Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 81 9/19/21

Episode Date: September 19, 2021

Our 1st LIVE PODCAST! From the stage of the Sacramento Punchline we bring you a loving tribute to Norm MacDonald, discuss Bill Cosby and Ellen’s comebacks and audience members give us local news stories from SAC Town.

So I take papers with my career They talk about a man who crashed in his car They'll read about it, no need to doubt it Sit back and relax, take your good facts from these guys Then say good-bye. Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na. Hey, now.

What's happening? The Sunday Paper subscribers. We got a bunch over there. Those are the non-vaccinated people. That's the joke? That's the joke. You try a microphone, Mike. There you go.

I'm a little prone. Well, super fans, I imagine. Yeah, thank you for making that. Mike actually got in his car this morning at what time? Seven-ish. Left L.A. at seven. Got here about an hour ago. Yeah, yeah.

I took a dump in Modesto. So that's one off the bucket list. Isn't that a Johnny Cash song? Yeah. And then in Sacramento, I stopped at a burger king and got an impossible whopper wow which is the you know what an impossible whopper is right so when i pull up to the window they're like uh uh here's your fake meat queer did they beat the shit out of you i felt felt that way. I was sandwiched between a giant pickup truck and a Mustang.

I'm like, can I get my plant burger? But now I'm drinking liquid death. Yeah, look at this. Canned water. Is this not the end of the fucking civilization? Are they a sponsor? They will be. Well, I doubt it because I'm about to talk about them.

It's a strong product name. Mike, by the way, we were backstage. Oh, from the Alps, from Austria. Ooh. So not only are you wasting metal and pulling water from an area that probably needs it, but then you're shipping it halfway across the earth. Also a pro-Holocaust country selling liquid death. I don't know.

I mean, do they have marketing executives over there? We're turning into an amateur Holocaust country over here. All volunteer. Look at us storming the Capitol. Look at this thing behind us. Two white guys this close to the Capitol. I don't trust us. Should have come up draped in the flag.

capital i don't trust us right again should have come up draped in the flag um so we're backstage and mike pulled out his uh pill box and usually a pill box has days of the week and each day is the pills you take on that day mike's pill box monday is filled with viagra that's not true to tuesday is riddle and he's got his He's got his pills in different days of the week. No, I just put all pills in there, but then I can't. A lot of them are really similar. The point is he has a tummy ache, and his stomach is either about to be settled or he's going to fall asleep because it's Ambien.

He can't tell which. Yeah. Well, I took two, so I might fall asleep with an erection. And I don't have a tummy ache It's from my voice Which I always lose As the listeners know So it's an acid reflux thing

Oh Did you tell them that At Burger King In Modesto Hey guys Easy on the mayo Alright Are we done?

So shout out to, I'm going to give a shout out to Dr. Levitt in New York City, Lenox Hospital, who did open heart surgery on my mother yesterday. And she came out

with flying colors. She had a bypass and they gave her a new valve because it was leaking. And so now she's faster than ever. And, you know, just happy. Just want to put out good vibes. I'm hearing a delay over there.

Yeah, what's the delay? I bet it is. Now let me turn down the sound. That's my cell phone. So if you guys see any texts coming, just let me know. We are a high-tech operation here. I know, you're going to find out. For the listeners of the regular podcast, meaning not video,

my cell phone is duct-taped to a mic stand on the stage here in Sacktown. Yes, and we've got a camera on us. Another cell phone, your cell phone. Yeah. I'm a comedian, and I get texts from other comedians that are... You know, we try to say the worst, horrible... A lot of dicks.

Holocaust, homophobic, racist shit to each other for shock value, and that'll be popping up on that screen as we're... Yeah. From Dave Attell or somebody else. I mean, it's kind of an honor. You're going to see Bill Burr's cock

in a couple of minutes. So... I actually, and we haven't thought this through, I had text on there from some writers from a show I did with Norm MacDonald, and I was going to read them now. I'll just have to try to remember them. Yeah, we're going to talk a lot about

Norm. If you're a fan of the show, you know that Norm has been an important part of both of our lives, was, and will be very dearly missed. It's been a heavy week thinking about him, but also a week filled with looking at, I mean, thank God. You know, you can curse the Internet all you want, but when you get to look at Norm MacDonald YouTube clips for four days straight, what a joy that is. That'll always be there. I think grandkids, great-grandkids will watch Norm MacDonald and say, wow, this guy was one of the greatest that's ever done it. How about a round of applause for Norm MacDonald, everybody?

Also, it's funny, the way things are going, it's like you look at old Rickles clips Or whoever you want to look at and funny is funny But I wonder if norms will almost get edgier as the way this you know shit shows going with PC culture like In a weird way people will look back like what you know yeah Some of the shit that said at the Comedy Central roast like I can't imagine You know in 10 years, people aren't going to be like, what fucking country was this in?

And Norm's, I don't know if you saw Norm when he did the roast. He came out, when he did Bob Saget's roast, he did really corny jokes that nobody laughed at. And I was, like, fascinated. I was like, where did these jokes come from? So I researched it it and in an interview with some like college newspaper he he told them that sagat had kept asking him to do

the roast and he wasn't into it because he said i'm just not that kind of comic i don't come up and say you know chloris leachman's pussy should be put in a fucking finish it uh Yeah, sure. In a wax museum. Yeah, in a Comedy Central show. And so finally he agreed after being pestered, so the day of, he hadn't decided what he would do on the roast.

He had this book that his father had sent him when he first started doing stand-up comedy, and it was jokes for old people. And he said to somebody, I'm only going to do jokes out of this book. And he just committed and

nobody laughed. And nobody laughed. And then somebody told me that Comedy Central, being the bastion of great taste in comedy that they are, put a laugh track after the Sir, you heard about this? John Lovitz has an interview where he talks about it.

And if you watch it, John Lovitz is the only one rolling on the floor laughing. Yes. He knew what Norm was doing. OK, so Lovitz is laughing. And then Comedy Central didn't want there to be silence. So they put laughs. They're the fucking, well, whatever.

I shouldn't say anything because I'm trying to sell shows to them. But they're a great network. But sometimes there's some errors in judgment. No, TV misjudged Norm all the time. Well, did Lovitz also mention it was cut down a lot? Yeah. It was actually way more painful than what we see, which is a painfully long spread of bad jokes.

If you remember, when everybody else was going on, he was sitting there reading a newspaper. Yeah. Oh, he's reading a newspaper, right, right. But at the ESPYs, which he has one of his most famous jokes ever, he didn't know, but they would put the people he was doing jokes about behind him. So people would all of a sudden be kind of claps.

And a couple times you could see him kind of confused because he just delivered this weird joke. And then there was sort of a different reaction than he expected because they were producing it the wrong way. But I think some of my favorite clips of Norm is when he was the guest one down on the couch. So Conan would be interviewing somebody, and he would be just peppering the interview with insults and just asides. And the best one was, and I'm sure most of you have seen this one,

but I just have to mention it because I loved it was he is Conan's interviewing this woman who has just done a movie with Carrot Top and Norm had a thing about Carrot Top he used to shit on him all the time which is so mean because

what's Carrot Top doing to anybody but Norm just thought he represented everything that was wrong with comedy. This is like a big break for her being on Conan and he keeps taking shots at him and then finally the interview ends and Conan's wrapping it up and he goes, okay, so go see

Carrot Top and so and so in Courtney Thornsmith in Chairman of the Board. Go ahead, Norm. Try to make fun of that. And Norm goes, is it spelled Chairman of the B-O-R-E-D? Well, he had already hit her tear each time and twice. One was, she goes, well, it's kind of like Nine and a Half Weeks, that very sexy movie from the 80s or 90s.

She's like, it's kind of like Nine and a Half Weeks, but with carrot top. And he's like, is it called Nine and a Half Seconds? That was the first one. And then the second one was Conan said oh it probably doesn't have a title yet. He's like I have a good title for it if it stars Carrot Top. Box Off is Poison.

Poor interviewer. He was amazing Norm was yeah I mean a real hero to a lot an idol for a lot of us oh is this the podcast

yeah this is our script which anyway yeah we could go we could talk about Norm the whole time well one of the I wanted to talk about

a couple things oh just a couple quotes that I wrote down one was when he was on Weekend Update, this is one of his famous jokes,

is quote, yippee, Jerry Rubin died this week. And then he looked down and he apologized for his mistake and said, that should read, yippee, Jerry Rubin died this week. So he said, here's some of the things he said. When the fucking sickle of death is over my goddamn neck, I'm going to be so cowardly, I'm afraid of going on Ferris wheels and shit. I'm not going to be brave.

Which the irony is, he was incredibly brave. For nine years, he lived with cancer. We don't know what kind of cancer it is. I've heard rumors that it was incredibly brave. For nine years, he lived with cancer. We don't know what kind of cancer it is. I've heard rumors that it was leukemia. But it should be noted, you've heard that rumor from no one in the business. No, there's somebody outside of the business I heard it from. Because nobody in the business knew anything, which is remarkable.

