Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 95 12/26/21

Episode Date: December 26, 2021

Greg Zooms in with the help of Jesus Christ from his mom’s condo in Florida while Mike prepares a trip to the desert. This week has three Florida man stories and a breakdown of an Elton John Christmas song that will bring out the holiday spirit. This is the last Sunday Papers of the year, so thanks to you guys for all the support! Happy holidays! Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime

Sunday papers, read them now. Sunday papers, Sunday papers, time with Reagan light. Sunday papers. And you better start before there's this connection, I'm thinking. And you better start before there's this connection, I'm thinking. Are you allowed to yell in your Florida complex? Read all about it. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Is that because the Lord is on the wall behind you? Greg is in a white room with, are those fake flowers? Of course. doesn't matter and next to it directly directly above the head of the bed as if it was you're about to shoot a sequel to the exorcist is a crucifix right on the wall well you know you don't need birth control when that's above the bed he's watching and dying for you he's not only that not only that let's get a quick let's get a quick look around because not only is the cross on the thing here's what's on the wall next to the bed how about this uplifting, lighthearted oil painting? No, that's not true.

Yeah. Yeah. No. All right. Okay. This is so weird for a quiet. So Merry Christmas, everybody. Should we try to put this show out on Saturday?

Have we? Have we explained that I'm at my mom's place all right did your mom put that up or did it come with the place no no this has been on the wall of our house since i was a small child prominently featured wait what's what's going on there it's hard i think it's jesus it's j. I think it's Jesus. It's Jesus Christ. It's a floating. No, no, no. It's an oil painting. Oil painting. But it looks like for the listeners, the size of a poster framed giant cross. And is he like dead on the crucifix? It's Jesus dead on the cross, but it's a hyper like real human body. And then he's looking down upon what looks like Hades. It looks like hell.

There's like a dark river underneath him with sinners in it. And what your mom is so like, like cynical and like funny. She's walking around our house and that's on the wall. Yeah. Yeah. Also, you very rarely see a dead Jesus on the cross. Right. Yeah. That guy's toast. He's bleeding. And, you know, he's still giving you that, oh, I'm suffering. Look, you know, in his eye for you. Do you see what you did? Did you see what you've done to me all right we're going to talk about christmas in a second but before we do let's the origin of it so that's the craziest thing to me is you remember abu grave i remember that's when it occurred to me and everyone's like oh

there's a guy standing on a crate with his sheet you know and this is the the war prisoners and they're like oh my, you can see the car battery like a couple of feet away and the wires going up like, oh, my God, this is the worst torture scene ever. I'm like, really? Have you gone to church? Yeah, right. This is nothing. One thousand out of one thousand people would choose the car battery on a crate with a sheet over you than what kids are seeing on stained glass windows and on walls. But this is after he was stabbed multiple times on the cross. Now, first he was—

It's a sadistic religion. Yeah, and the best part is on Good Friday, every year good Catholics went to church on Good Friday and you reenacted the killing of Jesus Christ. You were given these, there was like these little pamphlets given out with the lines and there was, here was the characters, Jesus Christ, Pontius Pilate, and Barabbas. And Barabbas was another criminal who was also being put on a cross while Jesus was. He was kind of the wacky neighbor. Is this like a sitcom? He's overweight, but he's got a hot wife.

You guys would do a little table read? Yeah. He's super hot, but his wife is 20 years younger. you would call out, Pontius Pilate would say, what should we do with this false prophet, Jesus Christ? And then as a nine-year-old kid in church on often my birthday, which is April 5th, so Good Friday would often land on April 5th, I would have to yell out, crucify him, crucifyify him along with my entire congregation it's insanity and then full-blown insanity he was forced to march while being ridiculed and spit upon and punched until he was on his knees and then he was put on the cross where he was

where he was stabbed repeatedly by the soldiers. Yeah. Thorn of crown. Oh, I forgot the thorn of crowns. Oh, you can't forget that. No. That's kind of like the feathers on the tar and feather. Yeah.

That's just a little icing on the cake. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so. Yeah. So Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody and Mike. You might have to explain the worst internet connection ever that you're experiencing. All right.

So I am in Florida in my mom's place and she doesn't have Wi-Fi in 2021. Like even if it's if her front door said stay away. in 2021. She, like, even if, if it's, if her front door said, stay away, don't come here. Like that wouldn't be as effective as no wifi. She has no wifi.

She has no wifi. And, and so we sit down and watch some TV. We sit down and watch some TV last night. She turns it on. And it's like you're watching. It's like they had shot the TV show in the dark. It was completely dark, the screen.

You could barely make out any figures. And I go, Mom, Mom, your TV is so dark. I go, let me fix it. No, do not touch that remote. Sometimes when you do, the tv just turns off i was like mom i can fix it i know i can fix it and she wouldn't tell me where the remote was because you know you have the remote for the wi-fi for the um for the cable and then you have the remote for the actual tv where you would do the settings for the, for the light. And so I get it. And I,

and I hit like three buttons and the screen lights up and it's fucking beautiful. And she's like, she acts like you are a genius. Like you are fucking Leonardo da Vinci. And she's like, Oh my God, how did you do that? Yeah. She's been watching dark tv for years down here that tv is so dark not as dark as the oil painting in the guest room where you're staying that's a lot darker i'm used to really dark things have you seen all the torture scenes

sprinkled throughout the lovely home? And the flowers, the flowers are dead. They're fake. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. All right. So you're on a hot spot because, by the way, it is a I don't know another word, but a wacky video feed. Because you're, sometimes what's happening is you're like, and then we go to the TV.

I swear to God, it's been like that a couple times. Oh, really? Oh, because I'm using my hotspot on my phone. And I don't know how it works. Yeah. So it goes, then the TV, and then it lit up, and then everything was fine. And all of a sudden, like, you catch up to your audio. Oh, okay.

All right. Well, look, we're going to keep it short today because it is Christmas and we're today. We're actually recording this on the 22nd because, um, our,

our fine team over at mid coast media has decided to indulge themselves and just take off on Christmas, even Christmas. That's ridiculous. Yeah. Um, I'm glad we're doing it just for the fact that I've been hearing this Elton John,

Bernie Taupin Christmas. I just, just let me know when you want me to fucking tear apart Bernie Taupin. It's the worst Christmas song ever. Hit me with some of the lyrics on paper elton john made it very listenable we'll talk about that later all right we'll do it right now why not start because who knows how long people are going to listen to this with your audio okay it's called step into christmas so all right greg if you said

hey mike can you you're not even a songwriter can you write a song for our podcast okay uh and i'd be like uh it'll probably suck but i'll take a shot and my first line was um welcome to my podcast song you'd be like stop stop stop like you should have just said fuck you like if you didn't want to do this right you should have just said, fuck you. Like if you didn't want to do this, you should have just said, fuck you. Right. Uh, so Elton gets this piece of paper and the first line is, uh, welcome to my Christmas song. So it's like, it's a little literal Bernie. I mean, you know how great Christmas songs are like they seem incredibly inspired like they they really are like some of the you know great sounds and so inspirational well because

really let's be honest Christmas songs are a cash grab for artists they make a ton of money it gets instant listenership and they never artists that but then you look at the beatles like john lennon put out a bunch of christmas songs paul mccartney put out a bunch of christmas songs you fucking do it because your manager's telling you to do it uh well lighting lennon's beats mccartney's. I hate McCartney's Christmas song. Anyway, welcome to my Christmas song. I'd like to thank you for the year. So I'm sending you this Christmas card to say it's nice to have you here. If my third grade child brought this home, I wouldn't even put it up on the refrigerator.

