Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg & Mike Ep 5: 4/6/20

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

We cover Corona in Germany, Louis CK’s new standup special and Kobe getting into the NBA Hall of Fame. Plus of course Family Circus an Blondie. Don’t miss what you missed this week!

You can read it in the Sunday Papers. Read it in the Sunday Papers. All right, read all about it. It's the Sunday Papers coming to you April 5th, 2020. We are about 10 days short of what they think will be the peak of coronavirus here in Los Angeles. Mike, how are you feeling? Wait, how many days? I don't know. They say we're two weeks behind New York, and New York is Angeles. Mike, how you feeling? Wait, how many days? I don't know.

They say we're two weeks behind New York, and New York is peaking now, isn't it? No, no, it's not. By the way, did you see the images of Central Park, them building, like, medical tents? No. It's harrowing. It's like, you know, wasn't it Hooverville was there

during the Depression? Yeah. You know, with all these shanties. And then you you just you know i've obviously seen it in other countries but i think those white you know sort of unmistakable medical tents i think they're constructing little villages in central park um but no they are far from peaked yet okay sadly that's good what i don't want to miss the peak oh my god um i should say up top i'm a little out of it uh out of the news this week i did this fundraiser comedy fundraiser

thing comedy gives back but anyway i lost the last four days i mean solid like it was 12 hour days trying to organize a thing via Zoom. And it was kind of nightmarish, the organization part. The fundraiser was Saturday, yesterday, and it came off great. But so I'm a little out of it. Like I haven't watched the numbers. I think last week I said I was encouraged by Italy. And Italy's numbers seem to, you know, be plateauing, which is great.

That's pretty good. to, you know, be plateauing, which is great. That's pretty good. So I'm going to try to be positive because I'm also becoming aware of the fatigue. I think people are starting to feel it when they know, like you just said, New York's peaking. No, not peaking at all. So it's April 5th, which we're going to get back to in a second. And then we're what?

Are we indoors till April 30th at least? Is that the idea? Yeah, that's the idea. That's a long haul. That's a long haul. And the honeymoon period is starting to end. You know, like early on, it was like my son was home from college. We did a puzzle.

We were at rollerblading. You know, there was still like golf courses were open. Yeah. You could play tennis at the beach. Right. And then all that shit shut down. And all of a sudden you start to like whatever little things annoy you about your family members suddenly get very big. And my temper has gotten short.

I've yelled at everybody in the house so far. Wow. Followed by an apology pretty soon after. Screamed up. Also screamed at them. What's that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's always like, no, the best apologies are I'm sorry that you. Yeah. I'm sorry if you took my yelling the wrong way. Yeah. Fuck. I'm sorry that when I swung at you. Yeah. You didn't duck fast enough um so but it's but it's still a honeymoon period it's still sweet i'm loving having my family around and uh by the way

uh you of course forgot to wish me a happy birthday today uh first of all ass i did last night uh but you did have to tell me it was your birthday. I forgot. Meanwhile, your birthday is April 11th. Who's the first person to always call you on your birthday? I don't know. Is it you? Who always gets you a present on your birthday?

You don't do that. I used to. I did for a while. That's very sweet of you. I did for a while, and then I never got one from you, so I said, fuck it. I'm going to stop buying Mike presents, which isn't the spirit of giving it all. If you're going to give somebody a present, it should be because you want to give them a present. I'm going to teach him.

Yeah. I'm going to buy myself a present. I'm going to buy that Woody Allen book. We'll get to it when we get to entertainment. Okay. Yeah, we got a lot to get to. But talk about this comedy gives back thing. Tell us on that. Yeah, it was on YouTube. I guess it's still on there. I think they you know, it's not you can watch it.

Oh, my God. And McGill, it was over seven hours. Each hour was had a different host from Howie Mandel, Bob Saget, Whitney Cummings, Roy Wood Jr., Tom Papa, and then Patton Oswalt. And they hosted over an hour each. And there was like 50 or 60 or more comics involved. So it was quite an undertaking. So would the host talk to each guest as they came on? Mostly, but then some were pre-tapes. So some people would send it in, you know, you know, Bill Burr and Bert Kreischer did a podcast, you know, that was like a pre-recorded,

they sent that in. Sandler talked live to Whitney. I produced Whitney Cummings' pod, and she was awesome to work with. Totally easygoing, thank God. Howie, a little less easygoing up top. And the technical difficulties, man, of doing this remotely. I mean, Howie's in his basement in a room, and he has a script that is constantly changing, even during the show. And he has to throw to people, and people are coming up on his Zoom.

And in Saget's, it was Attell and Jeff Ross trying to do bumping mics from different coasts. It was it was it was kind of it was a big undertaking. Well, this is great for Harry Mandel. This is like a nirvana for him. Everybody's quarantined. Nobody's gonna try to shake his hand. And it's a giant. I told you so from him.

He gets his he gets his time to say, I was right. I was way ahead of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We had a fun. The producers, though, would be texting during the Zoom meetings. And it's great.

I mean, it was Jeff Cesario, Mason Steinberg, Chuck Sklar, Ben Giaflalo, and Tom Johnson. And we were just like, because the technical stuff was so challenging, I don't even want to go into it. But like switching companies, moving over to Zoom. And then, you know, Zoom is in our business news, I guess. They're getting hacked now. Meetings are getting hacked. What wouldn't you want to hack more? And what would you want to hack more than this giant comedy telethon? Like if you could pop on the screen and start screaming racial slurs, that's a dream come true. As opposed to the comedians

that are saying racial slurs anyway. Yeah, exactly. But we had a thought during it. Oh, I lost my train of thought. I forget what we were joking about. You mentioned Bill Burr. I just got to tell you something funny. So this morning, because it was my birthday,

my family Zoomed me. it was like a big surprise it was my uh my niece and my nephew and my sister and her husband and then i was sitting there with my daughter and son and wife and uh and we're all small like i weigh 150 my wife weighs about 122. My son's about 130. About 122. Yeah. Ish. At last night's weigh-in, she was 122. Okay. And my daughter's about 115. So it's like the four of us can sit on a small couch shoulder to shoulder and be in a shot on Zoom.

So we're talking to my niece, nephew, and everybody. And then all of a sudden, my text popped up on my screen. And it was from Bill Burr. And he goes, dude, have you figured out how to suck your own cock yet? That's perfect. I don't know if it showed up for my niece and nephew, but my kids started laughing their asses off. That's a good birthday.

Hopefully, that was regarding your birthday, or that was just a random text? Just random text. Nice. No, Bill will call me up, and we both do this racist Boston guy character. Oh, you mean a Boston accent? A Boston accent.

And then we'll both start doing it, screaming it back and forth to each other for, I don't know, 20 to 30 minutes. And then literally just go, all right, see you, man, and just hang up. Like no conversation, no information. That's your meditation. That's your release. That's your yoga. Well, that's good, man man good for you for doing that because i know you didn't get paid and that was a long week but uh you raised four hundred thousand dollars for this amazing charity if you guys want to donate it's called comedy gives back yeah please do if you if you can spare it uh and

you like comedy uh this podcast here is free so So just take the money, five bucks you would have given us. And it's for, you know, especially touring comedians, but real up and comers who are, don't hardly make any money at all. Just like when you started out, you know, I told a lot of the talent I was dealing with. It's very grounding. It's very sort of on point, I should say, for them to talk about how poor they were. And Bill Burr did that. Bill Burr was like he saved up money before he moved to New York because he has such an anxiety level when things become unknown. So he needed to have money in the bank. And he talked about this like six thousand or seven thousand dollars that he had in the bank. And then he moved to New York and he knew when it

dipped below three thousand, like five months into being in New York, like he was he felt he never took a cab. And it's just a crazy, crazy struggle. They're making no money. And so a lot of them, it's their grants. And, you know, listen, Kevin Brennan made fun of it like crazy that it's a five hundred dollar grant. But, you know, when you hearrennan made fun of it like crazy that it's a 500 grant but you know when you hear bill's story 500 could go a long way hopefully it's for food if they can't pay rent they won't do that and if they can't pay their lease on a car or whatever they won't do that so this 500 hopefully goes to medical bills and well it also helps older comics there's like a lot of guys that have been on the road all these years and they just worked. They worked week to week and now they're older and they're not working at all.

