Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg & Mike Ep: 6 4/12/20

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

Don’t miss what you missed last week on this weeks Sunday Papers. It’s not only Easter Sunday but it’s Mike’s birthday.

You can read it in the Sunday Papers. Read it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it. It's the Sunday Papers. Oh my God. This is take two. We just did a really funny few minutes. Yeah. And then I realized I didn't hit record.

Should I tell the same dumb story and try to feign the same enthusiasm? Yeah, well, as people may not know, last Sunday Papers fell on my birthday and this Sunday Papers the following week falls on Mike Gibbons' birthday. And so we're both Aries. Yeah. So I told, I'll tell it quicker,

even though it's a short story. And I think people have heard it on this podcast. But anyway, one time I was in a car. God, it does. It just it just makes sense. The first time I tell the story. All right. Whatever. I'm a pro. Take two. I was in a coffee shop in New York. I'm writing and some woman is looking at me kind of funny, not in a flirty way, just kind of weird. And then on her way out, she comes over and she's like, can I ask you a question? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, are you an Aries? And I looked at her kind of weird. I'm like, yeah, I am. She's like, knew it. And total cocky, like, you know, like the underbite cocky face. And then on her way out, she goes, we're bitches, but we're cool. And that was, that was it. And she just walked out.

She's a witch. She's a witch. When we weren't recording, you're like, you didn't follow her out and kind of ask her out and everything. And I said, no, for a bunch of reasons, especially the one you just heard. That was enough. Yeah, that shit was big in college. I can remember when a girl would guess your sign in college, and it was like, I just couldn't believe that these 70s tropes were still alive and well,

and college girls were doing them. Right, right, right. It was a green light. It was like they were saying, you know, I want to talk to you. I want to get to know you, but I don't know what to say. Yeah, you still see it on a lot of, like, dating websites, and there's a lot on Instagram talking. Really?

Yeah, and really funny Instagram things. And I love how just some are pegged. You have the stereotype. Like, I guess Aries is, you know, outgoing, active, easily bored. We get hit for that. Like, hard to keep their interest, you know, stuff like that. I am a classic Aries. I just read mine recently because it was my birthday, so I read my horoscope.

To a T, I'm an Aries. Right. Pushy also. And so are you. Yeah, in some ways. But listen, we do what we do, though, because we're all so sensitive. And I think we're more sensitive than a lot of you. I think a lot of Aries are like Wall Street dudes.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Just marching forward. Doesn't give a shit. We give way too much a shit what people think about us. And we want to manipulate you know them into like by the way you're sitting in front of like 15 used jackets no one no one's seeing this right i hope yeah i'm in my closet right now uh so that's what's happening and the girls are here

oh so so olivia wrote me a birthday card right here beautiful painting by the way check this out this was by a kid at her try to remove that's about the fuck out of that's by an eighth grader in her school yeah you know they go to that crunchy school but that's pretty yeah i know there's a lot of glares sorry so um she and she knows i like that kid he was when i was a chaperone, Nico, when I was a chaperone on their camping trip. Those kids. Oh, I told a story about Nico once. He was. Oh, my God.

This kid with the painting. He was the kid on the trip. Let me try to remember the story. The girls were like, oh, about a fake ID. Do you remember that story? Kind of. Anyway. Kind of. They were like, oh, my dad. Oh, I hear them ID. Do you remember that story? Kind of. Anyway, kind of.

There were like, oh, my dad. Oh, I hear them talking in the back and I'm not supposed to comment or talk. I'm just supposed to drive out to Joshua Tree without saying a word. And I have I'd say five kids in the car. The third row is is active in the back, the whole thing. And then there and this is the conversation I hear. Olivia goes, yeah, I'm going to go to Vegas soon. I'm going to go to Vegas. My dad's going to let me gamble there. Of course, now I can't say anything, so I'm just

amused. I'm like, because that has never been discussed. And Nico goes, wait a minute, how are you going to gamble? And Nico's really smart. He's like, don't you have to be, they serve alcohol in there, so don't you have to be, they serve alcohol in there. So like, don't you have to be 21? And she's like, I think there are some places where you only have to be 18. And I guess you can get like a fake ID. And he's like, and he's like, Oh, and she goes, all you need is a fake

ID. Right. And he's like, wait a minute. All you need to get into a casino is a fake idea. And I'm like, you know, white knuckling it because I just want to die laughing. And he goes, I have a million fake ideas. Future conspiracy theorist right there. The best is Olivia just stared at him and didn't correct him before he could get in that same car. Anyway, here's a meanwhile, Las Vegas,

meanwhile, Las Vegas is literally the land of fake ideas. The whole place is a fake idea. It is a fake idea entirely. Yeah. Oh, desert. It worked.

Somehow it worked. That's the thing. This country is great. So here it is. Happy birthday, dad. Wait a minute. Oh,

this is, oh, this is your birthday card from Olivia. Yeah. But her school like, like sells these cards. So that's why, that's why Nico's picture's on the front. Got it. So happy birthday, dad. I love you so, so much. And you, and she had the word always, and the word always is crossed out and it says most of the time lift my mood. is crossed out and it says most of the time lift my mood you make all situations fun and you're always there when i need help dot dot dot besides that one time i was bawling my eyes out upstairs blasting music in a fetal position love you love olivia and then after that sentence about fetal positions, Sophie then put helped her put a hashtag hashtag. Notice me. There it is. By the way, she wasn't blasting. She had headphones and I didn't know.

I didn't know she was crying or blasting music for the record. the record for the record no matter how good of a parent you are your kids have watched movies and tv shows non-stop where the kid the teenager hates their parents so that begins the modeling and then they have friends that have bad relationships to their parents and they want to fit in so there's peer pressure to also not like their parents. Right. And so they will find the one or two things you've done wrong and those will become the seeds that they will talk about in therapy someday. Oh yeah, of course. You can't win. No, I think you're right. And you know, meanwhile, there's a weird part of me where it's like, I hear she's bawling her eyes out, listening to her music upstairs. I'm like, I didn't know kids still did that. Like, that's great. Yeah. That's my take on it.

Like really for me, it was like Elvis Costello and emo, like, you know, so I go, what, what, you know, I'm now I'm, I totally ignore her, you know, announcement to me and that that's news to me. And meanwhile, I'm more interested in what music she was crying to. What was it? She mentioned some of it I didn't know. I know she loves Perks of Being a Wallflower and that soundtrack. So it's probably some stuff off of that. Last song was Heroes by David Bowie. Yeah, yeah. They love that. Yeah. Yeah. I gave JoJo, I had 3,000 CDs that I traded into Amoeba Records once everything went digital. Wow. And I kept like my favorite hundred CDs,

and I put them in this book. And so I keep telling JoJo that they're not really getting to know a band if they don't listen to the album. You can't just listen to the songs. Never mind the artwork. Right. Well, these are just the cds i don't have the covers i have them all in a book oh yeah no i did that and i saved the covers oh so i gave it to her and i said you should start listening to these albums and she was in a because of coronavirus she was in an angry kind of mood and i go alanisissette, jagged little pill.

Throw that in there. Let's see what happens. And she's just got that in a loop. She can't wait till the virus is over and she's blowing a guy in a theater. Did I just say that about what? Wait. You did it, you freak. Why a theater?

Isn't that the famous line in her song? Oh, I just thought you meant she needs to get out of the house. And that's what she would naturally do. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, I can't even believe you didn't just try to punch me in the face through this Zoom. I would just say that about your daughter? You fucking, now you're the freak Now you're even a bigger freak.

I figured it's your birthday. You're probably drunk. It's noon. No, that's the most famous line from the album, and then it was a giant guess. In fact, in Curb Your Enthusiasm, he put that as one of the stories. What's the line?

Oh, you see, everyone's saying to fight. Everyone's saying it now. Who's listening to this? Yeah. Uh, I go down on you in a theater. Um, uh, you,

and it's, it's her fucking tirade against the guy. Right. And people guessed it was the guy, the blonde guy from full house. Oh yeah. Cause they, cause they dated.

Not the other guy. Uh, because of the sea is last name. Maybe Dave Coulier. There you go. That was the, guy. Begins with a C, his last name, maybe? Dave Coulier. There you go. That was the, I'm not saying it's him, but that was the most educated guess. Wow.

