Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 80 9/12/21

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

Comedians in the news this week: John Mulaney, Patton Oswalt, Steve Martin, and some shit Greg talked about Marc Maron that we edited out. Texas promises to stop ALL rape and a Florida Man story that hits the trifecta: nudity, drunkenness and police activity. Oh yeah, and a golf cart.

SORTIE PAPERS! SORTIE PAPERS PROCAST! SUCKER! BOOST! Holy fuck. That's what it used to be in the old days. Check, check, check, check. Here we go.

What you going to scream today? Read all about it! Don't! Read all about it! Hot off the presses. People are taking off their masks. They're taking off their condoms. They're taking off the facade that is capitalist America.

Read all about it! That's not... Is this what I signed up for? You know, gracefully, is that a word? Your audio seemed to cut out. It seemed like hit a ceiling, like a limit. Yeah, I think the- I like that. No, that's a good thing.

Yeah, there's a governor. There's a governor. Governor. Governor. Governor. Remember when they would like U-Hauls, we'd rent U-Hauls to like move in college stuff and they had a governor.

You could go like 55 max or whatever it was. And people were like, I know how to take that off. I was just talking to Chris Denman before the show about how we both worked at golf courses. And there was always like a couple of the golf carts that had the governors removed. So they would go like 35 miles an hour. And it is against all logic that i'm not a quadriplegic right now because i flipped so many fucking golf carts driving through the woods at 35 miles an hour tearing up the fucking grass like a nut you'd

be a basket case did i ever tell you that the origin of that term So for that project, I think I might have talked about it before. Anyway, very briefly, a basket case was first coined when in the field of battle, when medics were running around, like we have two baskets, meaning you need a basket to go get that guy. Because he's dead? No, he can't. None of his limbs are working. Oh.

And there may be parts. You would put him in a basket. Wow. Yeah, so it's not a great term. We buried Aaron's dad in a basket. Okay. Here we are. Happy Sunday, everybody.

Well, it's 9-11. No, well, they just got over 9-11, these listeners. Oh, right. You're listening on 9-11. You're listening on 9-12, but we're recording it on 9-11. No, well, they just got over 9-11, these listeners. Oh, right. You're listening on 9-11. You're listening on 9-12, but we're recording it on 9-11, so we're going to do it with the spirit of 9-11. Okay. Here's my 9-11 joke that I told a week after it happened, and I got a ton of shit, but

I continue telling it anyway. I imagine. I said, do you remember this? Like in New York after 9-11, they stopped allowing cars to drive to the airport. No private cars. Yeah. Well, I wasn't in New York, but yes. You could only take taxis because what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis to drive there?

Wow. I don't think you should have even told that joke today, but I guess never forget a bad joke, right? So this is what I posted. This is my 9-11 post this morning. So here's my 9-11. How do I? Maybe I take a picture of it.

There we go. I take a picture of it. All right. I posted this this morning. Since everyone is sharing 9-11 stories, dot, dot, dot. A few weeks after I'm talking to Fred, this is true, by the way, it was at Zach Galifianakis, as I remember, backyard. And it was one of the first times that for me anyway, that people got together after 9-11. A few weeks after I'm talking to Fred Armisen at a small gathering, we don't know each other well, and it was awkward trying to talk about it. Fred then seemed to get sad and said, it's just been hard for me because my parents had a weekend house on top of tower two. my parents had a weekend house on top of tower two. The context is so important. We don't even know. I mean, he knows me.

I obviously know him, but he does know me and he knows I'm in the funny business and all that anyway. But it was truly awkward before that. Like, in other words, that was his escape valve in a way. But yeah, it was really funny. Well, I remember Louis had a joke, and I can't remember if he even did it on stage or he talked about going to do it. I'll say he goes, you know, you can measure a man's humanity by how long it took him to masturbate after 9-11. I jerked off in between the falling of the first and second towers. Oh, he did that live. He did?

Oh, yes. But I mean, he did it like a week after. Oh, I know. It was. I remember him telling me that like a week after. Hey, I read something today. So I saw this. was i remember him telling me that like a week after uh hey i read something today did you so i saw this uh the release of the strokes hold on a minute landmark debut album is this it

was anything but smooth but once it blah blah blah after a staggered international release of the album beginning in august 2001 is this it was set to arrive in the United States on September 11 on vinyl and September 25 on the then more popular CD format. For the U.S. release, the cover artwork was changed from a woman's naked hip and rear end to the less risque image of subatomic particle tracks. While the vinyl did come out on September 11th as planned,

that day's horrific terrorist attacks forced the New York band and its label to rethink the release of the CD. The scathing tune New York City Cops was dropped from the track list of the CD version in the wake of the heroic actions of police officers on 9-11. The band swapped in the newly recorded when it started and the label delayed the CD release until October 9th. But imagine you're a band sitting back. You've just absolutely torn the shit out of New York City cops. Yeah. And it's coming out September 11th. And then you see you see the like unbelievable up, you know, swelling of emotion and gratitude towards New York City police and all you know, all the first responders on 9-11. You must I mean, they must have shit themselves.

Yeah, yeah, there's a documentary out. I want to see see it and it's about comedians and how they reacted to 9-11 and um you know janine garofalo obviously in the in the in the time in the in a couple years afterwards became such a fucking target of fox news and other people because she was saying that the i the iraq war was you know unconstitutional and ill-founded and misguided and i mean she was hated she was destroyed and guess what just like the fucking anti-vietnam marchers in the late 60s she was 100 right and you wonder was she vindicated for that? Like, is she restored from that in light of how we see how things turned out, like the fact that that war created Al Qaeda? Oh, no. I mean, we're dealing. Yeah. I mean, 9-11, obviously, I have many reactions to it still today. And I'm a New Yorker and everything. I was not in New York at the time. But one of my, I have to say, and shame on me, I guess,

but one of my first absolute gut reactions to 9-11, and especially on an anniversary of this, is just seething hatred. I'm just reminded how much I hated george bush uh that was such an opportunity this country for the most for the most i shouldn't say that this country uh like never before maybe was pretty goddamn unified i mean we were that concert in mad Square Garden, you know, with the firemen taking the stage and everybody like that was amazing. And we could have said, well, time out. What is our relationship with Saudi Arabia? What are we doing?

Right. Sorry, it's over. Also, we're going electric cars. I remember seeing Bill Clinton was I'm going to tell two Bill Clinton things, and neither one are because I'm like a giant fan, okay? So just don't shut it off if you're a pussy right winger right now. So he was on Letterman, and one of the things he said is, you know, people think I'm crazy. I just spoke in the Middle East, and I said to them, I go, you guys should realize that this is the top of the

curve for you guys. You guys have owned fossil fuels. This is Clinton saying this? Clinton, on Letterman's first show back. Okay. And Letterman was the first show that came back. And we, I was in late night. I worked for Letterman. I was the show after on Kilbourne and all of us watched like, how do you come back? And so he told an amazing story about the fire department in Montana and how they are barely making ends meet yet. They had a fundraiser to send a fireman in New York city. And it was really a great story and understated. And, and anyway, Clinton on, um Clinton on Letterman said, and I told them, you guys should realize that you're at the top of the bounce here and you've owned it and gotten so rich because the whole world is dependent on you for fossil fuels. You should now buy up land around the equator

and you should be putting in solar energy technology and you will own the next one. And he goes, I was laughed out of the room. Yeah. And, but that's what America also could have been like. We should instead, we have so missed the fucking, uh, but I also attack the right country. I I'm, I I'm still livid and we're, and we're, and people are dying still today, today, this day, still dying because we went into Iraq and Afghanistan. My my memory of 9-11 was it was brutal because my mom was flying out from New York to come see us in L.A. Owen was almost a year old and she was coming out to see him and us. And she was supposed to be on a flight leaving out of JFK around 8.30 or 9 in the morning on 9-11.

And I didn't know what the fuck happened if she was on one of the planes. I was trying to call her. Cell phone service was not working. It was overloaded. I didn't know for like two hours whether she was on one of the planes. Wow. And so she basically was on the plane. Turns out the plane was leaving at 9 a.m. And I think that I think the planes hit the towers just before nine.

And I forget it was early in L.A. when I was woken up by phone calls. Yeah, Bill Clark called me and told me about it. My mother-in-law called us. All right, so Bill Clark called you. You turned on your TV? Yeah, I was up with Owen because he was so young.

I used to do the morning shift with him. And he called and said, turn on the TV. And at that point, one tower had been hit, not the second one yet. Sorry, Owen, we're going to switch from Caillou to just a little news. It's no big deal. It's just news. This is what grownups watch. Oh my God. Same here. That's why I asked. I think most of Los Angeles turned on their TVs when one tower was down and we, I'll speak for myself, I was fully under the impression it was an accident. Oh, so was I. Yeah. I mean, why wouldn't you think it was an accident?

I mean, I don't know how many people went to terrorism on that, but we sat there and then I didn't wake Aaron. on that. But we sat there and then I didn't wake Aaron. And then when the second tower got hit, I woke Aaron because at that point you knew that it was an attack. And I remember sitting there watching with her and we're both crying and he's laughing and he's touching us. And I just remember this juxtaposition of this horror that you knew in that moment that the world had just changed. You really felt it. And yet here was this new life that was not aware of it and was still, you know, joyous. I'll never forget that. Owen's still like that, though. He touches my head anytime something bad happens and laughs.