And they're sitting in their offices at the airport doing a podcast with a friend from college. So you can text Laugh Aid, the word Laugh Aid to 707070. That's 707070. I think that's still up or just go to Comedy Gives Back on their website. And shout out to Zoe Friedman and company for starting this foundation. Yeah. Jodi Lieberman and... Oh, and Jodi

Lieberman. Yeah. Yep. And oh my God, I'm so tired. I'm just spacing on names. I'll get in a minute. I'm going to scream her name in a minute. All right. Well, listen, let's get to the news. That's what this podcast is all about yes front page uh big story this week is amber jay and amber jay amber jay i'm sorry amber holy shit she's a friend too totally spaced uh trump announced saturday he's deploying

1 000 medical personnel to new york city to help battle the coronavirus uh this will include doctors nurses respiratory specialists and others um he and it's and he's and i guess the military is being sent there as well. It's hard. He's promised so many things that then don't come, and he says things that just aren't true. And I'm not slamming him. I'm just saying this is a new, I am, but this is a new story. It's all right, sure.

Yeah, okay, send all you got. Yeah. Fine. Shouldn't that have been a while ago? Yeah. That should be the news. I think New York was really the example of what not to do so far, you know. And then, you know, luckily Cuomo came in. He's the hero. Do you think he'll run for president? And do you think if he does, he has a shot? Wait a minute. This time around? Yeah. Well, that's what the Republicans would want.

You know that. You know, back in the day, Jesse Jackson, African-American social activist and all that. And this unbelievably charismatic and moving speaker. He was running for the Democratic ticket. And they did a study that most of his funding came from Republicans because they're like, yeah, absolutely. Not only keep them in the race to fragment the Democratic Party and all that, but they would love nothing more than if or push that you see, it's going to become a Republican talking point. Yeah, that's your guy. Your guy's Cuomo, not Biden, not Biden. Your guy is the guy who's unprepared to run right now and isn't doesn't have the perfect record at all. Like they could probably dismantle him.

Well, which means the Russians are probably going to start absolutely on Facebook as well. have the perfect record at all like they could probably dismantle him um well on the side which means the russians are probably going to start uh absolutely on facebook as well um so new york my uh my mother-in-law lives in new york city yeah and she's you know the sweetest lady she's got to be like 79 years old lives on the upper west side and she's walking down the street the other day and walking down the sidewalk guys walking towards her so she goes into the street he goes into the street right and then she walks back to the sidewalk he walks back to the sidewalk and then she walks past him she walks another block and then all of a sudden he comes up from behind her gets in front of her and coughs in her face on purpose what yeah and she just has been completely freaked

out ever since then she's like afraid to go outside now that's reminding me of a story like isn't it a crime like also to knowingly give someone a disease oh of course right yeah yeah yeah yeah i remember that happened with aids they found the people that were wrecked that didn't inform their partners that had aids that's what it is to them went to jail that's what it is yeah where they gave aids to 50 other guys yeah um that's awful uh oh that's scary you know i went out um a few days ago my girls were here i had to go to the pharmacy which is like a very short walk away. I go out to Main Street here in Santa Monica, which is not much of a Main Street. Wasn't even

before this, but now it's just nothing. And then this really ragged sort of very, you know, poor guy, this homeless guy sees me coming, looks right at me. And I'm like, oh, fuck, because I'd like to help out. But now, like, am I going to throw money at him am I going to like drop it like here you get you know how many hands is this guy touched in the last you know and you know a million reasons so I'm walking up to him

and I just would like that he says nothing and as I get closer literally I get closer here it comes and he goes go home that's what he tells me to do I get close to him. Here it comes. And he goes, go home. That's what he tells me to do. Homeless guy told me to go home. I'm like, you're right.

You're right. I have to. My daughter's, it's a prescription. I got to go in there. But you're right. You're right. You're right. No, he sees it as cultural appropriation.

That's all he told me to do. That's all he wanted was for me to go home. It's like, dude, you have a fucking home during a pandemic. Yeah. Why would you be a free range person like me? Yeah. All of us complaining about, oh, my God, we have to be in our places. Yeah. With running water and food and cooking. I know. I know. Yeah. It's it's really rough on homeless people. I mean, Jesus, I don't know. Because there's less people that are volunteering to give out food.

Isn't it going to wipe them out? Really? Well, God, I feel awful saying that, but again, I've been out of it. Maybe a lot of articles have been written this week, but talk about compromised immune systems. But talk about compromised immune systems. And then they're just out like, OK, so I guess let's make the leap and assume a lot of them get it. So, OK, a lot of them get it. Are they surviving?

Right. Fucking founds a Wayne guys, 52 or whatever he was. Yeah. And I'm hearing about a lot of young people getting now. I don't know their medical conditions, but some of them are saying there's no known compromise that we knew of like yeah we're a diabetic right so i don't know and then chris cuomo chipped his teeth he was shivering so bad no yeah like and uh sanjay gupta or whatever whatever these clowns but and cuomo both chris cuomo is such an attention whore, but he's still doing the show, like was anyway, from his basement. And Sandra Cooper, as politely as he could on this satellite sort of thing, was like, you know you can take a day off. You have the virus.

You're telling us you chipped your tooth. Your shivering was so intense last night. I don't get it. I mean, for most people, you get sick. Like, here's the guy I hate is like, it's a retirement party. And they're like, you know, Bill never missed a day of work in 40 years. It's like, is that something to be proud of? Like, how many fucking dance recitals for your daughter did you miss?

Yeah, exactly. How many times did you come to work sick and get everybody else fucking sick right because you couldn't relax what are you worried someone's gonna take your job relax screw bill yeah exactly um all right toilet paper by the way uh yeah i do i i didn't i i had some that were from costco before this happened so i have a bunch by it and luckily the girls didn't go through that. I mean, I gave them a speech about, you know, they use a lot. Two sheets.

Two sheets per wipe. And they're three ply. I'm like, that's six fucking sheets, girls. That's right. Just especially your pee. Holy shit. I should get you a pee towel in there and we'll just throw it in the laundry at the end of the day.

Oh, that's not a bad idea. I think it's called a tampon though. If you use three sheets, I sometimes will do three sheets and do a fold over, but not on an early wipe. The first wipe clearly is its own. That's his own man. You take him down, it goes in. But on the third or fourth wipe, and again, I'm 54 now, you go for three or four wipes. On the later ones, I'll use three sheets and do a fold over. After three, not to get gross, but after three wipes, you're really spackling. You're not, that's what you're doing at that. You should just jump in the shower. Yeah, yeah. Well, I wanted to get a bidet, but the cheap ones that you can get one for like 70 bucks or you could.

But then when this whole toilet paper thing happened, there was a run on bidets also. So you can't find one online unless you want to get like, you know, like there's a three hundred and fifty dollar one. But, you know, you plug it in and it's got a remote control and it's heated and uh and it has different strengths and apparently it's pretty enjoyable i mean as opposed to the cold water one which has just got to be right i mean in the soft part of your ass it's got to be like getting fucked by a snowman you know that can't that can't feel good but you think about like do that just to wake like $350 one. Those must be nice. Well, so on George Lopez's show, which I worked on, they outfitted all the dressing rooms with this top of the line, crazy Japanese toilet that does everything you're talking about.

And it's top of the line. The problem became on that show. We had to cut the first three minutes of every celebrity's interview on camera because all they did was talk about the toilet. So we're like the network loved. Of course, we kept the first couple. But then it's like, is this the show that talks about toilets? Like all of a sudden, we're the late night show that talked about toilets. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I can imagine like, you know, what what Ellen De what Ellen DeGeneres' toilet bidet must be like. It probably grooms your asshole and sprays cologne. It's two poor Latina women that live in her bathroom. And they put their hands in there and she sits down on their forearms and then their hands do it all for her. Boy, she's been in the news. It seems like a lot of people are, and you and I would never talk badly ever, even though we both work for her. But it seems like a lot of people are sort of like, there's exposés going on about that she's not a nice person.

