Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 77 8/22/21

Episode Date: August 22, 2021

From Mike's favorite show "Dave," Andrew Santino calls in and riffs on the news. Sturgis update: less DUIs, more STDs. Also, an 84 year old man robs a bank in AZ. He must have thought he was in FL.    Follow Andrew Santino on Twitter @CheetoSantino Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime

One, two, three, four. S-U-N-D-A-Y, Sunday Papers. S-U-N-D-A-Y, Sunday Papers. S-U-N-D-A-Y, Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers. Yeah. Here we go. And.

Check, check, check. Okay, here we go. We check check okay here we go we can leave this in the show I think listeners would like to hear this part we're going to ramp up

Greg's warming up his vocal instrument la la la ma ma ma ma and he's ready to scream like a banshee

read all about it read all about it the Grand Rapids Chronicle meets the Los Angeles Times in this week's representing. Oh, jeez. No offense to banshees. My Adderall just ran out about four seconds ago.

All right. What a show we got. We got a big show today. We don't normally have big celebrities on, not including me. In 16 minutes, Andrew Santino from Dave is going to call or is he going to Zoom? He's going to Zoom. Are you going to lick his balls

or are you just going to kiss his ass? He is part of the best show on television. Yeah. I should have rewatched the scene I want to talk to him about. But he's featured in the finale too. Like he's good, man. I mean, don't give away the finale. Jesus Christ. What? Saying he's good. I couldn't give away the finale. It's multi-layered. It's great. It's,

it's great. It's great. Well, I'm in nine. I'm sitting in grand Rapids, Michigan. He's somewhere else in the Midwest, and you're in Los Angeles. So this is, it's really incredible what the technology, what the Asian people have given us to work with here. Is that the Asians? Zoom? That sounds...

What does Zoom sound like? Like Zumba? Like Zumba. Maybe it's Africans. Have these Africans created this technology? Do you not think it's Silicon Valley? Yeah, but. Are you calling Silicon Valley Asian?

Oh, there it goes. There it goes. Yeah. Watch out these days. Positive racism. Very bad. Yeah, don't say anything good about people. Don't say anything good.

Don't characterize a type of person as uh generally and statistically being good at something god forbid all right let's play a game i'll say a race and you say a positive racist stereotype and then you give me a race and i'll do let's go let's do it all right italians wife beaters they're best. They're the best at it. They are. And the wives stay with them. I think they're like 57,000 and oh. I mean, the wives stay with them.

That's how charming these bastards are. So charming. You know, people talk about the bad beatings. They don't talk about the great apologies that obviously keep the women in the marriage. Incredible. Okay, you ready? I'll go one to you. Russians.

Russians are absolutely the best at sex trafficking. You know, when they go, they don't go steerage like the Chinese. They put them in a coach seat and they get them to Mexico where they beat them down. So they're ready for a lifetime of suburban prostitution in the States. How did we, how did women get hurt in both of our examples? That's crazy. Scottish, Greg, Scotland. No, it's my turn.

Mexicans. Hardest working people that I am aware of. You know, cause I'm in the Western hemisphere uh but they uh i'd put any other if we're going to talk race or nationality i guess any other nationality in the western hemisphere up against them now listen isn't it amazing that their moniker is lazy mexicans maybe in your house maybe that's what you call your house you don't remember growing up hearing lazy Mexicans. Like the Mexican laying in a hammock, swinging back and forth. I didn't meet you until my 20s or like right around 20.

With the sombrero over the eyes and the donkey standing around with a bottle of tequila in his hoof. Is that what it is? Yes. All right, let's move on. All right, let's move on. Listen, I just got back from, not back, I'm not back in LA yet. I did my, it's been a two and a half week tour.

It started in New Jersey. We talked last week about that. Yeah. Went to New York City, went up to Westchester to my sister's house saw that with your uh with the alleged nephew who came in the room in his underwear let me tell you something that guy got a lot of positive feedback yeah he did men and women alike flexed a little in the background you know yeah he looks good yeah and then uh and now when and then we went to hamilton

new york and stayed at uh our buddy Matt Malloy's house. I saw the video of you. Where can they go to see that of you catching a football way out on a rope swing? On Instagram, you can see. There it is. Well, you've done this as well. He's got. Oh, yeah.

Matt's on this lake in Hamilton, New York, which is this bucolic 1950s, back when life was good. You can't even say that anymore. If you say that, it's racist. Back when life was simple. And he's on a lake. That is a terrible thing to say, but go ahead. There's like a 12-foot bank leading down to the lake from his house. And then on top of that, he's got like a lifeguard chair.

Which he built. Which he built. like a lifeguard chair which he built which he built as a launch as a launch for a 50-foot rope swing that the branch hangs over the lake so you go plunging down towards the water you come up and then people throw footballs at you when you try to catch them before you go on the lake and we did that yeah all right first of all you have to hold on in the nadir i don't know what you'd call it in physics, but the low point, which is the most pressure to hold on. Once you survive that, you're facing the lake. You then have to manage because, you know, at least one football is hurling, hopefully, towards your head. And you have to turn your body around while letting go of the rope. Yes.

And if you catch it, you tend to, like, grab at it so you fall forward. And then you fall and lake water goes jamming into your face and up your nose. So it's tough competition. It's a tough competition out there. And the best is that, like, there's 20 people screaming and yelling and it's this quiet little lake town and there's all these old people with american flags that a couple trump flags and and they're trying to enjoy the when i've been there some of those maybe even when their grandkids are in town or their kids the boat comes over and they ask if they can use it

yeah yeah people it's kind of a community thing i don't know how he lets people by the way the idea of falling in the first five feet of that that's that's a hospital trip guaranteed oh because it's all rocks underneath it's boulders yeah no but also even the the 12 feet of like i don't know, 50% or 60% grade of rocks going down to the water's edge. Yeah. And then we also did a thing. We play lake ball when we go up there, which is, this is the best. He's got this sprinkler that shoots a circle of water up, and you suspend a Nerf ball on the water,

and you take a bat, and this is from the edge of the bank of the lake, and you hit it to the outfield. Now, the outfield, there's about seven outfielders, and they're all in inner tubes, like chairs, like floating chairs, a canoe, a kayak, and they chase the ball down, and then they try to throw it, and then he puts a buoy out there that's first base.

Second base is the tree, is the lifeguard stand where you leave off the rope. So you have to go from first to second, then off the rope to third base, which is another buoy, and then you have to go from first to second then off the rope to third base which is another buoy and then you have to swim home and the entire time seven people are in the water trying to throw the ball and hit you it's fucking amazing it's the greatest sport it's got to be an olympic sport how does one come up with that idea it's called uh downpour and doing cocaine in the middle of nowhere and it's like what can i create yes no matt he doesn't do

that um wow all right did you play that we play that we had the um he built a pizza oven outside we had oh yeah homemade pizzas yep he's got a ping pong table he's got a bocce court there's a lot of bocce there's ladder. There's a hot tub. There's an outdoor shower. Running charades. It's just fun. You just go up there and you play. We were up there for like three or four days.

It was awesome. Yep. And my sister came up with me with her kids. The sexy Declan was there. So get this. I'm supposed to get on a flight. All right, today's Friday. I'm supposed to get on a flight. All right. Today's Friday. I'm supposed to get on a flight at 6 a.m. tomorrow to go to Martha's Vineyard to shoot this show with Amy Schumer.

I've been told I'd be flying into the beginning of a hurricane. And they've already canceled ferries on Sunday and Monday. The airport, I think, is maybe already. We're right in the path of a hurricane. It e n r i i'm going to call it henry what would you call it uh i would call it henry because i'm an american but has there been a hurricane henry h e n r y then it's a little confusing no no did you put an n at the end of the no just now? No. And so when did we stop naming these things after bitches?

I think because it became such a hacky trope in comedy where comedians would all say, no wonder they're named after women. At the end of the hurricane, you're standing alone at the end of your driveway with all your stuff. Broke. Got it. Something like like that here he goes maybe Henri is non-binary says Chris wow congratulations Chris where did you find

that phrase on your right wing websites uh did I it's an awful awful joke but did I do this last week that I told you what pronoun now I tell people just to make everyone incredibly uncomfortable? What is it? It? You're it? Yeah. He, it. Well, it's also confusing. Yeah. All right. Anyway, I think I said that last week. Okie doke. I have good energy. Not even on drugs. What are we doing? So are you connecting through Boston or New York? Not even on drugs. What are we doing? So are you connecting through Boston or New York? Boston, which is better than New York because it's hitting New York first.

So if I landed at three something p.m. tomorrow in Boston, I would then get on a 415 flight to the vineyard. But they're saying now that that might be canceled because the winds are going to start tomorrow, Saturday afternoon on the Vineyard. So I might. All right. So you're going to have a night off in Boston. Maybe you'll go see a comedy show. I'm hoping to find out before. I do not. It's worthless to get stranded in Boston.

Well, why would I do that? Boston's one of the most fun cities in America. Are you shitting me? During a storm. Yes! I know, but I'm going because, whatever, I can't, I have an idea that I want to shoot an episode in the storm. Oh, nice.

Little teaser for Amy Schumer Gets It Done. Yeah, just keep that, stay on the edge of your seat till February when this show airs. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Far from hurricane season, but anyway.

