Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 90 11/21/21

Episode Date: November 21, 2021

The kids are home from college and Thanksgiving is almost here! Nazis are now trying to use humor, we visit menstrual huts in Nepal and review Taylor Swift's 10 minute song from SNL. Also, a man in China is banned from an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating all he could eat.

Read all about it! Read all about it! That little red headed fuck is Dave's fucking Billy We totally gave up on that cunt fucking Amy The best part of our week Is your bitchy wearing Hangar and branding Fuck Jonesberry Saute fucking papers

Saute fucking papers Bernie Chauvin Can't write a fucking song Billy Jones can lick our balls and go to the dead it's me fucking Billy

so mine's arranged by size but when you click on these things like downloads and shit you can then arrange it by size yeah so when I went to downloads like downloads and shit. You can then arrange it by size. Yeah, so when I went to downloads, there's like, holy shit,

here's all the Sunday papers I've downloaded. Like I should just erase them right now. Yeah. Dropbox is weird because it's supposed to be in the Dropbox, but then it's also on my computer. Movies. I don't have movies. Okay. I'll figure it out.

All right. Let's do it. Read all about it! Read all about it! Wait. Serious stuff in the news. Check it out this week. Will they talk about Rittenhouse?

Or will they pussy out and do stories about women's periods what'll it be this week x3 x3 sorry i'm just joining are we done did i miss it yeah we're done yeah take it you were just having me walk you through how to erase large files on your computer well listen i think you understand something about me that I didn't understand about myself. And I'm being very sincere when I say this. You pointed out to me that whenever I walked into a party, I would yell and pump my fists in the air and make a big scene. And I have come to realize that I have severe ADHD and that everything I do in my life, whether it's a podcast, whether it's not making this up, having sex, there is a moment of fist pumping to get my energy up so I could connect physically and emotionally in the same place. I never viewed it as that.

If I may say, I viewed it as this was your, for lack of a better, I could come up with something better, but it was kind of like your, I'm just going to scream and run off this cliff into the water. Cause I'm having a lot of trouble doing it. I'm overthinking it. I need to just jump in. And I think, I think you

have a lot of, believe it or not, social anxiety or anxiety of wanting to do well or pumping yourself up for it. So when you enter a room like that with the hand, like it's a, it's, it's, it's sort of hopping over that, uh, little boundary you have, that little barrier, I should say. Yeah, as they say in the military, sometimes you have to throw your backpack over the wall. You don't know what's over the wall. Oh, I've never heard that. That's way better than jumping in a quarry. Yeah.

I like that. Is that a real saying? Yeah. Wow, Okay. But no, but I think it's helped me look at how I approach life a little bit in terms of taking medications. Like I took the Adderall before the podcast today and I realized, you know, they say now with ADHD, you shouldn't take it every day. It should be on a need basis.

That's what I do. Like for students, they shouldn't take it on weekends and stuff like that. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's speed, man. Hell. Sure is. Speed. I had a funny image just now of you throwing your backpack over the wall

when everyone else's backpacks are coming over the wall the opposite way because you're retreating. Dude, I would have lasted about five minutes in the military. Okay. Oh, I'm glad you brought that up. I want to talk about it. Okay. So this whole country, and it's not just ours, that's the sad thing now, that's losing their mind over their rights. Like how dare you tell me, how dare the government get in my business and tell me I need to wear a mask or that I need to get vaccinated. Can you imagine if the draft came back? The draft. God, yeah.

Wait, you're going to tell me that my son and daughter are going to go be fodder in this war that I don't even believe in. Especially now. And people of color saying, OK, we're just reviewing some stats here on percentage of our people killed versus yours in the same war. Right. And where we exactly were positioned in the fucking front of the line. Here's the best way to look at it. Remove that it's an unjust war. Remove it. Let's say somehow just for just for a philosophical argument that it is a just war. Let's say we're even acting in defense, whatever, like picture just for just for argument's sake that this war is just that America needs to fight it to survive, I guess. And there's a draft. Everyone still will be like,

what? Yeah, like, no, like that's gone. Those days, this country can't put country before self anymore. No, it's true. And i remember when i had to sign up for my you know when you turn 18 you have to register with the uh whatever that board is to let you vote and to register for the draft i remember being nervous i remember really thinking like wow these motherfuckers could call me up and at the, there actually was close to a draft not too long after that because I remember my cousin, two of my cousins are soldiers. They went to West Point.

And they got, you know, and I was like, fuck, man. Michael's going to have to go to war. And we're going to get called up in this draft. And this fucking lunatic's going to be in charge of me because he'll be an officer. Well, I mean, that self-self thing, which, you know, I always talk about. Reagan started this whole fucking philosophical shift in our country, not doing things for, you know, the community.

And it's just self, self, self. Anyway, it's just like people who were ahead of that curve were, you know, people like Trump and, you know, especially other rich people who were like, yeah, the draft's not for me. Well, look, also Clinton. Also, you know, it's not just Republicans, Democrats, Republicans. If you're rich. Oh, no, no. And I wasn't I wasn't pointing at Republicans. It's that Creed song.

Yeah. I'm with you. But at least Clinton was way more educated and education, I think, was an out. Yeah, he was a Rhodes Scholar. I mean, Trump is barely educated. Yeah. Hey, so Sophie's home from college. She's home.

Wait, what was I just thinking? Oh, wait. Back to the draft for one second. Yeah, she is. Back to the draft for one second. Here's what they should do, though. Such a family guy. Here's what they should do, though. Such a family guy. Here's what they should do.

How about the first one? Why don't you look at the sexual predator list? Get all those guys on the front line. I like it. Send them out to war. Teleculture, good luck with this. Or just anybody that owns more than two pairs of fatigue pants. If you own an AK-47, you are drafted.

You clearly enjoy military stuff. You're in the military. You like handling and are good at handling guns that were made to kill many people within seconds. And if you've been accused of any racist crimes, we're usually fighting people of color or at least Asian. So this is perfect for you guys. Yeah. Foreigners, at the very least, foreigners. Yeah.

OK, Sophie's back. Yeah. From Michigan. Flew in late last night. The Thanksgiving festivities have begun. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week. And speaking of which, I went to the airport to pick up Owen last night.

Of course, he arrives at fucking 6 p.m. on a Friday. So the traffic to the airport was a joke. I know. It's a nice thing to do. I think it took me two hours to get there and back. And there's no traffic coming the other way. Right. Maybe it would have appealed to him, hey, man, get an Uber.

So you happy to see her? Happy to have her home? I don't know. I haven't seen her yet. Oh, she's at Liz's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She went right over there. Because then we go up.

My dad gets to town tomorrow. Yeah. Well, today, Sunday. And then that holds. So we have a lot of scheduling to do because we're also going away up to Ojai. Nice. Yeah, it's going to be good. I'm bummed your mom used to make this trip every year.

Yeah. You know, Thanksgiving has always been a huge holiday for us. She comes out and then our neighborhood does a big – I put together this soccer game, and we've literally – I'm not exaggerating because you've never been to it, I don't think. Oh, I've been to it. Oh, have you been to it? I did very well a couple of years.

Yes, thank you. We have had literally 40 on 40 some years, and everybody brings black and white T-shirts, and we split up into black and white teams. And uh we finish that go home have your turkey and then we meet at the beach at about like seven or eight o'clock at night everybody dives into the water so like 80 people then dive into the ocean at the same time screaming and yelling and uh and then we go back to the dunsky's house normally where they have a giant pot with spiked cider, and everybody brings desserts,

and there's a ping-pong table and a hot tub, and people hang out all night. But they're not here this year, so we're going to do it at the Fink's house. Yeah, I got an invite. For the Fink's? I thought it was from Lisa. Oh.

That's for a different party. That's in December. Oh, it is? Yeah. Oh, all right. I'll pay attention to that one because normally I'm gone for the Thanksgiving thing. Yeah. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

So, yeah, so my mom's not coming because of her heart surgery. And the Dunskies are out of town because they're staying in Vermont for the whole year. And so it's going to be not as exciting of a year, but we're going to try to keep the traditions going. Yeah. All right. I'm bummed your mom can't make it, but I get it. You're heading down there, though, on Christmas?

Christmas. Going down for a week. Thinking about putting a show together. If anybody lives in the West Palm Beach area and you want me to do a show They have a club there, right? Let me know and I'll

set it up. December. It would have to be like December 29th. Alright. Let's think about a venue, people. All right. So what else? I was out last night, did a few spots, and I swear to God,

it's such a blast running around L.A. doing shows. I did one with Kevin Nealon, and I've said it before, I'll say it again, one of the most underrated comedians working today. People don't talk about Kevin Nealon as being one of the great comedians. He's so funny.

He's so goddamn funny. Yeah, he's really, really funny. He does these conceptual bits that are super edgy and dark. He was talking about, who was the food guy from CNN who killed himself? Bourdain. Yeah, he was talking about how he hated he always hated anthony bourdain and then he realized wow i didn't think i had anything in common with him but it turns out we both hate him i was like whoa because that is like he's usually he's twisted but

he's not that dark right no no no because generally he's like a happy guy. Yeah. Super happy guy. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but he's such a goofball. Oh my God. And then he is really goofy in a funny way. And then I bought a Corolla and, uh, he's been doing standup the last few years and he's pretty good. He's pretty good. You know? Yeah. Talks about race stuff in a way that makes some people uncomfortable. But I like it. I'd like to hear his Kyle Rittenhouse take on it. Oh, he actually did a Rittenhouse joke last night. Did he?

Yeah, but then somebody interrupted me while I was trying to listen to him. There was too many comics hanging out. Oh. I'd be interested in his take on that. And then I got bumped by Paul Rodriguez atriguez at the comedy store oh really yeah oh wow yeah how was his set or did you you left like it was like oh you're not even going to be pushed no no he just did it he just did a 15 minute set ahead of me oh that's not bad no it wasn't bad except you're supposed to introduce the next comic that's how it works there it's called tag team each comic brings up the following

comic and he finished then he just fucking walked off stage it's like hey douche you've been working this club for fucking 30 years you know how it works right yeah um what'd you do last night? I saw Ghostbusters. No! Hated it. Really? I heard mixed reviews. Some people liked it. Well, I think they're being kind of generous. Did there need to be another one after they just did the remake? This had nothing to do with it.

