Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 98 1/23/22

Episode Date: January 23, 2022

The Anne Frank narc is finally busted, a driverless Tesla takes some people out, and a review of Louie CK’s new special. Chinese officials are Covid-testing with anal swabs and we mark the passing of the greats Louie Anderson and Meat Loaf.

Bottle of Greg, Bottle of Mike Whatever kind of bottle you're in the mood for tonight We'll take you any place you can pay for Here at Sunday Papers Scream and shout and read all about it Phone's in. You just froze. New ideas. Always welcome.

I froze? I think it's you. No? Well, it's you. No? Well, it's the first time it's happened, so hopefully it won't happen again. All right. Am I unfrozen? You're unfrozen. I have a new idea. Before I put in my headphones, why don't you scream so I don't hear it as loudly?

Read all about it! Thank God. Read all about it. Live from the Pacific Northwest and Santa Monica. It's the Sunday Papers. How's Portland, my man? Portland, baby. What a city.

What a city of bridges. The weather is just shit. It's just cold and it's dank and it's like this all the time. Did you go out for breakfast? I did.

I went out to, there's a kind of a soul food place right up the street and I got grits with shrimp in it for breakfast. Jesus. Threw an egg on top of it. Yeah. Shrimp. You had shrimp for breakfast. Yep.

That's not a, that's, I would have, that would have been very far down my guesses of what you had for breakfast, especially in a town that has a pancake restaurant. Oh, I've heard about that. Yeah. I think I've heard about that. Okay. Why don't you and I steal that idea? Do you know the cost of pancake batter? So little. So apparent from what I hear, and I might have this

wrong, you go to a place and it's a grill, kind of like the Korean restaurants where you cook yourself, right? And then they have the big, like, it's almost like, you know, the big ketchup bottles, you know, in restaurants that you can squirt you turn it upside down squeeze it squirt it a squeeze bottle the squeeze bottle thank you very much with different pancake batters in it nice you make your own pancake so not only do we sit back and basically put flour with water or milk and then just just retire but we make these fuckers cook it themselves and we make america fat let's plump up america a little bit i swear to god i i might not be the best business model for los angeles i am not a great cook but the one thing i do really well and you know this is i make pancakes it used to be waffles I used to make waffles in my house yeah when we first moved to LA we had friends all over the city and I was told

if you don't make an effort you won't see your friends so as soon as we moved out we had gotten two waffle makers for our wedding and so we started having waffle sundaes and every every sunday and you were a part of it oh we have a whole gang of people would come over and it was like, it was like a Lisa line gang and Matt and Cass, Zach Galifianakis and Nick Swartzen would come over. Oh, total. Nobody's Galifianakis and Swartzen. I mean, the Sklars would be there.

Yep. All new. I mean, the Sklars would be there. Yep. All new. You know what was cool about it was I would run into people, comedians from your world, who just moved to L.A. Yeah. All of a sudden they're like, oh, you got to do the Sunday thing at Fitzsimmons. And then I started making pancakes, and I just have done a lot of research on how to make protein pancakes

so that you don't crash. So we're saying about pancakes is the massive crash afterwards. So I stick in. Yeah, it's cake. I stick in cottage cheese, a lot of walnuts, a little bit of yogurt, lots of fruit, little lemon rinds, and it makes a huge difference. Still sounds like a nap. Yeah, it's still a nap.

It's still a nap. It is. You know, you're also peaking with your coffee and other sugar. Right, and it's syrup. You said fruit and all that. The syrup. There's no coming. You need a nap after that.

Yeah. But Portland's good. It's a lot of like, you know, I've been walking on stage and saying, thanks for dressing up, Portland. And they immediately break out laughing. They get it. But Portland's good. It's a lot of like, you know, I've been walking on stage and saying, thanks for dressing up, Portland. And they immediately break out laughing. They get it. They're all wearing like four layers.

There's like the layer they got at the thrift store. There's the layer they got at the Army and Navy. There's the sweatshirt that was left at the vape shop they work at. And everyone's got a backpack. I said, it looks like a city of eighth graders waiting for the school bus. Well, the bottom layer is their layer for the week because they shower on Sundays, I think. Then they change it up on the layers closer to the outside shell. Yeah. Yeah.

And we had my friend Brian Van Horn, who was like my best friend when I was a kid. He came out last night, and that was fun. How did he wind up out there? I texted him. We're in touch. We're still good friends. No, how did he wind up from Tarrytown to Portland? You know, I don't know.

He was a kid who, he's a good argument for what they call the BOCES program in high school. Oh, boy. Which is, it's a program, I forget what it stands for, occupational something. But it's an alternative for kids that don't feel like they're going to go on to college to teach them a skill. And it's motor repair, so they can become mechanics or carpentry or in his case culinary arts and he studied culinary arts at boces and then he went on to have a fucking great career as a chef all these years so he cooks out here at a good restaurant fighter

he and i had a fight in high school. We had a knockdown drag out fist fight at the Terry town lakes. He did win. Not because of who you are. So for those of you who don't know, so when you say Boceys, I even had a visceral, I had a visceral reaction.

I even audibly went like, Ooh, it is such, and this is all on me. But a lot of people are like me. It's such a negative connotation. Right. It's been used as a slander, calling someone a bossy.

Yeah. Because of the comedic use of the word. So here I'm speaking very respectfully. OK, so no one fucking cancel me. so here I'm speaking very respectfully okay so no one fucking cancel me because of the comedic use and the casual use of the word retarded

truly which I which now gives me even as I just said a little shudder when I that word boces is way way I have a way stronger reaction so there was a boces program in our school and and you if you wanted to come up with

the meanest insult like what are you a bosey like you that's what you would say in east chester new york to your friends like uh this this fucking idiots in boses or what you would never say that to the kids in boses right but those kids first of all, of course, we'd be like, don't pick a fight, you know, because they have retard strength. So now I'm just digging myself a hole. But they were so picked on and they had such a, you know, a self-image issue, which which we all caused that they were really fucking tough. You sound like you were kind of a dick, Mike. Well, I told you that's why I didn't like Rushmore, man. I was a bully.

I was in the pop. I was always popular, man. Fucking Rushmore is just this nerd fest. What am I going to celebrate that? No, no, no. Of course. Well, yeah. Well, at recess we play, you know, Smear the Queer. It was just the most politically incorrect. Meanwhile, I was picked on in first grade a while because I wasn't Italian. You know, it's called Grease Chester. It was like all I wanted to be when I would pray at night. I told you this. I would pray at night in grammar school to be shorter and to, uh, be Italian and Tanner.

Yeah. Like that's, and then Rocky came out while I was in grammar school. Forget about it. Yeah. No, Italians were, um,

and the Fonz and happy days, the whole, the Chachi, the whole fucking thing was Italian, Italian, Italian. Yeah, I know.

And I really, I had such pale skin and the and and it we grew up in similar towns there's a lot of italians a lot of irish but a lot of um latinos also in my town so like a lot of people had olive skin and i was the shiniest whitest fucking kid and i hated it and all i and i was skinny all i wanted was to be fat and dark skinned like my friends. Yep. No, I'd be like on bedside praying at night like, why, why doesn't my mom have a mustache?

Yeah. Why doesn't she backhand me when I don't eat all my pasta? Why isn't my dad in a union? So wait, how did this get started? Oh yeah, him. That's the most amazing Boese story now using it. I can't even say it. It trips me up. I have such a reaction to that word. I feel so ashamed of that also. It's terrible. Like, look at that success story. That's an amazing story, this kid. It's amazing.

And another kid who did it ended up, he did engine repair, and he ended up working for a tow company, and then he bought a tow truck. He now has a fleet of tow trucks and pretty much commands most of Westchester with his trucks. He has,

he has trucks to tow other trucks. He he's a, and, and he's the guy who was just a fucking motorhead. He used to fix my car for me when I was a teenager and he was in Boces. Yeah. That's incredible. Especially the culinary thing.

That's amazing. Yeah. So anyway, I'll see him. I'm going to see him today after the podcast. We're going to hang out some more. And what else? What's going on with you?

What have I been missing? Well, Gubbins invited me today in Gubbins News. He invited me today. So last week I watched his beloved san francisco 49ers so they played dallas in a crazy game crazy game down to the last second so yeah i was full disclosure i go listen just so you know i don't really care about either of these teams so i'm going to be rooting like for a close game he seemed to understand that like conceptually but when it came time like all of a sudden i'm like oh like when dallas didn't like like you know in the third quarter he but what the fuck

and he's getting he gets and he all he gets so angry at the refs yeah he apparently can call everything correctly the refs get almost everything wrong uh when it's against his side. And so anyway, he invited me back. Oh, he got really, really angry in the last three minutes of the game. And Mikey and I are there, right? Fitzgibbon. And we're like kind of it's like the what you grew up with, with like, oh, here's the raging dad. Like, I'm afraid, you know, like all of a sudden.

oh, here's the raging dad. Like, I'm afraid, you know, like all of a sudden. And so today he's like, oh, he's like, Niners? Should we do it again or whatever? I'm like, oh, no fucking way. I can't handle the – I go, oh, because I didn't know what he was talking about. No fucking way I can't handle the rages against the poor refs. And then he goes, I guess it's clear you all want Aaron fucking Rogers to win since you're not going to keep the good juju for your bro alive by repeating last week.

Good juju. It was the worst juju ever in that apartment. His dog was afraid. It was terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He is um he's like a different person when it comes to there's dennis gubbins who's like mayor of venice loving guy friendly to everybody sweet high and then you add sports and he becomes a fucking maniac yeah and he really competition for beach volleyball or watching sports yeah but his 49ers and uh and then literally when the game ended and it came down to the last play when the game ended he was like uh that was close you got and then he literally goes that was close and he's like he has his head in his hands and he's like and he was and he was standing for the last five minutes of the game. That was close.