That's not refrigerator worthy, kid. Sorry. I'd like to sing. I mean, it's the most literal. I'd like to sing about all the things your eyes and mind can see. Ready? So hop aboard the turntable. Oh, step into Christmas with me.

Bernie Taupin is a fucking child. Literally, he's a child. And poor Elton John saddled with this. Yeah. Yeah. Step into Christmas. Let's join together. We can watch the snow fall. Ready? Forever

and ever. Like, it's terrible. Step into Christmas, the admission's free. Like, if you, you know what the hard thing would be? If you told me to write a Christmas song for the podcast, sure, challenging. Like, what am I going to write? But if you said, write the worst thing ever, I couldn't do it because this is in my hand. I could not do that. That's impossible.

Your hand would stop. When you were writing forever and ever, you would say, no, he's going to say that this is not, that's not even bad enough to be bad. I would be like, I'm kind of telling him I don't want to be friends anymore. Like, that's what this is. I might as well write. That's what I should write. Greg, you asked me to write a Christmas song. Here's the piece of paper. And I fax it to you. It comes out of the fax machine. It says, we're no longer friends. Those are all the lyrics. That's what I came up with,

which is the same as this. We're no longer friends forever and ever. Yeah. I'm into it, but I'm telling you, you're not going to be. Yeah, I'm into it, but I'm telling you, you're not going to be. Forever and ever. Exactly. Oh, my God. And by the way, incredibly listenable song. Like he has different parts.

He dressed, he fucking threw so much lipstick on this pig. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. So think about that next time. No, the John Lennon one is pretty amazing war is over yeah yeah but paul mccartney's is paul mccartney's is interesting i can't remember how it goes again um no paul mccartney's is terrible uh simply having a wonderful Christmas time. That's like, you know, Paul McCartney literally in his sleep,

if he rolled over and his hand fell on a keyboard, it would be more impressive than simply. Are you kidding me? That's what Paul McCartney does if he's like, does this piano work? Is it even close to being in tune? Yeah, I think that even though even though Paul may have written songs that were as great as Lennon's greatest, Lennon never wrote crap. We don't know that at all. Well, I mean, the famous one was when he brought in. Well, listen, we're going to get to the Beatles in a second. All right. A list of their songs, put all of their songs put in order of greatness.

I just want to see how many of the top 10 you get. Wait, all right. I can't, I can't wait to do that, but I just want to get back to Florida for a second. So. Yes, please. So we land, everything goes really smooth. We land and I had rented a car for the week and my mother's like,

oh, don't rent a car. I'll drive down. I'll pick you up at the airport. We only need one car. And I'm like, no, I'm telling you, I got this deal. It was only $328 for the week. So fuck it.

Why don't I just, I'll get the car. It's not cheap, but you know, no big deal. So we go to the budget, rent a car and I go, okay, so yeah, we got the car. She's like, okay, and you have that until the 24th, which is two days later. And I'm like, what? She's like, your car rental, it's due back on the 24th. I'm like, no, no, we have it for a week. It's until the 28th.

And she's like, you also know your mom has no wi-fi you don't have a car till christmas and you have no wi-fi so so i go well how much will it be if i keep it to the 28th she goes 1258 you know why it's a fresh booking right now starting starting Christmas day. So now, well, you know, even if you extrapolate the two days times, whatever, like it was $328 for two days. And so I got it right. So that's why I thought it was such a good deal. Cause I'd accidentally only booked it for two days. So I rented it for the day.

I'm going to return it later on to, uh, tonight. And, uh, and then we, and then we get to, and then we're like, all right, we got to get tested because, you know, my mom had her heart surgery. So we can't show up to the house, you know, covered in COVID and tested again today. Exactly. Especially with the new Obercrombie and Fitch strain. And so. Yep. So we to and and i four of us well i'm driving so three of us are searching for testing places in florida for covet 19 good fucking luck yeah there are no first of all you can't get the instant test it doesn't exist in florida right now you can only get the one that takes three days and and even to get that, they're all booked.

They're all booked. And then the walk-in ones don't take health insurance. And they charge you $200 a pop to get the test. So DeSantis is going out of his way to kill as many human beings as possible with COVID-19. And so- To find the testing sites, they'll just look for the big banners that say, pussies here. Yeah, right. human beings as possible with COVID-19. And so to find the testing sites,

well, you have to just look for the big banners that say pussies here. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's it. And so it's just got a big picture of sheep. And so we finally just go to Boca Raton on the way and we pull into, and we're just driving around looking for places and we find a place and we pull in,

we wait two and a half hours in a waiting room here's the thing about people from florida they don't go and get tested as just you know protocol they go get tested when they are on death's door everybody in the waiting room is coughing and sneezing and and my wife is we let my wife go in and fill it out we all waited in the car I'm surprised you didn't take off she comes out, wait, hello? well we figured

you get tested if any of us have it, you probably have it so it's kind of like a parakeet and the what do they call it uh when you said a canary in a coal mine you're the canary in a coal mine and so so uh so everybody's coughing and everybody's saying yes to all the symptoms and it was fucking crazy so we got tested and then and then we could show up to my house and i tell my mother all right mom you just had major heart surgery

two months ago you're you're still weak i said when we pull up we're gonna have masks on we got she was very upset we got the tests she's like oh she's like how do you feel do you feel do you feel sick and we're like no we don't feel sick well then we're just gonna we're just gonna pretend that there's no COVID I go no mom we're not gonna pretend I go first of all if you caught if you caught COVID from us my sister would fucking kill me and so and so I go we're getting the test and when we come there you're gonna have to wear a mask and we're gonna wear a mask until you get the results. Show up to the house.

She's got no mask. And she's- Of course not. She has crucifixes. That's all she needs. Look at them all. I put extra ones up during this so-called virus. Yeah.

And so she's rolling her eyes that we have masks on she keeps making comments and uh oh my god it was fucking crazy so you know we're trying kids you kids you think a mask is going to protect you more than this dead zealot you know i don't think so now jesus christ if god couldn't protect him you think you're going to get protected by a mask? So anyway, so what's your plan? You'll be in Palm Springs. My bags are packed. As soon as we finish this podcast, I am getting in the car and driving out to Palm Springs.

We're doing everything you just described because my mom just finished chemo. So she is very compromised. And, you know, the thing is, it's like, have a great Christmas. Don't kill mom. I mean, that's the little game we're very, very careful this week because regardless of its severity, this thing spreads like wildfire. So anyway, so that's the deal is don't kill incredibly compromised mom. Right. Well, especially when you've got grandkids coming in that have all been in college campuses and all that. Yep. Oh, and all that. Yep.

Oh, and Sophie already had it. She brought it home from Michigan. Right. So this is real. It's not imagined. Did she get her smell and taste back yet? I believe. I hope not, just because I'm cooking one of the meals out there.

