Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 93 12/12/21

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

Ghislaine Maxwell is scared for her life, The Saudi Camel beauty contest bans plastic surgery and it turns out life inside the Playboy mansion was a little rapey.   

Oh fuck, she didn't check a bag. Alright, let's do it. Here we go. Read all about it! Read all about it. Read all about it. Florida, full of news this week. We may get in two or three of them. Who knows?

Get your papers. Wait, that was a quick handoff. I have to match that. Where's my coffee? All right, let's do it. Listen, I'm in a good mood. Let's take advantage. I don't know why. Let's take advantage. I don't know why.

Let's take advantage. You don't know why. You're such a shit father. Your daughter is returning from college. You're wearing a Michigan hat. I'm wearing the hat. I don't know why I feel good. Oh, that's true.

I guess, yeah, you know what happens? Well, I told you that story in therapy. They're like, how does that make you feel? I was completely stumped. Remember I said anger? Yeah. And then, you know, the big, you know, breakthrough that anger is not really a feeling. It's mostly a reaction to a feeling. And I was stumped. Yeah. It is nearly impossible for me to articulate why, how I feel and why I feel that way. Sometimes it's easy, obviously.

Yeah, but that's funny because you're a very emotional person. You're a very sensitive, emotional person. But I have that harder shell, kind of like a Cadbury egg. So I have a little bit of a shell. There's gooeyness inside, lots of it. And sometimes the emotional sneak attacks, all of a sudden, you know, the egg's leaking. But, you know, we were raised not to really show much of that, you know. Right, right.

Because you're a pussy. Yeah. That's the new word for the F word. I think I became much more emotional with kids. But now that my kids are older, I'm receding back into not feeling a lot of emotions again. Really? Yeah, I'm not feeling it. Maybe it was those magnets that fucked up your head.

Could be the magnets, could be the mushrooms, could be the therapy, could be the fucking pills. Now, hold on. Not feeling is a very interesting thing because, you know, we're painting it in a negative light. But are you maybe less triggered by things that shouldn't fully trigger you? Like, are you not getting out of your car and running over and punching another guy's car as much? No, that's the upside. That's the upside is that my anger is way under. Not my anger is better.

I still get it. I almost attacked a guy on a golf course with my daughter a couple of weeks ago. I got in the face of these four big dudes because they hit two balls at us and i got in their faces and my daughter was like what the fuck are you doing oh she and i have to talk i've i've been i've been uncomfortable in that position many times with you yeah so um oh wait I think we got it in gallery view. Are we in the right view? I don't know.

Can you change it on the fly? This is fascinating for the listeners who don't watch. I think so, but I can't tell if it's going back and forth. If you guys don't, oh, no, that's right. We got it right. Yeah, enough about emotions. Enough about emotions. No, no, all right. Yeah. Enough about emotions. Enough about emotions. No, no. One story. So

I think like I'm doing well. I'm like, you know, uh, I, you know, like anger's kind of pretty far down, like, uh, inside of me, uh, you know, like say this day I'm feeling that way. So I went to dermatologist, uh, this like last, it was earlier this week and I'm late. Right. So that always like, you know, that's when I'm angry. It's a traffic. It's when I hate to say, but I've kind of caused it because I didn't leave an hour to drive three miles, which is what you have to do here. So anyway, I get to a dermatologist woman in front of me and she looks like she is, uh, has money. She has, she was probably there for some cosmetic procedure and, uh, and it's the middle of the day. And so of course I'm hating her cause I feel she's not,

you know, contributing to society at all. And she's being taken care of. But meanwhile, of course my anger is growing cause I'm there in the middle of the day. And why can I go? Cause I'm not working and I'm contributing fucking nothing to society. So anyway, she's in front of me and this is, I'm starting and I'm late and she's there like, so when do you think you can then, you know, so when do you think you make it? Would it be Wednesday or Thursday? And she's like, ah, Wednesday. And she's like, maybe Thursday. And I'm like, holy shit, move this along. And it's like, okay, did you want to come in the morning again? She's like, mom, it could be morning or afternoon. I'm like, of course it could. And she's like, I'm like, just say anytime.

You have fucking nothing going on in your life, right? And so she's like, why don't we do two? And she's like, okay, so two Thursdays. She's like, oh, did we say Thursday? I'm like, oh my fucking God, right? So she's like, no, no, no, let's make it Wednesday. And you know what? Let's do it in the morning on Wednesday.

I swear to fucking God, this is what happens. They're like, okay. So just to confirm, it's going to be Wednesday, 10 a.m., December 17th, 2022. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? This was for annual check for cancer. Melanoma.

That's fucking great. A year from now. I was like, I think I was like, really? Like, I mean, that's how fights started. She was a dude. That guy would have gotten in my face. Right, right.

And instead it was just seething judgment that was hanging in the room. Yeah. But oh my God. But then I'm, forget that I'm late. Forget all my issues. How does your fucking brain work where you're going to spend that much time about like afternoon or evening?

I mean, who knows what's happening next week? Yeah. You're going to cancel it. You're going to change it. I think L.A. is a city where angry New Yorkers move to make... They all come here to make $5 million and then they're going to leave.

And then they get here and they don't make the 5 million and they just get angry at everybody around them and they never leave. And it ends, and it ends with you walking through a park with a fucking New York times under your arm, walking a German shepherd on your way to an AA meeting. And you bump into somebody who is in the industry that you knew from 20 years ago and you prolong a conversation until they get uncomfortable and then you sit alone on a bench. You can see it a mile away. If I'm walking down the street and a guy's dressed like, or a woman even, and mostly black and they kind of have a bit of a swagger, I walk by, literally the first thing I want to say is this place, right?

of a swagger. Literally, the first thing I want to say is, this place, right? Like, I know you're not from here. And I also know it drives you crazy. Dude, Eddie Pepitone has been killing me lately. Do you know Eddie Pepitone? Of course, no. I had him on the Norm MacDonald pilot we did. He was so funny. He's from Staten Island, and he's been out here for way too long. And nobody hates L.A. as much as Eddie Pepitone. And he does this bit about walking through CVS late at night looking for lotion. And it's just so hateful.

And it just sums up he did everything he says just sums up L.A. And I have to find that. I love him. He's literally like, you know, what's the limo driver's name on Stern? Ronnie. I only picture Pepitone when I hear Ronnie talk. Like, in other words, I'm like, this is the embodiment. And he has a unbelievable New York accent.

Yeah. And looks it. He looks like, remember the jerky Boys would have animation or pictures? He looks like one of them also, like what they threw up. He's fat and he wears stained T-shirts. His hair hasn't been cut in years. His teeth have some ideas of their own.

Yeah. And it's always hard because for whatever reason, they always put him after me when I'm at the comedy store. And he's one of those comics that I respect so much that like I don't want to do material that that I've done too many times or anything hacky. And so I'm always on my game because he sits in the back of the room and he watches all my sets. And and so I've gotten to the point where I now ask him before I go on to give me a topic that I can riff on. And then I do that. That's fantastic.

Yeah. Yeah. He gave me nuclear war last night. Oh, wow. Yeah. The night before was easy. The night before he gave me exercise and I did almost my whole set on exercise. The night before was easy. The night before he gave me exercise, and I did almost my whole set on exercise. But nuclear war, I kept asking Asian people if they were Japanese, and then the bit kind of petered out. Oh, gee. It petered out from that starting point?

He once was leaving. We were, like, there late working on that Norm sports show pilot. And he was in a vicious screaming thing on his phone. And it sounded like with his wife. Is he married? Yeah. It sounded like with his wife. And it was an argument. But I still to this day don't know if it was.

