Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 99 1/30/22

Episode Date: January 30, 2022

From ice cold Syracuse NY we bring you news about Jerry Falwell Jr’s wife banging the pool boy, the pope telling parents to love their gay kids as if they had a disease, and Disney defending their use of dwarves. Oh yeah and the Neil Young thing.

. I liked it last week when you screened before I plugged my headphones in. I kind of escaped a trauma. Read all about it. Syracuse, New York. The Cuse. There's no excuse for Syracuse. Read all about it.

Nothing happening in today's news in Syracuse. Literally nothing happening in Syracuse. Look at you, you poor bastard. Oh, my God. All right, we were supposed to do stuff this past week, and you bumped up your flight a day early to get there because of the storm of the century that's coming through. The storm of every century, I guess.

Yes. So what's the deal? Accumulation? Snow? What? Zero. I flew in a day early. I canceled a perfectly nice tea time with you and Malloy. I had a date. We don't have to say it was golf. I had a date with my wife that night.

I was going to throw a move on her. I spaced them out now, 48 hours apart. And then. The moves? The moves. Okay. I think she's going to see the pattern. She'll know it's coming.

All of a sudden, she'll start talking about how bad the snow is going to be in Syracuse, totally making it up. You know, there's a heat wave coming to Phoenix. You better get in ahead of that heat wave. You should listen. There is a new strain of Omicron. You should really lay low in Syracuse for a few weeks. Yeah. You know, now that you're home, I really think you should quarantine for a few days in the other room. That's actually happening.

I imagine. So you heard about this new strain of Omicron. It's way more contagious than the very contagious Omicron, but I don't think. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, there really is one. It's already in Los Angeles too, but it's all over the world. Um, and so that, I mean, who knows what it'll do,

but apparently it's not very, uh, the effects aren't effects aren't worse. And how's AIDS chugging along? AIDS the virus? Yeah. The HIV virus? It never split off.

AIDS didn't get a lot of variants, did it? It kind of just stayed AIDS. Classic AIDS. That's interesting. Classic AIDS. That's a good name for a show. Period piece, clearly. That's interesting. I never thought about it that way. Why there wouldn't have been new... I mean, there probably were. We just don't know about it. Right. So now I guess it'll come down to we'll all just get

covid shots when we get our flu shots there'll just be another vax that you do every year yeah once it becomes an endemic well they're saying there's uh pills also really so yeah you've heard that there's a lot been a lot of chatter about the vaccine pill. Oh. Yeah, yeah. So maybe it'll get that easy. I don't know. Maybe it'll be like Tylenol.

Ah, got to take a couple of COVID pills before I go to sleep. Yeah. Sleep it off. Well. I don't know where it's heading. Back to the weather, pal. back to the weather pal what uh right now is it happening right now that boston is getting pummeled by this storm yeah i think boston and new york and uh long island you're right syracuse somehow it didn't really reach us but my flight home i can either fly home at 7 a.m

but go through philly where there is snow or i can leave at 11 45 and go through charlotte north carolina so i think i'm going to go with the later flight so no matter what you head in the wrong direction to start your journey exactly and i'm and i will be missing the rams game and the chiefs game ah you should stay there. And I don't think that flight to Philly or Charlotte has, I don't think they have TVs. They don't have TVs. No, I will be, I'm going to put a message on. We're on a thread.

Mike and I are on a thread called the Irish Mafia, and it's got a lot of chatter. And I'm going to ask people to kindly not spoil the game for me on that thread. Because they will otherwise. A couple of wordles have been spoiled on there. Yeah. How was your wordle today? How many did it take you?

I didn't do it. You know what? I'm all about this podcast. Wow. I didn't even try it. Unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm fully focused. By the way, are you dressed up as one of our coffee mugs? Look at how much maroon you have on. You have your maroon sweatshirt and a maroon hat. I'm a maroon. What's your problem? I'm a maroon. You are a maroon.

Wasn't that in like Bugs Bunny or something? What a maroon. What a maroon. Wasn't that in like Bugs Bunny or something? What a maroon. What a maroon. Isn't it funny because Moron, you know, when I looked on this, my grandfather's birth certificate, which was from Ireland, he was born in like 1900 or something. Yeah.

And his birth certificate, there were categories you had to check off. And it said, speaksish um uh male female and then as you got further down moron idiot there was different categories for moron and idiot in ireland meaning was it kid intellectually disabled right yeah well you right so that's why those words now are, uh, you know, shunned because, uh, idiot, moron, imbecile. Yeah. That might've been one of the ones. Yeah. They're, they're technical levels back then that they assigned a range of IQ, I think. range of iq i think right so uh that's funny and moron was checked on his i thought that's what this story started at i only knew him as drunk but i don't think they knew that back then i don't think that it was too too soon to tell on drunk you know when it says when when his boxes above are like black and white, they're both checked. Straight, both checked. Male, female, both checked. Then morons definitely checked.

He can't read. my he was uh my grandfather his name was florence and he used to do limericks at um at all the family get togethers christmas thanksgiving he'd sit there for hours and do these old irish limericks it was so fucking charming and i'm so sad that there was no videotaping back then i would i would kill to have my old grandfather doing these limericks straight from ireland that he knew he came over here when he was like 14 years old limericks from a moron that would have been his little collection a little like book of poems and they're all wrong nothing rhymes doesn't understand the whole rules of a limerick He doesn't understand the rules of a limerick.

Everything is just big dick. There was a big dick. And the big dick had a big dick. Shut up, Florence. There once was a man. The end. The family circus of limericks. Exactly.

Well, I'm sorry you left early, and it sounds like you didn't have to. Oh, my God. I left early, and this hotel, it's subpar. It's one of the weaker hotels. It's a Marriott, but it's drafty and small, and I can't walk to anything, and they don't serve lunch. So for the last two days, I've had to take an uber i take a 15 uber one mile to the mall where i eat fast food and then take a 15 uber home again and it's seven degrees out and then i pace i literally pace back and forth in this hotel

room just waiting to fucking leave wow well there Well, there's stuff to watch. I'm now getting a little more clarity. Of course, I won't be able to recall them now. But on what movies I need to see and stuff. Well, I just started binging Peaky Blinders, so I'm good to go for a while. I've heard it's very good. It's very good.

You got to use subtitles because they got this thick... Oh, I heard. What town are they in? One of the factory towns and it's set in like 1920 um but it's good it's real good um and then uh and then there's the australian open which i don't want to spoil it for anybody but by the time you hear this on sunday oh it's birmingham with speaking blinders um by the time you hear this on sunday oh it's birmingham with speaking blinders um by the time you hear this on sunday we already know that uh what's her name bardy is one of the women's i haven't watched any of it i'd like to do that and then tomorrow the day this airs nadal plays against

medvedev and they will both here's the beautiful thing we should we wait for sports to talk that's weird okay i want to remind people by the way, I mentioned that I was going to post an old Louis Anderson podcast that I did. That's now up on the server and as well as a Bob Saget. I put up the most recent Bob Saget interview. If you want to listen to those. Nice. I jotted down up top here on our document, Jerry Rafferty. So, Livvy and I were driving to school the other day. And usually she's like, let me, can I play a song? You know, whatever. We'll usually get two songs in on her drive to school.

And so, I get to choose one. She gets to choose one. So, I'm like, all right, what's yours? And I'm just, you know, usually not looking forward to her choice. Although, she has pretty good taste in music. She's like, Jerry Rafferty. I'm like, get out of here. And she's like, yeah, right down the line. I'm like, really? And it was just such a bonus. Cause that's something that maybe I would have chosen, you know, as my, as my song that day. And, uh, I'm like, why is that? She's like, oh, it's in euphoria oh i'm like you're kidding me so anyway

we get in a conversation about you have you you watch season one of euphoria i feel like a pedophile even hitting play on netflix for euphoria because it's kind of a sexual teen drama right oh my god yeah yeah i can't well there's rape there's there's bullying to the point where they beat a guy within inches of his life. It's so the big argument that is going on in the country is kids are telling their parents that euphoria is more realistic than we think. Really? Which is outrageous. And so in Jerry Rafferty's on, we get in that same conversation and she's like no no you don't understand like it is she's like why aren't you watching season two i'm like it's just so over

the top and it's it's crazy and uh she's like dad and does the realistic argument and i'm like olivia there's she's like every one of those storylines. I know a story like that in my high school life. I'm like, Olivia, you do not know a parent that is sleeping with a trans student. And they're bad, you know, and also she's like and defensively she goes, no, but I know a student is sleeping with a teacher. No, really? Offensively, she goes, no, but I know a student who's sleeping with a teacher. No. Okay.

Oh, really? So I look over. I'm like, wait a minute. And I'm like, what? I go, hold on. I go, are we talking about your school? She's like, no, another school. And I'm like, and I go, wait, and who's the student?