The thing you learn right out of the gate, I'm not spoiling anything, is Harold Ramis' character moved to the middle of fucking, you know, the country somewhere on a farm and was fighting ghosts out there, I guess you could say, at the source. So anyway, that's the premise. And then, oh, and then his kids, who he was a really bad dad, by the way, um, and husband and no, sorry, grandfather and father. He was a bad grandfather and father. Um, and, uh, so it's about them. It's about the

generations after him. And then they inherit this farm. It is just listen. And also, I think it's because it's that movie. All the trailers seem to be superhero movies. And it's like, I'm just done. I'm done with superhero movies. Done. Oh, another Marvel.

Oh, I hope there's a 20 minute fight that you already know the ending of. Right. Like, oh, my God. Yeah. A punch where somebody flies through the air afterwards. I don't need to see that again. And all their little inside jokes and references. It's just, no, sorry. I'm done.

Yeah. How about, yeah. Last week we talked about the worst after-work experiences people have had, where you were called on at home to do something for your job. And we asked people to write in. So here's a few of the experiences people had. John in Rhode Island said, my job is a 24-7 emergency call type of position. My boss calls me after hours one day and I informed her that I was in the critical care unit with my mother who was passing away. She apologized for the phone call and then immediately said, well, seeing that I have you on the phone, did you

approve those POs that I asked you to do this morning? Can you imagine? Jesus fucking Christ. asked you to do this morning? Can you imagine? Jesus fucking Christ. Well, John, it was in the title of your job. It said it was a 24-7 emergency call type position. Yeah, right, right. Did it surprise you? And the key is when you're waiting for a loved one to die, aren't you kind of looking for a distraction anyway? Mom, listen, I got to take this, but if you go before I get back, just know it was a good run. Just know you raised me to be a hard worker. Yeah. Have you ever been by somebody's bedside

when they were dying? I've never seen someone die. I saw my father-in-law. I didn't see the moment he died, but I was with him the night he died. And he was, you know, he was not present. He was fighting for breath and in a state. And it was very, very fucking difficult to watch because you knew this was it. And we sat there for hours. I was with Aaron's sister and Aaron's mother, and they were divorced, but the mother's a nurse, and she sat by his side and held his hand as he died. It's kind of beautiful.

As comics, as people in the comedy business, it's incredibly challenging. I guess the closest I got was my mom's brother, my uncle Dennis. And so this is what I mean. He was in the Danbury Hospital and he was in hospice. So Laura and I went there to say goodbye. So what's challenging for people like you and me, or I'll just speak for myself, that was really challenging for me is I'm just incredibly conditioned to make heavy moments lighter. That's it. It's literally, I'm not flattering myself, man. There's tremendous faults with this. And, uh, but I'm, I think I can fairly say like a machine in that way. And and that's my default.

And this is one of those where that's not an option. Right. Like you're really doing a disservice to the moment if you like. But it's insane. It's insane, especially to me that. So this is we're just going to be fully honest here and recognize this is goodbye. I'm I'm going to look at you as I back away. This is the last time. Like it's just too much to handle. Yeah, it is. But I disagree.

I think there's always room for some levity you know if it's a joke about the nurse doing a bad job or whatever it's like if you could get people people fucking love a little laugh at a moment like that not a big laugh but a little laugh oh that's perfect for you then i here's what i get i'm the guy everybody asked to speak at wakes and funerals and memorials. Right. And, uh, and I,

and I, I actually cherish it. I, I love that. I can give people that gift that, uh, that, that I am good at putting together some material about somebody who died.

And you, and you basically just go ask people that were close to them, what are some great stories about John? And then you retell them in a funnier way than they could have told them. And then you have your own thoughts and everybody appreciates the shit out of it. No, I'm with you. And listen, there were some funny moments on that last visit with my uncle. But that parting moment, man, it's too, too real. Yeah. And I would much rather deny it or deflect it. It's just too real to fully recognize the end like that forever.

That's it, forever. It's crazy. Right. Now, I realize I'm incredibly blessed. I'm talking about an uncle. Both my parents are still alive, uh, which is, you know, rare for someone. I don't know. I mean, what do you think the odds are if you're in your fifties that both parents, well, look who I'm talking to. You have one. I got one in the close call with the other one this year. And, you know, who knows what. Who knows? I mean, I think it's amazing how much longer people are living.

Erin's aunt is now 94 years old, and she's going strong. She's going to be around for a while. And, you know, I think my wife's going to outlive me, I hope. I do not want her to die first. That would fucking suck. Right. Well, that's what happens in a murder-suicide. I just, fair warning, I don't know if you've done the math on it yet.

You're not really a planner. If she's standing right here and I put the gun to the right side of my head, technically I go first. This is one from uh a guy this is a kind of a sexy one oh um the guy oh no i'll read this one first and i'll end with the sexy one i was working for a company that made computer systems for the post office i only got a few hours sleep because of flight delays we started installing a new system upgrade at 6 a.m. Customers started running the system that afternoon. By 11 p.m., people started coming into the control room and saying it wasn't responding and the mail isn't moving. Within

minutes, the operations manager walks in and says, who's in charge? They say me. And she says, shut it down. Put the old system back. We get the old system running in about two hours. After making sure it's working, I go back to the hotel, get a six-pack, drink it, and go to sleep. Phone rings three hours later. My lead says they're giving us another shot. So on three hours sleep and a hangover, I go back and repeat the process.

Holy shit. I bet he jerked off, too. I guarantee he jerked off. What? Where? When he had the six pack? Yeah, whenever I'm stressed out and I had a long day. Oh, my God.

That's the best time to pleasure yourself. Self-soothe. That's what it's all about. I don't know. Boy, you can see a little bit of why there's so much violence and craziness in the post office after hearing this. This guy, here's the sexy one. Oh, I thought that was the one. While in sales at an insurance firm, my boss called me and said I had to make a house call with a client I only met once at a lunch.

The firm wanted to insure her estate and a host of other things. Make a long story even on her... What? He went on about loyalty and company and we take care of our people. He then wrote a check for $30,000 as a bonus on top of the commission if I close the deal.

This was a Saturday at 8 p.m., so I'm missing hockey night in Canada. I should point out I'm a Canadian black guy. I just wanted to give you the info so you can make as many jokes as possible. Yeah, I want to make racist jokes. Anyway, off I went, and she was in her robe, and she offered me champagne

and spoke about what it would cost her. And she said, here's what it will cost you. She was 53. I was 21. And that bonus really helped with my down payment. And that was my first priority. One day I'll do a seek, whatever. That's not bad.

The name is Paul. Paul Singh. Put his last name. So I'll read it on the air. All right. Paul Singh, male prost last name. So I'll read it on the air. All right. Paul Singh, male prostitute. I kind of follow that story. Wait, did the woman sleep with him?

She slept with him. She gave him champagne. She wore a robe and she slept with him. All right. And he got $30,000 for it. Would you have done that at 21? Would you have slept with a 53-year-old woman for $30,000? I don't know.

I mean, I'd probably try to talk her down to 25. Wait, am I paying her? All right, I'll do it for 20 here, but it's my student loan. Yeah, of course. What are you talking about? When I was 21, I was 20, I was dating a 40-year-old one summer. Really? It was great, yeah. And we stayed friends. We're still friends to this day.

Wow. Just can't believe that she's fucking 75. Oh, God. I slept with a woman who's currently 75 years old. That's existential. Yeah, that's, hmm. Is she the oldest? She's the oldest I've slept with, yeah. All right, yeah, no, I don't come near that. I don't think I come even near that at all.

Why do I sound disappointed? What's the youngest girl you ever slept with? Well, it was when I was in, you know, when I was young. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How old was she? I think we've gone over this. I don't think we have.

Then I'll say 17. Ah, you pussy. Yeah. All right. Let's, oh my god, the song? Yes! Did you love it? I did love it. Holy shit. Rob Dukes,

who you know from Exodus and Generation Killed. Gloves came off with that one. The gloves came off. I mean, he's in a battle royale right now with John Cabrera and Tony Cacase. And I think he's put down a pretty strong case for himself. A good case.

Yeah. A good Cacase. Yeah, hopefully we'll play the whole song. I think we have time. We'll play the whole song at the beginning. Or you've heard the whole song. It wasn't that long. It was 53 seconds.

You can't maintain that energy for three minutes. No. I don't understand how people sing like that without losing their voice. And he does a two-hour concert screaming like that. I've watched concerts of his online. If you ever want to watch him online, just look up Rob Dukes or Generation Kill

and watch some of his videos. He's insane. He's so fucking great. Apparently, there's a technique. Is it? Yeah, apparently there is. It's not really cheating, I think, but there's just a technique in how you do it, and you can preserve your voice or not destroy it.

And probably deep throat. Also, the logo for this week is from John Cabrera, our songwriter, performer, also does logos. Come on. If you guys are listening to Sunday Papers at home and you have not felt like you've given enough, make a logo, make a song, send it in. Get involved. Look at your outfit. Are we out of mugs? You're very well put together. I think we might be out of mugs but

we're ordering more if we get more orders we can turn it around in three weeks so let's do that go to the website go to sundaypapers.net or fitzdogradio.com and check out the mug order it and we'll get it to you in the next three weeks. You'll have it in time for Christmas as a gift, but act now. People love them. They're posting pictures on Instagram. Also, we had some corrections this week. Oh, yeah, we had some corrections. Megan from New Jersey said,

Saddam Hussein was found in a spider hole, dumbass. Everyone knows wormholes are from Star Trek. Duh. Well, OK, yeah. All right. Greg, this is wrong on many levels, but I fell apart giggling helplessly when you were talking about broken wrist cutting back on giving handjobs. When it occurred to you that your son broke both his and you very earnestly observed that he couldn't give himself a handjob for a long time.

I have a crush on both of you because you are both so stupid and funny. Megan from New Jersey. She knows just what to say. Jeff Covey, a couple corrections. Number one, Gary Player is still alive, the best golfer in South Africa. And number two, Henry Winkler was not the principal in election. It was Phil Reeves. That's all you.

Who also made an appearance in my all-time favorite movie, Sideways. Oh, yes. Sideways. I've got to see that. I've got to see that again. Watch it again right now. It's one of the best films ever made in the United States of America. All right. I'm going to be a little distracted during the podcast, but I'll watch it again right now it's one of the best films ever made in the united states of america all right i'm gonna be a little distracted during the podcast but i'll watch it right now

okay and then uh james says lost in the four-day diarrhea discussion was the fact that quote four days in october is not the name of the mets documentary it's It's not? It's close, but by close I mean just about the exact opposite. Oh, no. Once Upon a Time in Queens is the name of the Mets documentary, which is the most heartbreaking moment for Red Sox fans. Four Days is the documentary about the 2004 Red Sox coming back from 3-0 versus the Yankees. I haven't seen either one.