Because then he, I think, was aware. Like he walked down the hallway and he saw people were still there. And I think put together. And so he it elevated even more, but got very funny. I don't know if he was doing like a one sided bit, which writers do. Writers and writers rooms sometimes will do like the the Bob Newhart, but ramped up a bit, you know, with the one sided phone call. That's no one's on the other side. Or if he was on with her and he was covering. Either way, it turned out to be hysterical. Wow.

Yeah. The other one who's like Eddie Pepitone is my mother-in-law, who's staying with us right now. She's so New York. Well, she grew up in the Bronx, went to the same high school as my mother, and then has lived on the Upper West Side for the last 40 years. And everything is hysteric. Hysterical. She sits there watching MSNBC and just going, I mean, how is Trump going to come back?

It's ridiculous. Everything is ridiculous. But God bless her. She still has the energy to be exasperated. I know. A lot of New Yorkers are New Yorkers because they're like figures. Like, of course. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. Like, knew this was coming. No, she seethes. She seethes with raw anger. I love that about her. That's really funny. I want to mention up top Christmas gifts. Jeff Nichols, who you know well, he's my awesome stepbrother. He's a lunatic. Not really. He's a fun lunatic. But he is, I can almost safely say, easily say one of the best striped bass fishermen or any type of fish

off of Montauk. And he has ADD and other learning disabilities. And you know, you have hysterical, you took him on the road. And so anyway, he's a mess. He, but he is so aware of it, self-aware. He named his charter company, Second Choice Charters, which is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. But he has a book now out on Amazon and it is inexpensive. And I thought I had it here. Hold on. And it's called And Then They All Puked. Why I should never have been a Montauk Groupon Charter Boat Captain. That's great.

The title says it all, and he has tons of hysterical stories. It's $14.99 on Amazon. Jeff Nichols, N-I-C-H-O-L-S. He has other books. He writes them himself. He self-publishes them. One of the joys is a lot of the typos remain in the book. If I read you his text messages, by the way, even the text message asking me if I could mention it.

He talks about talk about how I sunk a boat, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, you should have to mention that, by the way, every time you bring him up, you should just say, by the way, this is my stepbrother. He, uh, after my father married his mother, he sank my father's boat and then burned his house to the ground. Just, just throw that out and then move on. Push book on Fitzy show. F I T T S Y. It hit nine on Amazon. Z-O-N, sports fishing. So apparently there's a sports fishing category.

It hit number nine. Guys, I'm going to order one. I think Greg should. Let's send this. I think three orders could send this to number one. That would be amazing. If we could send it to number one in the sports fishing category. That's the challenge.

I need two listeners to buy this book for a fellow fisherman and they're gonna buy his other books he got in a lot of trouble outing people in the black market of fishing which is what he was guilty of then he fucking turned on them he'd catch these i'm talking 45 to 55 pound striped bass then he'd bring them to the back door of really high-end restaurants and the chef would buy the striped bass. That is totally illegal. It all has to be regulated, not only for health reasons, but also to keep a track on limits and how much fish are being brought out and all that shit. But anyway, he's amazing. So, yeah, let's do that.

All right. We also want to. Oh, by the way, we have this text chain that's all Irish people it's called Irish Mafia and it's got a couple guys on it that are not Irish, and we lost one of them this week why? because of the videos that are getting posted

on the text chain Mike Gibbons literally posted a fucking cat video and we lost a fucking Lebanese guy. That cat video is six seconds long, seven,

and I've watched it. It literally is like a shot. It's like an antidepressant. I laugh every time I watch it. Ruby unsubscribed and I almost unsubscribed as well. Okay. The cat's wearing a tie, right? I'm not in yet.

I'm not in. I'm not saying that. I don't like cute cat videos. But the owner is this woman with a kind of sexy voice, and she goes, you look so handsome in your tie. Do you like it? And the cat's one paw comes up and slowly caresses the tie. You're an idiot.

You're a fucking idiot. And the cat's just staring, staring straight ahead as it slowly like, yes, I do love my tie. Are you going to get a Hello Kitty backpack now? Wrong. You're missing the whole point. And some sparkles on your long key chain? As the creator of Tosh.0, we hated cat videos, which always outperformed us. I don't like cute cats.

I don't even like cats. But this video is special. Okay. You know what else was special was Trevor Min uh minnick who did our song this week but stick around at the end of the show on youtube he made a video that goes with the song that's fucking insane drop some acid and watch this video and enjoy it he did a great job yep um so uh trevor geez what else uh The logo is from John Cabrera. It's very complex.

And if you enlarge it, you can read the movie trailer for Single All the Way. Corrections? These guys, by the way, everyone's sending stuff in. I mean, we can't really be grateful enough. It's pretty incredible. Thank you so much. It's it's so cool and creative. And, you know, thank you. I don't know any other podcast that's been around for two years and has had a different theme song and logo for every single episode, which were and are not shitty, that are all high quality. that are all high quality.

You know, we never read because it would be too self-congratulatory, but you sent me that email of a guy who wrote in and goes, hey, listen, I make music like for a living, not on weekends, for a living. And he was like, I'm just writing to tell you how impressed I am with exactly what you just said and the quality of these songs. I mean, this week's is a little rough, but that's the point. Trevor was making something that was a little bit

GarageBand sounding. No, I want to encourage the non-professionals too. Yes, there is no barrier to entry. As long as it's heartfelt and organic sounding, it goes on. That's it. Go on GarageBand and make some noise

somehow and just uh riff uh corrections a couple corrections from a huge yes fan number one the chess song is quote your move is the your move section from quote i've seen all good people not roundabout which you also referenced oh i didn't know you're naming sections of I've Seen All Good People. There's names of sections of a Yes song? You know, I wish at that time... What is this, Mozart? Is that the first movement?

I wish at that time there was another great band called No, and their fans would hate each other. You're going to put yes up against no Go to fucking hell Well Boston and Chicago came out at the same time Right and they I don't know if they were rivals

Wasn't there what other city bands Were there Oh I think every city has a band named after them But weren't there any other big ones Boston Chicago Berlin there was a band Berlin Yeah Was there a Brooklyn Boston, Chicago, Berlin. There was a band Berlin. Yeah.

Was there a Brooklyn? Not that I know. Oh, there was Queens. But it was Queen. Queen. Yeah. America, obviously, was a band. I bet they're going to hit us hard. There are probably tons.

Yeah. All right. Any of the Californ Yeah. All right. Any of the California. All right. We'll come back. He also said the super group you're thinking. Miami was Miami. Miami Sound Machine.

Yeah. Right. OK. The super group you're thinking of is Asia. XYZ was Jimmy Page, Chris Squire and Alan White. And they only recorded four songs. If you enjoy a dead live show in 2021 and rip on 70s, yes, then those shrooms must either be really good or not good enough.

Cheers, Jeff from Fort Lauderdale. Chris Damon just wrote in the New York Dolls. Yes, it absolutely was Asia. I remember Pete Scott, who I went to boarding school, and I remember he had that Asia album in his room and, uh, and he'd crank it. They had, they had, I think like two, two or three good songs on there, but one kind of got a lot of radio play. Yeah. Uh, Marky Fry writes in that the town criers were not friars. Okay. Well, those were town friars, Greg. Yes. And Derek Fletcher says, Sparks is the dog's name.

It is a play on static electricity and the dog being under the blanket. That is a reference to the family circus cartoon from last week where the kid said he saw Sparks. And we're supposed to know that that's the dog's name? I guess he's trying to reward the hardcore family circus viewers. Did we? All right. I mean, of course I'm not. I don't give a shit, really. But was there an outline of a dog under the blanket? Not that I remember. No. All right. Anyway, who cares? I guess follow that under. Thank you, though, for writing in.

