Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 88 11/7/21

Episode Date: November 7, 2021

We recap going to the Dead show on Halloween and reminisce about Greg taunting Mike that he was running 15 minutes behind Gumby at The NYC Marathon. QAnon predicts JFK Jr will announce Trump is still president and one compelling reason you should not keep a hippo as a pet. 

I was a dry hump maniac. Extra, extra, read all about it. Hot news coming in fast. sounding one ever that was technically the worst sounding one ever pete davidson kim kardashian will we talk about it who knows you gotta buy the paper to read it we don't know chris supposedly is adding the story right now as we're talking yeah he suggested it i don't know if we're gonna do it because look pete day i always feel bad i don't want to go after a fellow comedian. And, you know, but what am I going to shit on Pete Davidson?

I don't know the guy. Never met him. I kind of like him. I used to find him a little bit annoying because it was a little like the, hey, I want to involve everybody in my self-destruction. You know, a little bit of that. Yeah, a little bit of that. But I think he's matured. And, you know, he a standup. I, you know, I liked a lot of the

specialized. So he had that great point about, uh, you know, what's her face who wrote the song about him. Right. And then like, she said some quote, like, um, uh, you know what, you know, he had terrible guy to date, but you know, good, you know, but he had, he had nice, you know what, you know, terrible guy to date, but, you know, good, you know, but he had a nice, you know, he had a nice dick and, you know, that got kind of famous. But he did a great thing, which was, okay, imagine if I said this similar comment about her. Imagine if I was like, horrible person to date, but she had a good pussy. Yeah. Forget it. Time to move to another country. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. You can't talk about a woman's vagina. It's not done. It's not done. Like, and I'm a guy who like, look, total double standard. I'm progressive. I'm nice. I'm decent. I'm a father.

You're Prague. Everyone says it. But I'm also like, there's a part of me that's like a dirty guy. But I have never talked about a woman's vagina to another man. And that's why I'm going to start today. Now, it's weird. It's a very personal thing to talk about. But women do talk about guys' dicks, don't they?

I don't think nearly as much as we think you know that there i slept with uh several comedians in new york who went out and started telling other comics that i had a big dick three different ones all said the same thing i doubt they did it more than you talked about your own big dick it's important that these messages stay current and so i went on tough crowd with colin Quinn, and I was backstage, and Colin came up to me and he goes, so Fitzsimmons, I'm hearing you got a big dick. Let's see it.

So I'm standing there with Greg Giraldo and a bunch of other people, and I unzipped it and I whipped it out. And you know it's big when you say whip. I whipped it out. Yeah, you know how to tell a story. You know how to create an it and I whipped it out. And you know it's big when you say whip. I whipped it out. Yeah, you know how to tell a story. You know how to create an image. I get it. And a woman was standing there and she saw it.

Yep. An African-American woman. And she said, whoa, yeah. And that was it. And I was a made man. And we went on Tough Crowd that night. And Colin talked about it on the show on national TV. Wow.

And I will always be indebted. Basic cable. Let's just keep it in perspective. Yeah, okay. 25 people saw it. You don't think it's also with you that there's a surprise element that also makes it a juicy story? Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Because as you describe, you have a, how do you describe your situation naked? I look like a 13-year-old girl with a huge penis. That's it. I'm so glad I didn't attempt that. That's exactly what it is. So I think there's that going on also. Yeah, it's a sleeper for sure. And it's a nice thing. You know,

I think women, I think women appreciate it, but, but one of the women was complaining about it because she had a hard time having sex with me because of the size. Wow. But I was also trying to do anal with her now. Right now. And she was underage. Alright, this is such a strong start to our podcast. What the hell is going on? Look, let's talk about the elephant in the living room. We went to the Grateful Dead show. We talked about it last week. Also, it's Tuesday.

Yes, we're doing this. That's the real elephant in the room. So if we feel off our game, it's because we are. We're both going away this week and very busy. Mike's taking multiple flights. And I'm going to be in San Francisco with my wife doing shows and seeing people. And so we're recording this early.

But we went to the Grateful Dead on Sunday night. We sure did. With seven of us drove in a car. And then we met up with your sister and a bunch of other people. So we had a gang of people. Oh, my God, so much fun. So much fun. Great show.

It's kind of a thing that changes your mood for, I mean, it's been a couple days, and I'm still high from it. I'm still, like, buzzing from it. Yeah. And it's not just. It was the last stop on their tour. It was Halloween night in the Hollywood bowl. The dead show is usually, uh, the, like an amazing people watching

experience no matter what. And then you layer Halloween on top of it. So I, you know, so we took a lot of drugs. So anyway, I'm walking around and you did not, you sat in your chair. It was like Aaron, it was like Aaron wheeled you in and was taking care of a 90 year old man. And you didn't even get up and go over and say hi to my sister who was four rows away. That was because I was saving. Well, first of all, you should mention I was dancing the entire four hour show, but they take a half hourhour intermission, at which point I sat, but we were going to lose our, they weren't our seats. They were good seats, and I didn't

want to lose them, so I didn't want to get up, and I should have. And then you told your sister that I was having a bad trip, which I was not. I was having an amazing time. I panicked. I couldn't think of what to explain why my friendly friend Greg wasn't coming over to say hi. It was weird.

Look how sweet Erin is. She's staying with him. And then she blew me a kiss like I was a fucking, like one of Jerry's kids or something. Well, okay. Also, here's the image. You're sitting there in your chair, right? And you're just sitting there very, very listless. You are wearing overalls.

Pinstriped overalls. Yeah, jean, like denim striped overalls. A blue wig and the weirdest hat ever. Well, it was a matching pinstriped hat. It went with the overalls. It was a train engineer outfit. Okay, so you eventually at some point in that explained to me that for Halloween you've gone as Casey Jones. Driving that train.

The whole night. High on cocaine. The whole night I thought you were Raggedy Ann. That's not even a joke. Raggedy Andy, asshole. She had red hair. He had blue hair. Oh, I don't even know that.

I just thought you were a female doll. Whatever name you want. I know there's labels these days and everything. I thought you were a female doll. And you dressed, as I said last night, as yourself in eighth grade, which means exactly the way you dress now as a 54-year-old man. It's my costume every day since eighth grade. Yeah. Exactly. So I'm walking around, though, and you see some Cree as you'd imagine some. So like,

did you see the two mushrooms walking around? No. And, you know, really nice. Like it looked like, you know, proper, you know, costume. So the mushroom heads were like the big red ones with the white circles all over it. Like, you know, something out of like, you know, Alice in Wonderland, like type mushroom artwork. And everyone pointing at him with wide eyes because the whole place is on mushrooms. Like, oh my God. But dude, I went, first I went down to the bathroom. Bathroom was hysterical.

So I would text you guys from wherever I was. I'm like, it's all about the men's room. Like, because in the men's room, like everyone was kind of silent. And you know, it it's all about the men's room. Like in the men's room, like everyone was kind of silent. And you know, it's like a typical stadium men's room. I don't know, 40 urinals, at least 40. And all of a sudden guys like they're bringing it tonight. Like all of a sudden, everyone just started singing whatever their favorites. And it was just a cacophony. It was hysterical. And then I'm walking back up the side of the Hollywood bowl and coming down, you know, that's a steep walkway

on the sides of the Hollywood bowl. It's really steep coming down. Like pretty quickly is, uh, this guy and he has a, and he has a big like thing over his head. I'm like, what is this costume? What is it? And he has a big net. And then I'm like, oh, my God. He is a beekeeper. And running in circles around him is his girlfriend dressed as a bee. I love it. It was perfect. And he's chasing her.

Yeah. There was a guy who showed up. Did you see the guy? And he had like a green and yellow day glow suit with a tie and it had like frogs on it. No. Older guy. He had a gray beard, gray hair. I mean, there was a lot of old people.

What was cool is it was a lot of young people, too. It was a total mix. Yeah. And so they're grooving. They come in and they look cool. They look like they belong there. They were tripping. They were like dancing like, you know, like with the hand wave dance, the dead dance.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden I see a paramedic show up and she was fucking down. She just she went a little too far and they got a stretcher and it wasn't even like a flat stretcher. It was like a tarp they put her it looked like they put her in a body bag and just like six guys each grabbed sheets and and took her away best part guy in the suit it was like sayonara sweetie see you home stayed stayed it's like a soft stretcher i guess in a way a way. So, you know, they have intermission. Then they come back, they do some songs.

