Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 89 11/14/21

Episode Date: November 14, 2021

Mike sees David Byrne’s show in NYC and Greg sees Erin break her wrist in San Francisco. A one lb. baby is born and Ron Howard resented Fonzie. Drake drops $1M in a strip club right after the Travis Scott concert and a Fla man punches his prison-mate for farting too much in their cell.

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Okay, that wasn't even a countdown. Three, two, one. clapping in okay that wasn't even a countdown three two one there's my clap which they can see on the youtube which is the whole point i think and then we get up here and i plug the headphones in successfully and let's see if I... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. All right, you guys can hear me? You can hear me? Yeah. Nice.

I hear you, Pally. I'm going to take an Adderall right about now. All right. And that's going. We're already almost at a minute, man. Unbelievable. Reno, I almost at a minute, man. Unbelievable. Read all about it. Oh, jeez.

Read all about it. Steve Bannon going into protective custody. Britney's out of protective custody. What's happening with this world? Read all about it. We're not going to talk about Steve Bannon. Or Britney Spears. We could talk about Britney.

I mean, everyone knew this news was coming, though, right? Yeah. Let's see how she does. I bet we're going to get some more interesting stories from her now that she's totally on her own. Well, she seems to be liking to pose nude, and she looks, I think she's like 38. Her body is rocking. Okay. Real nice.

I've always been a fan of her body. I like it a little thick. Oh, all right. Yeah, and I think she's got a beautiful face. I'm all for this freedom. I think she's going to make some great decisions. Okay. Sounds good.

That's something, yeah. Let's keep an eye on it. We're going to keep an eye on Britney. I mean, it really would be funny if her life becomes an utter train wreck and people go like, oh, yeah, I guess maybe she did need some help. Well, that's a little like Saddam Hussein. Like, you don't want to take me out of power. I know. Yeah.

It's not great. It's not great at all. And it looks horrible on paper. But you just got to trust me on this. If I go, you're going to have a shit show. So you're saying we should put Saddam Hussein in charge of Britney Spears? If he were still alive, I would say Whitney should join him in the wormhole. Yes.

Yeah. The wormhole. Yeah. That's what they called it where they found him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Hitler died in a wormhole too, basically.

He was in a bunker. I read about that this week. Why did I read about, oh, because Goebbels. Was Chris Denman sending you articles about Hitler? I know, but that's every week, so that didn't change anything. But no, it was, Curb had a really funny reference to Goebbels. This is my experience with Curb, and I'm not spoiling anything. My experience with Curb is, it's so over the top, and I just like groan more than I laugh. But then when I look back or I tell someone about this one thing,

I realize it's still funnier than most shows, despite really regrettable things or things I don't like seeing in it. I like when it goes big. I'm fine with that. I think it's a cartoon at this point. I love the fact that every network executive, and you've done this. You've sold shows many times. One of them got on the air for a year, sitcoms. And the network executives always have the same fucking note.

They have to be unsuccessful following their dream. They're good at their dream. It just hasn't happened yet. And it's like how about this this guy's a fucking billionaire and it's a sitcom about going to the country club with a bunch of other douchebag billionaires it's great sometimes i'm not on board his little premise premise you know like where he gets really he yells about some thing i'm like yeah i'm not really you know they used to be more universal like the close talker or whatever.

Now it's kind of like, uh, I don't, I don't know what, I can't come up with a good example off the top of my head, but now they seem to be a little more 1% problems. If you could sell a show, produce a show in any genre and it would be a hit, it would be on for five years. Would it be a sitcom, a late night talk show, a sketch show? I already told you, Japanese parking lot. I just set up cameras and I record all the accidents.

Mitsuwa in Mar Vista. I love it. Every time I go there for food, I park and I eat in the car and I just watch. Right outside the Japanese supermarket. Yeah. Even if they're not accidents, because as we've discussed and as, what's his name talked about? Was it an outliers? Malcolm Gladwell.

It's the just culture of deference. So two cars that are trying to back out and their backs are facing each other, right? So two cars, the reverse lights go on. That's going to take a half hour. Yeah, right. Which to me is the funniest thing ever. Yeah. What's going on this week?

How is Michigan? I haven't talked to you since you went and visited Michigan. I know. Well, I went to New York first. Well, wait, should we talk about York first. Well, for a while. Should we talk about Aaron first? All right. Yeah.

My wife. I took my wife on a hike. His wife. My wife. And she fell and she broke her wrist. And she's missing. Here's what's crazy. That's the weirdest part.

Here's what's crazy. And you came home. How many people on social media, because I posted a picture of her wrist, how many people made a joke about her not being able to give me a handjob? Let me tell you something. I don't believe I've gotten a handjob in, we've been married 21 years. I don't think I've gotten a handjob, so they haven't stopped because they never started. Yeah, but they're your fans. They're going to go there. They think it pleases you because you're just talking about dirty stuff all the time. I think you may have made the joke

as well. Didn't you? Yeah, but I tried to layer it in a better way. I forgot what it was. Some text like that. Yeah. Well, one guy, i was watching uh tv with aaron and she had ice on her wrist and she was holding it up and then this guy texts me he's a club owner and he goes hey sorry about your wife's wrists and i go oh yeah well she's hanging in there and he goes i guess no hand jobs for a while but it's's, she's looking at my phone while he writes it. Yeah. So, so I write back nothing wrong with her mouth or her asshole. Like just to, just to try to be a fucking asshole. And then, and then he goes, she sounds like a good woman.

Yeah. Nice. Perfect. When's the last time you got a hand job? Hold on a minute. did you say nothing wrong with her mouth or her asshole yeah yeah because the broken wrist took her vagina out of circulation that's the joke that's the joke sorry i didn't get it at first i like it yeah i don't think he got it either.

No, but she's doing fine. Unfortunately, it's bad enough that they have to do surgery. So we're going in tomorrow. Are you serious? Yeah, we gotta go in tomorrow and she's gotta get a big surgery done. Oh man, they have to reset it? Have to reset it and a chunk of bone got knocked out

and is like in the joint and they have to fix that. Are they gonna put a pin in it? Yeah, they can put a metal plate. She can join me. She can never go through the regular airport security again. Oh, shit. Yeah, and her son, Owen, has broken both his wrists. Really?

Yeah, so he couldn't give himself a handjob for a long time, which at that age really is kind of a big roadblock. That's a gigantic roadblock. Wow. Well, at least his mouth and asshole work. Oh, man, I'm so sorry she has to get the surgery. I know. The one thing she's looking forward to is that drug, the propofol. Is that what it's called?

The Michael Jackson drug? It is the one thing that it's the silver lining when you have to get surgery, and everybody is a little bit excited about that part. Well, tell me about the morphine, because you mentioned that she- Oh, my God. Okay, yeah. Well, when they set it in, it was so fucking weird. They hung her hand by the, you know those Chinese finger cuffs?

Oh, they did it to my stepbrother when he broke his arm skiing. Yeah. Yeah. They hang the arm and then they hung weights off of the arm and stretched it out for like a half an hour. But first they killed all the fucking pain with this needle. They kept jabbing into different parts of her wrist. Like, and then they grabbed the hand and the arm and he put all his weight into it and

twisted it into place. It was crazy. He might have broken the bone. Yeah. And where was this? Up in north of San Francisco? Marin Health. Up in Marin County above San Francisco.

And I got to give a shout out to Marin Health. They did a great job. Dr. Goebbels was really good. Wait, what? Wait, what? Just kidding. Gerber. Dr. Gerber. Dr. Gerber.

Okay. And they did a great job, and there was nobody there. We fucking got in and out. We still missed our plane back to L.A., so we didn't get back to L.A. until like 1 in the morning. Fucking good luck getting a fucking taxi at 1 in the morning at LAX. Good luck getting your fucking lazy wife to carry more than one bag on the way back from Seattle. I said that to them. Good luck getting your fucking lazy wife to carry more than one bag on the way back from...

I said that to them. The doctor was like, at the end of the whole thing, he's like, okay, any other questions? I go, yeah, she normally carries the luggage, so how do you think we should deal with the... And he's like, her asshole amounts to work. Only four more callbacks to that. Oh, God. Wow. I don't work. Only four more callbacks to that. Oh, God. Wow. I don't know.

It sounded like there was a bored hotshot in there who really wanted to put a bone back in place. He was young, man. I asked him. He's only been practicing for two years, and he was kind of too into it. It was weird. But the morphine, she liked that? She was smiling, and she said to me and the doctor, yeah, I'm being serious.

I really think everybody should be on this all the time. And she just smiled. So I told you, when my shoulder broke, right, when that fucking horse fell on me, uh, or fell with me on it. Um, I went in and I mean, it was one of those I've never had in my life where any movement, my peripheral vision would start to go. And I had already, I already kind of passed out once. So basically it was lights. It was a light switch, man, a delicate light switch. You move it a little and my brain wants to shut down because of the pain and of course just unbelievable pain but almost so strong it like let me feel some

of it but the rest of it was like shut that brain off you know what i mean and so when we go in the guys like all right we're gonna go and then get x-rays in the other room and you're gonna move it in different positions i'm like that's that's not happening. And the guy goes, yeah, he just laughed at me. And he goes, the IV bag you're already hooked up to has some morphine in it. So I think you'll be fine. Cut to me posing for the x-ray, like, like a bodybuilder. Like you want it like this? You want it over? You want me like this? Like I could fucking throw, I could play handball with it at that point. And I was in the best mood ever. Morphine. Yeah, when I was in Denmark, I was 18 years old,

and I got an ingrown toenail that got infected in Denmark. And so I went into the doctor, and he said you need surgery. That's why they hate Americans. Yeah. So he sends me in for surgery. And by the way, all 100% paid for. They didn't give me a copay. They didn't give me a fucking anything.

I went in for surgery, spent the night, got out the next day. They gave me a fucking bucket full of morphine, like a big thing of morphine. And they're like, it's going to hurt for a while. So I went back to this guy. I was staying with this guy named Henrik Hess. And the only thing you could get on TV in English was Dallas. And there was this one channel that did nothing but play

Dallas in order, like around the clock. And I took morphine and watched Dallas at 18 years old for about seven days straight. And it was maybe the best week of my life. I love Bobby.

JR is so mean to him. Oh, wow. Well, listen, I wish Erin the best. I hope the surgery goes well and all that. She's kind of hooked up in the medical community here in L.A. Yeah, she works for a doctor and he looked at the x-rays and we already had a good surgeon

because of Owen. The guy that did Owen did a great job both times. Nice. Yeah, so she'll be okay. So, all right, now I want to hear about New York. I want to hear about Michigan. New York was amazing. I landed, I was immediately already on a high and I went from JFK and I jumped on the trains

to go into the city. And I just am looking around. And anyway, I just sound like- You took the train from JFK to the city? Oh, man. That's my move. I love it. No shit.

The subway. So here I am. Which, by the way, makes me still sound like a New Yorker. This is what I learn every time. I'm no longer a New Yorker. So I decided to jot, because now I'm on the subway. I just, I literally decided to write this. It's probably gonna be a little broken up, but anyway, I thought, Oh, I'll read it on the podcast. Landed in New York and felt like a rube. My backpack is green and orange. And for the first

time I looked down and I'm like, who are you? You're soft Los Angeles Tommy Bahama tourist. I'm shocked I don't have flip-flops and shorts on. Man, I've lost a step in stupid soft suburban Los Angeles. How am I not wearing boots? Men dress like men in New York. I land back in LA and all the grown men are going to be wearing van sneakers, shorts, high socks, and Dodger jerseys. They all look like 14 year old prisoners. Were you just playing handball? Did you skateboard to LAX? Los Angeles is like when you'd visit your grandparents in Florida. Hi, hi, the car's outside. It's sunny weather, zero challenges. You want to go to Coco's for lunch or play miniature golf?

Everyone here has style or at least swagger. This is true. I went to the info desk to ask where the SkyTrain is. You know when I'm in the terminal? The guy rolls his eyes and he's like, AirTrain. you know when i'm in the when i'm in the terminal the guy rolls his eyes and he's like air train and he's the information desk he's the guy who only deals with tourists all day but he rolls his eyes he goes air train two escalators down go downstairs right it was so fucking funny then i'm grabbing the subway and you'd think I only spoke Japanese to pay for

my Metro card. And then I get through and then they're, Oh, so I get through from the, uh, air train. You then have to catch the subway. So you're going from one train to the other, and I'm trying to get the Metro, uh, thing tickets. And I'm, and I, this shows you how you lose these New York instincts that you and I used to have. And you might still have through and through because you go there more. So I get through and then there's this tiny little breeze that starts, which means nothing to me. And it used to mean everything to me when I was in a subway station. The locals start scrambling because the breeze means a train is coming. But me, zero instincts.