Well, it's good luck. We told him it's good luck to touch your head. I don't know. I think he likes when bad things happen to America, because then he cried and had a tantrum when we killed bin Laden. It's a little surprising. He's a sleeper kid. he is a sleeper kid he's not a good sleeper um all right all right so enough people are probably not elevened out so let's oh

the documentary was called too soon and i haven't seen it but i read a great review of it oh all right uh gilbert god for you know they did that roast comedy central did their roast like very soon after maybe a couple months after if that i think it was david hasselhoff and gilbert did some 9-11 jokes that really hit hard like he really fucking went for it oh no oh i know for sure and he was canceled joke was yeah i think he got fired from uh he used to do ads for something he had a long-running ad campaign well there was because of it right there was also i think he got fired again so he used to do Aflac, right? But I think that was later. I think that was 10 years later and he was fired and Jeff Ross and I, uh, were doing his show,

the burn on comedy central. And I remember we were yet to launch and I go, Hey, what a cool move for a many, many reasons. Why don't we hire Gilbert Gottfried as our VO guy, as a symbolic hire, but also he's awesome. That voice is incredible. Chris just wrote, that was Fukushima. Gilbert got fired after a dead body floating by joke on Twitter. That's what it was. You're right. Okay. And then, and then we hired him. But Gilbert but Gilbert goes, I love Gilbert Godfrey. God, it's amazing. But by the way, I would do the VO sessions with him. So I'd get on the phone. He's in New York in a voiceover booth. And, uh, there's a professional wiring us together. And he goes, um, so he would, uh, I would talk to him like, so Gilbert, the guests are like,

you know, Maryland rice cub, you know, uh, whoever. And he's like, okay, okay. He's like this. All right. And he goes, so do you want me to, especially the first one? He's like, so do you want me to like, ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Ross or like, you know, should I do it bigger? And it was, I had to like lean. I like put my hands over my ears, like to cut like my head, like to hear him like it was so low, so low. And he's like, okay, so take one. he's like okay so take one he's like the bad witch and it was just it just blew my ears just his crazy screaming it was nuts that's hilarious yeah

um great song this week i think you loved it right i'm john cabrera it's one of my how about this i'm gonna be fair it's one of favorite. I thought it might be my favorite, actually. It's pretty great. It's pretty fucking great. John Cabrera brings it time and time again. I mean, we always talk about how we should put out an album of all the songs, but John Cabrera has now completed, I would say, half an album for us. Like four or five killer songs. The last syllable on the song is me going, um, with a real dot, dot, dot.

And I thought it was going to end with me doing, um, okay. You know, which I think I do a lot. The logo is from, oh, I should know. That's a great logo. Isn't that a great logo? Somebody made a joke about a Gibbons monkey and a grapefruit Simmons head should be a logo. So then our friend Zach Koss made the graphic. It's very nice. I remember the sad day in like, I don't know, maybe sixth grade or whatever grade it was.

In a science textbook, someone found the Gibbons monkey and then it was all over. Oh, really? Yeah. Yep. That's racist. Yeah. Well, the poor monkey. Corrections. Wake and Fright said rude, selfish people are called boars. B-O-O-R-S, not boars. B-O-A-R-S. Nothing to do with pigs. It's just Dutch German for farmer.

Hoffman, who's the guy that always puts ESQ after his name so he can justify his father spending $400,000 for law school that he clearly doesn't use because he listens to this show. I can't imagine a real lawyer listening to this fucking show. Oh boy, you're in a spiral now.

He said when you call someone a boar, it is not referring to the animal nor is calling someone a deer a sweet or useful person, the same as the critters that eat my shrubs. Do you think you have been calling them animals all along? Homophones are a bitch, huh? Homophones, yeah. Homophones?

I think it's homophones. All right, homophones. A homophone is if you download a grinder onto your phone. Homophone is like a Motorola Razr. A homophone has like sparkles on it and a new kids on the block decal. Oh, Mary Lynn's going to hate that joke. Yep. This weekend, it's here folks

if you haven't gotten your tickets yet Mike Gibbons is going to come up to Sacramento with me we're going to do a live podcast of Sunday Papers at the Sacramento Punchline that's the 18th of September I will also be there doing stand-up comedy from this Thursday to Saturday

9-16 through 9-18. Also, I'm coming to comics at the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut on September 23rd through the 25th. San Francisco Punchline, November 4th through the 6th. Also have dates coming up in Boston and Portland, and I'm announcing some new dates next week. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets. And don't forget, look, we're all adults here. Some of us like to use nicotine. If you smoke it in a cigarette, I think there's a better way to get your nicotine. Lucy is the way you want to do it. Lucy Nicotine is a company that was created to help nicotine users find a cleaner option. So their latest product is Slim Nicotine Pouches, which contain pure synthetic nicotine users find a cleaner option uh so their latest product is slim nicotine pouches

which contain pure synthetic nicotine and provide the same satisfaction that nicotine users expect without any tobacco at all yeah um yeah they said they sent me some uh i gave my friend tommy who smokes marlboro reds i I gave him some of these. And I said, try these on the course instead of smoking because you're driving everybody fucking crazy with it. And he went the entire round and he fucking loved it. You slip it between your gum and your cheek and it's got a few different strengths that you can use, different flavors, spearmint, mango, cool cider.

I gave him the cool cider. He liked it. Yeah, don't light tobacco on fire and suck in the smoke yeah it's come on now it's primitive it's 2021 don't compromise when you're choosing your nicotine products go with the newest tobacco free options with lucy sunday papers listeners go to lucy l-u-c-y dot c-o-co and use promo code papers get 20 off your go to lucy.co and use promo code PAPERS. Get 20% off your order of Lucy Slim Pouches or any other Lucy products. That's lucy.co.

Use promo code PAPERS at checkout. Also, I have to give this disclaimer. Warning, this product contains non-tobacco nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical as is sunday papers lucy.co and be sure to use promo code papers hey back to the sacramento punchline yeah do i have to get a hotel room i will get you a hotel room yeah you stay at the same place as me not the same room thank god because god knows you're probably going to meet some hot Sacramento girl. That's the plan, right?

Isn't that everyone's plan, even if you're not in Sacramento, to meet a hot Sacramento girl? Yep. Whether you're in Hermosa Beach, wherever you are. The sack walk. Sack up. All right, what do we got going on today? Let us get a paper crinkle. Oh, I got one.

Same one as last week. It's fresh. Front page. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Headline, dead comedians.

Oh, God. Police have identified Ricky Angelli and Natalie Williamson as the other two victims who died at a Venice, California house party over the weekend, like literally blocks from my house. They, along with comedian and television writer Fuquan Johnson, are believed to have ingested cocaine laced with the powerful painkiller fentanyl comedian Kate Quigley the other victim of the laced drug is still alive but said to be lucid only for a few fruit a few brief moments so this was real tragedy I mean I I only I I knew Fuquan a little bit from him hanging around.

Kate, it's funny, we talked about Kate after the show last week because Chris had mentioned her in passing that she wears a bikini on stage. She used to date the guy from— Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish. From Hootie and the Blowfish. A lot of people call him Hootie. And I believe this this party took place next door to his house. Wow. And so it's it's very sad.

And it really is a reminder not to fuck. First of all, cocaine in 2021. What the fuck? It's so popular. You have no idea. Oh, my God. I can't believe it's back. And I think it's cheaper than 20 years ago.

I think it's cheaper. And the thing is, I think it was making a comeback and it was more pure. It was better until they started using fentanyl in it. And now people are, I mean, Prince died from fentanyl. Tom Petty died from fentanyl. Tom Petty died from fentanyl. It's no fucking joke. Yeah. No, cocaine is alive and thriving, although this is a real warning shot.

I mean, a lot of people, I mean, obviously there's, you know, any drugs you're getting now. I mean, the unbelievable tragedies of Prince and Tom Petty, both fentanyl, uh, with both of them, fentanyl contributed to their deaths. Um, when I started working with a lot of Brits, uh, like about, uh, I guess eight years ago, um, they're like, there's not a party in London where there's not cocaine. Like it's just everywhere. At first of all, doesn't fentanyl bring you down? How would somebody snort cocaine and then go into a nod and go, yeah, that was good. We should buy from that guy again. So did you see the post I sent where they showed a lethal dose of fentanyl? Yes.

It was next to a penny. And you could basically write the date of the penny with the amount of fentanyl that was there. It's that. Yeah. Right. It was so tiny. So you're thinking is dealers. Definitely. Nobody wants people to OD. Um, it's bad for business, uh, whatever, among many other things. So you're like, what's going on? Well, it's highly, highly addictive. So my amateur guess is that's why it's in there. Because you're putting so little in, you're not

reducing the amount of cocaine in any way that's going to add up monetarily. So I think it's because they're putting a little of that extra addictive quality in. I could be wrong. By the way, I could totally be wrong. They used to put in speed because it mimicked what cocaine made you feel like a little bit, but I just don't get how... Get back to baking soda or some shit. It's just, it really fucking

bums me out. But you know who's really bummed out by this story is Dennis Gubbins. And it's not because comedians died. It's that there was a party in Venice and he wasn't invited to it. That tends to get him more than anything. Oh, nothing bumps him out more.

You have to watch it. And he does the math so fast. I'm like, you're talking about something important and you're like, no, no. And then, you know, the other day, Greg said that you didn't, but he's like, why? When did you see Greg? Everything is dropped

because now he wants to know when you saw Greg that he wasn't there. Yeah. And God forbid he bumps into you while you're with somebody else that he knows. Oh, no, no. You have to hide. Yeah. Oh, Dennis. Oh, Dennis. Oh, Dennis.

What do we got? Let's go to Texas. Texas Governor Greg Abbott. Said Tuesday. What a gem. What a gem. Now, look, his heart's in the right place. He says he intends to eliminate rape in his state amid criticism that a new law banning abortions at six weeks does not include an exception for victims of rape and incest.

First of all, only in Texas do you have to say and incest like like as if some cases of incest are not rape. You know, like, I don't know. She kind of wanted it. That's a good point. You know? I don't know. I bet they figure that. I bet they figure out ways around that.

I bet there are, no, I bet there is incest without rape. And then they want to terminate the pregnancy. Guaranteed, of course. Well, then maybe you should, yeah. I guess you could always just say someone's related to you and thenate the pregnancy. Guaranteed, of course. Well, then maybe you should. Yeah. I guess you could always just say someone's related to you and then get the abortion and really fuck them over on that one. You can in Texas. Rape is a crime, he said, and Texas will work tirelessly because you'd have to work until you're tired to stop all rape by aggressively going out and arresting them

and prosecuting them and getting them off the streets. Is this a new idea in Texas? Yeah, he just came up with this idea. Prosecuting rape? Yes. That's not on the books? So goal number one in the state of Texas is to eliminate rapes that no woman, no person will be a victim of rape.

