Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 79 9/5/21

Episode Date: September 5, 2021

A grown man sues his parents for throwing out his porn, a redneck almost kidnaps his kids principal for making the child wear a mask, and we pay our respects to 2 gentlemen who crashed while in the back of a self driving Tesla. RIP Leland.  

Sunday Papers Read all about it What's Sunday paper? Take it easy Go ahead. Check one, two. Yeah, it sounds better. Here we go. All right. Wait, one more time. Check one, two. Check it, check it, check it.

Yeah, weird, weird. My answer, right one's bad. Okay, okay. So what are we? We're all, why don't we do a podcast? And let's keep this in. This is that magic at the top that everyone's raving about. Read all about it.

Oh, jeez. Read all about it. Get your abortions now. Sunday paper plus an abortion's got to be quicker than six weeks. Nobody wants the news or the baby after six weeks. Read all about it. All right. Let's start for real now.

No? You got very charged up about this abortion thing this week. Yeah. Well, I did. All right put let's put the ladies aside let's put the pregnancies aside the legal maneuver they pulled is bonkers you mean having vigilantes out in the streets well no earning money by turning in their neighbors that's insane okay so hear us out even if you are pro-life, that's not the issue I'm talking about. So let's replace

this abortion issue with any other issue that is a federal law. Like, for instance, I don't know, but replace it with something else. The state is saying, yeah, yeah, we got it. We know we can't

violate that federal law, so we're not going to enforce it. Instead, we're going to deputize our citizens in this way. They will sue someone who's on the way to Planned Parenthood, and they can win at least $10,000 if, in fact, that person was going there to violate this new state. Not just them. You can turn in an Uber driver for driving them. You can make a shitload of money. I mean, for people that don't have a lot of money, which, by the way, that's what these laws target.

The people that don't have a lot of money are the ones that have to get abortions locally rich people they can jet off to the next fucking state but even again let's say you're right all that is in play but even if it were an abortion you're right the uber driver the doctor any party now but here's the key that i want to express you sue them for ten thousand dollars and if you win you win at least ten thousand dollars and they they the woman, the Uber driver, the clinic, the whatever, whatever issue you're doing, they have to pay your legal fees. So it's fantastic. Now, if you sue some woman who's going to Planned Parenthood and it turns out she's

in her rights, it's five weeks or, or she's not even going there for that or whatever it is. Um, and you lose, uh, you do not have to pay their legal fees. So it's a free swing to sue anyone. So that has created the desired effect that everyone will be terrified, like to do anything. So interesting news broke last night, a Texas judge saw this for what it was and is like, whoa, because what they did was Texas right to life. That's the name of it. Started their campaign. They are blindly suing all Planned Parenthoods to drive them out of

business because all the Planned Parenthoods have to defend this, this lawsuit that has no merit. Right. Meanwhile, keep in mind, Planned Parenthood does not just perform abortions. They also detect cervical cancer with regular treatments for people that can't afford it. They provide birth control pills for women, which is not always to do with keeping from getting pregnant. It's also sometimes that's prescribed for health reasons for women.

It regulates their flow and it allows them to it helps in other medical ways besides just preventing pregnancy. Right. And it helps women who aren't getting laid at all think, you know what, I'm still in the game. Hey, now, by the way, am'm still in the game. Hey now. By the way, am I not going to get shit about wearing a red sweater in September? I don't know. All you're doing is waving your abortion flag so it's distracting. It's like Christmas.

I got the green wall and the red sweater. If you're not watching this on YouTube, people, you're really missing out on a big part of the experience. You screamed Merry Christmas. I didn't know what that was referring to. When did I scream Merry Christmas? I think before we started. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I did it. When Chris joined it. I was trying to get ahead of the insults that you fucking lamos haven't even given me. I actually put this sweater on half-kiddingly this morning thinking, let me throw some raw meat to the animals. Isn't it going to be in the 80s today? Why do you have a sweater on? It's always the same in this closet, it seems. I'm in a t-shirt. Not much humidity. Feels good.

Yeah. You look good. How's the rosacea? That's a fun question question it seems to be under control uh we'll see we'll see how it goes but i told you i took that accutane and it it's had a lasting bad effects like i am sore as shit still still no dude yeah we played golf yesterday i'd be crushing i can't rotate anyway we're not talking about that. Let's talk about our friend Dennis, our famous friend Dennis, known for being the most solid friend in the world and giving vaccine appointments ahead of all socioeconomically challenged people in Los Angeles to his white friends. But yes, there's some sad news in Dennis's life this week. Dennis's beautiful dog, who he's very close to. Leland. Yeah, Leland.

He passed yesterday. And it was so sad because he was like a 12-year-old dog. He was a golden retriever, like a real man's man kind of a dog. And, you know, it was just famous to see Dennis driving through the streets of Venice with his beach cruiser with the basket with paddles in it to play paddle tennis and the dog running next to him. And it was just the most – we'd go to the Penmar to the golf course, and everybody knew the dog. Yep. So it happened very fast. He just like, you know, just literally overnight from the symptoms to them having to put him down.

It was so sudden. It was really, really sudden. And it was one of those where at 12 plus years, the, the, he went in thinking it was digestive and all that stuff, but he, I guess he had a cyst on his spleen that had ruptured. And, and then the vet just gave him the real sad news. I think I'm getting this right. Sorry, Dennis. I know you listen sometimes if I have it wrong. But listen, I can already tell you this would be... It was an extraordinary amount of money because the surgery.

And it would not buy him much time at all. They said like a week. It could be as little as a week, even, even with surgery. Right. Yeah. So he, he, he had a, uh, he was at a quandary because we were scheduled to play some golf up in the Valley yesterday where it was 93 degrees. And, uh, he decided to not stay at home and instead come out with his buddies and

get his mind off of it well we forced that a little bit i think in a good way because he had to leave leland there and then leland was gone and then he'd be going home alone and whatever we don't have to talk much more about this but I think I've kind of never lost a dog really before. Like, you know, uh, I was away at school when I was anyway, uh, there was no mental, like, I think a lot of people have their last night with their dog. Yeah. They know it's the last meal, maybe whatever it is. He had none of that. Yeah. So he was going home to that apartment with like just this shattering new reality. Well, hopefully what cheered him up is he came out and he played out of his fucking mind. He played so well.

He won so much money off of me. He literally, all of my earnings from golf for the year, I lost to Dennis yesterday. Well, we didn't tell him. We all played shit and lost on purpose. Yeah. No, I was even par after seven holes yesterday and he was beating me. No, he played great. And which was, you know, it was just to get him out there and keep him away from home.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So later on, we're going to talk about I finally watched Dave season two. You won't tell me a single thing. You said, save it for the podcast. You've been saying this. That's all we do.

Thursday out together off the show and everything we, everything, every time our conversation starts to get interesting, one of us says, save it for the show. So we literally have nothing to talk about when we see each other. It's kind of true. I would just make fun of Dennis's dead dog on the fifth hole.

So I also want to tease a new segment called Local News. Local News. I don't know if we'll do it every week, but I went into the Nextdoor app. I guess I get emails, and I'll explain what the Nextdoor app is. Anyway, there was a story that just made me laugh so hard. I screen grabbed them, and I'll read my very local story from the Nextdoor app. them and I'll read, I'll read my very local story from the next door app. A shout out to the wonderful John Jeddak who did this week's song, which I thought was a really cool song.

Yeah. God, the songs. I mean, that's an undertaking. Yep. I guess I would be that way if I was under deadline, you know, like on something I had to write and I was really into the podcast and I, and the podcast and I could write songs and I would do that. And that's what happens. It's like cleaning your garage

when you have way more important shit to do. And we're not saying the rhymes have to be, you know, Eminem level. It can be Greg and Leg, which John did in this song. That was the rhyme. That's a real rhyme. What's it called? A phantom rhyme?

Well, what do poets call it? There's a rhyme where it's technically not a rhyme, but it sounds similar. And there's a name for it. I forget it. Onomatopoeia? No, no. It's like a false rhyme or something like that. Onomatopoeia, no. Wowser, no. The logo this week from Jackie Lawrence, who did a very funny one referring to my story last week of dancing, dressed as a leprechaun on the Ellen DeGeneres show, while being laughed at by the woman that I've probably masturbated to more than any celebrity in my life. Did you really? Yeah.

Well, her and Brad. Wait, who's Brad? Brad Pitt pitt oh sorry jesus christ uh i uh yeah looking at this photo she i think she's kind of into you here yeah she's totally into me yeah am i ellen you're ellen yeah Yeah. Am I Ellen? You're Ellen. Yeah. Ellen wore that?

That's embarrassing. Yeah. Well, you know, she's a lesbian. Is she in a boy band? No, but any adult wearing that. It's an adult. I'm not even talking about gender. Right.

All right, anyway. Some corrections. House of Donuts fan says, Greg's sticky fingers cover is a man. Huge bulge is visible. I went back and I looked at it. That is, in fact, true. Did you? I thought you were obviously kidding.

Of course it's a man's. Yeah. That was a burp. Nice. Yeah. This one is, I have a correction. The most offensive and amazing mascot is from Rhode Island School of Design, RISD, which is where David Byrne went and a bunch of other famous artists.

Scrody is the mascot. He can be found at most of their sporting events. Perhaps you'll see him at a NADS hockey game or a balls basketball game. This is a joke. No, this is true. They really do. RISD has a mascot.

I sent you the picture. You saw the picture, right? No, I know you sent the picture, but isn't that some guy just storming the court and running across it like a flasher? Did you fact check this, Greg? Did not fact check it. Oh, great. Now now we're gonna get corrections

on corrections um no i think it's a real thing i you all right we're waiting for chris to start typing in this document you want to jump into the podcast at some point chris i mean i know st louis is a different time zone but can you try to be in this time zone for these two hours well i don't know what time zone he is. Is Chris in Texas suing the shit out of everybody? Hey, while simultaneously getting underage girls pregnant. But you know, you know, Florida is very close. They full on have prepped to follow the Texas law.

So all these states that don't like federal laws are going to sidestep them yeah this is going to be texas just the beginning and of course none of this would be an issue none of it would texas listen texas is the is the is the uh misbehaved stupid kid in the back seat who won't shut up right texas is just a child okay that's fine big child that's fine we know that texas is a big idiot the federal government's job the supreme court is supposed to be like get to your room no dinner you know you fucked up get to your room no dinner and the supreme court decided not to be parents anymore right right so Right. So it's their fault. It's not even Texas.

Texas is, it's like, you know, the Scorpion. Like, what did you think Texas was going to do? Yeah.

Or try to do? All right. James said. Oh my God, I love it. Are there boycotts starting already, by the way?

Honestly. They shouldn't get a super, but private companies that don't agree with this, they're private. Boycott them then. And also, the public private companies that don't agree with this, they're private. Boycott them then. And also the public, if you don't want it,

boycott those products. That's fair. Well, I've already heard that artists are not supposed to go to Texas to perform. That's the first boycott, which could be tough because I'm scheduled to go to, Rogan asked me to come to the opening weekend of his club whenever it opens. Oh, look who just called himself an artist.

Artist formerly known as comedian. Yeah. I'm an artist. I don't know if I should perform down there. You know what? I'm just going to go for okay laughs. I'm not going to give you 100%, guys. Yeah, right. You don't deserve it. I know I'll sabotage the'm not going to give you 100%, guys. Yeah, right.

You don't deserve it. I know I'll sabotage the Texans, not give them the real shit. Yeah. So we finally have – Here he comes. Is Chris going to finally – is he going to write something? I don't – Jesus, there he is.

There's the picture. But is that fact-checking it, or is that just a picture of a guy dressed as a dick at a yeah i mean i've been like that at halloween a ton of times in a giant ball sacks around my knees and my head in the head yeah the pink hat the pink crown they have a circumcised it really is an amazingly unattractive thing. The male penis and the female penis. And in animals too, when you see it, you're like, oh, that's primitive. It's much sexier watching like an airplane fuel, another airplane in flight. Have you ever seen that footage?

Yeah. It's very sexy. That like long fuel tube hovers down, and then they have to line it up, and it's almost a little, like, foreplay as it's trying to find the valve, you know? Right, right. Oh, boy, I got myself worked up. It's real. Chris says it's real. Okay. All right, so RISD is officially the coolest school in the country.

