Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 82 9/26/21

Episode Date: September 26, 2021

This week Mike is in Montana and Greg is in CT and there are a lot of dead bodies in the news. The live ones include a groping Chris Cuomo, a divorced Elon Musk, a gun wielding woman who wants her Chipotle and Cpt Kirk is going back to space. Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime 

One, two, three, four! Take your places now, it's time for the show The boys are in the building and they're ready to go Sunday Playhouse Sunday Playhouse On a Saturday night I'm about to jam And Greg is gonna scream like a banshee in about three, two...

Read all about it! Sunday papers coming to you from Wyoming and Connecticut. Two states nobody cares about. We're in them. Bringing you the news. Well, apologies to Wyoming for for what greg just said but i'm in montana oh and everyone cares about montana man sorry do people know the difference between wyoming and montana i think a lot of them has a professional sports team do you remember uh

um dog day afternoon when he's he's in there robbing the bank with, was it Sal? I think his dim-witted partner. Yeah. And they're in there, they're sweating because they turned off the AC and they have a hostage crisis. He's like, all right, Sal, we can go anywhere. Pick a country. He's like, what country do you want to go to? And Sal's like, Wyoming.

It's hilarious yeah that was a new yorker it's like the new yorker cartoon where it's like you know once you get past jersey city it's all uh blurry my sister made it out there she was uh she was kind of a free spirit she did two years of college remember she went to BU with us for two years. Yep. And then after we graduated, she decided she didn't want to go to BU anymore. I think we were her social life at BU. Uh-huh.

And so she left school, and then she just started fucking taking buses. She took this green tortoise bus, and she went out to Montana. went out to montana wait where's yellowstone yellowstone is wyoming right above jackson hall okay she went there and she spent like six months working as a maid at a at a hotel and her boyfriend didn't kill her and leave her there and take her van it was he was to, and he fucking got a flat, didn't make it that day.

Thank God. She kind of dated losers who couldn't see a plan through to the end. I do know that. Denman was late because we were texting about what time we were going to record. This is Saturday that we're recording, the 25th. And Denman, in his quick witted st louis fucking uh texting style goes oh should we do 7 a.m hawaii time all right

he goes what time what time you two gang banging this pod tomorrow already it's pretty inappropriate that was a text chain with me and greg on it then um you say that you could do from 12 to 4 new york time and i go okay and i i crunch math figuring all right this is something i could easily blow because i'm in montana i'm uh mountain So I go, okay, why don't we do noon East Coast time? You seem to take that in. You didn't write anything back. It seems good. That means it would be 10 a.m. my time.

And Chris writes, how about 7 a.m. Hawaiian standard time tomorrow? Hilarious. Greg goes, and you wrote good and he took that first of all i don't think there's a hawaiian standard time is there maybe there is maybe it doesn't matter what the fuck is hawaiian standard time all i know is he's in fucking st louis and we had to wait a half hour to start this podcast because he was, what, was you doing the Sherry Shepard podcast? I love Sherry. I know, but it's no Sunday Papers.

Well, Sherry used to think the earth was flat, didn't she? So maybe Hawaii time is different in her podcast. Yeah. I don't know. Hawaii is right. You can see it. Yeah. Well, I'm going to, all right. I was going to say something mildly inappropriate and I didn't, and I'm getting better. I'm getting better. You are getting better. Hey, so just a little thing. I'm a, this has always been a little bit of a travel dream of mine to go to Glacier National Park. Wow. And yesterday I did the drive, you know, the opening images of the shining are come in over Glacier National Park.

And the first thing is this famous little Island that's out in this lake, which becomes a river. And, um, that island's still there. Everyone pulls over, you know, and takes pictures of it. That's amazing. Wild Goose Island, I think it's called. Yep. And it's little.

Did you see anything on the drive? Anything else? Grizzly bears. You saw a grizzly bear. So this is what happens in national parks is all of a sudden you'll see cars pulling over. So this is what happens in national parks is all of a sudden you'll see cars pulling over and, and then everyone hops out and there's a mama grizzly bear and a cub because, uh, one thing, I don't know much about bears, but you're totally safe. If the mama bears near its cub,

I'm joking. That's the last time you're ever supposed to like, like even get near the thing. So anyway, um, but they were there trying to load up on berries because winter is a common i went out the uh east side of glacier you drive all the way through it has this amazing like unbelievable road uh through the park so and there's snow here already and stuff so we get to the east side and it is like the shining this thing um like speaking of uh kubrick everything's closing down this whole town's closing there's a supermarket that looked like our supermarkets during the beginning of covid everything was wiped out the town is closing and so couldn't even get a cup of coffee over there but um and then glacier national park the

visitor center we were at in the middle of the park, is closing tomorrow. Today, Sunday. It's closing today. And they're really closing up shop fast because it's going to start dumping here. Damn, it's September. No shit. So when I was walking in, there were these really tall wooden poles. Crudely.

There's a drilled hole in the side. And like, so let's say you're walking into the visitor center. It look, there's these just giant wooden, they're unfinished. They're not even lacquered. They literally look like they were like broken down in the forest and then stuck in. And they're really tall. And I thought, oh, that might be like, you know, maybe there's flags on them where it's some in native American type, you know, cause they look like giant teepee poles. And, uh, eventually I asked the guard and there are flags meanwhile. So they weren't to hold the flags and they go along the visitor center walk. And then I noticed them out on the highway also. And I'm like, what are

those? He's like, Oh, you know, when the snow's over 12 feet, that'll show people where the road, that'll show the plows and everything, where the road is. Wow. And where the visitor center is. So when they start plowing,

they don't wreck structures that are underneath the snow. Holy shit. There's a reality show for a Nat Geo TV. And in May and April, they had the photos of them. They don't open the park in whatever it is, I guess maybe May, June. They don't open the park because the snow's gone. They have to plow the hell out of this park to open it. Well, listen, that all sounds really kind of uh beautiful and scenic but nothing

compares to where i am at an indian casino in the middle of connecticut filled with fat people on scooters with fucking oxygen masks but or the worst is you get these fat people on the casino floor on you know and they're on their little motor scooters because they're so fat yeah and then they're not wearing masks it's like you are compromised on so many levels you're compromised for even walking in this place and you're not even walking yeah you're not even walking you're scooting around on this fucking thing and then they and then they here's the best i'm looking at this guy and he's at the roulette wheel and he's got, he's got some kind of weird fucking scar on his neck and he's in a scooter and he's overweight and he, and he's at the roulette wheel. And I, and I just think, what do you feel? Lucky? How's your life been going so far? You're

going to keep that lucky streak going there, Sparky? Oh, lady luck, you know I'm overdue. Maybe that scar, it's kind of like a pacemaker. Maybe he has the ventilator built in. He already had his own personal ventilator put inside his body. Yeah, he should have a license plate on the scooter that says overdue. I mean, is there a way to bet like uh on that like side bets that's all wall street is his side bets now everyone's like you can even bet on like you know just industry i think his industry is gonna do well well i'm you know basically you're betting that a lot of people

are gonna bet on like you know biotech or whatever uh in the casino there should just be side bets like uh can i bet that guy loses tonight? Yeah, yeah. Once again, Mike's selling somebody short. Sells the market short. Sells Tampa Bay Buccaneers short. Sells the fat guy short. Oh, this stock market was getting sober for a brief second this week

and then, nope, party's still going on. Yeah, I know. Don't worry, we're going to still back your bets. So don't worry, everybody. I know, it was the big news story last week that the stock market went down 600 points, but they don't report on the fact that it was up 500 two days later. It just quietly keeps moving forward. Well, no, because the Fed goes, whatever, I don't want to get into it.

Hey, can I give my sister a happy birthday shout out today? Look at that. All right. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. She's got, she's taking care of my mom. My mom, I thank you for all the well wishes. I got a lot of nice emails from people. My mom had open heart surgery on Thursday and it was,

there was a lot of complications. She had a pacemaker that had been put in six months ago in Florida. I think I mentioned this and they put it in wrong so they had to re um install the pacemaker and then she had liquid fluid in her lungs and heart they had to drain that and it was crazy but she's out and she's at my sister's in new york and i going to go visit her after, uh, after this. Nice. Well, please give my best to both of them, but no offense to your sister, but especially to your mom. Yeah, she needs it.

