Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 97 1/16/22

Episode Date: January 16, 2022

This week: More kids are smoking cigarettes, Italian COVID-19 parties, and now we're told pot prevents COVID-19. (Gubbins can stop wearing a mask!) Plus, a TikTok creator is choked to death by his boyfriend in Detroit and a teenage boy is hacking into Teslas around the world.    

It's not Monday, it's not Tuesday, it's not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday, it's Sunday. It's Sunday. Papers. Clap us in, one. one motherfuckers we did it on two and i'm clapping in three two one there's our clap my clap and then i put my headphones in and then i gotta Let's do this thing. Read all about it. There it is. Read all about it, wicked pisser.

News this week coming to you from the Boston Globe, kid. For all you queers down the Cape. Kid. I like that a lot. I love when they hear it. That is a thing. What's up, kid up that is a boston thing kid yeah i'm in boston mass right now if you don't know uh by the time you hear this i will have finished my shows thanks for coming out yeah it's great i love coming back to boston this is where i started man this is it where are you right? You have good internet for a change.

I'm at the Westin Hotel, which is a very high-end, beautiful hotel. It's right on the waterfront on the edge of Southie. I'd say middle high-end, but yeah. And it's a quick walk to Southie, which I love. I walk down there for lunch. So where, you know, I lived there for four plus years where is this hotel well the waterfront has been developed you know the area like you actually have to kind of cross a bridge from downtown Boston it's just off Faneuil Hall across the bridge and then there's the waterfront there see yeah I know it's all no for my time yeah for my

time all right got it so um it's just so funny because I got to Logan Airport. And, of course, there's no gourmet coffee. There's no Pete's. There's not just the fucking dunk. It's the dunk. And there's a line of guys in fucking worn-out work boots and flannel shirts, even though it's eight degrees out. And I walk outside to find my

uber and i ask a cop which i i'm guessing they don't like to be asked where uber is at the airport when they're directing traffic and he walked over and he fucking laid on me the most intense boston sarcasm i wanted to get on the ground and just worship him. He fucking nailed it. He's like, you're going to go inside. You're going to look up. You're going to see an escalator. It was just like I felt chills.

Like, I love this town. You and I are the same way. It's like I don't know if it's – I don't know if there's a lack of self-respect where when a guy shits, a public guy righteously shits on us, it feels right. But I told you that JFK, when I went, I'm like, I go, yeah, where's this guy train? He's like, air train. Like I'm a second grader because there's a care there's a care underneath it that's what you can't really translate is that they are in fact giving you the information and they do care that you get there but they're going to make you feel like

a child as they do it right well. Well, you always like my story, and at the risk of other people having heard it. But quick one, when I went, I lived in Boston, and I went to the police precinct, and I was told to do that because our landlord was threatening us, and we knew where this was going to end up. It was going to end up probably in small claims court or whatever. So it would be good to have that on the record.

That's the only reason I went. So I go into the station, and a guy's there. And And I mean, talk about now, some people have so much more awareness of cops and they don't need these little headaches. Right. So anyway, I go in and the guy's there on duty and he's at the desk and I'm like, yeah, I'd like to file a complaint. He's like, ah, it's not the paper. And he's already so bothered. And he's like, all right, what is it? He's like, well, my landlord is physically threatening me with violence. He's already so bothered. And he's like, all right, what is it? He's like, well, my landlord is physically threatening me with violence. He's like, all right. He's like, okay.

And he gets to the party. He's like, can you describe your landlord? I'm like, you know, I don't know. He's like in his 50s, 60s. So he looks up at me and then he writes down 50s, 60s. He's like, how big is this guy? And I'm like, I don't know. He's probably five.

And he looked immediately. I say five. He looks up at me like, like, I don't know. He's probably five. And immediately I say five. He looks up at me like, what are you doing? And I go, probably weighs around 160. Puts down the pencil. He goes, sounds like you could stick this guy up your ass. I'm like, that's not the point. But the best is a cop.

Like, not only don't bother me, but will you beat him up yourself, for Christ's sake? You have an exhausted options one through three, which all involve violence. He wanted to tear it up when I said five, like 5'8", or whatever the hell the guy was. That's great yeah my uncle because you know when my my my grandfather was one of 13 and they were all born in ireland and they all came over to the states and two of them ended up in boston and uh their one of their children was a boston cop and so when i got to be you my mother's like oh you got to look up uh your uncle johnny he's a he's a cop in boston and so so i call him up and i get and i get like

oh you're my fucking nephew all right cool all right you want to come out to sunday supper so so i get on he goes i'll be at work you meet at the station. I'll bring you back to my house in Quincy, and you can meet Ma. And so I get on the red line, and it's like the last stop on the red line. And it's not Savin Hill. I can't remember. It's in Dorchester, but it's the worst neighborhood in Dorchester. And I get off the train. And I get off the train.

I walk about 30 yards, and a cop car puts the lights on and pulls over to ask me what I was doing in that neighborhood. Wow. And I said, I'm here to see my Uncle Johnny. No, not Johnny, Sonny. My Uncle Sonny, Sonny Coakley. And he goes, okay, jump in the car. They fucking drive me to the station. And I get there, and they they go Sonny's busy right now he just he just brought he just brought in a felon and so he comes out and I see him and he's

got the fucking marine cut tough dude and I look down and he's got fucking blood on his shoes and he drives me back to the house and I meet my aunt I was fucking it was the greatest I used to I used to go down and see him all the time. Oh my God, that's awesome. Yeah, he was a... When they pulled you over, I thought it was going to be a big apology. Well, sorry, dude. We thought you were black. Our bad. Do whatever you want.

Sorry. Welcome to our neighborhood. You had the hood on, we just assumed. So, big week for me. Me and Aaron are officially after 21 years of raising children. As of this past Wednesday, we are empty nesters. Amazing. Yep.

Yep. Wow. Dropped off Jojo at school up in Northern California. So you guys, do you all drove up there? Yes, we all drove up and then Aaron and I flew back. And it was very heartfelt. I'm not going to lie to you, a lot of tears when I said goodbye to her. Oh.

I mean, it was just so hard, especially with a daughter. I don't know. More than Owen, I just felt like, I don't know. It's like more than Owen. I just felt like, I don't know. Um, she you've also had a special relationship. You've also had a special, there's been a special quality to your relationship with her, which is after Owen left, she was the sole one in the house then. Yeah. And then graduated high school and almost like a,

like a roommate situation, you know, almost, you know, not peer, but you know what I mean. It's no longer a high schooler in the house. Right, right. So that's a very unique, you know, I'm feeling it with Olivia now that Sophie's in Michigan. I'm feeling it like it's such a dramatically different dynamic. It is. different dynamic it is and you know like just i found her loitering more after dinner like she wanted to have adult conversations more with us about politics and life and like you know philosophy and and it got it went to a whole different level and uh you know whatever i'm just uh it's

interesting also to think about a part of crying was like, I'm stuck alone in the house with one person now. And is that going to be insane? I mean, terrified of your, you know, of her emotional intelligence, which towers over you. Right.

Right. I mean, it is really like it's the kids have been a distraction to keep her from noticing how fucking juvenile I am and how little I have to offer. Poor Jojo loitering after dinner, trying to have a conversation. You're like, honey, I'm watching The Bachelor. Can't you see daddy's busy? Yeah. Go get daddy a non-alcoholic beer and go to your room. Daddy posted something clever on Twitter and he needs to see how many people are following it. Can you go inside?

Can't you just lock yourself in your room and listen to Joni Mitchell? That's what girls did when I was young. What's going on? Why do you want to talk to me? Yeah. How's Sophie doing? What's the update from Michigan? Good. She, you know, more like seemingly half of Michigan has COVID.

But Michigan, the school is doing well. I'm trying to think what the latest updates are. It's rushing and she doesn't know if she's a sorority type. I mean, she kind of isn't. And but it's such a big part of the social system there. So so talking to her about that, like weighing, like she had one friend who's very independent minded and really like, uh, it's very cool, cool girl. And she's quit on it. She's like, this isn't for me. So that's really made Sophie think also, you know, and that's really, and that's that girl's style going against the swimming against the tide because the whole thing there is because otherwise

you you get housing for freshman year and then that's it and so you if sophie doesn't go in the greek system or whatever then it's like finding an apartment and all that stuff so she has to decide pretty soon um anyway it's easy to say fuck fraternities, but if you're at certain schools, like Owen has friends at Cal State at Berkeley. And like if you're not in the Greek system at Berkeley, you're not getting into parties. It's like it's like mandatory. It's fucking bullshit. If I was a university president, I would ban all fraternities and sororities. It is just it creates clicks. It creates groupthink. sororities it is just it creates clicks it creates group think it creates i'm not gonna i honestly believe there's more incidents of rape in in a fraternity house than there would

be in a regular dormitory for sure oh i think so yeah and uh just the amount of alcohol poisoning yeah and the hazing and all that stuff anyway there's that if i look tired today i was telling chris before this it's because uh i've gotten smarter in the last week. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like a lot, I think. So I'm doing, do you do the spelling bee on the New York times? I don't. So I'm about three weeks into that now. And I don't stop until I hit the genius level, which is it's the circle. It's a word, you know, it's a bunch of letters, and you have to make as many words as you can. And the smallest word is four letters, blah, blah, blah.