Hey, now. I hope it comes after that. Yes. By the way, are you watching Curb this season? It's pretty over the top, but there was one I liked two ago, but yes is the answer. Yeah, now there's some that are misses and there's some that are hits, but when Jeff goes ba-dum-bum and Susie catches him cheating

because the girl he's fucking does that. Yeah. So funny. Ba-dum-bum. What's that? I but i'm pumped yeah yeah whole curb conversation yeah oh and then also i get here and you know i have extreme adhd and when i pack i insist my wife not come in the room because i have to completely hyper focus or i forget shit and so she hold on wait pause, pause. That seems like the opposite.

You should have the opposite instinct. Kind of like, hey, I don't want you seeing me take my meds. It's like, well, wouldn't I help? Like, wouldn't I be like, you missed one or you took three of that one? Like, I think, don't you want someone overseeing it?

It's almost like if you had a job, I'm incredibly ADD. Yes, but you are in charge of launching the rockets before the takeoff. Yeah, I know. Just leave me in a room alone. I'll get it done. No, that's what I can do. If I'm alone and nothing disturbs me, I can hyper focus. If there's any distractions, then my mind goes off the task and I can't complete it. And so she's sitting on the bed chatting with me. I get to Florida.

I got no t-shirts. None. Not one t-shirt. Oh, poor Erin is getting blamed for this. That's what she said. She's like, oh, don't fucking blame me for this. She's like, I was there to help you. The doctor blaming the nurses.

Wait, you sewed them up? His heart is still in my hand. It's you guys. So now picture I'm in Florida and I have to buy T-shirts. I'm going to come back with I'm with Stupid and the Hawaiian Punch guy at a keg party. Fucking Bahama Joe, whatever. Tommy Bahama.

Yeah. I went to Florida and all I got was this lousy COVID test. I'm a pussy. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. So, uh, so I have no t-shirts and,

and it's Aaron's birthday. So I gotta, we gotta take her out. Happy birthday to her. Yeah. No t-shirts, no Wi-Fi, no gifts for your wife. Good luck down there. I am short one.

I got to go pick one up. I can't say that to you left. I'm sure you got COVID. So we want to thank a great song this week from John Lancaster. Shout out to him. Nice fucking work, brother. And then our logo logo did you see the logo it's pretty funny that they took uh my stepbrother's book the fishing book which again

more and more people bought it it's incredible I should read it uh I know I pushed it and I know he's funny and I know some of the stories in it but but I, I saw, I have it. I bought a copy. I'm bringing it out to Palm Springs. Yeah. Well, it was a great logo. It was done by, I think it was John Solomon.

Let me double check right now. Hold on. All right. Meanwhile, uh, Lucia. I'm sorry, Michael,

Michael Solomon. Yeah. Ah, all right, Michael, nice job. All right, corrections. Corrections. You doing them? Lucia Ribeiro, who is a comedian friend of ours who lives up in, I think she's in Vancouver, either Seattle or Vancouver. And she said, Liza Minnelli became the first female friar in April, 1987.

I did a Google search. Wow. Yeah. We talked about when the friars first allowed women in and Liza was the first person in the friars club to be told nice tits. Thank you. I don't know if she'd be told that yeah yeah that's true i think they say it just reflexively

like your like your mom you married a fag that might have been said her mom married two homosexuals by the way is that right really yes yes wow no shit uh-huh damn yeah well i have a friend their pickers were their pickers as they say were a little off it might add something to do with the intense drug use, but I think it's more than that. I think it's also, I had a friend who's a homosexual. They were fans. And his wife, they divorced and she's a lesbian. Wait, who's this? A friend of mine who's a homosexual.

Oh, wow. And she's a lesbian. And she's a lesbian. Huh. Right. I wonder if they have an incredibly strong bond still, like both of them kind of hiding unconsciously or maybe consciously. Yes, they do have a strong bond. And it makes me think of-

I would not be surprised. What was the documentary about the, was it called The Staircase? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. I mean, that guy was clearly gay and he? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. I mean, that guy was clearly gay and he was married to his wife who he killed. Well, maybe that's not such a happy marriage,

but they seem like they had, up until the slaying, they had a very happy marriage. Until he trained an owl to swoop down and smash her skull, which is my theory on what happened. Do you think that's what it was? Till he trained an owl to swoop down and smash her skull. Which is my theory on what happened. Do you think that's what it was?

I think it was the owl. Yeah. I did not see the new ones, which are like three years old. I did not see the new episodes of The Staircase. Everyone apparently has considered this owl theory, and I guess it's been rejected. Yeah. But based on the first 12, and then my giant Google dive, I

don't know how it's not an owl. By the way, speaking of gay men, Tom O'Neill posted a video. Did you see it with his dick out? All right, easy. I did. Why?

Am I giving too much away on the podcast? I don't know. The podcast is a little dirty, remember? You have a crucifix over your right shoulder. Maybe we tone it down. All right, all right. All right. Also a correction from Aldo Munoz, who says,

My memories of the 90s are a bit blurry, but wasn't Cake Fart Girl a hit song by Tori Amos? Chris Denman, pull that shit up. Happy holidays. I heard a DJ this week coincidentally say his whole life he's been saying Tori Amos, and he just heard her refer to herself as Tori Amos. Anyway, let's move forward. Yeah, that's a fun fact.

That's a fun fact. Maybe not even fun. Ika Riewitz says, At the end of Grapes of Wrath, the character Rose of Sharon does breastfeed a starving adult man, but he is not African American. The man she feeds is another migrant worker, one of the people who were kicked off their farms in the midwest after the dust bowl and moved to california trying to get farm work most of the oppressed characters that steinbeck is trying to draw

attention to in the grapes of wrath are whites now i think i confused this because i saw a production exactly what i was gonna say i saw a production of grapes of of... No, no, I said it. Exactly what I was going to say. I saw a production of Graves of Wrath on Broadway, and I believe the man was African-American, right? He 100% was black and African-American, and I confused it, too. But Ike Riewitz, if that's your real name, I don't think she made that name up for this email, is right, though. we should consider the text

yes the stage interpretation though that's exactly what I confused he was African American and so I walked out I'm not going to watch a white woman get it on with a black man for $70. Not in 2014. Yeah.

So Chris Denman just did a little research and he says, as hilarious as a Tori Amos reference is, I either don't get it or can't find anything. Both are true. Both are true. It was basically, you know, that old joke, like that's the name of my first album. You know, it's one of those, but anyway, thank you for writing in. And it is kind of funny. If you want funny, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Bridgeport, Connecticut on, uh, December 30th and January 1st, I will be at the stress factory doing standup comedy. Also, it's going to be particularly stressful there with this contagion flying around.

There's no kidding. No, the comedy clubs I work, they have a protective coating on them, and you can't catch anything inside of there. In fairness, a lot of these comedy clubs are so desperate to be in business and people so desperately want to see it that their protocols are pretty good they are very good i mean some are so good you can't believe it like yeah like the cleveland there's a cleveland club called hilarities they put up plexiglass between every fucking table in the club and they wipe everything down and then they have a

ventilator system. Wow. No, they're all, they're all pretty safe. Anyway, thanks for taking a piss on my fucking date. New Brunswick, New Jersey, New Year's Eve, Mike. I don't know what your plans are. I will be at the stress factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey, New Year's Eve, Boston, Portland, Oregon, and Lexington, Kentucky. All dates coming up soon in January. Go to FitzDawg.com for details. What are you doing for New Year's Eve? I don't know. I go to Jackson Hole the next day to go try to do some skiing.

