Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 83 10/3/21

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

Dog The Bounty Hunter is here to solve the Gabby Petito murder! Brady heads to New England to settle some business and there is a new device which detects if you’re high (use promo code Doug Benson). Also Brett Kavanaugh has Covid and a gay hairdresser has jumped ship.

Sunday papers in the morning Rarely factual, no, never boring Great diagnosis, talk of masturbation And kibbeys in a fucking closet snorting riddling Oh yeah, Sunday, Sunday papers in closet oh okay now check check check yeah i think that's good i think it's good Okay now. Check, check, check.

Yeah, I think that's good. I think it's good. And I don't hear Greg. X-Tree, X-Tree. Read all about it. Mike Gibbons back in Santa Monica. The Fitz Dog in Venice Beach bringing you the news. X-Tree, X-Tree. Hey, everybody.

It's so funny because I watched the, there's a great documentary on PBS about William Randolph Hearst. Holy shit. Oh, that bastard. But it shows the Newsies, the Newsboys, and how he tried to crush them. They were making five cents a day, and they wanted six cents. And they were homeless. I mean, the newsies were essentially homeless boys who would sell newspapers for five cents a day. They wanted six. That's a big, that's a 20 percent increase. I'm on her side. And they struck and he fucking crushed them.

How? struck and he fucking crushed them how um he got scabs he started i forget how he did it but uh in the end actually he lost in the end the news boys won so they got their six cents a day to stand on fucking can you imagine the exhaust coming out of the cars in the 1930s the fucking raw petrol that you were breathing all day. No, and the cities, arguably, I think were, I wonder if they were more polluted at one point than they are now. But yeah, I imagine it was really bad. You know, that reminds me, I was going to joke that, how did he crush them? He put up little like, you know, the newspaper boxes that you, you know, you put, you put a nickel

in and you get your newspaper. Yeah. And I saw something this week, which was, you know, some very liberal person. And it might've been, sadly, I went on Facebook, which I try not to do at all. And I saw it like, don't use the automatic checkouts in the grocery stores. Like Whole Foods is putting them in all their Whole Foods because that is putting people out of work. Obviously.

What technology do you think put more people out of work as a whole? Toll booths? The baskets at the toll booth? First of all, it's got to be tough to have a job. I think Mike Donovan used to do this joke. He's like, it's got to be tough to have a job i think mike dunovan used to do this joke he's like it's got to be tough to have a job where you get displaced by a basket it's a good good point uh yeah what do you think what do you think put more people i mean atm machines well i mean i guess it all falls under the computer.

Direct dial phones instead of having to go through an operator. Wow, you're going back away. Self-serve gas stations. Well, that, except New Jersey. For some reason, New Jersey has that law, right? And Oregon, yeah. What's up with that? Only their highly skilled technicians can handle that process.

Yeah. That's weird. I used to pump gas at a gas station in Yonkers, New York. Did you really? Yeah. I did it for like six months in the summer. I think that's worse than the breathing in. That's worse than the newsies.

Oh, yeah. I remember when we would pull up, the family car would pull up to gas stations. I would lower that window and just huff. I loved the smell. And you don't get it anymore because I guess maybe it's more sealed. I can't believe it would smell different. Yeah, they got that little condom on it now.

Yeah, it's called a seal. But I love the smell of gasoline and uh chris denman our our crack producer out of st louis i just put up that uh i used to do it on uh it was on the speed channel i used to host a game show do you remember this i hosted a game show called uh god i can't remember what it was called um but i used to it was it was produced by the same people that did cash cab and i used to pop up at gas pumps while people were pumping their gas oh pumped it was called pumped and i would ask them trivia questions while they pumped their gas and if they could answer them all before their tank was filled

then they won like seven dollars it was. It was not a big budget show. And we tried to do it in Staten Island. That was one of our stops. Try shooting hidden camera in Staten Island when people want to fight you the second you fuck with them in any way. And then when you tell them that you're filming it, half those people are in the witness protection program.

They fucking come at the camera. Delete that fucking shit right now. Delete that shit. That's the show. Are you kidding me? This should just be a show, Staten Island hidden camera. Yeah. I remember there was a guy who pulled up.

I was trying to ask him questions. He had a Trans Am. Remember the Iro guy who pulled up. I was trying to ask him questions. He had a Trans Am. Remember the Irox? Of course. So he pulls up. So often they would put a giant bird on the hood, like a drawing. Yeah. So he pulls up in one of those, and then he gets the squeegee for the windshield,

and he begins to give his car a car wash with the squeegee. The roof, the doors, the trunk. He's fucking squeegeeing the whole thing. I've been guilty of that, by the way. I've been guilty of using. I've been guilty of it. I take it out and I look around and make sure I don't think anyone's seeing me. And then I go to town on a big bird poop, like on the hood of the car.

Oh, yeah. Bird poop. I can see that. But he was doing every inch of his car. I like it. How is your mom? Mom's good. Thank you for asking.

So you were back in New York what days? I was there from Sunday through Friday of this week. And my mom, if people don't know, she had a pacemaker put in like six or seven months ago. They did it, and she did it in Florida. And me and my sister were begging her, do not, and I know your father had a heart, your dad got his heart surgery in Florida, right? No, no, New York, New York.

Yeah, we were like, do not get fucking heart surgery in Florida. So she does it, and they do it wrong. And they stick the wire. The pacemaker has a wire that goes into the tissue. They put it on the wrong valve of the heart. And this caused a lot of complications. And then she had a valve was leaking, and she needed a heart bypass because one of the arteries was clogged so they had to do the

full fucking crack crack the rib cage open it up go in and when they did it there was all these complications and then they and then they had to that's when they realized the pacemaker was wrong and then they redid it and and then that was the and then when they redid it they did that wrong so they had to two days later have to go back in and do it again. So, you know, and she's 79 years old. So this was a lot of trauma. She had two open hearts? The second one was not open heart, but it was through, you know, with a pacemaker,

they go through, like, below your collarbone, and they go through a fucking vein into your heart. I can't even imagine. It's crazy. Well, I'm glad, you know, I'm glad. We had a text, Jay, and I texted you about it, and I thought maybe I went a little too far. You know, it was nice. I said nice things.

You're kidding me, right? Huh? You're kidding me, right? Well, no, I go, I said nice things, and you're like, thanks, man. And we talked about how it's hard to see your parents vulnerable. And you had mentioned she lost a lot of weight. And you're like, you know, I just hope, you know, she comes back, you know, like, you know, to what? And I'm like, and the last text I wrote was she will get some pasta in that bitch.

And then no, you didn't even give me a ha ha. You didn't give me. And I'm like, oh, and the next day I'm like, oh, not even give me a ha ha. You didn't give me, and I'm like, ah. And the next day I'm like, ah, not even a exclamation point thing. Oh, the silence was deafening. Now, I think I've ruined a lot of friendships by just, I just peter out on text. I just don't reply.

I'm worse than you. I'm worse than you. No, no, no. And I knew it didn't offend you, but I'm glad to hear she's on the mend. And it is tough, man. Are you kidding? That's like, talk about invasive.

I told you my Uncle John, who was a character, when my dad was going in, my Uncle John tried to say something sensitive. He's like, I'm thinking of you, kid. Like, you know, good luck. He's like, you know, this is a biggie. He's like, you know, I think they still use that wheel that cranks open your rib cage and my dad's like will you shut the fuck up oh can i tell you the worst part i drove her and my sister lives about an hour from the city so i drove her i drove her in on tuesday to get a follow-up to the surgery and they had to

x-ray her chest to make sure there was no liquid in there and so i'm waiting outside the x-ray room and the nurse comes out and she goes okay you can go in now i open the door i walk in mom topless ah luckily not facing me but at three quarter three quarters of an angle where i saw a little side boob just enough to fucking i can't explain the emotional i don't know what happened it was a very weird feeling it's like the scene in the shining where you're hugging an old woman all of a sudden yeah right no oh my god thank god for many reasons well two especially that you didn't see it from the front because now there's a third reason yeah which is the scar. I asked to see the scar because she had a gown on and she pulled, she, you know, covered her breasts obviously and showed me the scar. It's horrific. It's just,

I mean, she's going to have that for the rest of her life. Yeah. Except it gets better. Like, you know, whatever. I had the hip surgery and scars are a lot better than they used to be. Yeah. And it'll, it'll, I mean, obviously it they used to be. Yeah. And it'll, I mean, obviously it's going to be there, but it'll heal. You saw it at its worst point. But anyway, shout out to Dr. Patel at Lenox Hill Hospital who did an amazing job. And he's really the best.

So thank you to him. Also, shout out to my son who today, ready for this, is 21 years old. Wow. Yep. No, I remember. I remember it was this date. Yeah, I think we talked about that because I remember that Radiohead album came out that day. Yeah.

He was born on a Tuesday. I know that also. By the way, I love having a kid that was born in 2000 because no matter how bad of a father I am, I'll always know his age. Whatever the year is, that's his age. That's a pretty easy one. Hey, I was cleaning up some stuff here in the place and I came across this and I did not put it in a frame. Found it in its frame. This is fun for listeners. And there it is. This is fun for listeners, but, and there it is. Whoa. This is a headshot of Greg Fitzsimmons that even says so. You signed it for me.

What did I write? You just signed it. You didn't even take the time or care to do anything else. And look at that head of hair on you. So maybe we put this on the website. Maybe I scan this and send it. But look at you, kid. Look at that.

This is the craziest part. Think how many times I've moved with this. That's ridiculous. From New York. I'm going to go through it. In a frame. In a frame. From New York to my sister's spare bedroom in Mar Vista, to a cabin in Laurel Canyon, to the house I bought in Laurel Canyon, to an apartment in Santa Monica, to a house, to an apartment while I renovated the house, back to the house, to Matt Molloy's, to Marina Del Rey, and now to here.

Wow. What is wrong with my life that this made the move every time? A framed picture of a 24-year-old Greg Fitzsimmons? 24-year-old. I'm guessing. I think it's because you want, the action of actually throwing it out would seem a little sacrilegious. Taking it out of the frame and throwing it out.

I can't imagine doing that. I know. Also, it got harder. I've got a picture of me, you, and Tom O'Neill with my old super on Mulberry Street. Remember Gina? No, I went over to your place for dinner, and it was out, and I thought you pulled the trick of, oh, Mike's coming over. Get out that photo. That photo has been on my desk from Mulberry Street to Chelsea to another place in Chelsea

to Santa Monica to Venice to another place in Venice to a place in Mar Vista to another place in Mar Vista back to my house in Venice. In a frame. Well, I also couldn't throw that out, especially after I easily tossed your book in the garbage. So that's probably part of it. Speaking of pictures, we put graphics on the website this past week. We have started the Christmas mug contest. It is now over. Thank you for your entries.

contest. It is now over. Thank you for your entries. We had hundreds and hundreds of people vote on which of the 10 graphics. And thank you, Mike, for literally not weighing in after me asking you three times on what the final 10 should be. I like to keep it fresh for the listeners. So catch me up on everything. Okay. So coming in at number one was what you're looking at over my shoulder, but actually the Sunday Papers logo, but actually the one, it's got Blondie in the frame as well. What? That came in at number one. I don't like that. Well, that's what it is.