I mean, you have as much time as the woman in front of me who spends five minutes scheduling a dermatology appointment a year from now. But good for you. Appreciate the letter. Here's who doesn't have a lot of time. Me, because I just got a bunch of last-minute dates. So mark your calendars if you're in San Jose, California, I will be there next weekend, December 17th and 18th at the Improv.

Then I'll be at the Palm Beach Improv on December 25th and 26th. Bridgeport Stress Factory, December 30th and January 1st. New Brunswick, New Jersey Stress Factory, New Year's Eve. Also dates coming up in Boston, Portland, and Lexington. Go to

FitzDawg.com for tickets. What is this? Your Omicron tour? Your new strain of the virus tour? I can't wait to get it. Apparently it's mild and it feels good. It's like a light massage from Giselle Maxwell.

I like that a lot. Now the mug, we ran out of the big mugs, which was a good thing because the shipping was high. So we very purposefully ordered more mugs, but they're smaller, so the shipping is much less. So for the people that went to buy the mug and felt the shipping was too high, now is your time to swoop in. There's a limited amount of mugs. They are now maroon and they are

in a smaller cup. Maroon? That's, yeah. All right. You criticized me for criticizing the mugs before, so I'll just bite my tongue, hold my tongue by my lip. One of those. Go to FitzDawg.com or SundayPapers.net to get the mugs. Don't fear big mug people. They're collector's items now. I know. And we didn't even get any. We got none. We don't have big mugs.

With the better color. I'm so pissed we don't have any mugs. All right, look, growing up, I used to love cereal that was, my parents were indulgent, and I ate sweet, sugary cereal, and I miss it, and I won't eat it because it makes me crash, and it gives me a belly, but not anymore, people. It was a morning treat. Yes. Magic Spoon cereal has solved that because their cereal not only tastes good,

it's amazing for you. And it's a throwback. It's playful boxes. They know what they're doing. They know what they're referencing. And all the memories come. And you don't even need them. You just have to be a kid to have these memories of fun cereal.

Meanwhile, it's got zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and only four net grams of carbs in each serving. 140 calories a serving. It's keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, low-carb. Build your own box. Available flavors to build your very own custom bundle are cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberry, cinnamon, cookies and cream, and maple waffle. Now, hear me.

Magic Spoon has brought back cookies and cream and maple waffle permanently. Apparently, they first brought them for a limited time. It sold out so fast, so they're back with those. They sent me a couple. They're amazing. Maple waffle is good for the holidays. It works. It's very, it tastes like winter.

And it's a guiltless midnight snack. I come home from my shows and I'm hungry. It's midnight. I sneak into the kitchen. I have a little fucking waffles. I did the same thing, especially when the girls aren't here. And I haven't really kept up on my food shopping. I'm like, oh my God, what about that famous move of mine, cereal at night?

Go to magicspoons.com slash papers to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code PAPERS at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash papers and use the promo code PAPERS to save $5 off.

Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring the podcast. Also sponsoring the podcast are our good, good friends at Noom Mood. I mean, right now, I think we're coming out of a pandemic. A lot of people, the stress has heightened issues that you're having, mental health issues. Did you see the headline this week? It's a record number when they do this poll every year, I guess, of Americans that are saying that they're exhausted. So I was going to put that in the no shit column like of our thing, but it was really interesting. It wasn't because of the typical overwork spiral that we all, you know, America has gotten in. It's being at home has exhausted people. Yeah. It's this thing where there's, there's the, just by going to work and coming home, that's two built in breaks. That's two built in things that like you've changed up, you know,

the rhythm of the day and you've by definition been outside. And it's this new thing where there's a greater need, uh, more than ever, like for an outlet or to to get coping mechanisms because people are falling, you know, into like listless listlessness with this stay at home situation. something that you need to tackle. And New Mood is a really great guide to help you do that. So let's see. I love New Mood because they have helped me handle stressful situations more effectively. I have had a hard time sleeping. I've used New Mood to help me with my sleeping, and it's helped immensely. Maybe it's why you're less angry too, right? It could be. Maybe it's the New're less angry too, right? It could be. Maybe it's the new moon. We were talking about that earlier.

They give you a variety of tools and techniques to try out and discover. A daily curriculum coupled with a one-on-one coach that guides and encourages you on your journey. It's accessible and convenient. Only 10 minutes a day. And you can do it whenever, wherever. This is all backed by science.

It's the real deal. This is all backed by science. It's the real deal. You're stronger than your stress, so get control of it. You've got to find a custom-made way of dealing with your mental health, and that's what this is all about. They've helped millions of people through their weight loss program, and now they're helping you out with stress. It's what I always wanted in therapy, too, too which was like don't wait forever to watch me like i need tools and techniques you know what i

mean i need i need some structure and and i need that kind of coaching in a way yeah the coaching is the key so worry less and feel happier sign up for your trial at Noom.com slash papers. That's N-O-O-M dot com slash papers. Do it now. Noom.com slash papers. Okay, finally, let's do some gambling, people. Once you're feeling better, you've got to put that money on the line. You will make better bets with Noom Moon.

You got to put that money on the line. You will make better bets with New Moon. My bookie has got this deal going that I can't stress enough. It's like getting a free $1,000. They will double your first deposit all the way up to $1,000 when you use our promo code PAPERS. You're playing with the casino's money, as they say. Yeah. They accept everything from credit card to well-known cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Litecoin,

Ethereum, so you can bet and withdraw with crypto if you want. This Saturday, here's what we're talking about this Saturday. The UFC is closing out 2021 with a bang. Two world title fights going on at UFC 269, headlined by the lightweight championship fight

between Charles Oliveira and Dustin Poirier. This fight amounts to a coin flip. Both men have finish rates of over 75%, so it's going to be a great bet. Don't miss. Oliveira. Double your first deposit, up to $1,000 using promo code PAPERS.

Head to MyBookie today, place your bets, and watch the sparks fly with ufc 269 bet anything anytime anywhere with my bookie chris who should we bet on chris follows this stuff can you type it in uh right there all right here it comes you're ready for a hot tip here it comes. Poirier. Poirier. All right. I disagree. Oh, jeez. I watched my son. I just had a lock on my hands.

Now what are you doing? My son showed me videos of Olivier Oliveria, however you say it. Oliveria? This guy is Brazilian. He is a striker, and he is also a grappler. Not only is this guy, he comes at you with legs and fists, and then when he gets you on the ground, he's got the most submissions in UFC history.

And he does it so elegantly. I mean, this guy is fucking unbelievable. All right, it sounds like I'm betting with the $3,000. I'm not going to bet my money on Poirier then. All right, all right. All right, let's get to the front page, Mike. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Do you have a paper? Yeah. Hold on. I have a legal pad. I got a paper right here. Okay. Okay, so Alright, number one story

And it's a serious one, not a funny one The tornadoes I woke up to this news today Dude, dude, did you watch the clip I sent you? I did not It's from Twitter This guy goes, look at this So it's totally dark. It's at night.

Lightning strikes. It's like a horror movie where the lightning reveals the monster or the villain who's right there. This lightning goes off and you see a tornado like I've never seen A tornado like I've never seen in the distance. Really? It's a monster. So these tornadoes have ripped through Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois, causing mass destruction. We were wondering because our Midcoast Media, our producers, and Chris are in St. Louis, and St. Louis got hit. But they're OK. Chris said he was able to get power because Dennis Gubbins helped him cut the line.