That's what I'm hearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knew? Who knew? Right. She and I get along very well, I have to say. Maybe it's because I didn't last on on her show that long maybe that preserve that's kind of like kind of like what we're learning about families i think uh distance makes the heart grow gentler in some ways all right here's another story oh look at that paper los angeles here's a local story uh la prosecutors friday friday filed criminal charges against two smoke shops, a shoe store and a discount electronics retailer, accusing them of refusing to shut down despite orders imposed to fight coronavirus.

So this is the safer at home order and all non-essential businesses are supposed to close their doors and then a paddle boarder was arrested arrested i saw his day they have video of it oh really oh yeah yeah he's on a paddle board in mountain famous malibu beach and uh surf rider beach there and uh and the boats had to come like surround him. He just wouldn't come in. Wouldn't come in. I mean, I saw the video. I'm like, you know, there's no, the audio is very far away. So no one's narrating it or anything. But yeah, I guess he was out there like over, you know, half hour.

And, you know, one thing is like, why don't you let surfers go out there? They're always more than six feet apart. I mean, I shouldn't say that. A lot of surfers now, the point is only 10 feet wide and everyone but generally you could be far away and uh but i think they have to have the rule because everyone would go to the ocean you know everyone's by the way la but also i think like if you're paddleboarding is the most mind-numbingly boring thing i've ever done in my life like i can't imagine being so passionate about it that you would defy the police and have to get surrounded. Like I could see.

I remember in college having sex with a girl and her roommate was coming home. And like locking the door so you could finish. I get that. But fighting that hard to paddleboard. That's a weird analogy, but okay. Yeah, all right. Were you standing on her? I'm trying to get the link between the two things.

Paddling? Maybe paddleboarding. Well, I should say maybe like jerking off and your mother is knocking on the door to wake you up for school. And you barricade the door so you can finish jerking off like i can get that but why but do you want to be that passionate about paddleboarding yeah i guess he really was clinging to his his rights or the rights that he understood and yes the other thing i've heard though is that the oh you shouldn't be on the ocean because there is a fair amount of fecal waste in the ocean and that it it sprays up and you get infected with it when you're in the ocean. So they don't think it's

a safe place to be, especially after rain in L.A. By the way, we have a rainy week ahead of us. And I know all you listeners out there, if you're like, oh, my God, L.A., you guys are such pussies. You're right. That's my exact point. And I think people this week are going to crack, pussies. You're right. That's my exact point. And I think people this week are going to crack. Not that people are going out a lot, but everyone I know tries to step outside for at least part of the day, whether it's a little walk. A lot of people are walking their dogs, whatever. But when it rains here, our city's sort of ill-equipped to deal with it. We don't have a lot of like overhangs like other cities do where you can go outside and not to get that wet. Houses will leak, of course, every time it rains out here. So anyway, we're in for it.

Four days of rain starting, starting in about an hour or two. Yep. It's going to be, it's going to be time to, by the way, we have a jigsaw puzzle. If you want to borrow it, we already finished it. so all of you touched it at least a thousand times i just want to make sure what i'm getting do you have a jigsaw puzzle i'll fucking take it uh no you just order one i get i haven't ordered from amazon in three weeks because i i figured they're inundated so i haven't uh but can't you just order it um i ordered toilet paper online about three weeks ago, and it's due in another two weeks. So I don't know how fast they're moving puzzles through the mail. Why don't you cut up your toilet paper into little odd shapes and do that, and then tape them back together and wipe them? And when you finish, you go, look, it's a shit.

Yeah, there you go. I actually scored some toilet paper. I went down. I was in Wal was in uh walgreens yeah and i saw this guy uh stocking the shelves and i walked over and i go uh i gave him 20 bucks and i said when's the next shipment of toilet paper coming in and he goes not tomorrow but the next day we do it overnight so be here before 9 a.m so i got there at like 8 30 and there was already like 10 people in line ahead of

me. But I got in, I scored two nine packs. So I got 18 rolls of toilet paper right now. So, God, it's so hack to talk about. But like, honestly, what is it? Don't people have enough now when you go out of Costco with that thing? I think it's like 36 rolls or something like that. Like, hasn't this slowed down? I also I don't understand the lines outside like that. Like, well, hasn't this slowed down? I also, I don't understand the lines outside supermarkets. Like, first of all, we're that many people shitting at work. Like I'm just trying to do. Oh, that's true. A lot of people are getting shit out at work. I guess that's what it is. Right. Because it's like, yeah, I mean, maybe some people are shitting a little more because of anxiety, but like that hasn't changed't changed so i don't it's not like it's

like i understand masks or run on masks hardly any houses had masks every house had toilet paper i'm not kind of following this thing and i'm shitting more because i it's one of the few things i truly enjoy being stuck at home i like the feeling of shit coming out of my ass and so even if i get a hint of a shit i I'll go in. And in the past it would have been one bowel movement. Now I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm turning it into two. Okay. That seems weird. I'm just anyway, but you don't enjoy taking a shit. Yeah. I guess I don't, I don't think about it as vividly and in such graphic detail as you.

I do. Sure. Sometimes I don't't sometimes it's a really big inconvenience like i don't want to do that now well i'm not talking about you're out and you have to find a bathroom no that's a different thing i'm talking about being bored in the house you can't have sex because uh your kids are around and you smell like shit yeah and so you feel a little thing in your ass and uh you know it's, it's, it's, there's a lot of nerve endings back there. It feels pretty good. You know what? Sit the wife and kids down tonight

and just be like, I'm thinking I can, I can keep up this three shits a day. And they're like, you know, dad, just throw a jerk off in there. Bring it down to two shits a day. We'd rather you disappear and jerk off all of us knowing knowing you don't have to lock the door like you did with your mom in that weird example, the paddle boarding. But but when I jerk off, that's a half roll of toilet paper. I cover my chest, my stomach. I roll it all over the place. Oh, my God. And then when I'm done, I take a little bit of extra and I wrap it around the head of my cock. So that for that later drip, I don't let that drip in my underwear. It's like a little cock tampon. You're very detailed on your birthday. You're very detailed today. I'm having a great birthday. I'm loving

it. All right. Um, let's do one more story from the front pages. Jason Hargrove, a bus driver in Detroit. He posted a Facebook video. Poor guy. He talked about this woman on his bus that he was driving, coughed four or five times, unguarded. And he put out this video cursing at her. It went viral. And it went viral.

And it really makes you think about, you know, everybody talks about the nurses and the doctors, and God bless them. They are, you know, putting their lives on the line. But so are bus drivers. So are cashiers at supermarkets. You know, the buses in L.A., from what I heard, you do not enter the front door. They're all free. And you enter the back door.

Oh, OK. Sounds like this the back door. Oh, okay. Sounds like this girl I dated in college, Rachel. So this guy- Shout out to Rachel. You remember her, right? No, I don't. Yeah. Oh, backdoor free Rachel?

Yeah. Very popular. Yeah. A lot of people signed her yearbook. Yeah. I got the back page. And then you just pull a cord to get off. And a lot of people coughing.

A lot of people coughing on that. Yeah. And so, yeah, he died. He got coronavirus and he died. I know. It's so sad. I read that story. And I know. It's so sad. I read that story and I know he is a bus driver and the father of six and lives in Detroit. So that guy's immune system was already so compromised.

Can you imagine the pressure of six children and you're a bus driver in Detroit? Yeah, that's that's not an easy. I mean, listen, maybe the guy maybe I'm absolutely judging the wrong way. Maybe he had a delightful life and there was no pressure. I can't imagine it. But anyway, it does suck. I mean, even without the dying part, his video went viral for a very good reason. And oh, my God.

And, you know, God, you know, obviously can't can't pinpoint it to that lady. But I don't think that was the only problem. I think that was the last straw for him in terms of people just having no regard for his safety when they would enter his bus and other people's. Yeah. All right. Let's do some. It'll be very interesting. L.A.