So the one that came in at number one, you have labeled number two? Yes. Got it. It was the second pick. The next one was the one with us in suits. They was like suits made out of newspaper. I like that one. That one's very slick. We look good in that one. Yeah. Number three was that us on a tandem bicycle. It's kind of a black and white silhouette. No, it was a drawing. And you know what? That might be the best for a mug. Drawing. And you know what? That might be the best for a mug.

Could be. Yeah. But we got to go with the voters. No, I don't think so. Yeah. We also kind of like Arizona. I think we can change the number of votes to get the outcome we want. Right. Can you make a call to the attorney general of California? Oh, no. Is there going to be an audit of this mug sitch? I'll tell you, I think we should storm the... Let's go to Sacramento. We were already in Sacramento. We could have stormed the Capitol while we were there.

I know. We want to give a shout out. This is a note from Katie who said, huge fan of all your pods. Big thanks for keeping us laughing and entertained during the pandemic. Me, my twin sister. Why does that sound sexy when I hear that? Because you're depraved.

Yeah. And her fiance were quarantined together through the first crazy months of COVID. All right, now it did get sexy. We're going to be doing this together every week. This weekend, my twin and her fiance are finally getting married. Boo, not sexy. Oh, there goes that. Oh, no.

He's a wildland firefighter who's been crazy busy all summer fighting fires across the country while my sister's been putting the wedding together. Is he in a calendar of firefighters that I could see? Go ahead. Or Tom O'Neill could see. You know that I have a firehouse around the corner from where I live. Yes. And of course, Tom O'Neill lived next door to me. And he would sit on his porch every day at four o'clock because that's when the firefighters would all go running with their shirts off around the block. They'd go on a run. And they'd come back and Tom would be shirtless in

jean shorts with a hose washing the fire truck, just sudsing himself up. Village people playing. Anyway, I would love if you'd give them a shout out on papers and a good old Fitz Dog and Gibbons Irish blessing. Well,

we could if you listed your sister's fucking name. All right. Katie's sister and Katie's brother-in-law. God bless you. God bless you. Sounds like a good group. Marry a firefighter. They might not live long, but while they're alive, they're fucking men.

They're manly men. And they get like four or five days. Well, this guy doesn't. But eventually, when things are calm or a firefighter, you know, they go for 20, you know, 24-hour shifts or whatever, you know? And so it can be an okay life. God, I don't want to discredit. I'm trying to give shout-outs to firemen. I love firemen.

Love firemen. I'm trying to give shout outs to firemen. I love firemen, but their schedule can be kind of cool where, I mean, it's hot and cold, but you lose them for two solid days, but then you get a pun.

Was it a pun? It's hot and cold. Oh no, I don't think that way. That's why I don't watch sex in the city. Um, or, uh,

two broke girls. Remember that? Remember the fucking festival that show was god yeah our song this week we want to give a shout out john allen two weeks in a row gave us a song and he showed his breadth i emailed it to you mike did you get a chance i listened to it it's very moody i liked it it is moody last week was a rocking one this one was a moody one uh the logo that we use this week is actually one we've used before because what it's the winner of the contest it's the winner of the coffee contest oh and it's from gs artworks i think they're in germany are you serious yeah oh wow and i should put an asterisk on we're going to use that because I emailed him to see if we could use it, and he hasn't gotten back to me.

Oh, great. Well, I don't know if I want to use it. I don't even know which one we're talking about. The one behind you? Well, yeah, but it's got Blondie in it as well. Oh, all right. Well, okay. Well, now we're getting into copyright situations.

Yeah, now I'm checking the Google, uh, the email for the website and see if he got back to us. Meanwhile, correct. Want me to do a correction while you do that? Sure. See poison. That's the name.

I've never read corrections. I also love, I also, that's how it starts. Before you get a correction on the correction, it's see pulse and not poison. Oh, I think I just gave that. I think I just gave Paulson a cool nickname.

So anyway, I don't know how you edit these things, but the first line is, I also love... That's a great thing. Furthermore, I also love... Well, here's the thing, Mike, that you don't appreciate is that not only were you supposed to do all the stories this week and you did maybe two-

No, I did a lot. But also you get in there with also- I go into the emails and I edit them. I edit the emails. I don't, these are, people write fucking novels. I edit my stories, as you know, but I would have filled it, but all of a sudden you're filling it with garbage stories. So what could I do? You don't like my stories? as you know. But I would have filled it, but all of a sudden you're filling it with garbage stories. So what could I do?

You don't like my stories? Sometimes I don't. All right. I also love how when Mike says something wrong, you confidently say, yes, I think you're right. Then when you say something wrong, Mike doesn't correct you because he's not paying attention. But I corrected you last week. Did you put it in here? Yes, it is in there.

It's down a little bit further. You talking about Pigpen? Yes, exactly. I told you he wasn't the drummer. Hey now, what's up, Greg and Mike? Just wanted to chime in on the Pigpen debate. Ron Pigpen McKernan was one of the original founding members of the Grateful Dead, played the electric organ harmonica, and sang vocals. Ron Pigpen McKernan was one of the original founding members of the Grateful Dead,

played the electric organ harmonica, and sang vocals. Not the drums. Sorry, Greg, for the dead from 65 to 72. I believe he also came back. There were some shows in St. Louis. I was listening to the Dead Channel on SiriusXM yesterday, and there were some shows from St. Louis years later that Pigpen came back and played on. Oh, no.

No. Maybe. Obviously, that's not right. Came back from the dead? Pigpen died in 1973 from a gastrointestinal hemorrhage that was most likely caused by his alcoholism. This is where I should not be paying attention. Unlike other members of the dead, he didn't like psychedelic drugs and preferred whiskey over everything else. Wow. Yep. And look what it got him and the other guess the other tripping maniacs live for a much longer time

uh quinn kenning wants to correct us by saying most people mispronounce camaraderie you have said it twice in the last week on various podcasts you Do I say camaraderie that often? I didn't realize that. Yeah, I guess so. You need to say the starting part as comma. The reason you say it without the second letter A is because your ear has picked it with whatever. Camaraderie? Who says camaraderie? No, I know. It's one of those you don't want to say the right way, like bruschetta. Aluminium?

I don't know. Is that the thing? Advertisement? I love your podcast. Your style is honest and straightforward. I like the way you keep the conversation going. You prop up Mike G and Alison Rose. Oh, man, I got my better Wi-Fi going now. I don't know why my computer is that. I told you that I was doing a podcast with Kyle Kinane one time, and he said to me, you froze. And I was like, no, that's just me with my ADD staring off into space. He thought I froze. No, I think I remember. I think you made that the promo.

That was really funny. Yeah. So the other correction. I'm not going to say camaraderie. No, I'm not. It sounds like a Boy George song. I'm not going to say it that way. Cama, cama, cama, cama, cama, camaraderie.

Yeah. Sports correction. Camaraderie. This is from this year, Burner. Did you fucking guys forget the St. Louis Rams reached the Super Bowl twice before they moved? Easy. They won Super Bowl 34 and lost Super Bowl 36, both classics. They were the greatest show on turf, featuring Hall of Famers Kurt Warner, Marshall Falk, and Isaac Bruce.

I remember that Super Bowl, it was like the guy got to the one-inch line or whatever. It was crazy. It was like the last play of the game. It was nuts. I'm not remembering it exactly, obviously. But we weren't talking about that this here burner. We were talking about that they were not a good team when they moved

and then so quickly got in the Super Bowl. Right. We weren't talking about the history of the fucking St. Louis Rams because obviously Chris Denman is furiously tapping his keyboard right now because he lives in St. Louis. He said, you're leaving out Hall of Famer Orlando Pace. I vouch for you, too. You were talking about the last of their time here. Thank you. Thank you for vouching for us, Chris. You never know that we pay him. Yeah, the check will clear. There it is. Yeah, I remember Kurt Warner, of course, the quarterback who I think he played for a couple years in the NFL and then couldn't get a job and had kids.

And so he was bagging groceries at a fucking grocery store and then they brought him back onto the rams and the first year back he won the fucking super bowl with the rams this is where i don't fact check you live okay right he's he's fact checking me now went to the arena league oh we went to the arena league yeah got a tryout with the rams got a backup job starter got hurt he took over won the super bowl yeah yeah it was a sports sports sports sports all right how about here's another uh correction um david hughes said the dave's parody poster oh last week's poster the parody of dave, was done by me, David Hughes, but sent from my wife's email account. Hey, David, what are you, you afraid your wife's going to get, I bet you have separate accounts.

I bet you have separate checking accounts from your wife, Dave. I bet you have two iPhones, one for all the side pieces. Right. Did you have a separate account with your wife, Mike, when you were married? Oh, what, email? No, checking. Well, no, we had the one together, but I also had, you know, my company. What do you mean, your company?

No, like my S-Corp. You know, that's overstating it a little bit. No, it is a corporation, technically, legally. What's the name of your corporation? Huh? What's the name of your corporation? It was, this is sad, always. It was New Boots, which was a Clash lyric.

And I chose it to remind myself never to sell out. Well, mission unaccomplished. So did Ellen DeGeneres write the checks directly into New Boots? I got my New Boots account cash checks from the mind of Mencia. So that didn't go so hot. So my new one, my new corporation is Gibbons Brothers. And I love that because I don't have a brother, but I thought if ever, like, you know, I got notes. I'm like, yeah, let me discuss it with him. He's not, I don't think he's going to like that. But let's see.

So it's Gibbons Bros, like Warner Brothers. And then we got Obvious Irony wrote, guys, you read a story about two women putting caulk in another woman's ass. If one of you is not going to put in the effort to bring that joke home, we need to adjust the dosages. At least say caulk in the ass with a huge, horrible Boston accent. Obvious Irony, we dropped the ball. We missed some good low-hanging fruit, and we apologize.

I don't even remember that story. Yeah, remember there was a mother and a daughter who were doing ass implants on women using fucking household caulk? Oh, God, right, right, right, right, right. Putting fucking caulk in her ass. There it is. That's all he wanted. That's all he wanted.

I may be doing that joke and others when you come see me at the Oxnard Improv, October 15th and 16th. That's up in California. San Francisco Punchline, also in California, November 4th through the 6th. In heavy negotiations with Mike Gibbons right now about whether he'll come up. I can already tell you now that things are becoming more real, I will not be there because I will be freezing in Michigan at Parents Weekend in their stadium getting COVID.