There's an addiction. And it comes out at midnight. No, sorry, it comes out at 3 a.m. in New York. And there's lots of articles about these people who have become, they stay up till 3, even though they have to go to work at 9. They stay up because they can't wait for the next one. But the big thing is, have you seen it's all over Twiddle? Wordle?

Twiddle. It's all over Twitter. Wordle? No. I think you posted it in a text and I got annoyed by you. You did. You did. I think you left that text chain.

Yeah. So, no. Wordle is pretty. Here's Wordle. You ready? Here's today's. So, it's this simple. You ready? Here's today's. So it's this simple. There's just blank spots.

Yeah. It's a five-letter word. Right. You have six guesses to guess what the word is. And when you guess, it tells you what letters are in the word and if you've guessed them in the right spot. So here, we'll do one together. Here's the first. So I'll put in a rose, right?

A rose. So the best is going online and reading these nerds absolutely fight it out on probability and the likelihood of the letters being in there. And they've ranked all the letters. They've created programs to tell you the best first guest. So here's the first guest, and it sucked. I got one letter. You see how the A is yellow? Yeah. That means an A is in there, but not in that spot. That's all I learned. So you want to pick a word that has a lot of vowels in it since those are frequent letters. Is that right? Is that why you chose a rose? Yeah, but there's a lot of people saying,

why don't you choose consonants? And so I don't even know what my second word is, and we won't belabor it here with people, but I bet people listening to this podcast... If this was a text, Shane, I'd be off it right now. Yeah, but I bet a lot of people listening, that's why I brought up this podcast, already know what my second word should be. Like, it shouldn't be paint, which hits a lot of them,

but I'd be repeating an A. Anyway, I'll tell you how that one works out. It's a very bad start. But the main reason I'm getting smarter Greg is I then went down this Christopher Hitchens wormhole and I watched this debate he had

with Dinesh D'Souza it was at Notre Dame and it was about does God exist and I've seen Hitchens in other debates and with Stephen Fry and all this and with against clergy where he eviscerates them. And he came up with a list of all the things the Catholic Church has apologized for and added like fourfold what they should continue apologizing

for. And it's amazing. This though, I, you got to watch this thing. First of all, they are the most articulate. It doesn't even matter what side you're on and Hitchens. I don't think clearly one, believe it or not. And the other guy never went, he just went to nothing can come from nothing, which is a famous art. Anyway, I could go on a long time, but I was up till probably three. Nothing can come from nothing, which is a famous article. Anyway, I could go on a long time, but I was up until probably 3 a.m. last night. I mean, I believe in God. I was raised Catholic, and I always wonder about these guys.

I'm not religious any longer. I don't follow the Catholic faith, but I believe there is a God, and I don't understand a guy whose life ambition is to tell people there's no God. Like, I understand attacking the Catholic Church and the things that they've done wrong. I get that. But then he steps it out into attacking the concept of a higher power, which part of me, maybe because of going to AA and Al-Anon, I have a strong connection to a higher power as well. and Al-Anon, I have a strong connection to a higher power as well. And God is a very vague, kind of nature-based concept to me, but it helps me. And I think it orders the universe. And I think it can be stepped out very logically that there would be a higher power or a greater

intelligence that's governing the laws of the universe. And I'm just always fascinated by a guy who that's all he wants to do is debunk it well he has he states his reason he goes we're creating this you know we have this weak out of weakness this desire to really really need to believe that there's a daddy or a mommy out there taking care of us and that that they're very concerned with us. In all the things they created, they're really concerned with who we sleep with. He talks about how organized religion is maybe the worst thing ever on the planet, responsible for the most deaths and controlling freedom, and it's born out of that. He then goes, to remove that, you're getting more clarity to to remove that. That's an out to say that. No, but conflate. But that's that's where I have a problem is he's always conflating higher power with religion.

And I think the two can be distinct entities and they don't have to be. You don't have to negate one to negate the other. Well, I would recommend everyone go to this. It's at Notre Dame. It's Dinesh and it's Hitchens. And because this is how you know, first of all, it's outrageous how articulate they are. Outrageous.

Yeah. And the way they, you know, I know a little bit about debating and stuff and like, you know, false equivalencies, but they bring up, you know, false equivalencies, but they bring up, you know, of course those concepts that science always suggests what would unravel their theory where religion never does. Religion always says, oh yeah, no, no, no. God hid the fossils. That's how he knew we'd become that smart. He hid the fossils. Like they always move the goalposts where science admits their limitations. And that's anyway.

Right. Right. Right. My point is, this is how you know how great they are because I'm fully team Hitchens. Yet Hitchens would deliver and they hadn't timed. They'd deliver, let's say his five minute retort.

I'm like, done. I mean, that's a knockout. The fight's been called. Dinesh goes for five. I'm like, fuck Dinesh is on top again like yeah

and it kept going like that it was it was fascinating I can't reckon we're gonna post a link on this episode of uh of that debate we'll put it up there so you guys can watch it I want to watch it and then we'll talk about it more next week yeah it's really and you do get smarter because I had to pause so many times and rewind it to follow their absolutely airtight logic on just on arguing, like on dismantling and finding the bias and the assumptions and presumptions the other guy had made. Right or wrong with their with what their view was, just that clear thinking. It was so clear headed, you know? Yeah, that's fascinating. I mean, like, yeah, deconstructing where your where your opinions come from is very interesting. You know, it's because it's we're in a we're in a society now where opinions are the equity. You know,

it's it's there. There is a lot of commerce done on opinions right now, whether it's talk radio or podcasts or social media. Everybody is dug in and very vocal about their take on things. And then other people want to hear takes on things. And so I think that is an interesting time to stop down and look at why are you thinking this? Where does that come from? All right. We'll talk about it next week. But be warned when you listen to it. So I had a nightmare last night. Another

reason I'm exhausted that woke me up. Really? Yeah. Because they talk about a concept that's talked about a lot, but just how unbelievably insignificant we are. Right. And, and he brings up Einstein and Einstein then said in any detail, and this is, I'll just set it up for us to think about next week. He goes, and I'm going to be outrageously inarticulate right now. Basically, if one thing is off, if one degree is off in this formation, if one thing went off in the creation of our planet, of our solar system, whatever, it's all gone. And it's so fragile now. We can't live on any other planet because they're too hot and too cold. And a lot of our planet is too hot

and too cold. It's this razor's edge of this ecosystem that we are living on. And so I had a nightmare that a friend of mine, we were away, a friend of mine came in, this guy who lives in the Palisades, I don't know why he was in my dream, and he goes, that thing happened, and in my dream it was very articulate. But he was like, basically it was like that 1% happened. They just talked about it. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, no, no, no, people are going to start running out of this restaurant

in two minutes. I just heard it. People are screaming on the street. And I saw the movie uh don't look up did you see that yet no i'm gonna watch it tonight so that fed my thing also which is at any moment we're gone and in fact like mid word the next three words the whole world could disappear right we wouldn't even know what happened yeah and that comforts me. That's how, you know, I'm depressed is when I have that thought, I go, oh, I used to. Well, it's one of the tenets of Buddhism is to remind yourself that you're going to die. And it's a great piece of anti-anxiety

advice. Anytime you're in a situation and you really are fucking feel trapped, you just go, I'm going to die. and it kind of releases you well unlike my nightmare which woke me up you're gonna wake up with jizz in your pants then because you're gonna love you're gonna love these fatalistic apocalyptic scenarios that your brain will probably dream up but it was like and we had like 30 minutes and everyone knew and all of a sudden all the electricity started going out, all the telephone, like all because the stat, the charges and the everything was the world was going sideways. And we had 30 minutes and then there was no way to contact. Like I remember trying to

contact. So, but she's in Michigan. So all that went out the way. And I woke up unable to talk to my two daughters at all. No last words. With a half hour. And still couldn't do anything about it. Wow. Jesus. Yeah. And you think that was a result of listening to these debates? I think it's a combination of, I didn't really love Don't Look Up,

but it's a great, as Adam McKay will with his giant brain, it's a great meditation on, you know, it's a giant analogy of scientists have just told you this thing's coming. How are you going to react? And that's what the movie is. And that's by the way, in the first three minutes, I haven't spoiled anything. And so, uh, and, uh, yeah, I can't talk about something else. So things in that movie informed this nightmare, of course. You'll see, there's real, when you see the movie, my nightmare is not far away from that. But what sealed it was this Einstein talk

about how the physicists know just, I mean, by the way, 1% is the grossest gigantic number. It's a millifraction of 1% that has to be off. Like on probably immeasurably slight thing. Yeah, there's a book. You ever read A Brief History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson? You brought that up and I love Bill. I got to read that.

It's incredible, and it really outlines exactly that, how tenuous the genesis is and the continuation of the species is. And I tried to listen to it going to sleep, and I couldn't because it kept me awake. I was riveted. He goes into every aspect of science biology and um physics and each one he gets into molecular level stuff that makes you just sit up and go like my mind is blown we are so fucking insignificant well i didn't know and you learn this i did not know that scientists have

given up trying to defend that molecules, you know, the primordial soup, that theory no longer holds primordial soup. They think that it might have come from outer space. In other words, and been like dropped, that the idea that the molecules can arrange themselves in a way that would lead to life, it's not as easy. You can't win an argument saying we started in primordial soup, lightning probably struck it at one point, and through the just shy of infinite possibilities, life formed. That was news to me that that is kind of no longer a good argument. I love it.