And it's like, it's a girl. I'm like, oh, no, because of course I have that double standard yeah of course and i'm like wait no no and she and i'm like wait you know about this i go this is something you would blame me for like having a knowledge of it and kind of treating it lightly and not i'm like you're gonna say so you were aware of this rape going on and then she said in her defense, she goes, it's not my business. Of course, I'm about to explode when she says that. And then she goes,

no, no, it's being handled. The parents are involved. Oh, okay. The school's involved. But, and then she goes, but they love each other. Well, he definitely loves her. I don't know what she's feeling for him

i don't know about his future in-laws how psyched they are wow yeah so maybe these kids have a point with euphoria like that surprised no there was a kid on uh my son's soccer team whose father was not allowed at the games because he had been a teacher at a very tony private school in los angeles and had slept with several girls whoa yeah and i think he went to jail for a little while and then he was out and he used to sneak in he used to sneak into the games and he would stand by himself and watch the games we were like dude you're not allowed to be in a high school get the fuck out of here he's like oh shit this is the games. We were like, dude, you're not allowed to be in a high school. Get the fuck out of here. He's like, oh, shit, this is the one that my kids are at.

I just thought this was high school kids playing. I'll pull over at any field. And then when I was in high school, my hockey coach was sleeping with a girl from another high school. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's, yeah. None of that's cool. Anyway, I might start watching Euphoria just so I can bond more with Olivia on this. And they're playing Jerry Rafferty. Also, she played another cool song last night. Speaking of Jerry Rafferty, when I used to drive Jojo and, you know, her friend Mimi, we'd drive around. JoJo and you know her friend Mimi, we drive around. Their go-to song was Jerry Rafferty, Baker Street, and they would sing every fucking word to it. And I didn't even know they knew the song. I put it on one day, and I look in the rearview mirror,

and they're both singing every single... Kids at this age are sponges for lyrics. It's incredible what they remember. Well, just when they spew out hip hop, like the amount of, you know, uh, lyrics in the, in some of those songs, it's incredible. I know it all. Yeah. Um, it's not like, you know, Zeppelin was standard, like, you know, quatrains, you know what I mean? It was so, so much easier, but, uh, whatchamacallit, uh, and all about the hobbit um the i forget the other song but it was a great like 70s tune like another one from euphoria so i wonder what's going on there well that is no

kids i know kids are very there's an article this week about how into old music kids are now well i do owe it to t to movies and uh tv shows you know like like I know Owen got turned on by a lot of Quentin Tarantino soundtracks and a lot of Wes Anderson soundtracks. There's always cool music in those. Rushmore is a great album. You may not like the movie, but the album is good. Yeah, maybe I'll listen to the album. It's got a lot of like British Invasion stuff on it.

Yeah. It's like, you know, I know kids have gotten very into Yacht Rock and all that type of stuff. Speaking of which, it's not Yacht Rock, but, oh my God, I think my Apple coughed it up. I just said, like, hey Siri, just play music. And all of a

sudden, what's its name? Oh God, the guy who did the Ella Fitzgerald, not the Ella, the Edmund Fitzgerald. Yeah, the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Yeah. What's his name? Gordon Lightfoot. Yeah. Dude, Gordon Lightfoot. Sundown. Unbelievable. That was the song that came on. Unbelievable song. That was that Yacht Rock. I would not call that Yacht Rock, but it's just squarely 70s yeah I think I like yacht rock but I have to be alone I can't have people

over and put on yacht rock but if I'm sitting alone in my office I will definitely put on some Steely Dan that's perfect Syracuse music you're going to have such a great afternoon here's how depressed I am I just listened to The River by Bruce Springsteen and almost cried.

Why would you do that where you are right now? I know. I know. Oh, my God. It's just about fucking broken factory dreams and people who are living lives based on the past. Oh, my God. Aaron doesn't want any of this coming back to la um we want to thank uh laser machine for today's music outstanding really enjoyed it laser is uh that's the name of the band by the way yeah and the logo is very cool it's the beatles with you

and i in there i guess you're the in there. I guess you're the... I'm the enlightened one. You're the enlightened one, yes. Yeah, I sure am. I'm the guru, man. That's from Brett Kerr. Kerr, K-E-R-R. Couple corrections.

Loved the show this morning, but the Boston Marathon does not go through South Boston and starts in Framingham, which isn't in Western Massachusetts. Thanks, Rick. All right, Rick, well, listen. I got confused because my two favorite days in Boston were the Boston Marathon and the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

And I guess I was thinking about the parade going through South Boston, which is also a marathon of sorts. It starts at nine in the morning and you drink until two o'clock the next morning and there's people with shit in their shorts uh in the middle of the street yeah um and then uh you said black lash instead of backlash before correcting yourself the timing was great and it doesn't matter if it was an accident or planned. It was funny. JJ, it was planned, and thank you. Yeah, that was intentional.

I chuckled. On January 23rd, you said Ross Broccoli is an ingenue. I think you did say that. I think I did say that, and that would mean Ross is, quote, an innocent or unsophisticated young woman especially in a player film oh you nailed it all right thank you Wade Daniels yeah I don't know what I I always thought an ingenue is just somebody who was like um uh kind of a renaissance man or somebody who was redoing doing things in a different way it's a

that's exactly the opposite of what it was well that would be quite that would be using it uh in that way would uh would hit that definition but like isn't the root of the word ingenious isn't it ingenue ingenious you're the one who uh flailed in high school french for three years i did me i did not i and two years in college oh did you really wow my next door neighbor now is from france his name is flo and uh sometimes i try to talk to him a little bit but i haven't really i haven't really tried too much because i'm afraid that i can speak it, but I can't understand it. So it becomes a little bit of a one-way conversation. How did I get out of—I didn't take any language in college.

I don't know how that happened. Is that required? You must have—did you accomplish it in high school? I doubt it. I mean, I took your standard three years of Espanol. That's probably enough. I think I failed one standard three years of Espanol. That's probably enough. I think I failed one of my years. Oh.

Yeah. All right. You know what I did? Well, of course, Hackley, your sister and your brother went there. Hackley made me take Latin in eighth grade. No shit. Boy, I hated it. But, man, does that set you up. Like, they know what they're doing. That's a smart move. Yeah. Yeah. No shit. be in lexington kentucky at comedy off broadway on february 24th through the 26th and the next

night i will be in omaha nebraska at the waiting room that's february 27th st patrick's day you're going to join me this year at the improv for st patrick's day oh wow do some say do some stand-up comedy yeah i'll go on my uh west side story. You've already seen that. Oh, yeah, that's right. We'll talk about it, I guess, when we get to entertainment. But what the fuck? Have you seen it? No, no. All right.

Why would I do that? Well, you got the screener, so you can watch it. But anyway, we'll get to that. Wait, hold on. We got to pause the podcast for a second because my batteries are suddenly really low on my recorder. You're going to slice your wrist? I'm going to swat it. We got to pause the podcast.

And then you take a gun and splatter it in the back wall with your brains. All right, let's talk about the people that put some cash in our pockets and pay Midcoast Media. Just Egg. Oh, I'll do that. Oh, my God. I got my Just Egg. You got it, too?

I got it. Two kinds. I got the frozen basil-y omelets, and then I got the liquid in the bottle. The liquid in the bottle, the batter. It's unbelievable. If you're somebody that is looking to lower your cholesterol, I'll be honest with you. I just like how simple it is.

It's nutritious, just egg. And it's also good for the environment. You know, the whole egg industry is really bad, but these are cholesterol-free, plant-based egg. It gives you these, like I make egg sandwiches. It comes in like a little square patty, and you would not know it was not a real egg. It tastes just as good.

No, and I might have unhealthied it up a little because I treated it just like eggs. And I had sausage in that pan first. I then put peppers, onion. I had all that stuff going. Poured it in just. And by the way, I poured it in, did the salt and pepper just as I would, you know, when I'm whipping up eggs. And it was amazing. Right.

the salt and pepper just as I would, you know, when I'm whipping up eggs. And it was amazing. Right. So, you know, listen, get yourself some of this action from us. It's guilt free. Show off the new cholesterol free you by buying a bottle of Just Egg today and doing the planet a solid all at the same time just egg really good eggs so they sent me two bottles and what a gift it was no joke to my mom and stepfather because he is like constantly on the search on how to cut down cholesterol like everything it's like you should see him when the steak comes cutting the fat out of every part of it all that stuff so they lost their minds over, and you get, you get the same amount of protein as a chicken egg and less, less saturated fat. So it's a, it's great. Also, this episode is sponsored by, uh, Cometeer. Cometeer is the first coffee to melt. They send you these, they're, they're pods.

They're just like what you would put in like a Keurig machine, except you don't have to deal with cleaning the Keurig machine, the Keurig machine not working, refilling the water tank. You just take it, you boil some water, and you take the pod, you dump it into the water. And it makes like as good as like when I go to Zinc and I pay $4 for an Americana, it's as good as that. It's amazing coffee. So, you know, their theory, it's kind of like the flash frozen fish, that it's fresher if they arrest it right then by freezing it. So that's their concept, which I like a lot. And it's not just like the other pods in that these are the first 100% curbside recyclable pods.

