Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg & Mike Ep: 7 4/19/20

Episode Date: April 19, 2020

Read all about it! Germany is making lists again and Hagar the Horrible gets #MeToo’d. Don’t miss everything you missed in this week's news. @Gibbonstime  

You can read it in the Sunday Papers. Read it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Sunday Papers coming back to you on Sunday. As always, Mike Gibbons joins me. Greg Fitzsimmons. Let's do this. He's in a closet with coats behind.

Oh, wait. I got to record. It doesn't matter. I'm going to record it. You guys, if you want to start looking at our videos, they will start up um starting this week we're going to start putting them up on instagram i'm not a fan of the idea but okay why not well look at me and look at my setting i'm in a closet i'm surrounded by old coats and shirts. But boy, the acoustics really dull in here, which is the goal, isn't it?

Yeah, no, that's how it should be. And I'm at the airport. You could probably hear a prop plane landing right now. Can you hear that? Yeah, I can. Yeah. So it's professional. But guess what, folks?

We are on the charts. We're charting on iTunes after our first week moving over to our own RSS feed. How did that happen? I don't know. I feel like every time you come on my podcast, the feedback is always like, Mike Gibbons is the best guest. We love hearing you guys together. And so I think that a lot of those people tuned in and they're telling people. So do us a favor. Let's keep moving up. Tell your friends.

Like it. Go to iTunes podcast or whatever they call it, Apple podcast, and give it five stars. Leave a comment. Tell your friends and help us keep building it. It's a time now where we feel good about putting out some content. Yeah. And we're glad you guys are appreciating it. All right. So Mike, another week, another week, what'd you do all week? How'd you, how'd you occupy yourself? I watched a lot of things. I had the, I had the girls five days in a row. A little later, I had some audio. I pressed record

before I, I asked my oldest daughter, what the Say Yes to the Dress is all about and why she was watching her like ninth one in a row. That's great. Yeah. Oh, I showed the kids Memento. I know we could put this in the entertainment section. Memento holds up, man. It's pretty crazy. And I watched it with the girls and it was really interesting. Just watched it again recently. It's a fantastic movie. I watched Fargo and I have to say, I know it's one of your favorite movies of all time. It doesn't hold up as well as I thought.

I'm shocked to hear you say that. I know. I know. Normally I would, but you know what it is? I think kind of like Twin Peaks was a game changer. I think it changed the game so much and inspired so much of this great television that leans into that quirkiness and sort of that oddness while really dark stuff is happening all around it that it almost, you know, is a little old because of so much that it inspired, if that makes sense. No, no. It's like when you go back and watch The British Office, you don't appreciate

how that set a whole new genre of TV. That's a great example. But I also did think it was weird, like William H. Macy's acting so bizarre and she is so intuitive. Right. And then I guess she just learned from that guy that asked to meet her. They went to high school together and then she found out he was lying. And I mean, like, wow, you can't trust people. I guess that's what that was about. But and then I'm like, oh, well, now she's going to take that and really question the William H. Macy and trip him up. And instead, the whole thing is kind of solved by her driving around the lake on the way back. But that's why I like the Coen brothers is there are dangling plot lines. They don't have to feel like they tie it all together.

I feel like it's like a snapshot of a certain slice of life, whether it's Arizona or whether it's a you know, a Cormac McCarthy novel. It's like they're showing you something. Well, No Country for Old Men is one of my easily my favorite movie that year. It was unbelievable. Yeah, Cormac McCarthy. Yeah, I had a big theory that it was about Bush at that time and the 9-11 attacks because it was about these old lawmen from Texas and his daddy. His daddy was a sheriff also. And now there's a new type of villain using unusual weapons because he was killing people

with the cattle prod. And it was the old guard not understanding. And, you know, people just use airplanes to bomb us and fly into buildings. And so it was the old guard lawmen from Texas trying to wrap their mind around this, this new terrorist. Um, anyway. Right. And, and the TV show, the Fargo TV show, we just finished, we finished the entire series in like a week. We were watching three episodes a night, every night. Kirsten Dunst is so fucking talented. It's amazing. Well, she was married to what's his name?name. They were amazing.

Didn't they have the freezer in the garage or something? Yeah, the guy from Breaking Bad. And, you know, they were married on the show, and then they got married in real life. Oh, my God. They're going to have the whitest children on Earth. Oh, my God. Hopefully they don't get his eyes.

I mean, he really looks like he's intellectually disabled. Yeah, he looks a bit special. His roles are perfect for it. Yeah. I mean, in Breaking Bad, he was terrifying because he could be unbelievably nice and within minutes killing you. Right. So this week, huge news for our friend Tom O'Neill. Oh, my God.

I got him on the Joe Rogan show. He's got a book book and he's been on my podcast and you were there with me. That was the biggest solid like ever. I mean, he did not get enough push. The New York Times didn't review his book yet. They did an article about him. I don't understand it. And he doesn't understand fully how the book world works and how a book can start to generate steam, but you just jumpstarted it. Well, Joe Rogan did. I mean, I had told Joe about his book is called Chaos. It's about the Manson murders. And he spent 20 years writing this book. And you and I were there every step of the way, hearing about the trials and the tribulations of it and hearing his discoveries

and all the stuff about the CIA mind control, using LSD to get his followers to kill and shit leading up to the Kennedy assassination. Your wedding was what, 99? 2000. No, 99. 99. And mine was 2000. Probably like your wedding. At my wedding

he regaled not only the whole table he was sitting at, which was like 12 people, but like the next table was leaning and listening to it. And then that's the year 2000. For 20 years I've had to deal with follow-up questions. I keep looking for the book.

Where's the book? Like it's 2012. I'm like, I know it's coming out any month now. Oh, my God. Anyway, Rogan was kind enough to have him on. I listened to it. I'm telling you, I cannot remember. I know I know Tom, obviously. He's one of my best friends. He's been my neighbor for 25 years in New York and then in LA. It is maybe the best Rogan interview that I've ever heard. It is so it's all stories, but they're all like it's like if conspiracy theory could be corroborated with real reporting and facts and evidence, that's what it is. It's shit that's so far out there.

But Tom is so eloquent. Did you listen to it yet? I listened to the whole thing. And to Rogan's credit, I think it's the podcast where Rogan said the fewest amount of words ever. Yeah, I couldn't believe how patient he was. And by the way, a good listener like he then would chime in sometimes after three or four minutes and nail it with the perfect follow-up or a question that backed it up a little bit for, you know, listeners. I thought both of them. Joe has a gift of drawing people out and letting them go. But then what he does is he'll go, now, hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt, but just to recap, and then he'll pull it all together for you. He's like,

he's like the guy that's making sure the listener is, is ingesting all this information that's coming out this fast. And then, um, and then Tom is really good at like, never, he, he will never make a conclusion that he hasn't corroborated. And so a lot of times Joe would go, oh, so, so, so this is why Ruby went crazy. And Tom would always go, I can't say that officially. And I think that was refreshing for Rogan listeners because they're used to hearing sometimes people like Alex Jones comes on and they just throw shit at the wall. That's why the earth is flat, fat. Right, right.

And fuck all of you who don't see what I'm – Yeah. Yeah. So anyway anyway so that was that was a big thing this week but let's get to some news hey let's do a sunday paper situation all right here we go front page people here it is uh first thing i saw on the front page today is Texas protesting. Who knew? Who knew Texas would be the first ones to break with the pandemic shutdown and say, no, we need we have a right to get out there. They're having a parade.

All the rules don't apply to Texans. Yeah. Never have. Yeah. Never have. So protesters in Texas, dozens of them, gathered on the steps of the Capitol building, and they called for the reopening of the state and the country. Good. It was called the You Can't Close America Rally. And you know who joined them, right?

Who? Florida. Oh, no shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. The beaches are open. Yeah. Or at least the guy, was it in Jacksonville? I forget.

But it's a move to make. Florida is doing the same thing as Texas. They want open now. And it's like, you know what? Let them. Well, in Florida, the governor, Ron DeSantis, was the guy who he was like one of the last ones to close down his state. And they have a huge outbreak in the state of Florida. And and so did you see the pictures of people on the beach?