He's like, you guys can stay. Because there was a game right after it. And our total assumption was we were staying for that. And that was not the case. If the last play had gone a different way, we were out of there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's exciting i mean the rams playing the tampa bay buccaneers is fucking huge tomorrow i think the rams are giving three points is that the spread right now we'll check it at game time but the only good news last week, goddamn Brady, is that I hate Philadelphia. So they trounced them. But it was never even close. It was such a slaughter. I got a bad feeling about this. The Rams looked so fucking good last week. But at the same time, Brady in the playoffs is formidable.

He's a tough guy to play in the playoffs. And it's in Tampa, right? It's in Tampa. Right. All right, so last week's podcast. Here's the thing. I admitted to you right before we started. I can't believe I haven't gone back and listened to

I Had to Leave Early last week, and you finished the podcast solo. Yeah, solo. It was a lot of pressure. And I haven't even tuned in. I got to hear it. Yeah. I heard it went well.

You don't have to listen to it. I didn't say anything about you. That's not why I listen. I handled Family Circus, and I got to tell you, being in your shoes for Family Circus, it really is hard. You get stultified. You get stumped. You don't know what to do with it.

Let's switch it this week. You want me to do Blondie? All right, you do Blondie, and I'll do Family Circus. All right, sounds good. Little tease. Our song this week comes from Jamie Sly. Nice. And I should say, we don't allow, we can't allow, song parodies

because they get flagged by YouTube and then they take whatever revenue we made on the show, they take it away. But this one is so loosely a Billy Joel song that I don't think that they, no, I just mean his interpretation wasn't literal. And so we kind of let it slide because we liked it. Lawrence Tarpey did this week's uh graphic very cool us as muscle heads i like it a lot look at me look at those look at those

shoulders if you could change your body with that guy would you do it no no that guy yeah that's grotesque that looks like i wouldn't even want my arm to look like that guy's i wouldn't even want my leg to look like that guy's arm yeah yours is a little better yeah i would take that guy uh especially i go back and fight brian van horn again in 10th grade good luck fighting a bossy so uh uh death is i is everywhere. No. And I'm not talking about the pandemic. Yeah. People are dying left and right. We're doing two obituaries later. Sadly, we have two to do because they're close to home. And, uh, man, it's just, uh, you know, I kind of always said this, but I didn't really wrap my mind around it.

You know, I've said, you know, everyone's like, oh, it comes in threes, you know, whatever it is. Like, you know, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, you know, whatever it comes. The deaths come in threes, but it's going to be coming in 13s and then 30s because fame didn't really happen until like the 50s and 60s. Right. You know, like pop culture fame. Oh, you mean there's just so many more celebrities now. Because fame didn't really happen until like the 50s and 60s. Right. You know, like pop culture fame. Oh, you mean there's just so many more celebrities now. So I looked it up.

All right. If you're born in 1945, the life expectancy was 72 years old. Now, I know we'll probably get letters from people who know more about this than I do. But there's also like once you live to five years old, already it's past the life expectancy has increased past 72. And if you live to 20, then it's really blah, blah, blah. But that doesn't take into consideration if you do drugs and you drink like most celebrities and people who are in the entertainment world. It's a very yes, of course, it's not digging ditches, but it's a mentally stressful time and creatives tend to not handle stress as well as other people. And it's far from a

consistent, reliable life that one leads when they're in front of the camera or the microphone or something. So anyway, you know, Paul McCartney turns 80 in June. So this generation, like anyone we like that whole British invasion and all of their peers are, you know, north of 75 now. And I just think every week beginning about now, uh, it's going to be really, I don't know, there's going to be a nostalgic element to it, but it's going to be, it's going to be rough, man. And I think you have to avoid getting into death fetish, you know, where like, I always feel mixed about like when somebody dies, like for instance, Saget died and then you know

you post a selfie as a way of I don't know I mean sometimes I wonder why is everybody posting a selfie is to say

oh I knew this guy or is it to generally say I miss this guy and here's a nice moment I want to share and some people give you shit about it I always re-release like i have uh i have

probably eight or nine uh podcasts of bob saget i posted one and then i also posted one of louis anderson a podcast i did with him and i feel like people enjoy that because it's like hanging out with that person one more time and i i listen to listened to them and I enjoy that. Oh yeah. I forgot we had these really nice moments together and that really warms my heart to hear it again. Totally. But I don't know. I mean, it's almost like I talked to my mom and like, she's like, all my friends are dead. Like so many of her friends have died yeah and you know you get to that age and you realize like we're going to deal with hundreds of significant deaths in our life how do you want to psychologically process it it's up to you you can have your own mode of doing it and it can be conscious you can

do conscious uncoupling as uh Gwyneth Paltrow would say like there's a way to do it that it doesn't send you into a funk every time I don't know she has a candle that smells like a vagina is that a funk it smells a little funky definition of funk smells a little funky in that house yeah um yeah well you know one way you can deal with it and this will sound like i'm completely insane but you could think it's all part of a big plan and that we're going to go to heaven or something like that you fucking morons um so, talk about a disconnect. Uh, no, it's crazy. It's, it's, I don't know. It's, um, it's going to start. And I think we should, uh, we should ask the listeners again, cause I don't think we ever got traction on this. The debts that will have the biggest

impact on the world. I think the queen, and by the way, I'm not talking about even a positive reaction. I'm talking about the biggest impact. I think the queen, and of course, listen, I'm an American, so it's totally skewed. I have no idea if Brazil gives a shit about the queen, but the queen, I think, is a big one.

Who's the biggest actor? What actor will make the biggest impact when he or she dies? Okay, this is the thing. Early deaths or premature deaths, meaning like if Tom Hanks died, I think that's a little early. And I think that would be, it's kind of like Prince dying. You know what I mean? Right.

It's not the same as little Richard dying, you know, like in terms of that age thing like bob dylan has you know has outlived all most of his fans quite honestly and so yeah bob dylan's death will will of course be huge but man if he had died even 20 years ago it would have been way way way way way bigger same with muhammad ali i think mick jagger's gonna be huge mccartney's number two in my book behind the queen yeah i mean maybe even ah maybe even above the queen yeah i mean we've said this before like russia will be so fucking bummed when paul mccartney dies like he just was in every almost every culture

right back in the ussr well i mean that's very literal but i'm talking about the philippines everywhere is going to be so bummed when mccartney dies right right um so anyway i wonder who else though like i remember they used to have that gauge of the most and you know way before the internet of like like i remember muhammad ali passed like um i don't know if it was jfk or i don't know who it was but as the most recognized face on the planet did he die even been gone muhammad ali alive no no he died oh yeah i love that guy um yeah but like he was the most popular face on the planet right um then you get weird ones like then you get like an alex trebek death and you and it's like wow where the fuck did that come from people lost their shit it was like such a big deal he was a game show host, you know?

I was the doorman at the Bull and Finch Tavern, which is commonly known as Cheers in Boston, and I think it's not too soon now to say this. We had to throw him out. No. He, at one point in his life, I don't know if he was still drinking at the end of his life,

he was kind of a he liked to drink. How about this? All of still drinking at the end of his life. He was kind of a, he liked to drink. How about this? All of this is under the umbrella of allegedly. He allegedly liked to drink. He allegedly got a little nasty when he drank. Was he racist when he drank? I guess if allegedly we could say anything.

No, I do not know anything about being racist. All right. But his pronunciation, boy, really nailed it every time. Yeah. Yeah. Even when he was drunk. Yeah. Adios, fuck faces.

I've been thrown out of better places than this. You know French. How would you say like good night goodbye or good riddance i want to scream in french get your fucking hands off of me but i don't know how to do that um corrections alex edmonds says shallow howl is the movie you were thinking of that came out at the same time as Stuck on You. Jack Black gets hypnotized by Tony Robbins into only seeing a person's inner beauty. Do you remember how much shit that movie got?

Because it was making a big deal out of the fact that this fat girl could actually be cared about by somebody? Yeah, why wasn't her inner beauty obese also? Is that your point? Right. Yeah, exactly. Well, I guess they defended it.

It was, that was his idealized thing and that he was a faulted character. But yeah, uh, I don't think, uh, large people enjoy that movie. Uh,

although they enjoyed the popcorn while they were eating it. JJ says, are you looking for the shaggy song Boombastic? The spelling is off with the wordplay, but it sounds like he's saying bombastic. Yes, that's what I was looking for. Oh, really? You knew you were trying to reference that song? Yep.

Wow. Okay. Shaggy. All right. And then Chris Denman is now writing. I typed that 57 times. Oh, sorry, Chris. You probably typed it 57 times about nine minutes later. That's why. Oh boy. He's got all the speed of a fucking cripple. cripple bozies you have a bozie I wish they had taught him typing in bozies he's still typing it he's literally still

typing this message it's almost like he has a stammer with typing I said that he types with two fingers and they're not his Gary Van Essin said I said that. He types with two fingers and they're not his. Gary Van Essen said, in today's episode, Greg shows that watching Schoolhouse Rock

paid off by understanding how a bill becomes a law if vetoed, but confuses Australia's prime minister with New Zealand's. I guess I said the wrong prime minister. Okay. Yeah. New Zealand's a country? as prime minister with new zealand so i guess i said the wrong prime minister okay yeah um dates coming up country i got a few more dates coming up i'd love for you guys to come out the portland shows it's crazy i didn't think anyone would come out because we are literally at the height of omicron but uh packed packed shows in port. Got shows coming up in Syracuse at the Funny Bone, January 28th and 29th.

Lexington, Kentucky on January 24th through the 26th. In Omaha at The Waiting Room, one show. It's a very cool rock club. February 27th, Ross Broccoli. Ross Broccoli will be opening for me. Come on. Yep. When was the last time he performed it's been it's been a

little while because apparently he got in a riff he lives in lincoln nebraska and he got in a rift with the guy who runs the only room in lincoln because he doesn't like running in 1998 when no he you know he goes up he goes up the problem is his politics his politics are crazy. He's a full-blown conspiracy theorist. And so I think he rubs some people in. Lincoln's a very liberal town. I think he runs them the wrong way. He's also one of the funniest comedians I've ever seen. He's like an ingenue.