We'll see how that goes. By the way, my dad is toying with the idea of coming to see you in Palm Beach. Nice. Let me know when i'll put them on the guest list i think there'll be some room sounds good uh yeah we'll we'll we'll text about that sounds good all right what do we got uh we also have a few mugs left you know we ordered it's the smaller size that ships much cheaper as a response to you guys being upset that the shipping was so much on the large mug. Gorgeous color.

I saw them in person. You gave me a few. Yeah. So pick them up. Go to sundaypapers.net or fitsdog.com and get yourself a mug. It'll be a little late for the holidays, but you can still get it. Also, we want you guys, if you're feeling stressed, this time of year brings up a lot of stress for people. You're around family, you're looking at a new year,

whatever it is. And it's something that I think people are starting to talk more normally about and they're dealing with in constructive ways. And Noom is a way that you can do it. Noom Mood has helped me a lot. I have sleeping problems. My whole family does. Jesus Christ, it runs in my family. Thoughts run in our family. And so I've been using Noom. You use a coach to give you support,

and you come up with a very specific process that works for you. Talk about your use of Noom, Mike. Well, the key is it's so hard to find one now. I mean, that's the story that everyone is talking about. They can't find a therapist, and it's like the wait list is so long. So a lot of people try to do like the self-help thing or they get a book, and it's not enough. And I think a coach has been really effective. Like with me, I need that structure. I need like, all right, next time we

check in, you'll have done this. It's just, it's just, it's, I guess I need deadlines, which is part of structure. And so this coaching element of it is very effective for me. You get a daily curriculum coupled with the one-on-one coach and it's like 10 minutes a day. It's not a big deal. One size does not fit all. You figure out the best thing that's going to work for you depending on what you're up against and you do it. So worry less happier. Sign up for your trial at noom.com slash papers. That's n-o-o-m dot com slash papers. All right. So sign up for your trial now. Noom.com slash papers. You're going to feel better. Also, if you want to feel better, putting a little cash in your pocket, my bookie has the best odds and prop bets. And you can start by doubling your initial deposit all the way up to $1,000 using promo code PAPERS.

That's double your deposit, double your funds, and double the excitement. Don't bet on Tampa Bay. Just don't bet on Tampa Bay. Oh, shit. Shut out last week. That hurt. That hurt. He broke an iPad. I love it.

So deposit of $1,000 is doubled using promo code PAPERS. Head to MyBookie today. Place your bets. Fill your pockets. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with MyBookie. Alright, Mike, you got a paper there?

I have Bernie Taupin lyrics and I don't mind messing them up. Front page. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Here we go. The U.S. population growth in the first year of COVID was the lowest in history. Wow. I was going to maybe tease this story and see what you thought.

Like, did you think maybe more people hooked up? You know what I mean? With all the hibernation, you know, especially married couples. I would guess that just based on my experience with having kids around the house nonstop and a low-grade depression over everybody and puzzles that needed to get done, Netflix that needed to be watched, not to mention the amount of divorce that happened during COVID. I would guess the rates did not go up. I would say they probably dropped.

Plus the fact that people talk about not wanting to bring a child into this world you know they've said that since the 1950s with the nuclear scares how could you bring a child into this world you're right yeah so i'm right i think you're right okay numbers were far lower than anticipated. Even though the tally of births in the U.S. has dropped, get this, it has dropped every year since 2008, with the exception of 2014. Other states, though, bucked the trend, like Idaho and Florida. We'll get to both of those later. And Florida overtook New York as the nation's third most populous states in 2014. They featured a 1% growth.

You heard about their new license plate, Florida Fox. That's a good one. growth uh means the sunshine state's population swelled by almost 580 new residents every day and if you're good at math you'll realize that is 290 new florida men every day wow the possibilities for news are endless. Yeah. And out of 290 Florida men, how many of those do you think are fertile ground for news stories? Like how many of those guys are felons, meth heads,

strip club addicts? Probably more than usual, because I think what you're saying, I think a lot of the, a lot of them are going to be accidents. Yeah. I think, yeah, sure. They're bucking the trend a little bit, but they're not. Yes, actually, maybe they are. Florida is exceptional in every way, but I'm just thinking, I think everything is down

for all the reasons you mentioned. And so these are probably accidents. And if you're a Florida accident man, that's going to be even worse, I think. You know, that brings up an interesting point, because if they are going to make abortions illegal, this country is about to be filled with a lot of people that are not wanted and are not going to be raised very well. This is really, just from a societal point of view, this is really going to have ramifications, isn't it? I think so. I don't know.

I still think people are going to manage to get them. You're right. There'll obviously be a decrease, but I don't know. That's a sticky issue. We're moving on to the Christmas lights. Yeah. Let's lighten it up. A man strung Christmas lights from his home to his neighbor's home to support her and the whole community following.

It started last November with a single string of Christmas lights on a Baltimore County street. Matt Riggs had hung up a string of white Christmas lights. And when he looked across the street, he realized his neighbor, you know, he knew she was sort of hurting during the pandemic. She was depressed and struggling. And he thought, I'll literally brighten her world so he stretched the string of lights from his home across the street to hers and he also made a homemade tin of cookies and he knocked on her door and she opened it and shot him dead there it is with this stand your ground law right behind her i'm sitting here listening to this story going, wait a minute. Is someone going to get fucked here?

Is somebody's mother, stepmother going to get laid? What's happening? No, Greg. I am telling you that did not happen. That was just our twisted minds. She loved it. Yeah. And in the days that followed, Riggs' light hanging gesture,

neighbor after neighbor followed suit. And now this street, even though it's only the second year, has become famous because there is a canopy of lights going from each house to the house across the street. Wow, that's so sweet. And it's just nice, Craig. There's no one getting fucked or killed or raped. Have you ever been out to Bensonhurst during the Christmas season in Brooklyn? I do know that those Italians take it quite seriously. They take it quite seriously. Bensonhurst is maybe the most racist pocket of America.

It's the place where they chased a black guy. I guess they regularly chase black people out of the neighborhood. But a lot of horrible stories come out of there. But anyway, not at Christmas. They're real nice at Christmas. And I went out there two years in a row with my friend Jerry Red Wilson. He used to rent a bus. And he had this big Christmas bus thing where we would

get on and we go to Bensonhurst and you would get off the bus and then you'd walk around for like an hour and look at all that. Like people with garages would fill the garages with toy train sets and like the little elves working on toys and, and it was all lights and every house was lit up and, and's just crazy and then we would go on the bus and then you know people are just boozing it up on the bus then we'd go to like he had all his favorite irish bars in brooklyn queens and manhattan and we would end up at jack dempsey's that was always the last stop oh yeah lower east side yeah and uh yeah those were and that's the first time i saw south park because he had a vhs tape of the original south park jesus episode and this would have been in

like 96 or so and he's like uh and he popped it on and the bus had a vhs player and we all watched the first south historical yeah it was uh their christmas card i think like clooney or someone hired them to make a christmas kind of card or whatever yeah a video christmas card anyway um but i remember seeing that viral video uh before there was viral videos really yeah it was great um is benson her still that way you you think? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's... Are you there? I lost you a little.

I think it's... No, I just... All right, we're going to skip the McDonald's story, but McDonald... Huh? Well, wait, I want to do the McDonald's story. We don't have to. Okay. Yeah.

