Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg & Mike Ep 1: 3/10/20

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

Mike Gibbons and I launch our new series reading The Sunday Paper for the week of 3/10/20.

you've asked for it we've promised it we've teased it now it's happening sunday papers people mike gibbons let's do it greg fitzsimmons sitting here with uh what can only be described as the only take on the news that you really need. We got the paper here, fresh off the presses. It's the Sunday paper, which means, look, we all get inundated with news from our phones. Every 15 seconds, you're checking. And it's candy.

It's a sugar high, and it goes by fast. The Sunday paper is something that I grew up with, and it's the only paper I get. It's the enday paper is something that i grew up with and i it's the only paper i get it's the end of the week it sums shit up the most important story mike i'm trying to launch a new podcast. Are they still listening? They're like, oh, paper. What? They've already checked their phone and gotten four other stories by now.

Totally. Yeah. Stock market has closed. If you want news from three days ago, now, this is your place. If you want an antiquated delivery system for the news that you already heard, you got the right place. You want to hear two guys try to be funny and argue over issues that you kind of remember? Go there. And don't forget at the end, comic strips you never read in the first place. Yeah.

It's the Sunday Papers. Well, welcome. Mike, how are you? I'm good, man. I'm psyched. Your voice sounds good. It's strong today. Yeah. Yeah. It's the Sunday Papers. Well, welcome. Mike, how are you? I'm good, man. I'm psyched. Your voice sounds good. It's strong today. Yeah. Yeah. Either one of us is shaved in like a good five. You did. You had a little date the other night and I noticed that you said we played paddle tennis during the day and then we met at a party later that night. And in between you did a shave, but you didn't use a razor.

It looked like you might have buzzed it down a layer. Didn't do any such thing. Really? Yeah. And it was just a meeting thing, not really a date. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blow your personal life. No, no.

But also, no, I didn't. I don't. I'm not. Are you kidding me? I don't man. Is it manscaping your face? Yeah, I thought you manscaped. I did not.

I did not manscape. Look, wouldn't there be evidence that it's shorter? I have rabbi growth i mean like i don't i can't grow a beard yeah so uh yeah no i didn't do any such thing comes in gray both of our beards come in gray at this point is there a way guys do dye their beard but doesn't that dye your face i would imagine you know i just dyed my hair recently can you tell the i can't and i know that's the answer you probably want to hear. Looks good, right?

It does look good. Just for men. They tell you leave it on for five. I leave it on for four. Leave a hint of gray. Wow. Yeah, keep it real. I like it.

Well, don't they have a formula that keeps it real? I don't know. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Let's start off. Let's get into it. The news, goddammit, obviously the top story.

Sheryl Crow has a new album. And it's spreading. It closed down Italy. She's that powerful. They say it comes with birds. Starts with the bird flu. Yeah. Crow. The Pope. Let's start with the bird flu yeah crow um the pope let's start with the pope that son of a bitch he came out he blessed everybody for upwards of uh 30 to 40 seconds behind a plate glass yeah i would yeah it's like a sneeze guard yeah and all the disgusting

people under the sneeze guard yeah are you blessing blessing us or going for some chickpeas? Ugh, this meek. Look at all the meek who are going to inherit this fucking joint. Good luck with it. I'll tell you what, that guy. Here's the thing about the, well, we'll talk about it later, but the Onion had a very funny headline, which was, what was it? That he wants to suspend molestations. By the priests.

Yeah, the priests, just because of the spread out of the coronavirus. Temporarily suspend, it said. And it said in light of the fact that the coronavirus affects older people. That we're laughing about it. That's how crazy it is. That's how... You can only laugh. I don't laughing about it. That's how crazy it is. That's how...

You can only laugh. I don't know about that. Well, you can't wear a mask. The mask doesn't help. While you're molesting? While you're molesting, it doesn't help. I don't know. I think no kissing is a plus, not even for the virus.

Well, it's also harder to pick the priest out in a lineup if he was wearing a mask at the time. Yeah, the boys can't wear a mask. I'm pretty sure, but yeah. I'm wearing a condom right now. Oh, just to do the story. Yeah. Yeah. Cruise ships, they say. The State Department cautioned American travelers against taking cruise ships as the coronavirus outbreak spreads across the U.S. Quote, I don't think anybody should be taking a cruise right now.

This is a very sticky pathogen. Once it gets inside a closed space, such as a cruise ship, it spreads widely. It doesn't have to be sticky. Everything that hits, what was it, SARS, bird flu, I'm forgetting others. Ebola. There are always cruise ships. Always. They're like this giant floating Petri dish. I think what's going to happen is they're going to,

this one that's off Oakland, is that the one where it is? Yeah. They're going to shut it down, look at it, and be like, oh, forget Corona. We found the new one. Yeah. The new one is on that one already, I'm sure. Well, if you want to talk about a group of people that's vulnerable

cruise ship passengers not in the best shape no they bought a cruise ship ticket that's how vulnerable they are they've they've already mentally been been victimized yeah and never mind they need their walkers to get on and all they're doing is drinking and eating sugar from buffets yeah touching all touching the same trays of food. Yeah, under the Pope's sneeze guard. Yeah. And then, you ever been on a cruise ship? I have.

No, I didn't know that. Yeah, long. Well, first of all, there's really cool ones now. I have not done that. Way back in the 70s, completely inspired by Love Boat, my dad took us to a Bahamas one out of Miami and we did that and I thought it was great

because also he'd give us like, here's whatever, a lot of money at the time, like five bucks or something and they didn't supervise the slot machines. I lost my mind. I was like 10

and I went crazy in the gambling part. Yeah yeah as soon as they were in international waters and then even in ports because the bahamas allows gambling so once we were away from miami i just gambled like crazy and lost it all yeah all five well it's five a day i think yeah i did one once comedy central had a cruise cruise for their party. They used to have annual. Back when companies spent money on annual parties. Well, that was the thing about all the Viacom companies is they never pay the employees. And they were the first one to come up with like permalance where you work 50 hours a week without benefits.

That started with Viacom. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? I was there. I was getting 75 a day, which was a good rate and nothing, nothing, nothing, obviously nothing else. And working how many hours? Oh, a lot. But in fairness, it was one of those hot places. I mean, this is the this is the 90s at MTV and you wanted to make a mark. So you were and you didn't have a family or anything. So 2 a.m. was fine.

Yeah. You were getting stuff done. And then they gave you perks like they would throw parties. They would have retreats. So this was a retreat on a cruise ship. And it was me and Jeff Ross. And we went on. And I'll tell you what. Doing comedy on a cruise ship is the worst fucking thing in the world.

It's just not set up for it. Nothing feels right. It feels just forced and so we both bombed and then you got to walk around the cruise ship surrounded by the people that were at your show the night before yeah you know you're online waiting to get some uh crab legs yeah and they're kind of averting their gaze totally yeah exactly and then i remember i lost a lot of money gambling after bombing and i was with Aaron and we hadn't been together very long. Oh wow.

