Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 94 12/19/21

Episode Date: December 19, 2021

Caitlyn gets bounced from the Beverly Hilton, Ben Affleck trashes Jen Garner, and Billie Eilish watched too much porn. Kim Jong-un executed 7 people for watching K-Pop and guess what state had a teacher sleep with a student?

I'm gonna be the son of the neighbors Please don't remind me of the son of the neighbors Take it easy! Take it easy! Read all about it! Read all about it! Coming to you from... What fucking city am I in? San Jose, California? To Santa Monica, covering all the nation's news.

I'm not going to ask you to scream again, but I heard through my headphones, which were in my hands, that shrieking. Oh wait, hold on, I forgot to put my headphones in. I don't, please don't scream again. We got to start over again. No, no, no, we don't, my headphones in. Please don't scream again. We've got to start over again. No, no, no, we don't. We don't. We don't. Let's do an ASMR.

Is that what it's called? Read all about it. Read all about it. What's an ASMR? Is that some fancy TV term? You're too old. You don't need to know. Meanwhile, I'm probably saying it wrong.

But, you know, it's the sounds that people think are soothing, but really it's masturbatory. We're not talking about it, though. We've gotten dinged. Greg, you talk too much about masturbation. When? Last week? No, I'd say the last 55 years.

Wait, are you saying our YouTube thing got dinged there's a lot of feedback there's a lot of feedback in the real world and online uh that uh you're a dirty bird what wait wait what's the real world who are you talking to your dad's old friends in florida again my ex uh mother-in-law thinks that you're a little too dirty, Jill. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she also walks around the house naked, so I don't know, you know. Topless, not naked. Topless.

No longer my house, but poor Kathy's house, her daughter. Yes. Yeah. But she's Brooklyn, man, so if you're offending her, that says a lot. All right, I'm going to keep it really clean today. I'm not going to curse once. What? I'm not going to curse one time this entire podcast.

I wouldn't promise that. Sometimes it's for rhythm and cadence and to accentuate. Fuck that. I'm going to keep it super clean. All right, let's see how it goes then. All right. I doubt I've missed any. All right. So let's talk about Jeff Nichols.

We got to talk about Jeff Nichols. Last week, your stepbrother. I got to thank, yeah. We put a call out. Who is a character. He is such a character. Burned down our family house, sank the boat. There's more than that, by the way. But anyway, he's severely also learning disabled. And, you know, one of my

favorite stories, which which should be a scene in a movie is he wouldn't name diagnosed him because they were like, what's going on? And keep in mind, he's in his 50s. So ADD wasn't a very popular term back then. They just you know. They just called you stupid. So anyway, he was brought into this very advanced school, Stephen Gaynor, I think it's called. In New York City. Yeah, very expensive, right? I think it's one of the first schools that addressed that. So anyway, bring the mom in, bring Jeff into the office.

This is a very new concept that they're trying and they're telling this family and they sit them down. They're like, so Jeff, um, you know, after doing tests, you are going to be able to take the standardized test because his PSAT was coming up and they're like, you are going to, because of your disability, you're going to be able to take the test untimed. And Jeff kind of like smiles and looks incredulously at the woman and then turns to his mom and they both nod like, yes, like this is true. This good news is true. And he's like, so, and he looks back at the principal and he's like, so you mean I can leave early?

And I know I've said that before, but now I'm connecting it. This is the guy that wrote the book and then they all puked because he has a charter boat. Anyway, to all the listeners, so many people went and bought this book. We drove it from like,

I'm not even kidding you, like 170 on sport fishing books and then also sport books down to the low 40s. That's huge. Yeah. And tons of people sent us pictures on Instagram and at the FitzDogRadio at gmail.com email address. Send us your pictures of you buying the book, getting the book, whatever. Love to see it.

So I put a review, right? Oh, Jeff is also asking because, of course, I give an inch. Give it a five-star review if you can. So I gave it a five-star review. And then Amazon wrote me, your latest customer review is live on Amazon. Like, congratulations. Thanks, Mike Gibbons. on Amazon. Like, congratulations. Thanks, Mike Gibbons. Here's the link. So I click it and it says that link's dead. But here's my review. It was right here. It was in the email. So, you know, normally it's like great read, good book, fantastic. So my little bold thing is full disclosure on the author's stepbrother. And then my review is the author, my stepbrother, Jeff, sank our family boat and burned our three-story home to the ground. And I'm still giving this five stars because of how funny it is.

That's my review. I reviewed it too. I can't remember what I wrote. Did you see it there? Yours is not in there either. Oh, Jesus. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Have you done your Christmas shopping?

Wait, hold on. I want to read what one guy, you kind of, I want to read, I got, I got the virus for everybody. I want to read what one guy wrote. Okay. It's Minto, I-T-S-M-I-N-T-O. That's his name on Instagram. S M I N T O. That's his name on Instagram. He goes, I will be,

I will be ordering a copy of the, like Jeff's book. He commented because I posted it on Instagram. So he goes, I will be ordering a copy to support the show. I just hope that as a person of color, Dennis Gubbins doesn't jump in front of me to take my copy. Like he took my vaccine shot. I had one of our black listeners write to me and. Thank you, it's Mendo. Call me on the carpet about my interview with, who did I just have on?

I should go on your other podcast and tell you what I'm up to and stuff. Yeah. I'm joking. One podcast with you is enough. What's the comic's name? I'm forgetting his name. Anyway, he was on, oh, Mark Norman. Yeah, Norman.

And we were talking about how it's hard for white guys right now to get work. Oh, boy. And this fucking black guy laid into me, and it like hey you know i just i can't i get it i'm not fighting it i'm not condoning it i'm not i'm not saying it's wrong that there's more diversity all i'm saying is it's hard for me right now to get writing jobs that's all there's no there's no agenda i'm not trying to overturn the progress that's been made in hiring uh people of color i'm just saying as a guy with two kids in college paying a mortgage it's impossible to even get a meeting to write on a tv show for me right now i can say that am I allowed to be frustrated by that? Or am I supposed to just go,

I lay down upon the, I throw myself on the floor and I, I mean, I got to make a living, don't I? All right. But of course, Greg, of course you're right. But isn't it a little like the slave master in the big house? Like this ice cream's a little melted. Like the slave master in the big house, like this ice cream's a little melted. Like, am I not allowed? Guys, he says out to the field, look at this ice cream. Look what she serves me. It's like a little melted.

Like I'm allowed to complain about that, right? They all have lash scars on their back. So I'm a slave owner in this scenario? No, but you're in the big house. You won the racial lottery yeah right i've said it before if i'm just not i'm just saying this is very hard you know i'm just having a hard time making money these days did she forget to take it when she left the room on the zoom i just showed a pile of cash on my bed that's from selling my pins at my show i guess a giant well you just showed the irs yeah money stream for your right right oh man um but i've said anyway whatever let's move on from your from fortunate

you won the you won the racial i know i mean there's no way for me to talk about it. That doesn't sound bad. I get it. And I I celebrate the progress that's been made. I really do. I think it's wonderful. Yeah. I mean, the pendulum has swung too much the other way. I mean, you'd think you would think here I go in the big house. You'd think whites were four percent of the population if you looked at like the delta photos of people on the planes and the and not I guess straight straight white man man I guess you would think we're like the tiniest fraction of the population but listen it had to over correct it because it's never going to stick there it has to go too far we're coming back we're coming otherwise it We're coming back. Otherwise it wouldn't go far enough. Otherwise it wouldn't go far enough. Uh, what is this about? Uh, Chris

North, you wrote something in the script. Oh, the white male rapist. Yeah. What's that allegedly? Yeah. No, I just, um, here's the thing. Mr. Big, his name is Chris North. I I think, N-O-T-H. And I blame Sex and the City for these rapes. Hear me out. Both women's accounts, which were given separately to The Hollywood Reporter, they had a very specific detail. And the women don't know each other and have never spoken. But during the alleged rape, but during, I guess, I guess it's the alleged sex also. But they were put forcibly in doggy style in front of a mirror.

Wait, this guy, back up for a second. So you're saying two women have accused Chris North of rape. Yeah. And so this is a very easy prediction. Many, many, many, many, many more are now going to come forward. Oh, because which, of course, did not happen with Woody Allen. But that's what happens in these if the guy is that type of guy. And this is all allegedly. Yeah. He's denied it, by the way. Right. is that type of guy. And this is all allegedly. Yeah. He's denied it by the way. Right. But I will say if it did happen. So this whole conversation is under the banner allegedly. Okay. So if it did happen, um, I, in both accounts, the women, and this is true said, I think literally one of them said, I was just pinching myself that I was in Mr. Big's hotel room. Yeah. I was just pinching

myself. I was in Mr. Big's apartment. Like this was crazy. And keep in mind, Mr. Big is a fucking toxic guy using people in the show, uh, cheating on his wife, sleeping like with the main character. It's almost like the Scorpio i'm a scorpion what did you expect type right you know what i mean but they're pinching themselves for being with mr big and how horrifyingly surreal it must have been looking at mr big in that mirror being mr big yeah i mean i'm not making light of it well i would imagine if you sleep with charlie sheen real nightmare ever i mean if you sleep with Charlie Sheen. It must have been the most surreal nightmare ever. I mean, if you sleep with someone like Charlie Sheen,

like you just know you are, you know, you are with somebody who is just filthy. I wouldn't say filthy. He has HIV. Yeah. And maybe a couple of hepatitis hey but hey in charlie's defense uh and i might have this wrong i have heard a lot of positive stories did you see someone has a documentary uh punky brewster has a documentary she was one of those kids like tom green like as

soon as a handheld camera like became available, she got one. And she basically recorded the 90s. You see super young. Oh, yeah. She made a documentary. Yeah, I saw it. It was great. He took her virginity, which is such a weird expression.