It would be like being at the watering hole in Africa. And there's some sign, there's something, and it signals and alerts everyone with instincts that there's danger and they all scatter except me. And then my face just goes into the mouth of a giant crocodile. I'm just this dumb wildebeest. Like where's everyone going? And I get slaughtered. And then the last line, and I missed the first train. Oh, that's great. Yeah. It is funny.

New York is like, the metaphor is you're trying to get on a moving train. The city is a moving train. And you're at rest. You have no momentum. You got no edge. You got no drive. And I even find it with stand-up like the stand-ups in new york have an edge to them they get on stage and they know exactly who they are and what they're saying and in la they kind of explore they feel out the crowd they they shift they adjust right yeah i remember uh atel seeing him out here one of the

first you know like when he started to come out here because you know we got out here in the in the uh mid 90s and i remember him like after one of his jokes about uh like they it was something like a dead girl in the ditch long pause first of all they'd clap at his jokes which completely threw him like he eventually said you don't have to clap and then and then uh about the regard the the dead girl found in a ditch or ever uh long pause he's like there wasn't really a dead girl like Like, I'll send that to the crowd. Because just L.A. just doesn't know how to handle a guy who hits the stage, fucking knows who he is, go, go, go, go, go. And it's edgy stuff.

It's like, you know, this crowd needed to be eased into that. I got to get the fuck out of L.A. I hate it. Well, you're an empty nest now. You can do that. All right, I'm going to talk about David Byrne in one sec. But the marathon reminded me of something. You know, of course, we have the marathon joke where you came and saw me now. You can do that. All right, I'm going to talk about David Byrne in one sec. But the marathon reminded me of something. Of course, we have the marathon joke where you came and saw me, which we just told recently.

But the New York City Marathon was last Sunday. And so it was marathon weekend when I was there. But I did remember a story I don't tell often enough, which was after I ran the first marathon, man, I was so sore. And we went to a bar. And I was in the shower. I almost couldn couldn't get out it was like hot water anyway but boy did that alcohol feel good that first beer when you got it and stuff and i remember being at the bar and there's another guy there and he could see i was in pain and limped up and he's like what was your time i'm like oh man it's you know what i was like i'm around four hours he know, it was like a little under four or whatever. I'm like, you know, I'm, I'm up towards there.

And this guy looked like, you know, fit. And I'm like, did you run it? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, uh, what was your time? And he was like, said something like two 40 or two 30 to 35, which is almost like he's traveling and doing marathons. Right. And I'm like, Oh man, I shouldn't have asked. And he's like, no, no, no. And he was dead serious. And he goes, no, no. He's like, I could never run four hours. And he meant it. That was the thing. It was kind of, and he lifted his glass up. No, here's to you. I could never run four hours.

Yeah. It's like looking at a fat person and going, wow, I could never eat five plates of pasta in one sitting. You're amazing. Well, it was like, remember I told you about how many very overweight people were around me at mile 26. And I'm just like, hats off to you. Like how, how did you carry that this far? Yeah. Cause I'm like, I dropped like, you know,

15 pounds just in the training for the marathon. And I, my joints were still aching like crazy. Well, you know, the woman that won it this year, shit her pants. Right. Uh, we talked about that. I think, yeah, we talked about it last week, I think. Okay. We talked about, did you see someone? Because I know we got listener mail about it. I then saw, somebody sent me a picture of a woman who, I think it was the Boston Marathon,

who had her period and sharted. So her legs were covered in blood and shit, like running down her legs. But she had both her fists in the air as she crossed the finish line. At least something remained tight. Yeah. She probably created, who wants to come in second? I'll tell you that much. It was like she came in at 210, second place came in around 216.

That's the true phrase. Second wasn't even close. It was actually a pack. It was a pack of them way behind her. They had all stopped to get the shit out of their sneakers. And blood. But anyway, listen, I know it's so hard. Everyone says, oh my God, you got to see it live.

But the David Byrne thing, you know, I delayed. I didn't watch Spike Lee's version of it that he filmed of David Byrne's show, American Utopia. It was amazing. It's incredible. I got the best advice from someone out here who's in the business before I went. Because he's in the business, he said his seats were amazing, like third row. He's like, if I had to do it again, I would get seats in the mezzanine.

And to anyone out there and anyone in New York who has these, mezzanine seats, I think, are 60-something dollars. At the St. James Theater and go. Why is mezzanine better than orchestra? Well, you know, if you think of David Byrne, first of all, well, the lead reason is you see all the choreography. Yeah. Now, also, mezzanines aren't like at the Beacon and other theaters. Broadway theaters, the front row mezzanine is like the 10th row.

Yeah. The overhang is so huge over the orchestra that you're really far up. So it's not that bad of a seat. But another reason is if you picture David Byrne, like, and you may ask yourself, like, he's a very theatrical guy and it's like, he's playing, you know, even when it's a small place, like he's playing to a big, you know what I mean? There's a theatrical thing where he's,

he's not looking down ever. Like he's looking up and, um, and so it's like, he's playing to you, uh, really incredible. So the show's amazing,

but a lot of it about black lives matter and about the pandemic. And I was like, that's interesting because when I almost saw this show, COVID was the reason I couldn't, it was already on Broadway, right? Which pre-existed black lives matter and pre-existed the pandemic and lockdown and isolation in that way.

And so I was like, I'm really interested to see now Spike Lee's, although I think they shot it during the pandemic because the banter is all scripted. I mean, it's a show for sure. You know what I mean? And so and each one really sets up the next song. Great. And so I was wondering what it was before the pandemic anyway. Well, you make me want to get on a plane and go you know it's there i would check how long it's there tickets are really easy i don't know if it's because people could see it on hbo but like you know this is how i knew tickets were easy

my instagram feed kept getting ads for it oh really yeah so that's how I knew it was easy. And I got tickets like two days before. Inexpensive. It's so good. If I lived in New York, I'm not even kidding. I might go. And so I walk after the show, I'm walking around like, what is this feeling? Other than feeling really positive. I'm like, oh, my God.

I actually dropped cynicism for a few hours after the show. Yeah. And I didn't know what that felt like. Right. I remember when Stop Making Sense came out, and that was, who directed that? Academy Award winning director Jonathan Demme from Silence of the Lambs. And I went to the theater, and it happened to be empty, and I was with a bunch of friends, and we fucking danced around the theater.

It was like the greatest movie experience of my life. He had a warning in the theater at one point that the fire marshal, you are allowed to dance, you just cannot do it in the aisles, and then ripped into a fucking amazing song. Did people dance at the show? Oh, totally. Oh, really? Yeah.

I've never seen that at a Broadway show in my life. Oh, all of a sudden he has his acoustic guitar and all of a sudden it's like, you know, you end up at all of a sudden it's like the beginning of burning down the house and he's just on his guitar. And then the music, you know, so what he did was he had an idea influenced by a lot of other artists, but like, can, can everyone be free and untethered? Can everyone walk around they're already doing it obviously microphones started it then guitars like is there like can

i have my keyboard is just walk around with the same concept as a as a as a cordless guitar fine fine fine and then it was big meetings on how do we do this with the drum kit do we put it on wheels whatever and he gave an interview about this. And then finally he was like, all right, it's not my total vision. The drum set will be stationary. We'll all move around it. And then all of a sudden he saw some work of art that totally influenced him. And he went back to his producer and he's like, can I afford four drummers? And the guy's like, what? And he's like, if I have four drummers, I'm going to break up the drum kit and to four, and then everyone can walk around. And, but you just can't believe this sound is coming from these only from these people walking around. So he gives a little speech over. He goes, everyone still doesn't believe me. He goes, everyone says, because listen, I don't mind

even stop making sense. You saw him playing the playing the track you know he pressed play on that for psycho killer you know at the top of the show and he goes uh i don't mind playing check but i can promise you we're not playing the track so because no one believes me i'm gonna do a song now we're you know which is another david byrne thing i'm gonna build it instrument by instrument and you'll see. And it was incredible. Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. Hope it comes to LA. So many, like so many, that's when you're seeing an artist who like, it doesn't matter who your favorite artist is, whether it's a painter, whether it's an opera, you know,

a classical music composer or, or, or your favorite, like if it's a Puccini or whatever it is, it's like, you see these motifs they keep returning to. You see this style they keep returning to. And David Byrne, like with his shadow projected on the back screen of the house, and especially the percussion and everything, and building a song, you know, like that's what it was. It stopped making sense.

He slid out everybody, you know, and he built up the band in Stop Making Sense. And that song did it here. Anyway, you know, I clearly love the guy, but you should find a reason to go to New York and see it. All right. Yeah. And now what about Michigan? Let's talk about Michigan. Cold, and we went to the fucking big house.

Now I'm learning all these college phrases. 109,000 people in the stadium. No shit. Is that the biggest stadium in the country? I think. There's things that are bigger like the Indianapolis 500. Not a single mask.

The reason there's 109 is they are jammed in there. Your knees are touching the back of the person in front of you. Like, it is not roomy at all. Wow. Yeah. And did they win? They did win.

I wasn't that impressed. And now they're playing now. But how's Sophie? How's she doing? Is she having a blast? Doing great, yeah. She's having a total blast. Yeah. Yeah. She's having a total blast. Yeah.

Yeah. She's yeah. She's definitely, definitely loving it. Total college experience. And I remember leaving and I saw, I was looking at her forecast and I'm like, you should get out today. I go, I'm like, I'm not exaggerating at all. I think this is, will be the last day it hits 60 before April.

Yeah. And, uh, and she's like, no, everyone's talking about it. We're outside. Yeah. So she has that coming her way. That's great. Yeah. How is she doing with classes?

Are they hard? They did just when they beat Penn State. They are. You know, I'm helping her with some papers, and I'm like, is that right in college? Like, can you imagine? We didn't even call our parents from college. I spoke to my parents maybe twice each semester. That was it. And my father visited me at college once. Well, I'm surprised even that. Yeah. My dad dropped me off and then he did come up once he and my uncle and took and we went to durgan park

because he heard about how rude waitresses are yeah yeah my dad came up and we had a blast we went to uh he tried he went to bu uh as well he went i forgot about that uh he only got he got an associate's degree but he did it because he'd been in the... My father was... Happy Veterans Day, by the way, to everybody. If you're veterans out there, thank you for your service. Absolutely. And my father was the worst soldier in history. Because, like, other than...

I showed up to college with an Army duffel bag. That was literally all of my belongings, was one Army duffel bag that was literally all of my belongings was one army duffel bag i showed up other kids have fucking microwaves and lava lamps and uh and so that's the only no stories about the military he never talked about it i think he was in it for like basic training and then somehow he was in venice beach cal for four years. I don't know if he was a draft dodger, but he definitely did not serve. But he did take advantage of the GI Bill and went to college. And so he took me up to Boston to BU, and I'd literally never been to Boston before.

I don't know if you know the story, but I was in Europe backpacking when I was 18 after high school. Right. I went away for six months, and while I was away, he applied to BU for me. Wrote the essay, filled out the application. I forgot that story. And I got home, and he went, congratulations, you got into BU. I go, I didn't apply to BU. He went, congratulations.

you got into BU I go I didn't apply to BU he was he went congratulations so I was like I wasn't planning on going to college but after a year of being on my own and working two jobs and traveling I was like college sounds kind of good so he dropped me off I shouldn't say he visited he dropped me off and uh with my duffel bag and then he was going to give me a tour of the campus. He was such a fucking drunk in college. We kept driving around, and he was looking with this blank look on his face, and then he goes, there's the dugout. And we pull over, and we go into this dive bar. You remember the dugout. I forgot about the dugout, yeah.

And we had a few beers, and then he got in the car and drove home. That was it. Right, so he didn't come up again. No. Right, that's the impression I was under. Yeah, my dad did come up one more time. I think my mom came once in four years. Yeah.

Went out to dinner in Southie. Is that the Italian neighborhood? What's the italian neighborhood no south north end north end sorry south is irish yeah right so um wow yeah i mean nothing so anyway she's she's loving it but like i don't know i feel like i'm too involved um stay involved as much as you can as long as you can I really think our culture is like you know you look at European cultures

families stay together more they live together like I really hope oh god don't say that cause our house you know we can put our kids up forever if they want to live with us I don't give a shit I'd love to have them around life's gonna be tough for them life's gonna be fucking hard they're not gonna be us I don't give a shit I'd love to have them around life's going to be tough for them life's going to be fucking hard

they're not going to be able to find jobs for a while I know that I get that but you assume they're going to try to make it in LA yeah they love LA huh but I just thought you fantasized about moving out of LA

oh I'm not going stay there take a little fucking good luck don't let the door hit me on the ass as i get out of here uh we want to give a shout out there's a war going on on sunday papers it's a song writing producing uh oh yeah john cabrera who did this week's, which I think Chris Denman and all the people at Midcoast Media are going to be very excited about this week's song. It's the Midcoast Media theme song. It was very cool. How do they not mention Midcoast's name makes no sense. Yes.