All right. More about this next week. Are we done? I think that's all I got for today. I'm smarter. I just wanted you to know that. The big story this past week also was my friend Bob Saget died. Oh, fuck.

And I don't even want to get into it right now. We were deciding whether to talk about it at the top or during the obituaries, but let's save it for the obituaries. It's too raw. It's too raw for me to even talk about. Yeah, he's amazing. We'll talk about the obituaries, but basically, if you walked into a room, you were there, I was there,

and a bunch of other comics in the weirdest way and this is all credit to him I would think he would make eye contact with me like hey like dude I can't wait to talk to you

I'll be over in a minute right and I it's unbelievable how many people are he put under that impression yeah yeah

and by the way it's true yeah he had that magic thing where he made everybody feel like the center of the universe and uh and it and it was and it was organic it was some people put on that charm he was the guy that would then follow up with a text or a phone call and that's what i mean he would come over yeah and i have to underscore i'm not in his world like you are yeah i'm not but he will remember i produced him a few times but i mean so i might as well just be a fan that he maybe recognizes but still i'm under that impression yeah yeah all right um the song this week by gary carlin was um an example of look we're not looking for you to be the Beach Boys.

We don't need a cello player in the hallway and 12 synthesizers or really talent. Just a song. Just a song. We love it. I don't do that. I like this. You played it for me, and I immediately said I liked it. Yeah. There's something about it that makes you listen to it twice. The logo this week, I mean, talk about talent. Oh, my God. Melody Myers went to town on the Sgt. Pepper's cover. You know, people might start the podcast,

and I don't know how they view it or digest it. Anyway, ingest it. This logo might come up while the song comes up. It might lift that song way up. Yep. Yep. I think so. I don't know if, you know, we talk about someday of like locking in a logo.

This is a front runner for what would the cover. Would we be sued for copyright infringement? Well, can you do this? We're're comedy so we can do it right well there's an article which uh there's a sorry there's there's the seven defenses uh that you you use anyone can sue you by the way so yes someone yeah but there's the seven defenses for fair use and one of them is transformative use. The argument here would be, has she created a new piece of art? Absolutely. So then the people suing their lawyer would probably advise them. I've been through this too much with especially I learned all this on Tosh. I know when we would just air clips and not pay for them.

But we had to go through all these legal hoops. And their lawyer would say they are going to use transformative use as a defense. And it's going to really probably a very uphill battle to win anything. So we're in the clear. We're not in the clear on our corrections. We had a couple, a number of people. Also, it could be parody because we're so bombastic compared to the, maybe we're parodying them. So anyway, there's a combination of uses. What's a song that uses the word bombastic? Is there a song that uses bombastic?

Oh, remind me next week, Chris, remind me to talk about Elvis Costello has stopped playing a song. Because I thought for a second he'd be bombastic. Oh, Oliver's Army. Yeah, let's talk about Elvis Costello has stopped playing a song. Because I thought for a second. Oh, Oliver's Army. Yeah. Let's talk about Oliver's Army. Well, the song is, it's about Northern Ireland. Yes, it is. And I mistakenly thought it was about Oliver North for a long time.

And you corrected me. Yeah. But it was, the line in the song is. One less white N word. Yeah. So the article I was reading goes. So the line is there's one there's one more something in one less white N word. So the article wrote white N.

Swear to God, have you ever seen this? Uh, and the lyric was one less white and hyphen G G E R. I'm like, you fucking assholes. How about N hyphen word? Yeah. N hyphen W O R D. Right. Like, did, was this an intern like just put n word like you know and i know and hyphen and then the right you know yeah and they were what what are you doing and they put a dot over the asterisk that they replaced us you even knew that was an eye but he asked that not only uh they don, he doesn't want it bleeped. He wants it to, to stop being played. He wants radio stations to respect him and just stop playing the song.

It's a really good song. It's a fucking great song. And it's, and it's, it's one of his staples. It's probably the song that makes him the most money. I would say top five songs that makes him his most money. And, you know, the N-word is just something that is, the context is different now. I have used it in the past in a scholastic way, in talking about the word.

I've said the word, and I would never do that now. It was a different time. There was a time when comedians went on stage and they talked about the word and they said the word and you just you just can't do it now well the louis ck famous bit that he hates the n-word but uh he's fine with when you would say it literally yeah he goes he goes the problem is the n-word because people hide behind the word when they say the N word. And now they've put that word in my head. Kind of like the spelling of N-G-G.

Right, right, right. No, but yeah, he used to talk about it as well. And I think people should be able to talk about it if it's articulate. And in this song, his either grandfather or a relative of Declan McManus's of Elvis Costello's was was called that. And that's what he was saying. He's like, and this will result in one less white. And that's what his his relative was called. Right.

And so, again, it's in context when Archie Bunker has said the word. Clearly, it was like perhaps the most liberal show ever, an open-minded and pro-civil rights show ever. And the context there was a bigot was saying it. And no one makes that effort anymore. There's context to that word because the Irish, the Catholic Irish, were referred to as white N words. That was a, it wasn't like he, he didn't coin the phrase. He was repeating the phrase. Right. Yeah. It was, they were,

they were always considered the N words of Europe. That was, that was, that was said. And is that because we're always late to places? Hey now, wait a minute. Corrections. This'll be one next week. You saying that. A number of people reached out to point out that I was, in fact, right. Bensonhurst is in Brooklyn. Matty O'Halloran says it's where Travolta strutted with his two slices,

86th Street and 20th Avenue in Saturday Night Fever. The Christmas lights are in Dyker Heights, Brooklyn, 84th Street. I didn't know that part. Now, I thought it was in Bensonhurst. I don't know, but I guess it's Dyker Heights. This guy lives in Bay Ridge. Fuck Queens, he said. And then Rich M said

Bensonhurst is in Brooklyn, as you originally thought. I was just pointing out that the incident you were referring to happened in Queens in Howard Beach. That's where the black guy was chased by the white guys and got hit by a car oh god yeah either way i emphatically recommend the sicilian at new york pizza where the incident occurred do you recommend it for everybody should should really anybody show up for a slice there or just certain people if it's still open uh you know if it can survive that you know the pizza's good oh yeah only second only to the pizza where they they were this where the

children were sold into sexual slavery by hill Clinton in Washington. I'm trying to look. I know Canarsie, and I know Tyson's from Brownsville. And then there's, well, Flatbush, of course, but that was very Italian, wasn't it? Flatbush? Yeah. Yeah.

And then Crown Heights. Flatbush is where Son of Sam killed some people, too. Yeah, yeah. No, he terrorized that part of, you know, I refer to it as Long Island. But that part of Brooklyn, you know, Brooklyn, that area. He terrorized all of New York, let's face it. Well, he started in Throg's Neck, which is where I was born and lived for the first five years of my life. And then he did a bunch in the Bronx. And then what freaked people out is then he went to Queens and then he went to Brooklyn.

So all five boroughs were shitting their pants. There's a great documentary about it, which talks about how it was not one killer, but it was a series of people and they were part of a cult and it was related to manson yeah no that documentary is really good yeah um also we got one uh from brian from wimberley i hate that i knew this correction off the top of my head madam the puppet sat on the fist of wayland flowers all right you have to word it that way who succumbed to an HIV-related disease at the age of 48. From fisting. From fisting.

I mean, it's right there. Remember, we're cleaner in 2022. We are. We have been very clean today. Have you noticed? You let out some F-bombs. I probably did, too. I don't realize.

But I'm smarter now, so it doesn't matter. By the way, there is a conjoined twins movie stuck on you, a Farrelly Brothers comedy starring Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon. Was that any good? I remember it not being as strong as the others. I'm trying to remember. All right. It was around the time.

What was the one also where the guy saw everyone, the woman is beautiful even though she was overweight. Oh, yeah. I figured that one, too. She was overweight. Around that time. Yeah. Some tour dates coming up, folks.

Portland, Oregon at the Helium Comedy Club, January 20th through 22nd. Syracuse, Funny Bone, January 28th and 29th. Lexington, Kentucky will be a comedy off-Broadway on February 24th through 26th. And then on the way home, I'm hitting Omaha. Just announcing this date. I'm going to Omaha, Nebraska to the waiting room on February 27th. Tickets for all these dates at FitzDawg.com. Come out and see some live comedy.

Take a chance. Maybe Warren Buffett. I think he's in Omaha. He is in Omaha. Yeah. I told you. I think he might be in Lincoln. No, Omaha. Is he Omaha? Okay. Yeah, because I know, so Rabi goes back there, right? Rabi's wife Stephanie

is from there. And he sent me a picture. I might have talked about this before, but briefly he sent me this picture and I'm like, why did you send me this? He's in a movie theater, typical, like an AMC or whatever, and it's the velvet lines to get your popcorn, you know, the ropes, you know, and he's online. And he's like, look who it is.

And it's an old guy in a red sweater. Warren Buffett is on the popcorn line. Yes. Yes. In Omaha at a regular. It's unbelievable how that guy keeps it real. Dude, he drives a Honda Accord, and every morning he goes to McDonald's for a breakfast sandwich. Now, if the stock market was up the day before, then he buys, he gets the hash browns on the side.