It was like, yes, they were packed. And now it's going to be open again. And the whole world is probably looking because they know it. Florida also knows it backfired the first time. they know it back florida also knows it backfired the first time florida is like that crazy fucking relative in your family that you have to explain to people like we have to explain to the whole world like yeah no no yeah we got florida's with us sorry it's like visiting family at a family reunion and it's like oh yeah that's richie like richie's like fucking we just gotta know like you gotta know yeah keep them away from the bar.

Right. Your medicine cabinets upstairs. They don't have pills in them, do they? Wait, he's with the kid. No, you can't leave Richie with the kids. Like. Yeah. Richie is Florida.

Yeah. Richie is the guy that your kid, when your kid runs away, he stays with Richie. Yeah. And that's where the worst shit happens to him. That's where he tries meth for the first time. Yeah. He has a three way. Did you see the episode on Big That's where he tries meth for the first time. Yeah. He has a three-way. Did you see the episode on Big Mouth where they go down to Florida?

No. Dude. Oh, really? Maybe. Top 10 funniest TV episodes I've seen in my life. They go down, and the kid is making out with his cousin. They blow up a boat. It's fucking hilarious.

Yeah. It's hard to go back. I mean, it's so fun. Well, I told you about the uh the the twitter feed florida man yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah florida man goes into delhi steals atm machine and takes selfie on the way out like just the most insane shit about florida and drives into a crocodile right right oh yeah there was crocodiles in the Big Mouth episode, too. Oh, of course. And by the way, a lot of Florida on my TikTok.

I told you I'm addicted to TikTok, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nice time of your life to get addicted to TikTok. Oh, my God. I sit in bed. Aaron goes to sleep, and I sit there for an hour and a half. All right, I'll go take a look. Until my eyes are burning, and it's all Florida. All right. I'll go. So my eyes are burning and it's all Florida,

all Florida, people fishing, alligators come up. They try to pet them. Their arm gets bit, you know, jumping into pools, drunk and slamming their faces.

It's fucking riveting. It's like an amusement park that people have snuck in after it closed. Like you're, you're going to get hurt. We did that in Florida. We actually, as I was half saying, I'm like, we're going to get hurt. We did that in Florida. We actually, as I was half saying, I'm like, we did that once. Yeah, we did that. We drove your sister's car from, uh, from New York down to Florida. Yep. And, uh, the last night before we got to your dad's house,

we stopped in our, I think it was on Orlando. I think you're right. We broke in and we turned on a water slide and we went on a water slide. Yep. And we went down a water slide at like two in the morning. You were still drinking, right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Billy Clark.

Bill Clark was there. Quentin Tarantino's first AD on all his movies. Yeah, that was amazing. His date at the Oscars. Yeah. Also, big story this week. Wow. Our old boss, Ellen DeGeneres is really getting her

feet put to the coals. Uh, there was an article I'll, I'll read a little bit. There was many articles, the LA times variety. She's getting hit. Guardian. Yeah. She's getting hit hard. Um, crew members on her talk show are reportedly furious over the way they've been treated during the coronavirus. According to Variety, the core stage crew for Ellen was frustrated they haven't received written communication about the status of their jobs or pay. So wait, I want to clarify. So the executive producers, the leaders at the Ellen show, are treating the staff like shit kind of,

and they're like not listening to them and actually disregarding them in any way and don't treat them as part of the family. Is that what this is saying? That's what this is saying. Yeah. The article is saying that. Wow. And the article goes on to say that they found out through social media

that an outside non-union company was hired for Ellen to film her show remotely from her home. So this article is saying the bosses at Ellen really are antagonistic and don't like unions. That's what this is saying also. It also points out that she started filming again as soon as possible so she could support her staff and crew. So what the article is saying is that she says one thing and that sometimes is the other. Wow. That would really that would really be frustrating for anyone that worked for her, I'd imagine. her, I'd imagine. I would imagine. She's worth $330 million. And meanwhile, Jimmy Kimmel reached into his own pocket and has been paying his entire staff and crew, as have other TV hosts have been paying their entire staffs and crew. Apparently, according to this article, she has not followed suit.

Huh. So she hasn't been generous with her staff, according to this article. That's what this says. And I hear also that a lot of her employees, they must sign nondisclosure agreements, right? I think it's pretty standard when you work at that job. I can't recall with my contract if there was a nondisclosure agreement. If there was, I certainly couldn't mention that there was one that I might have signed. I can't recall right now as I sit here either, but yeah, probably better safe than sorry. But boy, this is unfortunate news. safe than sorry. But boy, this is unfortunate news. You hate when a co-worker has a hard time.

Yeah, right. So, huh. That's tough. Tough stuff over there. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like only yesterday that she was hanging out with George W. Bush. And, you know, it seems like those were better times. Oh, when she showed the world that two people with hundreds of millions of dollars can sit and kind of get along with the security guard, keeping the public out of their luxury box. That's right. Yeah. And they found that even if their politics were different and say one was a homosexual and the other one passed legislation preventing those people from being treated like humans and getting married, that they can see past that years later. And one history will show was sort of a war criminal and not just a different view on politics. Yeah, I mean, it's interesting.

It's just and those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. So let's move on. Let's go to the next lesson, though. My phone's ringing. Is it? Is this Jared? Is this my lawyer, Jared? Hey, by the way, a quick one. You know, this second wave, that's what everyone's trying to figure out is how we come back, right?

So I don't know if you saw this, but it wasn't talked about that much, but Japan on Monday declared a state of emergency. It wasn't talked about that much. But Japan on Monday declared a state of emergency. Japan was very, very early, obviously way ahead of us because of their proximity to China. And they started to relax restrictions on March 19th. Now they're and by the way, their idea of relaxing restrictions way harsher than us, not even counting Florida and Texas. And they are now under a state of emergency because of the spike in the surge. Well, who knew that you couldn't go back to fitting 470 people in one subway car and not have something spread around? Yeah. Who knew that you couldn't defecate on a woman and not spread germs in some way? I'm just very worried. I'm just very worried.

That's true. I'm just very worried, though, because, man, all you see. First of all, I tune into Fox News just to relax, and this is not political, but it is more relaxing. They are less hysterical. Many even feel that it's not that big of a threat. Anyway, it's nice because it's relaxing. But, boy, are they talking about China a lot

and about that China developed this as a weapon of mass destruction of sorts. No. Oh, no, no, no, no. A friend pointed out to me, and he's a full-blown conspiracy theorist, but God, once he planted the seed, the China headlines are kind of everywhere now.

And what I then think about, and this has nothing to do with left or right. This has to do with America. There has never been a case of a recession is deep or depression that they're predicting that the solution was not war. And I'm very, very worried. That's all. Let's move on to later fare. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, who have moved to L.A. now,

helped out with the coronavirus. They delivered meals to L.A. residents. They volunteered through the Project Angel Food, a nonprofit. And they bring food to chronically ill people. They were wearing masks and gloves. And they dropped off a week's worth of perishable meals and foods to 20 of the charity's clients last week.

How do we know it was them? They're probably like, they found some redhead with a mask on there i am still acting like still acting like i don't have a job you're right it was probably some people that work on the ellen show yeah that had some time on their hands headline we're still going to be patronizing in los angeles just a new place maybe we'll throw a former prince concerts like i used to be a Prince. Here's my trust. Yeah. Yeah. It was,

it was some redhead from Toluca Lake who is doing a British accent. Yeah. With a mixed race, hot girl, not hardly any of those in LA. All of them have one. All those redheads have a mixed race, hot girl.

All right. Let's do some entertainment, Mike. All right, I got entertainment. Hooray for Hollywood. Comic-Con officially canceled, not even delayed. 2020 will not happen for Comic-Con officially canceled, not even delayed. 2020 will not happen for Comic-Con. And my first thought was, this is the one gathering where everybody was already wearing masks and nobody was touching them. And now you're going to say to this fragile bunch of nerds, we're taking away the one thing you live for. fragile bunch of nerds. We're taking away the one thing you live for.

It's like not only could Comic-Con have happened and not one case would have spread, but also it's like their only reason to live. I think this is going to be a massive backfire. Right. They literally, they just found out yesterday there's a quarantine. It hadn't changed their lifestyle in any way. No, they had to yell up from the basement, Mom, I can't go to Comic-Con. I've been in the basement for six years.