Nice. Right. $106,000 or whatever that stadium holds. The big house. I threw up some dates for Boston and Portland coming up in December or January. Go to FitzDawg.com and get your tickets now. Hey, I would go to Portland because my niece is at Oregon now.

She's a freshman. Oh, there we go. All right. I would do that. I'd also ski. We could stay at the Shining Hotel on Mount Hood. I'll tell you what else we can do. We can go to the Heritage House.

I forget what it's called. It's called the Something House. It's an all-nude spa, and I went to it last time. Our friend told us about it, our friend Matt. And you go in, you get a massage, and then you go into the spa, and it has a steam room, hot tub, dry sauna, and everybody's completely nude. Huh. And it's co-ed?

It's co-ed. I don't know. It sounds uncomfortable. I thought it would be, but I had a blast. It was very freeing. Because, you know, like a lot of people, I don't feel great about my body. I felt because, you know, like a lot of people, I don't feel great about my body. You know, I'm like skinny and pasty white and I don't have a lot of hair.

And my dick is abnormally large, like it's not in proportion with the rest of my body. And but I decided to just go all in and I went naked and I walked around and I had a blast. Is it weird if I walk around with an erection and still telling everyone, no, no, I'm a grower? I told you. Just now just walk in with the erection to go. Where's the growers section? I told you once to see if my my therapist was paying attention. I thought a funny line to say would be, you know, I've never seen a flaccid penis. It made me laugh.

If I was a therapist, I'd be like, wait, wait, what? I think this is a breakthrough. I think we found some of the reasons you're like the way you are. Well, if I do go to that place, I'll tell you what I'm going to do is I'm going to do some serious grooming. And I'm going to do it with the help of... You ready for this? Can't wait.

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over the tip of my penis and it split the P and I pe peed all over the place. All right, a lot of questions. I don't know if in the middle of the ad is the time for this. That really contradicts your big hog story. Well, I was in a pool. I was in a cold pool, and it was shrunken down. Oh, you peed in the pool? No, there was a... Your pubes aren't really that long.

They're really long. They're really long. What are you doing? I got home on Friday, and I went to town because Manscaped sent me the 4.0 package, the fourth-generation package, and it's got this lawnmower 4.0 trimmer a weed whacker i did my ear and my nose hair and then it's got the crop preserver ball deodorant the crop reviver toner

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It then doesn't go on. Whatever it is, it's always flimsy. One of those is in there. And then nevermind there. It's like I should start cutting my hair on my head with the trimmer that they have in this thing. And again, I speak pretty candidly. You can tell when I'm telling the truth about one of our sponsors. This thing is really high quality and I love it. This thing is really high quality, and I love it. Well, listen, get 20% off plus free shipping with the code PAPERS at manscaped.com.

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simplysafe.com slash papers. Okay, this brings us to our new section, No Shit. Do we have a news? Ah, there we go. Well, we had a no shit section, I think, didn't we? It's our second week of doing it.

Ah, no shit. Smartphone sensor can detect if you're high on marijuana. Assistant Professor Sang-Won Bae, nice Italian gentleman, previously created machine learning technology that can detect if someone has been binge drinking. The new AI system detects marijuana intoxication by examining smartphone user behavior before and after using cannabis. So the study, the authors tracked smartphone motion sensors in the devices of volunteers who reported using cannabis. So, all right, they already reported they're using cannabis.

Anyway, they say they use cannabis at least twice a week. The team used over 100 features to track whether each participant was high. They included GPS, noise, light, and activity trackers. The team then looked at smartphone data, and they reported they were either high or sober. And the people at Carnegie Mellon and Rutgers discovered the sensor could spot behavioral differences that predicted marijuana intoxication

with up to 90% accuracy. Yeah, we detected that the phone was dropped in the toilet three times this week. I know. How smart is this exactly? It doesn't sound that smart. Yeah. I mean, I could design it. Just look at what they're downloading. If half-baked or up in smoke or high maintenance.

Yeah. They're high. He made three drafts of a text to his ex, and he's deleted all of them. He's listened to Fish for three hours. Postmates just delivered three pints of Ben & Jerry's peanut butter half-baked. And he just Googled, is this permanent? I think he's high. Yeah. He listened to Wish You Were Here nine times after listening to Sunday Papers.

She just Googled, she just YouTubed how to cut your own bangs, and then she called 911. Yeah. Maybe high. I mean, are you kidding me? A phone in two seconds can tell. My Apple TV can tell you if I'm high. Yeah. Oh, my God.

All right, let's do some front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right, front page. Here we go. No shit preceded front page. Look at us. All right. I got to find my document again. Where are we? Oh, yeah. Justice Brett Kavanaugh test positive for covid-19. I put that in there. I guess I was going to write more about it. That's all I put in there.

COVID-19. I put that in there. I guess I was going to write more about it. That's all I put in there. Well, I guess he can get treated for it unless he waits longer than six weeks. Then it's too late. One thing I do know, when he tested positive, I'm going to guess he cried like a bitch. And got angry and screamed about how he caught it. Right. Right. And then he took the hydrochloric oil, but he did it through a beer bong. I didn't know babies could get COVID-19. Is that is the CDC going to change everything now because this giant fucking baby just got COVID-19? Yeah.

He's going to call a moon dog and Z-Man and the ace to come over and help him get better. Have his bros come over and fucking lift some weights in the garage, maybe play golf. Yeah. What a dick. Anyway, yeah. Oh, yeah. What a dick. Um, anyway, yeah. Oh, Jesus. And by the way, his wife and kids all tested negative for it because they can't even be in the same room with the guy. No, it shows you how fucking little he spends time with his family.

And that's such an indicator of what a shitty dad you are. If your kids don't get your COVID, you're not coaching them in little league you're not reading books to them at bedtime you just stand around in that robe all day trying to take women's right to fucking abort babies away that's great that's not the way to win over people to your side don't freeze it that way uh but you know we've talked about this before. There was that funny statistic on married couples and how shocking the stat was on only one of them having it and not the other. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, well, do the study on people who are newly dating. 100% of the partners have it.

Right. Yeah. All right. So a gay hairdresser has agreed to a plea deal for participating in the Capitol insurrection on January 6th. He'll have a maximum sentence of six months in prison, even though he said on social media that his intent was to incite, quote, a revolution like in 1776. That would be hard to do. Is another country running our country? I guess to him they are. Yeah, it doesn't really stand up to the whole metaphor police, does it?

No. But gay hairdresser, wow, all right. I thought those guys wanted to party like it was 1999, not like it was 1776. Yeah. So he's a he's a hairdresser from New York who got some fame in 2018 for his hashtag walk away organization that encouraged groups that usually vote for Democrats like gays to walk away from the Democratic Party and vote for Republicans. Which Republicans fucking love it, when they can bring a gay guy over, or a black guy to their side, like it gives them a pass on their homophobia and their racism. It's like when American Idol got Steven Tyler to be a judge.

It was like, no, no, no. We're not just launching shit. Here's a guy from Aerosmith. Yeah. And then you go, mm, loving the elevator. This guy must have a tough day looking at all these Republicans with their just boring hair parted on the side. Yeah. Like, oh, God, this is driving me. Can I just, can I just, a little, a little gel, just something. Yeah. Like, Oh God, this is driving me. Can I just, can I just a little,

little gel, just something. That's why I hate like 1776. Cause back then they had the bouffant hairdos and the powdered wigs, the powdered wigs, the tight three quarter length pants, the frilly shirts. Yeah. That was a luck. Exactly. The Capri. Yeah yeah, the pants right under the knee with the big socks and the big buckles

on the shoes. And the men back then had beautifully defined calves because you really walked back in 1776. Right. Or you had a horse so you were wearing chaps.

Yeah, guys with chaps. All right, I think we can move on. Giant Powerball jackpot got even bigger Friday. Estimated payout $635 million. Still far less than the record $1.5 dollar prize about five years ago chance of winning is one in 292 million so you're saying i still have a chance there's been 39 drawings in a row without a grand prize winner if you uh take the cash option then out of of $635 million, you get $450 million. And then you pay taxes on that, so you'll probably walk away with about $250, $275.

The odds of lightning, getting hit by lightning, are better than winning this. So you wonder, why do we stay indoors during lightning storms but not buy lotto tickets? You know, lightning, I think, is way higher stat than that. I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. The chances of getting hit by lightning. First of all, if I won the lottery,

I don't think I would go redeem the ticket during a lightning storm because clearly you're beating the odds you're on a roll don't book a flight right away just sit back a little yeah do not fuck a haitian guy up the ass okay all right uh speaking of good health i have been trying so hard to cut down lately like in the morning i get up i want to eat a breakfast that's healthy i'm trying to cut down on carbs sugar all that crap and i realize like there's nothing that i can eat anymore huh record scratch how about this how about some magic spoon cereal zero grams of sugar 13 to 14 grams of protein and only four net grams of carbs in each serving that's 140 calories a serving keto friendly gluten-free grain-free soy-free low carb they got a variety pack four flavors it's great yeah cocoa fun fruity frosted and peanut

butter yeah the peanut butter was the one my favorite but that's another way my phone can tell if i'm high when i reorder magic spoon oh yeah exactly because i'll eat that at night i mean it's back to by the way remember in college and when you were a kid like i'm sorry cereal at night was killer. Oh, yeah. I'm back to that. Like, I'll binge something, and if it's this healthy, it's better than, like, throwing a ton of butter in popcorn kernels for my binging.

I'll do this. Magic spoon. It brings back some childhood shit. Like, when it's late at night and you want some comfort food and you get out some of that cocoa. It tastes like, I don't know if it's supposed to list what cereals it tastes like, but I think you know which one I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Cocoa.

Yeah. Right. Also, I'm sure Magic Spoon wouldn't want me to say this, but it's a compliment. I also put it in ice cream. Hey, now. Oh, yeah. As a topping to ice cream. It's incredible.

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Don't be kind of stupid. Go for it. This is the Nextdoor app section that Mike started a few weeks ago? No, no, no. That was local news. Oh, we did no shit up top. Well, I don't know. Local news isn't always great.

Especially if you don't do it. I would say that. I'm supposed to find gems on the next door up? It's when you don't put anything in there. I feel like that holds this section back the most. All right, there's a lot of coyotes in the area. Have you been seeing those stories? No. So I would put your little dog Brulee out more.

Just leave him out at night just for like five minutes. Apparently that's all it takes. You said her. That's the thing about when you own a Lhasa Apso. And my daughter named him Lhasa. He's a Lhasa Apso, but we fucking hate him. And JoJo renamed him Lhasa Asshole last night. That's good.