But he was her first lover. And she talks about how sweet and they remain friends. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Now, the age difference might have been disturbing and all that stuff. Right. But, you know, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do? We want to give a shout out to Scant Regard did our song this week, Killer Guitar. Yeah. Really nice. Nice licks there. I likeicks there track ups too yeah um and then the logo reflects this battle of the bands that's going on right now kyle spencer designed it uh between john cabrera rob dukes and uh tony kakeis who are all in they're in conversations right now about becoming a super band like like some of the

great super bands like uh the uh traveling willberries xyz xyz and they're gonna make a sunday papers theme song it's gonna blow your dick off oh man there's a curse word oh i did it i did it all right sorry jill yeah all right, we'll keep score. There's a tip jar. I think you've only done two or so. All right. So, hey, on our YouTube page or, you know, whatever you want to call with our video last week, someone goes, is Gibbon still afraid of the virus? Did you see that comment? No. So that's all it said. And, and like maybe an LOL or whatever, but like, so what does that mean? Like, like what I guess I am, but defined afraid of the virus. So it's funny. They wrote that. So they wrote

that on Sunday, but we recorded the podcast Saturday. So Saturday I pick up my daughter and she has COVID. So am I afraid of it? Yeah. My mom's in chemo and I really don't want to get it. Like, so anyway, I heard a really interesting report that, um, uh, that said, and I think it fairly characterized the extreme positions of the left and right. They're like, listen, both are kind of doing it wrong. The left, when it goes too far, is like living like they already have the virus. You know what I mean? Like they're quarantining. They're afraid to go out. They're screaming at people without the, you know, like in all that. And it's like too far. Like it's in other words, they're deprived. The reason you want to be safe

is so you can live life and they're already not living it, you know, like in that approach. So I guess they are too terrified and all that. The right story is making fun of people who are like that. And if you do get vaccinated and you do wear your mask, uh, in certain times, like you've fallen prey to this conspiracy theory that has been pulled on us. You're a sheep. Yeah. Clearly, there's some middle ground here. You know what I mean? Right, right.

Well, yeah, but that thing is you're falling prey to the media. I mean, the truth is, and I'm in middle America. I'm all over the country. I'm in San Jose right now. You know what? People wear masks at a reasonable amount. They come to the show. They're respectful afterwards. They're a little bit afraid of the virus, but they also are fucking tired of, you know, the protocols. It's somewhere in the middle. I don't get people. I do jokes about COVID. Nobody yells out at me. There's no there's no hostility. If it was the internet and I said the things I said on stage, I would get attacked by a million fucking lunatics.

But that's just the people that are active on the internet. It doesn't reflect how most people are in this country. Most people are responsible, they're weary, and they're just living their fucking lives. Whatever. No, I'm kidding. The two most extreme, loudest people, they're the ones that are going to comment. You know what I mean? Right. Like those are the ones that are taking

the time to go online. And those are the ones we should ignore. We should ignore them. Yup. But we're not going to. So anyway, Sophie got through it. She quarantined. I don't think, she thought she had the flu. And then I took a deep dive and I learned because she remembered when she was first losing her sense of smell, but she thought it was because she was so congested. And, um, but the average day, this is not the new variant. This is the old school one. The average day you lose your sense of smell and or taste is day five. So sometimes that can help you with your, the first day you feel symptoms and everything. They say to call that day zero. And then day one is your first full day of not feeling

right or feeling like shit. And then a day five is when the, the smelt and that she was right on that course. So anyway, she made it the 10 days and, uh, and tested negative. Oh, did not test negative, but they say don't even bother to get tested. You can test positive for like weeks, months even after. So did she quarantine in her room when she got home? Quarantine in her room, put the HEPA filter in there. She was very good about it. She had her own bathroom over on that side of the apartment. She would put gloves on when she went to the kitchen.

And then it was just the usual. over on that side of the apartment she would put gloves on when she went to the kitchen and um and then it was just the usual we watched our own shows isolated and didn't communicate nice family at the holidays turns out families have been quarantining in a way for years oh yeah my family my father was a really good quarantiner he was he was way ahead of the pandemic he would come home and he would go in his fucking room and he would chain smoke vice Roy's and read the New York post and pick his nose for hours alone in a room on a Barker lounger. What's Barker lounger. Is that the brand name? I never even thought.

It's like a lazy boy. It's a lazy boy. And, uh, and the only way you knew dad was home is he saw smoke oozing under the crack of his door in the den i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it tats either lit the house on fire he's just having another good night uh all right i'm gonna go through this one we do every week you know kind of like i take little notes of things and I never remember to look at them. Uh, all right. My physical therapist, really good looking guy.

I went in, whatever my fucked up hip. And anyway, really like good looking guy. And I'm kind of like, uh, I wonder if he's gay. Cause there,

I was getting some, you're gay. I have pretty good gaydar, right? At least I thought before this story and I'm like, he might be, but he's a good looking guy. And he's kind of talking to me though about bro stuff. And he's like, Hey, you know,

oh, you ski. Yeah. I was thinking about like, you know, and we're just chatting a lot, but it was some vibe. Anyway, I go in there the next time and he wasn't available. And so they gave him this other physical therapist to like do these, uh, sadistic stretches, uh, for me. And he was at the next table with this older woman, and he's like, so did you win the Adele lottery for Vegas? And I'm like, holy shit. He was gayer with her than he was with you.

He was off the charts gay. It was like someone wrote him a script to make Mike laugh. Right, right. We're going to put you, and it was about an exasperated conversation about the adele lottery to get vegas tickets and how he's and and with this and how he's going out there to get uh with with his with his roommates yeah and they're all gonna have a guy's weekend to see adele oh

boy there is nothing funnier than gay guys being gay and i know that that's not politically correct but it's you know gay guys are funny they're fucking hilarious there's a reason why we put them on tv shows and you've got rupaul's drag race and the and the and the character on every sitcom that gets big laughs is the gay guy paul lynn it's funny big over the top i miss it you don't see enough of it anymore yeah yeah caddy they're dramatic it's it's they talk shit yeah it's even more right i don't have much else i had a stone thought which is you know so many of our dogs i mean like dachshunds are pugs and uh uh bulldogs you know like the french bulldogs it's just they

stay there i had a picture like imagine I was like totally stoned alone. Like if an alien all of a sudden came to my house, like I think their first question would be like, what the fuck did you guys do to wolves? Yeah, right, right. Like that's our number one question. Like look at that fucking thing. It's shaped like a hot dog.

Yeah. Was that just for kicks a sheep, like a hot dog. Yeah. Was that just for kicks? Yeah. Right. Or God, or if God came down and he goes, I gave you guys wolves. I gave you the guys,

these big, beautiful fucking monsters. And you, and did the, did the gay guy, what did the gay guys do to the dogs? They were elegant. They could run so gracefully.

Look at this. What do you call it? A French bulldog trying unsanctified. It waddles to a couch and tries to jump on and falls on its back. It's almost like a turtle that you have to roll over once it's on its back. And it can't breathe. It snorts and has asthma. The French bulldogs literally die because their tracheas are too short

because their heads are shrunken. And you keep inbreeding the firehouse dog with the spots on it? The thing is so fucking stupid. Yeah. There's a reason why the queen has one of those dogs, because it's as inbred as the family is. Oh, they love their corgis, which are basically like fat Dalmatians, really fat, chunky Dalmatians. Yeah.

All right, anyway. All right, there you go. Yeah, a couple of notes. Really fat, chunky dalmatians. Yeah. All right, anyway. All right, there you go. Yeah, a couple of notes. Get high, write some notes. That's the life, Mike. We had some corrections this week, Wendy O'Brien. One correction all week from you guys. I love it.

Either we're getting sharp or you're getting lazy. I think, yeah, that's a toss-up. She said, correction for slacking co-hosts, McSorley's allowed women in the pub in 1970. Take it easy. Absolutely correct, Wendy O'Brien. She is correct. One thing she may not know, and I'm not correcting her, I'm adding to it, is they did allow women. It was by law. They were kind of sued. And I looked it up this week and I went back and I read the story, but this is what I forgot to include, which was true. And it was hysterical. So they allowed women also, they did not allow a phone in there for the longest time.

So guys could really disappear. And there was no public phone in the bar. So like the, and like wives couldn't call the bar. So anyway, then they, so they allowed women and they said, uh, great. Yeah. Come on in. And they're like, where's the ladies room? They're like, uh, there ain't no ladies room. So there was that. And there was no doors. Remember the shitty bathroom in the back? Giant urinals that looked like there was 700 pounds or more. Like up to your chest, those old school ones. Yeah. Marble, right?

And then, or this crazy heavy porcelain. By the way, I was in the airport yesterday and I went to the kid's urinal because I wanted my dick to seem bigger. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of an old move. I think everyone does that. Yeah.

And so, and no doors on the stalls, okay? So women have to sue again. They sue to get their own restroom. It doesn't end there. McSorley's makes one, I guess, out of some supply closet or whatever. But it's in the corner, and then they put an eight-top table in front of it. And then they put an eight top table in front of it. So every time a woman had to go, she'd have to ask a table full of men to move their table.

Yeah. So that went on for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, now women are allowed. Well, the Friars Club is the same way. There was no women were allowed to join the Friars Club until it was the nineties. I want to say it was the nineties before they were allowed to join.

And the rule was if you could, you could have a private club with only men, but you had to, you had to prove that no business was being conducted. If there was business being conducted, which there certainly was the the Ferraris Club, then women were being excluded from a business opportunity. So they had to be allowed in. That was a very smart device that all legal,

you know, all proceedings then went on. It happened in New York Athletic Club too. No women, no women. And like, it's a private club, it's a private club. So then the woman's lawyer goes, oh, great we're gonna audit totally cool we're gonna audit everyone just to clarify that no business is being done here you haven't written off anything and they're like come on in ladies come on yeah right right everything you want yeah um i am uh you know that on christmas night i'm going to be doing stand standup comedy in West Palm beach at the improv, right?

Yes. And I think your dad is coming. Well, we have to figure out, you tell me. So apparently you got a golden oldie show in one of them. Maybe you'll clean it up a little, do older humor. I'll do whatever it takes. Even they might've heard your old jokes before. What? I, you know, I, my mom said

she doesn't want to come because she doesn't want to sit with my kids and watch me be dirty, which was kind of hurtful. But that's fine. You're getting this feedback a lot, aren't you?