Yeah. I get a hangnail and I fucking tweet about it. But he was scared of a lot. He was correct in that. Norm never, ever drove a car, never had a driver's license, and always would quote the statistics on that, on how it's one of the biggest killers, especially back in the 80s. Anyway, yeah, he was afraid of a

lot of things so except offending people right yeah and this is this always this always kind of resonates with me but this is how he described being a stand-up comedian he said it's a shabby business made up of shabby fellows like me who cross the country stay in shabby hotels and tell of shabby fellows like me who cross the country, stay in shabby hotels and tell jokes they no longer find funny. Yeah. Yeah. As I was sitting

in my shabby fucking hotel today. And we're here. By the way, we should give a shout out to the Punchline. How about a nice hand for the folks here that are so great in helping us get set up, and they're so supportive. This is a real A room. This is one of my favorite rooms to play.

And Omar, the manager, who helped us a lot. But the hotel is, I think in 1971 it was considered passable. It's shag carpeting. So this is probably inappropriate. So I pull up into the parking lot like 20 minutes ago, and there's a handicap spot, but I'm just checking in. And normally, whatever, I would probably just leave it there quick, keep an eye on it.

I had the thought, as appropriately as possible. Well, you have acid reflux. No, but I had I had I don't even think it's called handy I mean otherly abled

I forget what it is now but I had one of those placards because my Achilles blew out so I had that for like four months and it was the best thing ever

like that's when you go to Dodger games or concerts it's like front row I remember going to Dodger Stadium I'm like

is that Mattingly's car it was like the manager's car was next door so i'm like is that mattingly's car it was like the manager's car was next door so i'm like i'm like he's not disabled so um anyway i pull up and whatever i'm just going to blurt it out so my i had a thought which i which began in a good place which was i better not do that here sacramento probably has a way more handicapped people. And I'm like, wait a minute. It's as if I'm a passenger.

Like, what the fuck did you just think? And I'm like, well. And then I literally was having a conversation with myself. I'm like, no, what I meant was there's way more. There's probably more farm accidents and heavy heavy machinery accidents and then there's probably also a lot more like fireworks blowing off fingers and shit like that so anyway that was run over in many malls so that was my thought and i'm like you know i mean i bet i bet you could do studies i bet there is you know in a rural especially farm whatever i'm digging myself holes. So this is the capital of California, Mike. Oh, yeah. No, I know.

So I read about the recall. So I don't park there. And I'm like, that was really bad that I even had that thought. So then I go in and she's like, well, listen, we only have one room available. And it's this handy, you know, whatever, ADA, American Disability, ADA room. I'm like, all right, alright well what's that so anyway do I get the spot with the room right I should have said that

so I go in and it's the smallest most first of all I don't even know why I don't even know how a wheelchair fits in there but I then try to shower quick this story is going nowhere I then try to shower quick and it's a giant, you know,

where you could roll your wheelchair up. I mean, the bathroom's bigger than the room. And so I turn on the water. I turn it all the way hot, and it takes for fucking ever for the hot water to get there. And as I'm standing there naked, just staring at the most depressing bathroom ever, I'm like, oh, my God, the God, the poor guy or girl in a wheelchair

has already gotten naked, probably with a helper, and now they're both standing there like, hmm. Well, one of them's standing, and they're just like, oh, you don't have to make small talk as this incredibly awkward situation is unfolding. Anyway, so, yeah, good karma. All right. Oh, wait, I'll finish by telling one Norm story, which I think is really, I think it's very interesting.

It blew me away. So in seeing all these tributes, a lot of people compare notes and are like, yeah, like even I listened to the Conan podcast on Norm, which he put out this week and it's great i recommend it but even then i'm like i think andy missed that you know that explanation of norm and i've and i've found like there's been a lot of missed explanations and and that's the problem is when you try to peg them down everyone's going to be wrong so i grew up and maybe for uh comedy fans or people want to be writers who listen to our podcast and they write in this might be very interesting but I just Norm's voice hit me like it did every like like everyone first saw him on tv as a as a the SNL host and and I would

see him on Letterman also early on and it just resonated me like any like picture your favorite band I mean just the first time you heard them and it just resonated me like any like picture your favorite band I mean just the first time you heard them and it just really resonated with me and so I just wanted that voice I couldn't get enough of it it was like I studied it I lived it it was my favorite thing uh fast forward 20 years and I had the honor to create co-create a show with Norm and some others and uh and I'm also his head writer which is easily my career high point for sure my proudest moment so i'm in the writer's room with norm late one night it's just the two of us and the reviews start to come in and i'm like do you want me to you want

me to read like here's the hollywood report reveling do you want me to read him he's like yeah sure so i read the first one the first line was uh norm mcdonald's back with his trademark sarcastic wit and he's like uh and i'm like i go i think this might actually be a good one why and he's like no it's just they always say that i'm like say what and he's like they always say i'm sarcastic and i i kind of i hate that and i'm like what do you and i'm just like i agreed with it i'm like what are you talking about and this is a guy who thought he knew his voice better than anybody, who had proved myself with packets, can I be your head writer? Do I get you? And all green lights.

And he's like, well, I actually try to never be sarcastic. And I wanted to say, what the fuck are you talking about? And he's like, sarcasm is really easy. And he goes, I try to do the opposite i try to like just say the truth and i wanted to say something and then all of a sudden like in a movie where the zoom comes in and the background pushes like where the guy realizes who the killer is or like all of a sudden i played back it was just like lisa marie presley and michael jackson are divorcing it turns out she's more a stay-at-home type, and he's more of a homosexual pedophile.

Kenny G has a new Christmas album. Happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap. And, I mean, Heisman Trophy, they'll never take that away from you unless you kill your wife in a waiter. None of them are sarcastic. Every time he found jokes which were really hard to find for him

where it was true. And then his bar was so high. I think the best joke that was ever created in that writer's room, I wish I knew who wrote it. It was not me. But it was a sports show with Norm MacDonald. So we were limited to the sports,

which he did not limit himself to in the end. We did tons of jokes on everything. The best joke, one of, that I recall, was the Sports Illustrated was going to come up with the 100 best NBA shots of all time. It was a typical Norm list joke, like he did with Crack Whore, and the worst jobs in the country.

Anyway, same type of format, and it goes, and then coming in at number one of the best NBA shots of all time, whatever fucking shot Magic Johnson takes every morning. And I couldn't wait to read it to him, and he rejected it. And he was like, he doesn't take a shot. And I'm like, don't you fucking do that. And he's like, it's a cocktail.

And he's like, it just doesn't. And he wouldn't do it, no matter how hard we tried to talk him into it. Meanwhile, 20 years later, you will. At a comedy club in a mini mall next to a mattress store. Yep, save that one. Saved it. Worth it. But it's also, again, I learned to undersell him.

Back to your point, when Comedy Central was like, we want you to rip Saget apart, really go for it. And he goes, oh, got it. Note taken. I'm going to do the opposite. Right. Well, the beauty of him getting this job was that we had, and I'm sure people who listen to the podcast have heard

this story but i'm going to say it again because it was pretty formative in our lives is um when i started doing stand-up i'd been doing it for like maybe four or five years and i got to open for norm in boston where i was based out of at the time and he came in and he was on weekend update for just a couple years and i just thought he was the greatest. And I saw him start out the weekend on a Thursday with rough just notes written on pieces of paper. And it was rough. And he kind of did okay. And then the next night it did extremely well. And then by Saturday night he was fucking killing.

It was like a new hour. I saw him create in front of my eyes. And he was hanging out backstage and he was just the nicest guy to hang out with. And then he said to me at the end of the weekend, he goes, hey, you're a really good writer. He said, I would love it if you would submit jokes for Weekend Update.

Because they had a fax thing where you would fax them in and you got like 50 bucks a joke if you scored a joke. And there was a bunch of, you know, there's a limited number of people that were asked to fax. So I was very honored. I said, great, so he gives me the fax number. I come back to New York, and I say to Mike,

I go, you're going to do this with me. We're going to fax jokes for Norm Macdonald. Yeah, you couldn't stop. I mean, when I heard that, it was like we got the best job in the world, which was going to be 100% unpaid and on our own time. Right. So every Thursday night, we lived in New York at the time, and I lived in Little Italy on a six-floor walk-up, and he was on a five-floor walk-up a couple blocks over.

And on Thursday nights, we would get Chinese food, and we would sit in the apartment, and we would write jokes all night. Just go through the newspapers and the magazines, write jokes, punch them up, polish them, rewrite them. And then at the end of the night, we'd put together like the 20 best jokes and we would like very carefully, fastidiously, fax them in to Norm MacDonald at Saturday Night Live. Like we'd watch the last one go in and be like, oh my God.

And then Saturday would come. And we'd sit in front of the TV. And five times a Saturday, we'd be like, this is it. Because, of course, people had the same setups as us. And they were like, oh, no, that wasn't that. No. Ours was better, wasn't it? Yeah.

And so a week goes by. Two weeks. Three weeks. Nothing. Four weeks. Nothing. 20 weeks. We go by.