If it doesn't, he doesn't get the hash browns on the side. And then he flies coach. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I believe all those. Also, that's a little against his theory of, like, don't celebrate too much when it goes up. He's always like, just stay in it. Right. God, can you imagine if when you first made any money at all, you know, 10 grand, if you would put that into Berkshire Hathaway 20 years ago, 30 years ago, you'd be a fucking millionaire right now.

Oh, no, there's so many of those stories where also I thought where I knew the stock was good. I thought I was too late. Like, yeah, I told you Jeff Bezos came on Craig Kilbourne. So that means that was between 2000 and 2005 when I was there. OK, let's say it was 2003 towards the later half. We had we did five questions with him and it was how much is your stock gone up just today? And we did the math on it. And I remember when we were doing that thinking, God, I really missed I missed a boat with Amazon. Yeah, right. Right. In 2003. Yeah, it's easy to it's easy to kick yourself about these stocks but the key is to just get in an index fund and leave the money

there the index funds beat i've got a fucking stock guy and he takes one percent of all my money every year and i swear to god he never does as well as the S&P 500 or the Dow. I could just put it in an index fund and not pay that 1% and do better. It's crazy. Well, stock is, as we sit here, by the way, if this news sounds a little old, this is a Friday. We had to do it on Friday because I don't know, what are you doing? Going to see your cop uncle? No, I'm going to a Bruins game tomorrow. Are you really? Yeah. Well, the stock market's down 400 right now um but my short stock tza flying up what's it up today you got a short now i'm only up i'm up four percent today tza buy it

and follow mike's general life advice which is that all things will go bad. Bet against Brady. Bet on the earthquake. Bet against the stock market. Also bet that this 1% thing is going to happen to the universe and we're all going to disappear with 30-minute warning. Bet on it. Rent.

Bet on it. Rent, don't buy. Get divorced. Sell short on everything. I'm ready. Don't buy, get divorced, sell short on everything. I'm ready. Listen, if you want to learn a new language this year, whether it's saving more or spending less, getting organized or losing weight,

there's a lot of worthwhile goals to set for yourself this year. At the top of my list is learning a new language with Babbel, the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions. I got one. Si, claro. I got one, and I am relearning French, which I studied in high school, so I had a little bit of a base of it. And I'm telling you, you talk about being smarter again, my brain is coming alive.

I'm having so much fun learning french again and my neighbor flo from paris i have conversations with him now in the alley and it's it's a lot of fun no way yep yep i'm doing spanish the whole babble process is addictively fun fast and easy babble teaches bite-sized language lessons in real-world use. The 15-minute lessons make the perfect way to learn. The other language learning apps, I tried. I'm not going to say the other one I tried, but it didn't stick. It became very rote, and I got bored.

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Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to babbel.com and use promo code PAPERS. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com, code PAPERS. Babbel, language for life. I'm going to start doing a spelling,

Abeja. That's B, in case you didn't know it. There you go. Did I tell you the short story of, so Sophie took, you know, she's at Michigan and all that,

so evidently she's a genius. Three years of Espanol at Santa Monica high school. She was doing a, she's taking Spanish at Michigan. She's home for a break. She's at Liz's house and she's in her room and she is remote learning in a Spanish class. and she is talking in Spanish. And Olivia, who's in high school here in Los Angeles, walks by with her friends, whose native language is Spanish, and they started dying laughing.

She said they were bent over in the hallway because, keep in mind, three years at high school, and now she's Spanish at the college level and literally is like, mi casa es roja. And maybe even worse than that. Now, Owen, who, you know, as I've talked about, he went to Spanish immersion from kindergarten all the way through senior year of high school. He took two classes a day in Spanish and he learned from native speakers. And we've traveled to Mexico,

Costa Rica, Spain. And every time he speaks, they're like, he does not have an American accent. He sounds like he's from, you know, Mexico. Right. And then, so then same thing he was doing, he was doing a Spanish class online in the living room. And these kids from the midwest were exactly like that me casa s it was so fucking bad i mean this is the most hackneyed premise ever but but it is like to get so intimidated especially you with french because all you hear about is the french calling out pronunciation it's like hey fuck we're gonna be clean hey douche wads Do you know what you sound like? It's preposterous, but for some reason we file it under romantic and charming. Yeah. Yeah.

It's, it's lunacy. What your accent sounds like in America, in English. I know people really hate American accents. It's a, and the, and the one they always parody is Texas.

They think every American sounds like a Texan. No, I know, but it's like so you get pan. You don't say bread exactly correctly. You don't fade on the end the way they want you to, and then they're a stickler on it. Screw them. You're making an effort.

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Oh, and because Just Eggs comes from plants, you're also helping to save our planet. So that's nice if you're into the whole saving the environment thing. I got it in the mail, and they have these pre-made patties that are you throw them in the toaster for six minutes and it makes the perfect egg sandwich throw it on a couple pieces of bread and then they also have like a batter like an egg batter that you can make stuff with it tastes i'm telling you i like it better than eggs and i used it I also uh I made a scramble so I did it it's already you know normally I crack the eggs mix them up in a bowl put stuff in it this is all ready I just pour it right in the pan add this I put the sausage in actually a little before I pour it in

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Not to get too detailed about this. It has texture. Texture is very important to me. That's what's doing. That's the sand. Yeah, that's the grit. That's what's going to that's what's going to get the job done. This stuff is awesome. And I think about that all the time. Like, it's amazing the amount of paper and like, what are we doing? Do we think this can last forever? Yeah. At Real Paper, all their products are 100% plastic-free and made without virgin tree fibers,

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That's R-E-E-L, paper, P-A-P-E-R dot com slash papers to enter or enter promo code papers to get 30% off your first order. Real paper is toilet paper and paper towels that change lives. Okay. I'm going to wipe myself with a wrapper, by the way. That would be a good idea. Hey, what are you going to waste? Why do you crack? Why do you crack? Crinkle it to get us into our first front page section?

Okay, hold on. I got to crinkle some bamboo. That is the most environmentally sound crinkle we have ever done. That's right. That's right. Extra! Extra! We all have found it!

Extra! All right. Where are we? Front page. Front page, baby. COVID updates. I hate to say it. These stats were from Wednesday. So January, actually January 11th, 2022, 767,000 cases. January 11th, 2021, 226,000 cases.

So a third of it. We have 300% more cases now. Of this year and last year on deaths this year, 2650. Last year, 2050. So it's a serious situation. But let's get into some stories. An 84-year-old man got 12 COVID jabs in less than a year and he wants more. Keep jabbing me.

This guy, last name Mandal, is 84. He's in India. He had all the vaccines in just 11 months and even managed to book two less than 30 minutes apart on the same day. He said he wanted to feel stronger during the pandemic and rid himself of the joint pain he has suffered for eight years. The former postman has been accused of a string of offenses by police in the village of Ori in India, where he lives.

So I just, I just put this article in here to show you that every country has its version of going postal everyone yes the postman or the unhinged one yeah yeah right right yeah it's uh it's gotta be it's an addiction it's i'm the same way with proctology exams i schedule one i have a standing thursday with my doctor my doctor my guy my doctor dr what was dr vinnie boomba dr vinnie boomba with the stinky finger uh this week i think he's gonna be huh greg are you did you switch to bamboo it's looking good greg looking good very different scenario down here i gotta tell you by the way the last time i went in for the proctology exam he put on the glove

and then and then he fucking goes into his little ky jelly vat and he dunks his finger and he pulls out just a load of ointment yeah i was like dude how tight do you think my asshole is at this point? I'm 55. You can pretty much, you just, just lick your finger. You're in. Oh my God. Most people are comforted by the fact that there's a lot of lube coming that way, whether you're a male or female, you on the other hand, you want more friction. I just don't want to clean up for the next 90 minutes as I'm walking out of the doctor's office and it's still trickling down my thighs because Vinny Boombatz had to go deep on the fucking Vaseline jar. So is this your way of sneaking in dirty stuff through the medical loophole?

Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. All right. So another story. A new vaccination mandate in Italy requires everyone over 50 to be vaccinated or pay a hefty fine. So some are opting to pay to get infected with covid instead. Soon after the announcement of the new law, enterprising opportunists started offering covid parties where people who tested positive for the disease mix and mingle with those who want to catch it. One racket in Tuscany even includes a truffle dinner with wine along with positive testing infection for $150 American dollars. Wow. How about that? Please welcome our guest of honor.

It's a homeless Rico. Give us a call for Rico. This particular homeless piece of shit also has a hep C and a tuberculosis. So everybody get in tight. What about the prostitutes are like, well, it's 50 for a handy, 100 if you want to go all the way. The prostitutes are like, well, it's 50 for a handy, 100 if you want to go all the way. If you also, if you want COVID, it's 200.

Yeah. I'll cough on you for 200. Well, I mean, what a little niche for prostitutes. I mean, like, it's like, oh, no, no, no. You got to go to the ones who have it. I mean, if you're paying $150 to get it, why don't you get infected? That's what a lot of, in a misguided way, that's what a lot of people did with AIDS. Yeah. They thought, oh, I'll be immune to it after I get it.