She needs it. She sounds weak. She sounds like an old lady for the first time. She, my mom is a very young 79, but when I talked to her on the phone She sounded old and weak So we got to get her Get her back up again Get some Ryan

Ryan Gingers In her That's what she drinks Ryan Gingers Maybe that faulty pacemaker Had her up a notch or two Yeah Get her back to Florida

They knew what they were doing Well I hope Sincerely hope She's doing great And very cool You know That falls on your sister To take care of her In this recovery and stuff So great and very cool you know that falls on your sister to take care of her in this recovery

and stuff so that's very cool of Deirdre and her husband she's the best she's so great at this and I feel bad that I'm not doing more so I'm going to try to spend I'm going to definitely spend four or five days if she needs me I'll stay longer we'll see how she's doing and they have the kid who walks in behind you with his underwear

on right in the podcast that you share a room with? Declan has got a lot of fans on social media right now from that. And then what else is going on? We got the coffee mugs for Christmas. We're going to be selling Sunday Papers coffee mugs. People can't wait. We're going to let you guys decide the mug. I believe, is it up on the website yet?

If it's not up on the website now, it will be by this week. So go to the website. Should we get some agreement from the person that made the logo that it's free for us to use? We'll throw them some money. Oh, geez. You're not supposed to say that out loud. Not a lot of money. I'll give them a Greg Fitzsimmons pin.

Oh, so less than a dollar okay give them a mug we'll give them a coffee mug and then uh also what else oh this week we had we had a nice dinner this week with our friends frank sebastiano and chris mcgu. That was amazing. Those guys are so great. Yep. It was like the Joy Luck Club for middle-aged white men trying to get work in Hollywood. Yep. A lot of Norm talk, which was fun.

Yeah, everybody, yeah, Frank was very close to Norm. Now, Frank wrote for Norm on SNL, right? Oh, yeah. Him and Ross Abrash, were they the main wrote for Norm on SNL, right? Oh, yeah. Him and Ross Abrash, were they the main writers for Norm? Yeah, those were the two heavy hitters for sure on Weekend Update. Who wrote the crack whore jokes? I mean, I think it was Frank came up with them, I believe. Yeah.

Yeah. Frank Sebastiano, I consider the best joke writer in Hollywood, like in terms of a lot of people do pure joke writing ability and he he had the distinction of being the only writer to write remotely for David Letterman I believe in the history of the show because he moved to LA and then he was at the same time writing I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, he was also writing for SNL remotely from LA. You can say it. His name appeared in both credits.

And I think he was the only remote writer for SNL. That's how good of a joke writer he was. Yep. So this was before people were writing remotely with the pandemic. I mean, this is many years ago. And he's sending good stuff to both uh which is you know no easy feat normally you just get your your pile of jokes the best ones possible and that's enough and you don't even have that much to send and he was nailing it on both ends now letterman gave us a fax number

and we sent in jokes to letterman for a long time um by the way, last week's live, it was our first live taping in Sacramento. How did you think it went, Mike? I think it went well considering we really were like flying by the seat of our pants, especially with the tech stuff. Yeah. I mean, we were setting up the audio and trying to get it right. And i think the levels are are a little off last week my mic sounded hot and uh anyway we thought the club would filter it it's not their fault anyway we did that right up till like time to record so we didn't have any time to like sort of prep or like mellow out but i thought it went well i mean the people of Sacramento were very cool they were amazing they were great we got a craft it wasn't huge I think there was probably like 60 or 70 people

there and but they were all they all had big personalities and it was fun to get them all on the microphone we got a lot of feedback from people we'll read it when we get to the emails later but a lot of people had feedback about it and and we're gonna do some more live shows I think we should uh we'll definitely do one in. I think we should definitely do one in L.A. I think we should do that in the next couple months for sure. Wow, okay. We'll just do it in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. And then maybe San Francisco.

We're going to talk Mike into coming to San Francisco in November. We'll see. We'll see. I'm surprised I'm even here in Montana. It was last minute thing. Alrighty. Uh, thank you to John Allen for today's song, which kicked ass. That was his, that was his upbeat. So he sent me two songs and this was the rocking one. The other, the other one we'll do, maybe we'll do them back to back next week. The other one was more of uh more mellow and then today's uh logo is brought to us by christine hughes and christy hughes and it looks like we're coming out of a vagina but it's actually us in the fly of men's underwear well you know what right but you know what? Right. But you know what? It's a parody of what?

Uh, Dave, that's the, uh, poster for the TV show. Dave. Oh, no shit.

Yeah. Nice. Cause it's a little Dickie. Yeah. Now it's plural. It's little Dickies. I don't believe we had any corrections for this week. Either we're getting good or you guys are getting bad,

but there was no corrections at all. Of course not. We're flawless. We're starting to nail it. New Dates just booked a weekend in Oxnard, California at the Improv on October 15th and 16th. Oxnard has an Improv? Wow.

Yeah, it's beautiful. It's a beautiful theater um i really i really like it i won't fill it because i they just gave me the date so i've got i've got a few weeks notice and uh and it holds like 600 people so we'll we'll do our best um san francisco punchline november 4th through 6th and then uh dates Boston and Portland coming up in I think December January let's do some ads oh yeah listen

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arizona recount found no voter fraud none we're doing two stories by the way so don't run away um but it did find something this republican Republican-backed Arizona recount. It found 360 more votes for Biden. Huh. That's not the way it was supposed to go. No. Okay. And in the other not news, it turns out Chris Cuomo has been inappropriate with women.

What would have been news is this headline. Chris Cuomo never grabbed a former co-worker's ass that that would have been a headline breaking news chris cuomo's hands not on women's asses for the last two decades yeah uh man he had such a pathetic like apology uh email so that's how they know that this truly transpired yeah he's not denying it transpired um but he like put in like oh whatever it was a very much excuse that sort of alleviated he wrote now that i think of it i am ashamed and then uh that was the subject yeah wow uh but he differentiated uh his his ass grabbing with someone else's, I forget Anyway, in his apology

It's so weird I don't understand how you grab somebody's ass When I was in 8th grade, we used to grab girls' asses I was 12, that's it You're a fucking grown man, you don't grab ass as a grown what the fuck man you're a good looking guy he walked into the party it was at a bar he walked into this gathering walked right up to her grabbed a big bear hug and then reached down and in front of people grabbed her ass and said quote i can do this now that you're no longer my boss.

And she pushed him away, her husband standing right there. And she goes, no, you can't. Wow. That's pretty cut and dry. Why is that? See, God bless her for not suing him. Can that can we just can you just push a guy away and fucking chastise him? I don't know. I want I want chastise him? I don't know.

I want, I wanted to sue him. I don't like him. I don't like a lot of the guys on CNN as a matter of fact, or the women. There's such drama Queens. Oh my God. Oh my God. They're so self-referential and they're so fucking pedantic. Also, you think you're going to win anybody over?

And I know we have Rachelachel maddow fans listening but let's please she's so obnoxious and pompous she's so pompous i can't watch her it's like she gets me wondering oh should i just vote red to spite her it's like and and in other words and imagine that trying to win over some fair-minded Republicans to be like, you know what? She has a point. You can't even get there because she's so obnoxious. She's trying to be Jon Stewart. That's what she tried to be out of the gate, it seemed to me.

Yes. And with the long pauses, with the long little facial expressions, like we're all so on board. We're hanging on each mug that you make. Cut the shit. Read the fucking news. Get a couple laughs. And let's get to Don Lemon. Who's worse?