But I mean, look, my heroes are Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison and George Carlin. What am I? What am I? Fucking Seinfeld?

It's not who I am. Those guys talked about their wives farting on their penis. It was one of my first jokes ever. You didn't even have a life. That's how creative you were. Anyway, other shows coming up. Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I will be at the Stress Factory on December 30th and January 1st. New Brunswick, New Jersey Stress Factory for New Year's Eve. Come on down and celebrate the new year with me. Boston, Laugh Boston on January 13th through 15th. Portland, Helium on January

20th through 22th. Lexington, Kentucky, February 24th through 26th. Also just added a whole bunch of dates for the spring. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets. Come out and see some live comedy and say hi. Also, we sold out of the large mugs. If you got one of those, you're one of the lucky few.

Me and Mike did not even get any. Right. But we ordered a bunch. We reordered and we got the smaller mugs because people complained that shipping was too much. The shipping on this smaller mug is much less. They're maroon and they're 12 ounces. Same logo. It's beautiful.

Not too late to still get it for the holidays. Maroon was Greg's choice. Talk about maroon, Greg. What's wrong with maroon? Maroon's a very cool fucking color. Don't go negative. I was giving you an opportunity to go positive. I think it looks really good.

Why do you think it sucks? What was that defensive thing? We had a chat before the show when you were a little negative about the maroon. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Secret time. What's going on here? Do you want yours? You're not supposed to say that. Do you want yours? I got a bunch shipped

to me so that we could each have some. Speaking of secret time, so I have a secret to tell you that I've kept from you. Oh, boy. I have one of the original mugs. No, you don't. I do. How the fuck did you get it? I kind of, I promised the, I wouldn't talk about it, but, uh, let's just say

a married couple. How can I say this? Anyway, it didn't, something didn't work out and they wrote, and it was kind of funny saying, and now I have that and I'm not going to give that blah, blah, saying, and now I have that and I'm not going to give that blah, blah, blah. I got to keep it vague. But I felt so badly. I'm like, I will pay you back all your money. And they then came up with the idea. Well, you if you're going to pay, you can have my well, I'll pay for both shippings then and the mug. And so that transaction happened and a listener sent me their mug. And what did that cost you total to get your one mug? $1,100. It was in Antarctica.

And I'm stealing it next time I come over your apartment. Yes. So to tell you the truth, haven't even opened it. It came, you know, they know, they're shipped very well. The cardboard, they're wrapped tightly in cardboard. Yeah. The place knows what they're doing. Well, I'll tell you something, Mike.

Last week I made a prediction. We were talking about the UFC fights, and I told you that Oliveira was going to win in an upset, and I went to— And I should have bet with the house's money. So I went to MyBookie, which is our sponsor, but here's the deal. I signed up. I got $1,000. I put in an initial deposit of $1,000. They gave me another $1,000, and I have now made $600 in gambling.

Why didn't I do that? Use promo code PAPERS. And when you go to MyBookie today and place your bets, it's insane not to just get free money. You can bet on the UFC. You can bet on football, basketball. Everything that's out there is available on MyBookie. It's a great site. It available on MyBookie. It's a great site. It's actually MyBookie.ag.

But if you put it in MyBookie, it'll just pop up. I'm going to go to MyBookie. Can I bet how many NFL games are going to be canceled? Because the new strain. Oh, right. I know Cleveland got moved to Tuesday. The Rams. The Rams got moved to Tuesday.

20 plus cases. Yeah, I know. Jesus. This thing. All right. I think it would be really funny to play the games with the missing players and just see whose bench is deeper. It's also, talk about incentive to not get sick.

Right. Like a real, it's a survivor pool. Yep, exactly. i want to see the punter to take the field also i want to see the punter playing uh defensive linebacker okay here it is it's first down and uh with his 80 yard field goal attempt here he goes it's the third one of the it's just field goal competition yeah Yeah, right, right. Also, holiday season, it's the scramble. If you haven't gotten gifts yet, I got a slam dunk for you. Mack Weldon has the most comfortable quality.

They've got a— Dude, the sweatshirt? Sweatshirt. How soft is that thing? They sent us some stuff. I'm telling you, I've been wearing this sweatshirt every day. It's a zip-up hoodie that's thick and soft, and it's the coolest maroon, Mike.

I love it. I love maroon. It's a great color on you. They've got, you know, pajama pants. They've got underwear. They've got all the stuff that if you're chilly and you want to look good, Mack Weldon

is where you need to go. They've got a daily wear system that takes the hard work out of outfit planning with pieces designed to work together for any occasion. It's top-notch stuff. Best-selling bottoms.

Dude, the Ace line, the warm-knit collection, it's really, really cool. Yeah. Great gifts. Not too late. Get it in today. What's the other thing that they wanted me to mention? Well, the gift set. Oh, yeah, the gift set.

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That's W-E-L-D-O-N.com slash papers. Enter promo code PAPERS. That's MackWeldon.com slash papers promo code papers for 20 off mac weldon get it right this holiday season all right all right give me a crinkle mike give me a crinkle i listen we have choices i have a new york times in my hand and an la times now the la times crinkle it's not as heavy it's L.A. Times crinkle, it's not as heavy. It's a little vacuous and vapid. It's not as rich. It's not as deep. New York

Times, a little more gravity on the wrinkle. Which wrinkle should we start with? The New York Times is going to make your hands dirty. Yeah, do that one. Okay, here we go. Oh, yeah. You're the Pulitzers. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra!

Our girl, our girls in the news, Caitlyn Jenner. She'd been dining at the Beverly Hills Hotel for decades, but the historic venue just ascended to the top of her shit list after an incident involving, of all things, distressed denim. Oh, boy. She railed against the restaurant on her Instagram story, writing, fuck your horrible service for not letting me have lunch. Whoa, that's not ladylike.

Right. For not letting me have lunch with this tiny rip in my jeans. Shame on you. Disgusting. I've been a patron for decades. No longer. In response, the hotel referred to his dress code, quote, at the polo lounge, we encourage you to dress for the occasion so we ask that you refrain from wearing casual hats ripped denim crop tots tops nightmare nightwear swimwear and men's sleeveless shirts so is she transitioning again this time into a

15 year old girl from the 70s what's with the ripped denim also the polo lounge seemed to say like look what they're saying we ask you to refrain from wearing casual hats ripped denim nightwear nightwear men's sleeveless it's basically it's a layup for her it's like hey our rules basically just say don't dress like a dude like what's so fucking hard for you right you're the most famous non-dude in the world you have transitioned and you are you are given uh outfits from every major label everybody wants you to wear their shit and you're wearing torn jeans clothes yeah i mean seriously torn jeans what is that what fucking look is torn jeans it's a Kardashian

keep in mind that's the thing remember when she was on the cover it's like hey listen fine you became a woman did you have to become an incredibly tacky woman was that the only option but then look what family she's in does she have breast implants

uh I don't know. All right, here, I'll tell us. I don't think I've told this story. So I'm headwriting the Alec Baldwin roast. Which would be a very different roast at this point. Anyway, did you hear they subpoenaed his phone? For what?

They've been asking for his cell phone to find out more information. About Rust? About the shooting. Can't wait to see the shooting and he's refused right now that doesn't necessarily make him uh a bad guy uh i wouldn't want someone to have my cell phone you know what i mean for many reasons but just privacy and he said if you have a warrant i'll do it so they got a warrant and they got his phone wow i shouldn't say that they have a warrant for his phone. And I don't know if it's been handed over yet. I wonder if he's going to call his daughter a piggy again.

They're going to find that. Well, I wonder if he'll pull the American hero Tom Brady move. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, all the data has been professionally wiped. What? Why? Oh, I do that.

You know, I do that every two years. I just wipe everything on my phone. Sorry it coincided with this Deflategate investigation. Yeah. Oh, I do that every two years. I just wipe everything on my phone. Sorry it coincided with this Deflategate investigation. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Tom Brady. Fucking cheater. Jesus Christ. Anyway, whatever.

So she sat next to me, and she had these animal print flip-flops with these big man's athlete's foot. Not athlete's foot, but you know what I mean. She was, you know, at one time she was a man. I don't even know if I'm allowed to say that. And she was the, you know, the greatest athlete on the planet. And those feet don't age well from any like really major athlete. They're really beat up. So anyway, but, and in a crazy like short, it was like, what, what, what, what are dresses called? It's like a pantsuit, but they're shorts. Cool. So anyway, it's this crazy outfit where I do, she has boobs. I don't know if they're under her skin or not. I don't know if she stuffs her dress. I don't know. So she doesn't need shoulder pads. I'll tell you that much.

So anyway, she sits down next to me and we're going over jokes and it's a very, you know, it's a very, you know, it's a rough time because she's reading like as an example of a joke she'll read. One of them was like, like, look at me. Like, oh, like, you know, we established Kardashians were there. So it's like, look at me once again, just proving no one in my family likes white dick. So that was one of the jokes. Right. But you're like, is she going to walk out when she reads this next joke? She's six inches. Like, we're shoulder to shoulder because Joel sat me at the head of the table.