McDonald's to ration French fries in Japan. So they're being forced to take the medium and large fries off the menu because potatoes are in short supply. Wow. Wow. So this is what happened to the Irish. and large fries off the menu because potatoes are in short supply. Wow. So this is what happened to the Irish. So are the Japanese now going to flee their country and become cops and firemen in the Bronx? Here's the difference.

The Japanese, it turns out, are a little more resourceful than the Irish. When you cut off the potatoes that was it what about rice nope fish not really no no you're an island yeah we haven't really figured out the fish thing yet we wouldn't need a pole you need a string now with the potato you just bend over you just bend over and pick it up and you're good. Yeah. Well, guys, what about wheat? That's for the beer. Are you insane?

But children are going to die. It's a non-starter. It's a non-starter, the wheat. You're talking crazy talk over there. All right, let's get to this Beatles song. All right, let's get to this Beatles song. All right, man. NME Magazine listed all the Beatles songs in order of greatness. Well, wait, for some context, who's NME? New Music Entertainment.

I don't know what it stands for. NME, I think it's a British magazine. I'm probably getting all this wrong. But it's a very popular music magazine. Now, I have to scan all the way down. What's nice about NME's website is they don't make you click like one by one or ten by ten. They're all in one document. Oh, I like that.

But I do have to scan all the way down. Okay. So I want to – the number one song right out of the gate is going to tell you that, remind you of the premise, which is they're listed in order of greatness. Like what was, like context is everything for each of these songs. You know what I mean? Right. So why don't you take a stab at getting as many of the top 10 as you can. All right.

Easy. Let it be. You there, caller? Yeah. Let it be. Wait, hold on. You froze. So go ahead. Hit me up. Let it be. Let it be is. I'm still looking for it. Maybe I, let it be as number 22. Yeah, forget it. I don't buy the survey.

A day in the life. Number two. Oh, there we go. A day in the life, a day in the life. Listen to a day in the life. Give it a fresh listen and imagine writing it. Yeah. Like it's,

I, there's an orchestra. Hey, why don't we bring an orchestra in here? It's like, okay, wow. In the middle of this pop, like record rock song, which they had done before. Yeah. But play it backwards. What? Okay. Like it's, and that wasn't the first time they did it. All right. Go ahead. And that wasn't the first time they did it. All right, go ahead. Hey Jude. Number three. Do you know this? I never realized this.

Hey Jude is not on an album. Get out of here. Isn't that weird? Really? Hey Jude is a single, a single from 1968. Wow. Yesterday. First song recorded under the Apple label.

Yesterday? Yesterday is, I know, yesterday is number 14. Strawberry Fields. Strawberry Fields, yes, sir, is number four. Through the Bedroom Window. She came in through the bedroom window she came in through the bedroom window uh no i think that's pretty i don't know where that is um but you know all right so here want me to read them yeah i want to hear them tomorrow never knows is number. It's the last song on Revolver, and it's interesting. So they go, it's possible to trace the origins of most modern music, bar rap, back to the Beatles catalog.

But Tomorrow Never Knows was perhaps their most influential track of all. create the sound in Lennon's head of monks chanting in some cosmic mountain retreat to accompany lines cribbed from the Tibetan Book of the Dead intended to emulate a transcendental acid high. The band experimented with loops, sampling, drone, and tape manipulation, creating not just the epitome of psychedelia and exposing pop audiences to anti-materialism Eastern ideas, but effectively inventing dance music. Turn off your mind, relax, and you can hear the Chemical Brothers before the Chemical Brothers were even born. So it's very interesting. So we're not going to go on too long about this, but Tomorrow Never Knows was the last track on Revolver, which teed up Sgt. Pepper's. Right, right.

So that's all they... So anyway, number two, Day in the Life. Number three, Hey Jude. Number four, Strawberry Fields. Number five, Something. Number six, While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Two Georges, five and six. Blackbird, seven, because it was their most socially conscious, you know, in the folk movement spirit. Paperback Writer. Really? Number eight. socially conscious, you know, in the folk movement, uh, spirit paperback writer, uh, number, number eight. Yeah. Um, and then, and they have little explanations, all my loving, uh, I'm interested in that, but I guess that's their most poppy thing in their first in 1964,

we can work it out, which was a single single again i don't think on an album number 10 um here comes his son 11 so i mean george has three of the top 11 which is interesting yeah yeah it's i mean it's impossible to pick the top because you know the golden slumber that whole little trilogy if she came in through the bedroom window and uh carry that oh my god are you kidding me those three to me the beatles don't get any better than those three songs back to back that little trilogy so i was very happy to see it was the last thing we'll say we'll move on but i was happy to see at number 15 was golden slumbers on abbey road which is right in the middle of what you're talking about yeah Yeah. Right. Um, that, that side too.

Holy crap. People don't even think about side two, one and all that shit anymore. All right. So that was that. Um, okay, here we go. Local news. Ready? Local news.

Okay. Today, Greg is, uh, the 22nd, isn't it? It is. Yes. So I found this in the local news. It said, three Zodiac signs will have a rough day today. Okay? And I want to put this in there, but one of them is Aries.

And so Leo, of course, Leo has a tough day. Which is us. We're both Aries. Yeah, sorry. Which is us. We're both Aries. Yeah, sorry. Which is us. We're both Aries. We're bitches, but we're cool. So Leo was one of the other ones.

But of course, that's their ego. So whatever. And then Scorpio. Well, fucking Scorpio's every day is a tough day for a Scorpio. Those pieces of shit. So now we go to Aries. Keep in mind, I don't believe in any of this. Aries.

Here, I'll go read it. Keep this in mind when you have no Wi-Fi and you have to return your car later. While this day doesn't promise to actually ruin you, you may find that there's something in your life discovered only today that is just wrong. The wrongness, this wrongness cannot last and you will not tolerate it in your life. Once discovered, you will be annoyed and this will bring the blame, bring on the blame game. Someone has to be responsible for this Aaron that I don't have my fucking t-shirts. So you'll blame someone close to you for some mistake you've made. Mom, how dare you get my COVID?

Now it fucking ruins my life. And now we'll start the war of the day, which you will fight until it bores you. Because Aries, I guess, are easily bored. It's one of those days with moon trine Mars, never even heard the phrase, doing the major butt kicking that you'll wish you just stayed in bed during. Wow. I have blamed my mom for a lot during this podcast, haven't I? You blamed a lot of people during this, I think. A lot of people. Except you did take credit for the rent-a-car. You did take credit for putting in the wrong dates. Yes, I did.

I would say that's something that I could work on. You should blame someone for this connection because you sound like a robot falling asleep. Oh. I would say if there's something I can work on for 2022, it will be not blaming other people for things. And I'm way better at it than I was when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I blamed everybody all the time. And now I'm much, much better at owning stuff. But I still need to work on it.

And now you're supposed to say, and I'm this way because of my fucking father. Well, that goes without saying. So the whole banner is under blaming someone else. It didn't come out of nowhere. All right, entertainment. This is useful. People need things to watch over the break.

You ready? Yeah. Have you seen Louis C.K.'s New Hour? Cannot wait. Same. Can't wait. But here's the funny thing I read. I read this detail.

So his New Hour had a promo during SNL. And when the promo aired, it was the last commercial in the pod. And so it aired. And then SNL went right into Dick in a Box. That's not true. It's true. No, it's not. It's 100% true.