All right. Maybe she shouldn't listen to it. But then she got into, she'd never heard Sinead O'Connor, so I put it, I do not want when I don't not have, or whatever it's called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with nothing compares to you. What an album. And you know- That album has six great songs on it at least and also when i remembered it

i remembered it being like a big powerful album with a lot of instruments it's just like strings oh it's just like violins playing there's some no the emperor's new clothes is pretty big. But, I mean, the real ones that hopefully get her at her age are three babies, black boys on mopeds. Black boys on mopeds. Black boys on mopeds. It's so gorgeous. It's obviously righteous, but it's so beautiful. Yeah. All right, let's get to the Sunday.

Oh, and by the way, happy Easter, everybody. Yeah, we're all back at work, right? Right. That's right. It's over. So Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, has risen from the dead. And my mother, she does it every single year. She calls me in the morning and she says,

Jesus rose from the dead. Have you gotten up yet? She thinks that's the funniest calls me in the morning and she says, Jesus rose from the dead. Have you gotten up yet? She thinks that's the funniest fucking joke in the world. It is kind of funny. And we had a good Easter. We've done this a couple times. We've gotten together down in Florida because my mom and your dad live about a half hour from each other down in Florida. Yep.

And we went down to your dad's place and celebrated with our girls. And now they live just about 80,000 sick people away from each other. Right. And a lot less people in a couple of weeks. Why am I laughing? You know why I'm laughing? It's because we fucking told you so, Florida. You fucks.

And you didn't do anything. I mean, it was ridiculous. All right. Well, let's start with that story. It's time for the Sunday Papers. Make that. Where's it? I can't hear it.

Extra! We all love it! Extra! There it is. All right, front page. Let's start with spring break in Florida then because within days, reports started popping up on Facebook about a DJ and several, but this is a,

there was a big party during spring break that they were told not to throw and they did anyway. Within days, reports started popping up on Facebook about a DJ and several party go to who were, who were suddenly terribly ill. By the end of the month, two of the people who attended the festival had died.

Oh no, we lost a DJ. That's sad. A DJ took my life tonight. DJ took my life. Yeah, I would say DJs, you know, they're a high risk group. They're in the center of the room. Everybody's coming over requesting baby got butt. And the bad ending is the DJ was not Paris Hilton, I imagine. Yeah, I didn't look up who the guy was, but 38 people reported being symptomatic. And all this comes down to the governor, Ron DeSantis, who has blamed travelers from New York for sending the virus to the state.

Yeah. Of course. No. And then Georgia, like, just closed down this week or something like that. Earlier this week. Oh, no shit. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Georgia was, I think, the last holdout. You know, some of them down. Listen, it's not a tirade against the South. If it was Montana or whatever. You know what? There should be a way like you guys want to keep going. Do it. Go for it. You know what? But no one can leave or enter your state. And let's right. And then and then let's see how your people like your policy. And then let's see how your people like your policy. Because what happens is all of them are being saved because the governors then get shamed and get in trouble.

And it's just like Trump can change his story or, you know, the White House can change their story now and be like, no, we were way ahead of it. And just say what isn't true. Well, if you lock up their state, there's no saying, oh, really? Oh, you were saying that because why is your half your state dead or why is your also, you know, and the truth is these governors think that they're being popular by doing this. But all the recent polls show that the governors that and the Republican and Democrat that were tight with their states and shut things down have are up in the 80s in approval ratings, and the other ones are down in like the 50s and 60s. Yeah. And listen, I know half the state wouldn't die, but it's more than the 2%,

or whatever the figure is going to wind up being, because if you did let it run out of control, a lot of people who need hospital care aside from the disease would die also. And then supplies and all that. So any of the vulnerable would be at risk. Well, and hopefully the DJs. Speaking of the South, another big story. Oh, boy. Texas, you love them they love themselves it's Texas I don't know if you know this but they have basically

banned abortion they had a they called it a temporary abortion ban but it's been going on for a while now and according to the order any abortion not medically necessary to preserve the life or health of the patient, not the baby, the patient, must be, well, I guess the baby's health isn't the primary concern here.

I was wondering. Must be halted. Now, that's insane. They say that this is to help, you know, make sure that non-essential medical procedures amid the coronavirus pandemic don't get performed. Well, you know, it's like what's essential. Like, in other words, you know, I don't know. It's probably the wrong example to go to first, and I'm not comparing it, but like, I'm sure it's a slippery slope defining that in any type of medical procedure. What about a root canal that is absolutely excruciating?

You're not going to die from it, but are you allowed to go get that? Taking care of, I imagine you are. It's an emergency dental procedure. It's like getting a baby pulled. It's literally getting a baby pulled. Oh, wow. You see, I didn't read the article. That's a much better area to go to.

Did they talk about that? Abortion? No, I'm talking about, oh, I thought you were saying, what about delivering a baby? That's not essential. No, I was making a joke about it. You don't need a hospital for that. No, I was talking about a root canal is getting a tooth pulled.

Oh, yeah. And I said it's like the same as getting a baby pulled. Yeah, yanking the dead thing out. Or actually going in and trying to save it. Anyway, this is gross. But how about that? That's a great if I was a lawyer, I'd be like, OK, so Texas, no moms are going to the hospital deliver babies either.

Yeah, right. Totally, completely non-essential. It's a fucking newfangled thing that's only like 120 years old. Well, they did a thing in New York, and they have since reversed it, but most of the hospitals in New York were not allowing anybody in the delivery room except for the mother. Except for the baby. The mom had to shoot it in from the waiting room.

Yeah, they have one of those tubes that they had in the 1950s in office buildings, the air vacuum tubes. Yeah. And then it lands right on a slip and slide and right up to the scale. And meanwhile, so the husband couldn't be there. The same sex female lover with the short haircut. Nobody could be in the delivery room. Yeah. By the way, I bet a lot of surrogates are are in there and then the people like no no no we have to be with her she's gonna change her mind that's right we're gonna get that fucking thing it's it's like you're a defensive linebacker trying to get the football out of the quarterback's hands two gay guys strip it strip that motherfucker two gay guys in the waiting room losing their minds

keep an eye on her and just take it. Don't let her smell the head. Don't let her smell the head. They're calling backup plans. So let's talk also about this weekend is going to be tough on. This is always one of those things where like you live in the South, you live in a trailer park, and life, it's already bad, and you got to think, you're bottomed out,

you're divorced, you're probably on drugs, you're living in a trailer home. Now fucking coronavirus hits. And now Easter Sunday, they're predicting huge storms in the South and the southeast, strong tornadoes. And it's like it's like like I don't have there's no fat on the bone here. I can't afford any more misery in my life.

And then there's a fucking tornado. I can already hear their stupid spin on it, which is God's doing this because we shut down. Right. God's doing this because we're taking this thing seriously. Yeah. It's like I remember there was this story about a pilot and he was flying off the coast of Florida and his he had like one of those little single engine planes and it went down into the water, crashed into the water. He survived, started swimming to the shore, shark attack, dead. That's the worst. You know, there are like famous stories like that where they make it through whatever and

then they slip in their tub or something. Yeah. What are you looking for? Oh, I'm not. What are you looking for? Oh, no. I was just looking over. I want to make sure I'm holding this microphone. I'm in a closet with a computer on a little ottoman and a dining room chair. And you're not masturbating?

I am holding a phallic object in my hand. And then you've sent me over this beautiful little zoom recorder and a, and a proper mic. I know there've been complaints about my audio. I think that might be my voice, but hopefully it sounds better this week. I'm not monitoring it. I'm bad at this stuff. We've been videotaping these, um, these, uh, podcasts on zoom, but I haven't put them up yet because i'm waiting for our website to be built we had somebody we had a bunch of people offered to do our website we picked somebody and then i have completely dropped the ball on following up with

the guy oh i thought oh i thought he ghosted i was wondering oh so it's you okay it's me makes sense makes sense yeah so um what else is going on in the news? We got abortion covered that. Oh, this is big. There we go. What section are we in? We're still in national. This is the front.

You know, we start with the front page. This is a front page section. Oh, I don't get newspapers anymore. Okay, go ahead. This is a front page section. Oh, I don't get newspapers anymore. Okay, go ahead. We take the most modern technologies and drag them back two generations.