But the name is also Brulee. You just said her. And when you have a Lhasa Asshole, everybody just, it's a female dog, no matter what gender it is. Yeah. Well, the name didn't help also. Have you seen a coyote in Los Angeles?

Oh, no, of course. Yeah, I've seen coyotes, but I haven't seen them like on the streets because we live in a very basic, very intense urban area. But they are down here because there are fires, first of all,

but a lot of their natural environment has, you know, obviously been built on. And so they're having a hard time. But, you know, they're on the golf course. I've seen them on the golf course.

I've never seen them in the city, though. Yeah. But they're around, they're on the golf course. I've seen them on the golf course. I've never seen them in the city though. Yeah. But they're around. Yeah, because the golf course is right by my old neighborhood. It's not far from here. But, yeah. All right. We're doing entertainment? Let's do some entertainment. Speaking of wild animals, Shakira, she is a wild animal.

Shakira says she was attacked by two wild boars while in Barcelona, Spain. The singer took to Instagram to explain the harrowing tale to her followers, saying the boars attacked her and stole her bag while she was in a park with her son. In 2016, police in Spain received 1,187 calls about hogs attacking dogs, running into cars, and holding up traffic. And the problem made headlines in 2013. It's like they're coyotes. Yeah, or like the little gypsy kids, those little animals. They made headlines in 2013 when a police officer attempted to shoot a wild boar but missed and accidentally hit his partner.

Oops. Excuse me. The number of boars has exploded across Europe, not just in Spain, with more than 10 million across the continent. Not only can they be aggressive, but they can carry disease, and they can survive in almost any environment, including cities where they can feed off garbage.

Dude, if I was in Barcelona and I saw a wild boar coming down an alley, I would lose my shit. That would be a high Instagram alert. Selfie time. How do you, but like, how do they not exterminate them? How easy is it to just walk around with a gun and shoot fucking boars? Where are they going to hide? Well, tell the guy who shot his partner it's pretty hard yeah yeah right i know i don't know why also are they delicious i would think i had boar ribs

a week and a half ago no you didn't. to get to this location. And they were deer hunters. And I asked them a bunch of questions and boy, I felt like they were men and I was less than because they had caught a deer. When do you not feel like that? That's true. And they had to go back up to get the hindquarters of the deer. So I asked, I overheard that. I asked, what's that all about? And they're like, it's too heavy to bring down the whole deer. So they bury. Well, they'll either hang it from a tree. But since they didn't see a lot of bear scat, they buried it. And so they're going back up to get the hindquarters of the venison.

Damn. Yeah. I should say deer. I guess it's not venison yet. Chris Denman just wrote some notes, and then he deleted them, about how they're as quick as deer, the boar, but very nasty. He knows about this because of his survivalist groups. He's ready.

When it happens and those people start taking over, he's got all kinds of fucking survival techniques. Well, he also has his wild bear headdress that he'll put on. Right. While he cloaks himself in the American flag, or the Texas flag maybe at this point. So also in entertainment this week. Poor Shakira.

I saw, oh, Love on the Spectrum is back. My favorite series of last year. Oh, don't take ownership. I found it and it's amazing. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to like it. Not really. Not after I rave about it.

And they have my favorite guy back on it. Someone wrote in to tell us. No, Michael. Oh, Michael. Right, right. If you missed the show, it's on Netflix. Is it. John? Someone wrote in to tell us. No, Michael. Oh, Michael. Right, right. If you missed the show, it's on Netflix. Is it out already?

I think it is. Although I'm starting to, yes, I've already watched two episodes and I'm pacing myself. It's one of those shows where I'm like, I don't want to watch all of it at once because it'll be gone.

And the guy, you know who's really winning me over now is the guy who loves dinosaurs. Oh my, it just makes me want to be a better person this show. Yep. Well, you can work with the best buddies. I'll put you in touch with Mark Wiley.

We'll do it. Don't you have your bike event upstate a little bit? The Getty. We do it at the Getty. San Simeon. Yeah. Sometimes we'll just go bowling. We'll take some buddies bowling. If you want to do that with Simeon. Yeah. We also, but sometimes we'll just go bowling. We'll take some buddies bowling.

If you want to do that with us one week. Nah. Nah. I saw the Many Saints of Newark last night. Did you go to a theater? No, because you guys all pussed out. I put out, here's the thing about living in LA. It's really expensive.

The show business is fucking dying out. And what am I doing here? Why am I here? Oh, because I have all these friends that I can hang out with. So then I'll put out a text like, hey, who wants to go see the Many Saints of Newark

on our text chain that has fucking 20 people on it? I get one reply from you saying, wow. And then like somebody says it sucks. And then that's it. It's over. And I'm at home with my fucking wife watching it on the couch. Why am I living here?

Well, basically, you said, hey, does anyone want to go to a universally panned movie? Yeah. Still, it's Sopranos. How was it? Well panned. Well done, critics. Oh. Although Joey Diaz, fantastic.

Very funny. He's got a good juicy role in it. Are you serious? Joey Diaz is in this thing? Who, by the way, don't tell David Chase that he's Cuban, but close enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's great in it. He made me laugh.

He had some funny lines. Leslie Odom Jr. is fucking great. But you know what? It's like, am I supposed to still be enamored with Italians? Right. Do I have to find them charming that they smoke a cigarette like this and they talk about gabagool? I don't care.

I don't find you interesting. I find you racist. I find these types of Italians that are set in the 60s and 70s, they're just, the actors are playing an Italian. They're not playing a human being like the guy who played um dickie moldisanti he did it in such a cliched way it just felt like you know the real

sopranos they were so specific and they were so layered and deep and i felt like this was like the female characters were all like the nagging wife the hot gumon hey let's go out with our gumons tonight guys yeah so i don't know i felt like uh i i'm not gonna go the critics all talked about how great uh what's his name son is because they have to was he good gand Gandolfini's son? No! He wasn't good. Yeah, I know. I'm going to get shit for not saying

that, but he wasn't good. He's a weird looking kid. Sounds like I have to see it now. I want to see this. It is the overly romanticizing the Italian-American. Yeah, I'm done with them. So what it is is this old world, almost like The over, like overly romanticizing the Italian American. Yeah, I'm down with them. You know, it's like they got that old.

So what it is, is this old world, almost like dignity, this old world, there's a gentleness even to their, to their violent ways and criminal ways, uh, meets shitty, uh, like American city poor. And it's like this hybrid where it's like they have their fucking gold. Like, it's like, they're trying to be dignified in a very undignified setting. Does that make sense? Like with the pinky gold pinky rings and the jewelry and the fucking, the way they pronounce stuff, they try to put a little flare on their shitty slang. Uh, yeah. Like they sit at the dinner table and they got on a guinea tea wife beater shirt, but they're eating a really good piece of...

Whoa, whoa, Greg. Trigger warning. Oh, hey. Oh, and literally, he's talking to Tony Soprano as a child, and the kid says something, and he goes, Oh!

And it was so out of place. It used to work on The Sopranosos it did not work in the movie when he said it yeah yeah yeah but also does it show him as sensitive yes it does oh it does yes I think that's good that's not my criticism it didn't show him as tough it didn't show him as a potential leader there was no there was nothing powerful about the character he was playing he didn't show him as a potential leader. There was no there was nothing powerful about the character he was playing. He didn't have someone that did his dad die. No, not in the movie. Like sometimes I love those stories of the, you know, the reluctant hero, the guy who's for like the Matrix, like the guy who's forced because of circumstances to step up

when it's not his nature also in the godfather with michael yeah okay i started watching i don't like superhero movies first of all i guess this one in theaters is supposed to be pretty entertaining venom maybe or something but uh there's one on hulu from fx fx is killing it man and it's called why the last man have you heard of this no so this is why i liked it i watched the pilot and a little bit of episode two it's not like i mean because to me all the marvel movies are like here's another 15 minute fight sequence where they're just flexing the technology, the CGI of this fight, which we already know the ending. And it's just like a million opportunities to go take a piss during these movies. So this one is in, I guess it's the origin story, but there's no... Origin of who?

So it happens pretty soon. So this isn't a spoiler and it's in the title. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, everything with a Y chromosome dies. And not slowly like AIDS or COVID. It's like within seconds. Like you're a man. You have a Y chromosome, you're the president of the United States. All of a sudden you start coughing, you cough up blood, your face distorts like crazy, like you've been poisoned. And now you're dead on the ground with blood all around you. All the male rats, all the male dogs, anything with a Y chromosome dies. So the funny thing is-

Sounds like a metaphor for what's happening on college campuses these days. Anyway, go on. So all of a sudden, they're not shy, I'm surprised, but everything breaks down because men run so many things. So they're like, all of a sudden, they go through the, this is very early in the first episode, they go through the succession of leaders, like president, vice president, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, oh my God.

Okay. It's you. And it's a woman. And all of a sudden, like, well, here's the report. Every major city is about to lose the electricity and water and all like, like everything is, everything falls apart because men run all this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And all of a sudden cars start crashing into each other

because only women are driving. That's all. Yeah, everything gets talked to death. There are no doers. No, no, no. But anyway, one dude, for no reason, survives. Gay.

You can still have the Y chromosome. Yeah. There were other people when people started dropping. I guess I'm giving the pilot away, but I think you know this going in. But there were some. I was like, well, why is that guy still alive? But I think they're trans. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know the answer. Interesting. Yeah, but it is called Why the Chromosome and then The Last Man. So that's the title. Damn, I would invest heavily in the vibrator industry if that happened. Well, yeah. Also, so let's say there's one more.

All right, so let's say the reverse happened right and there was one woman left i mean wouldn't she be locked up for breeding yes so won't they try to do the same to this dude i mean it sounds like uh all of a sudden he's like he's like a 50s like attack of the amazon women fantasy movies you know with this one guy on the island with all the Amazon women. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, his dance card is going to be full. He's a breeder.

All right. Everyone's talking about Squid Game. I haven't seen it yet. Have you sampled it? No. Should we watch it for next week? Yeah, let's watch Squid Game for next week. All right. That's everybody's Game for next week. All right.

That's everybody's assignment for Sunday papers on October 10th. We are going to review Squid Game. I don't know if it's good. I know something that's not good. What? I sampled last night. I could only get through like eight minutes. Jon Stewart's new show.

Oh, no shit. What's the format? Now I've never been the, I should contextualize this. I've never been his hugest fan. The daily show was amazing. Don't get me wrong, but I don't know. There were some things like with this, you know, and I knew his standup and he is the nicest guy. He was so nice to me. I was in the same MTV building and I had met a tell through you. A tell was his head writer. So when a tell and I would run into each other in the lobbies or the cafeteria, we'd always talk and John was there.