Nothing changes. They're going home. Yeah, they're fully sequestered. Have you ever gone to Comic-Con? Not even to make fun of it, which is weird. Same thing with Burning Man. I've never even gone to sort of in an ironic way or any way. I've never been either.

The closest I came was I was in Dallas one time working at a club, and they put me in this hotel where there just happened to be a furry convention going on. You know, the people that dress up as like furry animals. You know, the people that dress up as like furry animals. And there were probably 2,000 people dressed up as furries in my hotel. And I just thought if I could find a hit of acid right now, I would not go back to Los Angeles. Oh, my God. That would be unbelievable. They were all hugging each other.

They were all full of love. They were hugging me. They were laughing. I mean, it was the most positive energy I've ever felt in my life. They should all be fucking scooped up and put in a wet market. That's what I think. They were all shitting on the floor. Yeah. By the way, I'm not even, I was telling you earlier, I am having some fatigue. Like now I'll be making dinner and I'll like, I'll touch the chicken and put it in the pan.

I don't even wash my hand. I don't even wash my hands after chicken anymore. I'm like, honestly, I wash my hands so many times a day and a chicken really, you're still, you're still holding the beer of that bat. That is really fucking us.

Chicken's got nothing. They don't even scare me anymore. Yeah. Right. Yeah. We've beaten them down with, if we can just get fit, fill the bats with the same fucking NGOs that we put in all the rest of our animals, right. Yeah, we've beaten them down with it. If we can just fill the bats with the same fucking NGOs that we put in all the rest of our animals. NGOs?

I don't know what that is. Oh, yeah. Oh, the hormones? Hormones. Yeah. I think I got the wrong three letters. And antibiotics, too. I don't know what it is. It's something. Oh, my God. My mother, speaking of old people not being able to speak correctly my mother wrote a letter my my my mother and my daughter send letters to each other oh wow very sweet yeah yeah my mother sent a letter to my daughter and then she read part of it at dinner last night out loud to us okay and it said um

um It said, I'm so happy that you guys are all together and that you can eat and play games. Cold trucks are driving dead bodies around here in Florida. I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting. Oh, my God. I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting. Oh, my God. It was like a fucking Edgar Allan Poe poem. We laughed for five minutes.

It was so fucking perfect. You honestly should print it in a very kind of flowery way, maybe like centered, and on your fridge, like a William Carlos Williams poem, like the grapes were delicious in the fridge, but I ate them. Like it's just a little, it's a perfect thing to put on your fridge. Cold trucks. Yeah. You know, dead bodies.

What a fucking image that is. Just, I almost picture like ice cream trucks with a bell ringing, but feet sticking out of the back. Yeah. It's the typical Irish, like enjoy if you can. I almost picture like ice cream trucks with a bell ringing, but feet sticking out of the back. Yeah. It's the typical Irish, like, enjoy if you can. Like, it would be a miracle, but enjoy. I don't know how you'll do it with all,

everything bad that's going to happen, and certainly it's amazing you're even alive. Yeah. Enjoy that potato. Let me tell you a little story about potatoes. Another entertainment news. Okay. This is, we should just call this the unpopular segment. People are going to hate me for this. There was so much talk about two shows that are, are everyone's binging. The two shows are unorthodox. And the one that Kerry Washington is, unorthodox. And, um, the one that Kerry Washington is, is in called a little fires everywhere.

Okay. So I watched both and I, I really disliked both. Um, and, uh, have you, have you watched any of these? Haven't even heard of them. So unorthodox is based on, uh, this woman's, um, woman's book where she was in Brooklyn in the Orthodox Hasidic community, and she basically escaped and went over to Berlin, at least in the show she did. I know the first half is mostly true. Like recently. Yeah. In the teens, five years ago, ten years ago, or something like that. And so anyway, but boy, they spend so much time on, and I guess maybe it's that we're from New York, but it's like, we get it. Yes. They,

it's crazy. The sex is impersonal. It's an arranged marriage. They have no fun. There's domestic abuse. Domestic abuse. They are like, not even the women are not even a second class citizen. So they keep doing flashbacks to this premise. And it's like, it's kind of like if it seemed like an afterschool special, it's almost like doing a slavery movie where it's like, no,

no, no. Then they hit them. It's like, yeah, yeah, we get it. You got to build on this general understanding that everybody has.

Okay. Yeah. Little fires everywhere is Kerry Washington. Okay. Here's where we lose a lot of listeners. I don't know. I've never seen Kerry Washington act well. I never saw scandal. Maybe she act well in that. I saw American son, which was a play, and then they filmed it. And I just think she has one mode, which is extreme intense overacting. And so she plays this lunatic.

I haven't finished Little Fires Everywhere. So maybe it's a giant misdirect and she's not a lunatic. That's the only thing that could explain it. Otherwise she's, I don't know. I'm already bored with what I'm saying. I hated both of those things. There was a show about Lindbergh on HBO.

Yeah, I worked at HBO when that was out. In the 90s. I try. No, no, no. No, there's a new one. Oh, okay. It just came out.

And it's about him running for president and it's following this Jewish family. And it's like, if you're going to do a show with a Jewish family in it, you don't have to say Jewish every nine seconds. in it you don't have to say jewish every nine seconds right you don't have to have everything be well mom doesn't want you to be date a boy who's not jewish it's like there was so many tropes that they never got to the fucking story it was just about and i get it look i'm fucking sensitive to the oppression that jews went through in this country in the 50s I got it

50s? When did Lindbergh run? Yeah I guess it was after World War II but fucking unwatchable. Good cast but the writing was shit Yeah so here's the really unpopular part. So there's also an incredibly odd pacing

where the dialogue is even very bizarre. It's like that you're not even completing sentence like and not in an artful way. You're not even completing thoughts. Sometimes I literally carry Washington and would leave. I'll be like, oh, bye. Bye bye. You forgot to say bye. Like it was the weirdest. And then sometimes I then it got funny for me. Keep in mind, I'm watching this alone. And then like I would be like, oh, you know she's not a mind reader. Now I feel like a guy in an argument with a woman.

Like, you know she can't read your mind. You did not articulate what you thought you just articulated to her. It was all so weird. So I then look it up. Here we go. Unorthodox. Based on a woman's book. Created by a woman.

The EPs, there's seven executive producers. And of course, I want to ask now, am I allowed to say this? Because everyone's allowed to say when a production is guy heavy and there's blind spots because there's so many guys. And those are all valid criticisms. Am I allowed to say this? It's a woman's book created by a woman. The EPs, there's seven of them. Guess what? All seven executive producers are women. The directors, all of them except one are women. And then I looked up the writer's room.

Eight people in the writer's room. Seven women and one man. And the man was a writer on Transparent, which I think suffered from a lot of the same criticisms you know that i'm having you know a lot of i would put donuts to dollars that that gentleman on that staff is in fact a homosexual greg i'm not even gonna go there because it actually doesn't even matter to me by the way maybe he's not that doesn't even matter so okay then we go over to Little Fires Everywhere.

Little Fires Everywhere, based on a woman's memoir, created by two women. All of the writers, all of the writers, sorry. Oh, no. Little Fires Everywhere, I just described. Now I'm unorthodox. Woman's memoir, created by a woman. The two women writers, all the writers except for one man. But then I looked.

He was only there because he was their Hasidic consultant. So all of the writers on Unorthodox are women also. And the director of every episode was a woman. Now, I am just saying that I think it's a fair criticism when people point this out about productions that are man heavy. Can the same be said about this? And by the way, are we going to transition into why can't I say the N word? Oh boy. But why am I also looking? All right, let's switch. Let's all right. Anyway. Oh Jesus. I'm not going to dig myself out of a hole now because I walk into the room. Oh shit. God, I'm a monster. I walk into the room and Sophie is, my oldest, is watching a show called Say Yes to the Dress.

Oh, of course. I leave the room. I come back two hours later. She's still watching Save the Dress. I can't take it anymore. I sit down next to her and I watch a little. And then, so I ask her some questions. Hopefully this audio comes through.