He is. He is. All right, let's get to the front page, Mike. Oh, here it is. I have. That's not a newspaper. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! That's not a newspaper Extra, extra We all love it

Extra No, it's mini pretzels from American Airlines Do you know I flew American out here And the flight attendant came by The flight transsexual came by and punched her in the face because you didn't want to wear a mask she goes do you want pretzels or you know those little fucking uh cookie biscuits that they give out those little golden brown things i well i said to her i go can i get both and she gave me a hard time she goes we got a lot of people on the plane

i go you don't have it I go my daughter really likes his cookies I always bring them home as a treat for her but I also want some bread I got into a whole discussion with her and she finally gave them to me and it kind of made a scene I felt like a Karen I'd say yeah you're even more high maintenance than the person whose throat's swelling up from the peanuts yeah the last time I flew I went back to the bathroom and the little box with all the cookies was unattended. And I grabbed like seven of them, gave them to my daughter. I forget what airline it was, but it was American Flight here. But run by like kind of another smaller. So it's a smaller plane.

Somehow it's nonstop from Los Angeles to Glacier National Park. And so this is a much smaller plane and tight. Somehow it's nonstop from Los Angeles to Glacier national park. And, uh, so this is a much smaller plane and tight, but the people are bigger. They, uh, they're bigger than,

and not just fat, but like, these are hardy. Like the kid next to me was his, like, you know, I have pretty solid thighs. I looked like an 80 year old woman's thighs next to this guy and i'm like he must have trouble buying pants yeah uh and he had his hiking boots on everyone was like geared

up like they're coming here to go hiking yeah to lose some weight hopefully north carolina funeral home said it has reached out to apologize after two sisters who went to view their mother's body instead found another woman wearing her clothes inside the casket. I read about this. Oh, my God. How wonderful is that? You know, the archer said there was no resemblance between their mother and the woman who was in the casket. between their mother and the woman who was in the casket. Hey, excuse me, sir.

My mom was white. Which kind of chlorophyll did you use? No, but she said the unidentified woman, quote, was swimming in the clothes because she was so small compared to my mother. Because I don't know if you've been through this hopefully not but you have to bring whatever clothes you want them to spend the rest of eternity in you bring them to the funeral parlor and they dress her right the sisters approached workers at hunter's funeral home who at first denied the woman was someone else that's the best. It's like. Nope.

No, no, that's her. No, that's her. She's our mom. And this, this old emaciated woman is not her. No, that's her. No, death changes a person. You'd be shocked. So many people don't recognize their loved ones after they die.

So do you know how they then absolutely confirmed it wasn't her? How? They went in the bowels of the funeral home or wherever that stuff, the bombing happens, and they went down and there was their larger mom laying over on a slab. They had two women bodies, two corpses there, there and they're like they got the clothes and you don't how did the person you know they must just have like their airpods in listening to whatever music and they're like okay i got this set of clothes here's the two naked cadavers uh all right i'm going to start trusting this one and the person swimming in the clothes the larger body is sitting over there to the right never occurs to them i wonder if these

are her clothes yeah yeah right if it's yeah if if they're if the clothes they're giving you to put on the corpse if it's a t-shirt that says death to disco and the guy doesn't have a mullet. You got the wrong guy. No, that's him. Pretty sure that's him. Here's another dead body. Two men in Byram, Mississippi, spotted a vehicle on the side of the road with a free car sign on it and the key inside. They couldn't believe their luck and drove the car about 30 miles to a relative's house. Unfortunately, they soon realized that the free car also included a free corpse. What a way to dispose of a body.

Yeah, the body had been there for several days and was found without clothes. Must have been a sign also, free clothes. Yeah, that's kind of like, hey, are you taking a flight today? Do you mind taking this teddy bear to Los Angeles for me? You can have it totally free. In fact, here's some free money also. And someone will want the teddy bear on the other side. Yeah.

Actually, they'll only want it for a minute. They'll go in the restroom. Then they're going to give you the teddy bear. You can keep the teddy bear. Yeah. It's free. Free teddy bear. And I wondered, after they got caught with the dead body,

do they get to keep the car? Because, I mean, technically the transaction happened. It said free car. They took the car. It needs a little work, the car, in the trunk area. Just a little bit. A little bit of a wipe down. Yeah. Do you like that

old body smell here's your new car honey can you get the groceries out of the cart no no put them in the back seat next time uh here's another dead dead body story man what i do have to by the way next week i'm gonna load this you did all the work on loading the stories this week so uh hats off to you and i owe you next week i'll try to find just as many dead body stories i love it uh russian woman is being accused by her cryonics tycoon ex-husband of raiding his cryogenics lab and stealing brains and frozen cadavers of wealthy people hoping to be brought back to life. Wow. Danila Medvedev.

Medvedev, that's the guy who won the U.S. Open this year, claims the transportation of the bodies was organized by his ex-wife, Valeria, who gathered some staff from her company. Police intercepted the trucks with cryogenics patients in Dewar tanks full of liquid nitrogen shortly after the raid. Some of the corpses stolen belonged to wealthy Americans. According to the Times, they estimated that over 80 remains, including brains and full bodies. The company refers to these cadavers as patients. Wow.

Wow. That is, I mean, it's kind of like remember they froze uh was it uh ted williams brain or something like that yeah um or he had it frozen that's interesting you know this thing when i was on the man show wait just talking about ted williams when i was on the man show i was a writer on the man show when it was rogan and stanhope and uh one of the skits we did was i played frozen ted williams and they put me in this crazy block of ice and wheeled me out and then i i cursed out uh rogan and stanhope i was like why don't you go eat some more bugs rogan and uh i was like because i was it was the manliest man in the world uh ted williams was close to the manliest man in the world two tours of duty while being the best hitter maybe ever in

baseball i think it was duty sorry fighting fighter fighter pilot in korea i believe right and apparently he set every record for being a fighter pilot in terms of accuracy of his bombs, all that stuff. He was like, apparently the best it's ever done it. He loved fishing and had a fishing boat in Florida and he invited, maybe it was like you stream ski, something like that. A teammate, right? Like a fun loving, like Carl, you stream ski. I think it was Carl.astrzemski. So Yaz. And, uh, so Yaz tells the story, he shows up on the docks and he's approaching Ted Williams boat. And, you know, Yaz has his fishing stuff and two six packs. He's like, no, no, not on my boat.

And he has like, what are you talking about? He's like, no beer on my boat. He's like, we're not drinking while we're fishing. He's like, nope, not on my boat. He's like, then I'm not fishing and fucking he has turned around but that's what a lunatic ted williams was like nope we're just going out and focusing on catching fish did he ever tip his cap wasn't that a big thing that he never tipped his cap to the crowd that was one of my favorite things i was working in new york and was a little bored but anyway at lunch i went over to the New York Public Library had an exhibit and it was this really cool art writers and artists on baseball anyway I read in there it might have been John Updike I apologize if I have this wrong but an amazing American man of letters was a boy at Ted Williams last game in Fenway park and it was his last at bat and and ted williams

storied career his last at bat he hit a home run ted williams famously never acknowledged the crowd he also had some issues with the boston crowd and uh they they had booed him before and i'm forgetting and um these red sox fans who are already angry and racist to begin with. I just threw racist in there, but are probably going to be angry with my story. But he never, though, acknowledged like he never came out for curtain calls, never tipped his cap, anything like that. And the guide said he when he hit the home run, everyone lost their minds for obvious reasons. But also there was the hope you could feel in the 40,000 people that this will be the time his final curtain call. This will be the time he tips his cap.

And he said, but no, Williams ran around the bases and he goes. And our thunderous applause was like rain that he was trying to get around the bases and in the dugout to get out from under like he like even his posture was like i just have to run these bases because that's the rules and then he ran right into the dugout and did not take a curtain call i love it boston fans don't deserve it. They are so, they will turn on you in a fucking dime. I remember all the years I was in Boston, I couldn't believe how many players got ostracized by the fans that were good players.

There was especially black players, I have to say. Oh, wow. All right. There was that guy, I can't remember his name. He was playing for the Celtics and he was a rookie and he was a high draft pick. And he came in and he was playing really well. And he lived out in Newton, which is a pretty white area. And he came home one day, got out of his car and cops tackled him.