I mean, the talking head started there, so it already had a leg up, and now it's got this up. My friend the talking head started there, so it already had a leg up and now it's got this up. My, uh, my friend's daughter, it just started there this fall. Really? Yeah. Do you know, uh, Mario and Mari and Mario, Mario and Mary, they live around the corner from us. They're architects. I would have remembered that couple's, uh, tandem no she he was out um windsurfing they were in hawaii and he had a heart attack and he collapsed on his board and fell into the water and she was on the shore she used to be a lifeguard she fucking dove in the water swam out got him in a cross chest carry and put him on his board,

put him on his board and saved his life. Is that insane? Wow. Yeah. Oh, man. He can't leave. That's it. He can't leave Mary.

That's for sure. Nope. Although my man, George Lopez, left his wife and part of it was he took her kidney with him. Took the kidney. The whole thing. Not half of it was he took her kidney with him. Took the kidney. The whole thing. Not half of it. The whole thing.

Yep. But just one of them. This comes from James. Hi, guys. Love the show. I never thought I'd be emailing in a correction, but I guess I'm that guy now. When Mike said the Palm Beach Post was called the shiny sheet, he's actually thinking of the Palm Beach Daily News, not the Palm Beach Post.

The shiny sheet is the paper for the town. got it thanks he's correct he's totally you know as i was saying it i'm like i wonder if i'm if i'm calling it the shiny sheet but he did talk about it is absolutely true regarding the daily news and that's why and that is why they did it but good correction you're that guy now though you're that guy now, though. You're that guy. Adam Bean is that guy, too. He says, you're off by two weeks on this one, buddy. Women neither present nor are horny during their periods. I think I talked about how women want to have sex during their periods. Oh, OK.

This is interesting. All right. So that's just a fact. All right. I'm all right. I've had different experiences. Women present and are horny when they are ovulating, and that occurs midway between each period and lasts only about a day or two.

Then if you knock out eight hours at work, during meals, bathing, driving to and from work, texting calls and other distractions, entering a club, being in a bathroom in a club, being anxious in a club, being completely drunk, dancing with her girlfriends, blah, blah, blah. It's only about eight hours a month. Any sex that happens any other time is not because she's horny. It's because she has some sort of mental transaction occurring in her head, i.e. to get leverage, exhausted from all the nagging and harassing to have sex with her,

to get leverage to have work done elsewhere, out of duty, spite. Wow. Question. Is Adam married or divorced? Right. Jesus. I think he doesn't sound happy at all, so I'm going to go with married, not divorced.

It sounds like he's married and looking for a way out at this point. Um, by the way, I think he has a lot wrong here. I've encountered women who are incredibly, uh, Randy, uh,

during that time of the month and very specifically are not in the mood at all while ovulating. Sometimes they experience pain. Yeah. They're like, ah, like, you know, like I'm ovulating, sometimes they experience pain. Yeah. They're like, ah, I'm ovulating. I think they'll have a pain. I find my wife is most horny when I'm on the road. That's what I hear.

Garrett Popple says, Hager the Horrible had nothing to do with rape. Oh. I joked last week that the woman who was handing out coins was doing it so she didn't get raped. They all grabbed a cup and acted like poor beggars, and they took all the money through begging instead of war because they were tired. That was such a funny joke, and you ruined it.

Oh, Garrett. Okay. Garrett. Okay. Garrett. All right. What does Garrett think of the rest? So these are jokes, Garrett. How does he make it through the podcast? How did he get?

We do the funnies at the end. How did Garrett get that far? We had already made anti-Semitic jokes. We had made jokes against women in general. Garrett's next. Guys, there are plenty of intelligent people in Florida. I don't know. Yeah.

Garrett, we got you. It wasn't that funny of a joke that they were just begging for money it really wasn't we were trying to help it a little bit no I mean look the whole spirit of the comics is that these are made for kids and that the that the the undertone of Hager and a lot of the other ones is either rape or hitting your wife or being a shit husband who doesn't listen or care about his hot fucking blonde wife. There's like, it,

that's kind of the overall theme. And maybe I need to remind people that that's the theme, but I shouldn't have to at this point. Here's, there's a couple of things. First of all, Garrett, thank you for writing. Honestly, like that's, that's kind of cool. There's a couple things. First of all, Garrett, thank you for writing, honestly.

That's kind of cool. I have an assignment for you, Garrett. I want you to find a family circus to defend. I think that's a nice assignment. I want you to, just like you defended this haggard, I want you, and see, by the way, I'm open to it. I'm not trying

to shame you. If you find one that's fun, I remember one week I didn't get the family circus and it actually wasn't that bad of a joke. And I think that's why I missed it. I, I, it did make no sense to me. I started to tear it apart. Greg corrected me and said, no, I think this is what they meant. And it was actually better, you know, and that's why I missed it, because I'm not looking for something funny there. And then the other thing is, for a fact, there is implied rape in some of the haggars. It's just a fact. As there is today. And Greg, Garrett Popple, pay attention, because wait till you see today's. And speaking of which, maybe the reason why Garrett is a little bit crusty is that his last name is Popple.

And there's no doubt his nickname is Pop. And that's got to fucking suck. What's up, Pop? You don't like Pop? It sounds like an old man. That's what I used to call my grandfather. I called my grandfather Pop. All right.

Okay. What did you call your grandparents? It's the David Tell joke. there was grandpa alive no my both of my grandparents died both my grandfathers died uh when i was four or something oh i'm sorry I had one. I know about the lunatic who was born in Ireland and actually then was in jail in Ireland, and he picked the more rebel side against the British.

That's your mom's dad? No, my dad's dad. Really? He went to jail with tons of other Irish who thought the Irish were selling out in the peace talks with England. And he was like, there's no fucking way we're accepting that. And Ireland did.

And they went to jail for various reasons. And then when they were let out, as my dad tells me, the writing was so clear on the wall, a little bit like Afghanistan, the writing was so clear on the wall, like, uh, it's you better leave. Like in other words, the, the, the Irish that you screamed that you hated and were whores and we're selling out, uh, that is the new normal. That is the new agreement with England. And, uh, they know who, know who uh you know they'll remember you right on a boat to america anyway that lunatic then my mother when i was beginning i guess at

one years old where was like uh outlawed was i was not allowed to be a passenger in his car. He would sometimes push cars if he felt they weren't doing the right thing in traffic in the Bronx with those, you know, those giant metal cars that everybody had. So anyway, he was like, I guess, a rageaholic behind the wheel. And I wasn't allowed in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. My grandfather, who was also from Ireland, who was in the IRA before he left Ireland, he was a teenager. When he was like 14, 15 years old, he was running messages for the IRA. Wow. Yeah, and then he left and he came to the States when he was 16 years old.

And he started working. He got a job at Con Ed and he worked for Con Edison, which is the electric company. Is this Florence? This is Florence. I love it. Okay, so sorry. Con Ed. to work he got a job at con ed and he worked for con edison is this florence this is florence i love it okay so sorry con ed so he worked for con ed the electric uh company for his entire life back when you had a job for your life and uh so he used to drive these big trucks and then meanwhile he had a he had like a little Chevy Nova, and he used to drive it. He didn't understand when he was on the highway, he'd come up to visit us,

that cars were not going to get out of his way in a Chevy Nova the way they would in a Con Edison truck. And he used to just run people off the road with this fucking Chevy Nova. It was hysterical. All right, tell your Florence joke. Well, his name really was Florence. And when he moved to the Bronx in like whatever it was, probably like 1920, they used to beat him up because his name really was Florence and when he moved to the Bronx in like whatever it was probably like 1920 they used to beat him up

because his name was Florence and so he switched his name to Frank and then one Christmas right before he died he made a big announcement he goes I'm switching my name back to Florence and we beat the shit out of him because it's a dumb name and he was old and weak

and it was easy. Love it. Actually, 100% true story. Switched it to Frank, and then switched it back to Florence when he got old. I'm switching my name back to Garrett Popple. Oh, Pop. Speaking of fucking laughing out loud, Mike and I will be at the Sacramento Punchline on September 18th doing a live taping of Sunday Papers from the stage of the Punchline. Oh, my God.

That reminds me. Hold on. Go ahead. Keep going. And I'll be there that whole weekend, September 16th through 18th at the Sac Punchline. And I'll be there that whole weekend, September 16th through 18th at the SAC Punchline. I will then be at the Mohegan Sun Comics Comedy Club in Connecticut on September 23rd through the 25th. San Francisco Punchline, November 4th through the 6th.

And then also I got dates coming up in Boston and Portland. So go to FitzDawg.com for all tickets. I totally spaced. So this comedian I know, Kelly Price, I wrote with her, actually on George Lopez, who I mentioned earlier. She's really funny, constantly on the road with the talent and all that. I think she's in. Hold on. I totally spaced because she wrote me in Instagram. And so that's why I spaced.

So she's going to feature for you that weekend. Oh, that's amazing. And she's a local and she's pitching that we maybe have her like for a, maybe a Sacramento man, like segment of our podcast or something like that. She's like, there's no shortage. It's like Sacramento is the Florida of California. Oh, is that right? So we'll look into it. But oh, my God, Kelly. So I have to write. I didn't even write her back.

I'm so bad at that. But it was in the DMs, I guess, of Instagram. I never check my DMs. No, I know. I don't do that, really. So that's why I totally spaced. But hopefully she's listening. And she's so funny. So she'll be there, which is great.

So that's Sacramento. And then I'm thinking of driving up. So you're going to drive up and then you're going to camp on your way back? Then I think I'm going to camp, you know, September. All the parks are on fire right now. It'll keep me a little warmer. No, but I'll hop in.

I mean, Yosemite's right there. How can I go to, I've never been to Sacramento, by the way, so it'll be interesting. But yeah, I got to pop in on the way down through the Sierras and September is like, unless you have really warm stuff, depending on your elevation, end of September is it, it gets cold. I mean, unless you're winter camping, it gets really cold. All right. Sacramento. All right. Let's talk about today's podcast. Look, we're all adults here.

All right, let's talk about today's podcast. Look, we're all adults here. I don't know. Sometimes nicotine is something that people want in their lives to relax or focus or unwind. I don't know. I don't really use nicotine, but I used to. I used to chew Redman. What?

Chewing tobacco. Yeah, I used to paint houses with Dudley and Porter, and we would be outside all day, with Dudley and Porter, and we would be outside all day, and I would have a big cheek full of Red Man Chew, and I'd spit all over the house I was painting. You've already won. This is the whitest story of the podcast today for sure. Those names and the chewing. And I think it's dangerous, and, you know, if I were painting today,

I would get myself some slim nicotine pouches where there's no tobacco at all, but you can still get one of three strengths, four, eight, or 12 milligrams. They include coconut oil and gum base, and they give you a nice little texture and keeps you going. Spearmint, mango, cool cider are the flavors that they come in. Yep. You know what's great? They still come in the same tin, so you can still get that outline in your jeans pocket

from carrying the tin around. Right. No tobacco. That's the best part. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. So if you want to switch over from smoking or chewing something to this, I think it's a great idea.

Why hasn't someone done this before? They probably have, but they didn't sponsor us, so we never talked about it. Once they sponsor us, we get really into talking about it. It's weird how that works. Go to lucy.co and use promo code PAPERS. Get 20% off your order of Lucy Slim Pouches or any other Lucy products.

That's lucy.co. Use promo code PAPERS at checkout. Also, I have to give this disclaimer, warning. This product contains non-tobacco nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Okay, lucy.co. Be sure to use that promo code PAPERS. You know what? Before we start here, everything's becoming, you know, with science, everything they're, you know, reducing it to the, you know, like they've taken the nicotine

out of tobacco, I guess, or they've, anyway, they've gotten nicotine without tobacco. Do you think there'll ever be an alcohol pill? That's an outrageously good question. In other words, like,

I'm coming home from work. Well, boy, people would take it while driving. But it's like I'm coming home from work. I'm on the train. I don't really want to ingest. You remember Grand Central would sell the 32 ounces Fosters. Oh, yeah. They had a name for the can. I forget what they were.

But like, I mean, this is what this is what I loved about New York. Forget forget that it's alcohol. It's just, they knew people were busy. They knew people were in a rush. Kind of like Dodger stadium is the same thing. Like, what don't you get? What's with your 45 minute beer line. Anyway, you would be going your commute. There was countless guys with carts with tons of beer on ice for everybody's commute home out of Grand Central up to Westchester, Connecticut and all over the place. Anyway, it's like, all right, but I could take a pill that would have the same effect as that giant can of Fosters.