Anyway. It's not on a coast. It's in St. Louis. Well, well you know the coastline of the mighty mississippi we're a los angeles podcast produced out of st louis where all we do is talk about new york uh tony kakachi kaka tony kakes he he trash John Cabrera, as you can remember. So he threw down the gauntlet. Cabrera responded with this week's theme song, but Generation Kills Rob Dukes is currently writing what he says is a song

that will kick all of their asses. This is unbelievable. Hopefully we'll get that this week. We're getting some fucking high-level music. It's flattering as hell. This is incredible. this week we're getting some fucking high level music flattering as hell are you this is incredible and then somebody said uh and this this came from uh mike kakachi he goes this theme song battle royale greg kakase kakase oh wait no this is from john cabrera kathcart remember the stuttering

scene in a fish called wanda oh my god again. Never get away with that today. Never again. But, oh, my God, go watch that clip. Yeah. This theme song, Battle Royale, that's taking place is fucking hilarious. My name is, hearing my name in Tony's song last week had me completely flabbergasted. Holy fuck. I can't wait to hear what Rob Duke's Generation Kill brings to the table. Those guys shred.

So, this is a good idea. This comes from a guy named Obvious Irony who writes in a lot. I just had the thought that you guys could put a selection of the best theme songs or the ones that you've used on the show posted on one of the music sites like SoundCloud or Bandcamp or something like that. You could also create a playlist for them on your YouTube account for the fans. First and foremost, it would be free and would take all of about a half an hour or something like that. You could also create a playlist for them on your YouTube account for the fans. First and foremost, it would be free and would take all of about a half an hour

to do for someone who knows what they're doing. All right, if anyone knows what they're doing, that's a great idea. You know, I know a good source. Who? Midcoast Media, Midcoast Media, Midcoast Media could do it. Yeah, why don't they do it? That was a Midcoast Media song.

All right, we're going to get that up and going. The logo for this week, very cool. I like that one. It is very cool. Kyle Spencer made it specifically for today because it's Bill Keen's anniversary of his death. So we're celebrating Bill's

death. I smell a new mug. Yeah, this one is really, really cool. Bill Keene, as everybody knows, is dead. His son has taken over. What's the son's name? Kill it, Keene, because he kills it every day. He kills it.

Keene. Jeff? Jeff. Jeff Keene? Yeah, I think it's Jeff. With one F? Because Bill was with one L? Leave off the last L for laughs.

Corrections. Amcamp2000 said, Greg's huge mistake this week. Gary Player is a way better golfer than Ernie Els. I said Ernie Els was the best golfer to come out of South Africa. I was off by a long shot. I got, I don't know, 20 of these emails from people. Wow.

Yeah. Sorry to Gary Player, who died. Was Gary Player the one that died in the plane that was the pilot? No, I think they might have all passed out because of oxygen cut off was it it drove into a mountain right i thought it was pain stewart yeah it was why don't you get another are you just trying to are you lonely and you need corrections emailed

to you every week i do from golfers who are very willing to write letters? My cousin's doing well. You know, my cousin's a professional golfer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he came in third in the Honda Classic this year, and he makes some big money. He's wealthy now, and he's just a kid. I played this morning. You went out.

Yeah. I don't golf at 7 in the morning. That's insane. Neither do I. That's why I'm a little out of it. I'm fading. Are we almost done with this? Let's go. Did you get your new golf clubs? I did. I don't want to talk about it.

It's an expensive sport. Thank God I didn't pay. Oh, and then a guy we golfed with this morning goes, I wish you told me i get 50 off taylor made no no joke and that would have been a lot of money yeah damn i know who's that a friend of rabies you need to know basis all right also josh wellman said Mike incorrectly labeled Marius Els, the man who is mauled but not eaten by his adopted hippo, a Florida man. Based on Els' extensive exotic animal collection, he would actually be considered a Texas man. Just a minor correction, but I wanted to maintain the podcast journalistic integrity.

Maybe. But are you saying Florida? I mean, one of the biggest problems down there is with exotic animals in the form of the pythons in the Everglades. Right. And all the, that cat, the wild, the big cat lady and all the big cat attractions in Florida. I don't know. Yes. Texas, of course, is unhinged in the same way. But yeah, as Chris is typing in here, the Tiger King documentary started in Florida.

By the way, Tim Hughes sent in a note about which animals, we talked last week about which animals cause the most human death. Oh, yeah, I didn't mean that. I just meant the most dangerous, Like, I think I was saying like the most dangerous or I know the answer to that. Did you look at the chart that I put in the script? No. All right. And then I'm going to make you guess what's what what living thing has caused the most human deaths? I know you see that. I've not I've loved asking my daughters that and all that. So. Oh, wait, what living thing? What living thing has caused the most human death?

Not animal. Living thing. Well, animal is mosquito. Okay. So that one million people have died from the mosquito last year. Just last year? Just last year. Last year.

Just last year? Just last year. I'd say in order, on planet Earth, it would be mosquito and then humans. Human is number two. You're right. Is that true? Humans killed 475,000 people last year. Oh, but I'm just talking historically also.

Is there a number three? I have up to number 14. Oh, seriously? Yeah. Okay. Uh, number three, Florida men. Is that human? That falls under human? Uh, okay. Number three, uh, is cholesterol alive? Um, mitochondria. Okay. is it really no oh number three uh would be yeah maybe bacteria like the number one the rest are the rest are animals oh or or you know or little insects okay number three would be um jeez i don't even know what three could be. Jesus Christ, you're fucking stalling this bit out. Go ahead. What's three? Number three is snake.

No. 50,000 people died of snakes last year. All right. Go ahead. Number four is dogs. Feral fucking dogs. 25,000 people. Most of them died because they caught rabies from the dog and then died from that.

Right. Number five is the tsetse fly, 10,000 people. I put that in the mosquito list. Then there's a thing called an assassin bug that killed 10,000 people. Whoa, we should have seen that. We should have seen that coming. Look at the name. Freshwater snail.

That's like Lou Gehrig's disease. What? Freshwater snail, 10,000 people. What are you talking about? Wait, because people eat it, obviously. Now, to get to an animal, you got to get on the number 10, which is crocodile at 1,000. Below crocodile is, you said hippopotamus killed the most people. It's number 11, and it killed 500 people.

I wonder in Africa if hippo's above crocodile. Then comes elephant at 100, lion at 100, wolf at 10, and shark, the most feared fucking creature in the world, comes in last place with 10 kills. Last year in the world comes in last place with 10 kills last year in the world they kill i think that's a high i think that's a high number like i bet the year before and you know i bet 20 years ago it was lower millions millions of sharks are killed every year and the only reason they're killing more humans is because we've completely emptied their hunting grounds of fish. Yep.

So anyway, that's a good piece of research from somebody. Thank you. All right. Let's get to, I got some dates coming up in January. Taking off the holidays. And then in January, I will be in January. Taking off the holidays and then in January I will be in Boston in the 13th and the 15th of January.

In Africa, hippo number one by far. Back to your dates in January. Greg, go ahead. And then Portland and then Lexington, Kentucky. Go to FitzDawg.com get yourself some tickets. Come out and see a live show. Also, the mug is a big hit. We got notes from a lot of you. People are taking dog.com get yourself some tickets come out and see a live show also the mug is a big hit we got

notes from a lot of you people are taking pictures of themselves with their mugs and putting them on our instagram i think they're coming around on the logo i chose i really love the logo jack said hey i fucking love the mug i have a bunch of school deadlines and seeing youtube biking around and spreading the good word while i drink my latte is the best. Bill Mungovan said, There's a famous short story by old Henry written in Pete's Tavern on Irving Place, by the way. I knew where it was written. I know it well. Where a couple gives each other very romantic gifts for Christmas.

Well, on my porch just now, I found the Sunday Papers mug I bought for my wife for Christmas in a box made out to me right next to the Sunday Papers mug she bought for me. So he showed a picture of the two UPS boxes next to each other. It's a Christmas miracle courtesy of Sunday Papers. Okay. You're Billy Mungovan. First of all, you would have changed your last name by now. But secondly, what would you have done? Wait a also wait a minute i read this because you forwarded this email to me he said and if you read it out loud on the podcast you'll spot was that him that said that yeah no no no no no that was a different person okay so what would you have done you're billy there's the two mugs.

Good question. She's not home. She doesn't know the two mugs have arrived. Good question. I think you leave hers out, but kind of like a little out of place so that it could be believable that you didn't see it, and you hide yours. I'd say you take hers, hide it,

and open yours and just enjoy it and then she's shitting for a month where the hell the mug is and you say you can prove look no it's me here's my order i ordered it yeah uh ron clark said hey now got the mug late friday i'm christening it with some beer tonight not acceptable beer is not allowed in the Sunday Papers mug. Very acceptable. Very. Also, putting a little hooch in the coffee. In fact, it's encouraged.

P.S., which one of you is riding bitch on the bike? Because there's a guy in the back and a guy in the front. It's confusing because I'm usually wearing the hat, but the guy with the hat is bigger in the picture. So it's a little confusing, but I think it's me, the smaller guy throwing the paper in the back. Well, what's also confusing is since Me Too and since women have made so much progress, I think of the bitch in the front.

Hey now. Yeah. So are you going to ride bitch means are you going to ride in front and take control right but we don't lose the word bitch greg that's the whole joke fitzdog.com or sundaypapers.net pick yourself up a mug for the holidays also while we're talking about it if you're busy if you're busy you want the daily wear system from Mack Weldon. Mack Weldon makes comfortable, cool, breathable T-shirts, polos, shorts, underwear. I got a fucking hoodie from them that is so nice.

What else did you get? Tell them what you told me about 10 minutes ago. I got a hoodie, and I got slippers, and I got socks. I mean, are you going to join some cult that thinks a comet is coming to save us all? Is it just nap time? Were you just like, I just want the most comfortable clothing ever because I'm never going to leave my house again. I'm just going to curl up in a cozy ball. And in the afterlife, you're going to have one outfit and let it be Mark Weldon.

the afterlife you're gonna have one outfit and let it be mark weldon um it it is uh it it's you save time when you have mac weldon products as you don't have to think about what to wear like once i got this hoodie i just i've been putting it on every day it's like a uniform it's nice enough that i wear it on stage and uh with your slippers and they like you when you wear the Ace sweatshorts, you can wear it with the T, and it works. Like, it's all made to work together. And on the weekends, you get your silver-knit polo and radius shorts. Perfect high-tech, highly packable combo. So right now, buy some time with the Mack Weldon Daily Wear System. For 20% off your first order, visit MackWeldon.com slash papers and enter promo code PAPERS.

That's Mack Weldon, W-E-L-D-O-N, Mack, M-A-C-K,.com slash papers, promo code PAPERS for 20% off. Mack Weldon, radically efficient wardrobing. I'm on there right after this podcast because I was out of town and then I saw, hey, you know, a guy encouraging us to go on there and we could order some stuff. And the website was very, like, I'll have a problem narrowing down what I want.

I'm psyched to go get stuff. But no offense, Mack Walden, I'm probably not going to get the slippers just because I don't roll that way. When I walk my dog at night, I slip on the slippers. I walk around the neighborhood with slippers on, and if I had a bathrobe, I'd wear that too. I don't give a shit. It's like you said. Do you know what image?

What image do I have when you say that? It's of a TV show. The Sopranos. Yep. Tony Soprano at the end of the driveway. So he's not cool. Okay. Sopranos.

Yep. Tony Soprano at the end of the driveway. So he's not cool. Okay. A giant Goomba with like an ape face that just with a mouth breathing. It's like, and then he sticks it. No, you're right. Super cool.

Listen, speaking of super cool, what's better than eating the cereals you loved as a child without the guilt of all the sugar and the crap and the garbage. Oh, my God. Just had a bowl 10 minutes before the podcast. Of what? Magic Spoon? Mixed two of them. You ready for the combo I'm talking about? Yeah. Peanut butter with the chocolate one.

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Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sending me another box of variety packs. Did they? You asked for more. Did you get more? What do you mean? That's the bowl. Actually, I'm telling the God's honest truth. I had a bowl 10 minutes before I came on and joined you on this Zoom.

Unbelievable. And your energy is so good. Look at my energy because it's clean energy, Greg. Well, Mike, I think we set set a record we're 51 minutes into the podcast and we haven't read a single news story well we could go further uh-oh i might not have a newspaper up in here i got one okay i have a an amazon christmas bag from a year ago that's paper here we go all right I can crinkle this you wanna know what this is?

what's that? these are the lines I predicted you'd say to shit on my shirt cause it's purple oh no and when you went into it which I

you've lost a step maybe it's cause you're in slippers I was gonna hold up I predicted you'd say that alright hold on. Give me a minute. Happy Easter, asshole. Easter comes in at number two.

