Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg & Mike Ep: 8 4/26/20

Episode Date: April 26, 2020

Greg and Mike Gibbons read you the Sunday Paper. Don’t miss all the news you missed this week. And it's funny this time.   

You can read it in the Sunday Papers. Read it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Sunday Papers. Greg Fitzsimmons here with my old friend. I'm supposed to say my name? I mean, we're trying to get some chemistry going on this podcast. You got it.

M-I-K-E to the G. What? Mike Evans? I can't stop watching TikTok. I don't know if I've brought this up on the show before. My family is mocking me. I'm a 54-year-old guy. All I watch are rednecks trying to race pickup trucks over marshes with water in them.

Kids on minibikes crashing into fences. Two hours a day. I'm not making that up. I can't stop watching TikTok. You could be taking master classes. You could be doing tutorials, learning things. Everyone's bragging about watching The Sopranos for the first time or The Wire, and you are on TikTok.

What have you done positive in your life that you didn't do before? Um, there's, there's oddly a more of a focus on exercise. And I read some article that jogging is on a huge uptick because people are obviously going crazy and stuff. Oh yeah. I've never seen more fat people jogging in my life. Yeah. Except the New York city marathon that time. time. And they were all ahead of me. I watched them for 26.2 miles. I'm like, how are you carrying that cargo? Like my knees are aching and I am not overweight at this point because I've been training. Also, how have you trained for this and you're still that size?

Yeah, especially the people, instead of looking for water as they're running, they're looking for donuts. Where's the donut stop? You know, that is true, by the way. At about mile 20, you leave the top of Manhattan and you go into the Bronx, right? And you got six more miles to go. And that's basically where most people hit the infamous wall emotionally and physically. So anyway, at that stand, usually before that, it's oranges and apple slices and they're giving you kind of, or like cut up power bars. At that point, it's a table full of candy.

I'm not even joking because they're like, you're going to be able to outrun the sugar crash. You'll be done before the crash, you know, sets in. And there's also coffee, I believe, at that site. So that's where the, yeah, that's where everyone's lined up. Just in case you haven't shit your pants yet in the race. Exactly. No, there's lots of positive things I'm doing. We're viewing a lot of things. So you're doing TikTok. You want me to tell you what I viewed this week? What you viewed? Yeah. Like, is that what we were talking about? Like positive things? Yeah. What'd you watch this week? What can you recommend to people? All right. One big thing was I finally convinced my daughters

who didn't want to do it to watch Edward Scissorhands. Holds up. I love Edward Scissorhands. That soundtrack is unbelievable. Oh, by the way, after that, we watched a documentary called Score, which is really cool about film score. And, of course, it's like Hans Zimmer and all this, but the section clearly on John Williams

is unbelievable. He does all the Star Wars movies? It's not only Star Wars, it's E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, and you're humming along. Everyone you hear, you're humming along. It's incredible. But of course, the famous story where he called in Steven Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg's a young director directing his for one of his second movie, actually Jaws. And John Williams had two notes for him. And Spielberg thought he was joking. And he's like, no, no, no, I'm dead serious. But don't worry, it speeds up. You know, it's this legendary. And then you have Hans Zimmer and all these people talking about it. It was so cool. So Edward Scissorhands we watched. And of course there could have been a lot of questions to the first time someone's watching Edward Scissorhands. How does he masturbate? Why is he dressed so similar to Jack Sparrow? How does he masturbate? A great one. Why do Vincent Price's real hands look scarier than the scissorhands? one why do vincent price's real hands look scarier than the scissor hands uh where are all these crazy houses answer tampa of course which is true they filmed the all that that neighborhood and

scissor hands is in tampa but no the real question was what's that and i'm like what's what swear to god this is true it sounds like a bad joke The mom at one point dialed a neighbor or whatever, and the sound was, eh, eh, eh. I'm like, oh, that's a busy signal. Kids, no idea. No idea. They thought like there was an emergency because, you know, tension was raising during the movie a little bit.

And all of a sudden, they're on the phone. They hear, eh, eh. Yeah. It's what you should be hearing when you're asking me for dinner and I'm staring at my iPhone. That's the noise that should be going on. Totally.

I should be able to press a button that mutes everything. We watched, they'd never seen the Smokey and the Bandit. Oh, wow. Totally holds up. I mean, it's just classic acting. i don't know if that held up when it aired like when it was first in films i don't know if it was holding up no it actually the reviews weren't bad you know who loved it was roger ebert he thought it was uh he thought it was fun and it accomplished what it set out to do wow and uh and yeah and it did crazy. But first of all, it was originally a movie.

The guy that played the sidekick, Burt Reynolds' sidekick who drove the truck. Yeah. I think it's something Reeves. Isn't it? What's her name's dad? No, no, no. I know he was a famous country music singer. Oh, never mind.

No, no, no, no. Wait, didn't he stammer that one? Mel Telles? Oh, never mind. No, no, no, no. Wait, didn't he stammer that one? I don't know if he stammered, but he wrote the theme to Smokey and the Bandit the night before they needed it. And it became his biggest hit and one of the biggest hits of the year. I love stories like that. And so he was supposed to be the star of the movie. It was a $1 million budget. And then they convinced the guy that wrote the screenplay. No, the guy that was directing. I can't remember his name.

Was friends with Burt Reynolds. Convinced him to do it. So he took the leading role. The other guy got bumped down. And the studio said, we'll give you $5 million. And $1 million goes to Burt Reynolds. Right. So $5 million movie.

They cut the budget the week before by a million dollars because the script was so bad. And so they had to reconfigure the whole production schedule. And the script was so bad that Burt Reynolds and Jackie Gleason and Sally Field all said, I'll only do this if I can improvise my lines. Really?

That entire movie was improvised. First of all, do you see a documentary on this? How do you know all this? I just read the Wikipedia page. Wow. So they shoot it, and like Jackie Gleason goes, we need a scene inside of like a truck stop where I'm sitting next to Burt Reynolds.

And that's the one where he comes in and he goes, give me a Diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper, and hurry up, I'm chasing next to Burt Reynolds. And that's the one where he comes in and he goes, give me a Diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper and hurry up. I'm chasing an outlaw. Remember that scene? No. And Burt Reynolds is sitting right next to him. Okay. So he goes, he added that scene.

They shot it in like three hours. It was like the whole thing was just like that. And the movie ended up making like $130 million on a $4 million budget, which back then was like unheard of. Wow. Yeah, they always say taking a percentage. Jeez. And that car, the Pontiac Trans Am, the black one with the gold eagle on the hood of it.

Yeah. One of the most iconic cars in history. They were not paid by Pontiac for that. They were just given four cars. That's it. The following year, that car doubled its sales man yeah nice yeah everyone wants to be an outlaw well burr reynolds was gigantic like people don't understand he was the biggest star in the world and he was uh so he was fucking sally field during the movie that's on Wikipedia too? No, my wife told me that.

Oh, that's a source. She is a source. She knows a crazy amount about entertainment. I don't understand where she learns it from. I really wonder if she's fucking a publicist on the side or something. You'll read that on Wikipedia. We watched Moneyball, which was really good. Oh, yeah, Moneyball.

Not much to report there, but what's his name? Jonah Hill was, you know, really fat and excellent in it. Yeah, yeah. And then what else? Oh, the Beastie Boys doc. I watched that. Is it based on the autobiography that they wrote? It's kind of based on their book.