Shout out to John Cabrera, who once again has two. That guy. He has turned in another masterpiece. This one, he wrote me an email and said that he listened to the Ramones and he doesn't like the Ramones, but he was inspired to write a song in that spirit and i think he captured i think he captured that i thought it was my buddy chris weinstein who you know who knows more about music than anybody like he knew almost all those

paul mccartney stories that were in that series have you watched it yet no oh jesus i've been traveling i'm not watching tv with rick rubin who we'll get to in a minute. Some guy wrote in not knowing what he was talking about with Rick Rubin. So anyway, he gives no respect to the Ramones. He's like, it's, you know, and he of course has his info, like it's New York Dolls. And he just named all these, obviously the Ramones not known for their musicianship also. So it's interesting because you could just say, well, what about the visceral feeling you get listening to them? You know what I mean? Which is undeniable.

But anyway, you know what song did come on this week? I should jot these down more when you're just like, oh, that was it. New segment on our show. During the week, if it happens to you, we have a thing where it was, we call it formally shit now. Great. We're formally great now. Shit. Where we have a revelation about something. You know what I mean? Flip flop. We call it flip flop because sometimes, okay. So you know what? So here's mine. Mine this week is formerly shit. Now Now I Realize It's Great. And it's a total eclipse of the heart.

That duet, I think it's a duet, by Bonnie, I think I screened it. Bonnie Raitt? No, no, no. Bonnie? That song is, I know it's gigantic. I actually hired William Shatner to sing it with this Chinese kid who was going viral in 2009. But Bonnie Tyler, that song is a monster, man. A total monster. When I was in Boston, there was a guy who was a guitar act, which was always looked down upon. And one of his songs was a parody of total eclipse of the heart and it was

i totally shit when i fart i was guessing that was the last word yeah yeah yeah yeah um okay yeah piece of garbage reconsider reconsideration it's basically should be called reconsideration okay i'll give it another listen i'll give another listen i also was never even though you and matt everybody screams about how great john prine is and i never got it i always found it to be hokey and then i listened to a lot of it this past weekend and i'm on board it's hard hard to deny, man. Yeah. It's really pure, you know? Yeah. And then...

Why don't we call the segment From Shit to Shit? That's good. Or From Shit to Shit. Yeah. It could go the other way. Yeah. And then this has nothing to do with that segment, but on the radio, my favorite station out here in L.A., what is it, 100.5?

I forget, but it's out at Northridge. It's commercial-free. No, it's like 105.6 or something, isn't it? Sure. I don't know what it is. 100. I don't know. Anyway, it's amazing.

Commercial-free. I think there's. Anyway, it's amazing. Commercial free. I think there's only one left in L.A. And it's also news free. So anyway, they played God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols. I'm sorry. I'm not just an old man talking here. The urgency. The urgency of it.

And you know Jonesy. You've had him him on your and it's all Jonesy in that. And of course, yeah, but it's it's undeniable. It's I don't know if it'll ever sound it somehow doesn't sound old. And a lot of punk can sound old. This does not. This does not. Yeah, it's definitely like, you know, the the the clash also had the thing where they spoke to that time period of the mods and the punks and the estrangement, the anger that British young men felt. Yeah. And Megan complaining like, oh, my God, this family, I just couldn't believe how uh mean and and bad they are it's like god save the queen she's not a human being like it was fucking being screamed in the

70s you know and for centuries what didn't you how could you not fucking expect that they're barbaric yeah anyway right moving on uh The station, according to Chris Denman, is 88.5 KCSN. Yeah. It's incredible. They have a Bob Dylan hour on Sunday mornings, which I know it's two hours of Bob Dylan on Sunday mornings. And they just talked to the women who he groomed for sex.

Hmm. Yeah. Speaking of grooming speaking of grooming what a bullshit article i bet mia farrow is behind it she hates jewish geniuses fuck you mia yeah mia i mean uh how much wait Wait, hold on. We've got a guest. Look at this guy. Look how on time he is. He's joining us. What's... Are you masturbating? With his pants on? Look at that thing.

Look at that. Hey, boys. There's motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane what's up boys how are you i'm good man i'm in nashville tennessee and i'm here with my lover chris o'connor that's the guy that i've been sleeping with for the past well how long have we been sleeping together for a couple years yeah yeah how long have we been sleeping together? For a couple years? Yeah, yeah, two years. Two years we've been sleeping together. And so, did it start with the comedy and end with the butt-fucking, or what came first? It started with the butt-fucking. The comedy's kind of become like a passive part of our life.

We don't really even do comedy anymore. It's icing on the cake. Yeah, it's icing on the cake. And we're not really big fans of icing, as you know. Do I have anything on my mouth? Okay, good. As the headliner do you do you assume the top position at all times with chris yeah see we'll do he's a dominant sub we'll do the gate we call it the gator roll where where we're in such a wild you know we're just fucking wild that we're rolling over each other constantly so i don't know who's really on top and on bottom because we're just gatoring we're gatoring all night long fitz where are you coming are you coming live from a quality end what is that what's where are you

i'm at uh i'm across the street from the uh dr grins in grand rapids michigan where i think you're gonna be next month no yep nope saw your name up on their marquee how funny i'm not i'm definitely not doing it but how funny that they promoted me and i'm just not going to be there they're selling tickets for somebody else uh um that's andrew santino too it's his younger brother that's right it's my brother no what's the case steve hofstetter is going to be there and he's selling tickets as me, I think. Maybe it's a hologram. Maybe it's like Tupac. Yeah. I'm selling my hologram out. Wait, who, who, um, no, I'm not going to be there. I'm not going to grant, wait, Dr. Grins. You are doing great. We're doing grand Rapids, but not Dr. Grins.

We're doing, we're doing like a small theater out there. Oh, I see. So I'm at the club and you're at the small theater. Good. All right. Well, thanks for stopping by. Thank you, Fitz. What's up, boys? I love you guys.

What's going on? Well, we were talking about your show, Dave, last week. And we've talked about how good you are on it. But I was telling Greg about the episode where you pretended to have a family yes and and the t-ball joke where your son has anger issues was it yes yeah exactly and charge charge the mound and charges the mound yeah yeah yeah they were like make up a narrative about this kid that the director was like can you make up like a narrative about your son and we'll and pick a name and so i chose the name darren just because i don't know i like the way it sounded and i was like yeah darren's darren's a wild card you know he he'll charge

the mound and he'll put his cup outside of his pants he'll put his cup on outside of his pants sometimes but you know we love him i just got to bridle that energy and we after the first take they it stuck like the darren thing, and then this aggressive son thing stuck. And then when I did the later scene, which was us inside of the... inside of his, like, office writing me a check, that's when I made up the line that he was autistic and he bites his teeth.

And I thought for sure that wasn't gonna make it in the show. I was like, they're gonna cut that. You know what I mean? You know when you do stuff and you're like, they're going to cut that. You know what I mean? You know when you do stuff and you're like, they're going to cut that. That's not, there's no way that's going to get in. But I go, yeah, we had an autism scare.

He was chewing on his teeth, his own teeth. And for some reason they liked it enough to leave it in. But I thought for sure someone at FX would be like, that's not, we're not, we're not going to get like a letter from the autism foundation. You know what I mean? Like lighting us up for legal issues. But yeah, a fun episode thank you guys for the love i really do i guess i get emails and texts from people all the time saying they heard you guys mention me on the show and i always love i always appreciate it coming from someone so talented like gibbons and

fits i also think it's nice that you're there with him thank you so you see this you see sunday papers more as like he's the publisher and i'm like what like a cub cub reporter he's kind of like if he's he's like carson and you're like the guy that used to get ed mcmahon home do you know what i mean hello ed well yeah i mean i could talk about it all day but that was the question that we brought up last week i was like i'm wondering i assumed it was more scripted than you seem to be saying because i also want to know the best was the dad is that the first time he's hearing you bring up t-ball because then he goes he goes in t-ball and you said, yeah, twice. Like you double, literally double down on the joke.

Yeah. Yeah. He, yeah, no, we, so that whole scene, that whole scene was improv. What actually ended up happening was, I don't know how much I should dive. Well, well, look, somebody got COVID and they had to shut us down. And so we came back and had to do that bar mitzvah scene like a month, two months later. It was like way after the fact. And so then when we did that, that Mazel Tov scene where I am wearing a yarmulke and I'm

like cheersing him at the bar. Yeah. That was all kind of like to tie in this other narrative that we had left put in earlier about um i had said that like the keyboardist they got into a fight about the keyboard and he had said well we can't move the keyboard he you know he's he's blind and i did this whole thing about yeah my we had a blind dog and my dad would move furniture just so it would run into it because my dad was a piece of shit and that was the line that myself and one of the writers came up with he was he made it up love love reiki who's really funny and then that whole thing led to

this inherent lie that i had a family which was the lie was already in the script that i had a child a family but um the characteristics of the kid weren't didn't exist i made up we made up the name i made up his aggressiveness we made up all that stuff that was all improv and then notes from vanessa mcgee one of the writers and then love reiki we heard us three were just every every take that come up and be like make it make him more this or this and then i would just fly with it but yeah for the show for the most part is it's scripted when it comes to the you know some of the more obvious scenes that you can tell but like i'll just say most of the stuff that i'm in they let me fly a little bit they let me do whatever they let me like get the stuff and then we just take off you know that's so weird

because if your stand-up act it's almost entirely stuff you've stolen from other acts. Can I tell you something? I read a review from Dr. Grins last night. Really? Yeah. And it literally, the title of the article was, Not a Grin to be Found. It was insane.