Like we'd been together like a month and I was like, why don't I go on a cruise? That I, you guys should not be together now. Yeah. Based on that. And so, uh,

I lost a lot. And then she went, you go back in there and you win that money back. Cause I was really fucking upset. What a misguided couple. And I went in and I won that fucking money. No, you didn't.

And then I made love to her. Like she was a, like like she was a whore we'd picked up on a wharf jeff ross eating in the corner watching you too jeff ross loves cruises he likes to eat 24 hours he's a fucking happy guy yeah i don't care what anyone says he's a happy guy no matter how you slice it never seen him in a bad mood i've seen i i was a you was the executive producer with him on The Burn, and I'm happy to say he's human, and he can get cross creatively. You want him to. Right.

He doesn't just take everything laying down, Connor, or with a smile. Why is he in the news? What just happened? What happened to Meghan and Harry? Oh, yeah. uh just gave up the royal tiles today i don't know when you listen to this but today is the day they're giving up their royal titles they uh what they do they went to england for something they uh went back

for their last uh i guess sort of job uh under under the uh under the titles and it was to see a concert. So, they're done. That's going to suck to go to a rock concert? No, in fairness. You know a lot of the concerts are fundraisers. Oh, everything they do is a fundraiser. Yeah, so they went to a concert

to raise money for police or firemen or something like that in England. But a concert. Why don't they raise enough money to buy guns for the cops? Yeah, right? I know. England, poof, they're getting some of that terrorism now. So those are the top stories.

That's the front page section. Now let's go to entertainment. That's the front page section. Now let's go to entertainment. Hooray for Hollywood. Oh, here we go. Let's do it. A lot of good stories in entertainment, Mike.

This is the section, guys, if you're still listening. Dolly Parton, who just turned 74 years old. Looks fucking good. She's awesome. She's the most beloved, one of the most beloved people in America. When I was working on Carpool Karaoke, I went to- Can you try to list more of your credits

throughout the podcast? Did I list others? Oh, Jeff Ross. So now I'm even. So Carpool Karaoke, we got nominated for an Emmy or something. So I was on a red carpet and a guy then asked me, hey, who else are you going to do for Carpool Karaoke? And I literally didn't.

I was like, Dolly Parton. And he goes, and this is like this gay reporter lost his mind. He's like, what? And we had no plans to do Doy parton so then james and especially the executive producer this guy ben winston hear about it and sort of ben especially freaks out because he kind of didn't know especially the hip quotient to her yeah that it actually would be a great one to this day still no dolly parton karaoke and to this day, still no Dolly Parton karaoke. And to this day, I would go out of my way to watch a Dolly Parton carpool karaoke. Are you kidding me?

Oh. Well, you know, there's a docuseries on Netflix about her that was like the number one thing on Netflix. Oh, I want to ask about her tats. You know, that's why she always wears long sleeves. She's covered in tattoos, apparently. But, you know, I mean, yeah, Jol jolene i mean that she wrote uh whitney houston's big i want to hear about that because i don't think they got along for a little i will always love you yeah yeah didn't she also write that prince song oh i don't know about that usually it went the other way but i don't know met a girl

named neki i guess you could say dolly part Parton? No, I'm just kidding. Holy shit. Anyway, she wants to do the cover of Playboy magazine. I want to see her. I don't know if I want to see that. I want to see the centerfold, and it would be the first centerfold that goes out horizontally because her tits are so down and out. You mean vertically? Well, no, isn't vertically? Oh, it's usually vertically.

Vertically, it's, yeah, north-south. This will be east-west. Just her chest. Yeah. Do you think if you were a 75-year-old guy, you would be more apt to be able to masturbate to Dolly Parton than, say, like, you know... Anything? A Kardashian? masturbate to Dolly Parton than say like, uh, you know, um, anything Kardashian.

Oh, I thought you were going to say more app than a 30 year old could masturbate to Dolly Parton. Well, I went to the bunny ranch one time and, uh, Dennis Hoff invited me out full approval from the wife. She said I could go.

Right. She said, as long as you bring, uh, I was working with a female comedian and I'm forgetting her name right now, and she said if you bring her, you can go. So I went, and there was a couple of really old prostitutes, and I go, does anybody pick them? He's like, they get more work than any of the other girls because older guys don't want to sleep with somebody their daughter's age. And a lot of the clients are, you know, in their 60s.

It would be very different if that ranch were in LA where everyone is sleeping with people their daughter's age. Exactly. That's interesting. Yeah. Well, I think it's kind of like if you, I'm talking about you, but anyone, if you saw you're still attracted, you know, you're still attracted, you're, you know, you have filters on, you know, you, you can't see your spouse of 40 years or whatever it is as how they look now. You're still seeing a lot of that youthful thing.

You fell in love with. Yes. But I think also like I'm, I'm more attracted to older. I mean, you know, when Louie talked about in his standup, when he was attracted, like to his wife, things, things about her, like there's, I think naturally, I mean you know and Louis talked about in his stand-up when he was attracted like to his wife things things about her like there's I think naturally I mean it happens there are exceptions but naturally you're more attracted to uh older and older as you get older and older I think I don't know I think and I do a point I do a bit about how like I still go back to Jill can I say Jill I said I you can't say the last name.

I said her name and her husband wrote to me on my website to say that he heard me talking about how I still masturbate to her image. And I say, I think that might be a felony because she was, you know, 16. And I go, but no, I don't think it is because I was underage when I started masturbating to her so I think I'm grandfathered in oh my god he reached out to me he wasn't mad he was just like he kind of just said it he was like I heard you're talking about Jill as he's cleaning his gun and I'm cleaning my dick yeah he. He's like, take her. Led Zeppelin is in the news. Let's pull up a clip.

Yeah. I guess this is an appeal because I think initially Led Zeppelin might have lost the case and now they... I forget the name of the band. Was it Triumph or something? Yeah.

But they were accused of stealing a lot of songs. And if you go down the rabbit hole as we just did, it really bums you out how much music they stole. This is Bobby Parker playing a little riff. Tell me if this sounds familiar. Yeah, Moby Dick. Oh, here's Zeppelin playing Moby Dick. Yeah, it's the exact same riff.

So there are videos on YouTube where you can listen to like a half a dozen songs that are not only the same melodies, but in some cases, the lyrics are almost exactly the same. What's the one lyric that they flipped? I work from the original lyric was I work from 11 to 7, you know, for you, babe, or whatever. So you change it from 7 to 11. Yeah. My buddy Chris Weinstein has that Spotify playlist. Do we have a website we can put stuff on? Anyway, there's a Spotify

Chris Weinstein's Spotify playlist is a giant list. It's basically the plagiarism list of Led Zeppelin. I mean it's no less than 20 songs. I mean it's really, ugh. And a lot of it is, what's weird is, there's all blues songs.

Like, he stole from Howlin' Wolf and, what's his name, King. Starts with an A. Albert King. Yeah. But then he also stole from, like, folk singers. Yeah, big time. Well, Stairway to Heaven is. Big time. Well, stairway to heaven. Yeah. Is that,

is one of those. And yeah. So, uh, it's a bummer cause I love Led Zeppelin and I remember losing my virginity to Led Zeppelin too. And there's something very fucking visceral about hearing that when you lost your virginity to it. You know?