Yeah. The Midwest, I guess all over the country, but in particular Wisconsin and Ohio, farmers have so much food that would normally get sold to restaurants and businesses that's not getting eaten. And so they're dumping thousands of gallons of fresh milk into lagoons and manure pits. An Idaho farmer has dug huge ditches to bury one million pounds of onions. bitches to bury one million pounds of onions. I mean, what do you think that field's going to look like? If you put an onion, like, in a glass of water in your kitchen, like, all of a sudden the whole thing starts growing.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, that's going to be a field to watch. It's going to fucking stink. That town's going to stink. going to be a field to watch. It's going to fucking stink. That town's going to stink. And then they're in Florida. Their their tractors are crisscrossing bean and cabbage fields, plowing perfectly ripe vegetables back into the soil. I mean, the soil is going to be pretty rich next year. Right. There's going to be you know, the L.A. has never been this clean. It's crazy. There are some positive things that are happening in this disaster. But, yeah, I mean, you would think onions, if it's so strong,

and I don't know what I'm talking about, but, like, if corn can be a fuel, couldn't onions be a fuel? Yeah, I would think you could at least make booze out of it. It seems like you can make booze out of any vegetable. Right. So shots of onion liqueur could be i mean sexy it could be sexy i could see that as being something that that millennials would start drinking by the way i'm watching a lot of millennials on tiktok i got the app tiktok

because my kids were so into it yeah look i'm sorry i'm a fit i'm 54 now i'm a 54 year old man and i watch tiktok for two hours a day wow it's so fucking addictive it's like mike tyson knockouts followed by like a redneck riding a motorcycle through a barn followed by a camel attacking somebody in a car during a wildlife safari followed by hot chicks dancing it's and it's all quit as soon as you're bored the second you're bored you swipe brand new video and they're all made for short attention span it's really fucking something i guess i treat instagram that way you know, and I think a lot of it, obviously so many of TikTok videos are on Instagram. So I guess I'm getting my fix that way. Yeah. But Instagram is still a lot of like, there's a different tone to it. Like there's no self-promotion at all on TikTok. It's really just entertainment. I mean, it's,

it's promotion in the sense of hot chicks are trying to show you they're hot. That's fine with me. Show me. I'll let you know. Yeah, you're the judge. I mean, I get the power of being like women competing to show me they're the hottest one on the Internet. I love that. Well, they had you in mind when they made it.

I love that. Well, they had you in mind when they made it. I keep thinking something's going to pop up on my screen and go, what the fuck are you doing watching this? I know. It's like we need a producer to be like, move forward. Yeah. I'll cut that.

But I got to figure out how to make some more stuff for the internet. Three podcasts a week is not enough. I got to put more content out because I feel like people really need it right now. And I, I, you know, I'm used to doing it night after night in clubs and I need an outlet. So maybe, maybe I'll be the oldest guy on TikTok. Do it. And definitely keep that hat on when you do it. Greg is wearing a wool like skull cap, but it's, but it's big, you know, it comes down, you know, it touches the sides of his eyebrows, you know, before it goes dips down to the ears, covers half the ears. So it's a deep,

it's a deep skull cap, but I've never seen it on anyone who's cancer free. Yeah, but this is even more cancerous. I can't, either way, I'm just trying to keep the comments away from cancer. Hey, wait. Did you shave it again? No, I got to do that today. No, don't. I like the look of it.

I like the 5 o'clock shadow kind of on the sides. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. I don't know. All right, let's go to sports. Sing it. We will, we will rock sports. All right. I think that's my section.

Sports. There's no sports. We're just going to say that every week until. But I did see in the front page of a sports section, exciting, exciting news that it's Masters. It's the weekend of the Masters, I think. Is that right? Exciting news that it's Masters. It's the weekend of the Masters, I think.

Is that right? And CBS is going to replay last year's Masters. And they're going to talk to Tiger Woods, who won it, wherever he's isolated. And I guess, what's Jim Nance? Is that the dude? Don't know. You don't know the golf announcer? No.

You play the dumb sport. Anyway. No, and I watch it, but I don't know any You don't know the golf announcer? No. You play the dumb sport. Anyway. No, and I watch it, but I don't know any announcer's name. Can you imagine something more boring than watching repeats of golf? Never mind watching golf. Repeats of golf. There's no defense. It's not even like you can watch a repeat of like an amazing, you know,

Falcons Patriots Super Bowl where it's like, oh, my God, look, this is where he gets beat so bad. And Bob, like at least there's two dynamics you could possibly watch. Nothing. This is like watching someone play solitaire. Oh, my God. Remember when they got the queen on the night? Yeah. Yeah. Now, and the other thing is they got kids that watch. And I know my friend, my son's friends watch other kids play video games and it now is at the point where i sound like such an old man because everybody already knows it's huge esports in arenas fucking 20 30 000 people watching two geeks in the front play a video game yeah it's insane and it's like you you know, I was watching and I was showing my son some

TikTok. No, no, no. We were watching America's Funniest Home Video, which is the original TikTok. Right. Literally the original TikTok. And they were just a lot of it is people who live on farms in the Midwest. And they you know, they're showing them like running on bales of hay and falling off and riding mini bikes. It's just fun. And they're so jealous. They feel like there's this part of their lives that's completely missing in nature. Oh, totally. We think we live in a cool city, and so they get all these advantages and all these experiences.

city and so they get all these advantages and all these experiences i don't think you can compare that to like a kid leaving the house at 10 in the morning and coming home at five o'clock without his parents knowing where he is and he's got a fucking slingshot in his back pocket and he's got you know five or six friends he has no choice those are your friends because they live the nearest to you and you don't really have a way to find other friends. So you just you make it work. There's something about making those friendships work and finding shit to do. Yes and no, I guess. But I mean, I don't know. Isn't it nice to have more of a choice of friends?

No. You want a friend with a limp. You know, you wouldn't hang out with a friend with a limp. Like the Brokeback Mountain, like example. Remember? And Louie talked about that a little bit. Like, it seemed like it was the 1800s, but it was like Urban Cowboy won the Oscar that year. Like, just go move to the city, you freaks.

Well, did one guy turn the other guy in that movie? Was one already gay and the other guy had never partook? I think his gaydar was exceptionally keen, and he sensed it about the other guy. And the other guy was in, I guess, kind of a sexless marriage with a woman. And nobody knows more about this than you. Actually, no, that's the one who turned him.

Sorry, that's the one who turned Heath. Well, you should know because you're in the closet. Yes, I am sitting in a closet as I talk about these closeted cowboys. All right, what else in sports? I probably have a cowboy hat. I don't have one in here. I put it on. Oh, please tell me you don't own a cowboy hat.

I don't own a cowboy hat. That's basically it for sports, I think. I tried to look for other stories. What's basically it for sports, I think. I tried to look for other stories. What else could be? Is it the NFL draft this week? I don't even care. But is it? I think so.

First of all, do you think there's going to be an NFL season? No. I think it might be a season without fans. I think football will have games without fans. You think they'll really do that? I think so. Because the networks have too much to lose here. And then they jump up when they score a touchdown. They then run and jump up into the front row and pretend people are grabbing their ass.

Yeah, they're going to pretend there's a chick there that they're going to have sex with after the game. Wait a minute. Honest question. Are there going to be cheer with after the game. So are they going to, wait a minute, honest question, are there going to be cheerleaders? Yes, of course. Why would there be cheerleaders? That's true. Well, I mean, I thought you'd have an answer to that question,

but it seems ridiculous. Well, there has to be somebody that the player, don't you think that cheerleaders in the early days of the sport i'm talking about when they had leather fucking helmets and no face masks the cheerleaders had to have been concubines for the players right yeah i imagine i mean there was no rules back then about you're not allowed to. Can you imagine being a jock? You're a guy who from high school through college, you were always you were always allowed to have sex with the hottest chick around you. It was just a given. Right.

And then all of a sudden you're surrounded by the 20 hottest girls they can find in that city and told you can't have sex with them. I bet there were a lot of marriages like way back, like the Indianapolis cults those days, like way, way Green Bay Packers. I'm sure there were, which proves your point. And I've always thought of like cheerleaders that are in high school because you always wonder where do prostitutes come from? And if you want to go back, if you want to go all the way back,

it starts with cheerleaders. You know, if you take one step back from prostitute, it's stripper, right? One step down from that, hooters waitress. Am I hearing a theory correctly that you think there were cheerleaders before prostitutes? correctly that you think there were cheerleaders before prostitutes? I just want to make sure if I should still be listening or not.