Right, right. All right. And then, okay, hold on. New segment. You ready? New segment. Drum roll. This new segment is called Good News for Gubbins.

roll. This new segment is called Good News for Gubbins. And the good news in this week's Good News for Gubbins, a new study found cannabis compounds stopped COVID virus from infecting human cells in a lab. Cannabis compounds prevented the virus that causes COVID-19 from penetrating healthy human cells, according to researchers from Oregon State University. Oregon! I know that's not his school. Those aren't ducks. Go Ducks. But still, very close to home for him. If this is true, Gubbins is immune for the next three decades. His mask is a bong, basically. All right, so I put this story in a few days ago and then this morning

uh they i'm on a chain with mikey and gubbins they texted me this story so it has clearly come up on the gubbins radar um yeah it's like instead of losing your sense of taste with the disease, you actually want to eat everything in sight. Totally. Um, in terms of being super vaccinated, I love your story about, uh, Owen breastfeeding. Just tell that quickly. Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Owen, Owen breastfed for two years. And people go like, well, you know, breastfeeding is good for your immune system. It's like, really? I think at this point we could safely dunk him in a bucket of polio. Yep. I found the link.

He sent the smile. He sent it. You were on the chain, too. And this article, because this story is being picked up everywhere. Could cannabis prevent COVID? To the authors of a new study, it sure looks like it. Boy, how far do you think Rogan's going to run with this one? Oh, right.

Right. He enjoys a little cannabis. I did see a clip of him. Anyway, we don't have to go into it, but always listen. Obviously, we never hear at this podcast purport to tell the truth or be fact-based. In fact, we have a giant section called corrections, which constantly remind you how we're almost always wrong, but do be aware and we won't single him out of any sources. Double it up. Look for more sources. If you think you've found the rationale

to not take the vaccine or to take it, double it up. Just look into it, whatever your view is. Well, thank you for that public service announcement, Mike Gibbons. Yeah. And wipe your ass with bamboo newspaper. That's what I want to wipe my ass with. Yeah. And don't forget, I'll be in Portland next weekend. All right. Next story. Kids are smoking again. I just want to put some good news in here. Cigarette smoking has been in a steady decline among adults in the United States for 30 years. Recently, nicotine use has gone up because of vaping. Yet in 2020, for the first time in two decades, cigarette sales increased. The questions researchers are trying to figure out are, are we actually seeing more smokers? Are we seeing more frequent smokers? Or is the time we

weren't going out erasing the memory of what it was to have smokers standing outside of bars? All of those are possible. What do you think it is? I think, honestly, I am seeing more and more smoking in movies and tv shows by cool characters it's like um what's what's the one with uh with um ba ba billy bob thornton um oh yeah yeah yeah sorry yeah the one where he's in venice here yeah he's like all these really super cool guys you want to be like and they're smoking in every fucking scene right orange is the new black everybody's it's just there's so many shows and i think people are watching more stuff streaming and i think young people are very impressionable and i think they're probably

smoking more because of it I ran into too many S&P which stands for Standards and Practices Departments at channels including Comedy Central who were like and CBS when I had a sitcom there in no way can you like we were fighting like there was a

cigarette or the joke was even about it or it was the proper context like what are you doing smoking and yet they still would never allow me probably because my shows weren't powerful enough in other words i wasn't like a south park even though they're animated they would never let me show an inhale the best i could negotiate was they could uh show an exhale which is so ridiculous really but i'm wondering if they're loosening that up i mean you know the the show you're talking about they could show an exhale, which is so ridiculous. Really? But I'm wondering if they're loosening that up. I mean, you know, the show you're talking about was on Amazon.

So streamers don't have advertisers or it's not the same culture where advertisers have as much power. Yeah. So I don't know. Maybe it's loosened up then a little bit. I know our friend Matt Malloy is just in a show where he had to smoke and he's not a smoker. And so he was practicing with these herbal cigarettes that they give you. Oh, wow. I mean, it's pretty amazing because, you know, most of these actors don't smoke and they're really good at it.

Like being a good smoker is an art. Like there was a guy when I grew up, everybody had the cool kid in town, the guy who was the coolest kid in town. And the kid in my town, his name was Alphonse. And, uh, I, I think he was Italian and he had like, you got to remember, this is the eighties and he had like the feathered back hair he always had a Marlboro dangling perfectly from his lips he just inhaled when he exhaled it was never an effort it just sort of came out in different interesting ways he had like the open Timberlands he had the bandana in his back pocket the leather jacket the ear piercing and then when he was like when he was

like 17 he was dating this like 25 year old woman who had a trans am that used to drive him around he was the coolest fucking guy yeah and and the cigarettes were like a big part of it like the marlboro reds folded up in his fucking sleeve in his t-shirt cut to now with his 10 year old or wife still and they still have the trans am and he's on a respirator. Yeah, the Trans Am has a different colored hood and a quarter panel on it. So did he peak then? Like, I always wonder.

In Eastchester, New York, I saw a lot of guys peak in high school. I don't know. I'm going to have to check on him. I'm still good friends with some of my buddies that I grew up with. I'm going to check in and find out what's going on with alphonse you know there was a lot of tarrytown's a big union town you know because the gm plant was there and then there was a big carpenter's union and a plumber's union everybody was in the union and those are good fucking jobs man guys like that end up learning a craft in high school they had uh what they called boces which was like learning uh you know motor

repair or we had that also yep culinary school and it was really great yeah sorry just getting this text um yeah we uh eastchester was mostly italian there was a lot but you know what that culture was which was great is middle middle, middle class, man. These, they could save for college education and they could afford a house. They could afford a car. They were protected. They had some job security and it worked. And clearly it didn't hurt the progress of the corporations.

Look where we are now. So anyway, but yeah i mean even down remember caddyshack didn't he do the italian uh caddy like before he jumped in did the dive off the diving board took his last drag of the cigarette threw it away like yeah trust me it was very yeah and of course every movie before that is there a better scene and a comedy it just that scene goes back to like the marx brothers, the pool scene in Caddyshack. And then they start playing the Nutcracker Suite, and they're doing fucking water dancing. Oh, my God.

That was the greatest fucking scene. Ended with a candy bar. Spoiler alert. All right, here we go. Oh, we got a local news story. I love this one. All right, here we go. Oh, we got a local news story.

I love this one. So this week, a court upheld the firing of two LAPD officers who ignored a robbery to play Pokemon Go. I thought I had to look this story up twice because I didn't believe it. It is true. Well, first of all, the fact that cops got fired is so fucking rare. It's almost impossible to fire a cop. Well, one thing is they lied to their captain. So according to the court filing, the two guys ignored a call requesting backup to respond to a robbery at a nearby Macy's,

then set off in pursuit of a Snorlax, and then spent the next 20 minutes driving around to various locations where the creatures were shown on their maps. They were accused of later making false statements about their lack of response to the call and their involvement with Pokemon Go. For example, they said they were only talking about the augmented reality game, which became a worldwide craze for about a year. They were only talking about it rather than actually playing it. So what happened was, very briefly, they were sitting, they parked in an alley. The Macy's, the details were amazing. The Macy's that was being robbed was in eyesight of their car. So the captain saw that on the map and said, are they responding?

And the dispatcher said, they're not responding. And they just flipped their thing to off. So the captain got on. He goes, is your radio on? Can you hear us? There's a robbery at Macy's. And they set off to find the Snorlax for 20 minutes. And you can see it on the map. And so he flipped on. He went back. Sorry, the captain went back and checked their footage to see why their his call wasn't being heeded.

And the guys appealed and countersued. And that's this thing the court upheld because they appealed saying that that was wrong, that their boss spied on them and looked at the cameras that were observing them during this. Right. Can you believe the balls on these two guys? It's unbelievable. I think maybe this could be a solution to a problem. Why don't we give cops points, like make it a game, make their job a game, like Pokemon Go. They make a clean arrest, they get points.

They get extra points for not having a shit attitude when somebody asks where the fucking, sorry, where the Uber is. And, you know, you get points for, it all gets calculated on their body camera. And at the end of the month, the cop with the most points gets 10 minutes in the evidence room. Like one of those supermarket sweep games. 10 minutes in the evidence room. Whatever you can carry out. I love it. Meanwhile, this is 2017.

And I think it was down near Crenshaw. Probably the population of Crenshaw is like, let them play, please. Yeah, right. That afternoon, a lot less black people got roughed up or shot right right let them play please let them go try to find that snorlax in a related story oh tiktok creator rory teasley has died i saw the headline and i thought that meant he created tiktok and i was like i thought that was chinese but they mean he's like a content provider oh i see yeah i thought it was the creator also i'm like that's not a very asian name so he died no he's a black dude from detroit and police say his boyfriend of 10 years strangled him during a fight about a video

why are you laughing during that headline i think, how can it get worse? Authorities were called by Teasley's boyfriend, Doquan Jovo Watkins, who called 911 and said that he and Teasley had fought. I wonder if he was Teasley-ing him. Watkins told officers that Teasley was, quote, sleeping on the couch. They found Teasley unconscious and not breathing. The fight started while the two were playing the video game Overwatch, which is a multiplayer shooter game. Authorities said that during the fight, Watkins choked Teasley to death.

I don't mean to laugh. Police did not immediately respond because they were playing Pokemon Go. Exactly. This is a video game quagmire. Yeah, everything is, the funeral is going to be done on Instagram Live. The guy will be on Grindr by then. Never play a video game with a guy in the same room. Follow the rules.