So there's a tremendous amount. If you're aware of the whole Keurig thing, there's a lot of guilt associated. Some guys have done those studies on how much of the landfills are filled with those things, and you have none of that with this. No, the guy that invented the Keurig pods wishes he never did. He feels guilt about it. Yeah. So you can make iced coffee with this.

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Hot water right in it. Speaking of, uh, speaking of enjoying, uh, things that you put in your mouth and your house, there's the transition. Uh,

hello, fresh. Hello, fresh. I like the title because it's literally, There's the transition. Hello, Fresh. Hello, Fresh. I like the title because it's literally, there's no better feeling than opening your front door and looking outside, and there is your Hello, Fresh box. Hello, Fresh.

Hello, Fresh. That's what my teacher used to say to me every morning. These are quick, easy easy meals it takes about 20 minutes to make it 30 minutes or less i i guarantee you i that's my guarantee to you unless you're a really slow cook i mean i can't control how slow quick but a normal person can make this whole thing and and that now cut out the time that you didn't drive to the grocery store and hunt down special ingredients for a meal that you haven't even started cooking yet. And it will save you money 72% cheaper than a restaurant meal of the same quality. And you can save, on average, over $65 per month when you order HelloFresh instead of grocery shopping.

No, please. It's like all of a sudden the prep work's all done. It's like I have my prep cook already there. And usually I'll buy like a giant thing that the recipe calls for cilantro or it calls for whatever. And then I'm throwing out like four-fifths of the thing. Right, exactly. I've only used a fraction of it.

But what I liked about it,, it was really quality stuff. And even though they like set me up unbelievably well, I still felt like I accomplished something. I'm like, I made this. Yes. Yeah. And I would have never like, oh, gotten a little bit of miso.

And then I would have just been like, whatever, salt and pepper. And so like, they're really impressive and actually like like complex tasting but all of it's measured out for you it's a no-brainer well me and Aaron are empty nesters now so we're starting to focus more on cooking and we just had a really nice experience cooking something together so go to hellofresh.com slash papers 16 the number one six and use codeAPERS16 for up to 16 free meals. What? And three free gifts.

Man, they are really making this easy. Remember, go to Hellofresh.com slash PAPERS16 and use code PAPERS16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts. America's number one meal kit, HelloFresh. Wow. You got a paper to crankle, Mike Gibbons? Are you kidding me? Here we go. It's called the front page, LA Times.

The paper, not really of record. Here we go. There it is. Extra, extra, we all have found it. Extra. All right, here he is, our headliner today, Pope Francis. Frankie. Frankie called on parents not to condemn their children if they are gay.

Whoa. Okay, wait a minute. This sounds too good to be true. The message was dedicated to St. Joseph, the father of Jesus. Well, was he, though, the father of Jesus? I don't know. Is he saying Jesus is gay and Joseph dealt with it? Wait a minute, Frank. Well, Jesus did have long hair and ripped abs. Who knows?

All he did was hang with dudes. Speaking off the cuff, Francis said he was thinking and he loved fine woodworking speaking off the cuff francis said he was thinking of how parents should react in the face of their children's problems including sickness and permanent illness okay francis you were doing good like homosexuality yeah and to these parents i say don't be scared yes there is pain a lot yeah but they say that after a few times it gets better um but think of the lord think of how joseph solved the problems and asked joseph to help you never condemn a child i still i'm not following this logic what is joseph's inspiration to him what well maybe the fact that like you know you can deal with a gay kid if he could deal with a kid

that he didn't fuck the mother of that's a lot to deal with that's a lot to wrap your head around and still accept a child because back in those days you have to understand something if your wife gets pregnant by somebody else you either kill her or you throw her in the wilderness. You don't keep her and raise a Lord Jesus Christ out of it. He was a stepfather, right? I mean, does everybody view Joseph as a stepdad? He's a stepdad and a cuck. And a cuck.

I guess so. And I don't know. I think what he's saying is, remember, parents, your kid being molested by a priest does not make him gay. I know it kind of sounds like Frank's talking. Francis is talking about his children, which are the priests. Listen, if your kid joins the clergy and rapes many children, do not condemn that child, which in this case is the man, not the real child who's being raped. Don't condemn that poor child who's doing all the raping. Oh, my God. I got out scot-free, man. I was so Catholic. I was CCD classes. My brother was an altar boy. Nobody touched us. Nobody touched us.

Then I found out years later because our friend, her mother and father were Eucharistic ministers, which means they were like, you know, the VIPs in the church. And she told me they knew the priests. The priests were banging everybody, all the women in town. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. I thought that story was, I thought you were like, you know, no one touched us. And then years later, I find out I was raped constantly.

And then I went to this thing called therapy. Yeah. Yeah. You're about 36 and you've lost that strength to completely stifle that memory. Speaking of religion, let's talk about our good friends the Falwells Becky Falwell the wife of disgraced former Liberty University leader Jerry Falwell Jr. revealed that she used to make sex tapes with her much younger pool boy ex-lover Giancarlo Granda I mean did somebody write a porn script? Is this taken out of a movie? Giancarlo Granda, the pool boy, is fucking the Christian wife?

Giancarlo, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It is. It's like, oh, come on. That's too on the nose. So Granda, the pool boy, claimed that Jerry enjoyed watching him have sex with Becky after they met in Miami in 2012 when Granda was 21. He even claimed they formed a thruple, a polyamorous group, a couple who invited a third person to join in.

Yeah, it's the holy, the unholy trinity. The father, the son, and his wife. Oh, my God. Falwell, I just love when these people fall in disgrace. I know. Oh, my God. Falwell. I just love when these people fall in disgrace. I know. Right in the name. And then he went on to say that he denied it,

but he did admit to Vanity Fair that he once walked in on Becky and Granda in bed. Granda in bed, I guess. And claimed to have been traumatized by the sight of another man having sex with his spouse. And I'm sure Falwell was traumatized by the sight of another man having sex with his spouse because he watched it over and over and over again. Thousands of times he had his eyes clamped open like someone strapped into a chair like Clockwork Orange. And he watched it day and night. Oh, the trauma.

Yeah, you know, because I would think that the whole church should watch it because it would be the only sanctioned porn because these are holy people having sex on tape. They should sell it. I'm surprised they haven't sold it yet. Well, it's like that pam and tommy i i guess it's on hulu now that pam and tommy lee no yeah that movie about it and they show the sex scene in the movie well no but i mean it's all about it it's all about

the decision how the tape got leaked or you know how it got put out there and i forget all the details on that if it was intentional or it was stolen, how much money they made. I used to know. I think I used to know more about it. But anyway, I'll watch that. I mean, hopefully it's good. I saw him at a party, a Christmas party this year. And I spun around.

I was talking to somebody, and I spun around, and I saw him. And I just thought, oh, this is a guy who's an old friend because he looks so familiar. So I was like, oh, this is a guy who's an old friend because he looks so familiar. So I was like, hey, what's up, man? And he's like, he's like, hey, what's up, dude? And I was like, oh, fuck, it's Tommy Lee. And and he was with this his wife, who's very beautiful, beautiful, younger woman. And I thought he would have gotten older. God, I remembered him from. I thought he would have gotten older. Go ahead.

I remembered him from, I went on the Jimmy Kimmel show and I was doing standup and I walked out and he was the previous guest and he was sitting on the couch with a woman who was also the previous guest because she just turned 100

and I did half of my set with shitting on him for trying to have sex with the lady while he was on the couch. I do hear he's like the nicest guy. He's the nicest guy. I invited him to my show later that night at the improv. Nice.

He must have loved it. He loved it. Loves comedy. Oh, I was kidding. He showed up? Yeah. Oh, wow. Rock and roll.

Yeah. You want to read this dirty story? We can skip it. It was just crazy. Oh, no. There's too many details. Let's skip that story. Um, you want to read this dirty story? We can, we can skip it. It was just crazy. Uh, no, there's too many details. Let's skip that story. Uh, all right.

Read the next one then. All right. A couple recovering from COVID couldn't smell the smoke when their house caught fire, but their toddler saved the family. So Kyla and Nathan doll were fast asleep when their toddler approached their bed one recent morning to utter two of the few words he knows so far. Wait, his name is Kayla and it's a boy? No, Kayla's the mom and Nathan. Kayla and Nathan were fast asleep. The toddler walked in.

His name is Brandon and goes, Mama hot. And he said it while tugging the mom's foot. So initially she thought her son just wanted his pajamas removed. Okay. That that's literally an article. And so I'm reading this. I'm like, wait, like he had a hot steamer in his PJs. Like what?

