Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg & Mike Ep:4 3/29/20

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

Celebrate with us that once again America is #1! Sadly Mike has some issues with Family Circus. 

You can read it in the Sunday Papers. Read it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Sunday Papers. They're here, baby. Perfect. All right. Mike Gibbons, how are you? Good, man. Should we explain how weird this is for us? Yeah, Mike pussed out and decided that we had to be in two separate places to record the podcast.

I'm such a pussy. Such a pussy. They've outlawed the beach now and hiking trails in Los Angeles. It is Saturday or mid-afternoon as we're recording this. On the 28th of March. And I was officially, me and Owen were the last two people on the tennis courts at Venice Beach yesterday. They had padlocked every single one of them, and they forgot to padlock one of the courts.

Me and Owen snuck in, and we were playing for like a half hour, and then a guy came by and yelled at us. And then Owen convinced him to let us play for another 20 minutes, and we were the only one. People were like crowding around watching us play that's amazing and then we finished and walked off but this is like this is so tough because there's so many upsides to this virus and i shouldn't lead with that i should lead the downsides. But the upsides are we're all spending quality time with our families. Or if you live alone, whatever. But then there's all these things we could be doing.

We could be going to the movies and riding bikes on the beach. And now you can't do any of it. You can't even ride on the bike path at the beach anymore. No, I know. You can't walk out there. It's crazy. Um, I got my girl. It's I've had both experiences. I was absolutely alone all last week. And then my girls arrived last night or like yesterday afternoon after school. So now they're here. So now I'm sharing in whatever, you know, the, the sort of, you know, people get on each other's nerves and all that stuff. So I'm

sharing in that. But before that, when it was all those days, absolutely isolated, I really, I had a thought I related to. So, you know, how the funny, you know, the thing about chimpanzees in the zoo is they're always, you know, masturbating. And I then occurred to me, you know, you've you've never, I've never seen a chimpanzee masturbating in the wild. Like, I think, I think it's the confinement because, because if you had charts over here on my, on my frequency, those charts are spiking. They're, they look like every chart that's on the news right now. Right, right. And I think it's stress and confinement in an unnatural sort of way of living. Well, I think that's why we like free range chickens, because we know that they haven't been wrapping their little beaks, their little claws around their dicks.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, wait, chickens don't have dicks. Yeah, what is it they have? They got a pussy big enough to to shit an egg out they rub they rub donuts i guess that's what they do i there's just there's something like that i went through a whole thing on my my my my childish podcast we were curious about how chicken how often chickens need to be impregnated oh they don't in order to keep cranking out eggs and it only has to be impregnated. Oh, they don't. In order to keep cranking out eggs. And it only has to be like once every, I forget. No, it's not.

It's none at all. It's just none of them are fertilized. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Egg production happens whether a dude's around or not. Oh. Yeah. Wow.

They really are phasing us out. Yeah. Well, that was since Weinstein. Before that, the rooster, the roosters had to be around all the time. Right. The chicken me too movement. So what do you think? What do you think?

Oh, yeah. Shave the head. It's amazing. Well, actually, it looks really, that looks really good, right? I have to say right now, it looks really good. When it went off and the first photo I saw of it, I was shocked what a difference it made. Yeah.

Like, you know, I didn't realize sort of how much your hair was working for you in a way. You know what I mean? No, no. Yeah. You were like, yeah,

my body fits and like, you know, there you are, there you are. And then it's like, Oh my God, you're in chemo. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. There were a few of those comments. I put, I put up the video of my daughter shaving my head. I saw it. It was very funny. And you know what? I thought there was going to be a lot more chemo comments.

There was only like two out of like four. It was literally, there was literally like 500 comments. Wow. Instagram account. Okay. And, uh, and almost none of them said cancer, which I was shocked by. And it was my worst fear. It's the reason why I haven't shaved my head.

It's because I know I'm pasty white, and I know that I look like a light bulb when my hair is short. And so I know I look like the guy from Breaking Bad. Right, exactly. So only two, Kimo, huh? But then 470 AIDS comments. Such a nice crowd. So nice. Yeah, and only a couple

nuclear meltdown comments. Yeah. You'll be next, man. Loved you in Chernobyl. What do you mean I'm next? You got to shave your head, man. It's starting to thin out up there. Some challenge?

No, I'm good. I'm not. I have the worst. You are very lucky you have a, you know, your head shape is like that. Mine,

I already saw it on my dad. No way. Yeah. You got scars up there? I also have that because I remember, you remember, I already saw it on my dad. No way. Yeah. I got to do. You got scars up there? I also have that because I remember, you remember, I don't know if you remember this,

but it was, were you Pete's roommate senior year in college? Yeah. It was senior year also. So I don't know if you remember, he got the shingles. Oh, right.

Right before spring break. So he was getting over the shingles. We go, we decided to go outside the box and off the beaten path to uh venezuela for spring break and yeah i think i drove you guys to the airport yeah you did and i was already starting to get a fever then and then when i got down there the fever was out of control and i was itching and i didn't know what the hell was going on anyway it's kind of

a long story and i eventually had to leave the country and I was lucky to get out and come home because I got the chicken pox at 21 years old. No shit. I did not realize that in have them. So anyway, getting back to what we were talking about, I, there's one little indentation on the end of my nose because I, you know, they put gloves on you. All you want to do is tear these things off your skin. They itch so much. So I tried to itch it gently and this thing fell off my nose and I'm looking in the mirror at this crater, little tiny crater. And I'm like, Oh, well that'll go away. Meanwhile, it's 20 years later and hasn't 30 years later and hasn't. So anyway, but the ones on my head, I'm like, I can itch these fuckers because shit no one will ever see it so I would just scratch like

crazy it felt so great so I'm sure there's a lot of uh I guess they call them pock marks on my head yeah your head is like a scratch ticket you don't really know what's underneath till you take the hair off could be a winner it is no could be a loser I know this is not a winner yeah yeah all right well listen let's get to some news, Mike Gibbons. Let's do it. We're going. Just so you know the technology, we each have a recorder. Mike's is really shitty, and mine is really good because I'm using a microphone.

Yeah. Yours isn't shitty, but it's not a microphone, so it's not going to sound as good as mine. I don't have a microphone. Right, exactly. And we'll see. And then we're using Zoom, the app, the application Zoom, so we can look at each other on our laptop. So I can see that fucked up creator on his nose.

Not really. It's actually pretty good. Maybe I should do all this stuff through Zoom. Is mine lower? Yours looks clearer than mine. Hey, have you experienced any internet sort of slowing down? Oh, yeah, big time. It's a problem.

Imagine if that went away. So I've heard it's a nightmare. I've heard about like the internet going out in some places and now YouTube is going to lower its quality. That's one of the stories. Well, let's go. I'll save it for business. All right, good. Save for business. Here we go. Um, I need a sound effect. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! need a sound effect. Front page, baby. That's a real newspaper. They know at home. This is how it goes. It's a real newspaper. It's a real newspaper. Front page. Number one story. United States of America. We're number one. We are number one. We have the most coronavirus cases of any country in the world. And we came from behind.

Great again. Spain, Italy, China. They had months on us. Right. But that's our spirit. That's the way we do it. China's not going to outdo us. Not a chance.

Yeah, number one. They may have canceled the Olympics, but we got this. And a big shout out to Louisiana. Yeah, the U.S. has 112,000, but five countries exceed 1,700 deaths. The saddest thing is when people, even if you listen to this podcast fresh out of the gate tomorrow, those are such old numbers. Right. That's the saddest part. I forget. I think it's like doubling every few days in New York right now.