And you wouldn't have it on your breath and you wouldn't put on the pounds, the calories. You wouldn't have a giant belly, right? You wouldn't be gassy. I think you might have stumbled onto something here, Mike. Why don't you look into it? All right, I'm really getting to it, guys. I mean, we're Irish. We are the original bootleggers.

Maybe you can come up with some kind of a pill. Yeah, it would be easier. I'm trying to think of all the pluses and minuses. I mean, the amount of THC that's being ingested now rather than being smoked, I would say more people are eating pot than smoking it at this point. I think in LA, you're right. Put it this way. So many are that there's a little bit of a backlash.

Like joints have definitely made a comeback. Like if you look at all the E's, Amuse, if you look at all the delivery sites, there are a lot more joints on there. Pre-rolls. It's retro. It's like having pubic hair again. Oh, all right. I guess that could be what it is. The only thing with the alcohol pill, it's hard to roofie.

Front page. Extra. Extra. We all love it. Extra. Extra! We all love it! Extra! We are back to our... Keep in mind, the newspaper, this is August 1st newspaper. That's how topical we are. And by the way, I didn't see this.

I want to read this. Did you read this? This is the front page of the Arts and Leisure section, New York Times, from August 1st. This is not part of our show. But Ted Lasso's world, not David Brent's. Ricky Gervais' The Office broke ground 20 years ago. Now TV embraces sincerity. Yeah. I don't know if I'm on board with the Ted Lasso thing.

I watched the first few episodes, and now I just got the screeners for the rest. So I'm going to watch the rest now. Did you get them digitally? I think you can download them somehow, but we got the discs. We'll just watch it on the disc. Oh, maybe that's what. They're telling me I have a delivery. I'm like, I didn't order anything.

Maybe that's what's going on. But I think that sincerity moment lasted about a week. Yeah, I'm not into sincerity. Front page, be sincere about this. All right, this is a follow-up to a story we did about a year ago. Yeah. A Grand Haven couple has been ordered to pay $45,000 after disposing of their son's pornography collection.

This is great. David Working, like Working One Out, 43, collection this is great david working like working one out 43 sued his parents after they threw away what a judge called a trove of pornography and an array of sex toys i like the vocabulary those are quotes yeah yeah because a trove i mean david tell has a trove of pornography i don't know if he still has it. So much that he made a fucking show called Dave's Old Porn. Also, trove is rarely used without treasure preceding it. Yes, yes.

And an array usually applies to flowers, fruits. Yes. Colors. An edible arrangement. Yeah. fruits yes colors an edible arrangement yeah so uh maloney uh the judge said the defense hired expert the defense hired expert in pornography valuation dr victoria hartman okay i gotta get to know dr hartman yeah i need some backstory on hartman i I need to know the criteria. I need to know how she places value on this. All right, go ahead. I want to know if she's hot.

Determine the destroyed collection value to be $30,000. She could not provide a value for 107 titles on the Suns list. So there were some titles, Black Bun Cruisers and such, that maybe you can't put a price on? No. I mean, double anal annies, it's priceless. Good luck, Dr. Hartman, putting a value on that. You think on Golden Blonde can possibly have?

Just that pun alone is priceless. But by the way, $30,000, I know you're not done with the story but 30 and a half thousand dollars or 30 500 is considering almost all of porn is available for free somewhere online yes that's amazing they can be replaced with five fucking keystrokes um all right i'm gonna give you mike i'll give you a movie let's play a game, I'll give you a movie title. Let's play a game. I give you a movie title. You give me the porn title. All right, wait, do we plan this? Did you write... No.

I just thought this would be fun off the top of our heads. Well, we'll see about that. All right. Okay. Saving Ryan's Privates. There you go. No, come on, that's easy. Hey, wait, we have a lot of comedy fans listening to this some some are just very literal like the guy wrote a letter earlier about hagger but there was a

lesson i'll never forget that i i learned myself the hard way i wrote a spec script once and it was for just shoot me with david spade who i didn't know at all and then eventually i was working with the guy and he's amazing but I had a spec script and I made a decision there was an opportunity to put in these jokes uh uh the the hackneyed um porn titles and actually Saving Ryan's Privates uh that was in the theater which will date this that was in the theater at the time or just coming out and my rationale i put it in there i didn't feel good about it and i was like you know this is this is hack but a couple of things like uh affected my decision to leave it in which i did and i regret was spade could be kind of meta and say something

hacky in a funny way. So there was that. And I did it. His character said it. But I made the fatal mistake of I said, OK, it's hacky to me, but agents don't know what the fuck funny is. And this is really for an agent and other managers to read. I'm trying to get a job. That's sorry.

That's what a spec script is. It's a sample script I'm writing to be judged by this trying to get a job. That's sorry. That's what a spec script is. It's a sample script I'm writing to be judged by this town and hopefully getting work. And don't make that mistake. If you don't like it, don't put that. If the joke is beneath you, don't put it in there. And by the way, agents do see a lot of really funny writers and the writer before you might've been a lot funnier who they're reading his spec script. So anyway, I just thought that I know we get a lot of really funny writers and the writer before you might have been a lot funnier who they're reading his spec script. So anyway, I just thought that

I know we get a lot of letters where they love when we talk about, you know, kind of behind the scenes in Hollywood and stuff. So that's a regret I have and that was

Saving Ryan's Privates. All right, let's do it for the, I'm on Rotten Tomatoes Best Movies of All Time. All right. I'll give you some titles and you give me the,

Okay. All right. So I'll give you some titles, and you give me the... Okay. Citizen Kane. Yeah, Citizen Bang. No, what would it be? Citizen Pain. It's all anal. The whole movie's anal. All right, you need a subtitle for that to work.

Yeah. All right. Let's see. Toy Story. Double Anal 13. All right. Let's see. Toy Story. Double Anal 13. That one. The Godfather. Toy Story.

It has toy right in it. Yeah, I know. That's all it needs to be. Yeah. The Godfather. The Stepmother. But no one's going to. I guess if the stepmother's like patting a pussy,

there we go, on the cover, like that's the artwork maybe. All right. I should be faster. There's something with father, right? Godfather figure, godfather, I don't know. A star is born. I don't know. All of is born. I don't know. All of a sudden I'm thinking of anuses.

A star. A star in porn. I mean, isn't it right there? A star in porn. There it is. Yeah. A star is, I don't know. God, I should be so much better at this.

Sorry, I apologize. Singing in the rain. Yeah. Felching in the rain. Yeah. Felching in the rain? It doesn't quite have the ring to it, and it doesn't rhyme. Anyway, let's... Jizzing in Elaine. Singing in Uranus? Stinging in Uranus?

Stinging in the pain? Send us yours. Stinging in the pain. Send us yours. Stinging in the pain. Send us yours, folks. Go to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com, and we'll read your porn titles next week. Cunnilinging in the drain? I don't know. Let's change subjects.

Oh, hold on. When do I do the paper? It's been so long. We're still... Oh, wait. Here's Dr. Victoria. Dr. Victoria Hartman. What about her?

Look, I think Chris put in some info. Oh, holy shit! Wow! She's the executive director of the Erotic Heritage Museum, among other things. She holds a PhD in human sexuality with an emphasis on

clinical sexology, as well as a master in public health. Her primary focus is in forensic sexology and the preservation of erotic artifacts, including the archiving of sexually explicit films. Doctor, doctor.

Huh. So, you see her posing with that gentleman there? Yeah, she's got a dildo in her hand. I thought it was like a rolling pin from the kitchen. What is that thing? It's a big dildo. It's a really big dildo. I guess we have to put that up.

Don't forget to put that up, I guess. You don't want a big dildo for your wife that has like triple D batteries in it. Good luck getting any satisfaction out of your wife when she's been putting a fucking 69 Cadillac in her pussy all week. Get her the lamest, like number two pencil sized vibrator. Greg, so far we've had a totally clean podcast. I don't know why you're making it so sexually explicit now. Do you know that we get, that YouTube bans us every week?

They don't ban us, but they pull the advertising off. Or they don't give us the money for the advertising because we talk dirty. Do they keep it? I don't know what happens to the money because they run ads on the podcast and then they don't give it to us because we're dirty. It's like we're children. Well, it's like they're thieves if they keep the money.

Yeah. I mean, I'm assuming they're still running ads on the show, but we used to get money for it and then every single week they flag us. I wonder if they pull our money if I call them thieves. Whoops. Yeah, right. All right. Next story.

It's not a section, though. Keep going. So. Oh, boy. This is a loaded issue. This is loaded. The rise in people using ivermectin. You sure you want to go down this road?

Are you saying because of rogan it's a sensitive podcast issue uh in a way well this uh anti-parasitic drug usually reserved for deworming horses or livestock as a treatment for or preventative for covid19 has emergency rooms quote so backed up that gunshot victims were having a hard time getting access to health facilities, an emergency room doctor in Oklahoma said. So I guess people are ODing on this stuff. It sounds like people are also trying to treat their COVID by shooting themselves. Is that what I'm reading?

I think we're talking about Oklahoma. That's just Saturday night in Oklahoma. I think I got the COVID cornered in my ankle. Let me shoot it. Yeah, so, you know, as people know, Rogan took this, allegedly. I didn't read the article. Somebody just mentioned that to me. I would say, no, no, no.

Well, all right. I'm hoping, you're right, let. Well, all right. I'm hoping you're right. Let's say allegedly, but I read it everywhere. That would mean all those people didn't fact check. Oh, he said it. Now Chris is saying he said it. Oh, that's right. Instagram live.

Yes. He made a post and that he did say it. So maybe it's still allegedly because he doesn't know what he's talking about. No, he took it. Yeah. So he took it and, um, you and um you know this is the all right go ahead i want to talk about rogan well you know full disclosure rogan's one of my closest friends and uh he's a guy that uh i think is misunderstood in the sense that he never sought out to be, you know, he's not the fucking president's spokesperson. He's not a scientist.

He's a comedian who tells dick jokes and has opinions that sometimes range from, you know, conspiracy theories. I mean, there was a while there he believed that we hadn't landed on the moon, as I also believed we didn't land on the moon. Now I do believe we did. You, for a while, thought that the moon landing was a scam? Yes, I did. You did?

I didn't smoke pot for like 20 years. No, 15 years. I didn't drink or smoke pot at all. And then I started smoking a little bit of pot when I turned 40. And the night that it happened, I was at my friend Ross Broccoli's farm in Lincoln, Nebraska. Ross Broccoli is an American treasure. He's an American treasure. He's a huge conspiracy theorist. He's off the rails, but he got me high. And then he started showing me YouTube videos of the moon landing and

you know the flag blowing in the wind and there's no wind on the moon and uh the spin as the i've heard it all i've heard it all okay do you know about the his his space suit has like the material being pulled obviously it was like a cord i guess i didn't know that part. No. Anyway, he showed me so much stuff that I was fully convinced that they staged. Now, this isn't to say they didn't land on the moon, but that some of this footage was shot by Stanley Kubrick, it seemed like. Right. I mean, why was Marlon Brando on the moon? That is a little weird.

Or that woman painting her pussy in the godmother so uh okay i since believe that we have landed on the mood and that that footage is correct but like joe there was a period where i didn't believe it so there's the thing i like joe because i heard he said i was funny once so it's hard for me to criticize him, but I'm actually not criticizing him when I, when I, when I set out to talk about him here, I, when I see a lot of clips and I know people are gonna have a lot to say about, you know, all the times he's wrong, I guess, but I actually see a very, very curious mind at work who is really inviting, uh, you know, um, critics to change his mind. Like when I see him have doctors on and scientists on, I think Joe loves more than anything,

his mind being blown and this scientist changing his mind. And I know that can be fertile ground for conspiracy theorists to also come in like you were with evidence and try to change Joe's mind about like we didn't land on the moon, for example, whatever. But I am wondering when I see this story and I'm wondering when I hear that Joe Rogan has taken ivermectin,

um, what does he know? Because he has some of the smartest people in the world sitting across from him at times. Yeah. I know he has a lot of jackasses that sit across from him also. Yeah. But I'm wondering what he knows about ivermectin. I also know the medical community thinks he's wrong no matter what he knows.