Here we go. A lot of the dresses are super pretty. And then so. I watch it for the dresses. And the funny family. But is there a story? Like she can't afford a $5,000 dress? Like where's the tension?

Where's the conflict? And you're just deciding. So let's try and show them. So it's like a bunch of women watching a relative come out. Can you turn up the volume a little? And that's the show. I'm surprised that she doesn't like the black. I'm very bored, Dad.

I'm very bored, Dad. All right, anyway, maybe you can't hear that. We can cut this part if we can't hear it. But I can play you then. Can you hear this part? Yes yes i'm having a boy so how often do these people cry it seems like there's a lot of emotionally unstable people on the show no no i've seen other people get really angry also it's true no i've already seen other people cry like they cry when they come out with the dress i mean

should they be getting married now you can't hear oh i basically then say should they be getting married if they're this unstable and then i'll just i'll just translate now and then um you know of course anyone in that generation my daughter's generation is so uncomfortable with the with the topics of race like you can't be like oh was he black like dad oh my god and so i'm like okay so are there ever is this ever say yes to the dresses because there's lesbian couples and she's like yes and she's really defiant and i'm like and now with gay couples is it ever like say yes to the tux have they have they branched out like is it a bigger show and so mortified that I dare even speak about, you know, sort of homosexual issues or anything like that. Oh, my God. Yeah. Now I'm getting the same thing with my daughter.

We we don't yell, but we have some like really intense conversations at dinner about race and sexuality. You know, I mean, their generation is really, it's great in a lot of ways. I mean, this whole woke thing isn't all bad. I mean, it's definitely like, I think there's gay kids in her school that are out and that are comfortable and that are dating each other. Oh, what do you mean? There's literally gay clubs. Yeah, it's great. Like after school, you form a club with an interest.

There's gay clubs. Yeah, they're way out. Yeah, of course. It's great. And I think racially, our kids go to a school that's interest. There's gay clubs. Yeah, they're way out. Yeah, of course. It's great. And I think racially, our kids go to a school that's very racially mixed. Totally. And, you know, half her friends are diversity hires. Whites are not the majority.

Right. That's true. So, no, it's great. It's great. But with that comes this empowerment. And it's like, hey, sweetie, my school was the same fucking way. Right. So, you know, we've all been through this.

Yep. Well, we haven't even wait till they go to college and college gets super white. It hasn't happened. Oh, and yet I don't think. But I remember my first Thanksgiving home like America's a piece of shit, dad. Yeah. You know, you take your first college history course where you learn all the fucking nasty shit in Constitution. And just like, you know, listen, there's no winners if there aren't losers.

And in college, you start to learn about the losers. Yeah, there's one book. We had a teacher at our school called Howard Zinn. And he has a book called History of the Americas, which is compulsory reading if you listen to Sunday papers. If you haven't read it, pick it up now. And it's literally the history of America as told through the oppressed, through the losers. And it's all super factual. And it's a Bible for looking at the country in a different way. I remember it was referenced in Good Will Hunting. Like when Matt Damon was in his office, he's like, oh, Howard Zinn. Like, you know, when we were learning how knowledgeable his character was.

Yeah, it was up there. And then, you know, those guys were obsessed with Zinn. You know, he died in Santa Monica. Yeah. He was out here for a lecture. But he then, yeah, he was a badass. You know, one of his first things, the day after he got tenured at Boston University, which means he was untouchable, kind of, he organized the strike to keep the nursing school open. Oh, no shit. uh, BU felt, uh, with its unbelievably sort of a bottom line based and cutthroat president

silver, uh, didn't generate enough income. Guess what? The nurses weren't giving like millions of dollars, the alumni, because they didn't have it. So they were closing the nursing school probably for other reasons also,

to be fair. But anyway, they were closing it and he organized a giant protest. The Sergeant school of nursing. Oh, yeah. And he was this ultra liberal. And the president of the school was a guy named John Silber, who was so right wing that he was George Bush senior's point person on on basically overthrowing governments in Central America. He was he was behind Nicaragua and Chile, and he was there for all of that shit.

And he was, like, running the school. We couldn't have overnight guests after 11 o'clock, people of opposite sex, in our rooms, which I always thought was such a fucking weird rule because, all right, so if I'm gay, I can have a dude stay in my room and do things that are even further against your Christian values than if I had a young girl here who might have a few cocktails and do a couple things. Yeah, I don't think they were figuring the gay thing in.

No. Yeah. And then they also took out life insurance policies on all the students. This was Silber's idea. I like that one. They crunched the students. This was Silber's idea. I like that one. They crunched the numbers and they said, we said to the parents, we're going to take out a life insurance policy on your kid.

And we were like, parents were like, oh, that's great. And it was like, hold on, read on, read on.

We get paid if your kid dies. Yeah. Then all of a sudden the elevator inspections were getting older and older. The speed limits were raised on ComAv. Yeah. They took off. They took all the traffic lights off Commonwealth Avenue. It's probably why they told the gays hey fucking you go past 11 you guys go past 11 with your with your dangerous reckless sex behavior um i don't even remember

a lot of gay people at bu i mean i definitely was friends with a couple gay people but i don't remember there being like a lot of clubs that that shit happened I mean, I definitely was friends with a couple gay people, but I don't remember there being like a lot of clubs. That shit happened like after we left. We were there in the late 80s, man. Of course. And by the way, in Boston. Yeah. Boston can't handle gay now.

Right, right. And it was also during AIDS where it was like there really was, there was such a stigma with being gay back then. And it was, yeah. Oh my God. No. AIDS was terrifying still. I mean, you know, of course, it's still scary. But I mean, it was widespread fear of it. Do you know how many people I was reading about this because of the pandemic? Do you know how many people have died of AIDS in the world? Guess.

Twelve. I don't know. I told you, I watch Fox News now. Thirty million people have died of AIDS. Are you serious? And one and a half million people still die every year from AIDS. I thought we had kind of eradicated it, but it's still, I guess in Africa, it's probably still going strong. And the poor communities of even more developed countries, it happens, of course. You know, well, this is a real upbeat podcast. Why don't we. OK, how about this new segment? Yeah. I thought since we do the Sunday papers and we're newspaper based, you know, all the newspapers have these advice columns. And I thought maybe people actually this was this was a listener

gave us this idea. Yeah. A listener gave us this idea. Maybe you give advice. advice. And I think one listener, I don't have his name in front of us, but maybe that's good because maybe we didn't want him to read his name. He asked us for any, he wants to write a screenplay or write teleplays, and he wanted advice on some maybe books that are good in that field. So very quickly, there were a couple I have. Keep in mind, I've never written a screenplay, but I, and that's the thing. This is how you know you have a procrastination problem. When you own five books on screen writing and you don't have even a first act of a screenplay, but there's a very famous book called Save the Cat. And that basically will tell you a lot about

structure. A lot of it's about structure. The structure granddaddy of them all, which all books refer to, is actually Aristotle's Poetics. And everybody, I even watched the masterclass on writing. There's a bunch of masterclasses, but the Aaron Sorkin one, he spends a whole 15 minutes talking about Aristotle's Poetics, which is the three-act structure. And then you have to have a protagonist and an antagonist. And it's really the basics. But he's basically saying, if something's not working, almost always you violated something in Aristotle's poetics. What year do you think Aristotle wrote that? What year do you think Aristotle wrote that?

I don't know, 72? What do you mean? Was it 400? You want me to look it up? I'd be curious because I can remember studying Aristotle and Socrates, and it really was, it felt like it had just been written. It was so fucking relevant and so prescient about what's going on today. And, um, three 22 to three 84 is when he lived. Wow. Um, and then, uh, the one I found personally most useful is it's, it's one called screenwriting, the sequence approach. It's got

by a guy named Paul Joseph Jolino giolino and i think if i remember correctly the three-act structure and i won't raise waste the viewers times unless they want it but the three-act structure i think he then says there's basically three scenes in each of the acts maybe six anyway it what i like about it is it makes it more bite-sized instead of, fuck, here's a blank page and I want to get to Citizen Kane. It's kind of like, here's a blank page. Why don't you get a page and a half in and maybe you'll have a page and a half scene or a four-page scene and just think about it that way. So it's kind of like that. Well, also, Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey, I think is kind of a Bible structure.

