Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 91 11/28/21

Episode Date: November 28, 2021

Some leftover stories from the week including Will Smith ejaculating until he pukes, Ghislaine’s treatment in prison, a Texas woman acting like a Florida man, and a North Korean man is sentenced to death for watching “Squid Games". Bet they do it in a fun way.  

Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Oh shit. If you really wanted to get this shopping, you know where you have to turn and I'm the motherfucking Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers, bitch. There's only one way, haters. If you really wanted to get this shopping, you know where you have to turn and I'm the motherfucking Sunday Papers. You know all about it. He's in the streets and he's shopping. Fitzsimmons got the vision and the crown, bitch.

But Mike Gibbons is just sitting there with his outfit. There's a lot of people listening every weekend, but a thousand? Well, who would have thought that's astounding? Whatever. Michigan's on the two-yard line. They're up 21-13. Second and goal. Let me watch this as you scream. Come on.

Look at that. Sophie's at the game. She took a ret. All right, we'll talk about it. Go ahead. All right. Count us in. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Will our hosts be tired from trip to fame, or will they be energized by the race to Christmas? Read all about it. Read all about it. Will our hosts be tired from tryptophan or will they be energized by the race to Christmas? Read all about it. Sounds like the latter. I think it'll be the latter. I'm going to bet on the latter. I still always get hung up on former and latter, and I don't like when people say it because I have to run through former and latter in my head every single time. Oh, okay.

have to run through former and latter in my head every single time oh okay i feel like it's a good punch line to a joke like something involving a ladder and the punchline is the former of the latter i've seen that before all right well you're gonna see it again in 2022 because i'm gonna write like sneaking into a bedroom yeah you could take the you could take that you go through the front door window i prefer the ladder right see how we did that happy thanksgiving everybody welcome to wordplay wow michigan game wow it's exciting all of a sudden i'm a college football person so i'm up here in ohio which is amazing and gorgeous. It's north of Los Angeles, and my oldest, who goes to Michigan, was here. She left L.A. on a red-eye last night, flew in, pre-gamed, and is now in the snow at this game with 109,000 people in Michigan. What's the temperature?

At the big house, cold enough to snow. I don't know what the temperature is. What's the spread? And I don't mean on the game. I mean on the virus. Well, okay, so we're going to get into that a little. But Michigan was, I guess we'll do it now, Michigan was a huge concern for the CDC. I guess they went there two weeks ago because the flu, the flu was going crazy in Michigan.

Then the headline I read this morning, the virus is going crazy in Michigan. Go blue. And now the CDC is there again for the virus. I think go blue is now going to mean the color you turn after you die from the coronavirus. I think I was going to just yell code blue, code blue, blue. Well, she has two vaxes or three at this point. She has three. OK, I believe.

Yeah. Yeah. She definitely has three. They got it at the school because the university and I'm sure all the colleges in Michigan, are freaking out. Because talk about, I wonder if that's an argument could be made that they bring in the most outsiders of any other industry in the state. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right.

Especially today. She said everyone she knows flew back early from Thanksgiving. And a lot of the students obviously live in Michigan, but so many flew back for this game. Wow. Yeah. So did she fly? Because you're up north in Ojai.

Did she get from Ojai to lax to fly home or she just didn't come up to ohio lax she was up here but then she went down and spent christmas uh it was liz's year uh with the co-parenting so uh she did thanksgiving in la thanks she did thanksgiving the first half of the day here and everything and then thanksgiving dinner in la and then flew out oh she didn't come to the soccer game what's's up with that? She wasn't around for that. Is that the one that Dennis Gubbins got injured at or was that was a different one? Uh, that's a different one. Oh boy. How was your soccer game? Soccer game was great. We had 22 players, which was perfect. That's a perfect soccer game. Wow. And, uh, we played for two and a half hours and I literally could not move yesterday.

I was fucking my stomach, my back, my legs. I got in the hot tub three times, and then I even went and played golf. And I usually carry my bag, and I had to take one of those push carts because I couldn't carry my bag. Oh, you old fucking... Oh, my God. Guess who I played golf with? Tom Brady. my back oh you old fucking oh my god it was bro guess who i played golf with uh tom brady no this guy uh this guy who's the bass player for um jane's addiction i smell an incredible theme song in our future oh shit well he's doing my podcast so i'll I'll bring it up to him during the podcast. Nice.

This dude has fucking stories. He just toured with Miley Cyrus. He toured with fucking everybody. He's about to do another tour with Eddie Vedder. He's like one of the biggest touring bass players of the last 20 years. Wow. Studio musician. He's done, you know where he makes most of his money is uh fucking movies oh he gets points when he plays on a movie he gets points and they split

it like if you do a soundtrack for a movie you split it based on a number of people that played so sometimes he's with a group and they're like dude let's just get three of us we can do it we can do all the instruments otherwise you get an orchestra on star wars they're splitting it fucking 220 ways and they're mostly asian but he the horn section uh the strings actually more more likely the strings i did hear about songwriting there's a lot of new rules and i'm sure there's listeners out there who actually know what they're talking about. But a songwriter friend of mine was like, during COVID especially, if someone zooms in and is like, how's it going? It's like, good. And they

play them a little bit of it. And they're like, that's cool. You know, what if you, like they're on there for writing credit If they zoomed in for five minutes. Oh, no shit. Yeah. Now, I'd love to get mail to see how right I am about that. But that is what I've heard from Wheeler Walker Jr. We'll talk about some of that later when we're going to review Let It Be, the Beatles documentary. You haven't watched it, I'm sure, because you've been away.

Right. But I'm going to mention, I'm going to talk'm gonna talk about a little bit oh i like that um we want to thank uh oh and then uh and then we did our dive into the ocean we had the whole group we had about 30 people down at the venice pier ran into the ocean it was a santa ana wind so it was not that cold. It was about 60 degrees out. Very cool. Caught a couple waves, rode them in. Wow. The only thing of interest here is, so Ojai is really beautiful, and it's hills, and it's valley,

a lot of valleys. And after Thanksgiving, walking back, and we see a lot of, not a lot, but like three or four flashlights on this hillside where the rooms are. And we're walking up, and all of a sudden Olivia's like, holy shit, a bear. And it was right outside our room. No. And they were looking for it big time. Now, there's a family of raccoons. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. There's a family with flashlights tracking a bear at night? No, no, no. It looked like hotel employees, but it also looked like maybe animal control. Really? Yeah, the poor thing. I mean, if the bear has figured out this hotel is a food source, at best they're going to try to catch it and move it.

No, he's a rug. That dude's a rug. More likely he's a rug. That dude's a rug. More likely, he's a rug in the main lobby. Yeah, right. So anyway, but usually there's raccoons who are, and they're amazing because everyone puts outside their room, they put out their room service. And every door is outside. Every room in this hotel the door is outside oh that sucks i hate those kind of hotels oh really i love that i although i love that hotel i guess i'm having flashbacks to when i when i was starting out and i was playing colleges and

i would stay in motel sixes where the door was in the parking lot and people would start their car the next morning with the exhaust face towards the fucking crack in the bottom of your door. Then you finally get to sleep. Yeah, right. That's right. I think that's the definition of a motel is the doors are all exterior.

Yeah. But this is because they're all individual, you know, casitas or whatever the hell they call them. So anyway, these raccoons just are like you come back and they, you know, they're so I love raccoons. And they're like just very delicately inhuman, like eating French fries out of the, you know, out of the little, you know, like what? I guess it's not silver, like container, you know, with the little paper, the fancy room service French fry delivery. I was thinking it was pewter. It almost looks pewter.

And they're just sitting there like a family of them, like looking through. They know how to lift the lid, you know, those room service lids. But now a bear has entered the mix. So we'll see. Yeah, shit got serious. Yeah. So who's up there? Your dad, your sister, George?