Anyway, her phone rings. She's like, oh, hold on. Reaches into her incredibly tacky purse, giant leather with fucking huge, you know, brand, like Gucci on it. Takes out her cell phone and then nudges me and goes, I don't need to get this. She's like, and he's like, ah, he's like, it's just my, um, she, she did. I, I didn't. Oh yeah. She, I don't know what she goes. I don't need to get this. It's just my airplane mechanic and puts the phone away. And I said out loud, you are, you are maybe the least relatable person I've

ever met in my life because we had already had jokes about how relatable, like, so I just, I called it back, but I meant it like, and I honestly think she is like, even for trans, it's so unrelatable to the rest of the trans community right right anyway she's a she's a unicorn and that's why you know she actually has the capacity to to create interesting content you know if she if she were to knock it off and stop being such a fucking wingnut like like these stunts you just just like write seriously about your life do it you know do a do a movie about your life that would be fascinating you're against gay marriage like what like there's just such a big blind spot like for the marginalized like do you it's because her struggle while there was one,

I think was much, in my opinion, smaller than, than 98% of the other trans people. Yeah. When you're that rich, you're getting the best advice, the best therapy, the best doctors, the best transition. You don't have to go to work. You don't have to hide it. You don't have to ask your job to put don't have to hide it. You don't have to ask your job to put in a unisex bathroom and get made fun of. And like, there's a million

things that were easier. There were also some things that were harder, but I mean, in terms of the struggle. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. All right. Uh, speaking of tits in a group of women in Maryland are trying to get the Supreme court to roll back a ban against topless sunbathing in a group of women in Maryland are trying to get the Supreme Court to roll back a ban against topless sunbathing in a small beach town. They petitioned the high court to review a law in Ocean City, Maryland that prohibits women, but not men, from sunbathing topless on its beaches.

Oh, God. So, suppose the ordinance defied nudity to include public exposure of women's hair, neck, shoulders, or ankles. Would that law not run afoul of equal protection clause? Good thing to be afraid of because all of it's happening all around us. That's right. It's a slippery slope. It's everywhere that they first allowed no nudity.

Soon they're not going to allow women to show their beautiful feet in a pair of flip-flops. That's coming. They're coming for your feet, ladies. You're going to have to cover your faces, just like in the Middle East. And, you know, Kavanaugh, this is going to the Supreme Court. I know Kavanaugh, Kavanaugh's a yes vote on the naked boobs. He's thinking, if only I could get Moondog and the Scooch on the court, this would be a slam dunk.

I think I have this right. Someone can fact check it and then correct us. But in one of the Hamptons, East Hampton or South Hampton, maybe South Hampton, men are not allowed to jog without a shirt on. Really? Yep. So there's your topless man.

Wow. A little against it. Wow. We were at the beach last summer. It was me, your brother-in-law, George, and Matt Malloy. And this girl shows up. No, you were such, it was perv, it was like a little perv campsite that you would, you would, you'd pitch your umbrellas and perv out.

You'd take pictures. Yeah, I would. And send them to me somebody would not enough yeah yeah this girl shows up she proceeds to put down a blanket and lay completely nude on the beach and she was smoking i didn't get that picture and and we were it was right there and then she would stand up she would rub lotion lotion. It was insane. It was like, where do you think you are? This is Venice Beach. And it was a quiet day. So there weren't a ton of people. But then this guy shows up who looked like he just got sprung from jail.

He was like he was like an archetype. His hair was like gelled back. He had on like dance clothes. He looked like he'd been arrested fighting in a bar or a nightclub and spent a week and had just gotten out. And he started circling the girl, like walking right around her and staring at her. It was so fucking weird. That's his wife. He's freaking out. And we did nothing.

Surprise, honey. I'm out. I got out today. And look at you, you whore. Look at you look at you so in Vegas a man wearing a clown mask plowed a limousine through fences and gates

at Las Vegas' McCarran International Airport last week with the goal of stealing a jet and to fly into Area 51 so he could see the extraterrestrials rumored to be held at the secretive military base. Quote, I have a fucking bomb. I'm going to blow this place up, he allegedly told aviation officials.

When the police arrived, they stopped the vehicle as he was trying to steal the jet to see the aliens. He had a gasoline device and shotgun in his car. I think an hour earlier he was at Carrot Top's show at Deluxer. All right. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you put a clown mask on and drive a limousine through an international airport's fence to hijack a plane to go to see aliens. Yeah. That's not going to stay in Vegas. It just won't.

There are limits. This sounds like they made The Hangover Part 5. That's how far they would have to push it in Hangover 5. Now, why the clown mask? Now, I have a feeling you're hijacking a plane. I don't think it's to elude, you know, the police. Is it to confuse the aliens? Are the aliens going to be like, whoa, what's that?

Yeah, yeah. We got to take this guy. He wants to get taken. He wants to be abducted. So he's trying to look as fun as possible. And maybe he wore it because, like, you know what? I could just plead like I went crazy, like I was off my meds or something, so I'll wear a clown mask. You don't need it, buddy.

Your whole plan. Everyone knows you're crazy. Yeah, yeah. You've achieved crazy. Yeah, you're gilding the lily here when you put the clown mask on. Yeah. A landlord in New Jersey was a real pervert. He agreed to pay $4.5 million in damages.

That's a lot of money. Okay. To resolve a lawsuit alleging he demanded sexual favors from tenants and applicants so they could keep or receive housing. Joseph Cantani, who owns hundreds of rental units in and around Elizabeth. All right, Elizabeth. So they weren't the best looking tenants. Allegedly violated the Fair Housing Act by subjecting tenants and applicants to sexual harassment for 15 years. He would touch them, make sexual comments and offer reduced rent in exchange for sexual favors.

So this is illegal. All of my landlords did this oh no you're not supposed to do that Mike I'm not the landlord man I don't what if it's mutual what if it's consensual yeah

alright listen to move in you're going to need first month last month security and deez nuts in dat mouth hey now and that's in the contract on Sunday papers. Our first D's nuts. Yeah, I know. Why not? I guess it would make you a little less likely to call the landlord about a leaky pipe. You know,

when you know that his pipe is going to have to get leaky too. I mean, I, I just assume this happened all the time and i don't know i bet some of the tenants aren't complaining about it i don't know man it's half off rent that month if you like you know do something for the guy yeah i mean it's i guess horrible if you're against it but what if you're for if you're for it it But what if you're for it? If you're for it, it sounds like a good plan, especially when you've got hundreds of units. I mean, that guy that guy could stay busy. Also, wait, let me read this here. It's subjecting tenants. So wait, what is it? He's exploiting them? He would take them to empty apartments, empty laundry rooms or storage rooms,

and he'd ask for massages, demand oral sex, and force people to touch him sexually. If they submitted to his demands, he allowed them to move in or keep their housing. If they did not submit, he would refuse to rent to them or evict them. So this guy was playing hardball. I think you erased, when I read the first read the story, there was something in there where the state had articulated that it was exploiting tenants who had like fallen on financial times and they're trying to avoid that. Well, so is high rent. Yeah. In other words, it's high rent no matter

how you slice it. You're paying one way or the other. You're being exploited one way or the other. Wait, are you defending this guy? Well, I'm just saying like, uh, a lot of people are with someone because of the financial stability. A lot of people have made a deal with themselves that they will be with someone because there's also a financial benefit. Right? In life. Right. I bet this messed up. Listen, all the unwanted things, I'm not talking about those.

But I bet this really messed up some arrangements that were copacetic. Yeah. Just saying. Just saying. Yeah. All right. Maybe not just say. Oh.

Okay. All right. Let's talk about Indians. Let's move on to Indians. A Connecticut school board member was slugged in the face by an angry parent Tuesday night during a debate on the future of Glastonbury High School's Native American-inspired mascot. The dust-up between the parent and the board secretary took place during a recess after tempers flared about the Glastonbury Tomahawks' name, which was changed last year to the Glastonbury Guardians.

The school's team logos were also switched from a Tomahawk which many found offensive to a knight's helmet cell phone video recorded by bass bystanders uh showed finocario 53 confront the 57 year old mcfall standing nose to nose with the former marine corps officer when mcfall gently pushed finocario away finocario responded by punching McFall, who immediately dropped to the floor. He McFell. Finocchario had an advantage because, A, he's Italian, and, B, the other guy's name is McFall.

I'd rather you curse and be dirty. I think they should have had to fight with, like, tomahawks wearing night helmets. And, yeah, big headdresses and that sort of thing. Yes, yes. Well, man, the guy made the mistake. When you have a maniac, he's dying for you to touch him. Yes.

He wants that will officially be the first. By the way, in Texas, he could have shot him. That's right. He would have felt scared. He would have screamed something about, I'm afraid for my life, and then shot him right through the head. Right, right. Stan, he would have stood his ground, as they say. Yeah.

So I guess, I don't know where Glastonbury, Connecticut. I feel like I've been there. It's right next to the Indian Casino. Oh, it is. Okay. No,? I feel like I've been there. It's right next to the Indian Casino. Oh, it is? Okay. No, I'm joking. I don't know. It's, I don't know.

All right. It's next to the reservation. All right, let's go down to entertainment, Mike. Oh, wait a minute. Here we go. We talk about what we've been watching, and I have gotten into the show Sex Education. I heard it's really good.

It's so good. I can't wait to watch it. It's high school kids in England, and just the characters are really interesting. There's some really good acting, and it's sexy. It's a very, you know, there's some really good acting and it's sexy. It's sexy as hell. I have a lot to watch. All the movies, people should write in what their, people should write in their top three movies of the year because, you know, I don't know, is Gucci in there or whatever it is? Is it Gucci? What's the one?

House of Gucci, right? House of Gucci, I think, yeah. Anyway, and that Western one with Cumberbatch. So, anyway, people should write in the top three because I have no idea. I haven't seen any movies this year. I haven't seen any of these. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen shit.

Okay, so you love the movie Sideways. Yeah, Owen thinks it's his favorite movie now. Sophie was home. We reached day 11, and we were free to be in the same room. We had dinner at home here, and she's like, let's watch a movie. She's like, I'll watch whatever you want to watch.

I'm like, all right. You know what's oddly on my list? I haven't seen it since Sideways. We started watching. let's watch a movie. She's like, I'll watch whatever you want to watch. I'm like, all right. You know what's oddly on my list? I haven't seen it since it's sideways. We started watching. Here's how it went. 25 minutes in, I apologized for how slow it was. And I said, I think this gets a lot better. I remember it getting better.

And then at 35 minutes, I turned to say, do you want to? And she was asleep. No shits. Yep. And I was like, ah, let's move this along a little bit. Yeah, you guys, you must have been in a weird mood or something because that movie consistently is on people's top of their lists. This is as far as we got.