Maybe, or maybe the, maybe the kid's got a foot fetish because he's pulling on his foot and saying mama hot but seconds later she realized what her youngest child was trying to tell her the family's one-story colonial house in alvord texas was engulfed in flames none of the smoke detectors in their home went off and the dolls who had recently tested positive for the coronavirus hadn't been able to smell the smoke filling their home. They just figured all the coughing was from the COVID. By the way, Mama Hot is also what Jerry Falwell says when he walks in on his wife in the pool boy.

That's also. They couldn't smell the smoke because they were sleeping with masks on because of the COVID. Did you put that in of the bottom one here or did Chris just put that in? I think Chris must have written that. Finally, we can all say, let's go, Brandon. I like that one. Figures Chris would write that. Well, he's like, I've been saying it every day,

all day, but finally all of us can say it. That's crazy. Five kids, by the way, in that house. And it was the toddler who woke up. In a one-story house. You're right.

Why wouldn't they have been coughing? Yeah. Crazy. All right, new segment. Hold on. We've only done this segment a few weeks. It's called Good News for Gubbins. This week's Good News for Gubbins story, Dennis Gubbins. Pregnant man features, hold on.

Oh, that's a weird way of writing the article. Let's here we go. A pregnant man is one of the 37 new emojis coming to iPhones in Apple's iOS 15.4 update. Apple's own designs for the 37 new emojis have been revealed. It says a pregnant man and a pregnant person are more gender inclusive options. It says a pregnant man and a pregnant person are more gender inclusive options. But the two new pregnant emoji could also potentially be used as, quote, a tongue in cheek way to display a food baby, a very full stomach caused by eating a large meal. So a little back story.

Gubbins always shits on himself for how much he eats. And so he's always like, and he's used the phrase, I got a food baby. So now this emoji will express Dennis's feelings to all of us in such a shorter way. His belly is so big right now. It's unbelievable. It's big and round and freckled. Wait a minute. I think only Dennis can shit on his tummy, not you.

I have a big one also. I hold it out next to his. But are they also just trying to keep it woke by saying a man can also get pregnant? Here's my opinion i think yes is the answer but my opinion is they wanted to be able to put this joke because it's like i wish there was like a food coma emoji so you know what i mean like i don't really use emojis a lot but wouldn't you want to be like oh my god especially with everyone like getting stoned and watching Netflix and stuff. Like, you tend to eat whatever's in the fridge.

And you're like, ugh. And it's just you want to send that. It's almost like a, you know, anyway, just a fat blob emoji. Yeah. But listen, there's also other good news. There's a new emoji of a white hand taking a vaccine out of a brown hand. And I think that's the one that Govins is going to be using the most. Govins, how could you?

Even the top-off vaccination? All of them? It's renewable. Constantly renewable. Yeah. There's going to be no shortage of vaccines that Dennis is going to rip out of the hands of the have-nots. I like your joke. You're not going to read your joke here?

No. Food, baby. I'm going to take a shit baby when I get home from Syracuse. Here's the thing about me, Mike. I don't know if I've ever told you this. Okay. I don't shit when I go on the road. Like, I've been here. What? i've been here since thursday it's

now saturday late in the day and the triangle on the corner of the toilet paper in the hotel bathroom is still intact i have not broken the crease in the toilet paper and i shall not believe that i don't believe that because you you usually your your hotel room is strewn with crumped up toilet papers from other activity no i use them what are you fucking kidding me when i go to a hotel there's no tissue there's towels baby and not the little not the little jerk off towel they try to give you that little tiny towel no way i take that bath towel i drape it across my chest and belly i go to town also i did think you dumped on the road because usually didn't you say you take a big dump in the bed and that's where you put the tip for the maid right

next to it and that would still preserve the toilet paper still unused uh no i, I mean, once in a blue moon, I do. And I don't even think about it. Just subconsciously, I don't shit on the road. Here, welcome to our new clean podcast. Family friendly. We're going entertainment. That's dis-entertainment. All right.

All right. all right all right okay tell me about uh oh yeah ozark what's the deal yo uh are you caught up are you on the newest season all right i have to yeah i i think and there's not a commentary on ozark i think I fell asleep. It was really late, and I tried to go for three, and I watched two. It was after one in the morning. I also got a little bit. This season? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have more memory of the first one,

but I have to go back and fast forward through the second one to see. I did think either the second one to the third one got a little slow maybe but keep in mind it's such a high bar because i really love the show um what do you think the opposite i feel like they've got it pinned the whole time i feel like they really ratchet it up there's just always something happening that's making you clench your fists and go like, what the, um, I, I think that the, if this isn't the final season, I'll be shocked because it feels like how breaking bad was in the final season where you go like,

oh, they're going to leave nothing on the table here. They're just going. I, I believe it is the final season. So, and I, and so I think they're going into with that knowing it, which will affect things. Obviously I can't decide whether, and I think I mentioned going into it knowing it, which will affect things, obviously. I can't decide whether, and I think I mentioned this to you the other night, whether the daughter is super hot or really weird looking. Yeah, you did mention that. She looks different this season. I mean, the boy, it's unbelievable how much he's grown up. Yeah.

But she does look different, and I think she's very how much he's grown up yeah but she does look different and i think she's very attractive no yeah i think she's attractive oh is that where you came out on that i just put this moments where they show her and you go like wow what a weird looking face she has like almost like ancient greek features you know like the super high cheekbones and the large forehead and the strong chin jesus take it easy greg i'm gonna have to get what the hell oh my god more towels please room 302 again all right what is someone somewhere oh that's that show oh you guys told me about that It's on I believe it's HBO Max And why am I forgetting The woman's name

She is phenomenal Alright I'll just Let's leave it as a teaser And say everybody watch Someone Somewhere This week And we'll discuss next week Because it's the best new show on TV

In a very long time It's not the British woman, Olivia. Nope. She's an American. She's a woman that I, that I actually know a little bit because she did an episode of crashing and she's a cabaret singer who is like six foot one and she probably, I'm not going to put a number on her way. Oh no, no, no. Yeah. She's Schumer's friend.

Yeah. She's Amy Schumer's good friend. Of course. She's on her podcast with her yeah i should know her name but okay all right wow but anyway her her show is just dynamite great yeah um i'm also oh yeah bridget everett yeah thank you chris i am also now binging peaky blinders so that's exciting. You saw my West Side Story rant. So here it is. I put it out. Oh, last week I put out send new music that like people really, you know, with artistic integrity that you could, you know, lose yourself in because you're just feeling that passion. So I should share them with you.

I got I think on Twitter, but I got some responses and maybe next week I'll, I'll read some of them and they were all new to me, the names that people like suggested. So, you know, mission accomplished there. So this week, I guess the assignment listeners is, am I missing something with West Side Story? Because it's, you know, it's swept the, nevermind Broadway, but it's swept the Oscars. And, um, and then now Spielberg's redone it and everyone's really loving it, it seems. But like I, so, you know, I thought I hated, uh, musicals all my life. And then people are like, Hey, what about Sound of Music?

I was like, well, that doesn't count. And then they're like, what about Mary Poppins? I'm like, well, that, you know, and what about Willy Wonka? I'm like, well, that doesn't. And it turns out. And then I, yeah, exactly. Grease as well. So some of them like snuck under my radar, but then I went to full on musical, the musical of musicals, uh, singing in the rain and singing in the rain is if it's not in somebody's top 10 of all time films, I really don't respect the list.

That's how much I was blown away by Singing in the Rain. Okay. So I'm a guy who's open to musicals. In fact, I really love good musicals. I, West Side Story gets me angry, like, like viscerally angry. I was in a fucking, I couldn't finish Spielberg's. I tried. And I went in with that mindset, like it's me.

So, you know, people grow. I might like it this time. Have you seen, when was the last time you saw West Side Story? It's been a lot of years, but I have very fond memories of it. You like dancing gang members. it you like dancing gang members i love the dancing gang members when you're a jet you're a jet to the end for your first cigarette to your last dying day jesus how about officer crumpy crump you or whatever bullshit word play useless song crunk you oh jesus and listen okay there's maybe three good tonight, Maria. There's like three

good songs, OK? In it, I would put on a musical like level. But all right. You and I are in the writer's room. Let's just walk through this, because what I view West Side Story as is a bunch of Upper West Side Jewish intellectuals. We can even leave Jewish out of it. A bunch of elitist intellectuals on the upper west side take a story keep in mind this is a fucking remake they take romeo and juliet and they apply it to their version of uh the mean streets do you know last night my stepfather told me that originally west side story was called and it sounds like a joke, East Side Story, and it was written about Jewish street people. No kidding.

I haven't fact checked that, but I have no reason to believe, like he wasn't joking. And how could you make that up? And what's his name did the music, right? Bernstein. Bernstein. Bernstein. The guy, he just died, right? And Sondheim? No, these are the guys, the guy, he just died, right? And Sondheim.

No, these are the guys, the elitist I'm talking about. No, Bernstein died a long time ago. No, Sondheim just died. Is that the one that did West side story?

