Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 96 1/9/22

Episode Date: January 9, 2022

New Years Predictions are made and we look back at our predictions for 2021. Lot of fun facts about Siamese twins and tributes to Betty White and Sir Sidney Poitier. Oh yeah, and there’s a woman selling her farts in jars.   Support the show by visiting audible.com/papers or text "papers" to 500-500.   

You're all about the weekly news While Greg and Mike keep us amused By telling jokes, try not to lie Fact-checking's another type And we're all about it The jokes will soon begin Hot off the press Did you get my gonorrhea story in there? No, no, no.

I'm just saying, are we going to start this thing? All right, here we go. Oh, we're going to go now? Happy New Year, man. Read all about it! read all about it read all about it 2022 coming in with a bang a lot of predictions it's gonna be a big week in the sunday papers are you coming in hot coming in hot uh 2022 hey now riddling time we had a week paper is brought to you by riddling and caffeine from a lovely mug

oh look at that look at that mug look at that mug the uh there's only seven left that's a beautiful color they said yeah why are you giving me such shit about the maroon color are you wearing a maroon jacket yes right now yes you have a maroon jacket with your maroon mug. Yeah. And what did I wear playing golf yesterday? Yeah. A maroon. Was it a hat too? Maroon hat and a maroon sweatshirt. What is it with you and maroon? You know, calling someone a maroon is an insult.

You're maroon. I'm listening to Maroon 5 right now. Oh my God. And watching Gilligan's island in the background i saw some joke or whatever but it's all wordplay but it's kind of funny i mean i hate my kids know so maroon 5 is the band i hate the most i hate him hate hate five hates a strong word i hate adam levine right i just hate him and uh someone anyway the the punchline ended up being like well why don't we try maroon four for a while oh i just realized i didn't have my microphone in front of me you know what people are probably grateful

is that your is that your gift to them oh my god i God. I got to get my shit together. I have been in a fog ever since the year started, and I can't taste anything. Well, first of all, wait. Just on a literal, taking you literally for a second. You know, a lot of people are complaining. It's like, you know, this is the week. It's like, all right, let's get back in our groove. There's no groove.

There's no groove. There's no groove. There's no groove. Everyone is having such trouble. Like, is it a new normal? Is this a new abnormal? Like, what is happening? I think I feel lost. I think about how, you know, everybody thinks when they when you work for yourself the way you and I do, you always in the back of your mind, you have a fear that it is going to end because work begets work and momentum is critical.

And with this pandemic, the momentum stopped. And so suddenly people are having to relaunch their careers, literally, because you're not talking to people that are going to get you a job. You're just holed up masturbating and yelling at your dog. What? You should talk to people about that. That's in the interview. That's the first thing you bring up. I'm going to bring the dog.

I have to. Otherwise, he's going to piss on the floor if I leave him alone. That's not a bad. I mean, I know people kind of do in ways beg for a job. But if you're like, it's down to three of us. All right. This is what you would be doing if you hired me. I would stop playing with myself and masturbating my dog.

Is that how you phrase it? So you would be saving a soul. Yeah. How's that for a little extra layer on your choice here? I, in theory, come to my office. I forget it. I don't want to get into it.

I don't want to get into it. We're a clean podcast in 2022. Isn't that what we discussed? Well, usually we read the letters to the editor at the end of the show, but I'm going to read this one because it really made me laugh. Oh, all right. We can be clean.

I watched Jim Gaffigan's Hour last night. So this guy, Chuck Reese, says, Subject matter. Just why? Just why dot, dot, dot, dot. Okay. I have tried to listen to your podcast, but I don't want to hear about you jerking off or any of your choir boy antics. The show usually starts good.

Off you go jerking off or talking about other things that aren't even funny. There is no doubt soon enough you will talking about sucking each other off behind the quote-unquote club soon. I guess that's Penmar, the golf course. Can't do it anymore. New Year podcast. Good luck in the future. Bye now. Oh, come back.

Tell them we talked about them. First of all, note taken. Note taken. You've been heard, sir. I feel like this was an editorial meeting of the show, and you make a good point that we do talk about jerking off a lot. My mother even said, she listens to my podcast, she goes, I don't mind all the cursing, it's the jerking off.

All right, here's the thing. Less cursing, cleaner, and I don't think we're sacrificing anything. That's my whole point. If we were sacrificing something, I'd I'm going to curse this show probably. But it would only be, you know, when kind of needed. All right. Twenty twenty two. We're going to focus on talking about jerking off. Now, is that me? We're going to not jerk off as much or we're just not going to talk about it as much. That guy can. That's an overreach, so to speak. Hey, what's that guy's name? Email him back. Tell him we had a meeting and it was we should put his face on the mug for 2022. He just had we just had a staff meeting and he called it, which is weird. And I think on the other side of the mug will just be a cock with a hand on it and a line. There you go. How fast did this devolve into that?

Sorry. All right. Sorry. No more talk about that. Welcome to 2022. And, you know, for the Jim Gaffigan fans, we're here for you. Clean as a whistle. I got to watch that hour again because I was cocktailing it a little bit.

It had me laughing real – because, listen, the thing about Gaffigan, he's like, you know, he's clean. You think you know what you're getting, right? But he goes to crazy town. Like, in other words, he's always had that where he's not going to bore you. And then he can go off on a – I got to remember what he, I will not remember it, but around three quarters of the way through it, he hit his stride, man. It was really funny. Yeah, I mean, when I started with him in New York, he was a really edgy, dark, creative, funny comic.

And he's still very funny, but he's obviously become much more G-rated. And I think he's built a huge following of families. And then he came out and he spoke out against Trump, which was very much not his demographic. His demographic, I believe, was across the board. You know, Trump supporters, non-Trump supporters. And I think he probably lost a huge chunk of his audience by coming out and being political, but he did it. And I respected him for that. He mentioned, I know I do this at great peril or whatever. And because, yeah, he has a lot of like

the guy, you know, I'm a guy, you know, and anyway, really funny. It was very funny. My mom wishes so much that I was Jim Gaffigan. She would trade me for him in a second. She's so embarrassed by my comedy. Are you saying this so as she listens to this podcast, she reconsiders it and maybe loves you more? Oh. Yeah, I think.

All right. What do we got? How was your break? We took a break. I'll tell you what, man. This pandemic, everyone should be trying to keep a low profile. I have been away. I spent a week in Florida, the biggest hot spot in the country with my mom.

We had an amazing time. I showed you the Jesusesus christ oil painting on the wall somebody wrote in later that that's actually a salvador dali painting that's pretty famous and i looked it up and it's worth like 60 million dollars so i don't know what the one in her room is worth but um um it was great it was great seeing her i really love my mom she's a very says you know she's a very special i love your mom she just makes everybody feel special she's got a real gift and uh and then i did some shows down there i did a christmas night show which was one of those depressing evenings in my life i would never do that again oh really yeah it was like a lot a lot of people came alone

and bought tickets to a stand-up comedy show on Christmas by themselves. And I was like doing crowd work and realizing that that's what this crowd was. And which made me feel like on one hand, well, good. We're giving them something. You know, they were giving them some joy on Christmas night. But it was also like I left Christmas dinner early. And, you know, it was weird. It was weird.

This is Christmas Day? I did a show Christmas night. Right. Okay. So, I guess so. I always put the emphasis on Christmas Eve. Like, that's the dinner I think of when I think of Christmas dinner. That was our big dinner.

That was our big dinner. Okay. Leftovers. So, you left leftovers. That was our big dinner. That was our big dinner. Okay. And then. So you left leftovers. Who cares? Did that. And then went to New Jersey and did the Stress Factory in New Brunswick on New Year's Eve. We did two shows.

A lot of people canceled the day of and the day before. So it was only, it wasn't full. It was in a tent, a giant tent outside the club. Oh my God. Okay. And I bombed. not gonna lie to you Wow, really? Well, both sets were good up until about 45 minutes in

And then people just started fading They started getting distracted And I was just up there just throwing dick jokes I had a bag of dick jokes And I'm just throwing them out like raw meat to a Jersey crowd. Like, come on. Like a paper boy just on his bike? Yes.

Throwing out dick jokes. Another guy up front helping me. And, you know, it was just old Italian guys in track suits and gold jewelry talking back a lot. It was a lot of that. Wow. That's brutal.

It was brutal. It was brutal. Happy New Year to you. Yeah. you man what'd you do new year's eve uh new year's eve what did i do new year's eve uh why am i not remembering oh i did not because i did nothing so i was trapped i got stuck in jackson hole wy, well, a little. I went and I played, whatever. So, I went to Jackson Hole. So, super simple. Non-stop flight. It's like less than two hours from LA. Non-stop flight there. And I went up after Christmas, like let's say Monday or Tuesday, right? No, Monday. It was supposed to be Monday to Friday. Short trip, four nights, uh, flight canceled.

And it was canceled as I was pulling in on the way back on the way there. Oh, um, they blamed, they blamed it on weather, but Jack who's in Jackson holes, like every, every flight's landing. Like that's just, it's, it's short staff, which is, you know, the reason for most cancellations. So I hop on my phone standing in American Airlines and totally within minutes had found a flight to Sun Valley. All the flights to Salt Lake were sold out because everyone was dealing with this problem. Also, all these cancellations. So going to a hub was a big, a big solution for people. Salt Lake's the hub. I then find a flight to Sun Valley, Idaho. Direct. Direct.

And then I change it. I'm like, can I rent a car there and then drive the three and a half hours, four hours to Jackson? And can I return my car at the Jackson airport? Fine. All good. Do it, land, driving. And it's such a bad snowstorm that the shortcut as the crow flies is closed. They closed the road. So now I have to go. That's a famous road that gets closed a lot. That's the one that connects Park City also, right? I'm not sure.

We're way above Utah. Okay. No, but there is that one down there. No, but this one for people that know in Idaho, it goes by this thing literally called like rocks of the moon or so. It's you go through a place that looks like the moon, which I didn't get to because the road was closed. So one funny story, though, in Idaho. So I walk into places. I'm going to go stay with a family. Right. So I'm wearing a mask. Not only are there zero masks in Idaho, but they look at you like you're the pussy from the city. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. So I'm driving and now it's, by the way, five hours in snow and icy roads and I'm driving and I pull in this gas station has a subway. I'm like, all right, I can get a turkey sandwich, something that's not going to be the worst thing for me, maybe.

So I pull anyway, subway go in. Not only are the subway, the two subway people making sandwiches, not wearing, not wearing masks. And as I'm standing there and I'm online, I'm the only one with a mask on online. And I look, but they're not wearing gloves. And I'm like, hold on. Really? I'm like only one with a mask on online. And I look, but they're not wearing gloves. And I'm like, hold on. Really? I'm like, hold on. Putting the pandemic aside, didn't gloves predate this virus when you're making someone's sandwich?

Right. So I was like, yeah, thanks. I'm going to get the prepackaged burrito that's in the freezer. You did? And just go nuke it. Yeah. Really? A safer route than having an unmasked, ungloved kid making my sandwich in Idaho.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of ball scratching and earwax. There's a lot of stuff going on with those kids. I'm going to go stay with the family. I can't walk into their house with COVID. Oh, and Jack's wife already had COVID. So she was coming out of it, and somehow her family didn't get it.

Yeah. Anyway, one other quick story. So when you're in Idaho, you have to go- What kind of car were you driving, by the way? They gave me in Sun Valley, I think that's all they had there really, but this small, I think it was a Jeep, but four-wheel drive. Oh, nice. It was four-wheel, which helps.

So going over the pass in Jackson Hole. Have you been on that pass from Idaho to Jackson Hole? No. It closes very, very often in winter, right? It's a pretty treacherous when it's ice and snow. So I am going up the pass from Idaho and I'm following this guy. Thank God. Because really the only thing I can see

are his taillights. And I'm just following like, you know, a safe distance behind and we are crawling up the pass. We get to the top of the pass and the guy pulls over. I'm like, well, I'm pulling over too. Like he's probably taking a little breather, right? He has a much better truck than I do in the whole thing. And it's only two of us. We didn't see anyone else on this pass. And it's kind of late at night now. It's like 11 p.m. or something. So I pull over, and then I realize it's a standoff.