There we go. Yeah. So a podcast producer will get their power before all the socioeconomically challenged people in St. Louis. And there's a lot of them. So good deal cutting that line. Socioeconomic people matter. And I'll try a joke. Keep in mind, I am not making light out of all this. And you got to realize who the victim is in my joke, okay? Yeah.

So anyway, an Amazon warehouse collapsed near St. Louis as the tornadoes tore through the city. Rescuers frantically searched for workers. This is the real story. Who may be trapped in the facility. It's in Edwardsville, Illinois. Oh, I thought it was in St. Louis. I guess it's right, it's near St. Louis. Right over the border.

Yeah. He said about 50 workers were believed to be at the warehouse when it was hit by the extreme, quote, weather-related event. When the workers were rescued, when they thanked all the police and firemen profusely and asked why they hadn't been there months ago, and they're like, what are you talking about? We're here because of a tornado.

They're like, what tornado? I don't get it. It was the working conditions, Greg, that were so heinous they had to be rescued. Oh, got it, got it. Got it. Women giving birth on the floor and not being given breaks. Yeah.

People peeing and shitting in cups and barrels. Right. Because they're not given, oh, forget it. So basically, so it's like the Wizard of Oz, except Jeff Bezos is the wizard. Yes. And Chris, great joke. It's the most healthcare attention these Amazon workers have received in years. So, yeah.

So they need a hurricane. They need a tornado to get a little attention. Got it. Yeah. Good. Yeah, exactly. Amazon's like, phew, glad they came in and took care of our workers. That hasn't been done in a while.

Yeah. All right. Next story. Ghislaine Maxwell. Ghislaine Maxwell, pronounced G-I-Z-L-A-I-N-E Maxwell, reportedly thinks Epstein was murdered. Now, this is your story, isn't it? Yeah. Well, you like saying Ghislaine because that's kind of like that patch that runs up to your belly button.

you like saying Ghislaine because that's kind of like that patch that runs up to your belly button. Jay Maxwell believes her ex-lover Jeffrey Epstein was murdered behind bars and she lives in fear of facing the same unfortunate end, according to a new report. Everyone's view, including Ghislaine's, is Epstein was murdered. She received death threats before she was arrested. An unnamed friend told the Sun. So translation, Jeffrey is the real victim here. And so am I. Yeah, right, right. And the poor baby got death threats.

What did you expect? Also, by the way, death threats in America rarely come true. I don't want to like belittle the other ones where they do come true. I don't want to, like, belittle the other ones where they do come true. But, like, Sarah Silverman, I bet, has gotten 100 times the death threats that Ghislaine has. So why don't you shut up, Ghislaine? I feel like I have not, as somebody in the public eye, and when I say in the eye, more in the corner of the eye, I have never gotten a death threat.

more in the corner of the eye. I have never gotten a death threat. I have never provoked people enough to have them start a jihad against, or not a jihad, a fatwa against me. I think you're looking at credible death threats. I bet people have been like, I'm going to kill you. Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

I got to try harder. I got to piss some more people off all right uh maybe and then south park south park fans didn't uh threaten to kill you when they thought you stole their joke oh right right right that's true yeah and by the way the only credible death threats but they would not that's the thing they wouldn't they wouldn't warn her is if she's she's gonna name like the Clintons and other big players in this Epstein thing like like if Epstein was murdered trust me there was no death threat on the people from the people that killed him yeah they're just're just going to kill her. Right, right. It's like in The Godfather where he said, if I was going to kill you, you'd already be dead.

You see Chris's joke? He just typed it. You'll never see it coming, Vince Foster. Said Vince Foster. All right. Let's move down to a U.S. Coast Guard diver. Brave death Wednesday to enter a submerged vehicle stuck in rushing rapids just yards from the brink of Niagara Falls. The diver was lowered from a hovering helicopter. Jesus. Climbed into the car. And you have to see the video. It was like ice and snow surrounding the

water. Pulled the body out of its lone occupant, a woman in her 60s. I think she was dead. She was dead. They did this rescue to get a dead body? I think she was dead. But it made me think about how brave and amazing these rescue workers are, that they would go into those conditions. I remember once we were at the Oakwood Pool. You know the Oakwood Pool that we used to sneak into and uh jojo was in the pool and the sun was going down so it got cold and i was trying to get her out of the pool and it looked like she might be drowning she had on her little like flying fucking her you know blow up wing wings on her arms yeah yeah and i didn't want

to jump in because i didn't want to get cold and so i threw a tie held onto a towel and i threw it out there so she could pull herself in so i wouldn't be to get cold. And so I threw a towel, I held onto a towel and I threw it out so she could pull herself in so I wouldn't be wet for the ride home. And this motherfucker is dangling from a helicopter into icy waters to pull a corpse out of his Chevy. Unbelievable.

And the woman was in her 60s. So my review of the story is I roll women drivers. Oh boy. Uh-huh. And my joke would be stick to massively misjudged parallel parking, ladies. All right. So when I wrote that joke, now, by the way, here come my death threats.

But when I wrote that joke, I'm like, all right, that's the oldest cliche that women can't parallel park. Here's the thing when I gave it a little more thought. This is how you know it's true. Not only is it a cliche, and most cliches are true, but every single woman I've heard defend herself against that cliche has said, I'm actually a great parallel parker, or I'll have you know, I can totally parallel park.

And their choice of words betrays their view that they are an exception. Right. Like if there was no truth to the cliche that like women are like, if you said women are bad at parenting or women are bad at writing, they wouldn't say, actually, I'm really good at parenting. They would be like, get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about?

Yeah. They would reject the whole premise. Yeah. They wouldn't be like, hey, say what you will, but I can parent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. So meditate on that. I did a late show Friday in San Francisco that didn't go so well, and a woman when I was selling my pins afterwards goes,

I thought you were funny. That's all she said. No context. I thought you were funny. I go, can you change? Can you accent a different word in that sentence for me? Can you go with, I thought you were funny. I thought you were funny. Not I thought you were funny. I thought you were funny. Not I thought you were funny. By the way, if you place accent on almost every word, that's how you know the sentence means

what it means. It's bad. I thought you were funny. That's even worse. I thought you were funny. Yeah. Let's get down to. I told you when Jeff, you know, the bring-ums in stand-up, it's called, right? Isn't it called a bring-um?

When you're starting out, they'll put you on stage if you bring 20 people or whatever. 10 people. So, stepbrother Jeff, the unbelievable fisherman whose book everyone's going to buy. He would do the bring-ums and his mom, God bless her soul. His mom would bring like old, these old friends of hers to his standup. And so Jeff goes, it's invariably the comments I hear from them after the shows, you are so brave to get up there. so brave to get up there. Which can only mean one thing.

Yeah, what are the jobs you... That it was treacherous territory. Right, right. Let's go right to local news. Oh, we're going to go to local news. Here it is. All right. This is from my Nextdoor app this week. It's posted by a gal named Bev, B-E-V, which has nothing to do with this.

Anyway, Bev writes, What a wonderful morning waiting in my child's school carpool line. Next to a, all caps, Wild school carpool line next to a, all caps, dead body outside of one of the many RVs parked outside his school in Playa Vista. Oh, wow. You know, it's a teachable moment. It's a teachable moment. Kids, study hard.

Don't do drugs. Avoid neck tattoos, pit bulls, and the red hot chili peppers. There it is. You should speak at graduation. But Bev, so you just, there's a dead body. You just sit in your car and try to listen to some morning DJ as you wait in line to drop off your kid. Then you go home and write about it. Like what? How about getting how about helping? Did you call 9-1-1? Right. How about get out of the line, go home and hold your child?