I need to watch them both. Yankees. I haven't seen either one. I need to watch them both. And then also Judd Apatow did a 30 for 30 about the 86 Mets as well. That's supposed to be very good. Oh, nice. I just

booked my New Year's Eve for this year. If you live in New Brunswick, New Jersey or that area, I will be at the Stress Factory. Go to their website and get some tickets. Very romantic. The Stress Factory.

And then there's also a Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I will be there on December 30th and January 1st. Look at you. So basically I'm flying to New York, driving to Connecticut, doing a show on Thursday night, then New Year's Eve. The next night I drive to Jersey,

do a show there. Then I drive back to Connecticut for the Saturday night show at the, at the, uh, stress factory in Connecticut. You're bouncing between stress factories. Yep. All right.

Easy jokes there. Also, Boston, Portland, and Lexington dates. Go to FitzDawg.com. We put the family on a soft alert that, I think there was some article where eight people who are obsessed with college football, four of them, I think, predicted Michigan, Oregon, meet in the Rose Bowl January 1. Which is significant to you because? Well, my daughter Sophie is in Michigan,

and then my niece, who's also a freshman, she's a duck at Oregon where Dennis Gubbins went. Presumably that's where he learned to treat people who have less than he does and especially minorities in this country as stepping stones to get what he needs. Vaxes in particular, but also golf balls. He's hit his golf ball into the homeless encampment and then gone into their tents to get the ball back. I thought he went in to get like cooking stoves and campings.

I thought he uses an excuse just to get in their tent. Then he leaves with more than his golf ball. I had a very funny moment with you guys playing golf yesterday. We were walking up the fairway and I was like talking about how I had this new bit that I'm really excited about. And Dennis is like, oh, what's the bit? And so I do it. And then he gets this weird look on his face. Did you hear this exchange?

No. Remember, I was on hold for two hours. Oh, that's right. We played nine holes of golf and Mike Gibbons was on his phone literally the entire time on hold. Where every, I timed it, every 35 seconds for over 120 minutes, they told me how important my call was to them. Go ahead. And what was the name of the company, just so people know?

Well, that's the, you know, whatever. It doesn't matter who it is, but it was Mountain Collective, which is a place, a ski pass place. Just in case you were wondering how white Mike Gibbons is, while playing a round of golf, he was on hold about his ski reservation in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Yeah. So anyway, I do the bit for Gibbons.

Free Kyle Rittenhouse T-shirt on. So I tell Gubbins this joke and and Fitzgibbons laughs but then gubbins has this look on his face and I was like what and he goes you know Sam Brown has a joke that's kind of similar to that and I was like fuck because I was like wow

I really like Sam Brown I feel bad and he was like he actually just died and I was like yes yes I don't know Sam Brown And he was like, he actually just died. And I was like, yes. Yes. I don't know Sam Brown. He was a comic out of New York, and then he moved to L.A. Funny guy.

How old was he? What happened to the poor guy? I don't know. All I know is that joke is free and clear. And you could tell a bunch of jokes at his service. Yes. Because that's what you love to do. Well, and also maybe I'll ask his widow for some old tapes of his and mine it. Mine

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We thank them for sponsoring the podcast. Put them in your backpacks. Just have them in case of emergency even. Yep. I keep some in the car. They're awesome. We also want to talk about mental health a little bit. With the pandemic, a lot of people are feeling stress. Your thoughts are racing.

You go through a lot of different ways. How do you how do you manage your stress is a big conversation people are having right now. And then nobody could find a therapist. Yes. Well, you can now because Noom Mood, N-O-O-M Mood, they help you with your mental wellness. They give you tools to tackle stress and they do it with they give you a coach. I mean, even thinking about trying to find help is something that you can't do because it's stressful. So they teach you to for just a few minutes a day, 10 minutes a day. It's an app, but they also give you a dedicated coach to support you as you go through it. So I started using it.

I've been having trouble sleeping. I started using it, and it's a piece of cake. The app, everything is so smooth. I talked to a coach because I was having trouble, And I swear to God, I'm sleeping better. I'm sleeping longer and better. If you're feeling that stress, try it out. Absolutely. No, I deal with it.

Well, procrastination is a big stressor for me. Yeah. But it's fear-based. It's like, why are you beating yourself up and not doing it? So I did the same exact thing, and I got good advice. And it just helps because when you hear it from someone else, I don't know, you feel accountable in a way, like you want to make this change. It's scientific. It's based on psychological principles that teach you about your relationship with stress. You use these tools and techniques,

but then also you get your hand held by your daily curriculum is coupled with one-on-one coaching. They encourage you. So anyway, you're stronger than your stress. You can do this. Everybody needs this kind of mental health a different way. Noom has found a way to do it for millions of people. They started with a weight loss program that was so successful that now they've started Noom has found a way to do it for millions of people. They started with a weight loss program that was so successful that now they've started Noom Mood to help you out. So- Yeah. They're just going to give you coping mechanisms and things that are not that obvious. Otherwise, you'd be dealing better with it. And so it's a shortcut. And so it's a shortcut.

Worry less and feel happier. Sign up for your trial at Noom.com slash papers. That's N-O-O-M dot com slash papers. Sign up now at Noom.com slash papers to get the trial. Okay. There it is. Let's go to the front page. You got a paper there, Mike?

No. Hold on. What there, Mike? No. Hold on. What do we do? Is that our theme? Papers every week? I have a legal pad. I got a paper. Okay.

There we go. There it is. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! What do we got? We got, well, I don't know.

These are dark subjects, but two things that were in the news was the Rittenhouse verdict came in totally innocent, which is the remarkable thing is not one thing. According to the law, he didn't do one thing wrong. Yeah. Which we know is not true. Yeah. And the message will send. But, you know, when we went this week,

Tom O'Neill invited us to a... Can we say who it was? Yeah, it was Peter... Is it Thiel or Thiel, the billionaire? Thiel. I believe it's Thiel. He created PayPal. He created Facebook. He did not create Facebook, but he was the first public investor or the first investor, I guess, one of.

And he's a billionaire. And he has his own private TED Talks in his company. And they brought Tom O'Neill in to talk about chaos, talk about what's going on now with making the documentary with Errol Morris and maybe the second book of Chaos and stuff. But the day we were in there, I forget what day it was, maybe Wednesday, I forget, that the Malcolm X story broke and that the two people that many have felt all these years were innocent, sure enough, now have been exonerated.

Yeah, they withheld a lot of evidence that would have cleared them. One guy wasn't even there. He was home with like a leg injury. It was a complete setup by the CIA and the FBI. Really deep, deep fucking, you know, government stuff that has implications about. And it ties into Tom's book about how the CIA really did try to upend the civil rights movement by going after the key players. Right.

I mean, even by the way, the third guy all along said those two, those two had nothing to do with it. Yeah. It's just really crazy that those two have gone down in history as killers of Malcolm X when they had nothing to do with it. And can you imagine being in jail? Who is more in danger in jail? pedophiles, crooked cops, or the guy who killed Malcolm X when you've got so many black Muslims who convert in jail. I know.

He must have been in a wing with, you know, fucking corrupt judges and baby killers where they just, you know, had walls up between gang members and them. Here's the good news, though. If people decide to have a protest about this, and also a protest to find out really then who is guilty here, Kyle Rittenhouse is available. He's free. I think it's almost like a cameo.

You can pay him to come to your protests. Right. He'll be fully armed. And he'll have company, because I think that all of these wing nuts and fatigues are going to be encouraged to show up at any protest they feel like it fully armed to the teeth and if they feel threatened meaning somebody walks towards them open fire baby apparently that's okay don't try to take their gun don't try to take their AK-47 or whatever, their automatic rifle, if they're at a protest,

because you're going to scare them. Even if they're aiming it at you. And now you're scared, right? You're scared. Are you allowed to come at them? Well, I think they're going to, yeah. Whose self-defense was first? That's a big question.

But it turns out the person with the gun. first? That's a big question. But it turns out the person with the gun. I think that we need to arm all people of color at these protests because I like to see how the government handles it when 100 black guys with AK-47s show up at a demonstration. We'll see how long these laws last after that. I don't think the cops would be offering them water. You know, the guy walking back with his hands up but an AK-47 around his neck. Yeah. A civilian.

Yeah. What's this thing about neo-Nazi language? Oh, I thought it was a fun little ditty. There's a trial going on. The evidence introduced in an ongoing civil trial against organizers of this 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville. You might remember someone drove over and killed a woman. Yeah. Anyway, in this trial, they appeared to highlight a sinister strategy, and it's the ways in which white supremacists employ humor to shield their calls for violence, and it's in an effort to render them legally ambiguous.

So jurors have been presented- Is Jeff Dunham involved? Huh? Is Jeff Dunham involved? Are the puppets calling for violence? Jurors have been presented with a trove of evidence that includes messages laced with slurs, memes of using cars to run over protesters and calls for cracking skulls. So the attorneys have called experts to help the jury understand, like, for instance, the number 1488. So that refers to 14 words, which is a popular white supremacist slogan.

And then 88 is Heil Hitler, because H is the eighth letter of the alphabet. Oh, how clever. Yeah. So the 14 words, by the way, are we must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children. Famous 14 words. Okay. We do have to watch out for white children. They're going to, they have a rough time. Okay. So I'm going to quiz you on some of these. So they translated the phrase, which is Rah-ho-wa, R-A, it's capital R-A, capital H-O, capital W-A. What do you think that stands for?

Oh, that's code for something. Rah-ho-wa. Rah has to be racial homosexuals, a racial homosexual war. Very close. Racial holy war. Nice. Yeah. Okay.

Did you see Kyle? Did you see Kyle? That's another really popular one. Does it have to do with Kyle Rittenhouse? No. Did you see Kyle? Did you see Kyle? I don't know.