Is that what they said? Yeah, every three days, I think the cases. Yeah. Now, Italy, there was one very disturbing stat where, you know, they were hovering in the 600 range. And I'm not speaking lightly about this at all, but they would love to see a plateau of some sort. And then yesterday it went up over 900. And that was disturbing. But the new cases had gone down. So that I think in a weird way is a more important number because, you know, the death rate is going to lag. That's going to remain high because of people who have been sick for weeks. Yeah. So hopefully, because, you know, Italy is a little bit of our canary in a coal mine, although they're not a canary in a coal mine for us

because we're ignoring the canary. We're we're in the mine. The canary's fucking coughing. And we're like, yeah, we have we have more time. Yeah. Let's dig for some more something. You know, in Italy, the the pope. Ah, Papa Francis. Yes. He still give a mass. He went to the Vatican. No. And he performed a mass and it was literally empty. Did you see the pictures of it?

No, but good. It's the fucking Pope standing in, what is it? What's the big square that you stand in there? St. Peter's. Yeah, he's standing at St. Peter's, and he's standing there, and there's nobody, and he's giving this crazy mass, and he said that he wanted to express gratitude to the ordinary people who do not appear in newspaper and magazine headlines.

Doctors, nurses, grocery store workers, and cleaners. And... So does the Pope only read People magazine? What the fuck is he talking about? Or Us magazine? Yeah. People with coronavirus. Yeah.

They're just like us. Popes are just like us. He's waiting for that segment to break out. He's got a Starbucks? Yeah. People with Corona virus. They're just like us. Popes are just like us. He's waiting for that segment to break out. He's got a Starbucks, but he's also hacking up a lung. All right. Yeah. It sounds like a slap to celebrities also. Why? That he's like, I want to just almost like who's getting attention here. Right. Well, it really is the people you don't think of.

Like, well, first of all, now we'll get to that in sports. All right. I get something I want to bring up when we get to sports. Okay, good. All right. Let's also talk about, you know, that ID, that Department of Homeland Security ID that they're saying that everybody needs to have or you're not going to be able to go, you're not going to be able to fly anymore? The new driver's license, for instance, in California? Right.

Yeah. It starts October 1st, 2021. It was supposed to start. Right. They've delayed that by a year. Oh, I didn't know. Good, because I don't have one. Well, you can't because, first of all, the DMV is closed. Well,

you heard it just closed yesterday. Oh, no shit. And the workers were rip shit. The workers were there. And like you go and you know how I mean, usually you're confronted with pretty bad attitude there. Well, it was especially bad because they super resented having to work, but the government was forcing them to. Yeah, they always feel like they're being forced to work. And it always feels like these people of anybody you would think would not want to work. So they were pissed off. But do you remember when I got my TSA pass, we both decided to try to get our TSA passes at the same time. Yeah, global entry.

Yeah. Global entry. And we've both been arrested. You stole a car. Yeah. And I used to get into bar fights and get thrown into jail for the weekend. So you decided you were going to go first, and they shut you down. You stole a car when you were in college, and you for some reason, thought, oh, that's not on my record.

Because I was told I was told, listen, here's the thing. You can't drive a car in New Hampshire for a year and that's it. Then it will be erased from your record. And then so very briefly, I apply for global entry. For those who haven't done it, you go online. And if you get past that, like you don't have a DUI, I think a DUI, does that rule you out even or something? I don't have one, but there's certain things. I think it does.

It does. I think there's certain things where you will be eliminated on the paper, on the online application process. So I get through that. Now, like Greg and I both did. Now I have an appointment at LAX and I go down there and then I get down there and the guy's like, he confirms it's me. We sit down and I, I answered every question, the first two questions by saying the exact wrong thing. So the first one was what happened in Londonderry, New Hampshire in 1988? And I go, what?

By the way, I looked at him for a minute and I go for like literally probably two or three seconds. And I go, what? And he said, and no, he was so sharp. He goes, are you saying what? Because you didn't hear me or because you're thinking why I'm asking that. And so I decide to pick up on his pace and answer just as quickly. And I said, because I'm thinking of why you'm asking that. And so I decide to, to pick up on his pace and answer just as

quickly. And I said, because I'm thinking of why you're asking that. So then he goes, well, why don't you tell me about that? Here's my next answer. I was told that wouldn't be on my record. So he's like, I was told. So he's looking at the screen and I'm, and I, and I'm like, um, I was told. And then I was like, I'm mumbling. I was just like, it wasn't my car. It wasn't someone's car. And he's like, Whoa, slow down. He's like, tell me what happened. I'm like, we friends and I took, took an abandoned car. We were pulled over in New Hampshire. And then we were told, if we pleaded no lo contendere, I left out that there was a chase and that we were then thrown into.

I left out the car chase and that the biggest New Hampshire state trooper I've ever seen in my life pummeled me and threw me so hard on the hood of a car and then took me to jail and I spent the night in jail. And then I would also, you took the car across state lines. Yeah. I don't think that was an issue actually. You know why they can't tell because I didn't know this when I was driving from Boston to Vermont that the car had no license plates on it. So yeah, that was one little- Because you were drunk. Not by the time I got to New Hampshire.

So anyway, they spend the night in jail and then the next morning we go in and then they were trying to help us out. Meanwhile, we were advised, plead no low contender. We did not get a lawyer. It could have been like, okay, you're off to

jail. Like we got these stupid rich bastards from beat Boston university. So anyway, we pleaded that and then, uh, it's, they said it wouldn't be on the record. So I left all that out, but I got to the part where we pleaded no low contendere and all that. So then he goes, okay, so it doesn't say any of that here. It just says and I don't know what the word he used. I don't know if it's arrested. It definitely wasn't. Maybe it's booked. Whatever the term is where you were processed. So he goes, it just says that you were, I'll say, arrested. It just says you were arrested in London, New Hampshire. And it doesn't say why. So then I had to get the paperwork and that was hysterical. New Hampshire had no record of it. Like, ah, honey, that's in the hot files over in storage. And I'm like, what? So their computers couldn't even fucking call it up. So I don't know how global entry did. So I come out of that. Sorry, that took so long. I come out of that saying there's no way you with like six arrests on your record are going to get your

global entry. So we made a bet. I forget how much the bet was. Might've been 50 bucks or something. And I said, I'm going to get it. I think I'm going to get it. Go to the airport. Cocky. I got a blazer on and a tie. And I walk towards Global Entry. I open the door. I walk in, and one of the clerks is sitting there, and he looks at me, and he goes, FitzDawg, big fan of the podcast, big fan of the podcast, loves my stand-up. How can I help you?

I told you they're idiots. And he's at his computer, and he's looking stuff up, and I can see him looking at it, delete, looking at it, delete, looking at it. I walk out of there with my TSA card. Here we go, baby. So you still don't have it? No, no, no. New Hampshire sent me the thing. Okay. And because he goes, if what you tell me, if you can show me what you told me is true, you'll get it. So, and again, he gave me 30 days wow yeah so yeah i got it but all right new deadline is october 1st 2021 uh here's an uplifting story that'll make people feel good uh kidnapping in new mexico took place and uh this kid who was a new mexico A New Mexico high school wrestler walked into the convenience store.

He saw that this guy was with a woman and two kids, three kids. And somehow he knew there was a kidnapping going on. Kid was a wrestler. Fucking wrestled the guy down. No. Pinned him. Pinned him to the ground and held him while they called the cops and i held him down the and say pinned him the entire time it was the it was the sixth

family he pinned down that day he finally lucked out yeah thank god it wasn't another sport what if like what if he was a baseball player and he just had to keep throwing cans of SpaghettiOs at the guy. He's a fencer. He just keeps stabbing him in the corner. Wow, that's wild. So who would kidnap a family now? Well, not only that, but it's like... He's one of those guys who's alone. Not only that, but like, hey, I got to grab some certs. You guys, come on.

We're going to the store. Yeah. No, you leave in the fucking car. Yeah, exactly. They're all shuffling around tied up. This is how I get my family not to touch the plastic in the store. They're all bound. Yeah, right.

Yeah. This is social distancing, people. Yeah. Don't go near. Don't smell that Slurpee. Get over here. Speaking of cuff, we watched last night. I'll save it for the entertainment section

when we always give our recommendations for TV shows and streaming movies. Here's another headline. Did you hear the NRA is suing California over closing gun stores? No. Yes. Oh, no.