Yep. There was also Weston. Weston is an incredibly white neighborhood, rich, white, wealthy neighborhood, a suburb of Boston. And they got a Celtic out of the car, told him to get on the ground, guns drawn, you know, hands on the back of your head. And he was going to the ATM, like in that little part of Weston, yeah. Right, right. Here's another dead person.

A woman and her daughter in California were arrested and charged with murder after they performed a botched butt injection procedure that resulted in a woman's death uh this woman died after she went to uh to get an outlaw buttocks augmentation procedure um they advertised their services on social media for $3,500. Social media. So how does that, who's buying this? What are you on TikTok?

And you see Megan Thee Stallion's new video is LOL. Anyone need cock pumped into their ass for $3,500? All right, wait, this is my first time reading this story. Do they take fat from another part of the body, which essentially makes it two operations? No, no, no,

no. They put cock like the shit you put into a house. Okay. Yeah. You'd be better off with two operations. Yeah. Shortly afterward, the victim died. All right.

Yeah. Wow. All right. No, this is a big thing of like people getting Botox done on the side or getting butts done on the side. And yeah, they're going to jail. Wow. Mother and daughter.

Also, everyone wanting fat asses, I think, is misguided. It is amazing when you see how many women have this disfiguration. And, you know, some of them, I think you can work out and produce a butt that looks like that if you do a lot of squats and certain types of exercises. No, no, no. If you're born with it. I mean, no, of course you can increase the size. a butt that looks like that if you do a lot of squats and certain types of exercises no no if you're born with i mean no of course you can increase the size like you can increase the size of your biceps but to a point yeah you're not gonna have like a fat meaty ass like uh like these people want did the kardashians do anything to their asses? I don't know, but listen, I've been around the Kardashians in real life.

It's shocking. It's shocking how, in my opinion, how bizarre looking they are. And there's certain photographs where you see them and you're like, that's not real. Like it's really almost disfigured if i can say that so when were you around the kardashians you never told me that oh on talk shows yeah of course you know like i'd go in and you know i have to like kim segment or whatever like you know like the last i mean it was a long time ago but like on lopez tonight and all that but you know what if i've done award shows they've been there so you know

i've done a lot of late night you know and talk shows have you talked to any of them oh yeah kim's so nice she was really really really nice oh yeah totally in my very short experience like kim kardashian they were all really nice and outgoing kim is uh i think she's super hot i think she's really beautiful oh here's a before and after that chris just posted look at that yeah something was added look at the way it hangs over her back leg that's not that's not normal maybe maybe but also might she have been pregnant i don't know with two babies in her ass. Yeah. Here's a story out of Philadelphia. A customer became angry.

Hold on. A customer became angry that the Chipotle was closing early, so she pulled a gun and demanded that somebody better give me my food. God bless her. I mean, I'm so close. The only reason I haven't done that is I don't have access to a gun i are you kidding me if i i would pull a gun to get out of a chipotle and not have to eat that shit you don't like chipotle it's fucking terrible it's always spicy which is weird you know i can't really i'm the gringo in me can i even it's over salted it's got so much salt in it and what is spicy here and

i think it's like uh the is it maybe the rice some there's a sneaky spice in chipotle so the woman demanded to speak to the store's manager i like that with a gun out you actually have to go up the chain i think pretty much anyone's going to get your food once the gun is out. As a button was pushed to call mall security to the scene, an employee complied and made the woman's order in an effort to get her to leave. Once she got her food, she took it

and left. Here's the best part of the story. Anyone who recognizes the woman is asked to call detectives at 215-686-3153. She was in a mall she ordered it and got out without mall security how do you how do you fucking they had so much time yeah she also stormed the capitol so she should be easy to find i I don't know why. That's right. She was bringing money to some rioters, bringing the food to some rioters. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Mall security. Somebody should do a movie about a funny mall security guy. They were closing early. She wanted her food. It's like the Wild West. She just got their attention. That's the thing about having a gun is if you carry a gun, you're going to use the fucking gun. Like I, I don't know how many times in my life that if I had a gun in my, my belt that I would have fucking pulled it out and used it.

Well, it's a nice also just, you want to send a message or you want, no, no, I want you to hear me out and you're just holding it up the gun, pointing it at the sky. I just want you to hear me out. Okay. You will be heard out. and you're just holding up the gun, pointing it at the sky. I just want you to hear me out, okay? You will be heard out. The other thing you can do is somebody once gave me,

when I was at a talk show, we got some swag, and I had this MMA sweatshirt. And I swear to God, I think the people, when I wore it, gave me a little bit more space. Because this was before MMA was really big. space because this is before MMA was really big. This was like back in 2003 when, when, when it was just emerging.

Yeah. And, uh, yeah. Animals fighting in cages or in backyards. Or if you just get like a, a, one of those silk jackets with the dragon on it and the name of a dojo with some Korean lettering on it and you wear that shit around,

people are going to give you some space give him space he still lives with his mom he's having a tough time this is what i would do the guy and you've heard me talk about i would do the this is how i would use a gun a movie theater fucking six long lines waiting for popcorn and all and i'm just like okay i need everybody's attention. Everyone like starts screaming. They're like, is this a robbery? I'm like, this is not a robbery, but everyone has to listen to my demands. Registers one, two, and three, shut your registers down. We're just going to keep open four and five. You three now go, you register one. All

you do is shovel corn. That's all you're going to do is shovel corn. That's your job. You, you're on sodas. Three, you're bringing them when the person on the registers yells out the order. We're going to move this along. You don't need a gun to become a movie theater manager, Mike. You can just fill out an application. No, they will not listen unless you threaten death. They just don't get the concept. It's been around since around 1905.

It's called an assembly system. Not everyone has to fucking take the order and then go wait on line to shovel popcorn for us. Next stop, Dodger Stadium. It shouldn't take 45 minutes to get a Dodger dog. Well, Dodger Stadium is the worst if you're at chase stadium there is a fucking hot dog guy every seven minutes there's a beer guy every seven minutes you don't get out of your seat dodger stadium do they even have them do they even exist because they take

forever los angeles stupidest city in amer. Hands down. I hate Dodger Stadium. It fucking sucks. Good luck going to a concert at the Rose Bowl. They still haven't figured out parking. Right. Or Hollywood Bowl also. Oh, man. I heard the new SoFi Stadium.

I had friends go to it, and it's a disaster. It was Rabih. Rabih waited. He said his car didn't move for 40 online to get out of the parking lots family all in the car it didn't move he put it in park for 45 minutes no shit and it took an hour to get out of the parking lot do you think that's normal every week uh i don't know i mean i mean you know that was by the way the first time they've used the stadium for a game no they had a lot of warm-up things they had even had concerts already and they had

a pre-season game no no no excuse there they don't have public transportation going there that's what was helping the rams when they played at usc is so many people would dump out and then by the way you wait 45 minutes to get on a tram but um it's really really uh challenging i guess this new this new location but you should see what it's you should see what it's like trying to get out of my comedy shows at this fucking casino with all the scooters lined up it's a good 45 minutes before you can nice uh there's a right-wing televangelist named kenneth copeland he's begging viewers to send him cash to support his private jet so he won't have to deal with the coronavirus

mandate to travel which he called quote the mark of the beast wow copeland who in the past has claimed that he needed a private jet to avoid demons on commercial flights oh quote you get into this situation we're not going to let you fly unless you're vaccinated well to me that's the mark of the beast he copeland owns a fleet of private jets and an airport and also gripe that he needs to fly privately because too many people want to talk to him on commercial flights. Oh, like the beast is the beast. One of those people that, yeah, you, we've seen videos of the beast on a lot of these flights. Yeah.