Oh, I, every time I listen to Led Zeppelin too, I think about you losing your virginity. Well, yeah, because we were seniors in college at the time, and I told you about it. So check that out. But anyway, the story is that they restored a jury verdict

that found Led Zeppelin did not steal Stairway to Heaven. Now, Stairway to Heaven, I don't— Just pay. Just pay. Also, you're keeping the story alive. Yeah. Now we're talking about it to tens of people who now know Zeppelin are thieves. Yeah.

Like let it. They settled out of court with Willie Dixon. They settled out of court with so many people. Yeah. And just do that. If you're living in a castle and you lifted part of a song, pay.

Mm-hmm. It can't be much. Maybe it is. Maybe is that, I mean, maybe stairway to heaven. Maybe the guy's asking for a piece of all time.

So now it is tough to cough up, you know, millions. I don't know. What about Usher and the other guy when they stole

the Marvin Gaye song? Did they ever pay for that? I don't think it was Usher. Oh, not Usher. Pharrell Williams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, they lost in court. They did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marvin Gaye's family. Not only was the tune the same, it starts with the sound of a party going on in the background. Here's the best proof. Literally, you should just do this in a court. My kids had never heard the original, so I played the original like, we love this song,

and they thought it was the new one. Right, right. Yeah. But then you can't tell, but then you had like David Bowie using that bass line. Vanilla Ice took the bass line from the baseline from the queen yeah yeah right and bowie yeah but then was that not stealing he changed like one note apparently yeah uh but hip

pop has its own history right i mean everyone loves that tupac uh california and he did nothing with the i know we sound like 80 year old men at this point but he did nothing with the um what's his name uh it's it's a song from joe cocker and it's literally that no shit oh my god yeah i'll look it up i mean yeah anyway if you google at home or youtube joe cocker tupac you'll hear it it's great no it's cal i mean the whole. But he obviously just started talking about California over this unbelievably great hook. He probably figured who in my demographic listens to an old British rocker from the 60s. I mean, in fairness, you know, in the movie Straight Outta Compton, you know, they show him come in and that was already, I think, teed up for him. And I think it was Dr. Dre.

And by the way, as I sit here, that might have already been very legally done and they paid for it. And that was a sample that was available. I don't know. I don't know. Well, look, I mean, we're stealing John Oliver's show right now. Yeah. But let him come after us.

Jane Fonda was in the news because she's about to get arrested for the fifth time no she's been arrested five times but uh on friday she went out she wears a red protest coat huh every time she goes she's branding herself and uh is it a maga is it a maga coat it's a maga coat yeah it says uh keep, keep Jane great again. Yeah. She calls it Fire Drill Fridays, and she was really talking about climate change. And I mean, look, she's 82. What the fuck does she care? Climate's going to be fine for the next six years.

That's all she's got left. By the way, the Democrats should just take the slogan, make America great again and run on that. Yes. Like meaning five years ago. Like, and then, and then when Trump,

like you can't steal, like we didn't, it's like, you're stealing, you're wearing the hat right now, even while you're wearing the hat. No, we're not.

Yeah. How does it feel? How does this feel where you can't even have a conversation? Cause there's no like sort of base baseline for truth? You just make up whatever you want to say. I think I think Sarah Silverman put out an album called Make America Great. And David Cross. Oh, David Cross put out an album called Make America Great Again.

They should just start wearing blue hats that say MAGA. Right. Yeah. Well, we're going to get to Curb Your Enthusiasm later where we get into that. Also, Harvey Weinstein is in Rikers, which is the largest prison in America. I don't know if you knew that. No. Is it?

Biggest prison in America. There's hardly any space. I mean, it's all cramped right there on the river. It's an island. You know, they actually expanded the size of the island oh they make it bigger they made landfill and they put barges around it also now he is he in a barge he part of it's a barge but uh he's in a he has a tv i think he has a tv does he have a plant that he can jerk off on that's all he cares about power plants, the power plant's right nearby. The TV's nice,

but you guys got anything like a ficus? Yeah. And I'll water it. And a syringe for my apparatus. So he fell down. He says he fell down and has a concussion so that he can go to the medical wing

and stop getting fucked in the ass. Oh my God. Who knows? Do you think that that's like they don't have them and that's what i mean i think he has his own little private thing yeah no i've heard that but that's only because he hasn't been sentenced yet he's just in holding waiting to be sentenced yeah and then he'll go into general population do you think when a guy like Harvey Weinstein goes into general pop, it's like you get points for getting a guy like that for fucking a guy like

that? Or is there a weird, like, uh, I don't know. Everything I said is going to be highly inappropriate. I know. I wonder,

I wonder the take on him. It wasn't children. In other words, you know what I mean? Um, you know, it's, it's,

I don't know. I don't know don't know i don't know his worst i don't know his worst offense he raped somebody well i do know though some of the rapes were people he was dating for a while which are which are which are rape no doubt and really really really bad but like there's violent rapist in there it's a there's a different type of crime yeah uh in some ways god I don't know I just wonder if you're a celebrity no matter what you did if you're a celebrity and you get in there

do you get points for like hey I tapped that ass oh interesting I thought you were talking about maybe killing him no fucking him just fucking him maybe that's how he fell and then he wants a concussion wait wait please make please do it again and make me fall on my

head hard i cannot remember this well that's it he's fallen on his sword he's doing anything to get in that fucking medical wing yeah um you saw the story about the baby no i love that there's a rapper called the baby da baby and uh he apparently yeah this is very he slapped a woman in tampa apparently and it's on it which sounds about right sounds like an old johnny cash song yeah just just to watch her cry and uh he was headed to the stage i guess and there's a lot of video of it and i guess like she they got in a tussle or whatever and he slapped her kind of hard but so there's charges against the baby but just to see the headline like the baby slaps woman it's so fucking funny to me

the irony was she cried like a baby you can't blameBaby. DaBaby don't know any better. No one put DaBaby in jail. DaBaby. Babies are in jail. Their cribs literally have bars on them. Yeah, exactly. He's going. That's what they should make his jail cell. It should look like a giant crib.

It can't be in general population. He's just a baby. Who gave DaBaby a tattoo on his face? I'm going to get DaBaby. Oh, my God. Pete Buttigieg. That guy.

DaButtigieg, not DaBaby. Let me tell you something Pete Buttigieg. That guy. Da Buttigieg, not Da Baby. Let me tell you something about Buttigieg. It's tough when you're gay and the first four letters of your last name are butt. There it is. That's the kind of high-level quality comedy you can expect on the Sunday papers. But he is going to be hosting Kimmel's show. Oh, wow. Kimmel Live.

Oh, all right. And he says he'd like to host hosting Kimmel's show. Oh, wow. Kimmel Live. Oh, all right. And he says he'd like to host Saturday Night Live. Okay. I mean, as a comedian, I just love how many people are slumming in the fucking comedy world. Do you know how many comedians are headlining clubs who are only doing it because they got Me Too'd and their acting careers got derailed? Oh, yeah, yeah. Piven?

