Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 84 10/10/21

Episode Date: October 10, 2021

After recounting adventures at a celebrity golf tournament Greg and Mike played in this week, they laugh at The Bieb who was duped by a fake Tom Cruise. Anti-vaxers are trying to find jobs, and people on the Spectrum are trying to find love. Mike gives his review of Chappelle at The Hollywood Bowl and then Family Circus. Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime Pre-order your Sunday Papers Mug now! https://www.hellomerch.com/products/sunday-papers-coffee-mug

Read all about it Die, what is wrong with you? Yes, read all about it Cartoon Greg would fuck him up I'm pretty sure Sunday, Sunday, Sunday The Sunday papers Florida Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, the Sunday papers.

Florida, man. Take it easy. I can hear you, right? Check, check. Check it to the check, check, check. Yeah, I can hear you, man. Here we go. There's a little light to fill in the shit. check, check. Yeah, I can hear you, man. Here we go. There's a little light to fill in the shit.

Oh, boy. All right. Go ahead. I don't give a shit. What are you going to start? Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers.

Flop it on your front step. Make a cup of coffee. Put it in a Sunday papers mug, and start the week right. Key, our talented editor, is the one joining us today. We can't hear her or anything, but Key, you can keep that first part in there where I ask Greg to fucking start this thing. All right. All right, well, listen. I wish Denman was on because we could roast his shitty St. Louis Cardinals

for losing in the wild card on Wednesday night against the LA Dodgers yeah how about that ninth inning ninth inning walk off homer from Taylor guy why was he at the plate he was in the biggest slump ever I mean I't follow this, but I can hear the announcers when they say he was like 8 for 74 or something like that. Yeah, LA sports right now is on fire. The Dodgers are in the playoffs. The Rams are, I

think, probably the number one team in the league. They're not as on fire as Tampa. Tampa, well, yeah, we'll get to that when we get to sports. Let's talk about what's the elephant in the living room right now. Oh, my hair? No, go ahead.

You do have tusks for sure. Well, you know, you know those little Instagram things like, I wake up like this or whatever. This is literally it. The mugs. You guys voted. You voted on the mugs, and Mike overturned the number one pick,

which was the blondie one, the one that you're seeing over my right shoulder, but it had his blondie in it, and felt that it was too over the top. It was like a little childish a little which is your other podcast well i think it's great i love it but i'm not gonna you know i want us to be both on board so we went with the number two pick which is uh show it on the screen right now key if you put it up put it up there. There it is. That is the mug

that will be for sale. It's going on sale, pre-sales right now. The link will be available on our website, FitzDawg.com. We also have a SundayPapers.net website. It'll be on there as well. We're going to

Instagram it out and pick them up. This is a great Christmas gift. It's our first piece of merchandise. We're very excited about it. I think it came out beautiful. It's understated. Now, do you have to tell them the importance of the pre-orders? Because we don't know how many to order. Yeah, the thing about merch is you have to order by the increments of like 250, and we have no idea how many we're going to sell. Our hope is that we're going to sell one mug for every 10 listeners that we have.

So get on board, support the podcast. It's an amazing Christmas gift. Let's do better than that. One for every five? Here's the podcast. It's an amazing Christmas gift. Let's do better than that. One for every five. Here's the thing. It's because of shipping and we can't order a lot. We're really not trying to make money

on this. Keep in mind, we have made no money on this. But $15. But think of it this way. All your Starbucks drinks, a lot of them come in at $5 in a in a plat in a like cardboard cup that last 25 minutes and it's gone. Yeah. This will last forever.

Picture yourself getting up on a Sunday, making coffee and then pouring it into this mug and sitting and listening to the podcast at the same time. It's it's idyllic. I picture you in Vermont. You've got an Australian sheepdog in your lap. Wow. You're watching your wife shower through a glass door. You spill scolding hot coffee on your sheepdog. And your rock hard cock.

Wait a minute. Is this a sales? Usually when it's other people's ads, you're much better at reading them. So anyway, it's 15 bucks plus shipping and handling. Go to the website, pick them up for Christmas,

please. Pre if you're going to do it, do it right away so that we know how many to order. Cause it takes about three weeks for the cups to come in and we want to make sure you get them for Christmas for your loved ones. All right. There you go. We want to talk about a great organization called Comedy Gives Back

that Zoe Friedman does with Jodi Lieberman and Amber J. What's Amber J.'s last name? Lawson? Lawson. Amber J. What's Amber J.'s last name? Lawson? Lawson. Lawson. The three of these women have come together and started a foundation that gets money and they give it to comedians that are in need. Guys and women that have gone out and worked their lives in the stand-up trenches and then all of a sudden, because of the pandemic or whatever reason, sometimes work just dries up and they're having a hard time with rent and they give them grants. So we did this golf tournament on Monday and it was it was all comedians.

So it was just a fucking riot from the time we literally show up. And the first person we see is Bert Kreischer, who's already drinking and his shirt is off. His shirt is off before he gets to the first tee. Yeah. Did you see some Instagram that he posted during it? I guess he challenged someone, I forget, that he could throw the ball on like a long par five. Oh, right, right.

Instead of using a club. Is that a golf thing? Is that like a, how many could I throw? I don't know. A hand wedge. Yeah. Oh, all right. Yeah Instead of using a club. Is that a golf thing? Is that like a, how many could I throw? I don't know. A hand wedge. Yeah. Oh, all right. Yeah, I can't remember.

He has an arm injury that he suffered while making his film in whatever god-awful Eastern European nation he was in for like six months. Oh, so he maybe didn't even golf. Okay. He didn't golf. He drove around in a cart and drank and smoked cigars and pot. He was getting everybody high, I think. And then, but it was great.

You play, who did you play with? Rabih and Jim Jeffries. Right. Jim Jeffries was the funny guy with us and he is very hysterical. Jim Jeffries, it's funny. I sometimes I'm like, I guess because I'm in the business or whatever, you know, whatever. But I'm like, is legitimately funny. Like, you know, people can have their persona and be funny and all that. But like, he's a really, he, he is his voice. And some executives from a lot of the studios took out, they bought teams for a shitload of money. They ended up raising like, I think $150,000 by my estimation at least.

And so I played with some guys from Lionsgate. Is that what it's called? Lionsgate? Yeah, those are big dudes. Big dudes. And they were a lot of fun and they invited me to play in another tournament with them. So I got another. These gigs are great because you show up, you're raising money, you're playing on a great course, you're playing with funny people, and then they give you a nice gift bag at the end. With weed in it.

Yeah, there was weed in the gift bag. Hold on. I have a technical thing. Much better. Let's continue with the podcast. Have you talked about the mugs yet sorry go ahead imagine if i haven't heard a word you said all right let's go did you mention burt uh and then burt went into there was a uh an auction at the end of it and somebody had donated like four or five nights the four seasons in hawaii and there was a bidding war between it ended up between burt and ben bailey from cash cab

and everybody how nice is that guy he is the greatest greatest guy and uh everybody just assumed that burt was going to win because he just kept jacking up the betting. It was like, it started at a fee. He also bought a million raffle tickets. He was incredibly generous. And he auctioned off. He let four of his fans into the tournament. He auctioned off a foursome to his fans and raised like $10,000 that way. And then he and Ben Bailey got into a bidding war and it went

$3,000, $5,000, $7,000 they ended up, Ben Bailey beat Bert Kreischer and bid $11,000 for the week in Hawaii it got to like $6,000 and was starting to stall a little and I think Ben was sitting on $6,000 and then

Bert decided to end it and he just goes you know what, what? Cause it was like 5,500, 6,000. Bert goes out right before the countdown 9,000 and like standing ovation. And it was over. And then Ben went in with the 10. And then fucking Bert sat on his hands. Yep. Yep. He blanked. Bert blanked. But I've always said this about these fundraising things. If I were in that position right then, I'd be like, hold on. How about this? Let's give each of you a trip for nine grand each.

And then you call the hotel and you ask for another donation. And even if they gouge you, you're still going to make money. But like, why leave nine grand on the table that someone's willing to pay? Right. Um, there was a lot of $19,000 was bid. The last two bids were $19,000. And what happens is the charity only takes 10. Yeah. Anyway. And then, uh, Jimmy Kimmel bought a group. Um kimmel bought a group um neil and bought a group um a bunch of different comedy shows um anyway so it was fun and then we played golf again we played golf twice this week with uh dennis gubbins who fucking became such a little bitch on the fifth hole because we were teasing him. And it's not a joke.

You know, you guys make a joke. It's not a joke. It's not funny. Okay. All right. Keep in mind the reason this is a headline and hopefully it's relatable and you have friends like this. Dennis is incredibly funny and rolls with it and has the persona of that.

And this is such a, he also has this speed. He also has this gear in his arsenal. I'm mixing a million metaphors here, but like it's surprising. Yeah. It always, it's surprising me less and less because I'm seeing more and more of it. But so I pulled the kind of trick, which is like, if you're ever in an argument with someone, a fun thing to say is why do you always have something to say about everything? And there's no way to defend that.

You know what I mean? Or like when you go to someone like, why are you always so defensive? Like it's checkmate. So with him, I'm like, all you're doing is arguing technicalities, which he was, by the way. Yeah. But it's very hard to argue back because then you're being technical about you know what i've said right so uh he did not like that no and then and then when we started

teasing him about that he was being a bitch he just dug in even further and uh but the good thing about him is he's like a dog like my dogs will have these fights where they're rolling around and they've gone they've sent each other to the hospital with stitches. One of them ripped the other one's eye, and they fucking go at it. But literally 15 seconds later, they're sniffing each other's butts and just hanging out like everything's cool. And that's how Dennis is after he has one of his little fits. Yeah, he licks his balls, and then he kind of cozies up to you.

He was sniffing my asshole, which I thought was sweet. Yeah, that was fun. What else has gone on? What else? Did I tell you? Well, we'll save it for entertainment because we have a story on him. I don't think I told you, though. I

went to Hollywood. I had no tickets to go to Hollywood Bowl and then Chappelle got in quote trouble. And that, so his special came out, I think Tuesday or Wednesday, right? Yeah. Thursday night he was in the Hollywood bowl showing his documentary and I went to it. Nice. How did you get tickets? Oh man, i got gouged uh half of me woke up and it was interesting half of me woke up and uh when he went and when everyone like called to boycott him glad and this black caucus all like called to like boycott him there was a movement to like pull his special off netflix and because of all the snowflakes in la i thought oh well people may be back away they don't want to be seen supporting him. Right.