That was a headline. That was a front pager. It's unbelievable. Wow. I know. But it's like, dude, are bars suing? I mean, get in line, NRA. Things are closing down.

Right. It's like. It also seems kind of weak for the NRA to do anything except come out with guns blazing. Yeah. People are going to go to court. Yeah. People also have a right to use like the bench press at a gym, but you don't see Jim suing because,

because of people don't have access to the weights anymore. No, people are taking a bit. Well, and also Dan, I forget which States at Ohio and one of the Southern States has, uh, they've made abortion basically illegal.

Oh yeah. i saw that headline right yeah i forget how they got around it but they said it was non-essential i wonder that's crazy that's a i'd say that's a case-by-case basis on that well the woman agrees the baby's non-essential isn't that why she's there this is a third term non-essential. Isn't that why she's there? This is a third term non-essential child. That's nuts. Yeah, people are going to try to capitalize on this, of course. Do you think there'll be a spike? Like, I forget what they call them.

What was that? It's a famous, like there's a wave of babies, like 9-11 babies or Y2K babies or something like, yeah. So I will be, yeah. I wonder if there's going to be a spike on that. Although I don't know if this headline was true. I mean, it was, it looked like a real headline. It wasn't the onion, but something like when China eased their restrictions or whatever, um, the, it was a record number of divorce filings. yeah i sent you that article yeah yeah yeah it was uh it was crazy and they say the same thing has happened in other in other times when

there's been like people shut together the divorce rate skyrockets um also there's a there's a a condom company the biggest condom company in the world. Hold on, I'm looking at it. The condoms are big or the company is big? The company is big and they were considered non-essential. So their factory was shut down and now there's a huge shortage of condoms.

So there will be a population explosion. The condoms thing. I'm wondering what the I had never heard of the story. I'm wondering what the thinking is on non-essential. Like how many people cohabitating do you think are using condoms? I mean, probably that's the worst. I'd say 15%. That's specific. Um, yeah, because I mean, it's not a long-term solution, right? I mean,

I think the main thing that they're like, well, first of all, that means you're still driving across town is what, what I'm getting at is a lot of people are still hooking up. is what I'm getting at. A lot of people are still hooking up. They're bought in three packs. More than... Yeah, right. It's also like... Do you remember having one in your wallet, by the way,

until it fucking made a shape in your leather wallet? No, Greg. Mine were always replaced every two days. I remember the first time I pulled that thing out. It was cracked. All the lubricant had seeped out already. It was pointless. Yeah, ridiculous.

But no, it's not essential because people are dying. And so we're going to need to replenish the population. So they probably stopped condoms because we need the kids. Yeah. And the abortion clinic. Yeah, it's crazy. Speaking of plays that close, I read this headline that the FDA food and drug administration, a government agency, obviously it has announced it's looking past

Easter to reopen. And they're like, you know, your boss says Easter. And they're like, yeah, we know it's going to be after that. Like, like agencies are formally now saying, don't worry about him. Like ignore the president. Like that's starting now, which is so great. Now he's Michael from the office. Like everybody goes about their business. They sell paper and they ignore whatever he says. And again, all right. To the, to the, uh, right-leaning listeners, are we allowed like it, by the way, if Obama was doing this, I would be fucking rip shit on Obama. Just saying things like we're going to,

if Obama said we're going to open on Easter, like, are we allowed to criticize that? Obviously we're allowed. Do we lose listeners? Cause I know that's a thing. Podcast listeners. As soon as you start banging on the right,

they, they, they don't want to hear it anymore, but we're allowed to have this discourse about a guy who's ignoring scientists and is continually even changing. He's he's not admitting he's wrong. He keeps changing his story because he keeps being wrong. Right. Well. I don't know. I'll leave it at that. Should we move to international? Yeah. Wait, in defense of Trump, you ready? Oh, this is international, I guess. In defense of Trump, I'm going to miss this guy if he starts saying everything right,

because I thought about it. Cuomo is awesome to go to, Governor Cuomo in New York, because he'll give a press conference, essentially refuting a lot of what the president says, right? So that's delicious. And you go there and it's also drama and it's great. And there's conflict. And then you go to the president and he says some stuff about his timeline. But this is the way I look at it. In my mind, I then said, all right, what if I took away Trump with his positive spin? And like, it's going to be Easter. We're going to be great. We got this. Everyone's going to be out there. We got to get to work. In fact, I'm going to look at regions of the country right now. Right now, I'm going to free up regions of the country. You fuckers, you all go to work. And I'm like, if you took that guy away

and now it's just doom and gloom. Gloom is Cuomo. And, you know, doom is the president. It's like, it would be so depressing. It's kind of like being in a life raft. You need that one guy in the life raft who's like, I see land. It's right there.

It's like, Jimmy, that's not land. That's like, that's like i see land it's right there it's like jimmy there's that's not land that's like that's a mirage no no let's keep let's keep paddling we're gonna let lands probably like you know a day away you take that guy out of lifeboat then there's no hope i don't want a life right full of me right no it's uh it's george in uh silent in uh of mice and men oh yeah yeah tell. Tell me about the rabbits. Well, there's going to be rabbits. Yeah. There's going to be a garden.

Please tell me about the rabbits. We're all going to go to concerts at Easter. By the way. It's going to be beautiful. I don't think I told the story on the podcast, but I told you. So Olivia in her school, they read of Mice and Men. She's in eighth grade. They read of Mice and Men.

And then they watched. And then she came home. She's like, you know, after we all finish it, they let us as a class, we watched the movie. And I'm like, oh, my God, that's so great. Is it the one? Did you watch the one with Malkovich? And she's like, yes. She's like, his accent was so amazing. And I thought about it for a second. I'm like, what? I wonder what accent Malkovich used so i was like oh exactly i'm like was it southern she's like no retarded so i guess it was like tell me about the rabbits you know he probably i don't know how he did it that's a big choice to make though i mean we grew up to bugs bunny remember bugs bunny had him in it hey Hey, George,

tell me about, like they did that. Right. Did you see Curb when he, when Richard Lewis was playing a mentally challenged person? Oh no, I didn't. In a play. I think it was, oh, it was of Mice and Men. I think it was of Mice and Men. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah. And, and they, they show up night after night just to laugh at them oh that's yeah it's like the producers that's great all right here's a big um international story what section i didn't hear the section international baby there it is uh a woman who is 101 years old in it'll know a woman i mean sorry a man 101 year oldold Italian man reportedly survived the corona, or he survived COVID, not corona. Got COVID. Turns out, same guy beat the Spanish flu back in 1918.

No. Yes! He, you know, which killed 50 million people. And I think it was like one in one in five people in Europe died of the Spanish flu? Because there was no passenger air travel. So there are questions about how it spreads so fast around the world, because if you're a guy with the virus and you're going to give it to Australia, well, guess what? It takes two weeks for you to start spreading around Australia. Well, it was because it was during World War One. And I believe the virus actually started in America and it was some troops in America World War One. And I believe the virus actually started in America. And it was some troops in America got it.