And I was like, why would they just dumpster dive on on greg fitzman one of the greatest yeah like one of the greatest comedy i don't know what do you call yourself performers or i'm a humorist humorist yeah me and dave barry yeah you you and david isn't that the worst thing to be called of all you can be called a comic a comedian but a humorist is a guy that goes i'm setting the bar super fucking low you know it's really you know it's really no you know what's really annoying is when someone says uh uh what's your what's your bit what's your sketch what's your sketch what's your act what's your yeah what's your shtick what's your shtick? What's your shtick? What do you say? Yeah. What do you even respond?

How do you respond? Dude, that literally happened to me at seven o'clock this morning. I flew in yesterday. I got four hours sleep and I get up and I get on the local fucking Grand Rapids, you know, with the with the vapid co-host, the hot chick and the guy whose face was painted on that morning and they're trying to get me and they're asking me questions that are leading to nothing that's funny they're asking me about covid and and i'm and i'm fucking bombing i'm bombing and then she goes and then she literally said so just so people can get a sense of what you do like what's your shtick can you give us some of your shtick right now oh god i go and i was like i just do crowd work i that's all what is your shtick what's your what tell us can you lead us into some jokes that's my favorite when they want you to

write in some fucking leads of jokes that they need you to say that like it's byron allen show like the transitions are so bad they're like so you don't like cement huh greg what's what you fucking leads of jokes that they need you to say that like it's byron allen show right the transitions are so bad they're like so you don't like cement huh greg what's up with you on cement like not like nowhere near a normal conversation you just throw that into the sky yeah what's going on with that arch in st louis jerry yeah did you ever run out of gas by a lake? What? That's very specific. All right, well, listen. We got to let you go because we got to get back to the podcast. But we wanted to get you on. Why?

This is better than the podcast. It is. We'll give you a news story. I don't want to keep you. We'll give you a news story. No, give me one. Give me one. I love it.

Our first one, we'll get back to the bikers. Yeah. Sturgis. These three Ohio brothers die after getting stuck in a manure pit. They got stuck at their farm, and they passed out from the fumes. They were fixing a manure pump when they found themselves unable to get out, and they all died. There you go.

Wait, they were fixing and say it again. What is it? There's a manure pump that they were trying to fix and they got stuck in the shit and they passed out from the fumes. And there was a quote from the family. Our hearts are with them.

No, from the company. Our hearts and with them. No, from the company. Our hearts and our assholes are with all the men that died. They lost their lives doing what they loved. Wow. Drowning in feces. It's the most fitting Ohio deaths this week. Has there been a lot of people that have died from manure pump accidents? Is this a common thing?

Yeah, is there insurance for it? Yeah. Yeah, right. I like life, health, and manure pipe accidents. Oh, that's not included. There's a fourth brother. They've got to get him out of the manure pit. He said there's a fourth a fourth brother they got to get him out of the newer bit he's stuck it's the sequel to saving private ryan this is the new miami like building

crash like it's just a whole dogs dogs on the scene to try to get this guy yes worst part was one of the brothers shit his pants when he was so scared give me one more news story i like this so much give me another one okay this is uh from the news from the uh from the entertainment news mike richards is out as jeopardy host just nine days after he was tapped to succeed the legendary Alex Trebek as the face of the beloved quiz show. He's also the executive producer, but everything got undone when ugly details surfaced about his past conduct and statements he made on an eight-year-old podcast. Yeah. Oh my God. Apparently he said said disparaging remarks about jews women and other groups uh he he said still waiting for the offensive part he asked his female co-host

if she had ever taken boobie pictures huh i mean and he's gone it's like he knew this would be looked back on and did said the right word. I'm not even joking. Like, yeah, boobies is like, that's not even mean. Like to make fun of Jews and call tits boobs seems pretty like right down the middle of the road to me. I don't know. Like, what's what's so bad about that? Seems like he was doing all the right things.

Yeah. I mean, I've never asked Mike if he took pee-pee pictures. Mike, do you take pee-pee pictures? Me? Take pee-pee pictures? Yeah. Not of my own. Right. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that's what I'm saying. What kind of insane person would take their own pee-pee pictures? You take public pee-pee pictures of other men that come over to the house for dinner, right? Isn't that part of you guys' thing is like get a plate, put your penis out and you can take a picture by some of the, some of the sides and then, then you get to sit and eat. Well, that's why I always, I always take, I get the little ears of corn. You get from the Chinese restaurants, but my dick next to,

so it looks that much bigger. I had, I had a creepy thought yesterday i was uh anyway i was at a restaurant really very impressive looking woman nearby and then i was like i felt like oh should i go on a dating app and see and put the and i'm like is it how creepy is it that i wish the uh like the perimeter or whatever it, the distance on the dating app could be narrowed down to 20 feet? The lowest is one mile and it wasn't doing it for me. You're like, that's so far. That's just such a lengthy place. In LA, but I guess because in LA, a mile is just like an afternoon.

You're like, I'm not going a mile. It's a whole journey that I have to take. Yeah, I paste it paste it out to her i'm like i need 11 feet that's all i need i think about that time anytime i'm in a hotel i think about that yeah what floor are you on right is there someone on two i'm on 12 send them up i got the crow flies very very close wait you know what's funny about that story about that guy i found out he was the exec i had no idea he's the executive producer of jeopardy right yes so he just elected himself like he was the only they had a bunch of people come in and he was like it's me i think it i want it's gonna be me oh yeah he was he was the one editing together

their audition tapes. You know, he was. Right. That's what it was. Yeah. That's what it was. But you know, it's a new episode and it's going to be like,

the answer is going to be woke cunts. Who is deciding who hosts Jeopardy? This asshole got fired for mocking the Jews and calling breasts boobies. Next category, Holocaust? And the first Daily Double is, prove it. Oh, shit. Give me one more. I want one more article. Can I have one more? Oh, boy. Look at that.

All right. Let's do some Florida Man, Mike. This is our weekly segment called Florida Man. Yeah, I love it. Where are we? I didn't read the story yet. Florida family traveling to Hawaii busted for fake vaccine cards when their four and five-year-old kids showed their cards. vaccine cards when their four and five-year-old kids showed their cards so you know there's a huge thing with college kids going back to get around the vaccine mandates it's like it's the new fake id it's fake vaccine cards i heard about this and they're like cracking down but how can they do they even know well how can they because they don't give vaccinations for kids under 12 and their kids are four and five. Oh, is that what it is?

I didn't know. Well, how old do you have to be? You have to be over 12 to get them to be over 12. Oh, that's so funny. So they showed these cards. The kids showed the cards. They were immediately like, this is suspect. So mom and dad, they were like, you can't use your Costco card as your vaccination.

Yeah, right. By the way, that's it's impossible. Do you know how hard it is to go to Hawaii right now like you have to show proof of vaccination and a negative covid test we were i was trying to go i was going to go on a little vacation you can't you cannot you have to load it to their website then you have to get tested when you get there i was like i'd rather just have covid here than go to hawaii it's not it's not even fucking worth it i'll just go to the beach yeah i'll just go to la's beach and get covid i don't i'd like it's not worth going to haw. I'll just go to the beach. Yeah. I'll just go to LA's beach and get COVID. I don't, I'd like, it's not worth going to Hawaii to go through all these huge hoops for no

reason. It's bullshit. Well, you already got COVID and ruined the whole bar mitzvah episode. So yeah. Yeah. I wish I could tell you who got it. Cause it would really increase the, that story, man. It was so funny. The person who got COVID that like, I was, I've been on three different shoots where they've got shut down because of covid no because of covid yeah so

what's the common denominator between the three shows i think you know so you've got covid so you've got covid that's the name of the show so you've got it's always you know who it is it's always crafty that's who gives everybody covid it's the guy who's making the food that's the guy he's the leak yeah in the mayo yeah he's coughing yeah it's the mayo yeah it's always in the mayo it's always in the mayo um i love you boys i love you boys i love you i'm gonna go i have to go do shows at a 17 000 seater tonight doing we're doing 17 000 seats well that's how many seats there are you're not saying how many people are going to a 17,000 seater tonight. We're doing 17,000 seats. Well, that's how many seats there are. You're not saying how many people are going to be in them.

No, no, no. That's 17,000. Does that mean there's not... There don't be that many people, don't you think? It's Zanies in Nashville. We're having a great time. Everyone out here is Kid're having a great time everyone out here is uh everyone out here is uh kid rock everyone is kid rock out here we're having a great

fucking time oh nice everyone's kid rocking their way through life baby and so are we are you are you wary of being anti uh uh anti anti-vaxxers no you know what's funny is out here is like i thought nashville would be much more like uh yeah take that mask up that's not i think it's much more liberal than you think i think it's turned into an extremely liberal city where like it my idea of it was like the deep south but then reality it's like diet austin it just has that, it's like another neighborhood in the east side of LA, you know what I mean? Where it's not, it's like, we play music, but also like, we respect women. And you know, I mean, it's like, it's very much not the old, the new country. It's the new Yeah,

it really is. It's a whole different I thought it was going to be different. But I was we were wrong. We were disappointed because, because Chris is racist. I don't know if you guys know, Chris O'Connor is an out loud bigot, and he thought he would fit right in here. Yeah, he ran right into a bus stop. This guy was really expected to be able to say the N-word freely in the streets, and I told him, you just can't. It's just not that way anymore. He's too far north.