And in the second set, in the middle, they have drums and space, which can be ominous. Like it was, and it was Halloween. So I think they put more of an ominous spin than usual. But like, that's when you start. So you're three quarters of the way through. That's when you start to see the people who take the wrong turns with the drugs. If that's going to happen, that's when you see it. So when I'm walking around during drums in space, you know,

there were some people struggling, let's just say that. They had, like, walked out of the stadium, and, you know, they're just crying alone. That's all. They take a seat, like, on a grassy part, like, you know, on a hill or near a hot dog stand and they're just having their moment uh not a good moment yeah so that was happening there was a guy standing next to me that i was uh i was having a great time with you know because he was very knowledgeable

about the dead like some of the and he came alone a lot of people go alone oh yeah and so he was and so at one point i had a joint, uh, somebody passed me a joint and I passed it to him and he goes, no, no, no, no, man, I'm sober. And so I pat him on the back and I go, good for you. Good for you. You're like, so am I. So am I technically. And so we're going on and like each song, he'd be like, Oh my God, sugar Magnolia, they haven't played this since like 2008 in Arizona. And so then like this guy comes up to him who's like, you know, some of these deadheads have a hard edge to them. Like they're sort of like, you know, gruff and they look like maybe they've been touring with the dead too long. And this guy runs up to him and they're old friends. And cut to like a half hour later, Aaron's tapping me on the shoulder.

She's pointing at the guy and he's got a fat joint and he is sucking on that joint. It took like six hits. And I was like, all right, I guess that's all it took. All right. Which brings us to, so Pete and Duds are really good friends. I went to high school with them and then they were Greg's roommate in college. And that's how I met you. So Peter and Dudley are up from Atlanta and, uh, they, Pete was supposed to go with his brother the night

before. So, um, a Saturday night. And, um, and so his brother bail. So Peter and Dudley both go to the show. So same thing, joints being passed back and forth. Pete's like, every time a joint came by me, I took a drag. And every time I thought, well, that's the last joint that's going by. And it just kept happening. Cut to he texts Dudley, dude, I'll be in the car. And it was halfway through the show.

So, Dud's like, what? So Dud just stays the whole rest of the show. Gets back to the car, which is all the way down Highland or whatever and down towards Hollywood Boulevard. And there's Pete completely passed out in the car, just snoring away. Keep in mind, he flew to L.A. for the concert. Yeah.

So cut to Sunday night. We're all there together. And I'm standing next to Dudley. And all of a sudden, the joint starts going down the line. standing next to Dudley and all of a sudden the joint starts going down the line and Duds in a very paternal protective way leans forward and goes no no no no no don't hand it to Pete don't hand it to Pete I'm like wow good looking out Duds that's pretty cool he's like yeah I gotta protect Pete and I just sat there for a second I'm like good job protector uh it was great and we you know I was surprised I had the energy because we went to see the Chargers during the day.

Yeah, all of us, Peter and Dudley, you and me. And, yeah, it was a long day. It was a long-ass day. And what a game we missed. Yeah, we left early because they were so paranoid that we were going to get to the dead late that we left in the third quarter of what turned into an amazing game. I think that's why we put so many substances

in our body, because all of a sudden we felt like our dads. Like, I don't know about you, my dad would take me to these incredible Yankee games and like, beginning of the eighth inning, alright, let's beat traffic. I'm like, it's a fucking playoffs, what? Right, right, right.

Yeah, but I'm glad we got there early we got a time to chill the people watching was supreme um yeah and then uh what else uh oh i just put this little thing in here to remind me but you know last night we were all at dinner before uh peter and dudley left and um uh we left. And we were talking about, we were talking about the world series, the, the 87. It can't because there's that new 86, 86.

There's that new special. And I got to find it here. Anyway, there's a new special and it's called four days in October. So people should try this. See what happens to you. I, on my iPhone, in Safari, typed four days with the number four, though. I didn't write out F-O-U-R.

So four days and four suggestions came up. One was four days. I got to do it now. I'll do it right now. See if it happens live again. I should have been prepared. Sorry. So here we go was four days. I got to do it now. I'll do it right now. See if it happens live again. I should have been prepared. Sorry. So here we go. Four days. By the way, this was the Red Sox Mets World Series

in 86. Happened again. It's right here. You can see it. The first one, it just repeats four days, which is what I typed. The next one is four days late period. The third one is four days late period. The third one is four days movie.

I wouldn't even be talking now if it weren't for the fourth one. And there's only four. Four days of diarrhea. So this is what I need to know. Is this me? Is this Google who's figured? Because I don't get diarrhea.

I've never Googled diarrhea. I've never Googled what to do. I have an iron stomach. I can't even spell it. Yeah. No one can spell it. Oh, of course. But if you put in your phone right now four days, tell me what Bob says.

Okay. All right. Yeah. Numeral four days, tell me what pops up. I'm going to see what it says. Okay. All right. Yeah. Numeral four, days. That's all you need to type. Don't even put a space after days. What are the suggestions below it? Probably four days showing my penis to Colin Quinn.

Four days. It shows me... It shows me the movie first. You put number four, not F-O-U-R. I put the number four. Four days before. No, it's you. Mine just says

four days Netflix, four days 2021. All right. I want to hear what the viewers do. Why on earth? Why on earth? All right, anyway. By the way, I had an awkward thing today because I asked you because I figured we'd drive together.

Chris is saying he says the same thing. Oh, wow. Okay. You're the weird one. I asked Mike if he would. I figured we'd car ride, car share tonight. And I said, do you want to go to Eric's birthday party together, Eric Lederman? And then I realized you weren't invited. Well, because I told you I had no idea what you were talking about.

Because you weren't invited. Yeah, I know, but you didn't realize that until I told you. I didn't realize that. I just assumed because, you know, we're both good friends with him. Well, you've kept more in touch and all that stuff. Yeah. I don't know.

He was very into me when I was married to a Jew, and maybe because that's no longer going on, he doesn't think I'm tribe friendly or something. I don't know. Yeah. I guess I still got my Jewish wife. I've still got my papers.

What is he doing out here? I have no idea. I just got an invite that he's having a birthday party. And of course, it's downtown, which is the most annoying fucking thing. And it's such an indication that somebody is from New York, that that's where they would have their party, because nobody in L nobody in LA that I know goes downtown. You go to Hollywood, you go to the West side. All the hipsters go down there. It's a foodie cat. It's the foodie center of LA. It's very hipster. And I'm having dinner first with a kid who I went to high school with this

kid, Tom. And he was kind of a goofy guy not that you know not seemingly like a bright guy not not dumb but like he didn't jump out at you as like an intelligent person and uh super sweet dude and uh he went to wall street and he started a hedge fund and his hedge fund is worth four something billion dollars he's a billionaire my friend's a billionaire and he's taking me to dinner tonight at uh craigs which is that do you know that's that is douchebag central is it oh yeah but it's a big pickup scene you'll see a lot of like uh fancy dressed women going in there alone it's like yeah it's like well it's a lot of celebrities right yeah but it's more like uh let's see if there's any women out there looking to meet me you You know, it's like a pickup joint in a

phrase, but it's of the douchey Hollywood type. Well, there's no question about it. Last time I was in there, I got tackled by Kato Kaelin. I wish I were joking because we work together. I put him on Tosh as that keyboard cat. I made Kato Kaelin dress as a cat. That's great. Well, maybe Andy Dick will tackle me.

It's very similar, exactly. Yeah. And then, all right, so let's get going. We got a lot to get to. The song, there's a war. There's a war going on. If you enjoyed today's song, it was from John Cabrera, who I believe this is his 10th song on the show. He's a ringer.

So he has an album. An album is 10 albums, 10 songs. So he's got an album. And they're all extremely high quality and they're groovy and they're different. But then another guy comes along, Tony Cacase, who's given us songs. I don't know how many he's given us, but he's given us a bunch over the last year and a half. So he basically said he wanted to start a beef with John Cabrera. So he talked some shit about him last week. And then Cabrera came back and answered him,

and there was a whole war going on social media between them. But then Rob Dukes, who's my buddy from Generation Kill. Forget about it. Yeah, and I mean, this guy's a legendary punk, not punk, a metal guy. And he wrote, Greg and Mike, if the gauntlet is thrown down, challenge accepted. Generation Kill is going to crush those fucks with a song. Beware.