Sorry to interrupt. It'll be very interesting. L.A. Sorry to interrupt. It'll be very interesting in L.A. You know, New York, the subways are one of the biggest culprits of the spread. So, you know, in L.A., we're all quarantined in our cars. So it'll be interesting to see. I don't know. Hopefully in L.A., you know, Los Angeles, I should say, I mean, California, California got ahead of it a little more. The government did, I should say, than New York. The people in L.A. didn't really get ahead of it, I don't think. But we don't have that subway problem. No, I think we got ahead of it much more than other cities.

I think we've been, you know, I think the northern part of the state, San Francisco, I think less so. But L.A. has been pretty good about shutting it down. Eric Garcetti, the mayor, did a pretty good job. Yeah, he scared people. All right. Let's go to International, Mike. Let's do it. What's going on around the world? Well, in Italy, there's a there's a sense that the worst may have passed. You mentioned it earlier.

You mentioned it earlier. And so when to reopen is the big question, because having the right antibodies to the virus in one's blood is a marker of immunity. And it will soon determine who gets to work and who does not, who is locked down and who is free. So this debate is in some ways ahead of science. Yeah, the jury's out a little. I'm not even sure if that's really true. Right. The jury's totally out on that. But it looks like chickenpox in a way or other viruses where you don't get it again. So the conservative president has proposed a special license for Italians who possess antibodies that show they've beaten the virus. And it's kind of reeks a little bit about a kind of a government crackdown that you don't want

in Europe. It's very brave new world. Yeah. How do you feel about this? Well, first of all, I'm not buying the... There is very encouraging data coming out of Italy, I guess. They think, by the way, way more people have died because a lot of people have died at home. And just like here, the numbers are much higher than what they're reporting just because so few people get tested. Like out here, so it's a lot to digest. So one piece of good news

statistically is I think it has a higher, a lower mortality rate. For instance, in the U.S., we're looking at the amount of deaths compared to the amount of cases we have. But we are turning bona fide cases away from the hospital and those don't get put in the case count. And so we're just counting these really bad cases that are so bad, they're admitted to hospitals. And then out of that, there's 4% or 3% dying or whatever it is. I think it's a little lower in the States. But I think it might even be lower than that, because of so many people that are turned away and don't die. And if you get to the dying part, I think you then go back to the hospital and then you're counted.

So that's my my cousin got it and she called 9-1-1 and they sent the fire department over to take her temperature and her temperature wasn't high enough. So they didn't take her in. So that probably doesn't count. And then she later had a higher temperature and then she got into the hospital germany here you can go and be in really rough shape they were saying especially in especially in new york but uh even out here in california you could be in really rough shape but they they take a blood test also and this is what

they do in germany and they can see, I guess his key point is at the end of week one. And they can see if you're in danger. I don't know how they do that. I wish I knew what I was talking about. But Germany, you know, has famously the lowest death, lowest mortality rate. And they have kind of like what you described is they have these home visits that are happening to anyone that reports it. And they go and I think they administer that blood test and then they can tell if you're coming with them or you're staying there. Right. They call them Corona taxis. These guys are driving around in protective gear and they check on people. And I guess, look, the good news is they can get around pretty fast.

The streets are empty and they say, like, I've talked to people that live in Manhattan, and they say it's really creepy because the city's empty and there's no traffic, but you'll be in your apartment and you just keep hearing sirens. That's what I heard also. It's so sad. Yeah. Yeah, but Germany's doing a great job. We can learn a lot from the way they're handling it.

Well, and they also have more testing and all that is available to them. So the United States not quite doing that. The Germans are very effective people. We've learned that over the years. They're quite efficient. They really are. They're efficient. Yeah. You know, and it really is like they there is an argument that they are the master race. Like they really are more efficient. They're stronger. They're bigger. They're better looking. Oh, boy.

I'm not saying anything should be done about it. I don't think that they should necessarily be able to breed more than other races and certainly not exterminate other races. But there's a really good argument that they are the master race. Well, you do know in this particular instance that there are a good amount of Germans sitting around and all of a sudden they hear like, oh, wait, wait, sorry. Did you just say we're going to go out and round up people? Yeah, I can do that. That's in my blood. I'm reactivating the cell. We go up, we go round up the weaker people. Oh yeah. That, that seems to, uh, that seems to spark something in me that's been there.

Yeah, it seems logical. I hadn't thought about it before this podcast. But, I mean, I'm Irish. We are like the least master race. We are most susceptible to skin cancer and alcoholism and flat feet and wrinkles and bald. And we're just not we are the opposite of the Germans. Yeah. But I think a little of this could be said about the Jews as well. But I think the Irish are kind of like, yeah, of course. Of course.

Like we've been waiting for this other shoe to drop. Like, you know, that's so much. You wonder why writers rooms are just filled, you know know and why so many funny people are irish or jewish it's like uh and african-american as well it's like yeah of course yes this happened yeah how are all of you living like this wasn't gonna fucking happen of course yeah right right things don't end well mike what do you think about entertainment don't end well. Mike, what do you think about entertainment? Hooray for Hollywood. Oh boy, let's get to it. We've already talked about it a little bit, the telethon

and other big news this week. Louis C.K., my good buddy yeah the guy the guy who has helped me literally got me my first tv writing job and then hired me on two other shows to write for got me in at every club in new york when i first moved to new york he personally walked me in and got me into every club this guy moved it he moved into my house when he first moved to venice for like a month and then moved into our neighborhood a block away for years. And our wives became close and our daughters. And I'm so happy to see he's back out touring. He's got a new special out. I haven't seen it yet. It's $7.99 and you can get it at his website.

I saw it. And so tell me about it. How is it? It's, you know, I miss his sense of humor. Um, he seems a little different,

which is completely understandable. You know, he eventually talks about it, uh, at the end and he goes, all right, should we talk about it? You know,

he's very real, very Louie as you'd imagine. I didn't really love how we talked about it um and then as far as the rest of the comedy how did he talk about it what'd he say well aren't you gonna watch it I shouldn't give that away all right all right uh you know I think he's gonna be hit pretty hard about how he but but but it's already out that cat's already out of the bag, I think. You know, he opens with the line in that section. Like, here's, you know, here's, and hopefully I'm not slaughtering this. Here's what I've learned.

Here's what I can speak to, I guess, as an expert now. If you ever ask someone if you can masturbate in front of them and they say yes, follow that up with are you sure not exactly an apology or an admission of guilt it sort of blames the person yeah yeah um under the banner of blaming himself uh that's what i mean i think there's gonna be but listen i try to back away from it i'm uh i'm gonna talk about wo there's gonna be but listen i try to back away from it i'm uh i'm gonna talk about woody allen in a minute i'm trying to back away from it and not and i just wanted to judge him as a comedian and there was some really really funny stuff and

there's funny stuff about people who think that jesus you know wasn't a jew that he was what do you think he was catholic and there's a really funny bit about that. And there's funny bits about other stuff. But boy, he really, some things, it's distracting. Like he'll mention at some point, like liking masturbating. It's like, yeah. And then that's not the section where he goes into it. So it's kind of, it's very hard.

I sat down, I'm like, I am going to just watch this comedian whose comedy I love. That's what I'm going to do. And I'm going to compartmentalize because he'll get to it. I'm going to compartmentalize the scandal. And then it was too often where he talked about he talked about things that were, you know, in that area. Yeah, right. And well, I swear, like I would listen to Sirius XM. They have a raw. They have like three like I would listen to Sirius XM. They have raw.

They have like three or four comedy channels on Sirius XM. But there's one called Raw Dog. And I swear to God, somebody in there had it in for Louie because every clip they would play was him talking about masturbating. Right. Over and over again. And I know he talked about it a lot, but not every fucking thing he said was about masturbation. Yeah. I mean, I know I've talked about masturbation quite a bit on this podcast, and I just hope someday when I get caught doing something, one of you guys isn't like editing together

clips of it. Well, there goes the call out. No, but I would say he also talked about like his gorgeous new girlfriend that he met in paris and like oh god and i'm like i don't think you should uh be talking about that and you know and he does in a self-deprecating way like he but he talks about a gorgeous and like that you know but she you know his old routine like and she's having sex with this and he gestures at his body yeah but that i't know, that just rings hollow. Yeah, you're famous and rich also. There's also that.