You should be in your underwear with the headset on about three or four states apart and just get racist in the comment section. Come on, that's the American way. Right, if your mom's not yelling at you from upstairs you're not playing right oh my god he's strangling him to death uh he's too bad i mean they they always question whether these games you know promote violence and obviously in this in this case uh maybe if they'd been playing minecraft they would have

instead of killing him, he would have created a cool gay town. Most surprising thing is he didn't shoot him to death. He's asleep. It was called a sleeper hold. So obviously he's asleep, guys. Yeah.

Hold on. Watkins told Officer Tese he was sleeping. So, wait a minute. Why are you calling 911 about your roommate sleeping? 911, yeah, yeah. I just want to say my roommate's sleeping on the couch. Yeah. Okay.

Are we supposed to get in? Maybe it's a deep sleep. It's a deep sleep. It's weird. He usually snores. Not snoring today. I'd feel better if you checked on him. He normally doesn't sleep on the couch. He always sleeps in bed.

I can't wake him up. What a coincidence. He's dead. I think he just wanted to cart the fucking body out of there. That is. It's kind of like getting rid of basically garbage on Craigslist. You put it in the free column. People come pick it up. It's like you call 911. What am I going to do with this body?

Right, right. It's Detroit. Entertainment. All righty. All right. So I also watched the Wes Anderson. You watched the Wes Anderson movie, right? French Dispatch?

Yeah. Yeah, my DVD player, because I got a screener, I had to find my DVD player. It exploded from adorableness, so I couldn't watch the rest of it. I didn't watch the whole thing. Aw. Yeah.

It is adorable. I mean, I like it. He does interesting cinematography. He'll take a guy with a red shirt and put him in front of a red wall. That's fine. It's adorable. Yeah, it's adorable. It's fun. But I made the story. I literally gave up on it. Aaron before we watched it and that movie you can't be high and watch that movie because it's like being high to watch it it's so it's so out there and I didn't realize it was like three three parts that were semi-related but on there it was it was too trippy it was crazy and I love Wes Anderson but I feel like I feel like this was a movie that was made for film students. Yeah, and precious millennials. I did not get high because I have only really liked one Wes Anderson movie. I mean, I liked, what was it called, The Royal Tenenbaums? Yeah.

But basically the same problem. You have these great characters and so that's what, you know, but the one that everyone, he did Rushmore. Oh, I like Bottle Rocket, right? He did Bottle Rocket, I believe. I really liked Bottle Rocket when it came out and I should

revisit it. But I did not like Rushmore and it's I've been basically like so like so yelled at in writer's rooms. And so I went back and I'm like, let me give this the most sober, dedicated, honest viewing. And I mean, Oh, it's okay. Maybe it's, it's, it's just shy shy of good. Maybe it's good. It is not great, though, and apparently I'm the only one in this town

that feels that way. No, it is great. The movies are great. They're smart. They are cute, but they get you through the fact that it is all about loneliness. Every one of the movies is about loneliness.

The characters get disenfranchised. They run away. They get estranged. And so there has to be this warmth underneath to get you through these themes. But the writing, the dialogue is really smart and interesting and quotable. And I, I think, I think these guys are brilliant. I think part of why I didn't relate to Rushmore is, uh, I wasn't lonely in high school and I was a bully. So where's the movie for me? Where's the movie for me? I was in the popular crowd. Yeah. I wasn't lonely and I would beat up nerds like that. So, um, I want my movie revenge of the jocks. When is it coming out?

Do you think, do you think the pendulum is going to swing back and nerds will become nerds again? Well, well, nerds are the new bullies. I mean, you know, I've said this for years, like, you know, my big, uh, overreaching, uh, philosophy is, you know, nerds way back. It was like if I was bigger than you, I would take your wife if I could. Or I take your cave or I take your food. Right. Because I could.

And then nerds are whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not how society is going to progress. We need we need rules, guys. We need regulation. Now, fast forward to the nerds dominating everything and then uh the government like whoa you've got like super billions and you're crushing unions and you're crushing all these uh sort of the strong guys on your assembly line we need regulation and the nerds are like fuck regulation man yeah right right fuck that i'm i'm alpha now. Fuck your regulation. They're like the Vanderbilts and the Rockefellers. They're like the original oil barons. And it's not clubs. It's laws. It's pieces of paper.

That's what it is. It's the pen. And we have not benefited. That's the thing. People talk about progress. There's no progress with these apps. I went to get on Uber coming back from San Francisco. Oh, Uber's done. Uber, we get to the airport, and you've got to take a shuttle. You've got to order it. Then you've got to take a shuttle.

It used to be you stood on the curb, and a cab picked you up and took you somewhere. And they ran all the cabs out of business by having lower fares, and then we got addicted to it. The cabs go out of business and now Uber jacks up its rates. I got to take a shuttle bus to get to the car and it's, it's garbage. Cabs are back by the way. I don't know. So I, I just took a cab. I went on Lyft and Uber, Uber from LAX to my house, which is I think seven miles, uh, 62 bucks on Uber, the cheapest Uber, not Uber pool though. The cheapest Uber where I'm alone, Uber X, right? So I'm on Uber X and I mean, I did every trick. I reset it, reset it, reset it because I'm on a shuttle. I had time. I have to go out to this goddamn area. I did it so many times. The lowest price I got was $61.

Took a cab, $22. Yeah, no, it's a joke. It's a joke. And the drivers are not, when they do those spikes, whatever they call it, when it's extra, what do they call it? Surge. When they do a surge, the driver doesn't get that money. I've talked to the drivers. They get a very small amount of that money i've talked to the drivers they get a

very small amount of that money it's all going into uber's pockets meanwhile the drivers are not given health insurance their cars are they got to take care of their cars themselves it's a complete joke they've stripped workers of any dignity the riders get a worse experience and we're paying more than we were with taxis. It's over. They got so, of course, it's just greed. They got so selfish. But it's like Amazon, the lender of the game, making no money. It's the old, you know, big bookstore versus little bookstore.

They'll lose money until the little guys are out of business, and then they're going to catch up. All right, speaking of big money, let's go to international. Oh, hold on. Oh, shit, where's my toilet paper? That's the toilet paper wrapper, by the way. It is not the toilet paper because that does not sound soft. Okay, international. Okay, Prince Charles, everybody's favorite.

I don't know this story. You put this story in this morning. Let's do it. Prince Charles' extensive royal routine has been revealed by a former royal butler who has given a breakdown of his unusual requests. Quote, his pajamas are pressed every morning, his shoelaces are pressed flat with an iron, the bath plug has to be in a certain position and the water temperature has to be just tepid i want this he

has his valet squeeze one inch of toothpaste onto his toothbrush every morning he has two men to help him get dressed in the morning on one occasion he rang from rang me from his library and he said oh paul a letter from the queen seems to have fallen into my waste paper basket would you pick it out i had to bend down into the paper bin and pick out the letter and put it back on his desk paul asked charles would that be all your highness to which the prince charles replied yes thank you very much yes why are you describing your shit you got a great great fucking job. No shit. You are in the royal palace. You're probably being paid a shitload of money for a job with a lot of security. And that's

what you do. You put an inch of toothpaste on the princess toothbrush. What else? Is there another duty you should be doing for the 100 000 pounds you're earning a year whatever they fucking pay you oh my god but and by the way your predecessor maybe like three three sort of royal generations ago was wiping the king's ass that's right if i was the king you'd be wiping my ass if i had two guys helping me get dressed in the morning i'd be like hey charlie let's grab some of that bamboo toilet paper let's head into the john oh you or just dip your hand in that giant vat of lube you know the drill dude i would have that guy doing everything he would chew my food for me you kidding me

what's his other choice what are you gonna work in a coal mine or be a chimney sweep no i know and also pick a pocket or two who is this guy is he gonna be killed like i who is this guy oh you're not allowed to talk about this stuff did megan mar did megan uh have this guy turn on the royal family like she did i can't wait for chris denman to fucking turn us out one day it's's going to happen. There's going to be a day where he starts a podcast. It's going to be the Monday paper podcast, and he's going to talk about how we treat him before and after we're actually on the air. Speaking of which, this is absolutely real if he's listening.

He is listening. I see his name on the Google Doc. Chris, if you could grab a family circus. I forgot to grab a family circus. I tried to at the beginning. And it's usually on a thing called comicskingdom.com. And it's timing out on me. I can't grab one.

So do that after you clean my balls, please. A Japanese woman is giving up her child and suing her sperm donor after she learned he lied about his ethnicity and educational background the woman was seeking to have a second child decided to find a sperm donor on social media where else the donor she chose claimed he was japanese and a graduate from the prestigious Kyoto University, and they had sex 10 times to get pregnant. I imagine it was a dealer's choice on how she was going to get pregnant on this one. But after getting pregnant in June 2019, the woman discovered that the donor was actually Chinese.

So wait, they had sex 10 times? Yeah. So not like he had sex with a bottle in the next room? Nope. Or whatever that arrangement is. Nope. That's not how they do it in Japan. He passed for Japanese.

Fine. Passed for Japanese. Okay. So he also went to a different university and hid the fact that he was married. Oh. By the time she knew of his true identity, it was too late to abort the baby, He also went to a different university and hid the fact that he was married. By the time she knew of his true identity, it was too late to abort the baby, and she has since given up the child for adoption.