What? Sieg Heil. It's code for the Nazi salute. Did you see Kyle? Wow. And then they played. There's a guy who became known as the crying Nazi, uh, following an emotional video he posted when a warrant was issued for his

arrest. But, but, uh, one of the guy's quotes, the credits, he is, I'm not even a Hitler,

right? But I'm like, okay, let's fucking gas the kikes and have a race war. And then he laughed. Oh my God. Okay. So I thought maybe we'd come up with more coded phrases,

although I'm losing confidence in this bit. But I thought, show my nephew around the cell is throw the Jew down the well. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. What about eight ball corner pocket, which is throw a black guy down the well? That's a thinker. That doesn't even sound like it. And what's your other one here?

My other one is a Spanish omelet is when you throw eggs at a Mexican guy. I think that's legal, isn't it? It's not nice. All right. I try one. Blueberry buns Wikipedia. Blueberry Buns Wikipedia. Blueberry Buns Wikipedia. What's that?

That's a good one. The Jews run the media. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at coding anti-Semitic phrases. In a funny way. In a humorous way. That's why I jumped in. The article said they were humorous.

Yeah. But, by the way, did I make it clear why they're humorous way. That's why I jumped in. The article said they were humorous. Yeah. But by the way, did I make it clear why they're humorous? Why? Because one of the big things is their defenses, their formal defenses. Those are jokes. Oh, that's right. Because you can get away with saying things if it's done satirically. Right. Right. So that's the that's the reason. All right. Enough. Boy, heavy topics this Thanksgiving. It is heavy. We talked about being at somebody's deathbed and mental health. Let's talk about something happy like Thanksgiving. Are you sleeping with practically an octogenarian?

Jesus. Yeah. The thing she taught me. She was a lawyer. She was a big corporate lawyer, too. She was very successful. Yeah, she had a big condo. We lived in the Hamptons that summer, and we lived in a condo complex.

And me and my brother and my friend Sean Burgoyne, you remember Sean, the guy from Belfast? Of course. So we all lived together in like a little, like a one-room apartment and they had like a three-bedroom beautiful condo next door and they used to come out on the weekends. It was her and her sister

and there were these Italian girls from Queens and the sister was a hairdresser and she was a corporate lawyer and so we started hooking up on the weekends and they would like, they'd come in on Fridays

and they'd cook a big Italian dinner and we'd all eat and they'd cook a big Italian dinner, and we'd all eat, and we'd drink their top-shelf liquor, and we'd go out dancing at this place, Tequila Harry's, up on the corner, and then we'd hang out all weekend and just sex and drinking and fun, and then they'd leave us with Tupperware. When they went back to the city on Sundays, they'd leave us Tupperware of Ziti, and we'd eat it for a few days, and then we'd be kind of hungry on Wednesday and Thursday, and then they'd come back on Friday again. And we did that all summer. You're like their useless kids who they have sex with.

I used to borrow money. No, I never borrowed money. I can't believe you didn't wind up like staying in their like place also. Yeah, that was, we didn't even bring that up. We had fleas in our place. We are all covered in flea bites all summer. Oh no. Yeah.

All right. Thanksgiving. This is your story. In 2016, Jamal Hinton, so we're guessing he's African-American, then 17, received a text from a grandmother inviting him over for Thanksgiving dinner. The thing was, it wasn't his grandmother. Wanda Dench, I'm guessing she's a white woman, hadn't realized that one of her grandsons had changed his number, and Hinton instead received her text. When it became clear that Dench was not his grandmother, he asked if he could still attend the holiday dinner in her Mesa, Arizona home.

Yes, Dench replied, because that's what grandmas do, feed everyone. Prophesies, you're not black, are you? Right. Yeah, too bad this is an Instagram. Can we switch this conversation to Instagram? And apparently this went on the Internet. It became like a big deal. And I remember this. We covered this story once. Well, let's let's just look. The lesson here is if you're an old lady, if you meet a stranger over the Internet, invite them into your home.

It always turns out well. i think so she's like i remember when we first chatted he was he was just so curious you know he wanted to know about our pets like what their names were and my maiden name uh oh we had this funny chat about all the crazy passwords we both have used over the years. It was sweet. This is like a willingness to be catfished. It's like seeking a catfish arrangement. Yeah. Now, what happened to the real grandson?

He's just shit out of luck? Yeah. Out of the will? He's that guy that you have to bring over the stray at your Thanksgiving because he has nowhere to go. But there was a guy who had Nick Swartzen's phone number. Like Nick switched numbers for some reason. And this other kid who just coincidentally was a comedian ended up with Nick's number. And so people started to call looking for Nick.

And it would be like Adam Sandler and Norm McDonald calling Nick and this guy would answer and he would engage them in a conversation and he would try to like get invited to parties and, and he started a whole blog about it. It was really fucking creepy. And Nick asked him to please cut the shit. Yeah. Should I give out the number? He'd be pretty easy to impersonate. Like, what's up, diarrhea?

Like, just non sequiturs. Wait, I'm going to call the number right now. Should I give it out on the air? Wait, you have this number? I have Nick's number memorized from back when it was his real number. But that's the number that the other kid has? Or are you calling Nick? This is the old number that the kid has.

Let's see what he says. Why would you do this? Because the kid loves it. He loves the attention. Does he know you, the kid? I remember calling him once, and he tried to engage me in a conversation. Huh. Yeah.

I'm uncomfortable. Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. 3-1-0-4-0. All right. Aw. Well, there's a failed bit. No, that went way better than I thought it would. Oh, wait.

He's calling me back. He's calling me back. Here we go. Oh, no. It's calling me back. He's calling me back. Here we go. Oh, no. Yes. Oh, right. Shit, I called the wrong number again. So you've still got Nick's old phone number, huh?

No way. You've still got Nick's old phone number, huh? Oh, dude, I'm never giving it. I still get the calls. Who the fuck Pee Wee Herman called me a month ago? No way. Yeah, yeah. Did you talk to him for a while? Yeah, just for a little bit. But most people don't know what the hell's going on, so they get goofy. Yeah. Yeah.

I actually moved back to Cleveland, Ohio, so I'm not in L.A. anymore. But I've been invited to party with the president of Mexico. Wow. Yeah. Nick Swartzen's party with the president of Mexico. Wow. Nick Swartzen's friends with the president of Mexico. No, he was friends with a comedian who was friends with the president of Mexico, I guess. Oh, OK. It was going to be a private plane ride to Mexico City for the Maxim premiere party with the president of Mexico. Yeah.

And I said I talked my way onto that one again and uh fuck my passport it expired like two days earlier oh jesus christ you got to be ready for these opportunities man well look i mean the calls do come fewer and fewer. Except for Paris Hilton. She calls all the time. She does. But now she calls me. And she's always drunk and there's always techno music in the background. Has she ever invited you to a party or anything? She's been up in the floor at her parties. Nice.

Yeah. No, I snuck in and I've been invited. All right. Well, listen, I was trying to call Mike because I was trying to call Nick because I'm on my podcast right now. My Sunday Papers podcast. Yeah. You got me again? Did you put me on again? Yeah, only if you agree.

You have to agree that I can put this on the podcast. Oh, I don't give a shit. All right, good. All right, man, well, listen, come out and say hi next time I'm in Cleveland. When are you going to just call this number? Because I go to the clubs all the time out here. All right, awesome. All right, Craig.

All right, happy holidays. See you. All right, bye. All right. He sounds like a good guy. Yeah, I think he means well. He's certainly, you know, everybody's looking for their way into show business. And if something like that falls in your lap and you live in Hollywood, you fucking grab it and you run with it.

And then you run right to Cleveland and then you just stay in touch with Paris Hilton. Imagine, I don't think Paris Hilton knows she's calling Cleveland. I don't think she would continue to do so. No, I don't think she's allowed to call Cleveland. Wow. So let's talk about this next story. In 2015, it was a busy year for periods. NPR dubbed it the year of the period. Operation period has addressed- Is that the Chinese? The one from the year of the rat to the year of the ovulation? The year of the ovulation. All right.

They've addressed over 16,000 periods and delivered over 240,000 menstrual products. Sign your checks in blood. The nonprofit works domestically to distribute menstrual products to low-income and homeless populations. There have been reports of federal prison inmates only receiving three pads per month. That's not, I don't think that's enough. Well, you trade for them, you know. Trade for cigarettes and then you put the cigarette in your underwear? Yeah, the cigarette's very absorbent. The filter?

Yeah, right. Yeah, you just put it up there. 31 states still tax menstrual products as luxury items. Oh, yeah. I always picture women kicking back in a silk robe, drinking champagne, sticking a pad in their underwear. You know, those Gucci pads with the logo on it? Yeah. Yeah.

It's got a little Mercedes logo on the front. Oh, my God. Eight out of 10 girls in western Nepal are banished from their homes and must partake in living in menstrual huts while on their period. You want to talk about a pitch for a great reality show. How about a menstrual hut? You that those you think those women from real housewives in new jersey were bitches how about how about this once a month four out of five they could have said that but eight out of ten okay just in western nepal yeah eastern nepal it's 10 out of 10 i don't know why they didn't go with that stat right um and then uh and then also during the stat. Right. And then also, during the reality show, you could have somebody show up in blackface, and they'll go, oh, menstrual hut.

I'm looking for the menstrual hut. Oh, wow. That would happen? Only if that joke was written by somebody else who I could blame for it. Oh, yeah. Chris Denman wrote that. Well, he has his finger on that eastern Nepalese pulse. And also on the blackface pulse.

Yeah. Well, blackface is still very acceptable in parts of eastern Nepal. And eastern St. Louis. Yeah. Around the mid-coast area. Here's a story right here at home. Drivers in Southern California have scrambled to pick up cash after bags of money fell out of an armored car on a motorway. Several bags broke open, spreading mainly $1 and $20 bills all over the lanes and bringing the motorway to a chaotic $1 bill,

so it looked like a strip club floor at 2 o'clock in the morning. I can't believe people didn't die all over the freeway. Yeah, they showed people laughing and jumping in the air as they held wads of cash. Two people were arrested at the scene. And they're urging anyone who took the money to turn it in. And they say about a dozen people so far have turned money in. Wow. I wonder if they turned in all the money they found.

That's a good point. Did they give them anything in return? Well, no, you'd be arrested if you don't, because they have it on video. They should incentivize them in a positive way also. But once on the Taconic, when I was growing up, guys showed up. They were coming up, I think, from New York.

And I was up there like I had a summer job and it was 60 miles north of Manhattan. So anyway, guys were coming up, kind of like the ladies who live next door to you in the Hamptons. They were coming up on a Friday. Taconic Parkway, beer truck, tipped over on one of the turns or whatever, spilled beer all over the highway.