If especially if they have a job in the industry and kudos to Hollywood and L.A., it had the opposite effect. Everyone wanted to see what he would say. And so StubHub prices fucking flew up. I didn't even have good seats or whatever. So anyway, uh, the, and he showed his documentary, but his first line when he came out was something like, this is what, uh, being canceled feels like. This is great. Yeah. Cause he got a, he got a standing ovation from a completely sold out Hollywood bowl. Yeah. Right. Anyway, we'll talk about that story later on. I was just trying to think of what we did this week. All right. What are we doing? I did some shows last night. I did a benefit. Judd Apatow threw a benefit for abortion. I don't know whose abortion

it was, but we raised enough money, I think, for the abortion. No, I think it was for the ACLU and it was for obviously what's going on in Texas. And it was just very weird to go on at Largo, which I always, I get a little intimidated that the crowd is going to be a little more woke than I am. And then you add- Oh, you think? Then you add abortion benefit to it

and you're like, oh shit. But they were awesome. It was sold out and it was a good line. It was a bunch of my friends from Crashing that we had done Crashing together. Oh, nice. Beth Stelling and Ian Edwards, and oh, my God. Oh, I love them.

Jessica Curson is in town. Do you know Jessica Curson? I don't know Jessica. Not enough people know her. She's a fucking killer. She goes on stage and just annihilates. She's a comedy seller comic from New York and, you know, tours around the country. And she's done stuff, not enough stuff.

Clearly. And Rachel Feinstein. Although I'm getting more and more out of it, especially out here. But I'd love to check her out. Yeah, her and Rachel Feinstein were out and they did my podcast this week. They did Fitz Dog Radio. I know Rachel's really good friends with Amy Schumer. Yeah.

I think they're like best friends. Yeah. I think they're besties. I think they're besties. They're besties. I think that she gave Rachel three months of night nursing when she had her baby as a shower gift. I think it was actually just to make good on it. I think Rachel gave Amy endometriosis, so she had to get that disease taken out of her.

Never mind, bad joke. All right, let's go. What are we doing here? All right, shout out to Sam Famino for doing that kick-ass song today. How about it? Really, really awesome. And then the logo came from Shane Hearing. He made it a long time ago.

I don't know how it got kind of lost in the shuffle, but honestly, we haven't gotten a lot of logos lately, so I was going back through. I've got a folder with all the logos that people have sent in. You know, some weeks you send me like four logos, especially in the past. I bet we have a lot of unused ones. We do have a lot of unused ones,

but we're looking for some new ones if you want to send them in. Always looking for new action. Send them to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. Hey, next week, by the way, we should talk about when we're going to do... This is a perfect time to do it. First, do your dates.

Oh, well, I was going to do corrections first, but I'll do my dates. Oh! I don't know how this podcast goes. I'm just a guest. Oxnard Improv next weekend, October 15 through 16. That's up by Ventura. And then I will be in San Francisco at the Punchline November 4th through the 6th. We're wondering if Mike Gibbons wants to come up and do the podcast.

No, no, you don't wonder any longer. I definitely do. I'm in Michigan, however. Oh, so we're not doing it. You're doing it. And I'm there in spirit. I'm going to be in a stadium with, what is it called? The big house or whatever they call it. Now we have to get into college football because my daughter's in Michigan, which is still unbelievable to me. Don't tell her that. So anyway, yeah, going to Michigan. That's Parents Weekend.

All right. And then I'll be in Boston. Parents Weekend. These people are almost 20. It's so stupid. They're adults. Go ahead. I'll be in Boston and Portland.

Those dates are also on the website. If you want to get tickets, that's how you do it. Just announcing some new dates also at Lexington. Lexington, Kentucky. That's coming up. Anyway, let's get to

corrections. Hold on. I already told you I had something to do before corrections. So next weekend, we have not missed a Saturday. I mean a Sunday. But we record it on Saturday usually. It's pretty remarkable. What show is this? Do we know?

It's been a year and a half. In the high 70s? I'll tell you right now. Oh. Anyway, I'm on a plane next Saturday. Yes. We're going to have to record early, maybe on Friday.

Going to Tennessee. I'm going to a wedding at Graceland. What? Yep. Wait a minute. What day is the wedding? And then the reception is in Elvis's, I don't know if garage is the right word, but in his car collection. Wait, whose wedding is this?

A guy by the name of Mr. Ben Hoffman. Ben Hoffman's getting married? Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, yes, it's very, very, it's not even a wedding. It's very, very, it's basically, and they've even termed it this, like, come to our elopement. Oh. I think one other person from L.A. is going, and I should try to. Oh, this is our 84th episode. Key has just put in the script.

84th episode. Holy shit. Look at Key. Fuck Chris Denham. I think we missed it's Denman. Whatever. After 84 episodes, you don't know our producer's name. No, the M is silent.

I believe we might have taken one Sunday off in 84 weeks. What do you mean? We haven't missed a week. We haven't missed a week? Oh, my God. That's weird of you. That's with us both traveling constantly. Oh, I know.

This is a commitment. I did one from a car. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so- All right, next Friday. We'll do it Friday. I'm confused.

What date- The wedding is Sunday. The wedding is Sunday. Okay, got it. I think Graceland's busy on Saturday, maybe. I don't know. So you leave on Saturday morning? Do you know there's a Jewish star on Elvis's gravestone?

Do you know he found out he was Jewish? No shit. All right, this is going to trigger a million corrections. Let me report back once I'm there. I think there's the Star of David on his tombstone, I think. Or somewhere on the gravesite. Elvis Presley is Jewish. Maybe Key.

Key, we're going to throw, oh, this is so funny. We're going to throw off, Key is young, hip. We're going to throw off her whole fucking, Facebook and Google are going to be like, what the fuck is Key up? She's really throwing some red herrings in here. We're going to have her look up. Star of David on Elvis's grave site.

Something that she hasn't even thought of in her entire life. Yeah. Yeah. Let's have her look up the whitest things ever. Also like, like two fucking old fucks. Like we are. It does explain the blue suede shoes.

That's something you see a lot in retired guys in Miami. Yeah. He didn't eat like an old Jew. I'll tell you that. He was not worried about his stomach. That's right. Oh my God. Yeah.

Well, I mean. Key's saying she should get her own segment. Good luck, Key. The internet's going to kick you off once they see these curveballs coming their way from you. She wants to call it What Does Key Know? Okay. We're going to challenge Key today and see how fast she can do things. The key that turns all the locks.

I'd grab onto that. I'd grab onto that slogan key. That's a good one. I had a professor in college who would talk about that, like in understanding like Kierkegaard or something. He's like, well, here's the key that turns all the locks. I'm like, that's the coolest phrase I've ever heard. Yeah.

Corrections. We only got one. We are. I'm telling you, Mike mike we're starting to get very sharp i don't know if the riddling's kicking in or she's sticking with her nickname keyhole i think that's a little weird and also a little inappropriate i think but all right god uh this is from matt he says i'm excited i get to submit my first correction mike started talking about why the last man by saying he's not a fan of superhero movies

or Marvel. Why the Last Man was a comic book, but in no way is it a superhero movie. There are many comic book movies that don't even have fantasy or science fiction involved like Road to Perdition or A History of Violence. Take it easy.

I love that. History of Violence was so cool because it really did feel like a comic book. The way they produced it and executed it, it was very big. It had big ideas. It made you feel kind of spacey and like it took you for a ride. Is that the one with the European guy? No, it was the one that he had amnesia. I remember a trailer where he like beat up some people in a diner or something.

Oh yeah. Yeah. It was a guy who tried to leave. He tried to leave the mob and he moved to a small town in the Midwest and then they come and they find a many years later. He's now had a family, wife and kids. And Maria Bello plays the wife. And she was my next door neighbor for years. Smoking hot. And there's a sex scene with her that I would put up against like officer and a gentleman sex scene. I put it up against nine and a half weeks. It is in the stairway and it was anger sex.

I remember the officer and the gentleman getting it on. Nine and a half weeks. It is in the stairway, and it was anger sex. It was awesome. I don't remember the officer and the gentleman getting it on. Oh, you mean with his girlfriend? Yeah. All right. So listen, what's his name? History of Violence. Who's the lead?

What's his name? I always forget his name. The European guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. He's a great actor. Right. Okay, good.

That's the movie there. So listen, I like this correction. I consider The Matrix like a superhero movie. But was it based on a comic book? No, no, no. But I also am liking the broad interpretation of a, you know, especially Reluctant Heroes. I love the Reluctant Heroes. you know, especially reluctant heroes. I love the reluctant heroes. Like a very,

it was not a comic book, but M. Night Shyamalan, uh, the one Unbreakable. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah. It was great. I, it's a slow burn, but I loved Unbreakable. He didn't even realize he had the superpower. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. I guess a lot of them don't realize it early on, but anyway. It's one of the, one of the most sad moments i've seen in the movie is like remember he's on the train at the beginning and he starts flirting with this girl and and they just there's a shot of him slipping off his wedding ring and putting it into his pocket no i don't remember that it's like oh yeah oh wow are you sure you're not conflating it with the six cents when his

wedding ring fell off his finger because he was dead and thinning all right let's move on to the front oh a couple things we want to talk to you guys about a lot going on in the world look we got these earbuds from raycon and i'm, I'm holding them up right now. They are so much cheaper than Apple, and I think they're just as good. I've had both, and these are just as good. They're noise-canceling, and they fit snugly in your ear. The functionality of pushing the buttons on the side to push play, to turn the power off, to take a call. Like, it's all amazing.

Highly recommend these Raycon earbuds. No, awesome. Now, listen, I just got mine. I have to let go of this wire thing. So next week, I think I'm going to try to use those. Okay. You try to use them. I use them going to the gym.

I listen to audio books while I'm working out at Gold's Gym. And they stay snug. They don't fall out. They have bad techno music playing at Gold's Gym, but I can't hear it because the Raycons block it out. Eight hours of playtime. Wow. Yeah.

That's pretty sweet. They look cool. They don't look... The white... These are dark. They don't look... The white... These are dark. You don't even see them. I think you look kind of douchey with the Apple ones in, I think. Oh, boy.

Till next week when they're the spot. Just go. So you're calling me a douche right now. And you. You can set it. There's a few different settings. You can do pure mode for podcast listening, blues, instrumental, balanced mode for podcast listening, rock, heavy metal, and bass mode. That's if you want to get into some hip-hop and reggae.

So that's for the black people, the bass mode. Is that what it is? I think so. Actually, I think more white people listen to reggae than black people. It's kind of like yacht rock. I would almost call reggae yacht rock. By the way, that's a fact. Is it?

Well, wait, what did you say? That I would almost consider it yacht rock. No. Did you say you think more white people listen to rap or hip hop than black people? No, I said reggae. Oh. Well, I think white, there's very little black people. Few, I should say.

There's very little black people? There's also little black people. But there's few. Gary Coleman listens to reggae? There's even fewer little black people. No. I mean, blacks in this country, like what are we talking about? 13%?