Is there any way to see his... I had no idea he was still even in entertainment. I know you can search Ross Broccoli, B-R-O-C-K-L-E-Y online and you can find him. Some of our listeners will know him from years ago

like 15. There was a very funny, was it Holiday Inn? Holiday Inn. very funny ad campaign by holiday in with a son who was moved back home with his parents and he has messed up hair and he'd be like uh you know where's the free breakfast like he would he would expect basically it was a holiday and was better than moving back in with your parents was that the conceit yeah and he'd be like uh uh where's the free fax machine and then they'd say what do you think this is a holiday in right right right yeah and so he did the commercials and he's he's a fucking he was doing a lot of drugs at the time and he used to wash his hair he used to jerk off and then rub it

in his hair because he thought it made it look good. That's not true, is it? Yeah. Yeah. And he was a lunatic. He was an artist also. Great artist. I don't think Holiday Inn would want that to get out. All right, go ahead.

And he would show up on set and they'd have a wardrobe for him. And he'd be wearing like some torn up dickies and like a thrift store flannel shirt. And he'd be like, now i'm wearing this right and so what was there was there some controversy with the word skillet he wouldn't say skillet he was supposed to promote holiday and his new breakfast skillet he's like nah no i'm not saying skillet it's not he would change all the words but yeah but the campaign was like winning awards because it was so good because he was so fucking funny and so there's nothing they could do about it was hilarious

he is uh he's just so uh it's a slow delivery that's so funny and uh yeah he's just a character um i think the mugs are sold out they must be sold out by now but you can check you can go to the website uh sundaypapers.net and see if there's a mug there for you um and now let's talk about your internet safety and i have i have been using express vpn on my computer for years and it gives me a sense of peace of mind. I know that all my stuff is encrypted. I know that it's going to be way more difficult for somebody to hack into me.

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And you can use it on your phone. You can use it on your smart TV. Protect your online activity today. Here's the other great thing you could do with it is when you search for flights, do you know this? Happened. Let me, I don't even know what you're going to say. I think I know what you're going to say.

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Now, if you're using ExpressVPN, they don't know that you visited the site and the flights do not go up in value. That is one of the biggest assets. The other one is you can watch Netflix from different countries and see their libraries, because you're setting that you're in England or you're in Denmark or whatever. So anyway, protect your online activity today with the VPN rated number one by Business Insider. Visit my exclusive link, expressvpn.com slash papers, and you can get an extra three months free on a one-year package.

That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s-vpn.com slash papers, expressvpn.com slash papers to learn more. Yep. Also, they know what zip code you search things in. Oh, yeah. And sometimes I've heard they adjust prices for that i have been taking the most lovely bowel movements lately and cleaning up with something that makes my conscience feel good every day tens of thousands of trees are cut down to make single use paper products that are flushed or thrown away and go into landfills our forests currently

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Is that going to work? Yeah, that sounds great. It's not legal. It's actually just yellow. Do you know why legal pads are yellow? Why? Because lawyers work so goddamn much, and the white paper was very fatiguing on the eyes. Really?

Yeah. Here we go. But your toilet paper is white because you like when your asshole's fatigued. Here we go but your toilet paper is white because you like when your asshole is fatigued here we go there it is extra we all about it extra

okay a new investigation has identified a suspect let's call him asshole number one who may have betrayed Anne Frank and her family to the Nazis Investigation has identified a suspect, let's call him asshole number one, who may have betrayed Anne Frank and her family to the Nazis. The Jewish diarist, she had diarrhea. Oh, that must have been tough in an attic.

She didn't have bamboo toilet paper. She died in a Nazi concentration camp in 1945 at age 15 after two years in hiding, a team, including an ex-FBI agent, said Arnold Van Vandenberg, a Jewish figure in, wait, something? We have, somehow you're- Me? One of us. My Google Doc has been jumping to the bottom of the page all right my google doc is now taking whatever we say and writing it into the document oh shit wait wait wait okay what's that all i know what happened what i took i put this dictation you know know, your, uh, yes, your voice to text is on.

Chris just wrote. Now, how do we turn it off? I turned it off. It's off now, but oh, that is so fucked up. So I can't get rid of this thing. If anyone knows right in a little microphone pops up and I can press wake up or sleep. And I just noticed it was on. Sorry about that.

That's all right. Uh, Chris, you want to cut that part out? No, I didn't keep it. Yeah, let's keep it. It's good entertainment. So anyway. Yeah, man, someone write to me. I can't get this microphone.

I shut off dictation. I go into settings. I go into voice. I go into dictation. I can't get rid of this goddamn thing. I guess I have to shut my computer off. It's how I wrote my book. When I wrote my book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons,

I had a dictate program on my phone, and I used to walk around. There's a park across the street from my office, and I used to just walk around it for hours telling stories into my phone, and then I would plug it into my computer. It would download everything I said and write it out. And, you know, there was a lot of misspellings,

but who gives a fuck? An ugly first draft is so much easier to work with than typing from scratch. It was great. I had an email I was dreading. That's how I turned mine on. This email, I had to basically come up with a one sheet on an idea that required too much.

Anyway, so I turned the dictate thing on, and it's the first time I've ever used it. I don't know why I haven't used it before. But anyway, sorry that it went into this document. Let's keep going. How's your pitching going, by the way, for your sitcom? No sales yet. But HBO is, of course, always a pleasure to pitch to, and Netflix as well, Hulu.

It's going okay. Okay. But no sales. Don't worry. No work. I'll write if there's work. Don't worry. You don't worry.

I'm not worried. I think it's going to sell. I think it's a great idea. Anyway, we can't talk about it. Mike has a great sitcom idea and i can't wait for the day when he sells it we can fucking announce it on the show oh i didn't even know what you were talking about i was there was another one but all right go ahead i think you're talking about a different one which hasn't really started yet all right okay back to the Nazis. So this guy, an ex-FBI agent, said Arnold Vandenberg, a Jewish figure in Amsterdam,

probably gave up the Franks to save his own family. The team, made up of historians and other experts, spent six years using modern... Oh, God, toilet paper. We're back. Using computer algorithms to search for connections between many different people something that would have taken humans thousands of hours vandenberg had been a member of the amsterdam jewish council a body forced to implement nazi policy in jewish areas it was disbanded in 1943 and its members were dispatched to concentration camps so essentially a bunch of jewish people were enlisted by the nazis to turn in other jewish people and when they were done

they were sent to the fucking camps well he apparently did it right wasn't the thing that he he was not though he used it to get his family excused right he got out and uh so they found that one of the clues that it was him is that they found that he was instead living in Amsterdam as normal afterwards. Right. So, yeah. Listen, let's face it. Amsterdam is the capital of selling young women. Right. The world capital of selling young women.

So that's what he did. He was just way ahead of the curve. He saw what Amsterdam could be way before anyone else. Yeah, that's what the father probably said to Aunt Frank. He's like, you think it's bad being stuck in an attic? How about being stuck in a storefront window with a bed and a curtain? All right. So I know this is not a popular thing to do, but a couple of facts. All right. So I know this is not a popular thing to do, but a couple of facts.

All right. Do you know that Anne Frank and the Franks, you keep saying attic. That's my impression also. They were in a three-story apartment. What do you mean? They hid in a three-story apartment. Were they in an attic or were they in an apartment okay you ready because i i did a little research three-story apartment no which had the top floor i guess is like an attic but it was they the bookcase hid a doorway and the father's name

was otto and i think this was part of like where he worked because his employees were hiding, you know, they were keeping them under the wraps and then delivering the food and all that. Three store. So first of all, three story apartment with food delivered. Not so bad. No, I'm kidding. Of course.

But listen, okay. Here's another thing. You ready? Otto, do you know that frank's dad lived till 1980 no shit really wow and he was remarried because his daughters and his wife died in the holocaust he went to Auschwitz. He lived. And then he got remarried. And I thought that was kind of funny because, listen,

stepmoms are always tricky, right? Like there's a... But even the most patient stepmom would be like, listen, Otto, can we stop talking about your daughter for a little bit? Yeah, right, right. I mean, I get it it ands amazing all right but uh can we just it's fine

i you know i really view her as my own daughter kind of but i don't even talk about my own daughter this much right and will you stop hanging out on the top floor so much come downstairs and hang out with me you're obsessed with the attic okay three-story apartment and uh do you know she started a relationship with a boy and frank can you imagine trying to date and frank how difficult that would be because she's 14 oh what is it? Your parents? No, the Nazis. What? The Nazis? No, my parents. The other way around. So get this. I also I'm going to read what I found after the original publication.

Several sections of her diaries were, you know, they were initially edited out and they've been revealed. And then and I guess there were new editions of her diary. But the passages contain descriptions of her sexuality, exploration of her genitalia, and her thoughts on menstruation. Dear Diary, I think I'm getting my period. And by the way, Uncle Arnold sure asks a lot of questions about where we live. For a poor Jew living in the slums, he sure has a nice shiny German watch. And like most girls, this is how I believe. I have no doubt at all that this is Anne Frank's real diary. She complained about her mom a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine how bad your relationship has to be with your mom when there are Nazis right outside your window looking to kill you.

And still you're like, fucking mom. God damn, bitch. Yeah. She's really you know, she gives me no freedom. Just let me do anything. Yeah. Shadow removed remarks about the parents' strained marriage and basically her descriptions of her difficult relationship with her mom. Oh, so we got the edited version. Two additional pages, and Ann had pasted them over with brown paper, were deciphered in 2018 and contained an attempt to explain sex education and also get this, a handful of dirty jokes. Nice. Yeah.

I like her even more now, but by the way, go eat your parents, strained marriage. All, all marriages are strained. Now add Nazis looking and searching desperately to kill you. Wow.