We do this for like three or four months. Every fucking week. Nothing gets on. And we finally just go, go you know what we just are not funny we're not meant to do this for a living and then cut to 20 years later mike is his co-creator and head writer and he brings up to him during the first we will tell him the conversation well i go you know i'm embarrassed i didn't say this in my interviews with you but i didn't want to seem like such a fan boy geek which is what i am but i go and i told him that story and he's like you're kidding me and he goes you know as you've seen i have like an ocd i can't pass the fax machine and it's true he reads every he will read jokes he'll stay there that's why

we were there late that night he will stay and just read everything he's like he's like tell me something like oh well there's kind of a well you finish it because you're the one who got it. He basically said, I read all the jokes and I can tell you for a fact, I never got a joke faxed to me from Greg Fitzsimmons. He'd given me the wrong fax number. And we were faxing to probably some Wall Street douchebag who was getting the jokes fed into his desk, and he was the funniest guy in the office every Friday, walking around with great topical stuff

about a crime that happened in Arkansas. Funniest guy at Citibank. Steve's a little weird with all the crack whore jokes lately. I don't know what's going on. It's a little bizarre. Wow, Steve really hates O.J. Simpson. It just keeps coming up. Yeah, Steve, we got it. It's a little bizarre. Wow, Steve really hates OJ Simpson. It just keeps coming up. Yeah, Steve, we got it. He's a pedophile. Like, let it go. We're gonna, Steve, we're gonna fire you if you keep doing OJ jokes.

So, one more thing before we move into the news about Norm is I just want to read something. Laurie Kilmartin, who's a great comic out of los angeles and if you haven't seen her stuff go online and check it out um but anyway she she wrote that uh she i don't even know if he he remembered me we worked together for a week in the 90s it was out of the blue um and he sent her a tweet. She says, Norm MacDonald was a true goat as a comic, as a talk show guest, a true original.

He tweeted this to me as my dad was dying from cancer in 2014. Quote, I'm just an idiot, Lori, but I found out when I embraced the pain as tightly as I could, it became love. I pray for you. Isn't that nice? He was like that.

He's also the smartest human being I've ever met, I think. Anyway, let's get to the news. Oh, my God. Wait, is this the paper? Oh, yeah. Let's crinkle some paper. So there's going to be slight pauses when we... Hey, look at that.

Oh, wow. Is that a thing? Get out of here. So the audience just all brought papers and crinkled them. I feel like we have to smash a watermelon or something. I didn't know it was going to be audience participation. Well, this is like the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Let's just pretend that wasn't super weird and keep moving forward.

With my liquid death from Austria. All right. So let's start. First of all, a shout-out to Mark Rowland, who played that awesome song as we came to the stage. Everyone pretend they know this song. Oh, they heard it? They heard it. I'm the only one, I guess.

And our logo, which you don't see, is by Michael Solomon. Thank you, Michael. A couple quick corrections. Veterinarian here, so I'm sure you won't trust me. Gibbons are actually apes. Oh, I know. The easy way to remember is that monkeys have tails. Humans, chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, and gibbons

are all apes. No tails. Although Tom O'Neill, our friend, has a tail. That's true. Shit. Is this... Luckily, not a lot of people listen to this. He has a growth. It's called a vestigial, right? Yeah. Tail, the bottom of your spine? He's got a little one of those.

I wouldn't say little. It wraps around my leg at dinner. It's a little weird. Why is his asshole so close to your leg at dinner? I know. That's the bigger issue. Also, the magic gel that Mike was suggesting be invented to replace a condom has been tried. I'm listening. I used to work

in an animal lab and testing it for safety. It passed early safety trials, but when it was tried in people for efficacy... Efficacy? Efficacy. Efficacy.

Fuck me. It's like an F word. Efficacy. The spermicide in the gel was irritating enough to healthy tissue in a woman's vagina. That's because women,

not often enough, don't fuck like animals. That's what I got from that. Because the animals at work. Are you reading? That's very important. You're saying women need to push themselves harder in the bedroom. Like an animal in a test lab. Right, like a monkey. Like a monkey who's forced to have sex

with a bunch of guys in coats watching. And you have to present, ladies, like a monkey. Present. Arch the back. Oh, God. And spray a little. Spray? I think that comes later.

All right, so. All right. Science, what are you going to do? It's inappropriate. And then another guy wrote, EJ said that about Gilbert. He was doing Hugh Hefner roast in New York a few weeks after 9-11. Oh, Gilbert Gottfried. After the moans, after telling his 9-11 jokes, he pivoted and started telling the aristocrats, you know, the joke, the aristocrats.

He did that during the roast. Ah, yeah. Coming up, if you're in Connecticut, people, I will be at Comics at the Mohegan Sun. So in a club, you're plugging other clubs? Right. That's allowed? I'm new to this game. Well, here's how it works.

During COVID, you fucking... Well, I drink liquid death. I don't promote. I don't shit on another water. Trying to fill a club during COVID is like... Do you realize your gummies are on the table? These are going to be a prize. Oh, later on.

Think about this during the show because when we do local news, that microphone is there for you guys. We're going to ask you to come up and tell us the craziest local news story that comes from your town. And we're going to pick the best one. And this is Camino cannabis-infused gummies, 5 milligrams. Another non-sponsor plug. Goes to the winner. Alright. So if you're

pothead and you come from weird town, this is your day. Do we know what time it is? We're going to run out of time. They didn't really react to that, did they? No one has a local story. No, everybody has their own gummies in Sacramento. Ah, she said everybody has their own gummies in Sacramento. Yeah, right. How many people are high?

Raise your hand if you're high. Oh, wow. You should have told us that up front. I'm no longer embarrassed about the shit I've been spewing up here. That's awesome. I think the big local story is my dump in Modesto. I think it's going to be hard to top. Is Modesto local?

Don't forget, I'll be at the San Francisco Punchline November 4th through the 6th. And Mike may join us. We'll see. We're not sure. We've got to convince him. San Francisco. Oh, I don't know. This is going so well.

We'll see. I don't think they'll be as high up there. Stat Hero, folks. Do you like to bet on sports? You don't just watch it. You want to play it. Get the daily fantasy sports book that rewards passion with winning. That's Stat Hero.

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So what do you have to lose? Go to StatHero.com slash PAPERS or enter promo code PAPERS for 100% first deposit match. Front page, Mike. Well, it was a make the ad conversational. I'm kidding. It doesn't say that. Now they know you'll read it. Front page.

Extra. Extra. We'll read it. Front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! The worst is my dad actually did those reads for a living. He was good at it. I'm not the best. There's a Republican responsible for a

September 11th parade float in Indiana that featured a depiction of the Twin Towers with billowing smoke, defended the painful reminder of the attacks after outraged critics called it tasteless and disrespectful. Oh my God, is there footage of it? There's a picture, but you guys can't see it, but the people watching the podcast will see it.

Oh, all right. But it's basically like, picture a third grader making a project in class of the Twin Towers with fake flames sticking out of it, and they paraded it down Main Street. And they fucking loved it! He said, I think we hit it spot on.

The idea for the float was discussed ahead of time with local first responders, and they all liked it, he told the paper, but now he's getting shit about it. I hope they don't have a parade remembering the Holocaust. I hope that guy's not in charge of that one. Or the civil rights movement.

Look at those German shepherds looking real. And the fire hoses? I don't think that's a good idea. It's fucking powerful. I can't even stand. Oh no, here comes the strange even stand. Oh, no. Here comes the strange fruit float. What's... Wait a minute.

What? It's this guy, not me. It's inappropriate. It's the Holocaust train. Just eat some more edibles. It'll be fine. There was a baby born. This teen went to the hospitals thinking she just had appendicitis.

That happens. But came home 48 hours later with a new baby. She stole it? Nadia Rudd. I didn't read this story. 19 started getting severe cramps in her side and back. But as she was taking birth control and hadn't gained any weight,

she had no idea she was pregnant. Her boyfriend and dad-to-be, Brad O'Donnell, rushed to the hospital only to find out she actually had gone into labor. So, she's from Brookfield, Ohio. I like a gal like that. No excuses. My fucking wife, I had her bring her

breakfast in bed every day because she's pregnant. This one didn't even know. She was probably still bringing her guy breakfast in bed. Yeah, ladies. keep it to yourselves. If Norm can keep leukemia to himself for nine years, you can make it nine months with a little baby bump.

If there's a theme for today's podcast, keep shit to yourself. Yeah. Just tell us when it's due. Back to our sponsor. Mike's little... to yourself. Yeah. Just tell us when it's due. Like... Back to our sponsor. Mike's little... Yeah.

A popular California ski resort whose name included a derogatory... This is sort of local. Local-ish. This is very close by. A derogatory term

for Native American women changed its name to Palisades Tahoe Monday. That's an awful new name. So the new name... The old name the old name was everybody squaw valley what's so wrong with that well apparently the word squaw derived from the algonquin language may have once simply meant woman but over generations the word morphed into a misogynist and racist term to disparage indigenous women. Well, that's the problem is, like, I have said words in the past

that are on podcasts that I did 10 years ago, and those words today don't hold up so good. And... I said squaw, sir. And I was talking about my wife. Also, Tahoe is now just ta yeah that's that's what's coming down the play and country is just tree apparently there's a big concert here I saw a bunch of country in the Park or something like that?

