Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 85 10/17/21

Episode Date: October 17, 2021

Hannah Gadsby weighs in on Chappelle, but Ted Sarandos holds his ground. A California woman throws sex parties for teenagers and Lindsey Graham is jealous of the Gucci bags Brazilian immigrants are bringing across the border. BTW Jonah Hill is not interested on what you think of his weight.   

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday Come on and read all about it Come on and read all about it I can hear you. Can you hear me? Yes. Oh, that's wonderful. All right. All right.

Read. What? Hear ye, hear ye. Oh. Read ye all about it. Hot news. Jesus. Are ye all about it. Hot news. Jesus. Are we talking about Chappelle?

Fuck yeah, we're talking about Chappelle. We're talking about a lot of stuff. We got a good podcast on paper, I think. Yeah, we got a lot of good topics. I'm excited to get into some of them. And it's only Friday. Yeah, we're taping a little early this week. Peek behind the curtain.

Peek behind the curtain. Friday. Yeah, we're taping a little early this week. Peek behind the curtain. If Mel Brooks dies on Saturday, it will not be... I shouldn't say that. I just cursed Mel Brooks. I can't believe you just said that.

His son lives across the street from me. Did you know that? Oh, boy, that's loud. I'm doing my levels here. I'm going to try to talk lower because my voice is... I got to take care of my voice. Yes, I, I know he does. I told you once, uh, on your block, I went by, I saw him pulling up. Right. Yeah. And then, uh, Olivia is there with me. And I just, I just said across the street, cause I don't normally like doing this. I'm like, hi, Mr. Brooks. And he waved and I'm like, oh, I had just seen him. I go, I saw you Tuesday at the young, at the, um, blazing saddle screening, the one that he had a

blazing saddle screening downtown. And I just want to thank you. I'm a comedy writer. And I think you had a, you had a hand in that and all that. And I go, and I just wanted, it was shorter than this, but I go, this is my daughter, Olivia. And I just want her to, you know, wave to greatness or something like that. And he just, he just big smile. And he goes, Olivia, and I just want her to, you know, wave to greatness or something like that. And he just he just big smile and he goes, Olivia, your father has very good taste. Yeah. Yeah, he's friendly to everybody. We were it was Halloween one year and I took Owen out and he was probably about maybe 10. And we had been playing backgammon for a while and i was playing a 2000 year old man on vinyl i had the original pressing of the box set of 2000 year old man and me and my dad used

to listen to it all the time and we loved it i memorized it and so i was playing it for owen and he fucking loved it so we're out for halloween He's dressed as a fucking dinosaur or whatever. And then I go, Owen, it's Mel Brooks. And he goes, somebody dressed up as Mel Brooks? I go, no, asshole. It's Mel Brooks. You stupid dinosaur. That's the real. So he turns around and I go, Mr. Brooks, I got to tell you what an honor it is to meet you.

My son loves the 2000 year old man. And he goes, he goes, oh yeah, kid, what's your favorite part? And he goes, he goes, I'd rather have a rotten, I'd rather have a rotten nectarine than a fresh, what's the joke? It's about, it's about how much you'd rather have a rotten nectarine than a fresh peach or something crazy. And Mel Brooks is like, I can't believe this little kid knows. He goes, he was just very sweet.

We took a picture with him. It's on our mantle. We got a picture of him with Mel Brooks on the mantle. Oh, that's great. Yeah. What a legend. Who's more of a legend than fucking Mel? By the way, I looked up his net worth the other day because I was just wondering what his son's going to inherit someday.

Guess how much he's worth. You can't believe those, though. No? No. I mean, no. Some celebrities even post, like, wow, I'm rich. And they're looking at the number. But what does it say?

$100 million. I think he owned all his movies i think he had ownership in his movies and he had big movies plus he had music he wrote a lot of music which got played a lot um he made an appearance he came in and uh and i worked with him on James Corden. So that's $850. Plus residuals, like $6 every time it reruns in China. Yep, yep. By the way, seems like we're all going on strike on Monday. Oh, here it is.

Here's the line. Chris just put it in. I'd rather eat a rotten nectarine than a fine plum. What do you think of that? Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, I know. I was hanging out with our friend Carla, who, you know, is a wardrobe designer. You know Carla, Kim and Carla. And she was in tears.

We were at a party on Saturday night, and she was crying in the corner. Because I wasn't invited? Sorry, Govans. Sorry, Dennis Govans. Yeah. And she was like, you know, I've worked for 25 years in this business. And she goes, and the worst part is, is the details about how overworked costume designers are. No lunch breaks, 14-hour days with, you know, 8-hour turnaround, which means if you finish at midnight, they can have you come back at 8 in the morning,

which means a lot of these people live an hour, hour and a half from where they're shooting. So that's two hours of travel right there. Plus, you've got to take a fucking shower, eat a couple meals. You know, it's insane. And she's like, and just the disrespect and all that. And she was just crying thinking about the next generation of costume people coming up that she hasn't done anything to make it better. So she's like she's ready to strike.

She thinks it's a really meaningful strike and that there's a lot of issues that they need to address. Totally. Never mind pay. What was the story? Oh, no. She was saying her assistants make seventeen dollars an hour. And these are people that have like, you know, worked for years just to become a wardrobe assistant. And that's all you get. Something came up recently where it was, maybe I got, like, a check. Or we were talking about, I don't know, anyway, a job I had, like, 10 years ago.

And it was, like, someone had said, like,, but, uh, what would that be worth now? And I'm like, what would it be worth now? All of us were paid more 10 years ago. Yeah. I was paid more. Oh, and by the way, not because of age. I mean, even like someone my age, you know, like younger than me now is going to get paid less. Oh, yeah. No, they have all these things like they bring in new writers and they call them assistant writers or something. And they're doing the same thing. They're sitting in the room, they're writing on the show, and they're given this new title

where they can pay them like a third less money than they would normally make. And it's record breaking profits and it keeps going up and they always lie. I mean, the biggest lie ever was, we don't know. I mean, streaming's probably not even a thing. Like, in other words, no, you can't monetize that. And then, of course, they turn around and tell all their shareholders at the meeting, where, by law, they have to tell the truth. They're like, streaming is going to be one of our biggest revenue sources,

one of our biggest, you know, sort of, anyway. And the thing is, is we used to have the leverage of the broadcast networks had the Nielsen ratings, and so you could tell how many people were watching a show, and you could base comparable salaries on those numbers. The streaming services will not tell anybody how many times a show or a movie has been downloaded or viewed. And listen, for people who, you know, think we're complaining and all that, because whatever.

Anyway, you're sitting in a closet, Mike. Also, I'm freezing and I'm like, oh, what could I do to get warm? I'm in a closet. I'm going to put a shirt on. I swear to God, that's what I was just thinking in here. I'm going to grab, I haven't worn this shirt in forever. So anyway, one of the great fights about, you know, unions and residuals and why someone gets paid again for their work. I'm going to slaughter the names, but it was the head of I think he was a William Morris. And anyway, he became the guy with the big glasses. He became the most powerful guy in Hollywood. and he said when the writers guild or directors guild was threatening to strike hey i don't keep paying my plumber after he fixes my toilet and one of the guys responded in the back and forth um you would if every time you flushed it it coughed out cash

which is perfect that That's exactly right. Okay, fine. Then don't charge money. How about this? Don't charge. Of course, we're going to fix your toilet, but never charge money again for people that use the toilet. How about that?

No? Oh, you stupid idiot. Anyway, speaking of charging money, the coffee mugs went on sale last week, and we sold quite a few. Thank you for your support. But the disaster the disaster well it's not a dis mike i mean the shipping is higher than we would like and we've had a lot of uh people that are um concerned about it we've gone back and forth all week with our um the guy who handles this storing and the shipping and the merch store guy,

who's a great guy. He does a good job. He's done my cups and my T-shirts for years. But shipping has gone through the roof, and we got a mug that is over a pound because it's 16 ounces. So it's a big, beautiful mug, but it also costs a lot to ship it. So just be forewarned that the shipping is higher than we would like. And there's really, we were thinking about switching to a smaller cup,

but it only saves a couple of bucks. And at this point, we've already pre-sold a bunch. It's ridiculous. Unless you're Amazon. And I found all these people complaining online about coffee mugs and how much, how it's not worth it to like ship and all that, because if you're not willing to endure that, you know, shipping costs, but Amazon, obviously with their, you know, economies to scale and everything they, they, and they take, and obviously Amazon hasn't made a single dollar by the way, if you don't count their networking services. So anyway, it's tough. We looked into reducing the price of the mugs, and there's kind of no way around it. But they're beautiful mugs.

It's a great Christmas present. We encourage you to buy them. Support the show. Listen, the shipping might sound extraordinary at $15. That's three, like, nitro coffees at Starbucks. Right. Or three lattes. Go to sundaypapers.net or fitzdog.com and you will see the mug and you can order it there for Christmas.

All right. Let's talk to Chris. Chris just wrote in the document that someone's glitchy. My Wi-Fi hasn't been good. But the audio will be fine, right? Because we're recording it individually. Yeah. Don't worry about it.

It's fine. I don't know why Chris is writing this. What's the difference? We can see each other. The video is going to be not great. That's fine. It's a podcast. We want to thank John Cabrera, who's really one of our top music producer performers.

He's amazing. He's one of our top music producers. Well, he's a producer. I mean, that's what he does for a living. He produces music and he performs music. Okay, first time I heard the song. Now, listen to the song again, and this is what I heard. Come on, Eileen.

Uh-huh. Very weird. By the way, the first time... Because I think it was... You just said that, and for the first time in my life, I heard it as, come on, Eileen. You never heard it that way? I never once in 30 years heard it that way.

Come deep in, Eileen. You never heard it that way. It does not come deep in, Eileen. All right. Okay. All right, we got a lot to get to, man. Let's do this. All right, also the logo, Kyle Spencer did a very nice read all about it logo.

I like that logo. Can you see it in the document yeah it says come on eileen it's so hey what are you doing coming on eileen that's me sister corrections oh boy do we want to read this? No, I'm not going to read this guy. Stephen Hall. Read this guy. Correction validation. My girlfriend often points out how I say all the sudden instead of all of the sudden. It was with great jubilation when I realized Mike often says it like I do, validating me.

I don't say all of a sudden. Ever. I say all of a sudden. What do you say? I say all of a sudden. No, I say all of a sudden. No, you don't. I say all of a sudden.

All the sudden? Yep. No, all of a sudden. It's all of a sudden? Yep. Well, no, all of a sudden. It's all of a sudden? Listen, I might have it wrong, but I'm just telling you what I say. Well, let's break it down. All of a sudden. It's a weird phrase.

All of the sudden. I think it's supposed to be all of the sudden. Here's the fix. Suddenly. Yep. think it's supposed to be all of the sudden here's here's the fix suddenly yep that sounds like that sounds like the word in an adult uh novel what do you call those young adult novels all of a sudden jimmy had a lot of phrases we've been over this but there's a lot of phrases that don't like champing at the bit was the original one not chomping that was a big storyline on uh oh there was a tv show where the guy went off about that you've got another think coming what nobody fucking says another think coming i know no one does but that's the that's the origin it's not thing. Judas Priest had it wrong.