Yeah, there we go. Did your boyfriend get the same color? I didn't really go with slamming homosexuals. That's not on my list. Okay. Did you, are you dressed as a Skittle late halloween costume skittle is good i'm on with grimace from mcdonald's okay that's good yeah um are you dressed as your favorite fruit shake no mine i think are well no an equivalent level of uh of unfunny is uh what are you a fucking laker fan all of a sudden or laker pride

something like that how is that laker uh what do you mean they're purple it's a little light it's a little light for that yeah okay uh so i had grimace easter egg laker and then i just had one more what's that are you fucking are you late for some Prince Memorial that's being thrown? There you go. Yeah, why not? All right. Purple, guys. Front page.

Okay. Extra! Extra! We all have bought it! Extra! An Alabama boy. Oh, scary phrase. Maybe that's a new segment. Yeah. Alabama boy. Oh, scary phrase. That's a new segment.

Yeah. Who weighed less than a pound at birth after his mother went into labor at only 21 weeks and one day of gestation, has been certified as the world's most premature baby to survive. Is that an honor? Is that an honor you want? Anyway, go ahead. When I was 16, I was voted most premature by Lisa Cosmos, who I was dating at the time. Guinness World Records announced Wednesday that Curtis Means weighed 14.8 ounces.

A twin did not survive, which is a shame because it would have been a fucking party. How did he only weigh a pound when he ate his twin in the womb? So how did he only weigh a pound when he ate his twin in the womb? The attending physician said statistics show that children born so young have virtually no chance of survival. But Curtis, he beat the odds. And I got to think, this is going to become like a new Hollywood trend for women. It's going to be the new birth craze. It's like, don't take it to term.

So you don't get the stretch marks. You don't stretch out your vagina. No C-section. Half the pregnancy time. If you're an actress, you get a little press out of it. The only drawback is, oh, you look good. Well, I only lost a pound. They're all bummed out yeah right right um i like yeah all right well good good for these uh and he's 20 what does he know 16 months he's 16 months but they don't say

what he weighs at 16 months i couldn't find that in the article fat fuck yeah they say kids like this end up being really high achieving they really do like when you go through this kind of trauma as a baby i think that's a made-up thing but how could you say that how could you say that that's true they're high achieving was this a joke i just stepped on or is that your real opinion i was when i was born i was fucking tiny i was i was not premature but i was like uh uh my bird i was like five pounds something five you were just a penis i was i was all cock i was five five five five and four of those pounds were cock there we go all right okay uh this next story not it's not big i just thought uh and poor guy god bless him died

but it's just a little too ironic glenn devries is was an astronaut who flew to space with william shatner a couple of weeks ago died in a small plane crash in new jersey the small plane mount for sussex airport in new jersey crashed Thursday and unfortunately killed two people, including the man who flew to space with William Shatner. Like, you'd think you could survive anything if you went to space with William Shatner. Well, not just, but you, didn't you do it? You fucking, you're not going to top outer space with Captain Kirk. You don't fly again after that. You go out on top.

What's going to happen in New Jersey in a two-seater that's going to beat that? Everything's anticlimactic after that. And how undignified compared to being in a space like just to fly right into the dirt of New Jersey. I know. It sounds like a Springsteen song. And of course, everyone with the same reaction. Why couldn't it have been Shatner?

Well, especially Spock. He fucking hates him. I think everybody that worked with Shatner hated him. I know. I worked with him one day on a late night show. I told you he wanted to fight me,

so I don't like him. Right, right, right. Also, and I'll say it every time his name comes up, 911 call. His wife is dead at the bottom of the pool. Police show up. Shatner's dry. Doesn't make any sense. Yeah.

No sense. No sense. Especially because I think he held her underwater and killed her. So why is he still dry? This is a, let's do some local news. The Next Door app. We like to do news from the Next Door app. This one is a woman named Danielle posted this.

Oh, this was sent to us, wasn't it? Yeah, somebody sent this to us. I really like this story. This was in Los Angeles. Hit and run on my cat. To whomever killed my cat on the second block of Angelo Drive yesterday morning and didn't have the heart to contact us right away, you have caused so much

pain for my kids and my family. We could have gotten him to the vet, but instead he died in our car. He didn't have us to soothe him. My five-year-old daughter had to find him dying in his last breaths on the street. She keeps wishing he would come back to life. Thank you to the father and son that found us so we could find him out front of our house, hanging on by his last thread. He was the most gentle, smart, and beautiful family member. Was he? Did you have a contest? Did the thing that shits on your floor and ignores you? They're still in mourning. They're still in mourning. Please slow down when you drive. Our little kids are here too.

Look in front of you. Rest in peace. Here it is. Mick Jaguar. I don't think it's real because it was like it's such like a subtle little setup building that punch line at the end. It's just well, if it was Jaguar. Yeah, it was Mick Jaguar. I would have survived.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. He would have moved. He would have moved like Jaguar. Oh, God. I ran over a cat one time. It was the worst.

I was driving down my street, and my street is kind of dark. The street lamp, for some reason, isn't always on. You mean emotionally after you killed the cat on it, yeah. And I'm driving, and then something dives under my tire, and I slam on the brakes, and it was too late. And I get out, and there's this dead cat, and it's black, and he's crushed. And I look at his name collar, and I'm not making this up. The cat's name was Icky. And so I called the number on the on the collar and i said and i said hi do you um

do you have a cat named icky and she's like yes and i said um i have some bad news i said he darted out in front of my car and i ran no and she she runs out of her house it was like literally in front of her house. And she comes out and she picks up this mangled, bloody cat. And she's crying and she's holding it up. And the neighbors all come out because they hear the screaming. And there's like a crowd of people. And I'm trying to apologize.

And I was like, I'm so sorry. And she was screaming. And the neighbor just went, you should go. You should just go. And so I got in my car and I left. Not, you should go. You should just go. And so I got in my car and I left. Not before you hand her the bill for your fender. But I dropped off a fruit basket the next day for icky. Did you really?

Yeah. You know, it's very close to that great, great joke about, you know, the cat, which is a visual joke, so we won't do it here. But that's very close to that joke, though, where the guy has to find the house of the cat he ran over. But, you know, we really owe the listeners more. Like, I'm looking at it now. Like, we should have a list of what else could have been the punchlines.

Like, how about this? We'll ask our listeners to write in if they want to instead of just correcting us. Like, Mick Jaguar is perfect, but there have to be other ones like that. You know what I mean? You mean other names for the cat? Yeah. That are punny, punny,

ridiculous names that completely take the grad, like they puncture this sort of sacred balloon and, uh, the morbidity above it, uh, with a funny, unintentionally funny name. Right.

Rest in peace, Mick Jaguar. I just wouldn't have written that. Yeah. Chris Denman just wrote Doogie Meowser. Wow, that's a long way to go. I think it's good, though. It's a to go. I think it's good, though. It's a good start. I think it's good.

That's not bad. And then he's writing Hitler. How is that a cat name? Just Hitler? All right. Wow. No creativity with that one, really. No.

Yeah. Let's do some entertainment. Oh, here it goes. Are you caught up with Succession? Yes, very much caught up and hanging. I got to tell you something. You know, we all love binging. It can be really satisfying, and it can really, you know,

you feel a little hungover after five episodes of something, but there's something. But I love that Succession is on HBO and I can only watch one episode at a time and I wait all week for it. I look forward to it. Don't you like that? A little bit. But like so one drop to show drop this week. I think it's on Apple maybe. dropped this week. I think it's on Apple maybe, but Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd, they've made a movie or a TV series, a limited series out of the podcast, which I think was out of a like

New York magazine article about that psychiatrist in New York. And it's called The Shrink Next Door. Okay. So what they did do is they, their opening move is dropping three episodes. Yeah. So that's what they did. And those are out now. And I don't know what day they come out. I don't know. I don't know if it's, um, maybe it's Hulu. No, I think it's Apple. But anyway, uh, I don't know when, like, you know, obviously all of HBO's stuff seem to be on Sundays. What are you talking about? We just brought up Succession, and now you're plugging some podcast show. No, you asked how I like to watch them, and my thing is three just dropped of the new show,

and now they're going to be once a week, and I don't know if I prefer that. I like it. It reminds me of the old days where Sunday nights was always the big night, whether it was Sopranos or whether it was— Oh, The Wire, all of them on Sunday night. The Wire or Deadwood. I just love looking forward to Sunday nights. The huge one most recently, of course, was Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones on Sundays.

And I'd watch 60 Minutes first and then watch it. Oh, like the old days. So do you get like really psyched to like turn your 60 Minutes on every Sunday and put your slippers on? Yep. And I put on my Mark Weldon sweatshirt. You got your mug with you riding bitch in the front. I got a bunch of free shit this week from

sponsors. I got this coffee and chocolate one that I, for childish, we do this coffee and chocolate delivery service. It was fucking nice. I got nothing. Mac Weldon. The closest I got to it was a guy just telling me after the fact that he could have gotten me 50% off really expensive golf clubs.

That's brutal. Fucker. All right. Let's talk about, you wanted to talk about Curb? I mean, are you just going to bring up Succession and let it dangle and then change the subject? I mean, you got to take your riddle in a half hour before the podcast. I don't know how I feel about succession. I don't know. You were just talking about Mark. Well,

I don't know how I feel about succession. Um, I I'm really liking it. It's a, I find it a little heightened right now, but, uh, but there are really small moments that that i did so you're caught up there's a scene just where there's if even for people who are not caught up or for people who haven't even watched it this is a such a dysfunctional family and there are moments and i think the biggest fear of any of them is to be alone in a room with a family member because it's just this intimacy that they don't want. Yeah.

And there are scenes when the oldest son and the father are alone. There was a couple at the beach or whatever. It is unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and also when there's this one scene where the husband of the daughter is with the goofy guy who's like the cousin. Their scenes are unbelievable. Their scenes are unbelievable.

They're so fucking, the acting is so good. It's like a play. I mean, it's like a play i mean it's essentially a play and and i you know i always wonder this about things i'm impressed with i'm like there had to have been some improvisation there because like on paper some of their scenes make no sense like i'm imagining the script and it's like and also one of them usually you know the younger one is so like wait are you serious like wait i don't get it and you know and greg the guy who's playing is so incredible uh at at being passive aggressive and not meaning what he says and taking a long way around to make a really threatening point, you know what I mean? It doesn't make sense on

paper. Yeah, and the guy Macaulay Culkin's brother, I can't remember his name, he's so funny because He just hosts SNL. I want to do a Mad Magazine of succession because in each

scene I would have him sitting on a couch with his legs up, and in the next one, he would be hanging off a banister, and the next one, he would be Indian style in a hanging hammock. He's always in a different position in every scene. Just super immature and everything. Yeah. No, I put Curb in here. I can't remember if we talked about it last week, but oh my God, that detail. Are you caught up on Curb in here, and I can't remember if we talked about it last week, but oh my God, that detail. Are you caught up on Curb? No. Well, this doesn't ruin anything, but he has a show idea. He finds himself in Netflix, and Netflix has, you've been there a million times in terms of pitching in a room, and there's the executive hearing it, and then there's three executives who are just taking

notes. You know what I mean? They're in the room also. And the three hearing it. And then there's three executives who are kind of like just taking notes. You know what I mean? They're in the room also. And the three executives when he's in Netflix are, I think it's a trans man. If it's not a trans man, I think I'm being respectful saying it this way. If it's not a trans man, then it is a woman basically dressed like a boy would dress like butch well no no there's a there's a tie all the way up top button a jacket but it looks like almost almost like how i say boy because it's almost like how uh you know farley would dress would drive you know what i mean so anyway

but let's go with trans man because then all my then, then I'm, then I'm, I'm safe. I think trans man, gay black guy, and then a woman, a black woman in a wheelchair or a woman in a wheelchair. So that's the three executives. Okay. Now next episode or two later or whatever, he finds himself in Hulu in the pitch meeting on the couch. Three people, a black, I think trans male, I believe a gay, a really like flamboyant gay Asian guy. And then what looks to be an Indian woman. And then there's only one time that this gets mentioned or at all addressed. And it's when the one guy goes like, no, no, we've heard of it. They've heard of it. He's like, wait, by they, are you referring to them or are you referring to?