Um, all right, here's, here's a story about a, um, add Nazis looking and searching desperately to kill you. Wow. All right. Here's a story about a University of Pennsylvania student, Mackenzie Feirsten. She had her Rhodes scholarship revoked and her master's degree withheld after allegations surfaced that she was lying about her first-generation low-income status and life in foster care. So I guess she graduated and she was one of 32 Rhodes Scholars chosen for more than 2,300 students. It's impossible to get a Rhodes Scholarship. Bill Clinton had one.

There's another young girl who was kind of fibbing about her reality. A little bit. Girl who was kind of fibbing about her reality. A little bit. She was quoted as saying, statistics show that only 2% of foster youth graduate from four-year universities and most also do not even graduate from high school, Fierst and Toll, the Philadelphia Inquirer. The overwhelming majority of us do not want to graduate high school. No, do want. Do want to graduate high school it's just because i do want to graduate high school it's just that because of a million systemic factors and barriers and obstacles and systematic oppression that everyone faces it's just very very challenging here's the problem yeah god here's the problem uh an anonymous

tip was then sent uh where it shows her her instagram photos of of her whitewater rafting, riding horses, and skydiving. Oh, wow. Apparently she grew up wealthy. She went to a fancy private school and was not an orphan. She was never in foster care. The anonymous tip came from the same guy that ratted out Anne Frank. It was Arnold. It was Arnold again. He's on ratted out Anne Frank. It was Arnold.

It was Arnold again. He's on a tear, this guy. It was Arnold's grandson, yeah. He hates these hardscrabble stories that just don't ring true to him about these young girls. Yeah, and you know what? Poor people also go whitewater rafting when they're cleaning their clothes by the river's edge and they fall in. How many times do they go whitewater rafting? Not with a raft. Exactly.

And they ride horses, right? They don't have a car. They go whitewatering, yeah. Oh, she went to Whitfield in St. Louis where our friend Chris Denman lives.

So he's writing here, it is a comically nice private school. What does comically nice mean? Probably extremely nice. Yeah, I think he mistyped it with his two fat fingers. That wasn't nice. I'm sorry, chris you don't have fat fingers he just has stuttering fingers um uh yes he says i'll get it yeah because my my stepmother speaking of stepmothers she went to mary institute remembered it in st louis and you it's basically a cult of rich white people. And St. Louis has a very bizarre culture

of being incredibly competitive when it comes to which high school you went to. Oh, yeah, I've heard that about St. Louis. What high school did you go to, Chris Demmon? Write it into the document. I think he went to Mary Institute also. It was like a Tom Hanks. He had to dress up like a woman to get in and he also identifies as a woman i grew up an hour south

in farming god he types so fucking slow and farmington farmington didn't participate in the mess in the mess okay so he was he was poor um although this guy will rat out chris i'm sure there are photos of him stealing horses and someday maybe chris will rat out some of these q anon people that he works as maybe maybe chris is actually under deep cover and all the q anon stuff that he's always wearing and all the conspiracy theories. Maybe he's just trying to get inside and then he's going to reveal these people one day. I think that's a long, long con.

I like it. Okay. There's a guy. Here's a great story. Here's a heart warmer. More than 150,000 people have signed an online petition to remove a judge who berated a 17-year-old cancer patient last week. 72-year-old cancer patient last week for failing to maintain his property in Detroit.

A breathless Burhan Chowdhury of Hamtrack, Michigan, told the judge during a appearance over Zoom that he was unable to keep his yard in good shape because his cancer treatments made him very weak. The judge then said, quote, you should be ashamed of yourself. If I could give you jail time on this, I would. He issued him a $100 fine to be paid by February 1st, adding, you've got to get that cleaned up. This is totally inappropriate. Is this really a big problem in Detroit? Right, right.

An untidy yard? Yeah, I know. You want to get the, the bloodstains are probably the priority here. The pieces of fucking shattered bone. Yeah, you know what most of the garbage in my yard is it's the the burned down house next door fell into my yard yeah right well i'll tell you something i'm with the judge on this one i mean look you gotta take care if if walter white who also had cancer can run a meth lab and exterminate a gang of Mexican drug cartel,

this guy could do a little weed whacking. Maybe, also, maybe the judge is right because his whole yard is strewn with overgrown tobacco plants and uranium. Maybe he caused his own cancer. I think that's what the judge is looking at here. Hey, maybe your daughter's in Michigan. Maybe she can get her sorority together and they can go clean up his yard. Wouldn't that be sweet?

I bet he'd love it. I bet he'd be breathless once again looking out the window. Then they'd raid his liquor cabinet. Rage her right in the yard. Did she join a sorority? She did did i don't know a lot of the details she wasn't going to wasn't going to and then but it's a big part of the culture there yeah i don't know i i can't defend it i think it's one of those schools where if you don't join a fraternity or

sorority like you can't even get into any parties? I think there's a little of that. Although sororities I don't think are allowed to have parties. Isn't that the national case? Oh, really? That seems sexist. I don't know. I mean, maybe not public ones. I don't know.

I don't know how that works. I think they should outlaw all Greek life. It's a fucking joke. A little bit, yeah. In the new segment you started last week good news for gubbins the government is sending out free covid tests but you got to sign up fast and apparently gubbins uh did it within the first hour to inch out that wave of black people that was going to try to get tests he didn't hack the website so no one else could get them yeah um have you signed up have you the one yeah i did it right away when do they roll out they said at the end of january

i had already ordered some on amazon like three weeks before and they still haven't come. The ones I paid for are fucking slow. And so I don't know. Does our insurance, would our insurance reimburse us for those? It was like 20 bucks for four tests. The question remains. Yeah, I don't know. They're more

expensive. Really? When did you order them? Like three weeks ago and we still haven't gotten them. I think the price might have gone up a little bit. Price on masks has gone up, but that makes sense to me, as long as they're not, like, gouging. But short supply, of course it's going to go up. Local news. You want to read us some local news?

Yeah, the L.A. County, their felony charges in the first fatal crash involving a Tesla's autopilot. The defendant appears to be the first person to be charged with the felony in the United States for a fatal crash involving a motorist who was using a partially automated driving system. The driver of a Tesla on autopilot ran a red light, slammed into another car, and killed two people. This happened in Los Angeles. The misuse of autopilot, which can control steering, speed, and braking, has occurred on numerous occasions, and this is the subject of investigations by two federal agencies. The filing of charges in the California crash could serve notice to drivers who use systems such as autopilot that they cannot rely on them to control vehicles. Remember we did that story in Texas. There was a fatal crash, but only the people in the Tesla died.

And the two guys were in the back seat. They were in the back seat. Yeah, right. I think people are trusting this thing too much. Yes and no. I mean, statistically, these cars will have way less accidents than human error.

And there's going to be mistakes by the computer. And God, my heart goes out to the people that died it's terrible but if you crunch the numbers these auto driving cars do a better job than our drunken distracted texting arguing radio changing human brains you know when they're programmed, this is not my thought. I read this somewhere, but they like, for instance, I think like, what does this computer do when it sees you can run into a car, you can't break fast enough. So you're going to hit either a car or a human. I think they're programmed.

But then what if it's like a human adult or a human-like child? You think there's an algorithm for who becomes the victim if they have to choose? I mean, I don't know. That's what I'm asking. I mean, they have to be programmed on stuff like this. Do you think it's racially blind? It doesn't see color? I don't know.

That's another good question. I'm not sure. But I bet. What do you think the algorithm should be? if it's a man, because the insurance companies will tell you that a male bread earner has more value in the world than a child. Like if you kill a child in a DUI and you get sued, you owe less money than if you had killed an adult male breadwinner. well very soon the cars will also have uh facial recognition and it'll be like uh this is an illegal this is an illegal alien and let's let's take him out right and not only that it won't even be an accident it will just speed up and run over undocumented people in this country combine the police force with uh auto driving They'll just take out criminals.

We're not saying that illegal aliens are criminals, and I don't even like that phrase, illegal aliens. No, we're not saying that. You are. Yeah. I thought it was insensitive that the guy that was driving sent flowers to the funeral, but he sent them in one of those robotic delivery carts. That took out another car.

What the AI will do, though, is they will absolutely avoid hitting Karens. It'll identify the most litigious groups and not run them over. Right, right. But I bet there's interesting stuff written about that because they do have to be programmed by a human. And I wonder how they are programmed. All right, entertainment. Entertainment.

Hold on, I got to get the paper, man. It fucking fell on the floor. There. Okay. Okay. These are all your stories. You were busy this week. I was busy.

I put a lot of stories in, and you didn't like some of them, and that's fine. It's, you know, we overshoot, and then we trim down. You agreed. You suggested cutting some. I suggested it, yes. Yeah. Not this one. suggested it yes uh not this one cardi b has offered up to pay the burial cost for all 17 people killed in a fire in the bronx where she grew up many of the victims had ties to gambia

and families of several of the victims plan to bury them in their west african homelands cardi b has committed to paying the repatriation expenses for the victims quote i'm extremely proud to be from the Bronx and I have lots of family and friends who live and work there still. So when I heard about the fire and all the victims, I knew I needed to do something to help. Cardi B said in a statement, followed up by,

and I wanted to make sure that I gave a statement and made sure people knew I gave them money. I wonder if there'll be any like print, like this funeral service is brought to you by wet ass pussy. Just technically that is what has paid for this. That's some wet ass pussy. Right, right. A little insensitive that she added.

If only there had been more wet ass pussy in those apartments, maybe the fire would not have spread so quickly. Oh, shit. What if Cardi B had just showed up, pulled up her skirt, spread her legs and taken that fire out with that. Whap. Yeah.

I just started clapping that ass all over the apartment, hosing it down. Good. Have you seen that video? It is so fantastic. It is fucking, it is what music videos were made to do it's like you gave the most imaginative like 12 year old uh acid and said sketch us out what you want to say yeah right uh and by the way uh she's paying for it but she's doing it all in singles, which I thought was weird.