And what it is is, you know is the two of them are on stage. Spike Jones is directing. And they did it in the theater for a while. I had friends who saw it in New York. And they filmed that. And yeah, they walk you through the Beastie Boys. But one of the coolest things is, I don't know if you've met her, but a friend of mine out here is kate schellenbach

yeah i know kate really well so you know she's the original drummer of the beastie boys an original member she gets so much love in this documentary like they just i mean when you watch it you'll be like wow yeah they really i think they they actually did say they felt very guilty they kicked her you know out of the band because i think like um rick rubin and and simmons were just told them to and also their name was the beastie boys like anyway well yeah they were doing you know licensed to ill it was like you got to fight for your right to party and it was them with like hot chicks at keg parties and meanwhile here's this lesbian woman playing drums and they thought it didn't work but in the book they flat out wrote like a two-page apology to her in the book oh you see so that's what this was also and they kept talking you know and it was throughout too like

especially in the beginning but it was so cool for me because i didn't read the book but all of a sudden i'm watching it and you know all of a sudden you hear the clash come on and i'm like oh this and i thought maybe like siri started playing because i play the clash you know they're my favorite band and i like what's going on and then he talked about that was what was on his mind the clash was his favorite band and uh ad rock and just he wanted and just especially their experimental stuff sandinista where it's like it's opening almost like a creative person's you know uh journal and that's what like you know sandinista was like basically here's three weeks in new york city with the clash and that's on three albums i was gonna say three albums it's fucking crazy and the entire thing is good

it's not you know it's pretty rare to put out a double album that's good that's a triple album that's solid all the way experimentation and all that subdub but anyway it got me very nostalgic also for the New York of the 80s and the 90s and you know it's

it's just so many people would be like oh my god it was so amazing like the New York then and I'm like you know I got robbed a's just so many people were like, oh, my God, it was so amazing. Like the New York then. And I'm like, you know, I got robbed a lot. They're like, what? And people who weren't there were like, what do you mean robbed? I'm like, oh, yeah. Like, no, you prepared for you. Had you literally had your money. You're going to you're prepared to hand over. And the rest is like in your sock, under your foot, not around your ankle, because that's too easy. And they're like, what? They're like New York city. And I'm like, you have no idea. Like, it's so funny. No, when I got off the subway, I used to live on 25th and ninth, which was right at,

right in a housing project, right on the corner of a housing project that ran from the teens all the way up to like 56th street, right. Uh, between ninth and 10th and 10th Avenue. And I used to get off the subway at 23rd and, what was it, 23rd and 7th? I think it was 7th. 23rd and 8th. And I would get off and there was a deli right there and I would order a small black coffee and I would walk home carrying it

in case I needed to throw it at somebody. And then I would just dump it out when I got to my house. Can you heat this up, please? Sir, it's really old. It doesn't matter. I don't care what it tastes like. And a lot of salt. Put a lot of salt in it. And I would get back and there was a dumpster that was underneath my window. I was on the third floor and there was a dumpster that was underneath my window. I was on the third floor and there was a dumpster down there. And there was a deli that had bulletproof glass, like a revolving door kind of a thing where you hand the money in and then you turn it. Right.

And everybody, everybody would go there and get their cools and get a 40 and then take a piss next to the dumpster. So in the summer the smell of piss going into my window was fucking crazy not only that when i moved into the building i got the apartment cheap and i was like what the fuck why was this so cheap so mario canton you know that comedian of course he's great he's great so he lived in the building on the top floor and i go uh hey man i'm in your building on the top floor. And I go, hey, man, I'm in your building. He's like, what unit? I go, 3F.

He goes, you mean the Chelsea murder one? And I go, what are you talking about? That's perfect. Turns out there was this gay guy who was a coke head that was really into picking up black boys from the project. Yeah. And he'd bring them home and he'd give them Coke. Oh, that's nice.

And they'd rob them. And then he didn't mind because he liked them to come over and they'd be shirtless or wherever. And then one night they got all coked up and they fucking murdered them. And they put them in the bathtub and they ran the water and then they left. And I guess they cut his throat. left and I guess they cut his throat. So the apartment underneath started leeching red water down their walls. Oh yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Um, my apartment and I remember, and keep in mind, you know, I'd be robbed on the Upper East Side. My parents were on the Upper East Side, you know, super nice neighborhood and nice apartment. And like, so my stepbrother, Jeff Nichols, you know, he was a dog walker for a

while. He would be in Central Park with eight dogs around him on a bench. And a guy would come and sit down next to him and ask for his watch with eight dogs. And Jeff's like, you, you see these like guys that just give me your fucking watch. Don't make, don't make a scene. And Jeff's like, you see these guys, just give me your fucking watch. Don't make a scene. And Jeff would just give him his watch. He's like, give me your wallet. Give me. He's like, I don't have a wallet. I'm dog walking now.

All I got are keys. You cannot have the keys to these apartments. He's like, give me your watch then. It would be like a friendly negotiation. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, crazy. I'm also watching Billions. Yeah, I got I'm also watching Billions. Yeah, I got to do that, I guess.

It's a good show for entitled straight white men because it's really celebrating Wall Street douchebags. By the way, so is the stock market right now. We'll get to that later in business. But yeah, I agree. Yeah, and I just love the guy Damienien, uh, whatever. Yeah. He's really good. Fucking good. So good. And then, you know, what's his name's overacting is, is always a bit much. Uh, the guy from sideways, Paul Giamatti, Paul Giamatti, but I still enjoy it even though it's over the top. Right, right, right. I'm watching, uh, I think I told you I

started Fargo of the third season. I just finished Fargo season three, two, right. I'm watching. I think I told you I started Fargo of the third season. I just finished Fargo season three, two nights ago. So don't and we will not spoil anything now, or at least I won't. Something like the third episode, one of the characters, an old man when he was younger, was a sci fi writer. All of a sudden it's animated and I I'm just sitting there like, this is so special. And the animation was so cool. I wanted just to keep following that animation story. Do you remember that about the little robot?

Right, I can help. I can help. Yeah. And then the next episode begins like, and again, no spoilers here at all, begins like Peter and the Wolf. Like all of a sudden, in this episode, the flute is going to be the birds. The wolf is, you know, the cat. It was like such art.

Like I'm loving it. I'm not done, but I'm loving it. And I'm not going to give you my input until after the season, but it's very different than the other two seasons. And what's his name, you know, from Trainspotting? Ewan McGregor is excellent. Yeah, he's really good. He plays two characters, and they're very different.

It's not like watching— Did you see that show that's set in Times Square in the 70s. Deuce? About the porn industry. Yeah, Deuce on HBO. Franco, James Franco, plays two characters. No, he doesn't. He plays one.

Plays one twice. He is the Sklar brothers of split acting in a movie. Same guy twice. Lovely. Michael Jordan documentary. That's what I'm calling it. But the documentary on the Bulls, The Last Dance. Still haven't seen it.

You've told me this for three weeks straight. No, no, no. But only two have aired. And it's two a week. And two are going to be tonight as well. And it's very. Oh, they're stepping them out. I like that.

But it's very good. You know, listen, it's a 30 for 30. So it's in that franchise, which obviously is very high quality. And I'm liking it a lot. I didn't remember the Scottie Pippen stuff like, you know. Yeah, God, I didn't know a lot. I didn't know he was like one of the worst paid stars. The worst paid star. Yeah. And that he chose he elected to get his surgery so he would miss the first half of the season so it wouldn't ruin his summer because he was just done being sort of abused. And they wouldn't even revisit his contract or anything.

And he hated Rodman. They didn't get along at all. I'm not there yet. Okay, good. Okay. All right, well, listen. Mike, let's get to the news. Let's do it.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Front page news. What's the big story this week? Well, states are reopening. Georgia, as of I believe it's today, isn't it? I think it is. You're right.

I think they're laxing up the... So we've got a couple friends we we need to say goodbye to Pete Scott and Dudley. We'll call them later. And, uh, it's fucking insane that they're doing this. I mean,

every single health expert, every scientist is saying it's not time yet. And most governors are saying it's not time, but, but somehow Georgia has it in their head that they've got the right, and it's about their freedom to go free now. Well, there's, I don't know what I'm talking about, but the things I've read is there's at least two.

There's probably more. There's at least two angles here. One is it's a very shrewd move on the on the government's part under the banner of, you know, you can't tell us what to do and we have to exercise our rights and the cure might be worse than the curse and all that stuff. But really, what it does is if you're a masseuse, so they identified a bunch of industries that should go back, right? Like movie theaters, if you're a masseuse, if you're gyms, all gyms, all these occupations also. I don't know if it's restaurants. But you now, as of let's say it's today, can no longer file for unemployment insurance because you are choosing not to go to work.