Um, yeah, you know, he needs the, he needs the private jet. So he's not annoyed. He needs the cocaine, uh, cause it flushes the vaccine out of the nose and, and the teenage girls are, uh, well well hell let's just be honest they're just for fucking okay uh oh man this guy the nerve on this preacher wow i looked him up he's worth 760 million dollars and but he needs cash well he needs a new i guess he needs a new jet yeah his private jet all right isn't that insane good luck to you don't get the vaccine of course

not and this is all money coming from people that are struggling that that have to cough up a hundred bucks a week that they don't really have. Oh, it's this guy with the crazy eyes. I've seen him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been divorced three times. Wow. When you're a Catholic, you're out of the club when you get divorced. Yeah. I guess he's probably Baptist. What denomination do you think this guy is? So he married three demons, huh? So Chris Denman is writing,

watch Lisa Guerrero interview him. Note, Chris, how about people listen to us talk about him? What do you do? Why are you diverting our traffic? Lisa Guerrero, the, oh, to talk about diverting traffic. So last night might I might have been a little stoned I listened to the album uh wish you were here yeah dude I forgot have you when was the last time you listened just you know there's five songs on the album it's

bonkers and I literally go tomorrow on the podcast is what I'm going to say. Uh, anyone listening right now, just stop listening. The first song is shine on you. Crazy diamond. It's 13 minutes long and it's like the best thing I've ever heard. And I promised myself I would just say that on podcast, like take a 13 minute break. Right. By the way, if you want to go for a bike ride, if you want to go on a walk, if you, if you have something you can't, you've been avoiding, cleaning the garage, set your timer for 13 minutes, put that song on and just start it. Whatever you do will be enjoyable. Wow. Push-ups.

Do push-ups. Okay. But play that song. There, I said it. Okay. And I will say, listen to The End by The Doors. 13 minutes. No way.

Well, I'm just telling you. And then they reprise Shine On You, Crazy Diamond. That's the last song on the album. And that is also bonkers. They play the same song? It's jazz. It's like jazz guitar. Obviously, blues are in there, but it's jazz it's like jazz guitar obviously blues are in there but it's this

incredible hybrid i actually think pink floyd got worse as they went on but anyway well yeah so did jefferson airplane so did no no but what i mean is people think the wall is the high point i mean the wall sounded like they pink floyd got a little dumber and simpler. Like, I mean, you know, Animals, Wish You Were Here, Dark Side of the Moon. I mean, holy crap. They were just a crazy, like, it was almost like an arthouse band. That's the first CD I owned was Dark Side of the Moon.

It's still, I think, top three albums of all time, I think so. All right, should we get to some entertainment? I just did, but here you go. Oh, yeah, you started entertainment early. Yeah, sorry, I jumped the gun, but I was like, if I don't do it now, I'm not going to remember it. And it's one of those stoner promises, you know oh my god it's so good uh let's talk about

elon musk here for a second uh him and grimes i guess he was married to say have you ever heard a singer named grimes yeah sure country right i have no idea no you're thinking of leanne rhymes oh not leanne grimes rhymes she's like she's like a pop singer and uh they've broken up after three years together uh he confirmed that him and the canadian singer are semi-separated but remain on good terms and continue to co-parent their one-year-old son named x a e a hyphen x i i musk yeah who's gonna get custody of x i i x x v v x i wonder if his nickname in school will just be douchebag yeah uh exactly Yeah Wedgie hanging from the fence Yeah You know that The son is named after Elon Like one of Elon's favorite airplanes

Really? Yeah I think that's what that is Damn Who knew Who knew that this lunatic on the spectrum Would get divorced Didn't see it coming Well this is his like third time they were Who knew that this lunatic on the spectrum would get divorced? Didn't see it coming. Well, this is his third time.

They were, let's see, he previously was married to Justine Wilson, who he had five sons with. Wow. And he was also married twice to Westworld actress Tallulah Riley. They divorced, remarried, and then he dated amber heard following her ill-fated marriage to johnny depp this is the fucking lunatic who falsely accused johnny depp of uh abusing her did i just say that falsely wow allegedly falsely allegedly i mean allegedly false a lot of adverbs uh i believe doug stanhope who's good friends with Johnny Depp,

and says this woman's a fucking lunatic. They could also coexist. Sometimes lunatics are right. Yeah, that's true. Well, listen, Elon, if you want a little marriage device, if you want a little, that's what he's more interested in, if you want a little marriage device, if you want a little, that's what he's more interested in. If you want a little marriage advice, they don't drive themselves. They require work and you have to pay attention and you have to steer it through challenging times.

You don't just sit in the back seat with a newspaper and let this fucking thing go where it wants. Because when you let it go where it wants, this is where it goes. And you got to put the nozzle in that hole and fill it up with liquid once in a while. Yeah, exactly. That's it. It's not going to recharge itself. All right, let's do some Florida, man.

Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. The one story I put in here, which is not even about man at all. Python removal program grows in Southwest Florida. Southwest Florida has added 10, quote, scout snakes into its Burmese python research and removal program scout snakes also called sentinel snakes are male pythons with surgical a lot of s's thank god i don't have a lisp shout snakes also called sentinel snakes are male pythons with surgically implanted radio transmitters i'm not mocking uh speech imped, but this would be a rough one. This is exactly what you're doing.

Is it? Okay. Bartasek and his crew at the conservancy track, they track these snakes to find female pythons that are reproductively active. So these male snakes with the tracking device get in the Everglades and go try to get laid. And it's very important that they find these females. with the tracking device, get in the Everglades and go try to get laid. And it's very important that they find these females. The female Burmese pythons can lay anywhere from 12 to, wait for it, 95 eggs, depending on its size. And they generally reproduce every other year.

An average clutch, which is, I guess, the name of their batch of eggs is usually 43 eggs yeah damn that's a lot of those snakes it is out of control but imagine being the guy imagine your job is like okay here's the tracking device uh this is what's guaranteed the very large snake who has the tracking device you're gonna go find him and he's gonna be with a female who could be way bigger and try fucking with animals that are trying to have sex you think that mama bear is angry you're stopping this guy from getting laid yeah oh man and i like that they put a... Did we talk about that on air that I saw Bear earlier? Or was that before we got on air?

No, we talked about it on air. Yeah, they were cute. It's a surgically implanted radio transmitter and the male snake. And I just wonder what they're playing on the radio. It's got to be like some techno or something. They're trying to get them to breed it that snake situation i might have talked about this a long time ago but i remember seeing a disturbing video a uh like a a ranger in the everglades park was riding his bicycle like to another part of the park and he stopped

and on his iPhone he filmed and he looked in there and what he saw was the head of a snake and the head of this very big snake was just on the top of water really just this just mellowing out but there was a lot of agitation in the water behind it like you know about 10 feet behind it and what he saw was the snake's body was wrapped around a crocodile and it was drowning it wow the crocodile was no match for this python whose face again it's just calmly on the face of the water as its body is strangling and drowning a crocodile behind it. Dude, the Everglades is fucked. Yeah. Damn.

Well, it's Florida, man. That's how they do national parks. All right, let's do some international. There we go. A flight from Boston to San Juan landed Wednesday evening with one passenger restrained to a chair with multiple seatbelt extenders after an insane midair altercation. The passenger, named Khalil Eldar, had attempted to make a phone call near the end of the flight

and became angry about the call's unsuccess. He pulled himself out of his seat and rushed towards the cockpit, yelling in Spanish and Arabic that someone should shoot and kill him. Look, we either need more air marshals or better cell coverage on these flights. He also was yelling about Chipotle, which is a bad sign because those people usually are packing no he was yelling that he wanted some of those brown fucking sugar cookies that they won't give out eldar grappled with the flight

attendant who attempted to intercept him punching and kicking him in the chest and strangling him with the attendant's own tie it took six or seven crew members to restrain the passenger with plastic zip tie handcuffs, but Eldar somehow managed to break out of them. What? Another pair was used in addition to at least four seatbelt extenders and the flight attendant's tie, and law enforcement met the plane when it landed in San Juan. What? Yeah, this guy was fucking jacked on something what is going on there man wow

it's happening it's happening everywhere did you see other video this week of like the woman who punched i think it might have been a delta flight attendant or something but punched her in the face weeks ago yeah that was bad yeah i mean these people are snapping like crazy no on my flight here somebody asked for a glass of wine and the flight attendant said sorry we're not we're not selling booze anymore because of all the incidents yeah we're like cleveland at a baseball game that's what this country's become sorry you can't handle it yeah right no alcohol for you jesus what is happening i mean what do you at first i thought it was because of covid is it that people are wearing masks and it's making them crazy i don't know i mean maybe it's like