Yeah. No, both did. I mean, he said Sondheim did the book. So you and I are in there and Sondheim comes in. All right. We're in the writer's room and this happens on sitcoms and you've been involved in, you know, it's like, let's get the story straight. And then we could

work on the jokes and all that. Uh, this is what happens in West side story. And I am not even really trying to be funny. This is literally it. Um, Tony comes into Maria and goes, it's in her bedroom window and goes, all right, listen, I know you and I met yesterday afternoon, okay? And 10 minutes ago, I just killed your brother, who you really love. But hear me out. Why don't we fuck right now? And then tomorrow, we'll figure out someplace to run away. And she's like, cool, yeah, let's do it.

Like, I'm sorry. Yeah, but didn't that happen in Romeo and Juliet? yeah let's do it like i'm sorry but didn't that happen in romeo and juliet um i mean do you want to go back and critique the greatest shakespeare play i don't i don't think it was as crude i don't think she knew that he had killed her brother at the time no she absolutely did because what's his face had or his switch or whatever his fucking name was had already told her and then he came in and tried to explain okay a hundred percent and then they fucked montague yeah yeah all right let me go back to still i'm not buying it i don't know there's something i guess less real about r about Romeo and Juliet than, you know, the Upper West Side and pretty contemporary.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question. I don't know. You stumped me, I guess. But there's something about the piece of shit West Side story that gets me. Maybe it's because Shakespeare contextualized it and explained it more instead of just some goofy song like Maria. I don't know. But I hate it. I hate it. I'm going to watch it now because I'm suddenly being flooded back with good memories of the music.

I love the dancing. I love Rita Moreno. Oh, my God. She was incredible. I think she won the Oscar for West Side Story. She's in this new one, too, by the way. Oh, nice. Yeah, she plays a Puerto Rican fighter with a switchblade.

It's weird. They had to give her a role, and so that's the one they gave her. That's all that was left. I guess it's so annoying. The songs, the gangs, all the slang. It's so annoying. Speaking of remakes that annoy you, how about Disney has released a statement

following Peter Dinklage's criticism of the studio live-action Snow White film. A spokesperson for Disney said, quote, to avoid reinforcing stereotypes from the original animated film we are taking a different approach with these seven characters and have been consulting with members of the dwarfism community dinklage dinklage stated that the film took one progressive step forward by casting rachel zegler a a Latina, as Snow White, but is moving backwards because

of the dwarf storyline. Quote, you're making that fucking backwards story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together? What the fuck are you doing, man? Have I done nothing to advance the cause for my soapbox? I guess I'm not loud enough. I think his message was loud enough, but against all odds, it somehow went over our heads. Oh,

come on. Is that, is that the joke you're going to go with? It's a little joke. I just, I just feel bad for the, um, the other dwarfs,

other dwarf actors, you know, like Brad Williams is a, is a guy i know who's a great comic and he's a he's got dwarfism he issued a statement oh did he really i was going to try to get him on the podcast for today but i forgot to that would have been fun what did he say i know he i think he said kind of your your angle believe it or not, that your reaction to this. It's like, hey, man. Which was about.

Yeah, this is the first gig my agents have called me for in like seven years. I've been practicing sneezing, being grumpy, being happy. I've been sleeping, studied medicine, and now you're acting like dopey. Is that the last thing they said that's the last thing yeah that the guy said in the in the bit um i like chris's this is payback for the piece of shit final season of game of thrones this is how they're getting back at him uh all right so a little left turn this reminded me that when we did what's going on here, the hold on, where would it be when we made the Between Two Ferns movie? When I was helping out on that, we did. Dinklage was in that.

By the way, do you know the dopey, according to the story, dopey is mute. As in like dumb. You know how they used to call mute people dumb? Dopey is a mute. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. All right. So I found the email where I emailed in the jokes that were needed for the dinklage between two ferns.

And he was awesome dinklage, by the way. All right. So we have here. Before we start, the easy thing to do is I make short jokes and you make a fat joke about me. But I think we're bigger than that. And then Zach hangs his head already having made a bigger reference. And he's like, no, I mean, we're above that. And he hangs his head again. And so it's going to be this whole series of like oh fuck this is impossible

so uh then there were a bunch of other jokes where so it was like when you got the script for elf were you surprised how small your role was were you you were in both Angry Birds movies. Is that a little embarrassing? You were born in New Jersey. Where about? Weehawken? Were you near the Short Hills Mall?

You have such a great voice. Do you do a lot of voice under? I mean, voice over work? Want a coffee? Hey, Carol, can you get a tall cappuccino? So after college, you moved to the Big Apple? Your first love was the stage. What stage actors do you look up to?

Do you think Game of Thrones is going to be the height of your fame? So anyway, it was unending, but we didn't do, I don't think we did any of those. Did he do that idea though? Did he make short jokes? I don't think so. I'm trying to remember what we did. I know he would, so he takes acting very seriously and he would break. And like some between two ferns people, he'd be very hard on himself because he broke. Right. He really was like, I am not going to laugh. Like, I know what this assignment is.

You know, let's do some Florida bands. Hold on. I'm looking back at this. I think we just did typically insulting ones that were not based on his height. Florida, man, here it comes. All right. I have to find the script again. You'd think I had 40 screens open here. Is Florida man mine? Yes. Encourage parents to sue schools or teachers that engage in these topics is speeding through the statehouse and the Senate. And it's been called the Don't Say Gay Bill. How about that?

But instead of gay, the Florida bill says there are alternatives. Please stick to the words fairy, Nancy's or poofs. Fruits will also be allowed this is florida fruit is allowed yeah uh so so basically they're saying we have to this is amazing the republicans who have always been the party of saying that the that the left is censoring things. It goes back and forth. First the Republicans censor, and then the Democrats censor, and then the other side always screams censorship

at the other side. And now they're saying you can't teach anything to do with making people uncomfortable about race, of anything that's happened in our past, including slavery, that might make white people uncomfortable. I mean, this is insane. No, I know.

Well, also, there's been a big flip, which is, hey, snowflakes, not everything is about feelings. Your feelings getting hurt. And now it's a big thing like, hey, you're hurting the feelings of the people in power. Or how about on a bigger scale, like Kyle Rittenhouse, I feel scared. So I get to shoot somebody to death because that's how I feel. Right. It's very,

listen, they're desperately, you know, it seems the right is keeps offering no solutions except just to starve the, you know, the system and, uh, and see where the chips fall.

I don't know. All right, let's do some international. Okay, we can just switch gears right to international instead of talking about the right, the oversensitive right. And we'll be offended by what we just said. All right, this is your story. I like it. An employee at a footlocker in Ontario, Canada,

has been accused of ejaculating in sneakers before giving them to prospective customers to try on. A 27-year-old manager shared a video on his social media accounts multiple times in which he can be seen in the inventory room completely naked and admitting to ejaculating inside a shoe before bringing it to a customer look the weirdest thing about this story is not that he's jerking off in sneakers it's that he gets completely naked to do it wait also if i'm reading the story correctly he got completely naked just to brag about it

it wasn't even while he was doing it right that's crazy well the term sneakerhead comes to mind if we're going to do puns also you know they they call sneakers slips now i know why slips i it's like how does that feel? Yeah, you got enough room in the toe? Yeah, yeah, room in the toe. All right, let's take them off. Oh, they won't come off? Come on, you can get it off.

Just pull a little harder. I forgot socks. You know, I don't need socks. I'm all right. Let me just try them on without socks. Yeah, they feel good? All right, why don't you stand up and take them for a squish? I mean, for a walk. What is this guy? I mean, I don't know. I'm sure, you know, what's his name?

There was a guy, Trump's one of Trump's wives. You know, of course, he cheated on every single wife, including the current one. Of course, he cheated on every single wife, including the current one. One wife he cheated on was Marla Maples, who was a very attractive woman. And her PR guy, I believe, or their PR guy, was caught doing sexual things with her shoes. Oh, that's right. Yes. Yeah. I don't know how they caught him, but the shoe fetish thing is, or the foot fetish thing. Well, you, do you get turned on by stilettos or high-heeled shoes?

I remember, what's his name on, what was the, Al Bundy? Wasn't Al Bundy a shoe salesman with a foot fetish? Oh, I know he was a shoe salesman. I don't know about that. Oh, wait. Now, hold on. Chris is writing, no, he complained about fat women coming in daily. No.

Wow. All right. Groundbreaking show. We knew that. Let's talk about another international story a land mine land mine hunting rat that was awarded a gold medal for heroism for clearing ordinance from the cambodian countryside has died magawa a giant african pouched rat helped clear mines from about 20 225 000 square meters of land after detecting more than 100 land mines he retired in june he passed away peacefully this weekend at the age of eight

and was then served with rice and mixed vegetables about an hour later. Do you know how many people are probably still online to get the gold medal for heroism and this rat got it before grandpa? Yeah, right. what is going on also aren't you using a rat because uh it it could die and that's the whole idea like better than a human detecting a landmine yeah you don't reward the the the uh control set he's um it says here also that he was because it his amazing sense of smell, he could cover an area the size of a tennis court in 30 minutes,

something that would take four days using a conventional metal detector. Who the fuck is putting landmines on tennis courts? That seems what a way to go. Also, don't bury him. Can't you still at least find one more mine by skimming his dead hard corpse across a tennis court? Just keep using that bastard. Yeah. Oh, man.