Well, he wanted to go see all the monuments. He's big into the monuments. He wanted to go see them all. Where do you keep them now yeah where's the storage unit yeah i love you guys all right thanks man thanks so much all right thank you guys bye everybody all right he keeps us he keeps us going keeps us feeding him stories then he makes it seem like we uh we kept him too long yeah i know fucking guy ruined everything now i'm gonna shit on dave um right he belongs to a country club in la and has uh you know repeatedly said let's play golf and then i'll be like okay great how's next thursday and then and then he goes like yeah

do you want to call and make a reservation somewhere and i'm like you belong to a country club huh huh huh uh all right we went through some stories then it was funny stuff there i can't believe how much that makes sense i can't believe how much of dave Dave is sometimes improv. I'm sure there's a script there that and it's like, can you beat it? You know what I mean? I think that the shows that are good, they've gotten away from the scriptedness. You know, I think that people don't want to hear a show that doesn't sound more conversational and more natural and more like in the voice of the actor that's doing it you know like um not to you know the main three networks their their shit is so fucking written it doesn't sound like it would ever come out of a human

being's mouth right that being said i've got a spec script i'm trying to get one of those people to buy this year um yeah right exactly that should be a spec script how've got a spec script. I'm trying to get one of those people to buy this year. Yeah, right. Exactly. That should be a spec script. How long is your spec script? Well, it's four pages because it's really just an outline. I'm like, this happens in this scene. Yeah. And it ends with them saying, we got to go to the museum. And then they go to the museum and, you know,

they talk about what they need to talk about. And then, you know, you just put the last thing that needs to be done in the scene. Well, the best is like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David, he works off those outlines. And then I find out he doesn't even think of the show ideas. He has writers pitch him ideas. I pitched them.

Yeah. And you get paid like a flat rate for the idea and you don't get paid for the episode and you don't write the episode because it's not written. So they're kind of dancing around the Writers Guild rules about payments for ideas. Very much so, I think. Yeah. We probably shouldn't go there. No, we shouldn't. But we should go to Buff Ross and thank him for this week's logo. It's a Sturgis shout-out of us on motorcycles. It's going to be our lead story if we ever get to it.

A couple quick corrections, and then we'll get to it. Greg, regarding Arsenio's alleged gayness, you expressed, I could care less. In fact, you, quote, couldn't care less. That's true. I also could care less than you do. But I do find him to be a great guest on talk shows. And you should try to get him on Fitz Dogg podcast.

You'd laugh a lot together. Would we? Or would he bring up that I have called him a homosexual? Which I, what the fuck is wrong with me? I read a letter like this and I go, did I really say that? Like, who am I to call somebody gay? I tried, I tried to get you to backpedal on that one. I mean, he might be, I didn't try to get you to backpedal off that, but it was kind of like, you know, he might be, or, and also who cares,

but you were, you were who cares. I think I was who cares. It was, I forgot to have it. There was a context that it came up in, but for the record, my apologies to Arsenio if I have insinuated something. True or not, it's none of my fucking business. I think he's one of those where there's so many rumors about that and it's not true. Because that's how I feel about Tom Cruise. Yeah, that's how I feel about Tom Cruise. I do not think he's gay, despite seemingly everyone in this town thinking so. Isn't it interesting that we do care so much? I mean, when I say we, I mean collectively as a

society that we care so much. Well, I had to jog my memory to remember the Tom Cruise one where it used to be. I mean, those were the two, the two ones that were talked about all the time were Travolta and Cruise. And, of course, South Park, you know, put them both in a literal closet on that amazing, amazing episode. But I think it's a great sign that it's gotten to who gives a shit. Yeah, I think so, which is why I'd like to make a big announcement right now. That Arsenio is definitely gay? Arsenio is definitely gay.

Allegedly. Can you say allegedly after definitely? As Chris points out, I am literally in a closet. You can say that factually. Yeah. Another correction. literally in a closet that's you can say that factually yeah uh another correction this is from ryan who says um you weren't wrong to say mozzarella the new york new jersey italian american accent is different from how italians speak because when most italians come to america here's a cool article about it with a link that I did not go to. Take it each.

So we're going to guess what it says. It doesn't matter. It better not relate it to that at Ellis Island, they chopped off the ends of their names. Right. They like went on with vowels and got a little crazy Italian. Yeah. It better not be related to that because I cannot see the link.

Because they made you if you're Santonese, they make it Santino. And because of that, you're refusing to pronounce mozzarella the A at the end. That's ridiculous. Yeah, that's that's not OK. All right. We got one there. You want me to read that Rick Rubin letter? The letters are at the end, Mike. These are corrections. Oh, jeez.

You're in the wrong section of the paper. Well, he was kind of trying to correct. You know what? We'll do it next week. But this guy does not get why, no matter what you feel about Rick Rubin, he's very accomplished. It's a joke to even say it like that. Speaking of accomplished,

I will be performing my stand-up comedy routine, my jokes, my crowd work, my schtick. I will be at the Buffalo Rose in Golden, Colorado, August 26th through the 28th. And the Punchline in Sacramento, September 30th through October 2nd. And October 2nd at 4 p.m., there will be a Sunday Papers live taping

that you can, I'm not sure if the ticket link is up yet. If it's not, it'll be up in the next day or two. And we hope to see you guys all there. You can double down. You can go to the podcast taping and then stick around for the early show, which I think is at 730. And I believe Mike Gibbons will be doing five minute guest spots on those shows.

Wow. Was that just announced? Yep. I just thought of it. Boy, glad I heard about it. All right. I got to I'm going to go into the sacramento local paper i'm gonna do local humor and also get a local girl if there's any girls that live in the sacramento area i'm married and so i leave a lot of cash on the table when i leave a town with the women that have that have propositioned me but mike gibbons is single so. So, ladies, if you want to meet Mike. I'm going to hop in the sack town.

This is another way of saying Mike needs a place to stay. Yeah. No, no, no. Calm down, ladies. It's not the case. I'm hard to pin down. Let's just put it that way. I don't even know how to talk to myself.

You know what else is really hard to pin down. Let's just put it that way. I don't even know how to talk to myself. You know what else is really hard to pin down? Hair. Is it? No, it's easy now, Greg. It's gotten easy to pin it down with a little thing that we like to call keeps. Keeps is, and again, I am not eligible for my hair's gone. My hair is gone. Keeps ain't helping it.

Mike, on the other hand, can use keeps. I have a lot. I'm getting a haircut in like an hour. But despite how much it looks like, it's a little bit like Chernobyl over here right now. I need it. I'm going to start using it because I know the chemicals. And it's just a fact that they work with most people.

It's just a fact. Yes. It's minoxidil and some other stuff. And I used it for years and it worked. It kept my hair in place. And then you know what I got tired of? I got tired of going to the doctor to get prescriptions. And then I was embarrassed at the pharmacy.

Now you don't have to deal with any of that stuff. Look, two out of three men experience some sort of hair loss by the time they're 35. That's about when it hit me, when I was about 30. And I wish to God I'd continue doing it. And if there was keeps around then, I would still have my beautiful hair. They have two FDA-approved medications

that can prevent hair loss. They offer both of them. So I went off of one about, I went off it once before, right? And nothing happened. And I went back on it like a month, a month later thinking like, why wouldn't I stay? You know, I don't know if my hair is falling or not, but this is a safety measure to preserve what I have. Right. And it also can grow hair too. One of them, though, is one of the ingredients is very good at maintaining. You know what I mean?

Yeah, this doesn't grow it. This doesn't grow it. This maintains it. I don't know. I think one of the ingredients also has been proven to grow it. So anyway, I have got, I then went off it recently because again, I'm like, I don't think I need it. So turns out, I think what happens is you don't realize it till after a month. Like in other words, the effect really where, and that's what's

going on with me now. That's how much it works. Well, listen, it's convenient. You go to a virtual doctor and the medications are delivered straight to your door every three months. You don't have to leave your house. It's stress-free, and it's low cost. $10 per month it starts at. These are generic versions, discrete packaging. Your mailman doesn't have to know that your hair is falling out except the fact that he can see your head.

Five-star reviews. It can take four to six months to see results so act fast if you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss go to keeps.com slash papers to receive your first month of treatment for free that's keeps.com slash papers to get your first month free, K-E-E-P-S dot com slash papers. Also, the podcast is brought to you by the fine folks at Babbel. This is a good time to learn a new language. Maybe, as I'm doing, brush up on a language that you knew in high school, which for me is French.

I've been using Babbel to get my French game back on again. And what's nice is you can, you learn it in bites. You don't have to sit there for three hours and study. I don't write anything down. They're 15 minute lessons. Yep. Conversational. Yeah. And it's, and it's, it's regular talking, regular talking. I do this for a living. There you go. It's, it's conversational. It's not like, you know, conjugating a verb over and over again. Yeah.

You're not going to learn to say the house is red, you know, and write that down 30 times. Yes. La maison est rouge. Is that what it would be? Yeah. La casa est roya. Instead, it's going to be conversational, like, do they sell weed in that red house? It's useful.

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Code PAPERS for an extra three months. Babbel.com. PAPERS. Perfect. Do it. All right. Now, listen, you wanted to talk about Sturgis. Let's get to the front page, Mike.