That was a quote, right? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, well, first of all, he needs strategies. He needs a program. I would suggest off the top of my head, get rid of fraternities. No more fraternities.

Get all the windowless vans. I've seen a lot of those in the true crime and no more Jägermeister well no more Hollywood executives and that's going to be a problem because so much of Hollywood's moving to Texas

it's going to be a problem but listen there is some drawbacks if he does eliminate rape we're probably going to have to stop reading Hager the Horrible. Oh, right. That's not going to make sense anymore. Yeah, because there won't be rape. People will eventually forget what rape was because he's going to be so good at getting it off the streets.

To keep this promise of his, this is what he's going to do. He's going to recategorize rape and call it non-consensual encounters. And there you go. No more rape. Yeah. Yeah. That's the crazy. It's almost like he, like, let's say a drug. One of the bad side effects was a suicide. He'll be like, no, no, no, no problem. We're going to eliminate suicide. Right. Okay. We're all ears. It's like Nancy Reagan saying say no to drugs. It was such a fucking complete misunderstanding of drug addiction and how people die from it. We're going to eliminate rape. Oh, my God.

All right. Go, Texas. You're killing it. Let's go to California now. Talk about our own lawmakers. Go, Texas. You're killing it. Let's go to California now. Talk about our own lawmakers. California lawmakers moved to make the state the first to outlaw, ready for this, stealthing, which is removing a condom without permission during intercourse.

Wow. Between stealthing and ghosting, and I just can't keep up with all the dating terms. So Governor Gavin Newsom got a bill on Tuesday adding the act to the state's civil definition of sexual battery. It makes it illegal to remove the condom without obtaining verbal consent. So basically, California is stopping births and Texas is causing them. So wait, it makes it illegal to remove the condom without obtaining verbal... So she has to ask me before she rips off the condom?

Yes. Oh, all right. Yes. That's weird. I mean, it's a yes. Now look, I don't know what guys, isn't fucking enough? I mean, with a condom on, I wear a rubber boot and get laid and just be happy to be in there.

What do you got to take the condom off for? You're crazy. Come on. They're terrible. It's been a long time since I wore a condom. I mean, I shouldn't say that. Exactly. No, no. There's such funny memes.

There was one meme that went around, and it's this really sad person in a car going through a car wash, and their head's like against the window, and you could see through the window that the car is going through a car wash, and it's like my penis in a, in a condom. It went while inside her. It's, it's a perfect, it's a perfect summary. Someone had a great joke. I'm not going to remember what it was, but it was about like being in the other room, like being so disconnected from how it felt. So anyway, it's pretty barbaric. I mean, it's literally, I mean, I understand it.

And, you know, everyone should wear condoms. It's pretty rapey. It's kind of a rapey thing to do. Oh, wow. I wasn't going there. I'm just going, putting a bag over yourself seems like that was the first, we talked about this before, but it seems like the first impulse idea. Well, I'm guessing that the guys that do this are the same guys that are anti-maskers. Here's an idea. You ready? Any of the, any of these techies listening to our podcast,

isn't there a lube that you could put on yourself that also serves as a sheath of some sort. You know what I mean? That also serves as a covering. You mean a liquid that stops a liquid? Like sunblock, for instance. Sunblock, you could put a bed. Yeah, it's called spermicide. Spermicide.

No, but I mean protected from disease and stuff. Like, in other words, you could put on clothes instead of sunblock. That's what a condom is. But then they came up with sunblock. Am I making sense? You don't care. Well, I guess you could take a penicillin pill and stick it in there first, and then some spermicide, and then you're fine.

I mean, I think that Trump— Yeah, you're right. You're right. I think that's the kind of solution Trump would come up with. No herpes, no warts whatsoever with that penicillin pill in your urethra. Maybe if you fill her up with ivermectin. Okay. But no, this is a serious issue, actually. This happens. Yeah, it does happen. I didn't know it happened so often that it had a name.

And you know what? I bet you women do take it off. I bet there's some women, like there's women that try to get pregnant by NBA players. I bet they try to take the condom off. Well, that's what this issue is going to—it's going to beg the question, you know, the dumb phrase, what if she pulls the goalie? In other words, without telling the male, like, or she lies and says, I'm on the pill. Right. Or I can't get, whatever way she says, I can't, I can't get pregnant. Yeah. Because that's what this is protecting. Also, it's not only disease and all that, but, you know, this this guy who, you know, subvertly takes his condom off can impregnate someone.

And so what about the other way around? What about if a girl tells you I'm on my period so I can't get pregnant? When, in fact, she just has like a McDonald's ketchup packet in there and then she stealthily opens it while you're having sex. I still think that would probably be the best sex ever. So, you know, what's McDonald's? Whatever. I should come up with a McDonald's slogan. When you're taking a girl out on a date at McDonald's before you have sex with her, make sure she doesn't ask for extra ketchup.

Maybe that's the thing you can rub on yourself that'll make you invincible. Let's do some local news. All right. We just put this story in there three minutes ago because you reminded me we came up with this bit last week. Well, I don't have a Nextdoor app story, but I did see this on Melrose right here, right down the street. Sidewalk diners robbed at gunpoint on Melrose and terrifying incident caught on video is the security camera. Video shows two men walking up to several people dining on the sidewalk. One man points a gun and they both start to rifle through the shocked customer's belongings, grabbing purses, wallets and shopping bags before running away on foot.

The whole sequence took less than 20 seconds. I only put this story in there because that's the first time that anything happened that quickly at a restaurant in fucking Los Angeles. There are no professional waiters. They're all actors and actresses and they're clueless. And none of them are even back at work yet. Like no one can get good help. Right, right. So they were served in under a half a minute.

That's noteworthy. Oh my God, that's so true. It's unbelievable how fucking slow everything is in LA. And the worst is Penmar, which is the golf course we play at, which has great food. It's a great hang. And the service is abysmal. I literally don't go there unless I have an hour and a half to sit down and order a hot dog and eat it. I know.

All right. So listen, this is where I'm still an idiot. If I had my wallet packed with stuff I need, which it is now, and I always, every year or two, I go on a wallet diet, and then I'm like, when I go out, sometimes all I need is a rubber band and then one credit card, driver's license, and some cash. That's all I need. And a condom.

And right, and of course my ketchup packet. And so let's say my wallet's loaded. I have like receipts in there that I need. And you know, my health insurance card, it has everything in there, right? And way too many credit cards and bank cards. I still have that fantasy, which all teenage males do, of saying no to the guy. You know what I mean?

If you're robbed, so if you were robbed by somebody, if they have a gun, I give them the wallet. If they don't have a gun, I'm not giving them the wallet. He's not going to shoot us. He's terrified, by the way.

He and his buddy, fully masked with hoodies, just popped out of a car. They've gone over this and over this, and they want to be fucking so incredibly quick. They are not going to go from robbery, which basically isn't prosecuted in Los Angeles anymore. It almost is not, truly not, if it's under $1,000. And that's what a lot of the comments were like, well, if they stole under $1,000, they didn't even risk anything. No shit.

Really? Except the armed robbery part. But let's say there wasn't, if there wasn't a bullet, if the gun's not loaded, like as they say in Arizona, it ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded. But I don't know if they did away with that rule. But the last thing they want to do is murder someone. I think you're overestimating these criminals. First of all, if they had any brains at all, they would know that there was fucking cameras everywhere and that they're going to be caught on tape by no less than a half a dozen cameras.

Well, they took the phones. Anyway. Did they get caught? I didn't read the update to the story. I'll go look as you read the next one. No, you're not going to find it. Oh, no. I think I did see an update when I grabbed the story.

Have you ever been robbed of your wallet? Yeah. Where? Well, in New York city. Um, and well, not on my wallet. I emptied my wallet and gave it, gave him cash. Oh. But in New York, you know, we talked about that.

Like, you know, one of the, I hate to say it's a rookie move, but my buddy goes, well, he kind of blamed himself. He, he ran down a subway and he sensed that it was close. He didn't see anyone coming out, which was weird because he heard the train. So then he ran and New York often closes some of the entrances. Let's say there's an entrance on all four corners. Sometimes they'll close one. And, uh, if it's closed, no bueno. So he ran down. And as soon as he ran down, it's like a trap in nature. It's like some like, you know, some animal planet documentary.

Then the thief just follows you down and you're nothing you can do. There's a chained door down there. Wow. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Well, yeah. I mean, all you got to do is hang out a half a block from an ATM machine and follow somebody if they're on foot, you know. Well, yeah, I mean, all you got to do is hang out a half a block from an ATM machine and follow somebody if they're on foot, you know. Well, Venice and Santa Monica, as you know, have gotten so, so bad. I now am very I'm on a high alert when I'm at an ATM. There's an ATM across the street from me and Wells Fargo bank with cameras. I'm still on super high alert because you're just so vulnerable. Yeah. Right. So.

Hey, let's do some entertainment. Speaking of L.A. All right. Let's. Here we go. All right. You want me to read it? It's your story.

Sure is. Ellen DeGeneres kicks off the final season with a crying Jennifer Aniston. The morning show star is helping to kick off the final season of Ellen DeGeneres' show next week. And according to a new sneak peek, she barely, because they pre-tape, she barely makes it to the seat before the tissues come out.

I hope she's crying. I had some tissues out on that episode, too. You did? Yeah. You like Ellen that much, huh? Uh-huh. Maybe she was crying because she's like, oh, my God, this talk show? I didn't agree to do this one.