Yeah. So I think it's an interesting issue. Yeah. I mean, I think he's a guy that, uh, I, I texted him this week just to say, I hope you're feeling better. And then he wrote, yeah says he's throwing everything at it is he vaccinated i have no idea wasn't he famously do i have this wrong was he famously not vaccinated no he made a comment once that if if he was a young man he doesn't think he would get vaccinated or he doesn't think you you need to all right and uh and I think he's he stepped he stepped that back later. OK. Chris says he Chris says he's talked about not being vaccinated.

All right. We don't know. So I'm not saying anything definitively. And I don't know what his stand is on mass, but I guess I would hope if throwing everything at it, that's the cure. I guess he wasn't throwing everything at being preventative if you weren't doing those things. Right. Well, he tested all of his all of his guests, including me. When you go on the show, you get tested right before you go on. And, you know, I do know how real he is about the disease because I think I maybe mentioned this last week early on. I mean, so early in this COVID thing, he had that amazing scientist on from Minnesota, Minnesota. You can Google it. I'm not going to have the guy's name, but it's the infectious disease lab or whatever it is in Minnesota. It's at it's at the college. And and this guy's an expert in pandemics.

And man, I am. Let's say that, I don't even know, February or January. That dude laid it out and it's exactly how it happened. Yeah. At that point, he was already talking about Thanksgiving in America. Really? Yes. And so all of a sudden, Michael Osterholm. I was, and he was on March 10th.

Chris is writing this in there. I am telling you, go back and watch that. And Joe's not doubting any of it. Like he's so appreciating this guy's, you know, wisdom and expertise. And, and I became the naysayer and my family saying, no, no, it's going to be between 500,000 and a million deaths. Oh, my God, I was ridiculed in my family. Yeah. Ridiculed.

Well, that's normal, though, isn't it? I know, but I just want to get my foot back in the door. And then I drop a truth bomb and the door just shuts on my foot. Yep. Arizona, a father barged into his elementary school kid's principal's office to protest a mask requirement. He's been arrested. Rashim Ramberon, 40, stormed into Principal Diane Vargo's office on Thursday with zip tie handcuffs. All right. To a since removed Instagram videos. He had two friends accompany him and they claimed that the school broke the law when administrative officials told his kid

to wear a mask and quarantine after potential exposure to COVID-19. Let me tell you something. Oh. We have become a vigilante society and this is going to be so much fun. I've always wanted to take the law into my own hands. Now I can go to Texas and do it.

I can do it in Arizona. I'm getting some fucking zip ties. I'm getting a stun gun. I mean, why have laws? Why should we live by laws? Because we, people in camouflage, can live by their own rules. You just need camouflage and boots, and you can do it. And first of all, they don't need financial incentive.

Like getting back to that Texas thing, vigilantes are just waiting for an opportunity to act. And now Texas and very soon Florida and I'm sure Arizona are going to incentivize these people. Yep. Finan to incentivize these people. Yep. Financially incentivize them. I mean, we love as a culture, we've always loved, you know, Dirty Harry movies. You know, what are the ones that Charles Bronson used to do? Oh, yeah, of course.

Death Wish was Death Wish. We love Vigilantes. Of course. Death Wish. Was it Death Wish? We love vigilantes. We loved the guy on the subway in New York who shot somebody. Getz. Yeah, Bernard Getz.

Then we found out that he was racist and it maybe wasn't so good. But that's the thing. He was the biggest hero for a while. He was a hero. New York Post readers fucking loved that guy because it was so much crime on the subways. But guess what? He turned out to be a fucking homicidal racist. readers fucking loved that guy because it was so much crime on the subways but guess what he turned out to be a fucking homicidal racist and so he also may have shot a little early a little earlier

it wasn't like the last resort no it was like sir do you want to buy a snickers bar to support my high school basketball team that's a scam well he's my hero if he did that. All right. Yeah. So I don't know. I think we all want to be vigilantes. We all want to cheer for the vigilante because we feel like the system protects the criminal too often. But the principal of your kid's school who is telling your child that he's been that he has to quarantine because he's been exposed that's not that's not a that's not a fucking criminal right there's also other ways to act up because listen in being fair-minded for a second let's say uh trump won right and

trump's in office and let's say like you know he just the the supreme court's fully loaded you know, he just the Supreme Court's fully loaded, you know, to the right. And let's say they pass stuff that is outrageous in a left per left leaning person's mind. Right. So let's say me. I want to tear the whole system down. I want to I believe there's a capital J justice out there that's not being served by the lowercase J justice that that is put in law. Yeah. So kind of like MLK, I'm not comparing myself, but I'm like that concept of if you believe a law is wrong, you should be willing to go to jail. In other words, you you should make a there. And that's what we'll be doing. There are correct ways to do it. You don't go into your school's principal with zip ties. That's not what you do. Yeah.

All right. This is a comedy podcast. All right. What are we doing? Let's talk about local news. Local news. News segment. Okay. So I signed up for the Nextdoor app, right? Local news. News segment.

Okay, so I signed up for the Nextdoor app, right? The Nextdoor app is famous, and it's basically, what it's come down to is you see a lot of Karens on there screaming about, and it gets very racist very fast. Did anybody see that non-white gentleman walking around our block last night? Oh, yeah, no, that's all it is. And as a matter of fact, I talked to my around our block last night oh yeah no that's all that's all it is and as a matter of fact i talked to my my friend owen smith last night he's a great comic and a great writer and his wife and they're black and we were hanging out last night owen smith is black

okay yeah and he was telling me about his wife wrote uh a piece about how next door how the next door neighbor apps they live in i'm not gonna say where they live, but they live in a nice community. God, that was racist. They live in a predominantly white neighborhood. Jesus. I got to check my fucking privilege there, Mike. Yeah, they live in an uppity neighborhood. I mean, up and coming neighborhood.

And so she wrote a piece about it and it got picked up in like the Washington Post. Oh, wow. Places because but but to their credit, the Next Door Neighbor app reached out to her and they talked about how they could make the app come off as less racist. Wow. Yeah. So I signed up for the Nextdoor app. I signed up for it during Black Lives Matter because they actually would post where like protests were happening and it was very informative about what was going on. Keep in mind, everything was also shut down at that time. And so anyway, I signed up for it. I was very late. There was already there's already a very very funny, I think Twitter account called like the best of next door or something like that. I love it. I mean, where you will see on there, there's typical things like, did anybody notice that

like the Anderson's garage was open last night? Like, you know, and it's all, it's so funny. Anyway, I love this. So I go on, this is all true. This is from, uh, August 27th. Okay. This is the last Friday. Um, the reason I go on is I kind of once in a while I'll get an email like this is on next door right now. Right? So I saw this, here it is. It's from this, uh, woman named Lisa. I'm so upset. And then there's a crying cat emoji. Okay. So already I'm so in, I'm so upset. I'm shaking. I don't know if this is the right platform to post this, but I need help finding a support group. I was just informed that my long term, sorry, long time husband has been cheating on me with a coworker or coworker's sister.

I'm in shock. I never thought he would do such a thing to me. I'm at a loss for words. I won't see him tonight or allow him back in my life. What a sleazy SOB. Sadly, I kind of had a gut feeling, but I am very naive. I'm crying now. Hope he gets genital warts.

Ah! Okay. now hope he gets genital warts okay so first of all i mean she really has no resources in her life she's right i don't know if this is the right platform for a post like this in other words like she like it's just her talking to her cats like who who do I turn to? Daddy cheated on me. Guys? Like, okay, I guess I go on the Nextdoor app. Okay, so. And also, keep in mind, when you post on the Nextdoor app, it puts your address out. Like, it identifies who you are on the app.

Does it? I know it pinpoints your exact neighborhood and all that. Maybe. So, to my surprise, there was an outpouring of love. So Sherry's like, so Lisa, today was your blessed day that the universe handed you the dirty truth. And now you can leave him, heal your wounds and move on to something better. Jennifer says you will be.

By the way, I've got an ottoman in the garage. If you want it, it might cheer you up to sit on it a little bit. And did anyone notice that Mexican landscaping truck? It doesn't look legitimate. Jennifer says, you will be much better without him. It might not feel like that at this moment, but it's all God's plan. I pray for you. Then another post says,

he will get genital warts. Yes, he will. Because it's God's plan. God is going to plant some fucking warts on his balls. Okay, so come on. By the way, are genital warts, do they go in your shaft or do they go in your balls? They can go anywhere, man.

They're warts. Jesus. So anyway, the reason I did this is there is a nicely crafted, like I've put these, you know, I've read these comments on ours. So then it gets back on track. I'm sorry this happened. It happened to me. I kicked him out, served him with divorce papers and got full custody of my daughter.

Get a lawyer ASAP and change your locks and passcodes to your bank accounts. Teresa says, you need to file legal separation immediately. You will be responsible for any expenses he makes until that separation is filed. Who knows what luxury items he's buying for her. And then check the safe deposit box if it is joint. So all of a sudden this advice is pouring in, right? Karen, of course it's Karen says,

first I would take management and control of every asset as a wife in a community property state. You can manage and control everything and you should get control of finances, get control of finances before he does. Um, I had a friend who, you know, well uh he's a he's in the entertainment industry and uh he he had a drinking problem and he got all fucked up maybe some coke was involved and he just he just decided to fly to vegas on a bender and so he gets to vegas and he's staying in the four seasons he has a lot of money and uh

and he's gambling and he's drinking and then he goes to the atm machine to get some money out card declined and then he goes to his room and there's a message from the front desk that he has to get out of his room that the charges are declined his credit card has been declined and uh he can't he can't get a meal. Like, none of his credit cards work. He's got no fucking cash. His wife fucking shut him down. Because she's a super high operator in the entertainment industry.

All right, yeah. And she knows how to fuck people over. And she fucking wired him enough money for a plane ticket back. And that's all he had. He had the peanuts and the 7- up on the flight to get home. That was it. My ATM cards. It won't even cut my cocaine on this mirror.

Dude, he quit drinking after that. He's been sober now for like five years. Okay. So Lois, top priority is to move any money to a new account ASAP. Change the locks on your residence also and get a lawyer right away. Make sure you know how your household bills are set up, your name or his. Credit card should also be closed

down or changed immediately so he can't charge up a fortune on your card. Cry later, but take action now. Okay, then Melinda, isn't he going to see this? I died. I died. I died. It's, you know, it's all in the comments and all this, all this advice on what to do with

his assets, which are half his and all this. Isn't he going to see this? Okay. Okay. Then new direction. And do the exact same thing to you before you have a chance to do it. Right. New, right. He's reading this advice too. Then new direction. And do the exact same thing to you before you have a chance to do it. Right. New.

Right. He's reading this advice too. And then that was enough for me. I would have read this today if that was it. Then new direction. Then Bradley comes on. That's terrible. Was the girl he cheated with younger than you?

What does she look like? Is your husband good looking or is he a fat pig? You have to know the reasons why he cheated to fix the problem. Men usually don't cheat just to cheat. They cheat because there's something missing. So, here comes Joy.

Joy chimes in. Wait, so what is this guy saying? So, is he trying to say it's your fault? Hold on. Here comes Joy. Bradley, you completely blame the victim. She doesn't need to fix anything. It's not up to her to find out what he did. It's his fault for doing it.

Period. Janet. Bradley, men cheat because they can. If her husband was dissatisfied with the relationship, he could have separated, suggesting going to counseling or filed for divorce. And then David. This is the best. So this is the last one I'll read. This filed for divorce. And then David, what the, this is the best.

So this is the last one I'll read. This is the best. David then chimes in. Bradley, what the fuck, dude? Seriously, what a bunch of idiotic criteria. Wait, dot, dot, dot. Are you the husband? That's the greatest i couldn't believe it i want where are you when i'm trying to fill a writer's room this is the greatest this is the greatest writing ever

that that he thinks bradley like well wait minute. Was she getting a little out of shape? Wait a minute. Was she nagging? Did she think fellatio was only premarital? Did she not give him alone time when he got back from the office? Did she take the big piece of chicken at dinner? Oh, my God. So thank you you Nextdoor app

and thank you everyone that's so on there. Also, who are these people that are waiting to read these stories and then like, oh my God. Alright, new section. Here we go, entertainment. Let's do some entertainment. Here's the entertainment section. There it is.