Yeah. And I'm like, dude, are you serious? And it's snowing so hard. So finally I'm like, ah. So I'm like, maybe he has an issue. Maybe he's taking a nap. All understandable. I pull out and go on or he immediately pulls behind me oh no shit yeah and that's fair is fair and that was my turn but as you know downhill is way more treacherous than uphill right and he's just gonna watch me just lock the brakes, unfortunately, at one point, and just slide off the mountain.

Right. Is there a guardrail? White sometimes. And it was a white knuckle ride down. I'm learning how to treat an automatic transmission like a manual, you know? I have it totally in the gear mode, going down gears. But it's a shitty car. So, like, if i go in a lower gear

too much it really slows down and every time i did that it slid yeah whoa no shits yeah i'm jerking off the whole way down so they're back to 2021 mom did I ever tell you about the gig I did in North Dakota? I was, it was a road. I don't know if you're driven in North Dakota, but the roads are literally a straight line for 40 miles to the next town. Just through fucking fields, nothing flat. And so I'm doing this college and i gotta get there it's like a it's like a three hour drive on this road and i get on it and a fucking halfway there whiteout blizzard hits and i suddenly

all like you said all i saw was the tail lightsights of an 18-wheeler in front of me. So I am locked in like a fucking video game. I'm staring at it. I can't even see the tire tracks, but I can see his lights. You're drafting behind this guy. I'm drafting, and I'm going, and then his red lights start to turn pink, and then they start to fade, and then they're gone. I lost them. Don't speed up to catch them.

I don't even know where the fucking road is. So I just move to the right, and I wait. And I was like, I'm waiting for another car. Hopefully they don't fucking hit me from behind. And then all of a sudden, whoosh, truck comes by. I jump in behind him and i just for three hours i just locked in and i stayed behind this fucking truck and i got there and uh and the show it was supposed to be one show but the school was locked down so none of the kids had gone out they were

all around and there was so many kids and the theater only held like a couple hundred so they asked me to do two shows so after fucking four hours of white knuckle driving i got on stage and i did two one hour shows different material at each one just fucking ranted about north dakota it was like it was the greatest night it was it was such a fucking rush uh all right one more driving on ice story so uh at one point i'm coming back i think it was might have been even new year's eve anyway i'm driving on the ice road from the mountain to wilson wyoming right it's you've been on it's a straight this straight road so i'm driving on it and this car has automatic high beams do you know what that is yeah Yeah. And it's a little annoying.

But anyway, as soon as it senses a car coming, it dims them. So it sensed a car coming, even though it's in the snow, and it dims them. And the guy then gives me the brights, brights, like, turn your brights off. And I let it go. I'm like, they're off. So then he cranks his, and we're going very slowly. And he cranks them again. I'm like, they're off. So then he cranks his, and, you know, we're going very slowly, and he cranks them again. I'm like, dude, they're not on, and he does it a third time.

I'm like, fuck this guy. You want to see what high beams look like? So I blast my high beams as he's passing me, and I look over to see what idiot this guy is. Like, I'm trying to look through my icy, you know, driver's side window. As I look at him, I'm like, what kind of idiot is that? And I can't see him and make him out. I turned back to the road, six elk right in front of me.

Oh shit. He was trying to warn me about the elk. That was his flashing of his high beams. And I, I, did I i say i think i sent you the video of it and yeah yeah and so i lock i lock up the brakes and i'm slowly sliding towards this elk and the elk aren't moving not the brightest animal right and even one of them looked at me like dude like you're you're this is going to be close and I come to a stop like five feet away from these elk and they're gigantic. In fact, I thought they were a moose.

I thought they were like female moose or a moose without the, without, you know, without its rack on. But no elk. A lot of them. Damn. Yeah. I don't know that I would know the difference between an elk and a moose. Well,

of course you do when they have their full, you know, uh, moose are bigger and they got the bigger rack. Both of those are true. Of course. Yes. But these things,

man, they were, they were bigger than I thought for sure. What's the closest you ever came to being attacked by an animal? Uh, that's a good story. I mean, that's a good question. I have to think about it. I don't know.

I was attacked by a German shepherd once. Really? Yeah. Me and my friend Josh, we had dirt bikes, and we used to ride on these trails. But we had dirt bikes and we used to ride on these trails and underneath the power lines. You know, anytime you see power lines going through, you know, wherever, there's always a service road. And it's always that's that's where you ride dirt bikes because it's always a great fucking trail. So we were doing that. And then we came across a Girl Scout camp. And at the time we were probably like 14. So we were like, all right, let's go see some Girl Scouts.

So we pull into the camp, and all of a sudden, this fucking German shepherd, it was like trained to guard the girls, just fucking came at me. And I took off, and the thing lunged and grabbed my ass. And I had to stop. I had to fucking stop the bike bike and he wouldn't let go wow and the counselors came over and i was like get this fucking dog off of me and it took a minute and then they got the dog off and i'm telling you man i had a bruise a puncture the

skin i went and got a shot wow i went and uh i had aise. It was like somebody had hit me with a baseball bat. That's how sore my ass was for like five days. Jeez. Yeah. There should be, like when dogs sense you running away, it's kind of like mission accomplished. You know what I mean? Yeah.

They should, although I guess you want to catch the guy, especially the perv coming up to the girls' situation. I'm not a perv if I'm 14 and they're 13. There's nothing wrong with that. All right. Chris just posted moose are six to seven feet at the shoulder. 1,000 pounds elk are four to five feet at the shoulder. 600 pounds.

Man, these elk were bigger than that. I'll tell easily. I mean, I mean, you know, I'm only thinking about the five feet, but I have video of them. But anyway. Also, I think the elks wear like pla the five feet, but I have video of them. But anyway. Also, I think the Elks wear plaid blazers, don't they? When they go to their Elks club? Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right.

Where's my video of the Elk? Anyway, here it is. These freaking things. Maybe that's five feet at the shoulder. All right, so today is a very special day, as our listeners know, having listened to us now for two years. Every year. And actually, it precedes Sunday Papers,

because you used to come on Fitz Dog Radio, and we would do this at the beginning of every year. We make our predictions. Oh. And the following year, we pay it off, and we see who is more present, who is. Oh. And the following year, we pay it off, and we see who is more present, who is, yeah. So let's go through last year's and make some for next year.

Drum roll, please. You got it. Okay. That was a cat. Last year. Now, remember, this is the, as far as football goes, the playoffs have not even begun yet. So there's still, out of 32 teams, there's probably, what, 16 still in play?

No idea, sports guy. No idea. All right, but we're going to make our picks last year. At this same time, we made our picks for the Super Bowl, and you took the Kansas City Chiefs. I took the Green Bay Packers, even though we had and still have a standing bet that I take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

I don't know why I didn't pick them, and I didn't. And we both lost because, in fact, Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl. That was insane. Insane. So the question is, who will win this year? All right. Who do you think?

Sadly, I think Green Bay is going to win, but I don't want them to. But I think they will. You think Green Bay? Yeah. I'm looking at the standings here. Is that cheating? Yeah. 13-3?

Wow. I don't know, man. Cowboys? I'm going to narrow it down. I like that. The Super Bowl is going to be Cowboys versus the Bills. I think the Bills are going to win the Super Bowl. All right.

I know nothing about it, but boy, what an underdog story. Do they still have that running back? What's his name? I think he was injured for part of this season. He was the best running back in the league. You're asking the wrong guy. They had a guy who was the best running back in the league, and I think he was injured for part of this season. He was the best running back in the league. You're asking the wrong guy. They had a guy who was the best running back in the league, and I think he got injured.

I don't know if he's back, but that would be a huge factor. Bills have won three in a row, man. Okay. All right, done. And it's being played in Los Angeles this year, right? Oh, that's right, it is. Yeah, we should Airbnb our houses out. Make some moolah.

Oh, yeah. I'm not allowed to do that, but okay. Oh, and by the way, last year, one of the predictions was, will it be delayed? You said it would. I said it would not. So, so far, I have one point,

and you have none. The Super Bowl wasn't delayed at all last year no huh okay uh really it wasn't even delayed a week nope okay i'm gonna look that up i don't believe the next thing i think it was february 6th um stock market last year, of course, you, the turtle, the pessimist, said the stock market would go down. I said it would go up. It, in fact, went up quite a bit, about 20% this year. Contrary to all of Trump's predictions about what the economy would do under Joe Biden, contrary to what you would think would happen during a pandemic, somehow the stock market went up.

It's uncanny. It's wrong. By the way, Super Bowl is February 7th, 2021. Right. So it was not delayed. Oh, you'll just agree with any date, won't you? Okay. So I've got two right so far. you've got none all right that's all right

yeah that's good bitcoin i said it was it was at 33 000 last year you said it would go down of course i said it would go up in fact it went up to 43 000 from 33 000 so that's three. Wait a minute. Three nothing. Bitcoin's at 43 right now? Yeah. It's plummeting, by the way. You know that? It just lost 300% or something like that?

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, everyone's talking about it because the higher interest rates, what that'll do to it. Again, I don't know what I'm talking about. Because higher interest rates brings inflation down. Put it this way. You said it was at 43,000. And Bitcoin is a hedge for inflation.

It's already down to 41,000. Wait, are we making predictions for next year? What did you say about the stock market? Stock market next year. Up or down, Mike? Down. Down, of course. I am going to say up just because it seems to only go up for- How did you say up last year?

That doesn't make any sense to me now that I'm focusing. All right, whatever. Because I felt like the infrastructure bill was going to juice the economy, and it did. You were wrong. That's what did it. All right, go ahead. What else? Bitcoin's going to be down.

Bitcoin, you say it's going to be down? I'm going to be down. Bitcoin. You say it's going to be down? I'm going to say up. Okay. What are you saying? I'm going to say Bitcoin next year will be up. And as we're making this prediction, change it to it's at 41K right now. Okay. All right.

COVID. COVID what? You and I somehow, somehow have not gotten COVID. COVID what? You and I somehow, somehow have not gotten COVID. We've had family members have it in our own homes. We've traveled to the worst, who expelled air in my direction five times a weekend, about 15 weekends this year. More contagious is when they boo, that forceful, ooh, right at you. No, they're not saying boo. They're saying, ooh. I'm kind of sexy on stage. Oh, all right.

So either way, it's forceful and disgusting. Will we get COVID next year? I predict I will. Yes. I say we both will. I who will get it? Here we go. Who will get it first?

Me. Oh, you might be right. I'm going to I'm going to'm gonna say me but wait where are you going where you go I am I'm gonna fucking kill you on this one I am heading out next weekend I'm in Boston the 13th to the 15th at Laugh Boston the following weekend weekend, I'm in Portland. These are the most organic plugs you've ever done on this show. Go ahead. January 20th through 22. And then I'm in Syracuse, January 28th and 29th at the Funny Bone. Then I'm in Lexington, Kentucky, February 24th through 26th. So, so how do you beat that? Good luck. Good luck.

All right. I think I have it right now, but I've thought that. So when I, when we went to Jack, we went skiing, so the first thing we took up was the tram. The tram is 60 people. By the way, it's tram sexual. Who are literally touching, you're jammed in there in this box that goes up the mountain. It's not a gondola. It's a tram. And so everyone's thinking the same thing. I got to be

near the periphery, near these little slivers of windows. And so what happens is everyone's doing that. You're on ski boots. You're holding your skis and poles. And all of a sudden, there's a vortex that happens like March of the Penguins. And all of a sudden, it's like, no, it's your, I'm right in the middle of the tram furthest place from any window jack and i are just like whoa we're gonna get it these fucking bros are in there pulling down their masks joking blowing on each other no yes and by the way the tram then doesn't move and you see because it's it was it was five below zero, you see everybody's breath. Oh my God.

In the tram. And it's like you're in this Petri dish, which is incredibly humid with hot breath. Damn. And I didn't get it. Yeah. I don't know how. It's uncanny.

I think I might've built up my immunity. Can I say that? I don't want to sound like I don't know anything about COVID, but is it possible that I've been exposed at a low rate for the last two years or the last year? And so now I've built up a tolerance? I'm not a doctor, but that sounds like the worst logic I've ever heard.

Well, it's true of other things. It's true of colds and flus. We each have three jabs, right? Yep. We each have three jabs. That helps. But boy, we're going. We each have three jabs. That helps. But boy, we're going. You were in Florida and New York.