The woman filed a lawsuit against the sperm donor last month for 330 million yen for emotional distress. This baby is a chinese knockoff she knew things were wrong when it came out with a made in japan written on the bottom of its foot she knew the baby was chinese after she breastfed him he was hungry 20 minutes later oh no okay that was bad i didn't need to do that one. But I love that she's suing him for $2.86 million. That's her quote, having sex 10 times. So basically, 280 grand, a screw. That's what she gets.

That's her quote. I think that's a fair... Basically, she's suing because she's racist. That's a fair number, isn't it, for being racist? Right. There is true, true historic bad blood. I mean, really bad between the Chinese and Japanese coming out of World War II. But so, man, it's, I don't, you slept with them 10 times. You didn't have a problem with them then.

Yeah. What do you, what do you think? Like, uh, well, I bet, I bet someone could make an argument that cheating is genetic. Maybe there's like a morality. I wonder if they do have that. Like, because clearly a narcissist, you can be born a narcissist. Yeah. I know, I know they're also made, but I do believe there's an argument to be made that there are traits kind of like you could be born bipolar and things like that. I think narcissism is in the DSM five or whatever, six, whatever we're up to now. Um, I don't know what

I'm talking about, but I wonder if her lawsuit went like a, he's a liar and maybe she could claim that there is some trait that might be other than Chinese that might be passed along. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, I mean, if you're gonna like I remember when I was in college, there was an article about how Harvard students were selling their sperm for a lot of money. But you've got to think, yeah, you've got a Harvard student's sperm, but you've got a Harvard student who's jerking off for $200. You're not getting the top of the crop. No, I think it was even more.

I thought it was less. Oh, I can't remember. Wasn't it 50? Would you have done that back in college? Would you have been a sperm donor if it was a lot of money, if it was like 500 bucks a pop? Yes. It was 500 a week.

It was 10 times. No, no, no. I never did. The only time I ever went to a place and produced a sample was when we were having, I've told you the difficulty getting pregnant. And, uh, and so I went into that place and I told you when I opened the drawer and then I was, then I was horrified that in the drawer, there was also gay porn. I told you that story. Oh, right. And then keep in mind, I am supposed to be maintaining down there. We'll try to keep this as clean as possible. I'm, I'm supposed to be in the mood. And now all I'm thinking about is like, oh my God,

these liars are in here. They're trying to get their wife pregnant, but they're gay. Like they shouldn't have a baby. Someone should, someone should do something. And meanwhile, this is what I'm thinking about when I'm trying to produce a sample. Of course, completely missing the fact that it's, you know, a gay couple could have their, whatchamacallit, woman helping them out and they have to produce a sample. Yeah, right. So anyway, but the gay porn got me there. So whatever works, works. Let's do some sports, Mike Gibbons.

Okay, here it is. Hold on. Sports page is down here. Okay. Well, you are in the red. I think for the second time since this bet started with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They lost.

They played the Panthers like a few weeks apart, and they beat them both times, but I think this time by a bigger margin. So you're down $30. All right. I mean, I don't know how to do a double or nothing because we don't know if it's the last game of the season. No, there's one more.

They're playing – oh, no, I guess it's the playoffs at this point. They're playing Philly, and they're giving seven and a half points this week. Does it – I haven't thought it through, even though I'm smarter. Does it make sense to go double or nothing, and if they win we go to double or nothing the next week and we just keep doing that? Is that insane? You would like that.

Yeah, I don't really care. What are you saying? So instead of 50, we bet 100 a game? Or you're saying double what you owe me? So it's 30 now. I would owe you 60, or we'd be even after this. That doesn't really work out that well for me. Let's keep it at 50, and then when we get to the Super Bowl

and the Buccaneers are in it, we'll double the bet. I do better if we just bet 50 this week than double or nothing. Yes. All right, great. 50 bucks this week. We had a story about Djokovic, and I thought Chris Denman was going to put in some information. He put one sentence.

So we'll follow this up next week, Chris Denman was going to put in some information. He put one sentence. So we'll follow this up next week. But this Djokovic odyssey in Australia has been so interesting because they are flip-flopping. He will, we probably have some of this wrong. I believe he did not reveal if he was vaccinated. But you can get a visa and there are exceptions. And he claimed to meet one of those exceptions. Then they found out he didn't. So they revoked his visa. He cannot play in the tournament. Then it was back. Chris just said as of 30 minutes ago, and this is Friday morning,

a second cancellation of the visa has been put in place and he may not get to play. So I'm going to bet that money wins out in this Western civilization and that they will find a way for Djokovic to play in this tournament. I don't think so. I think it's become political. I think the prime minister of Australia, I believe, said that she wants him out. I know, but then those people, kind of like the CDC, they get a talking to, like the famous scene in Network, which is you realize government isn't political. Government is Nabisco. And you are in service of corporations.

All right, let's put some money on it. I'm going to guess they do not let him play. You're going to guess they do. Chris just said there have been close to 20 changes and updates on this story since November, and I think also on his status. So I'm going to bet that money wins out because the tournament is worth so much more and the viewership for TV rights globally if Djokovic plays.

All right. And also, he's pretty close to winning the most Grand Slams. He needs it badly. He needs it badly. So let's bet $30, since that's what you owe me right now, on whether or not he plays next week. All right, so we have $50 on the game, $30 on this. Got it.

Let's do some science. Ooh. All right, this is just a little small headline that made me pause. All right, this is just a little small headline that made me pause. And the headline was, China has built an artificial moon that simulates low gravity conditions on Earth. That's all. That's it. That's it. That's it.

You know, normally it's like other China products. Like, that's where my iPhone's made. This is where my moon is now made. Yeah, right. All right. It is said to be the first. I imagine it's the first of its kind. I don't think so.

We built one in 1969. You can watch all the fake videos on YouTube. Kubrick's amazing. And it could play a key role in the country's first, sorry, in the country's future lunar missions. And also the landscape is supported by a magnetic field and was inspired by experiments to levitate a frog. China, what are you up to?

I don't think you need to levitate frogs. That's the one thing they do really well on their own. I think they increased its hang time. I think that was the whole experiment. Like Froggy went to jump in and he stayed up for a long time. Yeah, if you want to levitate, levitate a snail or a turtle. That would impress me. Is it no longer romantic to, like, look out point,

and you look up at that China moon and throw a move on the lady? Hey, it's full again. Yeah. Yeah. It's full again. There's tons of jokes here that I have not written, but about like they could only afford a half moon at this point, but they're hoping to get, you know, like that's all you're going to see on this Chinese moon. Yeah. I don't even know what this article means i i didn't even really read it i grabbed the two first bullet points which were interesting and the headline is no less than fascinating well it's about time somebody built a zero gravity simulation because they do so many experiments in space because they need the zero gravity to do them i guess they can do them here now no i think this is simulating you you know, we have pretty low gravity.

Like, you know, we, with all our might, we can jump a foot off the ground or something. Like, I think that's what it's saying. It's almost replicating what the moon is doing, which, of course, affects tides and all that stuff. Yeah. Huh. Gravity is pretty crazy here. Like, you can throw a ball as hard as you want. That thing is on Earth really soon again yep um

now it's pretty you know what's amazing about gravity is that like you can do a handstand you can turn your body upside down and all of the organs and the veins and the liquid is upside down and it still works like it's okay to do that for long periods of time. That always freaks me out. In some ways we're incredible animals, but in others, like the amount we have to eat is stupid. Yeah.

It's so stupid. I can't go seven hours, you know, without like all of a sudden some capacities being diminished. Yeah. Which they factually are or even i can't go two days without sleeping that's crazy yeah i know we're so we're so high maintenance engineers from yale university they're wicked smart have developed a wearable device that can

help individuals assess whether they have been exposed to COVID-19. The cheap device can clip onto a person's clothes and capture aerosols, aerosolize viral particles in the surrounding environments. Huh. Huh. I, um, this kind of shit, I need a clip on lie detector, not a COVID detector. What if you could have a lie detector on your person that buzzed in your pocket when somebody was lying? Well, this will be that, by the way. You saw that article about the woman like, shh, we're on the plane.

We have COVID, but there was no way we were going to stay in wherever we were. So we're going home. So in that way, it is going to be a lie. A lot of people lie about their exposure. But I like this concept though. When we were dropping off JoJo, Erin got a notice on her phone and she doesn't know where from that told her that she had been exposed to COVID-19 and that she needed to quarantine because of it. That somebody was detected who reported having it,

and they traced her phone as being next to the phone of that person. Poor Greg doesn't realize he just found out his wife's cheating on him. Oh, yeah, not COVID crabs. I meant crabs. Yeah, I mean, you could stick to your word exposed but rolling around the sack for an hour yeah that's exposure yeah um and then the other so that happens and then we go back to the airbnb we're staying in and we get a text from the airbnb owner asking us why the heat is on 81 degrees, which it was because JoJo's a fucking idiot and she turned the heat up to 81 degrees because she was cold.

But come on. He's monitoring our... Which made me immediately think, there's cameras in this Airbnb. Why are you wearing that shirt? That's the next text. Right, right, right. Yeah. No sex on the couch, assholes.

Yeah. Please not reverse cowgirl on my couch. Yeah, right. Greg, why are you using so much lube? That's too much lube. It's the nanny cam. Oh, my God. No, the smart houses tell them so much information.