Well, I don't want to name names. All right. Not him, but it's a, but it's the baby. It's the baby is out there. How old do you think he was when he started? Do you think that that was his original name and he just stuck with it?

I don't know. Yeah. Maybe, maybe it's a long one. Yeah. Maybe he hates it. Stop calling me the baby. Don't be a baby. It's on your album. I know. Well, I have to it. Stop calling me DaBaby. Don't be a DaBaby.

It's on your elbow. I know. Well, I have to. That's how they know me. You know, most rappers sag their pants. He sags his diaper. Alright, let's go to Sesame Street where they are doing PSAs to tell kids to be counted in the new census.

They realized that children under five were being underrepresented, so they're using count van count to count. Yeah. One child in a cage. Yeah, they don't count them when they're in the cage. Oh, I think they're counted, right? Yeah. They're already inventoried.

Well, there's Rosita, I think is the Latino, and she's bilingual. So she's trying to get the Latino kids to get counted. Ah. Yeah. I don't know her.

That's a Sesame Street character? Yeah, Sesame Street's very woke now. It was always woke. Yeah, I guess it always was. Not's a Sesame Street character? Yeah, Sesame Street's very woke now. It was always woke. Yeah, I guess it always was. Not as woke as The Electric Company. Do you remember that show? Yeah, I remember it.

Way more, it was not as nice a block as Sesame Street. It was a few blocks down. Oh, no shit. A little more inner city, I would say. Yeah, yeah. Like, definitely cooler yeah i remember even as a really young kid i'm like whoa this is this is cooler well wasn't uh oscar the grouch really just a homeless guy basically i think yeah yeah yeah oh you're right yeah

everybody was nice to him he lived in a garbage can yeah you ever been friends with a homeless person did you ever have like a relationship where you said hi or gave money to the same guy on a regular basis on sullivan street and then there was also a kid i wouldn't call him homeless but he on the upper east side there was a kid who was definitely on the spectrum i mean i think a probably very autistic is my guess but he would wear headphones, which back then it was like one of those big clunky headphones that were, that was a radio and had radio dials on it. And, uh, one of his big things that he rocked back and forth a lot, but I would, I would

sometimes give him money on my way down to the subway in the morning. But what he liked to talk about a lot were those four swings in October. Reggie Jackson. Four swings in October. 1977. I think it was four at-bats in a row. He had a home run in the playoffs. And it was years earlier,

but this kid couldn't stop talking about it every single day. And so I'm like, four swings, Nick swings like four swings and then i'd give him money maybe i was talking about now i'm looking back on it he might have just been repeating what i was saying i guess i didn't help him and he's talking to his friends rocking yeah yeah there's this guy great guy gives me money but god he's fucking obsessed with oh here he comes here comes four swings guy again all right here on. I have to fucking scream it back at him.

It's 1981, I think. It's time to move on. Yeah, exactly. By the way, that's a guess on 77. I'll look it up. I think it was 77. Is that what you guessed? That's what I guessed. I think it's a very good guess. Let's see if we can

name the entire Yankees roster from 1977. Catfish Hunter, still alive? I don't think so. Was he? Maybe. But there was Ron White, Mickey Rivers, and I can't name anyone now. Reggie Jackson. Yeah, of course.

Are you looking it up? No. Ron Guidry. Catfish Hunter, did you say that didn't say that Dave Kingman you said Thurman Monson yeah

oh Craig Nettles at third right big time Lou Piniella yeah holy shit this is impressing me

yeah oh yeah of course and that was one of the first they're not booing they're saying Lou that was one of the first ones before Bruce Caitlin it's Caitlin alright yeah I could find more They're saying Lou. That was one of the first ones before Bruce. Caitlin.

It's Caitlin. All right. Yeah, I could find more if I were. Oh, Bucky Dent. Bucky Dent, the shortstop. With the Red Sox killer. Let's get to some reviews. We've got TV reviews first.

If you haven't seen The Outsider yet, I have watched the first seven of nine oh did we look her up yet does she have any got the woman oh god she's good the first i was into the outsider for like two episodes and then i started to really fade on the third and then they introduced this character, a black woman who's African American Cynthia Erivo and she fucking breathes life into this series, I mean she is a one woman show she's playing someone who's a little

spectrumy and most actors don't know take Tom Cruise for instance in Rain Man they don't know how to underplay it, they just the autism takes over the whole fucking character, and it's unwatchable. I walked out of Rain Man.

But she plays it really fucking well. And we're wondering, has she got an EGOT? Okay. An EGOT, if you don't know, is an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. Holy shit, she's torn about. And there's only about she's got a grammy people that have it she's got a grammy she's got a tony she's got two oscar nominations but she did not win does she have an emmy um it doesn't she could get nominated for this for the emmy why wouldn't it list she's gonna go

she's gotta go well now she could yeah now she could uh right i guess she does yeah she's got a gt oh grammy and a tony i guess so i don't know for some reason i thought she also had an emmy look up how many people have e-gots i'm curious oh well i guess i know it well i know well this is the problem some of them are not quite pure in my estimation daytime emmys some of them oh yeah right that but no no but there's also people can get two awards for the same performance which is bullshit so if you're in oklahoma and you win the Tony, then when they put the cast album out, you get your Grammy. I don't think those should be counted. And that's how, what's his name? Just got one. John Legend. Don't look it up. I'll tell you how many. Guess how

many there are. Well, there aren't that many pure ones. Also, this doesn't count like streisand fucker she's got a honorary oscar that shouldn't count right so go ahead i don't know how many pure ones there are here's the pure ones 15 i in there there's not pure ones go ahead what what are some of them uh i'll list the ones you'll you've heard of rita moreno i think hers is legit. No, because underneath it says winners, including non-competitive awards, where Barbra Streisand, Liza Minnelli. Yeah, but you're not counting my thing, which is same performance gets two awards. Audrey Hepburn. She turned down a Tony Award. Did you know that?

No. Yep. Why? I forget. She's badass, though. Because she's a lesbian. She just liked turning down a guy named Tony Oh alright that works

Mel Brooks Got an EGOT Mike Nichols Whoopi Goldberg But sometimes they also read their Memoir and that gets them a Grammy Yeah That's not who I'm

I'm picturing like the That fucking four you know Four whatever you call it And that gets them a Grammy. Yeah. That's not who I'm... I'm picturing like the... That fucking four, you know, four whatever you call it, weapon, you know, threat. Quadruple threat. What did Whoopi Goldberg win a Grammy for? She must have been reading...

It must have been an audio book. That's what I think. Yeah. That's what I think. Also, her Oscars for Ghost doesn't count. John Legend hasn't he got? That's what I mean. But he got two for Broadway.

Yeah. He got a Grammy. He wouldn't want a Grammy anyway though, right? Oh, also, yeah, sometimes they get an Emmy from a Broadway thing. Whatever, we're spending too much time on this. All right. But yeah. Let's go to some other reviews.