They went over to Europe and it spread around Europe. And the reason it's called the Spanish flu, in a cruel irony, is that Spain was the only country to step up and say, yes, we have this pandemic. They all went fucking Spanish flu. They were the only ones honest with their numbers and they were right and they were they were bigger than any numbers being reported anywhere but yeah and then it turns out it was actually way less numbers than most countries who were being dishonest so then troops were catching it on the front lines and they were going home on their little uh uh you uh, you know, on their breaks

and spreading it to everybody. I heard a very interesting thing also about that. So like a regular flu, and I guess also the Spanish flu, but the regular flu has an interesting thing is it mutates and it changes the flus. Uh, unlike most things in nature, the flu's strongest strains actually die out earlier because they're so strong they isolate people naturally, like the person can't get out of bed. So he doesn't move. The person doesn't move from their home or hospital or wherever they are, where the weaker strains of the virus actually spread, migrate and spread everywhere because people are walking around with it and still traveling. It was very, it was very, and then the only exception of that was during world war one and world war one,

when guys were in the trenches and they would get it, they were moved and they were, um, they were put in a certain, whatever the mobile unit or they were then brought into Paris or into wherever was treating them. And so that was and that was a manmade movement of the virus. And that's one of the few exceptions to where the strongest strains of a virus actually moved, traveled, traveled. Right. Interesting. Mike gibbons uh so much information about this coronavirus you you are uh i can't my friends i would say you're the guy that's the most you seem to be going down the rabbit hole every day for hours and hours well i can't masturbate all day it's about half the day and so uh you know and i haven't started doing all that typing

with one hand it's amazing i haven't the weird thing is I'm masturbating to Wikipedia pages on plagues. I know. I wonder if that's going to be a new porn. There's gotta be Corona porn at this point, right? Oh, I know. Right.

Uh, but just, just being able to get within six feet of somebody is getting you turned on. It's, this is a game changer, man. Yeah. It's, it's wild.

But let me say this. This will be the one podcast, and we promise you this. We will never say, but in all seriousness, be careful out there. All right, because you just did. Let's have that one count.

All right. Sweden, not scared. Apparently, Sweden is not honoring all of the social distancing. They've still got bars and pubs and restaurants open, grade schools. They did shut their high schools and colleges, but they left open preschools and grade schools. Sweden. Sweden. Meanwhile, Denmark and all the other Scandinavian countries all have been actually really aggressive about shutting stuff down. But the numbers between those countries, the same. What's going on? I don't know. There's less. There's the same amount of coronavirus, same amount of deaths in each of those countries. But that, you know, that could change, could change very fast. Well, one of the biggest factors in the statistics are the testing.

Like America, we had passed China so long ago, but we don't have tests. So that's how you keep the number down. Right. It's like your kid's elementary school. That's exactly right. We don't find out how far behind they are in school until around fifth grade when they finally get tested. There were no tests until they were in what grade? I don't know. They don't like tests. Pure Waldorf doesn't like tests. Luckily, ours was a hybrid in a way because it was a charter school, which means it's a public school. So they had to get tested. But, you know, my dumb joke used to be I'm a proud parent of a fifth grader who reads at a second grade level. And

they would they would make those bumper stickers and sell them if I gave them the idea. They were proud of that. Yeah. Did you. My daughter is doing a zero homework, by the way. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. She is just like, she thinks it's a vacation. And we have to be like, no, spring break's next week. You're still in school every day.

You hear Oregon, University of Oregon, I guess, has waived the requirement of SATs because none of the kids can take it. Oh, no shit. Before applying. Or if they do take it it's in an unfair circumstance of like being rushed or not having the ability to get the tutoring and you

know all that stuff right so optional i guess maybe is what they've made it which is the first time i was hung over for mine on like four hours sleep my sat SAT test. It's classic. You were afraid of failure. Yep. Yeah. So you gave yourself an out. As I sit doing my third podcast. All right. What are we up to?

What are we doing? Okay. Entertainment. You got some entertainment news for us, Mike? I do. I do. Let me look through the paper here. Hooray for Hollywood.

Chrissy Teigen, right? We like her. She's a friend. She's a friend. I've worked with her. Yeah, no. Super cool. Weird thing. She posted on Twitter. Doesn't like her her. Yeah, no, super cool. Yeah. Weird thing. She posted on Twitter. Doesn't like her feet. Doesn't like her feet. Oh, my God.

You went there with her? We were shooting something with her when she was in a swimsuit, and she kept her socks on until we were shooting, and she didn't want anybody looking at her feet. Wow. Yep. And you know me. You know me, Mike. Sadly, I know this part about you. I like a good foot. So she posted on Twitter that she needed romaine lettuce and she goes, I'll make banana bread for anyone that has romaine lettuce.

The trade will be made six feet apart and we will place the goods on the floor. No funny business. And we will place the goods on the floor. No funny business. So then she finds someone with romaine lettuce. And then she and John Legend drive, meet the guy in a parking lot. And then they put the banana bread in one of their children's toy little plastic cars that was in the back of the SUV. And rolled it across to the guy who then put his lettuce into the thing and rolled it back to them. But did they did they rinse the sperm off the lettuce leaves or did they?

So as a YouTuber who I never heard of, but I think I think he's gay and he and his boyfriend met them. But like, first of all, the stories you read is the virus can live on plastic so long. So this whole, you don't need a kid's toy fucking car to go across six feet. You might as well go over and just hug the guy and then grab the thing from him and then go wash yourself like crazy. Cause you're getting the bag with all the, if there's a virus, it's on the bag anyway. And now you're bringing that into your car and, uh, and they grabbed the bag immediately with no gloves on. Anyway, whatever. But the other thing is, how bad could you need romaine lettuce? You can't just deal with whatever lettuce. Lettuce is 90% water.

Who gives a shit what kind of lettuce it is? Let me tell you something, Mike. You work in the entertainment industry for how many years now? I don't know. Do you not understand how a celebrity pulls a fucking publicity stunt you think those two idiots are gonna eat that romaine lettuce they they they're dying for content on their social media so they set up this little stunt they meet somebody in a parking lot they do something cute with a kid's toy and here i am talking about it like a jackass. Come on. Oh my God.

Come on, Mike. All right. Other news. Ozark season three started it last night. Oh shit. Yep. Love that. Love Ozark.

I mean, but so listen, you're, maybe you're not Jason Bateman, but meaning like, I don't want to call him out cause I don't know this to be true, but when you are editing that a month and a half ago and you see this virus coming, cause trust me, I don't know, you know, what our listeners, you know, sort of, uh, how many of them all walks of life, I bet all types of occupations, trust me, every industry, when they saw how real this was getting and that there was going to be shutdowns, it's all about inventory. It's all about the line of production. Entertainment is no different. I was on a Netflix show with Bert Kreischer when this happened. We are almost done. We're getting notes on all our episodes. they're trying to find a way like crazy to just give up on notes. And like,

is there any way we can get what we have ready to air B? And so when Ozark saw this coming and they knew they had, like, we're putting the polish, you know, the polish on it, the finishing touches, they must've been so psyched. Same with tiger King,

anything that's coming out now. Yeah. Like Grey's Anatomy just had to just had to call it a day. They didn't get to their finale, I think. Yeah. I tell you, if we're going to jump, we'll jump into our streaming recommendations. Ozark is one of the best shows in the last 10 years by far. Is it Laura Linney?

Is that the actress? Yeah. She's amazing. the daughter's great oh and uh no the young uh god i should know her name because she was in the americans also she's one of the most unbelievable actresses right it's incredible she's the blonde one yeah yeah yeah she's incredible um check that out There's also, I would first tell you to read, there's these books by this Italian author named Ilana Ferrante. And she came out with these books called,

it's a series, it's like five of them, called My Beautiful Friend. And they are the most beautiful, exquisite, well-written books. It's all about relationships. And it's about these two girls and how they grew up together. And it's about their relationship. And, you know, doesn't sound like it would be in my wheelhouse, but it's, I mean, so they make a series out of it. And it is one of those series where you go like, it would have been impossible for me to think it

could have been as good as the books. It's amazing. So what's it called? My Beautiful Friend. It's on HBO. If anybody needs my pass, just email me at fitzdogradio at gmail.com. I'll save my HBO pass. It's like Biden almost gave out his cell phone number on an interview with Anderson Cooper. Oh, well, you know, Norm MacDonald is doing another podcast and he had Adam Egan on it. Yeah, I saw. Yeah. Did you see that he put Adam's phone number out on the podcast? Oh, no, I didn't see that part. Because the podcast is him holding up the phone instead of having video cameras. He's holding up the phone and it's got Adam's number written across it. Right. Because he doesn't memorize.