No, I mean, in today's landscape, how does a woman progress to prostitute? And it starts with the Girl Scouts, where they go door to door trying to sell themselves, essentially. Okay. Yes. I'm just going to say trying to sell themselves, essentially. Okay. Yes. I'm just saying, yeah. No, of course. Thank God we have no female listeners left. I know, right?

By the way, cheerleading, if you really pause for a minute, how do you think that started? I mean, do you think originally at any point it was like, we need people here to cheer on the players? Because that's not what their job is. No, they're faced towards the crowd. Right. Their job is to lead cheers for the players. I wonder, because what it's going to be now is way more direct.

They're no longer the middleman. They're going to be, like if I was to broadcast an NFL game, I would definitely have them because not only is that, you know, your eye candy and all the gross ways you could describe it, but it's it's a show. And you're going to cut to dancers, which include men as well now. And so you're going to cut to these dancers in some flash. And I guess you would call it pizzazz. And you would cut to that going in and out of commercial breaks and stuff. But the interesting thing now is they're going to be facing, they're the only people who are going to be cheering the players. Right. Which means they have to now figure out how football is played.

Yeah, exactly. I always wonder if they're really fans, if cheerleaders are fans of the team, or whether or not they're just trying to launch like a modeling career. Right. I think, I think the latter. Cause they go, yeah, they're not even, most of them aren't, obviously most of them aren't from that city. Not even close.

Right. Maybe none of them. Hey, uh, in fact, when they're, when it does work out through some coincidence, you know, they put out a lot of PR on it and brag about the hometown girl. But, uh, um, hockey, hockey's never had it. Right. I'm just trying to think in baseball. Now, my friend, though, was my friend is a huge, like huge New York Rangers fan. Grew up playing hockey with this kid. He was always the best kid on the team he ended up playing for boston college and uh and he used to he used to come down uh he used to come down when at bu because i played intramural hockey at bu with

kevin lynch and yeah dudley and all those guys and uh teddy would come down and he would he would scab on our team and he would just fucking skate circle and we were on a really good league like we had good teams. He skated circles with everybody. And then he got thrown out because he hit a guy so hard against the glass, the glass came loose during an intramural game. So anyway, his job ended up being working for the New Jersey Devils, who were like a huge rival of the Rangers.

And so he was working in marketing and they needed somebody to wear the devil's costume and skate around the ice in between periods yeah and so he used to put on the outfit and he would skate around and under under the gloves he was going he was giving the finger to the entire crowd while he was skiing. That's a perfect example. Was he Irish? What was this guy like? That's a perfect. no,

Italian. That's a perfect example though, of like getting some satisfaction and you're the only one who knows about this angry gesture. It's ridiculous. It's like, well, it's like,

it's like kind of like deriving pleasure. Like if you're a Disney dressed up as like Mickey with a dumb, huge smile, but underneath you're like, nah, you have a shit, shitty little smirk on your face. Right. Right. As you're waving with your white gloves on and you're in, you're an adult dressed as a mouse. Yup.

You're winning. Yeah. All right. Listen, let's go to business. You got any business news for us? I do have business news. Oh, good. Let's see.

Business. Get this. In today's paper, which is the Saturday papers, cruise ship bookings for 2021 are quote up considerably compared to pre-coronavirus data. More. That's good. And it's more than just rebookings.

But honestly, who is booking a crew? And then I guess some big investor invested in them. And I'm like, what? That's why I should just really stay away from the stock market, although I'm not. But it's crazy that people are booking cruises. Like, it didn't even take the coronavirus to want to avoid a cruise for a gazillion reasons, but especially health ones. I don't get it. Yeah, but I'm glad because as a stand-up comedian who's worried about if

people are going to come out to clubs again, that's a good sign. Because I really do think everybody has a different feeling towards dying. And you're starting to see with the coronavirus, like with my mother. My mother goes out. She has people over. She she was the last one thrown out of bars and the beach in Florida. She and she has asthma. She's got asthma. She doesn't give a shit. And then you got other people like my next door neighbors, the Dunskies. They have not left the house. If they shop, everything is wiped down with alcohol and left on the porch for like 12 hours in the sun. You know, and you got people that are that concerned about their health. Everything is wiped down with alcohol and left on the porch for like 12 hours in the sun. You know, and you got people that are that concerned about their health.

Everybody has a different relationship to mortality. And for some people, the idea of going on a cruise is so enjoyable to them that they're willing to die for it. Yeah, but it used to be just these giant diarrhea vessels. I don't know. I can't. And you're hearing these horror stories of the whole, you know, a lot of the ship having it and being quarantined at sea and not allowed. No port wants them. It just seems it just seems really it's very, very surprising to me that anyone's booking those things. Right. And Tom Cotter is performing in the comedy club night after night.

Another reason. He's been out of material for six weeks. That's what causes the diarrhea. Alright, I have another one I thought was very interesting. I guess you could also put it under the obituaries. But I love this obituary I read today. This guy. Here he is. Oh, look at that. We're in the

obituaries. I just did a sound effect. It's a real one. Earl G. Graves, Sr. He was 85. He was a voice for black entrepreneurs. He died. This guy's this amazing story who he kind of was like looking around like, listen, we got to look out for ourselves. And he started a magazine about black entrepreneurs, but everyone was like, what? And, um, anyway, he's this amazing story, but he's most noted for a book he wrote, um, in 1997, I think it was. And there's a picture of it here. And I swear to God, and it was a bestseller. It was on the New York Times bestseller list. I think it might have hit number six or something like that. The title of the book is, and it sounds like an onion headline,

How to Succeed in Business Without Being White. I fucking love this guy. And it was a, it was a very sincere title. And that was his thing. Like we have to network like they do. We have this. And his big thing though, which everyone can agree with this, including the right was, um, the white dominated business world is a quote from him needs to understand that we don't want charity, he wrote. We want to do business. We don't want guaranteed success. We want the opportunity to earn it. And it's just really interesting.

And the fascinating thing, that's a New York Times obituary, such a cool article. I recommend anyone going to find it. Such a cool article. I recommend anyone going to find it. At the very same time, unrelated in another part of the newspaper, there is an article on getting these loans and grants during the coronavirus. And research found that only one percent of black business owners get a bank loan during their first year of business compared with 7% of white owners. Wow. And that's today. So this guy, man, he was starting to change and the change has arrived, but it's not enough for sure. I mean, one compared to seven, that's crazy.

I have a dream that one day we can get 2%. Yeah. I have a dream that one day we can get 2%. Yeah. Speaking of obituaries, I had that as a separate section, but should I just do them now or do you want to finish business? No, do them now. I was then going to read a Trump thing, but do we hear from the Trump supporters? Yeah, let's leave out the Trump stuff because, you know,

we don't want to lose half our audience. I don't know if we lose them. I'm inviting them to change. If you think Trump has done well, I'll just say this. If you think Trump has handled this well, which clearly a lot of people do, I want to hear how you think he's handled it well. That's all. Also in the obituary is popular Japanese comedian Ken Shimura just passed away from coronavirus. And this guy was hysterical. Ken Shimura is a really great comic out of Japan. And here's a quick clip of some of his comedy that I found online.

He was a musical comedian. No one can hear you. Gregory? Oh. Oh, my God. no one can hear you gregory oh oh my god he said i'm gonna take your word for it he's hysterical no you can't hear it no one no we can't hear it oh i forgot wait you couldn't hear it through my uh no oh you can't hear it but they they can. Who's they? The audience. Is that true? Wait, how come you could?

Oh, because my mic goes right into my microphone. Okay, got it. And we're using Zoom to communicate. The bit was it was just a guy singing in Japanese. I was going to say, I hope what you're doing there is it's just Japanese. Yeah. That's good. Yeah.

Good bit. Can't wait for us to be in the same room again. I wonder if they call it bombing in Japan. That's actually an honest question. Like, or is it just too close? If you're a stand up comedian in the 60s, that shit is yesterday, man. I mean, I have told comics when they got off stage after a bad set. That was 9-11. Right. That's fair. I've, I have told comics when they got off stage after a bad set, that was nine 11.