I was in Idaho, Montana. I mean, I was derided for wearing a mask. And it's all, by the way, Jackson Hole County. Did you see the headline I sent you? Yeah. Number one in the country per capita COVID rate. Wow. Jesus.

It's also the wealthiest county. I know we're going to get letters saying that's not true. All right, so what's your final thing? Are we both getting it this year? Or who's going to get it first? Yeah, I mean, and as we were trying to look up, does most of the country have it now? No, 39%.

39% of the country has had COVID. 40%? Yeah. 40 percent. God, it seems like it should be way higher than that. I mean, everyone when I ask audiences, because sometimes I'll say to the audience who here has had covid, I would say it looks like about 40 percent each time I ask. Really? Yeah. I would think with that group, because that's not exactly a fair focus group, those are people who really go out for any reason at all if they're going to see you in a club. So these are people who don't like being at home. No, they are gluttons for punishment. They're people that don't mind being in pain.

Yeah. Yeah. So, wow. I think we're going to get it. I don't know how you avoid it. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't send us letters on your theories if it's a good thing and if it's going to lead to mass immunity or whatever the hell it's called. All right.

We have a yearly prediction of earthquakes because you're obsessed with the pending earthquake in Californiaia which you predicted would happen this year the big one so overdue you said yes i said no once again i am correct and you are wrong okay all right so uh let's see then we got will trump peacefully leave the white house you said yes i said no now this is uh this is a tough one this is a tough one i mean he did he did technically leave the white house peacefully he bordered and it was very surprising he boarded us-1 helicopter whatever the freak it's called and uh like every other president before i'm a little a little you know, not as graceful. Not as graceful?

He skipped the inauguration. He didn't go. Not as grateful. He didn't go to the fucking inauguration. All right. No need to drop the F-bomb with this guy. He's a little frustrating. Cursing.

So I win that one. All right. So you get that one. We forgot to predict if there'll be an earthquake next year. Do we even have... you're going to – You're sticking with no, you loser. I am sticking with no. All right.

I mean, you know, listen, we did have earthquakes and fairly – there was a big one nearby, a seven that we felt here. No, we're talking about structural damage earthquake. Yeah, I got it. No, no, I'm not contesting this result. And yes is the answer for this coming year. The next question was, will Trump be charged? Well, we both said yes, so it's a wipe anyway.

But was he charged? I mean, in New York State, he was charged, right? I think he's been charged. I mean, he's been impeached twice. But do you mean charged? I think he's been charged. I mean, he's been impeached twice. Yeah. But do you mean charged? When did he do this? I think we meant like, will the New York state prosecutor charge him with tax fraud or evasion or anything like that?

I guess it's to be determined, but I guess it's a no for now. Yeah. So we're both wrong. It's a no. You know, it would be interesting. When did we do this last year? Do you have the date? I think it was January 8th. Oh. I know. Third. It was January 3rd. OK, well, that's because I think. Right. That was before January 6th. Yeah. Yep. Because I think both of us would have said he will not leave peacefully after having seen January 6th.

Right, right, right. Okay. Then there was, this was a big one. Will Mike be in a relationship? I said yes. You said no. Look at that. Nothing to speak of.

Congratulations, Mike. Yeah. For being alone again You fucking love it Look at this closet You think things have changed? Do you see any women's clothing in here? Yeah

Do you want a relationship in 2022? That's a great question Let me get back to you in 23 I don't know. I'm finding myself, I guess I'll increase my chances of getting COVID if I were in a relationship, right? No, because then you'll go out less. When you're dating somebody, you kind of just stay in. No, but you have their whole pool. It's kind of like the STDs. You have everyone that they're exposed to. So you're literally, that's that big of a factor in whether or not you'll get in a relationship?

Or is that a hedge? It's actually zero. Zero factor whatsoever in that. I don't know. I don't know. Things are changing. You know, I'm not getting younger. Time's going on.

But I did talk to friends who were married ones and single ones. And when I was in Jackson Hole. Right. And part of it is and it's a fear like and I've talked about this even on dates where it's like, are you afraid you're getting too picky? And that's what seems to happen. Yeah. Right. Because you're like, because now it's like one wrong thing. It's like, you know, I want to watch Orange is the New Black. I'm like, well, this will not work. In other words, that's all it takes. Yeah, yeah. So, or one little thing, and it's like, wait a minute.

I mean, I think the answer is, I think more and more married people are going to live separately. Yeah. You have your own retreat. You know that that's a very popular new design is the two master bedrooms. We have a friend and I'll tell you after the show who it is. And they designed a house and they built two bedrooms and they're not next to each other. Yep. Well, I remember the i did a thing back when he was a hot name but we did oh we did a parody i was working for a late night show i forgot which one and the osbournes was on and so we did the steins with ben stein and his family

and which was pretty funny but when we got to their house in Beverly Hills, we saw two very nice master bedrooms. Yeah. And then he talked about how he can't stop singing his school song, and he has a lot. I should know what it is. He went to Yale, right? Was it Cornell? I forget.

Maybe Chris. Look up where Ben Stein went to school. But his whole, it was like a, definitely an arrested development. Like, he had school stuff all over. And I'm like, yeah, who could live with this lunatic? Yeah. Also, I believe. Of course she, and he calls her wifey.

Of course wifey has her own master bedroom. I believe, yeah, it's Yale. I was right. Yale and Columbia. Okay, yeah. I think he enjoys cough syrup as well. That's a rumor I heard. Abusing it. Who's to say what abuses? I mean, you know, is it a cough? Is it not a cough? I got you.

All right. I never heard that, but I like it. It definitely doesn't make him less congested. All right. He talks through his nose. So you got that right. The next question was the Georgia election was about to take place. There were two Democrats that were in a runoff, and we guessed, will the Democrats take the Senate, which meant both Democrats had to win in order for us to take the Senate. Well, obviously that verdict is still out. They're contesting it.

All right. I said yes. You said no. Once again, you were wrong. I'm fucking slaying you. I'm sensing I'm a little more pessimistic than you in these predictions. Yes, that seems to be the trend. Speaking of which, we forgot to make a prediction about your relationship for next year.

Oh, I'm going to go with no. I'm going to say yes. I'm going to say yes. Your optimism is really toxic. Yep. I feel like you've been alone for a lot of years now. I only have one girl at home. You have one daughter off at college, and you don't have a job.

Wait a minute. And someone's going to want to hook up with me? Listen to what you're saying. I have one kid still at home who I prioritize over everything else. I don't have a job. What is this person going to see in me? I'm going to get COVID. There's going to be that huge earthquake.

We can see your clothing. We know what you're fucking going to dates wearing. Look at this. Like an eighth grade kid from prep school. I wore this last night. It's just in the same spot. I got cozy last night. Went to saw Dennis Gubbins' new dog.

Oh, yeah. How's the new dog? Dennis Gubbins. So this dog is the most adorable Frenchie and it was a rescue and they go i guess for like that like a lot of money but he had a connection and they knew him and they knew he had a beloved frenchie fred so gubbins cut the line in front of all these families who were going to get this puppy and he walked home with this puppy and it's adorable although there is something it does have some health issues and and that's why

i was distracted a little earlier he uh he has to get a surgery another one by the way and i got this since we started the podcast and we talked about it. Did you say he needed like rectal surgery or something? He had a prolapsed anus. Even it's very, I should point out before Dennis brought it home, it had a prolapsed anus. So no. Yeah. Just let's get a couple of things straight. Okay.

While keeping the podcast clean. Yep. And, um, but they did a surgery on it. It's very easy to do. And then it was a prolific farter, according to Dennis, last night. But last night was night one. This is Friday night was his first night with this rescue. The rescue place is taking care, and they're going to see how it goes.

Sorry for the buzzkill and hope, exclamation point. So I don't even know if Dennis is comfortable with me reading this on the website, but that's what he's going through. The dog's name's Eugene. Dennis went to college in Eugene, but they like the name. It came up some other way. Dennis, remember yesterday he was talking about the universe was talking to him about this stuff. Yeah. So we've lost Dennis because he's talking to the universe now.

I played golf with him yesterday. Oh, and you. We all played golf together yesterday. And, yeah, he is so joyful. I'm so happy because he really loves his dogs. He gets very attached, and he needed this. He needs this more than you needed a girlfriend. Oh, interesting. Well, who knows?

We're going to post a picture when the podcast airs. We'll post a picture. By the way, if you're not watching the podcast. Well, I also I've I've forced agencies to fix some girlfriends. So this is very similar situation. agencies to fix some girlfriends. So this is a very similar situation. You can go to my website, FitzDawg.com. No, I'm sorry.

How do you watch this thing? You just go to YouTube, I guess. Go to YouTube and look up Sunday Papers and you can watch it. Jesus Christ. We're going to put a picture, I think, if it's okay, we're going to put a picture of Eugene up on the website. And subscribe while you're there. Up on YouTube. Subscribe to the podcast on website. And subscribe while you're there. Up on YouTube. Subscribe to the podcast on YouTube.

Sound like I'm 80. Yeah, subscribe to the YouTube channel, and you'll see a beautiful little French bulldog who may or may not still be alive when you see the photo. Speaking of alive, speaking of alive, we predicted last year, will Dylan be alive? But I forgot to write down the answers. Let's guess for next year.

Will Bob Dylan be alive? I've thought about this this coming year. I actually did think about it because I listened to a book on tape, which I'll save my story for that. Because actually the place I listened to it was Audible, who's a sponsor. But I also took a deep dive, which is deep for me. Keep in mind with Dylan while I was white knuckling it going 30 miles an hour through an ice storm. Um, and God, his latest stuff is so good. Yeah. Yeah. Which I would trust me, even as a fan, I wasn't blind to it in the 90s. I never thought I'd say that again. So he has that heart situation.

I don't know if that's totally repaired. He's old. In my opinion, I think he did a lot of speed along the way in his 20s and 30s and other drugs. I don't I'm going to say he's alive. I'm going optimistic. I'm going to say yes. Good for you. All right. And now we're looking at, I pulled up a death pool, about a dozen names of people that are at the top of a death pool. We're each going to pick three people from the death pool who we think will be dead next year. Oh, this is a nice ray of light in people's new year. Go ahead. I am going to say Harry Belafonte, who's now 95.

I'm going to say Queen Elizabeth, who's now 96. Wait, oh, I'm supposed to look at this now? And I'm going to say Bob. Wait, why don't you read the names? All right, Dick Van Dyke. Dick Van Dyke's going to be alive. Henry Kissinger. He's alive?

I can't believe he's still alive. I know. Henry Kissinger. Wait, I don't think Henry Kissinger is alive. Yeah, he is. Chris, look that up. All right, go ahead. Yeah, for sure he is.

Angela Lansbury. Bob Barker. Angela Lansbury's alive? That's what it says here. Maybe I got it. Did I get an old list, Bob Barker. Angela Lansbury's alive? That's what it says here. Maybe I got it. Did I get an old list? Bob Barker. Wait, I think these are people who died.

No. Oh, no, not at the bottom. All right. Wait, Bob Barker? I think he passed. Chris, are you researching any of this? Let's see. Bob Barker.

He's alive. Yes, I am. He's 98. You're asking several. Hang on. All right. I'm going to look up. Okay.

Well, Jimmy Carter. All right. I'm going to say Mel Brooks Okay. Well, Jimmy Carter. All right. I'm going to say Mel Brooks. Sadly, I think Mel's going to die this year. Not a chance. I listened to his book. I had to turn down the volume like four different times because he's so full of life. All right.

I don't want to wish that, so I'm going to take that back. Queen Elizabeth, because I think it'll be fun if she dies. I've got her. I'm going to blame fun if she dies i've got i've got her i've got i'm gonna blame marco if she dies that little traitor i'm gonna take bob barker henry kissinger and uh when you say yes no no still alive here we go so we're going right wait, you have 14 names here? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. There's 12 names. Yeah.

Let's see who, how should we do this? This is fascinating to listen to, I'm sure. Go ahead. Pick as many you think are not going to make it. They're all alive. It says, he's saying they're all alive. Go for it. No, pick three.

We each pick three that we think are going to die. I say Henry Kissinger. I say Bob Barker. And I say Queen Elizabeth. Bob Barker, I choose. I choose Jimmy Carter, sadly. And I choose Tony Bennett. Okay.