And so my buddies jump out and so did others. And there was construction. And that's why it was really windy. They got some of the construction barrels or like, you know, those orange. Turn them upside down. Just filled them. Filled them with tons of beer. It was the best weekend ever.

No shit. Yeah, it was great. You drank it out of dirty orange containers? No, no, no, no. It was cans and bottles. Oh, oh, oh. We were all over the road. Oh, my God.

That's hilarious. Yeah, it wasn't a loose beer, right? Wow. That's so awesome. It was really good. I mean, when you're a teenager, that's like the lottery. Yeah. When I was a teenager, when we were like maybe 13, we snuck.

There was a girls' Catholic college in my town, in Tarrytown, New York, Marymount College. And so we used to go up there all the time and harass the girls. Fun. And they had a bar, and we snuck in at night when it was closed and we took all the liquor and we had this fort in the woods and we had this fort that was fully stocked

with fucking Jack Daniels and beer and vodka and yeah everything sounded kind of cool until you talked about your fort in the woods we burned it to the ground one night by accident Everything sounded kind of cool until you talked about your fort in the woods. We burned it to the ground one night by accident. Were you guys seven when you raided this bar?

It was a nice fort. Well, my friend Tommy Bucci, his father and his brothers were all in the Carpenters Union, so there was always a lot of wood and tools around. So we built a pretty sick fort. It had porno magazines in it and a bong and a stock bar. I mean, that's a pretty good fucking fort. What woods? How are people not finding your fort all the time?

It was in the woods behind Tommy's house, pretty deep in. And then one night, I remember the night it happened. I was standing out in the woods, and I felt hot water on my leg. And I looked over and my friend Kyle was pissing on my leg. And then and then I saw I turned around and the fort was on fire and we fucking ran. And then we heard the fire trucks all night putting out the the blaze. All right. Wait, there's a lot to understand there. So the fort's on fire, and at that moment, Kyle's like, I'm going to pee on Greg's leg?

He should have peed on the fort. All right. Okay. I like going back to thinking about you guys as seven years old. All right. Let's do some entertainment. All right. Let's do some entertainment. Let's do it. Ghostbusters sucks.

All right. You have a Jonah Hill. Oh, I put that in there. It was announced this week. Jonah Hill is going to play Jerry Garcia in a Martin Scorsese film. No! Yeah. Don't talk about his weight. Or his missing finger. I think people did talk about Jerry's weight.

He has an ice cream named after him now. But Scorsese's obviously great at music. You know, he was one of the editors, I believe, editors of Woodstock, the film. I didn't know that. Scorsese worked on Woodstock for sure. And of course, the last Waltz and the Bob Dylan documentary and a bunch of others. So and music, of course, is amazing in all his films. Yeah. Like Goodfellas and Casino.

So but what do you think like the angle is knowing jerry garcia i mean i guess they'll play up uh i don't know much about that draft dodging oh he was a draft dodger well the story and i could be totally wrong the story, and I could be totally wrong, the story I remember hearing was he cut off his finger to avoid it. Oh, no shit. And I could be totally wrong, but that's the legend I heard. Wow. Yeah. Huh.

I'm probably wrong. I look forward to the corrections. I mean, there's a lot to cover. We just saw his house when I was in San Francisco last weekend. We were in the hate, and we went and found his house, the old Grateful Dead house. And, I mean, that's a lot of years to cover. That's a lot of adventure to cover.

Did you ever see that movie about the train that had Janis Joplin? Yes, yes. That was amazing. That was amazing. And Jerry was incredible. He was kind of the ringleader. He was very well respected, especially the folk and bluegrass areas. But like I wonder like, you know, obviously a drug addict and a lot of struggle. But like, you know, with with No Direction Home, when Scorsese did the documentary, this isn't a documentary, though. But when he covered the Dylan thing, you know, there was a lot of like when Dylan lost all his fans or a lot of them going to rock. I'm just wondering what do you think this documentary will be?

Yeah. Or movie. I keep saying documentary. Movie. Wait, hold on. I'm looking up the name. And it's a movie. Huh.

There was a guy. Do you remember a guy that used to do like Kimmel all the time and he looked like a child? And they used to do hidden camera sketches with him? Yeah. Kimmel then produced his show. Yeah. What was his name? I think he got famous because the super bowl song or something

yeah super bowl is dumb or whatever it was anyway he is let's say his name is frank i got onto a plane one time in new york and uh uh i get to and it's all backed up getting on the plane so i'm standing in first class waiting to go back to coach where i belong and i look over and uh i see a kid and i think it's frank the kid the the child the man child from kimmel and i go i go he looks at me and he recognizes me and goes, oh, hey, man. And I go, oh, hey, Frank. And he immediately knew I was talking about that kid because I think people had often said he looked like that kid. Yeah. And he goes, no, Jonah Hill.

I was like, oh, yeah. Sorry, man. Oh, wow. And then I had to continue to stand there. The fucking line would not move. And I was standing next to him then for like another minute. It was brutal. Oh, no.

He didn't come back? I guess he didn't come back from first class and say hi halfway through? No, he kind of left me alone. I can't find this guy's name anywhere. Then he had his own show on MTV. Yeah. Andy Melanakis. There it is.

Yeah, I said Andy. I go, oh, Andy? Andy? And he was like, no, no, I'm not Andy. Wow. That's not a good one. Chris, can you pull up a picture of him and put it next to a picture of Jonah? And let's put that.

If you're not watching the show, by the way, you can watch the show on YouTube. If you go to my YouTube channel, just go to YouTube and look up Sunday Papers. If you look up Greg Fitzsimmons, it's on my channel. Just YouTube that phrase Sunday Papers, you'll find it. I'm sure Scorsese tried to get Milonakis to play Jerry Garcia, but it didn't work out. Could have gotten him a lot cheaper. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Also, you want to do your Taylor Swift story? Okay. So I'm watching. First of all, I found a new way to watch Saturday Night Live. I'm watching it, right? And it goes into a commercial parody like 10 minutes into it. And I'm like, oh, there would normally be a commercial there, right?

Especially after it. And there wasn't. And then all of a sudden it's like, ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Swift. I'm like, whoa. And then she does a 10. It was one of these things where I'm like, okay, I'll get some things done while she sings or I'll fast forward a little. All of a sudden she has a guitar. Then she doesn't have a guitar. And eventually I'm like, how long is this song? She did a 10 minute song. That's that's nine more minutes than I really want to see from Taylor Swift. But I mean, you know, it's about a lot. What is it about? It's about a breakup and she left a red scarf at a dude's house.

That's all it's about. Yeah. Anyway, the new way of watching Saturday Live is so after her performance, after her 10 minute song, it goes right into the news. I'm like, wait a minute. And it turns out when you watch Saturday Live on Hulu, if you have the paid subscription to Hulu, they remove all the commercials. Oh, nice. Okay. Yeah. But here's what was really bad for Taylor Swift. Right after a 10 minute song. The first joke Colin makes on Weekend Update is about Taylor Swift

criticizing her in the song. No shit. Yep. About how long it was? Yes. just about. If you don't want her to do a 10-minute song about you, don't keep her scarf or something like that. Wow.

And the song apparently was about Jake Gyllenhaal. Yes. And their three-month relationship. It was on her 2012 album, I think. And then she just made it beefier. The song was slightly longer than the actual relationship to Jake Gyllenhaal They only went out for three months. This song is Terrible. Oh my god

Her next song is gonna be about fucking Pete Davidson at the after party because that's what happened that night 14 minute song. Yeah. About Pete Davidson. Which is three minutes longer than he fucked her for. Yeah. I started to watch the Hulu, speaking of Hulu, their new three-part documentary series of The Curse of Von Dutch, a brand to die for. Remember all the Von Dutch trucker hats?

Yeah. And all that. So anyway, that looks interesting. There's a lot of characters involved. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And all that. So anyway, that looks interesting. There's a lot of characters involved. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And speaking of Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton is all over this documentary. Well, it started with how many designers have had their own fucking movies now. Right. There's there's one about Gucci. There was one about the guy who was gay who got killed by a boy toy. Yeah, in Miami. Yeah.

Versace? Yeah, Versace. There's been probably five movies about designers in the last two years. Oh, and the documentary on Halston came out within the last year. I heard that's a good one. Yeah. I heard they're all excellent. Well, the Von Dutch is interesting

because there's a lot of unhinged people in it from what I've seen so far. Yeah. All right. There was a musical that came out called Diana. It opened on Broadway and is being called now possibly the worst production on Broadway in history. The reviews, New York Times called it exploitative.

Deadline.com, which likes everything, called it a royal mess. Washington Post drama critics said, as with the car crash that took her life, the most appropriate response to Diana the musical is to look away. Whoa. One night, a man in the orchestra reportedly yelled, fuck you, at the actor playing Prince Charles. So I think that this might be so bad it's good.

Could it be like the producers were Max Bialystock? You know, they make a play that's so bad people will go see it yeah and it's a musical wow because i heard there's also tom told us he saw it and i did i just got a screener did you get a screener about diana i think that's different though it is no no it is different you's her name? Of course, we're terrible with names. But what's her name from Twilight? Yeah. Plays her.

Right. And Stewart, Kristen Stewart. And it's supposedly horrible. Oh, really? Yeah. Huh. Well, I think the reason why the Broadway show isn't working is the actress playing Diana is overweight. She needs to drop a few pounds.

Is that true? No, it's a bulimia joke. Oh, I got it. I got it. She could step on a landmine and lose maybe half her body. Now we're just tying anything Diana-related into it. Succession just keeps getting better and better some people don't like it i i think it's great they're going deep deep into one storyline this whole season so far i haven't watched sundays yet yeah so i'm i'll watch two this coming thanksgiving week i guess it's just the sleeper character is the nephew,

the guy who's really dumb, but is Machiavellian at the same time. Him and Siv, is her name Siv? Shiv. Her and Shiv's husband together are fucking gold. Yeah. This brings us to Florida, man. Okay.

A man was arrested Thursday for allegedly throwing punches at a person who caught him humping their dog. Oh, who started it? So this guy, John Miller, 33, is charged with battery, aggravated assault with a weapon, and for damaging property. How did the dog know that it was a gun?

What are you saying? Why, the dog acquiesced? Yeah. He put a gun to the dog's head? That usually doesn't do anything. Would you confront a guy humping Brule? Probably not. I'd throw him some lube. Can you break Brule's will for me by raping him?