Oh, so check out The Outsider. It's very good. I saw the movie. Oh, we're on TV. Malcolm X is a documentary. Oh, so check out The Outsider. It's very good. I saw the movie. Oh, we're on TV? Malcolm X is a documentary. Oh, yeah. How is that? Well, this is the problem

with documentaries. I like it. I'm on board. And it's fascinating. He's fascinating. But do you know his wife? I don't know how long after he was killed.

Was it one of the Kardashians? Sorry? His wife? No, it wasn't quite. And God, I hope it wasn't the day of. But she was dressed in a... Anyway, I was trying to figure that out. I was also dozing a little.

I was watching it too late last night. But I have to go back and watch it. But she was interviewed and she's like... They were asking who killed him and all this stuff. It's like, like well you know they're uh trying to pin on him like that uh he might have brought this on himself and that he might have like oh it was something like that and she goes um because his house was massively firebombed like they bombed his house like they said he like bombed his own house well maybe now they're gonna say he killed him he shot himself with five guns or four guns i think four bullets different types of bullets were in them um but you want to know

the an interesting thing she said when uh when she was talking about when he was bombed as the reason because his house was like fucking you saw like shit out on the street and all the windows were blown out and it was fire she goes like he would bomb his own house like we we didn't have insurance like for the furniture she she started to detail things like chairs and you just realize like oh it's different than today where if you're the slightest bit famous that just means you have tons of money also yeah and he had nothing but speaking engagements selling out places. Clearly, they you know, they weren't charging or it was so minimal because it was for the public service. He had a movement and he was moving. But it really was like it stood out to me that one of her rationale for proof that he didn't bomb his own apartment was they lost furniture.

bomb his own apartment was they lost furniture. But you also have to think that he would get pretty steep discounts at any store on Malcolm X Boulevard, don't you think? Probably. Yeah. And there's one in every city. That's a good point. I remember Chris Rock had a joke. He's like, you always know if you're on Martin Luther King Boulevard, you're in a bad neighborhood. Yeah, he's like, I don if you're if you're on mount martin luther king boulevard you're in a

bad neighborhood he's like i don't care what city you're in and if you're on malcolm x boulevard you better try to find uh you better find martin luther king boulevard get the fuck out of there so malcolm x documentary but this is one of the problems documentaries is when i see it's like six parts or four parts i'm in i know i'm in for a slower burn than i want i think a lot of documentaries can be a documentary yes absolutely and or two parts what was the one the last one on hbo that errol morris did so stretched out could have been one fucking episode would have been a great episode yep Yep. What was it called? It was about mind control and how they used LSD on an FBI guy to try to get him to do stuff.

I'm forgetting the name of it. Yep. I saw McMillions. Did you see that? That's another one that's going a little slow for me. Real slow. They love that one talking about. They love the guy.

They think he's charming. He is charming. He's not that fucking charming. No, but you're also judging him, and it's fun to judge him like we're doing, so they know that. So they just leaned into a- Yeah. Yep.

Tell your jokes. Yep. Go ahead. Make a list. I'm just shocked that, if you don't know the story, the Monopoly game that McDonald's did was rigged. I just assume all of those are rigged. I mean, you really are going to win

a fucking million dollars from a milkshake? Yeah. Or the lottery? Or the fact that people that are making $4 an hour are not going to grab those fucking playing pieces? I don't feel ripped off. All right, so the lottery. It's like, obviously, it has to be of a board.

I get all that. But psychologically feeling gypped, which is now a word you're not allowed to use. Why? Because of gypsies. Yeah. You got to look out for them. Do they have a voice? Well, by the way, do they have a voice?

They have the number one heavyweight boxer in the world now. He's a real gypsy? He's an Irish gypsy. Oh, I didn't know that. Like Sean, like what's his name not sean penn like brad pitt played yeah in lock stock and two smoking barrels or no no uh what was the the other movie he did the same the british guy yeah i'll get in a minute so yeah he it's and they've been officially designated an indigenous like class wow yes no it's awesome it's an official uh recognition

of them as a population in ireland that's great and his dad was one even though technically this guy was born in i just read an article on technically he was born in england yeah he's a gypsy and uh yeah you can't say the word gypsy oh by the way i've learned a lot because i was writing that i'm writing the sitcom on an HR department. You can't say basket case anymore. Why? Do you know what basket case means? Let me guess.

Basket. Would they used to confine people in baskets? You could say that. A basket case was like you're on. I think its origin was you're on the war field and you're a medic and you're like, go over there. We got two basket cases, which means to go get them. You better bring a basket. Because they're dead.

No, they're in pieces. No. And they're still alive. Otherwise, they wouldn't tell you to go get them. Yeah. And so that's a basket. How many basket cases did you have? And now it then was co-opted i believe this is the order not the other way

around co-opted into if you are a quadriplegic the your shorthand was your basket case do you feel good now about calling your aunt a basket case just because she has cats yeah wow the the language, fucking language is fascinating and it's brutal, some of it. Yeah. Yeah. So, gypsies I didn't mind because of fucking gypsies

all trying to take my wallet in Italy, the fucking little kids. It literally was like I was a moose surrounded by wolves that would just lash out at two kids. They'd back up. Meanwhile, two were coming at me from behind. It was crazy.

Anthony Clark used to have this joke. He goes, the gypsies in Europe will come at you, and they're so desperate, they'll hand you a baby so your hands are occupied, and they take your wallet. So here's a little tip. If you're traveling in Europe and somebody hands you a baby, swat it to the ground. That's perfect.

But there's a great book called Tinkers about gypsies. Ah. I think it won the- Snatch was the Brad Pitt movie. Oh, right. I think Tinkers won the Pulitzer Prize, as a matter of fact. Ooh. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, a little callback to the coronavirus. In entertainment, Contagion, the 2011, I think it's a Soderbergh movie, is number eight on the iTunes charts ahead of Parasite on the movie streaming and rentals. Speaking of movie streaming and rentals,

there's a few winners on there that you may have missed last year that I highly recommend. You and I both loved a movie called Queen and Slim. Yes, I did like it. It was kind of a Bonnie and Clyde movie about this couple that's on the run after he kills a cop

because he's about to be killed by a cop. But you know how it is with the African Americans and the cops. They just can't seem to get along. And look, both sides have good people. Oh, boy. I saw a movie called The Way Back. Ben Affleck is an alcoholic trying to come back.

And I wanted to like it. And I was really liking it a third of the way in. It is a well-done movie. All right. So very briefly, basketball coach. So then they show it like, get out there. You got to get out. He's like, ready?

And this is going to be their big comeback. It's like, one, two, three, go. And it's like, oh, please don't make me watch these kids. And all of a sudden, it would go, one, two, three, go. And it would just freeze. And then the color would kind of become muted. And then they just put the score up that they lost that game. Oh,

good. It was really effective and I appreciated it. The story I'm thinking about story a lot lately, because I'm going to try to write a movie. So I'm of course, instead of writing, I'm reading a lot of books on how to write a movie. Yeah.

And what they say is instead of shitting on a movie ask yourself how you would fix it it's a tough question you can't just say i'd make them more likable it's like how and this lost its way a little and also he didn't drink whatever i don't want to give this review of the movie i didn't want right that's true anyway it's not as good as rotten tomato says i guess that's i saved your money viewers i saved your good as Rotten Tomatoes says. I guess that's, I saved you money, viewers. I saved you money. There was a time when I really liked Ben Affleck. It didn't last long.