No. Yes, sir. You've got another think coming, is the correct? You've got another think coming. Are you sure? Yeah. Why don't you think again about it? I think you have one coming.

And then my thing, my little pet peeve- Your think? Is too many people in my life say on accident. It happened on accident. I hate that. And I looked it up because I say by accident, via accident. By accident. No, it's by accident, of course. And we talked about, I think, online or in line, but I never put it together. On accident. The reason people are saying on accident is because it's the opposite of on purpose. Ah, right. But I would hate to be somebody from another life, another country learning this fucking language. It is brutal. I hear it's

like the worst language to try to learn. Hey, look, did Chris just write that in there? It's all of a sudden. Okay. On a sudden is an out historic and but outmoded variant. All of a sudden is the only accepted usage done. When I was in college, did you ever meet my freshman and

sophomore year roommate Mooney, Mark Van year roommate, Mooney? Mark Van Aris? Mooney? I don't think so. You probably met him, but whatever. I didn't really hang out with him as much junior and senior year. So anyway, he was from Connecticut and nicest guy in the world.

Mark Van Aris, shout out. I think he runs the Rainbow Cleaners now in Hamden, Connecticut. Wow. And he was a great roommate that's specific and he but he had the most is it malapropisms is that when you say words wrong yes it is uh he had the best malapropisms like one time remember there was hurricane gloria that hit boston of course we had to tape all our windows with big x's yes and uh and i remember remember Chris Denman did it with swastikas. He said it would hold the glass better

because it was going in more directions. He's like, this is a functional X. I don't know what you guys are doing. And so after that, there was a tree that had like wood holding it up. And he said they had to reimburse that tree. And he once asked me for a vanilla envelope. Those are great.

Kids say the darndest things. And by kid, I mean a 19-year-old adult. We called him Mooney because I moved into the room and we were in a triple. It was originally a double, but there was a housing shortage. They turned it in a triple it was originally a double but there was a housing shortage they turned it into a triple and uh and i walked in and the kids got fucking tapestries on the wall grateful dead posters he's got this little mustache and a guitar and i was like all right this is gonna work i'm in and so we took mushrooms like the first week of school we took mushrooms and he sat out in the quad,

you know, in front of Sleeper Hall and he literally started howling at the moon. It was a full moon. And so for four years we called him Mooney. That's fantastic. You did a lot of drugs your first week. I did Crank with Dan Brickner the first night of school. First night. What is going on?

Okay. All right, let's keep going here. What do we got? All right, here we go. We got a correction from Nancy Clothier, who's become a close friend of the show. She's a very sweet woman. She says, Viggo Mortensen is not a European actor. While he is of Danishish descent he was born

in new york i like to hear that that's that's a good correction yeah and uh he does have dual citizenship though denmark is the place man whenever they're talking about well well it works in denmark you know whether it's like socialized medicine or high minimum wages or maternity and paternity leave, like they got it fucking locked down in Denmark, man. Well, good luck to them. And that means, you know, now that England has shut their borders, they're all going to go there. They're going to go to some place. All the. What?

Oh, God, I'm so illiterate. What does it say on the Statue of Liberty? Bring us your tired, your poor. Yeah. So all those people, all those people are going to be the unwashed. The what are they? There was more. There was more descriptive language. Anyway, they're all going to show up there because the world is hurting. And if someplace has a system that takes care of people, we're learning this in America too brutally right now. Well, Germany did a beautiful job, you know. They set up a whole system for the Syrians that came in.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the 30s. Go ahead. I know. They're still trying to replace the Jews they lost. So they took in a million, I think it was a million Syrians. It's always a problem. Listen, there's no winners without losers. And what do you think? The losers, and I'm, of course, speaking technically, that they technically are losers.

You don't think they're going to gravitate towards places that might help them? I might go there. Fuck it. I'll be one of the tired. I'll show up unwashed to Denmark. Yeah. Matt Thompson was talking about the five fifth. We talked about the. Teeming. Yes.

The song 515 by the who. A girls of 15 sexually knowing the ushers are sniffing. Oh, to coloning is about a teenage girls peeing on the seats when the bands play and the ushers have to spray perfume on the seats. Think it's about the Beatles. Wow. All right. First of all, I love that explanation, whether it holds any water or pee or anything, because that's amazing.

Yeah. Girls at 15. I think that's the excuse the ushers came up with. The ushers are sniffing. Oh, the cologne. Yeah, that makes sense. I think that's the excuse the ushers came up with. An usher with cologne, because he's a suave douchebag, is now sniffing the seats of these

15-year-olds. He gets caught, and he's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm doing it. And then he takes out his cologne, and he sprays the seat like he's doing his job. You pervert. Oh, I'm just spraying her panty drawer with my cologne because, you know, I mean, this girl doesn't wash her panties.

Female pat down. Yeah. I'm going to be coming to the San Francisco Punchline November 4th through the 6th. Very sadly, Mike Gibbons will be unavailable as he will be visiting his daughter's college. I'll be in Militia again. Militia again. Watching a football game. I've never been to a big—oh, no, I went to Notre Dame once. It is fun going to big college football game. I've never been to a big, oh no, I went to Notre Dame once.

It is fun going to big college football games. My dad brought me to an Army-Navy game when I was very young. And I remember, that was intense. Yeah. Those games used to be really big. Yeah. What do you think of the biggest college rivalries?

Michigan, Michigan State? Or is it Ohio and Michigan? I think it's the sec uh versus black people i think historically that's the biggest college football rivalry yeah yeah um okay speaking of amazing things you I, you look, we advertise a lot of products. They send us samples. Sometimes they go by the wayside. Sometimes we, you know. Not this one.

I already know what you're going to say. This one is Magic Spoon, and we love it. They haven't sent me a second batch, so I guess I'm going to sign up. If you haven't signed up, it's this cereal that tastes like, I'll just say it. It tastes like the stuff you loved when you were a kid. Like, you know, fruity, cocoa-y, all the fun flavors, peanut-y that you liked, blueberry, cinnamon, cookies and cream, you know, maple waffle cinnamon, cookies and cream, maple waffle. They didn't send me maple waffle.

Somehow it doesn't tear the roof of your mouth apart like peanut butter Captain Crunch used to. But the key to all of this is it's healthy. You can cut down on your carbs and your sugar and your crap and eat something good now, and you can do it in the morning. Zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only four net grams of carbs in each serving. I didn't even know it was gluten-free until someone told me that. Right. It's good.

Your daughter can- I mean, it says it on the box. It's right there. Your daughter can eat it. But it didn't even come into play. Only 140 calories a serving. It's keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb. Build your own box. Available flavors to build your own custom bundle are cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberries, cinnamon, cookies, a cream,

and maple waffle. So, I mean, I happen to be a cocoa guy. I love the cocoa, and I mix it with a little bit of peanut butter. Oh, yeah. Chocolate and peanut butter. Little Reese's peanut butter cup with some oatmeal. I put oat milk on it. Oh, yeah. Oh, Mike.

Yes. Sorry, I just got a... Jesus, what happened to you during that ad read? No, I know. You know what it is? I lose myself thinking about Magic Spoon. I think about Magic Spoon and I lose myself because I have to order it.

I gotta get it. I love it. What else can I say about it? Here's how you order it. You go to magicspoon.com slash papers, grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today. Be sure to use our promo code PAPERS at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee.

So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. No questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash PAPERS. Use the code PAPERS to save $5. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring the episode. It's funny. I always think about adults whenever we talk about them, but

sneak it into your kids. Sneak it into the kids' fold. I've never even thought about that. Because then when they go to school, they're not going to crash at 9.45 and put their heads on their desk and start crying. Yeah, for me, it's always a nostalgic play, this Magic Spoon. Kind of like you started the ad read.

But yeah, sneak it into your kid's thing. Yeah. Do a blind taste test. That's what you should do. All right, let's crinkle some papers, Mike. It's time. Here we go. We're going to start off with No Shit.

All right, in the no shit news. All right, this has changed since I put this in there just an hour ago. But the no shit news that I put in here was Netflix does not pull the Chappelle special from the network. So this week, Ted Sarandos issued a statement, quote, Ted Sarandos, the head of Netflix, quote, adults can watch violence, assault and abuse or enjoy shocking stand up comedy without it causing them to harm others. We are working hard to ensure marginalized communities aren't defined by a single story. So we have sex education. Orange is the new black control. Control Z, Hannah Gatsby and Dave Chappelle all on Netflix.

Well, Hannah Gatsby, the stand-up comedian who famously, what would you say? She kind of like announced she was quitting and not doing jokes anymore? Right, which launched her career. So her comedy specials Nanette from 2017 and Douglas from 2020 were both released through Netflix. But she wrote, Ted, you didn't pay me nearly enough to deal with the real world consequences of the hate speech dog whistling you refuse to acknowledge. Fuck you and your amoral algorithm cult. I do shits with more backbone than you. That's just a joke. Just parenthetically, she had to say that's just a joke because obviously it's as much a joke as

Family Circus does. The joke doesn't even make fucking sense. So thank you, Hannah, for letting me know that was a joke. Also, you stopped doing jokes, which is very clear. Continuing on, I definitely didn't cross a line because you told the world there isn't one. And then Gapsy captioned the post with, quote, Yes, I watched the whole thing. Leave me alone. Hashtag trans is beautiful. Hashtag comedy is dead. i killed it wow so much to unpack here there's a tremendously damaged ego that's uh has to be unpacked here i would say the only

thing that makes sense here is hashtag comedy is dead because i saw her two specials. And there was a death. Comedy took a hit during those two specials. I thought she was likable and everything, but God, can anyone make a statement now with... Anyway, I'm Googling now because I lost the link where news came in right before we went on. So basically Hannah Gadsby, she got famous through the open-mindedness of Netflix that put on a special that was very unconventional.

And I mean, some could argue lacked any comedic content whatsoever. And he supported that. Okay. Do you want me to read the latest? Yeah. Try to, try to not read eight paragraphs though. When do I do that?

Always. Dave Chappelle. Wait till we get to the story about freezing water. Oh my God. That's worth it. That's for the stone people. That's, that's coming up.

Nice deep teas. Uh, but keep interrupting. It'll get shorter. Dave Chappelle closer controversy blast radius grows as Netflix Netflix pink slips dismayed staffer over leak. things are really getting messy. Netflix has today fired a longtime employee who leaked confidential financial information in response to the streamers launch of Dave Chappelle's controversial, the closer.

So I haven't read this. You don't want me to read too much, but they let someone go. I'm scanning it. They might've been motivated by disappointment and hurt with Netflix, but maintaining a culture of trust and transparency is corridor company. Okay. Yeah. It sounds like they trust and transparency is corridor company. Okay, yeah. It sounds like they should have been fired.