But, and then he talks about not marrying again. But she's also famous and rich, by the way. I don't know that, but, you know. Yeah, she won like the equivalent of the Oscar in France. She's a famous comedian. Oh, he didn't go on about that. Oh, well, all right, same business. But he talks about, yeah, not getting married again.

He talks about just dating. He's like, listen, who am I kidding? Oh, he has a very funny thing about being closer to the end of your life just naturally and by being old. And then but he had some line like, listen, I'm just being very real about this. He's like, I'm 52 or whatever he is, 51 or something. He goes, I need three girlfriends to get three girlfriends in their forties to get me through my fifties. I need two girlfriends in

their fifties to get through my sixties. And like, just talking like that, I'm like, are you just trying to seal the deal that no women will listen to you again? Like it, Like, anyway, it was funny though. I was laughing. Yeah. Bad news this week also. Let's see. Our good friend David Spade, who has had a talk show called Lights Out with David Spade

on Comedy Central. It was dropped. It was canceled, which is really weird because, first of all, full disclosure, I've done the show like six or seven times. And I and I love David.

But it seems unfair that during a break you would cancel a show like that when he's out there doing the show streaming on the Internet. He's continuing to do the show and killing it and killing it. Interviewing all the Tiger King people. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't fucking get it. And you know, I'm really well. You were the head writer on his. Yeah, no, David's awesome.

And one of the nicest guys. I will add some context. Comedy Central wiped out all of their executives in this merger with CBS, Viacom or whatever. I don't even know if you can call it a merger because they used to be in the same company. Now they're back anyway. So a huge changing of the guard has happened. And they basically canceled every show except a few. They re-upped Tosh.

They re-upped, obviously, Daily Show. I think they re-upped South Park. But only these mainstay, sort of very lucrative shows. And everything else is gone with the executives that brought them to the air. There's another thing, though, because my first instinct was, no one is going anywhere for another month. Why couldn't you wait till the other side of this to say it's not coming back? Why now when there's a whole other month of quarantine? But it's probably because there were contracts up, I'm guessing. Well, I just think it's a shame because they had tough crowd

with Colin Quinn and this show accomplished the same thing, which was it's a day and date show. It's topical. But more importantly, you're takingians that uh are part of the family people that are doing specials on the network that are you know playing roles in some of the scripted stuff yep and you're you're you're cycling them through on a daily basis you're showing the audience this is our stable of comedians you're keeping their faces out there and i think it's a shame when they don't say yeah maybe this isn't making a ton of money, but it's good for the comedy community. If I were Netflix, I would just just take it. You know what I mean? And be like, I have a feeling somebody will see, you know, just and especially because of the rivalry between Netflix and Comedy Central.

I mean, Netflix just took their whole game. And so if I were Netflix, I would just like, I mean, you're making this too easy. Comedy Central. Right. Well, one last story in entertainment. Larry David thinks that Bernie Sanders should drop out of the presidential race. And he said part of the reason is he doesn't want to have to fly to New York to do the impression on SNL. Yeah. But it's time, Bernie. I know there's the entertainment section, but Bernie Sanders has to understand that if he wants to do what's right at this point, he knows he's not going to get the nomination and he knows he's got followers

that are rabid and there's no way they're going to vote for Joe Biden unless they're given six months to wrap their heads around that and for him to endorse Joe Biden. Otherwise, you know, he's going to cost the election for the Democrats this year. It's such a weird I haven't even looked at the political thing. So it's I guess I mean, some of the primaries have been canceled, right? Or postponed. Yeah, I don't even know where it's at now. But I obviously Bernie Sanders will drop out. I don't even know where it's at now but i obviously bernie sanders will drop out i don't think that's a problem time to go bernie wrap it up there's still a long time before the election we always give some recommendations for things to watch streaming

as well as movies and i'll tell you what movie we well we watched two movies this week did i tell you we watched uh cool hand luke no yeah we watched cool hand lu week. Did I tell you we watched Cool Hand Luke? No. Yeah, we watched Cool Hand Luke, which they fucking loved. And I got to tell you something. You know, Paul Newman was a good-looking gentleman in his day. Oh, my God. Yeah. Are you kidding me? His whole life.

Like, there aren't guys like that alive today that are that manly. Like, he was fucking manly, and was fucking manly and he was cool and he was beautiful i mean i guess brad pitt is kind of like that you know yeah there's very few guys like that but what a great movie holy shit wow that's i don't think my kids would last we watched field of dreams and my oldest couldn't was like i'm out you know corny it's too corny it is kind of corny but uh and it is by by the way it's like well there's really like there's a green screen like when he's in his house in the cornfield and you can see the most obvious green screen world just things you didn't think existed in that so that happened james earl jones though you know ray liotta ray liotta i

guess and uh he's in it oh the funny part was Burt Lancaster's in that movie and he comes up and um Olivia my youngest is still watching at that point and she's like um he kind of talks he really talks old-timey and I'm like well that's how he talked I go the old-timey when people are talking old-y, they're trying to sound like Burt Lancaster. I'm like, he's not talking old timey. That's how Burt Lancaster, you see? Like, that's how he talks. Yeah.

Well, that's like, my pick this week was, we watched A Day at the Races, which is, you know, a lot of people consider the best Marx Brothers movie. Right. So we, and we love the Marx Brothers. When my kids were little, we had a five DVD Marx Brothers collection, and they watched it in rotation. I mean, from the time Owen was eight and she was five, they just watched the Marx Brothers. But Day of the Races was not in that collection. And I don't even know that I had seen it before. Wow. But it's listed on a lot of sites as the best movie. So, we

rent it, and it made it 1937! Wow. Crazy! And they are so fucking funny, and so tight, and the characters are so original, and the music is amazing, and the

whole thing. And you realize, they're not doing this. They're not doing 12 takes and then getting coverage from other angles. They're shooting it twice. Right. That's it. Yeah. And so, uh,

and so we're really digging it. And then towards the end of the movie there, it's the weirdest thing because, you know, the Marx brothers movies are very white. Right. There's no black people. And then all of a sudden there's like the,

you know, there's always like the, uh, the, the young guy and the girl. And there's always a love story that threads through this through the episode through the movie and so uh they're standing at the window and they're they're kind of realizing that they're fucked and everything's going wrong and then they look out the window and there's like a bunch of black people just out of nowhere just a bunch of black people and

they're dancing and the kids are skipping rope and they're all just smiling and it was like the craziest thing and so they go outside and harpo starts playing a flute and then all the black people are following them around like the pied piper oh boy okay and no no no it gets worse and then they uh but it's this beautiful musical number i think it's from porgy and best there's that there's that uh song all um all god's people got rhythm okay so then harpo chico and groucho dive under this uh truck to hide because the bad guys are now coming in after them in the black people's barn. And so, uh, they realized they're about to get caught.

So they look up and there's an axle underneath the truck. And there's grease on the axle, black grease. Here it comes. And me and Joe just start going, no. And they grab handfuls and they start wiping it over their faces. And then they come out and they start singing,

Oh God, children got rid. And they start like escaping from the bad guys with blackface on. Now I get the title, A Day at the Races. It has nothing to do with sprinting or speed. A Day with the Racists. Oh my God. Wow. Yeah, but you realize those guys came out of vaudeville and everybody everybody in vaudeville did blackface right no no i just wasn't that unusual then right no i get it blackface is um i don't know i'd only get in trouble but i bet there's

some defenses of it like in the right context. I mean, men dressed as women. Like, in other words, isn't there if you are making a state? I don't know. I'm not going to talk about it. Obviously, you can't do it for the wrong reasons, which is how every ass munch political leader has done it in the past. So just to just to re-up in case you're just joining the podcast, I believe the Germans are a master race. And Mike Gibbons sees there is a side to blackface. Well, I'm not going to do it. OK, so I don't I don't think I could draw you out into it right now if I want. I don't think it's a simple thing. No, I need more time to think about it. Speaking of inappropriate. So and Woody Allen's book got reviewed this week and I guess it's out and I really more time to think about it. Speaking of inappropriate. So and Woody Allen's

book got reviewed this week and I guess it's out and I really can't wait to read it. He kind of like Louis, he waits a while after after some good sections and towards the last section of the book, it was almost like one of those. All right, I guess we should talk about it. And then he gives his explanation like he's sort of never really given, except in court when twice he was found innocent. And it is interesting. And, you know, I didn't know like there are details. Did you know that Mia Farrow's brother is convicted of sexually abusing minors? Yes. I did not know that. And she was I believe she was sexually abused as a child. And, you know, and one of the you know, one of his kids is defending,

you know, obviously has spent a lot of time defending him and doesn't remember that and talks about me coaching the kids. Listen, I am obviously biased for Woody Allen, but I'm also biased for anyone that might be wrongly. I mean, that's a death sentence, usually just the accusation. And I think the reason it hasn't been totally for him is because not only has been found innocent and sort of it's been investigated twice, but as the as the L.A. Times reviewer said, you know, with Harvey Weinstein, there was such corroborating evidence from so, so many people. And the accusations against Woody Allen are confined to his living room. From one source, from Mia's side of the family, you know, from Mia and the family.