Huh. And now I find him unwatchable. I shouldn't, look, I don't want to be- I kind of like him. I don't want to be the fucking mid-level comedian that shits on high-level actors. Who am I? Who am I?

And if I saw Ben Affleck, I'd be so far up his ass, he'd have to fucking, he'd have to get a goddamn pair of tweezers and get me out of there. Yeah. But. Just go back to shitting on Audrey Hepburn. Or Whoopi. I don't think I shit on her.

I just watched The Color Purple with my daughter. I've never seen it. Oh, if you ever need to cry. I hate the Lakers. It is Steven Spielberg, so it's a little corny. Yeah. It's a lot corny. But if you want to cry, hate the lakers it is it is steven uh spielberg so it's a little corny yeah it's a lot corny but if you want to cry it's good yeah what did i hear is a really tearjerker i forget oh as long as we're in entertainment i will say this uh of course this is old guy news we should have a section called old guy news yeah i re-watched the other day i only put on for a little because

um david burn hosted sarn he was a musical guest on sarn i love and it was really great and i'm I rewatched the other day. I only put on for a little because David Byrne hosted Saturday. He was a musical guest on Saturday Night Live. And it was really great. And I'm like, you know what? I want to go back, see that exact song you just did. I want to see it in 1984. I want to see Stop Making Sense. All right.

Watch Stop Making Sense. Just do it. Whoever's listening to this, just do it. Even if you think you've seen it. Jonathan Demme directed it. It was shot in, I didn't know this, at the Pantages Theater. think you've seen it, Jonathan Demme directed it. It was shot. And I didn't know this at the Pantages theater. I'd always heard it was shot at Dartmouth, but I think they had a warmup show there or something for it. It is the best concert movie.

I put it above the last waltz. It's, it's that good. He comes out, he starts, it starts with a boom box and his guitar. He does one instrument at a time the second song has two people third song has three people and by the way i then by the middle of the concert it's so well shot by the way and here's the headline buried deep in my tail he doesn't cut cut cut cut cut he'll stay on backup singers for like 30 seconds and you're not even seeing david byrne sing and it's so effective it's so effective it's such it's literally art it's a piece of art that movie and the music the talking heads are just the most underrated band in history i didn't even know pauline kale the greatest maybe film reviewer of all time literally goes it's near perfection i didn't even know she reviewed it it's so great uh and by the way halfway through last thing I'll say about it,

I was like, when did Graceland come out? And I looked it up. Graceland came out like 15 months later or like two years later, Paul Simon's album, Paul Simon's album, uh, with a lady Smith,

black Mombasa from Africa, very percussion, obviously driven. I am telling you, he was so inspired by Stop Making Sense and by by David Byrne and the Talking Heads there is so much percussion and international flavor in that concert well there you have it Mike Gibbons strongly recommending you put everything down right now and I say we put it down and get to the business section. Should we do sports?

Now, let's do sports first. Let me change pages. We will, we will rock you. Sports, obviously, we have not spoken that much, considering it's all anybody talks about, about this SARS virus that's going around. But it's really affecting sports. Empty stadiums.

Corona. They're playing soccer matches in Europe with no crowds. Right. Which is insane. So the fatalities have skyrocketed to zero. No, they're fighting outside the stadium. They're still showing up. Or plummeted to zero.

Oh, they're killing... They're killing each other at home? Yeah. Alright, good. Poor hooligans. What are they doing? By the way, are you allowed to say hooligans anymore? I'm not even going to shave my head today. Yeah. To protest. I went to... Actually, I went to a soccer

game in Barcelona. We saw Barcelona and we saw Messi play. Whoa! And that's my son's team. And he's obviously a big soccer guy and love Messi. And we get to see Messi score a goal. But let me tell you something. Soccer crowds in Spain, they sit down. Nobody stands up during the game. They don't get up until halftime. And then they get up orderly and go to the restroom. They take out their sandwiches. They unwrap them in Spain.

They clap. They don't stay. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I heard the story. It was a great story where, um,

Italy was, I think they were away. They were definitely away. And I think it was Spain where they first heard the, uh, white stripes riff, which was which became huge in soccer. Italy took it home. And then that, there was a

really great article and I think an NPR story written about. It became the number one ring tone in Rome. Oh, yeah. And most people had no idea where it came from. They just knew that that was the giant chance.

You know what the new ringtone is in Italy? Oh, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

I like it. All right. Also, is that just American taps? I think so. So like, if you did that in another country, like you're, you're sort of, you're burning them, you know that in another country like you're you're sort of you're burning them you know in a way like you're like you're you're about to lose down would they be like

what is he doing yeah like what does that mean i think so would they know that one is that american that one they'd know from horror movies yeah they'd know. From horror movies? Yeah, they'd know that. Why? Because of our movies? Or did we steal all these? No. Well, I would say some of the music you hear in spaghetti westerns was done by, what's that guy's name? Well, there's a bunch of them, but the biggest one was- Starts with an M? Yeah, I forget his name.

Anyway, a lot of those songs that you would associate with mood that you would recognize, I'm sure very international um soccer empty march madness they're saying now uh made do with no crowds they're coming up with contingency plans our friend uh pete scott works uh in conjunction with it and he's at turner sports and everything so he's like yeah they everyone's in a panic the olympics obviously like the you couldn't think of a more efficient way to get everyone sick like than the olympics everyone fly from every country all come here shack up in really close quarters so much so that the olympic village we have to give out condoms for free because you

guys are but first deplete all your energy by competing then fucking co-mingle like crazy now everyone fly home yeah are you kidding me in coach yeah yeah are you kidding me right yeah i did uh i did lights out with david spade last week and the topic was whether they were going to cancel the japanese olympics and i called you as I always do. I call you and I ask you to give me some jokes for it. Yeah. And you gave me a great one, which was,

um, you know, you gotta be careful going to the Olympics. You never know what you're going to come home with. Look at Caitlyn Jenner. You'll never know what you catch. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. And so, uh, I did that and it got some groans. Good. Good. That's exactly what we're going for i went for all grown jokes it wouldn't get a joke it wouldn't get a groan from caitlin i've now worked with her twice yeah the roast was one and i just worked with her and she loves that she told a joke you want to hear it yeah she goes i heard i heard a good joke

lately she's with comedians she's with nicki glaaser and Bert Kreischer. And she goes, I heard a joke. So all of us roll our eyes. I mean, like, also this is awesome because it's going to be a horrible joke. Probably. Turns out it was good. She, um, said she was playing, she plays a lot of golf and she was playing with one of the top ranked women or whatever. And, uh, the woman was really down on herself.

She's like, what's the matter? She's like, oh, it's my game. It sucks. She's like, I don't know what she goes. She goes, the whole, the golf hold to me right now is like a Kardashian girl. And he's like,

what do you mean? He's like, nothing white will go in. Really? Caitlin said that? Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

That's what I mean. There's a real, you know, I heard she told this joke. There were two flies sitting on a piece of shit, and one of them farts, and the other one goes, hey, I'm eating. By the way.

