Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 92 12/5/21

Episode Date: December 5, 2021

Tons of people joining the Mile High Club in Vegas, Tucson cops put 9 bullets in a guy in a wheelchair, a British guy "slipped and fell" onto a two-inch-wide artillery shell with his asshole and a woman breastfeeds a cat on a United fight.  

Here we go. All right. Read all about it. Okay. Okay. Read all about it. It's going to be a little hot. The room is very bouncy because it's all hardwood floors because it's a fancy hotel. All right.

And then, let's see. How do headphones work? You put the L in this one, this side of the head? Can you hear me? Yeah. Oh, wow. Too good. Fucking first time.

Forget about it. All right. Are you going to scream from your yurt, whatever that? Read all about it. Read all about it all right are you gonna scream from your yurt whatever that read all about it read all about it hear ye hear ye come to session the newspaper will be read welcome i've never thought the question are you conflating is Is hear ye hear? That's not the newspaper boy. No, it's not. That's the constable. Is it like the town crier?

The town crier is the precursor to, it was before the printing press. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm a little mixed. I'm a little, yeah, sort of. A lot of time it was like a friar. A friar would say, hear ye, hear ye.

And then that became a newspaper boy. How did you come up with friar? A friar would say, here you, here you. And then that became a newspaper boy. How did you come up with friar? Like Monty Python movies. I was thinking of a Monty Python movie. Okay, yeah. That's history. How are you, man? You woke up in L.A.

I'm a little tired. I woke up in L.A. And I could barely get to the airport because my entire family, not me, got their booster shot yesterday. Dennis Gubbins was able to get us in ahead of some African-American people. Oh, that's sweet. And they all woke up completely out of it. My wife has 102 temperature and she is dying. And my son felt marginally better and then i went and got my because so they wouldn't drive me to the airport this morning so then i had to go

wake my daughter and she goes just take an uber i'm like i fucking i put a roof over your head i feed you you have a goddamn car i buy you gifts you can drive me to the fuck i mean i am tired of the fucking free ride that my kids have been getting my my daughter especially very very unappreciative of the full free ride okay she's 18 she's 18 in many communities she would have been married off by now she listens or traded or sold. She listens to the podcast where you've said like, I hope they stay home. I hope they move home.

I was like incredulous. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'd like them to stay home, but I'd also like them to pay rent and pick up a dish. That's all. Okay. What age can I start charging rent? It seems like an overly nurturing house over there. What age can I start charging rent? It seems like an overly nurturing house over there.

What age can I start charging rent? I mean, you know, a nice marker is after senior year, when they move back, you know, in a way. But I guess that's a hard time for them. Maybe the first job? First job makes sense. It's got to be a decent job though so 29 so 37 yeah yeah right i don't like i walk around here and you know half the time i don't have

olivia half the time i'm here alone and uh i don't like me expecting a free ride i get in fights with me all the time this i, I fight this fucking guy. Mike walks around here. No job. Doesn't fucking bathe half the days. Pajama pants till five is expecting dinner to just appear. Yeah. Fucking lazy freeloader.

And then wait. And then one week he's in Wyoming. The next week he's in fucking Northern California. Yeah. He's all over the place what are all these tissues that crumbled up on your bed and what and why does my laptop keep smelling

like coconut oil what the fuck is going on here is the coconut oil make you feel like you're jerking off in an exotic place no I just feel like I'm going to the beach I'm gonna put some little little hints of copper tone in there yeah right yeah it's exotic your dick is gonna get a tan from the glow of your

laptop going through the oil um so uh so i am in phoenix i should tell people i just got a phone call i was sitting with you on the golf course yesterday having lunch after our very fun round of golf. That was a fun day. That was fun. And I got an email from my agent to see if I wanted to come to Phoenix the next day to do Saturday and Sunday night at this club, CB Live. Paul Reiser got sick and had to cancel at the last minute. Sunday night at this club, CB Live. CB Live. Paul Reiser got sick and had to cancel at the last minute. I don't know what he has.

We wish him well. We hope he's doing better. Maybe he's an early adopter of this new little guy going around the planet. Right. I hope not. Well, it's from Africa, so he'll know he has it if fill in the blank mike nope not touching come on you can do it from africa it'll this won't haunt you no all right no this will not haunt me saying pass. I look like shit. We're on YouTube, you guys, but I got a very bad lighting situation.

Well, all right. You should explain. There's a mural, I guess, on the wall behind you, but it looks like you are broadcasting from inside a yurt. Yes. It looks like there are two beds behind you in a dome right it's uh it's two beds which i prefer when i stay in a hotel room a lot of people want the king-size bed i like to feel tight in a bed i like to be enclosed and i also like to use the other bed to put shit on i like

to use it as a giant table so i like the two beds but i don't like that there's no carpeting it's a hardwood floor which they think is fancy but i find to be cold and uh and the recording probably sounds a little echoey because of it no it sounds good do you ever do things like uh probably not because of aaron but sleep on the other side of the bed like i'll sleep on the other side i have a king bed i'm all alone i but sleep on the other side of the bed. Like I'll sleep on the other side. I have a King bed mall alone. I'll sleep on the other side. Sometimes. Have you ever switched hands? Which, which hand you wear your watch on? I don't wear a watch. Okay.

But I switched my wedding ring once in a while. It fits on your other hand. No into my pocket. When I go get a massage. Yeah. I put it like when I play golf, I take it off and I put it in my golf bag. And then when I put it back on, I'll put it on my right hand for a while. You know, move it around. I know. Mine wouldn't fit.

My right fingers were bigger than my left fingers. Do you ever put nail polish on your left hand and jerk off at that? Hold on. Let me get a pen and paper. No, I do not i think louis ck had a joke about how when his hand falls asleep he jerks off with it because oh my god uh so i uh no but like if you put your watch on the hand that never carries it it's very very bizarre. And like, even like, Oh, let me look at my watch. There's something you're, you carry your,

you realize how imbalanced you are basically in things in life. Like, like I don't even carry myself the right way. Or have you ever just decided, Hey, I'm going to switch shoulders on which, which shoulder I wear my backpack on. The thing constantly falls off my left shoulder. Right. And it's because my body, anyway, I think they say it's good to do those things once in a while.

When I talk on the phone, I can only talk on my right ear. I don't know if I have bad hearing on my left ear or my right arm is dominant, but I'm not comfortable talking with the phone in my left hand. Most people talk with their good ear, listen. So that's what's going on with you, yeah. Anyway, listen, so much to talk about. Fascinating stuff, yeah.

So much to get to. I feel like, you know, we could talk about Thanksgiving, but was that this week? Nope. That was last week? But we could talk about it, of course. It was last week but we could talk about it of course um we could talk last week we could talk oh gubbins was very upset that when i was talking about his friend chris uh the bass player for jane's addiction that i played golf with he was uh i didn't mention that i met him

through dennis gubbins so oh yeah so So should we talk about Dennis's birthday party? I had a legitimate excuse why I couldn't go. My ears were completely clogged, which is a whole other story. They're not clogged anymore. That would have been helpful at this party because there was so many annoying people talking to me. I would have wished my ears were clogged.

No, I'm kidding. It was a great party um there was uh there's a woman there that gubbins has a crush on oh who is uh teaches yoga you know which right right out of the gate that's that that makes you an eight no matter what you even look like if you're a yoga instructor you're an eight all right right. What was his name? His name is Sirhan Jeffrey. Wow. That's a fictional person is loaded with details. Okay.

Who else was there? There was, you know, the usual gang. Knutson was there. Aaron showed up. Aaron talked to a lot of people. She's very social. Aaron's very good at a party, I've noticed. Wow.

She can get in there with anybody. She can talk to absolutely anybody. Maybe you have lessened your dominance or your feeling to dominate at parties and you're noticing for the first time how she can hold her own. You know what? That's not a joke. That's absolutely true. I don't dominate at parties anymore.

I lay back. I've become a listener at parties. Yeah. I don't want the pressure. What she said, right. The only time I'm on at a party is if it's like you and Malloy and O'Neal and Mary Fitz. And then I'm just generally like having more fun so I'm louder. But if I'm at a party with a lot of people I don't know, I'm a listener.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, I'm learning a lot about you today. Yeah, Chris here has written in the document, did you raise your fist when you arrived at Gubbins' birthday party? I absolutely 100% did. I came in and I saw Gubbins through the crowd and I pointed at him and then I did the fist pump and he yelled to me and I yelled to him and they were,

yeah, I made it. Yeah. I made my entrance. I make my entrance. That's the exact moment you should have yelled. Had a great time. See you later, man. time see you later man yeah um all right so the song this week was from b bixel that's the i don't know what that name means but b bixel wrote that song it was cool a little kind of sample a little fill of us saying stuff yeah no i like that one a lot to a funky bass um as far as i said uh all right all right all right all right i think that's the tone i used in that uh as far as our three main songwriters getting involved there's uh tony kakeis john cabrera and rob dukes are going to i put them all in touch with each other the idea is that they are going to write

like a super band like the traveling wheelbarrows or like a velvet revolver they are going to create a theme song that may end up being the permanent theme song for the show we'll see how good it is wow all right but they've written back and forth and uh what was that super group part of the guys from yes we're in it and stuff wasn't there a they they it's already a mediocre group if it's guys from yes oh here comes the mail uh no it was like a literal that's what they called it a super group was how they described it uh i forget who was in it in and around the lake mama's come out of the sky and stands there if you want incredible musician musicianship uh during a song that describes chess there's very very few places to go. Yes is one of them. They have a chess song?