No shit. You didn't know this. Wait a minute. So a masseuse. Oh no, no. It's a huge, basically what the government did is, hey gyms, hey masseuses, hey movie, whatever. If you work in a movie theater, I'm being so stupid right now. There's a million, there's like 10 other professions. It's a giant fuck you from the government. It's like, guess what? As of Monday morning, you're on your own. By the way, you don't have to go to work, but you're not collecting unemployment insurance. I just don't think it makes sense to tell some fat redneck in Georgia that when he goes in to get a happy ending, he can't see the sadness on the face of his masseuse

because she's wearing a mask. I think a lot of those are undocumented workers. I don't know. They'll be like, what's unemployment insurance? Right. You know, what is that thing I pay into that I don't receive any money from? Oh, unemployment insurance. And wait, we were supposed to stop working? What do you mean start back up?

Right. Oh, we're going to open the front door back up again. Oh, okay. I get it. Yeah. Oh, I're going to open the front door back up again. Oh, okay. I get it. Yeah. Oh, I'm not visiting vans? I don't understand this. So that's a big thing.

And then the other angle is, I guess, this, you know, well, really, there's at least three angles. The other one, then, is what you said, which is the good old sort of old school view of you're not going to tell us what to do fuck you the federal government you're not going to tell us what to do we can go out we can congregate we can work we need to work and all that um and then another angle is a very sad one which is people who really need to go back to work. Right. And that's legitimate. And the left should not take that away and paint it as a right issue. Cause that isn't like a, but it is a fuck y'all, but it's a fuck y'all.

I, the food bank line is six hours long and my, my family doesn't have food. Right. Right. And there, and the idea that they've got to do a risk reward for actually getting sick and possibly dying is like they've factored that in. And they've said, well, I got six people depending on me.

And there's a chance that if I do get it, I've only got a one in 10 chance, one in 20 chance of dying. I'll take that risk. Yeah, it's so bad. It's really sad. Yeah, right. Uh, meanwhile, meanwhile, we're talking about what shows we're downloading. No, I know. Or as I, as I walk past the homeless person on the way to like the market or the pharmacy or something that I told you that one a few weeks ago where even the homeless guy was like, go home. And it's like, I'm sitting there like, Oh my God, it's so great to be out. Meanwhile, I'm complaining about being inside with running water and electricity and five streaming services walking past homeless people.

Although I did it. We did a nice thing for the people concerned last week. Me and me and the kids went to the supermarket and we bought a ton of canned goods and soup and spaghetti and all that shit. And then I brought it to the People Concern, which is that group that you and I both work with. Yeah, of course. To give out food to homeless people. But I walked in, and I had a mask on, and the guy had a mask on,

and I dropped it all off, a fucking shopping cart full. And then he was like, thank you. And I was like, well, this is fucking bullshit. This guy can't see my face. He doesn't know that it's me that did this really nice thing. Of course. What's the fucking point? Where's the camera?

And then I thought, I've got a podcast. I'll drop it in as kind of a story on the podcast. Yeah. Get full credit. Simultaneously shaming me. I actually have felt bad. Our friend Billy Clark is very active. Yes. He said he goes out five days a week at least. So I'm in a position and no one's going to buy this as legitimate, but with 50, 50, and maybe

some listeners have this situation with 50, 50 custody, and we're continuing our usual pattern of when we have the kids, we've promised each other that we're in no way going to expose ourselves while we don't have the kids or while we have the kids because the kids are going, you know, ping ponging back and forth. So there are plenty of ways. Listen, I'm helping with GoFundMe and all that stuff. But I'd like I'd like to hands on help, especially these food banks. So I have to figure that out. It's no excuse. Smart and final. They got everything on the shelves. Oh, no, smart and final is great. No, no. But I'm talking about going down and I'd love to be at a bank and actively volunteering and all that stuff. Oh, well. Regarding headlines, by the way, I went through websites before we started this today, and today is Saturday. So the Fox headline, the MSNBC, I'll start. The headline is basically just

statistics, what the numbers are at worldwide, U.S., all that stuff. I go to Fox. Fox's headline is CNN breaks silence. And the headline reads Liberal Network finally covers Larry King clip after development in Biden's sexual assault claim. And then the top eight stories after it are all about Biden. One is that Bernie Sanders is upset. It's all about this Biden sex thing, which, which I'm, you know, I've told you, I've been watching Fox news cause I'm just way more relaxed because like there, I'm not reading about crazy stuff happening with the virus. I'm reading about, you know, a guy inappropriately touching a girl.

And it's just like it's almost like it's pre virus. Wait. So what is the story with Biden? Because I remember reading something a couple of weeks ago. So so he had a woman come out and say that he what did he do to her exactly? He digitally molested her. So just through the internet? No, no. Sorry. Digital fingers. He fingered her. He fingered her? Through the internet, he fingered her. God, I hate that phrase. I've always hated that phrase. But that's what it is. So what was the context? Was it where they.

She worked. She worked on Capitol Hill and she worked, I believe, for his office. And this is the truth. We should know more of this. The right has that right. We should definitely know more of this, whether we don't want to talk about it or not. It should be a bigger story. Now, what what I do question is, does the right really want to go towards accusations against their candidate? Because and sadly, I don't want Biden to be the guy like me. I don't have all these rape law active lawsuits against me right now. And but I don't want it to devolve into that. And I don't want to also be the party that says, like, really, do we want to go there? Like, I thought this was no longer an issue because your candidate has sort of cleared the field

that that's not even worth talking about anymore in terms of disqualifying me for being eligible. Well, at the risk of sensationalizing the story, what exactly happened? Because I know there's a lot of like pervs out there that love to read rape stories because they love to hear the details. Yeah. That's like a whole thing of like, don't stop publishing details

of how somebody was molested because a lot of guys get off on it. But like, what was the scenario with them? And say it slowly, I got to get my pants off. Exactly. So here I'll Google Biden accusation. Those two words. Here's Politico. Oh, it roils the Me Too movement. Yeah. So do you know, it's a fascinating issue with how Me Too is reacting to it. So Alyssa Mil milano who's one of the people at the forefront of me too she started me too so she's come under very harsh criticism for being pretty silent and also

kind of saying i think we have to wait and see so in 2017 actress melissa milano became one of the early advocates for the me too movement when she tweeted if you've been sexually harassed or assaulted, write Me Too as a reply to this tweet. And a big angle that they had was you have to believe, you know, women out of the gate, their voice has to be heard. They shouldn't be silenced. And now her angle, and I'm oversimplifying kind of is, hey, not so fast. This female voice against Biden, let's vet it first. And everyone's like, that's not how you started. You know what I mean? And so it's really roiling, as this headline says, that there's sort of a double standard here. And that makes a lot of sense, I think.

I personally believe, you know, obviously everyone does, that all the voices should be vetted, but they shouldn't be discounted or quieted, you know, at all. So that's kind of what's going on. And, you know, listen, I'm guilty as well. I've kind of stopped following news. You digitally assaulted somebody? Yes. No, but I've digitally put my fingers in my ears, and I'm not really following this. But it's not, they're right. It really isn't on CNN.

Now, CNN's headline was having covid-19. This was the headline today. Quote, having covid-19 may not prevent a second infection. Oh, shit. Really? But hold on. And then the World Health Organization warns people who've had coronavirus may not necessarily be immune from reinfection. It is such a bullshit headline because it means nothing. It's like, you know, comedy. We used to make fun of like the local news was when we come back from commercial, can your tap water kill you? And then they come back from commercial like it turns out it can't. Yeah. It's like, well, what the fuck? So, yeah, it's clickbait.

So what this is saying is COVID-19 may not prevent. It's because they don't have all the data, but it looks like it will. They don't have all the data, but it looks like it will. Like they could have had a headline like having COVID-19 may make you jump higher on the other side of it when you heal. Like you could dunk. Yeah. They haven't studied it yet. But there's a possibility you could dunk after having COVID-19. But we're going to print this headline, which is you might be able to dunk after COVID-19 if you couldn't dunk before.

Well, not not being able to get reinfected. They're hanging in terms of the timeline. They're hanging a lot on that being true in terms of how quickly this thing can get resolved. Because if you can reintroduce people that have been infected and, you know, like with smallpox back in the 1700s, if you can get exposed to it and then not get it again, those people can work and they can go into hospitals and they can help sick people. So that's the only way the economy is going to get better is if those people can actually go back to work. Right. So. And you'll be one of the fortunate ones if you got sick and you beat it.