She's making it rain a little too late. Yeah. All right. Awkwafina, do it. Actress Awkwafina, who's been criticized for misappropriating black culture, is facing more backlash after being nominated for an NAACP Image Award. Twitter users immediately followed up with criticism on Tuesday after the Asian actress received a nomination for Outstanding Character voiceover performance in Disney's Raya and the Last Dragon. Huh. I mean, all right.

So, you know, I've never seen her live or anything, but obviously I'm aware of her. I've never seen her live or anything, but obviously I'm aware of her. It seems like there's no more African-American name than Awkwafina. Right. Like if I went to a club. Get your ass inside here. Oh, okay. I was not going to do the accent.

But like, does it begin there? Or people, I don't know the origin of the name Awkwafina. I don't know why she chose it. I don't know if it's chosen or if it's hers. It was given to her. I have no idea. I don't know why. She's from Queens.

She grew up in a diverse neighborhood. And I don't know. It's like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame just inducted Jay-Z and LL Cool J. Isn't the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame really just the white awards? Shouldn't it just be for rock and roll? Does this tie in in any way? I don't know. We should mention, by the way,

speaking of NAACP nominations, Chris, of all people, maybe the last guess. Chris Denman. Chris Denman. Chris Denman, our producer, nominated. So this is true. I then, when he texted us that to brag about it and to shock us, I said, that's amazing that they'll recognize you considering you're a card-car of the N double a WP. Cause my joke was that Chris is a member of the national association for the advancement of white people.

Yes. Get this. That really exists. No. I then Googled it to see, and there is an N double a WP. Unbelievable. Yeah.

Do white people need to be advanced? I think we've been advanced pretty well. Did white people need a national association in America? Yeah. I don't think. Right. Anna DeArmas, two fans, filed a federal

class action lawsuit on Friday alleging that they were duped into renting the 2019 film yesterday because Anna DeArmas

appeared in the trailer Connor Wolf 38 and Peter Rosa of San Diego say they each paid $3.99

to rent the movie on Amazon Prime only to discover that DeArmas was removed from the final cut of the film. The suit accuses Universal of engaging in deceptive marketing and seeks to recoup at least $5 million on behalf of affected consumers. Yeah. This is who Tesla should take out. Peter Michael Rosa and whoever the other one is, Connor Wolf. Oh, my. This is who Tesla should take out. Peter Michael Rosa and whoever the other one is,

Connor Wolf. Oh, my. This is ridiculous. No, I love these guys. I love these guys. Well, I'm going to sue the Bond film, No Time to Die, because Anna's in that and she sucked. She did suck.

She did suck in it. Also, I just saw Power of the Dog, and I want $5 million because jesse plemmons okay i love jesse plemmons he plays the exact same character in almost i'm not yeah it's true i'm not saying he doesn't do it well get this one in power of the dog he's married to kirsten Dunst, just like he was in Fargo. Yeah. And he basically plays the same husband. And he is married to her in real life, right? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that's that's five million, please. Yeah, I'll take five million for that. And I'll take five million for Fast and the Furious, the Tokyo Drift. Oh, you froze. Because I've never. Am I right? Yeah Oh, you froze. Because I've never... Am I all right? Yeah, now you are.

The Tokyo Drift because I have never seen good Asian drivers, and so it was too much of a stretch. That's a good one. I'm also going to sue every individual member of the Eagles except Joe Walsh for their solo projects. I like that. I don't even sue the Eagles. Joe Walsh for their solo projects. I like that. I'd even sue the Eagles. Well, I don't know.

I have a mixed feeling about the Eagles. I feel like they're like Chicago. You have to begrudgingly give them respect and say that their musicianship was actually very good. Their output was pretty high quality. They may be corny, but part of that, I think, is you being an East Coaster hating a West Coast band. You think? That's why Erin hates them.

She hates Jackson Brown. She hates the Eagles. Wow. She doesn't like the West Coast bands. She likes Linda Ronstadt,onstadt though right i have to check with her on that this is all like you know this is geffen's list when he basically went down to uh what's the place on um santa monica and doheny fame troubadour oh yeah it's like geffen basically signed everybody and their well linda ronstonstadt and Jackson Brown lived upstairs from each other.

And she's like, she could hear him playing. And she's like, I've never seen anybody work as hard as Jackson Brown in my life. He was nonstop. I thought that was Glenn Frey. I think she was also very in with the Eagles at the time. They might have all lived in the same building. But Joe Walsh, with the exception of joe walsh who did some fucking great songs and has a great life story he's awesome yeah he's really great

uh why don't you read the adele story adele has postponed her las vegas residency due to covid 19 related production delays the singer announced a day before her first show was set to kick off. Quote, I'm sorry, but my show ain't ready, Adele said in a tearful video posted to Twitter Thursday. We've quote, we've tried absolutely everything that we can do to put it together in time and for it to be good enough for you. But we've been absolutely destroyed by delivery delays and COVID. Half my crew were down with COVID. They still are. And it's been impossible to finish the show. She added, I can't give you what I have right now. The Easy On Me singer added, she was gutted by the last minute cancellation. Her Las

Vegas residency titled Weekends With Adele and announced in November was set to kick off Friday at the Coliseum, blah, blah, blah. Um, so here's my thing. I saw the cancellation, but the night before,

yeah, like everyone flew in and it's like, I don't know. Most people are there to see you sing with just a piano accompaniment. In fact, tens of millions of people watched you in a car singing karaoke. It doesn't take much. Yeah, that's how she got big in this country. That put her at the next level.

Well, that album was so extraordinary. So my thinking is, sorry, no jokes here, but my thinking is like, listen, you only are scheduled to do two shows a weekend. This first weekend, so many people have flown in, probably some from other countries. Oh, yeah, no, I saw the news. People flew in from all over the world for this. And now they're sitting in the Cosmopolitan in Vegas, and you are canceling on them like, you know, 20 hours before. It's like just do go out and do a Q&A. Yeah.

Something. Hug people. Just go out and hug everybody. First of all, she was made. Guess what she was making a night. Don't look at the document or you'll read it. No, I'm not looking at the document. I don't know.

I don't know. Guess how much per show she was making but i hate things like this because then i'll guess too high because i know it's going to be high go ahead tell me six hundred and eighty thousand dollars per night i was gonna guess five hundred thousand and i was afraid it was going to be high and she's renting a forty thousand dollar per night suite uh the cheapest seat was like close to a grand. And the most expensive ones were $40,000 per seat to sit in the front row.

And it's like, wow. And she said, I don't understand how you allow your tickets to get sold for that. I think it was all resale. I believe the concert sold out like right away, but then this is all the resale prices. Well, I told you about my physical therapist guy, right? Who I learned was quite into her.

Anyway, it was a lottery to be eligible to buy a ticket. Right. On Ticketmaster. For $1,000 a seat minimum. Which they did not announce before the lottery. So that's why, like, even if you didn't get the lottery, then, you know, you sort of went up the list pretty quickly. Because people are like, I can't do that. Did you watch the video of her crying?

No, I didn't do that. It's so, there's something about her i find very overproduced like she she sets up her camera and then all of a sudden she's crying about it it was so something's going on i'd love to know the real reason why this this happened i know she is a diva that's she's gotten to that you know maybe she's earned it but uh she has definitely become a diva that's she's gotten to that you know maybe she's earned it but uh she has definitely become a diva i believe i saw she did a special recently where she was at she was outside in la up in the hills somewhere no no no so you know all of cordon's producers produced that oh yeah because cordon was there dancing with his wife but it was like

a who's who of hollywood every major celebrity was there and she got up and sang and to be honest i didn't think she was that good and i love adele i fucking love her but i felt like there was something about that show where she felt like maybe she was intimidated by the star power because that's got to be distracting having like all the biggest stars in Hollywood right in front of you and you're outside. I didn't see it. I saw clips of it and everything. I know there was a marriage proposal. I work in TV, so I know how fake and how orchestrated and produced those are.

There was a woman blindfolded and brought out,, the guy proposed, which is very interesting because this was, this is her divorce album. So it's a little weird, but, uh, so what they did was, um, around that marriage proposal, she sang what I think is her best song, which was written by a guy named Bob Dylan, um, which celebrates love and not, uh, and not describes divorce. So, or bemoans divorce. So anyway, um, that's unbelievable. Like people had paid for it. So imagine insurance on this because insurance has to make this right. Yep. Yep. Um, all right, let's do some Florida, man. 680,000 a night. Holy shit. Uh, why do I keep putting down? Where's the, where's do some Florida Man. $680,000 a night. Holy shit.

Why do I keep putting down? Where's the paper? All right, everybody hold on. I found it. Okay. Florida Man. You ready for this? A positive Florida Man story.

Oh, I like it. Nice twist. Florida, a rare one. Florida, the headline is Florida students Super Bowl petition nears 100,000 signatures. And it wants a Saturday game or a Monday holiday. Frank Ruggieri, 18, says the game should be switched to Saturday to allow young fans to stay up late and give other fans enough time to recover from the excitement. Other fans responding to the petition suggest attaching a Monday holiday afterward

if the game were to remain on Sunday. It will get more money and get more visitors to the game. The NFL will get more money and get more visitors to the game. The NFL will get more television views because most government jobs have Sunday off, he said. It will let more children enjoy their beloved game on TV or at the venue. Most of the football playoff games are on Saturday anyway, he claims in the petition. It's really, really important to me because 17.2 million people miss work. He told Morning in America. Anyway, I didn't know that part about it. What else? He discussed buckling the longstanding tradition.

Fox 59 of Indianapolis reported. What's this part? That's $44 billion less. Oh, I guess they attached a numeric dollar value to the loss in productivity, which was $44 billion? Well, I think the other thing that would be nice about it is, look, this kid lives in Florida, so the extra day off would give that black eye time to heal if dad lost his bets. I know. Now the biggest day of wife beating will be moved to Saturday where it belongs. Yeah, right. Not on the Lord's Day.