Norm doesn't put anyone's name in his phone. Right. Yeah. And by the way, as speaking of shout outs mike's twitter because a bunch of people have been tweeting about the show and they haven't been including mike's uh handle it's at gibbons time g-i-b-b-o-n-s-t-i-m-e and also starting this week we now have the social media for Sunday Papers. And what are the handles for Twitter? I should have written that down.

I think it's on Instagram. It's Sunday Papers Podcast. Hold on. You sent it to me. And then on Twitter, it's Sunday Papers Pod. Is that right? Do I have that right? one of them limits how many characters you can put in your handle

yeah the Twitter is Sunday Papers Pod and uh Instagram is Sunday Papers Podcast right Sunday Paperer Podcast really good consistency

no unless you wrote right probably good luck fighting at people who the fuck knows also the podcast you may be listening to uh to it on the fitz dog radio feed or you may be listening it to the new uh to it on the on its own sunday papers feed on itunes or wherever you get your podcasts. But, um, if not now within the next couple of days, it'll be available on its own feed. So check that out and,

uh, and follow us. Make sure you follow us on those, social media outlets. Um, one more entertainment story. You know, YouTube is reducing its video quality.

more. I'm sorry. Just to go back other shows to recommend. Oh yeah. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Just to go back. Other shows to recommend. Oh, yeah. I'd never seen the Eric Andre show before from Adult Swim. Oh, okay. It's on Hulu.

It's so fucking funny. I sat up until 3 o'clock in the morning. The first night I saw it, I started at 11 o'clock and I sat up until 3 o'clock in the morning. Really? Laughing I saw it, I started at 11 o'clock and I sat up until three o'clock in the morning. Really? Laughing my fucking balls off. Have you seen it?

No. It's, they're 15 minute episodes because it's Adult Swim. Right. And every one of them starts off with him running onto his set and destroying the set,

collapsing the desk, throwing himself onto the drummer. He knocks the drummer over. All right. Every time. It's hard to describe the insanity and the silliness of the show, but he's so fucking talented.

So that's my recommendation. I think I was in that studio once shooting something next door. Does he have some Italian actor as his sidekick? No, his sidekick or. No, his sidekick is Hannibal Buress. Oh, OK. No, I haven't seen it.

OK. I want to see it. Anyway, billions, billions on Showtime. What else have I watched? I have such a bad memory and it's all blending. I'm watching too much is the problem. Did you watch the Tiger one? Totally. That that dominates my my thoughts regarding what i've seen that was really i think we already talked about that one right yep we did well i i think we were doing a podcast the

day it came out and i and i saw it and i watched the first episode and loved it i've seen the whole thing since and now my daughters have to, um, but there's some good stuff. Ozark. I'm trying to think what else I've seen. Oh, well, I started a thing where I'm watching a documentary a day.

Yeah. And, uh, tiger King was a bunch of those days, but, uh, I finally watched Harlan County USA, which was amazing about the coal miner strike in Kentucky.

It won the Oscar. Oh yeah. Yep. And then, oh yeah, yeah. A barbacoppel. It was, it's always been on my list. It's pretty amazing. And then the next day I watched gray gardens. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I had never seen that. I'm very mixed about it. Cause I think it was very exploitive. I think to people going to watch it now, they'll be like, oh yeah, this is OK, because everyone knows what hoarders are now. Yeah, no, that was no one had was aware that there were people like that or very few people unless you had one in your family. Yeah. Like not only hoarders, by the way, are all hoarders shut ins or is that a generalization? Now hoarders can go out. Okay.

Well, these, these women did not go out. And then, then there's a newer documentary on them called That Summer, which is Andy Warhol. So Jackie Onassis is, it's all out on Long Island, by the way, this whole Grey Gardens, it's in East Hampton and Montauk's nearby. And Jackie O's sister decided to do the documentary. That's how Grey Gardens started. And she hired two cameramen, the brothers, Mizels or whatever their name is. And they're the ones that did Grey Gardens two years later. But they started the documentary. And anyway, that footage just came out in the last few years. So that's wow. That's really interesting. Also called That Sunday. And if you haven't seen a documentary now

that does a spoof of Grey Gardens, which is of the series, that's the best spoof that they do, but it's a fucking brilliant, it's Bill Hader and Fred Armisen, and they do spoofs of famous documentaries. It is like a testament to two of the best character actors

live today. Really, really good. So, um, anyway, I recommend that cause I feel a little better about myself cause there's a big, I've seen a lot of documentaries. I mean, people can write in with their recommendations, but I've seen almost all the usual suspects, but I do have real lapses. Like I've never seen Jesus camp. I've never seen a lot. I've never seen like the Metallica that involves the psychiatrist. I hear that's really good.

I heard the rush documentary on Netflix is excellent, even if you're not a huge rush fan, which I'm not, but I heard it's great. I just saw the one about the the clown that was a pedophile. Oh, yeah.

I started rewatching that this week because I forgot about it. Yeah, yeah. Capturing the Freedmen's. Capturing the Freedmen's is amazing. I saw that in a theater. I used to see documentaries in theaters because I'm 90. No, because I live by Film Forum in New York. Yeah.

I live between Film Forum and what was the other one? It starts with a K. Oh, God. Jesus. I'm really losing it. Anyway, I live smack in the middle of those two theaters, which are about eight blocks apart.

And I would go see them. Oh, God. I saw Brothers Keeper there. I saw tons of them. It was great. This is one more entertainment story, which you sent to me, which I thought we should bring up.

And it was about this... It was a good profile. Just look it up on The New York Times. But there was a woman named Annie Sprinkle, who was a 1970s porn star. And she's now a sex educator and a longtime Dodson Dodson disciple. Oh, Tom. I didn't send you that. I'm like, when the hell did I send you that? Oh, Tom said that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. But I saw her. I saw her on Gwyneth Paltrow's show.

Yeah. And it shows her bring a woman to orgasm using a vibrator. And it goes deep into it. But, see that. So to speak.

Did you see that episode of Goop or whatever it is on Netflix? I think it's Netflix. It's a series now. Goop has a it is on Netflix? I think it's Netflix. It's a series now? Goop has a series? Yeah. So what it is is- If people don't know what Goop is, which I'm sure everybody does, but Gwyneth Paltrow started

her own brand and it started with a magazine of extremely high end sort of pseudo spiritual- Self care. Self care, pro feminists, and it then turned into stores i went into a goop store once and i i asked for the there's a goop store yeah there's one in uh i was in san francisco and uh i asked for the candle that smelled like a vagina and they asked me to leave yeah that's a real thing they asked asked me to leave. Yeah. Huh? They have. There is such a candle, but they didn't like that.

I was asking for it. And I guess I was laughing because I was with my friend. So what the show is from I like I watched that episode because I saw it online. People were all talking about it. And then there was another one, some retreat in Mexico, like yoga or whatever. So they'll take a topic, some topic. And this one was female masturbation. I think that was the topic. That's the headline.

That's what screams at you anyway. And basically it's they they force her employees to do all this stuff. And then Gwyneth comes in for like wraparound day. This is what it seems like to me. And she sits there and they talk about stuff and then it cuts to the real work that's being done, which is, you know, her employees, you know, doing going through this stuff, whether it's crying on these retreats in Mexico, yoga, like spiritual retreats or any of that stuff. So this one, and they showed a lot of vaginas in closeup to show you how different they are now. Yeah. And I think the, I think that whatever, it seemed like they pulled from a, an older pool of volunteers who were maybe more comfortable with their bodies.

That's my takeaway. They definitely take on more character as they age. Yeah. It's like a face in that way. So anyway, it's pretty shocking, that episode. You don't see Gwyneth. By the way, it's called. You don't see Gwyneth.