And there's an amazing podcast, if we can be this generous, and it's called Script Notes. And this is all those guys talk about is how to write, how to be a writer, resources for writers, structure, common mistakes you make. They read the first three pages of the screenplays, and those guys are great. Okay, but that was a real letter from someone. But I decided until we have letters, why not go to an advice column? I went to the Chicago Tribune and they have a Dear Amy column. Dear Amy? Yeah.

Okay. We grew up with Dear Abby. Of course. So did our parents. So here's a- And also, what was her, Heloise, wasn't that her sister wrote another one on etiquette? I don't know, man. Those chicks made a ton of money.

That was her sister. It was like, ask Heloise. I think you're right. Yeah. So here's Dear Amy. Dear Amy, I have been friends with Susan, which is in quotes. They protected Susan. I have been friends with Susan for about five years.

Every time I have a conversation with Susan, she starts to give me unsolicited advice. Oh, boy. What bothers me most is when she gives me advice in areas where I have more experience or expertise. I have medical training. If I have a conversation with Susan about a medical issue that is bothering me, she gives me advice about something she knows absolutely nothing about. I have tried to say that I appreciate her advice, but that I am not seeking it. I am merely trying to have a conversation. She will apologize. Then a few minutes later, she starts with the advice again. I am sick of it. I have already started to distance myself from her and I'm considering ending the friendship. Do you have any advice? Yeah. Ask fucking Susan. Like, this is the one time you want advice and you leave Susan out of it?

You fucking maniac. What a lunatic. Seriously. Yeah, yeah. Rubbing it in her face. I do it like a third person. Just go, I've got this friend. I'm not going to tell you who it is.

Yeah. Susan, I hate your advice so much. I want you to see me write a public letter asking for advice on how to get you telling me less advice. By the way, what does the person do with this letter at the Tribune? Okay, listen, I'm actually a little scared. Like, is this a trick question? Like, you're literally asking me for advice. You use the word advice even. Yeah, then Amy finds out that this woman is actually her best friend writing to her. Yeah.

By the way, Susan means Amy. All you do is give me advice. You have any more? How can I tell you to stop giving advice to everybody? That's all you fucking do. My mother, I call my mother the human suggestion box. She fucking gives me advice on stocks. Yeah.

She's always telling me to pull out of the market like you. Like her stock advice is almost as bad as yours. Greg, you may want to sell the all the trucks are full of dead bodies everywhere you look. It's Irish advice. Yeah. No, the cold trucks the cold trucks are filled with dead bodies oh mom don't worry they were cold before the cold bodies one of them you know that right they just don't cool down a truck in florida

now that's what i'm gonna read you uh i'll show you that the advice the unwanted advice runs in the family this is my book if you want to purchase it it's on amazon dear mrs fitzsimmons and one of the blurbs on the back i have blurbs from people one is from uh sarah silverman adam carolla andy richter jimmy kimmel and this is the one from zach greg fitzsimmons was the first comic From Sarah Silverman, Adam Carolla, Andy Richter, Jimmy Kimmel. And this is the one from Zach. Greg Fitzsimmons was the first comic to ever give me unwanted advice. I thought he was a jerk. I was wrong.

Not only is he a great guy, he is also one of the best storytellers I have ever heard. I look forward to someone reading this book to me. That's honest. I don't even remember the advice I gave him, but I mean, I think I had a very cocky stage when Zach and I first met. It was probably around 96, 97. Yeah. I had a bunch of good things that just happened, development deals and all that stuff. And I think I went through a period of being a little bit of a douchebag. And I give, every time somebody has their first wave of success,

I always cut them slack if they're acting like an asshole. It just kind of happens. Wait, cut them slack? Oh, I see, since then. Yeah, I give them a pass on the first wave of being a douchebag. I understand because it's based on your behavior. I thought you were saying that's when you jump in and give them advice. As soon as they smell a little success.

Like Zach, a couple of things. First of all, of all of course lose the beard you also should lose weight and um a little too quirky i would go more mainstream with some of these jokes yeah and you need you need transitions yeah and by the way the way you pronounce retard i don't think you're ever going to do anything with that i would lose lose that. You know that kind of charming southern twang you have? Go to a voice coach. Yeah. Drop that. Yeah, totally. Actually, I told him I made fun of him for using a piano on stage.

Remember that? Yeah. Well, he likes it. I mean, he loves getting shit on too. Yeah. Of course. All right. What do we got?

Is there a new, are you going to crinkle the paper because we're going to do a new section? Yeah, let's do let's do international. Oh boy. International news. Germany is, well, who knew Germany would be the first country to try to get everybody on the grid? They are now going to test every single citizen of Germany and keep records on them,

which if you're one of the Jews that kind of hung out after World War II, I think the last thing you're looking for is to fill out a questionnaire and give it to the German government. So should I check the boxes gay and gypsy? I also have to. I'm a half Jewish gay gypsy. And those boxes are still on. I have a limp.

Should I fill out the limp box? I'm also half black, so half black, half Jew, gay, gypsy with a limp. Okay. I don't have the virus. Does that count for anything? No, it doesn't count. Turns out the questionnaire, they forget to ask have the virus. Does that count for anything? No, it doesn't count. Turns out the questionnaire, they forget to ask about the virus. They only ask about all the other things.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. All right. Also, also in international news. Boat refugees. A bunch of people from Bangladesh,adesh 400 of them got on a fishing vessel and uh i guess they were already gonna say it sounds like a lot of people they were looking to be uh immigrants but it turns out they were just emigrants you know there's a different an immigrant is somebody who leaves their country i know it well an immigrant is somebody who leaves their country i know it well an immigrant is somebody who gets into another country they got caught in between those two

words they got to malaysia they got pushed back and they end up spending two fucking months on the open seas in winter and uh they finally came ashore. Sounds worse than a Carnival Cruise, pre-virus. Yeah, and Andy Kindler was the comic the entire time. Same show every night. Three shows a day. 32 people died, which is actually pretty astounding. Out of 400, then only 32 died, mostly of malnutrition. But then a couple of them threw themselves overboard after Andy's late show on Friday.

But I mean, can you imagine like we're all complaining about having to stay inside and binge watch Netflix? Netflix and and these fucking people. Like, isn't it weird that in the human experience that some people can be born into a time and a place where they're in that position? And then we're born into a place where you're sitting in a closet filled with suits. OK, come on. This is a shitty shirt right here. Look at that. Yeah, no, it's I told you, I think, like a couple of weeks ago on this podcast like how i was walking on rose we still weren't on lot we were just about to do lockdown but anyway i was

walking on the street and uh and i was talking to someone about like oh i know imagine if this goes on for how crazy we're gonna get in our in our apartments and our homes as I'm walking by homeless people. And it's like, like a total blind spot. And then these hotels, they light up, they light up hearts and all this, uh, you know, with their windows of the empty rooms and like the homeless are looking up at those. Yeah. Um, yeah, I don't know. It's, it's, yeah. You have to watch what you complain about. Listen, everything's relative, and nothing's perfect. If you're homeless, you would have a different set of, I can't even, yeah, I can't even talk about it.

So it's not that bad. I mean, look what we're being asked to do. There's so many funny memes about, in World War II, this is what you were asked to do. During this worldwide crisis, this is what you're asked to do. Really? And you're complaining? Yeah, I know. This is a pretty, it's an easy one and it's important to, like last Sunday, I hope people read the New York Times, the op-ed section had a piece about what it's like for the people that are working in emergency rooms. Did you read that? Yes. I mean, it's just incredible.

And I think it's important that people really look at what's going on outside of your house because there's a tremendous amount of death and suffering. And get involved. You know, donate some money to, there's a lot of charities that are delivering food. I would say if you live in LA, personally, I work with the People Concern,

which I know you've done some work. We've made some meals together there. And they're giving meals to people that can't get out. They're poor, they're homeless. So donate. And there's a lot of GoFundMe. You know, Santa Monica High School, I don't know if you read the email yet, it came in last night. But they identified some families that are really in trouble financially because of this. And there's a GoFundMe page and it already gone through the very modest goal that they said. I think it was like, God, was it even like a thousand or 15? Like, and this is for multiple families. So anyway, there's lots of very good community.