You know it. You've sung along to it. Really? You might have even just been singing it. I have so much Beatles on the brain, I can't conjure it up. The Queen. Fools to die.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I think it's that one. I think that is it. Queen. Views to die. I think it's that one. I think that is it. Oh, XYZ is the super band. All right. Chris, if you can, throw some chess lyrics in here from whatever I'm. It's crazy. You've sung along to the song and you don't even realize you're singing along to chess moves. It's crazy.

You've sung along to the song and you don't even realize you're singing along to chess moves. Chris Chaney, by the way, was the bass player from Jane's Addiction. Who you met through Dennis. Yes. You forgot to say that again. Yes. And then the logo this week is from John Cabrera, who is a practically a staff member here killing it killing it with this very funny poster of the queen mother smoking a fatty with you i like this logo yeah real nice it's a holiday themed one corrections oh do you got a paper to crinkle um no but let me tell you i got a i got an amazon

wrapper oh that's that's really nicer yeah i'm gonna do that all right it lasts forever in the beginning of the show this week you called the beatles documentary let it be it's called get back thought you were a huge Beatles fan I love when people say something like that like because because I said the wrong name I'm not a Beatles fan yeah I'm negated completely from liking the Beatles in any way yeah also uh oh it's a siren LA's going going to hell, by the way. We can talk about that later. With the crime. Yeah, but also it's like this super new thing about the Beatles.

I thought you were a lifelong Beatles fan. Yeah. How could you dare mix up the thing that's three weeks old? Well, we're going to talk about that a lot later. Also, please tell Mike to stop referring to Ohio State as Ohio. Michigan beat Ohio State, not Ohio. There is a smaller university called Ohio University. Mike is totally confusing us simpletons in the flyover states.

Mike Mulroy, cousin of your old college girlfriend. Now, I can't remember if I've talked to him about my old college girlfriend. Because I had several. and I don't know. Is he talking about your girlfriend or mine? Oh, I had a girlfriend from Ohio. I mean, that's overstating it a little bit.

I dated for a handful of dates, a girl from Ohio. What was her name? Laura. Was it Laura Mulroy?roy no it was not well let's find out maybe mike you can write into us and tell us whose girlfriend it was and yeah what they think of us now uh laura was from uh what's that community outside of cleveland um akron no that's a city no this is like you know like it's not hidden hills but it's like something like that it's uh i forget what it's called i'll get in a minute anyway also jj said yeah go jj said so i don't

think anyone has a true landline anymore because I talked about how I should get a landline in case the satellite gets knocked out. Or if they do, it's because the big communication companies haven't come through to change the infrastructure yet. The phones run through your internet, so if your internet is down or your power is off, you have no phone. internet so if your internet is down or your power is off you have no phone standard dates coming up i didn't i didn't really listen to that but what is the guy saying he's saying that there's no more landlines like the actual wiring that we used to go into your

phone no longer exists and they that that's why you get your phone service from like you know the same place you get your internet provider from like, you know, the same place you get your Internet provider, because they just run it through the Internet. Yeah. I mean, there was a thought I guess he brought up there. I think I heard that, like, you know, if there's an earthquake, you know, or something like that a true old landline that um there's even an argument that cell phones might have a better chance of working longer even if everything goes to shit i don't know though somebody said get a ham radio yeah that's what i need some trucker jerking off i'm trying to get like you know updates on the president and he's. And he's got a, he's got a lot, what do they call him?

A lot lizard. I'll bring you water if you put, if your wife can do num, num, num, num, num sounds in the phone. Hey, if I can take a shit in your house, I'll give you a bottle of water. How about that? That's a fair trade.

Except you can't flush. He wins. You can't flush his duker uh and you don't want a trucker shit that's a big shit yeah with a lot of paper um stand updates tonight if you're listening to this on sunday the 5th of december come on out to cb live in phoenix if you're there tomorrow CB Live in Phoenix. You're there tomorrow night? Today's Saturday. You're there tomorrow night also? Saturday and Sunday night. Wow.

Yeah, very weird gig. It's a very odd gig. And then, just announced, I will be in Palm Beach, Florida at the Palm Beach Improv on Christmas night and December 26th. Also, my whole family will be in Florida that whole week, and I'm going to go down and do some shows after dinner. It's a West Palm Beach improv, isn't it? I believe so.

There you go. Nice. And then we got New Year's Eve. I will be at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. December 30th and January 1st, I will be at the Bridgeport Stress Factory, Bridgeport, Connecticut. Also, dates coming up in January in Boston and Portland and Lexington.

Go to FitzDawg.com. Get yourself some tickets. Come out and see some live comedy. Let's do an ad read. Should we do an ad read? Um, sure. I mean, look. Everybody has,

there's so many ads now for gifts, you know, for whoever. And you got to go shop at 10 different places. You go through gift guides. Just just keep it simple. Here's an inexpensive, high quality item that everybody uses that you will be thanked for. Yeah. Raycon.

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thing they have pure mode they have balanced mode and bass mode which is all depending on if you're listening to podcast blues hip-hop it says reggae but i don't think any of my listeners listen to reggae so there's no forget about the rise i'm listening to instrumental when i'm trying to write yeah they're in five stylish colors pick one for everybody on your list. Free shipping and returns. That's a nice thing to have. The holidays are coming faster than you think. Now is the time to lock, knock out that gift list and avoid the last minute shipping scramble, especially because right now my listeners will get 15% off site wide with theIDAY at buyraycon.com slash papers. Go to buyraycon.com slash papers and use code HOLIDAY to get 15% off your entire Raycon order. Buyraycon, R-A-C-O-N, R-A-Y-C-O-N.com slash papers. n r a y c o n dot com slash papers also uh if you enjoy sports as a way to enjoy it more as a way to it's it's like taking viagra when you already enjoy sex um you can use uh this great company called my bookie that i've been gambling with uh since they came on as a sponsor

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Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with MyBookie. Wow. I'm in. in goddamn Tampa Bay. Oh, yeah, you got beat. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. Let's get to our first section. It's called No Shit.

Oh, hold on. these are from by the way this package is in my closet here from last talk about supply supply chains from last year matching pajamas for the whole family why are they still you just never wore them they came late last year oh so you're gonna give them out this year yeah you oh you caught on to that yeah that's what i'm doing you're assuming your daughters don't go through your closet which they do i don't give a shit if they saw it that's what they're getting uh because what they'll complain about it no i want this something else they already know about because they're telling me about it. And by the way, I'm done. I drew a line in the sand.

I am done buying hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of sneakers. They get into these Air Jordans. What do you think you guys are, guys? They're into Air Jordans? I didn't know that. I bought one from this site over $200, well over, and didn't fit. And then they go to try to sell it immediately, haven't worn it, sold it for $100 less. Yeah.

That was fun. And who got the $100? What do you mean? The $100 disappeared. Right. Oh, when it came in, no, it was to buy, to replace them. Yeah. And then I'm like, I'm out. I'm not getting you the same type. I mean, good luck here.

I gave you sneakers. This is what you wanted. You ordered them blindly. You put me on a site that has no returns. It doesn't even exist. The store it's just online, whatever. I'm, I'm, I'm livid about it. Okay. What's the, what, where are we? No shit. livid about it. Okay. What's the, what, where are we? No shit. Uh, here's the no shit story of the week. Uh, COVID still here. I wouldn't even call it a comeback. It's not gone. It never went away. And, uh, now comes the new age. Now comes the new strain. Did you hear, uh, the theory on how they think the new strain came up? How the how the whatchamacallit, the variation occurred?

Did Andy Dick go to a rave? Super close. They think the first person was someone in southern Africa with HIV. Not not a great day for that guy. No. Listen, I got we have some bad news. Worse than the HIV I'm living with. Like actually a lot worse. Yeah. The whole world's going to hate you. In your compromised body, somehow there's been this mutation that is really, really good at spreading. Yeah. Yeah. Like twice as fast as, remember the fast one, Delta? This like twice as fast as remember the fast one delta

this is twice as fast yeah and now yeah and now people are upset that it's coming out of africa it's like well maybe we should have sent them i don't know a dozen vaccines a couple um so people have asked why is it called Omicron? So when the World Health Organization began naming the emerging variants, they turned to the Greek alphabet. And they had alpha, beta, gamma. We remember delta. So that's what they went.