She didn't say that. I didn't want to tell that joke really bad. I like it. I even cleaned up the joke a little bit. It was like the golf hole is like a Kardashian pussy. That was literally what she said. That's awesome. Nothing white.

I can't get it. And she did that on tape for the airing of the show? It's going to air on Netflix. God bless her. Yep. All right. Let's get to business. Yes.

Now, the bear market, they're saying, is starting. The stock market, again, I don't know when you're listening to this, but today it went down 2,000 points, which is the biggest drop in one day ever of the S&P. So our friend Mike Gibbons- Right here. Who is famous over the years for shorting the market with his stocks, which means you're betting against the market.

You're betting it'll go down. Which usually means I win for a few days, and then I love it. I get lust, and I get greedy, and I stay too long, and the fucking dumb stock market takes an undeserved bounce up, and I get wiped out. Every time. Every time. Wiped out every time. And for the first time in the 30 years I've known him, you didn't have stocks for the

first 25 years I knew you.'ve known him, you didn't have stocks for the first 25 years. So far, I mean. But you bet against the market two weeks ago and you are making a small fortune. I can give it away as a public ticker and I have no, I have no, well, I own it. I guess that's the disclosure, but I don't think that affects this ticker symbol, people buying it. I don't think affects it, believe it or not. All right. Give it to them.

It's called TZA, Tom Zebra. No. Yeah. Anthony. What do I get? I should. Do you memorize the alpha thing? No.

Yeah. It seems like something we should do. Alpha, beta. Charlie? I think it's Chai. Charlie, I think. I don't know. Anyway. Wait, are you talking about the Greek or the military? No, military. Military.

Oh. Anyway. Oh, no, no. I'm not talking about the alphabet. So anyway, it's TZA and the opposite one is TNA. What you do is you buy one of those and it goes three times. It's juiced three times the direction the market goes so if you buy tna that means you're going positive so if the market goes up you know two percent you go up six percent that day or more so today i own tza i went up 30 today all your money tripled uh no i went up 30 not not all my money but no it went up 30 and it's not all my money

but i did take a big swing at it just because i'm making up for all the years i always always always lose and i don't trade this was the first thing i bought in years or two years probably how much of this money would you say you'll give to charity well will charity pay me if I lose? Because, well, if you were Wall Street, the government would pay you if you lost. They don't. Because they're already looking for money.

Wall Street is already looking to the Fed. Well, they got the, they're the biggest crybabies ever. So everyone's complaining and bitching and moaning. The S&P 500 is still up for the last 52 weeks, you stupid idiots. And they all hate Bernie Sanders and his socialist leanings. As soon as this happens, all they're doing is screaming for government intervention. Lower the rate.

You got to help us. You got to give us these incentives, these packages. Bail us out. Bail us out. The World Bank is starting to come into Asia to bail them out. It's it's all there's such the S&P 500 was up 28 percent last year. So now you have to give a little back and you're bitching and moaning. It's crazy.

You're not going to get your billion dollar bonuses. But it is gambling, man. When you buy one of these fucking three times, it's called a weighted ETF. You buy like, for for instance at the end of today a good move might have been buying tna which goes up three because you think it'll bounce tomorrow if it goes up a thousand tomorrow you'll make you know 20 or you know whatever it is yeah you heard it here mike gibbons tells you watch the documentary stop making sense and buy yourself some tna for tomorrow. Too late. Also, outsiders, we lose.

For instance, TZA is an example, just to calm everybody down. TZA closed at, I would say, let's say 50 on Friday. It opened today at 61. So where's an investor like you and me getting in there? You're not. You just, you can't get in. You're going to get in at 62, three, four, probably way above that because it's sort of racing. They've already factored in that it's going to go down. Because I don't know who these people are, but you can trade futures.

Who are these people? Maybe other markets like Asia and Europe can buy it while the market's closed here. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. It's all rigged. It is all rigged. Take your money and have some fun with it.

Yeah, gambling. Finally in business, Bill Gates. Of course, this comes from the private sector. He is funding at-home testing kits for the coronavirus because they're not available from the government. So the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation have put some money into this project. It's called a thermometer. Do you have a fever?

Fucking lay low. Right. They can't do anything if you have. It's the flu. I can't get wipes. I can't buy disinfectant wipes. Get a fucking napkin and some rubbing alcohol. Boom.

You got it. Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Honestly. Wear some gloves. So, you know, the other thing is like, oh, my God, I got to get tested for coronavirus. Oh, I have it. What do you do now?

Oh, we send you that building over there where 60,000 Americans die of the flu every year. Yeah. Honestly. Yeah. 45 million people got the flu two years ago. 61,000 died. Damn. And 860,000, I think. I think I have this right. Almost a million people were hospitalized with the flu two years ago. Last year was a little bit of a down year i think i think this year is up though but in other words you're going you know whatever you're going to a germ factory if you have it i guess they quarantine you i don't i don't know but self-quarantine right is that the move self-quarantine and i'm about to go to cuba in three weeks with my family and my mom who's 78 and I'm starting to

wonder if Cuba's going to let us in. They may say you're from California. We're not letting you in the country. For a number of reasons. Right. And then we're supposed to go to Ireland and again we fucking rented this place a year ago in Ireland and I don't think we're getting the money back.

We got all our plane tickets bought. Are they giving money back on plane tickets? I don't think we're getting the money back. We got all our plane tickets bought. We're not getting it. Are they giving money back on plane tickets? I don't know, but the flights might be canceled. Right. So cross your fingers for that. But that's the economic impact. You just described it. The planes.

Well, the hotels, just travel, and then all the business travel, even the superfluous stuff, like even dumb agencies here in California. But big ones are like new policy for a while. No more face to face meetings. You have to do it over Skype. Right. Or, you know, whatever. And comedy clubs. Don't forget.

Come out to the comedy clubs. You will not get infected. Just relax, especially if you're young. I don't want to be the guy that poo-poos this coronavirus, but the truth is if you're under 50 and you're in decent shape,

you're fine, especially you're going to be fine at Copper Blues in Phoenix on the 19th to the 21st. And also, I'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix on the 22nd of March Boston, Massachusetts

Laugh Boston April 2nd through the 4th and then I will be at Boise at Liquid Laughs on the 16th through the 18th of April and then April 23rd through 25th Sacramento Punchline come on out check out those dates let's finish

it out with the uh sunday comics all right you love it mike you love it wow this one this first one gave me a sneak peek of one of them this first one is uh hager the horrible oh i didn't see that i mean and i don't know how many people remember the old comic strips. They mean a lot to me because I read, they were my first exposure to comedy as a child,

reading the comic strips. And I love them. And Hager the Horrible is one about an old Viking. He's a rapist and he murders people. And they have a cute comic about him. So in this one, his wife, who's wearing a helmet with the horns coming out of it is sitting and having coffee with another woman and uh the other woman says my husband gives me an allowance and his wife who i believe is named helga says that's nice and the woman goes i know it's like i'm being paid to plan my own escape

because she's being abused domestically yeah i mean but that's fine aren't they cavemen they're they're vikings oh vikings sorry the vikings there's also a caveman one right but uh yeah all right vikings that's fine that's fair There's also a caveman one, right? But yeah, Vikings. That's fine. That's fair. Isn't there MO rape and pillage?