He also wants to switch the 4th of July to the 5th of July because on the 4th, he's got a DUI hearing. And so he's getting a petition going on that. I'm surprised most people in Florida even know what day of the week it is. I'm behind this kid. Do you remember when we lived on the East Coast, when the Super Bowl would end, it was like a full-on depressing moment. I mean, you had a unique job where like you worked on weekends. Having it would it would on the East Coast, it ended at like midnight.

And you would be so depleted and basically your hangover would start that night. I remember the first night I ever did stand-up comedy was the night the Patriots lost to the Chicago Bears. Do you remember that? Trouncing in 86. I was on stage for the first fucking time in front of a bunch of Massachusetts fans who had just lost the Super Bowl. I didn't even start it that early, by the way. Well, I did it, and then I didn't do it again for a couple years it was like it was like a one-off and then i and then i started again like a couple years ago a couple years later um so yeah if i could get through that i could get

through anything and stand up um move it to saturday you know people don't remember the Oscars used to be on every, every year for most of the Oscars till like, I'd say 15 years ago they were on Monday night. Oh no shit. And it was very cool. People, people, old timers in LA really missed that because basically it was a holiday. Like everyone was running around,

like who worked in the business and nothing really could get done because everyone was away from their desk so it was like this special oscar monday and you know in boston do you remember the boston marathon is a monday every year and they call it patriots day yes and it's a holiday and nobody works in boston on. And it's the greatest fucking day. St. Patrick's Day in Boston is amazing, but Marathon Day trumps it by far. It is amazing. Did you ever run the Boston Marathon? I never ran the Boston.

With Heartbreak Hill, never ran it. Yeah, it's a tough one to run. And people just line up and it goes through Southie and it goes through the western part of Massachusetts. It goes all over. It's amazing. You know who worked one of those Patriot days? Those two young bombers who bombed the marathon.

They should have taken the day off. They should have taken the day off. There you go. Let's do some international. Yes, we will. All right. All right. All right. Let's skip this one.

Okay. And go down to this one. This one came from our friend Dan Brickner in Philadelphia. This is hot off the presses. A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in Ireland to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents the Gardais have ever seen. The shocking incident in which the deceased male was propped up by two other men happened at the post office in Carleton.

Staff at the post office immediately became suspicious and contacted emergency services and Gardais rushed to the scene. No money was handed over and it is understood that the deceased man is well known to the two men who moved his body. So it's Weekend at O'Bernie's. Weekend at O'Bernie's. You know, I never saw Weekend at O'Bernie's. I should. Why not?

Yeah, it's good. It's good.'s good um but uh what was oh yeah they they knew this was a total scam because the drunk man was not shit-faced the dead man was not shit-faced the dead man what did i say you said drunk man i can't even escape uh there's no way to talk about this irish guy collecting his pension without uh if this is not a fucking screenplay i mean they there was a what was the there was one waking ned divine do you remember that one i know that name and it was an irish movie it was set in ireland and it was a dead guy and they were collecting his pension and pretending he was dead

so this sounds like a real thing in Ireland that people do. I've been eating too much pot, and I've been watching a lot of things. Why wouldn't I throw on Weekend at Bernie's? I'm constantly stumped on what to watch. Yeah. I want to talk about it because I saw a bunch of stuff, including Louie's Hour when we get to entertainment. Oh, yeah.

I think we already did entertainment. We already did entertainment. Did we? Yeah. Why don't you talk about Louie's Hour when we get to entertainment. Oh, yeah. I think we already did entertainment. We already did entertainment. Did we? Yeah. Why don't you talk about Louie's Special? When did we do entertainment? Oh, up with Cardi B and stuff? Yeah, we did.

All women. It was an all women entertainment section. We covered, and we didn't cover Ellen. We did Cardi B. We did Awkwafina. That's right. We did Ana de Armas. That's right.

We did Adele. I thought that was just the feminist section. Tina, we did Armas. We did Adele. I thought that was just the feminist section. The, I forgot, because you and I talked about it like two weeks ago and we were going to like kind of rush to go watch it. And I forgot.

So anyway, went on Louis' website, got the link, watched his hour. It's great. And I was like a lot of hours. I really enjoy it. I think it's great. And then I, of course, you know, like a lot of people, I can't recount a lot of the bits, but it was just so edgy and absurd and just perfectly Louie in that way. Like where, where he'll take a concept and kind of go to crazy town and, uh, and think of it in ways you never, uh, never, ever thought about. And so, um,

I really, really liked it. It was great. I saw him when I was in New York a few weeks ago and we went to the dog park and walked his dog for like three hours. And I said to him, I said, so how's the special doing? And it had just been out for a week. And he's like, we made $1.6 million in the first week. But you have to understand something. Louis spends money like a fucking lunatic. Yeah, he does. And he spent a lot of money shooting it.

And then I don't know if you noticed the opening song uh okay that bothered me how do you know about that he told me it's the opening song is like a rolling stone and he paid a hundred thousand dollars to play that song okay did he tell you why he wanted he liked the lyrics of once upon a time you dressed so fine you threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you? He liked that it was relevant to his situation in life. It's not and that's what bothers me. Listen, I love Louis. This is the one thing

and I remember now vividly it rubbed me the wrong way. He not only opened it but he closed with it and then he mouthed the words when he was walking off stage. How does it feel? So listen, allow me to step on a soapbox for one second. That song is generally considered to be written about this, the hugest guy ever in folk music.

And at that time, he was the darling, the hero. And he turned on them. And he went in a new direction that he knew he would lose so many of his fans. And if Louie's thinking he is in any way on that artistic level, he's fucked in the head. Because all Louie's doing is desperately returning to his fan base. all Louie's doing is desperately returning to his fan base. He's not at all doing material that would lose fans or pursuing an artistic endeavor that would lose his, like, sacred following, which is what Bob Dylan did.

There's not nearly the artistic courage that he's, if he's comparing himself or putting himself on that level, then Louie's got to check himself big time. It's offensive. Well, I mean, look, there's a lot of ways to interpret a song. One is just this is a person who's been humbled. And, you know, this is a point in his life that he is coming back from. And I don't know.

I think that's a harsh take on it i don't know how does it feel to be on your own he's talking about see like and for you guys to resent me because i no longer like doing the stuff you guys like that's all that was bob dylan's thing yeah he had already and then by the way after that he goes into country music and leaves and like and goes to the top of the charts in country i mean it was just a true true artist and and i think louis is a true artist also don't get me wrong but i'm talking about like a game-changing artist one that like cannibalized everyone in his life for his art like Picasso did and just stole ruthlessly and made new art out of it and then and then kept moving forward and famously didn't

look back. Louis is an artist I mean he you can argue about what level he's at but I mean what did he do with Woody Allen I mean he took Woody Allen and he was inspired by his, certainly by the music and the cinematography and the writing. I mean, he's he certainly cannibalized Woody Allen to some degree. He's cannibalized a lot of French filmmakers. There's this, you know, Louis, Louis fucking brilliant. No, no. Louis is a great artist and he's brilliant. I'm not doing any of that. What I'm just saying is to compare it to such like a game changing artist just to play that song.

Listen, obviously it's a sensitive point for me because I really perked up like what's the message here? And that he went through paid a hundred thousand dollars for it, but that he mouthed those words to like, how does it feel? for but that he mouthed those words too like how does it feel seems very you know that's when dylan was literally screaming that as you can see in the scorsese documentary when he's screaming that he is talking to his fan like those fans that were booing him yeah um anyway well but great hour great i can't believe i haven't seen it yet i'm gonna maybe maybe i'll watch it right after this all right let's do some sports mike i know you don't want to you're breaking you're breaking up a little bit you're breaking up i know right here sports So wait, hold on. Before we go to sports, just a brief mention. Dude, I've been listening to Traffic this week.

I went down to Traffic Wormhole. As you do often. Not with Traffic. Yeah, you do. I mean, I love Traffic. They're not new to me at all, but I mean. Oh, I'm thinking of Faces. You got like this with Faces.

Oh, no, the Faces. I love Faces. One of my favorite bands. The Five Guys Walking to a Bar is one of the great, and Ben Hoffman turned me on to that. One of the great box sets of all time. So this is what I would say. I mean, just go listen to Dear Mr. Fantasy and stuff. Oh, yeah.

And the low spark of High Heeled Boys. Steve Winwood was 15 years old when he did that song. 15 years old. And that song has gravity. It has. How did he possibly reach those emotional points at that age? I think he was maybe even younger when he was first found. I know, yeah.

I mean, it's really, really good. And Dave Mason writing, you know, feeling all right. But anyway, how about this, listeners? I mean, it's like just an incredibly blissful moment when you disappear into that musicianship. What else is, I mean, like Krongman, I felt the same way. I was just like, when I put it on, I can like really just feel and have a great moment. What else is out there that's like that now, I guess? Because I'd like to be turned on to it for sure.

I don't want to seem like the old guy who's just stuck, like's been good since then a shitload has been good since then but like i mean those moments it just feels like it was life or death for the for the musicians involved like that was their everything i would say i'd put smashing pumpkins in there oh yeah no but i'm talking about like the last 10 years. The last 10 years? Shannon and the Clams. Listen to some Shannon and the Clams. Surprising title for this category, all right. I mean, listen, I know Kendrick Lamar is writing it like it's life or death also. So, you know, it's out there there i just need to be turned on to it uh for sports you motherfucker had a bad week bad week we had a bet that uh jokovic would um whether or not

jokovic would be allowed to play in the australian open i said he'd be deported you said money would would hold sway and they would end up keeping him He was deported I should have gotten odds on that Because he had already been rejected But I thought it would be overturned again So you lost 30 bucks there And then you lost another 50

When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Fucking killed Philly It was 7.5 points spread I think they won by 20 something The only good part of that is how bad they beat Philly I hate Philly. It was seven and a half points spread. I think they won by 20 something. The only good part of that is how bad they beat Philly. I hate Philly. Yeah. But, oh my God.