there's a little opportunity to get crazy and everyone's jumping on it like the crazies have always been out there obviously but uh i don't i mean i think it is stress there's pent-up stress and anxiety in the country in the world once i once got a fight once on an airplane i was in new york and i just got done i was show running this pilot and it went extremely badly and i was flying home and i was in a shit mood and i went to uh put my overhead my baggage in the overhead and this guy put his in right like he doubled back and put it in as i was putting mine in and kind of knocked me out of the way and i grabbed him by the shirt and i said i said i'm not in the fucking mood for this and usually people back down and he stepped up and said i'm not in the mood for this either and we had this standoff where we're waiting for one guy to punch the other guy and nobody did and then we just sort of like went to our

separate seats and we and he was sitting directly behind me oh no yeah that's awkward yeah um well yeah you have road rage and i can i guess it's the the you know the that runways are included yep oh yeah planes make me a little uptight i'm better if i take a little edible before i fly, with this, oh, wow, okay. With this guy, yeah, you're right. Air marshals, where are they? But also, I can't believe more guys aren't being just punched out. Oh, I would fucking, I would be all over somebody. Some guy like that, count me in. Let's roll.

I don't even think, you know, obviously he could sue you for any reason, but I don't think any lawsuit would hold water like your life is being threatened yeah uh you you just you just aim for that you know side of the chin which is the you go to sleep now button yep and you smash it side of the throat side of the throat right there on the side of the neck anywhere in the throat get in it get in a quick, quick jab. And he's going down. What does that do?

The person goes to sleep there, too? Or they're just so hurt? No, you knock them out. Oh, all right. All right. What do we got? Speaking of sports. Oh, Jesus.

All right. Week one of the NFL. You won Tampa Bay the week one by one fucking point on the spread. This past week, I had to give 12 points. And I think Tampa Bay won by 22 points. That was disgusting. I only saw the score. I was actually camping, and you kind of ruined my little moment there.

So we're back to even, and this week they're in our hometown. Tampa Bay is coming to Los Angeles, and you believe this shit? They're only one-and-a-half-point favorites over the Rams. This is a fucking slam dunk for me this week. Well, what do they say say i think there's a general rule at least it was when i was a kid that the home team begins with three points and then

they do the math right so what this is saying is what that it's that it would be it's really closer than than the spread even indicates it would have have been 1.5 going to Tampa Bay, I think, if you take that three out. Exactly. Wow, okay. All right, well, go Rams. Let's see. Yeah, I think it's going to be an annihilation.

That half a point is going to F us. We'll see if it holds. Right now the line's one and a half. Speaking of the Rams, Chris Denman just popped this story in. He's very excited about this. Judge paves the way for potential jury trial in St. Louis lawsuit against Rams NFL. A state court paved the way for their lawsuit in which local authorities are seeking $1 billion or more. Appearing on Tim McKernan on 590, the fans the morning after, Daniel Wallach of the Athletics mentioned a lot of the issues of the Rams.

What are you putting in here? Why do I need to read that part what happened also is the rams went to the super bowl after they moved that's a lot of money right like you have you have a team that goes all the way through the play playoffs and gets to the final dance whatever yeah but they got better they fucking sucked in st louis they sucked for so many years they got to la we gave them some better players and they fucking went to the super bowl i mean i don't know i think i think those plans might have already started in st louis the the team building yeah all right another story tiger woods texted i guess the

u.s rider cup is going on this weekend yes very big deal i didn't know that so uh he uh texted the team to inspire them and the article goes to say while tiger woods did not make the trip to whistling straits the legendary golfer texted u.s members of the team and some players said it helped inspire them during their matches the gist of basically what he said, this is a quote who talks like this, was, I'm cheering you guys on. I'm right there with you and go fight and make us proud. Here's the problem. Tiger Woods texted this inspiring message to them while driving

and he wrapped himself around another tree. So that's not good. I'd be scared whenever I get a text from Woods that he might have done it while driving. Yeah. And he's, the greatest thing is that like his biggest sponsor was a car company and then he fucking crashes the car of the company

that he's endorsing. Well, he had American Express also. So I guess he gets a good uh you know they they add to the warranty of all the cars he trashes yeah exactly and i wonder he just take ambien on as a sponsor because that's what that's what's causing all this shit well man you know we know about a you know a few of his crashes but in that documentary when you saw him pulled over and that was a crash they averted yeah i he was incapable of standing and talking never mind driving all right all right yeah um let's do some science here it goes

Here it goes. William Shatner to go to space in Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin rocket ship. The sci-fi actor 90 will be going to space aboard Amazon founder Jeff Bezos' New Shepard rocket. Shatner will be the oldest person ever to travel to space with this historic ride. The Canada native's 15-minute flight, that's all it is. 15-minute flight will occur sometime in October. Seems like they should know when. It's next month.

The mission will be filmed for an upcoming documentary featuring the actor who played Captain James T. Kirk on the iconic series the name of that documentary the death of william shatner what a perfect ending i mean what what better fucking ending to a documentary than the guy dying that would be amazing well what what shatner shatner sees, this phallic symbol go off into space when Bezos went up and was like, yep, that's me. Yeah. I want to be in that penis ripping through the sky.

And they got to get him doing another version of that. And I think it's going to be a long, long time. That's right. Reading those shitty lyrics. That's when you could tell how shitty the lyrics were when you got shatner doing his best shatner reading rocket man lyrics yeah right i wonder what else is in the documentary i mean everybody hates the guy everybody that worked with him says he's an asshole well wait you know he tried to fight me. What? Okay.

Mary Connolly literally broke up the almost fight. Meanwhile, I didn't know it was going to be a fight. And I was like, you know, just standing there and he came up and got in my face. So we, uh, this is a very, everyone who hears this story will know I'm not lying because they've seen Shatner clips. So the idea was on Craig Kilbourne's late night show, Shatner was kind of a friend of the show and he would come and do the show when he wasn't busy killing his wife. Allegedly, you know, when they, he called nine one, one, his wife, who was a professional swimmer, a competitive swimmer. At one point, she's at the bottom of the pool. He calls nine one,

one. I believe this is all true. Police police show up immediately he's dry and she's at the bottom of the pool yeah i'm gonna say allegedly but i think everything i just said is absolutely true yeah but sometimes like you know when the sun is shining on you and the water's a little bit cold you're just like it I just don't want to. It's that first second that you jump in. Right. And sometimes it's easier if there's some sort of adrenaline rush. He had neither.

He had no, there was no urgency going on. Yeah. That's crazy. I never heard that. Allegedly. So anyway, this bit was basically, it was like a homoerotic uh like game of catch with craig and it might even been called that and so they have a hey you want to throw the old pigskin around and shatner goes sure and so that's how and he and craig did this with a lot

of people so you would say your line like uh like let's say i'm'm Craig Kilbourne and I'm holding the football. I'd be like, hey, Bill, to William Shatner, you ever imagine me washing a car with jean shorts and a hose and getting all wet? And then I throw the football to him, right? So Shatner's rehearsing this. And the problem is he'd throw it like in the middle of his line or he'd throw it like before the line. But the camera's now on Craig who caught the ball. So I just in directing say, um, Oh, Mr. Shatner, um, you know, just finish your whole line before you throw the ball. And he's like, excuse me. And I'm like, well, you say, you say your whole line and the blocking of it. And then you throw the ball. He's like, what are you saying? And I go,

well, you would say, and I look into the prompter and I go, you would say, do you ever imagine me and then throw it. And then his fucking face turned red and veins started bulging out his neck. He's like, did you just give me a line read? And I'm like, no. no and he's like did you just read the line in that prompter i'm like yeah for blocking i'm just telling you but i didn't give i didn't tell you how to say it he's like you didn't just tell me and he now is approaching me and getting in my face and i'm like bigger than this guy but i'm like what is going and And Mary Connolly runs over. Cause apparently she's the executive producer of the show. She's like helping me. And I'm like the co-EP. She has seen this before, I guess I haven't. And I'm like, well, this isn't real. So I'm not taking it seriously.