We are like Hager the Hero. We are going to come in and rape and pillage and leave no one alive. Rob Dukes. Such an unmetal thing to say. You'd think he'd be like, you know what? They're probably better. Alright, so we're waiting on something from Rob now. better. All right.

So we're waiting on something from Rob now. So, and by the way, don't feel intimidated by this other songwriters, because we enjoy something that was made on your cell phone while you were high in the back of your friend's car with a harmonica. I was going to make one. Look at this.

There you go. You know, I can't play guitar, but I wrote a song. You want to hear it? Yeah. All right. The name of the song is called Safest Driver in the World.

You ready? Yeah. Old Asian woman in a Volvo. That's all I got. That was it. But listen, it's, you know,

it's a, that first step is the hardest. All right. So we want to thank him for the song. Also, the logo this week was very cool. That is, who did the logo this week?

Oh my God. Chris literally just Googled and found Kato Kaelin is apparently constantly outside of Craig's. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. There's a picture. Just put it in the document. That's hilarious. Gasper Hernandez did this week's logo, The Blondie, which was their album.

I believe that was Parallel Lines, which Blondie had two albums. Of course it was. That were fucking stellar. Two perfect albums where every fucking track was great yeah and that was one of them well you know it's funny so there's blondie replacing blondie and then we're two of the guys in those suits and i looked at it and it's small on my computer and i'm like oh my god did he put in uh the pulp fiction guys did he he put in Jackson and Tarantino? That would have been pretty funny because those are the exact suits.

Yeah. Corrections this week. JJ said the really famous balloon festival in New Mexico is in Albuquerque. I used to live there, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if there's a balloon festival in Taos, but if there is, it is nowhere in the stratosphere of the international balloon fiesta in Albuquerque. And yeah, my mom used to go to that. That would be the thing to take mushrooms and go see. Are you shitting me?

I don't know about that. All right. They don't move quickly. Yeah. Wouldn't you be rooting for an occurrence, which is not the thing to do when you're watching a balloon festival? Well, here's the thing about you. We're all like,

everybody's getting in the mood for the dead. Everybody's eating shrooms and smoking pot. And then we get there, and type A Mike is like, okay, we got to go up to the left side. They're texting with three people. We cut this line. We run around this line. We get in here. Get the app so we can download the... We can get street meat on the app. It'll save us time. You're like a fucking lunatic. I don't like waiting. Oh, but here's the difference. First of all, you're probably

feeling chiller because you're dressed like Raggedy Ann. Secondly, you had already taken mushrooms. I didn't take mine yet. I wanted to get in. I wanted to get a drink and the lines, give me credit. The lines were ridiculous. The wanted to get a drink. And the lines, give me credit, the lines were ridiculous. The lines were ridiculous. Yeah, it was an hour wait to get in because they were checking for COVID. Who wants that buzz hassle? Are you kidding me? Yeah. It was a lot. No way. So anyway, I found the shortest line. I got in, took my shrooms, got a drink. Everything was great. Yeah. And you were just a patient little raggedy Ann. Danny Keith said you confused intersex with transgender.

I thought you did. An intersex person literally physically has both male and female sex organs. I believe that's also called a hermaphrodite, right? I'm guessing probably not anymore. It's a little bit like when you're talking about the Netherlands and you go, but wait, it's also Holland and they speak Flemish. Oh, God. That's where we're at.

This sounds like it's triggering a lot of corrections for next week if you ask me. The mug is on sale. I think we sold out on the first shipment of them. Wow. But you can order them now. You will still get them before Christmas, way before Christmas. It'll take about three weeks. But go to the website, FitzDawg.com or SundayPapers.net.

Get yourself a Sunday Papers mug. Enjoy the show in style. Nice gift for the holidays. And then also, if you, look, I live in Venice. Crime is up. I want to feel safer. And the best way to do it is to work with our friends at Simply Safe. They're giving our listeners 40% off their award-winning home security.

They have everything, indoor, outdoor cameras, comprehensive sensors, monitor around the clock, train professionals. And they help you the instant. I got to tell you something. I live in Venice. It's 45 minutes before the cops show up if you call them wait wait that's if they show up if they show up at all so um i've i've had uh an experience where um we had to call them recently and yeah we just gave up we just gave up they the cops didn't come. So I'm signing up with SimpliSafe now because it's going to give my family and me. I mean, I got my family there. I want to feel safe. I want to feel protected. SimpliSafe was named the best home security of 2021 by U.S. News and World Report. They have the biggest discounts of the year. You can get a complete home security system starting at just over $100. What are they going to steal from you? I think it's going to be more than $100.

It's crimes up everywhere, man. Are you kidding me? Even just for the sense of security. No long-term contracts. So take advantage of SimpliSafe's holiday sale and get 40% off your new home security system by visiting SimpliSafe, which is S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash papers. Again, that's SimpliSafe dot com slash papers for 40% off your entire system.

Hurry. This offer ends soon. Also, not too early to start your Christmas shopping, people, and start with your loved one's earbuds. Get some earbuds from Raycon. They're great, right? Yep, they're great. They're wireless. They stay in there.

They have a good sound. I have the bass mode on mine, which fills out that tinny sound that all these compressed music files have. It's great. I had the other leading brand, which is the expensive one that costs literally twice as much as Raycon. There is no difference.

And, you know, I basically leave them in most of the day because I do phone calls on them. When I go to bed, I listen to my books on tape because they're comfortable enough in your ear that you can actually lay down with your head on the pillow and have them in. So do it. Go to buyraycon.com slash papers today to unlock exclusive deals up to 20% off your Raycon order. But hurry, this offer is available for a limited time only and you don't want to miss it. limited time only and you don't want to miss it. That's buyraycon.com slash papers to unlock

up to 20% off your Raycons. Buyraycon.com slash papers. They're already reasonable. Now you're getting 20% off. It's crazy. They're giving them away. Alrighty. Let's get to our first section called No Shit. This is the No Shit section. It's a very big Tuesday, Virginia.

It's election day and the polls are showing a dead heat between McAuliffe and Youngkin. In a related story, NBC News poll, 50% of Republicans doubt their vote will be counted accurately. Wow. So this can only go well. Oh, my God. What a fucking crime. The fact that there has been a conspiracy theory launched on this country that our voting is not intact is going to destroy the fucking country. It's unforgivable what Trump did on his way out. Listen, in fairness, I remember what that feels like when the Supreme Court decided

the election for Bush and Gore conceded. But I remember those hanging chads, dangling chads, whatever the hell they were called. I mean, if you don't know what happened in Florida, if you're too young, you wouldn't believe it. They would hold up a ballot and a Republican and a Democrat were watching the poll stir like a hawk and if it was punched for gore, I remember, but the part that they punched was still hanging on the other side, kind of like tests we used to take where you just have to punch holes in your answers. If it was still hanging but it was punched through and you could see through it, they called BS and it became a meme, if you will, before there were memes of the, were they called hanging or dangling chads?

Hanging. Hanging chads. I think so. I could be wrong. What they were called. They're like, you are not counting that. And everyone was like, are you insane? So I remember having that very, very bad feeling that votes for Democrats were not being counted.

Now, Gore conceded. And a lot of people, you know, have a problem with that. And the country moved forward. And here we are 20 years later. And I've kind of let go of that. I don't think there, I believe there's not widespread fraud. I believe countless court cases where they have decided that there's not widespread fraud. I believe countless court cases where they have decided that there's not widespread fraud and that they're actually rather impressively run. There hasn't been a single verified study of voter fraud that has come back and said that there's any problems.

But my point is it's not just the right who feel they've been burned by this. The left famously felt burned by this. The difference is the left said, for the good of the country, I am going to let this proceed even though it's likely I won. Because I don't want there to be conflict. And then the Supreme Court voted, should we stop this recount? Yep, we're going to stop it. Yeah. Anyway, let's not get partisan.