Yeah, the cousins, the four girls, although my two girls left, and then Olivia came back up here, and Sophie flew to Michigan. Nice. Yeah, it was really great. All right, well, give my love to everybody. Oh, you've got to tell me where to find all those golf balls. I'll go out there this evening. Oh dude.

The golf course up there. We found, we found, I'm not exaggerating when I say I brought home 40 golf balls and they were mostly new pro V ones because that course is all, it's all tourists and they suck at golf and they play once a year and they, and they buy a bunch of balls and they don't give a shit if they hit them in the woods. So you, you go in the woods and you just, you just, I was filling up my shirt with balls coming out.

So classy. You're in your fifties, right? Would you have predicted that when you were 18 doing the same thing? All right. We won't bore people with the golf thing, but this story is just interesting on a weather front, which arguably is more boring. But both mornings we played golf early and they had a start on the on the 10th hole, the back nine. And it was because they're like the valleys here. and they're positioned differently where there is a, this morning, a 12 degree difference between the third hole and the 10th hole and frost. And they're like, we can't even use our mowers till 10 a.m. And this is right outside Los Angeles.

Damn. Yeah. So your Santa Ana bullshit didn't come anywhere near here. No, I guess not. Yeah. So your Santa Ana bullshit didn't come anywhere near here. No, I guess not. Yeah. I'm trying to find this guy Chris's last name. Chaney. Chris Chaney is the bass player's name.

Oh, all right. If anybody wants to Google him, he's a pretty fascinating guy. Check. All right, good. I'm loud enough. A little late to check my levels. Our logo this week comes from Ward Wyatt. Very humorous.

I'm glad. I'm always glad when I get to be the guy. Finally. It doesn't happen often. Nope. Yeah. Not often. The song this week is not from the Triumvirate that are fighting.

There's a battle royale going on with theme song artists. But this week it came from Daniel Morales. I don't know if he's trying to throw his hat in the ring, but things are heating up. Let me tell you something. Rob Dukes, here's the irony. Rob Dukes, who is this thrash metal, insane, insane person, he's written us a lot of songs,

and they're always very popular. He comes out and he says, of this competition going on between him and Tony Kekes and... Kekes and John Cabrera, he said, can you propose to these other two guys that I think we could do a collaboration of all three of us on the ultimate Sunday Papers theme song? Are you kidding me? That's what he said.

And then here's what I got simultaneously, not knowing what Rob Dukes had written. Tony Cacase writes, hey, Greg, I would say Mike, but I know he doesn't read these. No. What did he write? The song today, this was Rob Duke's song, Can We Workshop the Yelling? I understand he's a famous rock star, but please let him know that as a classically trained musician, I'd be happy to help him learn how to write music and how to sing. Whoa.

So this is tony who writes gentle loving music wow but yeah but is obviously a fighter i wouldn't fight rob dukes i'll tell you that yeah all right fucking hard-ass dude so i don't know how john cabrera fears about all this but we'll find out cabrera corrections tj k. kane says uh says mike thinks jerry garcia cut his own finger off to avoid the draft i don't i didn't i did say listen this sounds like the biggest urban legend and i should i should have not even floated it of course it is so yes i i was wrong to even bring it up uh that's insane in 1946 two-thirds of four-year-old garcia's right middle finger were cut off by his brother in a wood splitting accident wow he avoided the draft

when he was four that's right his his his brother thought his hand was made of wood while the family was vacationing in the santa cruz mountains so garcia later confessed that he often used it to his advantage in his youth showing it off to other children in the Santa Cruz mountains. Garcia later confessed that he often used it to his advantage in his youth, showing it off to other children in the neighborhood. What an advantage. By the way, he then enlisted in the U.S. Army. That's amazing. Yeah.

He enlisted? Yeah. I do find that hard to believe. It said that he was enlisted in the U.S. Army as a punishment for stealing his mother's car. Oh. They made him join the Army. Oh, okay.

He went through basic training. Now I'm on board. Went through basic training, was transferred to Fort Winford Scott in the Presidio. Oh, I've been to that place. Wow. Can you imagine Jerry Garcia climbing up ropes and trying to get his body like over the high wood walls and stuff and crawling in the mud underneath the wires. Yeah. Which is what his followers did years later to get into his concerts.

But it says that recruit Jerome Garcia's staunch resistance to the strictures of military life six decades ago got him discharged his months into his enlistment. So he got kicked out pretty quickly yeah discharge i wonder if it was honorable or dishonorable or i think there's a middle one which is more neutral every time i jerk off i feel like i just made a dishonorable discharge absolutely barbara allen says please tell me you know the scarf represents her virginity dishonor I don't even know her um she's clearly she's talking obviously about the um Taylor Swift all right Barbara Allen if that's your real name it is not representative virginity and by the way if it does it means she's an even worse songwriter because she writes about the scarf representing her innocence so she spells it out it's pathetic yeah and no and by the way the red scarf is the oldest symbol in

the book to represent virginity it's all comes from little red riding hood no matter what it was called in whichever language it was translated. Little Red Riding Hood lost her virginity? Little Red Cap, Little Red Riding Hood. No. No matter. Wait. You're joking, right? I'm not joking.

You're saying that all these years, Little Red Riding Hood is a story about a little girl losing her virginity? A hundred percent. Read it. It's insanity. Get the fuck out of here. The wolf represents the sexuality, and she knew it was a wolf and is even looking at it saying my what big teeth you have and you know in my and it was all

this very scary stuff i'm getting turned on right now yeah yeah yeah and uh i think the wolf fucked the grandma too anyway uh so you know the very quick little thing on grim fairy tales are these stories all worked and then a guy bruno bettelheim who was a freudian contemporary and i think student he wrote a great book called the uses of enchantment and he's like these are all oral tradition and passed on and he goes and and they were honed and honed over hundreds of years before the brothers Grimm finally wrote them down. And when they are honed by troubadours and in all these, you know, in the oral tradition, they would see what worked. It was almost like it was being,

you know, workshopped. And some things, for instance, never changed, like the color red even if it was a cap a hat a hood whatever it was it was always red it had to be the story worked best and some of them like aren't intentionally about sex kind of like silence of the lambs but it's it's why the story works so well because it does resonate on that level as well. Wow. Okay. This is from G Rock. I believe the term graft was used when grift should have been as in want to hear Gubbins latest grift. I believe the term was swapped during the discussion.

Oh, and we were talking about free game tickets, but you paying for concert tickets, him getting free game tickets. Oh no, no. His, his were concert tickets and mine were concert tickets, him getting free game tickets. Oh, no, no. His were concert tickets and mine were concert tickets. Whatever.

Usually when we're talking about gubbins, it's grub. It's food. Not grift or graft, but grub. Yeah, or grab ass. Yeah. I got some dates coming up. I just added some dates by the end of the year you ready for this can't wait i'm on the edge of my hotel seat christmas i fly down to my mother's on december 21st where i will uh spend a week with my mother wow and my agent called my agent called and said hey you want to work christmas night at the West Palm Beach Improv?

I'm like, what time? He's like seven. I'm like, yeah, I'll be there. Totally do that gig. Yeah. We'll have we'll have Christmas a little early. Bring your mom. Yeah. No, she said she doesn't want to come because I'm too dirty. Oh, OK. Well, she has it. She has not lost her mind that's for sure so uh come come down if you're a jew and you want to come down on christmas night to the west palm beach improv i'll also be there the next night december 26th at the west palm beach improv and then adding new year's eve at the stress factory in new brunswick, New Jersey. That's the 31st. But also December 30th and January 1st,

I will be at the Bridgeport Stress Factory. All these tickets are available at FitzDawg.com. We had someone write in a funny letter, which I do read, you bastards. And it was like shuttling between Stress Factory. It could be like my autobiography or something like that. Like that's a good summation of my life. Like, yeah, bouncing between stress factories.