We don't seem to have any entertainment stories that would normally fall on you. I want to hear Season 2 of Dave. All right, so I did it. It was one of these things that we talked about on the golf course yesterday. I said I saw Season 2. Let's wait for the podcast to talk about it. It's everything you said it would be. I thought it was more dramatic than the first season. It still had a ton of like there are belly laughs on the show. There are outright belly laughs and Santino is responsible for most of them wow look at that fucking good yeah I mean he just has it's just a great rhythm he has great timing he can transition

from dramatic to comedic uh without ever losing his what it is that makes him unique I think he's gonna be a big star it also, the more I get to know him now, it's also not him. Right. Santino is lightning quick, which doesn't allow him to be that vulnerable sometimes because he's so fast and on guard and very, you know, very incisive, very sort of, he can really tear things apart. right? So this, though, is not that type of person that he's playing in there. Well, it's much more like his stand-up. His stand-up is that voice. Okay.

Yeah, he's pretty close to what he does on stage. Okay, I was trying to say that Santino had range. I guess you're saying you're sticking to your guns. He has no range. Okay. But I thought the season was great. You talked about the season finale being great. I thought, and there's 10 episodes.

I thought episode nine was the one that stole the season. Well, I don't know. The one where he goes off to see Ruben. What's his name? Oh, I don't know if you've been listening. That's the one I'm predicting wins the Emmy Award. Oh, I thought you were talking about the final episode. Yeah, no, that episode is, it's art.

It's absolutely art. It is. It's great. And the fact that they, I don't want to spoil alert it, but just to say that his acting, and I don't know this guy, Little Dicky. My son does. My son was already a fan of his- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of his rapping before the show ever came out. Right. As a matter of fact, before the show ever came out. As a matter of fact, he lives on the West Side, and Owen has seen him twice out in coffee shops. Yeah. But he is a really good actor. He plays a different kind of character. He plays another version of himself. He plays another role in this. Yeah.

And he plays it in a way you go like— That role was really good. Yeah. And then I also, I love the guy from High Maintenance. You ever see that series High Maintenance on HBO? Okay. I turned you on to High Maintenance. That's all I raved about.

Oh, the listeners right now must be driving off the road. So the guy who's from that show... How great was he nails it fucking nails it so nails it yeah yeah uh god there's such a funny line that he he says uh he's like and what happened is dave interrupts him and says thank you and he's like and he wasn't finished with his sentence which wasn't complimentary at all i won't remember the exact thing but that line is in there it's so funny yeah and it's i mean the cinematography the way it's shot is fucking beautiful they spent some money on that

episode big time um i actually zoomed with uh for a meeting with the director of that episode just coincidentally last week katow k-i-t-a-o japanese-born american guy now and uh yeah i like even like i even specifically you know because i gotta watch how effusive i was but like even though like when he's walking with a remote control car i'm giving nothing away here but when he's walking with a remote control car, I'm giving nothing away here, but when he's walking with a remote, following the remote control car by the pool, that pan, that trucking shot behind the like chaise lounges. Like I just, nevermind the world, the Kubrick like world he created. It's great. Yeah. Oh, I'm glad.

I thought you were, cause I definitely overbuilt it, but it's one of those things where it's like, I want people to watch it. So I tend to hype it so um i tend to hype it but i think it delivers even on my hype i do and i mean somebody wrote in saying that the that he's unlikable and that the characters are unlikable absolutely so so are a lot of shows but uh he pulls it off yeah i don't know it's hard to write someone off as unlikable when they're that vulnerable and aware of their flaws and they talk about it. Well, it's like they're talking about the Sopranos movie and somebody said in their review that the son has the same thing. Because Gandolfini's son is playing him in this prequel. Oh, yeah.

Because, you know, Gandolfini's son is playing him in this prequel. Oh, yeah. And that he has the same sad vulnerability, was the way they described it, that Gandolfini had. And there's a reason why The Sopranos introduced a new kind of drama with the real antihero that Breaking Bad followed suit with and a lot of other shows. you know, that Breaking Bad followed suit with and a lot of other shows. And it's that if it's if that character is vulnerable enough, you can still pull for them. And it's really it's this guy captures that as well. Dude, one of my lasting images from The Sopranos and there could be a lot. I mean, if you have not watched The Sopranos and you're listening to this, like, just put it pretty high on your to-do list. My daughter is, like, almost done

with the final episode right now. And it's hard to get into because there's been a lot of great TV since, and most of it owes a huge debt to The Sopranos. But one of the images, and it can be from any episode in any season, is, like, when he would sit there like mouth breathing and his eyes are just like and he's like, why they're watching the Western. You know, they would have him watching Westerns on TV, eating ice cream.

But him just sitting and he's thinking usually came towards the end of an episode, thinking about maybe where he is, what happened and what does that mean to him in his life now? And like he would just sit on the couch and it was like a gorilla. He was like this like gorilla just sitting there with blank eyes, mouth breathing. And you could see like, you know, the activity in his head, like what, you know, what he's thinking about. Watching him eat a bowl of pasta was acting. He didn't just eat a bowl of pasta was acting he didn't just eat that bowl of pasta the way his eyes moved and the way he like he said his breathing was part of his acting totally yeah yeah i wonder like if he got congested like i don't you know on purpose kind of like no no mike you you doing cocaine the entire time.

He was. He had a cocaine issue. Are you serious? Oh, yeah. It's pretty well documented, yeah. I don't know. You could sit there with dead eyes like that when you're wired. He would show up to set, like, after an all-night bender.

I heard this from somebody who worked on the show. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, he had a real problem. All right. I don't know somebody who worked on the show. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. He had a real problem. All right. I don't know if we needed to bring that. I get the truth. I guess we're about the truth. You're going to get sued for libel. I allegedly had a problem. I went back and watched Summit Pen 15 because- Oh, I love that show.

Because it's nominated for an Emmy. I haven't seen the animated one yet. Have you seen the animated one? No need. Well, the animated one probably because of COVID, and I want to see it, so that's one of the other. Anyway, all right, so I started watching Nine Perfect Strangers. Ugh.

You haven't seen it? I saw it. Ugh. I don't know why there's not a uh dwarf at the beginning saying the plane the plane right right because that's exactly what this show is yeah it's fantasy island it's fantasy island and it has the same rigid structure where here's the beginning let's show first character. What's their backstory? What do they want? What's their conflict? Cut to next character. Let's track their.

It's like watching a writer write out the backstories of each one. There's no. It's so linear. It's so boring. The actors feel like they're all being directed by different people because they, it's terrible. And it's so desperately trying to be a big little lies or whatever. It's the same,

you know, it's a, what's his, no, not David Chase, David Kelly, David Kelly. It's,

I mean, I think they hired the same musicians, the same direct, like it's the, and it's the same actress. It's such the same feel of these like ocean shots it's like trying to just lean into that sort and of course like on the way there you're talking about when they developed the first introduce the characters in the middle of nowhere oh someone's pulled over on the side of the road someone else pulls over

conflict i wonder if he's gonna be at your destination yeah and then uh nicole kidman's accent i laughed so hard when she first opened her mouth with that weird fucking melania trump meets charo it was the weirdest fucking accent it was so contrived and the way they panned in on her and she made this fucking graceful entrance and then opens her mouth and spews that shit. I was laughing my ass off. I was like, next, next. I'm still going to watch it. With all this said, I'm still going to watch it.

I think that's the thing about it. I think it's campy. I think people are going to watch it to see how bad it is. No, but there's a seductive quality about it. It's the same thing with, I wound up hating it, but the Nicole Kidman in New York City where the mistress was killed. Oh, I like that. Oh, you could not have liked the last episode, the ending.

Didn't like the last episode, but I liked the series. No, but it had you guessing like crazy who did it and very unsatisfying. Let's just say that. Yeah, yeah. All right. Are we moving on with more news? It's time to do Florida, man. Mike Gibbons' favorite part of the news.

It's not my favorite part of the news. In fact, I'm pitching for a while. We switch it up and do Texas man. So we have a Texas man also. Let's do both this week and then let the people decide. Okay, here's the Florida man I found. I rewrote it a little. I mean, I didn't change anything. I just reordered it.

An aerial banner flown by a plane over a beach in Florida raised concern regarding hate speech. But it turns out the banner wasn't meant to be hate speech or a joke. It was a marriage proposal to a woman people are guessing is named Judith or Julia. So this airplane flew a banner over the ocean so all the beachgoers and everybody near the beach could read it. And the banner simply read, Jew, I have a question. J-E-W. J-E simply read jew i have a question jw yeah jw i have a question dot dot dot a representative of aerial banners who are the company that flew the banner said uh the guy said he didn't realize the banner could be read as offensive until he got a call

from the local branch of the Anti-Defamation League. So everyone started and it was on Twitter and everyone started going crazy thinking that this was anti-Semitic. And it turned out this was the way this guy chose to propose to Judith or Julia. Now, I don't know if he approved the J-E-W spelling. I don't know how else you would say. If he calls her, first of all, is his nickname for his now-fiancee Jew? Yeah. Hey, Jew.

What does he yell in restaurants? Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that seems like, well, first of all, I think that next weekend I'm going to rent a plane and fly over that same beach. And it's going to say, why do Hasidim wear those curls on the sides of their heads? And will you marry me, fellas? Is Hanukkah really that big a deal, or are you trying to keep up with the Christians can you pay off a fully adjustable 7 year loan early or are there penalties

my mind's racing if her nickname is Jew what must their situations be in life does he page her in Walmart when he loses her will a Jew come to the information desk be in life like when they're does he page her in walmart when he loses her yeah well will a jew come to the information desk jew yeah i mean and in restaurants and everything i mean

my mind can't think fast enough right now but uh it's not the way to think of a different pet name yeah i think all the ones i'm thinking of are too offensive. Yeah. Well, let's compare it to Texas, man. Okay. I wouldn't do a paper crinkle for this. Do we? I guess we do.

It's a new section. Here comes Texas, man. All right. All right. A Tesla crash victim's autopsy shows his alcohol level was around twice the legal limit for Texas, reports say. Meanwhile, by the way, I did some research. The legal limit for intoxication in Texas, if you're still coherent enough to sue a woman in her Uber driver, if you think they're driving to a Planned Parenthood, you are sober. Okay. If you think they're driving to a Planned Parenthood, you are sober. Yeah.

Okay. William Varner and Everett Talbot. Willie and Everett were killed when the Tesla Model S they were driving crashed and caught fire near Houston, Texas. Police said, here it is. Police said the men were found in the backseat of the vehicle. Raising questions about whether the vehicle had been driven by autopilot, Tesla's self-driving technology. Varner, or Willie, let's call it, Willie and Everett,

both died from, quote, blunt force trauma and thermal injuries, according to their autopsy reports. I'm betting one of them might have asphyxiated on a cock also, but that's not in the police report, but I'm just guessing. So a couple of drunk gentlemen just happened to jump in the back of the car while the car is driving itself? There's a lot of Texans going, that's God punishing them right there. That's exactly what it is. Oh, my God.

I mean, that would be kind of, I could see that being really sexy. Going like, hey, what do you say we get in the back seat? But the car might crash. I know. I know. Let's see if we can finish before the back seat. But the car might crash. I know. I know. Let's see if we can finish before the car crashes. That would heighten

the sexuality tenfold. It's also like, all right, let's pretend we have a limo. I wonder if, like, they wanted a window that you could press and the divider window

between the non-existent driver and the back seat. Chris Denman just wrote, gives new meaning to autoerotic asphyxiation. There you go. I like it. Chris can officially write headlines for the New York Post now.

Autoerotic mishap. Those two Texas boys were definitely, I mean, this is like a little like Brokeback Mountain-y. I think they're like, where can we hook up? Yeah. Where our wives won't know it. Yeah. In this Texas masculine agro culture we're in.

I got it. Let's buy one of those Teslas. Yeah. That's going to drive us. We already got thrown off the roller coaster at the local fair. We already have restraining orders from the Ferris wheel. Where can we fuck? Oh, my God.

The photo booth at the pharmacy won't let us in it anymore. Yeah, right. The Gap won't let us try on slacks no more. That's for our dressing rooms. Yeah, we've cleared out every Airbnb in the county. They're on to us. All right. All right, let's do some international news.