We got to, they were about to go on the first date like they had had the wine tasting right they had already stopped at the mom's they had already stopped to pick him up so it's a road trip movie yeah they're already there and uh we'll see but you know and then i brought it up with our good buddy and actor Matt Malloy and his lovely wife, Cass. And I brought that story up and they're like, I was never a fan. And this is Matt who was in Election. Like he's in sideways like movies. Right, right.

Independent movies that have been like, you know, sort of, you know, pretty well done. You might have overhyped it. It's possible you overhyped it. Who overhyped it? Well, that you that it was overhyped it. It's possible you overhyped it. Who overhyped it? Well, that it was overhyped to you. And then you watched it and it just fell short because you were waiting for some explosive. It's a mood movie. It's a vibe movie.

But I will say something like, you know, what we talked about, then Matt and I talked about movies where, especially if you're watching it like with a younger person or someone who's never seen it before anyway, older movies are like, God, the pacing is so much slower. Yeah. But I'll say that movie Breaking Away, it's a tight, I think it's less than an hour and a half. It is a great movie that holds up on sideways. All right, I'll finish sideways.

I'll give it a chance. All right, finish it up. Finish it up. Billie Eilish has just spoken she was howard stearns had some big crossover interviews this week big time he if he had billy eilish and he had uh neil young he had neil young but really ben affleck i mean these were all front page stories in entertainment sites and magazine. This is he's getting some he's doing some good interviews. So he gets them to really speak candidly, as always.

So Billie Eilish talked about an addiction to watching pornography that started at age 11 and gave her nightmares and messed her up when she started dating. Quote, I think porn. I think porn is a disgrace. I used to watch a lot of porn, to be honest. I started watching porn when I was 11. I think it destroyed my brain, and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn. And she found it violent and abusive. The first few times, you know, I had sex,

I was not saying no to things that were not good. It was because I thought that's what I was supposed to be attracted to. Now, I love when people talk this way. Anytime people talk this way, they're talking about anal. That's it. I mean, just say it. Just say anal. People always go like, wow, she's down for anything.

If anybody says that, anal. That's it. Hey, honey, want to do something really crazy tonight? Come on, let's get crazy in the bedroom. Anal. I'm open to whatever. You might as well just say it. Yeah.

You want to try something new? Yeah, oh, yes, I do. Yes. Say no more. Right. Like, literally, say no more. Like, don't say stop. Don't say no. Don't don't say stop don't say no don't say this was a bad idea and don't say anal we never say it we just do it uh because when you say no it means

no let's just be safe here on the podcast all right um unfortunately did you so did you hear some of the details though this is not a joke So she was really honest, and it started at 11, but the porn she was attracted to was, like, brutal. Oh, really? Like, real, I think, shaming and violent. Oh. And so that's what set her up for her first encounters where she tolerated too much.

Oh, yeah. And I think it's a form and I'm probably wildly wrong with this, but I bet it's under the banner and related to, you know, how like cutting is especially so popular with, you know, uh, women, young women, especially. And it's, it's for, you know, I don't know what I'm talking about. That's the banner this is all under. But it's like, you know, an inability to feel in some cases or that's how they're feeling. Anyway, I think this was in the same vein maybe a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. And it gave her nightmares. She had nightmares about it. Oh, I heard she had nightmares. Anyway, nightmares also? Yeah, she had nightmares. That's awful. She had nightmares.

And I also, as a teenager, had nightmares about porn. The nightmare was that I wouldn't be able to find more porn. I would wake up. That's what validated our darling Billie Eilish. Hey, did you see her performances on Saturday Night Live? Yes. I think wildly impressive. Very impressive.

She goes for it. She gets the theatrics. She gets, I mean, it was explosive, which was good because I think some people find her to be just like, all she does is that like breath singing and that kind of bothers people. So that's what the song started at and then she just exploded it was great here's what would have put it over in a good way over the top for me uh so she sang to not i don't know the right term she didn't she sang to track but intentionally like harmonizing, right? Like she, her voice was, I think behind her too.

And especially in the giant end where I think her voice is layered. But I think they could have in her that big song. I think they could have, when she got to that huge part, it's a little cliche, but curtain drops choir. And the choir is backing her, you know what I mean? Right. And singing along with her. And the choir could have even been eight women. It could have to be a giant church choir.

But I think that would have been really powerful. Yeah. And very much in the Christmas spirit. The whole thing was lit for Christmas. I think it could have really worked. Right, right. Well. Yeah, Billy, should have called me first.

Should have called him uh all right we talked about ben affleck so he uh took a shot at his ex-wife jennifer garner claiming quote part of why i started drinking was because i was trapped in his marriage uh jen is not happy with what he said she said that uh she said that she wouldn't have used that phrase or even opened up publicly like that. It was disrespectful. I think a friend said that, yeah, that she, yeah. The Argo star even brought the former couple's three children

into the situation by saying they were what kept him in an unhappy marriage, causing him to start drinking. Ben, 49, pinning his drinking problem on his marriage seemed like an odd place to go as the actor checked into rehab in Malibu in 2001 for alcohol abuse, long before his 2005 wedding to Jennifer Garner. He also blamed her for him doing Jiggly, Pearl Harbor. Jilly. Jilly, Pearl Harbor, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. He said those were all her fault, the marriage.

Mallrats alone. If I did Mallrats, I'd probably have alcohol delivered to the house at 9 a.m. like he did. Right, right, right. He also blamed his marriage for his annoying Boston accent and that it kept him from fucking Mac Damon, which is all he's ever really wanted to do. I think that's the partnership he's trying to drink himself out from under. Maybe. Dude, I heard the interview on Stern.

He did not come off well. He kept naming executives that had done him wrong, and he was very spiteful. He talked about how he basically got laughed out of the business after doing a few bad movies, and he couldn't get work, which was interesting. And then he got his way back into the business through directing, which is all interesting.

But with the amount of resentment, the kind of tough guy Boston attitude was unappealing. I did hear, though, that this blaming on the marriage was, for what it's worth, was taken out of context. In other words, that he really did say some incredibly nice things about her and how unbelievably supportive she was. Well, she famously drove him to rehab after they were divorced. Yeah. Yeah. But a publicist said, you know what would be a good look on you, Jen?

Drive him. I know you don't want to. Just do it. I'll make sure the story gets out. He's like, well, if I do that, I'd really want to keep it private. No, no. Yeah. You got, trust me, I'll have TMZ on the corner. You have to drive. It's like, well, if I do that, I'd really want to keep it private. No, no. Yeah. You got,

trust me, I'll have TMZ on the corner. You have to drive. It's out of the way. We'll find an excuse. But you got on the way to passages in Malibu, you got to drive by Robertson and Doheny. Yeah. Yeah. Stop it in and out burger. We'll have some people on the inside. Yeah. Yeah. That sums up LA. You have to get credit for all the good things you do it's los angeles yeah i gotta go into rehab get some good press yeah then do you want to do this music news i've lost confidence in this bit okay let's drop it but i will say the news was interesting. This garbage bag had human remains in it in Cleveland in 1982, unsolved. And it was solved this week. And it was one of the members of the OJs who were in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which in addition to the bag full of his parts is also in Cleveland. So anyway, I wrote a, maybe we'll do this bit another time,

but let's keep it moving. Okay. Let's do some Florida, man. Why don't you read it, Mike, just to make it seem like you contributed. I have a giant bit about a body in a bag. A substitute teacher at a Florida high school has been arrested and charged with sexual battery after officials said she had sex with a student enrolled there and a video of the act was allegedly posted on social media. I checked like crazy. I couldn't find it anywhere, by the way.

Ayanna Davis, 20, well now. Hey now. Was taken into the custody on December 10th after a student told Lakeland Police Department. Lakeland? Is that where the shooting was? Oh, shit. All right, anyway. The officers were told that a video had been circulating on Snapchat showing Davis and a Lakeland High School student engaging in sex.

The detectives said Davis admitted she had, quote, unprotected sex with a student. You know, I think she's missing the point when she's like, okay, it was unprotected. That's what she puts the focus on. Yeah. Right. Um, she had unprotected sex with the student who's reported to be 16 years of age or younger. Hey, now she had sex with him four times,

twice at his house and twice at her house, and the account aligned with what the victim said happened. You know, substitute teachers usually aren't given much of a chance when they come in, you know, and do a class. It sounds like this 20-year-old Ayanna Davis was given a little bit of a chance when she came in. Yeah, they really embraced her. And, you know, it's hard also for these subs to come in

and catch up with whatever the teaching plan was. And it was really cool of the students to let her know, oh, it's sex ed week. We're doing sexual education every day this week. So stay focused on that i think she kind of saw that kid in the class and kind of loosened up maybe took off her bulletproof vest and uh showed a little skin yeah yeah under the helmet i know if you if you're in florida and you get a 20 year old female teacher it It's going down. It's Florida.

Give me a fucking break. These kids were slashing the tires on their real teacher's car every morning to make sure that this substitute kept coming in. What is the bar of entry to be a substitute teacher? 20 means you're not even great. You haven't graduated college. Right. Undergrad. Yeah.

Yeah. Or maybe you haven't even gone at You haven't graduated college. Right. Undergrad. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe you haven't even gone at all. That's amazing. Yeah. Who? Oh, man. I think we're going to start hearing about you always hear about student shootings. What about teacher shootings? Those are going to start down there. Did you find any pictures of this woman? No, I did not. I bet i bet yeah i bet you're right you could i was looking for the video all right i gotta find a photo i gotta see what she looks like all right you want me to keep reading this as you look are we going watch out international section

oh she's african-american why are you surprised i shouldn shouldn't be. I am too, by the way. I am too. I totally had a white brunette in mind. That's what it usually is, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know why I had that in mind. Wait, let me see. Did her name tip me off? Ayanna Davis. Nothing about her name

tipped me off. I don't know what it was. Maybe that's what I want. Huh. You know. I don't know what it was. Maybe that's what I want. Huh. You know? Yeah. Well, 20. I don't know if Lakeland is the same one with the shooting took place that maybe Chris Denman can get off his ass and research that for us. Yeah. I think it had Lake in the title, but I mean, so many places in Florida do. Yeah. All right. Thank God you're done. Now you will. I'll wait for Chris to write something in here. You're going to go because just the name of this first this first international story. Boy. Go ahead. You. Well, we've said farts it says farts oh farts okay international farts i already did the paper oh you did sorry i'm a little distracted i love i'm sorry i love

the fucking teacher sleep with the student stories i just it's like zach's joke how did you heard that guy died who was having sex with his teacher? He got high-fived to death. No, you and Zach love rape jokes. I get it. All right, here we go. Chris Depp is writing. Parkland is what you were thinking of. Oh, Parkland. Yeah, not Lakeland.