Yeah, it is. I fly in on the on the twenty ninth. I'm flying in a day early so I can go to the city because a tell is headlining Carolines and I want to see that show. Please, please go to David Byrne on Broadway. Oh, right, right. I'm telling you, $60, mezzanine, and he's playing throughout the whole holidays, I believe. Okay, I'm going to do that.

And then I'll head up on the 30th to Bridgeport, do the show, 31st in Jersey, and then back on the 1st to Bridgeport. I love it. Hey, speaking of making money, let's read some ads. You got it. There's a lot of stigmas. A lot of stigmas about anxiety in our culture. No need.

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Their guided approach teaches you the power of shifting your mindset in just a few minutes a day. They have great coaches. You'll have the support system helping you so you can stay with it. That's why I did it because I need structure. And not only did I need a therapist, but which is impossible to find like Christmas trees. They're just not around. And so there's a huge stress about and now everyone like, how the hell am I going to find a therapist? And also like one that I can afford. And anyway, this was the answer, but this structure that they provide with a coach and then the steps that they give you and daily exercises, it's great. Yes. And I, um, uh, I've had sleep issues. Everybody in my

family has sleep issues. Noom has helped me a lot. Maybe because you're awake all night. Did you? I think theirs are very easy to explain. Yeah, I'm having erectile dysfunction issues, mostly because my dick won't get hard. So I'm falling asleep faster, staying deeper. It takes 10 minutes a day.

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That's n-o-o-m dot com slash papers. Sign up for your trial now at noom.com slash papers. Okay. Were you supposed to read Call to Action? No. So I want to see you on auditions. Greg enters the room. Where have you guys been?

Greg looks around. Oh, God. So the other thing we want to talk about is we hope you didn't fill up on Turkey Day because at MyBookie, the fun is just getting started. This Cyber Monday, MyBookie is giving you a bet one get one free promotion on the monday night football game on cyber monday bet against the spread on the week 12 monday night football game and whatever you wager up to 100 you'll receive that same value back in a risk-free bet for week 13's monday night game my bookie is the only sports book where buy one, get one means that you're the one holding the bag.

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This Michigan, I didn't even look at their recent score, but, you know, Ohio State was favored by seven. And what's the score now? Uh-oh. They just gave a touchdown to Ohio, which I'm sure is fascinating for people to hear. A day-late score. 28-19 now. Michigan winning.

Oh, boy. All I know is your daughter's shit-faced right now. She sent a picture. She sent a picture posing with their Michiganigan stuff and it was uh they said it was a um a more a espresso martini morning oh really that's how they were pre-gaming yep yeah and there's and there's no and she came in on a red eye so she got in this morning and they said there was like maybe a tiny window to nap. Yeah. 28 to 20 now.

Wow. Love it. All right. Let's do it. Let's get to the front page, Mike. Do it. I have a shit ton of newspapers if we need them. What do you want?

The New York Post motherfucker? Yeah, do the Post. Do the Post. Extra. Extra. We all about it. Extra. What's the headline on the post it's called freed demon look at that guy oh outrageous parade killer was out on just one ah the democrats fucked up again and they let

this guy out on bail wait you can't crinkle the paper. You've got a microphone in your hand. I'll crinkle the paper. What do you mean? Look at this crinkle technique. Hey, single-handed crinkling. And what's this one? Need another one.

Okay. Hey, wait, wait, hold on. The New York Post, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch. Then there's this one. You ready? Woke. Look at that headline. Woke DA who freed Wisconsin suspect.

Look at that. Yeah. Oh, boy. Do they know how to do it? Ghislaine Maxwell. It's Ghislaine, right? Sure. Ghislaine sounds like the street that Epstein lived on.

Ghislaine sounds like the little space by the side of your bed. I always slip on my way to the bathroom. You need a runner there just to soak it up, you pig. You know, at night I slip on it and in the morning I get stuck to it. I need a maid.

A man needs a maid. Ghislaine Maxwell's siblings on Monday filed a complaint to the United Nations calling her pretrial detention an act of unprecedented discrimination. I guess they didn't set a bail for her. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. And they're making life difficult. She also petitioned numerous times to get out of the the rougher prison or jail, I should say, that she's being held in. And I don't know much about it, but I did hear that. And what they're trying to do is to get her to cooperate more than she is. Well, I mean, that is what we are all waiting for.

I mean, this is this is they first of all, they said the defense lawyer said that she's being unfairly treated and kept in terrible jail conditions as she awaits trial yeah and they said you know when jeslene imprisoned underage girls they were given sushi champagne comfortable beds for upwards of 45 minutes at a time she would also massage them during the rape i think i'm pretty sure she was right there at the massage table. I'm not even joking. And so, yeah. So she understands how to jail somebody. But look, we don't, the main thing is they don't let her kill herself in jail because we already lost one good guy

who had a lot of stories I want to hear. I want to hear about Bill Gates as a swinger. Can you picture how sexy that would be? I know, right? There are a lot of, yeah, especially want to hear about, who's the lawyer? Dershowitz. I want to hear about his trips to Fantasy Island.

And I want to hear about Donald Trump meeting Melania on that island, because I've heard from a pretty reliable source that that's where they actually met. Really? I knew it was at a party. Oh, no, no, no. And I knew she was with someone else. No, no, no, no, no. It was there. was with someone else. No, no, no, no, no. It was there.

And I'll tell you who it comes from. I shouldn't say. I can't say. But it is a huge celebrity who has been spotted on the island. Like, it's fact that he was on the island. That's your source. Yeah. You do run with a very cool crowd.

Should I say who it is no okay can i guess podcast you can look at my podcast list and there's somebody that was on it that oh that puts that puts trump and melania together there anyway but wait um did they talk about it on your podcast no it was during the commercial break oh yeah, yeah. You got to protect your sources. Yeah. Wow. So Bradley Cooper. All right. Here's a new strain of the virus.

New strain of the virus. Omicron. Omicron. Omicron. Omicron. I don't know how you do it. Omicron. Omicron. I don't know how you do it. Omicron. Omicron. It was initially known as B.1 or point.

B.1.1.529. I knew that one was coming. The last one was, we should have seen this. The last one was B.1.1.528. I know. Did we not think another one was coming? I know. It has a large number of mutations and may be more likely to reinfect people.

The variant has so far been identified in South Africa, Botswana, Hong Kong and Belgium. And then today's news is Germany and the Czech Republic have found the first suspected cases of the Omicron variant. But here's my thing if you were to ask me like uh all right what would be your work mike what would be your worst case virus like you can you can cook up any scenario you want what virus do you want heading your way well i'd be like well there's two areas i really don't want a virus coming to me from. One would be China. And then I would be like, oh, shit, man.

I forgot about Africa. These two places are really, I mean, they hit it out of the park when it comes to worldwide viruses. And that's exactly what this one, it's coming from South Africa. I mean, I don't want to point, not South Africa, Southern Africa. So you're right. Well, South Africa also, but seven countries in Southern Africa. Yeah. And I don't want to blame the Africans, but the truth is, you know, they should have taken

the vaccines that we didn't send them because we needed three. Why are they so stubborn about not meeting the planes that don't arrive? They are so anti-vax that they don't have. So, you know, one scientist and of course, all enable the virus to mutate more easily and it gives them more time. So that apparently is scientific fact. It may not. You know, some people might screen that that can't be known about this virus. But historically, that is true about viruses. about this virus, but historically that is true about viruses.