Do you think at some point the Greeks are like, how about the Chinese fucking alphabet? Why is our name? Why is our alphabet all over this thing? Right. Why do you guys only use our alphabet for diseases and collections of men who date rape women in houses? Yeah. You can have A house and B house can't you all right right oh my god 60 minutes did a

thing about this kid who had been hazed and he drank they made him drink himself to death oh wow and they covered up the whole thing and uh it's really like i told my son when he went to college i go if you want to join a fraternity that's absolutely fine i will not pay for college and then he went there and he better met a bunch of guys and they were put really pressuring him to join a fraternity and i said hey go for it check stop coming and he didn't do it and he just thanked me the other day because he realized what a bunch of fucking he did he's like i'm so glad that you made me not join a fraternity must be lonely in his apartment you know sticking the olive up his butt trying to

drop it in a coke bottle all by himself he's got he's got chinese letters on the front of his house he has to put the paddle he has to fix it to the wall and then run backwards really fast with his naked ass and ram into it yeah right um so anyway that's the no shit story now we're moving on front page it's the front page front page What do we got? Well, apparently there is a UPF FedEx driver who threw 450 packages into a ravine in Alabama. So I guess their new motto is when it absolutely positively must get thrown in a ditch overnight. In Alabama. First of all, why is Alabama using FedEx?

That doesn't seem like a place that needs anything with a rapid speed. Do you need to get your Bible in your bag of grits overnight? Is it that important? That state hasn't even gotten the message of evolution yet. All of a sudden now they need things instantly? You're right, you're right. What do you need? Your Leonard Skinner t-shirt and your highly flammable cross?

That needs to arrive tomorrow morning? By the way, you saw Curb? I just saw it with the KKK cleaner kkk guy yeah dry cleaner yeah that was great yeah um curb's getting mixed reviews this year but i like it oh my god you see jeff garland is on that show the goldbergs which i believe it or not is in its ninth season wow jeff has been on sitcoms for 20 years 25 years he has been consistently on sitcom that dude's got some fucking cheese yeah he does but it looks like he might be getting fired from his uh from the goldbergs? Because he's annoying, apparently. That's what the newspaper article said. The newspaper said Garland may be fired because he's annoying?

His behavior. They said his behavior on set. And they didn't say anything sexual. But his jokes and that he's always hugging everybody. And I don't know. He sounds like he's just being a fun guy on set. I guarantee he just doesn't understand that you have to behave differently on the set of curb where there's literally no rules and the show is about breaking down you know social protocols

right and a network sitcom that i haven't seen but i can't imagine it's that interesting where it's all political correctness. I mean, Jeff is just a stand-up comic. He's probably just having fun. I've seen a couple of episodes of Goldbergs. It's actually pretty good. Who else is in it? The blonde mom, I don't know her name, the actress.

She's very funny. Wendy McClellan? McClendon Covey? Wouldn't even know it if you told me. She's very funny. Wendy McClellan. McClendon Covey. Wouldn't even know it if you told me. I think somebody can't. Somebody got canceled off that show, too. I think Brian Callen might have been on that show.

Oh, you're absolutely right. He was a gym coach or something. Yeah. Yeah. And he had a spinoff. Callen got a spinoff from it. Then he got canceled. Oh, that fucking stings.

Well, gym coaches, was this in the, this takes place, like, you know, it's a period piece, so to speak. It takes place in the 80s or 90s. Okay. I think gym coaches were all inappropriate back then, no? Yeah, right, right. He's getting into character. Yeah, method acting. That'll be a defense soon.

Here's a story about a Tucson police officer. He's been fired, Mike, after he shot a man in a wheelchair. He shot a man in a wheelchair. By the way, this is a local news story for you. Oh, that's right. Right up the road. I got to call my friend Jojo. He shot a man in a wheelchair at least nine times in the back killing him as officers responded to a report of a theft of a toolbox by a man armed with a knife

remington a tpd officer for the last four years violated multiple aspects of the department's use of force policy when he fired his weapon at richard lee richards richard lee richards yeah dickly dick should be shot for having that name richards who was riding in an electric mobility chair was hit multiple times in the back as he attempted to enter a lowes and home improvement store on the south side ignoring the officer's commands. The incident started at a Walmart around 6 p.m. when Richard stole a toolbox. A Walmart employee reportedly tried to stop Richards

and asked for a receipt. And Richards, brandishing a knife, told the worker, here's your receipt. All right. There is a lot. I mean, I saw this story. You put this in there, but there is a lot to unpack. All right. There, there is a lot. I mean, I saw this story. You put this in there, but there is a lot to unpack.

All right. First of all, there, the, the cop shot me, kept telling him not to keep going. And he was entering a Lowe's. It seems like there's a lot easier ways to stop a guy in a wheelchair.

Like maybe stick your billy club in the spokes of his chair i think that solves the whole problem just how about just handcuff one of the wheels yeah right that's like a boot that's like the denver boot on his chair he's going nowhere yeah i don't know i mean if things get extreme tip him over is that rather than take his life yeah i mean and he doesn't have a gun i mean i this is so crazy and also how big of a like how about just get a fucking sandwich and wait for him to come out of those how big of a flight risk is this guy, like, on the horn. Like, the suspect may flee the scene very slowly unless there's stairs or a curb. Yeah. Then we don't have to worry.

Yeah, and unless we can round up something that goes faster than an electric wheelchair, we may be in real jeopardy here. They could have tased him. By the way, all they have to do is tase the chair and voila you have an electric chair a bicycle cop could have stopped this guy a bicycle cop walking his bike yeah could have stopped this guy right right so i read this so remington the guy he fires eight bullets this is not funny at all but he fires eight bullets into him, pauses for a second, and fires a ninth bullet.

And then the guy, Richards, falls to the ground, and Remington, the cop, runs up and went to say forcefully, by the way, he's dead at this point, forcefully handcuffs him. Where is the wheelchair-bound man going

from the ground? The dead one. Yeah. You're handcuffing him? Yeah. Is he going to do push-ups? Take the knife away. I guess if you handcuff one hand and he tries to flee, he's only going to go in circles.

Pull his chair away. Take the knife. And i think you can take a breather yeah i'm pretty sure i think my god i gotta be wary of any cop who's remington whose last name is a gun that's not a guy you want on the force yeah i i mean i think technically cuffing them is just as effective, just as effective as doing nothing. That's it. Yeah. You don't have to do anything when your wheelchair guy's on the ground. Well, I just hope that when they try this guy, that they can get a jury of the victim's peers, because I want to see 11 wheelchairs in a jury box. How are they going to get them up there? And where are they all going to park their cars? How are they going to get him up there and where are they all going to park their cars how are they going to find enough spots this guy richards was a bad guy this isn't a joke and one of the things like he i think there was maybe some attempted murder in his in his

track record richards is the guy in the wheelchair in the wheelchair so one of the things and this is true he was most recently arrested in August 2019 in Nogales, where U.S. Border Patrol agents found him transporting illegal immigrants into the U.S. I'm like, no. Swear to God, that is everything the word I just read there was in this article. I'm like, wait a minute. How is this being done? Is he just wheeling across the border like nothing to see here?

Just big blanket on my lap. Not a Mexican family under the blanket. Wow. You've picked the wrong coyote. If you got this guy in the wheelchair to get you and your family into the country. Maybe it's just like maybe the guy was pushing his wheelchair and they figure well they're not gonna check him i'm the i'm the passenger here i just love this guy's got a lot of swagger for for a crippled guy you know with the knife oh that's not the word i'm sorry what's the word uh handicapable No I don't know what it is now What's the right word? Physically challenged?

Maybe It changes a lot I do know that Yeah Yeah Otherly abled maybe That was in for a while Otherly abled Otherly abled?

Yeah Hmm But you're right Quite a bit of swagger For a while. Otherly abled. Otherly abled? Yeah. Hmm. But you're right. Quite a bit of swagger. Markham Lamb, a prominent Christian broadcaster known for his outspoken opposition to COVID-19 vaccines, has died. How did he die, Mike? He contracted the virus.

And he was 64. And when he died, I believe, and I'm not positive about this, but I believe when a Christian broadcaster who is outspoken against COVID-19 dies from it, I believe Jesus Christ gets a blowjob for Marilyn Monroe in heaven. Is that? It's just a theory. See, every year on my list is read the Bible. Yeah. And so I got to read it.

I didn't know that. Right. So this guy went down and his friends and family say that the devil did it. his uh friends and family say that the devil did it uh his son jonathan said there's no doubt in my mind that this is a spiritual attack from the enemy as much as my parents have gone on here to inform everyone about everything going on in the can i mean he really they really believe in the devil and that the devil did this to him so it seems like they learned their lesson and now they accept science. Well, yeah,

he said he's in heaven. Now his guy's last name is lamb. I don't think he's in heaven. I think he's a roasted lamb. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Certainly not an innocent lamb.

No way. All right, let's go to the mile high club. This is a fun story all right if you want to join the mile high club without being banned from an airline a charter flight company in vegas will let you have sex 5 000 feet in the air for a price tag of one thousand dollars the company love cloud equipped the interior of a twin-edged Cessna with red satin sheets, sex position pillows, and a foam mattress. Though the Pilot is separated from the couple by a secured curtain door, the company's website says the Pilot wears a noise-canceling headset to give passengers privacy.

Hmm. Yeah. Wait, you've been in a Cessna? Yeah. They're not big. And the pilot's in the same room as you. Right. With noise-canceling headsets.