Lakeland. It's Parkland. All right. Park, Lake, these rapes. Thanks, Chris. And violence are happening everywhere in Florida, no matter what land it is. Well, in the land of... Internacional?

Internacional. Internacional. Stephanie Matto, who starred on the TV series 90 Day Fiance, revealed her very lucrative and very stinky side hustle selling her farts in a jar. I'm not picturing a sexy brunette for this one. I'm picturing a dirty blonde. The former reality star has posted multiple videos on TikTok about her fart sharing. Her first one has 6.6 million views.

And she explains what she ingests to make the perfect containable, sellable fart. Beans, a protein muffin, yogurt. We really need to hear this? I think we could guess. Hard-boiled eggs. She loves to read

while waiting for those farts to develop before unleashing them into a jar. She adds a couple flower petals to really attach the scent, which apparently is strongest in the first couple days. And then she drops a note in the jar as well. I assume she ships to Germany? All right. You're going to get a jar with rose petals in it?

There's not going to be a fart smell in that thing? Huh? in it there's not going to be a fart smell in that thing huh we i had a uh me and bill burr and al madrigal had an idea and we worked on it for two years to start a comedy website and we got the url fartyard.com and we were going to have it house we were going to just have comedians load videos on it. People do their podcasts on it. And so Fart Jar was a real thing. People would fart in jars, and it really does hold the smell for a while. You know, listeners are going there to that domain name right now. Do you guys still own it?

Maybe Stephanie Mato bought it. I think Al bought it, so I don't know if he still has it. Those guys ended up starting a special thing. Is that what it's called? All Things Comedy? All Things Comedy, yeah, they did that. ATC. So, all right, I don't think this made it to air,

but when we did the Tosh.0 pilot, we ended the pilot with Cake Fart Girl. So Cake Fart Girl was a thing we found. And by we, I mean me. So there was a woman who would make cakes with a nice icing layer on top. And then naked. She would sit on them. You didn't see any nudity though. I don't think somehow like she would maybe hold her breast or something and you'd see her from the side,

but Oh no, maybe there was tremendous amount of nudity. Now I'm thinking about, but she would sit on the cakes and fart. Nice. So the end of the episode was, well, congratulations on our first show.

We did it. And then I tried to fly in Cake Fart Girl. And we were going to wheel out the cake. And she was going to fart on it. But instead, we just showed the video. But as I said, that got changed before it went to air. We reshot the pilot. But Cake Fart Girl was a big thing in 2009 yeah i guess

i farted on stage last night in san jose and i blame the crowd should be a song title it's i left my wallet in el segundo and i farted on stage yeah it's Jose. And it was a real sulfuric. It was way stronger than I thought it would be. It got away from me. It got away from me? Did you eat fast food on the way up? I have a piece of brie in my office. And so before I flew out yesterday,

I was eating brie in my office. Okay. And everybody smelt it. And I go, who the fuck farted? And everybody was dying of laughter because they thought I was calling out an audience member. And it was me the whole time. Did they eventually know it was you? Nope. If they listen to the podcast, they will. That's even funnier. Yeah. In North Korea, this is a funny story. A new report from a human rights group has found North Korea has publicly executed at least seven people for watching or distributing K-pop videos in the last decade. And let me just say this. There was a story about them executing a guy who had a video of Squid Squid Games.

And people go, oh, that's propaganda. This comes from verified sources corroborated by a lot of different North Koreans who escaped. Kim Jong-un has called K-pop a vicious cancer, complaining that South Korean culture was corrupting North Koreans, quote, attire, hairstyles, speeches, behaviors. The families of those being executed were often forced to watch the execution. I got to say, for once, I am in lockstep with Kim Jong-un on this one. And Dennis Rodman. You think K-pop's a vicious case? By the way, I don't think cancer needs a modifier like vicious. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. If you read the sentence, Kim Jong-un called K-pop a cancer. Yeah. Complaining. Kim Jong-un called K-pop a vicious cancer. It's almost weaker. Yeah. Yeah.

I called Dennis Gubbins a cancer when we were playing volleyball one day. Do you remember that? Yeah. He was being such a pain in the ass. I was like, Dennis, you're like a cancer. And I meant it kind of as a joke, but it fell flat, and everybody got really uncomfortable. It was really harsh.

So it didn't fall flat. It sounded like it landed hard. It landed hard. A vicious pox upon your house. Yeah. See, Shakespeare knew. Is that Shakespeare? I think it is. You just needed pox. your house. Yeah. See, Shakespeare knew. Is that Shakespeare? I think it is.

He just needed pox. You don't need vicious. By the way, I have very little doubt that Kim Jong-un does not dance in his underwear, alone in his bedroom, singing K-pop into a fucking comb. I guarantee it. I bet his Wikipedia page is being changed right now to say he invented K-pop. Yeah. How about this?

Why doesn't he start NK-pop? North Korean pop. Ah, there you go. Should I call Rodman and say NK-pop? It's right in front of your face. Right, right. That, too, can be a vicious cancer. Why not have two cancers coming out of that island?

Speaking of sports. Yes. Oh, here. We're going to do sports. I'm going to wrinkle. I'm going to wrinkle. I'm a little weird. I'm going to wrinkle the business section for sports.

Oh, boy. There it is. Okay. Okay. you Mike Gibbons after 15 weeks in the NFL are down for the first time you were way the fuck up our bet with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers with the spread last week Buffalo was getting three points, but they lost by six. Do you know how they goddamn lost? How? All right, first of all, I watched the highlights, which were long.

It was like eight minutes of—it was a long thing I found. So it was like I was watching the game, and I wanted to punch my phone. First of all, I don't follow football. This Buffalo quarterback is awesome. Yeah. He's amazing. Oh my God. Can you run? Yeah. He just takes charge. He was, he, he willed this game into overtime. Yeah. So Gregory it's in overtime and they're going down the field. And even all the announcers are like uh he tom is his whole goal get him within obviously get him within field goal range field goal range field oh they're they're almost in field goal range which would have made it a three-point game and i would have

been up a hundred bucks instead or no i would have been up 50, I guess, or whatever. Why do you have minus 30? You're down $30. Oh, I was up 20. Right, right, right, right, right. So I would have been up 70. Instead, I'm down 30. Yep.

And it's because reception, six points, killed me. Yeah. Unbelievable. And the guy could have been tackled, too. Oh, I forgot to write down who they're playing next week. Not to sound like Dennis Gubbins, who not only steals vaccines from people, but from minorities and more deserving souls out there. But he also blames every loss or game that doesn't go his way on the reffing.

Oh, does he? There were two calls in this. Oh, yeah. He claims he doesn't even watch sports anymore. There were two calls in this. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He claims he doesn't even watch sports anymore. There were two calls in this game that went Tom's way, and both on pass interference. It drove me. I felt like Gubbins.

I immediately want to go out and just beat a minority. Just start punching. With a putter after missing a putt. Just start punching for no reason some poor Mexican woman who's waiting at the bus stop just because it fucking reps. Yeah, yeah. Tampa Bay is giving 12 points to New Orleans this week.

So you could have some money coming your way on that one. You think they're going to play that game? Oh, that's right. On Sunday? You think it'll get postponed? I don't know, man. It's spreading like wildfire.

Chris, is the game canceled already or no? They're rescheduling a ton of games. It's hard to keep track of it. Are they going to create another MMA island?

Who knows? They won't because they'll be called weak. But apparently you're giving away 12 now, not 10.5. 12, yeah. That's what I just said. Oh, sorry. I was reading the script where it says 1-0-5 Oh, there you go

I don't know where I came up with that 12, alright, there you go Oh, interesting, in your favor Oh, it was, I had written it down No, it probably opened there It changed, it's gone higher And that's my logic They set a spread based on data And then everyone bets on pretty boy cheater.

And so they have to, you know, increase it because they need the equal money on the other side. So that would make it always a good bet, but it doesn't seem to be going that way, Mike. Because the goddamn roughs. Oh, where's that Mexican woman I got to beat? Let's do some science. You got it. Okay. A mother gave birth to, you ready for the name?

A Tesla baby this week while driving on autopilot. Keating Sherry was driving a Tesla, which comes with autopilot, allowing him to focus on delivering his daughter as his wife was in labor. His wife's contractions were a minute apart as they sat in rush hour traffic. The newborn was already out by time the two reached the hospital. Nurses immediately rushed to the scene where they cut the umbilical cord right in the car, the report said. So if anyone wants a gently used Tesla, it's a low miles and it comes with the placenta package.

Too cheap. Yeah. Red it cheap. Yeah. Red leather seats. Tesla's new ad campaign for the self-driving car. If you can deliver a baby while driving this car, you can definitely make a baby while driving this car. Hey now. That should be the poster.

Yeah. Yeah. The Tesla charging stations now have heated incubators and diaper changing stations. That is definitely going to be a douchey baby. If you're born in a Tesla, a self-driving Tesla. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're right.

How were you born? What hospital? I was found floating down a river in a little straw basket. Oh. Yes. I don't like bragging about it. It's a weird brag, obviously. Well, it's a humble brag because, you know, it was like not a great basket.