Speaking of viruses, Meghan Markle's lawyer is speaking out on the Duchess of Success's behalf. Jenny Afia, who is representing Meghan in her privacy and copyright infringement case against The Mail on Sunday's publishers, addressed claims that Meghan had bullied her staff after marrying Prince Harry, something her office has strongly refuted. And then she was... This is her giving the press conference. Wait, hold on one second.

Yeah? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I got to run. I need to stop by Praha to pick up some royal dresses, get them henned, and then go fuck myself. For those of you that don't know, Greg just answered the phone, which he makes the phone gesture with his hand. And it's not a new cell phone, which would have just been a flat hand. It was the old-timey thumb and pinky phone. At least you didn't do the old-timey where you just are lifting up the earpiece

as you talk into the receiver on the wall. The delivery on that was poor also. I could have really nailed that. That could have been our clip for the week. Meghan Markle, yeah, there's problems there. I really, we just heard her side of the story. You know what? I'm team queen.

I am team queen when it comes to her versus Meghan. I think, look,gan was an actress that's fucking two strikes against you right there child actress and then marrying a billionaire is third strike anybody also marrying into the royal family and uh and lasting as long as she did which was like a nanosecond. It's like, you sure you know what you're doing? This is a racist empire. Like maybe there is a great argument to be made. This is the most racist dinner table of all time. Yeah.

And historically for sure. And you're going to go in there and, oh, fun fact, you know, they, his mom, you know what happened to his mom, right? Like she didn't it didn't go great with the family uh and so you're still you're still gonna sign up yeah i can do it you can do it okay great and i'm out however many weeks later right right um i was dating a girl whose father owned 113 shopping malls in college. And I broke up with her because she was too rich.

I went to their house. They had this fucking mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut that was on 30 acres of Greenwich, Connecticut. And you're walking around the backyard with 20 golf balls in your shirt?

That I got out of his bag. And I used to fuck her in the pool right in front of them. They were in the house. I was in the back, you know, pretending we were hugging. It's the most obvious move ever. There's no pretending you're hugging. Yeah. Anyway, I didn't need to talk about that, but I did.

Yeah, you're not going to talk about the source for the Giselle stuff, but you're going to. I'll tell you, it's hard dating a super rich person. You ever date a super rich person? I did, but it was, you know, the Texan. Giant ranch and all that what was harder was they were incredibly religious uh so there was a lot going on there there was a lot going on there also you were never you were never going to touch that money because she was adopted and they treated

her like a second class citizen so she never would have gotten any inheritance all of that is true yes that's true yes i think you're right. And I think they were also very busy making a large fortune, a small fortune. Oh, that happens in Texas. Yes. Yeah, it sure does. And it was oil. It was oil-related industry that the grandfather, at least, maybe even the one before him. Anyway. Let's talk about Christmas trees. Dude, Christmas tree shortage. I think we mentioned it up top a little bit, but the headline was get ready for the Christmas tree shortages,

supply chain issues, and climate change. Team up. We always knew they would team up. Supply chain woes coupled with climate change are leading to a shortage of both real and artificial Christmas trees this year. knew they would team up. Supply chain woes coupled with climate change are leading to a shortage of both real and artificial Christmas trees this year. Quantities will be fewer and prices will be higher than usual. And I have the solution, especially for the the trees, the fake trees, they say, are in the supply chain issue, and most of them come from China.

But I would say, give everybody with the new virus a Christmas tree, and they will spread them all around the world. And we'll have too many. We'll have too many fake Christmas trees. Because they're spreaders? They'll bring them in the country. Yeah, absolutely.

Right. Right. So that's your solution. But, you know, if you think about it, like if you heard about this problem, right. Let's say you were somehow very far into this and you're like, oh, what's one of the headlines in their paper this week? Well, one of the headlines is that they're not going to get their Christmas trees real or fake. And you'd be like, is this related to what the real headline is, which is the virus? Like, no, no, no. The virus is contributing factor to the shortage.

So what's the deal with these trees? Oh, these people who it's a certain religion have trees cut down for them and they put them up in their house for about three weeks. And then what? And then they throw them out. Yeah. They all put them out on the sidewalk. Right. And what's the deal with the fake ones? Well, the fake ones are supposed to look like the real ones. And they put up then a fake tree in their house. Okay, well, you kind of can't knock it

because it's obviously their religion. Oh, no, it's not tied. There's no religious symbolism whatsoever. Right. Well, you said it was a certain religion. Yeah, I know. But they got it from this pagan thing, and it's unrelated to any rituals or anything religious. It's not in any of the scripture.

It's not in any of the religious writings. It's just a thing they do. There was a time in history where these people these religious people killed other people because they worship multiple gods namely the ones that had christmas trees and and and i love the hypocrisy of like the fucking the west side liberal picking up a christmas tree for a religion he doesn't believe in strapping it to the roof of his prius and destroying a piece of the forest yeah it takes i think i think they said between nine and 11 years, I think maybe for a Douglas fir.

And I know they have a lot of responsible growing programs and all that stuff. But still, it is pretty. I remember once being so angry. I was online and I like texted or tweeted from it. Like, I am on a 50 minute line to pay 140 bucks for a plant which is guaranteed to die in two weeks yeah right yeah hey you really nailed it um a federal jury said tuesday that walgreens cvs and walmart recklessly distributed pain pills into Ohio counties and played a hand in the hundreds of overdose deaths that plagued the communities. It's the first verdict for pharmacy companies in a case involving the opioid crisis.

The verdict could set a precedent for other local governments that seek to hold pharmacies accountable. to hold pharmacies accountable. Pharmacies distributed around 80 million prescription painkillers in Trumbull County. That's all? Between 2012 and 2016. Or 400 pills for every resident. Holy shit. Their attorney said the flood of pills cost the counties around $1 billion each per AP. Now, just to play devil's advocate, I've been to Trumbull County, Ohio.

400 pills is nowhere near enough of what you would need to numb the pain of living in Trumbull County. And I don't mean that to sound harsh. Well, I heard they had two stress factories there in both clothes because no one was stressed anymore. 400 pills per resident. No stress. No more stress factories. There's bliss factories. You're trying to get laughs.

I'm on stage. Everyone's just smiling. No noise. Just big smiles. Look at him. You see this guy on stage with the mic seems angry about something. It's a little hard to relate to. Hey, Jimmy, give him one of your pills. You got 400. on stage with the mic seems angry about something. It's a little hard to relate to.

Hey, Jimmy, give him one of your pills. You got 400. Do you have any? By the way, think about that if you do the math. How bad is your problem if you have to cop some pills off someone else? That means you went through your 400. That's right. Right.

Or you're getting them from someone who had way more than 400 because you didn't get your 400 that's right right or you're getting them from someone who had way more than 400 because you didn't get your 400 and that's what the average is that's scary wow and you know we also it's like if we're gonna sue walgreens for being irresponsible how about we go after them for making you say your birthday in front of a line full of people behind you and then give your phone number. Like I have done this and I'm not making this up. Sometimes when somebody gives their phone number, I call them. Like I wait five minutes and then I call them and I shame them about what drugs they just picked up. All right. I did make that up. I did make that up i did make that up i saw the hair color in your bag yeah right anyway good luck with that yeast infection by the way you didn't need those pills if i may i know you didn't ask me but uh the enema product you shouldn't have bought the generic

i just from experience get don't get the CVS brand enema bag. Never shortchange your asshole. Spoil your asshole. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no. In Houston, Texas, in a convenience store, a woman became frustrated with a video gambling machine, so she squirted it with lighter fluid and set it ablaze.