Holy crap, let's do it. Newspaper sound effect. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! And there it is. I think we're going to rely on the producers to put in a newspaper crinkle. Okay, let's do that. Good idea.

Let's grab one of our crinkles from the previous, I don't know, 75 shows? Well, I don't know how many we've done in a row now. Probably about 75, yeah. First of all, I'm not even going to go into the story, but when I was looking up Sturgis, this headline popped up. Sturgis man pleads guilty to his seventh DUI. Guess how old he is. 18.

You went the other way. But he is 32, I think. I was wow he's been he's been quite prolific they he's also released on on bail so he's out there now what do they think he's gonna do uh is he feeling better about things now he's not gonna drink did he post the bail money with empty cans? Returns? Totally. How many? $20,000 bail divided by five cents. How many? How many bottles is that? Okay. Back to Sturgis, though, and the motorcycle rally.

The DUI count this year from the rally was 122. 122. This is a tiny town. That means when you go out for a drive, it's basically an obstacle course. And those are the ones that are caught. Yeah. And it's down though. So kudos to you, Sturgis. Last year, it was 146 DUIs. The drug arrests were 151. And last year, there was 241. But this is an interesting stat, which I think explains some of the others, which is total warnings this year, 319. Last year, 3,570. Wow, I see a trend here. They warned a lot of people. Oh, and Chris just typed in the Sturgis population is 7,000 people. 7,000 and there were 4,319 warnings, official warnings. So official that they're documented.

warnings official war like so official that they're documented like i think they're written warnings i'm not even joking not like a hey you're too shit face get off that bike i see you trying to start it this is like a written warning so the is sturges over are the numbers still rolling in or is that they're saying it's over but i they had also trailed off. I think maybe the Delta thing is going on. I'm not sure. I believe that police arrests in general are down across the country, aren't they? Well, because, you know, everyone's defunding the police, Greg. Right. Okay, but I did grab some motorcycle accidents and no disrespect.

Did you put the letter in that we were disrespectful to the Florida woman last week? I think it's in this week. No, no. But last week we were disrespectful. We got a letter this week about. Yes. All right. Maybe we'll get to it. But I often say the the laughing is from an absurdity with no disrespect to them. But if you're not really funny or don't really get humor, I can see how you get tripped up by it. Well, we just laughed at three brothers who died in a pile of shit. I didn't. You two bastards did.

So at 7.15 a.m. Friday, a Harley Davidson motorcycle was eastbound when the driver lost control and was thrown from the motorcycle. The 71-year-old male driver suffered serious injuries. The good news, he was wearing a helmet, but charges are pending. When he was wearing a helmet, were his hands taped to the handlebars? Because at 71, you can't really grasp things that well anymore. Well, imagine if there's any sort of shaking going on. It's not great when you have both your hands on the steering wheel of a one-wheel vehicle in front. So these are just Friday.

At 2.10 p.m. Friday, Harley-Davidson was westbound when the driver changed lanes. He collided with a westbound Dodge Caravan. The 68-year-old male motorcycle driver sustained minor injuries. Good news again. He wasided with a westbound Dodge Caravan. The 68-year-old male motorcycle driver sustained minor injuries. Good news again, he was wearing a helmet. They are not making those Dodge Caravans like they used to. The old days had to take you out.

At 7.15 Friday, wait for it, a Honda motorcycle. What kind of outlier is this? They allow those? Not a Harley. A Honda motorcycle was northbound on Bear Butte Road when the driver lost control. This 62-year-old female driver sustained injuries. And of course, sensible woman was wearing a 7.34 p.m., this is 19 minutes later, another Honda motorcycle was westbound on Highway 16. The driver failed to negotiate a curve and lost control. The 64-year-old

female driver, what is it with these chicks on Hondas at Sturgis wow is it the same woman who might have aged two years because her injury was so bad in the first one right right she's sustained minor and she was wearing a helmet i think it's too much of a coincidence it sounds like a lot more people are wearing helmets than than in past years yeah and this story too harley davidson at 8 27 p.m. Now, this is Saturday. Harley Davidson was westbound on Highway 34 when it collided with a deer in the roadway. Both occupants were thrown from the motorcycle. The 65 year old male driver was not injured. The 62 year old female. Maybe it's the Honda woman who had to get picked up.

She's finally on an appropriate Harley Davidson. Neither occupant was wearing a helmet i love that deer are getting hit by these more like don't don't you think of deers as like i've stood a hundred yards from a deer in the woods and it pops its head up and it turns it back and forth and then it fucking runs what is with a hundred thousand motorcycles not not driving deer off the roads well a deer must be like here comes the deer with the most outrageous light in front of it like the handlebars it looks like a deer all right the silhouette um but uh yeah the poor deer holy crap but you know i don't know if you've driven a motorcycle and been going pretty quickly.

There is not a lot you can do if something pops up in the road. A car, man, you fucking smash those brakes down to the floor. You do that on a motorcycle, you are spilling. By the way, just for the record, Sunday Papers listeners, Mike has a Vespa. He has a scooter. He doesn't have a motorcycle I did have a motorcycle in Boston and I did a cab cut me off and I and I went right over the hood oh really yeah Suzuki 3GS 350 maybe like not a big bike but uh but I drove it from New York to Boston on the route 84 damn yeah yeah okay but I've buried the lead here, L-E-D-E,

with the Sturgis news stories. Here's the headline. Week-long child sex trafficking sting at Sturgis motorcycle rally nets nine arrests. Oh, hence less DUIs. Their hands were a little bit full with fucking pedophiles. If you're wondering why all the old bikes or why the bikes are being crashed by old guys, it's because the young guys are back in their hotel trying to get children to have sex with them. Eight of the nine men arrested, the age range is 22 to 54, are South Dakota residents.

And they're charged with it. The other one's a New Yorker, by the way. And they're charged with enticement of a minor using the Internet, a charge which carries a minimum sentence of 10 years in prison upon conviction. Yeah. So that went on at the rally so don't i just picture sturgis as this overcrowded you can't hear anything you can't get through a crowd and that's where you're going to invite a 14 year old to have sex with you it's almost like you want to get caught i mean i'm not telling you the right way to do it because i certainly don't want people to succeed but this seems like the most you know the easiest way to get caught i'm surprised we haven't read one where it's like uh the 43 year old driver failed to negotiate the curve lost control and the child was thrown from the back seat of his Harley Davidson.

The child went clear through the air right over the Dodge Caravan. If you see a child there, you know that's a red flag because these people abort their children. Oh, Gregory. Allegedly. Allegedly. All right. That's the Sturgis update. Maybe there'll be another one next week. I'm sure they will. When the dust settles.

Some people are going to linger in loiter. There'll be more DUIs. Yeah. Speaking of old men getting in trouble, an 84-year-old man who spent most of his adult life behind bars for robbing banks was sentenced to more than 21 years for carrying out an armed heist

at an Arizona credit union. banks was sentenced to more than 21 years for carrying out an armed heist at an Arizona credit union. He was about seven months after he was released from prison. He was struggling to adjust to life on the outside. Krebs who was in a wheelchair and had trouble hearing during his sentencing declined to answer a judge's question about whether he accepted responsibility for his actions. Imagine him in the back. What? What?

It's like, I said, do you want it in 20s or 50s? Everybody, put up your hands. Everybody on the ground, except you. Can you push me out of here? Oh, my God. Everybody, put up your hands. Everybody on the ground except you. Can you push me out of here? I want you to face down on the floor and count down from 100. I don't hear you. I don't hear you.

I still don't hear you. Actually, can you make it 1,000? I'm in a fucking wheelchair. No doubt. Oh, my God. no doubt oh my god so this guy's uh he spent he served 30 years for an 81 bank heist in florida and was sentenced to three years after a conviction in chicago for embezzling 72 000 from a bank where he worked as a teller like do you really think you're gonna work as a a teller. Like, do you really think you're going to work as a bank teller and take the money? Like I, I used to work at a fucking donut shop in New York and they used to count the donuts. We did inventory. That's why you stole the money. Cause they were looking over here at oh god um this is a new law called the karen law a new york man has become the first to be

prosecuted under the new central park karen law on memorial day weekend amy cooper last year was branded a karen we remember her she phoned 9-11 to say an African-American man was threatening her. While her third degree misdemeanor charge of falsely reporting an incident was dropped, it inspired new legislation. So this guy, David Elmendorf, a former owner of an upstate New York ice cream shop, has been ordered to pay forty five hundred dollars between nine Black Lives Matter protesters after claiming to police they were threatening him. They had been peacefully protesting outside Bumpy's Polar Freeze in Schenectady on June 30th, 2020, after his alleged racist text messages circulated online. During the 9-11 call, he reportedly said there were 20 armed protesters who were threatening to shoot him and he allegedly called them a number of racial slurs describing them i'm not going to say what he described them as let's just say it was it was rude yeah but that's a lot better than people think right now there's no there's no n-word savages hanging out in Section 8 housing. Yeah, I'm not defending the guy.

I just, you know, but it's awful. But, yeah, you made it sound worse. Whatever. I shouldn't have said anything. So, wait a minute. There's no, what would you call this? There's no law already existing. We have to drag the name Karen into this?

There's no law against false reports? Of course there is. I think it's like, you know, the same way an assault is different than a hate crime. I think that this would be calling in a false report if it involves race. It's racially charged, it says. I believe so, yes.