Should we read about this British man or are we skipping that? I think skip that. We already have enough dirty guys. All right, let's do some sports. Oh, here it comes. Well, Mike. Oh, here it comes. Well, Mike. Oh, what a week. As we get to two weeks left in the football season,

or two days of football left in the football season. Two game days left. You are $60 down for the season on the standing Tampa Bay bet. What do you want to do? You want to double down on the game?

The Niners are playing the Rams, which is a nice rivalry tomorrow. It's three and a half points. The Rams are favored. And you're saying I would take San Francisco? Yes. I'll take that bet. Wow.

Just like that. Well, because I like losing money. So why don't we bet 50 bucks? No, why don't we bet 50 bucks? No. Why don't we bet the 60? Okay.

So it is double or nothing. Okay. Double or nothing. I got the Rams. It's not the final of the week. So if we go to zero, we can come up with a Super Bowl bet or the Super Bowl will probably be a double or nothing. Okay.

Sounds good. But 60 bucks is no use betting 50 bucks or whatever. So yeah, we'll bet $60. I'll take San Fran. Now, Chris told me before, right before we started recording, there's a huge sports story. Don't peek down the document. And he put the story in. Have you looked right below this?

I'm just reading it now. Wow. Tom Brady. Tom Brady retiring. wow tom brady retiring uh i i'm shocked i would have lost money on that uh i you know this is going to be a john and this is going to be a john and yoko thing where people are going to blame giselle for him not playing more football i mean here, here's a guy who is, I don't think it's even arguably anymore. He is the greatest quarterback to have played the game of football.

And he is coming off a record-setting season where he took his team to the playoffs after winning the Super Bowl the year before. Why would he possibly quit except that apparently his wife doesn't want to play it anymore. I don't know. I mean, I don't view it like a boxer where it's like, get cut your losses. You know what I mean? Like, please, he just keep in mind, I'm going to miss. I loved hating him and I'm going to miss that. He's like, you know, like, like, like a great

villain. Uh, he broke records and, you know, and as someone said, obviously every time he throws the ball, he breaks a record. Yeah. So, um, because he owns so many, um, it's weird to me that having done so well, even if your plan was to retire and it's so hard for champions to retire. I'm shocked. He's retiring after this season that he had. What I'm not shocked about is that he didn't have the decency in full Tom Brady, all about me fashion, could not wait for the Superbowl to end, take a week and then make his announcement.

He's got to do it to fucking distract from the other important games that are going on right now. He's such a fucking, ugh, he's the worst. Well, we don't know why he retired. I did read a rumor this week that people had heard someone in his organization, I think they might've said assistant, which is weird, but that we're putting out feelers for jobs.

Like in other words, I didn't read the article, but, and I don't know if they had specifics, but I'm sure it might've been like for announcing, you know, or whatever, whatever it was, or going on boards of companies,

who knows, but there were rumors. So maybe he had to announce it to get ahead of it. Yeah. I don't know. I hate giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to see him in the... I don't think he's going to get a broadcasting job because so many people hate Tom Brady.

He's also so stiff. He's stiff. He's... That smile would get tired really fast. Not into it. Now you're, now you're watching them. I guess you can watch them too, but I don't know.

Romo's great. I love Rome. I love Rome. Rome was fantastic. What do you think? It's like a fan. Did you, when did you listen to Romo during that Kansas city 49ers game?

Yeah. He was just like, Oh my God. Like it was, it was, it was exactly what you wanted to hear because that's what you were going through. He is. He's like a young fan.

It's exciting to watch him. What do you think of Troy Aikman? Here's my thing on Troy Aikman. This is what I'm really surprised at. I hate saying this, man. I hate saying this. I don't really know. I think he's a little, I guess if he could do it, maybe Brady could do it.

I think he's a little, I guess if he could do it, maybe, uh, maybe Brady could do it. But Aikman to me, one of my memories of Aikman is how many concussions he got. He was like, and I guess sports guys can write in and correct me, but I recall him being like Mr. Concussion. And if, I mean, it depends on your genetic makeup and if you're lucky and all that. But like, might we note his sort of faculties diminishing during this job when you have to recall so much information off the top of your head? He's pretty sharp. I know. But you're saying it's going to go away. God bless him. I hope it doesn't happen.

But this is back when quarterbacks. That's one of my fears. So God bless him. God bless him. I hope it doesn't happen. But this is back when quarterbacks used to get speared in the back of the head full steam by Lawrence Taylor. These guys, there was no rules protecting the quarterback getting sacked. Those guys used to get annihilated. It would be interesting. Obviously, we have a lot of guys who get angry at us when we talk about sports, but I'm wondering if I have that right.

And George, my brother-in-law, is a huge Dallas fan, has been his whole life, and is incredibly miserable the last 20 years. But he'll know. But I just remember it was constant concussions for Brady. Yeah, right. So I don't know. But, wow, Tom Brady. It's old news for our listeners right now, So we shouldn't dwell on it too much, but, uh, Favre to Brady to Drew Brees.

Drew Brees. And these guys have all retired now. Oh, yeah, Roethlisberger, right. Roethlisberger. There's this whole slew. How old is Rodgers? He's up there. I bet he's 38. Oh, yeah.

Look at you. He is 38. You know, I think quarterbacks obviously have the latest sweet spot. You know what I mean? Of any position. Yeah. But now there's this slew of new guys that are hot shots. Just in their first guys that have only been playing one year

two years i mean there's there's six or seven that are like game changers that are out there right now right and i don't think it's mutual exclusive do you think that they will be better when they're in their 30s than they are in their 20s well they're not going to get hit as much as the uh old school quarterbacks did they're're protected. You can't tackle below the knees. You can't, you know, spear. You can't make contact with the head. So, yeah, I think they're going to last a lot longer. I think they're trained better. I think the training is a lot better for them. Yeah. Well, congratulations, Tom Brady. And we're all looking forward to what the Buccaneers with points. They'll be getting points next year.

You get the Bucs next season in every game. Now let's find a more interesting bet. I like that bet. I see me making a lot of money on that bet. Well, Vegas figures it out, man, whatever that line is. Listen, look at our bets this year. Wait, by the way, how close were the bets this year? Because there's another bit of money in there.

Isn't there a 20 added? Yeah, there's like a $30 bet in there. I don't know how we ended up at 60. That's a weird number. Might it be even because there's a 20 and a $30 bet added to it? I think so. I think it came out dead even for the season. I wonder.

It was an easy way. Yeah. Yeah. They're, you know, they're amazing at picking that line. It's crazy. But that, my theory's wrong that, you know, the bet got loaded pro-Trump, pro-Trump. Oh, that's perfect. Pro-Brady.

And that, you know, I would be doing better on the other side of that action. Theory did not work out. Vanessa Dimopoulos announced last week, quote, I don't think it's a secret, I was an exotic dancer for 13 years, she said in a post-fight press conference after beating Silvana Gomez-Juarez with a first-round armbar. The topic came up when a reporter asked Dimopoulos,

33, if she has a gymnastics background after she jumped into a split at her weigh-in after her win quote and i didn't actually say it on the mic but i'd like to say it right now i walked away from being a stripper to continue this camp i quit dancing about six to eight weeks ago just so i could focus full-time on MMA. Six weeks ago? Yeah. Wow. So wait, this woman who dresses in lingerie and gets in a cage and wrestles with other women,

she was an exotic dancer? You're kidding me. Yeah, well, you know, she was losing her last fight, and then when they played on Hot for Teacher, she suddenly turned it on, and she got her into a cunt lock. What? A giant roundhouse kick. All right.

There you go. Chalk one up for the exotic dancers. Yeah. Good for her. Good for her. All right. Let's get to um science oh sorry i see you know i saw a picture of joe rogan there would we be uh holding her you know

after she won her fight oh yeah would we be would we be remiss not addressing this joe rogan it's a very interesting issue i think this uh neil young versus joe rogan it is and uh uh you know i think i think uh you know it's just weird that neil young had things were just cooling down with the big beef he had with Leonard Skinner. And now he's starting up a whole new one with Joe Rogan. Oh, Leonard Skinner loved him, but just cooling down. And he loved them. All right.

Neil obviously knew if you're going to put Spotify in a corner, who are you going to choose? They're obviously going. I mean, it's not even it's not even a meeting. They're going to put Spotify in a corner, who are you going to choose? They're obviously going, I mean, it's not even a meeting. They're going with Rogan. So he knew his stuff, which is what he asked, would be removed. So they did remove it. I wonder if they had to remove it.