No? Well, were they trans? A female person of color. A female person of color. The staffer who was axed today is also one of the organizers of a walkout next week by Netflix trans employees over the closer. I know, but it sounds like two different issues. It sounds like they also leaked info. Right. Um, which really hurts her case. I I'm assuming, sorry, their case. I don't know if they identify as a her, right? So it hurts their case. Boy, if you're organizing a walkout,

God bless you and more power to you, even if I don't agree with you. But boy, don't do something illegal then or against company policy. You got to you got to keep that pure. I mean, look, I respect these people. The trans people at Netflix are very upset. And, you know, there's certainly material in that special that would cause trans and LBGTQ people to be offended. But that doesn't define what Ted should do. He should put out a plethora of different entertainment and let people—

My son, I talked to him yesterday. They discussed it in the sociology class in college. They discussed the special. It's causing discussion. It's causing dialogue. It's letting people speak out about, uh, about how they feel about this. That that's the ultimate form of comedy, isn't it? You're asking me about comedy. So I, I, I, the more I know, the less I think the more, the less I really know. I think anyway, uh, I, in fairness to our listeners, someone right in, I did this with Jay-Z too. I criticized Jay-Z. No one wrote in and told me where Jay-Z's genius is. And I'm saying, I think he is a genius. I just don't know where it is. So anyway, same thing with this.

It's not related in theme, but someone very, very literally and technically sent to us the flagrant things that Chappelle said in his special. Well, that will incite violence, because that's the point the trans community is trying to say, is that this kind of speech is hate speech, and it causes the, you know, people attacking people in the queer community.

And please be careful that to contextualize it, which is all artists constantly ask for. If the sentence before something you send us that you are saying is flagrant, if he's like, now, listen, I know this could upset people, but hear me out. Please include like the context is very important. If he's recognizing something as potential like you know that that actually is important i'm not saying it excuses it don't misunderstand me i'm just saying context is incredibly important to this and i i really do because boy if you didn't see the special and you were reading these reactions you would think it was like a trump speech

You would think it was like a Trump speech where he is really like baiting and really being provocative for provocative sake. Right. Right. So that is not. I saw it, but I'm happy to watch it again. So anyway, yeah, story developing. We look for your comments. We'll continue discussing it. I like that Netflix is stuck to their guns. Let's go to the front page. Here we go, sir.

It's, it's, I found it. All right. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right. A 47-year-old woman, saint, from Los Gatos, California,

faces multiple charges for allegedly hosting high school parties where she served teenagers copious amounts of alcohol and encouraged sex acts that she sometimes watched, authorities said. Shannon O'Connor, good Irish woman. This is what happens when you fucking repress sexuality in a culture for centuries. Now lives in Idaho, allegedly brought vodka, fireball, whiskey, provided condoms, and discouraged the teens from telling their parents about the parties or calling for help when one of them passed out in their own vomit.

She allegedly lured teens to her house in the middle of the night over Snapchat and text and warned them not to disclose the parties or she could go to jail. The parties, held from 2020 to earlier this year, were mainly attended by 14- and 15-year-olds, and it wasn't uncommon for teens to drink to the point of vomiting and passing out. Well, the last part gets it right. I don't think a teen passed out in their own vomit. I'm pretty sure they passed out, then they vomited. Let's give them a little credit. Yes, yes. That's usually how it goes. I mean, how many times did you vomit as a teenager from

drinking? Oh, how about how often your head would hit the pillow and if you were not too drunk, you'd have to shoot right back up on the brink of throwing up to try to save it. It's seasickness. It's the worst feeling in the world. I probably threw up 20% of the time I drank for the first couple years.

I remember being on the vineyard, Jack Stout, my good friend who lives in Wyoming. So his family was kind enough to host me. They had a house on the vineyard and we would drink and we might have been, I don't know, almost of age, you know, we weren't young. It was after freshman year in college. That's when it was. And so I remember two twin beds in his room and I, I woke up, I woke up in the morning and there's throw up all over the bottom of my bed. And I,

without any humor, completely, truly blamed him. I thought he got up. I thought he got up and threw up on my bed, but I'm now thinking back to his poor parents, his parents. Imagine now like we're of that. We're even older than his parents were. And it's like, uh, you're the friend you're hosting just throws up all over your linens and your comforter. Yeah. Oh my God. What a, what a disgrace.

I remember that house. You know what I remember about those beds is they had, they, they didn't have top sheets. They had a bottom sheet with a duvet cover on a comforter. That's what the bed was. And I remember I'd never seen that before in a house. That's what threw me. That's why I threw up all over my lower half of the bed. But no, this was like the teenage eyes wide shut.

She was like, she was going for a whole feel here, you know? Stacey's mom. Remember that song? No. Oh, yeah. Well, but that's kind of wrong because in that everyone had a crush on the hot mom it sounds i'm wondering if she's attractive because nowhere in here does it talk about like the boys wanting to have sex with her yeah they don't mention her touching anybody it sounds like she liked to watch. And, you know, look, she was just a hostess.

She was just a fucking godsend. Can you imagine being 14 and 15 and finding a woman who's going to buy you booze and condoms and host parties? Who fucking ratted? I want to know who ratted her out. I know. And she helped the community because all of a sudden, none of the boys needed to have sex with their teachers anymore. That's right. They had an outlet. That's right. They had an outlet.

That's right. It was perfect. By the way, I watched Blue Lagoon, or I skimmed through Blue Lagoon the other day because they- Oh, boy. It was on my homepage for some reason on Netflix. Holy shit. I had to look it up. Brooke Shields was 14 years old.

You went to that guy's high school, by the way. What's that? You went to Chris's high school. Yes, Christopher Atkins, who was 19 at the time, went to my high school. He graduated like two years ahead of me. And he was simulating fucking. They were making out, kissing her neck, kissing her back, touching her body, and I

couldn't believe it. And they showed her naked swimming in the water with her tits and her pussy. They showed Bush. It was easy. Easy with the descriptive language. It was in a lagoon. It's a safe space. Oh my God.

14 years old. I met her when my father hosted the Jerry Lewis Telethon in New York, and she was a guest. She came on to, like, say a few words, and I was backstage with my brother and my friend Josh, and I was, like, you know, probably 14, and she was about 5'11 or 6 feet tall, but she was, like, the same age as us, but it was so weird to look at this human being and stand next to her she put her arm around me to take a picture

and just think you're the same age as me you're the same fucking species as me she was so goddamn beautiful well you know uh 15 years ago she breastfed in my backyard. No. Yeah, she came over because my brother-in-law, George, his brother, anyway, she had a baby the same age as our babies. And she came over to my house in Santa Monica. And all of a sudden, like it was feeding time. And my sister also feeding time. And so, of course, I ran in the house and then pulled the curtains back to peek out. To see your sister breastfeeding? I didn't realize my sister was breastfeeding at the same time.

And it was the biggest cock block ever. Yeah. I still watched. Oh, God. By the way, terrible feat, Brooke Shields. Don't say that. Go to WikiFeet. You can see it for yourself.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Is there really a thing called WikiFeet? Yeah. No, there... All right, you're part of the problem. Texas school teachers told to counter. This is your story.

This is... You know... No, it is. I was like, this is one of those stories that's not true. You know, like, there's no way. And then NBC News is involved. Anyway, Texas school teachers told to counter Holocaust books with opposing views. An official with the Carroll School District in Southlake is heard on the recording obtained by NBC News

advising educators about what books they should have on their classroom shelves after a local teacher was reprimanded for keeping an anti-racism book in her library. Quote, make sure that if you have a book on the Holocaust, that you have one that has opposing, that has other perspectives, end quote. A voice that is purportedly Gina Petty.

How do you oppose the Holocaust? One teacher responds, according to NBC News, quote, believe me, that's come up, says says Patty. It's like, but I kind of agree. The more I thought about it, like, why wouldn't you be like now? Here's what like a jerk like, you know, what anti-Holocaust there's like. Isn't it helpful to learn what lunatics also say about it and that you're going to encounter in your life? Right, right.

Contrarian views? Yep. Holocaust deniers. But what I want them to do is I hope they're teaching. I hope Texas, you know what? What is it? Something in my bonnet. What is it? A fly, uh something in my bonnet what is it a fly a bee in my bonnet yeah texas is i hope they teach uh the the opposing or whatever it is the uh

the other perspective on the alamo fucking retarded texans if i may use that word um the alamo do you know what the alamo is about? Yes. Mexicans came to free the slaves. Hold on. First of all, it was Mexico. Yeah, it was Mexico. And the white landowners who were moving there with their slaves, Mexico then said, hey, by the way, we have a rule. Humans can't be property. And the white Texans are like, y'all go fuck yourself. And so this David and Goliath myth that they came up with, with like the few white guys around all these tech, you know, Mexican sort of savages is a complete bullshit.

What the whites were fighting for was to own black people. Right, right. Exactly. It's a disgrace. Yep. I mean, what's the other perspective on the, uh,

you know, Hitler way. Look, trains ran on time, sharp uniforms. They started a lot of companies that are still running today. Volkswagen, BMW,

Krups, all started by the Nazis. That's pretty good. But I would say also be more honest. Like, BMW, Krups, all started by the Nazis. That's pretty good. But I would say, also be more honest, like, here's the opposing view. Some humans are worth a lot less than other humans. Yeah. And so they should be put in gas chambers and exterminated. Wow, Jesus, Mike.

Like vermin. No, no, that is the opposing view. Yeah, right. It's truly the opposite. Yeah, no, that is the opposing view. Right. It's truly the, yeah, sure. Teach it. Yeah.

I can't believe Texas is going off the rails. We got to maybe switch Florida man to Texas man. Let's talk about it in our next meeting. And to be clear, and I've pitched that and to be clear, it's the egotistic Texans that I have a problem with. The people that think like Texas holier than thou that aren't self-critical. Listen, have I ever not been self-critical of where I've lived?

Listen, as comedians, we hone our craft based on being critical. But it's the Texans who are like, nah, we're the Lone State. It's like, you know what? Fucking secede. Honestly, go. Go. And by the way, you know what?

Keep your oil. It's very forward-looking. You'll do great. It's going to work out great in your desert down there, you fucks. Yeah, as your fucking land dries out because of the global warming that you're denying. And here's the little, the Austin.

Austin's named after one of know, native sons, Austin. He's considered the father of Texas. He spent years fighting to preserve slavery from the attacks of Mexican abolitionists. It is clear that rather than a courageous stand for liberty, the white men fighting at the Alamo were battling their own people of color. Anyway, there are quotes from him that are from Austin. John Quincy Adams even said it was a war for the reestablishment of slavery where it was abolished. Anyway, look up Austin. Total douchebag.

A year after announcing plans to introduce the McPlant Burger, McDonald's is ready to test it out. announcing plans to introduce the McPlant Burger, McDonald's is ready to test it out. The McPlant, featuring a plant-based patty created in partnership with Beyond Meat, will be available in eight restaurants. While it may be attractive to vegetarians or flexitarians, strict vegans might be less interested. McPlant Burger is served with mayonnaise and American cheese, along with ketchup, tomato, lettuce, pickles, and onions, and prepared on the same grill as the meat and the egg products. Would a vegan really go through a McDonald's drive-thru? Well, I mean, I'm on the road all the time.