What's that all about? Is there a big name there? Insurrection number two, I think. Oh, is it? A lot of Patriots? Now I'm into it. I love how Patriots dance. They kind of just sway. We wouldn't know. You wouldn't know about it?

Now, this is the crunchy part of Sacramento, isn't it? I like this guy's T-shirt. Real ass dude. She got it for you? I think it was Louis's. Louis Gomez or something like that. Oh, Louis Gomez?

Yeah. Oh, okay. He's a real ass dude. Louis says some shit today that you could never have said at any time. What does he know? I mean, he's just so inappropriate. I love it. He'll fucking say anything.

He's protesting to keep squaw alive. Yeah. You know what it might be? You know, also, you're not supposed to say girl anymore or girls. Yeah, about women. Yeah. Really? What about girls' soccer?

No. I guarantee that's going to change. Girls, apparently, are more and more, especially grown men talking about women as girls. And it's, of course, it's because women... I don't want to be offensive about it, but it's because women got all their panties in a bunch. At least I used women. That is a weird term, panties in a bunch.

Are they bunched up on the vagina or the asshole? Well, it's like... The image is like their assholes like oh i'm all nervous yes but uh i think it was like the vagina by the way for the podcast i rubbed my hands together quickly like a nervous person either place it's uncomfortable it's uncomfortable well do you wear the thong? No. You don't even wear them throughout the day with them pulled to the side, like grabbing just one ass cheek, like you see in the pornography? No? That's the way I would wear it. Just side saddle.

That's the way I do wear it. This liquid death I'm so fucked up dude I know this does this liquid death looks like something at the end of the team murder someone

who's at a rave and ran away and is he's not homeless yet but but he doesn't have a home he's on he's on couches

well we're not drinking it the right way you're supposed to have sunglasses pointed backwards on your head over your ears. I think that's the way. Yeah, with an orange goatee.

A Houston woman shot and killed a man who was peeping through her bedroom window. All right. Yeah. I mean, do you need more? Do you need more than that? Yeah. It happened at 11 p.m. last Friday in North Houston. The woman saw a shadowy figure standing outside her window and fearing for her safety, grabbed a rifle and opened fire several times through the wall.

All right, a couple things. First of all, you could have grabbed a robe, number one. Yeah, right. Two, how bad a shot are you? You hit the wall? Yeah. She must have thought, oh, my God, he probably has 10 friends to his left. I'm going to blast this wall away

Yeah This is I wonder if like There was a hole That he was peeping through And she shot through the hole But the guy They found him

In the next door neighbor's driveway Dead With Did they? Yeah You gotta front load that I'm making inappropriate jokes here I know

I didn't put all Oh stop He's dead He was a peeping Tom Well I used to be a peeping Tom In college Oh god You got to front load that. I'm making inappropriate jokes here. I didn't put all... Oh, stop. He's dead. He was a peeping Tom. I used to be a peeping Tom. In college... Oh, God. I didn't actively seek out being a peeping Tom.

Well, no. It's happened throughout my life. You were open to it. Every apartment I've ever lived in, you could see in women's windows. I don't know what it is about the roofs of the places I lived. Or my search criteria in looking for apartments,

but it happens. And I don't know who left binoculars next to the window of every apartment I lived in. No, but there was a woman who lived across the street from me on 16th Street, and she came home every day. She had a picture window, a giant fucking floor-to-ceiling window, and she'd come home from work, get completely

naked, shower and walk around naked and I would just sit there like what the fuck am I going to do? people would call me to hang out but I can't hang out right now I got to watch her open my present which is Windex the windows were dirty and I was concerned

about that today she gets a stepladder. My window was even dirtier. And rags. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus. But, you know, that peeping Tom thing, I think we brought that up when, who's the guy who was caught masturbating on Zoom for CNN?

Toobin. Jeffrey Toobin. Yeah, it should become a verb, Toobin. He was Toobin. He was Toobin. But that's what he, see he see like no one's blaming her like she hasn't even been charged because the people were peeping in like this she had an expected whatever the legal phrase is an expected uh sense of privacy whatever it is an expectation

of privacy so to tube it he didn't think his thing was on and it's a window and everyone else stared through it as he started tubing i bet i bet he wished everyone blamed him yeah they're the freaks turn off your computer turn off your computer yeah um here it is folks this is time for local news we're going to put it out to you the members of the sacramento left-wing Whole Foods community, the Sunday Papers fans, to come up to that microphone and step up to a chance to win a Camino cannabis-infused gummies tin filled with five milligram gummies. Anybody have any stories about the town you grew up in, things that were in the news?

Doesn't even have to be now. Doesn't have to be news. Look at that, Greg. What audience participation? They're too baked and paranoid. They're all too baked. That's the local story. Everyone's baked in this fucking town. I'll tell you a story from my hometown, and maybe it'll inspire you guys.

I doubt it. Tarrytown, New York, circa 1982. There were a bunch of guys that used to hang out on the benches downtown, and they used to smoke angel, they'd drive to the Bronx and get angel dust, and then they would get fucked up, and they would listen to bad heavy metal. And one night, the police

were called to the cemetery, where they had exhumed a body that was recently buried, and they were playing football with limbs of a dead body. And the police saw them doing it, they were arrested, and they were playing football with limbs of a dead body. And the police saw them doing it. They were arrested and they all went to jail.

And then they got out after four years or whatever, straight back to the benches and they were known forever as the Gravediggers. Yeah. Top that Sacramento. Top that Sacramento. I have a local story where I grew up.

These planes flew into these buildings. You have to say where you grew up. I think you know. All right, let's go on. Okay, so no takers? I know, we should have given you some warning. We fucked up. I just assume everybody had a fucked up story

from their hometown. All right, tell us the story, sir. Come on up. This guy was at my show the other night, as a matter of fact. Go ahead. Tell the story because I don't know that much about it. You guys had a Unabomber victim here, actually, right? I believe.

Downtown, Sacramento. Oh, yeah, we're supposed to wait. We're supposed to say don't touch the mic. Yes, step up close to it, though. You put on a mask. You've done everything perfect. We're just supposed to say that. And he has on a Greg Fitzsimmons pin.

Last night. Yeah. So not everything's perfect. So it was downtown Sacramento. This was in the? It was 1988. 1988. There was a woman that lived down there she

had a boarding house for Dorothea Montalvo Puentes whoa and she had a boarding house for elderly people like like a assisted living type thing and she was hammering their Social Security checks when they would pass away she would bury him in the backyard. No, no. She was killing them. Well, at first, I think, the first one. Anyway, yeah, so she started killing them and was hammering the checks still in the backyard.

Wow. She was ahead of the curve on that. She was ahead of the curve. Because that happens. Well, that's capitalism. You know, at first, you can't just passively get the money from the dead people you have to start

going after it you have to start killing them creating more profit where does it end oh he's back there was a local bar what was it called

Joe's Place well and the old tavern and the press club oh yeah yeah Jesus you got a good memory

are you the woman who ran this home? Ladies and gentlemen, Dorothea Quintet. Yeah. A little too many details. going in there and

hammering these checks at these bars. Wow. And they would cash them at the old tea. She didn't even have to steal their

identities. It was just a layup. Yeah. Which she cashed a check and then raised a glass to the person she just killed. Spill a little out. Well, come up and get here.

Here's your Camino gummies. Oh, I'll see you and raise you with a Golden State Killer. Get on up there. Golden State Killer. All right, Patton Oswalt. All right, get close to the mic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Patton Oswalt. All right, get close to the mic. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Patton Oswalt's wife did a whole documentary on it. So watch it. Oh, wow. I'm glad we don't have another can of edibles for that. That's like us telling Norm's jokes for him. Getting the laughs. Can I do a neighbor story? Yes, do a neighbor story. Real-ass dude is getting up here now. Can I do a neighbor story? Yes, do a neighbor story.

Real ass dude is getting up here now. Get up there. He's got his mask on. Don't try not to touch the mic. Don't touch the mic. You don't see the sign? This will be the last participant. Who lives?

It's a second language. And he takes his mask off. My neighbor who lives across the street from me. Just lick it a little. Go ahead. My neighbor who lives across the street from me. Just lick it a little. Go ahead. My neighbor who lives across the street from me is a complete dick. Oh, good story. Basically, I think he has a pit bull.

Actually, I know he has a pit bull. Well, when I take my glasses off, I can't see shit. So I think like a couple of years ago, I heard my, I happen to have a pit bull too, but I heard my pit bull went crazy. I opened up my door and I couldn't see anything. His pit bull had gotten out of his house and came in and my, our two pit bulls started attacking each other. And our two pitbulls started attacking each other. And so my one pitbull grabbed the neck of the other pitbull, and I tried to pull it apart, and he bit my finger off.

Almost, just about, just about. No, it wasn't that bad, but still. But no, there was blood gushing all over the place. But that's not where it gets sketchy. Where it gets sketchy... Is when you killed your neighbor and buried him in your backyard and cashed his checks and killed his dog. I think about it every day.