Right. That's fair. And I've said that. Yeah. Um, Olivia, Olivia, Olivia had a joke. What did she say? She's like, Oh, they're inappropriate jokes. I'm like, I'm listening. And, uh, she read one. She's like, no, no, some are really inappropriate. And this was actually a good learning example, like, you know, from a dad who's in the comedy profession so i was like i really want to hear what's inappropriate so i think i'm going to try to recall the joke the joke was what do gender what do gender and 9-11 have in wait no what. What do gender and the Twin Towers, the World Trade Center, have in common? What? There there used to be two of them and now it's very uncomfortable to talk about. So I die laughing. Right. And I go, kids are so fucking sophisticated.

So I die laughing. Well, she didn't write fucking sophisticated so i i die laugh well she didn't write that joke but i die laughing but still she gets it right i die laughing and i go okay wait olivia i go of course i'm like why is that inappropriate and she and she goes because it's a 9-11 joke and i'm like it's not i go go, if I can teach you anything today, it's been a good day. I go, that is a great example about like context, like all jokes that mention the Holocaust, that mention white people aren't Holocaust jokes and aren't racial jokes. I go, you know, I go, there's context. I go, that is an incredibly smart joke. And the joke is actually a validation about how awkward, you know, it is now to talk about gender and everything. Anyway, I thought it was a great joke, though. Here's a joke that is offensive. My friend Jeff Gingis told it to me. Two guys are sitting at the bar

and one of them looks at the other one and he goes and where are you from friend and he says I'm from Ireland he says you are so am I what part are you from and he says I'm from Galway he says so am I

and what part of Galway are you from he says I'm from Salt Hill well so am I. And what part of Galway are you from? He says, I'm from Salt Hill. Well, so am I. And what part of Salt Hill are you from? He says, I'm from Macy Street. Well, so am I. Just then, the bartender goes to leave his shift. New bartender's coming on.

He goes, anything I should know? He goes, yeah, ice is a little bit low. Need another bottle of Jameson's. And the O'Flaherty brothers are drunk again. I was wondering, I'm like, it doesn't work if he's looking into a mirror. That's funny. Good accent. Good accent work there. As actually a Galway accent specifically

we're hoping that our trip, my whole family's supposed to go to Ireland, my mother, my sister, my cousins, everybody on first week of August so I'm hoping that happens let me tell you it's not really?

really I don't think so I think all the educated guests Really? Really. Really? I don't think so. I think all the educated guesses are coming in on this second wave. You know what I mean? And there's real, real risk with the second wave. So maybe, maybe. We're supposed to be in Cuba right now. We were supposed to leave yesterday for Cuba.

So the stock market is so crazy. I'll just briefly say that that's indicative of people's, you know, false hope. And even every analyst, Jim Cramer, whatever, you know, all those people are like, what is going on? You know, Mark, you know, Cuban, all these people are chiming in like, what is the disconnect? And there's really interesting articles on it. But I believe, I mean, it's a global recession after this. I mean, when's the when's the next time you're going to go like packed where you are simultaneously touching four other strangers in like the entranceway of the Hollywood Bowl or Staples Center to go to a game or a concert? When are you going to be on the you are going to be on the floor of the Rolling Stones in San Diego in a month or two? May 2nd. Yeah. So when, when do

you think you're doing that again? And it's become so internalized. Like I saw Matt Malloy this morning, we were walking our dogs and, uh, I know he hasn't left his house in two weeks. I haven't left my house in two weeks and we still stood eight feet from each other. And I still felt dirty and uncomfortable. And that's not going away overnight. We've internalized this feeling of, you know, what they want us to feel, which is this social distancing. They're talking about it, you know, which a lot of people have for years, but questioning handshakes in general. Yeah. I can see that. And what does France do? Someone in the article goes that we would just do like what, what is, what is,

does France not shake hands? I guess obviously they do with people who shake hands, but what's their go-to thing? The French? I mean, I don't think. I thought they kiss. Don't they kiss twice? Yeah, twice. So you're kissing someone. Then you're bringing your face right in front of their face as you go to the other side of their face. I don't think that's the way to go. Yeah. Yeah. Another obituary we should probably talk about is the great John Prine.

Yeah. Who not everybody's familiar with. He's a guy who is, I guess he was a country singer, country folk singer. And he is sort of looked to by a lot of other great songwriters as one of the great songwriters of all time. I always liked him. I never was all in on John Prine, but I respect him.

And here's a quote from Bob Dylan, the great Bob Dylan, probably the best songwriter in American history, wrote, Prine's stuff is Proustian existentialism, Midwestern mind trips to the nth degree, and he writes beautiful songs. I remember when Chris Christopherson first brought him on the scene, Sam Stone, I guess an album of his, featured a wonderful evocative line. Quote, there's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes. And Jesus Christ died for nothing, I suppose. Yeah.

So Sam Stone is a song. And it's amazing. And it's about a veteran coming back and having PTSD and being depressed. And then he becomes an addict. And it's amazing. It's a, it's a great song. Um, and, uh, Johnny Cash then covered it. And that line, what's the line about Jesus Christ died for nothing, I suppose. Yeah. Cash is like, man, this song is so great. This song was so hard hitting and, uh, I'm going to take that line out and replace it with I guess that's why daddy doesn't smile anymore or something like that.

And and Prime was recently quoted saying, if it was anyone but Johnny Cash, I would have been like, what the fuck are you talking about? So Cash recorded it and took the edge off of the song by removing that line. Wow. Yeah. Because then it would be banned. I mean, keep in mind, Imagine was banned after 9-11 from playing on the radio. So a lot of radio does not play John Prine's version of that song. It's too much for their incredibly complex minds to handle, that there's a criticism against this made-up character called Jesus Christ, made up at least the way he is in the Bible. So anyway, prying though, a couple of things. My uncle loved him, so I have greater appreciation for him than that. Bonnie Raitt this morning, as we're sitting here anyway, Saturday,

Um, Bonnie Raitt this morning, as we're sitting here anyway, Saturday, uh, started the day off from her house completely. Uh, what's the opposite of tone deaf? She wasn't tone deaf at all about her privilege and that she has a home because she put a shout out to people who maybe don't have a home or struggling and don't feel secure and safe and that her heart goes out to them. And she talked about John Prine because they had a very, very great relationship. And, you know, she probably her version of a John Prine song was probably the biggest John Prine song that exists. And and but she sang another song. And I can't. What song was that? Hers was Montgomery. His biggest his biggest like Um, I'm just spacing out right now. Uh, angel from Montgomery, I believe. And, um, but she didn't sing that. She sang this other artist song and it is so beautiful. Just Bonnie Raitt. I, I, I, you should go out and see it. And it's a nice message. And it was an amazing way for me to begin my birthday. It was the first thing I watched this morning. Nice. Yeah, I saw it. It was trending, I think. And that's how I found it. And she uploaded it. It might be on Billboard or, you know, Billboard's social media

accounts. So it's there. So it was really, really great. Yeah, he's he's a very interesting guy. You know, one of the things. Oh, and the story about him being discovered, Christofferson gets a lot of credit, but get this, um, Roger Ebert in 1980, I don't even know when, when it was, was in a movie and they put too much salt on his popcorn and it ruined it for him. And he was also, and he was also dying of thirst and he's in chicago and he goes out and the pub on that street and keep in mind roger eber was also an alcoholic which he then quit drinking but he was an incredibly social you know just this you know man of words like he could out argue anyone did you see the documentary on his life now? Well, this is another feather in that fucking guy's cap. And I've met him by the way, once, and I could not have been more impressed.

And I love his film reviews and agree with so many of them. So anyway, he bails on the movie, which wasn't worth it anyway. And he needed to get a beer and he went in and he sat down and he was blown away by this mailman who was still delivering mail, who got up like on an open mic night and all this and wrote a review. And because of that review, Chris Christopherson went to that bar the next night. And that's how John Prine was discovered. Damn. All because a fat guy couldn't eat his popcorn. Unbelievable. Guy with great taste. put it out there. Don't you like that? My mom used to work at the New York Times

in the arts and leisure section, actually with your stepbrother's father. Yes, if people can viewers follow that. That's a more confusing link than Game of Thrones and how all those families are intertwined. You're right. But your assorted relative worked with my mom. I believe, believe had a crush on my mom because he used to always give her, he would review all the videos that were being released.