Okay. When the victim confronted Miller about humping their dog, Miller began to punch the victim in the head and upper body, according to an arrest report. And then the report said that Miller went back to his room, grabbed a knife and threatened to stab and kill the victim before running out the back door towards the street. Now, this seems really wrong, but I want to see a picture of the dog. I mean, that could be a mitigating circumstance. Yeah. Well, I loved, I told you, Norm MacDonald loved, you know, being contrarian and of course finding hypocrisy among people. But, and I've told this before, but in a writer's room,

he sensed someone among us was very much an animal rights person. And I think it was because there was some story about sex with animals. And Norm just lit up because he's like, wait, wait, hold on. He's like, you know, all those laws against having sex with animals are to protect the human, right? And like the laws don't give a shit about the animal. Anyway, I've told that on this podcast before, but he loved he loved pointing that out to people who are somehow under the notion that the laws are protecting the animals from getting raped. Oh, yeah. No, because at a certain point, look, I'm the congressman from the Southern District of California. Look, I'm the congressman from the Southern District of California.

I have agendas. I have constituents that are in different industries that want me to lobby for them and to litigate for them. And somehow a law is introduced that says you can't fuck horses because that's a law. Why did that guy introduce that law at that time? Because he's fucking a horse. And he wants them to stop him. He can't stop himself. He made a law? He made a law to stop himself.

He's like, just go to our sponsor and get some coaching and some psychological help. It's much easier. There's an easier way well that's uh you don't have to ruin the horse fucking party for all of us that's uh a tell's joke is like if i'm gonna have sex with an animal i'm gonna fuck a horse why because they're beautiful and you gotta ride home okay yeah and a dog you don't want to fuck your best friend that's gonna ruin it you I mean you want you want to be your best friend for life right yeah you want to be able to watch

football with him the next day yeah it's also that rape is seven times as long for the dog. Oh, yeah. We had to go there. We had to sneak that one in. Let's sneak in some international news. Oh, yeah. I like this story. I like this story. A Chinese food live streamer says he has been blacklisted from a grill buffet restaurant for eating too much. The man, known only as Mr. Kang, told Hunan TV that he was banned from the seafood buffet in this city after a series of binges. All right. buffet in this city after a series of binges. All right. Maybe Chris can look up what 1.5 kilograms and four kilograms equals in pounds. He ate 1.5 kilograms of pork trotters during his

first visit, 3.5 to four kilograms of prawns on another visit. Mr. Kang said the restaurant is discriminatory against people who can eat a lot. What do you think about that? Well, it's it sounds like you've got to excuse the pun. You got to eat the loss. I mean, if your policy is all you can eat, you're going to have some people that come in and they have one crab leg and a rice cake and they leave. That's it. And now you got this guy's kind of evening it out. They interview the restaurant guy. He makes no attempt to like make up some violation that the guy's doing.

He goes, Mr. Kang was putting him out of pocket. Quote, every time he comes in here, I lose a few hundred won, he said. Even when he drinks soy milk, he can drink 20 or 30 bottles. When he eats the pork trotters, he consumes the whole tray of them. And for prawns, usually people use tongs to pick them up. He uses a tray to take them all.

Well, you can't have it both ways. You can't apply the rule only to him. Now I see why we can't get any toilet paper out of China anymore. Well, the guy said now he's going to ban all live streamers from the restaurant. I don't know, because all of a sudden

I now want to watch this guy's restaurant online. That's true. That is good advertising. I mean, it makes it look like the food must be delicious. Okay, so get this. Last year, Chinese government started cracking down on eating influencers. I wish they'd do that here in America. And such videos may be banned altogether in the country.

It came after President Xi Jinping called on people to fight against food waste. It doesn't sound like this guy wastes any food. No, not wasting it. He's using that food. I mean, I guarantee when you have a buffet at the end of the shift, they must throw so much of that food out anyway. Oh, I know. Here's the trend. Here's the Chris converted it. So 1.5 kilograms is 3.3 pounds. So what was he doing that of pork trotters? And eight pounds of prawns. Eight pounds of prawns. To put that in perspective, a whopper is a half a pound of meat. I think it's a third of a pound. Third of a pound of meat. I think it's a third of a pound. Third of a pound of meat.

Yeah. Crazy. By the way, I had Shake Shack last night. Ooh. And the giant lines at In-N-Out are just idiot lines. Yeah. Can you imagine waiting a half hour for In-N-Out fast food? lines. Yeah. Can you imagine waiting a half hour for In-N-Out fast food?

I can. I do it all the time. I love it. You, well, hold on. You know there's countless amazing burgers in Los Angeles that are better than In-N-Out? I disagree. I think In-N-Out is the best burger in Los Angeles.

When did you have a Shake Shack burger last? I put Shake Shack right up there with In-N-Out is the best burger in Los Angeles. When did you have a Shake Shack burger last? I put Shake Shack right up there with In-N-Out. If there's a Shake Shack and an In-N-Out, I'll probably go to the Shake Shack. Yes. But I didn't know there were any in Los Angeles. Huh? Where's the Shake Shack in Los Angeles? Oh, they're popping up everywhere.

I mean, we're in Central City. Oh, they're popping up everywhere. I mean, we're in Central City. The Delta Terminal at JFK is so long, there's two Shake Shacks in the same terminal. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, there's one by the Museum of Natural History in New York. And whenever we're in New York, we go there, we take the kids, and then we go to Shake Shack.

Chris is saying the Shake Shack found her from St. Louis, also known as the Midcoast. The Midcoast. All right, let's do a little sports. I got to wake up. What's going on? Let's do it. Go. Floyd Mayweather defeated Logan Paul in a boxing Let's do it. Go.

Floyd Mayweather defeated Logan Paul in a boxing exhibition match in June. Five months later, Mayweather is finally admitting the harsh truth about the exhibition. People were surprised that Paul lasted eight rounds. He looked good. There was no winner announced because it was an exhibition. But now during an interview, Mayweather said that he said, we had fun, we gave the people just a little bit of entertainment, and people got to know there's a difference between a real fight and an exhibition. When I did an exhibition, all I did was work out from time to time.

Then I went down to a little eight-round exhibition. If it was a real fight, it would have been a blowout in the first round. So there you have it. Huh. He held back. He could have knocked him out in the first round. Well, Floyd, you have taken a legacy which might have gone down in history,

putting you at the top, maybe the greatest boxer that ever lived and you've made yourself a joke congratulations i don't know well was he maybe more of a joke before he said this thing i think he's trying to help his reputation by admitting that he didn't knock him out that admitting this exhibition really didn't count and maybe people should disqualify and they'll now really not look at it. And especially that it was a draw, you know, which a lot of people were calling it. I mean, he can't have needed the money, right?

I don't know what that, I mean, he did make a ton of money. I don't know. Jesus, I don't get it. Do people need the money who are addicted to making it? You know,edge fund guys? I was, oh, Chris is saying that fight pay-per-view made $50 million. So he probably got 30 of it. I bet you made $30 million on that fight. He also made a ton with, what was it?

I think the advertising, right? I mean, I think he had. Sponsors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, oh, he's a promoter also. He was a promoter of the event himself. Oh, I was challenged to a boxing match by my former producer, John- Why am I forgetting John's last name?

I remember you training for it. I started training for it. And John Matthews, my old producer. And I was really up for it. I was going to fight him. And then I started to get like, I have a bad left shoulder. And I couldn't lift my left shoulder. And I was going to get surgery on it.

And I canceled the boxing match. But you got to remember, John was the biggest nerd I've ever met. He was skinny. And I was like, oh, I can fucking kill this guy. So then he sends me an email the other day. He's been boxing because he does stuff with Jason Ellis. You know, the. Yeah, yeah.

Fighter. Yeah, he's a fighter. And so he's been doing these these televised matches and he's fucking beating people up. He sent me the videos. He's been doing these televised matches, and he's fucking beating people up. He sent me the videos. He's good. He would have kicked my ass. And he was thinner than you, right? Oh, yeah.

He was a skinny guy. But then I see he puts videos on Instagram of him taking these 30-mile bike rides and then hitting the heavy bag for hours and getting trained by Jason Ellis. So if I was ever going to fight him, I would have to take six months and really train. Yeah. But I can't lift the shoulder. I can't hold it up to jab. I'd be fighting him one-handed.

Boy, that's a new layer. I like it. what's this now jason ellis is gonna he's gonna box uh louis gomez who is what part of that skank fest crew out of new york ah yeah and lewis is gonna get fucking killed i wonder if this um uh whatchamacallit, Mayweather News, even though it was an exhibition, you know, a lot of people bet money on it. Did they? Yeah, like if you would knock them out and all that stuff, and now they hear this, I don't think there's any legal remedy. But, I mean, that is probably infuriating to people. No?

Yeah. Here's what's infuriating to people. No? Yeah. Here's what's infuriating. Wake up, there's a missing tennis player in China. It's unbelievable. They're facing pressure from the UN because tennis star Peng Shua, her whereabouts are unknown. Her whereabouts are unknown. Ever since she made allegations of sexual assault against the former vice premier, Zeng Ghali,

he coerced her into sex at his home. Literally, she's the top-ranked doubles player in the world, or she was at one point. Whoa. So she posted that he had raped her, and then China's Twitter-like platform Weibo deleted it within 30 minutes. And then the Chinese censors moved swiftly to wipe out any mentions of the accusations online. Her Weibo account, which has more than a half a million followers, is still blocked from searchers on the platform. Wow. So she just disappeared. She's just gone. Maybe she went to that buffet and that guy ate her. Is it possible? Well, especially if she stuffed eight

pounds of prawns down her pants. I did see headlines this week about this story that's crazy yep i mean look the chinese government has a million human beings in an internment camp right now the uyghurs are yeah because they're muslim they're being and some of them are being killed they're being fucking jailed and killed it's a concentration camp they're all being worked oh my god and the un is doing nothing about it because china is one of the five members of the un that has veto power and somehow that somehow that gives them the power to keep any pressure from being put on them about it? It's fucking crazy. Yeah. I'm looking up.

Yeah. Chris says, have they checked the menstrual huts in Nepal? Hmm. Meanwhile, Naomi Osaka is like, where do I sign up? Someone can make me disappear without a trace from tennis and the world. Yeah, I don't want to get raped, but I would like the disappearing part. Yeah. Thank you.