13%. Yeah. But also, you know, so I saw Snoop Dogg. I saw Snoop Dogg perform at the Hollywood Bowl this week because Chappelle brought him up. And I remember him vividly, like, saying, like, it was early on. And he looked out at the crowd. And it was these white faces, like, just on every syllable of every word of every song. And he just goes like, as an artist, it really threw me.

But clearly I had no idea how they were relating to my like Long Beach, you know, thug life that I was rapping about. But something resonated. And he was one of the first ones early on that didn't like write it off just as, oh, these people think blacks are cool and, you know, and, and like rap just because they think it's cool and it's a way for them to like, he was like, no, no, there's something about it. They have it, they have an, uh, a dis-ease and a, um, you know, an anger in them as well that it's tapping into anyway. Well, yeah. I mean, look at blues. I mean, the guy, the great blues men,

they traveled, you know, they live like hobos. They travel town to town. There was, there was racism and there was, and they, they talked about it in their music. And most people that enjoyed the blues weren't living that kind of life, but they connected to the themes and the emotions of it. Yeah. So anyway, back to Raycon. So anyway, far more white people listen to meme, whatever music you want, more white people listen to it, just statistically.

They start at half the price of other premium audio brands. The Raycon comes with a 45-day happiness guarantee. Right now, Sunday Papers listeners can can get 15 off their raycon order at buyraycon.com slash papers that's buy b-u-y raycon r-a-y-c-o-n dot com slash papers to save 15 on raycons buyraycon.com slash papers highly recommend it 15 yeah do it yeah yeah right all 15%. Yeah. Do it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. All right. Also, what do we got? Keto snacks. Got them?

Got them? You ready for this? Did you get them in the mail? Ate them in Glacier National Park. Yeah. Where I needed them. Right in the backpack. Monk Pack.

They're called Monk Pack. And I had one before the show started. I'm trying to look for the wrapper right now. One gram of sugar. Keep them in my golf bag. One gram of sugar. Listen to the numbers on these things. They are delicious.

One gram of sugar, two to three grams of net carbs, and they're only 140 calories. Gluten-free, grain-free, plant-based, non-GMO, no soy, trans fat, sugar alcohols, or high-intensity sweeteners. None of that crap. But it tastes amazing. Yes. Here's one of the keys, man. Coconut's the key, I gotta tell you. Yeah?

You put coconut, that's the one, I ate two of them actually in glacier on this one hike and uh it felt like i was cheating yeah it was awesome i mean like keep keto is really the way to eat i mean i'm not telling everybody to to become keto but like if you have elements of it in your life then uh you know it just keeps you from crashing out. Middle of the day, and my sugar starts to drop, I start to get tired, boom. I throw a monk pack in my monk pack keto granola bar in my mouth, and things just turn around. I tried my hardest to teach my daughters that. Like, I go, sometimes there's functional eating.

It's not what you're in the mood for and all this. I mean, this combines both because they're delicious. Yeah. But it's, listen, I also, the reason they're going in the backpack is not because I'm like, oh, I want something delicious like dessert later. That's a side effect. That just happens. But it's like, no, I'm going to need that.

Yeah. Like I'm going to crash. I'm not going to have energy. And so these are perfect blend of something that is purely, it can be viewed as purely functional. And then the icing on the cake is that it tastes great. Try it for yourself and you'll see we have a special deal for our listeners. 20% off your first purchase of any Monk Pack product by visiting monkpack.com and entering our code PAPERS at checkout. And Monk Pack is so confident in their product,

it's backed with a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't like it for any reason, they'll exchange the product or refund your money, whichever you prefer. To get started, go to MonkPack.com and select any product and then enter the code PAPERS at checkout to save 20% off your purchase.

Monk Pack, delicious, nutritious food you can count on. We thank them for sponsoring the podcast. Wonderful. Let's do our new segment called No Shit. Here we go. All right, sir, in no shit news, Justin Bieber got duped into picking a fight with the Tom Cruise deep fake. All right.

Do you know about this Tom Cruise deep fake account? I have been watching this guy for years. He is, I mean, it's uncanny. He's got to be related to him. He looks exactly like him. No. What are you talking about? There's CGI involved. involved oh is that cgi you know this is why we call it no shit this is in the no shit segment greg everybody's on board

the obvious that's why it's the no shit all All right. Anyway, what's amazing about the deep fake Tom Cruise is you're really, it's magnetic because you're really studying every twinkle in his eye, every line on his face, his teeth, because it's like, there's that true essence of Tom Cruise in there, but you know, it's fake.

So wait, they CGI what? Like his eyes and nose? So this guy, I'm probably going to blow some of this and we look forward to next week's correction where someone will tell us exactly how they do it. But it's a CGI, it's a computer generated program. I think it maps the person's face. So what this creator of this Instagram account did was

he got a great Tom Cruise impersonator. And then I think his face is mapped with Tom Cruise's face. Oh, okay. That's why it looks so much like him. Right. But the key is this impersonator also, but this time around it was Tom Cruise playing guitar and it's amazing. And, uh And so in numerous stories on his Instagram, Bieber who saw it praised Cruise while sharing footage of what he believed was Tom playing the guitar. He tagged the official account of Cruise and Bieber stated he was impressed

with the actor's musical chops before challenging him once again to a boxing match. Why does he want to box Tom Cruise? That's so weird. Because he's Bieber, man. That's being Bieber. Is that being Bieber? Is that what he's become?

A guy who challenges people to boxing matches? I don't know. And then Bieber went on to follow up with a rendition of his own, playing what he described as a cover of Tom Cruise's new song over multiple stories of his own on Instagram. It wasn't until two hours after his original post that Bieber appeared to realize that the video didn't actually feature the famed actor. Wow. And my thing on this deep take of Tom Cruise is it's sort of backwards because the deep fake Tom Cruise is grounded, seems sane, doesn't talk about crazy stuff. You'd think that deep fake Tom Cruise would be the one jumping on Oprah's couch and believing in Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, who dumped fiends into volcanoes.

Nope, that's the real one. That's how you know it's the real Tom Cruise when he's talking about getting clear popping out of a volcano. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. He faked them by being normal that. And also, you know, I guess the guy was a pretty decent guitar player. If Justin Bieber was, was impressed. Oh no, he was very good. He was very good. It really is. You're watching. I mean, it's so believable.

It's Tom Cruise playing. It is truly a deep fake. Like, as I told you, I'm studying this thing. There's no way I can detect it's not Tom Cruise. Yeah. But also with the story, how hard is it to trick Bieber? This is a guy that thought it was cool to write in the guest book of Anne Frank's place that he wishes she was a Belieber or hoped she was.

He also got a pet monkey that he traveled with and then had to leave it in a German airport. Also, he had a pet monkey. Wow. So a little less impressive when you fool Justin Bieber. Do you think Anne Frank would have enjoyed Justin Bieber's music? I mean, it seems like... I think she had other priorities. I think if you're in an attic long enough,

even Justin Bieber's music might start to sound good. She might have thought it was sort of a strategy by the Germans to smoke her out of the attic just by blasting this fucking, I'm sorry. It's like their Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. It's not going to work. Well, I hope Tom Cruise picks this up, the real Tom Cruise, and gets in on it and maybe actually tries to play the song. If he was smart, that's what he would do right now.

And he would also come out of the closet. That's the thing with Tom Cruise. When you see this, you're like, I bet he hunkered down for four months with multiple guitar teachers, focused like an MF-er, and did it. Yeah. Like, Tom, talk about a guy whose focus is immeasurable. But no. I'm starting to realize that success in life is largely focus.

So much of people that get things done in this world and become successful and whatever they're doing they just have a biological innate ability to sit still take one task and stay on it and almost like that's why you see so many people with like that are on the spectrum that are asperger'sy become super successful of course most people they start something and as soon as they hit any kind of resistance, they just give up. And I'm talking about myself. And when I take Ritalin, I'm so much better, and I get so much more done. But the people that just naturally can stay calm and can push through, that's 90% of success, I think.

More than talent. More than God-given talent. And one step at a time. Yeah. And here's my thought process. I get a really good idea. Like let's say I get an idea for a movie and let's say it's actually a good idea that I don't immediately shit on, which is rare. Um, my second thought. So my first thought, if I was focused would be, why don't I sit down tomorrow or later today or right now for 30 minutes and start writing some, you know, let's build on that. My first thought then is, all right, how would this be really big? How would this be a really big movie? And then like, should I write it with someone? But then I'm like, oh,

then am I going to share credit? Do I need to do that? Am I only doing that because I have to, it helps me write a more disciplined when I write with, and then eventually I just have lunch and I never think of that idea again. Yeah. Now, and when is the masturbation? I jumped to it. I jumped from, I, Oh no, that's when it's like, I'm going to try this idea. Like I, I promised myself. That's when I's like i'm gonna try this idea like i i promise myself that's when i swear to god i'm gonna work on it but i jump from this might be a germ of an

idea to it's in theaters and is it a bomb already yeah what an idiot seriously such a fucking idiot yeah you're an idiot what are we doing doing? Let's do front page, baby. That's what I signed up for. Do it. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Two men have been slapped with the bill for damage in excess of $1 million after their gunfire punctured a pipeline and sent thousands of gallons of diesel fuel spraying into a creek that flows into a river. In a statement, the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency called the men joyriders and their act target practice.

The two men took guns to a bridge spanning a waterway that feeds the Yellow Medicine River. Bored with shooting at the water, sick-fired an AR-15 and hit the pipeline at least three times. The rupture they caused leaked at least 3,900 gallons of diesel fuel into the water. Here's the best part. Both the defense and prosecution agreed that the men lack sufficient financial resources to pay the restitution of a million dollars. sufficient financial resources to pay the restitution of a million dollars. So the court has ordered each to pay $30 a month for the next 20 years. That's about $6,000 total.

There goes Netflix. $30,000. Oh, my God. I mean, $30. $30 a month. Yeah. How did they land on that number? I mean, I guess they looked at, you know, when Amazon is hiring for the Christmas season, what that pays,

and then how many cans you can collect in the other nine months of the year. Boy, you know, this story went a totally different way with a guy named Jed Clampett back on the Beverly Hillbillies. He didn't have to pay. He got millions and moved to Beverly Hills. He moved to Beverly. Hills, that is.

Come and listen to my story. About a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed and then one day he was shooting at some food and up through the ground came a bubbling crude oil that is black gold Texas tea hey by the way when I was thinking about that, I was like, where the hell does hillbilly, hillbilly is so derogatory, but it didn't start that way. So I looked it up and there's, there's a lot of like the derivation of it. Apparently it's very, there's some Scotch.