And so he would always give her the videos after he watched them. Oh, good. And so she would talk about how when, why am I forgetting the big reviewer from the New York Times from the 80s and 90s? Jenna Maslin? Who? The guy, he's- Vincent Canby? No, now he writes political stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm forgetting his name. Yes. Anyway, he would go out to do a review and if he left after lunch and he was in a shitty mood, they would all look at each other and go like, this movie's getting panned, and it would. Wow. They could always tell whether or not it was going to get panned.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm forgetting his name. Okay. God damn it. Frank Rich. Yes, exactly. Yeah. I feel like you're 54 now, I'm 53.

I'm not 54. Oh, you're 53, I'm 54. Holy. That's perfect. I was going to say, I was going to say our minds are not gone yet, but there's like a three-second delay on recalling information that didn't used to be there. My mind has always been like my kids can't even believe it.

They'll pause something. They'll be like, Dad, what's his name? I'm like, no idea. And it is the lead. The names don't meet. And when I meet people, I don't hear their names, but I actually just referenced unwittingly. I referenced game of Thrones. You should have seen me pausing and then online. Thank God they had family trees. I know this sounds like the geekiest thing ever, but it was because I had no idea what the meaning of that goddamn conversation was because I didn't know what king they were talking about.

And so they would have the family tree with the pictures. What was the Japanese comedian's name who just died? Oh, Hitsumatu Asha. That's exactly right. Yeah, well, some I know, some I get. Exactly right. Yeah, well, some I know, some I get. Another quick obit, Hal Wilner, who is this amazing guy who,

he composed all the music for the SNL sketches for many years, from 19, not many years, but. Many years. Many years. Hey, so am I. But here's this guy who had one of these lives. I mean, you just, you think about your own life and you think,

you know, I had a pretty interesting life. And then you read about a guy like this and you're like, what the fuck? In the seventies, he worked with the producer, Joel Norn and produced Leon Redbone's first album, double time. Did the Nebone's first album, Double Time,

did the Neville Brothers' first album. He produced David Sanborn. He produced Marion Faithful, Lou Reed, William Burroughs, Lucinda Williams, Laurie Anderson, Allen Ginsberg. I mean, what kind of light? Can you imagine just being there at the beginning of each of those careers and being the person that helped them take their vision for what their album would be?

And you're collaborating with them. You're the person in the room that's the sounding board. collaborating with them. You know, you're you're the person in the room that's the sounding board and is like, how how much better can you get to know these seminal musicians than to be collaborating on their first album with them? Right. No, it is amazing. But I'm sure. Listen, I'm sure he compares himself to the next guy. Well, that's why you're not never supposed to compare, Greg. And that's what you're doing now. By the way, the message in the culture is don't compare, you know, none of that FOMO and any of that stuff. Yet the obituaries, that's that's all. I mean, that's what they're there for. Yeah, I know. And I think we always look.

That's the worst. You go to somebody's funeral and like their best friend gets up and does the eulogy and you hear about how like he gave his fucking kidney to him and about how this guy adopted kids and about how he never talked about it, but one day a week he went to a food kitchen and your self-esteem just keeps going like, what's my funeral going to be like? What are they going to say? Right.

No, I know. Jesus. Well, probably nothing. Probably nothing. Hey, speaking of death, one of the biggest tragedies that's happening is, and especially in other countries who took it very, very, very seriously, but it's happening in New York and a lot of places now in the U.S.

When they come and get you and they take you away or they take you away in the hospital, wherever it is that they take you, the person with the coronavirus who is in need of a respirator and in need of real ICU attention, that that is the last time that the families see that person and are with them and then they die alone. Yeah. We won't make this, it's going to be more of it no matter what. One of your family members has it. Let's just be real. Cause we're, we're grownups and we're Irish. And all we do is read books about tragedy. And, uh, and we grew up in that culture. Owen has it. Owen's being taken away from you.

And I'm saying this with no disrespect. This is a real hypothetical, real philosophy. What would it take for them to keep you away from his bedside if they told you he was dying in the next 24 hours? Right. In other words, would I risk my own life to be there for him at the end? I am speaking purely emotionally. Nothing could hold me back. Right.

And I know it's like jumping in the water to save one of your drowning children. Great. Now the sister has lost a sister and a father. You know what I mean? That's throughout history. You can what I mean? Like that, that's throughout history. You can't act that way. And I, and I get it. And drowning is a very, very popular actually example of that. And that's all lifeguards. The last thing they tell you to do is to jump into, if you can save them another way. Anyway, I don't, I still don't know, man. I, uh, something to me in that moment, that that hour would be like it's not worth it.

Well, do you remember the scene in The Pianist with Adrian Brody about the Holocaust and the guy in the Polish ghetto? And there's a woman who's in the concentration camp and she can't stop crying. And he asked somebody, why can't she stop crying? He said, well, her baby died. And he's like, wow, that's tragic crying? He said, well, her baby died. And he's like, wow, that's tragic. And he goes, no, she killed the baby. And he's like, why? And she said, well, because they were hiding in the attic and she had other kids.

So she killed the baby so the baby wouldn't make noise. And the baby didn't make noise because she killed it. And then they found them anyway. Oh, I didn't know that part. Yeah. God, you just ruined it. I didn't think the Germans found any Jews. So they killed that family?

By the way, you know, that's a really, really, sadly, a fucking very common occurrence. So common, do you remember that was in the last mash? occurrence. So common. Do you remember that was in the last mash? Alan Alda's character in a very, very classically Freudian case. No, he's in therapy. And the reason he's in therapy is because he said they were hiding from the North Koreans and it was a busload of Koreans

and a woman had the chicken and the chicken wouldn't shut up. And he kept telling her, you got to shut. He's going to find us. They're going to find us all and kill the whole bus. And he went over and he's like, you, can you shut that chicken up? And of course, the therapist sees this a mile away. He's like, yes, let's keep talking about the chicken till eventually you completely break down and you remember accurately that it was her infant yeah and uh so anyway it was a story in that last match because it was written about so much in wartime like they're they're those cases it's it's yeah It's bananas. Right.

Let's do one international story before we hit the Sunday comics. This one comes to us from Italy. Italy, as you know, Italy got hit second. Was it China, then Italy? Well, they got hit in the eye with a big pizza pie. Isn't that what... Well, that's amore. I think that was the World Health Organization said that. Yeah.

That's some honor for you. And so they got hit hard, and they say that a lot of priests, now 100 priests have died because, you know these old italians they don't fuck around man when they're dying it's you get the goddamn priest there because it's the seventh sacrament it's got to get done right to get into the pearly gates and so these priests these old priests and a lot of them have been called out of retirement

and they're the really old ones that are going out and they're going into infected areas and they're giving last rights and then they're dying themselves. So this kind of ties in what we were just talking about, except for in this case, the mothers of the children didn't also molest children. So it's different. That's their first thing. Like, hey, where are the gloves? Where's the mask? Where are the boys? They're like, I get to wear a mask? This is great. They'll never identify me. And no prints. This is perfect.

This is great. I used to wear gloves anyway. I got to be honest with you guys. So this is not different for me. Wait, are there any young boys that are dying? Any young boys need last rites? Yeah. Oh, are there any young boys that are dying? Any young boys need last rights? Yeah. Oh, that's the headline. Old priest called out of retirement. The two spikes in death, old men and young boys.

Three ways they won't get caught. Mask, gloves, and no witness. mask gloves and no witness uh all right let's get to it well wait talk about it i do have entertainment news i can go through really oh entertainment let's do it where's that paper there it is is Hooray for Hollywood So SNL, it's Saturday as we're recording this. SNL is taping tonight. I'm going to check it out. I think it's going to be pretty interesting. I have no idea how they're going to do it.

I don't think there's a host, but they are going to do weekend update and other things they can do. But hopefully they can get really creative. So there's that. How will Colin Jost fake laugh at his only black friend he's had his entire life? With a mask. That's the way you fake laugh the best.

I want to revisit The Louie Hour. I rewatched it. It's way better than I gave it credit for last week. I can't believe I didn't watch it this week. All right, I got to watch it. And this is how you know it's good. It's kind of like Chappelle's. And dare I say, any art that's pretty good is, to me, just like a great movie. It really was more.