I got to tell you something. Like, Ian Edwards is a vegan, and he has a hard time working on the road because you don't have a lot of choice of your fucking restaurants sometimes. You know, you're at an airport, and it's and there's only one thing open and it's McDonald's. You got to eat there. I know. But I mean, given what McDonald's is, you know not to go there. They're pretty honest.

Look at the walls. All their ingredients are posted. They tried to do salads. They might still do the salads. And apparently it's a huge loss. Nobody gets fucking salads at McDonald's. Imagine losing money on lettuce. Yeah.

It's pretty hard to do. Right. But it's like, yes, it's not really for vegetarians. Don Gavin, you know, the Boston comic Don Gavin, who's maybe the greatest comedian I've ever seen. He used to have this joke. He goes, hey, I'm not a strict vegetarian. I eat meat and shit. Well, I don't eat shit, but.

Yeah, I don't eat vegan shit. Beyond meat, though, you know, this is a play because McDonald's rival, Burger King, already has, I'm going to say it, the delicious Impossible Whopper. Is it good? It's so good. So listen, I hadn't been to a Burger King, I'm going to say in 18 years, more, 20.

I mean, I don't think I was at one since I moved to L.A., so that's over 20 years. People turn me on to this impossible Whopper. It's delicious. I don't know how healthy it is, but it's delicious. I'm getting one today. I'm going to get one on my way to my gig in Oxnard tonight. They're not a sponsor, but get the app. You can order it. It's waiting for you when you get there. And then there's crazy deals. Like it's wrong how inexpensive it can be all right but i'm still waiting for mcdonald's to admit that the mcnuggets are you know that little triangular little piece that used to be over the the asshole of chickens yeah i think

that's what they snip into boxes of six nine and twelve that's the mcnugget that little fatty tissue flap that looks kind of like a heart. They used to hang over the chicken's asshole. I think that's what McNuggets are. I never watch any of these anti-meat documentaries because I know I'll have to become a vegan or I'll have to become

at least a vegetarian because... You can't win that argument. Absolutely. Absolutely. Lindsey Graham, speaking of not winning arguments, he said in an interview with Fox News host Sean Hannity, that never ends well, that

quote, we had 40,000 Brazilians come through the Yuma sector headed for Connecticut, wearing designer clothes and Gucci bags. Usually when you go to the border, you see people who are dressed really haggardly and who look like they've been through hell, Graham told the Post.

This time at Yuma, there were dozens that looked like they were checking into a hotel and smartly dressed. Hurry up. We have an influx of influencers at the border. Bishop provided photos of the luggage Graham saw on his trip to the post, which,

uh, which the newspaper noted did not appear to be Gucci. And, and, and what's with all these Brazilian women with the ass and the boob jobs, where'd they get the money for that? They're Brazilian. Look at those canvas Gucci sacks.

Look at them. I bet the men have tight Brazilian waxes and big, meaty cocks. Oh, no. Dude. I mean, 40,000? Yeah. Going to Connecticut? Well, he patches together information.

Like, apparently there have been a bunch of immigrants coming to Connecticut recently. So he took Brazilians. He somehow took Gucci. I don't know where the fuck he got that from. And he puts it all together into a conspiracy. And then Fox News launches it. And then the Post confirms it. And then half of America starts believing it.

Yeah, it's like, look over here. Don't don't dare look at what Trump's up to. Yeah, it's like, look over here. Don't don't dare look at what Trump's up to. Not long after arriving at the small single story house in Portsmouth, Virginia, this guy reportedly bought sight unseen. Eighty four year old. Oh, wait. It's 84 year old guy, Albert Baglioni, bought a house and then he was found dead inside. So is his real estate agent, 41-year-old Soren Arn Olschlegel. Baglioni is believed to have killed Arn Olschlegel before turning the gun on himself. Oh, I thought he asphyxiated trying to pronounce his realtor's name like you just did. Denmark, baby.

Why would he leave? Online records show the 750-square-foot house was purchased for $160, baby. Why would he leave? Online records show the 750 square foot house was purchased for $160,000. Holy shit. I get a house for $100,000. I'm going to Virginia right now. That shit is available. Dude, 750 square feet. That's Virginia.

You're outside all the time. It's enough for a corpse. Bring a mop. Just bring a mop. Razor blade to get up the yellow tape outline of the body. Talk about buyer's remorse. Jesus. I'd say, why would you buy a house to kill yourself in?

It's called a hotel or a motel. Exactly. Or an Airbnb at least. Yeah. And it puts a stink on the house. Good luck selling that house. Sure. A little bit higher cleaning fee.

I get it. But you didn't buy the house. Maybe the realtor should have told the guy about the 6% commission ahead of time. I can't take it. Let's see. I'm going to kill myself. I guess I got to kill you before I kill myself. Okay.

Maybe he just looked up and he went, holy shit, I just paid $160,000 for 750 square feet and I live in Virginia. I wonder if that gun's still in my glove box. Okay, local news. Gavin, Governor Newsom, vetoes a jaywalking bill. Governor Gavin Newsom vetoed a bill Friday that would have allowed people to cross the street outside of crosswalks when cars were not present without facing the possibility of a pricey jaywalking ticket. So this is in the state of California where all of us New Yorkers move. Did you ever get a jaywalking ticket? They got me once for speedwalking.

I was going over nine. So I remember when we moved out here, a lot of us were like, that would be like a sort of badge of honor to get a jaywalking ticket because it's so ridiculous, especially coming from New York. I would run. My first instinct would absolutely be to outrun the cop. Good one. Now you're going absolutely be to outrun the cop. Good one. That's now you're going to jail for real charges. Yeah. So anyway, the argument was that these laws do not protect pedestrians and instead they burden people with unaffordable fines and subject

marginalized communities to harassment by law enforcement. And there's statistic that black people receive three times as many jaywalking citations as whites. But I agree with you, Greg, what you had said before the podcast, that you don't believe that blacks are getting three times the citations, like taking the shortcuts by jaywalking because black people are late to everything. So it doesn't make any sense. I said that. Didn't you? No, Chris Denman. Chris Denman said that make any sense. I said that? Didn't you?

No, Chris Denman. Chris Denman said that. Oh, Denman said that? Yes. Yeah, that if they were jaywalking so much, maybe they'd be on time more. I think Denman has a good point. I don't know. Yeah, no, it really is. I read an article about it.

It really is. It's like you got some fucking, some guy who's working two jobs and he's just hustling to get from his fucking fry cook job to his janitor job and he you know and he makes a hundred bucks a day and you give him a ticket for two hundred dollars for jaywalking it's fucking bullshit yeah also i mean we're generalizing here but also right like you see like for instance me i'm caught in the street and the cop is probably figuring like, I don't think I'm going to get anything else on him or whatever. And he's probably thinking the opposite for a minority. I mean, again, I'm definitely typing, but isn't that what police do?

Why do they call them? Never mind. Huh? Let's do some entertainment. Oh, man, i can't wait all right where are you on squid game almost done i got two episodes left i kind of didn't watch the last one it was spoiled i told you i fell asleep and then i woke up and i saw something that you know kind of explained the ending. But Mark Norman, you know him, right?

Love Mark Norman. Yeah, so do I. Mark Norman had a great tweet this week. Squid Game is really lacking in diversity. They have one North Korean. That's their diversity. Yeah. By the way, I find that North Korean girl to be so strikingly beautiful.

Did I miss something? She's North Korean? Yeah. She just escaped from North Korea. Remember? She was trying to, her boyfriend was in the orphanage, and now she's trying to bring her mom out of North Korea. I didn't watch it so closely.

It was so slow. Slow? Just get to the games. Yeah, they would, like, repeat. It's like, I know how these have to be set up. It's like, oh, we got to learn to care about this character. So talk about his mom who's struggling. Okay, don't tell us about the mom three times.

Keep it moving. Yeah, I do think it's funny because I i see i've seen korean people my whole life talking and they're very animated uh speech patterns as a culture and it's funny to see the uh to see the um the uh chyrons the the the text yeah the subtitles closed caption the subtitles and uh and just to see what they're saying that's so animated, because it's exactly the same as what we would be saying, but just in a very heightened, extreme way. Okay. So. Is that racist? Of course. So you're not listening to it dubbed in English? No, I heard that's terrible.

listening to it dubbed in English. No, I heard that's terrible. It's the worst, but visually I was, I was so impressed with it. Clearly the art direction is really, really cool. Yeah. So I was like, I don't want to keep reading. So I know it's bothersome. So I want to look because, because definitely there were some artists involved in this. It's very, it's very, a lot of it's very good looking. So I put on the, uh, the dubs in English. The actors are so atrocious. Yeah. So atrocious. Right.

And there must be like, obviously there's something going on where they don't know. It makes the actors look, the voice, the English voices make the actors look so bad. But maybe they are. It's lost in translation for sure. No, I can tell they're good actors. I mean, I've watched a lot of foreign shows lately just because I think I've seen everything on TV.

So now we're watching like, we watched Call My Agent in French. We watched a swedish show called um love or love and something and um i've i it really fucking bugs me i hate it but what am i gonna do i watched everything oh succession starts this week. This is my, I know this is my theory. So I'm the guy I have to translate this, right. Or whatever. I'm an English speaking actor and they give me the words to say in English. And then I'm looking at the screen and I have to, you know, I'm, this is like a, whatever, a subtitle. I don't even know what I'm saying,

but it's a session. It's an audio session. I'm in the profession and I am seeing this guy. I think the lead actor overacted like crazy. So I'm going to overact. You know what I mean? I have to match what I'm seeing. Right. Right. So it's like, what old man, you know, like, you know, like all of a sudden, like, you know, I'm like, did Zoinks. Yeah. because that's what i'm seeing yeah yeah he was a little over the top and so is the woman who uh it was oh she's the worst she's the worst okay so you haven't heard her wait till you hear her she's like what are you doing the one that slept with the guy yeah it's it's it's horrendous yeah um yeah but I can't wait for Succession. It's back, I think, on Sunday. Are they going to roll them out one a week?

Are we going to have to wait every week? It's HBO, right? That's what HBO does. I kind of enjoy that. It's kind of a nice break from binging to have to wait a week to see an episode of something. Sometimes I can't keep it straight, though. I think we talked about James Bond last week and the tragedy of Macbeth, but I did watch something on Netflix, Bad Sport. Oh, yeah?

It's a documentary series about corrupt sports scandals. I think we talked about this last week, didn't we? No, I talked to you about it during the week. Oh. So the first one was, the first one was about, the second one was about figure skating. And I totally forgot the figure skating scandal in Salt Lake City between the Canadian team and the Russian team.

And it was, it's amazing. And the Russians are accused of cheating. And I guess the accusations are are so believable and they are that they anyway, I don't want to ruin it. It's really interesting. That was sorry. That was the third one. The second one you have to see. The second one I had never heard of. It's this hick who moved from, I think, South Carolina or something to Florida and decided he liked auto racing. Well, he also liked dealing pot. Well, how's he going to fund the most expensive hobby ever and sport ever, which is not only NASCAR or whatever racing. He had a Porsche, but then he gets to Formula One.