That's it. And he's and he's never allegedly committed that crime again in all these years, which is pretty rare that it's not a serial act. Right. It's very rare that it happens just once. So, again, Jeremy, I heard it's really race. Blackface is OK. Woody Allen is free. And Louis C.K. should be back doing specials. OK. Happy Sunday, everybody. Let's go to the business section. There we go. Well, be careful. Do we talk about the

Zoom thing already? No. About hacking Zoom? Maybe we mentioned it, but yeah, that was a huge, huge, huge concern of this comedy fundraiser that we did yesterday. And the Zoom accounts had to be switched at the last minute with new passwords. And it's a really big problem. The president of Zoom apologized, right?

Yeah. And the government has actually warned people against using Zoom. I mean, there was I read this horrible case about this guy who was a Muslim and he was like the first person in his family to go to college and he was at his he was giving he was delivered maybe it was his master's and he was giving his uh dissertation and he had his family his friends his professors everybody in this auditorium and he's doing it like on a on a zoom and all a sudden, like, a big dick shows up, and they start playing porn, and they start writing, like, racial shit. Yep.

And it's like, so, and not only that, but I hear that all the information that you're putting into Zoom is also going to Facebook, and it's being mined by a bunch of different places. Lovely. And what are we on right now? We're on Zoom, kid. That's right. The Germans are loving it.

What are we saying that can be misused against us? Oh, my God. Yeah. Also in business, OPEC, the meeting of the, what does it stand for? Oil, petroleum? Oil producing, isn't it uh producing something countries so if you don't know what opec is it's everybody oh organization of the petroleum exporting countries oh god it's a way of price fixing countries right all of the all the oil companies got together and they decided to collude so So they got together and I guess Russia and Saudi Arabia have gotten into a big fight. And so there's been a collapse in oil prices because of it.

heard about my shorting or whatever and goes, you should buy this fund that shorts oil because he thinks Russia has an interest in seeing, you know, Trump flail and his economy flail, even though they like him, but they like hurting America. Anyway, whatever the reasons were, you don't have to sell me too hard on shorting. So I bought this thing that shorted and it did very well because of what you're describing this this fight between russia and the and the middle east and uh and the the dropping price of oil and then trump speaking out of his ass once again thursday said i think they're very close to an agreement because there was going to be a meeting on Monday. And it wasn't official, but there was a lot of chatter about this meeting. Russia and the Middle East were going to get together. So Friday, because Trump says that Friday, this shorting fund I have drops 28 percent

in one day because this agreement looks imminent. Friday, then we learned, I guess after the close, Trump completely had no idea what he was talking about. The meeting is off. They're both furious that even someone said it was close to an agreement and it's awful. So I'm so psyched to see, and I don't know what I'm talking about. So these oil prices are going to go back down.

Down. Which will make your fund go up. Trump was saying they prices are going to go back down, which will make your fund go up. Trump was saying they were all going to get together, which seems like price rigging to me, to agree to stop producing oil so the prices will rise. No, that's what OPEC does. That's exactly what they do. Exactly. So that agreement was, I guess, in Trump's brain and nowhere else. And so now I'm really psyched to see. Listen, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm hoping I recoup some of my losses tomorrow. But oil prices are low. Go fill up your gas tank. Have they translated into that? Have you driven by? In LA, it doesn't matter. Our prices never go down in LA. You'll see prices around the country at $1.50 a gallon,

and here it's still $3.50. It's crazy. I have no idea why. I know. I know. Okay, let's get to some sports. We will, we will rock you. There it is. Obviously not a lot of sports to talk about because there are none.

But we can talk about how the Olympics has now been postponed for a year and that the $200 million in funding, represent America, that work for free for years. They train. They get paid like 15 grand a year to train their asses off. And now even that money is not coming in. There's a disturbing detail in that article. So it talks about, yeah, the 200 million cash crunch that could leave athletes without the modest living and training stipends they rely on. The deficit comes while the committee simultaneously makes a push for the 2021 summer games and the 2022 summer winter games in Beijing.

I don't know. Did they just have them there? I don't know. Did they just have them there? Well, not only that, are we really sending the world to China when there's going to be second and third waves? Also, by the way, getting back to Italy, which is related to this in terms of putting Olympics in,

rushing to put Olympics in China, I have to read more about what, you know, these are guaranteed second and third ways of this virus. So like this Italy plan to send the people who have had it back to work. I don't like how do you think this plays out? Like, OK, say you and I do not get it on round one. So but like your neighbor gets it and my neighbor gets it. Now they go back to work because they've gotten it.

Maybe. I guess that's what Italy is playing around with. So they go back to work. So like, I guess the goal, we flatten the curve by not getting it. We have in an ideal world, maybe the curve's flattened. So we don't have it. Now, do we hope, I mean, they say it's over a year before there's a vaccine. So is it like maybe get it when the curve is we're part of the flattened curve on the far end, but we're going to get it.

Like, in other words, and then how many of us get it? And also, how good will that vaccine really be? Because the thing could morph in the meantime. Well, that's the other thing. Yeah. And look at the flu vaccine. They always say this is this year's flu vaccine. It may or may not work because it's not a perfect science to come up with a vaccine for things. Right. Yeah. And I don't know if this one does. What's the word when it modifies itself? Mutates. Yes. I don't know if it's if there are other strains of it. Right. Apparently not yet, but I don't know. So anyway, it seems ill-advised for everybody to rush into China for the Olympics. Or to go to China at all.

Also in the news, Tom Brady, as you know, he's going to be playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season, if there is in fact a season. So he had to move him and his uh dog-faced wife down to tampa needed to buy a house who'd he buy a house from mike gibbons derrick jeter that's right yep derrick jeter's house which is a 30 000 square foot seven bedroom with two boat lifts is he just staying there or did he buy it he bought it they didn't say for how much doesn't sound like a good time to buy no i'm sorry i'm sorry he said he's moving into it i don't know that he bought it yeah imagine that you got the kind of money where

you just go hey i'm not using my place in florida if you want to take that well they said jeter spending a lot of time you know over miami because the marlins so this place is just sitting there and you see what they call you know he bought the surrounding two it's a compound and he bought the two lots around them jeter did and they call it saint jetersburg um yeah they would have their spring training there and he stayed yeah he's like the king of that town dude if you're not if you're not following uh florida man on twitter you're missing literally the funniest thing on twitter yeah it just is all the stories that start with florida like you know like florida man steals atm from uh you know, local convenience store, but then goes back to buy a pack of

cigarettes, like on and on just great Florida man stories. I thought about that Florida man thing. Maybe I'll prepare a thing, but it's like, it's easy to point the finger and listen, Florida is the worst place in the world. I totally get it. And I believe that, but I mean, imagine the headlines you could do with like New york man you know what i mean yeah like you know new york new york man uh you know whether it's son of say new york man kills john lennon yeah new york man son of sam new york man terrorizes largest city in the world and kills 13 girls you know like and there are way yeah but those guys were efficient and focused the criminals in florida there's always a twist. Yeah. Fucked up. They do bad things, but they do it while they're wearing a dress or they do it, you know, while while they're on the phone with their mother.