Just just hold them and let them know that everything's going to be OK. Yeah, it's like it's so the kid is seeing the mom look at a dead body and be like, what a wonderful morning. That's her reaction to a corpse outside the car. That's the worst teachable moment. Oh, my God. All right, let's do some entertainment. Are these speed bumps?

No, they're corpses. Fucking up my suspension. All right, let's do some entertainment. Mommy, are these speed bumps? No, they're corpses. Fucking up my suspension. All right, this is about the late Sex and the City star, Willie Garson, who we know. Remember, he was friends with Zach. Super nice guy. Yeah. He dealt with speculation over his sexuality during the show's initial run.

He played Stanford Blatch, the gay best friend and confidant to Sarah Jessica Parker in what was one of television's first ever high-profile gay characters. Garson, a heterosexual man, explained that he actually hid his real sexuality from friends, fans of the show for many years as he didn't want to offend its gay fans. Quote, for years, I didn't talk about it because I found it to be offensive to gay people. People playing gay characters, jumping up and down, screaming that they're not gay like that would somehow be a bad thing if they were. Well, I don't know. I think he has this a little wrong. This isn't a joke, but that's not why it would be offensive at this point in our society.

Wouldn't the LBGTQ vilify him because he's straight playing a gay in the gayest show ever created? You mean because the show is so gay, the context is worse? No, but he's playing a gay man. It's almost like now, read on what he says, because it's like, for instance, if there was a handicapped character, wouldn't he be vilified for playing a handicapped character? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what he says.

He goes, when the question would come up this show, I would say, when I was on White Collar, nobody asked me if I was a con man. And when I was on NYPD Blue, nobody ever asked me

if I was a murderer. This is what we do for a living, portray people, the actor thoughtfully explained. Well, to that I'd say, yeah, but you aren't a closeted con man

or murderer. I think Willie was a closeted con man or murderer i think i think willie was a closeted gay man come on respect the dead uh rest in peace uh willie he was a really nice guy uh to tell you the truth even as i read this story this morning i thought willie was gay i always thought he was gay wait a minute so if he if he wasn't gay, is Sarah Jessica Parker not really a terrible actress? No, do not worry. Do not worry. She is.

Okay. You know what? I don't even want to say that. The writers are not the hackiest bunch of pun-filled hacks of all time? Is that what you're saying? This show is how gay men think of single women in New York City. Well, because it was written by a gay man, right? What's his name?

Michael? Yeah, Patrick, whatever his name is. Patrick Neal? It's so, all the punny dick jokes, and it's just, whatever. You know what? I'm going to go positive it's fabulous it's fabulous um let's go over to the playboy mansion a former playboy model has opened up about the realities of living at hugh hefner's infamous playboy mansion holly madison yeah isn't holly

madison an ice cream flavor i think so or is it is it Dolly? It might be Dolly Madison. Oh, yeah, maybe. Who moved into the notorious property back in 2001 when she was 21 years old, claimed it was home to a gross cycle of goings on, as well as a constant pressure to look a certain way. All right. How is this news? I know. I know. Because I thought it would be like, oh, the news is it was rather wholesome.

Yeah, right. Just a few months after moving into the mansion, she started dating Hef, who was 75 years old, 54 years older than her. When they were an item, Madison claims Hefner repeatedly criticized her appearance, screamed at her for cutting her hair. You look too young. She also alleged that she and other models were encouraged to take Quaaludes and participate in orgies with Hefner. All right, things are picking up. Now I'm in.

She alleged that Hefner had offered her the drug on the very first night at the mansion, writing that he told her, quote, Usually I don't approve of drugs, but, you know, in the 70s, they used to call these pills thigh openers. That's so cute. That's so fun and cute. And when they OD'd and they had to get rid of the body, he had this backhoe in the yard he called the ground opener. And everybody giggled about that, too.

Oh, man. opener and everybody giggled about that too oh man uh the paramedics would come in and they were called thigh closers just they the body wouldn't fit out the door when the legs were totally spread uh wait a minute it's kind of a nice thing like listen, listen, you're going to have sex with this 75-year-old, and you're, what is she? She's 21 years old. It's like, hey, I think before you have sex with me, I think you should be on some drugs. It's like, that makes all the sense in the world. Yeah. Wasn't she like, thank you? Like, I don't know how I was going to do this without something impairing my judgment

and everything I see. And then, you know, and as he's banging you, you got to look out the window and see Bill Maher showing up in a pair of pajamas. And you know, that's the worst part. That's dessert. Who's touching my foot? Is this old bodies, oh, Bill Maher is waiting for seconds. Let's do some Florida, man. You got it. A pair of Florida women. That's what we're doing today. And they were emailed in from a listener, Dan Nern, which is an odd name. It's one of those where the last

letter of the first name is the same as the first letter of the Dan Nern. There you go. Dan Nern. Oh, hi, Mr. Dan Nern. What's your first name? No, it's Dan. Oh, it's Dan Nern? No, Dan Nern. Oh, it's Dan Nern? No, it's Dan Nern. I got an hour more on this. Daytona Beach, Florida. A vendor at a major motorcycle rally in Florida sold hats emblazoned with Nazi symbols, saying she considered them, wait for it, a tribute to World War II veterans who helped defeat the Germans.

The Daytona Beach News Journal reports that the vendor was selling the hats with swastikas and skull and bones logo used by the Nazi SS at a stand during Biketoberfest. And then she said, it doesn't mean what people think. She only said her name. A lot of people don't know the history. So they label me a racist, which is not true at all. No. Wait, Jenny, because she only gave out her one

name. I didn't say you were racist. I said you were a fucking idiot. Jenny's like, I'm also selling little toy slave ships to black people who overcame slavery. Yeah. I mean, at least there's no old Jews walking around that were in Germany during the 40s in Florida.

It might be the worst place to sell swastikas. It really might be. Know your crowd. Know your crowd. Oh, my God. Know your crowd. Know your crowd. Oh, man. Next story was a woman was charged with a DUI after driving into two people at a Vero Beach parade. A drunk driver, she's accused of driving into the elderly couple in Vero Beach. It was a Christmas parade.

Police said the victims, both in their 90s, were knocked unconscious and were hospitalized, but both are expected to be OK. How do you get hit by a car in your 90s and you're OK? That's my question. That seems like a game ender. And unconscious. In the NFL, you don't even have to be knocked unconscious. And if you are hit, you are rushed into a tent and you're probably going to miss some games.

And you are an athlete in the prime of your life. Yeah, right. Peak physical condition. And these two are out there playing shuffleboard a couple hours later. Competitive. All right. So now the driver, 72-year year old Susan Harvey of Vero Beach, was arrested and charged with driving under the influence.

Investigators said her blood alcohol level at the time of the crash, they use the word crash, was nearly twice the legal limit. What the fuck? 72 and twice the legal. What is going on in Florida? Meanwhile, she's probably like, who put this parade here? I drive this route home from my bingo at the bar every night. At worst, I clip a few Cuban kids. Now they put a parade here? I thought the parade was commemorating the dead Cuban kids at first. By the way, if it's a parade, where's that woman selling the swastikas?

She's usually always here on the corner. Yeah, it's like how you always get the pan flutes from the Ecuadorians. Yeah, you can't have a Christmas parade without some SS memorabilia. Oh, my God. You can't have a Christmas parade without some SS memorabilia. Oh, my God. I mean, twice the legal limit at age 72 should be one drink. They have to fucking scale it down.