I saw a lot more in it the second time. It was more enjoyable the second time. I appreciated it more. So anyway, that's that. I have my new favorite TV show, Dave. Have you seen it? No. It's Lil Dicky.

You know that rapper Lil Dicky that does the, he does parodies, but they're really not parodies. He's doing legit songs like about his little dick. And he's like this, you know, very thin, nerdy Jewish guy. Anyway, Dave, I catch it on Hulu, but it's like this, you know, very thin, nerdy Jewish guy. Anyway, Dave, I catch it on Hulu, but it's originated on, I think FXX, but he kind of talks about that, about not being considered a rapper and why. And, uh, but it's, it's, it's juvenile, but I think really funny. And in episode five, episode five really hits its stride and it deals with mental illness and it kind of got me I have to say not only

is the fucking guy and that's such an amazing actor his friend not Dave but the other guy but it definitely you know brought up the Brody thing a little bit on mental illness and how absolutely tough it is for those guys so there's that documentary cry what did you cry? What?

Did you cry? I almost cried, I'd say, which is as good as a cry for most people. Then I have a documentary of you, R. Jones, and first of all, from Tiger King. Joel McHale tomorrow is hosting a show. They're calling it another episode of Tiger King, but it's not. It's kind of like the I guess The Bachelor has these like meet The Bachelor or The Roundup or whatever the fuck it is. It's the after show. So he's going to be interviewing a lot of people. So that's tomorrow, Sunday. That's today, I guess. Look that up. And then if you're jonesing for that type of thing, I found this documentary and I'm wondering if you've seen it, Greg.

It's called The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. No. It is one documentary. It's like, you know, 90 minutes, maybe 100 minutes. Johnny Knoxville was involved, but it's 10 years old. It's amazing. Really? Yep.

Writing it down. The Wonderful Whites of... old. It's amazing. Really? Yep. Writing it down. The wonderful whites of the wild and wonderful, because that's the state slogan of West Virginia, the wild and wonderful, whatever mountains of West Virginia. So it's the wild and wonderful whites, which is the name of the family. They're a legendary family in the coal mining country of West Virginia. And yeah, so and it's I think it's free on Amazon. Definitely watch that. It's great.

So that's my entertainment update. My pick is this past week we started binging Fargo, the TV show. We're almost done with season one. It's so fucking good. And I really went into it thinking like I resisted watching it for so long because Fargo is in my top 10 movies of all time. I'm watching it for my birthday. My girls agreed to watch Fargo the movie with me tonight.

Oh, great. Isn't that a good use of a birthday present? There is a scene that you're going to be uncomfortable with where the Buscemi and another guy have sex with two hookers in the same room. Olivia already found that on Common Sense Media and said she's not going to watch the movie because you know this about me. That's why you brought it up. You know this about my family. I mean, so I need to know when that is and I will leave the room. It is.

I forget the movie, by the way. So is it is it fairly gratuitous when they're having sex or is it like a huge plot point that I'm going to miss something? Not a plot point. It's just showing the grittiness and how fucking down and dirty these two guys are. The Coen brothers love showing you down and dirty. Oh, well, wait till you see the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia. You have not seen Down and Dirty. So I hesitated to watch this series because I felt like how could it possibly hold up?

The guy that plays the role of, not Buscemi. Who's the other main guy in the movie? But wait, I've seen two of the three Fargo seasons, I think. Oh, you like it? Oh, it's such great art, especially because the movie Fargo already existed. And they made this.

What's the guy's name who plays the lead? But I didn't know it was that parallel. But anyway, the guy who plays the lead originally was, he's in This Is Us Again. His wife just spent a little time in jail, right? That guy? But I didn't know it was that parallel. But anyway, the guy who plays the lead originally was he's in. This is us again. His wife, his wife just spent a little time in jail. Right.

That guy. William Macy. Yes. William H. Macy. William Macy. But the guy who plays William Macy's character is fantastic. He really he gets the spirit of the character, the physicality. I mean, he really studied it, and he's amazing. Are you talking about the first season?

Yeah. By the way, I hope our podcast listeners love when we're like, yeah, his wife just spent time. Like, us trying to find names is the funniest fucking thing. But the bad guy who won the Emmy for that in season one, you know, is Bad Santa. Come on. What is it? This is like charades. Oh, Billy Bob Thornton. Was unbelievable. Yeah. And he won the Emmy for that? Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's when I first noted that that's something I obviously have to watch because I was also dismissing it. Now, the William H. Macy character, are you talking about the British actor who played him?

Yes. Oh, from The Office, from the original British Office. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And a ton of other things. He's incredible. So great. Oh.

He's amazing. All right, so let's go. We're going from entertainment to you know what it is, folks. You live for it. You wait for it. We're bringing it to you now know what it is, folks. You live for it. You wait for it. We're bringing it to you now. It's the Sunday comics. All right.

Well, should we start with Hager? I know you love Hager the Horrible. I love him. Okay, let's get to it. I said I'd look him up. I did look up Family Circus this week, and there's really nothing to learn about it. But go ahead.

Let's see. to learn about it. But go ahead. Let's see. Sorry for the delay. I have a lot of open windows because that's how I leave all the porn. Did I close Hager? Jesus, tell me I didn't. Let's start with the Lockhorn. Oh, no, here it is. I have one.

By the way, if you want to keep looking, I actually have the Sunday, I have the Saturday comics. Do you want me to read? I read Dilbert. Okay. I love Dilbert. Yeah. Did you say you love Dilbert? Love Dilbert.

Okay, here's the Dilbert. Of course, something tells me I'm not going to love it. I'm open to Family Circus. No, no, you'll probably still love it. I think it's your thing. All right, Dilbertbert here it is the first page is uh this woman comes over to dilbert she's probably popular character who i don't know but she goes over to dilbert first of all dilbert by the way looks like the guy from smack your bitch up is his hair always just two pylons on top of his head yeah what the fuck I've never seen this.

So Dilbert, I've contacted my lawyer to sue you for your sexist jokes. Second frame, your humor is not funny and there's a good chance it is illegal. Okay? So that's her. Third frame now, Dilbert has gone over to what looks like a red cat. Can I guess? Can I guess the final frame? Sure, go ahead.

Turns out my humor is criminally unfunny. You're reading it right now, you bitch. I read it earlier today. Okay. I think that's fucking great. I think he, it completely discounts this fucking woman saying that he's degrading her in the workplace. And then and then, by the way, and then so he goes, I just learned that I am criminally unfunny. You learned more than that to pile on head motherfucker.

And then he's talking to a red cat. I guess I'm just going to accept that. Who's sitting on a desk and he's like, you're always the last to know. The cat completely misses the point of this. What does that even have to do with anything? You're always the last to know. That's not the subject here. As if like it's not real information. Now you're the last to know, bullshit like that. Yeah. Like it's no commentary on whether he's funny or not. It's just that in addition to being

obviously a sex offender, I guess, and criminally unfunny, you're also the last to know things here. Yeah. I like that. This is Hag of the Heart. And again, the comics, they're not for women.

If you're a strong woman, wrap it up at obituaries and then move on to The New Yorker or Rolling Stone or whatever magazine you read because the comics are just... All right, for instance, Hag of the Horrible. The first slide, what do you call them? Slides? Sure. Frame. The first frame.

His hagger and he's standing up. They're on the battlefield. His men are all around and there's arrows in the air. And he says, go forth and fight for your women. And they don't move. And then the guy, his assistant says, hmm, that didn't motivate them. So he stands up and he goes. Wait, is this the last frame?

Yeah. Can I guess? Yeah. I didn't mean your women at home. The women you're about to rape. Fight for them. Go forth and fight for the enemy's women. Are you serious?

And then they all get up and go running. Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's great. I tried to think of the craziest thing. This is right before Snoopy sitting on a doghouse dreaming about food.

Cut to medieval rape. Yeah. I love it, man. That's like an anomaly. That's so crazy. Yeah. So that's Hager. By the way, in the section that all kids go to.

Yeah. That's the other thing. Right. I love it. This is, wait. Lockhorns. I love the Lockhorns. Again, he's a little hard on Loretta. Leroy is a punch-faced, bald guy who's an alcoholic and who does not appreciate his wife, who's doing nothing but trying's trying. Yeah. And he says he's in the electronic store and he's talking to the salesman and he goes, I want to buy a huge TV to annoy my fat, angry wife. That's the whole comic.