Let's not get partisan. No, it's all right. Everyone's doing well, man. Let's go to the front page. Good luck, Virginia. Virginia. Sweet Virginia. Extra!

Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right, Front page. Hiker lost for 24 hours. I should have written this a different way. Okay. So a hiker's lost.

He's in the woods. And he's lost badly. And he can't find his way back. And he keeps trying to find the trail ahead. And he is looking and looking. And while he's looking looking his phone keeps ringing and when it rings he sees an unidentified number and he's like fuck that and he doesn't answer over and over again and it was the rangers calling him because he had not checked in again and they knew he was

lost and he's like he's like this is I need. I got no fucking food. I'm freezing. And now I got AT&T calling me to see if I want to upgrade my package. Is this my ex? Did she get another number? It's not worth it. It's not worth it. I can't answer. The subject stated that they'd lost the trail around nightfall and spent the entire night searching for the trail. And once on the trail, bounced around onto different trails trying to locate the proper trailhead. Lake County Search and Rescue searched multiple areas for the hiker but could not find the person.

Multiple attempts to contact the subject via their cell phone were unsuccessful. That's what the official statement said. Well, I'll tell you something. I have gotten more fucking spam calls in the last three months. I get four or five a day. And I downloaded a spam filter onto my phone, an app that I researched it. I downloaded the best filter. And then, you know, with an iPhone, they've got a, they've got a, uh,

internal one, but it's not working. Well, now you're getting all these calls from that filter company saying, do you want to upgrade? Do you want to upgrade? Uh, but if you're lost, cause I know how terrifying that can be and you can get lost. I mean, obviously we hear about people, uh, unfortunately dying all the time because they've gone off the trail and they can't get out so imagine like the corpse is found and it's like 14 missed calls yeah right it's insane um all right I found this story I thought it was kind of interesting a woman convinced her husband that he had Alzheimer's, that he had Alzheimer's.

And the police say she stole six hundred thousand from him over time. Donna Marino's husband just wanted to go into the bank, but his wife insisted it wasn't a good idea. Last time he had caused this scene, she reminded him,ed that his Alzheimer's disease would lead to more trouble, he agreed not to go in. For approximately 20 years, Connecticut police say Marino stole money from her husband, cashing in on his pension checks, workers' compensation payments, and Social Security income. To cover her tracks, she convinced the now 73-year-old man he had Alzheimer's. track she convinced the now 73 year old man he had alzheimer's so uh the daughter of the man because it wasn't her mom this was the second wife finally caught on to all this and uh looked at the finances and found documents so that's how the gig finally was up yeah i think when you when

you're the husband and you're sitting home and you're eating cat food and you're watching fucking basic cable and then your wife goes, I got to run out for a little while and there's a stretch limo out front, something's going on. But then you're like, I guess I'm just going to forget it, right? Yeah. But let that be a warning. If your wife, I'm talking to anybody out there, if your wife ever tells you, no, silly, we already went to the bank and you don't remember it. You didn't go to the bank. Keep an eye on that bitch. Yeah. Or me, or maybe, you know what? Just all of a sudden, if you feel someone pulling that this trick on you,

just start doing whatever you want. Like if she comes home, you're in bed. Who's she? Oh my God. I forgot we were married. Yeah. I have Alzheimer's remember? Oh no. Don't I forgot we were married. Yeah. I have Alzheimer's, remember? Oh, no. Don't tell me it's contagious. Why are you wearing Prada and I've got on Spalding tennis sneakers? Why do I have on Ross Dress for Less track suits and you're fucking coming home a prime rib take, you know, home delivery? This seems like an imbalanced Christmas.

So wait, I got you that giant diamond necklace, and you got me these tennis balls for my walker? First of all, I don't even need a walker, or am I forgetting that too? Right, right. Why do they put tennis balls? I always think that that's kind of cruel. You could certainly come up with another way to make the legs slide besides reminding people of the shit they can't do any longer. Right.

But there's also like so many people do it. It's almost like all the Apple products or anything like that. It's like how many, why don't you just make a case for the Apple phone? You know, everyone gets a case. Yeah. Just sell it with the goddamn case. Right. It's like same thing. Like you don't have a thing that looks better than two like ripped open tennis balls that everyone uses on these things. Right. Why don't you put condoms on there too?

Since I can't fucking use those anymore either. Uh, you want to re-queue it on? Right. Why don't you put condoms on there, too, since I can't fucking use those anymore either. All right. What's this? You want to read QAnon? This is all you, man. What is it? Tom O'Neill sent us this earlier. QAnon followers. Yeah, I think O'Neill sent us this. He sent us like a live feed of them broadcasting from Dallas. Well, QAnon, and it really is amazing. These people's imagination, part of me is jealous that they can believe such fun shit. They've gathered in Dallas where they believe John F. Kennedy Jr., who's still alive, will reappear and announce Donald Trump as president.

A large crowd of QAnon, well, actually, by the time you hear this podcast, this story will have already happened. But as we're doing it, it's in progress. And by the time you hear this, they will be embarrassed because I'm guessing he's not coming back. But they they believe that he is going to return before midnight tonight. The Daily Beast contributor Steve Manicoli shared several photos that showed dozens, a dozens strong crowd. Here's the thing about news today. Does it really, if 36 people get together and do something this crazy, does it need to get coverage from every fucking news organization? Well, I don't know, Greg. We're doing it in the podcast.

Good point. You know, we put this podcast together very quickly all this morning. Because it was in Dallas and because they're lunatics, I thought JFK was coming back. Oh, no, JFK Jr. So you see what I wrote here? I'll just read what I like my notes I wrote in. I literally wrote that. I'm a little confused. Is dead JFK reappearing?

Like he's going to have this big hole in the back of his head and it'll be like, I'm just back to tell you guys, it was definitely more than one gunman. So this is another case of me writing jokes to a premise that doesn't exist. Oh, that happened last week also, right? Yeah. Also, did my whore wife really marry that fat Greek guy?

Tell me that didn't happen. That's the worst thing that ever happened to me, actually. And where's my boy? Where's my son? Oh, God. And then my last joke. At least tell me, are presidents still giving inspiring speeches with tons of literary references? Please tell me that tradition's still going.

Cut to Trump tomahawking while his wife rolls her eyes. So I didn't know. Right. I forgot. It's a giant conspiracy that JFK Jr. Well, wasn't it a conspiracy? He was murdered.

I thought that was the conspiracy. Well, once you get a plane, the stuff on his plane. Yeah. Anything involving planes, there's was the conspiracy. Well, once you get a plane. They cut the stuff on his plane. Yeah, anything involving planes, there's always a conspiracy. You know, but I mean, they believe. Here's what they believe. Okay.

There's an elite global cabal of satanic pedophiles engaged in mass child sex trafficking that somehow Trump will expose and order its members arrested and sentenced to death. So good for them. I mean, what a great fucking story to walk through life believing. Okay. So you believe that, right? And Trump's your guy who, this is a fact, has multiple cases regarding underage girls.

And I'm not saying that they're true. I'm just saying there's multiple cases that are real, that a court reporter can read to you, that you can look up because it's public information, that those exist and there's no interest in them. Here's what else exists. A Washington state father killed his daughter's 19 year old boyfriend for selling her into sex trafficking. Hey, I got a daughter who's 18. If you sell her in a sex trafficking, I will kill you. I don't think there is another possibility for a father.

If this happens to your daughter. Thank God. I thought your joke there was, ah, and you're like, I want a piece. The boyfriend's remains were discovered in the trunk of an abandoned car in Spokane. Spokane or Spokane? You know what? Keep it as both. Keep it as both.

So the father was 60, charged with first degree murder, held on a million dollars. His daughter had been trafficked in Seattle and he rescued her before he killed the guy and got her back to Spokane, Can. Spokane. What a nice thing

to rescue your daughter from sex trafficking. That'd be awesome. And here's how it went. He rescued her. They're in the car. Also, her boyfriend's in there. He's like, all right, honey, you run inside. Mom has dinner ready. And you know what?

I'll drive Steve home. Right, Steve? I know where you live. Steve, put on your seatbelt. And you know what? Throw this belt on, too. And this belt. And this belt. Okay, so do you know about the case? This is off the top of my head, so I'll probably get it wrong.