And that's the only time it gets brought up. And I love that it just wasn't being brought up, that that's what Hollywood looks like now. But that's no caricature. I just talked to somebody who did a round of pitch meetings. 100% accurate. It's 100% accurate. He said that's exactly how it is. It's just there's not a straight white man to be

found in a pitch meeting anywhere. And you know what? And it's unfair. I'm kidding. I don't know if there was a straight female on any of those couches. Maybe. Maybe the woman in the wheelchair. I know we have a friend who's a TV writer, a female who you know very well,

and she can't get work. I go, wait a minute. I thought this was the time for women. She's like, black women. She's like, I don't check enough boxes. She's like, I only check one box. Right. Yeah.

But, you know, it reminded me, there should be a sketch, though, where, you know, of course, Hollywood's overreaction, everything. But where it's like some writer comes in with the most relatable story, you know, like what's personal is universal. And it's like, you know, so this story is about getting dumped by your boyfriend in high school and how you can't talk to him. And it's like, and then the executives there are like, I don't see it. I can't see it. And it's like, well, I mean, everyone like has, you know, I think a lot of women will be able to relate to this because your boyfriend breaks up with you in high school and you're so insecure. Like, no, I just was, I was just in my room like praying, you know, why did you make me a female?

Like, that's a universal story. And eventually Hollywood's going to realize, you know, that's a story that 0.08% of the population can relate to. Unless you, of course, are good enough to expand it to some universal themes of feeling out of place. But like, I just see a sketch like where someone's explaining the most universal thing in the world, and the executives don't get it because they've had an incredibly unique experience. Well, I'll tell you an executive who does get it in the news. Opie, Ron Howard. Uh-huh.

He said in an interview that top studio and network executives involved with Happy Days treated him, quote, with a lot of disrespect after Henry Winkler's character Arthur Herbert the Fonz, Fonzarelli, became more popular than Howard's character, Richie Cunningham. Howard said that Richie was meant to be the undeniable lead of Happy Days, but Winkler proved remarkable as the Fonz from the first episode. While Fonz said it was exciting to watch viewers fall in love with Winkler as Fonzie, he accused the studio heads and network heads of, quote,

treating me with a lot of disrespect from a business standpoint, just in terms of interaction. Well, I think you might have gotten him back later. With, like, literally, Henry Winkler talks about how he could not get work because people just saw him as the fawns meanwhile fucking uh ron howard you know he he directed night shift which is directed or produced no i think he directed night shift night shift splash cocoon directed Night Shift. Night Shift, Splash, Cocoon, Backdraft, The Paper, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind,

Cinderella Man, Frost Nixon. I mean, this guy is one of the most successful directors in history. And he's done others as well. And I believe he won an Academy Award, I think. He did. And known as one of the nicest guys in town. And meanwhile, apparently, how about throwing Winkler a bone like one of the nicest guys in town and meanwhile

apparently like how about throwing winkler a bone and one of these fuck i don't remember henry winkler with a space suit on in apollo 13 i don't remember with a fire with a firefighter's outfit on a backdraft he and meanwhile he apparently made winkler the godfather to all four of his kids so you gotta you just gotta pictureinkler every time he gets the call from Ron Howard, like, hey, man, come on over. I want to talk to you about something. He's like, finally. He's going to fucking hook me up.

Let's do this. And then you find out, no, just being saddled with birthday gifts for life for another human being. Well, Winkler's hit his stride, though. You know, he has a very popular... Yeah, 30 years later I know I think he did he win the Emmy he won a big

award either Golden Globe or Emmy but do you know that and I don't know if it was if it was Ron Howard who did it but Ron Howard's production hired him do you know what show I'm talking about no Arrested Development

oh right right right Henryry winkler ron howard is one of the producing companies of that show and ron howard is the voiceover okay of arrested development and never put that together and winkler kills it as the stupid lawyer. He's so fucking funny in it. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the best shows of all time. Launched his comeback. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that was the first day. Was that before election? I don't know. Because he was great in election as well. I got to see election again. I don't remember. What role was he in election?

Oh, in Waterboy. Wasn't he the principal? Was he? Okay. Yeah. And then guess who was the vice he in election? Oh, in Waterboy. Wasn't he the principal? Was he? Okay. Yeah, and then guess who was the vice principal in election? Matt Malloy. Matt Malloy. He's coming back to L.A.

Let's go into some bad news. Let's go into some bad news. Oh, Drake. Hours after his performance with Travis Scott, Drake reportedly went to a strip club in Houston where he spent, ready for this, $1 million on strippers. Wow. That's a story on its own. Drake was seen at Area 29.

And I was trying to think about this. Why Area 29? What does that mean? I don't know. Did they want it to be Area 69, but the zoning wouldn't allow it? So it's a little wink? It's Houston. It's near the border.

Maybe there's a lot of aliens because it sounds like the area that has aliens. Who is it? It's the same night eight people died and 300 were injured at Travis's Astroworld concert. The strip club video comes after TMZ reported that Drake and Travis partied at a Dave & Buster's in Houston the same night. Travis left once he heard about the deaths. Quote, Travis didn't know the severity of the situation when he arrived at the party. You know what might have tipped him off was when he was on stage watching thousands of people crush into each other.

That might have tipped him off. Could he not see the front row of his own fucking show? Well, he's told audiences before to push up. Oh, really? He also is being passed around. So all this footage is coming out.

And I don't know if you can blame the guy based on this footage, but one time he was being passed around so all this footage is coming out and I don't know if you can blame the guy based on this footage but one time he was being passed around you know like on the hands of people and you know surfing the crowd and someone like kind of tried to take his sneaker he then asked the crowd to beat the guy

oh no shit yep that video came out you know the weird thing is beat that motherfucker. We'll let it go. Wow. Kept pointing at him and then kicked the guy out. Yeah. The worst part was when he got to Area 29,

apparently it was really crowded and he was like, man, I can't breathe in here. Get these naked bitches to back off and stop sweating me. Or he's just a hypocrite. He's like, hey, bitch, get off my lap. It's fucking crowded. It's hard to breathe. You don't even get what a strip club's about, Travis.

Let's get to it. Florida, man. Why don't you read it, even though I put it in there? Oh, I had seen it. Back to the strip club, poor women all had bloody handprints all over their asses because the blood on Travis's hands

with Drake. We have a Florida man who is behind bars, was charged last week with aggravated battery by an inmate after battering the fellow inmate. Detention deputies responded to the duo's cell Thursday night after Christopher Callen, 33,

grabbed his 57-year-old cellmate by the shirt and punched him several times. According to deputies, Callen beat his cellmate because, quote, the man farts too much, stinking up the cell. Callen also told deputies that his cellmate fails to give a, quote, courtesy flush. Hey, how about a courtesy flush, roomie? And speaks in weird languages. The victim was treated for two missing teeth and a broken rib.

The victim told deputies they didn't know why Callen had attacked him. Well, I don't think it helps to beat the shit out of your roommate who farts too much and doesn't courtesy flush. That's a step in the wrong direction. I'll tell you, worse things can happen in a prison cell with your pants down than getting your teeth knocked out. I mean, if I had a choice. Yeah, exactly. teeth knocked out i mean if i had a choice yeah yeah exactly um god this is like the nicest florida man story we've done yet actually you gotta think how much farting must happen in jail because they're serving them some nasty ass food i think stress causes flatulation and and just they're just dirty men farting yeah also anal sex creates a lot of gas oh yeah it shoves it shoves the air up there

yeah but like isn't it weird like in the cell there's the toilet and you're sharing the cell with another guy and you have to sit down and take a shit like two feet away from a guy. I think that's the least of the problems in there. But yeah. Wow. Jesus. A little pressure. It would be tough for you to squeeze one out.

You ever spent the night in jail? Yeah. And they didn't have toilet paper. And so I kind of made a little bit of a scene asking for toilet paper. They thought it was funny that I didn't have toilet paper. Really?

Yeah. Thinking back on it, it's weird that I wasn't in that long. Now, by the way, it just occurred to me for the first time. I wasn't in jail that long, yet I took a duker in there. Yeah.

Well, because what else can you do it's really the only activity the toilet's right there and you're bored yeah i did not take i was in jail twice and one of the times i was there for three nights and i did not take a shit the entire time that's a funny sketch. Someone is only in jail for the night, right? Because he got arrested at night. But yet by the next day, he's already made toilet wine. He's also already made a replica of himself that he's going to put in his covers because he's also already dug out from like the cinder blocks. Like he's gotten half of a tunnel already made.

He's only been in there one night. Right. He got a college degree. Do you mind if I walk in the yard? I got some cinder block in my pocket that I need to dump in the yard. You're fucking a guy. It's like, we've only been here six hours. You're that horny?

You've already joined the white supremacist group. You've been here seven hours and you're isolated in your own cell. Hey, hey. All right, listen. Let's, uh...

I'm listening. Let's go international. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let's go international. Oh, yeah. All right. We're going to skip this first one. Should we do this first one? I don't know. I read it last night, and I forgot to write jokes on it.

But, okay. Well, I like it. All right. This guy. From what I've read. A young autistic gay man in England. All right. This guy. From what I've read. A young autistic gay man in England. All right. You got me. Who uses clothing to express his identity was turned away from a swanky restaurant because a doorman found his leopard print pants to be, quote, too, too much. It sounds like the doorman is also in the fashion industry.

He looked me up and down. Too much. He looked me up and down three times and said it felt like he was judging me. Citing a smart casual dress code, the doorman told Rogers jeans were allowed, but what I was wearing was too, too much. Now, Disney autistic. I'm with the doorman. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think, plus, didn't England outlaw style a long time ago? And what do you think the doorman's job is? His only job is to judge people. Yes. Are you old enough to come in here? You know what? I'm going to need to see ID because I'm judging you look too

young to be in here. Oh, you're getting too violent and out of control in here. I'm going to have to throw you like that. This is all a doorman does. Yes. And if they doesn't do that, the club does not feel exclusive. Some people must be thrown out. Some people must be told,

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to Brexit the restaurant. Oh, wow. Come on. I also, what if these pants were on someone else who wasn't like,

if it was just on a woman and it was too, too much? A woman could have worn those pants. I think it was the fact that the guy was autistic. Well, no, that's, I think, the autistic guy. He's an autistic gay man, a young autistic gay man, which I'm going to call a YAG.

So this YAG, that's his judgment, I imagine, is that this doorman would have let it pass with a woman. Yes. Or someone else. Speaking of autistic. So who's the real judger in this, huh? You yag. Right, right. You know, we've talked about love on the spectrum and how much we loved it.

Well, Michael, who's the one I love the most, started his own podcast. You're kidding me. Yes. I haven't heard it yet. I'm following it. I'm going to listen to it. Yeah. I can't wait to listen to it. Let's both listen to it and talk about it next week. All right. Done. Let's go to Portugal. Yeah. Ever had a persistent boss who won't stop messaging you once you've left work or logged off? In Portugal, that behavior is now illegal.

Boundaries. So wait a minute. Does this include dick pics? Because those are usually sent at night. Yeah, I mean, that's understood. That's understood. That's like saying, I mean, can I not get dressed for work before work? I mean, not all work happens at the workplace.

Right. Mike's been living by this code of never working except on the actual podcast for a long time. There are a couple of stories that were new to me today. Yeah, I will admit that. I was up early this morning, man. I didn't have time. Why were you up early? Oh, that's right, playing golf.

Yeah. What's the worst violation of this that has happened to you i was thinking about this i'll tell you mine um i was contacted after work it was the day after christmas 2004 and i was working on the ellen degeneres show and we had written a monologue and taped a monologue that was supposed to air on December 26th. And the monologue was about going to the beach, riding a wave, and making fun of tsunamis. That happened to be the day a tsunami hit Thailand or that whole area. Mm-hmm. Do you know how many people died?

A lot, right? Guess. 800? More. Really? I don't know. Guess. Oh, okay.

4,000. More. Okay. I'm not going to be a dick and go high. I'm going to now say 8,000. More. Okay. I'm not going to be a dick and go high. I'm going to now say 8,000. More. Okay. That was my last guess. 250,000 people died. No.

250,000 people died. From the tsunami? Yes. Wow. Isn't that insane? I don't remember. i would have bet everything against if you said a hundred thousand that would have sounded crazy to me so they called us in to work to come up with a new monologue for that day because you obviously could not fucking air that

and it was the day after christmas you only did jokes on 800 people dying that's right what was your worst having to work outside of the office oh there were a million of them but one like that was uh spike ferriston show on fox he had a late night show that no one heard of or watched but we were forced to tape two shows a week because of the budget. One would air that week. Uh, so let's say we taped it Friday. I think it would air Saturday night or something. And then one would air later. And so a couple of times, I think there might, I think that guy, Ed Bradley from 60 minutes, we made fun. He used to wear an earring. We made fun of his earring while that guy died. So we were pulled in to change that show and remove that joke. Let's see. Sometimes repeats of late night shows. So anything that made fun of Anna Nicole Smith was yanked from all repeats at that time, like when she passed away.