I thought this was, what's her name, from American Idol is going to take her place. I didn't know. Kelly Clarkson. I didn't know Kelly wouldn't be here. I've been duped. However, she had a little bone to pick with her friend. When Jen appeared on the first show in 2003, she was the very first guest, Greg, you were there. Yep. She gifted Ellen with a welcome mat that said, welcome. Ellen put it

on the side of the stage and promised Jennifer she'd keep it there forever. Ellen, unfortunately, did not keep the welcome mat there forever, but she tried to pretend she did. It's like, Jennifer, what don't you get? Ellen promises every dog adoption agency in the country she's going to keep the dog. And the dogs last shorter than your welcome mat does. Well, that's probably what happened to the welcome mat is one of the adopted dogs peed on it

and she threw it in the garbage. I mean the dog. Right. The mat made it another week. The mat made another week, dog went in the garbage. I mean the dog. Right. The mat made it another week. The mat made it another week. Dog went in the garbage. I think she also put the, I think she got rid of the welcome mat after she got accused of being a

bitch on her show and she had to get rid of some producers. She took out the welcome mat for them. Well, it was, well, yeah, the last thing Ellen wants is a mat that says, you just realize what it says.

It says welcome. Yeah. That's the exact opposite feeling I walk around with. It should be beware. Stay away. Yeah. I don't like non-famous humans. How about that?

That's a good mat. Yeah. All right. We did that one. Let's do another one. Here you go. All right. We did that one. Let's do another one. Here you go. Phil Collins. Phil Collins.

I wonder. I have a clunky joke that I'm going to get ready for this one. Let's see if it works. Where are we? Oh, boy. It's not going to work. Sorry. Bear with me as I screw this up.

All right. Phil Collins is suffering from health problems and can barely hold drumsticks. The musician who is it is sad. The musician who is 70 appeared on BBC Breakfast with his Genesis band members to promote the group's reunion tour. And Collins said his son, Nick Collins, will be drumming with the band going forward. So he says he can't. I'm going to try to do a bit. If I had technology, this bit would destroy. So he says he can't hold drumsticks. So it's like, oh, how does this song go?

No, you don't fool me. How does that part? No, you don't fool me. The hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows. It's no stranger to you and me. Did that work? Nope. I cued a kid I found on YouTube dropping his drumsticks.

It's no stranger to you and me. This is like an inside joke. This is like your own inside joke. Okay. This is how when you're in late night, you're paid to think this way. But the difference is you have a giant support team who can get the audio to play and it can work out well. We need a staff. Chris Denman does a great job, but I think we need like a, we need like a, if anybody wants to be our intern, email us fitzdogradio at gmail.com.

It's an unpaid position. We'll give you a shout-out on the show, but we need somebody to help us assemble stuff for the show. Maybe research some stories. Yeah, there's stuff you could do. Because, listen, well-produced jokes are no stranger to you and me. There we go. Now it's a callback. Another inside baseball term. I'll tell you something. You can shit on Genesis and Phil Collins all you want,

but Something in the Air Tonight is a fucking legendary song. I remember the first time. I think it was the first time I heard it. Could that be? I think it was the first time I heard it. Could that be? But there was an open opening sequence to the TV show Miami Vice. Yeah. And I mean, I'm wondering if Michael Mann directed it himself. Like it was the most high quality thing I had seen on television. It was like beauty shots, close-ups of this shiny car driving through the Miami night with that song playing. Yeah. I think I'm recalling this correctly. It might be a car commercial.

I think you're thinking of a car commercial. I'm definitely not. I think you are. No. I think you are. Maybe it became that because everyone steals everything. But it was in the hangover also. Of course.

Our buddy just got punched in the face on the downbeat, if that's the right way to say it. But this is another example of a shit, shit band capable of putting out one fucking great song. You know, there are a lot of people who are team Phil over team, you know, Peter Gabriel. No, absolutely not. I am not one of those at all.

But I bet... It's no fun being an illegal alien. That's a song. Do not even get us started on Su-Su-Su-Su-Di- You know what Genesis is? Genesis is fucking Elton John's writing, buddy. What's his name? Bernie Taupin.

Bernie Taupin. That's what happens when Bernie Taupin writes shitty lyrics and sends it to non-geniuses. Yeah. That's what Genesis is. Right, right. to non-geniuses yeah that's what genesis is right right but there are people who are team like people who know music also who are team phil he's an amazing drummer i mean he's always the go-to guy on like you know whenever like live aid and things like that happen he's the fucking drummer they pick dude he he was the guy i mean it was so pathetic he flew from london in the

concord to get on the philadelphia stage so he played both live aids oh he did wembley stadium and philadelphia yeah wow that's amazing yeah an amazing waste of money, fuel, and everything. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Bernie 2020, right? Meanwhile, he's in the plane on his way over there, and all of a sudden, Queen destroys it in Wembley behind him. No one's thinking about Phil on his stupid plane ride anymore. Yeah, right.

Speaking of stupid, Ted Cruz, he went after oh boy Texas again come on Texas you're doing great so apparently he's a big Princess Bride super fan but that didn't stop him from coming after comedian Patton Oswalt who announced that he had pulled multiple tour dates in Florida and Utah from venues that refused to require proof of

vaccination and a negatory COVID test for audience members. So I guess Cruz retweeted an article and wrote both of his fans were disappointed. I wait, I think I know the context. You brought up princess bride. He got in a Twitter scuffle with Carrie Elweswes i don't know you know how to pronounce it but you know the star of princess bride oh yeah that's why that line that you read is in there because this is not ted cruz's first time picking a fight with someone so he picks his fight with

why pick a fight with pat and oswald you. You're going to you're going to lose. Why your your fucking children are dying in your state. Why are you picking a fight with anybody who is expressing concern for the vaccine? Right. And by the way, Ted Cruz has four point five million Twitter followers. Patton has four point seven. So Patton writes, here's his tweet. In parentheses, sigh. Okay, Ted, here we go. Not as disappointed as Texas was when you cut your Cancun vacation short and came home.

Ted, you tweeted this at 1 a.m. Put the phone down and return to liquid form for a few hours. Put the phone down and return to liquid form for a few hours. I'm so flattered you took time from your porn scrolling for this, Ted. How about, Ted, my fans are all at home waiting to see you at the January 6th hearings. And then he ends it with, well, that was fun. As always, Ted, you're a friendless, cowardly embarrassment and your beard looks stupid. And nothing, nothing from Ted after that. I mean,

he made fun of him for canceling shows because of the COVID protocols. Yeah. I mean, just, the guy went to Harvard, by the way, just no awareness of, huh, first of all, not only have I picked a fight where I'm completely outgunned.

Okay, there's just that. But is this the right thing to put out there right now? Right. Should any word be wasted on frivolous shit right now when our hospitals are loaded and we have a real issue? Well, look at what Trump was tweeting about. I mean, when the fucking, his tweets were, nine out of ten of them were things like this. And all you righties who get buttered, you're so sensitive. But I would be saying the same thing if it was any politician who's picking a fight with

a comedian when there's bigger issues. I'd be shitting on them as well. It doesn't matter what side. This guy is a full-blown idiot. Everyone knows that. Speaking of comedians, John Mulaney, after months of rumors, has confirmed that he and actress Olivia Munn are together and that they're going to be parents. John Mulaney's going to have a baby with Olivia Munn. I love Mulaney. i don't know him but i love him uh but i don't know i'm interested to talk to you about this go ahead well i know

mulaney he used to open for me as i'm the aging comic who has to constantly say jimmy fallon yeah he used to open for me uh mulaney i met fallon for the first time ever in Vegas. He was warming up for you and he was there with his guitar and super awkward and the nicest guy ever. And Keith Robinson. We had a blast. Yep. So I'm excited

for him. I mean, look, he used to date, he used to be married for a long time and it drove him into rehab. He he drank himself into. You can't say his marriage. I'm kidding. I think his wife was lovely. I have no idea what happened to their marriage. I'm not that good friends with them. They had a famous French bulldog that was famous on Instagram, by the way. was famous on Instagram, by the way.

So he comes out and he hooks up with her and, uh, you know, she's coming off a relationship with, uh, Aaron Rogers. I know. From the Green Bay Packers. And so he, so who had a better, let me ask you this, who had a better rebound, Aaron Rogers or Olivia Munn? She left him and ended up with John Mulaney. Yeah. He left her and ended up with Donica Patrick.

Oh, yeah. Race car driver. Which one's a better rebound? Well, one question I'd ask is, did Donica Patrick just get out of rehab? Good point. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Yep. Isn't a huge part of rehab like you are in no place to meet someone right now?

You're supposed to wait a year. And I don't know if he waited a year or not. And also. No, he did not. He's in a high-profile job. He's very busy. He hosted SNL shortly after getting out of rehab. But I'll tell you what, his new stand-up,

I saw a set that he did that was very introspective. It was much... He'd never talked about his personal life, really, in his stand-up before. And then he came out, and suddenly he was talking about it. I think he had a transformative experience in rehab. And I think he's probably in a really good place. Now, you know, Olivia Munn.

Yeah, I don't think she knows me anymore. But, yeah, I was on Spike Ferriston's late night show. We saw her on the G4 network. She was a host. Like, you know, she's, she has that nerd thing going on that she, that she leans into and is genuinely a nerd, like, you know, loves video games and that culture. And we thought she was funny. And so I think we were the first people that were like putting her on. And then we were going to do a pilot called hello, Olivia with her.

And I was in her apartment here on the west side with Spike trying to, like, brainstorm ways to do that. And she could not have been nicer, more self-effacing. I really liked working with her. Now, you brought her on my podcast, remember? Oh, my God. That's right. So did that also. Right, right, right.

She came over to my house and we sat in my garage with her and she was great. Super hot. No, really cool. Great hang. She's pretty intimidatingly beautiful. Well, she doesn't look like she used to. No, no, no. Who does? No, no, no. I'm not saying that.

Everybody has been confused and talked about her plastic surgery. Oh. She looks very, very, very different. And the only reason, I don't know, it's not fair to say, but the only reason I'm saying it is you're right. She was absolutely beautiful and didn't need any work. But, you know, what do we know? But, you know, what do we know? Well, anyway, we wish them luck. Congratulations, John. One of the truly top three comics working today. He's so good.

So he then went, he did an interview. I think he was on Seth Meyers, maybe, where he talked about the chronology of before he had to go into rehab. of before he had to go into rehab. So it was something like he had done rehab maybe during his marriage or whatever it was. So I'm going to get some of this wrong. But the part that is right is he then was clean and sober. He hosted SNL. After SNL that night, he fell off the wagon.