But there was a case where there was an arrested guy who was flown back in, and he was coming through the airport in cuffs. And I believe he did. And I believe he did. He was I believe he sexually assaulted, molested or killed this a minor. The father of the victim is waiting for him in the airport. He's walking along. The father walks right up. There's footage of it. Walks right up, puts the pistol, shoots him right in the head,

drops the pistol and puts his hands on his head. Wow. And says, arrest me. Yeah. Not sentenced. No shit. Not sentenced. And I'm not even kidding you.

And people should fact check me on this. Just look it up with the diarrhea four days. And I believe the judge found a way and said um we're gonna count the time you've already done which was like the months that he was in or in arraignment or whatever waiting for the trial uh and so you've served your sentence meanwhile his sentence was getting high-fived by every fucking inmate that had been sexually assaulted as a child he was a hero in jail probably yeah i might be a little gray area on what had happened but this was a father of a tragic tragic case and he blew that guy away so i want to keep an eye on this uh especially if like well you know he tried to get away with it

though there is something very different here because it was a year later that they found this trunk. He was killed in November, 2020. Yeah. So that's a year ago. So I don't know. I still want to watch this case because, you know, the courts are supposed to be on the level and obviously they're not in many ways, they're prejudiced. And, uh, clearly African-Americans get statistically harsher sentences for the exact same crimes. So, you know, justice is not blind now. And and I wonder here if it'll also not be blind in a way taking the dad's side. Yeah.

Yeah. They'll have to prove all that shit happened, though. Let's go to entertainment. Oh, yeah. Nice segue. All right. Kim Kardashian West is enjoying spending time with friend. Ready? Pete Davidson. Oh, boy. I know. They held hands on a roller coaster at Not Scary Farm on Friday and seen an exclusive photos obtained by people.

Obtained by people. It was the photo of them. You know, the one that the amusement park takes as you're going down with your arms up. That's the photo. Way to lay low. Hey, let's go to Not Scary, which is the weirdest name ever. It sounds like not scary.

Let's go to Not Scary Farm on Halloween weekend and go on the ride that takes a picture of you. Yeah. And then TMZ is waiting where the pictures come out. Like, yeah, that's mine. Mine's the one up on the left. You can't see me. I'm ducking because I'm so scared. But I still want it.

They might have been in it with their camera getting what? Sitting two rows behind them? Yeah. And you can tell they're on their way down and you can see everybody's skin is drooping except Kim's tits are higher. They're higher up than normal. So I told you

you should go see it. But you know, first of all, I loved actually, I love the SNL that she hosted. As I said, I don't think she rejected a single joke. There was like tough, hard jokes in there.

One of the sketches was they were both on like a flying carpet. Anyway, they did all the jokes where he was intimidated by everyone that came before him. Sexually. jokes where he was intimidated by everyone that came before him sexually. She even made race jokes about all of them. You know, so many of them being black. Right.

And he, and him being intimidated by that. So they've done a lot of these jokes already. Well, um, I like, I like Pete. I think he's funny.

But Jesus Christ, where does he find the time? These guys that, how do you do stand-up comedy and go on, is he still on SNL? I don't even know if he's a cast member anymore. No, he's on SNL. Oh, he is. How do you have time to be in California going on fucking rides with celebrities? Dating a celebrity takes a lot of time. You don't just, like, text Kim for a booty call.

You have to like first go to fucking Craig's and have dinner and get photographed. And then you got to meet the mom and do an episode of their show. And then you got to go shopping. And then maybe you get some pussy. But this is not an in and out. Yeah, and she has a bunch of kids

she's buried in laundry and cooking. That's right. I got to pick up what's-his-name at school. Oh, and can you imagine her mom's schedule? It must be packed. I mean, all the things she has to do. Plus all the charity work. You know, they're going from place to place, giving their money away.

And the unhinged ex-husband. Yeah. money away and the unhinged ex-husband um yeah that's speaking of entertainment like don't we usually talk about the shows we saw this week for halloween i wanted to watch something scary so somebody told me to watch uh um the quiet place the john krasinski yes yes yes did you see it i did see it when it came out yeah i was i wouldn't say I was scary as much as I was put in an uncomfortably uneasy place for two hours. Like a good scary movie, like Get Out, there's some laughs, there's some levity, there's something interesting, and there's scariness. There's something interesting and there's scariness. This is just a horrible situation in which there's no joy and you wait for people to die, which they do. Listen, if they call me to punch up the script, even before I signed up, I can tell you one thing that's going to happen.

Someone's going to fart. That's just going to happen. I'm not saying the farter has to get killed, but it's like they're all looking around. Maybe they've decided to cook Mexican that night. Bad idea. Like, come on. It's so easy.

And also the daughter, there was a daughter and a son. The daughter is the daughter of him and Emily Blunt, who are both beautiful specimens of the human race. The daughter, no offense to the actress, was not attractive at all. And you just immediately went, who is the cousin? Who's the fucking friend that's staying with the son? Because this kid is not related to them. Oh, this is going to be an unpopular take. You calling a child actress ugly? Did I say ugly? That's what I heard.

She's challenged. Oh, challenge makes the challenge this better. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I heard no matter what you do, you don't see the second one. It's terrible. Yeah. But it would be very interesting to see the script for the first one.

Because there's, is there technically zero dialogue? No, there's a tiny bit of dialogue. But the other 60 pages are all going to be descriptions. Yes. And then he mouths the word like around the stairs or whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, let's do some Florida, man. Oh, boy. All right, let's do some Florida Man. Oh, boy. All right, I'll try to move this along. I wrote a lot of stuff because I thought this was... So it's not Florida Man, but it sounds very Florida Man. This is a South African man. So a story went viral this week.

Well, wild animals. Is South Africa the Florida of Africa? I think that's a safe thing to say, yeah. Very safe. But wild animals is kind of... That was... I mean, did you put the mic in your mouth when you just coughed? I turned to the side and I used my arm.

Right into the mic. So anyway, on your headset anyway. So this was a story and it's very confusing because I think it was a few years ago. And anyway, it made the rounds again this week as a viral story. And the headline was, did a pet hippo kill and eat his owner of six years after he was adopted as this viral, you know, thing. So a guy was trying to vet, was this real? So here are the details.

There was a report claiming that a South African man, um, L's we'll just call them L's had adopted a baby hippo after rescuing it from a river. However, six years later, after years of bonding between the two, the hippo dragged him into that same river and ate him. So it's a very fetching. It's a very fetching headline. So they're the most dangerous animals on the planet. Statistically, they kill more humans than any other animal.

So the thing said it is misleading to claim that he was eaten by the same hippo he had adopted six years ago after rescuing from a river. I'm like, OK, let me read about this. So the back story is the hippo grew up too big for the people who adopted it. And it was brought bought by Ells at the age of five months old. And it became his pet on his 400 acre farm. This is all true. Ells was also photographed riding on the five yearold hippo's back when it grew up. That's what it looked like.

Yeah, no, no, I was riding on his back. Yeah, yeah, I like to ride on my stomach. Kind of towards the back. The hippo's name is Humphrey. So Humphrey's like a, quote, Humphrey's like a son to me. He's just like a human, he said. There's a relationship between Humphrey and me, and that's what some people don't understand. They think you can only have a relationship with dogs, cats, and domestic animals. This is a true Florida sentiment. But I have a relationship with

the most dangerous animal in Africa, Elle said. But Elle's wife wanted to set the record straight. So Elle's wife, who's a pharmacist, she had a different story to tell. She had expressed misgivings about the hippo as this giant animal because the hippo, Humphrey, had caused trouble before. In 2011, a 52-year-old man and his 7-year-old grandson had to climb and stay atop a tree for two hours after being chased by Humphrey. I was like, okay. tree for two hours after being chased by Humphrey. I was like, okay. Similarly, Humphrey had also been accused of killing calves belonging to Elle's business partner.

And the animal also frequently, imagine this, broke out of its enclosure and chased golfers at a local golf club. That I would like to see video of. I think the world would like to see golfers chased by a hippo. Elle's, who really is a Florida man at heart, had also domesticated and kept a giraffe and a rhino and claimed the sound of his voice would bring Humphrey back home. And he regarded the hippo as lovable and a gentle giant.