Yeah. But I'm just trying to think, you know, I don't know. I mean, sitcoms are very unfair. You lose a lot of weekend. What about the times you had to hang out with Craig Kilborn socially? I mean, that's out of work. Craigers, actually, he's fantastic out of work. Yeah.

But, yeah, you're right. I think even on Ellen, though, we were dragged in there on weekends. Oh, yeah. For sure. During sweeps. During sweeps. During sweeps, for sure. Yeah. You know, that's a good question.

I'm not coming up with – there's definitely examples. All right. Well, why don't we make that a thing for this week? Write us at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. What's the worst violation of having to do something outside of the workplace that you ever had to go through? That's a good topic. In the Netherlands, doctors claim they've seen the first ever case of scrotal necrosis

from a highly venomous snouted cobra after a snake bit a man's balls from inside a toilet. Hold on. So they have a name for something that's never existed? Exactly. Okay, let's keep going. Like, you know, heaven. The 47-year-old orgasm.

All right, go ahead. The 47-year-old patient was on vacation in South Africa at a wildlife reserve when a cobra surprised him from below. He waited three hours for a helicopter to fly him to the nearest trauma center, Okay. First of all, you know, this is one of the biggest irrational nightmares people have, like a shark in a pool. Yeah. The snake in the toilet. I did not need to read this story.

Yeah. I know. And then apparently there is like advice when you are in areas where there are lots of snakes and venomous snakes. The advice is to flush the toilet before going. Really? But is that going to stop it? Well, there's not always flushing.

Like if you go, I remember Tom O'Neill told me about traveling in Vietnam and the bathroom is a hole in the floor that you squat over and shit. And there are snakes down there. woman from the Jeffrey Epstein who's in jail, you know, yeah, Giselle or Giselle, who was accused of grooming the girls and all that. She does complain this week in her prison cell. There was like a hole that rats would come out of a rat. And she kept saying there's a rat and then finally the guards saw the rat pop up at the like right moment. So that's where she's living. So that kind of made me chuckle.

That makes me happy. Yeah. But this was crazy. But so I did read this story. So he went home and he had to get surgeries, but he went home to his wife and he was on tons of antibiotics with his scrotal necrosis, which was his penis, just skin falling off it. Oh, God. But can you imagine, though, the wife hearing, like, you were going a long way to describe why you're on antibiotics and your penis is shedding. Yeah, right, right, right.

Tell me this tale again. It was a snake? Yeah. And was the toilet at a massage parlor in Bangkok? Yeah. What's happening there? All right, let's do some sports. Yeah.

Your story. You don't like it. I'm reading it anyway. Paris Saint-Germain women's footballer Sandro Mato. San Gimignano Diallo faced questioning from police over the assault of a teammate. Diallo was arrested Wednesday morning

in connection with a vicious attack on Kira Hemrao last week who was pulled from a car and beaten on the legs with an iron bar by two masked men. Diallo was driving Hemrau home at the time, and police are trying to determine if she had any link to the violence,

which left the victim needing stitches on cuts to her legs and hands. I had no idea Jeff Gallulli was dating a French soccer player. So the accused was driving? The accused was driving. A woman that she plays with was just mysteriously pulled from a car by a guy and beaten. Do you mind if I take a shortcut?

This is a little way I go. It's a cul-de-sac, but it's weird. Somehow it's shorter. We'll go down it and we'll come back out in 10 minutes. Pull up to a red light and the auto lock opens. You're like, wait a minute. Right. It's like,

help, help. It's like, hold on. It's a keyless car. I'm new at it. I'll be there in a second. Why are you handing this guy cash? Well, you know, I like to tip the homeless. Oh, man. All right. I like to tip the homeless. Oh man. Uh,

all right. I want to follow this story. I mean, they're, they've stolen a chapter out of, uh, as you pointed out, out of our,

uh, skaters here. What are their names? Uh, Tanya and Jan and, uh, Tanya Harding. And who was the,

the one with a good image, but she was far from good also. Oh, right, right. What was her name? Chris. Come on, Chris. Tonya Harding, and it's so weird you can forget, but it has been a long time. Oh, my God.

Tonya Harding and Kerrigan, Nancy Kerrigan. Nancy Kerrigan, there you go. I got it before you, Chris. Yeah, Chris is a little slow today. He's also too young to remember off the top of his head. No bet last week. The Tampa Bay had a bye this week. They are playing Washington in Washington, giving nine and a half points.

Right now, I am down $120 to you. By the way, let's talk about Washington for a second. Do you think they're being obstinate? Like, okay, you want to take away our name? We're going to think about it for a few years. In the meantime, just call us the Washington football team. Yeah. Like, it's almost an obnoxious move.

Like, well, you're getting what you deserve. Right, because you know there's a marketing department Like, it's almost an obnoxious move. Like, well, you're getting what you deserve. Right, because you know there's a marketing department at the Washington football team that is paid six figures a year just to come up with shit like the name of a football team. And that's what they come up with. Yeah, and the NFL takes a big slice of merch. Yeah. It hurts the Washington football team, too,

but it seems like you could find a name, right? Boy, they really went fucking crazy with that Atlanta Braves chop. They didn't used to do that chopping thing so much. That's totally obstinate. I think they're doubling down on that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like it.

I don't like it. No. And do they do the la, la, la, la? I don't know. That's like doing do they do the la, la, la, la? I don't know. That's like doing your eyes and saying it's a Chinese person. Like it's, yeah, that has to go, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's got to stop.

I mean, just, it's not that difficult to let it go. I don't think it's a big issue. No. And they put out this report. Well, they interviewed Native American people, and they don't really give a shit about it. And then they came back and they did another one. They went, oh, no, actually, yeah, they do. It was a very flawed study. My pool, you know, I'm in a suicide pool. Typical Indian givers. They gave consent and they took it back. Ooh. Where does Indian giver come from? It's kind of the opposite because the Indians were given reservations and then had them taken back, and yet they call that the Indian giver. That is weird.

I never thought about that. It's probably some horrible, you know, whatever. Anyway. My pool, I'm in a suicide pool a football pool where you pick one team a week and if you lose you're out of the pool no point spread you just pick win or lose and you can't pick the same team twice i thought about you because i don't really follow football because i'm a jets fan but i looked at the scores last week. There were a considerable amount of upsets. Crazy amount of upsets.

And the one big one was... Giants? Was it the Giants? Didn't the Giants beat... It's always the Giants and the Jets. The Giants beat someone they had no business beating. I never bet against New York teams because that's my number one rule in this pool. And guess what?

Last year, I won the pool. 240 people. I won it. This year, 220 people. I'm in the final seven right now. How much do you win? I think we put in $30 each, so it's like, I don't know, $6,000 or something. I've told this story

before but i remember when i got you involved but i joined the hbo one i didn't know what i was doing but i also had that rule i never bet four against new york teams and um it was uh the pool was twenty thousand dollars no shit i think everyone put in a, and it went company-wide in Time Warner. Damn. And I was in the last three. No shit. No, you remember this. And you guys didn't split the pot?

No, what happened was this. Everyone, and I think you gave me money, everyone was freaking out saying I would win, and I started to hate hearing it so much. And the other two guys offered a settlement. And every one of my friends was like, you are the only one that has a lock this week. They, of course they want to settle. You still have the biggest point spread in your favor this week. And everyone told me that and these guys. So I was finally, I was like, well, do you want a piece? And they're like, well, what do you mean?

I'm like, well, a hundred bucks will win you a thousand. And they're like, that's a fucking no brainer. So I collected a hundred bucks from 10 people figuring I'll still win 10,000, but I just put a thousand in my pocket. Right. So I did that and I go still win 10,000, but I just put 1,000 in my pocket, right? So I did that, and I go, but listen, it's democracy to a point. Everyone can chime in on who I should pick, but I have the ultimate decision. And everyone agreed that week I'd pick, obviously, the biggest lock. I lost that week. So you didn't take the payout? I didn't take the payout, but I took $1,000 from my friends.

And they all couldn't even blame me. They're like, that's the dumbest luck ever. And what was the pot worth again? $20,000. Jesus. Yep. 200 people. I'm not doing any splits because they have a thing on the website.

They do a thing called the strength rankings based on what good teams you haven't picked yet. Yeah, I heard they can crunch that number now. My strength rankings would have been through the roof. I've been number one for this whole second half of the season. Yeah. So I'm in the lead. I haven't picked the top three teams I haven't picked yet, and I haven't picked like six or seven of the top ten teams.

I remember kind of studying it. And one of the things I might've stumbled on was by definition, the person that wins this has done something unusual. And so one of the theories was just early on, um, you, you have to take a chance. Oh no.

The first week I pickedolina and they were a terrible fucking team but uh they have a thing in this pool where if you lose in the first week you can re-up so i figured i'm not going to burn a good team in the first week if i can just re-up so i took i took a shit team that i knew i wouldn't have to pick again for the rest of the season and uh and they ended up winning so it was I didn't even have to re-up. Yeah. So this week I'm picking the Pittsburgh Steelers over the Detroit Lions. It's a 7.5-point spread.

There's like 10.5-point spreads I could take. What a working-class battle that game is. Right. But Detroit hasn't won a game yet this year, and the game is in Pittsburgh. I think it's a good bet. So I'm going to go with that, and then I'll still be left with, like, all my top teams. Yeah, we haven't talked about Aaron Rodgers. What do you think about that?

I don't care. Who cares? Well, you know, our buddy Joe Rogan is involved, I guess, although he didn't ask to be. Oh, right. Yeah, he gets dragged into these things a lot. But no, look, Aaron Rodgers, he's going to lose a lot of money, but he's got a lot of money. So it's not like they're going to punish him by taking sponsorships away. The guy makes $20 million a year or whatever.

What's another million? Is this his last year, though? They always say that. It will be with the long-term COVID that he's got. Denman says it's his last one on contract, but he'll be playing somewhere else

next year. He was trying to get out. I remember all summer he was trying to get off the team, and it didn't happen. Maybe he'll go to the Raiders. They seem to be people who don't like following rules. So Chris wrote this. This Indian giver derives from the alleged practice of American Indians of taking back gifts from white settlers.

It is more likely that the settlers wrongly interpreted the Indians' loans to them as gifts. This term, which is certainly American, may have been coined to denigrate the native race. Of course it was. Also, it's a psychological jiu-jitsu move of accusing the other person of what you're doing and what you're so self-conscious of doing.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to give you, Hey, you have all this space. You know what? It's not going to be as big as we said. It's going to be small, small. You know what?

Get into this bus that's parked in the woods. That's going to be your reservation. Yeah. You know, you can keep all those blankets. All right, let's do some science. We can.

Dear, watch out. Let's do some science. We can. Deer. Watch out. Scientists have evidence that SARS-CoV-2 spreads explosively in white-tailed deer and that the virus is widespread in this deer population across the U.S. It's very concerning. They found that 30% of deers tested across Iowa have it. they found that 30% of deers tested across Iowa have it. So they could become what's known as a reservoir, which means they could carry it indefinitely, spread it back to humans periodically.

If that's the case, it would essentially dash any hopes of eliminating or eradicating the virus in the U.S. This is a big fucking story, because how the fuck are we going to get deers to wear masks? We can't even get human beings to wear them. It's all going to go to Joe Rogan to to what some would call it a bow and arrow. Right. Bring his archery in and take out every American deer.

Right. If only there was a bunch of anti-vaxxers that were heavily armed and had a lot of fatigues that could do something about this problem. Hmm. Where will we find them? How is it spread back to humans? Um, by when we eat them? I think when they don't wash their hooves. I guess when you eat them, right? Or you're having sex with them? Well, that seems like a pretty easy thing. Like, I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about, but cutting venison out of the diet for a while.

You know, here's the thing, though, is, ooh, I have a guess. What if it's like Lyme disease? What if it's a tick could give you COVID? Oh, right, right. These fucking dirty animals are already giving us Lyme disease. Hey, by the way, you know, obviously I'm an old man now, but, you know, I've been complaining about being sore, you know, and I'll ache, you know.

You know what I never thought to do is get tested for Lyme disease. You know how many people have it that don't realize it? No shit, really? Oh, my God, yeah. And it mimics, especially MS, but it mimics other diseases too. Oh, dude, Lyme disease destroyed my aunt's life for 20 years. She goes on an IV drip once a week, an antibiotic IV drip. She's had every disease as a result of having Lyme.

She's got it bad. It's easy. I mean, I'm getting a blood panel anyway. Throw that in there. Do it! Why not? How about this? Take HIV off. My behavior's not that risky. And add Lyme disease, please. Well, I think if we're going to

solve this, we should force deer to only do outdoor dining. Let's get to some business. Are you going to force baby deer to get vaccinated? Does little does. You're going to force them to get vaccinated and school from home? What happened? Business. Oh, we're going What happened? Business. Oh, we're going to business?