Well, you got to sell a lot more pot. It's amazing. That's all I'll say about it. He is such a charming character. It's incredible. I can't believe it's a true story. Well, it's like that cocaine cowboys where they raise all the money to buy race boats with cocaine and they become champions. all the money to buy race boats with cocaine and they become champions this is bigger than that wow it's it's well yes the the i bet it's about on on the same level actually of the amount uh the the the scale of their smuggling operation no this is. These guys were the biggest cocaine smugglers in the country during the fucking 70s. Right.

And 80s, yeah. This guy's the biggest pot smuggler in the history of anything, I think. When you see, put it this way, it involved giant tankers. Wow.

Yeah. And I feel, I get nervous when I go through airport security with a vape pen in my bag. I know. I'm trying to thinkpe pen in my bag. I know. I'm trying to think what the first one was. Bad sport.

God, I'm just sorry. I'm not remembering what it is. But anyway, maybe Chris can look it up. Jonah Hill in the news. He wants the world to know that his body is not an appropriate talking point. The star took to his Instagram page to inform fans it quote doesn't feel good to read comments about his body quote i know you mean well but i kindly ask you not to comment on my body good or bad i want to politely let you know it's not helpful and it doesn't feel good much respect

and then he wrote i particularly resent the guy who yelled out of his car, get him to the Greek diner. Okay. I also had a real issue with the guy who said, why don't you get a hail Caesar salad? Keep going. You're eating like a wolf of wall street keep going i'm gonna i'm gonna send 21 barely jump street okay listen what's this what's the skinny here i guess fans were laying on kind of thick oh boy it's it listen it's a big problem.

This is heavy stuff. Obviously, he was an easy target. There's really no way around it. I'm sure it weighed on him. I mean, come on. It's hard for him to pick himself up. He just wants to feel lighthearted. What?

What? What? The Rolling Stones have made a decision to drop the song Brown Sugar from the set list of their U.S. tour. It's been hailed as a victory with previous performances of the hit labeled insensitive and a prime example of entitlement. I'm furious. What? I'm furious. It's a victory.

Keep going. Its success is thought to have overshadowed the song's references to slavery, sex, and drugs. Yes, it does reference them, you fucks. Critics have said the track contains,

some of the most stunningly crude and offensive lyrics that have ever been written and that it is gross, sexist, and stunningly offensive towards black women.

Music producer Ian Brennan said it glorified slavery, rape, torture, and pedophilia. Thus, the definition

of a rock and roll song. Huh? It, the definition of a rock and roll song. Huh? It's the definition of a rock and roll song. Holy fuck. You know what? That's like saying, oh my God, all in the family is the most racist, bigoted thing ever. Yeah. It's like, holy shit.

Do you have any idea what satire is? Do you remember back when we were in high school, the Rolling Stones had to drop under my thumb because of all these women protesting outside? Oh, did they? Yeah. Under my thumb, like she speaks when she's spoken to, like, you know, and do you not understand art?

We are in such fucking trouble if i'm the voice of reason honestly yeah uh by the way oh um hey why are all you guys outside protesting this um talking heads concert he's a psycho killer yeah right he's like he's a psycho killer he's gonna kill people yeah let's get rid of the beatles song run for your life yeah you know how about all the women protesting like oh my god cindy lauper uh no she's wrong girls don't just want to have fun that's not what it's about yeah yeah right holy fuck i it's i. And then, and then people get it wrong. The other way, the best is we're going to get to in a minute, the Dodgers one, right? Every time the Dodgers win this whole mentally, what can I say now? Brain damaged city

starts singing. I love., the Randy Newman song. Yeah. So this critic, Nicholas Pell, noted that parts of the song, it's filled with insults to the city. Yeah. He noted the Santa Ana winds, which he references in the song, you know, are obviously, you know, not pleasant and all that stuff. And that the four streets listed at the end of the

song were four quote must avoid streets during 1983 due to gang violence and urban neglect. And every time he listed one of the streets, by the way, I didn't know this. It was, it was, um, from Fleetwood Mac. It was Lindsey Buckingham and maybe Chrissy McVie who were the ones. We love it. Those are the voices. I never knew that. Yeah, I never knew that in that song. But he go, so he lists this gang riddled street and it's like, we love it. He's like, look at that homeless guy over there.

We love it. Yeah. And LA is too stupid to even realize when they're being insulted to their face. Well, it's kind of similar to when a politician plays Born in the USA as some kind of anthem to the United States. The whole song is about how a soldier puts his life at stake in war and comes home to no jobs and no possibilities. So when journalist Timothy White asked whether or not I Love L.A. was written as an insult to Los Angeles, Randy Newman responded by saying he felt the lyrics were, quote, ambiguous.

That means yes. And then in a separate interview, Newman confessed an affection for his native city despite its imperfections. Quote, there's some kind of ignorance LA has that I'm proud of.

The open car and the redhead and the beach boys. That sounds really good to me. I mean, I feel like that about New York. Like I have you can't live in New York and not hate things about it. But then it becomes ingrained with what you love about it. It's why I like living in Venice. It feels like, yeah, there's some crime, and it's dirty, and there's graffiti,

and you got to watch your back a little bit. Like, in a weird way, I like that. Greg, there's a huge difference. These morons, stadium full of morons out here, no one knows it's ironic. No one is like, you know, there's the good and the bad. You know what? I have a love hate. Clearly anyone can have a love hate relationship with any place they live. No, these people just love it. It's just love. There's no ironic loving it. There's no also like critical aspect to it. No, we love it. We're just right we're just we're we're brain damaged and we love and we're just gonna die this way daniel craig in the news uh this james bond prefers his martinis shaken not

stirred and his bar is gay not straight uh daniel craig said on a podcast posted this week that queer nightlife has played a large part in his life and helps him avoid brawls quote i've been going to gay bars for as long as i can remember uh one of the reasons is because i don't get into fights the aggressive dick swinging in hetero bars i just get sick of it because it's like i don't want to end up being in a punch-up and i did that would happen quite a lot a gay bar quote would just be a good place to go. Everybody was chill. You didn't have to sort of state your sexuality was okay. And it was a very safe place to be. And I could meet girls there because there are a lot of girls there for the exact same reason I was there. Yeah. This is exactly what I'd say if I was a closeted homosexual.

this is exactly what I'd say if I was a closet closeted homosexual. Exactly. Word for word. This is the textbook. Yeah. Right. I find everyone goes to gay bars to meet girls. Everyone. Of course, Craig. Right, right, right. Yeah. Daniel. Yeah. Um, I mean, look, I've always thought he might be gay because of the whole double first name thing. You know, anytime you have two guys right next to you, Elton John, George Michael, Tom Cruise. No, Lenny Bruce.

Moby Dick. But honestly, I don't think Daniel Craig's gay, but this is all right. There's a lot to unpack here. First of all, he's talking about it's not like he's talking about bars once he became James Bond and people want to see how tough he is. He's talking about his whole life. How many fights are you getting into? How many, quote, swinging dicks are coming your way in a bar? I think maybe you're going to the gay bar. Maybe

you prefer to wrestle men instead of punch them. I think that he looks like a guy who invites fights because he's too good looking and he kind of looks a little bit like a ruffian. I don't know. There's something about he's got fight energy.

Some people have big dick energy. He's got fight energy. You know, some people have big dick energy. He's got fight energy. I think you're right. But also, how often is he going? How often are you going to bars alone? He's British. That's what the Brits do. They go alone.

What are you talking about? I mean, he's going to gay bars. He's going, sorry, to straight bars, as he calls them, I guess, alone so often and so often getting in fights that he has to go to gay bars to avoid this problem? Yeah. Right. I mean, he's not going with friends. It's

pretty easy to avoid a fight if you're with friends. He was talking about one of the bars is in Venice. So that's the Roosterfish, which is a gay bar that we used to go to with our gay friend. Well, our gay friend would always bring us saying, hey, it's straight night at the fish.

Thursday night is straight night at the fish. Whatever night it was, he would say that's straight night at the fish. I went to a ton of gay bars with him. Yeah, he took me to one that was a, it was an aging drag queen bar in the Valley. It was all old transsexuals and it is the most fun place in Los Angeles to go. And if you want to feel, if you want an ego boost, all these chicks just come up and start hitting on

you. It's beautiful. I find gay bars were the opposite. It was an ego crusher for me because I mean, talk about, I'm assuming, I guess a lot here. I think it's probably pretty easy to get laid in a gay bar. If you're a guy, no one hit on me. Well, you got to go to the old ones. That's the key. Well, you got to go to the old ones. That's the key. No, I was young. I was 30s, maybe early 40s, and no validation. None whatsoever.

I'd be in there with our friend. And anyway. All right, let's move on. What do we got? We got Florida, man. Here we go. A mural. I thought this was hysterical.

It's really Florida people, I guess. It's a man and a woman, but a woman first. A mural unveiled last year depicting a Florida city's first black female deputy fire chief. depicting a Florida city's first black female deputy fire chief. Anyway, this mural was unveiled, and she had on the mural a white face. So it prompted a lawsuit, a public apology, and the dismissal of two municipal employees, and it may soon result in an $80,000 payout. According to her lawsuit, this woman was hired.

So it wasn't like she's a recent hire to the force. She was hired in 1996, was the first black woman in the department. She rose through the ranks to the positions of lieutenant, captain, and battalion chief. In 2017, she became a deputy chief and she retired last year. The mural, which was supposed to highlight the history of firefighters in the city, was also to have featured the image of Glenn Joseph, a black former fire chief. His face was also replaced by a white face. Unbelievable. They're wearing white face. That's fucking crazy.

But I want to see the artist's reaction when they told him, like, hey, listen, there's been a problem. Beautiful mural. You did a great job. Can you put black face on these two people? Yeah, right. He's like, I don't think I can do that. Oh, you've already done enough damage trust me yeah don't all firefighters have blackface i mean the ones that are working hard

you're talking about soot gregory oh right right right you're talking about like dick van dyke as the chimney sweep kind of oh yeah fuck uh which is from fire ultimately i never did blackface did Oh, yeah. Fuck. Which is from Fire, ultimately. I never did Blackface. Did you? Not yet. Halloween's coming. There's always a chance. You don't have to wait for Halloween.

You can kind of do it any time. Wow. Okay, what do we got? International. A little international. Here we go. This story broke this morning. Again, it's Friday and holy shit, man. This is a serious story. Conservative MP, which means a member of parliament, Sir David Amos, has died after being stabbed at his constituencies in Essex.

The police said a 25 year old man was arrested on suspicion of murder after the attack at a church in Lee on the Sea. And all I have to say about this story is, hey, England, stop stealing our moves. Right. That's us that's us with the unhinged lunatics who kill people they disagree with right what the f yeah i mean you well it's funny because this is called he was stabbed at his constituency surgery in Essex. They call it a surgery when they have like a meet and greet with their constituents. Ah. So he died under the knife at a surgery. There you go, Greg.

Thank you. Good night. Thanks for coming to Sunday Papers. I'll be selling my pins after the show. A week ago, we talked about, you know, I kind of stopped watching Bill Maher and you and I have both worked for him. And we have, you know, a definite healthy amount of respect for him. But then, you know, we have some we have some issues as well with him. So anyway, I don't think you still watch him, right?