I know. Well, there's this, I know. Eventually I'm going to be like, what's his name in Dances with Wolves, who just rides the horse like, just shoot me. Go ahead. Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner just rides that horse like, just shoot me. Go ahead.

Here I am. It's like I'm going to be running around licking everything. So anyway, it's a reckless head. It's a fear headline that, you know, CNN, they're so guilty of it. They like to point the finger at Fox News. They're just as much a money-making stupid machine. Yeah, they suck. They suck.

All right, let's read another headline. Go for it. headline go for it uh donald j trump suggested at a news conference that uh injecting bleach uh into your bloodstream i'm drinking it right now by the way that's what this bottle is right here i just took a swig of um is it might be something that helps out. And again, he's not saying he's a scientist or an expert, but he's saying, you know, that's something that should work. They then had to come out and different companies then did a disclaimer about that.

I think Lysol and Clorox came out and they put stuff on their website that you should not do this. Oh, they had to immediately go to it. Of course, they had to immediately put that. I think Lysol and Clorox came out and they put stuff on their website that you should not do this. Oh, they had to immediately go to it. Of course, they had to immediately put that. Yeah. It's pretty hard to imagine. I mean, it's one thing to take a stance on whether or not you think we should be letting up on social distancing. It's another thing to like start suggesting lethal solutions to the problem. So people cut together. So Dr. Birx, so you know about this whole thing. She's sitting there, right? Yes. So she's sitting there and she's the source. So if you see this clip, you see him going, you know, he's fumpfering and he's like, and I don't know, you know, I hear ultraviolet light, right? And he turns, he's looking at her,

you know, making all his stupid hand gestures. He's like, it could work. So if we could get that in the body, you know, out on other means, like through the skin or other means and, you know, and listen, maybe that could work, right? And he's asking her. And then he gets to drinking disinfectant or ingesting it somehow, maybe through the skin or another way, but ingesting disinfectant to get it on the inside because it can kill the virus in a couple of seconds, right? So, you know, we talked about that. That could be something. So he's asking her and then someone, you know, cut together very funny. They then kind of zoom in on her face and they put the curb your enthusiasm

music, you know, which is to us the oldest thing in the world, like putting that, you know, other clips. But it's not funny, man. I got pretty furious because she's sitting there and I don't think I'm overstating this. She's sitting there like a beaten wife with the husband like, right, honey, that that's how you're you got your shiner you walked into a door right right honey and she just purses her lips and just shamefully dutifully looks down and doesn't say a fucking word and yeah and this is crazy i mean first of all i totally understand the respect for the office of the presidency and and and I still do, believe it or not. And but when he is asking you, like, it's one thing what Fauci was doing, which is he's, you know, Trump's espousing bullshit.

And Fauci kind of gently corrects him later. But I'm over it with Fauci as well. If you are a medical doctor, I am sorry. You have a higher allegiance. You have a higher responsibility to do no harm. And when this is the argument that like they feel that they can do more on the inside and gently correcting rather than being thrown out. And then another loyalist comes in who was previously in charge of the New York State lottery or something. previously in charge of the New York state lottery or something.

I don't. Well, but what happens is you're ignoring another factor that could come into play, which is if he fires Fauci, the country is going to call bullshit. They never do. He fires people all the time. No,

no, but, but all of a sudden it's like, no, no, but he doesn't fire people who are trending. Where's Fauci and where's this person? Because they've actually seen him gently correct them. But I think once you got that footing, that footing that Fauci has, I think Fauci is untouchable now. And I think, I don't

know. I mean, we could disagree on that. I could see your point, but I'm just thinking some doctor has to be like, no no and especially if you're asked on the spot because that's the difference she was asked it wasn't just he was espousing she was asked and he she should have been like no that you cannot ingest lysol or whatever the fuck right right it's crazy yeah you can do it respectfully but you have to do it in the moment but yeah because people are seeing it. Right. And doing it anyway.

Getting back to Vice President, former Vice President Joe Biden, he is now the presumptive nominee for the Democrats and needs to lock down who his vice president will be. And he's already committed to saying it will be a woman. It will be or he'll seek a woman and ask a woman. He will. Well, that's true. What if all the women say yes? What if all the women say no because he's such a fingerer? Yeah, right.

Yeah. And the bad phrasing by the newspaper is that he needs to finger a new appointee for the vice presidency. Oh, my God. Yeah. and said he needs to finger a new appointee for the vice presidency oh my god yeah um he's point right now he's pointing the finger at angela harris what's her name yeah he's gotten a third base with her on this process they really hope to bring it home and so uh the two big picks right now are Kamala Harris of California and Stacey Abrams, who was the 2018 nominee for governor of Georgia. I hope it's Stacey Abrams. She's awesome. Is she good?

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, she, you know, should be governor, and she was gypped out of that by, you know, not many votes at all, but it was really, really shady. So anyway, she initially rejected the idea, but now she's into it. Well, you know, she might maybe because she wants to get the fuck out of Georgia now that it's going to be the biggest Corona state in the country. As I said, I really it's weird that I do this podcast because I really pride myself on not watching the news. I really haven't. I'll see highlights of his press conference, like the one I just described with Birx,

but I don't have CNN on in the house. I don't do any of that stuff. So my image of Kamala Harris is she would turn... People are going to hate me for saying this, but I think she would turn a lot of the people off who we need. She's not going to turn off me and you on the left. Oh, no, she turns me off. I can't stand her.

All right, she does turn me off a little bit too. But I kind of like her though. But I just think there are other candidates who, and you're going to get that Southern, you know, injection as well with Georgia. I really think that's the way to go. Well, it sounds like it's going to be a woman and it's going to be a black woman. And and they're saying that I mean, the thinking by

politicians is always we need this demographic. So we'll run this person who's from that demographic. Well, guess what? Hillary Clinton ran in 2016. And guess who didn't vote for fucking women? Right. Upper middle class women, college educated like her, rejected her. So rather than pick somebody categorically by their skin color or gender, why not pick the best candidate? And I'm not saying I don't know anything about it. I don't know this woman from Georgia. about it. I don't know this woman from Georgia. She may be great, but I just hate it when the search begins and you've already cut out, you know, 82% of the population of the country. More than that. 90%. It's also in a way kind of technically illegal to say, I've got a job opening and it's going to be a woman. Right.

That's not allowed. It's also bad for business. And it's a federal government position. It's a fairly well-paying position. Right. And you're saying, sorry, guys, you can't apply to it. Yeah. A little bit like trying to get a TV writing job these days.

Don't bring that up. But come on, white guys had a good run for about, I don't know, 60 million years? Yeah, they had a good run from forever until about a year and a half ago. Yeah. Thanks, Alyssa Milano. Thanks for ruining the party.

All right, let's go to entertainment. Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons. Hooray for Hollywood. We just did a lot of entertainment, didn't we? I know. Let's do more. Okay, we're going to do more.

All right, so Denise, I read a headline. Denise Richards, who was married to Charlie Sheen. She's on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which I've never seen. So no, never seen it. So there's a headline this week and she goes, this is literally what it says. It sounds like Denise Richards doesn't want to talk negatively about her ex, Charlie Sheen. Wednesday night's episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills included talk about the ex's child support battle. Quote, there's a lot that the kids don't know about their dad, and I want to keep it that way. Richards said on the show. Okay. So now I'm like, all right, this is very confusing already. So maybe her kids are like four and five and they will never see her. Kind of like our kids aren't listening to this podcast.

So like, and it goes, Richards and Sheen are the parents of daughters, Sammy, 16 and Lola, 14. Okay. The former co-star is married in 2002, but split years later when Richards was pregnant with Lola. Okay. So I'm like, well, what's going on here? And then where's the other quote here? Even though he's Charlie Sheen, this is her. That is still to them their dad, Richards said. I never talk badly about him and I want him to be a part of their lives because I met a lot of the women that Charlie entertained and a

lot of them had father daughter issues and I do not want that to be our girls so she's also telling this to fucking CNN so it's like you he often called her the c-word and I'm about to join him and mostly because I know why are you forcing me to take Charlie Sheen's side? That's what you're doing here. You're telling me to take this crack using HIV getting maniac lunatic. You're forcing me to take his side because this is so not cool. And you're doing it in like the most backhanded way. Right.