How about a tiebreaker? Pick a fourth as a tiebreaker. Wait. Give me yours again. Bob Barker. Yeah. Jimmy Carter. Tony Bennett.

Okay. I want credit for picking old white men. All right. I picked the queen. I hope to God. Why is he erasing what I wrote? Greg, I'm writing this down. Okay, good.

All right. On to the Oscar. How about this? Tiebreaker. Pick someone who will definitely be alive out of that list. All right. I'm going to say Mel Brooks will definitely be alive. All right, I'm going to say Mel Brooks will definitely be alive.

I'm going to say Dick Van Dyke is definitely going to be alive. Wow. Strong call. Yeah. People are going to go fucking crazy when he dies. He's going to be one of those guys that gets celebrated for weeks. Well, I've said it. We can challenge listeners. I think, and boy, has this gotten even validated, if I may, or I'm definitely going to be proven right. I think the, well, the Queen, the Queen's number one death on the planet, I think followed by Paul McCartney.

Right. Especially after that. You're just going to agree? Well, no, especially after that docu-series, you see that he kind of was the Beatles, you know,

in a large part. He was the majority of the Beatles, I think. And then I grew up not thinking that. I thought John helped his goofiness, which also was true. All right, let's keep it moving this is dragging Oscar aren't we done alright Oscars and then we're done

I haven't seen any of these fucking movies so I saw Power of the Dog how was it you know I've heard very mixed things about it and that helped me people really did not like it and that helped me a lot cause I don't know, there was something.

Also, I'm in a Western mood and boy, was it beautiful. Yeah. It's not a great movie, but I kind of I kind of liked it. OK. I saw Dune. Yeah, I heard that was OK. Very well made. Not a lot of surprises. Very well made. Not a lot of surprises. I don't think a remake is going to win the Oscar, although Star is Born won, didn't it? Okay. Saw Licorice Pizza. Hated it. Yeah, everybody hated it.

No. No, people love it. People love the nostalgia thing. And the actors were very interesting. Don't get me wrong, but it was kind of like a Wes Anderson. were very interesting don't get me wrong but it was kind of like a wes anderson and i know this was the paul thomas but it was like okay i'm really into your characters two completely useless scenes with big stars yeah um which did not need to be in there um they added nothing to the story, but go ahead. Kenneth Branagh directed Belfast, so I'm going to take that because Oscar people love him. So Belfast will win the Oscar in 2022 for Best Picture. What's your pick? West Side Story.

Ah! Okay. I don't know. I haven't seen it. I don't like musicals. I don't like violence. I don't like gang violence, so I'm not really that into West Side Story.

I also don't like Puerto Ricans. That's well known. Yeah. You've spray painted that on the side of your house. They did. Obviously, they did to frame frame me they're the ones with the cans our song this week came from patrick godfrey very cool tune thank you patrick who do you think is going to win best actor um i'm gonna go with will smith for king richard yeah That's the only reason I asked. I wanted to sneak that in there.

I think he might win it too. Okay. The logo this week from Laith Nabilsi. Laith Nabilsi. That's an inspiring graphic. I think I'm going to do more push-ups this year. That guy looks like he has good energy. I think that'm going to do more push-ups this year. That guy looks like he has good energy. I think that guy is Carson Daly. You think it is? Wait, rocking New Year's Eve.

No. Or is that, what's his name from CNN? Anderson. Anderson Cooper. But it's not CNN. Oh, it's Greg and Mike. Yeah. Oh But it's not CNN. It's Greg and Mike. Yeah. Oh, it's a... I'm like, Greg and Mike. I'm like, what? They changed that, too. I'm trying to find where it indicates. No, you're probably Seacrest, correct? Is Seacrest still doing it? God damn. Is that guy... what is sustaining him?

How does he continue moving forward? Ambien, and then I don't know what gets him back up. I've heard Ambien stories about him. Oh, yeah? So allegedly, yeah, he, well, God bless him. He'd probably have to shut himself down just to wake up three hours later to start his third job. Yeah. But I have heard Ambien stories that are, I'm going to say allegedly, but I know they're

true. Yeah. All right. Kind of getting lost on the drive to work, which is a mile from his house. Hey, look, I'm Seacrest. Oh, I'm Dick Clark. And you're Dick Clark. Oh, shit.

I look better than Seacrest. My head on there looks better than him. It's true. It is true. I don't know why. That's a good picture of me, I guess. All right. Corrections.

Hey, guys. Yeah, I'm looking sharp. Smaller head, that's what it is. What? Hey, guys, as compelling as the boiling a frog metaphor, it is apparently not scientifically true. The frog will jump out of the pot when the water heats up to a certain point. Sounds like Chris did some experimenting.

Yeah. Also, Greg kept referring to the Beatles documentary as Let It Be, but it's called Get Back. All right, we've heard that. We've heard that. That's Chris Harang. Ringo's coming out smelling like a rose from that documentary also. Oh, yeah.

Supportive. Well, also, I just realized how many pop songs he had that were really good. You know, none of them were super complicated or deep. They were just fun pop songs. And he had a million of them. I would almost think. He did not have a million of them. He had a handful. He had 10. He did not have a million of them. He had ten.

A handful. He had ten. He did not have ten. Not even close. Sure he did. With the Beatles? No, on his solo career after he graduated. It don't come easy.

Yeah. You got to sing the blues, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. You're 16. Not ten. Anyway, but I used to have a joke. Good luck telling your kids that, good luck convincing your kids that Ringo's not the best Beatle. Because kids are hearing Octopus's Garden.

Right. And what's the other one? Ob-la-dee, ob-la-da. No, he doesn't sing that. Oh. There's another thing. Yellow Submarine. Yeah, right.

Those are kid songs, man. All right, what do we got? This guy says... Wow, we're almost an hour into this podcast. Happy New Year, everybody. Hey, Greg, just an FYI to a music fan. Red Wine by UB40 is actually a cover. Oh, okay.

Yeah, isn't it a Jamaican? Never mind. We're going to trigger more corrections. Go ahead. And then we've got Rich M. talking about Bensonhurst and Dyker Heights. You quickly mentioned a racial incident that occurred while talking about the Brooklyn Christmas lights.

It actually happened at Howard Beach in Queens, which is where John Gotti lived. A black man in his early 20s was chased out of the New York, out of the New Park Pizza by a mob of white teens. He ran onto the Bell Parkway and was struck by a car and killed.

Oh, shoot. Yeah, do you remember that? That was so sad. Yeah, it was. I always thought Bensonhurst was in Brooklyn for some reason, but it's Queens. Yeah. The always thought Bensonhurst was in Brooklyn for some reason, but it's Queens. Yeah.

The guy named Dick Hertz wrote in. I'm not sure if that's his real name because his email address says... But he wants to go by Dick Hertz.

Well, his last name's... Should I give out his email address? Bob Pito. Probably not. All right. will you take that out, Chris? Message. Hades is not pronounced like fades, bades, or wades. It is Hades.

Wait, you just said Hades again. I know, but to make my point. Oh. I didn't say jerk off. Also, the song is she came in through the bedroom window, not bedroom window. Jesus Christ, Greg. No, bathroom. It is bathroom.

Yeah, I said bedroom. You just said bedroom twice, I think. You literally can't say bathroom window. She came in through the bathroom window. Nailed it. You nailed it. 2022. We're hitting our stride now. I once went out a bathroom window after making love to a woman in a bathroom at a party

because I didn't want to come out and get busted by the people that were knocking on the door. Really? Yeah. And I came out the window and then she tried to come out the window, but she got stuck. Why would she have to go out? That's true. Good point. Yeah. All right. She's really ashamed that she won't even come out of the bathroom alone. Pete Cipriano says, Fitz Dog, I do appreciate your recount of yelling crucify him as a kid at mass.

However, your recounting of who Barabbas was is incorrect. Barabbas was in prison because he participated in an insurrection against the Romans and may have murdered someone, Look at that. I like that guy. That's not the telling I heard. I remember Barabbas being on a cross next to Jesus, and in the telling, everybody else was roped to the cross, and Jesus was the only one who was nailed to the cross. Who the hell knows?

The first writings about Jesus were over 200 years after his death. Right. So good luck. We can't even agree on what's true when it happens today. Yep. We were on the golf course. Remember we were talking about Jesus? We can't even agree on what's true when it happens today. Yeah. We were on the golf course. Remember we were talking about Jesus? Big news.

We were talking about Jesus and the fact that he was a carpenter. My dumb little bit. But I bet the bit's been done a million times. What? Say it. Well, I don't even have a bit bit but when we were on the golf course i'm like uh it i'm ashamed to even bring it had to have been covered by the hack comedians for no joke 300 years by now but commenting on the craftsmanship of the cross like oh you guys

didn't use dowels huh like just you know what else is he gonna do he was alive on that cross for days and he's a carpenter. He's like, he must have been like, you didn't really, you didn't use a plane on this? You didn't sand it down at all. All right. Yeah. No dovetail.

No one. By the way, look at this. I can kind of move the crossbar. It's not very, you know. But can you imagine if he really, you know, he was a carpenter, and everybody's always, like, bragging about, oh, this is a Louis XIV rocking chair from the 17th century. If you said this is a Jesus Christ table.

Yeah. Like he, Jesus Christ made this coffee. And then, you know, this is like a matchbook under one of the legs. It's like, well, he wasn't really that good. Good Messiah. Not a great carpenter. Couldn't get in the union. Bed frame he made for his mom. Lightly, gently a great carpenter. Couldn't get in the union. Bed frame he made for his mom, lightly, gently used, gently.

Never really took a pounding. What if Jesus, as a carpenter, was the first guy to make a glory hole, but he made it to pray into? He made it that you would kneel down and pray into it, and then some sicko put his dick through it. There you go again, Greg. but then the guy was he was praying he was saying oh god oh god oh god maybe yeah it was a confessional all right i didn't know you're supposed to say your sins through the hole yeah yeah and and then a priest's mouth is on the other side and it's supposed to just be used to tell you how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers to say, to repent.

Right. All right. Speaking of repenting, if you want to repent for your not reading or listening to audio titles, Audible.com is here, ladies and gentlemen. Audible.com is one of these ads reads where you get it and you go, oh, yes, here's a product that genuinely excites me and I use in my life. Can I interrupt? Please.

True story. I love Audible. I have Audible. When I was white-knuckling it, which I mentioned earlier, a big part, because by the way, American then canceled. I didn't get into this. Both of my flights out of Jackson Hole. So I had to drive to Bozeman through another storm to fly back to L.A. through another storm to fly back to LA. And on that, I listened to Mel Brooks' autobiography, which he reads. So this is what I'm telling you.

I own like Norm MacDonald's book, but did I read it? No. Did I listen to Norm MacDonald read his book to me? A yes. Right, right. Why would you? listen, forget, also I have a very interesting point about audio books.

If there's any snobs thinking that reading a book is the preferred method of ingesting the story versus, and it's a cheat and it's a new technology to listen to the book, you're actually dead wrong. The original tradition, it was an oral tradition. Good point, Mike. You were told stories. The new technology is the movable type,

which made your book, you snob. Wow. Go old school. Go back to the oral tradition. Yes. And you can do it with Audible. The four books. Audible's the leading provider of spoken word entertainment all in one place.

You get one credit a month. Good for any title in the entire premium section. You keep it forever in your Audible library. Plus, there's a thing called the Plus Catalog. It's filled with thousands of audio books, original entertainment, guided fitness, and meditation. Which, by the way, I have a really nice meditation I downloaded. I listen to it on planes when I fly. Add free versions of your favorite shows and exclusive series, all included with your membership,

so you can download and stream all you want, no credits needed. New members can try it for 30 days for free on Audible. Listen anytime, anywhere. The app's great. It's free, and I like the way I can go to sleep listening to it. I can set it for a certain amount of time, which I do every single night. If you don't like your title, you can swap it out for another one. So get involved.

The Plus Catalog is a really amazing podcast. Theatrical performances, A-list comedy. So what do we do? We visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 slash 500. It's really important that you get involved with Audible because you can do it while you're driving, you're stuck in traffic, you're trying to fall asleep, you're going to the gym. You're in a storm. Visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500-500. Support the show, support the podcast, support Audible.