Yeah. There's always something fun happening besides the crime. Right. All right. I guess you're right about that. Good news. Kobe Bryant. Well, bittersweet news kobe bryant will headline the 2020 basketball hall of fame class um as we know he just died on january 26th in a helicopter crash at 41 years old uh he's also going in with tim duncan kevin garnett so this is like maybe one of the biggest years ever for the uh nba hall of fame yeah i mean i wish i knew more about basketball the kevin garnett everyone's gonna scream sort of surprised me a little duncan i you know friends that i know who know basketball just think he's one of the greatest players of all time obviously but, but like just unbelievable.

And I think better than Garnett. Yeah, I don't know. And obviously I'm wrong. Garnett is, I'm not saying Garnett doesn't deserve to be in there. Maybe not this year, but we'll see. Are those- Garnett, are you kidding me? He's had more triple doubles, the way he drives to the paint,

his outside shooter, his pull-up jump. I'm kidding. I don't know anything about basketball. I was going to say. But that sounded good. Well, Kilbourne, you know, Craig Kilbourne, who used to host a show on CBS, he was a huge fan because Garnett was on the Timberwolves. And then Kilbourne and I went to Timberwolves training camp.

And so we messed around. And Garnett was the greatest guy. He was just in Uncut Gems acting. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And did really, I thought he was really good in that. Yeah. Greatest guy, funny, personable, really nice. And obviously a great player and won one championship with the Celtics. I just didn't, like, I wonder what most basketball fans say, him versus, you know, the other two.

Well, what do you think? What are your opinions? Of course, you can get in touch with us. Just go through my other account, FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com, if you want to comment at all about the show. We love your feedback. I send Mike most of the emails that we get sent to the site. You like reading feedback. I always, I send Mike, uh, most of the emails that we get

sent to the site. Uh, you like reading that stuff, right? Mike. So far you've only sent me positive ones. So that's good. I honestly don't think we've gotten anything negative. People, people love the show. They love the show. I'm low on the show. By the way, we have decided early on, we had kind of like a business model for how we were going to monetize the show. But in light of the coronavirus, we've decided to just just put it out. We want to we want to reach out to people. We want to connect with you guys. And so part of that is not charging and also hearing from you.

So not charging and not having commercials. Yes. Yeah. So so dig that. We'll do one obituary before we move on to the Sunday comics. Of course, it's the great Bill Withers who died. Oh, so good. Oh, my God. My wife, you know, I always kind of knew some of his songs,

but my wife got me really into him when we started dating. And, I mean, Jesus, what a voice on this guy. Hits like this. Wow. Listen to that. Oh, are we pretending to listen right now? Greg? Yeah. Do you hear me? Yeah, we're listening. No. How about this song? Wait a minute. I don't hear a thing. Oh, I see. All right, I just played a couple clips that were really good.

You guys missed it. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Oh, wow. It sounds, what a voice. No, I thought you were. A lovely day, day, lovely day. I thought it was you didn't have the rights to it or something. We were pretending to listen. Oh.

We actually don't have the rights, so it's probably good that I didn't play it because then you get flagged. Yeah. You get flagged by his estate, but he's dead. Who's coming after us? You know, it's that legendary recording live, Carnegie Hall, and they talk about it was the Vietnam War was full blown and it was a rainy rainy night

and they went in there and it was apparently just the most soulful experience and that's the famous album that you hear his song from I think Use Me is the one that gets played a lot from there yeah and he was always a guy they say was kind of misunderstood

by the record companies they didn't really know how to market him from there. Yeah. And he was always a guy they say was kind of misunderstood by, uh, the record companies. They didn't really know how to market him and tried to make him something he wasn't, but he was like, he's a guy who lived a real life. You know,

he, um, he, he grew up in a fucking coal family, you know, West Virginia coal family served in the Navy. And, uh,

he lived a full life before he ever really got into music didn't start music till his 30s yeah he's a guy like merle haggard that like really lived a rough and tumble life and you can kind of hear it in his voice yeah and he was really really modest and you know not going for it you know i saw his like hall of fame speech and um musical and it was just talking about musicians and all of you, and they kill our musicians on that first album is also, but I'll Cooper, all those guys.

And, and it's just a very generous speech and you could just tell it's about musicians. And he talked about even like how a riff would get started in one of his songs. And it was, it was was it was just great. Yeah. All right. It's time, everybody. It's the Sunday papers. Yeah.

No, it's the Sunday. It's the Sunday comics. That's what it is. But by the way, somebody will get to. Well, I'll talk about when we get to it. We're going to start off with one of our favorites, Hager the Horrible, who is a Viking. Yeah, he's the best. He's the best because he's got a wife. he's the best because he's got a wife,

you know, he's a, he's out there and he's pillaging. And, uh, and Mike and I have really come to the realization that pillaging is, uh, rape.

And so in today's comment, you're kind of raping someone's stuff, right? In a way when you're pillaging, you know, I say every week I'm going to like, cause just so people know, Greg has these, I have not seen them. So I'm going to look up because just so people know, Greg has these. I have not seen them.

So I'm going to look up because I want to see like when Hager started to be written because it's kind of ballsy. They've stuck with it in a way. Yeah. Yeah. So I want to look up some of these. And I know a lot of people talk about people have already satirized or whatever, like Family Circus.

They've already gone in and done parodies of them. or whatever, like Family Circus. They've already gone in and done parodies of them. But a lot of those are so often just dirty, which is, some of them are funny no matter what, but obviously that's the easiest way to go is a dirty take on, obviously, kids talking to their mom. But yeah, I'll go check it out. But there's really, thanks for that interlude.

Yeah. I think the overall theme of us reading these comics is that not great for women. Not portraying women in the strongest light because a lot of them were written back in the 50s and even later. But this is the one where Haggard's wife, I think her name is Helda, is talking to her friend. They're having some tea. And the woman goes, how did you and Haggard's wife, I think her name is Helda, is talking to her friend. They're having some tea. And the woman goes, how did you and Haggard meet? And she says, Haggard stormed my father's castle and carried me off. And then Haggard goes, she wouldn't let go of the baked ham.

So not only did he rape her, but he's not even giving her credit for being attractive. Yeah. Right. He carried her off. Now, carried her off is a phrase you have to look a little bit deeper into. So she was in her home with her family and a strange man came in, killed a bunch of people. During the pillaging, yeah.

Kidnapped her. Yeah. And then mocked her for not being attractive enough to steal without carrying food. I'm impressed they had baked hams back then, but I guess so. Thought it would have been roasted. Yeah, or smoked. They used to smoke everything so it would keep. But yeah, so this thirsty little bitch was so hungry she wasn't like a which is also weird she had all the food she was living in a castle was she that desperate i think

she wanted to be raped he was more into the ham because he just sailed for you know for weeks and uh and even though she was satiated and not hungry at all she would not let that ham go no you didn't know when you were going to get another piece of ham i don't know i think they had tons of them i think this story did not add up yeah but i mean it says a lot for her that he didn't just rape her and kill her he He took her home and made her his wife. Yeah, I guess she had a lot of say in it. Yeah. But they remember that story and they share it with people. That's what they're also doing.

All right. This is Kathy, who is a woman who is really an empowering figure for women. She is slightly overweight. She has very straight hair, and she's boy crazy. She's in her 30s, and her friend is saying to Kathy, who has her hands on her head, what are you doing, Kathy? She says, I'm trying to contact Irving through ESP and tell him to call me. Friend says, why don't you just call him? And she goes, I can't do that, Andrea.

I'd break the spell. I'd destroy the whole meaning of him receiving and acting upon a purely spiritual message from me. And then her friend walks out of frame and then Kathy says to camera to camera besides he doesn't answer there's somebody who doesn't mind if there's a coronavirus so i guess the writer sits down he's like all right how do i in a fun little way that's thinly veiled, get across to women that they're fucking crazy and that we can't read your mind.

You stupid bitches. And, and this is, this is what you want. You want me like you're sending telepathically, like I'd really wish you helped with the dishwasher once in a while, but you don't say it out loud. You crazy person.

And also, you know, just because a guy won't call you back, don't give up. Yeah. Keep trying to play mind games with him. Right. And then what makes you think?