And when he fell off the wagon, either that night or the next night he announced and then it was announced in the trades he was going to be a staff writer at seth myers oh right right and there was huge news like it was front page of like hollywood reporter and the trades yeah and all that and anyway uh my friend Dickie sent me a tweet. So this tweet, I don't know, do you know Gianmarco? He's a comedian maybe? Gianmarco Seresi.

Anyway, he had a tweet. It's kind of funny that John Mulaney's rock bottom was becoming a writer for Late Night. Yeah. That is so funny. Oh my God, that's great. That's hilarious. So Seth ends up with fucking Fred Armisen as his band leader and John Mulaney as his writer.

Jesus. I know, right? We had, we should talk about, we're in the entertainment section. Usually we talk about what we're watching. I will tell you, last night I watched Only Murders in This Building, the Steve Martin, Martin Short project. I have to give it another shot. Wow. Wow. What?

So corny. Thank you. Okay, good. It's really, really hard for men of a certain age to criticize Steve Martin. Yes. And that age is mine. I hesitate to even say it because of that. Martin Short is so unbelievably funny.

I give him so many passes. Jiminy Glick is up there with Borat. Jiminy Glick is up there with Borat. As far as fucking great characters in comedy history, Jiminy Glick is fucking brilliant. Oh, please. I've worked on a lot of Between Two Ferns, and Zach will be really impressed with a joke where I'm like,

yeah, no, that's like getting close to Jiminy Glick quality. Because if you step back not that far, Jiminy Glick is because if you step back not that far, Jiminy Glick is between two ferns. Yeah. Like, you know, a definitely different persona, but shitting on the celebrity. Well, which also is one step back from Fernwood Tonight, which was the show 20 years earlier,

which was between two ferns. Oh. Have you ever thought of getting into comedy? Like, to a comedian? No, you're one of these new modern comedians who doesn't do the punchlines. You don't prepare. Tell me about that. Is that –

Does that work for you? He's – I'm telling you, if you're listening to this podcast and you haven't gone and checked out a highlight reel of Jiminy Glick, it's so, so funny. And all the characters from SCTV that he's done, it's so funny. Yeah. so funny yeah but steve martin on the other hand from like cheaper by the dot like he has this quiet he has this overacting gear that he has simply look i as far as what got me into stand-up comedy steve martin is at the top of that list i saw him live when i was 10 years old you did oh yeah i saw him at the Westchester Premiere Theater with the arrow through the head

and the whole thing. My father took me. I had all his albums. I memorized every fucking line of every album. I worshipped him. But he's not a strong actor. He kind of worked in the jerk

because it was so much based on his stand-up. He was amazing in the jerk. Oh, come on. The man with two... What was the... The Oh, come on. The man with two hats. What was the... The man with two brains? The man with two hats. The man with two brains. Dead men wear plaid.

No, he was really good, and I think he's also very good at drama. I don't think he's a bad actor, but there's this gear he has when he's... I don't know what it is. It just seems very self-conscious. Yeah.

And again, who the fuck am I? Sometimes I catch myself making fun of Phil Collins or Steve Martin. Who the fuck am I? Or Ted Cruz. Yeah. Yeah. Ted's a funny guy. I mean, that thing about his two fans were disappointed, that's good shit.

I wouldn't make fun of Bernie Taupin. It's that he's outrageously successful. That's the problem. Yeah. Also, if I meet these people, I'm such a coward. If they're nice to me, forget it. I like them. All right.

What are you watching? I think it was last night. I couldn't fall asleep. Super wrong move. I started to watch. I saw Malignant. I think it was last night. I couldn't fall asleep. Super wrong move. I started to watch, I saw malignant. I think it's called malignant. Chris, is that what it's called? Did it come out yesterday on HBO max and in theaters? So it's a horror movie and it, it sort of rattled me. So I went back to the other thing I'm watching, which is this UFOs documentary on Showtime other thing I'm watching, which is this UFOs documentary on Showtime, is J.J. Abrams did it.

It is interesting. And I told you a few years ago, so I have zero belief in God, right? I mean, it's like a non-starter for me. So fine. I believe in nature. I believe in things that are bigger than us. Well, how do you think nature got started? In a lab. In Wuhan. No, I think there's a natural order. I think there's an order to the universe. I think we are absolutely small. So I get a lot of the benefits of believing in God by believing in nature, which is way, way, way bigger than us and has a design and all that

stuff anyway, but it's random. It's unbelievable. Isn't the word design, isn't it explicit that that means there's something that designed it? I guess I should take back the word design. I mean, let's say, I think there was a big bang or something like it, but I think it was like this little piece of dust that we're on, whatever, this is boring to people, but you know what I'm saying? This little piece of dust we're on just happens to be the exact distance from a heat source where we could grow out of this primordial soup. And it's just unbelievable happenstance. Maybe that's it. Happenstance, a word I love anyway. So forget design.

We're here by happenstance. Anyway. But I can't wait till you die and you go up to heaven and God's standing there and he's got this one fucking door and lights coming out of it. All you see is tits and coke that has no fentanyl in it. And then there's another door that says happenstance. And you walk and you look in there and it's just like bad comedy shows. And, uh, and you have to walk in there. That's, that's, what's going to happen.

It's all spoken word Elton John songs. Yes. I, uh, I would, I would lawyer up super fast and be like, uh, that other door is also happenstance. God, Mr. No at all. Uh, so anyway, your happenstance, God, somehow, anyway, the UFOs thing, once I was, uh, not smart enough, cause I'm not smart enough to wrap my head around the term infinity, the concept. But once I made an effort to wrap my mind around what infinity really means,

and if the universe is infinite, mathematically, there's no way you can rule out beings elsewhere in the galaxy. Sorry, not galaxy. Galaxy's puny compared to the universe. Or multiverse. So I believe, I don't know if these, I guess you'll call them spaceships, but these truly unidentified flying objects, which is real,

that they are unidentified, and the U.S. anyway has claimed that for the first thing, they're not theirs. So you haven't started watching this UFO thing? No, but the interesting thing that you told me about it because you said that there were, you know, and eventually I think you'll get to this after 30 or 40 more minutes. Oh, it's infinite. Is that they spot things on the screen, and I said, well, did they spot light or did they detect mass?

And you said they detected mass. 100%. Explain that. They locked in. So this ship off San Diego. Meanwhile, this documentary has a lot of twists and turns. I think there's a little foreshadowing of not reliable information. So I don't know where it's going. People who have

watched the whole thing are probably laughing at me right now. But the part that I'm at is this ship outside off of San Diego first spotted these things. And they interview the guy who has been silent since 2006 or whenever this happened, um, noticed objects over Catalina, believe it or not. And he goes, you know, my job is to identify anything we see. Is that a warp? Is that some plane from another country flying into our airspace? What is, is that a weather balloon? And he goes, I've identified everything in my career except that. And when I first saw it on the screen, it had a lot of mass and he goes in something with that much mass traveling that slow, he goes, is usually something falling out of the sky because you can't generate enough lift at that slow speed. And this was not falling out of the sky. So that was the first thing that confused me.

And then he goes on, you know, whatever. Everyone should watch this, I think. It's a great watch no matter what. And then it was kicked upstairs and people came down and now they're trying to identify it. And then they're watching these things for, I think, a few days. And then finally it's gotten so bizarre, they're like, we should go check it out. So they

send two fighter jets out to check it out. The fighter jets get out there and are blown away. You hear their audio, you see the video of their sites, and then finally one of them locks onto it. And it looks like a giant jelly bean, like, like that, like that bean in Chicago, like a giant silver oblong shaped thing. And it's doing things that we can't explain with physics as we know it. It's moving very quickly and stopping, right? Oh, it's moving any direction it wants to go immediately. And so anyway, and then they also it it engaged one of them for a little bit before then just taking off like well let's come back and talk about this more next week because i want to watch it i just don't want to fucking subscribe to another channel okay but here's the here's the interesting part is so it was kicked upstairs and then the tapes come in and it's unbelievable now

everything he goes in my job everything as you imagine, is recorded and they're on these drives. A few hours later, helicopter lands. Two men in suits get out, come in, all the drives leave the ship. I'll end on that note. Yeah. What else have I been watching?

I don't know. Let's keep going. Oh, porn titles. Last week we mentioned funny porn titles and we got some submissions from you people. Daniel Morales said Citizen Brain. I guess a cock is a brain. Is that it in the porn speak? Huh? What is brain? Is it giving head? Yeah, I think it's in that category. Oh, wait. Chris Demmon's writing, if you hang brain, I think.

Oh, maybe if you hang your balls out, your nutsack. That's citizen brain. Wow. The hog father. That's a real cage fighter interpretation of brain, I think. Dinging in the rain. All right. Dinging in the rain.

Dinging in the Rain. All right. Dinging in the Rain. Tim Macy wrote animated film How to Train Your Dragon, How to Drain Your Dragon. All right. There it is. TP said The Wadfather. Okay.

What's Gilbert Grape Eating? I think that was a real. I remember that was a real one. Okay. Bart Hopkins said Schindler's Fist you have it inappropriate mr holland's oh face oh face wow how's mr holland's opus okay huh how stella got her tube packed okay i think how stella got a groove back could have worked also but all right fuck fest at tiffany's Okay. I think Hosteller Got a Groove Bag could have worked also, but all right. Fuck Fest at Tiffany's.

I like the ones that aren't really trying hard. Okay. Read the next, read the second one down from, read the one below Joy's Suck Club. Swallow Hal? No. The one above it. Foreskin Gump? No. The one above it. Foreskin gum. You're a porn producer and you got this clever writer and he comes up with foreskin gum.

You're like, how? I understand what you did there. You put something related to a sexual part of the anatomy in the title. How is it sexy at all? Yeah. me in the title. How is it sexy at all? Yeah. Add Mama to the train. Okay. Now they're going to throw Mama from the train. Okay. I don't think it needed one. All right. Let's see. Jizz. Teabagger Vance. Silence of the Clam. Ordinary Peoples.