All right. So this is the last part. Years later. Jesus Christ. So she's like, I just want to set this record straight. Years later, Humphrey mauled's like, I just want to set the record straight. Years later, Humphrey mauled Els in the river that fateful day and left him submerged in the water for several hours, causing his death. Though there were some bit bite marks all over Els body, the hippo, just to clarify, did not eat him. Okay. Yeah. He just bit him to death, but he didn't eat him.

Bit him to death, submerged him, kept him underwater for hours until they found the body. This hippo sounds like, is he a rhino? Hippo. This rhino, he's the hippo version of Brulee, my dog. Oh, yeah, we were going to have a section every week. He will bite me, not eaté, my dog. Oh, yeah. We were going to have a section every week. One day Brulé will bite me.

Not eat me, but bite me until I die. Keep in mind, when you're sleeping, it only has to bite you in the right part of the neck. Yeah. And you will bleed out. Sure. And Aaron will have to tell this convoluted story to clarify. Brulé didn't eat his torso. Just a little tooth hole right on the jugular.

That's all. Yeah. All right. That story wasn't worth it. But I was confused the whole time reading it. Like, wait, what's being clarified here? Yeah. Well, you know, South Africa.

By the way, Els is the best golfer to ever play know, South Africa – by the way, the best golfer to ever play out of South Africa was a guy named Ernie Els. And so I wonder if they're related. I wonder if Humphrey chased him on the links. Let's go to sports. Let's go to sports. Oh, Tampa Bay. All right.

Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Destroyed. And a legit loss. Never mind that they were favored. Yeah. Tampa Bay beat New Orleans last week. So everyone who hates us talking about this can rejoice. We're not going to talk about it next week.

So you are now up $120, including the $20 I owe you for Game 5 of the World Series. You got it, pal. Also in sports, headline, and this is, I think, the headline on every sports blog, every sports newspaper I would imagine. The World Series, right? No, no, no. A little bigger, a little bigger. Oh.

The Mountains to Beach Marathon. A woman named Tamara Tarlekson, about halfway through the race, she realized she needed to go to the bathroom. So she pooped her pants. But she believed it served her well. She ended up achieving a personal record, as well as legendary status in her running circles at mile 13 or 14. She, uh, she didn't want to lose her physical or mental momentum. So she said, uh,

I don't know if it's possible to poop while running, but I'm going to try. I didn't want one poop to, to mess it all up. Unquote. So without stopping, she relieved herself into the built-in underwear in her shorts. Yeah, everyone knows how this works. She said, I had to focus. It just came out, and I felt a lot better.

I actually think you don't have to focus. I think focusing is when you're keeping it in. Yes. Yeah. Torlakson said she didn't think anyone noticed and said she, quote, didn't give a shit if they did. No, you did. You did give a shit. You know who didn't notice? Everyone in front of you. Right. I don't know why, but suddenly I must have been going slow while I was pooping because everybody was running past me.

Nobody was running behind me anymore. That is incentive if you're drafting behind her. Nobody was running behind me anymore. That is incentive if you're drafting behind her. Yeah. Right. Wow. So she ran 13 more miles and she came across the finish line and yelled to her friends, I pooped my pants. Immediately went to the medical tent for baby wipes and cleaned up in a porta potty.

Well, that's really nice. I have to imagine trying to run. This doesn't sound like it was a squirt. This sounds like it was a log. She passed a log while running. All right. Listen, I don't mean to be gross, but wouldn't you reach back, pull aside the shorts, and let it out?

Even if you don't do it on the fly, after it's in there? Right. Yeah. Even if you don't do it on the fly after it's in there. Right. Well, I mean, by the way, I run marathons and, you know, everyone knows this. You can't have like a even a normal cotton T-shirt will make many over their nipples a lot of times. You will see, if you go to watch marathons, the shirts have gotten better, and they're more like whatever it is. They're synthetic, but a silkier type feel. But you will see bloody nipples at marathons. And also, you will see shit pants at marathons.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. New York Marathon, you'd always see brown shorts running by. It was disgusting. You know what really irritates people when they're running is a Gumby outfit. Oh, good Lord. But you had to bring that up. I watched Mike run a couple marathons, but one of them, he told me to wait. It was the New York City Marathon.

This was probably in 1993? 96? No, no, four or five, yeah, whatever. No, no. Four or five. Yeah, whatever. Mid 90s. 94. He's like, OK, Central Park on the east side, right around 72nd Street.

I should be getting there around. I would say probably around three and a half hours. OK, I'm there. The three and a half hour mark into the race and fucking scanning New York City Marathon. There's like it's it's 20 people wide, constantly streaming. So I'm straining my eyes at three and a half hours. It's like watching a river trying to see a leaf come through. Four hours go by. No, Mike. And I think you told me I'm wearing a yellow hat, looking for the yellow hat, straining my eyes.

My neck is getting sore from going back and forth. People trying to talk to me. I'm like, I can't talk. I'm looking for Mike. It's going to be any minute now. Four hours. Four hours and 20 minutes. No, no, no, no, no. It's just not true. I have my time. It was stamped, which I argue with. It's not a real time. Go ahead.

All right. So however long it was, all of a sudden fucking this guy dressed as Gumby. He's run the entire marathon with a giant Gumby outfit on. A giant foam outfit. Yeah. And then 10 minutes later, Mike comes by all proud, waving at us. I'm like, hey, asshole, Gumby just went by 10 minutes ago.

Well, this is how it happened to me. All right. First of all, oh, yeah. Speaking of shitting and pissing. So the gun goes off in the marathon and it's freezing. I remember that year it was actually on Staten Island and it was snowing. So everyone's in sweats and they have a great program where all the sweats will be donated to charity. So you're all standing at the Verrazano Bridge and there's two levels.

So first thing is, if this is interesting, is my buddy, Jim Adrian, who used to run a lot of them goes, what, what are you doing? He's like, I'm like, Oh, I'm on the lower level. He's like, don't go down there. Everyone pisses on you. I'm like, that's a weird thing to say. So, uh, so he takes me. So I'm going to start on the upper level. Right. And so all of a sudden the gun goes off and I start whipping my sweats off. He's like, calm down, slick. You're not going to take your first step for 10 minutes. I'm like, what? So the gun goes off, which means the timer starts. And then we stand there as row after row starts the race. And so that's already a 10 minutes that

I want back. Right. And then the first mile, the Verrazano Narrows Bridge, I believe is two miles long, which is, by the way, all bridges I learned that day are hills. So anyway, the first mile, you never run. You walk because it's still so congested with the start of the race. But as soon as you get on the bridge

and you're walking, seemingly everybody runs to the left of the bridge which is facing new york city and facing the statue of liberty and whips out their dicks and starts peeing over the side and that pee gets blown into the level underneath them and that's what he meant that everyone pisses on you he didn't even care to explain that so anyway this is how it seemed to me. I am fucking dragging when I get to Central Park and you run up to me with the biggest grin in the world. You grab me by the back of the neck and pat me on the shoulder. And you're like, I thought I missed you.

Gumby ran by 15 minutes ago, which is the most demoralizing. I had one mile left and that's what I hear. All I wanted to do was just walk home. Meanwhile, I had to go from Little Italy up to the park. And I took a fucking cab. I didn't even walk it. It was fucking freezing. Also, because I just, I cannot enjoy running.

And I, in fact, ran marathons to prove because I didn't believe I could do them. But even then, I had to, with like a handheld radio. It's a mid nineties. It was basically a Walkman, but it was a radio and I had to listen to music. And in Brooklyn, I was at mile 12 and they announced the winner of the race. Wow. Do you know how demoralizing that is? Yeah. Yeah. the race wow do you know how demoralizing that is yeah yeah jesus all the all the all the tv coverage shuts off then i'm not even halfway through brooklyn uh all right speaking of demoralizing let's go to business you got it pal here comes business i didn't even what is this story a digital currency based off the popular Netflix series Squid Game is trading at $0 after its creators cashed out, effectively stealing an estimated $2.1 million from investors. The cryptocurrency, called Squid, surged as high as $2,800 before falling to zero as of Monday.

From $3,000 to zero, holy moly. The scam is called a rug pull. From 3,000 to zero. Holy moly. The scam is called a rug pull. That means the crypto's creators cash out of their coins in exchange for real money, quickly devaluing the crypto's value. So, you know, let that be a lesson to all you people that think that you're going to double your money overnight. Here's a sign. Red light.