Right. You're bringing your kids into this shit. Yeah. Well, and I think I also think when you when you sign up for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, you are agreeing to throw a table on somebody. You're agreeing to have a slap fight at a nightclub, you know, and you're agreeing to say something racially insensitive. Like you're signing up for all that shit when you're when your daughters are at their most you know malleable they have a writer's room i know the people i don't want to out them i know the company that makes all the real housewives there's writer's rooms there's giant ideas there's story arcs there's all of that yeah so what you're saying is true but this little i mean and of course they do it it gets a headline a headline that all of those girls, their kids, all of their

kids' friends see. And if they didn't see it, they're asking them about it. Right. They almost just missed. If they were the six now, they maybe wouldn't know about it as they get older. Maybe Charlie Sheen would have completely faded. But he's still got a show on the air probably. I mean. Yeah. No, yeah.

I don't know what Charlie Sheen's up to lately. Yeah. And then the only other entertainment, because we talked a lot about shows that we've watched. Hold on, Mike. Oh. What happened? I had to crinkle the paper.

Because we're still in entertainment though. Yeah, but it's a different page. It's not all printed on one page. Sorry, my bad. It sounded like a lot of pages were being crinkled. Maybe this is four or five pages ahead.

But I started watching, there's a documentary I started watching with the kids, The Pharmacist. Have you seen it? No, don't know it. It's pretty good. I mean,

it's not super great. It's pretty good. And it's about a pharmacist in new Orleans and his son gets shot. And it's when new Orleans is the murder capital of like, basically the world, like way before Chicago. And, um, and it's the epidemic of the opioid epidemic. And that's what this show becomes about is this pharmacist fight to also stop the opioid epidemic. So the girls turn to me point blank and go, have you ever taken Oxycontin? And I'm like, is this pharmacist fight to also stop the opioid epidemic. So the girls turn to me point blank and go,

have you ever taken OxyContin? And I'm like, I go, I think so. And they are mortified. They're mortified. And it turns out I think I was wrong. I think I've taken Oxycodone because I've taken a lot of Vicodin. So I think that's different. It's the same class. It's opioids. Yeah, I've never taken OxyContin. That's hardcore. that's different. It's the same class. It's opioids.

Yeah, I've never taken Oxycontin. That's hardcore. That's Rush Limbaugh, right? Yeah, right. And he used to have his cleaning woman smuggle them? His illegal immigrant cleaning woman would go get him illegal drugs as he blasted illegal immigrants and drug users on his radio show. And he would take a ton of these and eventually admitted he had a problem and he had to go to

rehab, right? Yes. So anyway, while I'm under the false impression and I try to be honest with my girls, which is something I'm going to try to work on because I shouldn't be this honest. So they're like, all right, yeah, okay. You took it for your hip. So I had hip surgery a few years ago just because it was crazy worn out and it for fun? And I guess I stare at them too long considering if I was about to tell them the truth or not. And they're like, dad. And they were just outraged. I'm like, no, no, no, hold on. I would take it because like, let's say I worked out really hard or I went, you know,

camping, backpacking, you know, with 60 pounds and I really wouldn't be able to sleep. So I would take one, I'd be in a lot of pain. And then, you know, while I took one, I'd be like a cocktail would be pretty exceptional right now. And so I told them that they literally looked at me. They're such good. They looked at me like I was killing this pharmacist. I was the reason this pharmacist was almost getting killed literally. And, um And that I was part of America's problem. So that was- It's like, girls, you have to understand, sometimes my hip would really hurt after camping,

or you guys would get dropped off unexpectedly by your mother because she had an appointment and I had to deal with you all weekend. You know, emergencies. Yeah. Also, they can't measure how good it feels when you have a little cocktail with an oxycodone. Um, no, our friend who, uh, very, well, we have a number of friends that enjoy, uh, opioids. And I know that, uh, the last time the Owen got his nose broken at a soccer match and he had to get surgery. And the next day, our friend Tom swung by the house.

I'm like, what are you doing here? You know, you just named him, right? We, Tom's a generic name. Okay.

And he goes, I'm just, just checking on Owen. I go, what, what are you checking on? And he's like, well,

he's not going to take all those painkillers. Is he? He's not going to take all of them. They give you more than you need. No, as soon as anyone in our circles has some injury or like me even with my surgery, there's just all of a sudden there's vultures circling above the house. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I took them. I took them for a while. I had shoulder surgery like probably like eight years ago or something, and they gave me – I had three different doctors prescribing me opioids. I had my primary physician, I had the surgeon, and then I had – I forget who the other one was. Maybe my shrink. And I was taking them around the clock for months,

and then I couldn't get any more, and i was going through check your uh medicine cabinet by the way if i visited you during that period of time because if you think you have a bottle in there put away for a rainy day you don't wow yeah you know they say that's a big reason to get like a safe that you put like in your bathroom under counter is your your teens friends who come over all of them read the cabinets looking oh no we have a safe we keep all our meds in a safe wow yeah and our cash i now have to because the kids know i still have some there you go um but the day i went off that shit i'm telling you man i've never felt so black for three days of my life. It was like suicidal. It was bad. I'm surprised you're on it. Wow. That sucks. I'm surprised you're on it so

long because you know, the dopamine thing doesn't come back. Right. The, the, the, the ease with which to release it gets more and more challenging. Took a long time. Took a long time. Yeah. You seem good now. You're probably back on it, which is great because you seem great. What are you saying? Well, you don't seem great right now, now that you're being sort of called out on it, but you're generally a happier guy. Yeah, I think that was the TMS. That was the transcranial magnetic stimulation that Neil Brennan turned me on to,

which is if you have depression, I recommend it. It's expensive and it takes a long time, but insurance is starting to cover it more and more. My insurance covered it. And you go in like four days a week, they strap electrodes on and they stimulate parts of your brain with magnet, almost like an MRI. It stimulates parts of your brain and the depression starts to alleviate. And my baseline for depression seriously went up. Do you think part of the depression is lifted because you're also wearing a aluminum foil hat the rest of the week and looking in the mirror at yourself? And paying a co-pay. I no longer have to pay the co-pay when it's over.

All right, listen. Let's get to international, Mike. Oh, can't wait. Lot going on in Spain. You know, they have like the strictest of any country's lockdown policies. Yeah, I heard that. Like you literally can't leave your house. The only reason you can leave your house is to go grocery shopping

or walk your pet. Well, guess who's getting creative on pets? A guy just got a ticket for walking a bowl of water with a fish in it. Oh, that's like so Salvador Dali. Who's the other guy? Who's the brit that walked his pet lobster um i don't know one of the greatest humorists of all time i'll get his name in a minute sorry go ahead um and then uh another guy had a toy dog you know those remember remember when you were in like eighth grade there was those leashes that had a wire in them and a harness on it and you would walk an invisible dog.

Invisible dog. Exactly. And it was a solid laugh every time. Right. But they put a toy dog in the leash and they're walking a fake dog down the street just to be loose. This is what I want to see. I want to see the guy out there walking his gimp.

Did you hear about this? Did you hear about this story in Hollywood? Did you hear about this story in Hollywood where, oh God, we have to look it up. If any viewers know this, we're going to talk about it next week and you and I, and I'll do it. I have to remember to talk about it. There is a story in Hollywood and I think the guy was an agent and he was into S&M and he got a guy and that was his dog. And the guy identified as a dog, but also signed releases because then they were going to do, you know, dangerous things and you need a safe word and all that stuff. The dog in quotes died, suffocated or whatever. And the guy who killed him and killed his in quotes was not charged because it

was his dog. And also because that's mostly be obviously because the release is the guy signed, but there was also, he also gets a barium in the backyard. There was, there was also something about him being treated very seriously by the law as a dog.