This angered a second woman because she couldn't play it anymore, according to Click Houston. In fact, that individual was so infuriated she shot the woman who started the fire. The gunshot victim is in the hospital, but in stable condition. The suspected shooter was gone by the time police arrived. How do you like? Wow. Here's Here's the manager of the store afterwards. Hey, Punjab, stock that lighter fluid a little further from the slot machine. We're having some issues. Okay, I have to admit,

I was a little distracted because of the game during the story, but the only thing I heard was Punjab. It was racist. I think maybe a little bit what a lot of 7-elevens are run by indian people and they do a fantastic job uh okay here's what i will say is because this is in texas i don't know anything about this story but all this woman has to do is claim she was afraid right and shot the other

woman maybe because she thought uh i don't know that she was going to light her on fire next yes and she will not even be arrested and that's where we're heading with this goddamn shit that's going on in this country i love this it really is what it comes down to is I was scared. These are the people that act like they're the tough ones. They act like they're the brave ones. And they're the first ones to go, I was scared. I had to kill him. I was scared.

Well, it's more than that. So the NRA gives them the exact language to say. It's written. It's in a pamphlet to absolutely seal the deal on the stand your ground, uh, argument that they will, they'll make. So, so George, my brother-in-law's here, who's awesome. We were talking about, you know, the, the written house verdict and all our pussy listeners just don't, just don't worry. We're not going to talk about written house verdict, but I guess, you know, I had said, you know, you know, one thing that it does

enable, which is an interesting thing to think about is you and I live in Ohio, uh, with our guns, which would, which could be legal. We go out to the street to have a duel. And, um, as soon as we take 10 paces, both of us have a great self-defense argument it's built in right uh that in other words i was afraid you were going to shoot me of course i was you turned around to try to shoot me by design so uh duels could start happening but did you hear now i don't know anything about this story and i didn't read it but george told me he just read about a case where a dad was dropping off his kids at his ex-wife's house but i think they might have been at the new boyfriend's house and the new boyfriend said he was scared and then he said don't come on my porch don't come on my porch and then said said, I'm going to go get my gun. And also added he was happy was being recorded.

I guess the what girlfriend, the ex-wife was recording, which the stand your ground people all love when it's being recorded, because then they have proof of the language they've used. And the boyfriend went and got his gun and shot the dad dead. Wow. And not arrested. Wow. I don't know if he's been arrested since that story, but he wasn't at the time. Anyway, we'll see. We'll follow that case. We'll do it next week. We're going to follow up on that case next week.

Entertainment section. Let's do it. There it is. Crinkle, crinkle. um well you want to talk about this hulu show the curse of van dutch i didn't see it yet should we wait till i see it yep let's wait okay and then we're going to also talk about i just want to talk briefly about let it be the beatles documentary that that started airing this week. Right. Holy shit. It is so fucking intimate. Wow. You are sitting in a room.

The cameras are right up next to John, Paul, George, and Ringo, and you are watching them create songs. Ob-la-dee, ob-la-da. Literally, George is just on his bass, and he plays his bass like a guitar. That's how he kind of writes his songs. And he just starts fucking around on the strings. And then he just goes, Molly has the same...

And you just see, over five minutes, them create the song out of nothing. You see Let It Be. While they're talking in the foreground. You see Paul in the background just playing with the keys. And all of a sudden, Let It Be starts coming out of the piano. It's so intense. And the tensions that arise between...

First of all, they're very polite because they're British. So it's not the kind of shit you would see like a thrash metal band in the u.s doing when they fought it's not like that metallic a documentary yeah exactly but this is about politeness passive aggression paul can be very passive aggressive george can be extremely passive aggressive but well george had one foot out the door if i'm not mistaken he had two feet out the door at one point. Oh, okay. And you start to feel like you don't belong there.

Oh, wow. That's how intimate it is. You start to feel like it's a violation that this was recorded. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. Like when all the whores and cocaine come in? No.

Tea. Why are you rolling guys on that? They would have like a little tea going once in a while and like a beer. It was no, they were very, they were very, you know, restrained. Wow. No, I want to see it very bad. No, I did see some clip where like a legendary song is like George maybe. is like george maybe uh yeah he does that one with the with the um uh sanskrit name and john's just like uh just put in a word just make just don't let it stop you just put in a word right like

marmalade or whatever on the fly like don't let it you know like it's gonna be gibberish on the first pass. Yeah. But, oh, my God. I will say there was a great documentary I saw. I'm not the biggest U2 fan, but they were struggling unbelievably. And they didn't know who they were going to evolve to be. And people will know, but I think it was the Octung Baby Sessions. And they were so stumped, they decided to go to Berlin, where Bowie found the new direction in his music career. And they go to Berlin, and they're in this unique place. It's an old big apartment, I think, or mansion. Anyway, music fans are probably

punching their dashboard listening to this, because I think that those are very important details. But anyway, there's a moment in this documentary and I think Lenoir might've been the producer in the room at the controls at the time. And there was, so they, I guess the edge, like, you know, I put down a bunch of tracks and there were a couple of tracks and they're sitting there listening and you see it happen you see a track get put and and i didn't hear it and all of a sudden bono it was like you know a wild animal like hearing a sound and they were like wait what was that and in this mess were the few notes of the song one wow and you saw it happen it was incredible that cameras are rolling for that moment. Yeah. And it was nothing. It was the song was nothing at the, you know, and that's how it started. But

I imagine that's what you're talking about here too. Yeah. That to me is the thing. When you listen to a Beatles album or your song and you just think how does something this magical and this mathematical i mean music is math yeah how does this originate what's the genesis of those of those first chords and when does it meet the words and how does that mix together and become this thing that you listen to over and over and over again until you can't even distinguish it from like sometimes i think about i wish i could re-listen to let it be the first time right of course you know i wish i could feel the exhilaration of discovering something like that and it's the same thing with like you know i hear new artists sometimes and i'll hear a song that just blows me away and that's the that's the joy

and that by the way spotify the the best thing about Spotify is like, and my son showed me how to do this. They kind of like pull together all your music from the year at the end of the year and they show you what you listen to the most. And then it recommends stuff based on that. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, and I've found like a lot of uh uh what's their name i've listened to oh my god i hadn't whatever let's move on will smith well wait wait i will say one thing about

uh now i have to remember what it was but uh oh sometimes the songs i don't know if you find this like are still ahead of you like my first i remember listening to hello by adele the first time right it was actually yeah we were getting ready to do the carpool karaoke with her and cordon got an early copy and played it for me and i was like that sounds kind of weird you know hello and then you know like uh you know the high notes were amazing and you know the big the big notes i should say but i didn't get it the first time like you know and say what you will about the song we all know what it is now it kind of didn't sound like that way to me whether you like it or not uh at all the first time i listened to it you know and then radiohead was always ahead of me after the bends yeah i was always like, eh, and then I'm fucking loving it. And then the next album, eh, and then it becomes amazing. No, it's true.

I guess some artists like that. I find that with the Coen Brothers movies, sometimes they get better every time I watch them. They're tapping into something that's true and a little less accessible if they're a great artist. And you're just on first listen. You're not there yet. You're not there yet.

You're not there yet. So it's interesting. Speaking of great artists, Will Smith revealed in his new memoir that he turned into a gag-prone, quote, ghetto hyena sexually after his then-girlfriend cheated on him. Are hyenas sexual animals? I never heard that rap on them. All right. Hyenas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Quote. Up until this point in my life, I had only had sex with one woman other than Melanie. But over the next few months, I went full ghetto hyena. hyena. I had sex with so many women that it was so constitutionally disagreeable to the core of my being that I developed a psychosomatic reaction to having an orgasm, he writes. It would literally

make me gag and sometimes even vomit. He then announced the title of his new movie, Men in Yak. Come on. That's where it happened? I read all of that just for that one punchline. I wish I had read this story before you just reading it to me. I would have maybe come up with a better bad pun. I'd like to see footage of that. That's an exciting orgasm for sure. Hey, sorry to puke on top of your head. I just saw King Richard.