All right, let's do some science. Oh, here it goes. Wait, you're skipping the rest of sports? Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Oh, yeah. No wonder you want to. Yeah, I lost last week. Tampa Bay got fucking destroyed last week.

By a team that has no name. And they were a nine and a half point favorite and they got killed. So I now owe you, ready for this, $170. So, you know, I immediately paid you $400 last year on this bet. And do you know how it got to $400? Yeah, I think it was $200, then we went double or nothing on the Super Bowl. That's exactly right. So we're in the same neighborhood, but the other side of this coin now.

Right. So now this week coming up. Although there's a lot more games. Tampa Bay plays the Giants at home. So they're 10.5 point favorites. You get skittish around New York teams. Jets and the Giants beat teams they have no right beating. It happens all the time.

So I'm a little nervous. And they lose to teams that they should clobber constantly. So my pool that I was in that I won last year, there's about 220 people in it. It's a suicide football pool. I won it last year, split it with two other people

when the season ended. And this year I made it to the final five. And then last week I had fucking, I had Arizona. I had the Arizona Cardinals who were like the second best team in the league. And they were playing Carolina, who's one of the worst teams in the league.

And I got fucking knocked out of the pool. That's nuts. Do you know if it's still going on in the pool? There's three people left. Oh, really? Yeah. Huh. So I'm going to say right now that my pick would have been, if I was still alive, would have been Cleveland this coming week.

So we can check on that next week. Is that just because your Nick Swartzen connection is in Cleveland? Yes. I think it's going to bring me good luck in a contest I'm no longer in. Let's do some science. Here it is. And a contest I'm no longer in. Let's do some science.

Here it is. A new poll finds that when it comes to boredom, the emergence of smartphones, apps, and mobile games has changed the way people preoccupy themselves. Oh, there's a breakthrough. Yeah. Well, I didn't realize I do all this. I didn't realize how popular it was. 90% of Americans regularly use their phone while on the toilet. Do you?

Yes. Of course I do. because something on their phone distracted them. Okay, this is the one that got me because I thought I was a little more alone than this. Over half have added to their response that their legs and butt actually go numb while sitting on the toilet for so long. Oh, I could see that.

Oh, it's never happened to you? I firmly believe that I got a hemorrhoid from watching TikTok on the toilet for too long. I would sit there for 40 minutes I firmly believe that I got a hemorrhoid from watching TikTok on the toilet for too long. I would sit there for 40 minutes with my ass exposed and the weight pushing down on my whole undercarriage. Yeah, I got a hemorrhoid. The Hemorrhoid Society of America, it's right on their website. TikTok on the toilet. That's right.

Causes these babies. Yeah. You're going to start calling them TikToks, hemorrhoids. Got a little TikTok flare up. Yeah. I thought this was like something comedians talk about and it's relatable. And like half the club would kind of like laugh pretty hard because it applies to them. I did not think I'd see this in a study.

Well, read the last part of the study. So another one in three people confessed that their phone notifications have distracted them while having sex. Oh my God. Another four in ten say the first thing they do after making love is check their

phone. Yeah, you want to make sure the recorder is still going. Yeah, and that the Venmo payment went through. I wouldn't check it, but it's like, have you sent it yet? Yeah. It's like, all right, calm down. We just finished. Yeah. I always do that on Venmo payments. When you have to put something in the notation for why you're paying them, you always write for sex. Oh, that's right. I still owe Chris Denman money. I'm going to use Zelle.

Did you not pay him yet? No, I found my note right here in my closet, and I have not been back in here at least to look at this. Yeah. So after all that last week, you still didn't pay him? It's going to happen this week. Wow. Yeah. It's happening's happening oh i know what happened he didn't tell me how much i forget how much and i don't know what he spent he did tell me at one point but i think it was 120 dollars that seems steep um but it's uh it's worth it worth it it was on a bottle for a bottle of booze i'm down

here now there we go okay drop my pen this day in history here it goes thomas edison tommy announced his invention of the phonograph on this day in 1878. He stumbled upon the invention while working on a way to record telephone communication at his laboratory. So basically wiretapping. The first thing he invented was the phone. And then he immediately said, how do I record these? I love these accidental uh discoveries so he mentions he experimented with a stylus on a tinfoil cylinder which to his surprise

played back the short song he had recorded first song ever recorded mary had a little lamb yep and then taylor swift did a 10 minute version of it. Just as inane as her other song. So he set aside the invention to work on the incandescent light bulb and other inventors move forward to improve on the phonograph. In 1906, he unveiled a series of musical and theatrical selections to the public. He improved on the model and cylinders over the years, and the Edison Disc Phonograph debuted in 1912 with the aim of competing in the popular record market. Edison Discs were offered superior sound quality

but were not compatible with other popular disc players. Oh, so he was the early Microsoft. Yeah, or Vs versus beta during the 20s the early record business suffered with the growth of radio and in 1929 recording production at edison ceased forever in uh edison who acquired an astonishing 1093 patents in his 84 years. Died in 1931. He patented 1,093 things. Wow. And if you think, like, what was his real prime? Let's be generous.

Let's say he worked for 40 years, right? Half his life, he was 84. I mean, that's considerable. I mean, that's amazing how many he's doing a year. It's 20 a year. It's more than that. Yeah. It's crazy.

Yeah. So, do you, all right, here's a good example of why I can't be the guy who aliens abduct if they want to ask questions about how things worked out. Right. If they showed me a record player, I'd be like, I know, right? Yeah. You tell me. You have a spaceship.

I don't know. Even them with a spaceship would be like, yeah, we don't know how this works. Right, right. There's a moon rock needle and it catches vibrations off a piece of vinyl. Mm-hmm. By the way, is that, is it vibrations? What, I honestly don't know what's going on there. I think that the grooves of the record, uh,

I don't know. I don't, I don't, I mean, explain a CD, how packets of sound are shot, you know, and then through a Bluetooth. It's all ones and zeros, Greg. No, but even this thing I'm talking in, I don't know. I don't know any. I'm looking at a computer right now. The Zoom is recording. I don't know anything works.

Well, dude, you know, one story we didn't put in, I meant to add it, but I never did, was the Russians destroyed a satellite. And you're supposed to tell the other countries that you're going to do something like that, which they did not. They just basically shot a missile at a fucking satellite and sent 1,500 parts now floating debris, floating in space space that could destroy other it was crazy it was completely irresponsible that they did this but the point is they were experimenting for how during a war you would take out your enemy's satellites and so our cell phone service our cable tv all that shit will just disappear in a second if they destroy one of our satellites. More than that, all of our defenses. Right.

GPS. I know you're worried your microwave goes out or whatever you just said, but our defense system. I won't be able to listen to Howard Stern. That's the first one they're going after is Sirius Satellite. What would you do? I know it's a very popular kind of hypothetical, but what would you do

if you heard we have an hour? I'd fuck the first thing that moves. What would you do? I would be praying you were around Aaron. What do you mean?

Jonathan Katz had that joke and he said, what would you do if you had an hour left? I'd fuck the first thing that moves. What would you do? And the guy goes, I'd stay very still. That's a good one. Red light, green light. If I had an hour left to live yeah no i would definitely try to have sex again i'd listen to that taylor swift song six times

because i think i was a little unfair on her yeah another breakup song about leaving a red scarf there. I mean, real poetry. You should read it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, obviously it's about family. It's about getting in touch. But boy, what hysteria.

Remember Hawaii had that scare? Yeah. All of their phones, the emergency broadcast message came on their phones. And it was missiles had been launched came on their phones and it was missiles had been launched from Korea, I think it was. And that they'd be there in 25 minutes or something?

It was crazy. People contacting their schools to get their kids out and stuff. Yeah, I guess I would probably huddle with my family. While fucking Brulee, who showed up first? He moved. I told

him not to move. He knew what he was doing too. Alright, let's do some letters to the editor. I realized I didn't find a family circus, so we're going to do one live today. I'm excited. Okay, so last week we were talking about some cat names.

Rob Duke sent in, I have a black cat named Token. Does that mean Rob has 10 white cats also? Yeah, right. Okay. Andre Guzman said, I used to have a pet water turtle by the name of Squirt Russell and a cat named Quetzal Rose. Because we talked about that cat story of Mick Jaguar last week. Yeah, Mick Jaguar. Squirt Russell, that's a long way to go yeah i mean yeah well kurt russell gets a shout out elizabeth brown wrote in rest in peace cat stevens she had

a cat stevens that's pretty good oh that is good yeah yeah um so this guy matt corich wrote in says i've been married with my wonderful wife for 11 years and still can't fart in front of her I told her I wake up every morning with stomach pains and the greatest part of my day is waking up going to the back bathroom and ridding myself of all the gas

since we have so much in common 55 college kids dad visited me once in college and appreciated our beer free alright whatever dude you gotta get her past this college kids dad visited me once in college and appreciated our beer free all right whatever dude you gotta you gotta get her past this it's insane you can't you can't how do you not fart in front of a wife i fart this isn't her problem i mean he can't do it oh oh he can't do it. Oh, he can't do it. Yeah. But do you think he's afraid that she'll be upset?

Or he just has shame about farting? No, it's clearly around her. I mean, he is going to be alone to do it, but I imagine there's other farts during the day. My first closing bit as a stand-up comic when I started really working the road was about spooning with my wife and she farted on my balls. And it was a 10-minute bit.

And it was about intimacy. It was about that's when you know you have real intimacy, when you can fart on each other. Right. Yeah. I doubt she found as much humor in it as you did. It depends on the fart. If you're eggy, if you're sulfury and you know it, you get out of the room.

You go in the other room, you drop your pants. You don't fart with your pants on because then you trap and you bring it back in the room. God, I wasn't even thinking about the smell. Isn't that weird? Because mine don't really smell. Your farts don't smell? No, I'm a pure system. Is that true?

They really don't. My kids can't believe it. Ask them. You fart in front of your kids? Yeah. Do you try to make them loud to get a laugh? Not so much since I heard about your hemorrhoid story. Right.

Let those babies rumble out on their own. No, but I'll do the typical, like, did you hear that? And they're like, what? No, listen. And I'll draw attention to it. Uh-huh. Nice. But I think it is, like what he's saying, just a buildup of air.

I don't think it's digestion because I don't really, despite Googling four days of diarrhea, I don't really, despite Googling four days of diarrhea, I don't have digestion issues. So I don't think, like, oh, man, it was like clockwork. Back in college, Jerry, you know, my roommate. Jerry Ostron. We didn't have to say his last name. But anyway, he would eat a quarter pounder with cheese. And it was guaranteed to be the most horrific smell ever, like 20 minutes later.