That's good. What? I like that. On Golden Blonde is a classic. Yeah. Mystic Pussy instead of Mystic Pizza. Wow. This is like, that should have been the assignment. You have to change independent film titles to porn names.

Yeah. You know, like Marvin's Room or some shit like that. The Rear Hunter. Chocohontas. The very, very obvious butt pirates of the Caribbean. Got that from a few people. Yeah, yeah. Hansel Ingretl.

Jim Reiser wrote in, shaving Ryan's privates. Yeah, there it was. Instead of saving Ryan's privates, that's good. That's probably what I would have written. I think these are all real ones. Romancing the Bone, Cape Rear, Honey, I Blew Everyone, Bright Lights, Big Titties, and finally, I was wondering about if there was one for A Star is Born.

Kiel Kennedy said, a stink star is torn. Winner, winner. There we go. All right. Yeah, we could go on all day. We could go on. There was a bunch more. We'll do them next year on 9-11.

How can we forget the jizzard of Oz? I mean, it's hard to say. The jizzard of Oz. It's hard to keep moving. Here we go. Florida woman. Woman. All right. I saw this article and I rewrote it a little to save a little juicy nugget for a nice turn in the story.

Here we go. Drunk woman drove golf cart through Florida police standoff. Officers are trying to defuse the standoff with an armed teen on Sunday when 28 year old Jessica Smith allegedly drove through the middle of the crime scene west of Tampa just after midnight. Smith, who had nothing to do with the standoff, reeked of alcohol when she rolled through the law enforcement perimeter in a golf cart, totally naked. That's all we ask. That's all we ask

in our Florida Man stories. I want nudity. I want drunkenness. I want a crime scene. This gets it all. I don't know why they keep putting allegedly in there. Everybody saw it. So I'm going to remove it. Smith drove, not allegedly, drove past multiple marked law enforcement vehicles in the direction of the armed suspect who was perched on the roof of a home. After she refused to leave the area, sheriff's deputies eventually pulled her from the golf cart and handcuffed her as the standoff with the armed teen continued to unfold.

She had no comment when reached by the Post. The New York Post wrote this up. She had no comment when reached by the Post Wednesday. In fact, she said, I think my work speaks for itself. She didn't say that, but I wish she did. A comment? You want a comment? I just drove naked through a crime scene drunk.

What the fuck am I going to add to that? Can someone give me a mic to drop? I don't have a mic. I have no pockets, but I should do that right now. Maybe she was looking for a golf ball and her clothes. You mind if I play through? That's perfect. I mean, it has a golf cart.

It's so Florida. Yeah. It's the perfect. It has inebriation, nudity. It even has a violent standoff, which happens to be unrelated in this story. But she drove in the. First of all, it's hard to drive a golf cart at night and not come into a police standoff in Florida. That's true.

Or an alligator. You should give her credit. You're either going to hit an alligator or you're going to see a police action. Yeah. I looked up a picture of her. She's actually kind of hot. She was, yeah. It must have been fun cuffing her when she was naked, right?

Totally naked. Do I get canceled? Do I get canceled for saying that? Arms behind the back. Speaking of getting canceled, I want to hear you do this story. Here we go. We're going international. All right, let's hear it.

A black woman. Already triggered. Has won the title of Miss Ireland. Pamela Uba, a 26-year-old medical scientist, is making history as she has become the first black woman to be crowned Miss Ireland in the country since the pageant began in 1947. Has any Miss Ireland been crowned? That's what I'm wondering. What? Has any Miss Ireland ever been crowned? What?

Has any Miss Ireland ever been crowned? I mean, talk about a swing from the whitest Miss Ireland to this. Yeah. The whitest Miss anything. Go ahead. Quote, she said, it means so much to me, a delighted Uba says. I'm so grateful I can show girls that color is not something that holds you back. And it doesn't matter where you come from. The world is your Ister, she told the Irish Times. and show girls that color is not something that holds you back. And it doesn't matter where you come from.

The world is your oyster, she told the Irish Times. Okay. The world is your oyster. You know, she's from South Africa. Are you doing a South African accent? Oh. No, she moved when she was seven. I think she talks Irish.

All right, well, wait. We should tell people that. She moved to Ireland. She moved to Ireland as an asylum seeker from Johannesburg when she was seven. Quote, I remember thinking it was strange I couldn't hear gunshots when I arrived, she said. When Uber was crowned Miss Galway, she was subject to racist trolls, Irish trolls. That sounds redundant on social media. Black people make up 1.4% of the Irish population. Right. Not a lot. Not a lot. Well, there are the black Irish because there's Irish people.

I might be black Irish. Black Irish have lighter skin and black hair because I think they are descendants of some of the Spanish invasions. Well, you know, Texas and Governor Abbott wasn't around then to stop the massive rape that Spain performed on Ireland. Hey, y'all, get off of them there. Stop that now. Yeah, my dad is considered Black Irish it's like the George Clooney thing Like he tans better than I do

And all that stuff Yeah so congratulations To Pamela Uba Who will now Go to Puerto Rico for the Miss Universe Pageant And uh Very presumptuous that only Earthlings are in the Miss Universe pageant. It's true.

Now that we've discovered, now that Showtime has discovered life on other planets, how about a girl with three tits? This reminded me of probably, anyway had an idea. So on my, on my sitcom, I don't know how to say it, but anyway, on my sitcom, the legendary Stephen Fry from England was a star. James Corden, who I'm,

you know, was really, I'm really good friends with. And at the time he let me leave his show to go do that sitcom. And he goes, Hey, by the way, if you ever wanted,

like, you know, uh, if you had a role for me or whatever, and you know, meanwhile, by the way, I probably asked him and he said that,

but I would love that idea. So anyway, I came up with an idea where Stephen Fry had an adopted, had a son that he adopted and rescued from South Africa. And then the reveal was he adopted a white boy from South Africa. And I thought that was funny. Anyway, can't get that time back.

Let's go ahead to sports. Sports. U.S. Open women's is going on right now. Right now. It's Saturday. Yesterday, I was so excited to watch the men's semifinal with, uh, Djokovic. Yeah. And, uh, my, and I, I fucking TiVo'd it. I went out, I got some dinner, set up the fucking TV tables in front of the couch to watch it. You fired up the old TiVo, the phrase you still use. Fired up the TiVo.

And then I get a text from Mike going, hey, the match is done. He has a fucking screenshot of the score in the fourth set. Well. Who does that? Seriously, in 2021, who fucking texts sports scores? Okay, a little context. At lunch, which I had with you about three hours earlier,

you had said Djokovic won the semifinal and was in the finals. All right. Well, you know. So I thought there was no plan to watch it. You had already assumed he won. And my text was, hey, by the way, Djokovic is not in the finals yet. And I send you a screen grab. I'd say the text was a perfect text minus the screen grab.

I think you're probably right. All right, sorry. Should I spoil it for you that I won the bet the first week in the NFL? Yeah, as people know, last year we had a bet for the entire season. I took the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who I predicted would win the Super Bowl, and they did. And I took Mike. I bet him every game of the season, standing bet, with points,

I took Tampa Bay. So now I'm in this quandary where Tampa Bay did win in week one, but they did not cover the – was it a nine-point spread? Nine-point spread. I think they won by two or something, but let me tell you something. They should not have won. You got to go back and watch it on that final drive. Blatant pass interference. Really? Oh no, no, no.

You know, when the, the booth then goes to their expert ref that they have like, you know, on call that guy even said it, he's like, I mean, that's sort of textbook, like in the book, it says if you are pushing off to make room to make your catch, and it's exactly what the guy did. Oh, so it was offensive interference.

Offensive pass interference. The receiver pushed the defender off and then caught the ball, which it was third and like 50. It was, and they were out of field goal range on, it was like, it was the play of the game. Well, last year you lost $400 to me and I paid you immediately. No, you did actually pay me immediately. Yes.

So this year you were paying me when I'm up about, I don't know, 900. We'll see. Is that possible? Maybe 800. There were about 14 games in a season, so you could go 700. I don't know. How did you? Oh, I know.

I know how we got to 400. It was at 200, and there was one game left, and I let it all ride. Oh, I think it was the Super Bowl you let it all ride. Oh, that's exactly what I did. Those fuck faces. Yeah. All right. So.

What's the line this week? What's going on? Who are they playing? I tried to find the I don't think they put out the spread yet because it's week one and they don't know enough yet. Oh, maybe they don't put the spread out till after Sunday. I think they're playing the Falcons next week. Ooh,

Southern rivalry. All right. Well, but this women's tennis is so fucking exciting. You get these two young girls playing. Okay. Well, they both happen to be Asian, which is great for the sport. Where are they from?

Well, they were both, here's the crazy thing, is they were both born in Canada. And one of them then was raised in England. Oh, wow. Raducano was raised in England. And then Fernandez was, is a Canadian, I believe she's French-Canadian. But her ancestry is her father is like Ecuadorian and the mother is Filipino.

And the Rata Kanu, the father is Romanian, Romanian, and the mother is Chinese, Chinese. Wow. I'm reading that wrong off the page. It's hard for me to recount at what point I checked out of that description, but all I heard was Canadian. So they're 18 and 19. The odds on either one of them winning was like 200 to 1 before the tournament started. Not only that, Fernandez actually had to qualify. No, Raducanu had to qualify. She had to go.

Oh, Raducanu, yes.u had to qualify. She had to go. Oh, Radhikandru, yes. She had to qualify. So, she's been in New York for like over three weeks playing matches every other day, nonstop. Wow. And she hasn't lost a set, not a single set. All right, I'm going to bet on the Asian chick. Are we moving on? I guess so. S on the Asian chick. Are we moving on? I guess so.

Signing me with science. Also, Djokovic can make history tomorrow being the winner of the most Grand Slam titles, I believe, right? Isn't that true? Yeah, and the best part is the crowd has never gotten behind him. They're always, whenever he's playing Nadal or Federer, he's always the underdog. Yeah, those guys are more likable.