Did you see that? Wait, let me just do my one other joke. Oh. I used to throw up after sex in college, but that's because I was banging fours. No, take that out. Okay. Wait, Chris Denman just posted this. okay wait chris denman just posted this this is a tweet from uh langston kerman who's a comedian okay and langston uh and it's from it says i know so many comedians who had to sign ndas

to help will smith write silly dad jokes for instagram and now this N-word is out here talking about throwing up from pussy poisoning. Rich people are wild. I happen to know somebody who signed one of those agreements. I know a comedian that wrote for Will Smith. Oh, really? Yeah, like social media stuff. I hope someone wrote him this story about throwing up on chicks when he ejaculates. What a weird thing to talk about

it so it reminds me of when um uh who was it who said that he got um cancer in his throat from eating out his wife michael douglas michael douglas yeah i think the doctors might have said that not him but uh this is the most humble brag this is the the most humble, humble brag of all time. Yeah. Like he's trying to paint himself as I, the core of me had it right. The core of me would never sleep around so much and sort of objectify women like this. So my core knew what was going on and it would throw up on her, the small of her back. It would throw up right on her tramp stamp, which I told him should be a target.

Yeah, she's like she's on all fours going, don't come on my back. That wasn't come. Yeah. But while my core did it, like I did give it about six thousand chances to fix itself. And it just wouldn't with all the pussy. Right. I kept trying to overcome it, but the cum part kept getting in the way. But, yeah, can you imagine? He's banging her from behind, and she's like,

wow, you're having some orgasm back there. He's like, damn, you came a lot on my back um yeah uh getting back though he's pretty extraordinary in king richard i will say that is he he's really he has this deadness in his eyes which is really uh you know he somehow wasn't full-on will smith which which is hard to say very often when you're watching a will smith performance yeah and um but the king richard thing is about serena and venus williams father i shouldn't limit it to them he has at least nine kids i'd say um and he abandoned his first five i think and maybe maybe abandoned is not the right word but he did have a previous family but boy is it i mean king richard is right this a glowing, glowing story of him. Well, it was produced by his daughters.

Everything he said, you're like, that's a great dad. Yeah. Like everything he did, and it ends with Serena Williams, sorry, Venus, who's older. It ends with her first professional match, which she lost. Or maybe her second, but it was the first tournament. And it ends before he's suspended from tournaments. I think there might have even been restraining orders. Also, a divorce.

It ended before any of that stuff. It was just like, what an amazing guy getting them to this level it would have been like the tiger woods movie if it stopped once he would turn pro before all the cheating came out and all that but even that i think it would have been like you know he really like tiger was not loving having to golf in the rain all those all those days these girls were love loved playing tennis in the literal rain yeah which i don't know why i don't play tennis in the rain because no tennis is played in the rain right right golf is yeah singing people do sing in the rain and everyone should try yeah to do that while they golf.

It's a glorious feeling. The Grammys are under fire because Dave Chappelle, who made anti-trans comments, was nominated. Louis C.K. was nominated. Marilyn Manson, who's up for a sexual assault lawsuit for my god they're back women they're back nominated is the pendulum swinging the other way kevin hart who made homophobic comments is nominated but i just i just i took a quick quick glance back at the grammys over the years and uh there were a couple other exceptions to being a perfect guy um jimmy page won a grammy he also kidnapped a 14 year old girl and raped her uh john lennon admitted that he beat women in his younger years james brown beat his second wife to a pulp on a regular basis uh his ex-wife accused him of raping her uh michael jackson i

won't go into miles davis don't beat his own wives regularly. Bill Wyman dated a 13 year old Mandy Smith. The upside was he eventually when he was 47, he did end up marrying her. Oh, I think the upside is he was 47. Yes. Not the marrying. Tupac was arrested for sexually abusing a 19-year-old. Sid Vicious abused Nancy. Chuck Berry transported a 14-year-old indigenous girl across state lines for sex.

Oh, man. Iggy Pop had sex with, quote, baby groupie Sable Starr when she was 13. Chuck Berry, you know, another way to look at it is if she's indigenous, all those state lines are white men, white men creations. That's true. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't think it was really across state lines, you know, for her. Right, right.

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't many moons away. It was only two moons away. Your word game is on fire today um ike turner and tina obviously elvis presley uh started fucking priscilla when she was 14 we got r kelly we got steven tyler who raped a 14 year old girl and uh finally david bowie who had sex with a 13-year-old girl. Girl? Girl.

Oh. This is quite a list, man. I like to see you've really locked in your algorithm. I'd be very interested to see what ads come your way this week from all your Googling. Yeah, I know. I know. Jesus. Lawyers. Lawyers all your Googling. Yeah, I know. I know. Jesus. Lawyers.

Lawyer. Like, lawyers for pedophiles. Yeah. What did you find in Florida this week, Mike? Florida. Let me tell you something about Florida. Yeah, it's a new section. I found this list of stories that are so hysterical.

And I think three of them, there was a long list, but three of them were Florida was involved. So basically, it was called Cups at the Gate, Tantrums in the Sky, the FAA's shit list. And it's a passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight from San Jose. So this is just one. It's this news story about people smuggling on their own stash of booze because a lot of planes have cut off hard alcohol because people can't handle it. And they especially can't handle it when they're being told to wear a mask. So let's skip to the first Florida one. Delta Airlines passenger traveling from Fort Myers, Florida to Detroit. So there's two hotspots right there. And by hotspots, I mean insane places. They allegedly insisted on removing

the face mask after the cabin crew repeatedly told him that regulations required him to keep his face covered. The man swore at other passengers and accused them of, quote, stealing his property and then yelled at a crew member attempting to calm him down. And he screamed, this is America. This is free speech. What don't you understand? And then the passenger appeared intoxicated and admitted he had been drinking in the airport before the flight. He jumped out of his seat, pointed his fingers in the crew members face, screaming, you. The flight was diverted to Atlanta for security. Oh, he just screamed you. Sorry. They had landed in Atlanta and he was fined twenty four thousand dollars.

So that should be more than twenty four thousand dollars. Well, you know, the thing is, I guess these aren't laws. I think some are, but this getting intoxicated on the flight. So his next one was Dallas to Fort Lauderdale. I think what they should do is when you sit down and you fasten your seatbelt, the only way it gets unfastened is with a key that the flight attendant has. So if you have to go to the bathroom, you raise your hand like you're in third grade, and they come over, they look you in the eye, are you okay? Are you calm? Okay, I'll unlock you to go to the bathroom. Well, that's the thing. They're all acting.

So the next one, I'll paraphrase, but it was from Dallas to Fort Lauderdale. So what happened is they catch these people doing doing it so then this guy snuck into the lavatory and he mixed his own alcohol with a soft drink and he threw the empty liquor bottle in the toilet not a good not a strong move and then when they bust you these people quickly try to chug it it's like something you would do in grammar school yeah and this other one was again it's a michigan florida connection this one from grand rapids michigan to punta gorda florida he ordered bloody mary mix and ice and uh and for he and three others and then he took out a bottle of vodka from his carry-on bag and he made bloody

mary's for his whole row and when the crew member told him to hand over the bottle, the man told her to kiss my ass and get away. And then a loud argument pursued. And when he was told that it violated FAA regulations, so there I don't understand why it's not a law. They handed him the notice that detailed this FAA regulation. He crumpled it up, threw it at her, and he called the crew member a vulgar name and flipped her off. And then he continued drinking out of the giant bottle of vodka. That's a red flag. Can I just get tonic water and lime and a stirrer, please?

Totally. And don't fill it all the way up to the top, please. And can I get a razor blade and a stirrer, please? Totally. And don't fill it all the way up to the top. Yeah. Please. And can I get a razor blade and a straw? Do you have a record? Do you have an old record album? Do you have any clean syringes?