There's a Scottish derivation of it. They were mountain, you know, mountain, mountain folk. And then the King was William. And so Billy was an affectionate, blah, blah, blah. But in 1900, the New York, there's a New York journal article, sorry, containing the definition quote, a hillbilly is a free, they're talking about American hillbillies. A hillbilly is a free untrammeled, untrammeled. A hillbilly is a free, untrammeled, untrammeled, I like that word, white citizen of Alabama who lives in the hills, has no means to speak of, dresses as he can, talks as he pleases, drinks whiskey when he gets it,

and fires off his revolver as the fancy takes him. Oh, my God, that sounds like a dream. I want to move to Alabama and be that guy. It sounds like a dream. I want to move to Alabama and be that guy. And then occasionally, Burt Reynolds and his buddies will come up with a softer friend, and you rape them in the woods.

That's it. That's it. That's in Tennessee. And it's not gay. It's just being a hillbilly. It's just what you do. You fuck what comes into the woods. It doesn't matter if it's a movie star.

Yup or do. Wow, what a life. it's a movie star. Yup or do. Wow, what a life. That's it, man. Dress as you can, drink as you please. It's like that Irish song. I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry. And if moonshine don't kill me, I'll live till I die. I think they all live till they die.

Yeah. All right. Let's get to those koreans all right uh senator chuck grassley who i believe is the oldest member of uh of the senate right now i think he's like 90 he probably isn't even the oldest he praised a korean-american judge for her work ethic during a Senate confirmation hearing. Yeah, the confirmation hearing. He congratulating you and your people. Quote, what you said about your Korean background reminded me a lot of my daughter-in-law. Forty five years has said it. Quote, if I've learned anything from Korean people, it's a hard work ethic and how you can make a lot out of nothing, he said.

So I congratulate you and your people. And if I've learned anything from my Jew accountant, don't try to write off gifts to my Korean daughter-in-law. If I've learned anything from my Irish brother-in-law, don't mix tequila and bourbon

unless your wife first hides the car keys and locks up the dog. If I've learned anything, meaning you've learned one thing. He's a drunk. I think he's a drunk. I don't know. I mean, he definitely played the daughter-in-law card you know that that she's korean by the way i looked that up because i thought why is he quoting her yeah that's a real

way to distance yourself from this sort of uh stereotyping yeah well so people were very offended well koreans have this rap for being they have the rap of being the hardest working people in the world that they are which again is that bad is it bad to say that culturally you guys have a hard work ethic is it bad to say that the jews culturally prize education is it you know i mean why can't you say good stereotypes it's prejudice yeah but it's true it's fucking true i know a lot of korean people and they work their asses off well if i've learned anything from koreans they have insane leaders they also hate half their people am i allowed to say that?

North Koreans, South Korea? I don't know anything about North Koreans. But I'm saying, but like, in other words, it's the same thing. If I took that, like, if I've learned anything from Koreans, like, they're, you know, they're insane because I'm going on like, you know, they're one of their leaders. No, I'm talking about growing up in New York and seeing Korean grocers work their butts off. No, of course. It's same with Mexicans. Even like last week or two weeks ago, I positively stereotyped them, you know, as the hardest working people I know. And that's the thing about- Generally, it's true. I guess maybe say the word generally. We have shut down immigration in this country. And who hustles?

Somebody who comes from three generations of wealth, who went to fancy private schools and expects the world to be handed to them. They don't work. They don't create. You get the people that come to this country to follow the American dream. That's what drives this economy. Koreans, Mexicans. Even those Koreans who are third generation even they they work hard like i remember you know hackley where i went your sister graduated your brother like me didn't

make it the full distance at hackley but it was his high school in uh tarrytown new york and uh the moons went there reverend sun young moon his children. And those kids were top of the class. Yeah. There were like four of them, each in a different grade. They were outstanding in art. I remember Sun Young Moon, I think. Anyway, she was in my grade and was like the best artist easily. And then there were all rumors.

Everyone was like, did you see all the guns? Like, you know, they would be driven in an armored limousine. And then there were all rumors. Everyone was like, did you see all the guns? They would be driven in an armored limousine. And then there were rumors. I never saw them. That one time they had opened the trunk for some reason, and they saw machine guns in there. Well, that's exactly the kind of rumor that gets started at a high school, though, isn't it? Of course.

Yeah. But even they, hardworking, rich kids. Three out of five people, you want to read this story? Sure. Three out of five, this is a weird story. Three out of five people consider their pet a soulmate. Wow. I'm just going to do the story.

Would you risk your life for your fur baby? A new survey reveals that three in five Americans would willingly run into a burning building to save their pet. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But that's a weird. OK, I have a lot of problem with the problems with this article. First of all, when you ask that, it's like, of course, I'd run in the what's implicit

in the question is I'm running out with the pet. Would you run in to throw your pet out the window safely? But you perish inside the building. That's a real question. No. Zero out of five. But you would do it for your child. Yeah.

See, fuck animals. Yeah. See, fuck animals. The poll of 2000 cat and dog owners also shows that 81% wouldn't think twice before saving their pet from immediate danger. Yeah. Okay. That's not a real question. would willingly fight another person to save their four-legged friend. Okay. 62% would even describe their pet as their best friend, while that three and five consider their pet their soulmate. So this is all an article from fucked up hypotheticals magazine. Yeah. And 3% consider them lovers.

And the police are following up on those people that filled out the survey. If you checked off lover, that was kind of a trap. How much would you pay a person to put brulee in a burning building? I would light the building on fire if I knew brulee was in it. Fuck him. You run in just to make sure the door's still closed and the gate's up? Oh, my God. Of course you would do all this stuff

if you knew you weren't going to get hurt. Maybe the fight with another person. I would fight somebody. That would be fun. How about this, though? Four in 10 people would not willingly fight another person to save their four legged friend. That's, that's kind of remarkable. Well, it's kind of, I mean, you got to really paint the picture though.

What's the, what's this situation where you're saving your dog from somebody that you have to fight them? Yeah. I mean, is the person like picking up the dog to steal it i'm assuming it's a woman so i'm with the six i'm gonna fight some karen has picked up my dog because it pooped on her lawn and uh i'm gonna fight her have you ever seen a Karen incident? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Besides hanging out with me. No, of course. I mean, one's not coming to mind specifically, but you've seen people screaming, complaining at customer service or at a ticket window or something like that, of course. I think the development of the concept of karen's has been so effective in this society for stopping people from being assholes now that we've labeled it and kind of like put a fucking put a big red circle around assholes i do think that people

are catching themselves a little bit more before they have outbursts in public. Well, you might not think of it this way, but think how many you've seen. I already know 10 stories off the top of my head of women who have stood up in your audiences and reprimanded you. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. At a comedy show. I'm telling jokes. Right. And they know what they signed up. I mean, how about that in sense of entitlement? Yeah. Right. And you know what it is, is guys, I think learn more and Bill Burr talks about this,

but guys learn more because you're brushed back. Guys are more brushed back if they start being a unnecessarily squeaky wheel or they're fucking things up or they're doing something out of place guys are usually brushed back usually it's a punch in the face or a push or another guy threatening them and uh women haven't had that as much i've had women i've had women get me into fights including diane Fitzgerald, Mary Fitzgerald's sister, who started some shit one time and I almost got into a fight over it. And you then fought Mary. And I fought Mary. What was that incident? It was at a tough bar in South Boston.

Oh, shit. And I walked in with her and she's super hot. She's smoking hot. And so we walked into this bar and there was a bunch of locals and there was a guy that used to date her, I think. And she kind of flaunted. I don't want to I don't want to get into the story, but I ended up having to almost fight this guy. And then luckily his friend came over. He goes, hey, you're great for Simmons.

I saw you at Nick's comedy stop Saturday night, dude, you're fucking awesome. Let me buy you a beer. And I was like, thank you so much. Thank you. I would have let fucking her fighter.

First of all, they're, they're tougher than we are. They are tougher than we are. The Fitzgerald girls are tougher than we are. And also I've never been one like that. It's like, this is your mess. I'm going to, I'm going to, let me, let me never been one like that. It's like, this is your mess.

I'm going to, I'm going to, let me, let me see. Let me see how you get out of this. Yeah. Or into it. Yeah, I think they fought each other. I don't know who would win. I think Diane might be a better fighter than Mary. But they would fight dirty, those bitches.

Yeah. One of them's going to have a knife in their boot. Let's talk about anti-vaxxers. As a growing number of workplaces choose to require their employees to be vaccinated, a cottage industry is springing up anti-vaccine job boards, job seekers, and a small number of workplaces willing to accept unvaccinated employees. Here's what one of the women wrote. I morally oppose the emerging world order of globalized secular liberalism

vying to radically transform our societies into an image of its own, making opposed to Christ our King. So God sends plagues, And I guess as good Christians, you're supposed to allow that plague to kill two thirds of the population. Is that what you're saying? They might agree with that. Yeah, they might agree with that. I mean, that really is what it comes down to, isn't it? That this is a force of God and that science is evil and it's creating, it's creating a world order. Yeah, there is a world order. The order is to stop fucking,

it's to stop disease from wiping out the population. That's the order. Listen, I would hire good God fearing people. Don't get me wrong, but it is, it would cause me to pause. If I had a company and I had to hire people and it's like, what about this person? Like, uh, they seem like a good candidate. There is, you should know something about them. Um, they, you shouldn't bring it up. They believe very, very vividly and to their, to their core that there's an imaginary man in the sky. Yeah. And I'm like, and let's say I'm hiring drivers or pilots. It's not a great, it's not a great thing on the resume. Yeah. And will they do anything? This imaginary person in the sky tells them,

do they sometimes like feel his presence? Yes. Oh, huh. Do they talk to him? Yes. Huh. Okay.

Like, I don't know if this person's driving my bus and they need Sunday. I know I'm offending so many people, but you have to step back and look at it like that. And there's one day of the week they can't work because they have to go to this building where they pay money to consume the body of their God. Yeah. And drink his blood. And they drink his blood.

Yeah. Even symbolically, that's a little intense. It is intense. Yeah. All right. Okay. that's a little intense it is intense yeah all right so i also think you know there's a certain satisfaction and i hate to even admit this because i i was raised catholic and i consider myself a good person but when somebody who has been screaming and yelling about not getting vaccinated gets the COVID-19 and they die from it. I do believe to my core that when they die, Jesus gets a blowjob from Marilyn Monroe in heaven.

You see, I didn't study the Bible as much as you, so I didn't see that in there. as much as you, so I didn't see that in there. Well, you know the old joke. It's a great joke where there's a huge flood and they go to a guy's house. Like, we have to evacuate. You know, they drive up and he's like, nope, I'm staying here in my home. I've lived here my whole life

and the river won't come and take me away. And he leaves. And then the flood water rises, boat comes up. They're like, come on. He says the same thing. Now it's in his living room. He's on the second floor of his house. Helicopter comes with the loud horn.

They send down a rope. He says the same thing. No, he dies. River takes his whole house away, but he's in heaven. And he goes up to God and God's there. He's like, God, where were were you i put all my faith in you i sent away and god's like what are you talking about i sent a car a boat a helicopter you idiot that's exactly what this is yeah right god made the vaccine i said it it. Quote from Sunday Papers. God made the vaccine.