So you're down $110 for the year as we go into a huge game tomorrow as the Rams play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It's the game I've been waiting for all fucking season. Not that I knew it was going to happen, but like these are my teams. These are my two teams. Right. And I really, I won't mind losing $50 to you this week if the Rams win.

Oh, wow. That's nice of you. That's magnanimous. Fantastic. And I think the Rams will squeak it out, but they're giving right now it's two and a half points. There's something about me, you know, even though I was a Rams season ticket holder for like two years,

I just like when L.A., you know, cries. Really? Yeah, there's something. I like when everyone outA., you know, cries. Really? I like when the Dodgers lose. Yeah, there's something I like when everyone out here in their stupid bubble doesn't get their way. Oh. That's why I can't wait for this earthquake. I mean, literally, cannot wait. I pray by my bedside that I'm Italian in a giant earthquake in L.A. What a life you live. You want the stock market to crash

because you bought a fund that makes money when the stock market goes down. You want there to be an earthquake. Is that up, by the way? I bought it. You know, listen, I bought it and it fucking went down. Of course, like all my investments. But TZA now, so I bought it in the high twenties. It then went,

when it totally, the market should have been tanking already. It went down to the low twenties and now it's at 38. So get in TZA. It's a thrill ride because it's triple weighted. So if you want to sell the market short by TZA, is that the idea? If you want to, yeah. But the problem is if the market short by TZA, is that the idea? If you want to, yeah. But the problem is if the market goes down $1, you go up $3. Conversely, if the market goes up $1, you go down $3. Yeah. It's a real hedge.

All right. But anyway, it's at $38.40 now. I think the market's going to go up on Monday. By the way, this S&P, did we get to business? We didn't get to business. We'll talk about it later. Let's talk about China. China brings back anal swab testing for

COVID in the world's most brutal lockdown two weeks before the Winter Olympics begin. The communist regime claims the virus test, which involves inserting a five centimeter long saline soaked swab up a patient's bum. Where did I get this article? And rotating it is more accurate than other on the spot virus test. However, the prospect of foreign visitors being swabbed up the bum has sparked controversy.

Japan is calling on China to stop using the, quote, undignified test, as some passengers said it caused them, quote, psychological distress. And I put the picture in here. Did you see the picture? It's the directions. Is that how you would have self-administered the swab up your bum? One foot up on the toilet, one on the ground. And reaching behind you? No, I think I would have bent over. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, do you wipe from the back or the front? Come on the back. I don don't you don't wipe from the front i do both you what yeah what sadly sometimes it's more of a spackling job but yes um yeah wait a minute i'm not alone i've known you for 30 years and i didn't know that you wiped from the front

i'd say the first wipes are from the front yeah whoa we don't have to get into crazy detail but usually it's like it's not unlike you it's not a mess it's not a disaster under there yeah but don't you bump into your ball sack on the way

you must have the shittiest smelling balls in California no I don't go near them I stop at the butthole but the anus is designed smelling balls in California. No, I don't go near them. I stop at the butthole. But the anus is designed, there's a slide in the back. There's a groove that you can move past. It opens up for you.

You fill that crack with your feces every time you wipe. I use a bidet at this point, so I have no idea what you're talking about. You're still rocking that bidet? Yep. Oh, your bathroom is just absolutely strewn with fecal matter. Yeah, it's probably true. Real papers. Yeah, real papers will solve all this.

They work from the front or back, people. Anyway, you would, you see, but how come with this one, you're going from the front? With which one? Oh. The swab. I didn't say I was going from the front. I said I was bending over. I'm going to bend over and I'm still going to go from behind.

Oh, you are? Yeah. Oh, all right. You're pretty flexible. Yep. I think this is China's new policy, by the way. They might as well just say, don't come here. That's how a country does it.

Right. Oh, okay. All you guys are going to come here for the Olympics? Okay. New national policy. Everyone has to stick something up their ass. Oh, I see. A lot of flights have been canceled.

Okay. Let's skip that and go to... I like Japan. Japan's already been tortured by China. You want to talk about business. Let's do it. Here we go, folks. Okay, so as we talked about, the markets are down, Bitcoin's down. And it just drives me crazy. So everyone's complaining like, oh, my God, the S&P.

Holy. Like, oh, my God, it's over. The bubble's over. Should we should we buy this? Because then if it goes up a little, we'll be able to save all our losses for the year. I mean, 365 days. For the year, I mean 365 days, the S&P right now on this weekend is still up over 14%. Yeah. How are you fucking complaining? Yeah. Five years, the S&P is up 92%. In three years, it's up over 60% still right now with this dip it's ridiculous you're still playing with all of the casinos money you you pussies i'll tell you what bitcoin being down i mean if you

have the stomach for it riding bitcoin could make you so much fucking money. It's so predictable. It's got a floor around 30, 35, and it's got a peak around 60. And if you just keep riding it up to 60, selling it, buying it again when it hits 30, selling it at 60, you would have made money three times this year if you had followed that pattern. I know, but each time it's not as easy to see while it's happening. Like there's new information. So this time, and I, listen, spare us all the Bitcoin freaks and geeks. Don't write in. We don't really care. But I know one headline is, cryptocurrency has never been tested by inflation. And so when inflation happens, they're wondering if this crypto dream falls apart. But I think it's just the opposite.

I think it's a hedge for inflation. You put it into Bitcoin and you don't lose your money in cash. Except this. Let's say you're someone who's done really well because it's the fucking markets up 92 percent still over five years. Interest rates go, let's say they went to four percent, maybe even five. You are absolutely set for life with a guaranteed five percent return. Right. You're set for life. Yeah, but inflation. If you're one of these rich guys who's just absolutely crushed it up over 90% since 2017,

then 5%, you're done. Yeah, but you're forgetting that the cost of living is going up 7% as you're making 5%. I know, but still, the guaranteed 5%? I know, but it's relative. It's relative. You know, Buffett, Buffett a few years ago. Keep in mind, this is a few years ago. When everything's going gangbusters, Buffett was told at some point,

like someone had said, like, well, you know, if interest or something went to like 2.5% or whatever, and he goes, show me to a guaranteed 2.5% or whatever. And he goes, show me a guaranteed 2.5% and I will put every one of my dollars there. Really? I think that's what he said. It might have been higher than 2.5%, but it was surprisingly low is my point.

All right, let's do some letters to the editor. Okay, if we have to. Oh, news section. Just one today that I want to read from kalen colin or kalen take this to heart it might save you hundreds of thousands of dollars you're absolutely right about index funds i said a long time ago that i should have not had a broker this whole time and just put my money into index funds. And like you said, I would be up 90%. Instead, I'm up maybe 25. That's the way to go.

And the small investing fees, 1% to 2% compound over 40 to 50 years can eat up half of your portfolio. Seriously, it's math. So I looked it up, and it really is. It's insane how this 1% compounds so um yeah that is kind of crazy tell mike he's a fool trying to purchase individual stocks and time the market and i've got the data to prove it over the long term about 90 of the pros fail to beat indexing so what shot do you think amateurs have they yeah they fail fail to be the next thing once you factor in their fees, especially.

No, and you don't have to tell me anything. I know I'm a loser. I will say this, by the way, just on your inflation thing. If you already have your big house, because you're one of these rich guys who did the over 90% and all that, and you already have your house and you already have your car, did the over 90% and all that. And you already have your house and you already have your car. Insurance can't compete with putting a guarantee guaranteed four or 5%, you know,

like a return on your income because you've already gotten your big ticket items. Sure. Zucchini costs a little more. You'll, you'll handle it. Right. You know,

let's time for obituaries. I was not looking forward to this part of the show. I hate this week. And that's all folks Louis Anderson was a comedian and actor Who starred in Baskets And created the cartoon series Life of Louis Died in Las Vegas of large B-cell lymphoma At the age of 68

Got his start as a comedian in the early 80s Winning first place at the Midwest Comedy Competition in 81. Became known for his stand-up, appearing on The Tonight Show and stand-up specials before becoming an actor and TV host. He was in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Coming to America, The New Hollywood Squares, and then this Saturday morning cartoon, Life with Louie,

which was actually really cute. I never saw it. Based on his St. Paul, Minnesota childhood. He won two Emmys for his performance. He starred in the short-lived 1996 sitcom The Louie Show and hosted a Family Feud reboot in 1999. He then spent a lot of time in Vegas and shot specials there. And then he began starring in FX series Baskets, playing Christine Baskets, mother of Zach Galifianakis' twin brother character.

He won a third Emmy for his performance on Baskets as well as a Critics' Choice Award. He continued recording comedy specials, including his most recent, Louis Anderson Big Underwear. His TV guest appearances included scrubs drunk history young sheldon he was on search party in 20s as well as being a regular panelist on the game show funny you should ask his scene in search party in the courtroom that went viral this week that was really funny he uh listen knew him. I did not know him. I mean, I, I've, I've had conversations with him, but in no way can I say I knew him, but I never, ever met someone who had something bad to say about this guy.

Yeah. Oh yeah. No, he was extremely well-liked. He was a sweetheart. And, uh, he was one of those people that really enjoyed making you laugh and, and be had that midwestern charm you know like andy richter's got it uh certain people from the midwest they just have this uh matt malloy's got it it's like it's niceness just niceness and yes he was a guy when my first TV appearance in my life was on his show. He booked me on, it was called Louis Anderson's Comedy Showcase on NBC. And it was a big deal. And I went out and before the show, he talked to me and he gave me a pep talk. And I went up and I had a good set.

And then he shook my hand. And then afterwards, we went out to dinner with a couple of the other comedians and it was just very sweet and uh and then he came on my podcast a few years ago and remembered me and was very sweet and uh so i'm reposting that podcast it's up now if you want to hear it it was actually a really good conversation i saw a post where i think it was maybe one of his first carson appearances and you know they're clapping at the top of the, he's like, all right, well, I don't have much time because I'm between meals. He's one of the most underrated standups of all time.