But boy, the poor name Karen gets dragged into the racially charged false reports when Karen's I mean, come on, they're even about dirty, you know, glasses in restaurants and stuff, you know, when your water comes. We shouldn't limit them to racially charged Karen activity. I do feel bad for Karen's. You know, what's funny is I just had. feel bad for karen's you know what's funny is um i just had um uh who did i just have on who was saying her mother is a karen uh her name is karen and she's a social justice warrior um oh why am i i'm fucking spacing her name um rachel feinstein and uh who's who you'll see probably this summer because she's amy's best friend yep um but yeah her mom is like this civil rights activist and her name is karen and she fucking hates that she has that that name has been co-opted by that group because she is the woman

out there yelling and screaming but she's doing it on the right side right exactly so the courts are like what's on the docket it's like well, well, it's another complaint from Karen. Oh, God. Yeah. What now? What law is she trying to change now? Or, you know, what law is she trying to create? Why can't we just stick with cunt? I think I mentioned when I saw a tell and I don't think I'm stepping on his act, but when I saw him in Vegas, after they did everything, they did a little bit of a curtain call, but I think I told you this exact case that they referenced the Amy Cooper case. He's like, Hey, and you know, in fairness to her, he was the one who started trouble. He's the one that went over and could you put your dog on a leash?

The only problem is he got out Karen. over and could you put your dog on a leash the only problem is he got out karen it's such a perfect chapelle angle yeah yeah like he you know everyone hated her and he's like hey it's the fight that dude guy was a dick he was allegedly gay he started it that would be, that's so much more of an insult because that guy was openly gay. It's to always go like, no, no, no. He was allegedly gay. Wait, what guy was gay? The dog watcher guy.

The bird watcher was gay? Wasn't he? I don't know. It's a weird, usually nine out of 10 times when you say the birdwatcher was gay, the answer is a definitive yes. Without allegedly. I saw him with Arsenio Hall and I'm just thinking. Yeah. I mean, he went to Harvard and he was a birdwatcher. I don't know. The first thing I think of is gay black guy.

Allegedly black guy. Speaking of black. Allegedly. With that resume, it's a, I would have like, I would much more have guessed an old, crusty, waspy racist than what it turned out to be. Like an Audubon Society fucking old-timer. Why do we think that birdwatchers are gay? Isn't that a weird thing to assume about a man because he watches birds?

I mean, are birds fucking each other up the ass or something? Like, what would make it gay about watching them? I don't know, when you're painting them on your stamps and stuff. I don't know. There's something. Look, I'm just saying, I like birds.

They're sensitive. Maybe that's what, to answer your question, honestly, probably cause it's a very sensitive kind of, uh, thing to do. Yeah.

Oh, well he's got, oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Chris Denman just posted a picture of him and he's wearing an American flag, but it's got a rainbow as the stripes. And he also wrote, if you like pussy, you shoot them birds.

Okay, all right, interesting. And I don't think he means with the camera. All right, let's go to international. Yeah, we are. Speaking of black guys, over in Africa, this guy, James Sakara, the pastor of a Zambian Christian church, was found dead after asking to be buried alive in the ground so he could so he could come back to life in three days time you know like jesus did yeah from that fact-based bible so he uh he convinced three of his congregation that he could come back and so uh so they he got them to dig a shallow grave tie up his hands and bury him alive um so they were a little curious after three days they're like hey isn't james supposed to be back

and they dug it up and they realized no james uh james didn't come back from dead he's just dead James didn't come back from dead. He's just dead. They're like, is today Wednesday? No, it's Thursday. It's Thursday? Guys, this is day four. We were supposed to get him out.

We got to get the new app. We got to get that new app, the resurrection app, because I can't keep track of days like this. I have an app when my gal's period's in town, and we can't keep this straight. We buried him. So upon seeing their leader's lifeless body, some members of the church attempted a series of, quote, spiritual exercises in order to resurrect him, but to no avail. What's a resurrection exercise?

I imagine it involves some really blessed holy water. Yeah, a lot of holy water. Buckets and buckets of holy water. So that's how that guy's life ended. When did they realize he was dead? I'm reading this story for the first time right now. They waited until he didn't come back from the dead? well they waited till he didn't come back from the dead by the way to some believers did he have to be dead for this to be impressive

like that the idea isn't like jesus i want you to bury me but unlike jesus i'm not going to be dead i'm just going to be like starving and really hungry and thirsty. And then you guys dig me up after three days. I don't think that that's the exercise. I think he wanted to be right. Don't you think he wanted to be dead? Well, that's the thing about martyrs. If you're going to be a martyr, there has to be an opposing force.

You can't, otherwise it's just suicide. You have to die at the hands of oppressors or people that are trying to, you know, um, you know, keep you from your faith. So if he goes to heaven now, how will he be judged? Will he get extra points for this or do they send him to hell for being such an idiot? Yeah. he'll be in the Darwin Award section of someone who didn't evolve as much as he should have. I mean, he went for this trick.

What about start slow? Do the water into wine thing, because you could probably get a YouTube video to teach you how to do that, and you would wow him. You'd wow the congregation. Even start below that. Just teach a bunch of dudes how to fish right right that doesn't take much or you know what jesus walked on water i fucking water

ski that's even faster there you go there's not there's no water to walk on in Africa. That's the problem. Oh, right. Without hippos, without very dangerous hippos. Speaking of dangerous, let's talk about sports. Sports. I only put this in here because there was one line that made me laugh. So I didn't know this. I didn't know Manny Pacquiao was still fighting. So anyway, I'm just going to read you the headline. Las Vegas. Two weeks ago, Manny Pacquiao was preparing to fight Errol Spence Jr., the unbeaten, sorry, the unbeaten unified welterweight champion and perhaps the biggest test of his career since

he fought Floyd Mayweather in 2015. Spence is left-handed, as is Pacquiao. And because southpaws don't often face other southpaws, that was a focus in training for the 42-year-old senator from the Philippines. it's the most boring sports talk till that fourth from last word in that sentence i totally forgot he won office right right well he's used to getting the judge's decision he got he got all the votes he sure did uh but the story for those interested in the story, the lefty he was training for this whole time has a detached retina and had to drop out. So the guy that's replacing him is a tough competitor and he's righty. Oh, so. Yeah. So it's and it's you know, it's I don't know how far away the fight is now, but it's upon us so uh so his famous coach i forget the guy's name the old

the old uh white guy they train in here in la i think a lot of the time oh yeah he's a legendary guy showtime had a series about him the trainer got it anyway uh so that was the article they were talking about that oh yeah freddie roachach. There it is. I just watched a documentary on Netflix about this female boxer. I'm trying to find the name right now. I just watched it. Continue watching. It doesn't list it. Anyway, there's this woman, and she was like, they called her the um coal miner's daughter boxer because she grew up in

west virginia she had came from a town of nothing oh christy something and uh and she started boxing training and this guy took her on to train her because she showed so much natural promise and then she became the world champion and the first female fight that was promoted by Don King. And, uh, and then, um, Tyson used to go see her fight in Vegas and he liked her so much. He put her on the card for his next big fight. So she fought in front of 80,000 people and, you know, 30 million on pay-per-view and she ended up on the

cover of sports illustrated she was on letterman and conan and she was she got huge she made millions of dollars and then she ended up i won't tell you the rest it's a fucking great documentary christy i'll see that i'll see that for sure. What was the Clint Eastwood boxing movie? That was that was crazy. I'm forgetting the name of it. But I don't know if it was based on on anyone real here. Chris is going to write in. Sweet baby left tuck. What was the name of the movie? Sweet Baby Left Hook. What was the name of the movie? That Clint Eastwood boxing movie. Just type Clint Eastwood boxing without the word orangutan. Million Dollar Baby.

Million Dollar Baby. What did you say? Maybe a billion now, but it was a million back when it was made. That girl, I believe, lived in the Midwest, so I don't think it was based on her. Yeah. Although it did have... Oh, you know what? I think it was partially based on her well whatever i don't want to give away the documentary because it has a couple good twists at the end so uh watch that she's a man man is that the twist at the end

she said that about one of her opponents she said I won't fight her until she takes a test and we can prove that she's actually a woman, which was pretty fucking crass. What was the test? That she can't parallel park? There we go. It's 1955. That she can't drive a Honda and Sturgis?

That's exactly right. Let's do a little... She ages two years because she had a bad spell. Let's do a little... She ages two years because she had a bad spell. Let's do a little science. Blind or Fair in Science. All right. You want me to read it? Yeah, why don't you read it?

This is a cold read. Cold read. I don't even know what this story is. Children born during the coronavirus pandemic. By the way, on the news this week during the coronavirus pandemic, by the way, on the news this week, I know I say by the way all the time, just get used to it. I heard one news source calling what we're in now as the unvaccinated pandemic. And I love it. Yep. I love it. It's just accurate. You know what I love it?

When insurance companies stop paying out to people that don't get vaccinated when they get sick. It's already started. It's already started. All right, good. But when you describe the pandemic and the very serious parts, which is the test of the health care system, like that Abbott, the governor who has COVID, is ordering beds, respirators, and then he's also, no, he's ordered, he's ordered, God, I wish I had it in front of me. Support. He ordered nurses to be sent to Texas because they're short.

He needs out-of-state help. Like, please come into our state because we ourselves can't handle the sick. Also, I think he ordered whatever they're called for dead bodies because Texas's plan is for death. And their other plan is to make it illegal for schools to mandate masks for children who are unvaccinated by nature because they're under 12.