Wonderful. First of all, I don't know how I feel about that either. On your left, you'll see beautiful downtown Las Vegas. And directly in front of you, with his head craned around, you'll see your pilot. This is your captain wanking. Looks like one of you has already begun your descent. Please put the lady in the upright position. Oh, and he is not a looker.

Definitely place the mask over his face first just a reminder her seat can be used as a flotation device quite a quite an ample one i might add yeah if she's not a looker you're kind of hoping when you get to the airport you're going to get upgraded they're going gonna give you somebody else uh this is the i mean part of the mile high club allure is the getting away with it right you need to pay for it it's ridiculous yeah well it's a thousand dollars i mean that's not a lot. It's another $1,250 for the woman, but the flight is $1,000, and apparently you get warm nuts. There it is.

There it is. I'll be at CB Live in Phoenix. Here's another flying story. A passenger traveling to Atlanta on a delta flight was reportedly breastfeeding her wait for it cat mid-flight in spite of the crew's request the woman allegedly continued to do so ainsley elizabeth a flight attendant from that flight mentioned in the video she posted on tiktok quote this woman had one of those like hairless cats oh god oh it just got worse swaddled up in a blanket so it looked like a baby her shirt was up and she was

trying to get the cat to latch on and she wouldn't put the cat back in the carrier and the cat was screaming for its life when asked to stop the woman defended herself by saying quote although i think passengers are enjoying this because, like I said, I'm not terrible to look at. I mean, maybe the only thing that can make one of those cats easier to look at is if she had this gorgeous boob in the cat's face. But even then, you know what cat she's describing, right? Yeah.

They look like Gollum. Gollum, whatever his name is, that creature from Lord of the Rings. If he's like, if Gollum was in the last Throws of AIDS. Like, not just Gollum. That doesn't do it. Yeah, right, right. And emaciated skin is like wrinkling off the thing. And now this is trying to latch on does is the cat

have teeth still what do you mean to latch on it can't have teeth that would be insane they all do did she uh defang her crazy looking cat i think the cat was probably disappointed the cat was probably like all right i see two where's the other six the fuck's going on here i'm just getting started that's true but this shit if they put this video out it would blow up the internet because there's nothing people like more than cats and tits on the internet and here you finally have them together it would be a huge video i think you're right the only thing you could add to it is like maybe there's a karen on board who's a transvestite who has a meltdown in the background well i think this

woman might have been halfway there yeah yeah she's a karen oh you know maybe her thought was i'll get away with it because i'm gonna swaddle this thing like it's a human baby. And when they see what's in this blanket, it will be hands off. They will feel so sorry for me. Oh, does your baby have that Benjamin butt? Is your baby 190? Does it have one of those diseases? Oh my God. It's like the final scene of,

what was the Steinbeck novel? Grapes of Wrath. Grapes of Wrath, the final scene of, what was the Steinbeck novel? Grapes of Wrath. Grapes of Wrath, the final scene where the woman is, her baby dies of malnutrition. And so she breastfeeds a starving black man with her white tit. Very scandalous at the time. Except this would be the raisins of wrath because that wrinkly motherfucker. Let's do some local news, Mike. I think we can. I still got a plastic bag here.

All right. Downtown L.A. A suspect was arrested after police say he was captured on video carjacking a woman who was getting tested for COVID-19 at a school in downtown L.A. Like, yeah, talk about. All right. So here's her phone call home. Hey, honey. Well, here's the good news. I have COVID. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, I got tested, but I got carjacked. Right, right, right. She's got to call an Uber, and the guy's telling her to put a mask on.

She's like, trust me, I don't need a mask. I need a fucking car. But it is this, I mean, we're not talking about it this week, but we're starting to make national headlines. The brazenness of these follow-home robberies. Did you see the woman in Hancock Park? No. All right.

There's footage of it. Wealthy woman. I assume wealthy. I mean, a nice house with a closing gate on her driveway, and Hancock Park has very big estates. Anyway, she's walking her baby in a stroller. You see, so the video begins with the gates opening. She comes in with her stroller and the gates take a while to close, assuming a car is coming in.

And then these two guys walk up and they're looking around all suspiciously. And then one guy just walks in and the other guy keeps a watch out on the street and he just walks right up to her and takes her bag and robs her at gunpoint. No shit. Yeah, and she can't do anything about it. But there's tons of these follow home.

They're following, first of all, don't wear any conspicuous like watches or jewelry. You'll get robbed either in the street or they'll follow you home. They follow you home from ATMs. They follow you home from jewelry stores. And now the big thing are these flash mob robberies. And, you know, one of the things is everyone's wearing masks and it's not suspicious if you do.

How do you find out who's got the Bitcoin? Because that's the best. that's the best that's the best theft if you if you find somebody who's got the bitcoin you can get their code and just transfer the money out and there's no fucking there's no trace at all it just takes 48 steps i don't even think it's worth it. Yeah. I know. Who else would you follow home? I guess you could go to casinos and if somebody wins money, follow them home. No, that's old trick. That happens a lot.

Yeah. What happens is they wait at the, you know, where you cash out. And then they keep a very close eye on you. I know. But it's happening here as simple as like the wait in the parking lot where you've gone to an atm and uh and then just then just patiently follow you home right uh but there's a lot of crime in L.A. I mean, a ton of crime in L.A. right now.

Yeah, but it's still a great city. Oh, that's OK. Never mind. But people make a big deal out of it. But like, you know, you and I have both lived in New York for, you know, a decade. And it's just like it's crime happens. What's the fucking. So you deal with it.

You just be careful. I've started to feel more vulnerable because i don't think there are repercussions i don't i mean of course i don't want to get into a giant conversation about law enforcement theory and all that stuff but i just think with everyone walking around with masks why wouldn't you come up to me and just ask for my wallet yeah i i don't see anything stopping any guy or war woman I'm passing on the street. Yeah. It just takes a knife. Yeah, you can wear a hoodie, sunglasses.

Yeah. A mask. A fucking hat. Police are overwhelmed. Police don't even respond. It's a great time to be caught and if you get caught you won't do time unless you had a weapon from what i understand we're going to get a lot of mail from people about the blue states and how backwards they have law enforcement all that i'm saying independent of that uh i mean and don't get me started on a political conversation about

the disappearance of the middle class which began under reagan and that now we have don't get me started on a political conversation about the disappearance of the middle class, which began under Reagan, and that now we have. Don't start. We're like Mexico City with rich and poor people. That's what we are. Right. But I am saying aside from all politics and aside from law enforcement, it is a really easy time just to rob people. Yep. And stores.

Would you rob a store like, say, Cartier or Gucci or something like that if you knew you could get away with it? Like it's closed, you can get in the back door, you won't get caught? You're not even asking a question. So your question seems to be, am i a type of guy who steals things yeah because what's the challenge you just told me i'm guaranteed to not get caught guaranteed to get away would you do it i don't what's i don't get it what's the quote no i mean i i know but but i think most people would most people would right i think yeah i wouldn't i think i might and then sell it

no i wouldn't now that i plan once i think it out the actual like having to get rid of the merch and all that i would feel too sleazy yeah i couldn't do it um when i was young i was a stealing motherfucker though i used to break into stores, shoplift. There was this one store that we called Cards and Lift because it was called Cards and Stuff. And we used to just steal from it. And there was another place that was that we had a there was a back window that we'd broken and crawled into. And we stole a bunch of candles. Like, what do we care?

We're teenagers. We stole fucking crates of candles because that's all they had and uh beer just to steal beer do you see online there was footage of uh there's a restaurant and guys are sitting at a table and then got hoodie mask sunglasses and another guy they walk in they walk around it's a it's a very informal I mean it's not that different from like a McDonald's or like a you know Chipotle type seating arrangement and they walk around the table and there's a bow a big table full of people eight like an eight topper right next to them but but in a

different row so but the next row, these guys then walk, and then he walks to the side of the table, and you see him pull out his pistol. He leans in the table, and he pulls out his pistol from the hoodie pouch, you know, the hand pouch, and the guy knows immediately, and obviously he said to him, and the two guys at the table take off their watches and then take out their

wallets the guys take them put them right and then just slowly walk out no one in the restaurant saw it wow damn and then it happens out on the street now uh like on third street and stuff where there's lots of like cafes if they see a nice watch or something these criminals are taking it you know pot shop has got to be a good heist because they're not allowed to take credit cards so it's a completely cash business i wonder if they have safes that they like feed the money into throughout the day so they don't accumulate a lot of cash right they'll usually put up a sign saying such every hour like the cash is taken out or something like that i mean they always have a bunch of security guards out front but it's not

hard to neutralize the security guard if you got six people because you're gonna get a lot of money you can hire six guys yeah oh chris said they have x seals moving money for them so then i hire actual seals. I get current seals. I told my dad, so there was a famous crime story in LA this week. I should know her name, but the Godfather,

is his nickname the Godfather? We talked about this yesterday at lunch, I think, but the famous record producer, and it's a shame I don't have his name up in front of me. James Iovine? What? Jimmy Iovine? His wife was very, and the two of them were a very, very altruistic couple,

and they donated tons of money. She, I don't know if it was a follow-home robbery, but they broke into her house in Beverly Hills. Yeah. Avant or Avant, A-V-A-N-T. And I don't know what happened in the robbery, but the guy shot and killed her. And they also did. They're a very wealthy couple. They had security on the premises and shots were fired at that guy and that guy later was arrested the guy who did it in another robbery in another canyon like six miles away because he accidentally had an assault

rifle he accidentally shot himself in the foot but but um what was my point about this? Anyway, it's very, very disturbing. Um, and why would he have to kill her? That's she's in her eighties. Damn. Like that. That's a, that's a crazy word to me. But, oh, I was telling my dad it, I didn't even get a third of the way through the story. And he's like, oh, it sounds like the security guard was in on it. In other words, shot at the security guard.