Yeah. Oh, you mean, yeah, he has a choice. Every artist has a choice of whether or not a platform uses their material. Not if you signed a contract. Every artist has a choice of whether or not a platform uses their material. Not if you signed a contract. In fact, most musicians have had issues with contracts, and they don't get their way. I think Netflix would not want to prolong the bad press.

I think they would want to just take it down. Yeah. What did I say? Netflix. Yeah, Spotify. Well, it was similar because even Chappelle asked everyone to boycott. There was a similar issue on Netflix. You know, an artist said, I don't want you airing my stuff.

So that was. Well, you know, there was immediately like a backlash against Neil Young because apparently he was a big like anti-NGO guy, GMO guy. And Monsantos. And he attacked Monsantos and a lot of the science that he was talking about about um how these uh genetically modified foods could affect people was all bad science and that it turns out that actually a lot of uh good came out of and came out of being able to increase wheat harvest and feed poor people in third world countries. And I'm not a big GMO guy. I don't know how I stand on it. But I know that a lot of the stuff that he was putting out there years ago, you could correlate to what the anti-vaxxers are putting out about misinformation about the vaccine right now.

Hmm. And then you saw Joni Mitchell join Neil. Once Joni Mitchell goes out against you, you know, all the chips are going to fall. I think Rick Astley is going to join. I don't want my song on Spotify. I know it's actually a great way to get publicity right now. Just come out against Joe Rogan. Yeah. Tony Basil doesn't want, oh, Ricky, you're so fine. Please pull it off of Spotify now. Yeah. And you know what? Pull off my track, my standup track about a dog humping my leg. Take it down. Take it down. I don't need the 13 cents a year and do you think if they remove like what is the issue exactly if they remove that one episode or is it it's either joe rogan i know

everyone painted it as it's either joe rogan or me but is it what if they took down the one episode that was most offensive with the doctor i guess i think what they want is the show to be monitored and censored based on what's said specifically in each episode. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Did you hear that Rogan, I don't know if this is true, but I saw it on Twitter, that the other night

his playoff music was Keep On Rockin' in the Free World? Yeah. Which is a very, and he didn't address it. Yeah. Like even during the show. Um, but I don't know that that's a little easy to get too excited about that because, uh, part of the free world is responsible. Um, you know, being responsible, You can't yell fire in a crowded movie theater in the free world. So anyway. All right. Speaking of business, let's do some business, Mike. Oh, here we go.

What do we got? We got the federal government is moving forward with a plan to let teenagers drive big rigs from state to state in a test program. What could go wrong? Yeah. An apprenticeship program to help ease supply chain backlogs would let 18 to 20 year old truckers drive. The pilot program would screen the teens,

barring any with driving while impaired violations or traffic tickets for causing a crash. What could go wrong? You know? I mean, all right. So insurance companies have whatever they're called, but they have the statisticians who, what are they called again? But who absolutely crunch numbers. And that's how they come up with how much it costs to insure you because they have actually done the computations and the risk assessment of you. And insurance companies all universally agree the most dangerous on the planet, the most dangerous thing on the highway are like 16 to 22 year old girls. Right. They are the most expensive to insure and now here let's give

them 18 wheels they couldn't handle four let's give them 18 well i guess at least with the stick shift they won't be jerking off as much while they're driving there'll be a little more good i don't know we we can only hope why has this guy been in third gear for the last 20 minutes? He's busy. He's preoccupied. How many, how many Snapple bottles full of piss are in your cab? Yeah. Right. And he had, and he had to swing by, he had to swing by to pick up Nancy for a handjob on his, on his way to drop off his load.

He dropped a load while dropping off his load. Um, I don't, I don't feel good about this, uh, at all. No, this is bad. They're, they're easily distracted. We were these kids once we can tell you firsthand. Yeah. Oh yeah. I used to, uh, I used to drink quite a bit. I was no stranger to masturbating while driving you used to do it to stay awake i used to do it i was driving from boston back to uh new york i did this i did the same a few times i would jerk off and watch actually truckers were who i feared that's right you ever because all of a sudden they could look down into your car right right yeah and then they start following you and you're like hey it, it's gone, dude.

I blew it already. I don't know what you're chasing me for. This thing doesn't work anymore. That's another reason. Listen, when I'm pleasuring myself while driving, I want an older truck driver looking down at me. I don't want a kid. Also, couldn't I get in trouble? He's 18.

It's borderline. Yeah. Now all of a sudden I'm exposing myself to an 18 year old truck driver it's wrong alright let's do some letters to the editor

we could do those alright this one comes from Andy in San Diego Andy in San Diego isn't that monoponopono Andy Ago

I'm trying to figure out what is more predictable for Sunday Papers. Is it when both of you butcher a sports reference? Or when Mike is going to defend preach about Bob Dylan? Oh, boy. Made me laugh when Mike lost his mind for Louie Anderson to use a song incorrectly. Louie Anderson. He's fucking correcting you. And he incorrectly says Louie Ck and i'm not gonna i'm

not gonna peg him on that easy mistake let's not forget the time dylan let chrysler use his music for a super bowl ad when when he played an electric guitar in 1965 or when dylan sold his entire catalog in 2020 all art will always have multiple perspectives. The creator doesn't always transcend the meaning to the consumer of that art. Countdown for Mike to repeat the process and defend Dylan selling his music and preach about how we are all not smart enough to understand his music's true meaning. All right, Andy, you're conflated. This is a little bit of a mess. This wasn't a commentary on Dylan. Andy, you're conflated. This is a little bit of a mess. This wasn't a commentary on Dylan.

This was a commentary on Louis C.K. using like a Rolling Stone. Dylan, yeah, no, Dylan sells his music. That's not an issue. He always has. Like Jerry Garcia, when he was interviewed once, they're like, do you fear you'll be a sellout because of like their new album or whatever? And Jerry Garcia's like, all we've tried to do

is sell out our whole career. No one was buying. Um, so it's not that yes, Dylan has sold songs and sometimes I wish he hadn't, but, uh, it was, it was, I guess I took issue with what Louie might've been like, equating himself to that artistic struggle in the song and, and the song's message. That's all. All right.

Um, meanwhile, I will say it again. That Louis CK hour is strong, man. Go get it. It is really, really,

really funny. Yeah. And by the way, Andy in San Diego ends his message with, with absolutely love the show. You guys are the best. Don't listen to assholes like me and change the show in any way. Oh,

that you should have led with this Andy. Now I like you. JJ says, holy shit. Gibbons attack on blind. He had me rolling the whole bit with you guys arguing, probably my favorite moment on Sunday papers all year, maybe even a month into last year.

Oh man. I forgot to get family circus. Cause I thought we were moving on from that. Chris, if there's any way to grab a family circus, I'll do a blind read of, of that little gem at the end of this document. Blind read coming up.

Put it in the Google doc. This one comes from William H. Hello. Love the show. Having a particularly hairy whistle. I find having a particularly hairy whistle. I find the back to front wipe to be the best all around. He calls his asshole a whistle.

That's good. One hand lifts the boys out of the way while the other with only two squares dabs the duty. It's not really a wipe. Even when they're not self cleaners, I never use more than eight squares. It's easier on the back and less smeary self cleaners

I mean if you're using two hands to wipe your ass you're not doing it right your balls it's not a car wash you shouldn't be yeah I don't know do you ever do the potty squatty

what's that? That, you know, what's his name when he finally got turned on to it? Howard Stern couldn't stop talking about it. Squatty potty. Did I say potty squatty? Squatty potty. It all toilets. You're supposed to the human humans are supposed to squat pretty deep, fully deep, actually down to your ankles almost when you take a dump. That's nature. And the whole argument is toilets are too high. And so we're not getting all of it out. And that's why wiping is an odyssey for some people. You don't know about this? So what is it like a stool that you stand on? Yeah. It's a thing that goes around your toilet. It almost looks like something you would put. I don't have one, but it looks like something you'd put for your your your little boy, literally your son to stand up on so he can pee in the toilet.

So when you're sitting, it's basically almost like stirrups. You slide this thing out and then you put your feet on it and it's higher. So your knees are higher in the air and it is now, um, you know, obviously creating a squat formation. I don't know. William H says I never used more than eight squares. Well, is, is that a limit? I mean, do you, do you just, I mean, I got to think dogs love William H. He goes to a friend's dinner party and like wow our dog really seems to like you he just he's coming right up to you sniffing around uh eight squares I bet my average is that or less I'd say really yeah I only use two but they're like triple plus we don't have to go into these details. I use a roll of deuce. One roll per deuce.

That's it. Right. That's because you just want to get down to that cardboard cylinder and play with that. My girls somehow have lost. I did not teach them well because it's almost like they go through a full roll. It's crazy. Yeah. All right, we'll get to this next one.

This is another music one, so we'll do it next week from Christian. We'll get to Christian. All right, we'll read Christian's next week. Fine. Okay. Just underline that. Oh, I didn't see this obit. I didn't know about this obituary.