No. It's called The Goop the goop lab and uh that that's that's what my bedroom would look like after this episode um so check that out all right all right let's do some uh let's do some business yeah business. Yeah. Do I have business here? Oh, Amazon warehouses are getting hit with the virus. Eleven so far. It's probably 40 by tomorrow. Staten

Island was one. I think you can just count on viruses coming from the Staten Island plant no matter what. Normally STDs. And then the Queens one temporary temporarily closed. But I guess the story is Amazon, you know, you're friendly Amazon with a smile. Isn't a smile, their logo, like on their boxes, you know, they're obviously you're not number one,

unless you're brutal. Apparently there's a frontline about Bezos and Amazon, and you'll never want to order from Amazon again. If you watch it, I have not watched it though. I just like spreading that news. But, um, the complaint is that like in Staten Island and the other ones, the employees are like, wait, what do you mean? What do you mean the virus is here? And it's like, oh yeah, they found out like a week and a half ago. It's like, what? And no transparency within the company, no transparency to the outside media. They are like just trying to manage it better and keep that flow going because they, you know, normally they're 34 percent or something of the online merchants of all business. And so that's spiking now, big time. And they're overwhelmed

and they're hiring and all that. So the company that is sending messengers out to your home could possibly all be exposed to this virus. Well, and all the boxes. And it can live on plastic for a disturbingly long amount of time. And to be serious for a moment, everybody. Oh, boy. No. Good. But you should leave your box outside. When you open your box, leave it outside.

So my stepsister heard from a doctor friend of hers in New York who's on the front line. And I guess she said, I haven't heard this, though, that Queens is a nightmare. Really? That Queens is the worst part of New York right now. Wow. And that the rest of New York is heading nightmare. Really? That Queens is the worst part of New York right now. Wow. And that the rest of New York is heading there,

but Queens is a mess. I wonder why Queens. It's all subway riders in Queens. It's also, I mean, remember, you know, all in the family and stuff? It was like the houses are on top of each other. Like, I think Queens is cramped. You could literally be in your house

and not be observing social distancing by being next to the house next to you. Yeah. You could be within six feet of your neighbor while you're both in your houses. Well, there's stories of people passing from one window to the next. Like, you know, here's, you know, whatever it is. Yeah. Kids passing stuff. So anyway, so there's that story.

I don't know. I don't know why Queens is the worst. How different is Queens than Brooklyn? Obviously, you know, the character's that story. I don't know why Queens is the worst. How different is Queens than Brooklyn? Obviously, the character is slightly different, but in terms of geography and I don't know why. Queens is the most ethnically diverse of any place in the world. So it's those people. Yep.

Got it. Yep. Any other business, Mike? Yes, Dyson Vacuums. You know Dyson? Sure. The hand dryers and the vacuums, they've stepped up. They are going to make 15,000 ventilators.

Um, and the guy, British guy, Dyson is stepping up and promising that, and he's going to turn them around as quickly as possible. Like he's like sort of kind of coming in to save the day in a way. It's not going to go into the hospital. You're just going to see a fucking vacuum cleaner turned upside down with a,

with a mask on it. And they put it on your face and they just hit the switch. They alternate between suck and blow and they just get your fucking lungs going. You're breathing more than anybody, more than those other ventilators, no bag, nothing.

Right. And between patients, they're getting a little, getting some cobwebs No bag, nothing. Right. In between patients, they're getting some cobwebs out of the corner. Yeah. And it's the most fashionable ventilator. All the rich people want it. I got, that was one of the things when I worked at the Ellen DeGeneres show,

which by the way, I don't know if you saw this, but there was a, there was, I think it was a Twitter kind of a thread that went around that was about people bashing Ellen DeGeneres for being a mean person and pretty ruthless. And it was a lot of the same stories over and over again about her not making eye contact with people and firing people pretty indiscriminately.

And people of course kept tagging me cause I used to work for her and I just had to write NDA. I can't, I had a non-disclosure agreement. I can't talk about it. I think I have one of those also. Yeah. course kept tagging me because i used to work for her and i just had to write nda yeah i had non-disclosure agreement i can't talk about it i think i have one of those also yeah so we can't talk about it but um i can tell a positive ellen degenera story yeah great want me to do it it's a quick one well i was going to bring it up just because uh we used to do a thing on the show called the 12 days of christmas where she where they would give away gifts to the audience every day. And the gifts were like fucking crazy.

And because we were both producers on the show, we used to get whatever they were giving the audience that day. Which is illegal, by the way. I think that's illegal. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. You can't. Because otherwise you'd favor like, well, who's going to give me a, you know, a Ms. Pac-Man machine if we're giving those away? Yeah. You can't. Yeah. Yeah. You can't because otherwise you'd favor like, well, who's going to give me a, you know,

a Ms. Pac-Man machine if we're giving those away. Yeah. So I got a Dyson vacuum cleaner. I got this super expensive mattress box spring. I got an iPod before anybody had iPods. I got this home stereo system. Like every day I'd come home from work and Aaron would be waiting for me in the driveway.

Like, what do we get? I know. Because it was like Oprah's favorite things. But she does it at Christmas. Yeah. The quick one was, and this is why it's a positive Ellen story, because she told it to me.

So she goes, I go, you're really like a dog nut. She's like, yeah. And we were talking about it at one point. She's like, no, sometimes you're really like a dog nut. She's like, yeah. And we were talking about at one point, she's like, no, sometimes, yeah, like I take it too far. She's like, the other day I was driving home. She was driving up through the hills to get home and it was pouring rain, like really coming down. And she saw this dog and it was so sad, like out by the sidewalk. And it's like soaking wet. So she pulls over, she looks around, doesn't see anything. She calls the dog over, puts it in the back of her car. She takes it home. They then like give the dog a bath. They wash it. They like

blow dry this. They like take care of it. It's doing fine. They feed it. They look at its tag. They see the phone number. So then they call the owner and like, listen, you know, we have great news. You know, we found your dog. The family's like, oh my God. Thank you. The family had been freaking out. They're like, thank God. Thank God. This is so unlike him. It's like we were terrified. We were just sure he was hit by a car.

And he's like, no, no, no. What's your address? I'll come bring it to you. It's like, I get the address. I'm driving and I slow down. And as I'm pulling up, I realized I had taken the dog off his own lawn. She stole the dog. By the way, think about how guilty she looked,

looking around, looking around, and then putting the dog in the back of her car. What a gift, though, to have Ellen DeGeneres take your dog, shampoo it, and bring it right back to your house again. Yeah. Well, that's what she does with new dogs that she buys, too. Hey, now. Hey, now. NDA.

Well, no, that's public. That's public. Yeah. Let's do some sports. Sing it. We will, we will rock you. All right. What do you got? Oh, yeah, I'm sports.

I'll give you one. I got one sports story for you. Well, it's not so much a story, but basically athletes are trying to figure out how to stay in shape right now. And they've got all these Zoom kind of workouts that the teams are doing where the trainers are trying to get equipment and send it to them like medicine balls and workout bands and stuff they can do from home

and then do the workouts. But I was just thinking about this. How bad is football going to be this year? These guys will have all lost like 40 pounds. They're going to have no speed. It's going to be hilarious. And maybe not even the fans to cheer them. I mean, listen, a lot of, a lot of scientists are saying the idea that 90,000 people will get together in September is, is a pipe dream. Well, there goes my shows in Cleveland. is is a pipe dream well there goes my shows in cleveland maybe maybe no maybe small groups can gather greg um well i don't really have sports there was i don't have any jokes on it but i

guess post malone is organizing this beer pong tournament and he just got gronk and he has a lot of nfl guys and uh basketball and it's going to be this COVID-19 beer fundraiser. It's a virtual, I don't know how they're doing it. It's a virtual beer pong tournament. Now, I don't know the virtual part. I mean, maybe you set up the cups where the other people would be. I guess you don't need them there, depending on what version of beer pong you play. Now, in beer pong, you drink, right? If the other people make it in, you have to drink. I doubt the word beer would be in the title if that weren't the case. Yeah. Yeah. Because they don't. Yeah. I mean, you could drink. They don't call it the Beer

Kentucky Derby or the the Gimlet Kentucky Derby or whatever. What's the drink of the Kentucky Derby? the Gimlet Kentucky Derby or whatever. What's the drink of the Kentucky Derby? Juleps. Yeah. But, but, you know, so, so I think it, it has, if it's in the title, I think it's part of the game, the bourbon divorce. Right. So anyway, that's going on. But, you know, one other thing I thought about was, you know, I'm not, it's a terrible thing to say, but, and I'm not in any way saying this gleefully, but I was never, ever a fan of Kobe Bryant and all that. But, uh, I was going to get sick. It was a beautiful service. I actually loved it. I want to go on record that they had in Staples center, but it was continuing to go on. And this town was really like, it was on all

the buses and it was really and every time they stepped into celebrating what a what a good person he was as well you know i took a little issue with that anyway oh my god there is like talk about that this virus is obviously it's put things in perspective but it also this virus has killed any stories before it. Yeah, it's like like Weinstein's hat. Anyone's happy about it. Like, what's his name? I just read a headline the other day.