He didn't die, but the woman died. Right. Right. And the guy got away. Yeah. guard was in on it in other words shot a security guard he didn't die but the woman died right right and the guy got away yeah why not just choose a house that doesn't have a security guard you know i mean it's not like there's not a million other rich houses in la yeah huh clarence and josephine jackalant or avon what's his nickname chris ch Chris is writing in our Google Doc here so we can see it. He's a very, very famous music producer, produced huge acts. I don't know if he's the A&R guy. And there's a documentary about him.

All right. Well, the documentary is amazing. Speaking of music, let's get to the entertainment section. The Black Godfather. The Black. I didn't want to say it, but Chris loves saying that. The Black Godfather. All right.

There you go. All right. So listen, entertainment. Oh, new section. Okay. Okay. We're not talking about Von Dutchutch i haven't seen it yet we're going to talk about uh the beatles documentary it's called get back and sure is i watched the second part last night i shouldn't

even say i finished it it was at two hours and 15 minutes in, I was emotionally exhausted. It is trying to watch it. And yet Aaron started talking at one point. I was like, like, you are so intensely connected to watching. It's so intimate. It's so vulnerable that I find it. I think they should have made a six or seven part series instead of three because you're not meant to ingest

two hours and 45 minutes of that thing at once. It's dense. There's going to be repeated viewings, but I was really, really blown. I mean, put it this way. Let's just back away from it for a minute. It is such a study on the creative process. The only thing I've seen close to this, and I'm sure there's

plenty of documentaries, especially with tortured writers, but was, did you ever see the South Park documentary? It's called like. Yeah, I did see that. 36 hours or something like that. It's so stressful, but you see their process. Well, this process is unbelievable. And, and that, you know, you always read about how to be creative and how to stick with something, even an elusive idea. And to be playful is one of the huge pieces of advice. Like don't run, then don't turn away from it. Then just, you know what? Don't try as hard, play around with it literally. And that's what they do. They sing it with different accents. They sing it with different tempos, beats, styles.

And when they have this germ of an idea, they just keep playing with it. And it's amazing to see. It's amazing. And you completely understand. Well, first of all, I mean, Yoko, there's Yoko. She's the elephant in the living room. And, uh, she is just so clearly a thorn in, in Paul's side. I don't know the, the, the other musicians don't really talk about it, but I mean, you can just look at it. You go, there's four geniuses sitting in a room making music.

And there's someone reading a newspaper who's just acting weird, and you don't need that there. But that's not what broke up the Beatles. It seems like George was just like he was the one guy creatively who was having the most problems. You know, God, you can talk about it forever, and we will not do that. But that's part one. I mean, really what broke up, I mean, he was on Howard Stern, Paul McCartney recently,

and he said, I mean, no, I'll tell you what. I mean, John broke up the Beatles. Yeah. And that happened. So these guys are in the studio. It is impossible to underscore enough how prolific these fucking guys were. I mean, they it was a six year window that they did all of this going into the studio. This studio session was three weeks for Let It Be.

And in there, they started writing a lot of Abbey Road, which is what they go in the studio for next. But before this was Sgt. Pepper, nevermind Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's Magical Mystery Tour White Album. White Album had just come out when they go in the studio to do this. By the way, White Album, double album. Well, one wasn't that good.

I love the White Album because I think it's like an artist's notebook. Like there's like sketches in there. Some of them are very obviously incomplete. Yeah. But they did a lot of the White Album separately and it sounds like it. Yeah. Well, no, but to watch it, it really does.

And I don't know if maybe it's because Paul's the one that's alive. And I don't know if he like had a hand in editing it, but it certainly comes off as if Paul is doing 90% of the writing. You know, my buddy Chris, and we've talked about this before, he always said that. He's like, no, no, you have to understand how much of this is Paul. And he's read everything. And he goes, I mean, really deep dive.

He read two books written by engineers of the Beatles. And the engineers are I mean, really deep dive. He read two books written by engineers of the Beatles and the engineers are like, it's all Paul. I mean, all, all is an overstatement, but in terms of the drive, the only reason they're in the studio to begin with on that day. And then Paul comes in and there's this amazing scene in this documentary where George and Ringo look like they could not be more hung over. They're sitting there staring at Paul. John's not even in yet. And Paul just wills get back the song. Yeah. Yeah. He just starts strumming. And then all of a sudden, and then it's so much, it's amazing to watch the documentary. And you see Paul, like he clearly in his head, he has the rhythm down. So he knows how many syllables he has to fill.

And he's like, Jojo Martin came from, you know, from Arizona. And, you know, it's like Jojo Martin, Jojo living, Jojo Smith came from Arizona. And it's like, and you're just watching it. You're like, no, you don't need the word there. You're gonna put it before arizona and then he starts to do that and then the i don't know if you're there yet it might have been at the end of two but did you see what all of a sudden it's like all of a sudden it falls out of his head uh jojo left his home in tucson and and all of a sudden he stops and he has to be is tucson in arizona yeah and it was you know it was very intense and i feel like you need to take a few days off it's one of those things like like great shows on hbl the sopranos or breaking bad or whatever

no breaking bad wasn't hbo was it um no was AMC, but it got famous on Netflix. Right. Those kinds of shows, you really need a week off, and then you need to watch the next one. I was really emotional and incredibly inspired the next day, but I was pretty emotional. Of all places, I think I texted you, I went to the DMV. So there's a moment, I don't know if you've gotten there yet.

They're trying to figure out a song. And John Lennon is three feet across from Paul McCartney. And they're trying to get this thing. And they did a, ah, like at the end of the song, they're harmonizing. And they do this. First of all, when those two voices lock, it's like a drug. It's like a moment in Mozart where you're like, I think that's divine. I think that just came through these people and is bigger than them. And when their two voices, and is bigger than them.

And when their two voices, you know, and I know I'm raised on it, but I mean, listen, I was not alive for the Beatles, basically. I wasn't. I literally was not even born when Sgt. Pepper came out. You were, Greg, because you're old as fuck. Hey now. Anyway, but yes, I was alive and aware in the 70s when, you know, the Beatles were basically the soundtrack for English-speaking countries and even beyond.

But so they look at each other and they find this harmony and it it's this thing. And John, his eyes light up and he gives this like loving. Wow. Look to Paul. And it just leveled me yeah and then the next day I'm in my car driving to the DMV like it couldn't have been further away from anything like nice even and I put on the song two of us and I fell apart yeah yeah it's And any, uh, one thing that I then looked, I'm like, anyway, um, this one thought to keep in mind, the jaw dropping thing, I texted this, the jaw dropping thing to remember when you watch this is during all of this, they're in their twenties. George is 25, three weeks after their rooftop concert, which is the culmination of this get back documentary and the culmination of the of the Let It Be sessions.

Three weeks after the rooftop concert, they went back in the studio and made Abbey Road. And during that, George recorded the song Something on his 26th birthday. And then they all went their separate ways. Did it? Who calls Sinatra by the way? And Sinatra calls something the greatest love song ever written. Wow. Yeah.

26th birthday. Yeah. Yeah. Well, mine is still coming. I mean, my creative peak is still coming those guys they rushed and look what happened i thought you meant your 26th birthday still coming i was really

worried about you the other thing that really comes through is how verbal john lennon is how incredibly dexterous he is with with words and uh just does he say dexterous dexterous is that not a word i don't know it's not a word mr lennon would use i don't think but anyway or me or most people i don't think but all right now i'm afraid to talk because of your heavy judgmentalism he was full of joy and you're right he was very fast and witty he was fast and witty and he he conjured he was able to pull names out of thin air he was very he was very smart he was a very fucking smart and extremely confident in who he was you know how some people just know who they are and they know their voice and they know what they mean. And it made him put people at ease. Some people are smart and it makes you ill at ease because you feel

intimidated. But I feel like he was smart and it made people comfortable because he wasn't trying to show it. Right. He was just having fun and being silly. How about that one scene? It's like, you know, they're like the sage, wise old men, right? John and Paul sitting there, right?

The leaders clearly of this, even though I think Ringo's the oldest. Anyway, keep in mind they're 29. And they're talking, Paul the night before had watched all their footage when they went to India. And studied, was it with the Maharishi? And anyway, they studied and it was this deep dive of spiritual searching and, um, and they meditated and everything. And he was watching a lot of the footage and he and John were talking about, you know, in, in watching it, you know, we were all like, Oh, you sit now you could see us like sit down. And now we're being instructed to now you

say it this way. And here's your mantra. And, and he's like, and I now you say it this way and here's your mantra and and he's like and i you know i just wish and looking back at that trip you know like i wish we were more and john finishes his line he's like uh you know more ourselves and paul's like yeah and george is like tuning his guitar like five feet away he's like well that's a joke i mean it's actually the complete opposite the reason you're going there is to you're going there is to find the real you. It's the opposite of being yourself. And he's 25, and he already knows that. Yeah, yeah.