And then John was always recognized me from that. Like, so then when I worked at HBO, I went down to Miami. That's where he did his last hour for HBO. And he's like, Hey, and like, you know, came over, chatted me like nicest guy. I don't know. I want you to watch it and see what you think. Well, here's the thing is I really thought The Daily Show was I mean, it was seminal. It was a it was a new type of entertainment on television. Nobody had ever done the news in a satiric, funny way. I mean, Kilbourne did a different show than Jon Stewart did. Hold on, hold on. I mean, there was not

necessarily news on HBO, but I will say, this is one of the times where I'm not spacing out and I'm correcting you. Britain had shows like this. Okay. Are we in Britain? No, I'm saying there wasn't groundbreaking television in that they had satirical news programs. I guess when I say satirical- And don't forget, of course, SNL Weekend Update, which also was very derivative of shows that existed like that. All right, go ahead. Okay.

Fair enough. But I guess he brought a tone to it that I found to be much more dressed down, that was much more, maybe actually less satirical. I agree with you. Maybe what Kilbourne did was more satirical, and what Weekend Update was more satirical, and what Jon Stewart did was much more of an op-ed piece. And he and the show continued to transform into something that was truly in his voice. Well, yeah, what Kilbourne did. Also, Kilbourne was not interested in news, but Kilbourne and the writers and I don't blame them, but I think they picked lower hanging fruit. In other words, they would do goofy stories

where Jon Stewart, you always knew it was going to be the top political story that week, whether it was funny or not. And they make it funny. And it was really informative. It was true. I have to admit it. It's where I got my news for a decade. I watched that show every fucking night. And then towards the end, I felt like it got very sanctimonious. I felt like it got very pedantic and preachy and too many long pauses, too much mugging. I didn't enjoy it by the end. Too much yelling also. And I think what happened was. I think you got too many Emmys. That's the problem. Well, I think also Colbert was such a character following him and was doing so well. And that was

a little amped up and had more energy. I just noticed Jon Stewart was yelling a lot more towards the end of The Daily Show. But he's great, and this show was very disappointing. Yeah, I love Jon Stewart. So that's... What's the format exactly? So he talks to you super low energy at the top. There's obviously...

It's a first episode. Is there an audience? Yes. And then does very much a John Oliver. Like the problem also is we all have John Oliver in the brain because the idea of this show is John Stewart takes deep dives on these issues. And his first issue, which is very close to his heart, is about the veterans. That might have been the problem because heart, is about the veterans.

That might have been the problem because I don't care about veterans. So maybe that was my disconnect. No, no. So this is how it's different than John Oliver. It's John Oliver up top, but then he has a panel, which is more like he brings in the sort of Bill Maher part of it. more like, you know, he brings in the sort of Bill Maher part of it. Anyway, watch it. See what you think. You know, listen, I will watch again because it's hard to judge a show on its first, you know, very few shows have found their voice in the first show. And but yeah, it was interesting. So, all right.

Worse, a worse piece of shit. Wow. We're being very negative in our entertainment section today. Did you finish Nine Perfect Strangers? Finish it? I couldn't find the remote fast enough. It was the biggest piece of shit ending ever. Ending?

How did you get that far? What do you mean you couldn't find your remote? Well, what do you mean? I thought- To turn it off. I fucking hated it. Oh, I didn't listen. I cut you off.

Gotcha. It was, it was like candy, so I kept watching it. Oh my God, what a piece of garbage. Yeah, I just felt like Nicole Kidman's accent was just from some,

it was such a weird fucking bad choice that I felt like was inorganic and she never lived with comfortably and i felt like all the characters were what's his name was uh uh um pat what patrick the guy from boardwalk empire i don't know who whatever the guy with the accent yeah yeah i don't know him but i recognized him, yeah. Anyway, I thought it was one of these things where you got actors were not being directed well. Oh, look at you. Yeah, I mean, I was going to tolerate her accent and all that because it's like the writer's room can't control that.

Like, you know, maybe this is a well-written thing or whatever. What's-her-name's a good dramatic actress though. Oh, yeah. She's great. Mike and Molly. What's-her-name? God, I'm so bad with names. There's really something wrong with me. Melissa McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy there.

Thank you, Chris. All I needed was the Emmy. Got me there. What do we got? Oh, Chappelle. Chappelle's thing drops this week. But we had some confusion we talked about at the top of the show before we recorded. There's a documentary, I believe, and a special. So I think I have that right. But that's coming out this week. So I'm psyched to see that. OK, we'll talk about that next week. We got a message about last week. to see that. Okay, we'll talk about that next week. We got a message about last week. Wendy Benson said, I listened to the papers this week. I do every week and followed Mike's instructions

to listen to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. And Shine On You, Crazy Diamond was therapy for me. My childhood best friend lost her battle with addiction last night and uh the lyrics helped me cry out like i needed to especially the beginning remember when you were young you shone you shone like the sun shine on you crazy diamond now there's a look in your eyes like black holes in the sky shine on you crazy diamond it was so on point last week she posted a selfie and a statement about only being able to shine on when you learn to love yourself now her two daughters have no mother damn oh well wendy wendy that was a what an ending wow sorry wendy wait then she thanked us for being a bright spot in her earbuds yep and she loves child to show the podcast too all right oh well wendy sorry about your loss i'm glad you did listen to it did you

listen to dude it wasn't just because i was high that had a lot to do with it trust me it enhances the experience but i've gone down a pink floyd it's listen to dark side of the moon but don't listen to time except the beginning of time is amazing with the drums yeah and um and money and it is it is such it's like an experimental incredible album and then i've been going getting into animals i never in my i i used to know all this stuff but i'm revisiting it like as a teenager it would be like in the dark room headphones on just disappearing into animals and into Dark Side of the Moon. So I didn't realize animals was after Wish You Were Here and Dark Side of the Moon. No, that's not true.

It is. No. I had totally, yeah, like you, I had totally put animals before those two. I'm checking that right now because I don't think that's possible. Yeah, it is. But boy, just like do that this week. If anyone else,

I mean with the backup singers, the jazzy take, like it's really incredible. So in like, you know, brain damage, by the way, listen to brain damage on dark side of the moon.

It's really very much. They stole a chapter out of Tommy by the way, listen to Brain Damage on Dark Side of the Moon. It's really very much they stole a chapter out of Tommy by The Who. And all that you touch and all that you see. It's that big. It's almost like hear me, feel me, see me. Right. Animals. Oh, yeah.

Animals came out after Wish You Were Here and Dark Side of the Moon. Damn. Metal, 71. Obscured by Cloud, 72. Dark Side of the Moon, 73. Wish You Were Here and Dark Side of the Moon. Damn. Metal, 71. Obscured by Cloud, 72. Dark Side of the Moon, 73. Wish You Were Here, 75. Animal, 77. The Wall, 79.

But what people don't understand is these guys were putting out music. Their first album was in 67. Such experimental stuff. Yeah. And I know this is the art of the obvious. It really is. I knew more about Pink Floyd when I was 17 than I do even as I'm sitting here now. Way more.

Yeah. And but just to revisit it. Where did we get all our information? Now you can Google shit and find out so much information. Back then, I knew more about music, but I read Rolling Stone magazine every week and I read the liner notes on my albums because albums, if kids don't know, came with usually like information about who produced it, what the label was and listed the lyrics. But I don't know where I got all the trivia from that I had in my head about music. No, I think it was a lot of reading and then you'd pick up a book and read. Also, this is what I'm not seeing today. And I'm generalizing, of course, I'm not seeing people interested in how their

music heroes got that way. That's all like, in other words, Led Zeppelin got me to all the blues guys, you know, and, you know, going way back or, you know, whatever, whatever, you know, whatever music you got into, you were like, who, who was this guy's hero? And you would then go down even before, you know, the internet, you would go down this wormhole of learning the influences and everything like Pink Floyd is named after like the two blues guys, you know? And like, so I knew that without the internet and you would just, you know, you would just try to find out as much as you could. I'm kind of not seeing that now. I also wonder, are these artists is like, you know, someone worth their salt like whatever latinists are now that my kids listen to whatever are they talking about uh aretha franklin are they talking about

their influences like well that's what's kind of cool about uh lady gaga you know working with tony bennett and a lot of these older musicians and she seems to immerse herself in it I think a lot of the um a lot of the duet albums that have come out over the last couple decades have been kind of cool because it's been uh having the these big artists go back to their to their inspirations and actually give those some of these guys like a final boost in their careers as they get older but you know Neil Diamond had a comeback comeback because of you know nods from younger artists but you just see how music works that way you know it's like even if it's megan the trainer whoever it is you're like oh you love even if it's as recent as beyonce it's like but so you

took that part and this is how you made it your own. You know what I mean? Like anyway. So this was interesting. Then this guy, Chris wrote in, love the Fitz dog. Tell Mike to watch the making of Wish You Were Here. If he hasn't seen it, Sid Barrett came in Abbey Road during the making of Wish You Were Here. And a very heavy guy came in with a shaved head.

Oh, I think he wrote this wrong. So while they were making it in Abbey Road, my understanding is a guy with a shaved head and no eyebrows and very heavy came in with a shaved head. Oh, I think he wrote this wrong. So while they were making it in Abbey Road, my understanding is a guy with a shaved head and no eyebrows and very heavy came in. David Gilmour cried and said to Roger Waters, do you know who that is? And he said, it's Sid. So Sid was a founding member of Pink Floyd who was mentally ill and had to leave the band. And that Shine On Your Crazy Diamond was written about him. Oh, okay. And that's a big chapter in Pink Floyd. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. Let's do some Florida, man. Let's do it. Go for it. This really should be the lead story duane chapman better known by the name of his tv show dog the bounty hunter visited oh my god the florida family home of brian laundry he's our florida he's our florida man this week laundry is a person of interest in his girlfriend person of interest is a nice way of describing somebody who you know murdered somebody. We're kind of interested.

Gabby Petito, she died. I don't know if you guys heard, but a white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes died. So drop everything. The reality TV personality pulled up to the North Port home of Christopher and Robert Laundrie around 430, knocked on the door. No one answered. When asked why he was there, I assume by a reporter, Chapman told a News Nation reporter, come on, you know, and implored the public to share tips by calling 833-TELL-DOG.

I thought that was your number. Police are searching for Brian Laundrie, who was last seen by his family September 14th. Her remains were found in Grand Teton National Park. Beautiful place to be murdered. Now I see why you kept insisting you were in Montana last week when I kept saying that you were in Wyoming. I was not. I was not digging a shallow grave. That was a new that's a new phrase I came across.

They talked about like when they found her or whatever. And it was fresh dirt. Yeah. Fresh dirt is a very interesting phrase. Yeah. That could be a good band name also fresh dirt or a good book fresh dirt like if you're gonna if you're gonna write about your family or something like that yeah that's a good one yeah yeah that's good boy this story man it has got fucking legs i think it's about to end now the the dog, the bounty hunters on this, on this scene, it's just a matter of time.