And I guess maybe I have a smirk on my face as he's like walking right under my chin and she runs over and puts her hands between me and literally goes, Mr. Shatter, I'm so sorry. I will fire Mike today. I will personally, I'm personally going to fire him. Don't. And she looks at me and goes, get upstairs. And I'm like, what the fuck? Is this real?

I thought he was doing a bit. That's amazing. And the whole booth was watching. Like, you know, everyone was called into the booth and they're like, oh, my God, Shatner's about to take a swing at Gibby. Wow. Yeah. Dude, do you think they recorded it? I don't know.

I know. I'm sure I would have seen it. Yeah. I don't think so. They should have been running on it. Oh, that's so great. Yeah. So good luck.

Imagine him on a flight. We should make sure he's flying private because he will fucking snap on a flight. Oh, Captain James T. Kirk being told what to do, especially when in the sky, in the sky of all places. That's his domain. Yeah. If you're kidding me, he's in his captain's. He wants to be in the captain's chair. Yeah. Scientists have identified the earliest known human footprints in North America left by people who lived in New Mexico some 23,000 years ago. Wait a minute.

I'm Christian. The Bible says the Earth's only 6,000 years old. How can they have lived 23,000 years ago? Not only that, the foot had a Birkenstock on it already. That's how old those fucking crunchy things are down in the Southwest. Well-preserved and numbering in the dozens, the tracks are about 10,000 years older

than the previous record holder. It's in the last glacial maximum when ice sheets extended as far south as New York City. 10,000 years older. Wow, than the previous wreck the previous footprint a lot of the tracks were made by children which is a bias that exists in other human footprint sites around the world like kids today these youngsters were probably running around stomping and playing more than adults um i imagine yeah i mean I don't know if, if, if, if they discover this place in 23,000 years in Connecticut,

they're mostly going to find wheel marks embedded heavily into the soil outside from the fucking scooters that these fat fucks are driving around. You know, what's really interesting in this story is Tarantino. I think he's going to try to buy these footprints. He's so obsessed with his foot fetish. Dude, I heard about that, and then I saw Kill Bill. Maybe it's Kill Bill 2, where the first 20 minutes of the movie is Uma Thurman's feet as she's unbuckling herself and starting a car.

Like it's like full screen of her feet. Well, Brad Pitt gave an acceptance speech at one of his awards for a once upon a time in Hollywood. And it was a joke about the three women's feet who he featured in the movie. Yeah. Once you hear that, you start noticing how often he puts women's feet in his movies.

Yep. Damn. Hey, look, in Pulp Fiction, it's Uma Thurman's feet again. Oh, dancing.

Yep. Look, I'm a fan of a nice pair of feet and Uma certainly possesses a pair of nice feet. But I mean, if I'm a director, I'm not putting them in the fucking movie. Yeah.

Wouldn't you be like, I got to throw people off the scent here a little bit yeah uh you want you want to do some business uh boy do i what do you want to talk about here we go business all right what do we got uh well we got a few stories let's talk about um online content subscription firm only fans backtracked and on its decision to ban sexually explicit content amid protests by adult content creators who rely on the company for their livelihoods yeah i mean they'll say they're doing oh they're being so you know benevolent and allowing it for their meanwhile

i mean only fans was going to be dead without it well the platform announced thursday that it would be banning pornography from its platform from october 1st to quote comply with the requests of our banking partners he singled out banks bny melon metro Metro Bank, and JP Morgan as being particularly difficult. Who do you think is on fucking OnlyFans? It's these yuppie bankers that have the money to give these women $10,000 to put their feet on the screen while they jerk off. Yeah. They're like, thank you, everyone. This is a quote for making your voices heard. And it added OnlyFans stands for inclusion. And we want to continue to provide a home for all creators. So like, so Lisa from accounting can just slut it out every night to supplement her income.

Inclusion. I've never checked out OnlyF that have you seen it i've never checked out only fans yet but you know what i was thinking is that a way around should we put our podcast on only fans well i know denman does a thing where he shows his asshole because it looks he says it looks like a swastika and a lot of his friends from QAnon get on there. And I think they gave him a dollar to pull his ass cheeks apart. But also the tattoo, Make America Great Again, where the G is his anus in the again at the end.

And it's red, just like the hat. It sure is. All right. I got to get to Glacier glacier national park what are we doing let's do all right let's uh let's skip down to uh we'll skip asking let's do some letters oh yeah holy shit guys the live episode in the sack was amazing i wanted to meet everyone in the crowd so now i've got to be at the next one more exclamation point wow from Rapatani. They were a good crowd. I'll give them that.

Yeah, that one Indian guy was fucking hilarious. I mean, they all talked a lot, but I liked it. Some people were critical of how much they talked. Some loved how much they talked. What do you mean how much they talked? Well, the blonde woman was a little chatty. Her stories were a little long. Oh, yeah, yeah, in her seat. People were commenting on that blonde woman was a little chatty. Her stories were a little long. Oh, yeah, yeah, in her seat.

People were commenting on that blonde woman. Yeah, they said, was the chick at the bottom right hired to strain her face all night? Oh, I didn't check. Luckily, I didn't see that. That would have been distracting. She was a good-looking gal. Well, Jamie Alvarez said that she looked like christina p which i could see that

christina's attractive she's very attractive yeah i don't want to say too attractive because i don't want to oh creepy but i think she's a beautiful woman um the woman in the front row who speaks with an echo looks like she has never been to a g show before. Her mouth is agape almost the entire time, and her husband keeps looking back at her and shaking his head. What show did they think they were in? Yeah. That's quite a skill to speak with an echo. Yeah, that might have been our technology again.

We might have helped her on that. So if you want to send in notes, FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. We're also soliciting some more logos. We need some more logos for the next few weeks. If you want to send something in, we always appreciate those. Quick obituary. And that's all, folks. George Holliday, who was the plumber who videotaped the 1991 police beating of Rodney King.

Oh, wow. He died from COVID at the age of 61. Oh, no. So it says he was asleep on the morning of March 3rd, 1991, when he was awakened to the sounds of sirens and helicopters. He stepped out onto his apartment balcony, grabbed his new camcorder. And when he saw the police beating King, uh started recording it he contacted ktla they aired it and it became a national headline uh after three of the officers were acquitted acquitted do you remember that despite the video evidence and a fourth case i mean

what an insult to the videotape. Yeah, right. Yeah. So riots erupted. 63 people died. I didn't remember that. Yeah, I know. Holy shit. It was bad. Thousands of injuries. So that was, they say, the first recording of police brutality against an unarmed black person, which kind of launched this whole citizen journalism thing uh he had death

threats following his uh having taped that what did he do wrong he he was he not supposed to they blamed him for the violence and rioting that followed the trial what yeah oh my god yes sorry sorry you know if i didn't videotape it, um, you know, it's still what happened, the beating, right? Like there's no, where's your focus on that? Right. Right. It's amazing how everything can have two sides to it. No, but there aren't. Uh, and then, you know, I blame the media a lot for airing. We, you and I are under the impression half the country is full blown fucking bonkers. And it's just not true.

There's a select few. Same with a select few congressmen who are total fucking assholes. But it's like some are just half assholes or half crazy. And the media focuses on like how many people could have possibly thought that? Yeah. They're just scared white people, I guess. Yeah. I mean, it's so nuts.

You weren't here, no, 91. We were both in New York still. Oh, no, I remember calling my sister and being like, run for the hills. Yeah. It was a bad year, man. They had that big earthquake in 94. The riots, there were mudslides.