Okay. Wait, just one more thing about Audible. So here's a great example of Audible, that Audible should be chosen over reading a book. Mel Brooks talks about his songwriting process. Do you know, in 1975, he won Best Original Song. He won the Oscar. For which song? I got to look it up.

High Anxiety? Oh, no. 1975, wasn't it? I mean, was it springtime for Hitler? Must have been springtime for Hitler. But he talks about his process and that he never believed it. And then his wife, then, Ann, would be like, of all people, of course you can do it. You're musical.

And then they go on and on. So here we go. 1975. It says Nashville. He didn't write that. Hold on here. 1974. I don't know what he wanted for. I'm on the Oscars. Anyway, we'll find that out. So anyway, you hear him singing. And in the book, you're just going to, he goes, so this is how I wrote the song. And I, and you're just going to read lyrics versus hearing Mel Brooks sing and his process and how he improvised the lyrics. And it's, it's fantastic. Wow. I can't wait to listen to it.

I'm obsessed with, with Mel Brooks and, and, uh, his son lives across the street from me and I see him walking around the neighborhood all the time. Absolutely. All right, let's get to the front page. You got a paper there, Mike? Oh, man, I don't, but I have some Bernie Taupin lyrics. Welcome to my Christmas. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! There we go. Texas baby.

A handgun went off in the hands of a toddler. In where? Texas. In where? A Walmart parking lot. Wounding the child's mother in the arm and side and young sibling in the leg. Police said the gun discharged once the two-year-old took it from between a seat and the center console while in the car with a one-year-old sibling and with their 23-year-old mother standing outside near the driver's side door. So it was in a safe spot. She kept the gun in a safe, concealed spot. It was secured.

Between the seat and the center console. Right. It was secured by the upholstery. But you know what? It's Texas. Crawl your ground. You can crawl your ground there. You don't? Because they can't stand yet. Yeah, I got it. That's pretty good.

He felt threatened. If you feel threatened and you know, his mother was threatening him. She would say, you have to eat your food. By the way, what is up with bullets in texas this is like the jfk bullet that you said it was one shot the one-year-old's in the car the mom's outside the car yet this one discharge it it entered the mother's arm then it turned around and it hit her side and then it exited her side and got the toddler in the leg. This was no lone gun baby. There were multiple gun babies. Yes. And the father was friends with a Cuban guy from work who might have known a guy from the mafia.

It's all there's a lot of there's a smoking gun here. There was not one toddler shooter. I mean, forget it. Joe Rogan's going to have people on talking about this. He's in Texas now. Tom O'Neill wrote a children's book forget it. Joe Rogan's going to have people on talking about this. He's in Texas now. Tom O'Neill wrote a children's book about it. He should. And, you know, the kids already joined the NRA now, the junior NRA.

You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, strained, pee-stained hand. Great. Chris just updated. So the song, best original song, nominated in 75 for Blazing Saddles. No, no, and it won. He won best original screenplay in 69 for Producers. And he was nominated in 75. Holy crap.

In 75, he was nominated for best adapted screenplay, Young Frankenstein, same year nominated Blazing Saddles song. Wait a minute. So Blazing Saddles was not nominated for an Oscar. That's impossible. But I, uh, I think he won two Oscars from what I'm listening to in the book. But again, I was in a snowstorm. All right, what do we got? Back to the news. Trans, and we're not talking about Am, Jeopardy champ Amy Schneider's 23rd win aired Monday night,

and she didn't post a game breakdown in the aftermath as is customary. She's amassed, well, we'll get to that in a minute but she was robbed on sunday i heard about that so she uh she she tweeted hi all first off i'm fine but i got robbed yesterday lost my id credit cards and phone what a time to get your identity stolen just as you're coming into all this fucking money i then couldn't really sleep last night and i've been dragging myself around all day to replace Phone. What a time to get your identity stolen just as you're coming into all this fucking money. I then couldn't really sleep last night and have been dragging myself around all day to replace everything. I mean. Wow. Yeah. So so the update is she became the fourth contestant in the show's history to earn a million dollars in non tournament play Friday.

She is the first woman to make a million dollars. Okay. Right. So now she identifies as a millionaire. That's her. That's how she identifies. Yeah. Yeah. It's she, her and millionaire. Yeah. Okay. That's good. So I did, I did read that, uh, she, she addressed transphobic comments that she received. Oh, really? Yeah. Since appearing on it. And she sent, she tweeted New Year's Eve and she goes, quote, I'd like to thank all the people who have taken the time during this busy holiday season to reach out and explain to me that actually I'm a man, she wrote. Every single one of you is the first person to ever make that very clever point, which had never once before crossed my mind. So that was her tweet. Wow. And I got to hand it to her. That passive aggressive, sarcastic tone. It does stink of a woman. Am I allowed to?

She's transitioned her attitude to bitchy. Yeah. Yeah. I recognize. I'm getting some of that. So yeah, on Friday she'll be my millionaire. So do you think, just a question, don't cancel me. Do you think, just a question, don't cancel me. Do you think when a cis woman finally breaks the million dollar, because right now it's no cis woman has, has, has, is in the four who have made a million dollars or more on Jeopardy. Right. Do you think she'll feel mixed about not being the first cis woman? Well, not being like getting credit as like nothing uh a woman's already in there um i'm trying to watch what i say here yeah i mean i think it's uh it's like it's like barry bonds with the steroids i mean is there an asterisk? Oh, God, no. I didn't say that. Just hold your letters.

That was a Greg comment, not me. But I want to do tell you that this has been a trick question because no cis woman will ever make over a million dollars on Jeopardy. Oh, shit. They just don't got it. Put it in the predictions. They just don't got it. Put it in the predictions.

They're late because they can't park outside on the Jeopardy thing. All right. Come on. New story. New story. New story. Volcano. Authorities on Hawaii's Big Island have recovered the body of a 75-year-old man who is believed to have fallen from a closed area of Hawaii Volcanoes National Park

where visitors have been trying to get a glimpse at a glowing lava lake from an eruption on the Kilkoa Volcano. Park rangers and firefighters had searched through the night to locate the missing man and eventually recovered his body below the crater rim an investigation is underway do we need an investigation he's 75 he fell into that volcano all right let's grab some lunch. I don't know. Does he identify as a woman? Because usually it's the boyfriend who kills the girlfriend hiking. So I think he might have fallen

into that category. Or maybe he was a virgin and this is a cult virgin sacrifice. They always throw him into the volcano. Maybe he's an old perv looking for scattered virgins down there maybe that explains it going off trail like that right cut and you and you save them not i mean what better way to

pick up a girl than to save her from being thrown into a volcano now she's gotta fuck you and you know she's a virgin also there's a loophole loophole. Like, listen, I can fix your virgin status. Yeah. And then it makes no sense to sacrifice you. This will never happen to you again after what I'm about to do. Yeah. COVID. All right.

A female passenger divided critics on... Oh, this is you. A female passenger divided critics on Reddit after purporting to spot a fellow passenger's text in which they claim to have contracted COVID-19. It's yet unclear if her story is real, but the post is going viral as Reddit redditors debate the ethics of spying on people's messages. So this story went viral. It's a photograph that you can clearly see through two seats. that you can clearly see through two seats. And she's looking at the passenger in front of her. And the passenger in front of her is texting to her friend,

like, we all have COVID, but we're flying home. We couldn't get stranded, so we're all flying home. And there's more to it. I can't read the text in this post. But I think a lot of people did that. What do you know? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Hell yeah. People don't give a shit if they get covid and they're stranded somewhere. They are putting a mask on and they're going, it's not going to get through the mask. I'm going home.

I I bet you 20 percent of the people that catch COVID continue to fly home. So I remember. So New Year's Eve, it wasn't even New Year's, but I was invited up. Friends of Jack invited me to this family's house. This family's from Connecticut. And there's a lot of them there. It's extended family. And all the by the way, they had a karaoke party. They were the nicest people. They and it was really funny being there but they um these kids were dying to do karaoke it was a very weird like have you how old were the kids all ages but like from like probably to up to college no one was older than college i don't think maybe maybe a couple just out of college down to like middle school and And they all wanted to do karaoke. Of course, people love karaoke.

And by the way, it wasn't karaoke. It was like sing-along. The artist's voice, and it was the artist, was way higher than their voice. All right, whatever. Well, one story they told there was one daughter left, the oldest daughter or whatever had left, and she got home, and for whatever reason, she took a test, and she sent her family the negative result. And all of them were like, what are you doing? We, we all

agreed no testing, no testing, because this was the, the ethical line they thought they were walking is they would not get on a flight. They would not knowingly get on a flight if they were positive. But that's where the ethics stop and smash into a wall because to circumvent that, the agreement among the family was none of them would get tested. Right. So they would all just get on the plane. There's a phrase for that. Fishbags?

Conscious ignorance or something. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plausible deniability? Yeah, maybe that's it. I was flying back from Buffalo, and I was on the plane, and I was writing out my jokes. And my jokes, I never write out the jokes.

I usually just write a couple bullet points, and then I figure it out on stage. Or not. What's that? Or not. Or not in a Jersey tent. Wait, this says gay wizards. I can't remember.

And so it says, so I just have all these phrases, and the guy sitting next to me doesn't know what I did. We haven't talked. And it's just, my page is up, page is up and it says like gay wizards, girl scouts are whores. Um, it's got, it's crazy things.

He's staring at it. He's not, he's not glancing at it out of the corner of his eye. He's staring at it. And so I typed across the top of the page. I wrote, I'm going to choke the passenger next to me. And he just fucking looked away.

He picked up his book and he left me alone for the rest of the flight. That's hysterical. Uh, Hey, Chris popped up the expression you were looking for. Conscious ignorance. Okay. Conscious ignorance exception. Yeah. Right. So that's what they're doing. Yeah. But that's like, yeah, I got, I got a couple of lesions on my torso, but I have a date with two dudes tonight. Right. So I'm not going to take that HIV test. Yeah, right. Which happened a lot, and it didn't work out well.

Yeah. So there's that. All right, let's do some entertainment. Yeah, man. Here's the paper. Okay, we talked about movies. Yeah. I saw Power of the Dog.

I saw Don't Look Up. You haven't seen it yet, right? No, I'm hearing good things. You know, I think it's kind of worth it. I thought the tone was a little mixed, but, you know, it's Adam McKay. He's amazing, no doubt about it. Saw Dune, well done. Licorice Pizza, I hated.

Have you started Yellowstone, the TV show? Do I need to? I'm wondering, because someone got back to me, like, it's a little bit of a little more soap opera than really well, like more soap opera than like a Breaking Bad or a Game of Thrones or a Sopranos or, you know, any of the top ones. But some people are saying it's the greatest thing they've streamed in a while. Is it Kevin Costner? It is Kevin Costner. Well, I mean, I think it's a channel I got to sign up for again. And I was just going through my credit card bill yesterday.

And I realized we have like seven different streaming channels because like my wife will sign up for a show she likes on Starz. There was like some Scottish fucking show. And and then she doesn't cancel it a year and a half later. We were carrying. I just don't I don't want to sign up for another channel. I would say right now you and i should pick the channels i get half you get half and we share them all but you're such a disaster you told a story before we started recording this podcast of how you just share passwords and ruin people's lives yeah yeah yeah i know i should do it with my sister and george though

and cut me out you're gonna cut me out. You're going to cut me out. Well, they're already watching my Disney, I think. And my Showtime. Am I supposed to say this out loud? Oh yeah. So we'll see. Well, now you got kids away in college. You can only share it with so many people. You gotta, you gotta share with your daughter. Yeah. Um, and then your other daughter probably watches stuff on, on an iPad or something yeah no they do do that and then it messes up my passwords because now am I going to give them the password there's some passwords they shouldn't have

right like their college savings account yeah maybe something like that so my go to's are all ruined my go to passwords are all ruined because they're like dad I can't get on my phone what's the password to the Apple account so then I have to cough up all my My go-to passwords are all ruined because they're like, Dad, I can't get on my phone. What's the password to the Apple account?

So then I have to cough up all my passwords that I can remember. Right. Which there are basically none left that I can remember. I watched on Netflix. I don't know why. I had never seen it. Aaron had never seen it. We'd heard it was an amazing movie.