Now, the smart appliances, they'll know when you're cooking. They'll know when you've left the oven on. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And also they can control it. He could have turned it down, by the way, if he wanted. Yes. I noticed that also, that it said when we were going to bed that the heat will go down in two hours.

And we didn't program it. He did. Yep, absolutely. It was crazy. Let's do some business. You got it. Here it comes. Tesla has a new problem.

A teen hacker claims the ability to control 25 Teslas worldwide. A 19-year-old security researcher claims to have hacked remotely into more than 25 Tesla cars in 13 countries. He says the software flaw allows him to unlock doors and windows, start the cars without keys, disable their security systems, allow

him to see if a driver is present in the car, and to turn on the vehicle's stereo and sound system. All remotely, and sometimes while the person's driving. I love it. Finally, a way we can get Sunday Papers into more people's ears. Welcome to our new sponsor, this nerd who hacked into these things. Everyone's going to be listening to the Sunday Paper podcast right now.

It just went on in your Tesla. Don't question it. It's out of your control. Enjoy it until he drives you into a busy intersection in 15 minutes. Exactly. Because it would be cool. What are we doing next? Let's do this day in history.

You got it so on january 16th 1919 the 18th amendment and the u.s constitution prohibiting the manufacture sale or transportation of intoxicating liquors for beverage purposes is ratified. Big mistake. Prohibition. So it was caused by the temperance societies, and these groups had become very powerful. Nine months after Prohibition's ratification, Congress passed the Volstead Act, or National Prohibition Act, over Woodrow Wilson's veto.

Oh, how can that happen? Which enforced the pro. Well, you can override a veto. It goes back to the Senate and then they have to ratify it by a certain number. I actually didn't know that. Yeah. So. But imagine, you know, the older I get, maybe not the worst idea.

Like, for instance, if you and I heard right now, like a country, right. A modern wealthy country, uh, outlawed, there's no one in that country is going to drink anymore. I'd be pretty scared. Wouldn't you be like, uh, I'd invest in that country. Like, you know, is're going to become incredibly productive. Yeah. Now, there's the backfire, of course, of all the bootlegging. And maybe they actually it goes the other way. And all of a sudden they have huge problems and disruptions and societal upheaval.

OK, but imagine if a country wanted to do this, kind of like getting sober. I mean, a sober country? I think Saudi Arabia is a sober country. I think all the wealthy and the rich drink in Saudi Arabia. Well, that's what it is with these laws. All you're doing is regulating poor people. I mean, you talk about getting abortions. You know, if you're in Texas and you're rich, you go to the next state and you get an abortion. If you're poor, you don't you can't get the abortion.

So I'm sure it's even easier than that in Texas. If you're wealthy, you have a private doctor. Right. Right. But, you know, Saudi Arabia, it's like, oh, my God, of course. No, you can't do all this stuff. And they're flying in Instagram models like 12 at a time for sex parties. It is weird, though, that pot is still illegal in some states and liquor is legal because you just on paper crunch the numbers and you look at the amount of deaths from alcohol, the amount of domestic violence, the amount of missed work and productivity, how much alcohol affects our gross national product. It's insane. There is no comparison that pot is less dangerous. Wyoming, I was just there. Pot is still illegal. And then Jack reminded that they're holding on to the top spot. They're they're also not only is Teton County, by

many measures, the wealthiest county in the United States. Chaney and all those guys there because they don't pay taxes. But last week it was 642 new cases. They're number one per capita in COVID. Teton County. See, if they were smoking pot, they wouldn't be catching COVID.

So, those are just some stats on wyoming but it's conservative kind of state which also is reflected in the covid and the wealth numbers and um so they're not allowing pot yet i don't know if they're close or not all right let's do some letters to the editor oh shit i didn't realize what time it is oh shit all right oh dude i think i gotta go all right we're gonna cut it off or wait should i finish without you i love that idea well that's our new thing every week okay well i'll finish without you for a guy who got smarter boy i didn't see this noon i have a pitch at noon on this computer on this zoom program pitch it up

good luck my friend let me see if it's been canceled sell this son of a bitch just to hbo yikers bye see ya all right this is a new this is a first i'm gonna finish out sunday papers on my own and uh it's to be so much better. That fucking dead weight of Gibbons with his stupid punchlines. Letters to the editor. Emilio said, please don't stop cussing or talking about jerking off. That's the funniest part of the show.

That guy was a moron. David Cholden says, the guy complaining about jerking off is a jerk off. Do not listen to them. Do what is natural to you. If that is talking about jerking off, a jerk off. Do not listen to them. Do what is natural to you. If that is talking about jerking off, so be it. Love the show. All right. Well, listen, I'm going to, you can see behind me, I'm in a hotel room in Boston. There's going to be some jerking off. Maybe I should just do it and make a statement on Sunday papers. Gibbons is gone. I'm alone. If you're, if you're watching this on YouTube, you can fully take in

the political statement I'm making by masturbating on the podcast. And then I guess we'll do the obituaries. Sunday Papers, only fans. That's what Chris Denman wrote. Obituaries. I'm going to talk about Bob saget a lot on my podcast uh which will come out on tuesday so i don't want to um double down on it too much i'll just say i love this guy he was uh he was a beautiful spirit he was a presence in the comedy world that was felt by not just the biggest names in the business, literally like he was friends with the biggest celebrities, but he also treated somebody who'd been doing comedy for two years like a peer. And he was supportive and he was beautiful. And he will be missed.

And I'm going to actually get on a memorial. There's a memorial Zoom for his friends and family that I'm going to get on in two hours. And then I'll talk about that on the podcast a little bit. And also, we want to say goodbye to Peter Bogdanovich, Robert Durst, and Ronnie Spector. There was a lot of death this week of significant people. And let's do the Sunday funnies. Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle. Rick Oleski said, hey, Greg, you keep calling the redheaded kid in Family Circus Billy. It's actually Jeffy.

It really doesn't matter, except that if you take a second to realize that Jeffy is the second son and Jeff Keen is the son who took over from that asshole Bill Keen which means that Bill skipped his first son and namesake Billy and handed the reins over to his second son so apparently Billy was so inept that he was unable to continue shitting out these awful comic strips or he had the sensibility to go, I'm not doing it. I mean, I was stupid enough to go into the family business. My father was in radio, and now I'm sitting in a hotel room doing radio.

He at least had a goddamn studio. Maybe I should have learned something. Let's do Hager. Hager and his buddy are um walking onto an island from the ocean and he says how does it feel to make landfall on an uncharted island paradise and then they come up and there's a guy at a booth uh with a lay around his neck smiling smiling. And it says, souvenirs, maps, tours, and virgin sacrifices. And his friend says, I wouldn't know. So the joke is here that they're taking teenage girls

that have never been made love to and killing them. That's what you're reading about when you're a child. Picking up the Sunday papers is a couple of guys that are going to go watch teenagers get killed because they're virgins. All right, I hope this is going well. Now I'm self-conscious that Mike's not on the podcast with me. I feel lonely. I feel like somebody in a Wes Anderson movie right now. On the Lockhorns, Leroy is sitting there with an attorney and his wife, Loretta. And he says, if we declare bankruptcy, does that mean we don't have to pay your fee?

Wrong, Leroy. And then Leroy says, they're sitting at a restaurant with their menus and leroy says to loretta don't order anything with accent marks i should say that to my kids they're always ordering fucking steak and lobster when we go to restaurants they don't understand We're on a budget. This is Chris Denman has found a family circus and put it in. It's Billy or Jeffy, I don't know which it is, talking to the girl. And then she says to him, she used to be daddy's sister, but now she's our aunt well that's cubism that's the uh the study of one

object from different perspectives at the same time this is picasso-esque comedy writing it's very interesting it's sublime uh and now finally let's get to blondie um blondie is in a dressing room at a store dagwood is sitting on a chair like he's the fucking lord of the manor while while blondie shows her wares let me tell you something if you have ever not watched the show on youtube watch it now because you can see how smoking hot blondie is in this this, what would you call that color? It's like an orange red, and it works so well with her yellow hair. And she's standing there with a full bosom. It's low cut.

It's above the knee. It hugs her waist. And she goes, what do you think, dear? Chris Denman's calling it coral and dagwood says fabulous i love it and then she goes here's the price yes or no and he looks at the price and his hair shoots straight up and she goes that might be a no no no dagwood that's not a no you get that fucking dress for that lady that belongs on on her, and you belong in a better job. You need to start working and stop napping

and start showing up and being a fucking man that she deserves, you piece of shit. She should have to put this dress back because you got to eat three sandwiches at lunch and then go to sleep at your desk? No. Step it up, asshole. All right, that's it. I hope we didn't peter out. I feel like we petered out without Gibbons. God damn it. I thought I could handle the end of this, but I don't know if I really did.

And I apologize to you people if I did, but I think my caffeine ran out just as he left, but hopefully you enjoyed the first part of the podcast. Anyway, we're going to leave you with, I guess, just the message. We love you, Bob Saget. We'll miss you. And for anybody that cared about him, there's a lot of great clips of him on YouTube. And that's it. We'll talk about it more on

FitzDawg Radio this week. Okay, thanks to Midcoast Media, everybody that makes the show possible, Key, Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, you do a great job. And we'll catch you guys next week. Take it eesh! It's not Monday It's not Tuesday It's not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday It's Sunday Papers Motherfuckers