If he created man in his likeness and a man made the vaccine, he's sending it to you, asshole. Take it. One of my beautiful creations came up in a boat and tried to save you. Same thing. Let's do some entertainment, Mike.

Okay. There it is. I love what's in the number one slot here. I haven't seen all of it. Because I am like piecemealing it because I want it to last. You don't want to binge watch Love on the Spectrum. Watch one to two episodes at a time. And because at the end of it, it's so rare that you watch something on TV where you actually feel good at the end of it. This isn't like, what's the Korean one we're

going to talk about later? Squid Game. Like Squid Games where at the end of it, you feel like you need to go take a long walk, perhaps take a bath and do something. Like Love on the Spectrum reaffirms the human spirit. It makes me want to be a better person. And I think it really appeals to the comedy community because we've put up so many layers and we're so self-conscious and we're so concerned with what other people think of us. And we're trying to manipulate them into thinking we're funny and liking us.

And this has like none of that. If you don't know the show, it's about people that have intellectual disabilities that are trying to find love and they're doing it in a way that is so straightforward and so brave they are brave because they can't keep conversations going it's part of their their their you know uh shortcoming is that they can't um ask questions that aren't that aren't closed out like yesterday. They have this coach that comes in and says, ask why, ask how, ask questions that elicit longer responses and not yes or no answers. Because there's this one woman, and she's extremely high functioning.

I mean, you literally wouldn't even know she was on the spectrum, except that then if there's a silence and she gets stuck, she had a complete panic attack. Oh, I know. There are intensely, I mean, I'm squirming. Are you not squirming watching? I'm squirming. There's such awkward moments and you are so rooting for Yeah. It's really hard to watch, but all of it is good. And it really is like, I don't know what it is about watching people with intellectual disabilities, but I remember watching Rain Man in the theater and I started crying and I left the movie early. I couldn't take how Tom Cruise was treating Dustin Hoffman.

It affected me so much. Wow. And I've always worked with people with special needs. Like in high school, I did one day a week, we used to go to a home for, I don't know, in 1983, what you called people with intellectual disabilities. But we hung out with them every- I have a couple of guesses.

At lunch every Wednesday, we would go hang out with them every, I have a couple of guesses at lunch. Every Wednesday, we would go hang out with them at the home. And then I work a lot with best buddies now. And, uh, and we go out sometimes and like me, Aaron and the kids, we'll take a few of the buddies bowling and you just spend a few hours with them. And this is one guy that we always take. And he is, uh, a sports fanatic and he always wears sports jerseys and he he's like rain man he knows every statistic you can talk to him about sports all day but then

if you bring up something else there's just he can't he can't go there and um but the joy that you feel at the end of the day you'd think it would be draining everybody thinks that like hanging out with people with disabilities would be draining. It's the opposite. You're like on cloud nine for like three days because you see people that are just so, they don't have sarcasm. They don't have cynicism. They're just pure joy. It's amazing.

You also win a lot of money off them bowling. So that feels good too. Oh my God, yeah. Especially when you keep changing the rules. And the scores, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Mark, high score loses. I thought we made that clear.

Yeah, this is like golf. It's very much like golf. He's all bummed out, yeah. So you didn't finish it yet or did you? No, I'm savoring it. I think I've seen four. Yeah. I think I've seen four as well.

And go back and watch the first season if you haven't already started this because it's sequential. Definitely watch the first season first because especially to get to know Michael. And then it's been great because like in episode four or something, like someone came back that they, they, no, they put two people together. One from series two, one from series one.

Yeah. Maybe you haven't gotten there yet, but I don't, I don't think, I don't think you could spoil this show in any way. It's so great. All right. Let's talk about squid game.

I've only seen half of one episode. Okay. This is where I wish koreans were a little less hard working um it's the slowest fucking show ever but it is like a decadent dessert so the set design is incredibly cool And they had some real artists working on this. So the premise of this game, which I'm not spoiling anything, it's in episode one, is a bunch of people who are down on their luck, literally, are picked up. And this premise has existed before in other things.

And they've been picked up and offered, here's, do you want to play for some money? It's going to be this elaborate game, and it's twisted. And that's all I'll say. But it's a group of, I don't know, about like 300 go in or something? You probably know. I haven't even gotten that far. I just watched a guy stealing money from his fucking wife or whoever and gambling it away. And I thought,

I know where this goes. It doesn't get better for this guy. And I'm already bummed out. Oh, no, no. I took a flyer on it. Okay. So that's exactly a good example of Okay, so that's exactly a good example of anytime it's not one of these wild games of chance, it's so slow. Like, they didn't understand, like, we get the meaning of their relationship, and then you've done enough, like, where that'll be paid off later that, like, this is the nice old man or whatever. It's really slow, but I can't believe you didn't make it to the first game. No, we're going to watch a few.

I'm going to watch a few tonight, maybe. I'm going to go watch the James Bond movie tonight with the wife. Go to the movie theater. A lot of people are using that as their return to theaters. It's our first one coming back. Huh. Yeah. I did Anthony Bourdain.

It was a little less heroic key just wrote all voluntary next to squid game i don't know if she's writing more well just that the people are enforced to do it okay i think that's a key plot so to speak plot point that they're um you know they, but how they're gambling addicts, which is also an episode one and you've already seen it. So, uh, some of them didn't have much of a choice, right? Key is the slowest typist I've ever seen in my life. Is she, are you using one finger? That's why they call her key. That's her nickname. She hits one key at a time. Her keyboard is usually editing commands.

It's not normally letters. Okay. There are some really good movies coming down the pike. James Bond is kicking it off, but it's Oscar season. So did you see the trailer by, I think it's Joel Coen of the Coen Brothers, The Tragedy of Macbeth? No. It is gorgeous.

Is it literally Macbeth? It's their take on Macbeth? Yes. That's amazing. And I don't know if it's a they. I don't know the deal, but it's this stark black and white. Denzel Washington's in it. It's beautiful. Wow.

But there, but there's a lot of movies creating a lot of buzz. What's his name's movies coming out that everyone wants to see with Bill Murray and everybody. Yeah. This is the time of the year where all the Oscar movies come out. Yeah. The Muhammad Ali documentary came out and I'm shocked.

I haven't watched it yet. Yeah. The Muhammad Ali documentary came out, and I'm shocked I haven't watched it yet. Yeah, I heard it's amazing. And I heard the 30 for 30 on the 86 Mets Red Sox is obviously amazing. Didn't I thought Judd Apatow already did that like 10 years ago? Oh, I don't know. It must be a new one. That's one of those that would really intimidate me because, you know, how I view, I've told you how I view documentaries. Sometimes it's like the documentary wasn't that great, but the story was incredible.

Right. Well, this, like, only the documentary can blow the World Series in 1986. Yeah. If you just replayed it, it has all the drama. It's hard to top. If you just replayed it, it has all the drama. It's hard to top. That would be such a fun thing to do is get a bunch of Mets fans together. And I grew up a Mets fan.

And I'm sure you can find them and watch the seven games. Yeah. I don't think you'd get any Boston fans together in that group. Well, you know, people forget it was, you know, that was, they didn't win it, man. Then they were losing in game seven after that, the Mets, I think. But that was the famous game six. I mean, like, I think it was like 22 two-strike, two-out pitches. I think that's too many twos.

That's too convenient. But I'm telling you it's close to that. Just Mookie Wilson's at bat. He was like, I am just not going to strike out. So he would just, I can't even guess how many foul balls Mookie Wilson had. Six? I mean, it was unbelievable. I think the record is 16.

And guess who hit 16 foul balls? I don't know. Babe Ruth. Seriously? Had the record for the most foul balls, and I believe it was 16. Somebody will correct us in the corrections section, but at one point he had the record. All right, let's move over to Chappelle.

So let's talk about Chappelle. So Chappelle, first of all he yeah like you said he played on wednesday and i was supposed to do a show and uh it was it's this thing called the comedy van or something and they they emailed me in the afternoon they were like shows canceled and and i had two other shows that night on wednesday Clubs were half empty. Everybody was at fucking Chappelle. Thursday. Or Thursday. Everybody was at Chappelle's show at the Hollywood Bowl. Yeah. People really went

after he got in trouble. What do you think about what he's saying about trans people? He's trying to say that trans people are not really trans. You are what you're born to be. And he agrees with J.K. Rawlings. I don't agree that that's what he's saying.

Ah. I think he has, in fact, he talked about how much he respects the community and especially the gay movement and gay, right? Like, it's impressive how fast compared to the hundreds of years that blacks haven't even attained, you know, that. So it's a very complicated issue. Well, that's the thing that a lot of people are not seeing that the, what's really underneath this is that there is, um, resentment that, yeah, that the gay movement has gotten so much more traction as opposed to with the progress made for blacks in this country. Like civil rights for gays has been unbelievably accelerated.

And I think civil rights for African-Americans, you know, helped that immeasurably. And in many ways, I think people could view it as not even as far along as civil rights for homosexuals. And trans community, the whole LBTQ... I can't even say it. L-G-B-T-Q? And there's more letters now, but't even say it. LGBTQ. And there's more letters now, but that's generally it. So this is the thing, though. Oddly, on this incredibly complex issue, I believe the LGBTQ is being overly simplistic.

And I think their reaction is very binary, to use a carefully chosen word. And I think they are either seeing Chappelle, they're not looking at any of the nuance, they're not looking at where he's coming from, they're not looking at a lot of the respect he also has for it. And I think Chappelle was just saying,

and I think some of it's semantic. I'm not going to get this right. I'm not pretending to be an authority on this by any means. But I think some of it's semantic because Chappelle's like, basically, are you saying there's nothing we can agree on? In other words, are you saying that men, so he didn't use the word biological, but one of his thing is everyone walking the earth came out of a woman. And immediately a bazillion flags go up.

But it's like, can you make an effort to understand what he's fucking saying? You don't agree with it because he used the word woman. Because you are changing the definition of woman and that's fine but please understand what he's saying so he they'd be perfectly fine with what he's saying if he said biological woman and by the way i probably have that phrase wrong but you know what i mean yeah he'd have to clarify what type of woman right and i think chapelle's like hey hey maybe we still accept woman i guess i think what's tough maybe well like couldn't female be another again i don't know

i think what's tough is that you know know, with comedy, people go, well, this is just comedy. You know, you can't take this seriously. But then other people say, yeah, but he's sort of becoming a spokesperson of sorts. And he's somebody that has put out specials that were not comedic, that were, you know, monologues, that were social commentary, and that there isn't the same kind of forgiveness in that it's satire. Because I remember with Don Imus, the radio guy in New York, he always fucked around, fart noises, racist jokes, and it was all fine because it was light and it was funny. And then he started to like, like he had politicians come on and announce their candidacies that they were running.