So we popped it on. And at the end of the movie, we shut off the TV and we sat in silence for about five minutes. And then Aaron said, that's the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my life. And the movie was Requiem for a Dream. Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Well, Requiem for a Dream is famously that movie. Yeah. I mean, it is.

I've never seen it and I know it's really good. Oh, you haven't seen it. Yeah. No. Because every time I'm like, I gotta do it. You need to see it. You need to see it. Well, it's kind of like, uh, I'm going to do sit-ups every day this year.

It's like, I know that's a good move, but I just know it's going to take a toll on me. Bad analogy. Chris had brought up before the podcast here. Oh, I might have to get a plug for my computer. But Wes Anderson announced his new movie. And have you seen the cast? Oh, yes. Who is it?

All right. You ready? Yeah. And Chris gets credit for pointing out this cast well here's the thing here's the thing about wes anderson he's become like what woody allen used to be where everybody wants to be in his movies because it's good for their career they don't make any money doing the movie but it makes them money on their next movie the cast is tom hangs margot robbie scarlett johansson tilda Swinton, Sophia Lillis, Adrian Brody, Fisher Stevens, Bill Murray, Brian Cranston, Jeff Goldblum, Liv Schreiber, Hope Davis, Jason Schwartzman, Matt Dillon.

So I'm guessing the name of the movie is All Lives Matter. Chris, what was your guess? Chris had one. Ready? The movie's called Weekend at Whole Foods. That's better than All Lives Matter. Now, are they just going to shoot it at the AA meeting that they all go to on Sundays in Malibu? Ski trip in the Alps?

Yeah. What else could this be? Wow. Springtime for Hitler 2? Yeah. By the way, I think it's Liev Shriver. Liev? What do I call I think it's Liev Schreiber. Liv? What do I call him?

He said leave. Leave, live, live, live, Schreiber. My wife fucking loves him. I know. That's a weird thing. I have a thing about movies that have too many stars in them in that they never work. They never work. They never work. Because the problem is, when you get a Jeff Goldblum or a Bill Murray,

you basically get a lot of people who have too much sway with the director. And I find those movies are not well-directed. Oh, interesting. There's not a balance. You just see a bunch of people giving a great performance, individual of the film.

Well, that dumb movie, what was it called it was probably 20 years ago and it won best picture and it had a ton of stars in it and it was about drug crash i think it was called crash oh yeah and someone broke down the reason it won because it did not deserve it is the people that vote for this obviously are in the academy and so all the stars ask their friends to vote for their movie yeah right so shameful shameful win speaking of winning thanks golden globes uh no golden globes this year because they're all white and people got angry so uh they can't find a broadcast partner

or they can't find any celebrities willing to present or win an award after the after its boycott for over its diversity and ethics oh it really is that they're not pinning it on covet nope according to variety the globe's talent bookers have failed to persuade any big Hollywood figures to attend the 2022 edition of the awards ceremony. So, I mean, there's no way everybody said no. Halle Berry did not say no to presenting at an awards show. This is what she does. Her lifeblood. I think that it's backstage is a trough of bone marrow that she feeds from like she's bobbing for apples and it's her fountain of youth.

Oh, boy. You know, she directed a movie this year. So I think people like that would say yes because all this thing is, all these award shows are, are promos. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The movie industries are the biggest losers here. This is a free commercial. Absolutely.

How is Ricky Gervais going to reach out and tell us all this year that he's so much better than us? I don't know. I loved his time last year where he said if the terrorist group, he's like, get up here, just say thank you. He's like, stop talking about saving the group, you know, he blamed, he's like, get up here. Just say, thank you. He's like, stop talking about saving the planet when you're working with Amazon. Oh yeah. Right.

Oh. And he called them out or Apple. You're working for Apple and Amazon. Like say, save your, save your, uh, your goodwill speech. Will you? Wow. And then he goes, and he goes if ISIS came up with a shingle and started a production company, you'd all line up. Yeah. Spot on. And they keep inviting him. I don't know.

It's like an abusive relationship that you can't get out of. How much battery power do I have left? Oh, boy. 8%. I got 8%, man. Do you have a charger? Yeah, but it's way over there. All right, let's go.

All right. Bernie, you're going to love this, but it's way over there. All right, let's go. All right. Bernie, you're going to love this, Mike. Congratulations to Bernie Taupin. 27 years after Elton John received the honor, his long-term musical partner, Bernie Taupin, has been made a Commander of the Order of the British Empire as part of Queen Elizabeth II's annual New Year's honors list. He received the honor in recognition of his quote exceptional services to music it is one step below knighthood elton

was made a cbe and subsequently knighted in 98 which is why he's now called sir elton john quote congratulations to my lyricist extraordinaire on his CBE that was announced today. Elton wrote on Instagram, I love you and you deserve this recognition. In the comments, Bernie replied, the wordsmith that he is, thanks my darling friend. It's all a bit ironic, isn't it? I don't know. Is it? How is it ironic? How would he know?

He doesn't know how to use words. Did you dress as the Queen of England as a child and now you're made a knight? Is that why it's ironic? It's not ironic. Ironic is a song where the guy is singing Saturday night is all right for fighting and he's wearing a tutu and a heart-shaped glasses and a tiara. That's what's ironic. heart-shaped glasses and a tiara. That's what's ironic.

Yeah. Or ironic that you give Elton John, the most flamboyant guy in the world, like, I don't want to be in a penthouse. I want to go back to my farm. And somehow people buy it. Yeah. Maybe he didn't mean ironic. He's like, thanks, my darling friend. It's all a bit undeserved, isn't it?

I think that was the word he was looking for. Yeah, right. His thank you note, though, to the queen was, if I was grateful, but then again, no. Worst written thank you note ever. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It's ridiculous. Did he mean to write iconic instead of ironic?

But again, it's like he could just scribble down on a piece of paper and then send it to Elton, and it's like, I'm a sir. Like just those two, three words all of a sudden, it's into a song. It's a legendary song for the ages, all because of Elton. Yep. Let's move on to Florida, man. I got this piece of paper. Okay.

I didn't really. Florida has a lot of news, but it's all about the virus and about like vaccines expiring. So I took a little, I took a little change and we're hitting Texas again and we're hitting another Texas mom, Houston mom, a Texas mother faces criminal charges after she allegedly stuffed her 13 year old son in the trunk of her car because he tested positive for COVID-19 and she didn't want to get exposed. car because he tested positive for COVID-19 and she didn't want to get exposed. Sarah Beam, 41, allegedly packed up her son and took him to a drive-through coronavirus testing center in Houston on January 3rd. Witnesses reported hearing noises coming from the back of the vehicle when she pulled up to the tented testing center, according to court documents. Bevan Gordon, the health services

director at the site, asked Beam to open her trunk, revealing the teenager lying down inside the charging dock's state. Yeah. Sweetie, sweetie, when you stop coughing, can you grab the spare tire out of the trunk for me? Yeah, just lean in. Yeah, just right right in the back there. Now, wait a minute. Someone removed a line that I had in here because what was amazing. Wait, let me let me find it. I know something else was missing that I wrote into the document before. Oh, but here's the line. I just I just grabbed the line and I Googled it. And here it is, because this needed to be told, which was Beam. This is just a line in the story further on down. And here it is.

Beam most recently worked as a teacher at Cypress Falls High School. Yes. That's amazing. That's the most important line of the whole thing. Yeah. A teacher. Right. With's amazing. That's the most important line of the whole thing. Yeah. A teacher. Right. With her son locked.

So you know what? Maybe she's right. She's had it with kids. That's one fact. He was quarantined. I like it. Drinking antifreeze back there. Didn't Trump say that could work at one point?

Let's do this fun story into the international section. All right. Hold on. International. Where's my piece of paper? All right. Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. All right. Controversial French TV stars and famous twins igor and grichka bogdan bogdanov were inseparable in life and in death they had refused to be vaccinated against the coronavirus believing their good health would save them but were admitted to a hospital on the same day last month and diagnosed with covid the younger twin grich, died in intensive care on December 28th. Igor followed him six days later. They were 72.

The Bogdanov twins were TV stars in France in the 80s, famous as much for their upbeat, popular science shows as for their good looks. The pair were inseparable. Good looks. Are you looking at this photo? Yeah, the photo. And you've got to watch the show on YouTube because there's a photo of them.

They are horribly disfigured. No, they're hideous. But I saw young photos of them, and they were very handsome. Well, what did they do? They apparently went under the knife. I mean, they look like claymation. It doesn't look human. like it looks like claymation it doesn't look human i think fred astaire played one of the characters and like rudolph or one of and and that weird face that they put in that you know

stop animation or whatever it was it also looks like the movie mask yes it looks like it looks like they had high cheekbones and now they got older. They're even higher cheekbones, long chins, big puffy lips. But they had this science show that got a lot of shit because apparently it wasn't really very valid. And they they got a lot of shit for dumbing down science. And, no, Madam. Wasn't Madam that mannequin? Oh, right. It looks like Madam. Yeah, like that puppet, Madam.

That puppet, Madam. And I forget, it's something in Madam, right? I'm forgetting the woman's name who did it. Anyway, I think, here are my thoughts. I think it's confusing to call any twins inseparable unless they're from Siam. Siamese twins. Remember Siamese twins? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is inappropriate now. Yeah. Why is that Siam and Siamese twins? Where did, how did that originate? It was the most famous case. was these two guys so anyway I had the

same question so I googled it so here don't look don't cheat I'm gonna ask you some questions that were Google questions about Siamese twins you read it and after that we'll get into Mongoloids from Mongolia exactly brought that up I found that actually by the way so and it's uh was used to describe people with down syndrome i think yeah all right so greg what happens to siamese twins when one dies um yeah the the other guy why first of all laughing is not appropriate. The other guy starts walking half as fast. Starts walking in a big circle. Oh, my walks have changed.

The other guy starts talking to himself. He can't survive. There's no way you can survive that. Unfortunately, they were a little more descriptive than that. There's no way you can survive that. Unfortunately, they were a little more descriptive than that. Once the dead twin's heart stops, blood stops pumping, the vessels dilate, and the conjoined twin will essentially bleed into the dead twin. Oh, God.

I'm only laughing because of how outrageous that is. They didn't have to detail that. Think about how much you've suffered in your life as a Siamese twin. And then you know, someday, one of you is going to bleed death the other guy. That that is how it's going to end. Yeah. Mr. Show did a great thing of conjoined twins.

And one was like anti-war, and the other one was like all dressed up like Forrest Gump going to war. It was really funny. One was like on a treadmill. The other guy, his conjoined twins and one was like anti-war and the other one was like all dressed up like Forrest Gump going to war. It was really funny. One was like on a treadmill. The other guy is conjoined thing, like sat on the arm of the treadmill, like with a beer and a cigarette.

Okay. Can Siamese twins have babies, Greg? You mean can female Siamese twins carry babies? Yes. Sure. Why not? Of all the female conjoined twin sets, either documented by medical authorities or referenced in ancient literary sources, in only one case were pregnancy and delivery successfully achieved by the conjoined twins themselves.

Damn. Whose baby is it? Well, that's the thing. Also, it's like, listen, you're just bitter because you're not a mother. Like, does one say that to the other? Right, right, right. I mean, it depends on where they're conjoined. I guess some conjoined twins have two vaginas and some maybe only have one. Right. No, no. I think it depends where they're joined and all that stuff. What if the baby was it? Maybe they had one uterus, but two vaginas. And the big question is, which vagina is the baby going to come out? Maybe that's how those French twins were born.

Right. Out of a conjoined parents. Yeah. All right. Do Siamese twins need this is a real Google question. Do Siamese twins need two passports? Wow. I'm going to say because passport people are douchebags. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. They have separate passports. Obviously, they need to have both the passport stamped when traveling. But how about when you show up and one of the twins forgets their passport? You fucking asshole.

Asshole. And then it's like to the guy, like, come on, can you just let me on? We'll knock this guy. Like, what can you do? All right, I'm going to ask you a question. Then I have to get my charger. Boy, this is going fast. I'm down to 2%.