Miami-Dade, largest, and I think fourth largest maybe, school system in the nation, voted 7-1 maybe or something against DeSantis, against the governor. Right. And I read a great article which was, if you're a Republican, listen, fine, I'm not sure. If you are a Republican who you're like, hey, the federal government can't tell us what the fuck to do. Well, how about Miami-Dade County saying, hey, the governor can't tell us what the fuck to do. You know, we're going to govern ourselves. Like, stay consistent.

Yeah. Stay consistent, Florida. Children born during the unvaccinated pandemic have significantly reduced verbal, motor, and overall cognitive performance compared with children born before a U.S. study suggests. The first few years of a child's life are critical to their cognitive development. But with COVID-19 triggering the closure of businesses, nurseries, schools and playgrounds, life for infants changed considerably with parents. How long are you making me read this? I'll just cut down to this part where it says, in the decade preceding, the mean IQ score on standardized tests for children between three months and three years hovered around 100.

But for children born during the pandemic, that number tumbled to 78. But the final line is the study included 672 children from the state of Rhode Island. So that may impact the IQ level a little bit. Hey, we got to take a fucking test today. Where are we going? Cranston Elementary. You know, we don't study geography because we're the joke of the United States. We get it. You can beat Rhode Island in a fight with your hand tied behind you. We get it. By the way, the 672 children from the state of Rhode Island are the 672 children from the state of Rhode Island.

I told you, I don't know if I ever told you this. I had an awful job at Boston University while there. The job was in the city of Boston and it was working for the New York Times, cold calling, trying to sell subscriptions. And I got assigned Rhode Island. So I had to call Rhode Island. So the town that was given to me was B E R L I N. So I'm like, uh, hi miss. If you have a few minutes, you know, whatever the spiel was, I had like your stick, like your comedy stick. I had a stick and I'm like, you know, there's a, uh, a great New York times offer for you and all the residents of Berlin, Rhode Island, click, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have a great offer, sir. For Berlin click. All of a sudden, I'm like,

it's fucking Berlin. Click. They do not want to be called Berlin and I learned it the hard way. Yeah. That's hilarious. How about the fucking manager? I'm like, how about giving me

a heads up I'm getting screened at. Also, they hate New York. They hate New York. They hate the politics of the paper. They hate the location of the paper. They hate the grade level that the paper is written in. Yeah.

Oh, let's do some letters to the editor, Mike. We have a special for West west berlin and oh you live in east berlin okay all right what are these corrections no we got letters letters oh i mean letters yes lord all right a woman named joanne wrote in she said she seems to have a crush on us and i'm thinking if she's in sacramento this could be the three way we've been waiting for Mike. She, her husband and you. Yeah. Got it. OK, good, good, good.

Barbara Allen wrote in regarding last week's show. How much caffeine did Mike have before today's show? Jesus. Wow. Yeah. Well, I've been trying. i got criticized a few weeks ago i'm also hyper today i got criticized a few weeks ago for being sleepy yeah i vowed that you guys are nice enough to listen to this why wouldn't i be trying to be on my a game right although i took a i took a riddle in this morning and i worked like a fucking madman. I got so much done. Nice. But then it started crashing down a little while ago. It'll do that. And I have two shows tonight

in Grand Rapids performing for Christians who work for Amway. There it is. Sweet spot. You're in the sweet spot. This one's from Chris Lee in Sidmouth, which I think is in England. First of all, Sunday Papers is in England. First of all, Sunday papers is the best.

The Sturgis bit kills me. Well done, Mike. I love that Greg had the balls to introduce his rent boy to the camera the other week. That was my nephew. Rent boy. I like rent boy.

How come after the success of you two on the bird cast, you aren't doing more interviews together. You knocked that out of the park. No follow-up maybe we should try to do that maybe we'll do a little tour of podcasts as a as a team i think yeah why not i would do that i'll be less hyper uh beth or whoever jesus barbara allen uh and then this is the guy that suggests that our producer does the sting of the newspaper crackling from now on, which I agree. I like that idea. Okay. Well, people kind of liked our public access TV approach to things, you know.

They like the handmade crinkle sound. It's handmade. It's not out of a machine. It's not auto-tuned and it's generally a paper that we've already crinkled on at least nine episodes so it's got no fucking crackle left so i don't have it in here yeah okay um this is a follow-up to our discussion on why farts can get through a mask but covid can't. Jon Favreau, who's a friend of the show, said, Hi, guys.

The most powerful analogy I've read regarding why masks may be effective against this COVID virus involves the example of rainwater and an umbrella. A molecule of water is much smaller than the fibers of an umbrella and should fall through. The water sheds because the molecules are coming down in the form of droplets that are larger than the... Got it. Eric Mitchell said that... Oh, this is the guy that you wanted to talk about. We like John, though.

John's a good guy. I do, but I just don't like science. I mean... I understand that you don't like Florida. As a Floridian, I would suggest that you connect more with your families and move your parents closer. What? Possibly one of the issues with Florida is the New Yorkers.

I have been a listener from the beginning of Sunday Papers, and I've always dismissed your right-leaning lib political views. Why can't they just say liberal? Lib sounds a little insulting, doesn't it? Wait, what's rightly what's the right leaning part all right right leaning lib political views because you have a good chemistry like old friends and listening to two old guys like myself stumble uh blah blah blah blah but but this week when mike laughed about a woman being shot by her child i decided that's it

that is it i That is it. I have never written into a podcast before. And the reason I am now is because I think you should know that people listen to words that you say. I know your views on Florida is just a bunch of poor whites and a mess of brown people not behaving. But we live in a community affected by the things you think are so beneath you. California is so great. Okay, maybe just comedy. But come on, this talk, if not funny, just divides us.

Well, if you don't think that a child shooting her mother is funny, then you got the wrong goddamn podcast. Okay, sorry. Right there, I laughed really hard at what Greg said. goddamn podcast. Okay. Sorry. Right there. I laughed really hard at what Greg said. I know Greg is not making light of the tragedy of the woman died, but there it's like some things are so absurd. And I, and I prefaced by saying, I really am not like laughing at her, but then we did. You're right though. We did, we did make fun of the situation. It is a very, but you also can't deny Eric, you live, you have the world's most famous amusement park, but your state is pretty amusing as well.

And it's as if a giant, you know, that old term, but it's as if like people shook the country and whatever was loose fell to Florida. A lot of serial killers. I mean, they take long road trips there from Seattle, from Kansas. They like, you know, it's a it's a place. It's a draw. You have a draw there. You have a unique draw. You draw a lot of the world's tourists and a lot of the really mentally damaged people.

Deadbeat dads. You can't swing a deadbeat dad without hitting a deadbeat dad down in Florida. Some of the worst politicians. But they duck. You get my drift. Because that's what they do. They duck. Get it?

And you also have like, you know, maybe they're drawn there because you have very, very hands-off laws and hands-off government. Yeah. And so I think that draws a certain type of person. And a lot of hands on uncles. Yes. Here's another guy. There's any denying that. But, Eric, good point. I hope you don't quit the podcast. I hope you do get the point that like as as a lot of comedians say that it's impossible to say that there's not a funny joke that involves the Holocaust. It is true. Making fun of the Holocaust is not funny. No one would ever say that. And same with that poor woman who was shot. The jokes I thought

were kind of around that area, but sorry if it offended you. Yeah. Here's another guy trying to defend his state. This is the guy from San Diego, Andy, who we've heard from before. state uh this is the guy from san diego andy who we've heard from before greg and mike i'm not a pansy ass san diegan so i can take all the shit you guys say about me oh no he didn't write in yet i don't think he's writing about the guy i wrote in drew oh oh i see. Got it. Tell Drew to take his 30-something millennial ass out here with that bullshit response about culture in San Diego. Did he just mention pedal bars and the gaslight district? As a resident, you should explore a few other areas instead of the tourist traps or the fake plastic affluent areas

of La Jolla del Mar, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure Drew was a terrific salesman in the culture rich town of raleigh north carolina before moving from the quote east coast i assume it's some shit town like raleigh because no one north of dc would ever go to myrtle beach or use it as a reference now he lives in a real city like san diego oh yeah he should expand his horizons and check out areas like barrio logan balboa park Park, Little Saigon, or Little Italy. All of these areas have a ton of local artists of all types. If his fancy, pretentious white ass can handle some more culture foods,

it could get some incredible Filipino food in National City or the best fish tacos in the world at TJ Oyster Bar. That's it. If you're going to defend your city when it comes to culture, bring up the fish tacos in the world at TJ Oyster Bar. That's it. If you're going to defend your city, and when it comes to culture, bring up the fish tacos. We have tacos, people. Yeah. We also have ethnicities who are doing all our culture for us. That's right.

We farmed it in. Actually, they were here. We farmed ourselves in. Yeah. Yeah, come visit the little enclave we shoved all the Asians into or the enclave we shoved all the Mexicans into. They're fun to visit at night when you're drinking.

All right, let's hit the obituaries real quick. And that's all, folks. Maki Kaji was known as the father of sudoku for bringing the number puzzle to a worldwide audience through his magazine nikolai he died ready for this at the age of 69 look at that very big numbers in sudoku yeah that's it uh let's get to the funnies. That's it. Sudoku's amazing. It is. I play it every fucking day on my computer.