Are you serious? Because SNL was clobbered. You know only two cast members showed up. They lost the musical act. Tina Fey had to come in. Tom Hanks was there and they they cobbled together a show. And so they had to play a lot of the Christmas greatest hits. So they played Dick in a Box Saturday night. Wait a minute. And do you think that they were in on it? Do you think that they said, let this would be really funny if we put in dick in the box after the ad no i don't think so no i don't think so at all oh are you

kidding me i think that song got put together so fast and i think a lot of the times the show has no idea what commercials air in what pod the only time for those interested the only time you ever hear that is like i remember being in late night and we would do jokes about Korea, right? Or something. And then we would get a call when we sent our script to standards and all that, standards and practices. And then all of a sudden ad sales would call us like, that joke cannot be in that pod. not be in that pod. We're like, what are you talking about? That's when we do the news. Well, Kia is a sponsor in that. That's the only time we'd ever hear back what commercials are in what pods. Okay. Interesting.

Well, that's ballsy. Just so people understand the business model, Louis pays for the special himself out of his own pocket, shoots it, directs it, edits it, and then he only releases it on his website which i just got the email from him the other day like the mass email that all his fans get saying that you can buy it

for ten dollars or for like 15 you can get like all of his specials together or something but anyway and he'll show you his dick and he'll show you his dick uh and so so basically he's he's gonna make enough money on this special that he can afford what do you think a 30 second ad costs on i think it was a one minute ad it said um oh was it i don't know how long do you how much you think that would cost um oh on saturday night lives christmas show, maybe he bought it last minute. Maybe some people pulled because all of a sudden, you know, there was, you know, like the music company that was going to buy time because their performer was on there. They probably pulled their ad. So maybe he got a deal.

But generally, to answer your question, an SNL ad is expensive, of course. What's expensive? Like half a million dollars i don't think that much but i don't i should say he's so he probably spent between 50 and 100 000 on the ad i'm that's probably a good guess maybe a little more wow well he's smart because i mean he hosted the show a number of times. Apparently, his episodes would be like the highest rated episode of the year when he did it. So that's his—Denman just wrote in $100,000 to $300,000. So Denman just wrote in—yeah. For an SNL ad.

Typical SNL ad rate, but that's probably for 30 seconds. You said this was a minute? Oh, I don't know that. I'm assuming it was a minute because that's how much you would need to do a stand-up. Oh, I doubt it. I doubt it.

No, he gets a little joke in there and just announces it or something, I'm sure. Okay, I saw Being the Ricardos. Holy shit, man. You man you you bless you god bless you the crucifix just turned upside down the uh you really have to be a fan of aaron sorkin to like being the ricardo's and he chose and i and i've heard him i watched his master class on that series uh and i and i know how he approaches biographies. He doesn't take a biography on or even a story like the social network unless he finds a real issue.

Like and the issue for the Facebook movie was the lawsuit and things that he had read that were said in the lawsuit. So that's how he approached this. And he chose kind of like this communist thing, which, you know, he's very political. So,

but no one remembers that about Lucy at all. You know what I mean? Anyway, and the everything, everyone knows everything there's walk. He directed it also. So there was no director there to say, oh, let's ease it on the everybody knows everything and just doesn't even hesitate with a single word as they're walking and talking.

And the repartee is fucking lightning fast dueling, you know, verbiage. It's awful. Yeah. So anyway. But are you not an Aaron Sorkin fan? You could say that. Yeah. Well, then that's not a fair review because I love him.

I love his stuff. Then you might like being the Ricardos. The French Dispatch had a little technical issue. While I was watching the French Dispatch, my TV out of nowhere just exploded because of the adorableness overload. It was so adorable, it just shook off my wall and smashed. So I'm halfway through the French Dispatch. I don't know if I could do—

This is coming from the guy who cut and pasted the story about a neighbor running some Christmas lights to his next-door neighbor because she's an old lady. This is the same human being. That was really a setup for that. She shot him dead on the porch. But yeah, you're right. But no, the French dispatch,

it's just adorable. That's, that's my review. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. You haven't seen it now.

Matrix resurrections. I'm a huge fan of the Matrix And listen to this from the guy that you're criticizing Of being Bah Humbug More than anything, it never gets talked about It's an incredible love story So anyway, there have been two others That I have very little memory of

But now this is the fourth, I believe The Matrix Resurrections And it's in theaters But that shit has flown the coop. I'm not going there. So luckily it's on HBO Max as well, beginning today, the 22nd. So it's been out for three days or four days now. In the theaters or can you get it online? HBO Max, fella.

All right. That sounds like something you want to see in the theater, though. 3 a.m., 12 a.m., Pacific, maybe. I guess that means it's already out last night. Anyway, when people are listening to this, it is out. All right. Let's skip Jay Johnson. Let's hit Florida, man, because I added a couple extras because I'm in Florida, and

there's so much good local news. Here we go. Florida, man. Take so much good local news. Here we go. Florida, man. Take it away, Greg. All right. A Florida man denied ownership of baggies containing cocaine and methamphetamine that cops found, quote, wrapped around his penis during a search early Saturday morning. Investigators say Patrick Florence, 34, was a passenger in a vehicle stopped at 4 a.m.

for traveling without headlights. I don't know how to tie a double knot. So he was traveling without headlights or taillights on a clear water roadway. headlights or taillights on a clear water roadway. So the driver, Darius Owens, was subsequently arrested on DUI and marijuana possession charges. Some people are just living a life that I can't approach. I literally, if I rent a mountain bike when I'm in Golden, Colorado, and I go on a 10 mile mountain bike, I talk about it for weeks like I'm really living my full life. This guy has meth wrapped around his dick

while his stoned friend is speeding in a headlight-free car through the Everglades. I am not living a full life. And more than that. And more than that. Keep, I read ahead. I haven't read this. A search of the vehicle

turned up a handgun under Florence's seat, leading to his arrest on a pair of felony weapons charges. He denied ownership. Who's more fun than these guys? These are the funnest guys around. Hey, what's Danny and Johnny up to tonight?

I don't know. He said something about meth and his dick and a handgun you in i don't know we did that last week these guys well danny those guys are looking to have a little they're looking for fun tonight oh how are they doing that oh you'll see so uh he denied ownership of the gun and the cops who noted that the ex-con's rap sheet includes, quote, dozens of felony convictions, which barred him from possessing firearms and ammunition. So they discovered two plastic baggages wrapped around his penis. By the way. By the way, he's been caught dozens of times yeah that's dozens of convictions yeah in florida which is a one in a thousand conviction rate

on committed felonies uh the question about the narcotics, Florence stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his. I'm holding it for a friend. He should have said it was his buddy. He's like, all right, listen, can I be in a separate room? Have you checked under his seat? There's a handgun. I know you guys have been through this with him dozens of times. He tied this around my

job now this is gonna sound gay but it's really more about the drug use than the homosexuality all right second florida man story this is actually from last week but we forgot to do it a florida man was kicked off a united flight for using a thong as a mask to protect the airlines to to protest the airlines mask mandate. The passenger believed he was in compliance as the thong covered both his nose and mouth, which, by the way, it has on me a couple of times, too. In a flight between Fort Lauderdale and Washington, D.C., airline staff disagreed and removed him from the flight. Jenny, who compared himself to civil rights icon Rosa Parks, said he had previously worn a thong as a mask on several previous flights with varied responses. Yeah, I mean, it's a little selfish because also Susan, the flight attendant, was fired because now she has no underwear. So if he's comparing himself to Rosa Parks, was he sitting in the front row of the plane?