Very, you know, you can act local if you want also. You don't have to solve the world. You can just kind of help people around you. Right. There's another. This is a great story. This guy in England, his name is Captain Tom, and he's a 99-year-old veteran. He set up a goal to raise money for Britain's widely cherished but chronically underfunded national health service set up a fundraising page and decided to walk the 82

foot length of his garden back and forth a hundred times using his walker for support and i mean i watched the video it's fucking slow and uh as of friday morning he's raised, ready for this, $23 million. Wow. He started off, he was a soldier in India during World War II, which means, what, were the British still occupying India during World War II? I believe so. Had they finished colonizing India? No, I know, right?

So I don't know what his background was. He may, in fact, have been being carried around on one of those beds with a bunch of skinny Indians holding him up, sweating in the hot sun while he ate grapes. Not sure his war experience exactly. He might have been drinking hot tea as people begged for crumbs outside his tent. Veteran. And now he's not getting that service that respect at home he's like i gotta walk 82 feet in the old days let me tell you something yeah uh but it is funny though that i think people are giving money because

he's so fucking old and he's in so much pain walking. And it's almost like there's something about people being in pain that makes people want to give money to them. Like you think of telethons. It's always like a dance-a-thon. Like I'll dance for two and a half days if you give money for kids with cancer. How about you just give money to kids for cancer?

Right. Why do I have to suffer? cancer? Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to climb the Empire State Building and you give me a penny a step? How about NPR's fundraisers? I think they purposely choose at least out here, but I think it's national, the woman with the most annoying voice where you're like,

what do you want? Honestly, I'll give you anything you want if you take her off the air. Please just get back to depressing news and completely inaccessible music. Yeah. Please do that. Yeah. It's always it's always some woman who has dry mouth and says, you know, it's what's the phrase they always say? Sort of everything is, you know, and it was a sort of a revolution because the people were sort of a uh it's it's so fucking lazy i'm sort of a broadcaster yeah yeah um all right should we do some business let's do business you said you had business i have i think you had

a story right not much i mean i trump one of the big things with his giant push to open everything is he wants to open movie theaters soon. And everyone's like, how is that going to happen? First of all, I mean, God, how is anything going to happen? Restaurants, we're barely making it by with every table full. Now they're going to come back with them half full. And then the same thing with movie theaters. The other thing about movie theaters is like, all right, so it's an ordeal, but maybe you and I will be like, you know what?

Let's support it. Let's get our masks on. Let's get our gloves. Let's go sit. We can't sit next to each other, but let's go. We'll go to the movie. Think about how high that raises the bar for that movie. This movie better fucking blow me away because I will

be rip shit if it doesn't. You know how much I went through to come out here to support your film? Right. So I think that's a little unfair. And I guarantee that if they go every other seat, Trump's going to say, and you know, there'll be a no homo seat

in between each person. a no homo seat in between each person a no homo seat you never heard that no it's like when you when you don't sit next to somebody you say when you go with your buddies yeah no right it's kind of like the two urinals next to each other like no not when there's one away. Yeah, right. I told you what Jackie Flynn did to me one time. I'm at the urinal at the improv, and Jackie comes up, and he goes to the urinal next to me, even though there's like four other urinals. And it's got that partition wall up. Right.

And he knocks on the wall, and he goes, don't you hate these things? That's so great. That's perfect. I have some great advice for people. If you are, I don't know what our demographic is. I don't know how poor or wealthy our listeners are, but if you're struggling, here's some things you can do. Mortgages.

Contact your loan servicer and talk about payment options. Part of the CARES Act includes two protections for homeowners with federally backed mortgages. You can do a delay or a reduction in payments for up to a year. And there's a moratorium on foreclosure until May. So do that. Yeah, that is weird. That's not much of a moratorium. Rent, if you can't pay your rent, let your landlord know before you stop paying.

There is some federal protections in place, but there is 120-day moratorium on evictions and late fees for property secured by government-backed mortgages. If you have a student loan, you might not have to make payments through September 30th. Government suspending payments and waiving interest on federal loans for six months. Credit card companies, you can contact them. They've got offers for cardholders to get short-term relief like reduced interest rates, higher credit card limits. Yeah, they like those. I hope so.

They still all owe us money. They haven't paid back 2008. Right. Fuckers. And now also, again, they just got, oh, it's disgusting. But, boy, I'm telling you, man, I hear May. I hear June. I hear July.

I hear you're a waitress. You're in school. You're doing something. You have roommates. The other side of this, what do we think the average is for so many people? You know, a lot of them say they're living, you know, month to month or paycheck to paycheck. So paycheck to paycheck could even be week to week, but it's like, okay, let's even say you have two months saved. That's gone. Yeah. Like honestly, what's in two months? I mean, there just has to be, people are just going to leave there and they're not even going to wait to be kicked out by their landlord. They're going to be like, I have to move back home. Right. And hopefully home is a refuge. Hopefully, you know, mom and dad aren't struggling with, you know, mortgage payments.

This is so, so crazy. And I know it's on a lot of people's minds, but you don't hear about it at the national level. They'll just talk about, oh, yeah, forgiveness till May or forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. And it's like, but you're going to have to pay it back. I don't know. I don't know how that happens. and it's like, but you're going to have to pay it back. I don't know.

I don't know how that happens. Yeah, you're right because it's not like the money is going to come flying back in whenever the moratorium ends. It's going to be, I mean, I just think about comedy clubs. Like they're going to be, you know, like every other business. They operate on a 5% profit margin. So if the club is half empty, the numbers just don't make sense. No, not at all. And I'm certainly not going to charge less. You give me my fucking money. I'm still giving you full laughs.

Couple other things you can do. Car insurance companies are offering money back. Has yours contacted you yet? What? Has yours contacted you yet? No, did they contact you? No, no, not me yet. I want to call because a friend did get contacted proactively. Really? Yep. Yeah, basically a lot of people are not driving their cars because of what's going on. And so not only can you get refunds on that, they have other refunds. So get in touch. Geico has a really good one apparently.

But whoever you have it's a lot of this stuff is uh backed by the government oil phone oil at night oh hold on but oil at 19 dollars a barrel it's an 18 year low and they don't think it's ever going to fully come back just also because it was declining anyway with you know like electric cars and more of a shale oil and also better yeah shell and also a better, you know, better, more economical cars with better mileage and all that. Anyway, the car lease, I mean, there's so many things we can't even think about how the economy is going to hurt. For instance, you're any auto company that has a lease program. Do you know

how much it's built in to your business model? How much money you make guaranteed percentage every year on people that go over their miles on leases? That's gone. That is totally gone. That revenue stream, which was gigantic, is gone. The accidents are gone for all of these shops. I mean, there's no fenders anymore. So everyone has to pay $5,000 every time their piece of plastic is dented on their car. That's all gone. Brakes are not being replaced.

I mean, it's like, it's so many things are not going to come back on the other end of this. Right, right. Anyway. The other thing you can do is your phone.

You can keep your phone in broadband service even if you're unable to pay for 60 days. And taxes finally will be moved from April 15th to July 15th so you don't have to file for a little while.

All right. All right. Let's do some sports. Sports, man. We will, we will rock you. Okay. man okay there's no sports that's how i'm going to begin it every week saying that but all everyone's going to get their fixed espn recognized the problem and they moved up and accelerated their release of this long-aw documentary on Michael Jordan and the Bulls. And it's called The Last Dance. The Last Dance refers to their drive to the 1998 Bulls championship.