That's not why he didn't get charged. He got charged because of the releases, but there was something about his self-identification as a dog. So like, yeah. And I think that's one of these things like where America's had, it's so good for so long. Like despite 2008,

I mean, what a run since world war two, really. And I think like we now have the the sort of luxury of that taking up the court's time like in other words is he a dog well we have to respect it if he's identifying where it'll be like shut the fuck up that's not a dog get back right now in this country say you say you were a doger. Maybe you would try to get your dog to identify as a human because that's legal. Right. All right.

We're going to go. We're going to take a deep dive on this. If anyone has thoughts, where do they email us? Email me at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. And I will forward the emails on to Mike, which is what I do every week. And by the way, tons of emails coming in of you guys enjoying Sunday Papers, which really makes us feel great. Can't believe it. It's so nice. Really positive and no negative ones, which I'm not inviting. But I'm just saying on Fitz Dog Radio, there's, you know, there's a 3% incidence of I fucking hate you.

And we don't even get that so uh so thanks and also we're trying to spread the word so tell your friends about it and if you can go on apple podcasts and give us a five star rating and leave a comment that helps us we're on the charts and it helps us stay on the chart we're on the charts is so crazy. I know. I know nothing about this business, but it seems very weird. Well, I don't know how it works, but there we are, up there with I Fucked My Dad and whatever the other comedy podcasts are.

There's a lot that don't belong on there. There's like this Welcome to Night Vale show that's been in the top 10 forever, and it's not even a comedy show. It's weird. Then you got people like Conan O'Brien who have TV shows, but then they put up a podcast also. Is that fair?

How is that fair? Yeah, they're interviewing someone that they normally interview on seats on a TV set. Meanwhile, you're in a closet. I'm literally in a closet, which is getting kind of hot. It's a hot day here. Yeah, it's heating up. Should we do letters?

I'm just wondering if there's another... International story? International story, yes. In Australia, Cardinal George Pell has been freed from prison after Australia's high court unanimously overturned his conviction on five counts of child sex abuse. And they said that he apparently penetrated a child and two children. And then the Pope, Pope John, Pope Francis, tweeted. Made him a cardinal.

What's that? Nothing. Go ahead. And then the Pope tweeted, quote, In these days of Lent, we've been witnessing the persecution that Jesus underwent and how he was judged ferociously, even though he was innocent. Let us pray together today for all those persons who suffer due to an unjust sentence because someone had it in for them. What is this? Pope Trump?

Also, Pope, who ever said Jesus was innocent? And I'm not trying to be funny. He was a rebel. He would tell you himself he was a rebel. He was a zealot. He was a zealot, literally. He gathered them together. He hated the rich Jews who were taking all the land, and he hated the Romans.

He was advocating for an overthrow of the government, which was illegal. Right. And by the way, he wasn't special. First of all, he stole all his tricks from John the Baptist, who was the shit, by the way. Yeah, he was the shit. But crucifixion, that's why there was two guys next to him. That was standard fare for the rebels at that time. If you were trying to rebel against and were anti the corrupt leaders.

He was righteous. He was amazing. corrupt leaders. He was righteous. He was amazing. But it's like Martin Luther King Jr. when he was in his jail cell, absolutely the last thing he would say is I'm innocent. What he would say is I am proudly guilty to violate these laws that are unjust. Right. Right. What the fuck is the pope thinking? Yeah, there's nothing unjust about don't fuck kids. And did the Pope just compare... Yeah, by the way, I'm just going to skip the fucking kids part, if I may.

Yeah. And also, did the Pope just compare a pedophile priest to Jesus Christ? Are you kidding me? It's... Every time I think, okay, I'm going to start to get on board again with the Catholics.

I like this new pope. I feel nostalgic about my Catholic upbringing. I still if I walk into a church and I light a candle and I kneel down and pray, I feel like a million bucks for days. But then this kind of shit happens and I go, can't do it. They're still fucked. How is one not splintered off yet honestly it's you know it's the world's it's one of the world i think it's the world's giant biggest company it's the world's biggest biggest landholder it's the biggest landholder and company and they don't pay taxes and they have a scandal like this like if it was mcdonald's they would have already splintered off of jesus let's try to save the locations and rename it and rebrand this shit fast.

And maybe come up, maybe, you know, as you're pointing out, maybe adopt some more contemporary views on things. Like how about our priests can marry? You know how many problems that would solve? Priests can have normal, healthy sex with adults. Anyway. Yeah. Sometimes you have to rebrand.

I remember there was an appetite suppressant back in the 70s. I don't know if you remember this. No. And it was called AIDS, A-Y-D-S, AIDS. In the 80s, they rebranded. Maybe. Yeah. There was a children's furniture company on Lincoln Boulevard in Marina Del Rey called SIDS. S-I-D apostrophe S. That's the crazy one.

But rebranded it. Imagine AIDS the first time you go to the pharmacy. Don't tell me you're sold out of AIDS. I came here for AIDS. I used to get AIDS in aisle four. Where is it? There was a gay guy. He used to sell it. You know, you guys are really kind of fucking me up the ass by not having this AIDS in here. I'm starting to really lose my appetite. Yeah.

All right, let's get to uh business okay business um these pussies man these fucking i have to stop cursing so much these i was i was just gonna move fucking and keep pussies in there these these babies um the headline was stocks snap a two week winning streak, that there are even headlines like this now, like this unbelievable denial that we're heading towards a global, at least recession, if not depression. And they said that the winning streak was snapped because of falling oil prices. Oh, really? Not because of the unbelievable amounts of unemployment that are coming our way. Keep in mind, by the way, the S&P is only down 16% from its high and it's up. It was up 28% in 2019. So anyone that's complaining about this and trying

to like, it has to go forward. They also wrote that despite sobering economic data, that's one way of putting it, stocks brushed off the weekly unemployment numbers and moved higher Thursday. Jobless claims were on front end and the markets are looking ahead to the global reopening of the economy. I mean, am I alone in this? And then it's like you can see the consumption engine. This is what a quote from a guy on Wall Street. You can see the consumption engine is starting to rev back up. The longer this drags on, the propensity to spend money will increase as pent up consumer demand continues to build. continues to build. Is this fuck face? There goes my cursing. Is this guy unaware? Does he have blinders on that big? Are you talking about guys who want to stock their private trout ponds? Are you reading the headlines of the food bank lines getting longer and longer? It's just this myopia where someone is just applying their way of living and they're pent up like that. They haven't been able to buy a new car and for kicks to the people who are really trying to get necessities.

It just makes me infuriate. Am I alone on this? It makes me infuriated. No, it's so funny that you just said stock their trout ponds because I just read this book about, you know, the Jonestown floods back in the 1800s. read this book about, you know, the Jonestown floods back in the 1800s? They literally happened because the rich people at the top of the hill were stocking a trout pond and they overfilled it and they didn't reinforce the dam. And it caused thousands and thousands of people to die. All poor people that lived beneath them literally were flooded to death by the overrun of a stocked trout pond for the wealthy. Springsteen wrote a song about it. I mean, it's a lot of people wrote songs about it. No, it's crazy and it's short-sighted because there's not a, again, I hate to have to say scientific expert, but someone based in science who is not saying that there's going to

be a second wave of this probably starting in the fall. And everything we're experiencing now in terms of having to isolate and social distance is going to be repeated again in the fall, if not every so often. They're calling it the the hammer and the dance phenomenon, which is the hammer is the quarantine. and the dance phenomenon, which is the hammer is the quarantine. And the dance is how we're going to dance out a little bit, see how it affects things, and then have to dance back in. It's going to be back and forth for a long time. So how is the appetite for consumption suddenly strong again?

And then it's, we just, how does this guy, who's obviously just trying to blow smoke up everybody, and he's a cheerleader and he's just trying to get them. Who knows? But how are they unaware that they just set the table for an even bigger disaster? Because they've given bailouts to these companies who for the past 10 years have only done buybacks. And for the listeners who don't know a buy. So're whoever, you're Starbucks, you're Exxon, especially the oil companies. You have not put the money, like old school economics, back into- You're talking about like the money that they made from tax breaks. All their profits from the last few years, almost all of their profits, literally. They have not put into things like expanding, improving the lives and salaries.