But they give it up because some of those matches have been extraordinary. And they just have such fight in them, especially when he's playing Nadal. It's unbelievable. Well, the thing is about Djokovic is if you're going to go five sets with him, you're going to lose. He gets better and better the longer he goes. Don't tell that to Mr. Rafael Nadal. Why? Nadal has beaten him in some five sets. It's incredible. Yeah, it's incredible.

He's lost like one five-set match in four and a half years or something, I heard yesterday. That is absolutely, I bet, false. But anyway- I'll bet you $400. You will not bet me $400. Nope, I won't. Okay, science. This is going to be a quick one. NASA's Perseverance rover, that's the name of the rover, uncovers potentially habitable, sustained environment.

That's a quote on Mars. The article went on to say that the rover has collected puzzle pieces of Mars history. Yeah. So it's already discovered a lot of Mars history as it's roving around. And just this week, it removed the statue of Robert E. Lee. They had Robert E. Lee there also? Also. Yeah, because it's a red planet.

Wow. Wow. Yeah, so they removed it. It's pretty advanced, actually. Did the people on Mars remove it, or are you saying that NASA removed it? No, they were dead set against it. Oh, they fought against it. It's the colonists. It's us.

It's the Yankee colonists. What are the colors on Mars that are controversial? Because here it's black and white. Well, it's a red planet, as I said. So I don't know if they know that yet. Yeah. Meaning I can't think fast enough of a good joke. Yeah.

All right. Then we're going to skip business. And we're going to go to this day in history we already covered. It's September 11th. Yeah. It's September 11th. Yeah. So at 8.45 a.m. was the first plane, it turns out. Wow.

It was 110 stories, the World Trade Center. I ate dinner up there many times, actually, because my dad, we had two family reunions up there when, um, when, uh, relatives came in from Ireland. Uh, like one came, they became like construction workers for the summer and all this. And then like their, their mom and dad came over and joined. Anyway, my just dad thought that's the best way to show them New York. And especially looking down at the statue of Liberty where their uncle, who was my dad's father, came through Ellis Island. So anyway, it was called Windows on the World. And I'd say two or three times I ate in that restaurant. And it was pretty extraordinary being 110 stories up, having dinner, which at that time was pretty rare on this planet.

Yeah. I was friends with some people that died. There's a company called Cantor Fitzgerald. Do you remember hearing about that company? Oh, of course. They had like three floors up there. Right. They had three floors.

And I had started this foundation for the Jerry. Here, here's a poster of the comedy benefit that I used to produce a show for. That's Jimi Hendrix. Oh, there. See, we used to do shows at Town Hall every year. And that particular year, 2004, we had Dave Attell, Louis Black, Patrice O'Neill, Judy Gold, Colin Quinn, and Artie Lang. We used to have these crazy lineups. We had, oh, God, we had Jay Leno one time.

We had Jon Stewart. Anyway, so Cancer Fitzgerald was, we did it for my friend Jerry Red Wilson, who died. And so we started doing benefits for spinal meningitis. And Cancer Fitzgerald was our main sponsor. They were friends with Jerry. He was friends with a couple of the guys from the company. And they would buy out all the loges. We would sell out the loge seats, and they would buy them all out.

And they would come backstage, and we'd have an after party. They threw an after party for us, and I got to know a bunch of them. Yeah, every one of them that I knew died. It's crazy. I told you when Sophie studied it at Santa Monica high school anyway it was 9-11 it was probably last year and she came back and she's like kind of like you know a little like shocked the professor showed the teacher showed them footage so she's telling me about I'm saying I'm listening and she's telling me about, I'm saying, I'm

listening. And she's like, no, it was unbelievable. And like, you know, when the cameras got close and you know, she's like, um, she said, and you could see like this footage. And I remember the new footage had come out where you were anyway, she goes, and it was just so loud. And I'm like, oh no, I know. And like the bodies like would hit the awnings and stuff. And she's like, what? And I'm like, yeah, the body. And all of a sudden I realized, I'm like, no, what? And she's like, wait, what was loud?

I'm like, nothing. What were you saying was loud? She's like, when the towers fell. And I'm like, right. No, yeah, that was really loud. She's like, no, no, but what are you said bodies? And I'm like, I tried to back out of it so hard. Oh, God.

Mission unaccomplished. Jesus. Kind of like George Bush's mission in the Mideast. Let's get to letters. Let's do some letters to the editor. By the way, if you want to write in to us, send them all to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. We read and respond to all your mail.

I should say I do. Yes, Greg does. And we love to hear from you. We obviously love your submissions for music and logos. And this one comes from Joe, a guy named Joe. I seem to have a crush on these guys. Oh, Joanne. Oh, okay.

Joanne, okay. I was going. Oh, Joanne. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. I was going to say, Joanne has some competition. There's a new rooster in the hen house. This is, uh,

from Brian. My Berkeley college of music roommate in 89, 90 was a huge kiss fan. His whole life was kiss. I grew to hate them on a whole new level during those years. He is currently Ace Frehley's tour manager and he co-wrote Ace's book which means that John sat at a computer and said, remember when you

did this and wrote it down regardless of whether Ace remembered it or not? Take care, Brian. Jesus Christ. That's his dream come true. Wow. That's like my friend was a huge Van Halen fan, and then he started scalping tickets for their shows, and somehow he became friends with them.

And he used to tell me about going to these fucking Coke parties backstage at Van Halen. Like he'd go city to city with them, just selling tickets and doing Coke with fucking eddie van halen wow yeah that i mean the van halen scene i guess kiss is seen as well right i mean i don't know they were all pretty crazy you know what are you gonna do do they stay in makeup after the show or do they have to spend an hour cleaning makeup off and then all of a sudden you don't recognize him. Cause he doesn't look like the kitty cat when it didn't do one of the dresses,

a kitty cat, Jesus Christ. One of them did dress as a kitty cat. And you know what? I bet one backstage it wasn't the same was, uh, at Genesis shows because, um, it's a stranger to you and me. It's so strange to you and me. All right. Deep callback. That was way, I had to go way up in the script.

I can't remember that stupid line of their song. Ron says, hey now. It sounded like you guys bought the real life paper crinkling back to Sunday Papers last episode. You got it, Pally. After the previous episode, I was super bummed that you were saying you might just farm it out to Chris Maga Denman to edit it in later. I love when you guys have to find some paper laying around somewhere, like the one Mike was in the backseat of his car at a hotel and found a paper bag.

Yeah, we're inventive, man. That's how it happens. You want a legal pad crunch? Want me to give you a legal pad crunch right now? Here you go. Does that sound legal? A printer cartridge. What else could I do?

I'm going to do a little sock. That's like ASMR or whatever it's called. Here's a rubber band snapping. What else do I have? Some stiff underwear? Oh, God, I wish I had to fart right now. That would be so amazing. That would be pretty cool stuff.

This guy, Martin, who's from Germany, he said the Florida man sounds like someone from Bavaria. Those Bavarians. Stupid Southeast. I didn't realize that. In Germany, that's their Florida. It's always the South. There's always the Southern part's always a southern part right not in canada although i guess yeah everything we know about canada is the south of canada but um and south it's new fees that's who they that's who their idiots are oh that's right

yeah newfoundlanders yep new fees this guy sean said i wanted to write you a note and tell you not to take any individual listeners feedback as a representation of all listeners' feedback, except mine in this letter, of course. So did he write a note or no? The one guy writes to complain he doesn't want to hear politics, COVID talk, and skips past it. He needs to be reminded that this is not a personalized podcast for him. personalized podcast for him for example when you guys babbled on for days about whether or not woody allen fucked his cousin i just i just skipped forward i didn't write in and complain he got the skipping part correct but messed up the part where he wrote in love listening to you guys any of your flaws mistakes are overshadowed by the fact that this is a free podcast keep it up sean

overshadowed by the fact that this is a free podcast. Keep it up, Sean. Sean, thank you so much. Now, listen, Woody, I'm not saying you didn't do it. I'm just saying the documentary was imbalanced. Oh, stop. All right. This guy, this is from Larexa is her name. Is that a new drug that cures impotence and irritable bowel syndrome?

That's Prorexa, not Larexa. All right. You all mentioned something about fire trucks having a device to stop traffic and have all the green lights. This is true. I did. I did. I am a paramedic, and we use what's called Opticon on the ambulance. It turns the oncoming light green and give a red light to all other traffic.

Blah, blah, blah. I'll add. I need that. I need that for the cannonball run I'm going to enter, man. I'd like to add a few other things. Number one. I'm 33. Number one. I live in West Virginia. I have all of my teeth and live in a house with all utilities.

Is this a woman? And you also write number one twice. All right. I'm a female is Yes, and you also write number one twice. All right. I'm a female is number two. Number three is I'm black. Oh. Number four is I miss Ireland. No. Oh, wait. Number four is syphilis is way cooler to study than herpes. To study, okay. That means. Paramedic is a paramedic, black female paramedic in West Virginia who has all her teeth. This is a unicorn. Number five is I love you, Mike and Greg, four exclamation points. You guys make me laugh. And the podcast has been a type of meditation for me. In fact, I tell my fiance not to bother me when I'm listening to Sunday papers. He understands. It's kind of like that Opticon. You just turn the red light to him and the green light to fucking Sunday papers, he understands. It's kind of like that opticon. You just turn the red light to him

and the green light to fucking Sunday papers. Larexa, well played slipping the fiance word in there. We get it loud and clear, okay? After you teased Mike with all the other data. Yeah, really? Jeez, all your teeth? All right, way to run up the score. All right, Laresca.

Chris Dillman said, while it not technically qualify as a current mascot, the high school mascot in Pekin, Illinois might merit a mention. Years ago, I worked with someone from the town and didn't believe her about their mascot until I looked it up. They used the name Pekin Cock until 1980. Well, it's Pekin C asterisk asterisk. It could be Pekin Cunt. I'm assuming it's Pekin Cock. You didn't look this

thing up? Until 1980, after which they changed it to the Pekin Dragons. Not only did they use the name for the local high school mascot, they used it for the local skating rink, too. Wait, Pekin Cox wouldn't make sense. Peekin' Cunts would make sense. Yeah, I would think so.