So now we've learned in the last frame, I guess, that he does not have any interest in you. Phone calls didn't work. So I guess this little mind thing is going to work. Yes. All right. Mike. All right. calls didn't work so i guess this little mind thing is gonna work okay right yes all right mike all right sharpen your tools here it is this week's family circus now uh as at the suggestion of a listener i have sent mike the uh i forgot oh here it is without the caption here family circus so he's looking at it now for the first time. Take a look at it. And now he's going to give me his caption.

And then I'm going to give him what the actual caption was. So the picture is the mother. And she's tucking in little Billy. Billy's the orange haired kid. And Billy is looking up at his mother and saying something to her before she puts the blanket over him. It looks like she's taking the blanket off of him, but, but here's the thing again,

she just has two people looking at each other. So why couldn't you shit out a million of these things? Like, you know, obviously the dirty ones will be like, you know, what, what, whatever. Why are my pajama bottoms wet?

Or whatever it is. Like, she's picking up. Does it look like she's, it almost looks like she's picking up the blanket off him. You'll see when I read you the caption. So you think it's tucking in? Yeah. Because you read the caption. Yeah.

Okay. You know, whatever. Mommy, can you and Daddy keep it down in there tonight uh i've been having nightmares you know obviously all the sex jokes are really easy but the point is it's going to be it could be with this fucking guy it could be anything like mommy do you think i'll ever all right so should i try to guess what it really is? Yeah. Mommy. Promise me I'm going to dream about ice cream again. Some shit like that. Some fucking horse shit. Non-effort like that. Go ahead. That's better than what it says. It says, who tells you and daddy when it's time to go to bed? Fucking, like, you could, oh, my God. It's ridiculous.

Mommy, yeah, anything. Just pick categories. Brushing teeth. Washing their face. Why don't you wear pajamas? It could just be, that's nothing. That's not a joke. Yeah.

Who tells you when it's time to go to bed? It's ridiculous yeah jeff keen the man's got one assignment one picture for one caption once a week the guy and you know these guys back in the 50s jobs back in the 50s were different you got a salary that was enough for you to buy a fucking nice house with a lot of rooms, two cars, join a golf club. If you're Jeff Keen and you're the cartoonist that's in a paper that's running in all the papers around the country every Sunday, you're fucking wealthy to do one strip a week. And that's all you had to do. Nowadays, you would have to do, you got to do, I got to do three podcasts a week,

go on the road and do five shows, do a million of everybody else's podcast, all to squeak by. Not Jeff Keen. All right, let's get in his head for one, his empty fucking head for one second. There's no way you could have started with that line and been like, all right, let me draw that.

There's, there's's what, that's crazy that you would have that meaningless piece of shit line and be like, let me roll up my sleeves and draw it like a pretty good drawing. You know, like it's, you know, it's, and it's colored, you've colored it in and there's the kid that that drawing takes a little while. There's no way he was like, oh, that line is worth this drawing that's ridiculous yeah and so does he just draw this and be like work backwards and be like oh what let me shit out something that this kid could be saying to his mom and i guess he has to decide oh whose mouth is open is in this is the kid going to talk to her or is she going to talk to the kid right and you know my dream is at some point jeff keen comes on the show although i think he died

and his son took over i'm going to look this up also i'm going to look it up and let's get this guy on the show because mike is really fascinated with his process and he'd like to know, uh, how it happens. Is it, is it drawn first and then the caption or is he, uh, does he have children who say cute things and then he makes a picture? Who knows? Only Jeff Keen knows. Don't none of the Keen family, please call. I'll feel horrible. Maybe this comic strip was for kids, but then it's like, I got to get in the fucking kid business. That doesn't sound great as I say it, call i'll feel horrible talk maybe this comic strip was for kids but then it's like i gotta get in the fucking kid business that doesn't sound great as i say it but i gotta get in the entertaining kids business now everybody everybody made that move about 10 years ago i remember like

jimmy fallon did a kid's a kid's book you know because he thought it would be like a free pass you could anybody can write a kid's book in a weekend and then you put it out and it sells as many copies as a fucking novel that took you four years to write. So everybody was trying to get the free pass on the, uh, writing kids books. Yeah. People aren't buying it anymore. Who tells you and daddy when to go to bed and then that's punch your card.

That's your day and you're going to get paid for that. Yeah. And take the rest of the week off. Go to the golf course. Yeah, it's ridiculous. All right, we round it out every week, the podcast as well as the Sunday comics with Blondie. Oh, yeah.

Another woman who, by the way, I got an email from somebody with a link to this CBS clip. Once our website is up, we got, thank you, by the way, you can stop emailing us. We found somebody to design the website. And if he's, you know, sounds very talented. And we're going to start posting stuff on the website like this.

We're going to start putting the comics up as well as there's a clip to, CBS did a piece on the history of Blondie. And, you know, it started like 1930. And originally, and you're not going to believe this shit, Blondie was a flapper and Dagwood was a playboy. That was the original cartoon strip when it came out. And I want to tell you, you think she's hot now. You should have seen her as a fucking flapper when it really came out.

Yeah. Wow. All right. And, uh, and then the depression happened and they felt that it wasn't really appropriate anymore. So they turned a blondie into a housewife and they turned Dagwood into a,

uh, a useless sandwich eating piece of garbage. I love that you hate him. Well, he's kind of like a rival. Yes. To you, yeah. If he treated her with respect and he doted on her the way she doted on him,

then I would get it. And I would say, all right, I can read this comic strip, still appreciate Blondie, but also appreciate Dagwood. No, this guy fucking naps, he overeats, and he looks down on her.

Yeah, he just wants his sandwiches. Right. So in today's strip, you'll see Dagwood and what he's all about, and you'll see something interesting happen with Blondie that you haven't seen before. So they're playing a board game, and Dagwood says,

your move, honey, make it count. And then she says, this is a silly game if you ask me. So she makes a move and he goes, wow, honey, that was the dumbest move anyone has ever made in this game. And she goes, the what? And then Dagwood goes, ha ha, in the commercial for this game, teasing is part of the fun. And then Blondie looks him dead in the eye. And by the way, she's wearing leopard skin pants with a velvet black top that has a square cleavage of the neckline. But the bosom, it doesn't just come out at you and underneath.

It's actually pushing out on the sides. You know the side that's happening yeah oh and she's got her back arched she's presenting and she looks him right in the eye and she goes well i don't think it's fun to be called dumb huh no punch line that's fucking that's a turning point in Blondie. Wow. This, this one I'm guessing happened in like 1960s Blondie. Huh? And,

uh, yeah. How about that? Pretty good. Sounds like, sounds like Dagwood needs to wake the fuck up or he's going to come home and find an empty sock drawer. They'll come back next week.

He's like, go make me a sandwich, dum-dum. She's like, okay. Well, you've done it. You've listened to another episode of the Sunday Papers. Mike, it's a pleasure. I apologize. I'm a little low energy and I wasn't up on my news. Next week, I'm coming back strong.

Better every week. That's our promise to you. So do us a favor. Tell your friends about the podcast. It's going to be, I know I keep saying this, but iTunes has to approve any new podcast going up in terms of us having Sunday Papers exist on iTunes as its own podcast.

So you still have to go through FitzDog Radio for now. That's going to change in the next week or two. But in the meantime, tell your friends to listen to us. Send us some emails, comments. We love to hear from you. And thanks for listening. Thank you. Well, that's another one for the birdcage, Mike.

Oh, there it is. God, yeah, I didn't work on that either. Yeah. Let's work on that too. By the way, everyone, the third season of Ozark is the best season of ozark it's unbelievable yeah have you seen it it's it's so fucking dark we watched 10 episodes in three nights yeah it's really really uh it's very good um also want to promote uh i'm doing a thing for Comedy Gives Back, which is the telethon Mike just did.

I do cameos for them. I cut my price in half to do a cameo for you, which is when I send a message to a friend of yours. You go to the cameo app and look me up, and I will donate all the money to Comedy Gives Back. So do that. It's a fun thing to do. Nice.

All right. We'll see you next week. All right. Take it easy.