Yeah. Veterans have become unlikely lobbyists in one of our favorite issues in the push to legalize psychedelic drugs, specifically mushrooms. Jose Martinez, a former army gunner whose right arm and both legs were blown off by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan, has a new calling. He's become one of the most effective lobbyists in a campaign to legalize the therapeutic use of psychedelic drugs across the country. On a Zoom call this spring, the Democratic legislator in California who had long opposed relaxing drug laws. I didn't read all this. Anyway, he told her how psilocybin, the psychoactive ingredient

in magic mushrooms, had helped to finally quell the physical pain and his suicidal thoughts that had tormented him. Now, I put a picture of him in here. Okay. It's very distracting. This man, God bless him, is a veteran. He's on the beach in a long-sleeved shirt. And one arm is missing. And both legs are missing. And he's, I i mean no disrespect here he's a torso

who is sitting upright on the beach and listen no disrespect again but that's the last person i'd want to trip around because i don't know if i could handle it also on an emotional level, but that is a bizarre looking scene, don't you think? Yeah. I mean, I think it's anything, these veterans are coming home and they're suicidal. And then one thing they found was psilocybin. And these studies go back to the 1950s is that people that are looking at near-death experiences or they have terminal illnesses, it's like the number one thing psilocybin helps people with is it pulls you back and it gives you perspective on life and it helps you wrap your head around it

and it stops suicidal feelings. So fucking legalize it. Also, this guy, and I'm looking at him here him here right i don't know how you say no to this guy like in other words this guy's telling you something is working for him look at he has a smile yeah the last thing you'd see if i was this guy because of my shitty attitude or i wouldn't have a smile i mean look what's look what war has done to him. Right. Right. And that this country treats veterans like pieces of shit. Yeah. There's I'd be what's left of me. I'm not making any jokes here. I'm picturing me as this guy. What would

be left? Very little of my body's left, it would be filled with anger at the government. Right. Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that was a very powerful movie. I had to read that book. And that was Vietnam. I mean, the wars in the Middle East have created not just the physical destruction, but the mental destruction.

You know, people that have come home with head trauma, what do you call it? The brain injuries that come from these explosive devices. Well, the PTSD and everything? Yeah, CTE. Oh, you're also talking about brain damage to the brain. Yeah, and the PTSD and the CTE and the stuff that's invisible, but has caused them absolute misery. My doctor had an assistant that he hired who'd come back from Iraq that had serious PTSD. And you could see the pain in his face, man. He was struggling just to do his job. And he made it like for three or four years. And I talked to my

doctor very honestly about it because I'm good friends with my doctor. And he had real issues with him. He was having he was having trouble doing the job. And then eventually he couldn't handle it anymore. And he moved back to like fucking like New Mexico to live with his family. And it was just so sad because he was a young guy. And, you know, there's just what do you do for him? Experiment. Try psilocybin.

If that can bring somebody peace. Jesus Christ. Listen, it should be the policy. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I shouldilocybin. If that can bring somebody peace, Jesus Christ. Listen, it should be the policy. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I should just shut up. I just feel any veteran that goes over there should almost be set for life

when they come back. If you take a job in the DA's office as an educated lawyer, you went to law school, you don't have school and you work. You don't have to work that long. It's like 20 years or something. And then you get your salary for life.

Right. And cops retire. And I don't know what that is. And they get their salary. Like, how are veterans? It's crazy. And if you're an injured, if you're if you're a disabled, you talk about disability pay. If you're a disabled veteran, that game over. Right.

You shouldn't have to worry the rest of your life. Yeah. I mean, if you and if you have any mental issues, there should be living spaces where there is support, where there is, you know, people that were going to administer your medications. And, you know, some of these guys, they have difficulty just navigating getting to a doctor's appointment. They're that far gone. They shouldn't be living on the streets. And Democrats and Republicans both have been absolutely shameful on this issue. Yeah. It's like it should be. And I think even, well, I mean, Jon Stewart's fighting for other things, too. Like, yeah, I know veterans was one for sure.

And the 9-11, you know, first responders. But it's like, how do we lose sight of that? How do we lose sight of the people who are in whatever form fighting for us? Not only that, like leaving, fighting for us. Not only that, like leaving, you know, you got men and women that have small children that go away for a fucking year or two years without seeing their families again. They're missing like their child's second year of life so they can make almost no money and risk their lives for you. When they get home, there should be, and not just financial, but just the attitude that people have towards higher veterans if you can.

You know? Yeah. No, and instead America just is sympathizing with two guys who complain about working on Ellen. Our tour of duty on Ellen. Yeah, right, right. I know. I know. I had to go in on a weekend and re-edit on Ellen. Yeah. Right. Right. I know. I know.

I had to go in on a weekend and reedit a clip. Yeah. What's this you have written out Feldman's joke. Oh God. Good. That's why I wrote down. I would have forgotten it. Well I put it in the business section just because it's about the Getty heiress. I guess she got married. So David Feldman is one of our favorite people, he wrote, I saw it like came, I don't know, on my Instagram or whatever. So the oil heiress, Ivy Getty, got married. All right. I might've been high when I read this because I'm reading it now. But anyway, Feldman wrote, notably absent from Oil heiress Ivy Getty's wedding

was her Italian grandmother Spa Spa Getty I'm sorry because I got to spa my little synapses didn't put it together yet and then I got it

okay let's do this day in history my little synapses didn't put it together yet and then I got it then I got it okay let's do this day in history sure now this day in history Moby Dick is published Herman Melville pause for one second written I'd say

one block from where O. Henry wrote that short story that was referred to earlier in the podcast. Oh, no shit. Really? Very literary part of town. Yeah. All right. So it is now considered a great classic, and one of the most famous lines in fiction, Call Me Ishmael, is the first line.

Yeah. Initially, the book about Captain Ahab was a giant flop. Its author was born in New York City in 1819. He spent time on merchant marines, U.S. Navy, a whaling ship in the South Seas. In 1846, he publishes his first novel, Typee, about his adventures in Polynesia. The book was a success, and a sequel, Umu, was published in 1847. Three more novels followed with mixed critical and commercial results. His sixth book, Moby Dick, published in October 1851 in London in three volumes titled The Whale, and then in the U.S. a month later.

Melville had promised the publisher an adventure story similar to his earlier works. But instead, Moby Dick was a tragic epic influenced in part by Melville's friend Nathaniel Hawthorne, whose novels include The Scarlet Letter. He was up by you. Right. After Moby Dick's disappointing reception, Melville continued to produce novels, short stories and poetry. But writing wasn't paying the bills. In 1865, he returned to New York to work as a customs inspector, a job he held for 20 years. He died in 1891, largely forgotten. By the 1920s, scholars had rediscovered his work, particularly Moby Dick, which would eventually become a staple of high school reading lists across the U.S.

Billy Budd, Melville's final novel, was published in 1924, 33 years after his death. Isn't that amazing? I know a lot about this, actually. So there's a movie made of this book, but there's a great book, which I did read called In the Heart of the Sea. And it's the one of the cabin boys. And one of them had kept a journal. And it was basically of this vindictive whale who rammed their ship and sank it. And they were all in lifeboats. And this thing tormented them.

And it was amazing. Wow. But boy, you know, one of the eye the eye opening things for me in reading this was so Martha's Vineyard originally was the whaling capital. And then I guess there was something like the ships might have gotten when they started to get too big. The harbor wasn't deep enough or whatever. So it moved over to Nantucket. So anyway, when Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard, which are right off of Cape Cod, were thriving in this whale business, there were whales everywhere around there. So what does unregulated mankind do? Well, we take them until they're all gone. That's what we do. And so they started to go further and further away. This God had this, and you talked about him in the South Seas.

He was probably out of Nantucket in Melville's, the experience you described of him, I guess, whaling in the South Seas, because they started to have to go like Bermuda, further down off the Carolinas, further down off Florida, Bahamas, no more whales, no more whales, off the east coast of South Africa. The whale ship Essex got ran by the whale on the other side of South America, and there was no Panama Canal. They went down around the treacherous Cape and had to come that far north by the Galapagos. Unbelievable.

So get this. They were so far away from fucking Nantucket where all the guys were from. They would then make a stop in the Galapagos and load the ship with live turtles and just leave them because the turtles hardly needed to eat. And whenever they needed a meal, they just cooked a turtle. Wow. No shit. Yeah.

Damn. He just cooked a turtle. Wow. No shit. Yeah. Damn. And then those turtles became almost extinct because we're just this insane virus that lives on the planet that uses things up until they're dead. Yep.

I mean, I can't imagine a job I would less want to do than go out to sea fishing. Nothing I'd like to do less. Oh, my God. And so many of them die. And you know, they're trying to get these sperm whale for the oil, especially in their brains or in their cranium or wherever it is. And that's lamp oil. And it was one of the biggest commodities in America at that time. And there was an exchange in New York City for whale oil. Yeah. So anyway, that book is fascinating. It is.

I just reread it a couple years ago and it is really, it's about the nuts and bolts of fucking skinning and getting the blubber and doing all that stuff. Oh, you're talking about Moby Dick?

Yeah. Isn't it? I've never read it. Really? I was talking about the story that Moby Dick was partly based on, but no,

I heard every other chapter is serious whaling information. Yeah, yeah. But no, I heard every other chapter is serious, wailing information. Yeah, yeah. That's what I heard, yeah. Yeah, it's very detailed. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. Okay. One thing to any younger people out there listening,

this is how shameful it is. The reason I have not read Moby Dick, well, there's many, but it started this way. This English teacher thought I could, might be a good writer and probably reader. And she wanted me, despite me not having great grades, she wanted me in advanced English or EP English, whatever, AP English, whatever, as a senior. And this is the only thing that was said after that very flattering thing. I did thank her, and then I said,

isn't that the class that reads Moby Dick? And she goes, yeah. I'm like, nah, yeah, no. Really? I'm like, because I just saw the size of the book, and maybe the undiagnosed ADD in me was like not a chance, just not a chance. And maybe the undiagnosed ADD in me was like, not a chance, just not a chance.

So I did not go into advanced English because of Moby Dick. Wow. All right. Editor. This chick named Joanne, I got to say, she says, I seem to really have a crush on these guys. I don't know. Is this healthy? Do you think she's okay?

I think she's going to have to get two mugs because she always has a crush on the both of us. Right, right, right, right. I think two mugs, put one name on each mug. And you have to alternate it, right? Yeah. Or a two-on-one. She could put straws in them, drink out of both at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a nice one on Veterans Day. Dan Nern says, I just got free tickets to the Rolling Stones here in Detroit through a site called VetTix, V-E-T-T-I-X dot com.

A site for veterans to get surplus tickets, sometimes to some pretty big events. Wow. And hopefully it's as amazing as when you saw them. Isn't that amazing? That's so cool. Well, we got a text last night from, it was last night, right? From Peter and Dudley in Atlanta. Oh, yeah. The Stones played Atlanta last night, and those guys were blown away and thanked us for talking about it.

Yeah. This is from Lance in Denver. Loved your shout out to Skanks on the pod this week. I was talking about Skanks for the Memories, David Teller's album. I've listened to hundreds of specials over the years and agreed Skanks is the goat, even over the likes of Eddie Murphy, Raw, and Delirious. Here's why. The jokes. But you talked about this, so I won't elaborate.

Every line on this album is honed to perfection. Here's the kicker. In a word, he he kills while a lot of specials have great jokes what elevates skanks is that the audio captures what it feels like to be in that crowd recorded at the denver comedy works in 2002 as you know that room is tight and thunderous when a joke lands the energy is palpable from the very first line to the last it's a textbook illustration of the phrase they were eating out of the palm of his hand so many young comics throw around the word crush and kill and i just want to go you are so far from understanding what crushing is like i've crushed in my life you know 20 times i've crushed in 31 years and they'll go like they'll see each other at a

fucking open mic go dude you crushed no you didn't fucking crush crushing is what david tell did in this album where for an hour straight every 15 seconds the crowd is holding their stomach and fucking screaming that's what crushing is yeah crushing when you're like i can't i won't even start to there's something magical happened in that room there was a there was a there was a professional riding a wave of energy and there's no explaining it right musicians do the same thing occasionally yeah and uh and yeah that's what it is it's literally it's when it's indescribable. Yeah. All right. Oh, we got a lot of people did your test.

I'm an avid listener, and the Sunday papers is the highlight of my podcasting week. You two are the best. I guess I'm a lot like Mike. Attaches a picture of my four days Google search. I got a lot of DMs. And it was all of them were- About diarrhea, the sexiest DMs ever. Four days, late period, four days movie diarrhea. I must have got like 30 of these emails from people.