Yeah. I, uh, yeah. All right. So this is why I didn't have a lot of stories this week. I took a deep dive on dog, the bounty hunter.

This dude is, you know, I never paid attention to him, but by the way, you said laundry's the Florida man. How Florida is dog dog the bounty hunter even if he's not from there like when he drove over the border or landed in the airport florida must have been like oh our son is home just look at him yeah look at this guy he's like he's a

poster child for florida do you know he's only five seven no. Wow. Do you know he went to jail for murder? No. Yes, he did. He went to jail for murder for not that long because he was in the getaway car on a pot deal that went bad. And his buddy, my understanding is killed the guy and shot him. But this is the part I want to talk about those that I didn't realize. And it's awesome. In early October, Chapman gained negative public attention after a private phone conversation between him and his son, his son's Tucker. It was leaked to the media. The conversation was about the relationship his son was having with a black woman. During the recording, Chapman, this is hysterical. Chapman can be heard saying, I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore, or whatever. It's not because

she's black. It's because we use the word N. So I'm just going to abbreviate N. Every time I say N, trust me, it's the full word. It's not because she's black. It's because we use the word N sometimes here. I'm not going to take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking N heard us say N and turned us in to the Inquirer magazine. Our career is over. I'm not taking that chance at all. Never in life. Never, never. If Lissa, which is the dog's daughter, was dating a N, we would all say, fuck you. And you know that. If Lissa brought a black guy home, yada da, it's not that they're

black. It's none of that. It's that we use the word. And we don't mean you fucking scum. And without a soul, we don't mean that shit, but America would think we mean that. And we're not taking a chance on losing everything we got over a racial slur because our son goes out with a girl like that. I can't do that, Tucker. You can't expect Gary, Bonnie and Cicely, all of them young kids, because I'm in love for seven months. Fuck that. So I'll help you get another job. But you cannot work here unless you break up with her and she's out of your life.

I can't handle that shit. I can't get him in the parking lot trying to record us. I got that girl saying she's got a recorder. Once the tape is made public, A&E, blah, blah, blah. Wait, was this released on an audio? Was there audio available of him saying this? Ready? Once the tape

was made public, A&E announced it was suspending production of chapman's tv series pending an investigation on october 31st 2007 chapman issued a public apology but on november 7th november 2nd to a and he announced it was nonetheless removing the show from their schedule for the foreseeable future now in 2008 they brought the show back, but he did a giant mea culpa. He made no excuses, I guess. And he owned it and then got active in trying to help, you know, right. All his wrongs. Damn. But I have never heard that. That's his reason. Like we're not. Not that we're going to stop saying the word. Because we don't mean it that way. You already don't mean it that way according to him.

But we're not going to stop saying it. And we're going to be misunderstood. We wear cheap wraparound sunglasses and mullets and we drive pickup trucks and all those things that you would never associate with racists. Tucker, it's part of our brand. You're not going to have us change our brand because you fall in love with a girl you've known seven months.

And what about my after dinner limericks? How am I going to, I don't know what else to rhyme things with besides the N word. It's insanity. It's pure insanity. Wow. That's amazing. I love it. Let's do some international.

We sure can. All right. Museum wants take the money and run artists to pay back $84,000 for blank canvases. The Kunsthund Museum of Art in Alborg, Denmark. I've been there. Alborg. Wow. Paid artist Johns Honning $84,000 in advance to recreate two older sculptures.

Instead, he kept the money without labor and called it conceptual art. Honning, a 56-year-old living in Copenhagen, tabbed his art as take the money and run and simply two blank whiteboard frames without anything on them, which it reminded me of I was working in chicago one time and there's there was two two clubs in chicago dove davidoff i don't know if you know him yeah comedian he was at the other club so i called him up and i said uh i said you want to go to the art institute it's my favorite museum in the country so we met at the art institute and we

got to the wing that has the modern stuff, like the postmodern abstract stuff. And we walk in and there's a velvet rope in a square around a blank canvas on the ground. And he got so fucking angry at the entire wing. He couldn't believe these artists were getting millions of dollars for like the number nine painted in red on a tile. And so, so he went, he went inside the velvet rope and he started walking around on the art and

the guard came running over and screaming and he was screaming back at them. He's like, this is shit. This is a lie. This is, are you afraid I'll touch it and maybe spill something on it and make it art? Yeah, exactly. You should encourage people to bring coffee into this room. Right. That's art. I'm an artist also.

But this brings up like if you haven't seen it, everybody should watch Banksy. I think it's like takes over New York or Banksy in New York. And it was that month where every day he'd post like kind of a clue and a picture of a piece of art that he essentially dropped somewhere in New York city in one of the five boroughs. And sometimes it was a little mural on a wall and it caused chaos. And then, but what he's doing is it really then questioned. And of course he had the famous one where a guy set up a stand in like, you know, that little flea market thing off of Columbus circle. And they were, you know, the little stands and you could buy coffee mugs or whatever there. And it was real Banksy's. Did you ever see

that? No. Oh, and a woman came up and They were really cheap, none of them selling, and they were Banksy's. And a woman came up and paid, and I forget how much they were. Let's say they were $40 each. And she's like, oh, you know, I need this for my kid's room. And another guy bought one. I think he just bought them because the colors or sizes matched what he needed. But they immediately went from $40 like to, you know,

like 700,000. Yeah. Yeah. Once they learned it was a Banksy or whatever, but he was obviously a commentary on, you know, the arbitrary nature and valuation of art. Well,

these, I'm wondering if these are already worth more than 84,000, because now they're notorious. Of course. You know, my next door neighbor, Danny, he's Banksy's representative for the West Coast. Yeah. And so he has... You told me that, yeah.

I go in his house, he's got Banksy's all over his walls. He's got fucking... I shouldn't... I know. What are you doing? I shouldn't say this in public, right? Well, I don't know. Does he have simple safe security on his house?

Simply safe. Sorry. You should get that. In Canada, a man who has for months rallied, railed against Canadian vaccine and mask mandates, gave out his phone number during a protest last week, repeating the digits into a microphone while telling a crowd he has nothing to hide. Chris Sacchiocchia, who goes by the name Chris Sky, told the crowd objecting to vaccine mandates on in Toronto on Saturday that unlike politicians, quote, I'm not afraid of anybody. on Saturday that, unlike politicians, quote, I'm not afraid of anybody.

So he said people can contact him who actually want to help the country. Two days and literally thousands of phone calls later, Soccaccio took to Twitter to tell people to stop ringing his cell. I gave my number out in Toronto and specifically said it was for people who either need to help or people who, more importantly, that have the resources to actually help make a difference. It wasn't so people could call me every five seconds and ask me the exact same question that I've already answered a million times. So Katya said he was unhappy with questions from, quote, lazy, weak people. And, I mean, I got to be honest. Here's a guy who he made a mistake. He got caught up in the moment.

He did something a little bit brash. And now it's kind of uncool that people are calling 416-400-9994 again and again and asking for Chris I mean to call one you got to do the one because it's Canada 416-400-9994 or even emailing him at chrissky83 at gmail.com

and leaving him a message there I did it I did it right before we started taping and I got a message there. I did it. I did it right before we started taping, and I got a text back from him. I called him. Wait. Couldn't leave a message.

It wasn't taking messages. But then I got a text from the phone number I dialed with the sideways smiley face, you know, colon, half parentheses. Really? So I wrote to him. I said, hi, Chris. I have a pretty big podcast in Los Angeles called Sunday Papers. Do you have any interest in coming on for a 10-minute interview?

We get a lot of downloads. Let me know. Thanks, Greg Fitzsimmons. So if he does call me, we'll try to get him on the show for next week. But in the meantime, if you guys out there can call him and say you're a fan of Sunday Papers, you'd love to hear him interviewed. And again, 416-400-9994. He should have a menu like press two if you are a lazy, weak person. He should just make his life a little easier.

He'll weed them out. I would press two. Let's do some sports, Mike. We could do that. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Here we go. All right. I happily, happily and joyfully lost $50 to you last week as the Rams beat Tampa Bay in L.A. That was fucking sweet.

So today's Saturday. I'm going to the Rams game tomorrow. No, you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dickie Egan, really great friend. Uh, you know, Dickie, he, he has season tickets there, but he's going to the Awana, whatever the concert is, there's a concert. So he gave me two. So Olivia and I are going to go down there and I'm taking the scooter, man, my Vespa, because everyone has told me it's the biggest shit show traffic wise that you sit in a running car trying to leave for 50 minutes to an hour. Jesus, it's like it's apparently and then it's like a divorce. And then Gubbins told us, even though he cuts the line in front of minorities and other people, he, like, I can't believe he didn't push people out of the way to get on the public bus.

His was a nightmare odyssey of backtracking, changing locations. You can't meet an Uber. The whole, it's a nightmare going to this thing. Wow. Okay. Well, this week they're playing, wait, who are the Rams playing this week? Oh, no, New England is—sorry, Tampa Bay is in New England, and everybody's going to be watching. This is going to be the biggest game of the week. First time in my life I'm rooting for Belichick.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so. They're seven-point favorites, Tampa Bay, and I think they are going to fucking destroy the Patriots. Wow. Well, there's a lot of incentive on both sides. Yes. So that line may move because I read a headline today. I think Gronkowski is not making the trip.

He got hit in the ribs pretty hard last week. Oh, he did? Well, he doesn't wear rib protectors for some reason, even though he's a wide receiver which is fucking or is he a tight end no he has to be a tight end yeah he's a tight end uh so but i mean the fact that he you know is running across the field and looking over his shoulder for a pass while fucking 250 pound guys oh drive their shoulders into how would you not wear a chest protector? So, yeah, he got racked up.

He went into the tent last week. So, yeah, I'm not surprised. All right. So we're letting it ride this week. Yeah, this will be interesting. At New England, a lot going on, a lot going on there. All right. Another sports story. The NCAA will allow its women's college basketball tournament to use the phrase March Madness,

which was previously restricted to the men's tournament. I think up till now, the women's tournament was called Meh Madness. Like meh. Or March Meh-ness. That's it. March M-E-H-ness. That's it. March meh-ness. March meh-ness. March to the exits madness. Maybe March blandness? I don't know. March back to your dorm. The change announced Wednesday was a response to widespread criticism and a lawsuit that the NCAA had shortchanged its women's tournament for years, building up a gender divide within college sports that hindered the growth of women's basketball.