No. But boy, his thing went viral. He made he kind of broke down a prediction of the Trumpist seas of power that could go down beginning very soon with the midterm elections. And it is it's pretty frightening. It's frightening because it's all so doable and it's in the news every day. I mean, he's bald face going after any opponent of his prior to him running for the presidency again. So he's laying the groundwork for the overturn of the next election. No matter how many votes he gets, it will be like the same playbook as last time. He's going to plan on calling for voter fraud, and he's putting attorneys general in place in different states, especially Michigan and other swing states, where they will go his way next time. And to be clear, I am not talking about Republicans. I'm talking about Trumpers.

Yes. today also on Friday, Nevada, the GOP, the traditional GOP, like I think it was the head of the GOP party, maybe Nevada said she's embarrassed. Like, so there's been these, there's been violence and these Trumpers coming up because they want to unseat Republicans who don't believe the election was stolen. Right. And she's like, this is a disgrace. And other Republicans in Nevada are saying the same thing. But meanwhile, in Congress, they're all staying silent. You know, like fucking 90% of these Republicans are still saying that the election was stolen. It's infuriating.

And it makes me want to move to Portugal because I don't see how we get out. Whatever. I don't want to go down this hole. But anyway, the reason I bring it up is because in this story is because if it goes the way Bill Maher is saying, if it even goes three quarter of the way Bill Maher, there's going to be violence in this country. Yeah. Sounds like a threat. I'm not at all. This is the saddest thing I could say.

Well, maybe because the people that stormed the Capitol and tried to overthrow the government got slaps on the wrist. They got three months in jail. First of all, it's already happening. I'm kind of naive. The violence is already happening. Right. Right.

But anybody that invades the fucking Capitol building and tries to overthrow the government, they should be in jail for 30 years. These guys are going away for three months, six months. That's not a fucking example. That just says, okay, try it again next time.

You'll be here and you'll come out a fucking hero. You'll be a martyr among your little communities. I think they're trying to placate them. I, you know, like like because obviously it would stir the pot. But by the way, just just to clear up all the the sensitive snowflakes who get angry at me on both sides, I really am saying the violence can come from the left or right. If it goes the way Maher is saying, I could see some leftist people completely losing their shit. And it's minority rule never goes well. And that's the left getting violent. And if the right, if the Trumpists don't get their way, they've already been violent.

And they are going to get very violent. And I fear for politicians. Yeah. I really do. Right, right. So anyway, sports. Little sports. Let's liven this up with some sports talk.

You owe me $100, MF-er. Motherfucker. You are so lucky you didn't see this game last night. Tampa Bay beat the Eagles by six. The point spread was originally 6.5, and then it moved to seven, which is my theory, because so many people just are in love with Brady. They have to raise the point spread because so many people bet for him, so Brady. They have to raise the points because so many people bet for him. So Tampa Bay has to give away more points.

But this was a headline. A late two-point conversion by the Eagles delivers a bad beat for Buccaneers bettors during Thursday night football. That was a headline on CBS Sports. Wait, so what happened? At the end of the game, did they just sat on the ball and let the clock tick instead of putting it across the end zone?

Okay, yes, but before that, they drive down the field. Buccaneers had dominated the first half of the game and the third quarter as well. Anyway, finally the Eagles wake up. They drive down the field. They're losing by, I should be able to do this math quickly.

I guess they're losing by 14, right? So they come down the field. They score six. And then they go for two, which was shocking. That's insane. Keep in mind. Yeah. At that point, I thought the spread was 6.5 still.

And I'm like, oh, my God, this is the difference in who owes the other one 50 bucks. Because if they miss it, which odds are you missed the two point conversion, then they're going to, um, it'll be five, six points. And I thought you had six and a half.

Yeah. So anyway, I'm kind of getting some of this math wrong, but then the Buccaneers get the ball. They're losing by six. They march all the way down to like the seven yard line with two minutes left and they sit on the ball and it's first down six or seven yards out from the end zone.

And I'm like, well, they're going to kick a field goal. Nope. They run down the clock because going to kick a field goal. Nope. They run down the clock because Eagles had no more timeouts. Wow. You would have lost your mind. I'm so glad I was out doing bad shows.

Oh, my God. I did a show last night. Somebody invited me. Hey, do you want to do this show? Whatever. We'll give you some money. Okay. And I show up, and it's at a hotel.

And then I go, yeah, I'm here to do the comedy show okay yeah just take the elevator to the roof i'm like no not a fucking roof show such a captive audience no one's paying attention i go up and it's all these like beds it's like you know pool beds laid out and and there's just people, young, beautiful people laid out drinking Moscow mules. And then there's a bar area that's super loud. I'm like, you know what? Comedians are so on the edge. Don't put us on a rooftop while we're performing in front of a bad crowd. You're either going to start throwing off little influencers

or jump off yourself. And then I leave to go to another show somebody hit me up to do, and it was like, it was 12 people in this warehouse. It was so fucking weird. And they were very nice. Like, they laughed really hard, but, I mean, Jesus Christ.

And then I went to the store store i went to the comedy store and uh was that same that was good that was really good i had a bunch of new material that i did and uh saw bobby lee bobby lee is back in the saddle he's killing it he's so funny so fucking funny all right back to sports. The Bears are at the Bucs next week. Okay. And so I don't know what the spread is yet, but okay. So the Dodgers, game five, the do or die game.

Last night, I also was sending you updates, texting you updates because you were on the roof threatening to jump off. The last play of the game, did you see it? No, I didn't. So tie game 1-1 going into the ninth inning. Dodgers are in San Francisco.

They've each won two games. This is the rubber match. Top of the ninth, the Dodgers go up by one. They score. So now all they need is three outs. Bottom of the ninth, Giants up. Giants get a man on first. So as all baseball fans know, you are only a grounder away from tying this game,

potentially, depending on where you hit the grounder. So, or any hit. And obviously a home run wins it. So there's two outs. Man at the plate, man on first, two strikes, outside pitch, it's a ball, the guy checks swings, they look up the first base line, first base umpire says he's swung, you're out, strike three. Series over.

It was not a swing. I have no dog in this fight. it was not a swing i have no dog in this fight it was not us all the announcers including ron darling you know famous mets pitcher all the announcers say that was not a swing really unanimous i mean everyone now dennis gubins, our friend Dennis, he's a San Francisco Giants fan. He is beside himself. And let's listen. Dennis usually saves his rage for minorities who are getting their vaccines before him. And he also saves it for the golf course. Exactly. He was like, I just give up because I guess there's like a history between these organizations and also bad calls. But it is another example. Was the game in San Francisco? Huh?

Was it in San Francisco? It was. Oh, they must have gone ape shit. No, they went crazy. And for good reason. Also, dude, here are some facts. So, dude, here are some facts. A fact is, no matter what, it was questionable and super close.

Even the ref admitted that. So at that point, you have to be like, I can't decide this playoff game. In other words, a call shouldn't do it. Unless it is really clearly a swing, I think I have to be like, I don't know. And if you don't know, you don't make the call. Yeah. But get this. Afterwards, the ref's name is Morales.

Morales told a pool reporter that, quote, check swings are one of the hardest calls we have. I don't have the benefit of multiple camera angles when I'm watching it live. When it happened live, I thought he went. So that's why I called it a swing. So Morales also said he had seen a replay of the last pitch and asked whether he still thought it was a swing. The crew chief, Ted Barrett, answered, this is a quote,

the crew chief Ted Barrett answered this is a quote yeah comma no we yeah yeah he doesn't want to say yeah I mean holy fucking shit yeah I'm looking at it right now that is a fuck. A check swing means that the bat moves ahead of your arms and hands, that your wrists break. He was not, it has to be beyond 180 degrees, and it was not even close. And I'm sure there's some rules like that it was a swing where you can't have it both ways. You could have hit that ball, and now you're pulling back because you see it's not a good pitch.

Right. Wow, that's crazy. And that is not the case. All right. Well, for you – by the way, you want to read this graphic? I can't read it, but I put it in the document. Somebody had a great Instagram post. Oh, yeah, this week I sent it to you guys.

I thought that was a really good one. By the way, this has nothing to do with anything. Don't expect this to be about – wait a minute with anything. Don't expect this to be about. Wait a minute. Yeah. Don't expect this to be about sports. So this guy, I want to give him credit. His name's Matt.

I think it's Matt Larson. And his handle is at Larson Matt number two, the numeral two. It's a perfect joke. too. It's a perfect joke. After 16 years of marriage, is finding out that your spouse sucked 100 plus dicks before getting hitched a big deal? Or is my wife just overreacting? Fucking love that. Yeah. All right. Let's do some science. Okay. Here's the long story that you didn't. Okay.

Physicists this week shattered the record for the coldest temperature ever achieved in a lab. And it turns out it was in the queen's pussy. Hey, now. We got jokes. I'm not saying her pussy is cold, but her tampons get freezer burn. Her pussy is so cold, the royal dildo is also an ice tray. Her pussy is so cold, Prince Philip went down on her in the 1930s and the royal guard had to separate his tongue from her clit using hot tea.

Dildo tea. Okay, they achieved the bone chilling. I think it's more than bone chilling. They achieved the bone chilling temperature of 38 trillionths of a degree above negative 273 Celsius by dropping magnetized. It was a real easy experiment. They dropped magnetized gas 393 feet down a tower. Okay, anyone who's stoned listening to this at this point should hold onto your hats. Temperature is a measure of molecular vibration. The more a collection

of molecules moves, the higher the collective temperature. Absolute zero then is the point at All molecular motion stops. It's minus 459.67 degrees Fahrenheit or minus 273.15 degrees Celsius. Scientists have even developed a special scale for blah, blah, blah. Near absolute zero, you ready for this? Things go a little sideways when it gets cold, Greg. Near absolute zero, some weird things start to happen. For example, this is an easy one. Light becomes liquid that can literally be poured into a container. Whoa.

That's amazing. Yep. Super cooled helium stops experiencing friction at low temperatures. And so, uh, they have witnessed at this cold temperature, they have even witnessed atoms existing in two places at once. So we're idiots who are like, Oh, but I'm sure they're like, so possibly maybe time travel is achievable at super cold temperatures? Isn't that what quantum physics is that explains that atoms can exist in two places at once?

Because I get so much pressure from you putting in long articles. I took that out. This is thrilling quantum physicists. Right. Because of exactly what you just said. So anyway, the coldest known natural place in the universe, again, the Queen's Pussy, is the Boomerang Nebula.

Where is this Boomerang Nebula? It's 5,000 light years from Earth, and its average temperature is negative 272 Celsius. How do they know that? How do they know that? How do they know? Not 270, 272. 5,000 light years away. But wait a minute.

It says that absolute zero is 273 degrees Celsius, and this place is 272 degrees Celsius. So it's one degree away from absolute zero. It's balmy. You go there. Everyone who's over at absolute zero, it's like going to Florida. Yeah, right. You retire there. Hey, I got to get out of here, man.