And it's so true. And they say nothing. I mean, I don't know how it was edited, but it looked like they were like, yeah, why don't you shut up? Or is this another one of your songs that we're going to reject? Yeah. Yeah. Well, and then John Lennon started singing a song that ended up on the Imagine album that they didn't even use because they probably didn't think it was good enough. Oh, you, I don't think you've gotten there yet. Keith, listen, Peter Jackson knows what he's doing. There are tons of little nuggets that are in there that are for the really real,

real, real Beatles fans who have their ears perked up and are waiting for notes, sequences of notes. And I'm, they're going to geek you think baseball has geeks, this Beatles culture. They are going to like, geek, you think baseball has geeks? This Beatles culture, they are going to like, I'd like to actually read some of the reviews of this and I guess message boards of Beatles fans. Cause at

one point, did you see they're waiting? They were doing a lot of waiting for the setup of speakers and everything. And then they moved studios. Anyway, at one point, did you, I don't know if you've seen it yet. I've only seen two episodes, so I'm not that far ahead of you. John goes, seen it yet i've only seen two episodes so i'm not that far ahead of you john goes he's fiddling around and he's like imagine that you love me and he's like it's easy and you're like holy shit it's easy no imagine there's no it's easy if you try oh yeah yeah yeah but what he had at that point was imagine you love me oh Oh, right. It's easy. He goes, if you, and he kind of fades on it. Yeah.

Oh, no, there's a lot of that. There's a lot of that. All right, more about the Beatles next week. We don't want to go on too long about it, but you guys should catch up and watch it. It would be hard for a non-Beatles fan i think to make it through all of it but if you approach it from a here's this genius period and and there's nothing the song sound so when paul sits down and all of a sudden let it be like falls out of his mouth but he doesn't have all the

words it just sounds so inevitable. It just sounds like, like, Oh yeah, there it is. Like we've all unconsciously heard that it's in the air, but this guy just spit it out and made real sounds with it that we've all been hearing in our heads. But it's like, you're just watching that process. If you just are like, regardless of your thoughts on the Beatles, like this thing that changed music, you're watching how it came to be. You know, what I saw came to be last week was on General Hospital, the star Stephen Burton confirmed the rumors that he was fired

from the ABC soap opera because he would not get vaccinated. Quote, I wanted you to hear it for me personally before launching into anti-vaccine rhetoric. Unfortunately, General Hospital has let me go because of the vaccine mandate, which, you know, hurts. But this is also about personal freedom to me maybe one of these days if these mandates are lifted i can return and finish my career as jason morgan um that's gonna be kind of tough because these soap opera writers they're hollywood liberals and they are going to write his death as the most torturous slow offensive passing of a soap star in history it's gonna be like you know i love jason i loved him so much and i wanted his baby but when i found out he was a child molester and he ate his own

sister i just i just feel like i don't know him anymore and i i wanted to talk to him about it finally confront him and why is there a belt around his neck? And he's masturbating on the back of a doorknob. What? He just he just the Hitler mustache makes me just see him in a different way now. And I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he can't hear a thing. I say he's laughing so hard over family circus. hear a thing i say he's laughing so hard over family circus but listen this is the wrong time i mean la needs fake doctors we are in a medical crisis that's right la has the most fake doctors on planet earth and we need them we can't be laying one of them off yeah just because his only training was the uh herbert bergdorf acting school we need you yeah somehow he puts an md there i don't know what uh the

herbert bergdorf acting school yeah degrees are it's a little confusing um i want to do florida man uh this is a dark story i'll say that up front uh there's a murder oh here it is a man is accused of beating his father to death during a fight over a television okay according to the arrest report maria mario's let me start again According to the arrest report, Maria Marios, let me start again. According to the arrest report, Mario Trebbio Justiniano called 911 and said he had been involved in a fight with his father where he hit him in the face. Mario stated he did not know whether his father also, his father is also named Mario, was alive or dead. That's what he said on the call. According to the report, Mario, who I'm going to call Alive Mario, said he brought his father to his home where he was going to help him with the television. Alive Mario said he told his father

he wanted to buy a new set, but soon to be dead Mario wanted to give him a new one, starting an argument between the pair. The report says alive Mario told authorities his father cursed at him and then tried to walk past him. But he didn't move, so his father hit him in the face once. Alive Mario then told deputies he punched soon-to-be-dead Mario three to four times and put the older man in a chokehold and threw him to the ground. Authorities say the injuries of now-dead Mario were severe and gruesome and not consistent with being punched three to four times in self-defense. This is over what's...

This story makes no sense. They got in a fight because both of them wanted to give the other one a new TV. Yeah. I mean, I, I wonder if, I wonder if the son will be let out of jail to give the eulogy and he can just go, what can I say about my father? We both really love TV. And the name Mario. And the name Mario. And the name Mario. Like, there's more going on.

And apparently the guy was like pulverized. So this son snapped. I want to be racist about this. I want to know what Mario Tarabio Justiano. Is that Portuguese or is that Italian? You have to put Cuban as a guess in the mix. Cuban? I don't know.

I mean, this is in, was it, it's Miami? Oh, it could be Cuban. Well, it's Orange County, Orange County, Florida. I don't know where that is. That's not Miami, but I don't know where that is that's not miami but i don't know where orange county is isn't the whole state orange county yeah my my father once hit me because he thought i was making a joke about him behind his back with my friend but i was actually just telling my friend that we should play a joke on my father anyway let's do international that's

where wait wait your dad was right then that's worth hitting you over no did he hit did he hit you in front of the friend yeah oh yeah oh no uh let's do international i guess we can try to move on from that story hold on i hope this isn't about a dad. Oh, my God. All right, this isn't me, is it? Yeah, this is you. Oh, okay. Here we go.

It's called Live Ammo. Did I put this in here? No, no. Oh, did I miss one? No, we're at International. The Ecuador story. You missed the Ecuador story. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love this story. Ecuador. Pals yanked dead friend out of his coffin to take him on one last motorcycle ride. You almost don't need the story. That's one that almost lives as a headline. Eric's pals claim to have received permission from his parents for his funeral in Ecuador to remove him from his coffin

to carry out the strange act. Reports say around seven men are shown surrounding a motorcycle as a lifeless body is hoisted up onto the passenger seat. The men are recorded cheering and waving their arms with excitement as the body flops onto the driver's back. That's great. Then the men road trip to Sturgis where the man died again of both COVID and a crash involving an 80-year-old man on a Harley. Who also had a dead guy on the back of his bike.

Yes. Well, the guy definitely didn't need a helmet for this ride. Hey, Eric, you're riding bitch, and I don't want to hear anything about it. All right? You're hugging me from behind if you can. I'll hold onto your hands. This is like you. Don't you have a blow-up doll you keep in your car so you can get in the carpool lane?

No, it's not a blow-up doll. What is it? It's a mannequin. It's the top of a mannequin. It used to be here in this closet, but it's down in the storage thing I'm renting. Where did you get a half a mannequin? When I was filming the show at CBS Studios, I casually asked. I go, listen, I can get one. I just need a mannequin top because I can get in the carpool lane on the way to work

because it's such an ass tear getting there from here on the West side. So, uh, what I don't realize, you know, I'm being really nice and saying, listen, only if it's easy. Cause I see a ton of mannequins down on our set for lighting purposes. Uh, like they put them in chairs and they put all that. And like, so I do see them around anyway. What I forgot was I'm the creator of the show and the EP. So the guy, he's not going to not produce a mannequin when I casually bring it up. So they got me this mannequin and it was the top half, but they got a shirt. Oh, the wig is still here.

Here it is. This is the wig from the mannequin. Wow. They put a wig on it, but i've told you the story so i used it all the time right and um i just love that once your show is canceled i can see them going like uh hey ep we need the mannequin back and you give it to him and it's just the face is covered and come the back just all dried up and flaked and i'm like what do you want me to do you didn't give me the bottom half and uh so it's next to me right and we're driving and i'm in the i'm on the 405

and i'm in the carpool lane and first time i ever saw it cop on a motorcycle had pulled someone out of the lane and is in the breakdown part to the left of the carpool lane. And the cop is there walking towards where I'm coming from. And I'm like, fuck, because this thing is as fake as can be sitting next to me, even though it has, I, I, I took the wig off, but I put a baseball hat on it. And, uh, and at night it's fine. Cause all you see is a perfect silhouette and I would come home in the dark every single night anyway. So what I did was I'm like, Holy shit, Holy shit. So I pick up my coffee from, uh, you know, the center console and I, and I pretend I'm having an argument with the mannequin and I, and I've raised the coffee and I'm moving it a little almost like a magician's trick.