The report was prepared by a firm of civil rights lawyer, Roberta A. Kaplan. lawyer, Roberta A. Kaplan. And she said they use the term March Madness. The use of the term March Madness has long been one of the most visible differences between the men's and women's tournaments. Oh, really, Roberta? Oh, really? That's the most visible difference? How about there hasn't been a dunk in women's college basketball in seven years? That's pretty visible. They just had one recently, but there was a seven year drought where there wasn't one dunk. Also, you know,

are there some visible differences? The women's basketball is smaller. It's an inch smaller. And the three point line is a foot closer to the rim. And the ball is multicolored. It's like, what are you? The Harlem globe trotters Get a fucking orange ball.

If you want March Madness, get an orange ball. Grow up. Wait, are you sure? Is it a different color? Yeah, they have different colors on it. Oh, I didn't know that. All right. But, yeah.

No, there's a lot of, anyway, who knows. You know what there is? There's a lot more rebounds in women's, so that's exciting. And now I understand that. I might not be correct with that. I don't know the stats. I understand that they're not allowing crowds still to come to the women's games. Oh, no, that's just what it looks like. norm uh of course he loved this topic but when we truly and earnestly googled we wanted to see uh how many how many triple doubles like norm was interested and he's like who's like stand out like players and all that so we googled wnba triple doubles and google goes did you mean nba triple Triple doubles. So we organically develop the comedy bit. Oh, Google.

Yeah. All righty. Jews. What? Israeli soccer fans who came to support their team as it took on a German side at Berlin Stadium, at a Berlin Stadium built by Adolf Hitler's Nazi regime for the 1936 Olympics, were subjected to anti-Semitic abuse. The game was the first time an Israeli team had played at Berlin's Olympic Stadium,

and the abuse directed at the Jewish fans drew an immediate backlash. Can you believe that shit? What happened to them? Well, of course I can believe it. Are you kidding me? In the mixed block, they were threatened by union fans, pelted with beer, and insulted as, quote, shitty Jews, among other things. All right, hold on. Is that anti-Semitic? It seems weird if you're, by definition, saying there are good Jews because you're singling out shitty Jews.

there are good Jews because you're singling out shitty Jews. Yeah. Maybe it's these specific Jews that they were giving a hard time and not Jews altogether. Maybe they were shitty Jews. Maybe the chance where you're better than that. You're shitty Jews. Yeah. Yeah.

They're just trying to help them self-actualize. Okay. One union fan reportedly tried to set a female Haifa supporters, Israeli flag on fire, but was prevented from doing so by civilian security staff. Is that anti-Semitic? Don't they try to burn? I'm not I'm not even joking. Don't they try to burn every opposition's flag? Probably. It's not this isn't Jew specific in this game, it is. Go ahead. Well, it's not like you have to, I don't know who won the game.

I got to guess, that's pretty distracting. I got to guess the Germans won that one. Here's my point. Again. I think there was worse anti-Semitism in this. I think this article did a bad job of gathering the examples. But I do know this. I mean, get in line.

Are you kidding me how racist the soccer fans are over there? There was huge problems. Weren't there with Italy doing racist things towards the black players? Yeah, they throw bananas at the black players. Yeah. Was it Italy? Not just Italy, but I think the Netherlands. And they got reprimanded.

The Dutch, the Polish, the Italians. Let's just shut down Europe. I'm done with it. Europe did a lot of bad things, and they're not showing any remorse. Fuck them. Let's shut down Europe. It's been a long time.

You know what world wars are? They're reset buttons. It's been a long time since... That's what we're learning. Look at our country. Yeah. Honestly, what the hell is going on? People want to revolt.

Gay hairdressers. When the gay hairdressers start getting involved, that's when you know shit's hitting the fan anyway shitty jews to me does not i'm sure they experience worse than that but this article only picked that one shitty jews you know who used the word shitty jews the phrase shitty jews a lot oh take one guess. Good Jews. Jesus. Jesus hated and I'm using the word accurately, hated two things the most, the Romans and the shitty Jews who got in bed with Romans to enslave the other Jews. Right. And by by doing that old trick of like giving them land that they couldn't possibly farm and they default default on a loan, and then they take over the land, and all of a sudden, all these good Jews or poor Jews were enslaved by rich Jews via the law of Rome.

Anyway, there you go. Oh, look who got zealot on his audio book. I love zealot. I don't need any more sources. I just like one historical source, and then I spread it like wildfire. Speaking of which, let's do some science. You got it. You ready to get blinded?

Let's go. Okay. Now, this is kind of an interesting story. A woman has filed a lawsuit alleging medical malpractice after discovering her gynecologist she'd been seeing for nine years was her biological father. She was conceived via artificial insemination, never knew her biological father, but knew her gynecologist, Morris Wartman. I would never see a gynecologist named Wartman.

I think he had a, hecologist named Wartman. Yeah. He's putting his fingers inside of you? Oh, my God. It's literally Wartman. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. All right. He facilitated the artificial impregnation of her mother. She knew her gynecologist got her mother pregnant. Hellquist's family is said to have believed the insemination involved the sperm of a medical student but during an appointment in april hellcrest began to wonder whether wartman could

be her real dad probably because he was holding both ankles in one hand and wiping down from the vagina to the asshole as if he was changing her diaper why is he singing me lullabies i'm 28 years old what the fuck why are you wiping me so uh during an ultrasound he asked her to take off her mask and invited his wife into the room to meet hellquist so she could look at her features the doctor then allegedly said you're really a good kid such a good kid was he a good kid. Was he talking to the vagina? He was talking with the vagina like a puppet. Helquist is said to have been in shock and disbelief that he would continue to treat her a gynecologist as if she were his biological daughter. The mother decided to whatever. I mean, that's fucking crazy.

Why is he staring at his daughter's insides like that? First of all, right. It's you're not. Are you not allowed? But some doctors treat their kids right. Pediatricians or isn't it or is it unethical? I think it's unethical. I don't think you're supposed to treat family members and certainly you're not supposed to see

ever your daughter's vagina. Or breasts. I don't know. Could a doctor make an argument that, you know, you could? I saw my mom's tits this week, so who knows? Anything's possible. I know, and imagine if you were a doctor so who knows? Anything's possible. I know.

And imagine if you were a doctor. You probably wouldn't have even talked about it. You probably would have given her an exam. I don't know. But, yeah, maybe give her a heads up. But also, that's how she finds out. If I found out I was adopted, the last thing I'd want is my feet in stirrups with no pants on. Yeah.

You just mean in general? Oh, you're my mom? You know, like, let's say I'm getting my, you know, I'm getting snipped down there. Yeah. So my legs are spread. They're in, because I had this happen. My legs are spread. They're basically in stirrups. Because I had this happen.

My legs are spread. They're basically in stirrups. And they are going into my sack to clip and cauterize and pinch off my tubes. And my mom's doing that? Yeah. It's kind of hot. I can see a mother doing it to a son easier than a father doing it to a daughter. Same.

So why do we think that? Because women aren't perverts. Well, okay. But let's say this guy's wholesome as anything. Yeah. Like, let's say it's even accidental, right? I think we still feel the same way that there's a double standard. Yeah.

Okay. Why? Because the vagina is such a disgusting mess. It is. I mean, it's a gland. It's a, it's a pustulous gland and the penis is just like a, it's just a piece of meat. It's got skin around it. It's not, it's not trying to show you inside of itself. Yeah. There's something more intimate, but is that our brainwashed minds that I think there's something more sexually intimate about a vagina? Part of it is I put vaginas up on pedestals where you and I just think of our junk is this dirty appendage. Yeah. And weird, a weird sack of balls, is so so bizarre see you're lucky because your mom has a a mate a companion and so if she ever gets so sick that she needs her diaper changed and all that you don't have to do it if my mom gets sick i might have to change her fucking diaper at some

point what about my stepbrother je, my stepbrother Jeff had it. It traumatized him and he had to do it a lot. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah, I hope I never have to go through that with him. I will. If that's what it takes, I'll do it. But I really would like to avoid that in my lifetime.

Talk about full circle. I mean, that's where you came out of. Now you're returning to that. Right. It's almost like those old bears who like they go, they when they know they're dying, they go up to like their birth spot in the woods and die. You call on your mom's cooch. I'm not saying I would do that, but I think you would. All right. This day in history. All right. Give me a crinkle.

Oh, sorry. Of course. What is it? 1995. O.J. Simpson, turns out, did not kill those two people. Yes. Or as Norm MacDonald announced in the lead story on Weekend Update that week, it is finally official.

Murder is legal in Los Angeles, California. So he was acquitted of the 1994 double murder of his estranged wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman. We'll never know how friendly they really were. In the epic 252-day trial, which, by the way, my friends Chris McGuire and Kevin Knox sat on their couch from the beginning to the end of the day, every day for 252 days, and watched that fucking trial. Wait, Chris McGuire I know? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Every fucking day, and it's all they talked about. It was amazing. They proved that his guilt had not been proved beyond a reasonable doubt, and thus surmounting what the prosecution called a mountain of evidence. The Heisman Trophy star winning star running back with the Buffalo Bills and popular television personality married Nicole in 1985. He reportedly regularly abused his wife. Nothing regular about abusing your wife.

And in 89 pleaded no contest to a charge of spousal battery. In 92, she left him and filed for divorce. We all know the rest. I don't need to read you the case. Well, you know what's interesting about him pleading guilty? What? It was so bad he had to because all the cops worshipped him and they were his buddies.

Yeah. They would come by the house, they'd pose with pictures with him. And a few times the typical thing happened where the cops worshipped him and they were his buddies. Yeah. They would come by the house. They pose with pictures with them. And a few times the typical thing happened where the cops are kind of told, you know, that it's just a bad fight. And maybe there was some pushing or whatever it is. And but this one was so bad, even juice couldn't get out of it. She had a shiner. I mean, he beat her badly. He beat her badly.

And there was a lot of reports on official accounts that he was doing a fair amount of cocaine at this point in his life. And let's not kid ourselves, I think, at this point in his life. And that the amount of times that they were stabbed and the severity indicates somebody that was on drugs. And that's something that there was evidence that was not presented about his drug use from the guy who sold it to him. I forget how they suppressed it, but it would have been a little bit more damning. Damning or damning?

I would hope it's damning okay but um silent end but uh i don't like talking about any hunter who's none of his ends are silent the um i lost my train of thought the n word does that to me the n word is very distracting where were you during the uh chase, the white Bronco? I remember I was watching the Knicks game. It was during the Knicks game. I was in New York. Playoff game, I think, against Houston.

Yep. I was at the Friars Club in New York, and I was watching it, and it was like the world stopped. The fucking world stopped. Oh, I know. It was one of the biggest TV moments in history. I'm surprised the Knicks and Rockets didn't stop and watch it on the sidelines in the ref's little TV. All of them trying to look in that tent.