Because let me tell you something. I haven't had a drink since New Year's Day 1990. So it's been 31 years. And when I turn 65, I will begin cocktailing again. I'm going to have a highball around 5 o'clock, and I may have a second one after dinner. You've always said that. And also, I think most of the times you said it,

you and I are basically the same age. We both had a little suspicion that we probably won't make it to 65. It's just we didn't have kids yet. We were burning it at both ends, even when you quit drinking. And 65 seems ancient when you're in your 30s. So do you think you're still going to do this? Oh, fuck yeah. I can't wait. I can't wait.

It's going to be so much fun. Although I never think of you as a non-drinker except when i need a driver then i'm like oh yeah greg doesn't drink because you party and hang and roll with the stories and also we all drink less and need it less you know what i mean or rely on it less is a better way yeah you don't drink the way you used to. You used to drink, although you were always a three beer and then a water guy. You'd always mix a water in. Keep in mind, I blacked out solidly most of sophomore year to the point where I quit hard alcohol in college. Yeah.

Blackouts terrify me. But no, you're right. I don't like being totally out of control. I mean, I like being physically out of control and I'll steal a car and spend a night in prison or jail, I should say, in New Hampshire. I'll do that. But I don't like being out of control where like those things, oddly, I felt in control. So I don't know. I don't know how to describe it, but you're right. I'm not drinking as much anymore. Yeah. You don't want to you don't want to be parade parade drunk where you're running into parades.

You want to be sober on the sidelines selling swastikas. All right, let's do some international. Here it comes. In Germany, a man killed himself, his wife, and three young girls after he faked a COVID-19 jab certificate and feared his children would be taken away when it was discovered. Police found two adults, both 40 and three children, aged 4, 8, and 10, dead from gunshot head wounds in a family home. In a pages-long farewell note found by police. in a pages-long farewell note found by police. First of all, I get killing your family and yourself in a rash moment, but how do you write a pages-long farewell?

Isn't that like a form of therapy when you're writing it out? Don't you start to connect things and calm down and have some fucking more sound thoughts once you start writing? Maybe, although I hate writing so much, and have some fucking more sound thoughts once you start writing? Maybe. Although I hate writing so much, I'm looking for a gun when I'm writing. So I guess he forged a vaccination certificate for his wife, and her employer found out, and they were afraid they'd be arrested and they would lose their kids.

All right. So just to review the story for everybody, the dad thought the vaccine was so dangerous, he shot and killed his kids, his wife, and himself to avoid it. I just want to be clear on this. Yes. That's what happened. It's like the sound of music,

except instead of being slaughtered by Nazis, the children are shot in the head by their father. Just another fun German tale. Yeah. Except Nazis are dangerous. The vaccine, at best it's debatable. I mean, at worst it's debatable. Yeah, right.

It could be the opposite of dangerous, most scientists say. This is like, you know, the grim, what were those, the Grimm tales, the fairy tales that came out of Germany? The Brothers Grimm. The Brothers Grimm. Yeah, finally wrote them down, yeah.

I mean, it doesn't end. Germany is still just as fucking dark. It is like historically the darkest place in the world. From Brothers Grimm to the Nazis to this fucking shit. I can't bear the sight of a needle going into my baby's arm so i am going to put a bullet in her skull that'll you achieve you achieved what you wanted to there there's they're safe now they're not they are definitely not going to catch the virus. Another story, Saudi authorities have conducted

their biggest ever crackdown on camel beauty contests that received Botox injections and other artificial touch-ups with over 40 camels disqualified from the annual pageant. I'm calling BS. I think

you might have gotten hoodwinked. Did you find this story in two locations or just the onion? Oh. Chris, you want to research this and make sure that it's true? No, no. By the way, I'm making it up.

I don't think it's in the onion. But it's that unbelievable. Saudi Arabia's popular King Abdulazizi Camel Festival invites the breeders of the most beautiful camels to compete for some $66 million in prize money. Botox injections, facelifts, and other cosmetic alterations to make the camels more attractive are strictly prohibited. Jurors decide the winner based on the shape of the camel's heads, necks, humps, dress, and postures. Look, when you go to a camel beauty contest, it's easy to get caught up in the fake humps and the nice puffy lips, but you got to stay focused on what you're really there for. Fucking the camels. How about some vaginal regeneration surgery how about the inner beauty

i mean that's what's being really lost through the inner beauty of these beasts also there was a footnote to the article that saudi men call women camels ah got it so that changes everything that'd be a lot that'd be a big waste of money to put fucking Botox injection into a woman's face and then put a bag over it. I bet they're... All right. These are honest questions now. Do you think there's a beauty contest in Saudi Arabia for women? Yeah.

Are they in Miss, are they in the Miss world pageant? Is Saudi Arabia in the Miss world pageant? I mean, it's such a weird, they say it's so regulated, like, so technically to qualify,

you'd have to have one, one of their sanctioned events, uh, you know, on the state level or on the country level before going into Miss Universe, I guess. Like, in other words, a couple of rich guys couldn't find a very beautiful woman with Saudi blood and then enter into Miss Universe, which Miss Universe would love, of course, to have a Miss Saudi Arabia. But I wonder, I wonder if they let women, maybe just really nasty animals,

and $66 million in prize money. Yeah. By the way, I just looked it up. This is a real article. I cross-referenced it while Chris Denman was, I think he's making a cappuccino or something. There is a Miss Arab, but he is writing it now. There is a Miss Arab World beauty pageant.

All right. Arab World. Okay. So did the judges go, I think she's probably pretty. Right. I'm guessing she has a lovely face. Also, it's hard to tell because she's walking 15 paces behind us, so I can't really see her.

That might just be India. I don't know. All right, let's do some sports. You got it, pal. Bad news for you. Another loss last week. The Buccaneers beat the spread and you are officially even after 14 weeks

of football. Furious. Well, that shows you how good these lines are. It's pretty amazing, isn't it? It really is. We are betting the over, not the overrunner. We are betting with the spread and the spread

is so accurate that we are dead even. 50% Tampa Bay is, you know, I don't even know how to word it. But I was down like $180 or something at one point. No, you were down $200, I think. Wow. Four games. But I still owe you $20 for something. What was the bet?

Maybe it was three. Four games. But I still owe you $20 for something. Maybe it was three. We bet $20 on some game at the end of the podcast a couple of weeks ago. I think you're going to go into the red this week because they're playing Buffalo, and they're only given three points, and they're playing at home. I got a feeling. Well, aren't they cheating?

Of course. Of course. That's built into the spread. His new Brady's new home also cheats, this time lying about COVID. Here's a fun story in the sports section. A Philly police dog takes a massive dump right on the center ice at a Flyers game. How did he get out there? This was a trained member of the Philly police canine unit.

After eight straight losses, and they just fired their head coach, and have completely wasted the prime of Claude Giroux's career, and now dogs are taking shits on the team's logo. It's perfect. I mean, look, at least the crowds aren't filled with drunk Italian women in Flyers jerseys and Philly accents. Worst collection of humans ever. Hey, look at these guys skating on that frozen water.

That's a good one. You nailed that one. Yeah. By the the way this dog should be decorated and receive even more medals keep in mind it's been trained its whole life to have the keenest senses and this was the exact move to make on that occasion the dog sensed it yeah right right on that flyer ice right he is a strong emotional emotional, very healthy emotional life. But by the way, what was a police dog doing on the ice during a Flyers game? Was there a fight the refs couldn't break up? I mean, it's Philly, so there was probably a black guy involved in the fight,

so they brought the dog out. I think he just stands there the whole game and just, you know, keeps an eye out for trouble. Yeah. Couldn't make it through the third period and took a big dump right on the ice. He also shit at the Sixers game. He shit on the Rocky Balboa statue on the top of the steps.