Their sixth, their second of three of two three-peats. It's a 10-part series and they're going to air two a week. And the first two are today. And it's going to cover Phil Jackson and Scotty Pippen, Rodman, and all the trials. They say they don't shy away from the tough stuff. It's just not like a love affair with the subject. And they're going to go into Michael, you know, Michael Jordan's dad dying and all the rumors because people wanted that documentary forever. All the rumors that his dad

was killed because of Michael Jordan's gambling debts, because it was the most random killing ever. He took a nap. I think he was taking a nap in his car on the side of the road, maybe on the Jersey Turnpike or the Garden State, somewhere there in between the Mid-Atlantic and the Northeast, and two dudes robbed him, robbed the car, and killed him and left him there, like put him in the swamp or something. I remember looking into it when I'm like, how is it unrelated to his gambling debts? It is such a hit. Like,

that's crazy. That doesn't happen a lot. I remember when it happened and Jordan was being interviewed about it and they asked him, do you think that they'll catch the killers? And he said, I bet they do. The joke is he bet a lot. Oh, that's funny. Got it. Because I was looking into it. Because one thing on my mind is, okay, if it's not, or even if it is, but let's say it's not. There's nothing dirty here. There's nothing suspish. How are those two guys still alive? How has Jordan not had them killed, even in prison? All Michael Jordan has to do is be like, I wish those two were dead. If he even

whispered that, or why do they, it's so sad in this world, they get to live and my dad doesn't. Do you know how many prisoners with life sentences would take them out for Michael Jordan? Well, unless it was the mafia. I mean, do you put a hit out on somebody in the mafia? Well, that's what I mean. I think that's

almost, I mean, I don't know, that's why I like to look into it. It almost makes more sense if they were killed in prison if their hands were absolutely clean of any mafia tasks. Right. Anyway, none of this is fact. It's like Tom O'Neill. All of this is speculation. Okay.

This is not sports related, but the word Vikings is in it. So I put it in sports. Okay. Headline this week that there was a melting glacier in Norway, and it reveals when the snow and the ice is disappearing and receding, it's revealed these Viking artifacts from this passageway that they used to use around 350 A.D. The Vikings were around. Around the time of Aristotle.

Right around the time of Aristotle, between 300 and 1,000 A.D. The Vikings were around. Around the time of Aristotle. Right around the time of Aristotle, between 300 and 1000 A.D. And they found hundreds of items. And one was this container made of birch bark. And in it were textile rags, a Viking mitten. There were shoes. And they also found a rape kit. Now, it's not as it sounds. It's not a kit to help women who have been raped. It's to help men rape women.

Because it's hard. Like the journey over that pass, it was a long way to go for an okay, funny rape joke, which is not a joke about rape, fuckers. It's a joke. What was in the kit? Did it say? Was it like a- In the rape kit? Yeah.

Well, there was a manual on how to hold them down. Why do you want me to dig a deeper hole? Why would I put you in? Why would you do that? I love that in the things they found, there was only one mid. Of course, they lost the other mid. Even then. Even then. They're like, I hope one day there's a little snap to attach these to my jacket sleeve.

Hey, did I tell you that story about my sort of infamous, you have an infamous brother also. So my stepbrother, Jeff Nichols is hysterical and has a book out. So I'm not, I'm not outing him. He's public. It was originally called train wreck. Oh, it airs on HBO still. And it's called my life is an idiot. I think anyway, anyway, grew up severely a learning disabled and just unorganized and a mess. So his mom, one Chris, one winter, one fall goes to him, you know, you lose your gloves like within a day. So his mom, one winter, one fall, goes to him. You lose your gloves within a day. And he goes, so I bought you these clips and all this. But Jeff, this winter, and you lose them even with the clips because he loses his jacket also. We're going to give you some incentive.

When spring comes, if you still have these very expensive mittens I bought you, I will give you $50. Keep in mind how long ago this was. This was a lot of money, and she promised him $50. And he's like, deal. So anyway, he goes the whole winter. Spring comes, and he goes to his mom. I have your $50. And he reaches under the couch and puts his hand up, up into the couch and pulls the mitten down, mints down, which

had not been worn all winter and collected his 50 true story. Absolutely true story. That's fantastic. And maybe we have some new listeners, uh, because I've told this on the podcast before, but to show you how consistent it is through his whole life. When he was in like sixth grade or something, seventh grade, they realized and diagnosed him as having ADD. And they brought him in and it was a new thing. He was in one of the finest schools in New York City. So they gave him all this attention and they brought him in. They brought Jeff in. Jeff thought he was in trouble and he's sitting in class and the principal of the school is there with his mom, three of them

in the room and goes, Jeff, we have some news for you. These standardized tests that you're going to start taking now because the school only goes up to eighth grade and you're going to place in other schools. These standardized tests. He's like, I know, I know I'm studying for the PSAT now. And he was doing horribly on them. And they're like, well, we have really good news. You can take those tests untimed. And Jeff's kind of a grin comes to his face and he looks at his mom and the, you know, the principal nods. Yeah. Like this is true. You can take them untimed. And just like, really? He's like, so you're saying I can leave early. And that's what he was happy about. He didn't have to stay the full time.

Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Now, I remember him describing once, he said, I'm not really sure if I'm ever going to be able to hold down a full-time job unless there's a job. Is there a job where there's a field with a stack of balls in it and you got to carry one ball at a time over

and make another stack. Yeah, he's like, there's red balls over there, and there's blue balls. Jeff, we want you to take all the red balls and put them in the blue field and take the blue balls. He's like, I can do that. He was just looking for the easiest thing to focus on. All right.

Sadly, it's time for the obituaries. Oh, boy. I don't know if we have a sting for obituaries. Maybe we need to come up with one. Oh, by the way, we had a very nice gentleman. I'm forgetting his name, but I plugged him in the past a couple times, who does our logo. He did a nice Sunday Papers logo. But we're thinking that having the same one every week

might feel a little static. So we're putting it out to you guys. We know you have time on your hands. We're looking for fan art. If you guys want to come up with Sunday Papers logos, pictures, send them in to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com. We didn't discuss this at the meeting. This is news to me. Or just go to FitzDawg.com. We didn't discuss this at the meeting. This is news to me.

Or just go to Fitz dog.com. And there's a, there's a website in my website. There's a link to email me. What do you think, Mike? Good idea. Sure.

I love the idea. That's why we, I like not having meetings. We don't, this is our only meeting all week. And we meet for five minutes before we start recording. That's about it. Most of it's trying to hear each other.

Uh, should they, instead of telling them, yeah, I guess you'll get the emails most of it's trying to hear each other. Should they, instead of telling them, yeah, I guess you'll get the emails, but it's also fun seeing them request things and send things on social media. Oh, that's true. Why don't you email

it to me so I have a high quality JPEG of it, but then also put it on Instagram. And then that way every week we'll have a different one to put up. Yipper. What's the obituary? Obituary this week is very sad. Sam Clayton Jr.

He was a member of the Jamaican bobsled team that competed in the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary and inspired the 93 movie cool runnings do you remember that the a the the bobsled you had all these people you had people that from the a figure skater from the age of fucking four went to a freezing cold rink at five in the morning trained didn't go to her prom because she was away at some competition she She had an eating disorder. And she finally gets into the Olympics. And this is her big event. And 90% of the news coverage is about a bunch of stoners from Jamaica that are laughing as they go down on a bobsled.

Bunch of fast guys on the beach. You look fast. Hey, want to go to the Olympics? Running? No. No, no, no. Well, for a little bit. But then you're just going to sit.

No, the, no, no. Well, for a little bit, but then you're just going to sit. No, the winter Olympics, there's black people at the winter Olympics. You'll be the first. It'll be fun. Oh, I remember it was like Eddie, the, what was the guy, Eddie, the Eagle for England. Like it's great when, when there's like someone who doesn't belong in the Olympics because they're kind of representing you. And then. And then you actually have such more of an appreciation for the high caliber of athletic, you know, athletes that are there when you see them going against Eddie the Eagle or the Jamaican bobsled team. Although the Jamaican bobsled team wasn't as bad as they sounded, right? Yeah.

It's called gravity. How fucking, how different is it than the other guys? No, you know what it really is? What you learn? It's funding. It's about the sled. A lot of it's about the sled and the training. Uh-huh.

You think, I mean, you know, where do you train? Like actual, like obviously you can run and condition. The training of like the turns, you need a little bit of do-re-mi for that. I always thought like in terms of playing in the big leagues, I always thought that it would be really fun to one play in the NFL during a real NFL game if I got to put on a uniform, shoulder pads, helmet, go in the backfield, and just get a handoff and run through the line and just see what happens.