Yeah. Like crazy and incredibly predictable. I was lactose intolerant for a while, and I used to fart really bad, and then I stopped eating dairy for years, and then I reintroduced it, and I'm fine. You'll be fine to a point. I bet you don't overdo it too much. I don't overdo it. What are your big sources of dairy? You don't drink cow's milk, do you?

No, I drink oat milk, and I eat cheese. I like cheese as a snack. Yeah, I'm not really up on it. There's good ones. Like goat cheese is maybe better than others or something. Yeah, probably.

For that. All right, listen. TJ Cain. Here's an email from TJ Cain. I was in jail for 102 days about five years ago.

My cellmate and I had a system worked out where we'd shit when the other one was in the yard. Oh, this is in reference to there was a guy last week who punched another guy in the face because he was shitting in their cell.

It's also in reference to, I guess, this guy, the previous guy thought his wife would punch him in the face if he farted in front of her. All right. His cellmate, I mean his wife. So they would shit when the other guy was in the yard. A couple of times he had late night issues and he was an expert at flushing with each push smell would get sucked down the toilet and the flushing would drown out the noise i would burrow under the covers during these times

it was awful mostly well another reason not to get thrown in jail think about that. You've got two beds and a toilet. You have to take a shit in front of another. I couldn't do it. First of all, this is the best prison abuse story I've ever heard in my life. I know. That's the problem?

You had to burrow under your covers? I mean, I'm sure he burrowed for other reasons at other times also. There was a lot of burrowing. Maybe you have a coded memory, as they say. Yeah. And this guy's flushing to drown out the noise of your whimpers. Right. As he is a raping you.

Yep. I don't know why I made that Italian. I do. I do know. What is this one? We'll skip this one all right let's get to the funnies oh boy i'm gonna go look up one all right go ahead are you gonna you don't have a family circus i don't but i'm sure it's funny let me just find it you go ahead though okay i gotta look this up here by the way, I looked up a picture of Andy Malinakis, and he looks exactly like, what's his name?

Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill. Exactly. Like a young Jonah Hill. All right. Of course. That's probably why Jonah was offended. All right. Let's start with a little Hagar.

Hagar really is horrible. In this particular comic, it's a king and a queen in their castle. They're looking out the window, and the queen is dressed in a low-cut pink dress. She has enormous heaving bosoms, and she's grinding her teeth and looks like she's about to be raped. And the king says,

Hager and his crew are headed this way. No worries. They're raiding the neighbors. And then she says, no worries. The neighbors must have better stuff. In other words... Is she referring to the neighbor's boobs? She's thinking that the neighbor's wife is hotter than she is and she's a little let down.

I mean, I guess it was taken as a high praise back then to be sexually assaulted by a Mongol. Well, any attention, you know, to some people. Not a Mongol, a Viking. Yeah, I didn't even catch that. Jesus, she needs help. She needs to go to that sponsor we have this week. She needs a coach. She needs to talk this through a little bit.

She needs a routine. Yep. Lock horns. Leroy is standing there, and Loretta. Leroy's got his hands in the air as a guy who's dressed as a very typical mugger. Muggers apparently all wore black and gray horizontally striped shirts with French caps. They're getting ready for prison. Yeah.

So he's running away from them. Loretta's got a check in her hand and she says, I scared him off by showing him your paycheck. Oh, she hits him hard. It's really unfair. She emasculates him. Yeah. But then he comes right back. He's standing there with his friend. He's pouring a drink for the two of them. And there's a wedding photo of Leroy and Loretta on the wall. And he says, and they lived haplessly ever after. Good stuff. Good stuff.

Oh, boy. Now it's my turn. Let's do it. You're not even going to see it because I haven't pasted it in the document yet. Here it comes. All right. And then I'll paste it in there. Okay.

So the little redheaded girl has walked up to the grandmother who's knitting in a chair. And this little idiot says to the grandma, and I have not even read, there's two sentences. I haven't even read the second sentence. Here we go. Gee, grandma, I didn't know chopsticks were good for sewing too. that's what it is. How this old woman doesn't impale one of these, quote, chopsticks in the kid's eye sockets, I have no idea. Yeah. I mean, even, I mean, at this point, I just want to caption another caption where the grandma's like, I'm too old for this shit, Jeff.

Like, just break the fourth wall. Yeah. Like, you can't. This is not, you dressed me up. You went through a lot of work to put me here knitting. And for what? Yeah. This?

Yeah. I'm an old lady. I suffered through the Depression, World War II. I raised children. And now this is my thanks and my golden years is to have these little fucks saying ain't comments to me while I'm knitting? Yeah. And also, you're going to smear my name? Now I'm associated with this?

Yeah. I didn't have to be in this all right all right don't drag me into this mess oh my god yeah all right oh god really depressing well this will cheer you up blondie is striking this week her use of her color palette is so fresh it always makes me think of springtime she's standing there there. She's got a Kelly green skirt, and she's got on a, what would you call that shade of blue? Is that aqua?

Aqua blue? No. No, it's like a baby blue. It's like a baby blue. And it's got a little turtleneck, but her right bosom is just, it doesn't hang after all these years. She is full and the calves are tight.

And she, of course, where is she? She's at the stove with a fucking apron on. And then asshole is in the fridge. Blondie, don't we have any grape jelly left? What is she, the fucking stock boy? And she goes, no, we don't dear and then she goes you prefer strawberry jam on your toast anyway and then the last frame is him sitting down eating toast with jelly jam jelly jam with strawberry jam and he goes i learned a little bit more about myself every day is he a special needs kid she? She is married to somebody with Down syndrome,

and she has to lead him through. I mean, what is she getting out of this relationship? She deserves a man with a hairy chest that fucking smokes cigarettes and takes her, takes her where she wants to go. Aren't you supposed to describe yourself? You just described a real man. Oh. And she should be

with a neurotic, skinny, overly medicated, overly medicated guy with no hair and a belly. That's what she deserves. I know, who am I? I shit on Dagwood so much,

but at least he's got a flat stomach for all the shit food that he eats. He's got a, you know, good physique. food that he eats, he's got a good physique. Yeah, and he wears a bow tie every day. Yeah. And maybe he knows how to eat pussy.

Maybe he's just a master cunniling guy. And look at you. Yeah, you should not be casting stones for sure. I got the 5 o'clock shadow. I'm always irritating things down there. All right. Well, I have to formally apologize, man. I thought I'd wake up during this. I even took a drug to do so.

I did not bring it. I did not bring it. Mike, it was totally fine. I was dead too. I took a Ritalin and I feel like I got to about 85% instead of 100%. No, you carried this thing. So, boy, we're going to come roaring back. Oh, so what do we do next Thanksgiving weekend?

Thanksgiving weekend. What are we going to do? Are you just around? I'm around. Okay, I can do it from up in Ohio. I hope there's a good Wi-Fi. Okay. Wi-Fi in Ojai.

Oh, I can hardline it probably. I wonder hotel's Wi-Fi. Oh, you know, you should take your dad golfing at the Ojai Valley Inn. It's the best course. Well, you know, that's where we're staying. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever played the course there?

We played it two years ago, yeah. So we plan to play a lot. That's awesome. Yeah. What we plan to play a lot. That's awesome. Yeah. What a frustrating game. Holy shit. I'll come up if you guys need a fourth. Let me know.

We would definitely maybe organize something like that. Definitely maybe. Way to fucking hedge on it. Definitely maybe. No, I mean, we're definitely doing that. I'll maybe call you. It's like a Taylor Swift song. There's layered lyrics with tons of meaning.

I feel like Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian won't confirm that I'm fucking her. They're an item, man. Are they officially an item? That was the news. That was the headline, which is weird. Why didn't we do it? We don't do that kind of news, right? We already talked about them.

Yeah. Yeah, we don't need to keep harping on it. Who cares? I wouldn't mind if Kanye kidnapped Pete Davidson. That would be good. I'll tell you what, though. I noticed maybe, I think it was two weeks ago, they're really leaning into the

Pete Davidson you know it's a typical Lorne Michaels move like he smells you know he smells something cooking and he leans into it I mean Pete Davidson was in almost every sketch and that's from a guy who was hardly in any and who does not have I think's funny, but not a lot of range. It's not like he's bringing different characters to sketches. Right. No, I agree. He did a funny one. There are these three, and I guess they're writers. I should know more about it.

I used to know everything about SNL while it was happening. But they do these sketches like up in the writer's room. And then Pete Davidson said to said to them hey why don't we do a thing i think i have an idea we'll do a music video and so anyway that that's what it was this i think it was this past week so i thought that was pretty funny and but they did those three guys they and i should know their names they did a sketch about like everyone who's making the the hard seltzer waters yeah and it was it was pretty. Have you seen that yet? No. I'm sure there's a collection where they're all in one place of all the shorts they've done this

year. Those are worth checking out. They're very absurd. Okay. Especially that hard seltzer one was great. All right. All right. Well, listen, we'll see you guys next week. And don't forget to pick up your coffee mugs for the holidays. Go to Fitz dog.com or Sunday papers.net. And we want to thank the fine people at mid coast media. Yeah. Denman, Beth hoops and key who turn in a fantastic product weekend and week out

out of St. Louis. Was I supposed to say something there? No, usually in a conversation or podcast, people kind of go back and forth. Well, you should thank Midcoast Media. I heard you.

All right, yeah, and Denman, tell me how much I owe you. Oh, Jesus, he's never going to pay you. But you have to keep it on the hoops a lot. You know what I'll do? I'll pay him out of the money I'm going to owe you from football this year. No, I'm not complicating things like that. All right. We're going to do a clean double or nothing bet at the end of this puppy.

All right. Oh, wait. Hold on. Let me check one thing. Did we get the ad? No. We have another ad read to do, but it didn't come in this week. All right.

We'll see you guys next week. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Read all about it. Read all about it. That little red-headed fucker

Steves fucking Billy We totally gave up on that cunt Fucking Amy The best part of our week Is your bitchy weary Hangar and bonding Fuck Jonesbury Sauteed fucking papers

Sauteed fucking papers Sautéed fucking papers Bernie Chauvin can write a fucking song Billy Jones, the rest can lick our balls Catching mushrooms and go to the jet It's named fucking Billy