Because this doesn't sound like first class behavior. Oh, man. This sounds like back row behavior. The Rosa Parks comparison is a little bizarre. Yeah, yeah, that is a little bizarre. Yeah. Yeah, that's a tough one. If you're looking for. Is he saying Rosa Parks wore thongs?

I think. Oh, I was going to make a joke. And I literally just bit my tongue because there are no. You can do Helen Keller jokes. You can do Anne Frank jokes. I don't believe you can do Rosa Parks jokes. Oh, come on. Rosa Parks wasn't even the first to do that.

She also, I believe, moved her seat. So, come on. Dude, she sucks. Merry Christmas. Dude, Rosa Parks sucks, dude. Fucking Bernie Taupin sucks. God damn it. Everybody sucks. Rosa Parks sucks dude fucking Bernie Taupin sucks god damn it everybody sucks

Rosa Parks is obviously great why don't you do the third Florida man story Florida teens held after crash oh sorry I read that wrong Florida teens are held after a crash leaves two alligators hanging

from the truck window officers so the officers show up on a scene, and there's a tipped-over SUV, and there are two alligators, an eight-foot and a six-foot, hanging from the rear window of the SUV. And they said they don't know why the SUV's on its side. I have a guess. I think there might have been some commotion in the vehicle that caused it to flip on its side.

So the two youths were fishing and they were unhappy about the reptiles chasing their fishing lines. So they tried to beat these alligators up and then they took them and put them in their SUV and it didn't turn out well for any of them. So that was that story. Again, I'm not living a full life. I, you know, the other day I snuck into a movie with a friend and I was like, so giddy from it. I was inside going, we fucking stuck it in the movie. They've got live alligators in their pickup truck. What am I not doing? Thank God that truck didn't hit Danny and his truck with all the cocaine

wrapped around his penis and the guns under his seat. That can happen in Florida. I know a gun could have gone off and shot one of those poor alligators. Absolutely. Should we go to... Well, what's distracting is all of a sudden you see a guy with a thong on his face.

Do you want to skip Idaho? Yeah, let's go to sports. Here we go to sports uh here we go sports so in the ongoing drama of the tampa bay bet mike uh was down last week for the first time, back in the black after Tampa Bay gets shut out, skunked. I don't think Tom Brady's been skunked in years. I'm not even – I think I read 2006. 2006, he lost 7-0 to the New Orleans Saints, who are a good team, not a great team. Yeah.

It was really weird. I don't know what the COVID injury list was like on that game, though. But anyway. Yeah, they played Sunday, so I don't know. And no one knows with Tampa Bay because they cheat regarding that. Mm. Mm. Yeah, that.

I don't know. I don't think it's New England. Who are the cheaters? I think it's Tom Brady. All right. Let's go to science. Where are we going? Let's do science.

Blinded me. Science. A perfectly kept dinosaur embryo from 66 million years ago was found. Scientists have announced the discovery of an exquisitely preserved dinosaur embryo. It would have grown to two to three meters, which is six and a half to nine point eight feet long if it had lived to be an adult and would have likely fed on plants. Researchers believe the creature. So what happens to me when I read these stories is I get incredibly impressed with the story that they put together. Like all these details, like, I mean, this embryo,

you think it's going to be like this, like it looks fresh, like it's almost still wet. you think it's going to be like this, like it looks fresh, like it's almost still wet. It's basically a fossil. It's this fossilized thing that was buried probably because of a mudslide, they said, that protected it from prey, you know, other animals eating it. So anyway, but then the closer you read, you're like, you know what? They don't have the whole story together. So like the researchers believe the creature is between 72 and 66 million years old think about a million years and now this is six of those that's the range that they pin this in

so it's not i mean still it's pretty but get this it's a little bit like a little kid going, and the little girl is 100,000 million feet tall. A million. Right? Yeah. And then you're like, all right, still. That they narrowed it to that range is impressive. These scientists had their shit sewed together. Then I read the line,

the specimen was one of several egg fossils that were forgotten in storage for decades. Well, to put that in context, decades compared to six million years is not a lot of time. That's a good point. But it was in storage. It was literally like they had it in the museum yeah for decades right right this giant breakthrough that's our lead story in science jesus it is pretty incredible though i mean i and i if i had time and i was going to do this i was going to put together a timeline because I just recently, uh, re listened to the audio book of, uh, Bill Bryson, a brief history of nearly

everything. Oh yeah. I read his, what was there a walk in the woods or something? Uh, he's a, he's a good writer, but he taught, but, but it takes you through the history of time basically and i just realized how little i really get the ice age when dinosaurs were when man was oh until i was 30 i thought dinosaurs and man were at the same time yeah i mean it says here so apparently dinosaurs were around 66 million years ago. How long has man, how long has Homo sapien existed for? How many, is it millions of years or hundreds of thousands of years or tens of thousands of years? I think it's two years since they could identify as Homo sapien and you couldn't question it. How many? Two years.

How many? Two years. The best. Your connection is so bad that I don't know if you're hearing me in real time, but you just went, how many? My joke was, it's been two years since you could identify as homo sapien and no one could question it. Ah, that's good. That was a good one and I ruined it. That could have been our clip for the week.

It was funny. It was funny. Well, Chris Denman just wrote in 6,000 according to that guy on the wall behind Greg. But how confusing is our time going to be? So let's say this disease wipes us out, right? Or it gets so hot we get wiped out. And then a few million years later, life somehow comes back or whatever. They're going to be like, all right, these people in the 2000s, they, first of all, I don't know if they'll call it the 2000s,

but they'll be like, they had cell phones and dinosaur embryos. Like how are they going to decipher what what we're studying versus what we have? And they all seem to have big tits and big dits and big asses because that's all that'll be left. Everything will decompose except for all the Botox. Yeah. All right. Bags just in every coffin. All right. We got to move right along to.

Where are we going? Let's do some letters to the editor. Here it is. Okay. Oh, Christmas is in the air. Let's do it. Oh, my God. This woman is caught up in the holiday spirit.

Joanne, I seem to really have a crush on these guys. Thank guys thank you joanne that's a nice time of year to hear that that's wonderful and happy hunica back at you um and then this was uh daniel preston wrote in hey greg probably the reason mike couldn't find the video of the the Florida teacher having sex with her underage students is because it would be child porn. If he had watched it, he would be arrested for viewing it. If anyone is under 18, don't try to find it. Charles is right. And we talked about that as soon as we stopped recording. We're like, yeah, you don't want that on your computer and you don't want to see it. I do. But you don't want to see it, I do.

But you don't want to see it. There's nothing I want to see more than a 20-year-old teacher and her 60. There's nothing. If there's a category, get rid of all my categories on YouPorn except for that one. And that is a double standard. Literally, very truthfully, truthfully, truthfully, I would never, ever, ever want to see. It's weird to even say this. I would never want to see a 20-year-old male teacher with a 16-year-old female student.

I even feel like a creep having to say that. Flip it, and I'm looking for it. I'm in. By the way, that was from Charles McLennan. I mixed up. The next email is from Daniel Preston, who says, I'm writing in response to the question about how old you have to be to be a substitute teacher. I am a 20-year-old. I graduated from trade school at 19 and work part-time as a coach at a high school. Because I obtained my coaching license, that allows me to become a building sub for the high school I work at. So he coaches?