And I'd bet on them. It sounds like number 87 at the Shanghai Diner. Although it's not their mascot anymore, my coworker claimed the local trophy store will still print Peekin' Cox T-shirts and other items for class reunions. Yeah, I think that business will print anything you ask them to generally. Of course they will.

Yeah. I can get a guy here in Venice to do it. Can Chris look up what this Pekin team name was? I know they're now the Dragons, but... What was your high school's mascot? The Bearded Dragons. No, they weren't. No, they were not. They were the Bears. The bearded dragons. No, they weren't. No, they were not.

They were the bears. The bears. Berkshire bears. I think it was just for alliteration because, although there are a lot of bears around there, and now more than ever, they're like pests. There's all these rules on how to put your garbage out. Well, now there's, we went to BU, it was the Terriers. That was a fucking terrible name

the terriers might be the worst name yeah i mean what did they do like they looked at another school and they're like oh i get it oh they're the bulldogs okay yeah guys let's just uh what do you think poodles or terriers okay let's go terriers las apspsos? The BU Las Apsos. What lap dog? Can we... Yeah. Yeah. Let's pick a dog that gets fucked by the other dogs. Let's go to obituaries.

Oh, sorry. Hold on. All right. And that's all, folks. Well, we've talked a lot about death today. This is a death heavy. We did talk a lot about death, yeah. So we'll just skip through this quick.

It happened early last week. Michael K. Williams, an actor best known for his portrayal of stick-up man Omar Little in the HBO drama The Wire. I mean. Holy shit. Right, exactly. My friend is a director, and he worked with him on on a film and he said the guy would show up. I mean, I think he died a drug, a drug overdose or something like that. But this guy was truly he was from I think he was from Brooklyn and he really was from a rough and tumble background.

And he used to show up to set on this movie having stayed out all night doing drugs and then he said and then he would fucking nail it he's super talented yeah um he said nothing but great he was just he said he was great to everybody um so anyway he did a lot of other stuff he started off as a as a uh dancer he danced with madonna and george michael wow a bar fight on his 25th birthday left him with a prominent scar on his face a distinction that made him perfect for roles playing criminals and lowlifes uh he also played a uh a boardwalk empire he played albert chalky white do you remember that guy i didn't watch boardwalk empire such a great show no i know i want to see it he was in love cat lovecraft country alias community um anyway goodbye michael i know sad. Very sad. Like when he was on air, you just saw, I mean, maybe it's because of the scar or it just wasn't the typical actor, you know, type appearance.

And it was more than the scar. He was just this, you know, real, there was a gravity to him. And that's why, I mean, especially those roles he would get are, you know, weighty, weighty roles. And he was amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So how come you didn't watch Boardwalk Empire? You know, I started it. I think I was probably watching something else at the time. I really liked the pilot. I love Steve Buscemi. You know, the period piece, they seem to nail that. I don't know. Keep in mind, I also have only made it to season two of The Wire, so I have real, real lapses and there's some holes in my viewing. I got to go. I got to catch up. Okay. Thank you.

All right, let's get to the Sunday comics. There it is. All right. First of all, Chris Denman has just inserted some news about the Pekin

mascot. He said, from the Chinese American Museum of Chicago website, they were the Pekin, I don't even know if I can say it,

C-H-I-N-K-S until 1981. Well, you just spelled it, fella. Thought they were the exact opposite of the Pekin China. Wow. What's the idea there? That's weird. what's the idea there? That's weird.

So Pekin, that was the name of the city so then they went with their almost namesake. We have to look into this. Yeah, that's crazy. Wow. Okay. All right. Hag of the Horrible.

There it is. Back to rape. Helga is sitting with a friend at a table. They're having a couple of drinks at a bar. Mm-hmm. And she holds out her hand and she's got a ring on it. She goes, Hager gave me this family ring. And the woman says, it's gorgeous.

Did it belong to his mother? Helga goes, no, it belonged to the king's mother. So he raped the king's mother. I don't know if you can jump to that conclusion what are you talking about it's hack of the horrible all right i guess but greg abbott might already be on the case yeah uh he could be rewriting history too yeah all right what do we got here leroy the lock. The Lockhorns. Leroy's having a rough day. He's in his slippers.

He's fucking five o'clock shadowed. He's got a mug of coffee. And as he shuffles past, and that can only be described as a shuffle, Loretta is talking to her friend at the table, and she goes, they broke the mold first, then used it to make Leroy. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke.

I like it. It's a solid fucking joke. In the next one, she says to Leroy, you need to learn to laugh at yourself, Leroy. I can't do it alone. Again, a joke. That's a good one. All right. You want me to do the family circus before Blondie? Yeah. I mean, whatever. We can make this quick. Okay. The mom's opening a door and one of the little kids is coming in the redhead with his baseball bat, and he's dirty in his baseball cap.

Presumably he's returning from a game, and the little boy is there, and the dog and the mom are greeting him, and he says, I got a hit, but somebody caught it before it hit the ground. Not his worst comic. Really? Not his worst comic. Really? Not his worst. Okay, he comes in the door, and he has shorts on, and he has a basketball. And he's like, I took a shot, but it didn't go in.

That works for you also? No, because that's illogical. This is logical. I got a hit, but somebody caught it before it hit the ground. What do you mean? So took a hit, but somebody caught it before it hit the ground. Wait, what do you mean? So it took a shot, but it missed. Well, what's the difference? It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. Come on.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. Oh, my God. All right. How about the mom looking kind of hot? She's got those 70s retro gym shorts on. Yeah, her boobs are hanging kind of low, too. Oh, yeah. She's got D-cups.

Oh, wow. Okay. Speaking of D-cups, Blondie laughs at D-cups. There we go. She mocks women with D-cups. They're tiny to her. They're in bed. She's reading a magazine, once again like if i'm in bed with blondie

that magazine is on the floor in a pile because i swatted it out of her hand before taking her like a man and instead instead dagwood in his fucking donut pajamas sits up and goes, whoa, I was just dreaming that I was an honor student in high school. And Blondie goes, and, you know, patronizingly, that sounds like a fun dream, dear. I mean, how does she how does she tolerate his fucking babble? And she and he goes, not really. My boss was the school bully and he hated honor students and she just looks at him like are you seeing me have you taken me in am i alive in this marriage is there any vibrancy left in this union or are you a fucking donut pajama wearing zero who doesn't know how to

throw a move on a woman who's got on a chartreuse frilly negligee and is killing time with a magazine if that woman has a magazine in her hand you are failing in your fucking duties as a husband yep god it sounds like he had a dream about back to the future. Right? Yeah. But she's very tolerant. Meanwhile, I think you covered this. I was kind of half listening. But keep in mind, she's awake reading a magazine while he's snoring away.

Yeah, that's weird also, I thought. That's her life. Yeah. Yeah. He just eats and sleeps. That's all he does. Sounds pretty good. It sounds like he hit the jackpot.

All right. Well, listen, folks, don't forget, if you have friends in the Sacramento area, give them the shout out. We're going to be doing the show live on Saturday at 4 p.m. Wow. Come see the show as well. Mike's going to do a couple of guest spots on the Saturday night shows. I've decided. Am I? Yeah.

All right. Why not? Is that weird? All right, we'll talk about it. I'd have to write some material. Yeah, well, hopefully, you know, I won't make fun of you for it.

Oh, well, look at this book ending, the podcast today. Yeah. All right, we'll listen. All right, Sacramento, man, I'm psyched. We're going to have fun.

Chris Denman, thank you for producing the show. Keith, thanks for editing the show. Beth Hoops, thanks for promoting the show. Everybody at Midcoast Media. We also want to thank you guys for the support. We have had a nice spike in numbers recently. And we want to continue that. So tell your friends.

Spread the word. Like the show. I don't know what you do. You go on Apple Podcasts and you subscribe. Keep subscribed. Keep the numbers up. And we promise to keep delivering you solid podcasts week in and week out for free. Look at that.

Anything you want to promote? Wow. I should write that down during the week. There's a lot of things I'm like, oh, I heard Shine On You Crazy Diamond, that song. That is pretty great. Yeah.

It's a long one. I don't remember how I heard it, but wow. It's like, that's a ballsy, great song. Yeah. 90% instrumental. Yeah. And Pink Floyd is one of those bands, you can just revisit them. You can always find something in one of their songs that you didn't hear before. There's that exhibit. I might go see it in LA. They have a Pink Floyd exhibit. Oh, I'll go. Let's go. I would go to that. Do you remember

the planetarium on the West side at the Museum of Natural History? Yeah, the Hayden Planetarium. Pink Floyd laser show. Yeah, we used to go to that. It was like 11 o'clock at night, wasn't it? It was late. And everyone, they sold pot outside. Like the dealers knew what they were doing.

Yeah. And if you lucked out and didn't buy a bag of oregano, you could get high before going in. And a lot of New York City kids would do it. All the tourists were gone. You know, it was nighttime and they would play. And then they also had a Led Zeppelin one. Yeah, right. I remember vividly sitting in there in the Led Zeppelin one.

You lean back, you're in the planetarium. And then these constellations were up there. And all of a sudden it was, I think it was a communication breakdown and two phones appeared in the stars. It was like, don, don, don, don, don, don. And you're just like, no, like even saying it now, I would pay, I'd pay a hundred dollars to go to that show right now. I would, too. Jesus. I mean, are you kidding me? I know.

And even then, stoned, with my mind being blown by communication breakdown in the constellations, I still couldn't wrap my head around infinity. But now I do. Now you get it. And there's life out there. Now you got it. Yeah. All right, folks.

We'll see you next week. Thanks for hanging with us. Take it eesh! Take it eesh! Read all about it. Read it. Live it. Think about it. Discuss it. It's the Sauteed Papers. Sauteed Papers Podcast.

Sucker. Holy fuck. holy fuck that's what it used to be in the old days um