He had serious political things happening. And then he called the Rutgers, New Jersey, the Rutgers women's basketball team, nappy headed hoes. And his career literally ended in three words. And he might have gotten away with that if he hadn't changed the context of who he was in the media. Dennis Miller, a little bit of the same trajectory, I think. Yeah. I mean, not totally canceled.

I'm not saying that. But he got more and more serious. And I have to say, all right, now my just my take on chapelle i think this was the least funny of his specials although maybe the one in the club i can't remember that but i know when he was talking about louie and stuff but and personally i wish he hadn't gone there again as much like it seems like he's beating a dead horse. I don't know how much was totally new that like he hadn't said in a different way before. I might have that wrong. I mean, he did tell us a personal story of someone he knew, but he's done that before also with a

different person. So anyway, I think it was a different, a different trans person, but, um, person. So anyway, I think it was a different, a different trans person. But, um, I just think like, let it go. These people obviously are not having a sense of humor about this at all. Also though, like the LGBTQ, they already called for boycotts of them and everything. Why are they cheating on their boycott? Why are they watching them? Right. Why are they, why are they giving him all this attention? Yeah. Well, because— Ignore it. You guys were the only ones talking about it. If they had ignored it, everyone would have been like,

wow, Chappelle really can't let that go. Like he did another hour on that issue practically. Well, this is what, you know, Bill Maher is talking about. He gets very upset with, you know, with the issues that are being put on the table by the left because it's making it too easy for the right to marginalize what's going on with the Democrats. Like this guy, Greg Gutfeld, has a show on Fox. He's the biggest fucking idiot in the world. It is a late night comedy show and I watched it because I got this one guy

on, I forward you the messages, but this one guy is constantly writing in to me about how I gotta watch Greg Gutfeld. He's beating Kimmel in the ratings. He's beating Colbert in the ratings. It's so funny. I turned it on. I watched two episodes just so that I couldn't say it was bad

after one of them. I watched two episodes. I don't think Greg Gutfeld has a funny bone in his body. And I don't believe the show is even trying to be funny. I happen to know three of the writers and they're funny comedians. I don't see where they're even count the number of jokes in the show. I don't get it. He's also really to me. Anytime I've seen him really, really stupid, which I don't get it. He's also really, to me, anytime I've seen him, really, really stupid, which I do not throw around with a lot of the people who are high up on the right. I think they're actually like evilly smart and very shrewd and have big brains

that can out-argue me on what I feel are their misguided policies. So I don't call a lot of the right stupid. No, and don't get me wrong. I also find some people on the right to be fucking hilarious. You know, Nick DiPaolo cracks me up. I remember, you know, even Dennis Miller can make me laugh, but this guy is not a comedian. He is boring. The show is boring. And

I don't get it. I don't understand how they're beating the other late night shows, except does Fox, does their ratings just beat Colbert anyway? Would an average Fox show, Fox News show be beating Kimmel? Ratings,

listen, I was on Craig Kilbourne, which got trounced by Conan every night. And there are ways CBS could twist it. Picking the certain demo, picking a certain like time within the hour or whatever it is. But like what time is Gutfeld? Is he on at the exact same time as Colbert? There's a million questions. Yeah, no, but they did say he's got like that 25 to 39-year-old male demographic, like the one that everybody wants, he seems to have.

So you can't argue with the numbers, but man— No, I can. I can definitely argue with the numbers, I bet. All right. Well, let's look into it more. Anyway, sometimes, you know, the shows will repeat at like 1 in the morning, and then they add that to it. Right. There's different ways to do it. Is there time-shifted viewing? You know, the shows will repeat at like one in the morning and then they add that to it. There's different ways to do it. Is there time shifted viewing?

You know, whatever. So I turn on Fox News a lot, especially when there's big news or something going on. Because like, you know, the echo chamber, I'm not going to learn anything from MSNBC and those idiots. So anyway, I turned on Fox News when the George Floyd, the verdict came in with the police officer. Gutfeld was on and the whole panel, I'd say there's four other people, including him, are all chatting away. They all distanced themselves from him and reprimanded him. He said, and I quote, you know what? I'm glad he was found guilty on all charges. That's fine.

Talking about the cop that killed George Floyd? Yes. Yeah. But that wasn't the end of the sentence. I'm glad he was found guilty on all charges, even if he might not be. My neighborhood was looted. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Oh my God. But he also brought up that he was happy he was on all charges even if because it was a message being sent and he thought he was being like you know thoughtful and like i don't like almost almost like contextualizing their struggle. And then this is one for the team. And everyone was like, and in fact, one of the people then that came on, one of the talking heads was like,

is he off his meds? And then Gutfeld went crazy. He's like, what'd you say? Excuse me. What did he say that I'm off my meds? And yeah, it was,

it was a scene. Yeah. He's a, he's a fucking idiot he's an idiot yeah speaking of idiots let's do some florida man yeah well this is not here we go this is not uh meanwhile we're accusing people of not being funny. I don't think I've been funny in fucking 50 minutes. All right. And this isn't funny, but I was searching for Florida stories. I couldn't find any, but, uh, school shootings are not the problem this week in Florida.

Another South Florida teacher is arrested and accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a student. Doral, Florida teacher is behind bars after facing accusations of having an inappropriate relationship with a 15-year-old student. The report says they found nude pictures of the defendant and the victim, which was later confirmed by the victim. A WhatsApp message thread where both the victim and the defendant text each other, I love you, and express the passion for their romantic relationship. Then on Tuesday, 31-year-old Brittany Lopez-Murray, a second teacher, oh, a second teacher, God, I thought I was going to say a second grade teacher. A second teacher bonded out of the Miami-Dade County Jail. She was arrested Monday after investigators learned she was having sex with a 14-year-old boy. 14. According to the U.S.

report- But you remember Zach Galifianakis' joke. He said, did you hear about that 14-year-old boy that was having sex with his teacher? He just died. He got high-fived to death. The drama teacher with the 14-year-old not only engaged in sexual text messages with the teen, she also had sex with the student multiple times in her Jeep in various parking lots. There's a commercial ad for Jeep. That's better than the Springsteen Jeep ad during the Super Bowl. Right. Then there was an arrest of the 36-year-old.

Uh-oh. Not as fun anymore when it's a man. Daniel Fernandez. He's a teacher at Renaissance Middle. Oh, it's a charter school. Police say he was sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl in the 8th grade. According to his arrest report, the victim said during 2020 school year,

on multiple occasions, Fernandez would kiss her on the lips and fondle her over her clothes. And that's Florida. That's not a lot of clothes. Not a lot of clothes. Well, we were talking on the golf course yesterday about that Who song, 515, from Quadrophenia.

Da-na-na-na-na. Ba-na-na-na-na-na. And the lyrics are, girls of 15, sexually knowing. It's basically the song, from what I remember, it's the guy is on a subway and he's and he's fucking high out of his mind and so it's like kind of what he's observing the ushers are sniffing oh de coloning the seats are seductive celibate sitting pretty girls digging prettier women that's awesome. I decided that's going to be my walk-on music when I go on stage from now on.

Well, that's what I said when I saw you guys. I'm like, I just cranked that horn intro. How is that not some wrestler's intro? And then Mikey Fitzgibbon very astutely goes, well, the first line doesn't help it. And I'm like, what? Because it's this giant fanfare horns. And then all of a sudden it's girls of 15 sexually knowing. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. What do you, you know, what's weird is I lost my virginity at 15 to a girl who was 15. And that is just really weird to think in my lifetime I had sex with a 15-year-old girl.

Right. I mean, technically a felony if the father had pressed charges. No, there's little caveats. Which would have been awkward because her father was my uncle. There's little caveats if it's also with a minor. Oh, yeah, the Romeo and Juliet clause, they call it. Oh, so you both have to kill yourself? Yes.

Got it. That's a harsh clause, if you ask me. All right, well, good news story, Mike. Way to go. I think it's really a good funny premise. Child molestation. Florida. Get your act together. Let's go around the world now. Let's leave Florida and go international. You know what I like? The rest of the country is talking about, you know, should kids wear masks in school? Florida, it's a whole other level.

No, it's should kids other level. No, it's just kids who wear condoms in school. They're proving their point. They're like, guys, you're missing the lead. I mean, masks, please. We got bigger fish to fry. All right, what do we got, international? International. Go for it.

Okay. okay a family and an lgbt collective in southeast spain are demanding answers and an apology after a 19 year old gay woman who visited a gynecologist over a menstrual condition was diagnosed with quote homosexuality theity. Nailed it. The woman went into an appointment. Nailed the diagnosis. After being examined, she was given a piece of paper that included the line, current illness, homosexuality. The patient said at first I thought it was funny. Muff diving.

But it just isn't. The World Health Organization removed homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses in 1990. Okay. You put that in this document. And I'm like, wait the fuck up. 1990? So in 89, it was still considered a mental illness. So you're listening to Queen in the 80s.

You're getting some tingles down there watching Freddie Mercury, who famously, by the way, at that point, has a girlfriend. That's the story. Right. And technically at that point, you, sir, are battling a mental illness. Yeah. And you're alone. You, sir, are battling a mental illness. And you're alone. Freddie Mercury isn't even out. Yeah, right.

I mean, if being gay is an illness and you're sick, then why are they always healthier and better dressed? And let's be honest, funnier than us. How is that an illness? I told you, you know, I wrote up a bunch of ideas that I pitched to Larry David, not in person, but for Curb, because he accepts ideas. And one was him just all soft looking at his, you know, boobs and his belly. And he runs into this gay guy at the gym and it's, you know, a stunning specimen. So fit, happy. And he's like, what are you doing? I want to know what you're doing. And it turns out the guy's HIV positive. And he's like, you know what? I'm going to your doctor.

Fuck my doctor. He's getting nowhere. He doesn't give me good health advice. Doesn't give me good nutritional advice. And then Larry David starts taking the HIV cocktail every morning and does the regimen. Like, well, why not? Yeah, that's hilarious. It's crazy. Police in Rio de Janeiro said Wednesday that they found a haul of Nazi memorabilia and weapons worth an estimated three and a half million dollars in the home of a Brazilian man suspected of raping a minor. Just in case, just in case, you know, being a Nazi memorabilia collector wasn't enough. Rio's civil police said they found more than 1,000 items at the home of the 58-year-old, including Nazi uniforms, periodicals, paintings, images of Adolf Hitler,

flags and medals of the Third Reich. Is it Reich? Is it Reich or Reich? Well, you might technically be right, but everyone here says Reich. He is a smart guy and articulate. Rhymes with kike. Ooh. Did I say that?

That's what they said. That's what they said. He is a smart guy and articulate, but he's a Holocaust denier. He's homophobic. He's a pedophile. And he says he hunts homosexuals. Louis Armand, the lead detective, said, I'm no doctor, but he seems to me to be an insane psychopath. I think a doctor might use the exact same terms.