Retraining the workforce. Yeah. And also saving the money and investing. What they've done is they've bought back their own stocks to artificially inflate their stock prices. And the people that win are the people on their board and their shareholders. And that's it. The community doesn't win. The country doesn't win. Their employees will only win through their probably pretty small profit sharing plans. But anyway, so what happens is they've just bailed them out again and there's no plan for them to come back stronger or anything like that. They're just trying to keep their stock price at whatever.

It's so boring. No, they just changed the laws again with this whole new package, and they're saying that it's helping people, households earning over $500,000 a year, and that one provision tucked into this new bailout, the federal economic rescue law, only applies to companies with at least $25 million in annual receipts. So, you know, I mean, I know personally I'm incorporated, so I pay myself as a contractor. I have no work. I have no standup work probably for the entire year. So I get to file to get this $10,000 loan.

I couldn't get it. I couldn't get my application in because the websites were so backlogged. Meanwhile, all of these big companies, including Harvard, got millions and millions of dollars. Cheesecake Factory. They all got, and they didn't have to even fill out an application through the website. It was done directly for them by the government. They're being shamed, luckily. Like, Harvard gave it back.

I hope Ruth's Chris gave it back. But, you know, one of the companies that was very cool about it. Well, Harvard gave it back, but then they said, fine, but we're not bringing in those two black students this year. Exactly. Who was the company? Some company, not Chipotle. Some company identified it really early without being busted and said, oh, man, we had no idea that us taking it would dry up funds for other people, which is kind of weird. But they proactively gave it back.

Yeah. And it's sad. I should remember it. Next week we'll talk about is kind of weird. But they proactively gave it back. Yeah. And it's sad. I should remember it. Next week we'll talk about which company that was. But yeah. God, you got a lot planned for next week, Mike Gibbons. Let's get to letters because we can do that also. All right, let's do it.

These are letters to the editor. No paper crinkle? Sorry. Letters to the editor. And don't forget, if you want to send us letters with comments, feedback, send them to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com or just go to FitzDawg.com and there is a link there to send mail. That all gets to me. I read all of it. Send it to Mike. He reads all of it. And we'd love to bring some of it on the show. So this section is also, we started last week with

an advice column because we'll give advice to the people that write in. But until then, we're going to go to Ask Amy, which is a syndicated columnist. But why don't we do, we did get a letter from someone. So we'll start with that one. So this is not Ask Amy. So this is a guy who wrote in and he goes, I wanted to share with you that I live in Taiwan. And this guy is Donald. I also, I want to share with you that I live in Taiwan and I'm an ESL teacher. That's English as a second language. With my adult students, I always

push podcasts as a way to increase fluency and vocabulary. And when I get students that are interested in comedy, I always recommend your podcast to them. That's so weird because do you know how many American people I recommend Japanese hidden camera massage porn to? Greg, people in Taiwan are listening to this now, and I think that's very, very offensive. Especially since they're not from Japan. He also goes on, yes. He also goes on. Yes.

He also goes on. Also a Chinese flu update in Taiwan. There is no lockdown. And every weekend I've spent lounging at the park or riding a bike around the city. I don't think Taiwan gets enough credit for the job they have done. I have heard you mentioned Taiwan before, so I thought it would bring it up.

So the reason I read this letter is poor Donald died this week of the virus. I'm kidding. But I am wondering how they're doing over there. So give us an update on Taiwan. And boy, I don't think you should have Taiwan English as a second language student listening to this podcast. There's a lot to explain. They're going to learn how to say fuck if they're listening to you yep i'm gonna i'm gonna curb that that's that's gonna be on the way down i'm gonna work on my cleaning up my language and tell them to uh keep making those umbrellas i remember being a kid and umbrellas always said made in taiwan and i remembered really before everything was made taiwan umbrellas were made in Taiwan.

I always thought the people over there making, like, I remember, like, you know, when we were kids were young, the alphabet magnets on your fridge. And they were all made in China. And I was wondering, like, they're making an English alphabet. Like, they have no idea what they're making. They're making these shapes. Yeah. It's like us, like us making their alphabet. And they always forget to put in the word the or a in those magnets. Oh, the word magnets.

Yeah, I was talking about the little letters too. Okay, so here's a quick Dear Amy or Ask Amy. So it goes, Dear Amy, after I retired 10 years ago, my wife read an article about ADHD symptoms and showed it to me. I read it and ticked off at least five items. I saw a specialist and was diagnosed and am now taking medication if I had only been diagnosed earlier. After talking to my family members, one of my sons and two of my grandchildren were also diagnosed. The grandchildren will receive the help they need earlier than I did.

My joke is that ADHD might not excuse my actions over my life, but it does explain them. Like any other problem, ADHD is what I have. It is not me. Signed, Much Better. Well, Much Better, why don't you take more meds because you didn't ask a i want to say fucking you didn't ask a fucking question you distracted bastard there wasn't one question in that letter to ask it's called ask amy yeah right and it explains it may not excuse her her uh actions but it explains them so fucking your husband was because he had a short attention span? Fucking your husband's best friend was because he had a short attention span?

Also, since when at 70 did you decide to go on cocaine pills? Like, what do you need them for now? I know. At this point, just fucking just wrap it up. Wrap it up. You know, go out in the sun without sunscreen take opioids yeah enjoy oh that's what i'm going to be doing heroin who i you know we've heard heroin's the greatest feeling on earth who when they're entering hospice, but right before it, when you know you're headed that way, who wouldn't be like,

bring in the heroin? Honestly. Right. Now that maybe is a sitcom we should write for HBO. And old folks somewhere, they really do just let it out. Yeah. You know this is bad for you.

What? This is My Son Doesn't Visit. Give me another eight ball. This is from an etiquette column on Real Simple. I thought maybe we should do some some an etiquette column. question not long ago a close friend of mine who i'll call sally started started making incendiary racist remarks including using the n-word i've repeatedly asked her to stop making this comment but she continues to do so i have to start distancing myself from sally because i find the behavior intolerable but i miss the good things about her. How should I handle this? I don't know. I'd wrap it up on the second N-word. I don't know that this is something you need to slowly distance yourself from. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Sally's black friend.

you're writing what question why why do you have to write a paper you're no longer sally's friend it's over what are you there's so there's so many other things i like about sally like how we kick back and make fun of the gays and mexicans why does she have to bring the n-word into talking about her beloved fags she loves nothing more than talking about faggots and then she has to bring the n-word into it i guess i have to draw a line somewhere is it yet oh but the good times driving through the ghetto and trying to run people down for laughs. It's all on Tik TOK. We'll sit on her porch in the glow of a burning cross.

And we'll just, which is also weird. Sally burns crosses on her own lawn. That's another thing that's for next week. Here's a second etiquette question. My neighbor, John, a happily married retiree, loves to talk. In fact, he drops by to talk to me about twice a week. I'm a graduate student who lives alone.

I was loving these etiquette things. Everybody always has to try to blow their own horn a little bit. They like to drop a few things in. Of course. He often brings something over like fresh banana bread or homemade jerky. I don't like the sounds of homemade jerky. Right. Then while standing at my door, he'll tell me that there's a yellow jacket nest that I should take care of or a slippery spot on my walk. The problem, I want to be left alone when I get home. I'd like to be polite, but the situation has become frustrating and time consuming. What's your advice? Well, I don't know. Once

he starts using the N word, I would tell him just to go back. Okay, Sally, a few things. He's bringing you banana bread and trying to help your bee problem despite you throwing the N word around like it's your new favorite favorite thing you know you're a fucking obnoxious bore when you have to bring gifts to start a conversation with somebody that's how you know you're not welcome yeah exactly here's a bribe can i talk to you for 10 minutes this is a sculpture of a literal foot in the door. I'd like to give this to you to talk to you about something else, our friendship. But really, homemade jerky. First of all, jerky sounds like jerking off. Homemade sounds like jerking off.

So homemade jerky, I'm not putting that in my mouth. I think homemade jerky also stands for leftover leftovers. Congealed, whatever I had for dinner last week. This super dry piece of steak that I just found in the fridge. I don't see mold on it. I'm thinking it's good. Mike, we do it every week. It's time to do it again.