Nope. No way. You wouldn't do it? Have you ever been on the baseball field when baseball players are there? Yeah. They're like a different – this is baseball. Listen, I'm 6'1", 200 pounds. These guys, it's like they're a different species.

Yeah. Just their arms, just every single – even if they're shorter than me, and very few of them are, everything is bigger. It's crazy. And that's baseball. Yeah. I've been on a football field and it is that you don't really appreciate how much everybody is getting hurt all the time on the field.

Well, that's another thing I got to give, you know, to whoever, those champions like this Michael Jordan, that he, and same with Kobe, they played with so much pain because if they listened to their bodies, they would have missed so many more games. Yeah. They just plowed through it. Like Jordan's not going to be walking on his own in his, in his seventies. I mean, maybe, maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, he'll have to have new replacements. They just, you know, they just play with such pain and get hurt, as you said, all the time. Well, I mean, listen, I'm doing three podcasts a week. There's days where I haven't had enough coffee. I start to get a little ache back here.

I fucking push through. I do it. And think about all the people you hurt. That's right. That's the other side of it. All right. It's time, Mike. You know what it's time for.

Oh, yeah. It's the Sunday comics. Okay. So what do you want to start with, family? What is it, circus? Now, let's start with, since you brought up the Vikings, let's do Hager the Horrible first. Let's hear them.

I love them. Okay. Now, Hager, as we've pointed out in the past, the Vikings were known for a couple things, marauding, pillaging. Now, the question we always have is, what is the definition of pillaging? There was also another word I came across, plundering. Oh, yeah, plundering. Plundering is another Viking, a word that you don't see too far away from the word Viking.

Now, and there's never been, and I think there's a kind of, never been an outright raping and pillaging, said that in Hager the Horrible. But that's basically what Hager's character is. So here it is. There is Helda, who's his wife. And then they've got this daughter who's pretty fucking small. She's got small tits, but she's got a nice ass. And she's talking to the mother. and Hager's in the background, and the daughter says, when did you realize you were going to marry daddy?

And Hilda says, when he invaded my village and drove away every eligible man. That's an indirect rape. Did he also remove her from the village? And drove away is a very polite way of saying buried them in the sea. Murdered. You know, he murdered all my cousins and my brother. And then,

uh, we, we got married. So much more honest than family circus or any other bullshit and then the final frame is is hagger hugging her and saying is that romantic or what so all right so i want to look up more about vikings like there's so there's the minnesota vikings right so is there ever a positive connotation like all right so they're from Norway, right? But Vikings aren't their nationality.

Is Vikings a word that can accurately be, was it just used to describe marauders? You know what I mean? Like, in other words, there wouldn't be a team called the SS. In Germany, the SS in Germany. The SS were the baddest asses. They were fucking crazy. They were they were they were Hitler's hit men and henchmen.

And so this is the Baltimore SS with the fucking logos. Like, are the Vikings just the negative? Like, in other words. Yeah. And is this woke culture ever going to catch up to that? Yeah. No, I do a joke about it in my act. It's like, well, I'm not going to do it,

but I've got a whole bit that somebody stole, who's a famous comedian now, and I just found out he stole from two other people on his new special that came out. Oh, boy. Not going to say who it is, but why bring it up? Yeah, there you go. All right, it was Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, boy. Yeah, there you go. Well, all right. It was Ellen DeGeneres.

Oh, boy. No, it wasn't. It wasn't Ellen. All right. Let's get to, oh, by the way, the Vikings. We have a friend, Paul Webster, Gene Webster's husband. Of course, yeah. From BU.

And he started a moving company, and he called it Viking Movers. And the logo on the side of the truck is, moving people since the 11th Century. It's a lot more than moving. And the only difference is he doesn't take their stuff. It was right in the name. Didn't you read the large print? We're Viking Movers.

I load up all your shit and you watch me drive away. Right. And by the way, why don't you go get a cup of coffee? Where's your wife? You got a little family circus for us? Okay. So full disclosure, we did not look up these before the podcast today. So five minutes before we began, I ran and I got the, normally you find it.

And then you hit me with this amazing piece of artwork, um, and, and incredible writing. And then today I went and I got the Saturday LA times and I grabbed one and I thought, all right, well, what are the odds? It's going to be something that can piss me off that efficiently. Well, it did. So it's one frame of course, as always. So I don't know if you can see it. It's the little guy he's bent over and he's looking on the sidewalk and there's a worm on the sidewalk and it's just a little kid and a little kid's mouth is open. And he says, this worm looks lost with an exclamation point. And it's like, okay, so even if you're a kid who can't even read, okay, and you're an adult reading this to your child,

isn't even your stupid child, your uneducated stupid child going to be like, what does that mean? Like, what is that trying to say? Yeah. And then he's also yelling it. Why is he yelling? This worm looks lost. That's not even like, like, how about like, oh, I think someone dropped this where I mean, anything, anything but this, honestly. Yeah. Yeah. And it's also that's Jeff Keen's poor writing. When you have to put an exclamation point on a punchline, it means you don't believe in it. You're forcing it.

Oh, my God. How did that go out? Like, yep, that's good. Yeah. I wonder if he doesn't walk around the neighborhood and just whatever, the first kid he sees, whatever they're doing, he draws it, then he takes 15, 20 minutes, writes a punchline,

and then he's off to the squash courts. Jeff Keen has a very full life. He's a member of the Knights of Columbus. He belongs to two country clubs. He's got a poker night. That guy has time on his hands. There's kids at an ice cream truck. There's my drawing.

He walks nearby. Maybe he overhears something like, is it cold in there? Gold. Oh, my God, gold. He just like, is it cold in there? Gold. Oh, my God. Gold. He just asked if it's cold in the truck. What if the caption is, cold trucks are carrying dead people? Well, now I'm on board.

Now I'm on board. I got to send these to my mom and have her caption them. Yeah. All right. You beg for it. You ask for it. We give it to you week after week. It's Blondie.

Mike, do I have a good Blondie for you? Oh, I can't wait. They're down in the basement, and Dagwood has goggles on and an apron, and he's at the woodworking bench, and he's working on a little project. Blondie's standing behind him. She's got on a pair of tight white capri pants

with some black pedal pusher shoes and hair is teased up to a fucking, it's going in eight different directions and yet it always works. She's got on black fucking lipstick to match the black blouse, which is, it is hugging her tits the way I would. If I could get, it's like the sweater is my hands, the way they're formed around her big bulbous 34D cups.

And she says, and he says, I'm making a lamp, honey. And she says, the last one you made didn't work. And then he says, yes, but now I have help. And you look down to the bottom left corner and it's Jeff from Family Circus with a toolbox in his hand. That's not true. I swear to Christ.

So there's a cross-pollination. I wish, why wasn't it Hager about to rape her? Why wasn't it me? But it all said it was like it's Hager holding a lamp like what the fuck is this? What is this? What does this thing do?

I know what that thing does pointing her vagina. He beats Dagwood to death with the lamp. Right. And then rapes rapes Blondie and the kid from Fanny's Flaming Circus. Oh my God a light. Now we can rape at night? All right, listen, Mike, it's been fun.

Stay safe. Stay safe, everybody, and don't forget to call your mother. I'm going to say this, David. God forbid your mother's not still with us. If she is, there is no mother in the country that doesn't want another phone call from their kid right now. So reach out.

My mom, she just lost her best friend yesterday. Really? Not to the virus. She had a heart condition, but she lived in her building and she was the sweetest, sweetest woman. Every time we visited, she'd make cookies. She was funny as shit, great sense of humor.

And we're going to, Noreen Collins, God bless you. Thanks for making my mom's life a better thing. And otherwise, thank you guys for listening and supporting the show. It comes to you and will come to you free, without ads, until this corona thing subsides. We just want to give you guys for listening and supporting the show. It comes to you and will come to you free without ads until this Corona thing subsides. We just want to give you guys some content and then we'll figure it out from there. But help us grow the podcast in the meantime. Go now to iTunes. Give it a ranking.

Give it a comment. Tell a friend and keep listening. Okey doke. Till next week. There's another one for the birdcage. I'm going to work on that one. Let's work on that. Talk to you next week.

At least make a sound effect. Talk to you next week. Okay. Take it easy.