Isn't that literally what it says? Absolutely. That's what they pat on the top of the door as they go out of the ship, like rape and pillage. And that's why if you get your ancestor DNA done, everybody's got a little bit of Asian or a little bit of asian or a little bit of uh nordic ah because it was either a gangas khan pronounced by the way jangis khan even though people will fucking argue with me about that oh it's like a jif jank it's a gif and uh people but uh you you'll get a little asian from jangis khan they raped and pillaged around the fucking you ever see a map of where the Mongols conquered? Well, my dad has black hair

from Ireland. Four continents. That's Spain, right? Isn't it the Armadas that went up there and fucked Ireland? Yeah. The Black Irish, they call them. I wish I got tanner skin because of it. I missed out on that. My dad has tanner skin. Yeah. You look for that silver lining. Yep.

This one is the family circus. How was the rape great grandma? Will I be tanner? Tell me what it looked like. Tell me what it looked like. This is Can he grow a beard? I can't.

Why do I suck at soccer? This is family circus, which is all I love because it's just one frame it's just one frame and the mom who's uh kind of a milf oh you know look at look at this picture of her yeah she's you know she's got like that uh short liza minnelli haircut good breast yeah it looks like david byrnerne. But it also looks like she photoshopped her waist smaller like they do now on selfies. So the boy, and I think his name is Donnie. He's the main character in

Family Circus. Everybody hates Donnie. He's like the Mickey Mouse of cartoons. And he says to the mother, Mommy, did you used to be sexy? She's bending down, listening to him, and he's holding a bowl she's holding a bowl so on a mixing spoon in it honestly what the fuck yeah how can you let that go out the door like he's just robbing new by the way that frame you might as well write 50

fucking things that the kid says yeah it has nothing to do with the bowl there's no story yeah it doesn't leave you wanting to know more right it's just oh that kid said something that he didn't realize was kind of inappropriate mommy was daddy uh your second choice like just shit him out just fucking shit him out right 50 in a half hour and then a giant makes me know how fucking rich this guy is his name is jeff keen and his name is giant in the corner. He wants you to know. And then on the left side, it says Bill Keen Incorporated.

Yeah, that means that's his son or grandson still living off this, the grandfather's bullshit. Distributed by King Features Syndication. Well, that's the, yeah, that's the. That's the son. That's part of King World, I think. No, I think the guy, oh, right but it's why are they maybe listen i don't want you know

maybe it's really sad maybe there are people who are like uh and that means something to them every day what could explain that piece of shit yeah being in a national where was that in the net it's syndicated right and that's once a week you've got fucking seven days to come up with one frame and that's your frame yeah oh my god we got to do our own comic strip every week mommy i thought this was just for haircuts there that's 10 times fucking better he's holding a bowl at least address your illustration. I'm so fucking furious. Mommy, can I lick the ball? Daddy says he likes licking the ball. And he says you like when he licks the ball. Oh, my God.

All right. Maybe it's harder than it seems. All right. Finally, speaking of sexy, let's get to it. You guys know this is how we always end Sunday Papers. And it's Blondie. Oh, that little vixen. That little latex vixen what was that did you see the

brit hume story oh yes that was great brit hume if you if you missed this story go back and find it he's a newscaster on fox news he is officially the crustiest old white guy yeah he's like like that's how he talks and he showed a screenshot of a story that he was doing, that he was doing. And he didn't realize that you could see the open tabs on his internet browser. And one of them said, and I,

I should have written it down, but it's like vinyl, vinyl Vixen, sexy vinyl Vixens. And, uh, it's spread everywhere. And that's it.

Whatever reputation you've built out in the 50 years you've been in the business is gone. I don't know. At this point, won't he get credit for it? Because he's so ancient and old. I just know he's going to have a lot of nicknames. I know there's going to be a lot of... Also, is he married? Now he has to buy two of them.

Yeah, right. Fast. Yeah. She's like, how am I going to get this on in the wheelchair? Dagwood walks in the door, this fucking guy,

and he's wearing a bow tie so he looks like a dick. His hair is slicked back. He's got that one cowlick that goes backwards and he gets, of course, this big smooch from Blondie and she's up on her tiptoes while she kisses him accentuating her calves you've seen her calves they're like bowling

they're pretty great yeah and uh and the dog is the blue dog is always staring right at them because he knows they're gonna fuck he knows they're fucking coming that's what dogs can sense and she says fear and future fucking. So Dagwit says, did you and Tootsie, put a lot of fucking effort into that name back in the 50s when this thing started, did you and Tootsie have fun shopping for new shoes at the mall? And she says, actually, it was a little disappointing. And then in the second frame, she takes a step back,

allowing you to see breasts that have a shelf. You could put a fucking fishbowl on the top of her tits, and it would sit flat. And she's wearing a tight sweater that cinches in at the waist, and she says, we walked into the shoe store and found exactly what we were looking for. Dagwood, confused. Why was that disappointing?

Third frame, now she's walking and she says where's the challenge in that? And that's what I love about these 50s comics. I almost asked, wait, say it again because I kind of couldn't follow it. Never mind, I withdraw the question. I don't care. I just love

how they depict women in these little comic strips. Yeah, how was your day shopping well it's better than fucking Haggard's wife who gets beaten and dragged into the bow of a ship or whatever the fuck happens over there rubbing salve on her from the venereal diseases her husband brings back from the orient

oh man alright we've done it Mike Gibbons we've done our first Sunday papers. We've done Sunday papers before, but this is the first one in what will be a series. That's right. If you didn't know this, Mike and I are going to start doing Sunday papers on a regular basis.

We're going to do a couple. We're going to put out there for you guys to enjoy for free. And then we're going to invite you to support us through Patreon. And so the Fitz Dog Radio podcast will go out every week uh as it's always been but then the uh sunday papers will go out probably do what every other week maybe we'll try to do it we'll see if there's a demand if there's a demand then we'll do it even more i need the money to short the market yeah so uh get involved and we'll let you know how to get on Patreon after these first couple.

And we look forward to taking this journey with you. Thank you for listening, however many people you are. Yes. Thank you so much. And thank you to our fine producer. I assume she's going to be producing this. She produces Fitz Dog Radio, Andrea Gilletti. And we'll catch you guys next time. Back in the news. I assume she's going to be producing this. She produces a fitz dog radio, Andrea Gilletti. And,

uh, we'll catch you guys next time. Back in the news. It's on our tag. I don't know. We don't even know. We need a tag. What is back?

Are we still recording? What is back in the news? We need an ending. I don't know. Happy Monday, but it's not, I don't know. Yeah.

Sunday papers out. Close. Kindling pile. don't know. Yeah. Sunday papers out. Sunday papers. Kindling pile. There it is. Yeah. Just do that. Throw it in the fire. There you go.