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, this shit is worth a lot of $3.5 million. They said that, like, you know, one of the uniforms was worth, like, $350,000. I'm dumping my Bitcoin and grabbing some of Goebbels' parade dresses. I mean— Well, when they mine, Bitcoin should be shaped like a swastika.

Am I the only one not putting this together? Right. So wait a minute, raping a minor. This is going to sound insensitive. The way I asked this question, is there any other way to have sex with a minor? Well,

you know what I mean? Well, I think it's almost like the, you know, in certain States it's abortion is illegal illegal except in the case of rape or incest. Like, I love that in the Deep South there's a distinction between rape and incest. Like, in some cases, like, oh, no. No, my uncle, he's good.

He's sexy. He's a good guy. Well, I don't think they're talking about that incest. I think it's like first cousins and stuff. Maybe, I don't know, but I don't think there's any way to have sex with a minor where it's not called rape was my point. But I like this guys.

This is what you do. If you're going to rape minors, right? You should get a lot of Nazi memorabilia. Cause when they kick in the door and they and all they're talking about is rape, look what happened to the lead story here. The rape was buried at the bottom of paragraph one. The lead is all the swastikas this guy has all over his house. Right, right.

He's like, look over here. Look over here. Pull out a gun and start shooting at an oil pipeline. Look over here. Look over here. Pull out a gun and start shooting at an oil pipeline. We were going to talk to this guy, Chris Sakosha, the guy who goes by Chris Sky. Remember last week?

He's the Canadian guy. I do remember that. He gave out his phone number, 416-400-9994, and he said for people to stop calling him. He's an anti-vaxxer and uh if you want to email him it's chrissky83 at gmail.com so we went back and forth this week but i guess he's on some kind of a he's at some big rally today in canada so we couldn't come on but then i had a bunch of people write in that were like you know don't bring this guy on um yeah uh what did this guy say um hey it's chris guy everybody's telling oh and i told people to call him and tell him to do the show so he called me and he texted me and he goes it's chris guy everybody's telling me to

do your show and uh but then this guy uh kareem samani said, the anti-vaxxer you're thinking about interviewing on Sunday Papers is one of those douchebags that goes around harassing people, severs, harassing severs, who are just trying to follow public health guidelines. He's a bit of a nightmare in Canada. Please don't give him any more exposure. And then Lydia Michaels said, so I hit up anti-vax Canadian dude, and he said to call again because he has 1,000 hot milfs hitting up his phone and offering to buy him 12-inch sandwiches from Subway. So, yeah, this is one of the people that reached out to him. Well, hot milf is redundant, but what does that have to do with it?

Are we bringing him on the show or no? Should we let this die? I think we let it die. Yeah. All right. See you, Chris. I think so. Yeah.

Feel free to call him and tell him he's an asshole, though. A lot of people are calling. Okay. Sports. All right. Last week in our ongoing bet, I have Tampa Bay giving the points every week at 50 bucks a pop. I'm now down $100 because last week, Tampa Bay, what a fucking game against New England. They won 19-17, did not cover the seven-point spread.

I mean, what, a few seconds left? Long field goal in the driving rain. It was a good... I thought it was going through it was so long like 90 percent of the ball's journey um 90 percent of the ball's journey i'm like that's good and then donk and audible loud clang as it hit the uprights and did not go in. And then the shot of Bill Belichick, the despair. I mean, he wanted to beat Brady so fucking bad. And they did. They beat him.

They beat him. They lost the game, but they beat Brady. That was a hell of an effort by New England. Sports guys are going to have to just tolerate my sort of newbie-ish thing. But, likeb and he's from alabama i guess that qb for new england was wildly impressive i believe he's a rookie too isn't he he is a rookie yeah but he like had one of those smiles on his face like hey let's have fun it's like yeah dude you are cool as a cucumber what was his name mur Murphy or no? I forget. Boy, he was

incredibly impressive. Especially against that Tampa Bay defensive line. I mean, they just push over people. He's constantly under pressure. No, he was out of the pocket a lot. He had to really move back there. He couldn't stand still.

But this week, I'm definitely taking 50 back from you because they're playing Miami at home. They're giving 10 points. Doesn't matter. It's going to be a blowout. Florida rivalry. Right. Oh, let's do some science.

You saw what the story was and you wanted to see it. According to researchers at Harvard University, men should ejaculate at least 21 times a month in order to mitigate their prostate cancer risk. Hold on one second. That's why I was late today. For the study, 31,000 men provided their average monthly ejaculation frequencies. From that, research found that men who ejaculate more frequently slashed their chances of developing prostate cancer by a third.

Ejaculating more frequently has also been found to dramatically reduce feelings of stress and anxiety. This should be in the no shit section. This should be in the no shit section. Yeah. But also, the study was done at Harvard. You know, those kids are busy studying. Do one at Arizona State University. Those kids would be jerking off during filling out the questionnaire.

Yeah. Study found that students who jerk off 64 times a month have, it's like, we have no other data to work with. The mean was 58. Yeah, that's a lot. How many times a month what did they say 21 times a month i'm not great at math but does that mean it's less than once a day because how did they find these guys yeah i sometimes will go for a long period without doing it, without masturbating. Now, I find it gives me more energy. I find that when I jerk off, I fucking lose all my drive. Well, that's what this study talks about.

Oh, yeah. It says also that in addition to increased feelings of pain, secretion of endorphins leads to feelings of euphoria, modulation of appetite, the release of sex hormones, and enhancement of the immune response. Jesus, it's really good for you. I have not been sick in six years. Also, when you ejaculate, your body releases hormones like prolactin and oxytocin, which make you drowsy and ready for a well-earned rest. Which brings me to my comedic premise, which I like. I don't think it's creepy.

Is it so creepy to have the idea of drugging women after sex? I think it's not that bad of an idea. Everyone wants to go to sleep. All right. This day in history. All right. This day in Dover, Delaware. It was one of the first of many such incidents in which African diplomats were confronted with racial segregation in the United States. Matters continued to deteriorate during the 60s when

dozens of diplomats from new nations in Africa and Asia faced housing discrimination in D.C., Wow. I never thought about that. I never heard about it. I mean, it makes perfect sense. I mean, in the 50s and 60s, there was still Jim Crow laws. There was still people that were categorically being denied service because of their skin color. And Africans were coming over and going like, what the fuck? Oh, man, you're going, I mean, D.C. is Virginia and Maryland.

Are you kidding me? Right, right. Of course.C. is Virginia and Maryland. Right. Are you kidding me? Right. Right. Of course. Yeah. So Dwight had to apologize. And I believe Dwight D. Eisenhower was a racist. Well, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who's not defined as such in today's terms. Yeah.

I mean, listen. Key, will you look that up? Will you look up if Dwight D. Eisenhower was a racist? But I mean, listen, he oversaw incredibly racist policies. I mean, isn't that enough? Yeah. He was pre-civil rights. Right.

Right. I don't know if he blocked it. Eisenhower surprises me. Totally, totally separate from the racial issue. He really, though, you know, his criticisms of America very much, you know, aligned democratic now, I would say. find democratic now, I would say. And, um, and especially that belief in the middle class and, you know, that it is, we're a community, you know, it wasn't until Reagan who was like, Hey, everybody be selfish. It's your God given American right to be selfish. So, uh, that, that shit didn't start yet till then. Actually there was waves of it before, but the one that we're currently living in began with Reagan. Yeah.

Alright, let's go down to letters to the editor. Man, we got a lot of mail. The mail bag is full this week. Oh, boy. This message is from Mike. Mike, I love you more than Joanne loves you guys. This is just a fan message

writing to you about your reflux and heartburn. Oh, yeah. If you have an endoscopy and testing done, thank goodness. If you have not, please do ASAP. There are two types of reflux. One is silent. This affects your vocal cords, which is what you have. Yep. It seems you may have this. I definitely have silent. I've been diagnosed. It's an endoscopy, Greg. It seems you may have this. I definitely have silent. I've been diagnosed. It's an endoscopy, Greg. It's an endoscopy. And yes, I had one recently. They, when I was going in for my colonoscopy, I asked if they could put me on a rotisserie and check both ends. And that's exactly what they did. I'm like, listen, if I'm knocked out, can you check upstairs as well?

And that's what they did. Yeah. So I was on a spit. So you have been checked. You're not in danger of esophageal cancer. I think I should have it checked, you know, not an endoscopy every year, but I should definitely have regular checkups. This ear, nose, and throat doctor is able to put a camera down my throat. It's not totally the same thing. It's not as invasive,

obviously. So I really do have to keep an eye on it. I'd have to quit coffee too. That doesn't help me. Well, this is from Elizabeth Brown and she says uh esophageal cancer runs in my family i've already lost my dad and my cousin we can't lose mike too shit uh bruce baber says pink floyd is a whale penis the groups the groups i didn't know that did you know that no but that's not where they got their name but go ahead the group steely Dan took its name from a large chrome dildo, and the group 10cc got its name because that's the average amount of sperm a man secretes during ejaculation. Not if you're doing it 29 times a month.

That's what I was going to say. It's more like 4ccs. If you're north of 21 times a month, it's not going to be 10cc. FYI, you guys are killing it. Bruce Baber. You ever hear that expression that, you know, you've got, you've quote unquote I'm talking to when you go on those rampages where you're like in your fifth session of the day, you know, especially back when we were younger, but where you're really spiraling out,

but guys would call it shooting ghosts. The last, the last times you get to completion? Don Gilroy says, on our return flight from Denver to Philadelphia, this lady in first class did a yoga session in the aisle. She walked the plane barefoot, including her trips to the bathroom. I tried to get a nice down yoga ass shot, but I couldn't get my phone out quick enough. He sent a picture. She was actually pretty hot. Wow. Yeah. What do you do in that case? It's like, I don't like seeing feet on an airplane. I love it. I don't like when people get overly comfortable,

but I'm trying to think of the right way. I mean, other than of course, the natural instinct to shame them in a funny way. I don't like, I don't like male feet. I don't want to see some men's feet. I don't want men wearing flip flops. Oh, that's right. Look who I'm talking to. I forgot. But you, you, you put a nice pair of female feet in the aisle.

That'll, that'll get me through the flight. I mean, like if you're in the next, if you're in a chair and she's doing downward dog, right? And her ass is right here. Yeah. I mean, you know, obviously you don't do the thing. I never occurs to me as the obvious, which is ma'am, can you please, you're putting your butt in the air. It's right. You know, she could say when I'm walking by my butts basically in the same place. Uh, but I guess then, you know, I would, I would be like, ma'am, if I may, you have a very nice butt.