But no, that's not where it gets sketchy. Where it gets sketchy is after he had done that, I was like, hey, man, when I went into the hospital, it was like $4,200 worth of medical bills. And I was just about to refinance the house. I was like, hey, man, you know, I went into the hospital. It was like $4,200 worth of medical bills. And I was just about to refinance the house. I was like, shit, man, that's going to show up on my credit report. I don't know.

I'm not at the point. You know, that's going to make my thing go up. So I asked him to pay me, and he never did. Well, you know, I ended up not filing a police report. I ended up suing him. And so he ended up paying me like five thousand dollars and he wasn't too happy about it because on fourth of july the the next fourth of july uh he worked in the army or he was he was in the army so he's an infantryman

and i think he tried to blow up my house no yeah he launched like now you're not pointing any fingers here i'm not pointing any fingers here I'm not pointing any fingers you know what actually like every time something blows up I always pray like please don't let it be my people you know

wait who are your people what does that mean you know what it means because you know I'm from India and basically everything from India to Saudi Arabia looks the same to where everyone I live at. I didn't know you were from India. I thought you were a black guy. They always say that. Instead of saying, the other Indians just ask me if I'm from Fiji.

It basically means the same thing. See, that's the beauty of you. It's confusing. We've been blowing up the wrong people. I've only known you for the 19 minutes you told that story, but here's the... Here's what I love about you, and I do love

you. I love your shirt that says Real Ass Dude. I like your beret. I like that you took your mask off and touched the mic even though the sign said not to. But I liked it. I don't know who the fuck you are. You could be black. You could be Indian. You could be Latino. Nobody can ever dislike you for who they think you are.

If they dislike you, you'll know it's you. Thank you, my friend. Have we got time for one more? Sure. Now the floodgates are open. Get up there. Step right up to that phlegm right there. Should I keep my mask on?

Yeah, keep your mask on. At this point, all bets are off. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's up to you. Thank you. I'll just stand six feet away. No, stand because we can't hear you. You've got to get close to it.

Oh, okay. I like this. Okay. I have an OnlyFans story. Oh. This story actually made national news. I think you might have talked on it. All right.

But here in town, in town, we have like Catholic schools like our Catholic schools. And there was a Catholic school mom that was doing her OnlyFans. And everyone just saw, oh, she's just doing like negligee things and everyone's just all, there's nothing wrong with that, but everyone thought for sure that that's all it was and you're like, no, no, no. You're not making

like $100,000 a month just like walking around in your negligee. You're 100% doing some nasty stuff yeah insertion we know getting yeah whatever you're doing sleeping with his pit bull yeah and it was a fun time explaining that to my amazing wide-eyed husband who was like oh there's nothing wrong with that i'm like no no honey like it's a thing like there's nasty stuff happening yeah yeah and you

build a relationship and you do special stuff and all the stuff so the kids get kicked out like catholic school's like at will like bye like you're distracting you and your whatever thing and so it was and then she went to the news it was on the news and it was like you mean because her kid got kicked out of school and i'm like bring more attention to yourself right like just run along yeah run along right go keep it to yourself the theme of the podcast keep it to yourself right like take do all your nasty stuff yeah i don't care what you're doing although i think if you have kids like you're messing your kids up like that's not i'm not i'm not one to judge but if you have kids, you're messing your kids up. I'm not one to judge. But if you have kids, you're kind of messing up your kids.

Because they're old enough and the kids are getting... And it was this group of women. And it was kind of a thing. It was all hot gossip. Hot, hot gossip. Have you ever done anything to embarrass your children? This is going to embarrass them. Yeah, I'd say. This is going to embarrass them. Yeah, I'd say.

This is going to do it. This is, yeah. Yeah, like my whole, yeah, most of the things I do. I don't care. But anyway, so then they lived in a downtown neighborhood

like East Sac, which is a, and then. East Sac? East Sacramento. Okay. Where all the big houses, like, you know.

Fabulous 40s? Yeah, like, well, maybe in a different part. Anyway, houses, like, you know. Fabulous 40s? Yeah, like, well, maybe in a different part. Anyway, like, I don't know. So it's a nice part of town. It's a nice part of town. But they kind of got driven out. No, they live in my neighborhood. They do.

Uh-huh. Wow. You're lucky. Yeah. You've got herders in your neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah, she's making some money. I wonder if she's making more after the National...

Perhaps. It's a much bigger house. Yeah. Wow national. Perhaps it's a much bigger house. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's a much bigger house. Anyway, that was a humongous scandal. Everyone, because they got kicked out. She was on national news.

It was in the Daily Mail in the UK. It was broadcast all over the world. And Mrs. Poindexter. That's her name? That was her handle. So if you want to look it up. All right, way to give her a shout out. I think, you know, I mean, good for her doing all that. But I mean, I kind of like the kids, you know, that's kind of a dicey deal. So. Well, hey, I'm friends with Bella Donna, the porn star Bella Donna. And you talk about embarrassing your kid.

She did pregnancy porn into the third trimester. That may haunt you a little. Which is still legal in Texas. How much is an Uber to East Sacramento? Alright, let's do entertainment, people. Okay. Entertainment. What do you want to do here?

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's leading infectious disease expert. We know who he is. Debunked a claim made by rapper Nicki Minaj. We know who she is. That the COVID-19 vaccine can make men impotent. Is that what she said? I thought it was just big balls. Yeah, big balls.

Giant balls. Giant balls? Yeah. That's why I got a fourth vaccine. Yeah, that's why Mike is adding that to his pillbox after the show. I'm not going to show up to East Sac with regular-sized balls. No, you want swollen sac. Point Dexter is not going to find me an exceptional student with regular testicles.

Well, I guess he really shot her down. Big balls are overrated. You know, like I can remember when I was in like eighth, ninth grade, guys would do the, they'd hang skull. Hang brain or hang skull? I never did it, Greg. I think it was hang brain. You take, you unzip your fly and you pull your balls out.

And it was a big thing in eighth grade. And then you quickly started going like no that's uh that's now if you did that you would be fucking ostracized you'd be you'd make a ton of money on uh only fans oh right yeah so anyway big balls were over so that was a big story yeah that was crazy did she stick to her guns she did she didn't go to the med gala because of it because you're supposed to be vaccinated to go to the Met Gala because of it. Wow. Because you're supposed to be vaccinated to go to the Met Gala. So she didn't show up.

I thought Billie Eilish looked very pretty at the, can I say that? Can you say pretty? You said voluptuous. I did. I think on another podcast. I did.

I think you did. She looked voluptuous, as do you, ma'am. Well, why are people getting any medical advice? I mean, that's the obvious from her. Nicki Minaj, is that who it was?

Nicki Minaj. I get all my pandemic news from Megan Thee Stallion. Yeah. She's on it. Yeah. She usually agrees with the CDC, so I feel it's a trusted source. I get it from Chance, the rapper. Well, I also.

I mean, you want someone with a medical degree. I get it from Chance, the rapper. Well, I also, I mean, you want someone with a medical degree, I get it from Dr. Baby. And then I realized I misread it. It's DaBaby. It's just one letter off. They're very close together. Yeah. Dr. Dre's got a lot of good info, though. Yeah.

Bill Cosby's back, people! Can you believe this? He's working with a number of different producers right now, formulating ideas that could bring him back into the show business fold. Quote, I've got it all put together, man! Exclamation point. Yep. I even have my wardrobe ready, said Cosby76.

This is real. So I cut this article out. I thought it was fake i thought it was like an onion headline yeah he's like i would love to lay out some of those wonderful thoughts that i have now on parenting families this is true and marriage people who i meet in the airport keep asking me when are you going to come back I don't think that's the only thing they're asking you I think they're asking you to kill yourself probably when are you gonna come back I think his question is always when are you gonna wake up what am I gonna wake up wait who are you wait is

it still 9 p.m. that's what he gets asked a lot. All right. Wow. I know. If he does shows, he's, I mean, they're not, they can't not be filled with hecklers. I can't imagine protesters wouldn't show up and heckle him throughout his shows. What they're going to find is all the viewers fall asleep before the show's over. That's what people do when they see him now, just naturally.

Yeah, he doesn't need the drugs anymore. Just another fucking bad punchline about pudding. Brewer, Jim Brewer from Saturday Night Live. Boo. Oh, right. Boo or boo? Oh, boo. He's toying with Nicki Minaj, I think.

So he said he won't be appearing at the Metro Detroit venue due to the segregation of people being forced to take vaccinations. Thank you, says Detroit. I know I'm going to sacrifice a lot of money, but I'm not going to be enslaved by the system or by money, and nor should anyone that wants to laugh

or be entertained. So Brewer was on my podcast about six months ago, and he brought up all this crazy anti-vax shit. He has fallen under the just too much fuck. Get off the Internet. Is he anti-vaccine or is he anti-you're forcing me to get the vaccine? Anti-vaccine.

He did not get vaxed. He caught COVID. Everybody in his family caught COVID. He's put every drug in his body. Right. Yeah. He doesn't want to put the vax in, but fucking magic mushrooms, LSD, Molly, that's fine.