Can Siamese twins be different genders, Greg? And now I'm going to go get the charger. Can Siamese twins be different genders? I remember the Sklar brothers did an episode of, I think it might have been Grey's Anatomy, where they played Siamese twins, and they were hilarious. Shout out to Randy and Jason. Yeah, I think it was Jay. I think it was Grey's Anatomy. And can they be separate? I got to think. Sure. Yeah, of course. They're twins. Uh, no, it's impossible. Can you hear me? Yeah. Really? It's impossible. Yeah. Uh, because conjoined twins are identical twins coming from the same fertilized eggs. So they will always be the same sex because their sex was determined at a different point of fertile,

blah, blah, blah. Um, all right. But listen, who knows what they identify as? What if one twin identifies as a woman, right a man right that gets a little that's that's a tough thanksgiving dinner i mean what is what is it like when you're a siamese twin and you get married to somebody and you want to have sex with them or you just want to have a one-night stand or what does the other person do is it is it a become a pervert it's it is it a three-way or i mean how do you not if your other half is having sex with somebody are you allowed to touch or do you supposed to keep your hands off no you can only touch yourself which i'm sure is what happens but we don't talk about that anymore geez why we gotta make a movie about Siamese twins.

No, we did on the Ben show with Ben Hoffman. We did a conjoined where he had sex with himself. We made a fake movie trailer and it was called Twin Sanity. But this poor actor, we had him making out with himself. No, it was about twins. They weren't conjoined. Sorry. But they did have an affair.

All right. Okay. Can Siamese twins go to jail? This is the last question. How can they not go to jail? If they do something wrong, they got to go to jail. But both? What about the innocent one?

Oh, shit. Wow. Right? I guess it would have to be a case where only one of them was involved. How bitter is the innocent twin getting sodomized in prison? Well, I think you could make an argument that, say, if you and I were out and I robbed somebody, you're an accomplice. So the Siamese twin is always an accomplice. What if I'm actively trying to stop you? Well, you didn't try hard enough. That's not true. What do you mean?

I mean, I'm grabbing the gun out of my in your hand if we're conjoined. Or I mean, like that's his hand that had the gun. I didn't have a loaded gun. Ask the doctors, this is my hand. He's like holding it up in court. Yeah, right. It's like I don't even know him sometimes. I was sleeping.

He drugged me. Yeah. No, that can't happen. All right, there have been a few recorded instances. I know, by the way, like if you think about conjoined women and obviously it already happened, we covered the question. And one of them getting pregnant. It's not like the other one can pop an Ambien and like check out as they're right. As the other one's having sex with her husband. And by the way, there are conjoined women who, I do know this, and probably men too, but who are married.

They're both married. To two different men? Yes. I wonder if conjoined twins have ever married another conjoined twin. That guy's always sleeping with his wife

and getting strange at the same time. Right. That's kind of cool. All right. Yeah. There have been a few recorded instances of conjoined criminality. By one account,

the original Siamese twins, Chang and Ang. I'm sure that didn't get confusing. By the way, Chang and Ang's last name were Bunker. Anyway, they were arrested over a scuffle with a doctor who tried to examine them, but they were never prosecuted. And then Chris added this, nor were they ever charged with bigamy despite having taken two wives.

Chris, is that true or is that a joke? It's hard to tell with this whole. It's hard to tell with this whole... It's hard to tell with your comedy writing, Chris. It was in my original post. Okay. But you see the picture of them as young men. They were fucking gorgeous and French on top of it. Oh, there they are.

Yeah. What did they do to themselves? I know. I know. Crazy. In the picture on the right, they not only look freaky with all their work, but they do look conjoined at the shoulder. Yeah. All right.

Also in International, this is a story close to my heart. Stephanie Matto, a former 90 Day Fiance contestant and adult content creator, has had a whirlwind few weeks after a heart attack scare, really gas problems due to her fart inducing diet and the urging of doctors. She's been forced to step back from her business of selling custom farts in jars. Whirlwind. Undeterred, she's pivoting to selling them as NFTs, digital art in the blockchain instead. Whirlwind. While I wait for those farts to develop, I like to read. She was selling fart jars for $1,000. She thanks the 97 people who already bought the fart jars at that point. And the crazy thing about this story is me and Bill Burr and Al Madrigal about, I would say, 10 years ago. We had this idea of building a website that would house everybody's podcast, everybody stand-up clips it was going to be a this big thing and we needed uh a name for the site so we went to

godaddy.com and they show you names of urls that have just come free that are available and the funniest one we could find was fartjar.com yeah and now she has fartjar.com. Yeah. And now she has fartjar.com. And she's farting in jars and mailing them to people who pay a lot of money to smell it. And you really wonder, like, when you get the jar, do you gorge yourself on it? Do you open it and just inhale the whole thing? Or do you let a little bit seep out? Do you share it with people? Do you haveorge yourself on it? Do you open it and just inhale the whole thing? Or do you let a little bit seep out?

Do you share it with people? Do you have a party? Well, like, yeah. Why couldn't she just send people jars and stop her crazy, dangerous for her health prep for farting with everything she was eating? Because that's what stopped her, right? Well, yeah, but you got to fart. I mean, you can't just, they'll smell that there's no fart in the jar. Well, first, hold on.

You just said some people aren't even opening the jars. No, I'm wondering if they do. Right. But is it like a baseball card, like keep it in its plastic wrapper? I don't know how long it lasts. What's the shelf life of a fart jar? The wild thing is you would think it couldn't get harder to understand this story of her farts and jars. And she did it. All of a sudden now there's NFTs of farts and jars. Right. Like how how did you possibly make this harder to comprehend?

That's what the economy has become. It's just a series of more complicated financial game play. Everything is betting if other people are going to bet on it. Yep. It's like art. That's what the stock market is. people are going to bet on it. Yep.

It's like art. That's what the stock market is. That's what every, you know, we prosecute these pyramid schemes, but the whole country is a pyramid scheme. Yeah. Right. And then we're like, ooh, look at the bad guy who took other people's money to pay. That's exactly what Social Security is. What are you talking about?

Right. The old people are getting paid by the influx of cash now. I guess. I don't know. Let's do some sports. Oh, yeah. Sports. Where's my piece of paper?

I just found it and lost it again. Okay. Let's get a clink. So the ongoing bet with the Buccaneers when we last met, you were up $20 after 14 games. There's been two games since then. You won one and you lost one. You beat the Panthers. Apparently, thank God I didn't watch it.

Apparently, he beat the Jets in the last drive. In the last drive. The Jets were about to beat them. Yeah. That's why, what's my rule in my betting pool? Never bet for or against the New York teams. You never know what they're going to do. Yeah.

And the Jets covered. So, next week, the Panthers at home. So Tampa Bay gives eight and a half points. That's a fucking slam dunk. Tampa Bay is going to crush them. I can't wait. Do we have an agreement wherever this lands, we'll do double or nothing on the last game?

Okay. Especially if that last game is the Super Bowl. Well, of course. Yeah, it'll get tricky knowing when it is the last game, but we'll just have to retroactively say that was the last game. All right, once we know they lost. Right. Okay.

Washington football team has finally announced a significant update on its new name and logo. It's blackface. They put they put a Native American in blackface and they're like, you just handle this. Right. Right. Right. And and it's going to have a wig. They're all going to have wig and lipstick. So on February 2nd, they are going to announce it is not going to be the Wolves or the Red Wolves, they said,

because from a trademark standpoint, they became aware of a notable challenge that trademarks held by other teams would limit our ability to make the name our own. So I don't know.

If that chick dies, they can call themselves the Fart Jars. That URL will become available. So, I don't know. If that chick dies, they can call themselves the fart jars. That URL will become available. The Indian fart jars? Yeah. Yeah. It's not, yeah, just pick something that's not real.

What? What's the matter? Indians are not known for fart jars. Yeah. All right, let's do some business. All right. We got business. Elizabeth Holmes verdict complicates the upcoming trial of her ex-boyfriend and former Theranos COO Sonny Balwani. So the Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes this week was convicted on four federal fraud charges.

I don't know if people remember, this was the woman who said she had a blood test that ended up costing people their lives because it was not vetted right. It was faulty. And it was a huge fucking scandal.

Yeah, she dropped out of Stanford. There's a very good podcast about her, which was then made, like a lot of podcasts, like Dr. Death and all that. They were then made in Gladiator. It was made into a movie. And so you can see the doc. Oh, and there's a documentary also. Was it made into a movie or was so you can see the doc and Oh, and there's a, there's a documentary also. I think

it was, was it made into a movie or was it just a documentary series? Yeah. It's maybe a docu series, which is based on the podcast anyway. Uh, she was this startup in Silicon Valley and I think and a lot of big names, Buffett Gates, a lot of big names invested.ett, Gates, a lot of big names invested. Yeah. And I think part of it, though, was sexist, in my opinion. I think a lot of money poured in because she was the first female Steve Jobs, if you will. Right. So she had this aura about her, and she also spoke in such a weird way.

But it was going to be the apple of blood testing. And it was going to make blood testing simple. And she made all these claims. And she was busted on fraud because the claims were not backed up at all. And she argues she did not know they were patently false claims. But then you had a whole crew of people working for her that were complicit in putting out false information. It was system-wide. It was crazy. So now her boyfriend, though, is in a separate trial. So Balwani, the boyfriend, is 56.

He worked alongside Holmes for nearly seven years at Theranos after having befriended her when she was 18 and just out of high school. He's pleaded not guilty. Now, his name came up frequently during the Holmes trial. In emotional testimony, she claimed that he, nearly 20 years her senior, controlled all aspects of her life from her diet to her clothing to even her voice. Quote, he told me I didn't know what I was doing in business, that my convictions were wrong, that he was astonished at my mediocrity. And she testified that I needed to, that he said she needed to kill the person I was to become what he called a new Elizabeth that could be a successful entrepreneur. And then on the stand, she claimed that he also forced himself on her sexually.

Watching the trial, he must have been like, wait, wait, what is this trial about? Yeah. What just happened? Isn't this about a business model with blood oh am i going to be on trial for now rape yeah wow yeah that that's insane i just it's insane when you see these situations where these men can control women to do what they wear their voice everything like i literally cannot get my wife to let me sit in the corner spot on our sectional sofa every night she sits in that fucking seat and it's a better seat it's got a it's got a backing on both sides it's a deeper cushion. Yeah. Well, if you see this documentary, by the way,

there's no one who would believe that she's such a headstrong, headstrong is the wrong word, like determined, driven control freak. Yeah. There's no way. I mean, she's putting this up this there's no way a guy did that well i'll tell you what uh gazelle maxwell and i just watched a documentary you know i watched 2020 did a whole thing jizz lane what did i say gazelle yeah jizz lane jizz lane jizz lane kind of like she she became side of your bed she became. She became Epstein's fucking enabler.

She was taking women, fellow women, and indoctrinating them to be raped by rich men. And she was a very strong A-type, very controlling woman from a billionaire family. It was very strange how people can mold you. Isn't there speculation she did that with more than Epstein, though, like that she that was in her toolkit? Oh, she did that for other people. Wasn't there speculation that there was a European sex ring that she was also part of? Maybe she started with them anyway. They didn't mention that in 2020 at all. Well, even more than Ghislaine is if you see Holmes in this, like, you will never believe, like, she was this person. And I don't, I mean, her voice was so, I mean, there's no way that this guy, like, created her voice.

Yeah. I remember it was a weird voice and her outfits were always she just played the corporate thing to a T. Yeah. Just the way she held herself was like, that's all that. It's all a game. It's a fucking shell game. Yeah. It's all selling people to invest. Yeah. And so it's all like, you know, you're selling. So you're like, take a look, you know. Right. And you definitely gloss over the problematic areas. Which, there was a slight problematic area where it didn't work. Yeah. The thing that was selling did not work, did not do what they were saying.

And pharmacies were doing blood tests on people, and they were giving out false negatives, and it was literally costing people their lives. Ish. Yeah. Ish! Let's do... Letters! Let's do, uh... Letters? Let's do letters.

You got it, pal. Oh, look at this. Brand new year, same love. Joanne wrote a note. I seem to really have a crush on these guys. Well, it's just... You know what? It sounds like she has a new resolution.

I think she bought a mug. I resolution. I think she bought a mug. I got an email that she bought a mug. She did. I would hope. How are the mugs? They were saying they were sold out. The second batch of your maroon ones. The blue ones were sold out.

I think there's like a handful of the maroon ones left. Oh, hey, what happened to that eBay listing? Oh, why don't we check on that? All right. Imagine if we paid attention. I'm going to check on it right now. Did we read this one that the, yeah, I think we already read that one about the Florida teacher. And you were, don't, he, this guy said, don't research the underage college student video. All right. I don't know. All right.