And I would just say that till she stopped. Yeah. I mean, look, I've watched a lot of nature shows. She's presenting. In nature, that's presenting. And so whatever happens after that, I mean, I don't know if she's spraying. She could be spraying. Can you put a mask on that? I mean, I can see your lips.

All right. By the way, I love yoga pants I really do I mean what a great invention they look good on you thank you this is about music

from Stanford F. Blade who's a PhD he's a professor and dean at the University of Alberta and he said love the show you discussed how we know said, uh, love the show. You discussed how we know every detail about music in the seventies and eighties.

Absolutely agree with Greg that reading every article in Rolling Stone helped was waiting for you to cite the knowledge dropped by radio DJs. I can't believe we didn't bring that up. Good point. As a kid growing up in the seventies on a Canadian dairy farm, I listened to a cool public FM station where the announcers shared their knowledge of blues, folk, rock, soul, and everything elsewhere.

I discovered Marley and the Wailers, Early Dylan, Fila Kuti, Neil Young, and so many more. So yeah, in New York, it was obviously the famous Scott Muni, who was one of the most influential rock DJs of all time. WPLJ? Was he on PLJ? WNEW. Oh, okay.

But there was Scott St. John. And who was the woman who was at night on WNEW? I forget. They called her the Nightbird. But, yeah, they used to drop Dave... They used to drop serious knowledge between songs. They talked. And there's a station on SiriusXM called...

Deep Cuts. And they do a lot of talking on that. And they have really great djs yeah they'll talk about cream and uh you know they'll go into like yeah like derrick and the dominoes they'll play tracks that are like deeper on the album obviously but yeah no that's a good that's a very good point um and documentaries too now you know you didn't have as as many rock documentaries then at all or you weren't making nearly as many right fellas but we were talking about that curiosity like for instance i watched the documentary on rush which was great i'm not a rush fan yeah but i heard it's really

interesting music documentary on a very accomplished band. And so I just don't see that interest today, like of people, you know, looking at something that may not exactly be their thing, but it informs them. Right. And you see all the influences, blah, blah, blah. Fellas love the show, especially loved last week's segment on Dog the Bounty Hunter, a.k.a. God's Gift from Florida. Much better than the audio tape, though, is the apology tour the racist hairball went on after the tape became public.

Okay, so wait. So people know, maybe you didn't hear last week, I read this taped recording of him being incredibly generous with his use of the N-word. And so this guy's referring to that. So better than the audio tape was his apology tour after getting in trouble go ahead he did an interview on Larry King where he informed Larry that he had

arranged to be buried near slaves as some sort of warped me a culpa that's fantastic I don't know about you but if I'm the descendant of a slave I don't want that piece of shit anywhere near my relatives so also I want to be hanged from trees I'm the descendant of a slave. I don't want that piece of shit anywhere near my relatives. So, uh,

also I want to be hanged from trees where they commonly hanged these pure poor people. Yes. I want you, when you take me to the cemetery, drag my corpse behind a wagon with chains. Um, that's from Mike McCormick.

Um, that is the most twisted mea culpa. Hey, I don't want to do much now, but after I'm no longer here, I want to do something. Can you bury me? That's crazy. All right, let's do some funnies. Let's do some Sunday funnies. Did you put a family circus in there?

I don't see it. Hold on. Oh, what do you mean? You know why you didn't see it? I put it in earlier. It was in there. Why do I have so many blondes? Today's family circus was particularly infuriating.

Can you see the comic I just put in? I just put in a Lockhorns. Oh, you can? Yeah. That's so weird. I can't see it. And then I'll put in a Blondie. I can't see so good.

I don't see so good, God damn it. So the Lockhorns, kind of not a great week for them, but there was one funny one. It's not a great week for me. I apologize to people. I told you up front I didn't want to complain about being tired, but

it's more than tired. I'm just slow and a little bit of malaise. Leroy says to Loretta, I know Loretta says to Leroy, well, I see our bank account is half full. All right. Okay.

And then Leroy's talking to a guy at a cocktail party. Loretta's on the couch boring some people with some talk. And he goes, all hurricanes should be named after my wife.

Look at the black woman, though, in the background. What color is the black woman? in the background. What color is the black woman? She is a olive. She's olive. She's olive green. What the fuck? There's actually a name for that green. I can't think of it. There's a name for it, but it's like a, it's, it's, yeah, it's a muted olive. It's almost like an army fatigue green that really is army color yeah wow jesus uh and then um i couldn't find a good hacker i had a rough time finding good comics this week um all right you wanted you want to do a family circus? I don't. But here you go.

So you're not seeing it, or are you now? I can't see it. Perfect. So they're at a cemetery, right? And they have their clothes on. It looks kind of like fall, which has nothing to do with anything. And it's just the mom and the little blonde kid. And the blonde kid's looking up at her,

and there's lots of headstones behind them in the background. And he says, grandma's right. There are lots of people dying to get to heaven. Come on, Mike. They made a joke. It's a hard joke.

It ain't a good joke. It's not funny. They did not make that joke. They stole the joke it ain't a good joke it's not funny they did not make that joke usually stealing is not the problem because they don't do jokes right and then this one like that's the oldest like kids in the car you drive by a cemetery I bet a lot of people are dying to get in there. Like, it's just, it has to be one of the most common jokes of all time. Yeah. Right. Right. And he puts it in there. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, that's a knock-knock joke. That's at that level. I'm also not... Is Grandma dead?

Yeah, Grandma's dead. They always do little stories about Grandma being dead. Oh, they do? Yeah. Well, so did the ghost say this to him? I don't know. it's very it's weird on every level yeah grandma's right well right when when before she died she said that to you i guess yeah wow um let's do a little blondie because dagwood this week look at this fucking stud dagwood the stud laying back in the blue chair, reading the paper with his feet up. And Blondie, who's living this suburban life of fucking malaise. She is.

That's my worst. She's got on a green sweater. Her legs are crossed. Pretty ankles. She's got beautiful ankles. I don't talk enough about her ankles. And she says, honey, do you ever wish you had proposed to that attractive margot bardot instead of me and then dagwood whose instinct should immediately be you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me i'm a zero and without you i would probably

kill myself he says margot was was not attractive, dear. Margot Bardot was stunning. He takes a fucking dagger and puts it in her back. Wow. And then he says, sweetheart, darling, for what it's worth, I'm reading the comics and thought it would be a funny response. And she goes, better stick to the sports, dear. Huh?

Yeah. She shut him the fuck down. But she stays in the house. She stays in the marriage. Go find Margot Bardot. I want to see a comic strip with Margot Bardot in it. She's probably fucking fat. You know, something did occur to me that we could call back the airline yoga story yeah if you saw blondie doing yoga in the aisle right by your seat yeah no comment right all right

it's so funny how we go from like let's say it was an incredibly impressive attractive woman doing yoga no one would say anything so but then it's like all right well a less attractive woman you're just going to be silently disappointed no you're going to find ways to tell her to stop right right that's pretty funny actually i'm trying to find snide comments so this spectacle will stop. It's intolerable. But it's desirable if the woman I find more attractive. Yeah. Now, I like the chaos.

If the woman was fat, I think it's even funnier. I'm bored on a plane. I want something silly to happen. You're right. You're right. There is an unattractive one that also wins its keep. It earns its keep, I guess, is the way I would say it. It's outrageous.

It's outrageous. Yeah, and maybe there's a sense of like they're not pompous or conceited, I guess. My mom used to say, my mom always comes up with money-making ideas, and she goes, you know what the airlines should do? You know what the airlines should do? American Airlines should put like a treadmill back by the bathrooms and you put a quarter in and then you can take a walk while you're flying. OK, so let's get rid of two rows of seats. Let's get rid of six seats for a quarter. Yeah.

How about you just put a trampoline in the bathroom? Why doesn't the whole aisle become a moving, like, you know, like, floor? Yeah, what about a hot tub? A moving treadmill. Yeah. Well, a lot of people do get up. They have to. They're afraid of, like, what are they called? Not aneurysms.

Embolisms? Embolisms, yeah. Yeah, they're afraid of blood clots. Oh, right, right. No, people are instructed, like, dude, after an hour and a half, you got to get up and walk around. Speaking of getting up and walking around, it's time to end the podcast, Mike.

I have no plan for today. You have more structure in your life. Like Olivia's not here this week. When there's nothing, I've really got to have a plan the night before. Otherwise, why am I getting out of bed? Right. Now, I just read this thing about before you go to bed at night, you should sit down.

If you want to sleep well, do some deep breathing, four count in, four count out, and do that for a few minutes. And then think about three things in the day that you accomplished. And then think about three things tomorrow that you want to accomplish and then go to bed. Wait, what did you say? That goes for the whole podcast. I think you just summed up this whole podcast. It worked. Whatever you said, I went out after the fourth exhale, the fourth second exhale. No, I'll figure it out. I don't know what I'm going to do. Don't forget, people, get your Raycon noise canceling earbuds right now. Do you say earbuds? Is that what we call them?

Anyway, 15% off. Go to Raycon.com slash papers. Also, get yourself some delicious Munn Pack Kato snacks. Go to Munn Pack. Maybe Kato. What did I say? Kato? Mm-hmm.

All right. My little yellow friend. Go to Munk, M-U-N-K, pack.com, and enter code PAPERS for 20% off. Also, the mugs, get your mug now, pre-order them, get them before Christmas. Available on the website. I'm very interested to see the demand. Hey, you know what we should have said up top? What?

It's all just a vote of of like, you like the show. Cause maybe we could pay off some of our bills and stuff, you know, if the, if the mug sales are good and we don't charge. And so this is a way that you get something back for supporting us. Right. And,

and again, it's something that you're going to feel good about whenever you see it. So pick it up for a loved one. Maybe your, maybe your wife, maybe buy it for yourself for Christmas. Why the hell not? Keep pencils in it.

Yeah. Keep your pennies in it. Right. Um, okay. We'll see you guys next week. Thank you to key for being on the doc this week, helping us out,

producing the show and, everybody at mid coast media, Chris Denman and, um, um, and, um, oh, wow. We're're ending strong why am i forgetting her name who oh erin your wife no our producer what at midcoast media beth hoops oh beth hoops i just had a total brain fart um all right i have that i have that all the time lately all right so maybe let's hit the range uh

either today or tomorrow and then we're going to uh james bond if you want to come tonight let me know that's america's big return to the theater yep i don't know it doesn't even matter if it's good right it's an event no i think it is good i think it's very good it's an event and it's good i did like the last one you know know, where age was an issue. I loved, it was a great, I loved every Bond movie he made. I'd put them all in the top 10. He did five and I'd put those five in the top 10. Wow.

Yep. Sounds good. All right. We'll figure it out. All right. We'll talk to you later. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Sunday papers Read all about it Dad would What is wrong with you Yes, read all About it Cartoon Greg Would fuck him up

I'm pretty sure Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. The Sunday papers. Florida May. Take it easy.