But I was kind of revered, to say the least. Yeah. And I led people out of the desert and stuff. Yeah. And it's so cool that you don't bring that up that you just kind of live a life of a guy who's uh you know just kind of a struggling divorced single guy and then well i identify as that yeah right you know and so no one can question it yeah um the uh you did we already did the business section oh no you did you let's skip no i just

crinkled up but do we want to do this what is let's go to this day in history all right here we go hold on wait wait i found it here it is this day in history 1777 december 19th ge, George Washington leads troops into winter quarters at Valley Forge. As the commander of the Continental Army, the future first president leads his bleaker troops in. Things could hardly have been bleaker for Washington. The British had successfully occupied Philadelphia, leading some members of Congress to question Washington's leadership abilities. No one knew better than Washington that the army was on the brink of collapse. He had defied Congress's demand that he launch a midwinter attack against the British at Philadelphia

and instead fell back to Valley Forge to rest and refit his troops. That was starving. Though he had hoped to provide his weary men with more nutritious food and badly needed winter clothing congress had been unable to provide money for fresh supplies that was mansion and his west virginia he wouldn't pass it that christmas eve the troops dined on a meal of rice and vinegar and were forced to bind their bleeding frostbitten feet with rags we have experienced little less than a famine in camp, Washington wrote to Patrick Henry.

Desperate to keep the army intact, Washington tried to stem desertion by resorting to lashings as punishment and then threatening to shoot deserters on sight. For those soldiers who remained with him, Washington expressed deep gratitude and awe. He described men marching without clothes, blankets, or shoes, leaving bloody trails in the snow, who displayed patience and obedience,

which in my opinion can scarce be paralleled. It's kind of like your theory of how to fight someone. You take off all your clothes. That's right, and get an erection. Nobody wants to fight a guy with an erection. Makes people uncomfortable. That's right. And get an erection. Nobody wants to fight a guy with an erection. Makes people uncomfortable. That's how he defeated the British.

Oh, the British are coming? Wait till you see my guys. My guys are bleeding and naked. You want to touch that shit? They probably got all kinds of fucking diseases. You don't want to fight a bloody guy. This is a good little detail, by the way. It's a way to get out of like a very elaborate

expensive christmas eve meal yeah uh just serve rice and vinegar and say we are going to pay tribute to the troops that created this country with the founding fathers their general this is what they ate in 1777 right right yeah mean, that should be a side dish. I mean, we got to remember that, that this country, I mean, what these fucking troops went through. Can you, like, I'm in San Jose. It got down to 37 degrees last night, and I was acting like such a bitch that I had to walk seven minutes

from the club to the hotel. These guys have no shoes on, and they're trudging through snow, eating fucking rice and vinegar, and not getting paid. There's no... The fucking... They never got paid, and they're doing it for an ideal.

And a lot... Listen, I don't know the stats on this, but a lot of America wasn't so hot on this idea. Like some people were benefiting from English rule. Right. Sure. A lot of people were benefiting from English rule. Sure.

So there was also that it wasn't like a slam dunk. Yeah. I'm reading a book right now about Napoleon because I realized i knew nothing about napoleon and i mean he he led this attack into the alps against the austrians in winter and it was the same thing they had no fucking shoes but they surprised them because nobody since um uh who's the who is the general going back fucking a thousand years whoever hannibal? Hannibal. Hannibal was the only one who had done this route before, and he surprised the Austrians, and he fucking annihilated it. And this was pulling...

Oh, wow. This was pulling... This is like his first... He had gone into Egypt, dragging these fucking, you know, two-ton cannons through the sand on wheels that were sinking into the sand. And they would march for fucking days. And then they left that, and then they immediately headed up to Austria to go through the snow.

It's fucking crazy what troops do, man. Hey, man, troops are crazy. But it's so funny,oleon like you know does all that you know an unbelievable leader and uh like you know infamous obviously but and really what we know is like oh he was short yeah right right i know like that's the that's the tag on this guy i know meanwhile he spoke like seven languages he was like a learned scholar he was really brilliant he was a brilliant guy. Where'd he go? Elba? Am I remembering that correctly? Where was he?

Yeah. No, I'm probably not remembering correctly. I have a vague notion that as part of a strategy, Russia retreated when the Germans were on the attack, but it was a rope-a-dope. Again, I might be wrong. No, that's exactly what the Russians did. Yeah. And they deeper, deeper, deeper. They brought them closer to the city. Yeah, let's play an hour yard

and see how you do in a Russian winter. Exactly. They did that to the Germans, but they had already done that to Napoleon. Yeah, that's their classic strategy is to keep retreating and then surround well yeah apparently yeah you didn't even have to do much they were all starving and freezing to death right right jesus um yeah you think there'll ever be another war like that like a ground war between troops i don't know but i brought up on the podcast uh in

the last few weeks imagine a draft in this selfish country at this point where it's me me me me me right are you kidding me yeah no one i'm that people won't even listen to their country when they say hey it's a law to wear a mask what go fuck yourself my freedom imagine if you're like you're getting on a boat and going to fucking fight another country like what yeah yeah i mean vietnam there was a million troops a million troops were sent that's fucking crazy no, every neighborhood lost kids. Yeah, right. I mean, my dad and uncle would talk about the Bronx was decimated.

Yeah. So many people from the neighborhood, like so many families lost a son. Dude, you ever been to Indianapolis? They have fucking war memorials. The whole downtown is just a series of war memorials. For some reason, people from Indiana fight wars. They go, you know, it's like a proud thing. It's their heritage that they all go and fucking die in battle.

It's crazy. Trumpstown, not one memorial. Yeah, right. They have a memorial to like bone spurs, I think. Because they lost a couple of precious days or weeks to some of the local boys, some of their sons, their native sons who got bone spurs. Yeah, they couldn't get a caddy. They had to carry their own bag for two years.

Yep. Let's do some letters to the editor. Oh, wait. Let me get that section. Hold on. There it is. These are fresh wrinkles, man. Okay.

This comes from John Favaro in Brunswick, Maine, who sent us- We love this guy. We love this guy. He's a friend of the show, and he sent us a photo. He ordered the new mug. Happy holidays, John. Happy holidays, John. Shipping all the way to the frozen north woods of Maine was only $8 with the new mug.

Thank you. Oh, man. Look at that. That's cheaper than a lot of the drinks at Starbucks. And then David Goldfarb said, since you said you were playing some shows at the Palm Beach Improv, I decided to buy my mom a couple tickets. Here we go. This is what I was talking about.

Go ahead. For your Sunday, December 26th show, since she lives in Boca Raton and loves comedy. She also happens to run a website that lets people know what things are going on in South Florida. Wow. She's excited to go to the show. She's advertised your three shows on her website.

And I went and she had it listed. It was very nice. Does she also write about 20-year-old teachers raping the students? That's in Florida. That's what's going on in Florida. I know. We've got to start using her as a resource for Florida, man. I like that.

I think we should. All right. So I'm going to have to be very clear. That's going to be my clean show, the 26th. Also, I thought you and Mike might find it interesting that a pair of the original blue Sunday Papers mugs are selling for $1,000 on eBay. What? Yep. I looked it up.

It's on there. There's two of them for $1,000. It said discontinued color blue rare exclamation point. What? Wait a minute. That's crazy. Why should they make more on two cups than we're making on all the ones we're selling? Yeah.

What if we signed it? Oh, that's a nice idea. And filled it with coffee before we shipped it. That's really funny, by the way. It's $1,000 on eBay, but signed $250. That's like that thing at the contest. The winner gets two nights

in Atlantic City. Second place, three nights in Atlantic City. Yeah. Then, this one comes from Yvonne Kelly. I enjoyed the Sunday papers with you and Mike. It's the best part of Sunday morning.

A couple weeks ago, Mike seemed disappointed in his contributions to the show. Please tell him he was really good. You both are always good. Today's show was so interesting talking about the Beatles. Unfortunately, I don't subscribe to the Disney channel, so I won't be watching it anytime soon. Is this signed Janet?

That's my mom's name. What's going on here? Go ahead. Well, she just wanted to say that you were doing a good job. Oh, man. Yvonne, that's so sweet. Yeah. I think now I turn on Yvonne.

I think she's wrong, though. I really I did not do well that show. I think I remember. I'm pretty honest when i uh uh anyway god thank you yvonne well you weren't sure if you had taken ritalin before today's show because right here but i think i took one i think you did take it it seems like your energy is very good today it's very very up soon it's just gonna be like there's lines of cocaine all over the house and i'm'm like, did I do though?

I thought I did them. Yeah. I do them in the bathroom already. Yeah. Um, uh, this is funny. Let's do the obituaries.

Oh, I got that section right here. Dead people. I see dead people. And that's all folks. Uh, people have enjoyed reading the entertaining words of Andy Curran used to salute his late mother, Renee Mandel Curran. So this guy wrote an obituary about his mother, and it's become pretty viral. All right.

So El Paso. El Paso? He says he calls her a body fertile redheaded matriarch of a sprawling Jewish Mexican redneck American family who kicked it on December 11th. She's 84 years old out of El Paso, Texas. She had, quote, many surviving children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, many of whom she even knew and in her own way loved. There will be much mourning in the many glamorous locales she went bankrupt in. McKee's Port, PA, Renee's birthplace, where she first fell in love with ham and atheism. Fayetteville and Kevin Devil Hills, North Carolina, where Renee's dreams, credit rating,

and marriage are all buried. And, of course, Miami, Florida, where Renee's parents, uncles, aunts, and eternal hopes of all Miami Dolphin fans everywhere are all buried pretty deep. Renee was preceded in death by Don Shula. Among the accomplishments credited to Renee were, in the 1980s, she ranked 11th or 12th among female cribbage players in the U.S. She came up with the name of the gas company Sunoco. Really?