Cosby wants to get out of jail because I'm like, oh, yeah, that guy. Like, it's just you forget everything. How about the fact that Bernie Sanders still hasn't conceded to Joe Biden? We just forgot the Democrats are running. I know you hear that by the way. What's his name? It's the oldest political trick in the book. But because Cuomo is gaining popularity, Andrew Cuomo in New York, you know, there's chatter like that's a leader, like everyone's comparing him to Trump and all that. And so there's all this chatter that him for president, like it's not too late. Oh yeah.

And most of that chatter is coming from the right. And it's the, one of the oldest political strategies ever is you like, this is like pure evil back in 94. I forget when it was, no, it must've been the eighties, Jesse Jackson, the African-American, um, you know, you know, legend and organizer and civil rights leader. He was making a run for president and he was officially running and maybe it was Mondale at the time. I, I don't remember, but the right, the Republicans secretly funded his campaign. To split the vote?

To split the vote. And they knew he had, not only that, they wanted him to even win the nomination because he would have no chance against the Republican. No, I know that a lot of people want to admit Romney to run against Trump. Trump's running uncontested this year. And that's not a certainty. You know, with an incumbent, somebody can challenge him. And that's not a certainty. You know, with an incumbent, somebody can challenge him.

And for some reason, nobody on the Republican side, no conservative, wanted to challenge Donald Trump, which is crazy because his favorability ratings have never really gone above like 40 percent, 45 percent. But people got in line. Yeah. It would have been really bad for Trump to have somebody run against him. No, you're right it's a tough time to run any campaign i mean who knows what's going to happen it's so crazy i know it's not crazy yeah it's time for the sunday comics mike oh my god it's everybody's favorite i was gonna say this this virus is a republicans do not It's targeting their demo in terms of age.

Right. The older voters is definitely targeting them. All right. What do we got? All right. We got first of all, my boy, Andy Kapp, who. Oh, wait. No. Let's start with Kathy. Kathy, if you don't follow that cartoon. I don't. Is it's she's this it's this old cartoon. It's she's this it's this old cartoon. And the author is this woman who's like she makes the women from Sex and the City seem intelligent and forward thinking. It's always about her being overweight, can't get a guy. And it's like it's the last one you would want your daughters to ever read.

Wow. All right. So in the first frame, I wish I could hold this up and show it to the camera. I should be able to. Why wouldn't you? But I'm actually reading the online version of it. Her therapist is, or maybe it's her friend, could be her therapist. She goes, that does it, Kathy. You're coming to my Women of Today Club tonight. You just can't go on living for what you

think men want from you. And then Kathy gets up and she goes, where are you going? And Kathy goes, I want to change clothes in case there are any cute guys there. So what are these in a time capsule? Like, that's a serious question. Like, Are these in a time capsule? That's a serious question. Is it old and on repeat? Yeah, well, that's the thing about a lot of these comics is they're on repeat. I think this one originally came out in like 1977.

But correct me if I'm wrong, 77 was the height of the women's movement, wasn't it? Oh, I grew up in a house that had a stack of Ms. Magazines with my single mom. And yeah, she had a lot of friends like that. Yeah. And I bet she was masturbating in the next room with one of those goop things. Lovely. Andy Capp, my favorite. I think you love Andy Capp too. What's his deal again?

He's the British guy. He's a little British guy and his cap is pulled over his face and he's a drunk. And all he wants to do is bet on the horses. Oh, yeah, yeah horses. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that guy. Yeah.

He's a little, he like lives on the East side of London and he's got this wife. Someone should tell Kathy about him. What's that? Someone should tell Kathy about him. Is Andy married? Andy's married to a woman. I can't remember her name,

but, uh, but she, she's like the roller that she's the quint the quintessential roller pin wife in the cartoons. It's like threatening the guy with the roller pin, but still puts up with him no matter what. And so in the first frame, it's him with a suitcase standing outside of their front door. He's grizzled. He's clearly been thrown out of the house, and now he's trying to make his way back.

And she says, how can I be sure you've changed? He says, I saw your mother on the street today. And she says, yes. And he said, and when I waved to her,

I used all my fingers. And she says, I'll put on the kettle. And he's back in. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's not bad. No, handicap's always good. Oh, okay.

I love handicap. Yeah. No, I mix in the good ones with the bad ones. Okay. And then I think you know which one we close with. No. Well, blondie is what we close with. Oh, yeah.

Here's another good one. This is the far side. Oh, well, please. Go ahead. It's great. The best. The best. Which one? good one this is the far side oh well please it's perfect god it's great the best the best which one there's an there's an old man with a with a red cape on and thick bottle glasses and a hat and he's standing on the ledge of an open window and he looks back at his old wife

who's got gray hair and a house dress and she's looking back at him and he says dang where was i going again i like it oh and the caption is superman in his later years yeah all right did you need the caption i didn't need it i didn't need it but it helps it helps that he's not a disillusioned uh superman i like no it's the real superman yeah that's great yeah uh all All right. All right. So we're going to do Family Circle, Circus, Circus. No, we're not there yet, Mike. Oh, okay. We still have Hager the Horrible, who you also love.

I love Hager. Hager's the old Viking. You know, he's a rapist. Yeah. And there's a comic strip about him. And so in this one, in the first, there's only two frames. Do what you love. That's what his parents told him. what you love and that's what he does right and dad did it and your dad before him did it and where do you think i came from he raped me when i was 14

and in the first frame it's a guy and his young bride and she's this kind of voluptuous blonde and she's beautiful and they're standing in front of a castle. The castle has a sign out front that says sold and the guy is saying to his wife we have our castle! I told you if we worked hard and were patient our ship

would come in. And then she turns around and Hager is coming out of the ocean on a ship with a bunch of other guys and they have their swords out. And she goes, another ship just came in dot, dot, dot.

There's no third frame because it's, I don't think the Gannett newspapers could show rape. Oh no. No, boy. Just my luck. Look what shape. Look what ship came in. The rape ship. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Just my luck. Look what shape. Look what ship came in.

The rape ship. Oh, Hager. You think there used to be like little talk shows when back in those times where they're like, we sent out the paternity test and you are not the rapist. And you are the rapist. And you are the rapist. Ah, shit. Or it wouldn't mean anything, I guess. It's time, Mike.

Time for Family Circus. So I had an idea because these fucking things are so disconnected from what's written. Just read me the caption and I'm going to try to guess what's in the picture. Okay.

I can't see it. The caption is... Okay, I can't wait for this gem. My favorite story is about that puppet named Pinocchio Nose. That's the caption. Pinocchio Nose. Yeah. My favorite story is about that puppet

named Pinocchio Nose. Well, this is the point. The picture is probably them walking a fucking dog where it has nothing to do with that. But let me make it... So what is it? My favorite story is what? Is about that puppet named Pinocchinos.

I can't even imagine what the fucking thing is. Go ahead. What is it? It's actually pretty literal. They're standing in front of a bookshelf and she's got a she's holding up a book in front of the boy. I think his name is Billy. And but the joke, Mike, you're not getting the joke. There's Pinocchio.