Wait, hold on. I just accidentally... Quiet week on the death front, actually. There we go. All right, who died? Oh, yeah, Peter Robbins. He was an actor who provided obituary section there we go and that's all folks peter robbins was an actor who provided the original voice of charlie brown in classic

specials including charlie brown christmas It's a great pumpkin. Charlie Brown. He died by suicide at the age of 65. What? Yep. Well, it was all there. He was miserable. Maybe it was like no stretch for him to play Charlie Brown. He's always woe is me.

Maybe if Lucy's psychiatry booth had been a little bit better, he'd still be with us today. If she charged a little more and gotten an actual degree instead of a nickel. Instead, that bitch kept pulling the football out from his kids. I know. One minute she's fucking, one minute she's being his therapist, and the next minute she's humiliating and shaming him. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, you deserve better. Anyway, just to get into this guy's life story. So he began acting at the age of seven. He was on the Munsters, Rawhide. And then at nine, he started working as Charlie Brown. However, after he turned 14, he was replaced by a younger actor. And kind of didn't really work much again. Oh, no.

And then he waited 50 years and then killed himself. And then his ashes were sprinkled right under a shitty Christmas tree. Out in the forest. Poor Charlie Brown. That's sad. That's sad. That's sad. This one. Larry, let's do some comics.

We always cheer up with some comics. Do we cheer up? All right. All right. What do we got? All right, let's start off with... This was great. This was sent in by a listener. There's a comic strip called pearls before swine

that's really good by steven pastis and um in this episode there these these two beings they're kind of weird looking beings and one is standing on a hill and the other one goes oh wise ass on the hill people on the right hate the left people People on the left hate the right. And the media makes everyone hate everyone more. And then the guy says to him, in 1990, there were 60 billionaires in the U.S. Today, there are 664. Together, those 664 people have made more money than the bottom 165 million Americans combined. And the thing, and the thing about those 664, and the thing those 664 billion people fear the most, no. And the thing those 664 people fear the most is that one day those 165 million people on the right and left are going to see they have more in common than

they realize. So the rich divide divide them and then the other guy says why doesn't everyone know that and he says because the rich own the media and if you say anything they'll crush you and replace you and then they the and then torn away in the last frame is the family circus and the father is saying and we ripped up the bad man's comic. Why? And the little boy, Jeffy, says, because he's a communist. And the mother goes, and he's going straight to hell, Jeffy.

Boy, that's a long journey. Yeah. And by the way, the beings are two pigs. Are they? Yeah. It's a little pink pig coming up to like a warthog oh yeah okay that's right uh all right wow are the and these are the funnies well i think the guy's making a point that the reason why family circus exists is because we we are being dumbed down by the media that is controlled by the billionaires to keep us from realizing that we are being dumbed down by the media that is controlled by the billionaires to

keep us from realizing that we should rise up. Come on, people. It's the Sunday papers. Maybe a little, but I also think that people got dumb. There's a lot of dumb people who did it on their own and they enjoy family circus. Right. It's for kids. Who are we kidding?

All right. We got to come up with a new focus on the funnies or whatever. All right. Are we doing? What are we kidding? All right. We got to come up with a new focus on the funnies or whatever. All right. Are we doing? What are we doing? All right. Let's do the Lockhorns. Here's Leroy.

I already read it. She's in the fitting room. She's in the store, and he's just come out of the fitting room, and he's standing in front of her in a pretty ugly shirt and shorts. And she looks at him, and she goes, don't they have mirrors in there anymore? And then there's another one where he's in a bookstore and he's looking at do it yourself. And Loretta is talking to the book salesman and she goes, is dummies as low as you go?

is dummies as low as you go? All right, here's a family circus, which I have not seen. I'm scrolling to it right now. Okay, I'm not even going to read the caption. All I can see is the picture. It's the little shitty yellow-haired kid on the floor. Jeffy.

And he's by his... You can see his father's feet and the part of the chair and he's reading the newspaper, but he's kind of out of frame. And the kid has all these playing cards on the floor and he's looking up to the dad and he says, daddy, will you watch me so I don't cheat? Okay. Uh, I wouldn't call it clever. Uh, what do we got here what is i i'm almost exhausted by these now i've reached my family circus fatigue point um i wonder is this jeff keen's christianity kind of chiming in like like god will you watch me so that i don't sin and i'll confess to you?

That's interesting. And the dad's really off screen. There's a presence there, but you don't see him. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a religious message. It didn't work out as well for Jerry Falwell. Daddy, will you watch me while I cheat?

Maybe the father's Falwell and it's the pool boy saying, Jerry, will you watch me cheat? That's the only interpretation I have. All right, let's get to this piece of shit. Here's the thing about- Do a blondie? Yeah, let's do some blondie. shit. Here's the thing about... Who, Blondie? Yeah, let's do some Blondie. You mean Dagwood. Dagwood comes home, and you just got to assume when he comes home from work,

he does not come home tired because he's been napping at his fucking desk all day. He walks in, and he walks up to the front door and looks to camera, and she goes, she's not going to... Looks to you, Greg. Yeah. She's not going to believe it. Ha ha. Guess who left work early?

And then she says, no, wait, don't come in yet. And he goes, what's wrong, honey? And she goes, I spent all day working at home and I look terrible. Yeah, sure you do. So Dagwood goes, Oh, for heaven's sake, don't be silly. And she said, I'm serious. Give me a few minutes to put my face on. Get out of here, pool boy. Get out of here. Take the video, Cameron.

Go out the back. By the pool. Pretend you're cleaning the pool. And put your face. He goes, your face, sweetheart. Your face is always beautiful. Meanwhile, it's her tits that are the selling point. I mean, yeah.

Okay. Anyway. So she says, okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. She opens the door, and this motherfucker, this ungrateful piece of shit goes, whoa. And then she slams the door, and he goes, okay, no problem, honey. Take your time.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, you want to talk about Pearl before swine. He does... The only time her face would look bad for me would be after I launched a fucking steamy Pearl necklace on top of it. Even then, even then it would look good.

Um, okay. Well, as long as you're saying that, maybe that's what he saw. She's like, you're happy now. You caught me with splooge all over my face. And he's like, Whoa. All right. Clean up. I clean it up, baby. All right. We clean up i clean it up baby all right we're gonna clean this up next week we're gonna do a completely clean sunday papers clean sunday papers we're gonna do a rated g next week sure are family sunday papers next week and i like that and we want to remind you guys, support our sponsors. It helps us keep the show rolling along. Go ahead and check out Just Egg.

It's really delicious. And then also you want to go ahead and get some comatier.com slash papers to get 20% off your order. And finally, HelloFresh. Go to hellofresh.com slash paper16 and get 16 free meals. Has gotten so much easier.

You hooked you up for breakfast. You then have an amazing dinner that you're going to make and then you follow it with your coffee. Delicious coffee, so simple. All of those are simple. All right. We want to thank Midcoast media chris

denman beth hoops and key for doing a great job out there in st louis missouri stay warm guys good luck with this episode key yeah yeah greg greg has two recordings yeah oh i guess the listeners don't really know that but your batteries ran out of your recorder right before uh the ad right before the sponsors well if he does the usual great job that she does they won't they won't have even noticed that we that we stopped down and started up again midway through yeah your mood seems a little elevated you're feeling good feel i needed this i needed this oh that's good to hear yeah yeah this was fun i'm usually very depleted but this was was, I guess, a reasonable time.

What are we at? Like 140 or something? 138? I don't know because I have two different recordings. That's right. They don't know. They don't know. All right.

I'll see you back in L.A. tomorrow. Don't spoil the Rams game for me because I'll be flying all day. Wow. Good luck in Charlotte or Philly. I recommend Charlotte mostly because it's not Philly. Yeah, I think I'm going to take the later flight and just go through Philly. That way also I can stay on West Coast time and sleep late

instead of waking up at 5 o'clock in the morning, which is 2 a.m. L.A. time, and then I'm fucked up for like three days from fatigue. So who bought U.S. Air? That's the flight. Those are the routes that you're doing because those are two big U.S. cities. Ah, yeah, I would. I'm not even joking. I would geek out a little and I would look at what what plane is going from Charlotte, L.A. what plane is going from Charlotte to L.A. versus Philly to L.A. Because I'm guessing Philly might have the better plane, which would have, there's a chance you might be able to watch this game.

Oh, right, right. I kind of like watching it on tape because I zip through all the commercials. I can't handle all the commercials during a football game. Well, they're not a sponsor, but you have YouTube TV because you could. There might be enough of a signal on the plane to watch YouTube TV. That would be insane. Because it's not streaming. So you could get the Wi-Fi and watch, and then you could pause it,

take a nap for an hour, and then do your skipping through it. Wow. I like it. See? See how it comes together? All right, Mike. We'll see you this week. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish! guitar solo We'll be right back. Yeah, kickin' you door like, hey, yo, yeah Woo-hoo! I don't want to leave you now I don't want to leave you now Since I told you I was not sure I don't want to leave you now We'll see you next time.