I have never heard, I listen to Sirius XM, you know, comedy clips. Yeah. Never disappointed. clips yeah never disappointed every single bit he does is well crafted it's tight it's funny it's silly it's in his voice he was amazing it's deceiving because you're hearing this nice midwestern delivery and it's sneaky and it's austerity. You know what I, it is really every word counts and he has honed it down to the most efficient, like humor delivery, you know, like that one can, and, and it's very disciplined and, and that's it. That's it. It doesn't seem, like, look at him. He doesn't seem or present like this disciplined, you know, person who's just, you know, really pouring their blood out onto the page. But boy, is he.

Yeah. Yeah. Also this week, we lost Meatloaf. Known for his top selling album, Bad Outta Hell, and for songs including Paradise by the Dashboard Light, I'd Do Anything for Love, But I Won't Do That. What is that? What was I Won't Do That? Well, listen, it's very similar.

So I'd Do Anything for Love, But I Won't Do That. Right, right, right. Clearly it's a song about anal. I know where you're going. But that's very similar to Two Out of three ain't bad, which is hysterical. Yeah, it's great. I want you. I need you.

But there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you. So don't feel bad. Don't feel sad because two out of three ain't bad. That's crazy. They must have been dying laughing when they wrote that song. Yeah. It's like that bruce springsteen lyric you ain't a beauty but a you're all right oh i know uh yeah and doesn't van halen have a you're semi good looking anyway um i heard an amazing description this week

that uh bad out of hell which is like the fifth largest selling album of all time. Right, right. Higher than any Springsteen album, by the way. They said it was as if, this is a great description of Meatloaf and Bad Outta Hell. It's as if Andrew Lloyd Webber produced Springsteen. Interesting. Isn't it yeah because it is very flamboyant and and not in a gay way but like it's very theatrical is the better the lyrics are epic they're it's a saga the songs are like opera you know there is an operatic version. Yeah. He also was in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh, yeah.

Which was great. But he sold more than 40 million copies of the album. Wow. No, Todd Rundgren produced it. You know, there's a really interesting clip. Did you see it where Rundgren goes it you know there's a really interesting clip did you see it where Rundgren goes you know everyone talks about Springsteen but quite honestly in this song we were trying to do the Eagles and he is at a soundboard and he isolates the tracks and it's very Eagles I'll send that to you you should okay you should check that out. It was really interesting. I never, ever

thought about the Eagles when I listened to Meatloaf. So, listen, I love this guy. I'm proud to say, unironically, I thought I loved it for what it was. The guy I thought had an incredibly strong voice.

Sorelli, our good friend John Sorelli, took me to see him in Madison Square Garden. No kidding. We had backstage tickets. I was still, I was working for HBO, but very frustrated because I wanted to be a writer and not just in promos. And, um, all of a sudden I found myself in line and then our laminates, all of a sudden he was signing our laminate. And he looked at me, he's like, what's your name? I'm like, Mike. He's like, Mike, what do you want me to write?

And I literally was like, just write, wake up. And he laughed. He's like, what? He goes, all right. He goes, wake up, Mike. He's like, what do you have to wake up from? I'm like, I'm just not trying. I'm just not doing my thing.

And he's like, then you need to wake up. It was really cool. That's amazing. Do you still have it? I bet I, I don't know. I bet I do somewhere. Dude, you got to find that and post it on Instagram. That would be amazing.

All right. God, I don't even know where I've moved so many times. Because I did wake up and now I'm asleep again. But I woke up for a while. But I'm telling you man that two out of three ain't bad it is and it's then i saw him at the hollywood bowl and it was a a 17 000 person sing-along wow it was incredible damn yeah um now how do we cheer up after the obituaries, Mike? I mean, oh, are we going to do the funnies?

Let's do the funnies. All right. I was going to say drugs, but all right. Lockhorns. Leading off with the Lockhorns. Leroy, they're at a party. There's another couple dancing, and then Leroy is dancing with Loretta, but he's got his arm in the air

and his leg in the air and his eyes are closed like he's drunkenly dancing like a fool. And Loretta says, Leroy learned all his moves by watching an air dancer in front of a car dealership. It's a joke.

It's a joke. I love it. Leroy's sitting in his chair and loretta's standing there with her mother and they're both scowling and he goes is this nagging being monitored for quality assurance purposes all right that brings us i am to do family circus for you this week, Mike. We talked about it. And I'm going to do Blondie. All right. So now the four kids, Billy and someone and someone and someone.

I doubt they're there. You're just a little shits. And they're looking at the clock and they're all clapping and they're cheering. And then they turn around and they go and they say to the mother, who as always looks nonplussed, they say, the big hand caught the little hand. Well, all right. So this was him.

This was Jeff Keen. He's sitting at his desk and he's got a tee time at 10.10. And all he's thinking about is how that big hand is getting closer to the little hand. And he's going to not have enough time to putt, to stretch, to have a cup of coffee at the country club with his friends, to tell a couple racist jokes. And so he's thinking about the concept of one hand reaching the other because of his 10-10 tee time. I've never used nonplussed in my critique of Family Circus, so I like that. That's a word I've sworn off because no one knows what it means, including me most of the time.

But all right. So you're not a fan, it seems. I'm not a fan of the fact that you know when you can when you can deconstruct how he wrote it when you can say that he was literally staring at the clock because he was so miserable that he had to write another one of these shitty strips and he just and he that's where he got his inspiration it's like it's like he was looking at a bottle of jack daniels which he was about to pour from and he wrote it and he wrote a comic strip about it all right here we go blonde are you ready yep dagwood walks into the kitchen and he goes i'd like to make one more point in my defense

and she smugly goes of course dear this this stuck up bitch does not appreciate Dagwood. He works all day. She's a kept woman. I think her boobs are fake. She's wearing this green sweater. She's cheesy. She's tacky. Also, he should totally rip her a new one for dressing that way.

She doesn't have to dress that way. She should be more modest in her presentation. totally rip her a new one for dressing that way she doesn't have to dress that way though she should be more modest in her presentation she must be she makes him jealous on purpose i think she like cucks him constantly so he walks in and she goes but the longer it takes to make your point the longer will take me to put dinner on the table again she's just so nasty to him and she's like just reminding him like all i do is cook for you he can't say anything he's already been attacked he has to say one more thing in his defense and she knows how to put him in his place because all she does is harangue him and he just gives up and he's like case dismissed and then he walks to his chair

as she she just has to run of the household she's taken care of by him oh he's like, case dismissed. And then he walks to his chair as she just has to run of the household. She's taken care of by him. He's not appreciated. And that's how that goes. For a single guy, you sure are a fucking soft, cucky, beta male. The fact that you relate to Dagwood and take his case speaks volumes of your relationships with women and how you can't fucking, you can't stand up for yourself.

She's not. What do you mean? She, I'm, I'm attacking her. She's, she's, she's not a, she's not grateful. She doesn't realize how easy he's made her life. It's great. And there she is figuratively making soup. Look at her, which is basically, I know what she's, that's a metaphor.

She's playing with herself. She doesn't give anything to Dagwood. That's why Dagwood's given up. Yeah. Yeah. She's making soup. She has a fucking catering company, a successful catering company, which she could support herself on.

As soon as she leaves, as soon as she leaves this piece of shit, she's going to have so much more time to devote to the catering company. Oh my God. She'll be lost without him. She's his, he's the anchoring company. Oh my God. She'll be lost without him. He's the anchor of this situation. The anchor. He fucking sleeps on the couch and jerks off at work. He's grounding her. He's the most

the MVP of the relationship. Easily. He doesn't even give her a good dick. Oh my God. And look at him. He doesn't look like a fool at all. He has a nice sweater with the collar outside. I'm going to buy you that sweater and make you fucking wear it. A fucking violet.

It's got little, it's got little details on it. Great. I'll buy Aaron that outfit she's wearing and you'll see how well that goes. It'll be incredibly disruptive to the whole neighborhood. All right, listen, we did it.

We got through a Sunday papers and, uh, we'll be, uh, we'll be coming to you from Pittsburgh, PA next weekend. And Mike, will you be in Santa Monica? Next week. I think

so. Let me see the schedule but I am going to Florida in February, I think. We're paying a little more attention to dad down there. Don't forget to also get involved with expressvpn.com slash papers to get yourself a discount there. And then also you want to get involved with realpaper.com slash papers to get 30% off your first order. Wipe from the front or back.

We want to thank our good friends at Midcoast Media doing a great job. Chris Denman, congrats on his NAACP award. We'll talk. I think we're going to talk to him on the air next week about it. Yeah. Now, did he get nominated for his work that he does with us for the NAACP? That might be the WP. Beth Hoops and Key are also making it all happen every week.

Absolutely. All righty, man. When are you back in town? I'm back tomorrow watching the Rams game. That's an early one. What time are you back here? Well, I tape them. I can't watch football in real time.

I need to fast forward. So I get in around 1230. I'll start watch football in real time. I need to fast forward. So I'll, I get in around 1230. I'll start watching the game around 130. Oh, is he, is you're in an ideal situation. Do you catch up live in the fourth quarter? That would be ideal. And with, with five minutes left to go, that's about when I want to catch up. Yeah. It's hard though. A lot of spoilers out there. Yeah. I don't look at anything. I don't look. I don't look at my phone while I'm watching. Oh, interesting. Well, before you watch, even.

Go Rams! I guess so. All right, I'll take that. I'll take your 50 bucks. Yeah, I'll give you the 50 bucks if they win. Oh, that's nice of you. Don't you do that anyway? All right, we'll catch you guys next week.

Oh, I heard last week you didn't tell our devoted listeners to take it eesh. Oh, no. Really? Yes. I read comments. Oh, shit. So why don't you lead it off this week? Take it eesh.

There it is. Take it eeshy. Take it eeshy. There it is. Take it easy. We'll take you any place you can pay for Here at Sunday Papers Scream and shout and read all about it