Yeah. He shit on both the cheesesteak rivals in that area. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They shit on, what's the college my son almost went to in Philly? Oh, yeah. Temple?

No, not Temple. The other one, it's more downtown. Anyway, missed joke. Science. Let's do a little science, people. All right. China is developing a hypersonic aircraft that can travel, okay, 12,000 miles per hour. Damn.

And it can transport 10 people anywhere on Earth in one hour. The 6,000, it's a nuke missile engine. And this says it's a 6,000 mile per hour. I don't know what to believe now. It's reportedly based on a design abandoned by NASA because it costs too much. The hypersonic plane is larger than a Boeing 737. By the way, only 10 people would be in it. So maybe the rest is padding and airbags and it can travel five times the speed of sound. So you thought COVID

could spread fast before? Just wait. Yeah, right, right. And it flies out of the Beijing airport, so it's still going to take you six hours to get to your flight. Yeah. By the way, your bags arrived two days later. Yeah. What possible reason is there for people to fly this fast? It's like we don't have – we're not as busy as we used to be because we can do everything from our computer or our phone. You don't need to get anywhere in an hour. This is fucking insane.

Phil Collins could have used it when he went between the two live aids. Remember, he did that. Oh, right. Right. On the Concord. Oh, my God. That's right. Of all the artists that could have performed twice.

It was fucking Phil Collins. Please. But can you at least bring Bowie with you? Yeah, right. Of all the artists that could have performed twice, it was fucking Phil Collins. Please. But can you at least bring Bowie with you? Yeah, right. Or how about Queen? They just destroyed their like legendarily. So, yeah, there is a dog that was found out to. It's this tick tocker found out she she adopted a four-year-old Chihuahua, and it wasn't following her commands. And she didn't know if the dog was deaf or just dumb or whatever. And in the off chance that it might be something she hadn't considered,

she tried a little Spanish, and it worked like a charm. She then showed Max the Chihuahua following the commands perfectly in Spanish, including vamos for come here. Vamos, you mean? Vamos. Don't your kids, aren't your kids fluent in Spanish?

Vamos. Away we go. Sentiete for sit down and buen chico for good boy Look I don't care how cute this dog is If he doesn't have the papers He goes back across the border Chose that fucking gringo at one point

And then rolled over dying laughing Of course it speaks Spanish It's a chihuahua So Brulee is an Asian breed Of course, it speaks Spanish. It's a chihuahua. You know, so Brulee is an Asian breed. So I have to learn how to say in Chinese, it's okay, let go, head towards the light. And how do you say Brulee in Chinese? You gave it a French name, the coolest thing of all. This dog doesn't know what the hell is going on.

There's a great, great story in the news here. Wait, hold on, though. Wait. Before I get there. The thing, it is weird. By the way, of course, I don't know why this is even a news story. Wouldn't your first guess be that it might speak Spanish? It's a Chihuahua.

But like, it is weird. Like Chihuahuas in Germany that understand German. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like what? And the little Chihuahua knows nothing but German. I think it'd be great to get a German shepherd and only speak to it in German just to fuck with people.

And the only German you know are dog commands. What about a German shepherd that speaks Hebrew? I'd like to see that. Yeah. How about it? All right. that yeah how about it all right so doctors have discovered scientists have discovered that you know doctors prescribe viagra to treat erectile dysfunction but they have found through several studies in mice and a few studies in humans that viagra can also treat Alzheimer's disease. What? Yes.

Well, Greg, it doesn't work with all men because there's a bunch of dudes walking around with full-on boners asking, what happened? Did I take something? Yeah, and who are you? Can I have sex with you? Are you my wife?

How about all these mice with boners and bad memory? Everyone feels sorry for the monkeys with all the electrodes in their heads. What about these mice who have no idea why they have erections? And now some of them do. I mean, for somebody who's lived in New York City for a long time, we have plenty of mice. We don't need to give mice Viagra. They're doing fine.

It's going to take away the excuse now, too. You got this full-on boner with your girlfriend, and all of a sudden you're like, oh, whoa, wait a minute, I'm married. What are you doing? Get off of me. Yeah, right. What's this pill you gave me who are you exactly uh will this still

work with my wife let's read chris denman's joke all right this story was leaked by wives of husbands reluctant to take viagra quote did you lose your keys again, honey. I like it. There we go. By the way, Chris Denman, who's been our producer for, how long, has it been two years? How long have we been doing this podcast? Has it? We started

during COVID. Oh, yes. We started in March of 2020. Oh, all right. We got a ways to go. So it's a year. It's a year. And haven't missed a weekend somehow. A year and nine months. And we've never missed a week.

And Chris Denman has been here throughout, does a crack job. And we're going to introduce him to you. Maybe in the next episode of the show. We got to think of a fun way to do it. Well, we could go live on some Sunday because he goes to parades with his swastika stand. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he could promote his merch when I promote my tour dates.

That's true. We've got to give him a plug. Let's do some... Business? Business news. You don't seem enthusiastic about business. No, I'm not enthusiastic about it. You want to skip to Starbucks and go to Tampa?

Let's go to Tampa. Inflation in business news. Tampa tops major U.S. cities at 8% inflation in November from a year ago. The study showed jet skis are up 10%. Lap dance is 15%. Couch snake removers 11% up. Did we do that story? Yeah.

Oh, good. I thought we skipped it. Swastika hats are up a whopping 20%. Car dent repair caused by 90-year-olds, 9%. Motorcycle helmets actually flat because nobody buys them. And here's a surprise, meth. It was already very expensive, and it always sells out. So no change there.

Well, those clients, they come up with the money. They're very resourceful. Yep. And inflation is not a factor. Does not affect sales. Oh, no, we didn't do the couch snake story. You did a callback to a joke we didn't do. There was a story earlier that we cut on the fly here where a guy in Florida noticed, noticed a five foot long snake in his couch, freaked out. They dragged the couch outside and it was, and called a guy to remove it.

Which just, it sounds like a euphemism you would have used in high school, a couch snake. Watch out for the couch snake, Cindy. Steve's a little tricky. You know what? The best part of Netflix and chill is the couch snake. Watch out for the couch snake, Cindy. Steve's a little tricky. You know what the best part of Netflix and chill is? The couch snake. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. I think we should.

This woman named Joanne, she must be overcome with the holiday season, but she says, I seem to really have a crush on these guys that's nice to hear this time of year you know the holidays can you know be lonely for some people and that just makes me feel good this comes from chris dillman although this year's version wrapped up this weekend thought you guys and your beatles fan listeners might be interested in the annual peppercorn marathon in columbus ohio it is organized by a local guy named Joe Peppercorn. Each year, he and his musical cohorts get together and play every song the Beatles recorded in order in a marathon concert.

Wow. It's become such a big deal that a few years ago, Paul McCartney launched it via satellite. I'm not a Beatles fan, but the skill and commitment is amazing, and Joe is a solid guy. Maybe you can overlap a stand-up set in Columbus next year and catch the marathon. That would be a lot of fun.

Yeah, I would go for the last two hours. What's the first song? Saw Her Standing There? Was that their first single? That's a good trivia question. I don't know. I wonder if he just does songs written by the Beatles because that would rule out a lot on the first albums. Right. I think. Right. Yeah. A lot of them were covers. And the last song would have been what? Let it Be? What's the last song they ever recorded?

Her Majesty. Well, I think he's going, I'm guessing he's going album to album as they were laid out. As they were released. So did Let It Be come out after Abbey Road? I believe it did, even though it was recorded before Abbey Road. Yes.