This winter's killing me. I'm going to the boomerang nebula. My tan has faded too much. But I don't, I mean, that means traveling the speed of light. It takes 5,000 years to get there. 5,000 years. Going the speed of light. Going the speed of light.

And they know the temperature there. Yeah. Maybe it's one of those thermometer guns. You know, those are pretty good. Yeah, those are good. Yeah, that kind of stuff. By the way, I'm not joking. I bet it is something like that.

I bet it's a laser that they shot there or something. But no, but that's the speed of light. It would be 5,000 years. I want to have dinner. I want to have dinner with like... Never mind back. Well, that's why I love Rogan's podcast is he'll have a scientist come on who can

actually explain... explain? We talked about Korea too much earlier. He can explain all this stuff to him and you can actually understand it. That's incredible. You're welcome.

Well done, Mike. You sold it. Here's incredible. You're welcome. All right. Well done, Mike. You sold it. Here's your business section. Cryptocurrency. For Chris and Charlie Brooks, finding lost passwords to cryptocurrency wallets requires figuring out how their client's mind works. And that effort can

help their customers retrieve a slice of what the pair estimates is about $4.7 billion worth of recoverable Bitcoin stranded in locked wallets. Ready for this? Nearly 40% of 1,000 U.S. crypto owners in a recent survey from CryptoAdvantage said they had lost wallet passwords. Oh, my God. CryptoAdvantage said they had lost wallet passwords. Oh, my God.

I freak out when I can't watch Hulu because I forgot. I don't know what the hell the password is. They estimate that about 20% of the 18 million existing Bitcoin appear to be lost or stranded. So a San Francisco-based programmer who couldn't find the wrong password to the hard drive that stored his 7,000 Bitcoin. After eight wrong guesses, he had two left to figure out the password before the virtual currency was likely lost forever. That's worth $350 million, and he's got two more cracks at it. And then it's locked forever. Well, it's so funny.

I'm reading the story as you're reading it and you, you rounded it down to 7,000 Bitcoin, but it's 7,002 Bitcoin. Just those two are worth over a hundred thousand dollars. Correct. Right. I can't, I mean,

honestly, when something now tells me, me uh that's the wrong password i just walk away well i mean it's like that's why i haven't bought bitcoin i had everybody telling me a year ago to buy bitcoin when it was at like 20 and i didn't do it now it's at 50 and uh but i but the reason i didn't do it was for the because of this exact thing i once sawed i had a bike lock that had the the twister the tumblers on it that you line up and uh i had to i had to get a saw i got a saw and sawed off the bike lock because i could not remember i have a safe in my garage with thirteen thousand dollars in cash in. I wouldn't say that out loud. And the battery died on the Tumblr.

Yeah, combination thing. You can't open it. You can't fucking open it. And it came with a key. You're supposed to have an emergency key. I know a lot of people were going to open it in the coming week. What's that? I know a lot of people were going to try to open it in the coming week. So I can't find the key, and it's just sitting there. So I'm going to have to find it in the coming week. So I've got, I can't find the key and it's just sitting there.

So I'm going to have to find somebody who's a safe cracker to get it open. Oh, I want to put this out to the podcast. I have a crypto guy, you know, he's so into it. He is begging me to buy this crypto called Rose. So right into the podcast. Sorry, Greg, you're going to get all this mail. Thoughts on Rose. It's very difficult to buy.

Like I'm already like, forget remembering a password. Just buying this crypto is an odyssey. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's called Rose and he's begging me. He's like, just the Winklevosses are backers and Coinbase founder is a backer. Wow. And soon you're going to be able to buy it on whatever the most popular way to buy this. I forget the name of it, but everyone knows it, where you buy your crypto. It's soon it's going to be on there. But with those backers, he's like, this is going to be huge.

Well, look, it's a pyramid scheme. And if you're sharp enough to grab it low and sell it high, the key is you've got to have a strike price. Like right now, if Bitcoin's at 50, you have to say, look, if it goes to 80, I make whatever, 30% of my money or 60% of my money. I sell it at that point. You have to sell. It's like being at the fucking blackjack table. You have to have a point that you will walk away. Otherwise, it will come down again. Well, maybe not if everyone keeps losing their passwords.

Right. You can't sell what you can't get to. Yeah. This day in history. Yeah, kid. Here we go. 1931. October 17th Al Capone goes to prison

he got 11 years for tax invasion it was the downfall of the most notorious criminal of the 1920s and 30s born in Brooklyn in 1899 to Italian immigrants he was expelled from school at 14 joined a gang and earned his nickname scarface after being sliced across the cheek during a fight

then he moved to chicago he ran johnny torio's illegal enterprises alcohol smuggling gambling prostitution um and then he took over after torio uh. Then Prohibition came and he made a shitload of money. He was the number one on the FBI's most wanted list by the 1930s. And he kept avoiding jail by bribing city officials, intimidating witnesses, hiding out. He wiped out all of his opponents in gangland battles and slayings, including the infamous St. Valentine's Day massacre when he gunned down seven rivals. Yeah. And in an alley, I think it was in Chicago, right? Yes. And then Elliot Ness, the FBI agent or was it CIA?

FBI led a team of officers known as the Untouchables because they couldn't be corrupted. Ness and his men routinely broke up Capone's bootlegging businesses, but it was tax evasion that finally stuck and landed Capone in prison. He began serving his time at the U.S. Penitentiary in Atlanta, but amid accusations that he was manipulating the system and receiving cushy treatment, he was transferred to Alcatraz, baby. Got out in 1939 for good behavior. And then he spent the final year

in prison in a hospital suffering from syphilis. Oh, so he got syphilis in prison. He got out... What's the part he got out early for good behavior? He got out in 1939 for good behavior. But he died in prison.

Did it say that? No, he died at his home in Palm Island, Florida at the age of 48. He was only 48. I just think about what I haven't achieved yet. A guy like that got so much done by 48. Yeah. You're referring to the syphilis? I mean, syphilis is really, whenever I see people having sex in any of these period piece movies,

all I can think is these two people are giving each other syphilis right now. There was so much gonorrhea and syphilis going on throughout history. Yeah. How did everybody not have it? I think also once he got out of prison, it was like, okay. He probably got good advice. Listen, you're

a very intense criminal with syphilis. There's only one place to go. Florida. He could have been this week's Florida man. He could have been this week's Florida man. He should have been this week's Florida man. Damn it. So he was Scarface. And I think that when they, you know, the original Scarface was made like back in the

40s. You know, there was a Scarface before the Al Pacino version that was about him. And then Pacino's Scarface was loosely based on this. No, no, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just remember De Niro's portrayal of him also. Oh, really? Yeah, in The Untouchables. Oh, right, right, right.

You know, I thought they were called The Untouchables not because they couldn't be corrupted, because they couldn't be killed. Like, how was Elliot Ness not killed? Capone killed everybody that got in his way. Yeah. I think they were hands off, though, with the FBI and the police. I don't think that they killed them. I guess because there's, I guess everybody, all the officials whose palms he was greasing, that would go away if he crossed that blue line, I guess.

Right. That has to be it. Let's do some letters to the editor, Mike. Okay, I can't wait. Okay, Cortland Coon said, you guys hit it right on the nail on the head with the Chappelle special. He had a valid critique of the pace at which the gay rights movement accelerated compared to that of the civil rights movement. But that critique is very nuanced and difficult to present in a comedy special. I don't agree with his critique. I think that civil rights movement paved the way for the queer liberation. I don't think Chappelle is a transphobe. I think he's an equal opportunity offender, as every successful comic is. I was not offended at the special,

but I was disappointed that he spent at least 75% of his material on LGBT content. As Mike said, Chappelle is beating a dead horse, and his critics need to move on. We in the LGBT community have a lot bigger problems to deal with than a comedian special. So thank you, Cortland. Very well said. I like that a lot. But not only because he agrees with me, but I will say, doesn't he have a right to be like, wow, look how accelerated this is. He even said like, hats off to you. Like he goes, it's, it's impressive. I mean, I think the line that really hit home was, um, it was easier for Caitlyn Jenner to transition into a woman than it was for

Muhammad Ali to switch his name to Cassius Clay. Yes. It is not exactly comparing apples to apples, of course. Um, Yes, it is not exactly comparing apples to apples, of course. Like, how hard would it be for Muhammad Ali to do that now when Caitlyn Jenner did it? Right. Maybe Caitlyn Jenner should change her name to Muhammad Ali and go back. Okay. to Muhammad Ali and go back.

Okay. The Fakening writes in and says, I'm a friend and work colleague of the VFX artist behind the Deep Tom Cruise account. Mike said corrections would roll in, but I thought I would write in to let you know Mike nailed it. He described- Wow, this is a pro Mike section of the podcast. He described quite accurately what was going on.

You guys are a lot closer to the deep fake community than you think. On the Kevin Bacon scale, your comedy world connections put you both only a single degree away from the best professional deep fake artists in the world right now. I'll let you figure out which of your comedy friends makes the connection. Don't think

for a second either of you are safe from being deep faked. Your days are numbered. Wait a minute. That's spooky. Is he saying there's a comedian right now doing deepfakes? Yes. Oh, I think he's talking about, what's his name? Used to date Sarah Silverman? Yeah, no.

His are really crude. He is so funny, though. Why am I forgetting his name? Yeah, no, no, I know. Oh, we're terrible. I'll get in a minute uh kyle kyle dunnigan yep his his if you have not watched his videos go to instagram right now and look up kyle dunnigan he does trump he does uh caitlin jenner the kardashians yeah they're hilarious biden but then i don't know if you watched 60 minutesutes last week, but they covered this story, the deep Tom Cruise.

They did? Yeah. Who covered the story? Mike Wallace? Get it? Ah, good one. Mike Wallace died, everybody, about 10 years ago. So it would be a deep fake doing the deep fake story.

But it was really scary because they said it's a matter of years until you can no longer trust any video. They actually took the guy it was the black guy from 60 Minutes and they did it to him. They used their computer generated scans

of his face and they made him say things that he's never said. And it looked very close to real. Wow. Yeah. Well, we're only a matter of time away before there's going to be in-person deep fakes, clones and like lookalikes that are so advanced. Well, think about the Steele dossier tape of the prostitute allegedly urinating on Donald Trump.

Like, in the next few years, if that surfaces, if it does exist, which it does, and it surfaces, in a few years he could just say, oh yeah, that's computer generated. Yeah. Or the left can get really sinister and they'll change the P to shit. Anything can be done, Greg. VFX.

Yeah. CGI. There was... No, we don't want to read that. Okay. Oh, this guy keeps talking about... We were talking about JJ earlier this week, and the consensus is that Greg Gutfeld beat Colbert,

or whoever was on at that time. And also Fox News watchers fall asleep with Fox News on, so the show plays until their TV, or until they wake up at 3 a.m. and shut off the noise. To go to the bathroom for the fourth time. Yeah. So that's probably a good point. People leave Fox News on.

Yeah. No. Trust me. Having done late night shows a lot in the 1230 time slot. Yeah. You're dying. You're dying for people to fall asleep during Letterman, so we would get a boost, so they wouldn't switch over to Conan.