In the 60s, she had an affair with Larry King. Wait, that's a rich, full life. Here's what Renee was great at. Dying her red roots, weekly manicures, dirty jokesures dirty jokes pure fishing rolling joints and buying dirty magazines she said she read them for the articles but filthy free speech was was really renee's thing hers was body her body rowdy life lived large broke and loud so the only unbelievable part here is the weekly manicures usually if you're a pure fisher person yeah there's not weekly manicure no no um yeah pure fishing usually goes along with alcoholism and uh being illegal being an illegal immigrant and the dirty magazines and the rolling

joints and the dirty jokes yeah a lot of this is spot on. Yeah. So Andy, who has referred to himself as Rene's favorite son, the gay one who writes catty obituaries in his spare time, noted that a very disrespectful and totally non-denominational memorial will be held most likely at a bowling alley in May of next year. Ah. I like that. Yeah, he should videotape the funeral. I think she's got a lot of fans now.

Yeah, no doubt. Battle Axe. All right, let's do the Sunday funnies. Oh, right here. Why don't I just hold the paper in my hand? All right. No, that wasn't a great wrinkle. Okay.

We got a note from somebody. Hello, hello men i thought you should know you've been beaten the current leader and uttering the most overused time-crushing mind-numbing podcast idiom of all time by the way quote by the way is attorney mark gregaros from reasonable doubt with adam carolla you simply can't let a paragraph get past his lips without saying it. You're going to have to step up your game. Is that a reference to you or me? Who says, by the way? BT Dubs, I say it way too much.

By the way. All right. It's my way of like, it's almost like I think a tick of like starting my uh digression yeah you know an add thing comes in but i at least have the courtesy to uh to give you a little warning shot so i think it's i think it's nice to have a little uh colloquialism that you tee up your stuff with people look forward to it yeah i mean i could go with it get this uh my turn uh me me me no what what else could you do uh you know what ever notice i'll come up i'll just try to vary it up a little bit by the by by the by incident. What is by the by?

All right. So the first comic we're going to look at. Sorry, mine didn't show up in the document. Hager the Horrible. Oh. There's a castle in the background. In the foreground, you've got three of Hager's men carrying loot. And one of them says, where is Hager?

And then the dopey guy goes he went back inside he forgot to look under the cushions and then there's a frame that they forgot to put in where hagger is raping the queen the queen of the castle has a cushion over her face yeah yeah yeah there's no doubt there's no doubt there's some subtext to that one he went back Yeah. Yeah. There's no doubt. There's no doubt there's some subtext to that one. He went back inside. Leroy Lockhorn is sitting in the doctor's office,

and the doctor is reading him his report, and he says, You may be young at heart, but you're not so young at liver. All right. Little wordplay. Not their strongest. No, not their best uh there's another one uh and the sunday one uh loretta says to leroy actually leroy the squeaky wheel gets on people's nerves i'm a big agreeer with that one oh yeah it's called a karen i mean anybody can be anybody

can complain a lot and yes, you will get more things, but you'll, you're, you're fucking ruining life for everybody else. I clearly, I mean, of course this observation has been made,

but you know who complains the least in, uh, in this country now? Who? Karen's. You can't be a, if my, if your name's Karen,

you're like, you're never, you can't ask for a manager now. Yeah, yeah. Who wants to see the manager? It's Karen. Yeah, once you call customer service. Do you really need my name? That's why they ask you at customer service, hi, who am I speaking to?

And if you say Karen, they just know, all right, we're not helping this person. Yeah. Yes, hi, who am I speaking with? Not Karen. Okay, not karen is that your full name yes first name not last name karen yeah uh does that bring us to family circus uh family circus okay i just pasted this in here uh an hour and uh 38 minutes ago. Okay. I don't even see the picture. All right. All right.

There's a picture. And it's the mom in the living room picking up a bunch of crap. And there's a baby on the floor with like a ripped envelope. And then the little girl is talking to the mommy. But now in the background is a little boy coming down the stairs. Is he going shh? Is that his gesture? Yeah, he's shushing. So he's sh boy coming down the stairs. Is he going shh? Is that his gesture? Yeah, he's shushing.

So he's shushing coming down the stairs. And in the way background, boy, this is like a Orson Welles framing. In the far background, you see the dad in another room, and the shitty little redheaded son is back there looking in the room anyway the daughter is talking to the mom in the foreground saying know what mommy daddy's in the bedroom

closet copying down your sizes I don't get that I'm searching there's no there's no I don't get that. I'm searching. There's no Christmas tree, right? Oh, wait, hold on.

If you look, there's a sliver of Christmas cards on the mantel. Do you see them? Yes. So now it makes sense. So they just outed the dad for he has no idea what sizes she wears. Go ahead, Greg. You're good at guessing bust sizes. What do you think she's rocking there?

You see the little line across her? She is a 34D cup. Ds? Wow. Yeah, she's a D. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's a D. She may even be a 36D.

It's hard to tell because the kids are so small to get perspective on her. But, I mean, sometimes they have a side angle of her and she is uh she has a pronounced bosom i mean if you look at the baby's head by her knee it's about the size of that left boob yep so he's writing down the sizes because it's boy uh let me tell you something mr keen put a fucking christmas tree in the shot so we yes we don't have to search for your meaning here right right put a santa hat on the mom something yeah all right ah oh what a piece of garbage all right blondie is uh in bed with dagwood which is always a red flag to me when he's faced away from her he's he's in his donut fucking pajamas with a goddess six inches away and she's

got to get his attention she goes honey i hear a noise downstairs and he does nothing yeah he probably just says just don't spoon me can you be quiet and don't spoon me yeah your breasts are pushing into my my back stop there she goes there i heard it again and he does nothing again then she goes dagwood you have to get up and do something about it so fuck face gets out of bed his woman could be raped his fucking children can be killed and he stands on top of the stairs and he goes stop making noise down there just get another man in that fucking house i pray to god she's at least having an affair with herb across the alley i thought it was gonna get earplugs same thing i mean what kind of a man first of all where is donut pajamas but if you know what happens if you go downstairs

you know what happens when you grab a baseball bat and you do a lap downstairs you come upstairs and your woman fucking sucks your dick that's what happens sorry i've i've said this a hundred times this was the setup especially that you needed she's like there's something downstairs there's something downstairs. There's something downstairs. Can you please go downstairs and check it? I'm going to call 911. Blondie calls 911, and she takes the revolver out of the drawer. And she goes, he doesn't even take the revolver because he doesn't believe there's anything downstairs because there hasn't been a sound.

But he's like, oh, shit, I'll go check it out. And on 911, she makes sure they hear someone's broken in her house our husband went downstairs to check someone's in her house someone's in her house blondie goes to the top of the stairs and then she goes the person's coming up the stairs the person's coming up the stairs and then she shoots dagwood right in the fucking head and now she lives her life that doesn't even go to trial they have the whole recording it's a layup it's the easiest thing ever and imagine her on the stand with that her hair glows her eyes beam fucking joy and truth she there's no jury that would send her anywhere she should shoot right in between the donuts one fucking bullet in between every donut on his pajamas she's like i

was fearing look at me i was fearing for my tits yeah get through that first line of defense downstairs what do you think's gonna happen in that bed also greg can tell you bring in character witnesses that can talk about dagwood to this jury and what a fucking loathsome lazy unappreciative piece of shit he's been their entire marriage they'd be like I don't care if she killed him let her out also they would have been like

of course she didn't think it was him coming up the stairs he totally would have gone to the fridge for about 20 minutes when he was down there yeah anyway write it up Mike and let's send it in. Let's see if they'll print it. I'm telling you. All right.

I know. You're right. I will. All right. That's what I'll write this week. All right. Listen, people, thanks for joining us. I've had a lot of fun.

I'm going to be doing some dates. I hope to see you on tour. I mean, this is it. This is like, you know, what's next? Is next Saturday Christmas? Next Saturday is the day after. Yeah, next Saturday is Christmas. So we get to decide. Are we

doing a show on the day after Christmas? Well, first of all, Merry, Merry Christmas to everybody. This is it. We should open the show with that. Yeah. Because next Sunday is the 26th. I am looking up right now if we're doing a show or not.

That would be our first. Boy, oh boy. Do we want to do one during the week? We could. I'm trying to see if we have some ads we have to do. We have no ads. I think we should take our first week off ever. Wow.

I'm going to be traveling on the road. Let's give Midcoast Media a break, and let's take a week off. All right, so everyone, I'm going to do a little podcast that'll be a gem for you. I'll get my own ads. It'll be behind a paywall. And see, once you have them addicted, now you can get the money out of them. I want them to feel the withdrawal for a week. See if you can live without it.

Wow. Our first week off. Our first week off. Well, I don't think people make it this far, obviously, in the podcast. So somehow we should publicize that we're... Maybe we don't publicize we're off next week. I don't think people make it this far, obviously, in the podcast. So somehow we should publicize that we're – maybe we don't publicize we're off next week. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how these things work.

Yeah, I don't know. I think you just quietly let it slip past. Oh, all right. All right. Well, thanks to Chris Denman and Beth Hoops and Key over at Midcoast Media for doing a great job all year. We love you guys and appreciate your support and you guys for listening all year. Yeah, that's, I ditto. Nice.

Sorry. I was trying to think of something else. Maybe you didn't take the Adderall today. I was trying to think of something else to say, like content wise at the end of this podcast. But yeah, no, thank everybody. And yeah, what a year and listen things seem to be on the mend i think everything's looking up so uh we can all celebrate this holiday season

huge gatherings indoors finally with our families and loved ones and the elderly and even the immunocompromised let's just all get get together. And thank God this thing's behind us. And let's move forward. And again, come to my comedy shows. Let's pack it out. Let's get in there. Yeah, exactly. All right.

All right, Mike. I'll see you this week. I probably won't see you because I'm leaving Tuesday. So I may not see you. So have a happy holiday. I'm out and about Monday may not see you so have a happy holiday I'm out and about Monday because a cleaning woman comes here that's on Monday

and so unless like maybe Dennis can come over and steal something from her Dennis got D-gubs alright we're just delaying it I just don't want to say goodbye because now it's going to be two weeks.

All right. We'll see you in two weeks. Take it. Eesh. Times two. Dang it. Eesh. guitar solo We'll see you next time.