Also, wait. Did one of them die? I think they both died. So, listen. They both died. We're sorry about that. I guess it's a little late to say that. We're just trying to find a little levity, but poor guys.

That does suck. That is sad. I wonder why it crashed. Well, that's a question for Elon Musk, who now is going to have charges of homophobia. I do recall that one of the Tesla self-driving issues is how the Tesla reacts to the blaring flashing lights of emergency vehicles. Oh, really? Yeah. You know, I had heard a rumor.

I wonder if anyone knows this. I think it's a rumor. But that when a fire truck is flying down the street, that traffic lights have an ability to see the flashing emergency lights and change to stop, to make it green in the direction from which the emergency vehicle is coming. To, you know, hopefully, you know, help with cross traffic and limiting it and the danger of it. All right, we're going international. International. Okay. Bali, deprived of their preferred food source,

the bananas, the peanuts, and other goodies brought by tourists who are now kept away by the coronavirus. Hungry monkeys on the resort island of Bali have taken to raiding villagers' homes in the search for something tasty. Worried that the sporadic sorties will escalate into an all-out monkey assault. If no one is making that the name of their first album, all-out monkey assault. If no one is making that the name of their first album, all-out monkey assault.

But they fear that this assault on the village, the residents have been taking fruit, peanuts, and other food to the monkey forest to try to placate the primates. Quote, we are afraid that the hungry monkeys will turn wild and vicious. Jesus. Yes. afraid that the hungry monkeys will turn wild and vicious jesus yes nature is going to take back what it what it owned in the first place i know right i mean monkeys are kind of like homeless guys okay he said it i didn't they they you know they have all the capabilities they they fucking you know have hands and arms and feet and they they they get hungry might they be more capable than these homeless guys you refer to

because they are none of them are addicts that's right to drugs they're better climbers they you know and they're there's not like social services that are trying to stop them. So they can just go at it. Wow. This is a hot take on this subject, I have to say. I should have thought it out more. But really, I was in Bali for my honeymoon. You ever been there?

I didn't go there because the monkeys, I heard, don't they put on your sunblock, your suntan lotion? What? I might have that wrong. I don don't know maybe that's just since the pandemic there are a lot of um of temples and the temples all have monkeys in them and and they're sort of like protected and they can get a little aggressive for sure we didn't have any problems with it i thought it was kind of cute. I loved hanging out with monkeys. You know, you give them some treats, they come up, whatever. You're probably not, maybe you are down there, but that's the idea.

You're supposed to give them treats. Well, right, and you can see this coming as soon as the treats stop. It's kind of like putting out the bird feeder. It's like you know you just prevented that bird from doing its natural migration to warmer weather. So now you're going to have some frozen dead birds in your yard. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like your frozen homeless guy in your yard, Greg, who's as astute as a monkey, according to you. He's cute. But we've been seeing, you've seen the footage of these monkeys, very aggressive. Yeah. Because, yeah, they're around those temples and that influx of tourists has dried up and they now are desperate. Damn.

They don't know how to hunt. No. They domesticated them well no they're in cities that's the thing is like you know we were in abud which is like one of the main that might be the capital and uh you know there's it's not like they can go grab a fucking banana off a tree that doesn't exist right right um and there's a lot of them they're gonna have to kill them you think yeah they're gonna have to wait i'm down are we still talking about the homeless or yes okay they're gonna all right

they're so cute though but all right yeah um okay what else oh den's den pasar is the capital okay i had the capital wrong abud is, I think it's the art center. It's where all the artists live. Here's the cool thing about Bali is it is a, it's Hindu. And so there's a caste system and there's people that have different levels. And if you're an artist, which is considered one of the highest levels, you are taken care of by the state. And they basically, you go to Abood, which is this city full of artists. And they make amazing, like if you've been to my house, a lot of our art is from Bali.

Yep. And they just sit around all day. They're allowed to sit and gestate and think and be creative. And then they produce art. And that's just what they do. It sounds great. But imagine that in this country. You'd be like, you know, we're subsidizing and funding them,

and then all of a sudden Nine Perfect Strangers comes out and is like, I paid for this piece of fucking shit? That's what that guy was sitting there thinking about? Yeah, right, right. All right, David E. Kelly. He's amazing, obviously, but I think he's in a little bit of a mode, and he should change it up a little, which he can. He can write anything, that guy.

Yeah. All right, more international news. He had three TV shows on the air at the same time, and it's not like he was overseeing them. He was writing the scripts on three fucking network shows at the same time. And they were all high quality shows. I can't even. I've never asked Greg German about him because he did the one with the men and women.

Oh, Jesus. What was his show? Alan McBeal. He did Alan McBeal. Didn't he? Yeah. And Greg was a star in that. He was one of the stars of the show.

People don't know him. He's the guy with the glasses and the blondish hair. Oh, everyone knows his name from that show. I couldn't stand Ally McBeal, but it was like, I forget, a squeegee. I forget his fucking name. Someone, Chris, what was Greg Gurman's name in Ally McBeal? All right. Right at the bottom of the Czech Republic story.

In the Czech Republic, a family of wild boars. This article was amazing to me. I found it this morning. Czech Republic, a family of wild boars, organized a cage breakout of two piglets demonstrating high levels of intelligence and empathy. Was this a Disney movie? A wild boar carried out a daring mission to free two piglets from a trap. And it demonstrates that high intelligence and empathy. And this is in a new paper published in Scientific Reports.

The incident was documented by a team of scientists from the Czech University. Wow. That's amazing. And they're wondering, and they're looking at the age of this female boar, wild boar, led the, quote, mission. They saw how the cage was set up and that if they knocked these wooden spikes down, they could free it. And that's what they did.

And they are checking to see, might one of the piglets been a child of this mother boar that started it? That's the new thinking on it. Yeah. But this is like Animal Farm, where the pigs are the smartest, you know, and they're the first to organize and everything. And it's- You're well.

Yeah. But if they're that smart, do you think pigs have meetings like, uh, okay guys, we got a problem. Uh, we are too fucking delicious and it might be the end of us. Quite honestly, our fatal flaw. You know what we should do? Let's roll around in shit and mud. Let's try to, let's try to camouflage our deliciousness a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, I'm surprised that hasn't worked. Because you look at a pig, you're like, I'm not eating that. Yeah, right, right. No, it's really like being a porn star. Like everybody, you know, they know they want you. Everybody, you know, they know they want you. Okay. Your comparisons today, the monkeys to the homeless people, the wild boars to porn stars. To porn stars. You know they're delicious. Oh, is that what it is?

Yeah. You know, you objectify a boar. You just think about the ham. You don't think about the person. I don't know. I don't know, Greg, though, if I'd eat bacon if I knew herpes could break out on my lips. Well, there's a lot of disease that come out with pork.

How delicious is it? It's the most dangerous meat. You're not supposed to handle it. Yeah. By the way, can we no longer call a selfish person a boar now that we know this? It's a pretty selfless act. Like you call people a deer.

Oh, he's a deer. Yeah. He's gentle. He just nibbles. He's pretty. Look at that pig. From now on, it's like when somebody does something nice, you go, oh, he's a boar. I gotcha.

Is Chris still looking up this? Yeah. Richard Fish from Ally McBeal Oh where did he put it It's up above the check story I told him to put it below it Fish everyone knew him as Fish We're supposed to go to the beach with him on Monday

You gonna come to the beach with us We're having a little neighborhood beach day When? Monday I wasn't invited Well I'm inviting you right now uh that's not an invite well that's like a by the way no well we were inviting just the neighbors but you're part of that group even though you don't live in our direct neighborhood i lived there remember i

lived in malloy's after the divorce oh that's right that's right cleaned up all of ginsburg shit another dead dog. All right. Here we go to sports. This is your story, pal, because you follow Asian chicks. All right. After losing the third round at the U.S. Open on Friday night, by the way, This is your story, pal, because you follow Asian chicks. All right.

After losing the third round at the U.S. Open on Friday night, by the way, to an 18-year-old who was unseated, a tearful Naomi Osaka said she wasn't sure when she will play in a competitive tennis match again and is taking an indefinite break from the sport. Wow. So she said, quote, I feel like for me— A sore loser? Go ahead. I feel like me recently, like when I win, I don't feel happy. I feel more like a relief.

And then when I lose, I feel very sad. I don't think that's normal. Osaka 23 began to cry, and the moderator attempted to end the media session, but she said she wanted to continue. If you remember, she had a problem with the press and didn't like doing interviews. So that was actually very sweet that the moderator was watching out for her feelings during this. And then Osaka talked for another 40 minutes about her feelings. And everyone's like, maybe we shouldn't interview her anymore. Maybe that's Osaka's strategy.

I am going to talk you out. How about that? Yeah, right. So don't interrupt. Did you ask a question? Don't interrupt. This is going to be 53 minutes. No, she did a documentary,

which was essentially this for 90 minutes. It was an examination of her mental state. And you came out of the documentary feeling like she had kind of not conquered it, but was in control of it but she clearly is not in a place emotionally to deal with the high stakes of competitive tennis right now and it's a shame because you know look i have depression i've had lifelong depression and i've dealt with it and there is a stigma that you can even put on yourself when you start to think

about yourself having a mental illness. Right. And you and on one hand, you're trying to be gentle to yourself because you need to do that. You need a lot of people don't know that, though. Right. So she's trying to be gentle to herself and the world loves her playing tennis so they are you know passively working against her taking this time but at the same time you say is she doing a disservice to herself to not just step up and learn to deal with this pressure and do what you know all tennis players do which is you know shut down their emotions or or deal with their emotions on a level that they can play competitive tennis. So it's tough. Once you identify yourself as having mental illness, does it give that mental illness more traction?

Absolutely. Yeah. I say that as somebody who has a mental illness and that I sometimes think, God, have I been consumed by it too much? And I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on it. But then there's times where I don't. You know, you go back and forth. And really the thing to do, though, is what she's doing, which is just say, hey, I need some fucking space. I need to go all the way down with this. I need to examine it. I need to get some support. And then I'll come back and see if I can handle this because your, your happiness is everything. Totally.

You had one fortunate quality though, with your depression is you never became number one at anything. So that didn't complicate issues. I'm number one on Sunday papers. I think you are. number one on Sunday papers. I think you are. I'm not bringing it today, but let me tell you. All right. I remember vividly, I mean, the biggest, one of the biggest stories in sports, and it was bigger than usual, the tennis story, which was McEnroe Borg. And McEnroe's drive is this unbelievably naturally gifted, you know, kid out of Long Island played for Stanford, went to Stanford for a few months, but then had a GoPro. So anyway, he, that, that, that's an identity. That's a drive and it's to be number one, number one, number one. And I remember, I think I read an article about it, but he had a really hard time when he became number one.

He had a really hard time when he became number one. Yeah. And a lot of athletes talk about that. Boxers, I'm sure. And a lot of people, like when it changes everything because you're no longer under this ceiling of like you, you now are the ceiling. And so, and it's an identity shift. And I remember, you know, there's a very good documentary, Borg, actually the documentary, I don't know, but the subject matter is amazing about Borg McEnroe.

And that was who was chasing. And then you thought there were more, you know, these real enemies. And when Borg retired, McEnroe couldn't believe it. And McEnroe kind of spiraled. Yeah, I remember that. Yep. believe it and mackinrow kind of spiraled yeah i remember that yep and osaka has to find another identity no matter what but she has to find another identity in tennis if she wants to keep playing now a lot of people can somehow find joy which it sounds like she's hardly ever experienced. Maybe it was. And she says,

it's no longer bringing her joy. You have to reframe tennis. Tennis is no longer going to be that pursuit of number one. You did that. And, um, and I think it's, you know,

you have that drive and how do you get joy out of the doing? How do you get joy out of the playing and just experiencing it and you know that's why these people like Djokovic now it's like it's the drive for numbers you wonder why they're so obsessed with like 19 grand slam title whatever it is because they need a new goal yeah yeah I think it's hard like the documentary showed her mother and father being very tough on her. She spent her entire childhood on a tennis court and just nonstop. Right. And during her birthday party, she said, she literally said, is what I've done enough yet? Right.

To her parents. It was a really sad moment. Yeah. Yeah. To her parents. It was a really sad moment. Yeah. Yeah.