Like, look here, look here. And I'm like gesturing with the coffee, like, you know, kind of like as if I was saying, like, how can you say that? All right, here's the fucked up part. I realized as I drove by the cop who had worked, the cop, I think, looked in and I didn't get pulled over. But I was actually yelling at the mannequin as I drove by the cop who had worked the cop i think looked in and i didn't get pulled over but i was actually yelling at the mannequin as i drove by i was like well how can you say that we fucking take this ride every day and you bring up this bullshit and i'm literally yelling at this fucking mannequin and i'm like you know what i lost it's worse than the ticket it's worse than you did it for like 15 minutes and that's when you realized i may have detached you should have seen the ride home

first of all i get to work i'm like you stay in this fucking car and think about what you said and again you still came in its face that night like you got over it eventually well we had the ride home to work things out. He can't give me a handy because they chopped off his arms. It's just sleeves dangling there. Kind of like this guy in Ecuador. Just these sleeves lifelessly dangling. This happened in Gloucester, England.

Bomb disposal experts were called in to a hospital after a man told doctors there was a World War II anti-tank shell lodged inside of him. Inside of him? Well, the explosive ordnance disposal team arrived at the hospital after hearing that a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum the item had already been removed by doctors by the time the bomb squad arrived the spokesman added and the eod confirmed that the shell was quote not live and therefore not a danger to the public the unnamed patient which pisses me off you get fucking named for that. The unnamed patient told doctors at Gloucester Royal Hospital that he, quote,

slipped and fell on the two-inch wide artillery shell. I mean, is there a follow-up question? Just the word, how? How? Do you walk naked in your grandfather's old World War II? He keeps his uniform and his shells. You walk naked in there? Was it on the ground, just standing upright?

When I was in eighth grade, I slipped and fell on a number two pencil while I was jerking off. I'll just let that be known right now. You mean a packet of number two pencils still in the pencil bag? And I just wish I could erase the memory. This guy. I swear I fell on it. Oh, my God.

But at least he's kind of, he must be a hipster. He went retro. You know, not a new bullet. He got a World War II bullet and stuck it up his ass. Another question from the doctor. Why the second we told you that it was not live ammo, did your erection just fall apart? Nothing else was happening at the time yeah just told you that good news by the way right and why are you disappeared why are you dressed up as a luftwaffe plane is this a whole sketch oh man uh in italy an Italian man, he is Italian,

is facing charges of fraud after turning up for his COVID-19 vaccine wearing a fake arm. He was determined to dodge the jab, so he paid hundreds of euros for a silicone prosthetic. After signing a consent form, he sat down, lifted his sleeve, and the doctor immediately noticed something was wrong, touched the arm, asked him to take his shirt off. The plant foiled the man, who has not been named,

then tried to persuade the health worker to turn a blind eye. I tried to do the exact same thing during my prostate exam. Big fake ass. Yeah. Didn't work no but i'm i wonder if this was the same as like imagine melania trump getting a breast exam and the doctor being like this is not real this is a prosthetic the problem when you brought the fake ass is you were inside it so he couldn't even brought the fake ass is you were inside it. So he couldn't even examine the fake ass. No, most people knew immediately the arm was fake because when the man spoke, the arm didn't move.

Ah, there it is. He's Italian. That's a matter for you. All right. Can you imagine? It is a funny image. Can you imagine Italians not at all using their arm? No gesticulation, no hands flying about as they speak.

You'd be like, something's wrong. Not touching you on the face while they're talking or rubbing their hand in your hair. Yeah. Where if you showed like, you know, old British guys, I started to watch James Bond this week. I have a lot of questions, but like imagine seeing those old James Bond types, like his bosses and all that Q and stuff. And them talking with their arms moving. It's just as far in a concept.

You know what I mean? I was in Italy once and I'm not making this up. A guy was walking down the street and he was holding a briefcase and he had a phone in his hand. And while he was walking, he stopped, put his briefcase down so that he could pinch his fingers together and go like this up and down with his free hand. It's perfect. It says here, wait, Chris Denman wrote a joke. It says Sebastian

would still be a waiter. I guess Sebastian Maniscalco. Yes. Okay. There you go, Chris. If he couldn't move his arms, I guess that's it, right? I guess, but if he couldn't move his arms I guess that's it, right? I guess, but if he couldn't move his arms How would he carry the trays?

No, it's just It's just talking through your arms Alright, we gotta move this along, man Let's do some sports You are down down down to 70 you were up you were up over 200 not too long ago did they score like on the last driver some shit um i don't know but they won 38 31 and the point spread was only three. So Tampa Bay is beating the spread lately. All right.

I have to look more into, I wanted to do these news stories about how, of course, Tom Brady's team is cheating again. You know, his receiver suspended for three games, I guess. But, you know, they had said the whole team was vaccinated. It turns out they're not. I don't have all the facts. So I want to look into this. But boy, is covid back in the NFL.

I guess the Cowboys were missing nine players Thursday night. They still won. Damn. Are you serious? That was the headline I grabbed that I put in here. Wow. I want to check. I want to check these facts. But I want and I want to see, but yeah, it's a threat again, for sure. Well, speaking of scientific things. Oh.

A surge, you want to give me a crinkle? We're going to the science section. Yeah, we need that, otherwise it can't happen. There we go. A surgeon who said it was a human error after amputating the wrong leg of an 82-year-old patient in May was found guilty of gross negligence by an Austrian court and fined the equivalent of $3,000. What? I guess in Austria, the legs are not that big a deal.

You'd think with those mountains, they like climbing. They would really, you know, put more value in legs. Yeah. So a disastrous combination of circumstances led to the patient's right leg being amputated instead of his left, said Freistadt. The Freistadt Clinic told CNN. The man died before the case went to the judge, but not before the other leg was amputated. So they cut off the wrong leg,

realize it, cut off the right leg. Then the guy fucking died. And now the widow is suing for damages. So, um, so I guess they can use the money. Well,

they got that money. Plus they save money on the coffin. They only need a much smaller coffin this way you got a new fake ass you could bring into your prostate exam that's right uh maybe this guy maybe the widow made money on parts he gave the gave an arm to the italian guy uh this is so so i blew out my achilles right so i go in there and it's like last checks i'm in pre-op right and i can't even tell you how many people came by and so one comes by and they're like she has a clipboard she's like it's your left achilles correct and i'm like yeah she's like point to your left achilles and i pointed to it and she's like so that's the one and then she checks it off and all this next nurse comes by so it's your left

Achilles we're doing right correct should not say right left Achilles we're doing correct I'm like correct and she rolls up my pant leg and she's like this one right here and she And I'm like, yes, I can move it. And she wrote, yes, on my ankle. And then she rolled up my pant leg on my right ankle, the good one, and wrote no in Sharpie. Wow. That's great. Yep. Yeah. That's how you do it.

I mean, can you imagine you come out of surgery? Because we've all had buyer's remorse or like gotten home and and the product is damaged when you take it out of the box. And it's so frustrating. You literally get so fucking angry that you drove all the way to the mall. But imagine your wrong leg is gone. Where do you begin? Yeah, they ruined my only good Achilles at that moment. Right.

Now I have two Achilles that are shot. Yeah, right. Well, actually, I have two that are shot, right, and one that's not even fixed. Oh, my God. Yeah, I would have freaked out. out. If you would have to lose your left

arm or your right leg, which would you give up? Oh, I mean my left arm, obviously. Really? Yeah. Why? It doesn't matter which arm. Sure it does. Over a leg? I think so. Have I thought about

that too much? No? I think so. Have I thought about that too much? No, I think so. If you lose your right leg, you can't drive because you can't hit the accelerator. What do you mean? If you lose a leg, it's been proven by that track star, you can still easily kill a woman. As long as she takes too long in the bathroom. Whatever his name is. Yeah.

Stand your toilet. You're not going to do that if you lose an arm. It's a little harder to kill a gal. Yeah. All right. What are we doing? All right. Let's get down to some letters to the editor.

Oh, okay. We jumped way down. I like it. Wait, I just want to do editor. Oh, okay. Oh, we jumped way down. I like it. Wait, I just want to do this one story real quick. In our obituaries. And that's all, folks. All right. Phil Saviano was a survivor of childhood clergy abuse

whose work to help other survivors and uncover predatory behavior in the church was featured in the oscar-winning 2015 film spotlight he just died which is which raises the question is he still a survivor of childhood clergy abuse that's it that's funny that's it let's get to the funnies that's good no that's a good one oh by the way this is very unrelated but i'm gonna bring it up because i thought it was really funny uh he parsed it mark norman norman yeah mark norman uh very funny stand-up he's on my podcast this week he's he i like him a lot i've never met met him. Yeah, I like him a lot. Great. So he posted a clip where he was doing crowd work and someone goes, she's blind. He's like, she's blind. Wow. And it's like and they go you have the dog and um and i think they yelled back

like they do have the dog and he it's kind of like what it's kind of like watching the beatles create at one point he goes um but you can see like can you see the dog and then all of a sudden he's like hey wait he all of a sudden he goes hey wait a minute who picks up seeing eye dog shit it was one of those like that's been in the air when you say there's no more low-hanging fruit yeah that is a fucking low-hanging beautiful piece of fruit yeah that's good that's how have i and he even goes wow wait a minute that is true he's like i've got to write that down. But like, I've never thought about that. Who picks up the scene?

Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. All right. Speaking of funny, let's do some funnies. All right. Here's the. All right.

There it is. Also, anytime you walk your dog, have a kid just have a white cane yeah you never have to pick up your shit again like you know you didn't pick up your dog shit it's like i i didn't feel it shit did it shit um all right haggar the horrible haggar climbs up a mountain to uh the top and there's a woman who's sitting she appears to be a yogi and she is sitting cross-legged with her fingers together and he says who are you and she says i'm the wise woman are you reluctant to take advice from a wise woman and he says i take advice from a woman every day at home.

And then she goes, that makes you a wise man. And then it doesn't say this on the next frame, but he says, you would be wise not to sit alone on a mountain in the 11th century, or you'll get raped. Yes. Meditate on this i am about to violate you uh lockhorns this week uh they're walking out of their attorney i don't know whether

an attorney but they oh they're at the attorney and she says see he said nagging is protected speech Oh, they're at the attorney, and she says, see, he said nagging is protected speech. They're good. They're good. And then there's another one where he's at the garage, and it's one of those windows you can see into the garage, and there's three mechanics, and they're hysterically laughing,

and his car is up on the jacks, and he's on the and he goes i don't know what they found but doesn't look good uh here's the family circus let's let's tap the brakes uh yeah no doubt by the way i thought it was funny i think i uh i don't know if i showed it to you yesterday it's kind of like the funnies this is a meme going around I think I might have showed you yesterday. It's a headstone. And the headstone of this dead thing is it just says, white couples in TV commercials, 1950 to 2021. That's hilarious.

That is really funny. The guy who posted it, it's white people humor. He's down in Florida. Poor Dennis Gubbins. That's his line of work. I know, and I did show it to him. I did show it to him. Boy, Family Circus.

I'm not even going to fake outrage. I'm not going to do anything. This one is one of the low points even for Family Circus. So the little shitty redheaded kids in bed, it's the dark room and he's under the covers. He sat up and the mom and the dog are leaning in cause this little kids. Yeah. You know,

talking to them and the kid goes, mommy, when I rub my feet on this blanket, there are sparks under here. That's it. That's all. Not. It's.

I don't even know where to begin because that would be the premise. And you do something with that, right? Like, in other words. It's like when Paul is fucking around and playing get back but he doesn't have the words yet and he's just sort of like placeholder it's a placeholder or or he's just holding a guitar and he's like do you know this this guitar makes sound yeah do you guys know this guitar makes sound it's even that level because all all right, sometimes I miss things on these and I'm not being, I'm being genuine. Is sparks the funny word?

It's in caps. It's all in caps. I don't know if that is supposed to inform us about where the laugh is. Static electricity. Don't we, what do we call that? Like what? So blankets cause static electricity. Yeah.

Sparks. You call it sparks yeah did he forget that that's the word he was supposed to change to what a dumb kid would say have you ever written a rough draft of an email and then accidentally sent it to somebody yeah and you're like it's like that sparks was a placeholder i'm so sorry i sent that email to you right i should have said like lightning right lightning or fireworks yeah when i rub my feet on this blanket there's but he that's exactly what it is yeah i mean why wouldn't jeff keen write uh mommy when i put this blanket on me it makes me warmer the dog looks embarrassed to be in the strip yeah the dog's

staring expressionless like no no jeff is that his name jeffy you not sparks another word that's like sparks that you can't you can't conjure the word sparks so you're gonna say another word yeah yeah and that it's unbelievable it's unbelievable now here's what's unbelievable and this gets put in a newspaper here's what's unbelievable is fucking jack off mcgillicuddy dagwood is standing in the living room and off screen you hear dagwood will you give me twenty dollars to pay for my new sweater twenty dollars and the dog turns around and looks up and the second frame is she says it's the latest hip length model this sweater is like a second set of skin on blondie's supple pouting breasts it clings to her midsection it is her right breast is so

fucking perfectly formed it's unbelievable and then he's he's gay that's it dagwood's gay he goes i see why they call it hip length it comes down just to my wallet you oh you should the only reason you should be working is to buy things like that sweater for your fucking beautiful wife to wear unless you're up look at her image look at the figure i know the waist is like impossibly small well she takes care of herself she does core work but the breasts are all natural the thing about blondie is she's had him since she was a young girl and this strip has been going on since the 30s well that's quite a boostie then i'll tell you that it's a great boostie but i just i just can't say it enough i mean where are this guy's

priorities it's it's other men and it's sandwiches those are dagwitz priorities as far as i'm concerned i like it i like it all right listen mike i'll be in phoenix until monday i'm coming back i'm gonna get my booster shot hopefully i'll have a better reaction than my fucking weak ass wife wait your family got the booster why didn't you because i am in phoenix telling jokes and doing Sunday papers and I didn't want to be sick. I got mine a week ago. I'm going to get it on Monday or Tuesday. What was your reaction when you got it? Oh, I was like, thank you.

Yeah. Zero reaction. I forgot I got it. Nice. Same. By the way, I got, I went in because my, I told you my ears were, it was crazy, but I went into my general guy and they're like, Hey, while you're here, you want a flu shot? And they're like, we highly recommend it. Like November's the time to get it.

I'm like, yeah, fine, whatever. So I got it. And they're like, you know, listen, there could be later on, you know, blah, blah, blah. Your arm could be, you know, all the possible side effects. This is how unaware I was that I got the flu shot or even the vaccine. I totally forget about it. And anyway, I'm in the shower the next day. I'm showering.

I'm like, what the fuck is that? Like, I have a skin tag. And it was it was the little bandaid that they put on after even feeling the bandaid. I didn't remember. I had gotten a flu shot in that arm. Dude, I got to get the flu shot. I got to get my booster and I got to get the, the, um, what's the other thing?

Shingles. I got to get that shingles vaccine. All right. Well, I'm pro vax. Give me every vax. I'll take it. I'll take all of them. Are you getting the first or second?

The shingles vax is two shots. Oh, is it really? Shit. So I'll tell you this. I got the second. So I went in last year. And I basically would go to the doctor once a year. And so I go in there.

And he's like, all right, you got the first one already. I'm like, I did? I had no idea. And he goes, so you're going to get the second shingles vaccine. There's two of them. And it's the follow-up. And I'm like, fine. So he gives it to me.

Again, I'm so unaware of it. That night in the middle of the night, I have what a lot of people are describing as their side effects from the other vaccines. I'm shivering so furiously. I was freezing. I was under the covers breathing, trying to warm up. And then I like peered my head out. I'm on fire. And there's a sweatshirt on a chair.

I mean, five feet away. And I'm like, too far, too far. And I just go back under the covers. Like there was no way I was going to get up. Yeah, it was bad. to the covers. Like there was no way I was going to get up. And I'm like, what? Even with that, I didn't put it together that it was the shingles vaccine.

So you're just not a very smart guy in general. There's that. But it's also these things don't affect me. So I have no, I don't keep it in mind. I don't look back. I just forget all of it. But Laura, my sister, said she got hit really hard by the shingles

also. So that's the one to keep an eye out for. All right. So I got four shots to get now, and I'll gladly take them all, and I'll do it for the United States of America. The only other option is you go in with a fake ass, fake arm, fake other arm probably at this point.

All right. Well, we want to thank, thank of course the great people over at midcoast media chris denman and beth hoops and key thank you guys so much we want to thank our sponsors don't forget go to buy raycon.com slash papers and use the code holiday to get 15% off your Raycon order. And also you want to go to, uh, my bookie and put in promo code, uh, papers and you'll get yourself,

uh, you'll double your first deposit up to a thousand dollars and that'll do it. I will, uh, we'll talk to you guys next week. And the yes song is called Your Move. It is that song. All right, I'll listen to it now.

Move on back two squares. Send an instant karma to me. Anyway, it's all about the Queen's moves and stuff. Geeks! Nice. I don't want to see a documentary about how they wrote their chess song. No, I think that would get very, well, you know, now that this Beatles thing is so big, there's going to be more serious rock documentaries made where they're going to find old footage

of Zeppelin or the Stones and they're going to start releasing it because that footage has to be out there. Oh, no, there is the Stones. You know, they have that footage of him writing Get Back, like, in the moment. There's footage of them, just three of them facing each other, I believe. I mean, it's Keith and Mick, and maybe Jones was the third one. And they are kind of mumbling Sympathy for the Devil. That's on YouTube.

Oh, I've seen that. I've seen that. Yeah. Yeah. That's out YouTube. Oh, I've seen that. I've seen that. Yeah. Yeah. That's out there for sure. Alrighty, man. Alright, see you later. Let's watch part three by next week. Take it ish! Take it ish!

Here we go. Alright. Alright. Read all about it! Okay. Okay. Read all about it Okay, okay Read all about it Okay, okay Read all about it Okay, okay Read all about it Okay, okay Read all about it. Okay. Okay. Read all about it.

Okay. Okay. Read all about it. Okay. Okay. Read all about it. Okay. Okay.

Here we go. All right. so Thank you. Bye.