Yeah. Says the guy who just got an impossible burger from Burger King. I'm chasing with the liquid death. How can it go wrong? Hey, you know who else is back putting people to sleep? Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, no. She's got a little cartoon

called Little Ellen. What? She's a child in the city of New Orleans. She wears a shirt bearing the image of a rainbow, a recurring motif,

both as a symbol, obviously, and sometimes just as a rainbow. How can you tell the difference? Context. Her socks are mismatched and there is a a Band-Aid on her knee.

And beyond that, she made no contribution to the $20 million she was really paid for putting out a fucking animated version of herself. Sometimes it's a bigoted rainbow. That's how you can tell the difference. Yeah. What is she doing, honestly? You know what it is? Maybe because a kid can't be, like, toxic. Maybe that's her gambit.

Right. Like, oh, who can, you know, this kid can hate most people who aren't famous and get away with it. Right. Florida, man. Woo! Oh, wait. You asked me to change this story. Well, I did, but go ahead. Mike contributes very little to the script, but what he does do, he does Florida Man.

That's one of the things he does. No, you stole one of my stories, Bill Cosby. Here's this week's Florida Man that he put in. Two young teens charged with plotting mass shooting at their middle school. Oh, you guys are just too stoned at this point. 14-year-old and a 13-year-old. They're so young. That's why I put it in here.

So our eighth graders and two hours away from the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School where the gunman. Right, right. I'll keep going. And police learned the boys had looked for guns on the black market, studied ways to build pipe bombs, and researched the 1999 school shooting that occurred in Columbine in Colorado. And a map of the school was located. And the map contained, you're waiting for me to make this funny? Yeah, I can't wait.

I refuse. I'm like Norm, I'm just going to get darker and the map contained you're waiting for me to make this funny yeah i can't wait i refuse i'm like norm i'm just gonna get darker the map contained little ellen gonna do an episode about this the map contained markings indicating the location of each of the school's interior cameras anyway what i wanted to do this week was we always shit on florida but some of these kids are way advanced and way ahead of other kids and schools around the country like the columbine kids were so much older than these kids yeah yeah so shout out to florida there's something going on in the school system i think they've turned it around these kids have maps yeah they're amazing yeah kudos florida when i was in eighth grade i remember i stole my art teacher's keys because i fucking hated her because she gave me a bad grade on a painting.

How do you give an eighth grader a bad grade on a painting? So I took her keys. Well, it's nothing but swastikas. It's an ancient. Just liquid death. I'm just talking about the Holocaust too much. It's an ancient pagan symbol. It preceded.

Yes, it's Kaelic. So I threw her keys out the window into the bushes. And they knew it was me and it was one of those eighth grade things where you're in the principal's office and they're going, just show us where the keys are and I'm going, I didn't touch the fucking keys. She had to get all new keys.

Fuck her, that was a good painting. All right, let's go international all right what's this story why don't you read it it's not mine so make it seem like you did something i'm not gonna make this one funny it's very long i can tell it's not mine you just pasted everything in here a 64 year old fugitive walked into a sydney police station to give himself up almost 30 years after he used a hacksaw blade and bolt cutters to escape from prison darko desic is that really his name that's a criminal's name darko if you name your darkoik, just start getting bail money together right away. Also, this journalist fancies himself a poet.

He's like, Darko Desik decided to go back to prison. It's like a riddle. Because Sydney's COVID-19 lockdown made him jobless and homeless, the media reported. Sydney's lockdown, which began in June, had cost Desik his cash and handwork as a laborer and handyman. He slept on the beach on Saturday night and said, stuff it. I'll go back to prison where there's a roof over my head. He had served 13 months of a three and a half year sentence for growing marijuana. And then it goes on a long time to describe who he is. So basically he had he had like he had like a couple of years left on a pot sentence.

And instead he went on the lam for 30 fucking years. All right. Way better idea. I mean, it's obvious. Why not try to steal some money? Right. The worst that happens is you go to jail, which is what you're doing anyway.

That's true. But there's a chance you'll make a lot of money and not go to jail, Desik Darko. You're playing with the house's money. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Right? It's high-risk crime. I remember in high school a guy got two big

like, they were called steps in my high school. Four steps, you were kicked out of school. He got two steps for tearing like a picture, a cool picture out of a magazine, but it was our library our high school our library's magazine and uh hogwarts weekly no but i remember one kid at the school who is much smarter than any of us he's like he heard about that he's like next time just steal the whole magazine oh sorry i i didn't make the premise he got two steps one was for vandalism

and one was for stealing. Oh, yeah. Because he tore their page out of the book and they wanted to teach him a lesson about that. So this one guy goes, next time just steal the whole magazine. Or tear up the whole magazine and leave it. Let's go back to Florida, man. I think we'll have better luck with that one. Sports! uh so uh as you know last year we had our tampa bay bet i came out four hundred dollars ahead

this this year i'm fifty dollars down in week two tampa bay did not beat the spread even though they won the game last week So we're pretending it's Sunday It's happening today Who are they playing? Atlanta And they are giving 12 points They're playing at home So it's 12

I gotta beat you by 12 points Weren't they at home last week? Yeah, sometimes you do two back-to-back Alright But I can't imagine Florida You know He is the

How many times was he Florida man last year? I think at least twice. Who, Brady? Brady. He's a douche. Just the worst. He's the worst human being.

But you know why? Because he could be. He's just a fucking hair away from being an amazing guy. He's got so much going for him. He was given so much. And yet, I work with the Best Buddies a lot. And he was a face of the Best Buddies for years. Charity.

Charity. And he did a lot of great work for them. I can't take that away from him. That's why I say he was so close. But then he left Best Buddies to start his own foundation, the Tom Brady Foundation. He solicited hundreds of thousands of dollars from Best Buddies to seed his own. It wasn't his money no no he got money from them that they had gotten from people to start his own foundation the boston globe did

a huge expose on it why what's that the year he signed his contract for 30 million dollars a year while his wife was making more than that when he got a PPE loan. Was it $200,000 or something? No, he got like $2 million and it was the same week that he got a $3 million yacht. I mean, come on. I'm donating 10% of the profits

from tonight's show to Best Buddies. We love Best Buddies. Yeah. And all my merch, all my pins, which, by the way, I'll sell them after the show if you want them.

Dark Odesic should go rob Brady, the fucker. Take his boat. Let's go to this. How are we doing on time, by the way? We're out of time. No, we're good.

We're good. What does that mean? We got a half hour oh yeah all right uh let's do some this day in history in 1995 the unabomber manifesto was published local story ish yeah that's right I did read that an anti-technology terrorist is published by the New York Times and Washington Post the hope that someone will recognize the person who for 17 years has been sending homemade bombs through the mail probably grew up in Florida that killed and maimed innocent people around the United States after reading the manifesto David Kaczynski linked the writing style

to that of his older brother, Ted, who was later convicted of the attacks and sentenced to life in prison without parole. He murdered three people, injured 23. It was like some weird word like tallywhackers in there. He's like, hmm, no one but my brother says that. Yeah, right. I know you probably knew his brother's leanings. Yeah.

And have you ever gone back, apparently, I have to watch how I say this, but apparently the manifesto does have a lot of appealing points in it. I'm not at all talking about what he did with the U.S. Mail, but I'm just talking about the manifesto. Oh, no, it was brilliant. I mean, the guy was very, I think he went to an Ivy League school. Oh, he went to Harvard, famously. it was brilliant. I mean, the guy was very, I think he went to an Ivy League school. Oh, he went to Harvard, famously. Yeah, yeah.

You know, he was a victim. He was in the victim role of famous experiments, psychological experiments that, I think, break a person down at Harvard. Using LSD. I think, yeah, he volunteered for it. He volunteered for it. I know everything about this guy. Is this part of, like, Intel Pro or whatever? What's that?

Is this Intel Pro? What they did? Come up to the microphone. Was it the prisoner ones? Real ass dude is coming back up. Just deep throat. The Indian guy. He actually volunteered.

It was like when he was at the Ivy League school. He was a sophomore. Will you let go of the goddamn microphone? He has mics on here. He's got a phallic thing. He volunteered. He volunteered and the C, basically he volunteered to work for experiments that the CIA was doing and they were using mind altering dogs like mushrooms, blah, blah, blah, you know, and then, but then they were doing like sensory deprivation and all that.

And so the people that he targeted were actually the people that were on the boards of the CIA, et cetera, et cetera. So he was actually, he had a hit list and the hit list was people from the CIA. That's why the FBI was so scared of him. And he was a professor at Berkeley. So he left Berkeley and, you know, I mean, he basically, it was just, you know,, you know, the stuff that he did was just in a little cabin in Montana. Right. I haven't seen that documentary. Have you watched the documentary? I think I watched the documentary.