So, anyway, it's also in sports. The NFL season starts next week. We're going to have to come up with a bet because last year, what was the bet we had last year? Gregory, I'm pitching you. We do the same bet. Okay, same bet. The last year, the bet was I had Tampa Bay in every single game of the season and with points. Yes, with the spread. With the spread, which is really an unfair bet.

But I took it and I won. How much did I win off you? 400 bucks? I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I think I won 400 bucks off you. All right, hold on. Why do you think betting with the spread is an unfair bet? The idea is it makes it a 50-50 proposition.

Right. No, that's true. Okay. But last year was an unfair bet because Brady was a brand-new quarterback to that team. That team wasn't strong to begin with. Oh, and then the linesmakers don't take that into consideration? I know, but if I had played you flat out,

I would have won so much more, and I regret that. There's no flat out. Why would I take a bet where you're favored, and I'll be like, oh, yeah, I'll just bet the other team wins. No one would do that. So listen, my strategy was everybody is so in love with goddamn Tom Brady that when they're like, who's going to win?

So what is it this week? It's Buccaneers at Dallas at Buccaneers. Right now the line is seven and a half. You take Buccaneers, they're favored by seven and a half. So you have to give me seven and a half points. Now, my theory was when that bet comes out, everybody is making this emotional thing like, oh my God, Brady's going to win. So they bet on Tampa Bay.

So what happens is when that side of the bet gets a lot of action, Vegas has to give away more points to try to get an equal amount of money on the other side of that bet. So my theory was there's such an influx of people betting on Tampa Bay that it will be an artificially inflated spread. That was your theory last year, and how'd that work out? I lost $400. Yeah.

Yeah, because I'm smarter than everybody else is. Sometimes that happens to me. No, because you bet everything short. You bet the stock market short. You bet the housing market short. You didn't buy a house again because you thought it was going to come down. Oh, God. Are we reviewing my finance?

You're a glasses half full guy. I am contrarian, but I like betting the under is the most miserable bet in sports. So my thinking is more people bet the over, which then they have to raise that over-under number. And I guess I'm wrong. So you always bet the under? How am I wrong about that? God damn it. All right.

So this year we're going to do the same bet. We're going to play Tampa Bay with points every week. What do we do? $50 a week? I think we did. Yeah, $50 a week. And then we're going to come up last year. By the way, I should mention.

That's amazing I owed you $400. I mean, that's crazy. Plus, I think I won another $100 because I think I bet. I predicted before last year started. Oh, we went double or nothing. Sorry, we went double or nothing on the last game. Okay. Also, I was in a football pool last year. It was a single elimination suicide pool. There were about 40 people in it, and I won that last year. I split it with two other people, so I won it.

Well, lucky you gave a lot of that money back to Gubbins. Or not back to, but you gave it to Gubbins yesterday. That hurt. Yeah. Are we moving on to science let's do some science don't do it don't do it we're gonna lose our ads even though you've been so dirty already that we're we already lost our ads science cats are falling ill with life-threatening stress meow i laugh at cats who are struggling as owners spend longer at uh spend longer time at home and damage the felines daily regimens is that a regimen is is sitting on the back of a couch licking your own vagina a regimen? That's what the artists do in Bali, apparently, and they get paid for it.

Vets have found that our work-from-home habits are causing cats to develop a range of dangerous conditions, all of which are linked to stress. They have seen a notable increase in conditions like blocked bladders in male cats, as well as cystitis in both male and female cats over the past 18 months. Dogs do not suffer from the same stress, but now they're suffering from stress when their owners are going back to work. Because the dogs have loved this.

Yeah. Dogs actually like their owners. Cats, who knows what cats are doing when we're out. But clearly, you know, they don't want us to be a part of it. They don't need us. I wonder if this happens during lesbian breakups when they're home more. I'm sure the strife. But let's go back to that Nextdoor app.

Like, is anybody's cat? Yeah. I'm home more, but it seems to's go back to that next door app like is anybody's cat yeah i'm home more but it seems to be ignoring me did you ever have a cat no my uncle uncle johnny uh in the bronx steam fitter said the word bathroom uh uncle johnny who you knew very well had a three-legged cat that he named tripod which was pretty original at the time. This is the 1970s. Brian Van Horn had a three legged cat named tripod. Not before uncle John.

So, and, uh, when he would leave, this is how much he knew who a cat was when he would like come out. Like when my, and my dad was his brother, when we would like go with uncle Johnny on vacations and all that,

he would, um, open the toilet seat and then just put cat food all around the floor of the bathroom. And that was its water and food. And Tripod loved it. Was it the same toilet he used or was that specifically for Tripod? It was a one-bathroom apartment. It was a one-bathroom apartment. apartment, a bathroom. It was one bathroom apartment. So he also had to come home and go to the hospital because that's where Tripod was because Tripod would watch, sit on the open window and watch pigeons fly by. And sometimes they were a little too tempting. And one time it jumped out

at the pigeons. And luckily he had one of those awnings in front of his apartment. And it bounced off the awning and then onto the sidewalk. But it still was hurt. But lived. It survived. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's with three legs he did that.

All right. One more quick cat story in my family. Yeah, yeah, with three legs. Tripod, by the way, lived to the oldest age ever. He also got another cat. But eventually, he was traveling. Whatever it was by the way, lived to the oldest age ever. He also got another cat, but eventually he was traveling, whatever it was, his job. He gave it to my grandmother. My grandmother fell in love with the cat. That cat, I guess we're not that great.

We're very descriptive names. That cat's name was Blackie. So Blackie. Which your uncle also said a lot. Not talking about cats. So Blackie died. Not talking about cats. So Blackie died.

And so my grandmother said, I want you to take this up to Mike, my dad's house in the country where my grandma would come up there a lot. And I want you to bury it by that tree at the end of the driveway. And Uncle John said, sure thing, sure thing, Ma. So Uncle John took the cat and then threw it in a dumpster down the street. Right. True story. Like didn't didn't have a cremator. I like like. But we we we imagine it was like a clang when he threw the stiff cat in the dumpster. But this is the saddest part of all. For the next five or six years, however long my grandmother lived, whenever she came up to our house out in the country,

she would get out of the car and we're all walking in the house and carrying her bags. She would walk to the end of the driveway and give the sign of the cross towards the tree. And we're like, we're like, uh, grandma, the dumpsters behind you about 60 miles. Uncle John crossed himself when he went past the dumpster each time? I think we all had to. Like, no, no, let her say, let her give her respects to that tree that has no cat near it. Yep. Yeah. Meanwhile, my dogs are 15 years old and they will not die. They refuse to let go. And they will not die. They refuse to let go. And so my little white one, which is a shih tzu, is blind, deaf.

When I say blind, like walks into walls. Yeah. And deaf, can't hear you from 10 feet away. I put a treat in front of her face. She can't even smell it. And now she's got dementia. So she, like last night, I walked her outside to take a piss. And she pissed. And then she just walked into the street she, like last night, I walked her outside to take a piss, and she pissed. And then she just walked into the street, just crossed the street and started walking.

I'm like, where the fuck are you going? Like that's, you've never done that. In 15 years, she's never done that. So I hope for her sake that the end is near because I don't think she's very happy right now now she just barks and kind of moans a lot give her to dennis oh too soon uh all right so we're i'm losing my voice we're at an hour let's cut down to this day in history all right you ready Here we got a section, new section. All right, and I don't even think we have to do a lot with this. I just want to read it because it's a great story.

In 1991, AIDS activists, on a Sunday morning in Washington, D.C., a group of activists arrived at the home of North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms. Using ladders, several of them climb to the roof of the house, and from there they unfurl a giant piece of fabric, which is then inflated by their comrades on the front lawn. Soon the senator's home is surrounded by a giant yellow condom reading, A Condom to Stop Unsafe Politics, Helms is Deadlier than a Virus. A decidedly unsubtle response to Helms

Vehement opposition to gay rights And to funding AIDS research And treatment How fucking great is that Wow well keep in mind This is in the time Ronald Reagan The president of the United States Didn't say the word AIDS

Which was Slaughtering so many Americans. He refused to say it. And he had a gay son. Yes, Ron. That's right. Ron Jr. He also, Jesse Helms considered homosexuals, quote, weak and morally sick and believed

That's not all of them. And believed that any legislation aimed at learning more about HIV AIDS was developing treatments for the disease was tantamount to enabling the homosexual lifestyle. And that's a lifestyle of fornicating in the backseat of a self-driving automobile. That's right. They would have died anyway. If they didn't die in the crash, they would have died from the bug. If they didn't die in the crash, they would have died from the bug. So anyway, I just think that's such a fucking great move, putting a condom over his house.

That is very cool. And he couldn't get out. Like, he couldn't get out of the house. He had to wait for the fucking city officials to come and cut him out. He had to wait until his house broke the condom because it was having such rigorous sex. Let's go to, let's do a couple letters to the editor and then we'll land this baby.

Here we go. Paper crinkle. Okay. Okay. Joanne says, I seem to really have a crush on these guys. Glad she's hanging in with it.

I love it too. You know what? That's a nice constant in this ever Glad she's hanging in with it. I love it too. You know what? That's a nice constant in this ever-changing world. That's right. This first one is pretty long, so I'm going to wait on that one and go to Robert Corey, who just randomly asked,

the first time either of you two took a girl out, how did it go? Do you remember the first time you took a girl out, Mike? Um, I don't, I mean, I don't know. I guess it's kind of blurry because sometimes it wasn't like, this is a date were seven, 16, 17, 17, maybe 16. And we went to a restaurant and ordered just a gin and tonics. And in New York, they served you and we had a lot and she passed out. So that was the, so that was the first time I had sex. I'm kidding.

Come on guys. It it's it come on now did i get canceled my first date because i was like you i had hung with girls um not as much as me you had a heat seeker in you that i was too shy about yeah I was very sexually active. And me and my friend, Sneaky Pete Cars, were in White Plains. And we met these two girls in the gallery. Remember the Galleria Shopping Mall? Of course. Yeah.

One of the first, the first mall in our experience. It was. And teenagers from all over Westchester would take their bus. I'd take the number 13 bus. I took buses there. And you'd go from there. And there was a head shop. I forget what it was called, but you could buy your pipes and your bongs and all that stuff there.

Posters of like Heather, what's her name? And also like just girls in bikinis. Yep. Yep. And so we met these two girls girls and they were from another town. I can't remember what town they were from, but they were kind of like Italian, big haired girls.

Probably just her where I was from. So we met them and we said, do you want to go to a movie next weekend? And so it was like a date and we met them and, uh, we went to the movie theater and uh we hadn't picked one out yet and the title of one of the movies was making love and it was starting in 10 minutes we go let's do it so we go in and i don't know if you remember this particular film i have no recall of it it was an al pacino movie about cruising no that's called cruising oh wait it was cruising well make making

like it was another it was a gay movie it was another gay movie okay so me and pete were in there and we had just smoked a joint before we met the girls and so we were sitting there with them and it was like just gay scene after gazing and so p and I said, we have to go to the bathroom. And we just left. We just, we left. And had sex in the handicap stall. And we took, yeah, we took a taxi home and had sex in the back seat. You just left them in there. You want to know the crazy part is sneaky Pete turned out to be gay.

Well, hence the name. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Chris, will you look up Making Love and see what that movie is? I'm changing my name back to Fully Realized Pete. And then we got, let's see let's skip that one and let's go to uh jason davis a couple shows ago mike mentioned how incredible 88.5 fm in southern california kcsn is it's the best radio station that has ever existed. I literally listen to it

night and day, 10 hours a day. I worked in radio for 22 years and they are hands down the greatest. Please encourage people to listen to them on their website, 885fm.org, or by asking Amazon Alexa to play KCSN on iHeartRadio or iTunes. Okay. I'm so glad this guy wrote in. I was having a mental sort of fart last week. It is my favorite station. The day I found it, I immediately called and gave money.

It is like, so KCRW is really famous out here. It's at Santa Monica College. And that, you know, has Morning becomes eclectic and all that. I think the original guy that created morning becomes eclectic. I think he created it, but that guy Nick Harcourt is now he left KCRW. He's at 88.5. His morning show will introduce you to the newest music, but not only that very often. It's amazing. You'll hear this new song and you'll be like, Oh, I really like this from this new band. And then the next song will be this like obscure David Bowie song. And you're like, Oh man, I see what he's doing. There are such influences from that song in this new song. Like it's just the most thoughtful and truly eclectic show for music.