What about ones that have already been used? So now Southwest and American have stopped all in-flight alcohol sales until 2022. Wow. That's a big bite out of their bottom line. I know. Selling those mini bottles for the price of a giant bottle. Right.

I know. So anyway, people can't keep their shit together. Man, it's only going to... This whole thing, just changing topics for a minute. So we don't know what's gonna this new virus is gonna look like but london is now as we are recording this podcast on saturday already having talks about in addition to these southern african nations what other nations are they going to limit travel from like is now belgium in the mix because Belgium has been infected. So a lot of people like America might not, despite everything,

like shut down its borders again, even if it's going to take off all over Europe. And I don't know if they I think people are going to be furious either way. You know, yes, because this is this new mutant. They say mutant variant. It's multiple mutations and that it's hard. It spreads easier and it's harder. It doesn't respond to the anti-vaccines

the way the other ones do. So it's fucking dicey. It's dicey. Once again, if everybody had just gotten vaccinated. Oh, I didn't say it. Don't write to me. All you sensitive, fragile people out there being offended by the criticisms of not being vaxxed.

All right, let's lighten it up and go to North Korea. Oh, they always North Korea always lightens things up. A North Korean man who bought a copy of the South Korean science fiction series Squid Game will be executed by a firing squad, reports Radio Free Asia. Six high school students who brought copies of the series on USB sticks will face punishment ranging from five years hard labor to life in prison. What? A seventh student whose wealthy parents bribed officials with a $3,000 payment will receive no punishment.

Green light. Wait a minute. What happened to the first guy who's going to be executed? Well, it's a firing squad, but they're going to make him open his mouth and they're going to shoot a water pistol into it until he fills up and explodes. All right. Can you explain that joke to me? Because Squid Games was all about fun using childhood games to kill people.

Oh, all right. Maybe not that one, though, but okay. What about this one? They'll play Duck, Duck, Goose with live ammo. There. That's much better. I like that one better. Wow.

I like the... Only $3,000? That's all it takes to be rich in North Korea. That's impressive. I like it. I think if you want to punish these kids,

make them watch Kim Jong-un's movies in a loop. Yeah. Locked in a cell. Have you seen Squid Game? Yeah, I loved it. I'm just glad

we live in a free country where we can watch a fucking weirdo Squid Game. Yeah. Let's do some sports. Let's do it. Mike, you are up $120.

You lost last week. I know. They killed the Giants. The Giants got blown out. This week, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will play Indianapolis. They are giving Indy three points. That's going to be a fucking slam dunk for me. You think so?

Indy's strong, but, I mean, I don't know. It's in Indianapolis. Who knows? But I would double down on that bet. I think Michigan won, by the way, a little update here. Everyone needs this update a day later, right? They killed them, man. Oh, no, it's not over yet.

Sorry. It is now. They just downed the ball for the last time. 42-27, and they were underdogs. Michigan goes up to 11-1. I think we're going to see them in the Rose Bowl, although I don't know what I'm talking about. I honestly have no idea how college sports work.

I don't either. I've never followed college. The only college sports I followed was ice hockey when we were in college. And that's pretty much it. Ice hockey, I think, was fairly straightforward, although maybe I don't know how the Nationals worked. But of course, I knew we were you know, they had rankings. Michigan was always very good. And then the four schools in Boston with the Beanpot. Yep. Harvard, Northeastern, BU, and BC. Yeah. And we won it twice while we were there. Those were so much fun.

Yeah, those were great. And we won them a lot while we were there. Yeah. And soon after. So my pool, you know, that I was in a pool of 240 people. I got in the final four. I won it last year. I'm going to bet you lost.

I got knocked out two weeks ago. I would have won that bet. When it was the final four. It was down to three people. And I said, just for the hell of it, I'm going to pick anyway to see if I can stay alive. I picked Dallas and they lost this week. So I would be at, it's down to two people now. Wow. Yeah. Uh, this story, Chris Denman from, uh, St. Louis, Missouri. Okay. Uh, posted this story in the script. St. Louis wins historic $790 million settlement against Stan Kroenke NFL.

million-dollar settlement against Stan Kroenke NFL. So basically, the authorities have agreed to settle the 2017 lawsuit they filed against the NFL over the Rams' relocation to Los Angeles for $790 million. $790 million. We make that in one game's parking at this new stadium. I think it's like $50 to fucking park there. I wonder what – maybe he can write in, Chris can write in here, what's the crime? I guess that maybe they broke a contract.

Maybe there was a long-term contract that... Bad faith, here's Chris writing writing now bad faith in relocation okay yeah so parking on one game so are they going to lose their security deposit also at the stadium how many uh how many people you get think gets seated at sofi stadium 50 000 70 sofi uh that's interesting. I looked it up today. Michigan's the biggest one in the United States. 80,000 times parking is $50.

Between 107 and 109,000. So they make $4 million in parking per game, so they can pay back this settlement in 20 games. No, 200 games. 200 games will pay back this settlement in 20 games no 200 games all right 200 games will pay back this fine 200 200 games yeah all righty but uh you know what hi livy livia just came in she says hello

hi livy sophie did why she was frozen alright our daughter is shit faced at the library our daughter your sister our Sophie so I heard my daughter left the game early how do you track her

so on snapchat I guess I'm so old I don't know My daughter left the game early. How do you track her? Snapchat. So on Snapchat, I guess. I'm so old. I don't know this stuff. You can track people. You can stalk them. Yeah. So Olivia was able to tell that her sister,

she can tell where Sophie is on campus. All right, bye. So anyway, that's the update. Fascinating stuff. Jesus. All right, let's the update. Fascinating stuff. All right. Let's go to science. If we must.

All right. Let's do it. Let's move it along. I got them on vacation, man. Lobster, octopus, and crabs are now among animals the United Kingdom plans to classify as sentient beings, a step that could lay the groundwork for changes in how these animals are treated and slaughtered. The bill that would formally recognize some animals' capability to experience feelings such as pain. And following these experiments, the scientists would often enjoy a lovely but sad seafood stew.

I just looked up sentient, and do you know what the definition is? Aware of pain? Yeah, that's basically it. Able to perceive or feel things. You know, like you felt your girlfriend in the pool while her parents watched. Oh, I felt her. Well, you know what else?

It hurts, yeah, it causes them pain, but you know what I have found is that butter seems to soothe the lobster's flesh after you boil it. Well, they always say, like, you know, did you burn yourself? Put a little butter on it. Yeah. And being, you know, humans are obviously famous for treating animals well. And so that's what we do when we see that, you know, they're hot red, which is not their normal color. Lobsters are normally a dark color. But when we see that hot red, we're like, we got to put a lot of butter on that. Yeah. And you know what? Sometimes they put it on ice, like in a buffet line. It is. This is, though, if we're going to own our, you know, our part in this,

it is a little cruel when they're so hurting that we put lemon on it like it's literally it's almost like rubbing salt in the wound which we also do we tend to do that more with cattle yeah yeah like we're seeing their seared flesh and we're like oh my god we're sorry. Let me put a ton of salt on it. Before I run my knife back and forth across it. We got lobster sent to us. Tom O'Neill sent us lobsters because I got him on Rogan to promote his book and turned his life around. And so we got these lobsters.

And my kids, here's the worst part. He's learned his life around. And so we got these lobsters. And my kids, here's the worst part. You need a really big lobster pot because the lobsters are frozen. You know, they're not frozen, but they're cold. They're still alive, but they're shipped in a cold package. Yes. And then you drop one lobster into the boiling hot water, and he dies pretty quick.

He moves around, and then he dies. But now you drop the next lobster in, but you've just put a freezing cold lobster in. So now the water is not quite boiling anymore. And the second one is really like, hey, this is like, I don't like this hot tub. And then, yeah, it's my kids freak. They wouldn't eat it. They freaked out. They did not enjoy it.