Yeah, yeah. I definitely did do a little reading. I'm in it. No, you. A little reading, yeah. All right. Thank you for keeping your four and a half fingers off the microphone this time have you noticed every time there's a loud noise outside that sounds like a bomb he dives

under the table he's like please be the other people a dog barks he jumps on the fucking table yeah yeah so do you know what his victim here because his victim here my understanding was years before they put it all together so it was an unsolved case i guess this guy got a bomb and do you know about what his connection to kaczynski was the guy in sacramento because i read a little about your town and that's one of the headlines all the victims but i know that's one of the reasons why i'm just targeting the victims. Well, a lot of the ideas in it were about how social media, and I think this was pre-social media, but the idea of the Internet would create isolation in people, and it would cause the breakdown of the sense of community that people, which is all very present.

He was on top of all that shit. But the neoconservatives have really embraced a lot of his ideas. shit but the neo-conservatives have really embraced a lot of his ideas he talks about how the internet is being used to sort of like collect people into centralized government more and that the that social media is a tool of the big government and so a lot of the neo-conservatives are against his ideas. I've embraced his ideas. That was funny. That was a good intermission. Yeah. So anyway, all right, should we do, you know,

we haven't done Ask Amy. It's been sitting in our script. Week after week, should we do an Ask Amy? All right, people want to hear it. I don't even remember this one. Did you remember to crinkle the paper? There you go. By the way, that's a good image.

I put the mic towards my crotch. Do I? Where do I get excited about this story? All right. This is a blind read. Here we go. Dear Amy. I got that part.

My husband has been significantly overweight most of his life. He recently lost more than 60 pounds on a very strict diet. Parentheses, I have to work to stay at a healthy weight, but I've never been more than 10 pounds. I don't even care about you. He's much healthier now, and I'm extremely proud of him and his dedication to a new lifestyle. However, when he was overweight, he was generally relaxed, fun, and easygoing. These are also the qualities that attracted me to him. Now, after the weight loss, he generally seems miserable. I'm not the only person to have noticed his change.

A few days ago, a good friend told me that my husband is, quote, the most miserable skinny person he's ever known. I've tried to talk with him multiple times, both to let him know how proud I am of him for this accomplishment and to try to understand why he seems so unhappy. Well, I should have cut this down. Uh, despite achieving

the goal, he said for himself, the most I've been able to get from him is that now that he's lost the weight, he's embarrassed about how overweight he was. Amy, I loved my husband when he was overweight and I love him now, but after almost six months of dealing with his negativity, criticism, and a much shorter temper than usual, I'm not sure how to help without sounding like I'm trying to derail his health plans. We shouldn't have done this. This isn't a good one. I think much of his negativity stems from hunger

and having to deny himself his favorite foods. Maybe he's impatient that he becomes such a bitch. I want him to maintain his health, but I don't want him to have to choose health at the expense of happiness. Any thoughts on how I can help us through this challenge? And it's signed, Missing my chubby hubby.

Well, I think you want to just, you know, tell him you're proud of his weight loss and give him rewards. You know, chocolate cake and camino gummies get this bastard high exactly yes um no i look i've been sober for many years and i was a lot happier when i was drinking i was told i had a problem by many people and so i stopped and then i realized now like i didn't have a problem they had a problem they they couldn't handle my drinking I always say you used to be my best friend then you gave up drinking now you're like four or five couldn't handle it because

you're weak who me my my family oh yeah I know right it was their problem totally I was I had so much more fun I really did but you know i'm gonna maybe i'll try getting fat maybe they'll cheer me up well also this wife's thinking the logic is uh let me shame him in a nationally syndicated column i could ask my friends but i want to ask amy that is a thing though about my positive healthier husband who i now don't like that is a sort of a thing though about my positive healthier husband who i now don't like that is a sort of a thing though isn't it the jolly the jolly fat guy right it's it it seems like it makes you happy to eat whatever the fuck you want whenever you want i think so yeah of course you lost weight i did but i don't know i was never yeah i was never like this i don't think i don't know. I was never, yeah. I was never like, this I don't think. I don't know how I'm keeping it off.

I guess I just am smarter. You know, I don't, I take that fairy, like, vegetable meat. I don't do burgers anymore. Right. Actually, I do. Just not in Modesto or wherever I was. Where did I get the burger? South.

No. No, Modesto was in Stockton. Stockton? Stockton? What's the one south here that begins with an s yeah that's Stockton they don't like me there I think I'm an urban wussy by the way tonight if you guys are around we have two shows and I'll obviously be headlining but Mike Gibbons who rarely does stand-up will be doing a couple

short sets you want to come and see them. We'll see how that goes. We saw how this went. So, hold your applause. I'm always like, Mike,

just do seven or eight minutes. I don't know if I can do that long. Then they're giving him the light at fucking 12. He can't get him off the stage. Well, I try to bring everything I got because I have to follow

that shirt. It's a good podcast joke, isn't it? I don't think you're going to follow that shirt. It's a good podcast joke, isn't it? I don't think you're going to follow the headliner. That's a good point. It's a good shirt, right, sir? Thank you. It's a great fucking shirt.

What is up with that shirt? It's very flowery, like a bazillion flowers. It's paisley, I think. My wife got it for me. No, that's not paisley. It's not paisley? My wife bought it for me. Is it paisley, you think?

No, it's flowers. Don't paisley have the shapes? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's not pays not paisley my wife bought it for me paisley you think don't pay is it I got the shapes yeah no it's just flowers it's just flowers and I got here really thank you very much that really makes me feel good thank you well you know what this guy wants to take a pitch Joanne you know why you look so good because you use gift wrap as a shirt. Yeah, I'm going to go home and dig up my eighth grade outfits like you do. Don't knock her, animals. They're fucking great. All right, let's do it.

Speaking of Joanne, let's do some letters to the editor. All right, Joanne's still crushing on us letters to the editor. All right. Joanne still crushing on us this week. Oh, look at her. Does she know? We should have told her we left town. And then this one comes from Jack Boro. Hey, Greg and Mike went to a tiny high school in the upper peninsula of Michigan where we played basketball against two interesting mascots,

the Water Smeet Nimrods. What? That's a mouthful. Good luck, cheerleaders. Go Nimrods.ith nimrods what that's a mouthful that good luck cheerleaders go nimrods go nimrods never mind water smith and they're ready for this the hurley midgets and i look this up this is not a lie there there was a team called the hurley midgets until recently the nimrods name sounds like the hurling midgets, like they have a contest. Like the midget throwing, tossing? I think that's dwarf tossing. Oh, I do mix up the two. I never went to that bar. I stuck to my midget bars. Dwarfs go faster. The Nimrod's name comes

from a name... Can you still say dwarf? Does anyone know? No, you're supposed to say dwarf. No, little people. Little people? Little person or people? Well, as Norm MacDonald said, when Conan said little people, because Norm had just said midget, and Conan goes, no, it's supposed to be little people. And he goes, I don't look at them as little. I think all people are the same. Also, on Conan, there was a woman, a former supermodel,

and she wrote a book on how to be a supermodel and it was first rule and she's like and there were rules conan's like what's in this book he's like there are rules and she's like first rule and it's something like you know be healthy or some shit like that or whatever and norm's like i bet i know what the second rule is don't be a midget. On national TV. So the other one was Nimrods comes from a Native American chieftain term. Jay Leno.

Like squaw. Jay Leno hosted the high school on their show a while ago to goof on their name, and they have a shrine in their school from whatever. Who cares? But I wonder what the mascot must have been ago to goof on their name and they have a shrine in their school from whatever who cares but um i wonder what the mascot must have been because the guy that runs on the field did they actually have to find a little person to put the outfit on for the midgets yeah maybe there was like three of them on each other's shoulders no you thought you would want a real midget maybe you get a child oh i'm three midgets i midgets on each other's shoulders. So they're like a, I don't think the word I should use is normal person,

but you know what I mean. No, regular, you know, height, six foot-ish. All right. Is anybody here friends with a little person? Raise your hand if you're friends with a little person. Zero. That's weird. I'm friends with Brad Williams.

You saw him here? Yeah, his picture's up in the hall. He's a killer comic. He delivers. He's so funny. He's the only person who's smaller than his picture. Just pointing it out. I grew up with a kid named Nimrod. You grew up with a kid named Nimrod what did you call him for short

ron he was a certain ethnicity oh okay that sounds racist yeah a certain ethnicity That sounds racist. Yeah. A certain ethnicity. Let's just say when bombs go off, he blows up. According to this gentleman. Oh, God.

All right. Let's see. Joanne, where were we? Jason Temple said, hey, Greg and Mike, listen to the latest episode. When you were discussing the release of The Strokes debut album around 9-11, I was reminded of an even bigger controversy. There was a hip-hop group called The Coup. Their album Party Music was to be released in November of 2001. The cover featured the two members of The Coup

blowing up the Twin Towers with a detonator. For obvious reasons, the album release was pushed to change the cover. I mean, all right. First, there's a lot to unpack there. So here's two guys blowing up the towers. Let's call it party music. Yeah, right. Right. And it's not like they hadn't been bombed before. You know, it happened back in, what was it uh 93 under clinton yeah jesus um yeah but somebody sent us a picture of a couple albums there were a few albums that had that had the twin towers in the background of them that came out around that time and they'll

be on the website if you guys want to look at well i told you my sophie my daughter started watching uh sopranos and in the opening credits and it's all of her friends also like all of a sudden the twin towers comes up and i'm just like oh and she's like are you always gonna make that sound when you see the twin towers i'm like absolutely yeah yeah yeah it's impossible not to all right i wasn't in new york but i mean i lived right down there for a long time i wasn't in new york when it happened i mean but it's crazy it's still crazy it's just something that's funny we have a funny is we have a friend. It's so sneaky. We have a friend who has as dark of a sense of humor as we do.