So being a jock makes you qualified to be a substitute teacher? Is that just because they know you can break up fights? How about this, Daniel? Who gives a shit about male 20-year-old substitute teachers? No one. Right, that's not a category on my uniform. The students don't.

We don't. We don't care. I'm not going to try to find videos of you. All right, let's get to the funnies. It's the holidays. Let's get to the funnies. Oh, geez. I did not grab a family circus.

Oh, boy. You go ahead. I'm going to grab one. I'm going to read this first one. We're going to read it blind. A viewer sent us this one, and I just loved it. I don't know who the cartoonist is. It is a beautiful little living room scene.

There's a Christmas tree up, there's presents. Santa Claus has his bag, and he's unloading presents. And there's a little boy in his pajamas and he's on the stairs and he looks at santa and santa looks at him and santa says i'm sorry you saw me timmy now i'll have to kill you and i think it's kind of old so that joke wasn't as old then you know i think it was really impressive no no i do i think you know? Oh, really? I think it was more impressive. Is it old? No, no, I do.

I think, you know, because that's the whole, if I tell you, I have to kill you. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I think this one is before that was very hack, you know? So funny. Hager the Horrible. Hager the Horrible. He's pulling off in a boat. It's a Viking ship, and there's a bunch of Vikings and they're all waving at

the dock and on the dock are a bunch of the wives and they're waving, waving handkerchiefs. And in the air you hear, bye, bon voyage, safe journey. And then there's a good, somebody says,

good riddance. And Hager just looks back and he goes, I'll just say it was Helga. And it's like, yeah, back and he goes i'll just say it was helga and it's like yeah she may be a little bit miffed that you're gonna go off and rape for a couple years god knows what kind of medieval venereal diseases helga is catching two weeks after hagger gets back into port again can you imagine the burning the scabies the scabs the pus i mean those were not that wasn't chlamydia back then that was some hardcore medieval shit and just knowing that how those diseases were so

hard hard fight like they were they were earned the hard way. Yeah, and there was no penicillin shot. Hold on one second. Here's Olivia. Wait, hold on, Greg. Olivia, I'm in the middle of the podcast. What's going on? I forgot my medication.

Can you please pick it up at mom? All right, I'll text you in a couple minutes. Bye. All righty. All right, so Andy Andy Cap, real quick, Andy is walking home with Flo, and he says, never mind about wait until we get home.

Let's have it out right here and right now. And she says, old me shopping purse. And he holds her shopping bag, and then she punches him in the face, and he falls over backwards. And he says, they have no trouble acting like men, but when it comes to acting like a gentleman.

So more domestic abuse for the holidays from Andy Kapp this week. Perfect. All right. Here goes a blind read of Family Circus. It's the family sitting around there. It looks like they're opening Christmas cards. They're on the couch. And then the daughter is looking up at them and pointing.

And she's saying, quote, every time you open a Christmas card, are you supposed to say, did we send them one? Oh, OK. But you know what? Merry Christmas. We're not even going to comment on it. How about that? How about that? Let's just move forward.

Okay. Here's Blondie and Dagwood like a piece of fucking zero is sitting in his chair. Blondie is knitting. If she's not cooking or cleaning or shopping, she's fucking knitting and he does nothing. And she goes, Dagwood, I'm going to need more money this week. And he goes, money, money. That's all I hear around here.

Huh? What? He says, don't you know there's a limit to what a wife should spend? What? So she says, yes, dear, I know there's a limit to what a wife should spend what so she says yes dear i know there's a limit but i always run out of money before i reach it and he falls off the chair and lands on the dog screaming huh the only reason she doesn't have enough money is because you fucking sleep at work because you have never tried to achieve beyond the lowest fucking modicum of what needs you have been gifted this yellow haired beauty i believe she has green eyes she's

a 34 double d and you barely fucking punch the clock and now you're gonna complain that she needs more money. All righty. Then what's she buying? Sandwich meat. She's probably buying presents for him. Yes. Yes. All right. Listen, we hate to cut it short,

but it is the holidays. My whole family's in the next room listening to me scream about Viking herpes. And that's got to be touching for them. I have an idea. This is a great idea for Christmas for you.

Buy your mom wifi. That's a great, I'm going to do that. Am I buying it for her? Does she, does she need it? You will have more zooms with her. Uh, so I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's a win-win, but I think, I think she'd love it. Now, having been in the apartment for 12 hours,

I already have a list. She needs a teapot that has a top on it because I tried to pour my wife's tea this morning and literally almost dropped it on my feet because it's scalded. There's no top on the fucking teapot. There's a, there's a,

whatever. I have a list of shit that's broken in the house that I'm on my way out to get right now. A couple of tarps to cover the artwork. I put that on the list as well. Buy a little bit of pink paint and put a smile on Jesus' face. We all know where he's headed. Should we air this on Saturday, Christmas morning? Uh, no, it's a Sunday papers.

I could come out a little early on the holiday. Anyway, just a thought. All right, we'll discuss it. If you're listening to this on a Saturday, it's because of me. If you're listening to this on a Sunday,

it's because of Greg. And if you're not listening to this at all, it's because last week we announced we weren't doing a show this week. You still there? Hello. Can you hear me now? Oh my God. Did we just lose you? Really? Am I gone? Oh wait, I'm back. Am I back? Hello? Now I hear you. You're back. All right,'re now and if you're not listening to this podcast at all it's because we told you there was no podcast last week um all right it comes in their feed yeah but what about next week next week we're gonna have the week off for reels and so for new year's eve you're gonna have to find another new year's day you're gonna have to have another way to nurse your hangover than listening to sunday papers because we're gonna be taking the

week off our first week off in the history of the show. You know, I wonder if we can put in the feed a repeat from like last New Year's. I guess. But I think they're all available. I think they can just go back and listen to that on their own. Of course they can, but I'm just saying, you know. All right, man. Well, listen, you have your hands full down there.

I hope everybody is healthy and no one gets it and that your mom gets Wi-Fi. And send my best to her for sure. She had quite a year. You have a lot to be thankful for. Yes, I feel very, very happy to be around her. I'm enjoying it. And my love to your family and my best, your mom and, uh, to mid coast media. We thank you guys so much for all your hard work

this year. I know we mentioned it last week, but you show up weekend and week out and do an outstanding job. And we thank you and the listeners. Thank you guys. And, uh, and we'll see you in 2022. We should send Midco some mugs. That's what I'm thinking. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, not money. They'd rather mugs because money, anyone can give them money.

No, no. Once you have a mug, you can put money in the mug. That's a good point. And they can do that all year. And if they're hung up on money, well, they could give us money for the mug and then they'll know it's really worth money. You know, like the mug will mean more to them. Right, right, right. They'll truly understand the equity of the mug.

Yes. All right. I think that's a good idea. And I'll text you about my dad coming to your show to get COVID. Fantastic. All right. We'll see you later. Take it eesh. Fantastic. All right. We'll see you later. Take it easy. Take it easy. Sunday papers Time with Greg and Mike

Sunday Papers Read about it Sunday Papers The time is right For a crackin' mic Sunday papers, you believe the lie Harder than a four-legged man

Just ask your man Just ask your man Yeah Yeah. Yeah.