And a bunch of people put them on Instagram. It's not me. Because I've never Googled, as you, it was very funny last week when you said you couldn't spell it. No one can spell that goddamn word. And I've never Googled it. So maybe it hears me talking about it. I love talking about diarrhea, but, um, it's a funny word, but I've never, uh, why that

many people are Googling it, huh? And four days. Yeah. That can kill you. Four days of diarrhea. Oh yeah. You dehydrate really fast. I was about to say earlier when we were guessing, uh, the animals that kill on a, if there's an animal in Giardia or whatever it is, but you know, that was the number one killer in the Civil War was diarrhea. Yeah. Nick Swartzen has been obsessed with diarrhea for 30 years. If you hang out with him, he will say diarrhea at least twice every time you hang out. On the way to Vegas at your bachelor party, we rented that RV and Mexican restaurant.

And we all stopped there quick, got top of us. And he's like, and he holds up his plate. He's like, who ordered the diarrhea? In front of like 15 of us and, uh, and all of us died laughing and like the waitress is just, just deadpan straight face looking at him. Like it's such a cultural insult. Uh, all right such a cultural insult. All right. Obituaries.

All right. And that's all, folks. We got a call back to a show we talked about earlier. Gavin O'Herlihy, the Irish actor who played Chuck Cunningham, the big brother on Happy Days, who famously disappeared from the show without explanation has died. In his big screen debut, he played the ex of the bride, Amy Stryker, in Robert Altman's A Wedding. He also played Jack Pitacci in the Bond film Never Say Never Again.

He did some work. I looked at his IMDb page. He was a working actor after Happy Days, but never really made it big. Boy, he must have hated Fonzie. Yes. Yes. And, you know, maybe Richie Cunningham was behind this. Maybe Ron Howard was a little bit challenged by that. And I bet you at some point Ron Howard pitched to the producers.

Oh, because they got rid of Chuck. They sent him to college. I remember. He was a jock, a total jock. Right. He was like one of the best basketball players in Wisconsin. He went off to college and he just kind of disappeared. But he asked to leave the show.

Wow. He didn't want to play. He said he was only going to get about eight episodes a season and blah, blah, blah. But you got to think at some point Ron Howard went to the producers and was like, how about Fonzie goes to college? Totally. But nobody would buy that this guy could actually get into a university. He left for the same reason anyone left Happy Days, Scott Baio. Right.

Who wants to be around that guy? I think it also might have thrown the show off a little bit. This guy was from Ireland. Maybe that brogue was standing out in Wisconsin a little bit. Yeah, that's true. You guys want to be going down to, what was the name of the diner? Mel's? No, it wasn't Mel's. Was it Ralph's? No, it wasn't Mel's.

Was it Ralph's? No, it's Mel's Diner. No, it wasn't Mel's. It was the Asian guy from Karate Kid. Al's? Al's. Is it Al's? It changed.

First it was Al, the Italian guy, and then it was the Asian guy from Karate Kid. Then they switched, remember? What did they call him when he took over? I don't remember. No, Mel's diner, of course, was Alice. Arnold's. Arnold's. Arnold's, that's what it was. Wait, Chris, can you look up, was it first Al's and then it changed to Arnold's?

And who came first? And what was the story? Tell us all of it while we wait. And let me steal a joke, a brilliant joke from Modern Family. Why would they give the Asian guy such a hard name to pronounce, Arnold? Arnold. Yeah. I got to tell you, man, that show, it was such an important part of comedy.

People talk about what were your influences. Happy Days was a huge influence. Oh, and the show right after it? Laverne and Shirley. Are you kidding me? Yeah. It was a duo. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it was really, it was a smart show. The characters were really, it was just a fucking solid show al took it over but it stayed arnold's according to the dark web that chris is looking it up okay got it yeah um no it was that was a big show to watch uh yeah i mean you know some legendary people behind it and stuff but uh and then you know that's where the jump the shark comes from the phrase right when they literally fonzie literally jumped a shark you know who i had on the podcast once no marion cunningham

the mom i had the mom on the podcast. Wasn't she like a respected actress? She was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a big theater actress. Right, right, right. She did a bunch of other stuff. She was very sweet. Very nice.

All right, let's do some funnies. Oh, do we have to? Okay. We got a letter from Liz who said, Did you ever consider Blondie is in it for the money? Rich husband, even wealthier father-in-law, hot girl, ugly husband. I don't follow that because Dagwood's a fucking loser.

I think they just nailed that. Don't you remember you read an old one where even Dagwood's dad was like smitten with Blondie? Well, yeah, the comic strip started in the 30s, or maybe even the 20s. And she was a flapper, and he was a millionaire. And he came from big money. But they kind of changed that with the strip over the years.

They turned him into the biggest fucking loser of all time. Oh, boy. He turned him into the biggest fucking loser of all time. Oh, boy. And then Greg and Mike. Sunday Comics idea. Dagwood goes to work, refuses to mask, gets COVID and dies. Blondie is free to lean into her girl boss life.

She comes out as bisexual with a foot fetish. And the strip never mentions Dagwood again, except that every panel from this point forward has a picture of him in the background. Oh, David Penchman, your lips to this right... Who even writes Blondie? Do we even know? No. Now, what appeals most

about what Dave just wrote to you? I guess her getting lesbian on it. Well, no, she'd be bi. So, yeah. So, wouldn't it be you and Blondie now share a foot fetish and go find some beautiful women to have a threesome with? Together. Yeah. I mean, I can't even believe you're still able to talk after I spelled it out like that.

Yeah. I just think about the other comic strips we would invade. Maybe go to Archie. I think there was a couple of hot chicks in Archie. Ah. The the secretary on Beetle Bailey. Super hot. We'd visit her. What about the girl, the young, the daughters in Family Circus? Remember, this is make-believe. These aren't real humans. It's make-believe. So you would just be, it would really be like you're violating Jeff Keen or Bill Keen.

Right, right. I've never seen a jail in any of these comic strips. I don't think they exist. At least the mom in Family Circus, she's doable. Right. Very. She is.

No, no, no. She's got a fine physique. Yeah, they turned it around, yeah. I'd like to see her smile for once since her kids never make her fucking smile. All right, let's go to some Hager. Hager says, today is Count Richmond's's wedding let's sneak in

and you see a bunch of the rich people walking into the castle or the church and then hager is sitting with helga and he goes this count is loaded i wonder who the lucky bride is and then she says i heard there was a bevy of beauties competing. And he says, who's the winner? And the last frame is four women running to the altar. And she goes, we're about to find out. Like whoever gets their first wins. The one in first place, a little racist, is a black woman who I've not seen a lot of black people in Hager the Horrible. I don't know that Scandinavia was rife with African-Americans.

African-Americans! This might predate that now. I don't think there were African-Americans yet. There certainly was no America. It might not even have been called Africa. And what's the racist part? That she's in first place? Yeah, that she's winning the race.

And why would the fat one be in second? She'd be bringing up the rear. Or maybe there's more desire because she knows that she may not have another chance to get married. Okay. All right. We're over two hours. What do we got? I'm falling asleep. All right. We're over two hours. What do we got? I'm falling asleep.

All right. We got, there's a great Lockhorns where Leroy has a bird cage in his hand, and he's got this smoking hot Asian chick hanging on his arm. Loretta's not happy. And he goes, the bird speaks only Chinese, so I had to hire someone to translate. Oh, but he's drunk he's drunk yeah um that's a long way to go all right listen i need an idea we're going home to my wife i got let's go to the pet store what what's going on there all right they're eating dinner and leroy says to loretta you got this recipe from the newspaper where the crime section What's going on there? All right, they're eating dinner, and Leroy says to Loretta,

you got this recipe from the newspaper? Where are the crime section? It's pretty good. They're at the shrink's office, and Leroy is standing behind Loretta, and the shrink says, let's try another trust fall, Mr. Lockhorn, and this time don't yell timber. All right. Should have quit on the other one.

All right. You got a family circus for us? Oh, boy, do I. The whole family is walking out of church. And the little girl is talking to the family and pointing at the brother, and she goes, Father Forrest said, as you live, so shall you die. I bet Billy dies in a messy room. And there you have it. Wow, that almost got super dark.

Yeah. Right, well, they're going to die a very unfunny death. that almost got super dark. Yeah. Um, right. Well, they're gonna, they're gonna die a very unfunny death. That's right. That's one thing I can guarantee you. If father forest is right.

Yeah. Father forest is going to give a sermon without any fucking humor in it. Yeah. Everything about it. Exactly. No one there is even laughing. Wouldn't that be a funny thing that she said? Yeah. Except for Billy.

I don't even think Billy minds. Billy's going to die. Imagine that came out one week. Jeff Keen takes a hard turn and starts killing off the children. He finds out that his father wrote a trust into his will and all this money that he's getting from syndication is going to go to his grandkids and not to him.

So he starts killing off the kids every week. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me draw Billy's messy room. Well, first, we'll start with the needle still in his arm and his arm tied off. But he's dead leaning against a bed that has no sheet on it. Yeah. But a huge shit and piss stain right in the middle of it.

There's his messy room. It's in a cellar. The daughter's room has Sylvia Plath on the bedside table. Yeah. She fucking hangs herself. You would love that. That would be like porn for you. Yeah.

A line of guys outside waiting to pull tricks with her, but all of a sudden they go in. All the guys together who just want to sleep with her for $20 have to pull her head out of the oven. One of them is German. He does snuff films. Yeah. Oh no, who's got this shit on

my chest? Oh look, you are dying just like you lived with a cock in every hole. Suddenly all of a sudden triumph arrived in the comic strip. Ah yes. Oh, yes. In every hole.

You like to dick in every hole. Oh, my God. Let's smuggle. Write Family Circus for a while. That's a dream. Yeah. All right. So let's bring it home with some blondie.

Sure. In this case, fucking doofus is sitting in the blue chair reading a book and he says she's faced away from him in their usual position of non intimacy yeah I've seen this before

she goes I better start putting on my makeup if we're gonna go see a movie and he goes don't worry honey we'll be sitting in the dark anyway. And then she gives him a look, and he looks at the camera like, I just fucked up. And she walks away, and he goes, you know I didn't mean that the way it sounded, sweetheart. And she says, I know what I heard, dear.

Oof. I thought she was going to go take off her clothes because they're going to be in the dark this could be the beginning of a real fucking schism in this marriage uh huh I mean first of all

to reference her looks in any way he should not be allowed to she should understand the dynamic of this marriage is he should not be allowed to that should be she should understand the dynamic of this marriage is he makes whatever fucking mid-manager paycheck he makes she puts up with it but she doesn't have to put up with any fucking critiques of her beauty i kind of i'm on uh for the first time ever i'm kind of on his side a little bit. Like, I do get it. Like, we're going to the movies.

Correct. Also, you're beautiful as is. Like, that's the late ad. Correct. You tell her, honey, I've told you this a thousand times. You don't need makeup and you don't need to use that vibrator when I'm having sex with you. And she's like, no. I do.

Very much so. Honey, we'll ask for an extra bag for the popcorn, but you'll just put it over your head. Problem solved. I know what I heard. What, that you'd put a popcorn bag over your head? I guess if you want to hear that, you can. I think the butter will be good for your pores.

It'll open them up. Yeah, exactly. All right, listen, Mike, we did it. We did a long podcast today. We sure did. Two hours and 20 minutes. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And now we're going to head out into the world.

We want to thank our fine producers at Midcoast Media, and we hope they enjoyed their tribute song today from John Cabrera. A solid song, no matter what. But if that's not their ad, they should be calling John and saying, you know what? Here's a few shekels. Yep. I don't want to get Midcoast in trouble here, but here's a fee that's just good enough to go to dinner and all that. It's really symbolic, but we would love to use it occasionally.

Yeah, put it on their website. Nice. Also, don't forget, visit macweldon.com and use promo code PAPERS for 20% off. And you also want to go to magicspoon.com slash PAPERS and get yourself a little deal over there too. I can't remember what it is, but they get some money off or something. Denman just reminded me I owe him money. You do? For what?

Well, fucking join Venmo, man. Make it easy for me. Oh, is this still going on? This is from like three months ago. I know. Because I... What is it? He's saying it's not months ago. I know. Because I, what is it? He's saying it's not six months. No way.

I think it is six months. All right, then there's interest. You know how high interest rates are. All right, next week, we'll see you guys back here. I think we're both in town. I think we're going to try to maybe get in the same room next week. We'll get some video cameras. That's news to me. Well, I just

throw shit out there. I have to bring all my jackets and shirts. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Tuck a deke. Sunday Papers podcast is produced by

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