And his big thing is every 9-11, he would send me a completely inappropriate 9-11 meme. And this year on the 20th anniversary, Radio Silence didn't send it. Oh, really? Yeah. Huh. And I called him on it. And he sent me a beautiful picture of the twin towers you know with the lights going up in the air yeah that they did this year in tribute yeah so he's turned

into a fuck i put it on my instagram but this is a true story this is a true story i um galifianakis of all things i mentioned that just because there were famous people at this backyard and i was there and it was like the first gathering and it was still super awkward it was like a week later or something and we're in there and uh fred uh what's his name what's armisen armisen's there and i don't know fred that well i mean we recognize each other and so uh i'm like trying to make small talk with him and it's like not going that well and also people don't know how to talk about it it was still really fresh and then all of a sudden out of nowhere he like kind of looks like pretty sad i'm like i'm like what's you know i thought like he was getting emotional what's wrong it's like it's just really hard for me because my parents uh had a weekend house on

top of tower two he told that story right yeah you told that story i did yeah last week oh i did all right well there were two towers sorry i'll change it to tower one wow i did tell it last year the irony is the the 9-11 slogan is never forget just like the twin towers i attacked it twice why why did real ass dude just dive under the table and we did to a story about explosions all right let's do obituaries even though and that's all folks we're already talking about norm but i wanted to give a local shout out to Sergeant Nicole Gee, Sacramento area Marine who was killed while helping the evacuation efforts in Afghanistan, was honored Thursday afternoon here in Sacramento. And actually, I flew in on Thursday.

And while I was at the airport, her procession went just ahead of me. So my cab, we were actually in the procession. And as it went through the city, people were in overpasses and honoring her as she drove through. So, yeah. So apparently she was a really beautiful person. And she was one of 13 service members killed. She was 23. And just days before her death, she posted a photo on Instagram of herself in uniform holding a baby in Kabul with the caption, I love my job. Oh, no.

So she was a service maintenance technician with the 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit. And she had a husband for five years, and they were based in North Carolina together. So our hearts go out to her and her family. That's terrible. Yeah. You know what we do after the obituaries to cheer up, though? We do the funnies. All right, let's do some funnies.

Oh, good, you put one in there. I didn't look at Family Circus. That's right. I got you, Mike. All right. I was indisposed in Modesto. Indisposed. He's indisposed in Modesto. Indisposed. He's indisposed.

He's driving for seven hours, and I'm periodically getting, hey, check out this video of Norm as he's fucking driving up the five. It's a long, boring drive. You've got to watch something. Why did he drive? Yeah, explain why you drove. All right. It's a short explanation.

No, I brought all my gear, and I wanted to camp on the way down. So I also thought Yosemite was close to here. No. It's not that close. How long have you lived in California? Well, that's the thing, that none of us Angelenos, which now I guess I'm one of them, but we don't realize that San Francisco is mid-state. We call it Northern California.

But also I did think Sacramento, it's probably the same distance as L.A. It's an hour closer than L.A. to Yosemite. That's it. So what a ridiculous ridiculous. But on the way up. So I drove up this morning. Couldn't didn't lay eyes on the Sierras so I drove up this morning, couldn't, didn't lay eyes on the Sierras once. It's all smoked in. It's so sad. And I guess, is it Vasilia? Is that

how you pronounce that town? Vasilia. Vasilia? Vasilia. I no longer care. I no longer care. That city, like the flames are right there, I guess. It's terrible. Go to Big Sur. I thought about doing that because it's right by LA, I think. It's terrible. Go to Big Sur. I thought about doing that, because it's

right by L.A., I think. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He's going to end up in Malibu on the way home. I think it's right by Eureka. I think it's right there. So yeah, I'm going to go there. Hager the Horrible, and boy is he horrible.

I mean, all we want in the funnies is an opportunity for our children to begin reading. They get attracted by the colors and the drawings, and then they get messages. Fun helmet, goofy big eyes. And instead, you've got a king waving a white flag on the turret of his castle, and Hager's dummy friend goes, the duke wants to negotiate a surrender. Hager goes, good, I want him to grovel.

Send for Helga. And in the last frame, the only reason I bring it up is the last frame, suddenly the woman, the king's wife, who's about to be raped, shows up on the edge of the tower, and she looks so scared. Shouldn't it be Haggle? Like they're going to trade wives? I don't want to overthink this. Then for Helga? I don't want to overthink this like my drive up here, but...

Haggle for Helga? Anyway. Let's get to some Lockhorns. God damn it, they're good. I got a few here. Leroy is talking to his wife, Loretta, and he hates her. Hates her.

And he doesn't think she's a good cook at all. And he says to her while they're eating, you got this recipe from the newspaper? Where, the crime section? Very good. Guy can write a joke. But now she comes right back in the next one one loretta is sitting with her friend on the sofa leroy is on the other sofa just slouched over dead asleep with a remote next to him and she says to her friend i thought leroy walks into the kitchen and loretta is

standing by the fridge and leroy's got a huge smile on his face and he goes something smells good are you not cooking he hates her he fucking hates her okay blind read i'm not even gonna look at the copy uh two red-headed idiots are talking the billy it's billy on the right kids are reading and so the girl who's wearing like a sports jersey that's weird she's holding a book and she walks right up to him and her pie holes open so i guess she's the one talking and she says when i grow up i'm going to be either a princess or a president what i'm not even acting exasperated what what is what do you think that means well he's trying to be woke he's trying to say that she can be no she's the one talking yeah it's insulting to women because i mean a princess

doesn't really it's not something you can decide to be you're born a fucking princess she still has one foot in like uh girls aren't worthy is that the idea and it's a made-up occupation i want to be well i guess it's a i guess in the mind of a child a princess and a president are like similar things whereas one of them you run for office and the other one you marry a guy until the paparazzi chases you under a bridge oh wow now i like it You know what I think this fucking Jeff Keen, I think he's like, you know what his thing is like? Women have come a long way.

And by long way, I mean halfway. That's what I think he's saying. In his mind, halfway is like, that's good ladies, girls, girls, that's good. Stop right there. good stop right there half dream about a president but keep that princess dream alive and the joke is she'll be neither i mean isn't that

the punch line i don't know what she's gonna be i don't even think she can read yeah the book is i don't know what's going on yeah all right All right. That brings us to... Let's bring it home. Time for some Blondie. All right. Front door. Blondie answers the door. It's always at the door. She has on a light rose-colored sweater. Her bosoms heave as she closes the door,

letting fucking dipshit... The pictures aren't moving. I think they are for you. Dip shit Dagwood has a fucking bowling bag in his hand. Like, first of all, if this is your wife,

why are you bowling? You're either sleeping or you're fucking eating and now with the little time you're actually on your two feet, you're not going to take your wife out to a nice meal. You're going to go bowl in 2021 so she says how did you do in the big bowling tournament oh he's on his

way back how did you do in the big bowling tournament dear and he goes i rolled nine gutter balls in a row and everybody gave me a rough time about it yeah that's where family circus would stop right there nine in. He said, they actually accused me of doing it to break my own personal gutter ball record of eight in a row. And Blondie says

with her arms crossed, actually, that's something you might do, honey. Little fucking something from Blondie there, huh? And he goes, come on,

after rolling eight legitimate gutter balls in a row, who would take a dive on the ninth frame to set a new record? And the dog looks at the camera as if to say,

this fucking zero would. But I mean, it's just, again, how many more signs does she need? Look, we all are in couples where one of us knows we're better than the other one, or that you know your partner better than you. Right? Right? And so,

clearly, she has to know she's outclassing Dagwood by a lot and doesn't he understand that he shouldn't walk in the door and profess to rolling nine fucking gutter balls with the fear that she might pack her bags and leave shouldn't he pretend he rolled a couple fucking strikes even if it's for her own dignity so she can put her head on the pillow at night and not think I made a huge fucking error here. And even the dog doesn't have to be like,

do I have to stare at the reader again? Oh, God damn him. I wish I could get animated. You're pretty animated. before we go, again,

another shout out to the Punchline Comedy Club. Thank you guys for hosting us on our first ever, first ever live podcast we'll always remember that you guys were a part of it thanks for being here thanks to chris denman midcoast media beth hoops and key and everybody that made it possible we'll see you guys next time thank you god bless america We'll be right back. They talk about the weeks and nights and how we're together But what is so good?

Can you break my mind? Family circles, something of your own Bye. I was here when the man who crashed his car into a road. Don't read about it. No need to doubt what it is. Sit back and relax. Take your reflex from these guys and take a break. Thank you.