Yeah. But I remember where I was when this verdict came in. And I think I've told this story, but it was at HBO. I worked at HBO in on-air promos and we were all, you know, we watched, it was almost a year long saga. And Eric, who's African-American, why did I say that? Eric, who's black, you know, friend of mine there and all that. We're all watching it. We're all on the same page how crazy it is verted comes in it is shocking and eric gives a little like yes and he was standing next to me yeah and i'd like turn i'm like dude like what the fuck you know like and i was more like and he knew what i was saying which

was haven't we been on the same page this whole time of how insane this is? And he's like, it's not that. And he goes, and I mean, well, then this was very, it was very teachable moment. He goes, it's not that. It's finally a rich black guy gets to like skirt justice, like so many rich white guys. Like in other words, it was a moment where, wow, maybe the playing field has become a tiny bit in a perverse way, a tiny bit more level. Right. In the worst way where rich people can escape justice. But again, this goes back to the story we did earlier about that girl that got killed in Wyoming.

about that girl that got killed in Wyoming. Like, if it wasn't a black guy and two white victims, there's no, I mean, Grant, well, that's not true. He was a famous athlete. Yeah. Entertainer. It had a lot of elements to it, but two of those elements were he was black and they were white.

Let's not kid ourselves about that. Yeah. But celebrities, you know, what's his name? Robert Beretta. Robert Blake killed his wife. Yep. Right. With the greatest excuse ever.

I couldn't have killed her because I went back in the restaurant where I had left my gun. Yep. Right. What's his name got put away, though? The Wall of Sound music producer. Well, that's because he didn't kill his wife. He killed his girlfriend. Right.

See, there's no law that allows that yet. Let's do some letters to the editor. Phil Spector. Okay. Let's do letters to the editor. You got it. A woman named Joanne seems to want to have sex with... Oh, no.

I'm sorry. Have a crush on these guys, but doesn't crush mean have sex among the, uh, African-American community. Whoa, wait, what just happened?

Joanne wants to crush with. No. And also kids today hookup doesn't mean intercourse. No. Yeah. Weird. Okay. Jared Morrison says that, uh, love the podcast, dutifully tune in every Sunday to listen. Quick question. Is it possible to release the podcast earlier on Sunday morning as a father of two small children who, who is up at the crack every Sunday?

I find myself constantly refreshing my podcast app looking for the Sunday papers. Usually don't see it until after 9 a.m. CST. Since it's clear that you record at least the day before, could it be possible for you to set it up? All right. I think the issue is, and Chris Denman, maybe you can reply to this in the Google Doc, they would have to wake up at the crack of dawn. I don't think they can just preset the time that it gets released. I think they have to manually do it. What about the night before? Yeah, Chris, can you do it the night before so it comes out earlier?

And maybe just do the social media later? Because, Chris, what we're trying to do is super attentive dads like this Jared guy who really want that quality time with their kids first thing in the morning. They need to jam things in their ears to tune out their kids. Or play it on speakers and expose their kids to what the world is really all about. They know the truth about Dog the Bounty Hunter now. That's right. So we're going to work on that. Maybe we'll start getting it out a little bit earlier because we do hear that pretty frequently from people that they wanted out earlier.

We are, by the way, the only podcast that comes out on Sunday on all of iTunes. I got an idea to help everyone. We change our name to the Monday Papers. And when it comes out at 9 a.m. Central Time on Sunday, we can say it's early. Right. This comes from Tubal Cain says, Please stop Mike Gibbons from loudly swallowing on Mike. So fucking annoying.

I disagree. And he did it multiple times on the 926 show. Does he mean clearing my throat because I have a disease? Oh. Because I don't even think I can swallow loudly. I'd be shocked if it was swallowing. But if it is, I'm sorry. Jesus, Tubal.

How about I just ate half a granola bar during the Sunday papers? You sure did, and I heard it. He didn't say anything about it. We're not doing an obituary this week because nobody that we really care about died. Is that true? I looked in the obits. I didn't see anybody that compelling this week. I mean, especially coming off a norm. I feel like obituaries better be somebody important or else we'll just take a couple of weeks off and just keep saying norm died. Oh, man, yeah.

Still bummed about that. All right, let's go to the Sunday funnies, which I notice is missing one of the comic strips. Oh, boy, should I look it up right now? Why don't you do it while I read some mail about the Sunday papers. Andy Beach said, there's no doubt that physically Blondie's as hot as pen and ink gets, but your spot on analysis of Dagwood's pathetic shortcomings have worked to expose the shortcomings of Blondie,

who is clearly a spineless and damaged shell of a woman. Despite attracting the attention of much more deserving men, she's tethered herself to a hopeless, untrainable pine plank of a man. Not hot. to a hopeless, untrainable, pine plank of a man. Not hot. I mean, I'd still totally fuck her, but she's not the full package or cartoon wife material.

Well... What are we doing? You got to understand something. Letters to the funnies? What are we doing here? Yeah, we're doing letters to the funnies. You have to understand something. Blondie first came out in the 1930s. Oops.

And back then, women did have to you know marry losers to afford a fucking roof over their heads but the thing is blondie hasn't changed over the years i want to see a divorced blondie she's got her own catering company now she's got her own source of income i don't know why they both go to work and yet she's the one at the fucking stove every night i don't know why every weekend he's laying on the couch snoring while she's saying, hey, we got to go to the store. Why? You know, fucking leave them. Leave them already. Let's let's bring this goddamn cartoon up to the 21st century. This is what you want to see. You want to see Blondie with Hager.

Oh, shit. Hager won't ignore her. No, he will not. Yeah. What else? We had... Oh, these other ones I'll read next week because we're running long here. Here's a little Hager for you.

Speaking of Hager, Hager is with his friend lucky i forget his name and he's got his sword out and he's saying grr and the king is at the door of his castle and he says go away and his friend says i would like nothing more than to turn around and go home but this guy will stop at nothing to get what he wants. And then the other barbarians say they love working the good Viking, bad Viking routine. And when he says stop at nothing to get what he wants, your child who's reading this can rest assured he's going to rape your wife.

He's saying grr like grr. I'm going to get some Viking pussy. With a very phallic, holding a very phallic sword in a very unusual way. In front of his crotch, right? Projecting out like an erection. And same with the other guy. Look at the guy with

the sword. Yeah. I know. And he's got a big, sexy smile on his face. Yeah. Imagine having sex with a Vikingiking they march and march for days and then they they go from city to city sweating under the air as full as yours oh god they need the manscape uh let's do some lockhorns uh loretta is talking to leroy they're at the bank and there's three tellers behind the desk,

and they're all laughing and looking at a check. And Loretta says, when we get home, I'll show you how to mobile deposit your paycheck. Poor Leroy. And then you've got a family circus let's see i just put it in here and boy was it not worth it they're standing in front of a fountain which looks like old faithful like a geyser but it's not it's this fountain and it's very high and uh the father and son, the shitty little son is standing there. His name's Billy. And he is talking to the dad and goes, what a gem.

Daddy, I think I need to go to the bathroom. And that's all, folks. Imagine, like, look at the detail in the drawing of the waterfall. Yeah. Imagine, like, look at the detail in the drawing of the waterfall. Yeah. That, like, it's the definition of a long way to go for nothing. It literally, if he would spend the time that he's drawing thinking about what the caption will be. Like, I think he puts a day's work into drawing it and then is so late that he, on his way to the fax machine,

jots a caption underneath it. Maybe he should be thinking of the punchline while he's drawing. Daddy, this is like our bidet. This is like, you know, oh, my God. Yeah. It's crazy. How about some, like, clever joke about the money in the fountain? Right.

Like, I don't know. like clever joke about the money in the fountain. Right. Like, I don't know to do something, but even with this drawing, come up with 10 better things. Yeah. Anyway, it's so depressing. This will cheer you up.

Blondie in a fucking sexy ass. I went retro on this one. I went back and I found a Blondie from a little ways back. She's like in a slip. She's in a slip, but let me tell you something. Her bust holds that slip up. It's like a

bustier? What would you call that color? It's a pink. It's a rose. It's a rose colored bustier. And her legs are... Here's the beauty of it, high-heeled shoes. How would you like a wife who puts on her makeup while sitting in negligee and high-heeled shoes? And Dagwood, this fucking nothing. He's got on a golf shirt and the same black pants he wears every fucking day.

And he says, can you give me one good reason why I have to go to the McGoggle party? And she says, yes, I can, dear. And it has to do with my cooking you a hot dinner every evening for the rest of your life. And then he walks away and says, do I have to shave? Do you have to shave? No. Take the razor and draw it across your fucking neck. That's what you need to do. Set this woman free. Not free from the fucking McDougal party. Free from you. Do I have to shave? She's a catch and he doesn't know it. That pretty much sums it up. That's what it should be called.

Yeah. All right. Well, listen, folks. Unappreciated catch. If you want to appreciate us, we ask you to, of course, support our sponsors. Also, go to Apple Podcasts. Give us a nice rating, reviews, leave some comments. That helps us out a lot.

That's what they look at. And also support our sponsors that we manscaped. We did Today. We did Simply Safe. We did Magic Spoon. We did Stat Hero. Support all the sponsors. Check out Childish and FitzDog Radio. We got some good guests coming up.

And Mike, anything you want to promote? I guess Love on the Spectrum, man. Yeah. I've only seen two episodes. I'm psyched to see it. Yeah, and we're going to talk about that other show we mentioned earlier. And don't forget, the mugs will be available, I think, in just two weeks, two or three weeks. We haven't even picked one.

I mean, now you want to get involved? Yeah. Now suddenly you want to jump in? Yeah. Okay, well, most likely it's going to be the one that's on the wall over my shoulder, but we're going to discuss it. I don't think so. Well. I don't think we should do that one.

Why? I don't know. I think there are better logos that look better. Like, even the black and white one would look cool on a mug. Maybe a little understated. Otherwise, they look too Disney-ish. Yeah. All right.

Us in the suits looks really cool, but I'm also wondering, I don't know, maybe something more understated. Not that our fans are understated, but... I mean, they spoke, Mike. They spoke. The vocal ones, the outgoing loud ones spoke. The more subtle ones did not speak. That's true. Yeah. But who are the ones that buy mugs? I guess the loud mouths. Yeah.

All right. We'll see. All right. Listen, thanks, of course, to Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, and Key over at Midcoast Media, who do a fantastic job for us every week. We want to thank you guys again for listening. Please, if you enjoy the podcast, tell a friend. Spread the word. We're trying to grow this bad boy. And I guess we'll just see you next week. That's what we're going to do.

Take it eesh! Take it eesh! Sunday papers in the morning. Rarely factual, never boring. Great diagnosis to talk of masturbation. And kibbies in a fucking closet snorting Ritalin. Oh yeah, Sunday papers. Bye.