It is the Sunday comics. Let's do it. All right. A lot of great ones this week. I thought we'd start off with our friend Dilbert. I love Dilbert. Yeah, I did Dilbert last week. Dilbert should have been Me Too'd last week, but okay.

Oh, that's right. Dilbert, who's actually not in this one, but it's his office place, which is kind of like, it's like if the office, the TV show was a cartoon, it would be Dilbert. Yeah. So one guy is talking to another guy and he says, Wally, your work ethic is abysmal. You're fired. And then Wally says, would it make more sense to loan me to a project you hate so I can rot it from the inside? Other guy says, that's not your worst idea. Wally says, is a raise out of the question?

Okay. Huh. These are so unfunny that I actually thought you were going to end it you could end it at any point like i thought it was i thought it was going to end at the rot the thing from the inside out could have then you have a cute little unfunny thing where the guy gets paid i guess well look they're cartoons they're not supposed to make... It's not like TikTok, where you laugh out loud at three in the morning while your wife is trying to sleep.

Yeah. And then this is the far side, which I know you love. I do. It's a picture of two guys. This is caveman times. There's two cavemen, and they're sitting in front

of the opening of a cave and one of them there's a dead armadillo and he's got a rock and then standing on the edge of the woods looking at them are two other cavemen and it says drawn by the pulsating sound of a rock thumping on a dead armadillo two astralopithecines stood at the forest edge. Instantly, Thag's agent knew that they had a crossover hit. I think that's kind of funny. He's also a great writer, like literally. Like of the words he chooses and everything are great. Gary Larson?

Yeah, not only the ideas. He owes a lot to Charles Adams from the Adams family who used to do those really dark New Yorker cartoons. He was great. I saw Family Circus in yesterday's paper. Well, we're not there yet.

Okay, sorry. You forgot about Hager the Horrible. Oh my God. And when we say horrible really horrible it says i mean the title i mean there's so many things that come under the umbrella of horrible there's killer there's thief there's a rapist and uh somehow there's a syndicated newspapers print a a fun little strip about him every week. A guy who's killing it on all three fronts.

So here's Hager. He's got his sword up in the air, and he's talking to his friend, and he goes, Cheer up, Lucky Eddie. After today's battle, you'll have it all. And Lucky Eddie says, Emotional pain and physical pain?

And there's no third frame, but it should say no rape. Maybe, maybe rape causes you emotional and physical pain. That seems pretty evolved, Eddie, but normally we feel no pain from the raping. Gee, Eddie, are you trying to inject laws into the Viking psyche?

All right. Now we'll get to your family circus. What do you got? Okay. So I saw one. I only see one a week. It's in Saturday's LA Times. And I don't know why I'm holding it up, but there it is.

And a little girl's at a toaster, and she's pulling out a very dark piece of toast. It's a black and white cartoon. So it looks like burnt toast. And she has her pie hole open and she's yelling, Mommy, will you fix the color on this toaster? And I have to tell you, for the first time, I think that's the most clever family circus I've ever read. This is this this like don't get me wrong. I didn't chuckle. I didn't smile.

I didn't do any. I didn't even go, huh, inside my head. But I was like, at least there was an effort there. And for family circus, it's sort of his brief history of time for that's his brief history of time this guy uh bill keene by the way i read about bill keene his name is bill with two l's but when he was getting his start he signed it with one l he removed an l because he thought it was more distinctive and i think that's kind of like removing the first L in LOL. It's just out loud now. That's what he effectively has done with his name.

By the way, I also looked up when I looked up this guy and listen, he's probably a nice guy and this is all fun, but I do hate him. His cemetery, Bill, what's his name? Bill Keene. hate him um his cemetery bill what's his name bill keen bill keen cemetery his headstone has a round it's a family circus it has a round thing with the family's faces from family circus and then it says bill keen and the years he was born the year he was born obviously in the year he died and that is just as funny as almost family circus. I like that he was consistent. And it's a matter of time until you deface that gravestone. No, I'll just go there.

I'll laugh at that one. No, I won't. I like, well, you know what we need to start coming up with is the previous draft he didn't put underneath the caption. Okay. And I'm going to say on this one, so she's holding up a burnt piece of toast. Yeah. He originally wrote, Mommy, why is the toast wearing blackface?

I like that. I don't know if that would have been as an original. That sounds like something Sally would have written. In harsher language, perhaps. You know, we've never had a guest on sunday papers but if we can get our hands on sally if anybody knows where to find her yeah um and then finally let's round it out as we do every week and have for many weeks with blondie oh boy where do we find blondie this week how about in bed with that piece of shit dagwood who's who's by the way wearing pajamas with donuts on them and it's one thing

if you're a cool guy and you have pajamas with donuts on them i get the context there's irony it's funny if you're fucking dagwood whose hair is slicked back on both sides and has got a fucking cowlick on the front and you've got a pointy nose and no mouth, wearing donuts just makes you pathetic. And now you're laying in bed with a woman. I'm not kidding you. Blondie is wearing a hot fuchsia nightgown off the left shoulder. Her shoulder is sticking out. The tits, and you know there's no bra because she's in bed. Did they just do it?

Do you think they just did it? No, I think they do it with the lights out so she can't see his face or his fucking pajamas. But the breasts are just as full and upright, even with no bra. And now she now he's reading a card that she has written to him. And he says, happy birthday to my trophy husband. Wow. Thanks, honey. And she says, so you don't mind that I married you for your hunky good looks?

He says, no, I've adjusted to the whole eye candy thing. Then he says, so you'd love me even if I look like an alien from the planet Zork? And she says, dear, let's not go there. And really, if you break that down, the first two, we're lampooning Dagwood. He's in on the joke. He gets that he's a piece of shit right she's had the balls to finally put it down in ink and then when he tries to pull the curtain back and say you really would love me if i and she goes honey honey shut the fuck up yeah

yeah it's very confused i don't even know what to say it's very confusing not to mention who reads the birthday card in bed that night? Oh, maybe it's the morning. Do you think she gave it to him first thing in the morning? Well, gave it to him is what I'm wondering. Maybe you'd give the card. Maybe the present was her outfit. Yeah.

Or what's in the outfit. Jesus. I would love to see. somebody sent in a couple. A few people have sent in pornographic drawings of Blondie and. Keep them coming. I just thought you were going to say it ruins it. Now, there was I remember reading about Blondie online. And, you know, at the origin, I'm not making this up, the original title of Blondie, when he first wrote it, was, She's Not So Dumb As She Looks.

Wow. Because you don't think she looks dumb at all. I think she's got a baking, she has a catering company. And later, she starts out as a showgirl, and then later on she starts her own catering company. And later, you know, she starts out as a showgirl. And then later on, she starts her own catering company because Dagwood is so fucking... All she does is she realizes, all I do is cook for this fucking asshole anyway. Is that because she already had a giant rack?

There it is. See, there's one. Just without even trying. There's one Sunday. Mike Gibbons, once again, via the internet, we've gotten together. We have blown through all the news. If you missed it, you get it here.

Week after week, people are tuning in to get our take on the news, and we love you for it. Yeah. Keep it coming. What do they do? Keep the comments coming. All of a sudden, I'm interested in the chart.

I never even knew there was a podcast chart. And we're on it, apparently. Let's try to drive the number up. Drive the number up. Subscribe. That means don't just listen, but actually subscribe. And then also, if you want to follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter, it's at GibbonsTime on Twitter. I'm at Greg Fitzshow.

Also, I can send you a cameo. If you want to go to the cameo app, I'll send you a message on your birthday or whatever. And listen to Fitzdog Radio. Anything else to promote, Mike? Fargo Season 3. So far, I'm interested. So I'll watch it so we can talk about the ending next week. But I'm kind of liking it.

Oh, and of course, don't forget tonight to watch the Bulls documentary. It's well done. And by well done, it's a drama like any documentary follows a drama. Like, it's cool. It's a story. It's not just, look how great Jordan was. It's not that at all. Good.

Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening. And here's that at all. Good. Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening. And here's another one for the birdcage. Still need to work on that. I do. I have a lot to work on. I should listen to this podcast for my to-do list.

All righty. Peace out. Peace out. Peace out. Peace out. Peace out.