I think that's right. And so what's the last song on Let It Be? So, yeah. Meanwhile, it should end with The End, which arguably is the last time I played it, which is on Abbey Road. But then there's Her Majesty's Blah Bl, blah, little light little riff that Paul does, which you see in the documentary. Which, by the way, I'm almost done with the third and final episode.

And just people go watch it. Here's a funny thing I found out about my mother-in-law. She has been to one concert in her entire life, and it was the Beatles. Wow. One rock concert in her entire life, and it was the fucking Beatles. How cool is that?

And she brought Aaron's brother to the concert. And are you looking up the song right now? It might be Get Back. I'm looking at the tracks, but it is on the 2021 mix, and it has Get Back as the last track on Let It Be. Big news. Michael Vayan wrote in, and he said, Just want to inform you we are pleased to announce an upcoming new personal record for masturbation jokes sunday

papers just tentatively surpassed the previous record by a wide margin verification forthcoming congratulations gentlemen that feels good because there are times where i feel like i'm not pushing myself and you know i feel like i'm preparing i'm giving it my all. But to go above and beyond with some jerk off jokes. Well, what makes me feel good is that we crushed Sex and the City, which was the reigning champ. Yeah. For, I think, 12 years. Right. Right. So yay for us. All right. I'm going to skip this next one because it's old. We'll go back to it. And we're going to skip Bob Dole's obituary because who really gives a shit.

It was a fan. Did you see the photo on the cover of the New York Times? No. In the people's house. Anyway, it was taken from above. And it's this incredibly symmetrical shot of his casket laying in state in the middle of the room

in the Capitol and it's really cool. Yeah. Here's what's really cool. The funnies. Oh, right then. Sunday funnies. Here's Hager the Horrible and he's with his friend.

What's his name, Swifty or something? I think it's Sparky. And so Hager is with him, and his friend is very overwhelmed and smitten by a girl who's sitting next to them alone at the bar, which I guess happens a lot in medieval times, is when you're a pretty young girl, you sit amongst men that are drinking in pubs.

And so Hager says to his friend, be self-deprecating. And so the friend walks over to her and he goes, what's a nice woman like you doing so close to a guy like me? And she leaves and Hager goes, next time dial it back. All right, I thought it might be fun to go with Hager's real coaching, which might be something like grab her by the hair. You hold her down. I'll look out for other guys.

Or why did you speak to it? That's a pickup line in the medieval times. Yeah. Lockhorns. By the way, McSorley's didn't allow women in until like the 1980s, maybe even 90s. I think it was the 80s. Like, you think these Viking bars let women in? Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, women that were not charging. So now the Lockhorns, they're walking out of Leroy's class reunion, and Loretta says to him, everyone there recognized you, Leroy. Unfortunately, they remembered you, too. That's solid. Coming up on the new year, she wants me to get in touch with her in the new year to come on the show. It's going to be fun. I like that.

All right, are we going to a family circus? Sadly. I do not know what it says. You reminded me I had not put one in this document like moments before we went live. All right. Here it is. I'm going to read it. So the little redheaded, obnoxious kid is standing in his name is Billy. So he's standing in a room holding what looks to be a Christmas card that says ho ho ho and a picture of Santa. And he's looking up at the grandma. So this is interesting.

So the grandma is unpacking a box that has Christmas decorations. But the window, is that a menorah? It's a menorah in the window. Well, it's a three-candle menorah. I think we might have that wrong. No, I think a menorah has like eight candles. Of course it does. Well, I think it has nine. I think it has have that wrong. I think a menorah has like eight candles. Of course it does. Well, I think it has nine.

I think it has the lighting candle. Wait, did you do something with the dock? I can't find the cartoon all of a sudden, which is great. Scroll down. I just made it bigger. Dude, I can't see anything, which is thank you. You don't see it? I see a giant word Bob Dole.

That's all i see really yeah i can't see it you do it i love this all right you know what don't fix it okay go ahead what's going on in this family i still don't know what it says so billy looks up at grandma who looks like uh uh george bush's wife what was her? Barbara Bush? Yeah. She's a horrid looking woman with small kind of waspy features and thick- George Sr. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coke bottle glasses. And he goes, Grandma, did you used to play with Santa Claus when you were a little girl?

Which is kind of a nice fucking dig. I'd say. Wait, why did you get the only good one ever? It's funny. Grandma, you old fucking shriveled up dinosaur. Did you used to play with Santa Claus when you were a little girl?

Santa Claus is what Grandma calls her clit. We're going to try to help this out a little bit. Well, of course, it would be very funny clit. Hey, now we're going to try to help this out a little bit. Hey, well, of course it would be very funny and very Adams family and far side or anyone who had a real sense of humor. Like all of a sudden the kids tied up in Christmas lights, you know,

or something like that. Yeah. Grandma didn't take it well. So now just setups. Dagwood stepping up his fucking game this christmas he uh he's handing blondie and i gotta just take a second and break down blondie's outfit here she's got on a green skirt with horizontal stripes that hugs her buttocks but is a very it's very uh the material is very silky and then she has on a violet top.

It's unusual for her because there's no neckline, but it's very soft. It looks like one of those cashmere things, and it's just groping at her breast. It's so tight. And so Dagwood says, I got you this new GPS-activated mistletoe phone app. And Blondie goes, can you show me how it works? And then Dagwood stands under the mistletoe phone app. And Blondie goes, can you show me how it works? And then Dagwood stands under the mistletoe and Blondie's app says on her phone, beep in six feet,

you will arrive at your destination. And Blondie goes, wow, this is my kind of phone app. So Dagwood is setting up a little something here he's finally taking advantage of this it's like having a fucking 68 Chevy SS in the garage and you never drive it because you're in the kitchen eating fucking sandwiches all the time and then you finally take it out for a drive good on you I think she shows up under there and he's like, see, it works. Where's my sandwich?

Tricked you. Go make me some meatloaf, bitch. All right, Mike, you're going to go get your daughter. And how are you doing on time to pick up your daughter? I'm actually texting my youngest if she wants to come to LAX to pick her up. It's not as big an occasion. They were just home for Thanksgiving. What are we paying for here?

Hey, my son didn't even go back to school. His school doesn't have class between Thanksgiving and January. That's unbelievable. So he's been hanging around the house like a fucking nut. Oh, by the way. He's awesome. Depending on when you listen to this, I taped a, uh, a little comedy sketch for Fox, uh, uh, Fox sports Sunday, you know,

that Michael Strahan and, um, all those guys, they do little comedy sketches and I did a bit that's on today. So, uh, in the, about a half, about nine.m. It should be coming on Fox. So check it out. 930. And would that be 1230 here live where it's repeated? 930 L.A. time. But I'll put it on my Instagram page. If you want to see the sketch, I'll put on my page.

Oh, very cool, man. Yeah, it was fun. All right. That'll do it. Thanks to Chris Denman, who we're going to meet very soon, and Key and Beth Hoops, everybody at Midcoast Media. Mike, thank you for your effort, your humor. Oh, Chris is going through his closet like,

which MAGA sweatshirt, which one? The hoodie. The hoodie's a little strong. Let me go with the white. Maybe I'll swing by Florida. Let me go with the white, Peter. I'll swing by Florida, pick up a hat. Perfect.

All right, and I will see you. I won't be at the golf next week either because I'm going up to fucking San Jose. Are you around the rest of the weekend? Yeah. All right. Maybe some late golf. Sounds good. You got it, pal.

See you later. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. The Sunday papers What do you like? With a day in my life There's some dirty papers With a day in my life It's Sunday papers

With Drake and Mike Bears were drinking mice Sunday blimpers And my dear old friends Sunday papers Sunday papers Thank you. you