That's a sign you should get out pretty quick on the squid currency. Yeah. Red light. Red light. That's a sign you should get out pretty quick on the squid currency. Yeah. Red light. Red light. And then it's nothing but corpses. Yeah, right. Another red flag is that investors could buy but not sell squid. They made it so that you could not sell it.

I mean, this is like the gold rush. This is people packing up their belongings and taking a stagecoach through Indian country to go to California because they're going to get rich. And they don't give a shit. It's blindly just – people work so hard for their money. It breaks my heart that they would lose it to these people. You know me, Mr. Investor, Midas Touch. But here's what kills me is when people criticize, by people, I mean financial experts, like the wise old man of finance who criticized crypto and say, yeah, but don't you realize

it's only worth is in your betting on that people will keep buying it. It's like you just described the stock market. Right. You think this fucking stock market is based in reality at all? People just don't know where else to put their money and they're betting people will keep and all the stock buybacks of corporations.

Nothing is based on real value now. Of course, it won't go to zero like this did. You know, they own buildings or they own a product. But still, it's so speculative. Well, and what takes it to the next level of those digital, what are they called? NF. Do you. NFTs.

But do you know these. And what's his name? We should talk about it next week in business. Tarantino just entered that game. Did he really? With uncut scenes from Pulp Fiction and script pages with his notes on them. They're called non-fungible tokens. And I sat there with Pete Scott, who tried to explain it to me last night.

And I just said, man, if you told me this shit while I was still on mushrooms, I might be able to follow you. But the concept that you can take a PDF of something and sell it as a unique thing, I don't get it. But it literally goes, it just is based on like what you just said. It's just based on the fact that somebody will pay more for it later. This is what NFT I would buy. I would buy an NFT, a still photo or even video of Pete Scott trying to explain to you in your Raggedy Ann outfit what an NFT is and just watching your face. I would buy it so that nobody could ever see it. Right. It's a built-in win.

I immediately cash out. All right. This day in history. All right, this day in history. All right. In 1991, so 30, 31 years ago. No, 30 years ago. That was, I mean, that number was a gift for you to do math, and you somehow blew it. November 7th, Magic Johnson announces he is HIV positive.

That was big news. That was crazy. Well, for the kids who don't remember, there was oddly a kind of similar story, really one of the first major ones with Arthur Ashe announcing it years before. Another African-American athlete announcing he had it and he did not survive. And these are both and it was seen as a white gay man's disease. And these are these were straight black men. I mean, Magic Johnson apparently is straight. I guess he did.

He get it from a blood transfusion. You could call it that in a hot tub. Arthur Ashe got it from a blood transfusion, tainted blood because, you know, it was very new. They were not testing blood. Yeah. So, yeah. And it's just amazing to think at that time there was the the the life expectancy of somebody with HIV. I mean, HIV has to turn into AIDS, but I think it did all the time. I don't think HIV ever didn't turn into AIDS. And the idea that you could go 30 years with it and he is looking better than ever.

He looks, you know, fantastic. Fantastic. I mean, he's fat as hell. I don't know how he's doing it. Yeah. Right. I don't think this is, I'm reading the story now. This is the first time I'm looking at this.

And I don't think this is a great choice of words. He was a native of Lansing, Michigan. And he was famous for his extraordinary passing skills and contagious smile. How about it? Thank God it wasn't a smile. How about it? Thank God it wasn't a smile. That will be John Krasinski's next horror movie, is that you die if you smile. He's not making noise,

but if you make any smiling face, you die. Or that little saliva sound when you make a smile sometimes. But you know you're writing a story about HIV and you choose contagious to describe his smile. Yeah, interesting. What an idiot.

Yeah, they don't have fact checkers like we have on Sunday Papers. I know, I know. Let's get to some letters to the editor. Also, he was great at catching passes. He could catch anything. Caught anything. All right. Garrett Popple, I had put out last week, I said,

why is it that we live in California and we don't have basements? I might have put that out there, but go ahead. Everybody had a basement. Basements are where you have fun. It's where you dream. It's where you play. It's where you hide from the world. From your uncle. And we don't have it here so this guy garrett popple gave a very uh in-depth uh response he says the idea of a basement is to keep pipes warm and from freezing california

doesn't have that problem okay um he also found that rapid housing development was a reason why because I think basically they were building houses so fast they were just throwing them up also because California is below sea level or a lot of it I think my house is below sea level

I think it might be because if you leave the beach on Venice Boulevard you go down for a while and and then it just levels out. Well, famously, parts of Venice are, of course. And listen, the rich have figured all that out. Have you ever noticed whenever there's flooding, other than like Manhattan, whatever, but whenever there's been traditional flooding anywhere, exact great example is New Orleans,

the rich are in the high ground. Always. Because, you know, like when you buy a house, you know you have to sign the thing that recognizes if you're either, you know, in a fire territory or a flood zone. It's all been zoned. All land has been mapped out topographically

of like what is a flood area. And the rich don't live there. Yeah. So. And this comes from Marmar. But by the way, I bet he figured all this out by Googling why there are no basements in California. And I Googled it and said I wrote no basement diarrhea, which was weird.

Everything I'm Googling. This is from Marmar Beach, who says, Dear Greg and Mike, the lack of basement goes back to the California housing boom in World War II. The high demand ended in speedy developments and the exclusion of basements. My husband and I are super excited about San Francisco's show on Saturday. Bummed Mike was not available to do the podcast. Hope you will plan one up there later. Yeah, we'll do it in your attic because you don't have a basement.

And then do we want to get into Chappelle again? Why? What about it? This guy, Nolan Dandenau. Oh, he's just backing my thing that uh it's you don't have a leg to stand on if you're like but people were offended that's all mike was saying who gives a shit if art offends anyone saying be mike was saying who gives a shit if art offends anyone saying being offended isn't a crime while talking about dave chapelle dave chapelle i totally agree pushing the envelope is the only way to even be noticed in society.

While if you want to stay in a life of comfort and familiarity, you will be guaranteed to be forgotten due to being stuck in the middle of the pack. There is the Dean of secondary schools program, Cesar A. Cruz, who said, art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

We all get offended because we are too comfortable to think of anything else. Okay, well, got to shake it. The thing about being controversial is it should come from an organic place. I think what I find offensive is when people say out loud this shit just because they know it's going to get a response, and then they ride that wave and they make commerce on that wave. That's grotesque. But when somebody truly believes something and in their mind they can back it up, that's where art comes from.

And that's where it's difficult because people may look back on what you're saying 20 or 30 years from now and say, wow, that guy had a lot of, a lot of, uh, you know, he was very brave, but it's fucking hard. You know, Norm Macdonald, I'm going to slaughter this, but he was a judge on, uh, one of those standup shows, last comic standing, I guess. Yeah. And this guy, uh, Norm didn't like, like him. And then this guy decided bad move to go on Twitter and pick a fight with Norm that maybe he just didn't get him. Maybe he was like too offensive because I guess in one of his bits, he like talked about like religion, but it was in like the most hackneyed way. It was like, you know, like you and I look back at our new ideas or whatever we had in high school and college, not realizing the world's been around a lot long, you know, before we got here and, you know, we're stumbling upon their new ideas to us.

So this guy had a new idea, like on religion. And, um, anyway, as I said, I'm going to slaughter it, but I remember Norm just very concisely tweeting back to him. He goes, um, he goes, maybe you just couldn't handle what I, he said to Norm, maybe you just couldn't handle what I, he said to Norm, maybe you just couldn't handle my comedy that was on religion. It might've been like, you know, offensive to you, but you could hear the appreciation of some members in the audience. And I think he was calling his stuff. Maybe it was too daring or too bold. Uh, and Norm goes basically like you were the furthest thing from too daring or too bold. He's like, trust me, when you do something that is truly daring and truly bold, it'll be met with silence.