I'll read it again in case we didn't read it. From Daniel Preston. Probably the reason Mike couldn't find the video of the Florida teacher having sex with her underage students is because it would be child pornography. If Mike watched it, he would be arrested for viewing it. Wait, did we read this letter already? That's what I'm wondering. Yeah. I think we did because I remember saying that's exactly what we talked about after that podcast. Yeah.

That would not be cool. All right. Sunday Papers Mugs, $1,000 for two mugs. Oh, now it's two mugs. Discontinued color blue, rare. Rare. All right. Are people watching this?

Can't you see it's new? Four-day shipping. I'm trying to. I forget how eBay works. It normally tells you if people are watching this. Anyway, I'm watching it. Okay. Anyway.

All right. Free shipping. Whoa. Whoa. For just $1,000, anyway. All right. Free shipping. Whoa. Whoa. For just $1,000, you get free shipping. And you know his description, right? What is it? Have your morning.

This is the last sentence. Have your morning coffee with these large mugs or mount them on the mantle and enjoy them as collectibles. And, of course, make sure to take it-ish. and enjoy them as collectibles. And of course, make sure to take it-ish. All right, let's do a very sad obituary. And that's all, folks. I mean, it's very sad.

Some people are very old. They lived full lives. They made an impact. Peter Bogdanovich, right? Nope. Oh. Sir Sidney poitier acting wow you're just gonna skip over the betty white thing huh no it's below it's below but it's old news it's old news that happened two weeks ago of course it's old news these people are 90s poitier just

died i think yesterday so uh started guests who's coming to dinner he was the first black actor to win an academy award for best actor for his performance in lilies of the field born in 1927 in miami florida to bahamian parents he uh was raised in bahamas and then came to the u.s at 15 worked as a dishwasher before landing an audition with the American N-Word Theater. His first big success- Sorry? Well, it's, can I say Negro? No.

Negro? Yeah. Of course you can say Negro. It's the American Negro Theater. Especially when you're talking about a real theater, a real historic. Yeah. I know it's a slippery slope when you're quoting lyrics now and theater, a real historic. Yeah. I know it's a slippery slope when you're quoting lyrics now and all that, but I think so. Okay.

His first big success was, it sounded worse. You never sounded so timid. It sounded worse when I said N-word. Okay. Yeah, it did. Are you kidding me? His first big success on Broadway was in Lysistrata, which was soon followed by No Way Out and Blackboard Jungle. Anyway, he started in The Defiant Ones in 1958, which gave him his first Academy Award nomination, starting Raisin in the Sun on Broadway.

And then he did it on the screen, Lilies in the Field. did it on the screen lilies in the field and uh it was uh the most noteworthy oscar of all time breaking down a barrier for black actors that had stood for 35 years of academy history um so i mean what a guy and then he then he started directing you know what he fucking directed you know what sydney poitier directed did he direct stir crazy stir crazy with Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor. No. The highest grossing film by an African-American director at the time. He then did Uptown Saturday Night and Stir Crazy, which were also with Richard Pryor. Well, listen, you're not perhaps his most famous movie.

And the quote from it is from the movie called In the Heat of the N-Word. In the Heat of the N-Word. In the heat of the night. Yeah. See how you see how it makes it sound way worse than it is. They call me Mr. Tibbs. He was very much involved with the civil rights movement, joining Harry Belafonte in the summer of Freedom Summer and becoming involved with the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee. So amazing guy. How did he do Stir Crazy?

Stir Crazy is too long. Yeah. But there was a time where Stir Crazy was my favorite movie as a kid. Yeah. That's right. We bad. We bad. Oh, my God.

And then what was the giant Grossberger? Yeah. Grossberger was the giant white bald guy, but then he had this angelic voice, and he sang, down in the valley. But it was angelic, and the whole prison would stop and listen to him. Yeah. Oh, my God. So funny.

But what a classy guy he was. He just exuded class He annoyed me a little I'm just going to say it A little bit Really? I think I'm allowed You have COVID by the way

Are you not catching on to that right now? Yeah I've been coughing He was a little too like He was like the queen Not in a gender way But like It was like royalty Like it was like I don't know But he was like the queen and not in a gender way, but like, it was like royalty. Like it was like,

I don't know. There was, but he was, he was, I don't want to say pretentious, but like there was, he was a little formal. Like he is everyday.

Like speech patterns sounded like he was auditioning for Shakespeare. Well, he grew up in the Bahamas, so they have a British, you know, that's a, there was a British colony. So he probably had, I shouldn't say any of this, whatever. He a British, you know, there was a British colony, so he probably had a slight British.

I shouldn't say any of this. Whatever. He's not annoying. He's a legend. By the way, he directed Stir Crazy. I'm full on board. I love this guy. Betty White, dead, died on New Year's Eve.

Who saw this coming? Two weeks before she was going to turn 100. Oh, oh, that would have been so sweet of you. Did you see the cover of People magazine? No. It came out, and it said betty white turns 100 i know hey did you did george burns make it to 100 because like betty white he had big plans to celebrate 100 remember who's going to be at caesar's or something i feel like he did reach 100. But did he have that target? Maybe Chris can look that up. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, I think Mel Brooks is going to reach 100. Well, you didn't. You bet against him. No, I changed it. Changed it. You didn't. All right. So Betty White, I don't know.

People have probably read all about it because she died a couple weeks ago. What am I saying? She died nine days ago. She was and i remember reading this or hearing her talk about it she hosted a show back in like the 50s when tv was new and it was like an it was like a sketch variety show but it went on for like eight hours straight every day and she had to fill that time and she said that's when she found her voice and wow yeah yeah it was just like super low budget early tv experience huh um but anyway i mean who can forget her and mary tyler moore is all of mary ty Mary Tyler Moore's staff gone? Oh, good question.

No, Mary Tyler Moore is still alive. What? No. Mary Tyler Moore died while I was doing my sitcom. Really? and really because i know this because we were on cbs radford in the valley on the mary tyler moore stage huh where they recorded mary tyler moore and it made me feel like oh man if these walls could talk they'd be they'd be saying about my sitcom what a waste of time compared to the legendary stuff that happened in there on her show. Ed Asner, is he still alive?

No, died recently. Really? Yep. Damn. Ted Knight, obviously, a while ago. I mean, I think when I'm, oh, Chloris Leachman? Jesus, what a cast. No, no, Chloris Leachman? Hmm. Jesus, what a cast.

No, no, no. Unbelievable. It's, oh, no, and then what about Rhoda? What's her name? Yeah. I mean, it's incredible. And you meet, I went back and watched that pilot and it's pretty amazing. And you meet all of them. Everyone at the news station. And you

meet Phyllis. and you meet Rhoda. Yeah. In the pilot. Yep. Yep. It's insane. In the pilot episode, Ed Asner meets Mary in the office, has a very awkward conversation in the office where he drinks and kind of – human resources would be alerted by the, by the meeting they had. And then, and then he goes out drinking that night and then he shows

up drunk at her door at like 11 o'clock at night and she lets him in. It was crazy. And that was the famous line in the interview when he takes out a thing to drink. He's like, uh, yeah. He's like, you got spunk. And she's like, well, well, thank you. He's like, I hate spunk. All right. So let's get to the fun. We always have to cheer up after the obituaries. Let's do some funnies. All right. Hager and his boys are up to no good. Oh, thank God. They're at a castle and there's a queen and she's standing out on the terrace.

And she looks down at them and she said, Would your mother be happy if she knew you were out raiding a castle? In parentheses. And raping women? And then Hager says, That depends what dress and shoe size are you. Because clearly the dress is coming off. Shoes are coming off too, sweetheart.

Let's get to it. That is exactly what it's saying. Hey, Mom, I got you some clothes from this woman I raped today. And some potatoes. Yeah. And some potatoes yeah and some potatoes a rape sale yeah that's what's going on there

this next one is Loretta in the Lockhorns at her coldest she fucking I had goosebumps with the cruelty of this fucking this little she just cast aside this little guy he walks in the door he's exhausted his shirt his collar is undone he's tired he's got his briefcase and she looks at him she goes so did you achieve greatness today. Oh, it's good. I like it. By the way, she's coming on the show. The writer, I'm supposed to get in touch with her in January for her to come on Sunday Papers.

Love it. Speaking of loving, what do you got for Family Circus? You know what? So I put it in this document just a few hours ago. And it's not that bad. You agree? So you got the shitty little redheaded boy. Billy. He's leaving this restroom with the father. And they're walking out of the men's room.

And the kid is yeah although it looks like a stall but anyway they're coming out of the restroom and the little kid is looking up with his pie hole open and he's saying to his dad why wouldn't you read me what it said on the wall daddy yeah it's it's you know what? It's cute. Twenty twenty two. I've gotten a lot softer or that isn't the worst. I mean, this is a little Stockholm syndrome. Like all of a sudden, this thing that tortures me is a little like neutral and I love it. Oh, no. It's like how people love G.W. Bush now. It's how how people love GW Bush now. It's how, how people like Kissinger now. Thanks.

You just, it doesn't take a lot when you hate something so much, you're looking for a reason to not carry the hatred around with you. Yeah. It's a little relief. It's a little pivot that all of a sudden provides you with relief. Yeah. Um,

it still sucks. Let's face it. Okay. What else? Well, this is a kickback. This was the New Year's Eve strip from Blondie. And Dagwood is dressed up in a tuxedo. He's got a red bow tie. He doesn't look bad. I'm not going to lie to you. He's he looks as good as he can look.

Yeah. And I'm thinking to myself, good. Thank God this guy is finally fucking stepping up his game and giving this woman who deserves the world. At least he's giving her one night respite from standing in front of that fucking stove, stirring food for this piece of shit. He's going to take her out. Come on, honey. We're going to be late. And she says, I'm hurrying. After last year, it'll be exciting to see people celebrating again. Cut to the final frame.

Dagwood is sitting on his chair.ie is in his lap and he and they're watching tv and he says do do we know how to party or what and she goes even if they're on tv now it should be pointed out she's wearing a a a raspberry sherbet colored dress. A fitted dress with spaghetti straps and her bosom is pressed against his chest. Her calves curled around his legs. And this is what she gets. This is what this fucking woman gets.

She runs a catering company. She's raised the kids. She puts up with him sleeping on the couch while she fucking mows the lawn. And this up with him sleeping on the couch while she fucking mows the lawn. And this is what he gives her on New Year's Eve. I don't know, Greg. They both seem into it.

You talk about Stockholm Syndrome. What do you think she has? That's it. It's like a New Year's in chill, though. They're trying to be positive here. They're watching it on TV like so many of us did. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's be positive in this 2022. Let's be positive in this 2022.

We're going to look back at your predictions next year, and I hope to God more of mine are right than yours because you went down the line negative. No, I didn't. Not at all. There was a couple of positive ones. Okay. Yeah. Bitcoin up. Dick Van Dyke alive. Come on now. Yeah. Well, I didn't. Not at all. There was a couple of positive ones. Okay. Yeah. Bitcoin up. Dick Van Dyke alive. Come on now.

Yeah. Well, we did a long one to start off the new year. This is a long one. Okay. We're gonna keep the trend going. No. No, we're gonna shorten it up a little bit. I hope. Well, we had a lot to catch up on. We missed a week, man.

We want to remind... We missed our first week last week, and thank you for the outpouring of emails of people saying they missed it and their Sunday wasn't right. Most people gave us a break and said you earned it after two years, taking one week off. There was also an outpouring of hate also. There was a little bit of hate. Yeah.

We want to remind you guys, audible.com is where you're going to go and you're going to sign up and you're going to support the show by uh by being a part of that world just visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 hyphen 500 there should be a link also on do it oh yeah that'll help us definitely give, you know, the tag us in that thing. Right. And try it. It's free. It's great.

And thank you to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Key. You guys do an amazing job every week. Beth Hoops. Yeah. And we will, we'll catch you guys next week.

Well, here's the first 2022 take it ace. Take it eesh! Take it eesh! You're all about We'll see you next time. And surely all of Allen Is your soon-to-be-kid Hot off the grass But someday paper's what counts With Mike and Fitz and me Thank you.