Well, what's the legendary thing that like you can boil a frog won't realize it's being boiled to death if it's you know if it's in the water as you first turn on the heat oh really there's something like that i don't know what it is but yeah there's something that because it's so gradual they're unaware of it is that a metaphor for capitalism i don't know it might just be one of the famous metaphors that's not true at all. Like, there's more than one way to skin a cat. Sadly, I think that one's true, but it shouldn't be. Let's do a couple quick letters to the editor. Oh.

Toby, I heard you mentioning someone having Nick Swartzen's old phone number. Well, I have West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin's old phone number. I'll west virginia senator joe mansion's old phone number i'll get once two calls and at least 30 or 40 texts a week often i will text something back like switched phones who is this i've kept a log of people who have texted billionaires celebrities retired politicians are among those who've done it most of the time it's text after he's given an interview on television usually my phone blows up on uh sunday morning after meet the press wow yeah i would like some details on this i feel like you're teasing us i know yeah there has to have been some darker ones you know that aren't just simply someone writing in about something in the in the press matt kruger says i didn't know you guys were

doing cat names or i would have emailed sooner my cat's name is cleo catra there was another one that someone wrote in that i liked uh oh puma was it puma something that's good it wasn't puma something it was a it was wordplay yeah i think it was puma anyway oh all right while you're saying that i'm gonna i'm gonna try to look it up i don't know rob dukes wrote in to say that piece of ass you call melody i call his wife a piece of ass says to hell with you as a dismissive statement i think it's she says the hell with you. I think it's to hell with you. We both agree that you and Mike

would know Rob Dukes. It's to hell with you. I'm looking up Pumas in my mail. It's not the hell with you. It's to hell with you, right? I've always, of course, it's what's the option to hell versus the hell with you or to hell with you.

Yeah, that's interesting. I think it's to hell. But the hell the hell I did. There's also that I think it's the hell. Yeah. The hell I did to hell with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Puma Thurman. Puma Thurman. Puma Thurman. Puma Thurman. And then there's, well, now, though, there's slang or more informal languages. It's like, the fuck I didn't, you know? Right.

The hell I didn't. But, yeah, to hell with you, of course. You're banishing the person. All right, let's cheer it up. Let's do some Sunday funnies. All right, let's cheer it up. Let's do some Sunday funnies. All right, here we are. I threw in an old far side just for fun. It's a moose, and he's standing up against a tree.

He's got his back against a tree, and there's a hunter behind a tree on the other side of him, and he thinks to himself, he's trying to shoot me all right. Do I know this guy? I've got to think. And the moose is standing upright, like with wide eyes, behind the tree, like you would if a hunter was shooting at you.

It's so funny. I've got to think. I've got to think. I've got to think. The Lockhorns, Leroy is sitting in a chair. He's got a thermometer in his mouth and a red nose and an ice pack on his head. And Loretta says to her friend, Leroy picked up something at Arthur's bar. Pretty sure it wasn't a tab. I like it. And then there's,

she's got a light on his face. He's holding flowers in his suit and she's leaning on a stool like it's an interrogation. And he goes, see, this is why I never bring you flowers. You always think I did something. And finally, Leroy is looking at some food in the fridge.

Loretta's stirring a pot, and he goes, did these leftovers leave a will? They're jokes. They are jokes, kind of like the far side that you started with. These are funny funnies, which we, the two of us, are not used to. Let's do some Family Circus. Here's another fridge scene. So I have not read this Family Circus. I copied and pasted it without looking at it.

So kind of like the Lockhorns, this has an open fridge, and a little shitty kid is there standing in the doorway. Leroy. And the mom is walking in the kitchen, is holding a basket and she's in the middle of doing laundry. She doesn't look happy. Let me see what this says because I might have to describe more. OK, so the dog is also in the kitchen and he the dog's eating a lot there's like four bowls on the floor and the dog is eating a lot so the kid is saying to the mom isn't barfy that's the dog's

name have we ever heard the dog who the fuck would name their dog barfy jeff keen would who would even name a fake dog barfy like jeff isn't barfie good mommy that was will smith's nickname in college by the way isn't barfie good mommy by the way imagine if will smith had affected him the other way which is every time he barfed he ejaculated i think that would be way more interesting. Yeah. Isn't Barfie good, Mom? He's getting rid of all the leftovers for us. What?

So the kid is feeding the dog all the leftovers. So I guess the premise has to be that the mom was really into the leftovers, and now this shitty kid is feeding the dog all the leftovers. But her face reads the tragedy of raising these shitty kids, the least funny human beings in the world. And then all she had to live for

was some fucking stuffing on a sandwich with some turkey and cranberry and now that's gone. And she's looking at this kid like, no matter how you slice it. Like, let's say I even fooled around on the husband or slept with the mailman. Half this stupid kid's genes are mine. Half of this kid's intelligence I had a part in creating. I did not stimulate his brain enough when he was little

and this is the drivel that comes out of it these are the choices he makes and I lose any way I look at this incredibly dumb kid whether it's nature or nurture it doesn't even matter what your belief is because I'm guilty of both oh Billy

let's get to Blondie this is un-fucking-believable oh blondie is standing they are in a uh a dress shop and he is in the dressing room the changing room is the old days when the husband they have a chair and the husband sits while the wife parades in front of you with the with the dress on have you seen some places they have a chair, and the husband sits while the wife parades in front of you with the dress on. Have you seen some places still have a TV? For the men? Yeah, where the beaten down men who have been dragged there can just walk. Like, why even go? Is a woman unable to drive?

Well, you can't give her a credit card. These second-class citizens, you've got to keep an eye on them so she's standing there with this dress on that is goddamn gorgeous it's a knee-length long sleeve with not not a revealing neckline this is a conservative piece for blondie but it's got a cinched off waist with a nice little belt and she's standing there and she goes does this dress make me look fat and then fucking cock breath goes how much is it and she goes 899 and he immediately goes yes i'm with him do you want to put a price on blondie looking that fucking hot whatever you make it your shit job work harder and give this woman whatever fucking garment she wants to put on that beautiful body.

I know. But he, listen, he'll take her. Well, he doesn't. He doesn't even appreciate her without clothes on. No, she can be laying in bed. Yeah. She wears these silky little jobs that fall off the shoulder and her bosom. No less the wear without the support

of a bra still upright and he sits and he sits there dreaming about sandwiches like a gay fat guy wait a minute christ i don't know i think gay fat guys dream about more than sandwiches but uh mike listen i want you to enjoy the rest of your vacation when do you come back I always dream about more than sandwiches. Mike, listen. I want you to enjoy the rest of your vacation. When do you come back? I come back tomorrow. Tomorrow's Sunday, which is today on this podcast. I'm suspending reality.

So, yeah, I'm back. I'm back Sunday. Okay. I'm back today, man. The mugs were sold out, but we just ordered some more. They will still be here in time for Christmas. It's a three-week

turnaround. So if you want to buy a Sunday Papers mug for a loved one, get involved. Support the show. They're beautiful mugs. Go to the website either FitzDawg.com or SundayPapers.net. Listen, you can't buy a tree this year. You're going to have all this extra, you're going to be swimming in extra cash. That's right. And you got

to kind of spruce up. You got to kind of, you got to get more presents. You got to pile up more presents. They don't have to be limited to under a tree anymore. Oh, you know what? Put the cup in the middle of the living room and put the presents under the cup. What an idea. I have no, absolutely no way of imagining or picturing how that would work, but I love it. Yeah, do it. Yeah. All right. We want to thank Midcoast Media and all

the people that help us out. Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, and Key. Mike, we'll see you this week. Perfect. Go blue. Go blue. Go blue. All right. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. There it is. We'll be right back.