And I thought it was interesting. Nice. Yeah. All right. Let's get to the funnies. It's too early in the week. Nobody died yet, so we're not doing obituaries. We got a bunch of emails about the funnies. Matt Turfey said, Great show. I've listened to every episode. Lucky Eddie is Hager's best friend. His real name is Fortuitous Eduardo. Unlike Hager, he seems to be the opposite

of the image of a macho Viking having a weak chin, skinny physique, and wears a funnel for a helmet. He is one of the few Vikings who knows how to read and write. However, it seldom seems it's to his benefit. Also, how do you guys sign off the episode? Take a dish?

Yes. Tech a douche episode? Take a dish? Yes. Tech a douche? Tuck a dash? Sounds like a Boston thing. Means take it easy? Maybe you can fill us in. I think it's more of a New York thing. I used to say it in high school.

Well, why don't we just tell him the real thing, and he should start doing it in his life. We scream, tuck a deke. Tuck a deke. Tuck a deek. Tuck a deek. Tuck a deek. Tuck a deek. Tuck a deek. Just say it to your uncles, everybody.

George Carlos says, I believe that this piece of shit dagwood only noticed the fucking price tag on that dress that Blondie bought with her own money. You have got to take that dude and insert yourself into this strip. I swear to Christ, if there was a way for me to get in there, I don't know what I would do first.

Would I choke the fucking life out of Dagwood or would I just go straight to Blondie and just and just make him be a cuck and watch? I don't know. That's a toss up. That's a toss up. Yeah That's a toss-up. Yeah. Yeah. She might get turned on by his death,

so you got to factor that in. Yeah, but what if she got sad? What if she took his side? I mean, she is with him. She's married to him. Then you just got to strangle her to death and say, this is a bad idea. I'm out.

I'm going to go fuck Lucy from Peanuts. Yeah. All right. So let's get to some Lockhorns. Loretta is, by the way, yeah, I already told people last week, we're going to talk to the writer. In the new year. She's busy writing jokes.

So Loretta is talking to Leroy and they're at the store and there's a lotto sign up and he's got a lot of ticket in his hand. And she says, buying more lottery tickets with the $2 you won is not reinvesting your earnings. And now Leroy is in a suit talking to another gentleman at a cocktail party. Loretta's in the back talking to what we would guess is the man's wife. And he says,

we were married by a justice of the peace. Since then, I've had neither justice or peace. These are all at the very least efforts at humor. Efforts? It's some of its word play. That's fine. I have no

big problem with that. It was Halloween this past week and this is Blondie. So you go. You do your family circus and then I'll do Blondie. Oh no, it's worth it. Let's definitely delay Blondie to do this piece of shit. It's family circus. The mom

standing in the kitchen looking very fit again. You're right. These are different drawings than the beleaguered mom. And the youngest kid is in his like pajama. Like, oh boy. In his pajama onesie crawling through her legs. And the cat is behind him just sitting there watching.

And then the young obnoxious son is looking up at the mom. And he goes, quote to the mom, PJ picked that up from kitty cat. It means he's hungry. What? This one can't even make sense to him. In other words, I think very often he's satisfied with the piece of shit he wrote because his brain bar is so low It's almost non-existent.

But even this one, he might be like, huh? I did. Is, is that something did I, I put words and I put how many I put one period. So there's a cluster. There's two clusters of words. Do they make any fucking sense? No, they don't. It's like when you were doing papers and you were in seventh grade and you made the margin smaller and the font bigger

because it was supposed to be a two-page paper and you were just covering it with letters. And the teacher would be like, just restate your premise from the first paragraph in your conclusion. You're like, I'm going to type the same thing. I don't have brain that works. I can't find other words. Yeah, right.

What is this? Truly, it's a real question. Yeah, that is a tough one. That is one of the worst ones you've ever read oh my god it's infuriating yeah all right well this will cheer you up or won't it i don't know because again this is halloween this was a strip from halloween and i got a problem with the strip right out of the gate because blondie's not in it which i which would normally preclude it from being in Sunday papers.

But oh, wow. But there's a reason why I'm reading this one. Bell rings. Before you do it. Do you see that there's a hagger in there? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Did realize. Go ahead. So bell rings. Dagwit says, here we go. He walks up to the door. He's got a bowl full of candy. Yep, it's game time. And standing there is Popeye and another character. And they go trick-or-treat. And Dagwood goes, you guys look great. Dig in.

Yeah. And then the second frame is Garfield and another little cartoon guy. And he says, ha-ha, bet you guys would prefer doggy treats or lasagna and garfield shits on dagwood and goes is he kidding near the guy goes get real like dagwood is the fucking bitch of the comic world nobody was they're only getting the candy even the creator drawing this knows that that's the jokes he puts in. Right. Now you got Beetle Bailey and Sarge show up, and they go trick or treat. And Dagwood goes, ah, my favorite men in uniform. Which, by the way, distinct possibility Dagwood's a homosexual,

which is not a bad thing. I'm not judging that. But it explains a lot. I think you're judging a waste of a talented wife. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And now we've got the second to last frame. Who shows up?

It's fucking Hager the Horrible with the guy who they just told me his name. What's this guy's name again? Dorfman. Dorfman. I don't know. Here, let me Google it. It's Hgard diarrhea. So it's Haggard and Lucky Eddie, and they go trick or treat.

And then Dagwood goes, aren't you guys too big to be begging for candy? Are you fucking high, Dagwood? Do you have any idea what mayhem and carnage this guy has caused? You're going to fuck with fucking Hager the horrible? And so Hager goes, well, it sure beats trying to take a castle by force. And the other guy, Lucky Eddie, goes, amen, brother. But basically Hager wiped out the bowl. He took all the treats from the bowl.

But here's what he didn't do. And he was trying to put a couple of pieces of candy, and he got pillaged. Here's what H he didn't do. The bowl was full, and he was trying to put a couple pieces of candy, and he got pillaged. Here's what Hager didn't do. He didn't go inside and pillage Blondie, which there's a reason why Dagwood is answering this door alone and not bringing Blondie out. I know. He's walking away. I'm like, I wonder if he'll be like, oh, wait a minute.

Doesn't that hottie live here? Yeah. Right. What are we doing, guys? I think he might even have a wait a minute. Doesn't that hottie live here? Yeah, right. What are we doing, guys? I think he might even have a sense of smell. He's like an animal. There's no way Blondie doesn't wear Chanel No. 9 or some good fucking perfume. And he would get a little whiff of it, and then it's game time.

Get the fuck out of the way, Dagwood. Come on. Some of these, they're just not. It's right in front of their face. Here's what the Haggars Halloween strip should be. Ding dong. Raper pillage. Come on. It's right there.

All right. Well, listen, Mike, have fun. And you're going off to what's your trip this week? All right. I'm going to New York on the way to Detroit, which is a weird way to phrase it, but it is like a round trip to JFK stopping in Detroit on the way back. I'm going to see David Byrne, which is, was really, really,

really high on my list before COVID. Right. And so I'm going to New York. He's in the St. James theater. I'm really excited about it. He was just on Colbert last night, I guess, and he performed. But psyched to do that. And then from there, Friday going to Ann Arbor and going in the big house

to see a home football game at Parents Weekend in freezing Michigan. How cold is it right now? Have you checked? Let me look. How cold Michigan diarrhea? It is in Ann Arbor. As I look at my phone, it's 39.

Okay. But, oh, don't worry. It goes down to 27 in a little bit. And then Saturday, a low of 28, but a high of 50. I'm banking on that 50. Okay. That's not too bad. New York right now is 48 and going down to the 30s.

So New York is also no treat. But I love that weather. All right. Well, have fun. Thank you. And give my love to Sophie. Absolutely. Have fun.

Yeah. I'll be taking my wife. We're flying up to San Francisco for the weekend. I'm doing some shows, and we're going to see some friends. We've got a bunch of friends up there. And then come back on Sunday night. Say hi to everybody. Yeah, I wish we were able to do the podcast.

That would have been great. Yeah. But if anyone dies, maybe we'll add it in before Saturday. Oh. I don't know. All right, thanks to Midcoast Media for the fine job they do every week. Chris Denman, thank you for your contributions. And we'll see you next week.

Tarka-dink. Take a dick. Take a dick is another one. All right. Take a dick. one. All right. I'll take it easy. Sunday Papers. We're all about

it. Sunday Papers. We're all about it. Sunday Papers. I used to try up so much. I would get scabs on my penis.

Okay. I was a dry hump maniac.