So anyway, 88.5, it's like KCRW, but zero commercials, zero news. It's just music. The DJs are so great. And next week I'll call up a playlist like from 88.5. It's truly incredible how varied and eclectic the music is. You know, we used to text each other. There was a bunch of us that would text like a song that was on at the time.

We'd take a picture of the song that was on. I just got a post here from Chris who says, Making Love was 1982. Yeah, so I would have been like 15 or 16 years old. A successful young LA doctor and his equally successful television producer producer wife find their happily ever after life torn asunder when he suddenly confronts his long repressed attraction for other men. Yeah,

that was it. Let's see. Howdy, Greg. Some quick feedback about Sunday papers. Been listening since you got started on the podcast. Really enjoying it. When you guys riff on silly topics, it's the best. Being honest, I get you listening, Mike? No. You listening, Mike? No. Being honest, I get pretty turned off when hot topics like COVID and politics get brought up. When either of you get into rant mode along these lines, I just fast forward the shit until you're talking about something funny again.

Well, that is something we, you know, battle with on this show because it is ostensibly a comedy show. ostensibly a comedy show. But Mike and I are also guys that have strong feelings about politics. We try to keep it out of the podcast as much as we can. I think Mike sometimes goes a little overboard with his liberal bullshit. Is this Greg talking now or is this? Well, I'm kind of with him. I'm kind of with him.

Well, remember when I got accused of being right wing? That's true. You do get that sometimes. Because I try to be fair minded about things. I know, but I think people just they just group racism with right wing. It's weird. What I have found, though, is both sides can really be like surprisingly sensitive for comedy fans. That's what surprises me. Like, so you're not hearing it the way you'd want, or, I mean, some are just saying,

Hey, there's enough of that out there in other places. Don't go there. But it's like, we don't spend that much time on it. And if like, if I'm listening to someone who I think is funny and then they went into something that they think is interesting and it's not that long I don't know if I'd write a complete like a Karen letter about it yeah it seems to be that everybody's got everybody has to fucking weigh in this guy Mark said I stopped watching the news because I can't tolerate so much partisan hate speech but fortunately I came across your show through the Joe Rogan experience. Sunday papers. Nice. I can get a comedy view of the news. But listening to your recent show, I find that your partner garners as much hate as the cable news networks do. He said, fuck Governor DeSantis. Well, I'll say it too. Fuck Governor DeSantis. Okay. I don't like many politicians either, but then he says he hates Republicans. OK, so wait. All right. I this. Listen, if I did, I'm surprised.

Can can he find how about this next week if you're still listening next week? Find where I said I hate Republicans. Yeah, I don't think you ever said you hate Republicans. I think this guy heard that. Well, it's very like, you know, no way you said that. Remember all I mean, if if no i might have slipped but i mean that's not my view usually in fact if anything i've been like where are the old school republicans who would like hate this new direction this extremism anyway it sounds a little like remember all the years we listen to harvard stern where harvard stern's like that is not at

all what like people would just like you know blanket criticize stern as these boys like find where i said that i'd never said that right um and then uh somebody else said consider you know we we had talked about we're gonna have mugs for christmas this year and uh i sent mike uh a bunch of uh logos that we've used since the show started. He was supposed to go through them and send me his favorites. He did not. But once he does, we're going to post those on the website. You guys are going to pick your favorites and we're going to put out. This guy says, consider differentiating by offering giant mugs. I'd buy more than one. What's a giant mug? Bigger ones? I don't know.

But I think also maybe we'll offer more than one version of the mug. Maybe we'll do like two or three different logos on the mugs. But you guys will vote and they'll be on sale. We're looking at late October. Oh, all right. A deadline. That's what I need. Obituaries. And that alright, a deadline. I can, that's what I need. Obituaries.

And that's all, folks. Real quick, we missed it last week because this happened on Sunday, on last week's Sunday's Papers. Ed Asner, the actor who rose to fame playing cranky newsman Lou Grant on the Mary Tyler Moore show from 1970 to 77, and had later voice acting fame in 2009's Up.

When he began playing Lou Grant in the Mary Tyler Moore show, he gave the character the perfect blend of cranky gruffiness and underlying kindheartedness. Just what we were talking about before. His character was spun off into his own show, Lou Grant's. And he won five Emmy Awards for playing Lou Grant across the two series. Wow. Yeah, he did a drama. I don't think anybody else

has won an Emmy for a drama and a comedy. In addition to two other Emmys for the miniseries Rich Man, Poor Man and Roots, making him the most honored male performer in Emmy Awards history.

Huh. He was also in Elf, remember? Of course. Yeah. He's the most honored male performer in Emmy Awards history? Yeah. At that time or still? I think still.

Why? Who do you think would win more Emmys than him? I'd have to give it some thought. I don't know. There's no like Meryl Streep of male TV actors out there. I think, what's his name? I mean, Frazier? I was just thinking of that name.

Yeah. Yeah, I think he might be. Kelsey Grammer. Because he might have won one on Cheers and then won one on. I don't think he won on. I don't think he won on Cheers. Yeah. But that show was an Emmy darling.

It got nominated every year. Oh, I know. The interesting thing about that show is it just structurally was different in the sense that the two lead characters, the brothers, were not opposites at all. They were kind of the same guy. I know. With different shadings. I know.

And the dad was the juxtaposition. Right. No, Frazier was so smart. It was really great. Chris down here says- It's a spinoff. Julie Louise Dreyfuss has won eight. Cloris Leachman has won eight.

I would say Julia Louise Dreyfuss in my mind is the most accomplished television actor of all time. Oh, he put John Lithgow one six. Lithgow is a monster, man. He is so, so

talented. Sorry, so, so talented. Sorry, my voice is cracking. I think Third Rock from the Sun was bad for him because it really typecast him. And he was much more than that character. Oh my God, Waiting for Garp? Oh, Willard Scott just died. World According to Garp,

Waiting for Garp, Waiting for Guffman. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. For three decades, he forecast the weather on the Today Show. Wow, 65 years at NBC. Most famous for his shout-outs for people turning 100 years old. Oh, right, right.

Yeah. I wonder how old he was. I mean, that guy, yeah, I mean, 65-year career, he can't be less than 90. He was 87. He was definitely less than 90. See, bet the under. Okay.

Are we getting to the funnies? Let's get to the funnies. Okay. Okay. Let's get to the funnies. Okay. Okay, so just Hager the Horrible was on point this week. Once again, Sunday Papers. Surprising when you open it up and it's got the colors and the drawings

and that's where the kids are going to go, that here's the cartoon Hager the Horrible presents. It is Hager with his dog, who's also got a funny helmet on with the horns. And Hager says Snert is a hunting dog. And this other gentleman says, does he chase rabbits? Next frame is the dog with little hearts over his head and his tongue hanging out,

chasing a rabbit that looks petrified. And he says, yes, but for all the wrong reasons. Yeah. He's going to rape a rabbit. And if you're thinking, how do you know he's going to rape the rabbit? Maybe that's not the wrong reason. The artist put hearts all over the dog's head and the wide eyed dog is chasing it in a fit of lust.

And then the rabbit is not staring at its tail yeah yeah the the the ass is right in the dog's face and the rabbit looks like he he he's gonna be raped or she i guess it's a she i think uh for yeah let's keep it clean let's make it a she what about remember peppy lepew remember what a fucking rape job that guy was pepe lepew's been canceled oh was he canceled yeah yeah then they try to cancel did you hear they try to cancel uh speedy gonzalez but the mexican community said don't oh good yeah it's a fucking. Lockhorns are on fire this week. Leroy is dancing. And Loretta says, you dance as if I'm your opponent. That is so funny.

Like a wrestling match. That is a really good line. And then the next one is Loretta is looking at the credit card bill, and she goes, I've run the numbers today, Leroy. It's time to run. And then finally, Leroy is standing on a scale, and Loretta says, still wondering where all the grocery money goes? You want to do a little family circus?

Oh, boy, do I. I just forgot to put it in the document until, you know, basically when our show started. And, oh, man, if we had missed this gem. So, you know, this little obnoxious redheaded kid is sitting there in his chair and he's screaming, Billy, it's Billy, his disappointed face. And he's like, mommy, he's eating a big, like big slice of watermelon. He's like, mommy,

I swallowed a watermelon seed dash. Will a watermelon grow inside me? will a watermelon grow inside me so that's what tons of kids ask about oranges lemons limes about anything that has a seed seeds grow so when the seed goes in someplace you wonder if it's going to grow and this guy decided to put that old chestnut in a newspaper. In a syndicated, actually he syndicated it to. Tens of millions of people will waste 15 seconds reading this fucking piece of shit. And by the way, how about the artwork? Have you ever seen those colors on a watermelon?

It's like purple. With a lime green shell. Yeah, it almost looks like the coloring of a fig, like a really dark fig with a really dark red inside. Yeah. Anyway, shut up, you little kid. Just spit the watermelon seeds like everybody else. All right, I can't.

Here's Asshole Dagwood coming home from work with his briefcase. And my mommy's response, unfortunately, your dad's seed did grow inside of me. Ah, there it is. There, finally. I had to wake up. All right, go ahead. Here we go. Finally, Dagwood walks in with his fucking briefcase filled with who knows what because he doesn't do shit at work.

Blondie's got on a fucking, like a Kelly Green dress. Her hair is done just right. She's got on light blue shoes. And we really work in some spring colors. And she says, don't take off your jacket. We're going out for dinner. And he goes,

is this a special occasion? She goes, yeah. The cook has the night off. You fucking piece of shit. And he's disappointed. Yeah, yeah. He looks like he's put upon that she's not standing at the stove like some fucking slave stirring up a stew for him.

The cook has the night off. Yeah, Dagwood, you know what? You're the one that should be walking in the door and saying, hey, sweetie, you don't have to cook tonight. Let's take you out. Look at you. Let's celebrate my good fortune by treating you like the fucking goddess that you are. I'm taking you to the best restaurant in town. We're going to get appetizers, desserts.

You want wine? You got fucking wine. Look at me and look at you. Poor thing. I like she stood up for herself. I'm just sick that she has to. It's week after week she's standing up for herself. Yeah.

God. Alright, well listen. We want to remind you guys if you want to get the nicotine in you in the best possible way yeah we say go to lucy.co put in promo code papers and get yourself 20 off your first order of lucy slim pouches also don't forget got some tour dates coming up to FitzDawg.com for details. Live at the Sacramento Punchline, 918 at 4 p.m. Come check out that.

Mike, anything you want to promote? Pen 15, I guess. I don't know. Pen 15, yeah. Check it out. Don't forget to watch Pen 15. It's kind of just there. It's not talked about as much as it should be,

but it's something that needs to get watched. Yeah. What else? Oh, shout out to Dennis. Hope he's doing well. That's a life changer. Like, he lives alone, and now it's definitely more alone. Yeah.

So, ladies, if any ladies live in the Los Angeles area and want to go on a date with a guy who can get you a vaccine in front of minorities. Didn't I hear you hooking him up with a date on the golf course yesterday? That was a thought I had. It never came to fruition. He's not ready. He wasn't ready yet. I think he's ready now.

It's been 24 hours. But he's such a nice guy We want to get this guy, you know So what happened? Did you guys go to the beach last night? Yeah, his aunt and uncle are still in town And a bunch of friends And we went out there to watch Sunset

You know, which he would be out on the beach a lot with his dog Oh, nice Yeah, so it was really nice And then we walked over to Main Street And all went to Lula's restaurant And had way too much Mexican food. Did he pay for it? No, I didn't let him.

Wow. Yeah. What a guy. Yeah. All right. What a guy that let me pay, you mean? Yeah. After winning your money?

Oh, he took so much money from me. Not just me, but there were four of us, and he made a lot of fucking money. Jesus Christ. Thank you to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops and Key, who do an amazing job week in and week out. Yep. Weeky out. And we'll catch you guys next week.

All righty. Take it, Aish. Take it, Aish. Take it, Aish. Sunday Day Boys, Greg and Mike. Right between the eyes like a lightning strike. Sunday papers, Mike and Greg. It makes me so happy in my little leg.

Sunday papers. Read all about it. Well, Sunday papers take it easy