His nose would grow when he lied. And so she's truncated it and called it Pinocchio's. You know, like, because kids sometimes say really cute shit. It took him, again, 40-hour week, one strip a week. Bill, Jeff Keen is the guy's name. And I don't even think he does the illustrations. I think he just comes up with the caption. But like while you're there,

as long as you're farming out bullshit, why wouldn't you just be like, my favorite story is Humpty Egg. My favorite story is Little, you know, whatever. Fucking Little Red Riding Hood actually already does it. Little Red Eden by Wolf. Like just fucking me. Since they don't matter,

just fucking write 30 of them. I mean, maybe that's what he did. And then he's like, hey, remember to space out my pieces of shit that are about old, like kids' storybooks. Remember to space those out.

Like, you know, don't run two in a row while they'll catch on to the fact that I'm not working. It's literally, the quality of it is as if he were writing an entire book per day right he had to

fill a hundred pages it's oh my god so i had a thought you know maybe i shouldn't be so disdainful of the son who's continued continue this tradition imagine if you were a son of a piece of shit guy who had no sense of humor, but created this industry. And then you had to like keep doing it. You know what I mean? Like you have to. And then it's like, you know, I can, I can do these a little better than my dad. Nope. Don't mess with the brand.

He cornered the market on absolute trash. And so he has to though, continue in the father's stupid footsteps. Maybe that's maybe that's what's going on. I don't know. Should I mention, by the way, that people I look at it online is there's a site called Comics Kingdom and they list all the old comics. And there are comments. There's a comment board underneath. Oh, yeah.

And then people are saying people have been doing this and writing captions for Family Circus for years. But it's like and they are they are funny, but it's like. No, but these people are serious. Yeah. Well, one guy, one guy writes, that's it, Dolly. He knows all their names. That's it, Dolly. Pick the one with lots of pictures. Then you don't have to move your lips so much when you read it.

She's got a picture book in her hand. Ah. Yeah. So this is his following. It sounds that's on the level of humor for sure. Jeffy, unfortunately, is a real boy, a much too real boy. What? That sounds so intensely creepy what does

that mean i don't know it's like you and blondie this one this one's from eddie and my second favorite is the one about winnie the poop bear right you might as well just shit those out just just just change the name a little right all right let's, let's do it. It's time for Blondie, everybody. I've been looking forward to it all week. Nothing makes my day more. And I'll tell you something. Oh, this week's Blondie, if you don't follow the strip, has a daughter. The daughter is about 21 years old. And she's not as hot as Blondie, but she's got the same rack.

She's got the same body as her mother. And how old's the daughter? Like 21. How old do you think Blondie is? Blondie is in this particular one. She's she's getting she ages. Not really. She gets a job like a kid who didn't do their homework.

And I'm the teacher asking the simplest questions and none of it's adding up. I mean, she doesn't look different from the old ones to the ones with this daughter. But I guess it was on, maybe it was in the newspapers for so many years. She had to have the kids grow up. Huh. All right. So the daughter is standing there and she's got on these these, like, aqua blue tight-ass pants and a purple sweater. And she's got the same kind of golden yellow locks as Blondie.

Blondie's holding a cup of coffee, and she's got her arms together, you know, in that way that pushes the breasts forward and up? Oh, boy. Yeah. Like, literally, skinny waist, and she's presenting the breasts. Like literally skinny waist and she's presenting the breasts and a little skirt. It's a very loose. It's a thin fabric on the skirt. So you can see the outline of her thighs and she's holding a cup of coffee.

And the daughter says, I like that heart hand symbol that's so popular these days. And Blondie says, me too. Your dad uses it a lot. And then second frame is dagwood and he's sitting at a table it's got a roast turkey on it a cake uh jello and mashed potatoes and he's holding his hands in the heart shape and uh and blondie goes yes usually it's to say thank you when his mouth is full. Huh. And his mouth is full. That guy, right? I just think when you got a wife that's that hot, make some fucking effort, you know?

It's like he sits around, he eats, he naps, and she just keeps showing up wearing these fucking skin tight outfits yeah you might as well just be giving a thumbs up as you choose right uh but this is that's a recent one the heart symbol isn't that old right i mean yeah the gesture i mean i mean why would you stop why would you stop writing these comics is there a point where you go i can't spend five minutes writing something that pops into my head right for twenty thousand dollars a week so who do you think's farming this stuff ali who's doing blondie i'm gonna look into it yeah again i haven't done my homework i didn't i didn't know there'd be a quiz on the fucking comic strips the uh haggars i'm gonna go look

i'm gonna research that. I don't know who's still doing that. All right. So before we go, I want to give, uh, give a shout out to the listeners. You guys have been,

uh, really vocal about the show. We've gotten a lot of emails from you at the site. Yeah. So nice. And that's at a Fitz dog radio at gmail.com. Feel free to send us, uh,

any messages you have. We love to hear from you. Also, don't forget to send us, uh, any messages you have. We love to hear from you. Also, don't forget to follow those, uh, accounts we gave out before and special favor. Uh, I put a shout out on Twitter,

but I got some flaky responses. If anybody is a, uh, makes websites, we need a website for the show. If somebody wants to do it for us, we'll throw you a few bucks. Uh, but we want somebody show. If somebody wants to do it for us, we'll throw you a few bucks. But we want somebody who cares about the show to do it so they understand what we're

trying to do here. I like that. So just email me, fitzdogradio at gmail.com. And not like I've made a couple, like somebody who's a website designer who can do it fast nothing complicated we literally just need a place where we can list the uh we can list the episodes maybe put up like maybe we'll maybe we'll list the sunday comics we'll we'll put them up there the ones we read so you can look at them and jerk off to blondie just like i do so i just confirmed it is Sunday Papers podcast on Instagram, Sunday Papers pod on Twitter. Okay, good. All right, people. Thanks to Andrea Gilletti, who does the producing and editing of the podcast. Always does a fantastic job. Mike Gibbons, anything you want to promote? I don't know. We talked about the TV shows, documentaries, I guess. Start look up. I think it's sight and sound.

Maybe I'm trying to think it was the definitive list of the best documentaries of all time. Film comment is the most serious sort of place here in the States. But I think sight and sound might be UK. Anyway, you can look up. There's so many amazing. I want to do Sherman's March again. Did you ever see Sherman's March? No.

Oh, yeah. That's that's one to see also. Really? Yeah did you ever see sherman's march no oh yeah that that's that's one to see also really yeah yeah is it ken burns no no no it's a kind of kid and he's gonna trace sherman's march to the ocean when he burned the south but he's in a breakup and it gets and it like gets personal anyway it's very it's very it's yeah it's it's it's it's on people's like top 20 you know 25 documentaries of all time. Oh, no shit. All right.

Yeah. I want to also promote Fitz Dog Radio, the other podcast and Childish, which I do with Alison Rosen. It's about raising kids in the modern day. Forget about it. One more time. Be careful out there. People love each other and help out your neighbors. Yeah, do that.

Be careful out there, people. Love each other and help out your neighbors. Yeah, do that. And then somebody sent us a closer for our podcast. Do you remember I sent you that? You did. And I think, you know, we referenced that in one of our Sunday papers a long time ago. So maybe we'll go out with that. Well, there's another one for the birdcage.

The bottom of the birdcage, maybe? There's another one for the bottom of the birdcage. Maybe just birdcage. Maybe you get it. Do people have birds? Do people even know what that means? Why do people have birds? Is any fucking bird happy in a goddamn cage?

Look at this beautiful thing. I want to put it in a cage. You know what I love most about this thing? It flies. And I'm want to put in a cage and you know what i love what i love most about this thing it flies and i'm gonna put it right near the window where he can look out at all the free birds it's nuts all right oh you froze stop recording we got cut off oh can you hear me oh now i can you unfroze we're back all right listen mike gibbons i'll see you this week or i won't see you this week but but I'll talk to you this week. You got it, my pal.

Take it easy. I like your haircut. Thanks, man. All right, bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.