It was a disaster. And they had that big earthquake in 94. The riots. There were mudslides. It was a disaster. And I think there was a housing crash as well. What was the bad year with the banks? Was it 88? No. No, but the earthquake really affected the L.A. real estate market, which is something I'm clinging to. All right, let's do some funnies to cheer up after that sad story.

too yeah all right let's do some funnies to cheer up after that sad story uh hagger you know hagger he uh i do he's a fun animated guy your kids read about every week that race uh so he's at uh the king's table there's been a banquet and uh the the's friend says, inviting Hagar to dinner was a kindly gesture, your grace. And the king says, I'm hoping it will deter him from robbing me. And then the friend says, he's carrying away the chef. So not only do they steal and rape women, he literally took a human being. Yeah. literally took a human being um yeah i'm just you know you could what i think this is saying which i think is nice is the chef is a woman yes you don't see it that's right it's kind of like that old joke about the doctor you obviously assume it's a man because you've made the assumption that it's a good doctor and here you figure it's

a chef which could be a woman or a man but it's a chef for a king so you know it's a good chef so you think man did i break this down right well it's the 11th century so i'm just thinking that women don't really do a lot of catering at that point you might be right so maybe he's raping a ball so look at us look at our blind spot hager might be raping a man i think hager wants to spread his wings a little bit you know it's the 11th century yeah men are very rapable let's i mean obviously uh let's do a little lockhorns leroy is looking at a hipster outfit in a clothing store. And it's a guy with like the short, tight pants, kind of boots, a neckerchief, some dark sunglasses and a skull cap. And Loretta says, forget it, Leroy.

You'd be better off trying to recapture your middle age. And then the next one, he gets her back uh they're sitting on the couch and he says to her i'll admit i wasn't paying attention if you'll admit you weren't saying anything worth listening to oh boy that one fucking landed like an overhead right now they're at the marriage count they they've left the marriage counselor's office and the marriage counselor says to his assistant they aren't a perfect match but they are evenly matched that's a good one this guy writes jokes man yeah unlike here's what here's when you kind of have to see. Loretta is winding up. She's got a tomato in her hand. Leroy's sitting at the table scowling and he goes, you call this tomato surprise? Where's the surprise? winding up all right have you seen the viral video of the kid that pegs his brother in the head with a ball no he's this little white kid without a shirt on and he he does this manic move and then he throws the ball as hard as he can it's it's like it's like this really jilted

pitchers wind up and he gives it everything he can and the little boy is just playing with cars in the foreground but what is crazy is a parent filmed that i think it's a parent filmed that but uh that's like her wind up you see how intense it is with the tomato yeah it's like the old louis tion where he turns his back entirely yeah look at that look at that reference. Go Sox. So, but look, oh dude, look up that video. It's all over TikTok or wherever. I got off TikTok 10 days ago. I deleted the app from my phone. All right.

Then in a very controlled way to go to YouTube, and I guess you could put in the search, kid throws ball at brother's head. It's so funny. All right. That brings us to an article that's never been accused article a comic strip that's never been accused of having jokes okay uh family circus here we go the dad's walking in the door and he has the three shitty kids uh in front of him and they all just burst in and the mom is there and the wife holding the infant

greeting him at the door and the father says great movie only four trips to the restrooms all right here's here's this one you know you have a problem when all your readers don't know if he's being sincere or sarcastic. Right. Like, what do you honestly, let's like, we're not even trying to make fun of it. What do you honestly think it is? I think it's just a description of a trip with no joke. I think he's being sincere.

Yeah. That obviously with these three shitty kids that it should have been way more than four trips. Yeah. All right. Now, if you want to make it funny, he's a great movie. Only four trips to the restrooms. Then you look closer and the two boys just have piss stains all over their pants. Now that's that deserves to be in the funny section. Yeah. Only four trips should have been six. Yeah, exactly. And maybe, and also maybe even a little like, uh, that, like, you know, that little cloud that animators put in indicating that there's a shit in the pants. Is that what they use? The animators? Yeah.

Well, you know, like, uh, what pig pan or whatever his name is. Remember that guy from uh i remember this won't translate at all but i remember uh uh he was a great kid he was a little bit of a hick in boarding school and uh he was from wakabuck new york in westchester anyway he emory emory katzenbach anyway emory was like he was really stoned once we were in boarding school and he's just like uh trying to remember i think it's pig pen right is that the character's name the peanuts and he's like what's that guy's name who smelled so badly and he had those like those like dirt clouds all around he's like what is it was it and then someone goes pig pen he's like no he's like dirt bag

it was dirt and he was fully legitimately convinced that the peanuts named the character dirt bag oh emery well the drummer for the dead was named pig pen remember i think it was fig pen no it was pig pen there was a fig pen did you know i think he was a bu with us fig pen no i think he was an athlete. I think he got kicked out, though. All right. What are we doing? I think he did have two drummers.

That was one of them. Anyway, let's round it out. Oh, Kurtz. Kurtz was the other one, I think his name is. Oh, yeah. Of course they had two drummers. Yeah. I think, no.

Thigpen was keyboards, dude, and he died. I think he was the drummer. All right. Can't wait for corrections next week I guess I'm writing one let's round it out with our little princess Blondie Dagwood's in bed wearing

fucking donut pajamas which apparently he has no other he wears the same goddamn she cycles through a different piece of negligee I've never seen her in any of the bedroom scenes which I save I've never seen her wearing the of negligee. I've never seen her in any of the bedroom scenes, which I save. I've never seen her wearing the same negligee twice.

This one is a little violet off the shoulder frilly piece with a little tie, a little bow tie on the front on the tits. And she's sitting up in bed and this fucking zero has on these pajamas. He goes, this is a silly disagreement, honey. Let's just kiss goodnight and get some sleep. He goes, this is a silly disagreement, honey. Let's just kiss goodnight and get some sleep. She says, I agree, dear.

And they do a little peck. It looks romantic, though. They have a little heart above it. A little heart pops up. And he goes, that sure didn't feel like a sincere goodnight kiss to me. She says, I disagree, dear. Now, first of all, let's go to the second frame again they're holding hands for the kiss they hold hands you're going for the kiss and then you go in and

you kiss the neck and then you put your hand on the shoulder and you slide down the negligee and then you fucking blast protein all over that silky tan belly of blondies what are you doing i thought you say and then you cover her mouth with the other hand and you pull down i mean how do you not make love to this woman at this moment you've just had a disagreement you've agreed to disagree it's called makeup sex asshole you you roll you turn your back to her and and you go to sleep after that what a waste this is a waste of ink this fucking asshole uh this is what i thought it was and i think this is actually pretty funny they kiss in that middle frame there's three frames total and it looks like a romantic kiss and now they're you know in their respective corners of the bed and he goes that

sure didn't feel like a sincere goodnight kiss to me. What he, and she goes, I disagree dear. Would have been funny if he goes, that felt like more than a goodnight kiss to me. Like he's turned on and she's like, I disagree dear.

Yeah. That could have been funny and made more sense. Why isn't this bozo turned on by that? Yeah, I know he should die. I want to get animated and go kill Dagwood. Wow, violence streak. I don't think you go to jail

if you're animated when you kill somebody. That's true. Although you'll be sued. You can be sued for anything. Let's face it. That's it. This has been the Sunday Papers

with Mike Gibbons and Greg Fitzsimmons. We're on the road a lot is what's happening, but I'm a little tired from Sacramento maybe. What are you, apologizing for the podcast? I don't know. I feel like I'm low energy,

but I can't wait to get to Glacier National Park and go hiking right now. Yeah, go hike. Go enjoy yourself. I'll see you back in L.A. next week. You got it. Thank you to the Midcoast Media people, Key and Chris and beth for doing a

fine job and you'll notice the new uh the new uh graphics that they're putting in this week you'll love them oh over promise and uh that's it go listen to uh wish you were here the album oh my god yeah it's dude just do yourself a favor and put it on i'm gonna do it right now i'm gonna i'm gonna listen to that album right i'm gonna go to the gym i'm gonna listen to it while i work out oh it's such a giant build that first song also it's incredible all right do it okay all right man oh and the podcast people said we forgot you know we screamed they reminded us we didn't say take it each at the end and we did but i guess we stopped recording already and i don't think i said read all about

it at the beginning i know we were thrown off our game because we were racing to the finish line of getting the audio right before we started and then uh yeah we were a little overwhelmed so what are we going to say now? Take it easy! Take it easy! One, two, three, four!