Do you do the ones in the LA Times? So I've done ones. I've solved the impossible ones. Yeah. So there's a bunch of advanced tricks. I know one of them. And on the impossible one, it happened to be that one impossible trick where you can, by looking at it, you can eliminate certain numbers when you're down to like, when you're down to the end where you're like, I just need one break here and I solve the puzzle.

And, um, so that's how, but you know, it's some, it's some complicated shit. I don't know yet. It's amazing. And, you know, and one of the rules is a true Sudoku has only one solution. I don't know if this is going to track. So if you have a thing where it's like this can be a three or a nine, this can be a three or a nine or like a two. And you have four boxes that could be a three or a nine. And one can be also a two and you have four boxes that could be your three or nine and one can be also a two by definition that other one's a two because if it weren't there would be two solutions to that puzzle i didn't know there was ever more than one possible solution that's uh fascinating on some

that the computers generate there are sometimes, and the true Sudoku purists do not like it. Hmm. Yeah. Here's what I like, the Sunday funnies. Not me. I think you're going to like these.

I got some lockhorns right out of the gate. Some good lockhorns. Loretta, who's ironing while Leroy sits with a drink on the chair watching tennis. She says, I do have it all. All the cooking, all the cleaning, all the shopping, all the laundry. Dot, dot, dot. You ignored that.

I was supposed to get a haircut five minutes ago. Sorry. I'm just being courteous to the guy who meets me in his backyard really and shears me yeah jesus uh here's leroy puts a leash on me and go ahead leroy is uh paying for something at the market and he's staring at his wallet with a frown on his face like he seems to have uh gone broke and she says to her friend we were way ahead of our time for living in a cashless society and then she comes out of the beauty salon and keep in mind he fucking hates her and uh her haircut is jagged and terrible and he says says to her, I didn't know Peter got his training at Kabuki Theater. Perfect.

That's it. Now let's do Hager the Horrible. And remember, the Sunday Papers is a fun place where your kids are introduced to reading. And Hager is one of the cartoons that they're drawn to because of its colors and its fun-looking characters. And it's constant reference to rape. So Hager is at a banquet. And he's standing there talking to a guy who's dressed like a lord. And there's a party going on in the background.

And there's a party going on in the background and there's a king, guy dressed as a king, and he's with a woman who's got on like what Madonna wore in the Like a Virgin video. And she's got a green long thing in her mouth like she's sucking a cock. And the prince guy says, I attended university with the Duke. How do you know him?

And the king looks angry. Like, he raped her. He stole my money, and he raped my wife. That's it? That's the takeaway? That's the subtext. Sure, it's almost the text. Yeah.

All right, we're going to spend, I'm going to go for eight seconds, six seconds on family circus. Nine seconds. Here we go. They're standing in front of what looks like the grand Canyon. The two kids are fighting and one goes to the other. Stop eating Tato chips, Jeffy. We're trying to hear the river. That's it. You know, like all people do at tourist places, they're trying to hear the river. That's it. You know, like all people do at tourist places, they're trying to hear the river. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen the Grand Canyon. I've seen the Grand Canyon, you know, American vacation or family vacation. I say never listening to the river is a thing. It's never a thing. Now, can we we talk we talk often about how bad the um the text is the dialogue but what about the artwork why are they suddenly the size of her knee

they used to be up to like at least her waist and in this week they're like little fucking ants wait what are oh you're right look how small they look so even the drawing is terrible um by the way um check out the podcast on youtube we forget to mention this all the time but you can watch the podcast on on youtube if you go to my youtube channel greg fitzsimmons it's there starting to get more people watching it. We always forget to promote it so we don't have as many viewers as we should. I don't

like people viewing us. I know. I know, Mike. This is a podcast. I mean, you know, seeing the... Did you see one of the comments about your nephew came in? You left the money on the dresser it's good stuff good stuff uh finally let's do blondie

it's he takes her out to a dinner finally he does something right he dresses her up she's got on a black velvet dress with a short white collar. Hair is teased up delightfully. He's got on his stupid fucking bow tie. And they're at what looks like a nice restaurant, except usually a nice restaurant has, I don't know, silverware on the table. Uh-huh. Maybe some flowers. There's nothing on the table. And the waiter is standing there with his hands behind his back apologizing. He says, I apologize about your long wait for your dinner. Since our reopening, we've been really busy. And Dagwood says, oh, no problem. We're fine. And you go, there he is. He's being a gentleman. He's showing that he knows how to fucking comport himself at a fancy

restaurant, which his wife deserves to be taken to five nights a week. Suddenly the next frame, the final frame, is a pizza delivery guy walking in the fancy restaurant. Are you the folks who ordered a pizza online? Dagwood says, yep, right here. You fucking loser. You are embarrassing her. This is her probably one chance a year you actually take her to a fucking tablecloth joint. A place with an actual tablecloth. And you humiliate this woman by ordering a fucking pizza? Damn. Crazy.

It's crazy. Also, that he's using like a joke that was old even before Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Yeah, exactly. You know, they're ordering the pizza in the least likely place that anyone's ever like a joke that was old even before Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Yeah, exactly. They're ordering the pizza in the least likely place that anyone's ever ordered a pizza. She looks very good in black. She does. She does. And black lipstick?

Yes. She's not afraid of black lipstick. I feel like her best colors are black, pink, and green. Those are the ones I think she just pops in. I think it's the yellow hair. But also, she's got kind of a peach skin tone. Black, pink, and green. Is that like a flag?

Does anyone have those colors running in any flag? Arsenio Hall. Oh, look at the callback. I like it. Mike. There's our short podcast. Look at us. We always do that.

We always do that. We say we're going to go short, and we don't go short because we enjoy it. And we had a great guest this week. Our thanks to Andrew Santino. Don't forget to check out his podcast, which is called Whiskey Ginger. And then he does another one with Bobby Lee. I don't know what that's called. Tiger Belly or something?

No. Bad Friends, maybe? Maybe. Something like that. Anyway, he doesn't need our promotion. He's selling out 17,000 seat theaters. How far are you along in Dave? I haven't started season two. Oh, Jesus.

Slow start, which I reported. I've heard heard somebody wrote in that they gave up after three episodes but i told them to hang in boy big mistake if they did yeah i know it's it's like a marriage you know after the first 15 years it starts to get good oh sorry oh sorry about that yeah how many years did you guys last that's a long haul uh 13 and a half yeah 15 is when it really kicks in that's when it that's when all that unlimited sex anytime you want it with those because you're married that's why that's why you do it right it's like being a beefsteak charlie's and the bottomless bucket of shrimp runs out and you're like, wait a minute. I paid nine 99 here.

Bottomless. What don't you get about bottomless? Yeah. Yeah. Oh wait. I have a funny story. Uh, speaking of that, uh, if anyone's still listening, but, uh, so Sophie was thinking of, of going, you know, with her fake ID, going to a bar, you know, going to a bar here on main street in Santa Monica. And anyway, she was talking to me and Laura, my sister and stuff. And she's like, uh, yeah, my friends are going, they were thinking to me and they're like, get this. She's like, um, uh, she goes between, you know, it was like something between like a, like 10 PM and one, they have a two for one sale.

like 10 p.m. and one, they have a two for one sale. Not special. The drinks at a bar, a two for one sale. And I shouldn't have corrected her. I'm like, oh, my God. You know, make sure you and make sure you ask the waitress before. Like, is your sale still going on? They'll never think your ID is fake.

Right. Where is, where do I go for returns? Because I think I'm going to throw up. Oh my God. All right. Well, listen, uh, give my best to Sophie and tell her,

I wish her good luck at college. I know she leaves this week. She does. And I won't see her before she leaves. Oh, wait, what day does she leave? Uh, well, you can meet her that, you know, they, this bar has great sales. If you want to go to the, uh, Jameson's pub on main street, they have great sales. Uh, she goes Wednesday. No, she might fly out Tuesday. All right. Probably won't see her. She moves into the dorm Wednesday Alright well wish her luck

And I'm sure she'll do great I'm sure you're very excited I am very excited about it And I have my roommate Olivia For the rest of the Three years of high school Oh my god Yeah

That's a weird dynamic shift Having one kid in the house After having two kids in the house You're going through it. Yeah, there's silences at dinner that you have to start getting used to. I can't do that. We've spent our whole lives filling silences. That's what we do.

Are you going to start inviting Tom O'Neill over for dinners? I don't know if I go that far. By the way, I talked to Tom yesterday, author of Chaos. Pick it up now online and uh his mom who he was very close with yeah passed away a couple weeks ago and he's been he's been partying in her apartment by the way her apartment is in a home it's in an old folks home so he has friends come over and they hang out because he's she's got so much stuff he's trying to get through and he's trying to give it away. So he has people come over

and yeah, I don't know that. I don't know if that's safe. It's been done before, but that's his sitcom sitting right there. I know. They love him there. He's going to miss those ladies. They're going to miss him. Oh, absolutely. They will. Yeah. Um, okay. Well, we'll, uh, we'll see you next week. Good luck with the storm. I hope you get in. Okay. Thanks very much. Y'all know how it goes. I might, I might not fly out tomorrow morning. We'll see. Thanks to, uh, Chris and Beth and for your hard work from mid coast media. And we'll see you next week. As they say in San Diego, take it eesh! Take it eesh! Sunday Papers, Sunday Papers,

Sunday Papers, yeah!