It did not work. All right, let's do the funnies. Okay, here's the funnies. We got a letter from Andy Beach who said, There's no doubt that Blondie is physically as hot as pen and ink can get, but your spot on analysis of Dagwood's pathetic shortcomings have worked to expose the shortcomings of Blondie, who is clearly a spineless and damaged shell of a woman.

Now take it easy, Andy Beach. You got to understand this thing was, she was created back in the 30s. That's when she was born. And she was a flapper. And there was a different template for marriage back then. And they've stuck to it. But I get it. She should fucking divorce him.

But it doesn't take, he said, I'd still totally fuck her. But she's not the full package. Or cartoon wife material. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't marry Blondie. I'd love to see a fucking animation of you, Andy Beach. I'd like to see what kind of big dick energy you're bringing that you wouldn't marry Blondie. Listen, he'd totally fuck this drawing. So, I mean, that's nice.

Right. Brad Goss says, Greg has said dozens of times that he wants to be animated so he can bang Blondie. This would be easy to accomplish. Please have a Fitz Dogg banging Blondie contest with your listeners where they draw Fitz Dogg in sexual acts. You know what? No. I really don't want that.

And we're going to put it on a mug, and I'm going to vote that mug to the top despite what the real vote says. And it will literally, it won't be for drinking coffee. It'll be to vomit in when you look at the picture. Perfect. Michael says, my grandfather used to work for the Des Moines Register and when he had a heart attack,

the staff had gotten Bill Keen to draw a giant Get Well poster that the whole staff signed and gave to my grandpa. It's been framed and hung at my parents' house for as long as I can remember. The drawing was of the hottest nurse you've ever seen holding a stack of letters, leaning into a hospital room with a caption that reads, You're so popular, Mr. McNally. Say, what's a gold brick? Growing up, I always thought it was cool that we had a Bill Keen original hanging on the wall, and I had a lot of reverence for Family Circus as a result.

We had tons of volumes of Family Circus collections in my house, and I would read it constantly when I was young. I didn't understand a lot of the jokes as a kid and always figured it must be meant for older audiences that buy the paper. Thanks for the podcast. I now realize that the reason I didn't understand the jokes is that they weren't jokes

in the first place. Exactly. Egg. Exactly. Well, that was very sweet of him to take time out from playing 36 holes a day to write a cartoon

for this guy who had a heart attack. He probably did it in the golf cart. Yes. Between holes with no thought. Man, heart attacks back then were like a big deal. Now it's like my mom's heart surgery. It's just, yeah, she had it.

She'll be out of commission for a couple months, and then that's it. Except me who has the beginnings of blockage in the valve that the medical community refers to as the widow maker. I fooled them, though. I got divorced. So it's impossible. I can't make a widow.

All right. Let's do some cartoons. We'll start off with a little Hager the Horrible. He's sitting in a bar with this guy who's dressed in a suit which is unusual in the uh in the middle ages and uh all of a sudden out of frame there's a there's a a a dialogue that says there you are and the guy in the suit says oops hagger says your wife and they turn to the next frame and the wife is standing in the doorway, and he goes, almost.

But the reason I put this one in is look at the body on this fucking wife. Are you kidding me? She's got like 34 double D cups, a tight waist. She's fucking gorgeous. Did women look like that back then? Wait, what are you talking? Wait, what are you looking at? Oh, you can't see it. No, I can. Oh, are you talking about the bride in the doorway? Yeah. That's a dude. No, it's not. I think that's what almost means. It's like almost a wife. Yeah, but what about the breasts?

Dude, look at the, you're attracted to that? Look at the arms. Look at the face. Well, she's got a veil on over half the face. She's very angry. She's very angry. Look at the hands. The telltale sign.

Look at the hands. There's no Adam's apple. No one has an Adam's apple. It's a cartoon. So you think that there's breast implants in the 11th century? The 11th century, I don't think they have a bottle with writing on it like that. He's wearing a necktie.

Yeah. He's in a suit. Right, that's true. Come on, Greg, suspend a little something here. All right. Let's do some Lockhorns. We're on fire this week. Holy shit.

First, Leroy is looking at his cell phone, and Loretta's in the background talking to her friend, who's always nonplussed. And she says, The only followers Leroy has on social media are bill collectors. A joke. Just a solid joke media are bill collectors. A joke. Just a solid joke. Just a good, solid joke.

It's a joke. It's an effort. And I love that over the course of the week, he is fair. It's fair play. He goes after her as much as she goes after him. It's back and forth. So the next day, Loretta leaves the dinner table and walks away. And Leroy says to his friend, Loretta's pork chops are bad to the bone.

And then on Sunday, she says to him, how will you know when I'm not speaking to you if you're never listening? him how will you know when i'm not speaking to you if you're never listening um and then he comes home drunk he's got a big red nose and she's got a piece of paper in her hand it's late at night and she goes very creative i don't have that one on my excuse bingo card you should pace yourself with these two and one a week one a week. Two a week. Too many? Well, no, no. It's not too many. It's just they're all good.

Yeah. But they're going to run out. I know. No. This is the week's. I only look at the past week's cartoons. Oh, really? Yes.

That's how good this guy is. Wow. Let's get to a little family circus. We really shouldn't. So during this podcast, I realized I hadn't looked it up for some reason, maybe because it's a Friday. So anyway, I just ran, got today's, pasted it in here. And what a colossal waste of time that was. waste of time that was the little shitty kids there with the red hair. And he has his, he's, he's holding his arm and you can see there's a bruise or scratch on it. And he's showing it to his sister staring right at it and his pie hole is open. So he is saying, quote, would you, would you believe that's not ketchup or jelly, but a real hurt?

End quote. And real hurt is in all caps, like it's funny. Right. Like that's the joke. He wants you to know the punchline. If you have to bold, here's the thing about comedy writing that I learned a long time ago. If you have to bold or use exclamation points, it's not good writing. Would you believe this is my comic this week? And she's like, no,

no. It is a real hurt. Every week, every week, it's a real hurt reading these. Every week, you hurt people with these comics. You have blood on your brain from reading that comic. Yeah. Not ketchup. Real hurt. It's disgusting. I would like to put more blood on that fucking kid.

Oh, the poor kid. He's just a creation of the laziest creator ever. Speaking of creating Jesus Christ Blondie this week. Can you just take a look, take a look at her waist. She's wearing slacks, but look at her waist. See how you can see a little bit of blue between her arm and her waist.

Look how thin it is. And then the bosom explodes it's a shelf it's almost hard to imagine how she can how she can hoist those things up so they're sitting on the couch asshole's got the remote in his hand of course control freak he's got one hand in his pocket just to just to be even lazier than than than you would normally be on a couch she goes honey why don't we turn off the TV for a change and just talk about our day? And Dagwood goes, now you're talking.

Hits click. They sit in silence. Stoned silence. It's the fucking, what was that cold temperature that he go to? Absolute zero? Exactly. His absolute zero personality comes out, what was that cold temperature that he got to? Absolute zero? Exactly. His absolute zero personality comes out,

and there is no molecular movement between either one of their spirits. It's a dead marriage. Third frame. He turns the TV back on, and she goes, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have a little background noise while we talk. And he goes, yep, sounds good. Now, you can either read that as a light-hearted sad or you can look at it as the deepest saddest existential moment

in a marriage of course that's what it is i would why wouldn't he throw a move on her greg that's my question that's what i'm saying and the second what I'm saying! And the second that TV went off, my fucking leg would go over the top of her. I would dry hump her until she squealed. Wait, okay. So now we all have learned the definition of your phrase, throw a move on someone. That's how you throw a move. You throw the leg over the top. That's where it starts. And you dry hump. And you dry hump. Until they squeal. I used

to dry hump so much I would get scabs on my penis. I was a dry hump maniac when I was a teenager. I told you the joke I've been trying for to figure out for 30 years, but that it's dry humping. It's like, oh, no, I thought you made it all the way. Oh, no, we were having sex.

What? But I refer to sex as dry humping. It's like, oh, no, I thought you made it all the way. Oh, no, we were having sex. What? But I refer to sex as dry humping. It's self-deprecating. I don't get it. Penis in the vagina, but I refer to that as dry humping. Why? My daughter's home from school today, by the way. Why?

Because she's not wet? Exactly, Greg. Oh, God, Jesus. I think another 30 years you're going to have something there. You probably want a Dan Brown sugar. 30 years working on that. That's great. Yeah. Congratulations.

I got a little more time. I got a little more time. All right, listen, Mike, I'm off for Oxnard. By the time this comes out, I will have already done my shows in Oxnard, but you can look for dates coming up in San Fran and then Portland, Lexington, Kentucky. It's all at FitzDawg.com. And don't forget to pick up a mug. Go to FitzDawg.com or SundayPapers.net. Pick them up now. They're $15.

Shipping might cost you another $10 to $15 depending where you live, but it's totally worth it. What a smile on the face of your loved one who watches Sunday Papers when they open up that gift on Christmas. Pre-order it now and enjoy it. I'm heading to Graceland for a wedding this weekend. Nice. Yes. Solid. Wheeler Walker Jr.

Yep, I'm going to check out Memphis. Never been. Never been to Tennessee, I don't think. So I'm going to go to Memphis, check that out. And then from there, go to Florida to see my dad. So here I come, Florida men. But I'll be home in time

for the podcast next week. Your dad is going to have so much fun playing golf with you. Yeah, I know. I better watch out what I ask for. So we'll see. Yeah. It's hot down there still. It's very hot down there.

Yeah. All right. How's your mom doing? Mom's doing good. She's walking up and down the block a little bit, and her spirits seem good. I was worried because a couple people wrote to me and they said after major heart surgery a person can can get depressed or angry my dad got angry did he yeah yeah how long did which for a guy you know his sadness

usually how long did it last and fear um i'll let you know when i sadness usually. How long did it last? And fear. I'll let you know when I see him this weekend. It might be gone. Yeah. I'm kidding. No, no, no, no. I'm kidding. It didn't last long. A lot of it was in the hospital when he, I think, felt like, you know, really, I don't

know what word I could use, but, you know, really vulnerable. Yeah. And really, you know, set back, set back physically a lot. And it was also, listen, it's a giant shot fired across their bow, you know, in terms of mortality. Yeah. So I think a lot of it comes from that. He had a very short, like, temper. But I totally, I totally get that.

So, yeah, it's good that you're aware of that with your mom. Yeah, but so far she's in very high spirits. I think she's got a gratitude about life and an appreciation for everybody, all the love that she got during it. So she's doing okay. It was only immediately during it because then you see encouraging signs. So I think your mom's over the hump. Yeah, I think so. I think she, you know, she's ready to get back to Florida,

go back to Florida in a few weeks. And then, uh, I think we're going to go visit her, uh, once she gets down there. Perfect timing. That's great. All right. Give my love to your dad. And, um, I will, uh, see you guys. See you next week. Midcoast Media, thank you for your engineering, your producing, your marketing, everything you do for Sunday Papers. We appreciate Key and Beth

and the great Chris Denman. And I guess we'll see you next week. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-h now. All about it Come on and read All about it Come on and read All about it

Come on and read All about it Come on and read all about it