No, it's not. I swear to God. Oh my God. That's unbelievable. That's it's too on the nose. But if I say it's on the nose, I mean, it's accurate. You know what I mean? It's too blunt and real. That's crazy. Yeah. So not only is he going to spend money that she doesn't want him to spend, he's insulting her while he does it. doesn't want him to spend. He's insulting her while he does it. I mean, you think, imagine him writing the first draft, like give me the biggest TV you have so I can drop it on that cunt.

No, let me back it off of that a little bit. I get to soften this a little bit. First he was in a piano store. That's how they used to kill him. All right. So a lot of people enjoy Mike's take on Family Circus, but I found that there's actually an entire site of people that like shitting on Family Circus. Yeah. It makes me feel validated. I don't feel like I am late to it, but I'm also feel validated. Well, I was early to it and now I'm revisiting it. And this is these are scenes that are shown. These are strips that are shown to people.

And then all these people like dozens of people put in their captions. Right. So, Mike, I'm going to give you the caption. And I haven't read it either. The caption stands on its own. And they've taken away. What's the guy's name who writes these? Keene, I think.

Yeah. I have one right here. I have one, Bill Keene. Yeah, Bill Keene. By the way, it's Bill with one L. I guess they took it away because there's no laughs. So one of the L's disappeared. Go ahead.

so the daughter the youngest daughter is kneeling in her bed praying yeah and the mother is standing next to the bed she's got like a towel folded up over her arm and she's watching the girl the girl's mouth is moving so we know the line comes from the girl as mom watches from the background the girl is saying please please, Bill Keen, write something fucking funny for me to say. That's what she's praying for. It's a little hard not seeing it, but yeah, I mean, it could be any, I mean, okay, do you want me to say, please, please keep daddy out of bed tonight. Oh God. Yeah. The sex ones and drugs or violence.

So do you see the caption there? You have it? No, they don't even give you Bill Keats. Oh, all right. I was going to try to make an accurate guess. I don't know what that would be, though. Yeah, yeah. She's begging for it.

Here's some of the ones that they. Here's a real one. By the way, I have a real family circus here. It's the grandmother. She has three kids in her hands while she's reading the paper. So the three kids are all in her arms and the daughter's pie hole is open. So I guess she's the one talking. And it says, Mommy doesn't read us, dear Abby, Grandma, just the comics. So what I love about this is even the grandma won't go to the comics, probably in fear of seeing a family fucking circus. She's not even there. It can actually, it really can make you angry when you look at it. And I can always remember that about reading the Sunday. Because I was, the reason we do this segment is i was i fucking loved it and when i was a little

kid before i read the paper i would go to the sunday comics first and i would read them i would lay down on the floor spread them out read them i can still name every one of them and they haven't changed this is 40 years later and uh 45 years, and it's still the same ones. Once in a while, they put a new one in. The boondocks came in, the black one. That was kind of a big deal for the comics to have some diversity. No, but I'd read The Family Circus, and it always bothered me. This is the boy.

The father's driving, and the the boy, the father's driving and the son is in the passenger seat. He's got a baseball bat and his mitt over his shoulder and a very sad face. He has a frown on his face. The dad's pie hole is open, so he's talking. And he says,

This is what, challenging, putting me on the spot right now? What do you want? God, I... What I want to know is the real one. It's probably some bullshit like... I'm stumped. I can't even do it. Something about your mom?

Don't tell your mom. No, it's going to be something like, listen, when about your mom, your mom. Don't tell your mom. No, it's going to be something like, listen, when I was little, uh, I'd get kicked out of games all the time too. I don't know. Right. By the way, I'm not actually saying, no, this is the oldest thing in the book where it's like supply caption this, you know, like the New Yorker cartoons, right? They do take a while.

What takes a while is for them to be good. And that's called a job. And that's what this fucking guy doesn't do. Yeah. So there it could have been like this, like, you know, don't worry, son. I didn't think it was a strike either. Like some bullshit like that. And it's got to be tough.

Say you're some offbeat, nerdy comic book kid, goes to Parsons School of Design, gets out. His only goal, he wants to be a comic strip writer. And he comes up with four or five amazing pitches. And he goes in to the syndicated media or whoever prints all these newspapers and he pitches it and they go not bad, but I can't see knocking family circus out for that. That's got to tear you up. Yeah. You can't win them all some, but you can't lose them all either,

but somehow you're doing it or, you know, something like that wrote that who knows hey oh my god we're gonna wrap it up wait i know we're gonna wrap it up hold on as we always do i wait i did find a funny one though in terms in terms of these parodies there is one thing i found called jersey circus and what they do is they take a real cell or frame from family circus and they put in dialogue from the Jersey shore. Oh, that's good. So I'll read you one here, which is, um, uh, the little kid comes in and his kids are, and the parents are on the, uh, on the couch and the little kid says to him, this house needs a stripper pole. the couch and the little kid says to him, this house needs a stripper pole. And then little kid, little kid has stepped outside of the bath that he's like, I want, he's naked and he's outside the bath and he's like, he's yelling to his mom. I want to put Nutella on my toes and suck them

right now. I was sorry. I want you to put Nutella on my toes and suck them right now. I was sorry. I want you to put Nutella on my toes and suck them right now. Anyway, I think that's a nice creative combination. All right. All right. Let's let's go to Blondie. Let's go to Blondie once again. Dagwood Bumstead. He really puts the bum in Bumstead because this guy's a piece of shit. He barely provides for Blondie. He he does. His hair looks ridiculous. It's like he's slick it's like something about mary it's like he took cum and wiped the sides of his head and pushed the hair back right he's been working for this guy mr uh i forget the guy's name but uh he doesn't get along with his

his boss and and there's no reason why he should he's a shitty employee yeah and so he comes home and he's talking to his boss at work. And he says, he goes, boss, may I take Friday off so Blondie and I can enjoy a long weekend away? And the boss goes, that's possible. Next frame, he's got his hands on Dagwood's shoulders and he goes, if I don't catch you playing poker on your computer the rest of the week. Third frame, Dagwood walking in the house with his briefcase, Blondie answering the door, wearing a hot fuchsia sweater, hugging her breasts, holding them as tight as I would hold them with my fucking scrawny Irish hand.

The sweater is holding them, right? The sweater is all over those tits. And she looks at him with those full luscious lips and he looks at her and goes, looks like we're not going away this weekend. You piece of garbage. You cannot keep yourself from playing poker for a week. So you can take this beautiful woman to a fucking hotel and have insane hotel

sex for two nights. Oh boy. Oh Jesus.. Oh, Jesus. I mean, you just think about how many guys' wives fall apart after a certain age. They have a grown kid, and she still looks like this. Maybe it's in there because the ladies are over there reading Hager, and then they go over to,

they're feeling pretty bad about themselves, and then they go over and they see this piece of shit. Yeah. Although they are seeing a woman stick with this piece of shit. Yes, that's my point. Yeah. And she does get a day job

and we'll bring that up on next week's Sunday Papers. Mike, it's been a blast. Yes. I hope you have a great week and again, happy birthday to you. Thank you so much, man. I wish I could, you know, toast a drink with you or something, but we'll just do it on the podcast. I got two Zooms with two different parts of my family on the East Coast.

And out here. So I got a lot of Zoom cake eating to do tonight. Did I tell you about my family Zoom on my birthday? No. Oh, my God. So I'm on with my family, and we're all lined up on the couch. It's me, my wife, two kids. And we got the computer open, and we've got Aaron's mom and her boyfriend in New York.

And we're having a nice talk. What are you going to do for your birthday? Oh, they gave you breakfast in bed. That's really nice. And we're very happy nice talk. What are you going to do for your birthday? Oh, they gave you breakfast in bed. That's really nice. And we're very happy to see her parents. And then on the screen, I get a text message that pops up and it's from Bill Burr

and it goes, have you learned how to suck your own cock yet? Oh, perfect. Whole family sees it they were fucking dying that's pretty great alright man happy Easter thank you man you too

alright talk to you next week alright take it easy time to put another one in the bottom of the bird cage there it is see you next week. Alrighty.