Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 147 1/15/23

Episode Date: January 15, 2023

Updates on Carolla and Kilborn. Plus, Greg has a big announcement! There’s a new billionaire in Maine, Prince Harry is a serial killer, and a college gymnast has a lot of creepy fans. Also, dueling FLA men.

Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike Giving you the latest world news In a tone you like Funniest jokes Check, check, check, check, check Yep, good, got it Read all about it! Read all about it. Read all about it.

Extra, extra. Rain is coming back to California. What's coming back? It's raining out right now. Oh, my God. I know. And everyone is freaking out. Freaking out.

Can't handle it. It's too much. People are losing it. You know, everyone, you can stop calling. It's 95% of California is absolutely fine. In fact, it's erasing some of the drought. 5%, don't get me wrong, can go sideways in a bad way. But that's all you're seeing in the news.

Well, there is a lot of, the problem is that the fires weakened all of the soil. And so now it's sliding down the hills. And the comedy store, the manager showed me the back of the comedy store last night. They had a, because it's, you know how it's like up against a hill? Oh, a real hill, yeah. Yeah. And like there was a mudslide and the wall in like the VIP room is like at an angle now, which is like the foundation of the fucking store.

Hard not to laugh if the comedy store gets wiped out by a mudslide. I know, Jesus. Hard not to laugh if the comedy store gets wiped out by a mudslide. Yeah, it's like L.A. or California, I should say, can't win because there's that where they say, all right, the fires have weakened the, you know, the dirt and or the, you know, the soil and the top layer. Then it's like, well, the drought has made it so dry that the water just runs off. And then this week I heard, well, because of all the rain, it's all too saturated. So the water just runs. So when is it normal? Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of the Comedy Store, I have a very big announcement to make. Oh. Very excited. Very proud. I'll be doing my first hour-long special in years. And I'm recording it at the world-famous comedy store in Los Angeles. February 5th.

February, whoa, let me put this in the calendar here. February 5th. It's going to be unbelievable. We're doing it in the original room, which is the room I probably feel more comfortable than any room in the country because I work it the most. That's my go-to. I feel like it's a well-worn baseball mitt, and I'm right in the pocket. I can see everybody. It's dark.

It's low ceiling. It's intimate. And I talked to Bob. Oh, I love that room. Bob Goldthwait came in. He's kind of like consulting, giving me some help on it. And I'm psyched. I got material that I've been doing for years, and I'm pulling all together the best stuff.

And then it's going to come out in the spring. So if you want to come see it live, go get tickets now. It's going to sell out fast. We're going to do two shows on a Sunday night. I love it. I'm there, man. It's in the calendar. Hopefully it doesn't rain.

Well, they said for Los Angeles, I think it was Los Angeles. It might have been California. I keep blurring the two. But last time it rained like this, I'm forgetting what year it was, where it rained a ton right around the holidays. It was then the driest January till July on record ever. Huh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. I remember we thought it was going to be this great ski season, and then that was the only snow that came all year. And all the snowpack had melted. And the snowpack is the key to avoiding the drought or helping. So, yeah. And then I guess this drought they've determined is the worst. Is it in 800 years?

Really? Something like that. Wow. They've come out with some statistic. It's no bueno. No, no bueno. All the rivers are drying up. Yeah.

It's no bueno. No, no bueno. All the rivers are drying up. Yep. I did Corolla this week, and Corolla has released his two sidekicks, Bald Brian and Gina Grad. So he's alone now on his show. Wow.

So you just go in and it's one-on-one. It's like Charlie Rose. Huh. That is interesting. Yeah. So we'll see what happens over there. But it was fun. It was funny.

I mean, the ace man is, he's always on fire. He's always got good premises. Always a fun guy to riff with. But he's got to do a lot more heavy lifting without somebody

reading the news and, you know, bouncing shit off of him. I haven't told this story in years, but so when Kilborn, oh, and I had lunch with Kilborn. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The very elusive Kilborn. Oh, shit. I saw him in the wild. He's great.

He's such a character. Damn, what was he wearing? Oh, he looked fantastic. He's a dapper man. wears slacks with with creases in them right like dry cleaned yep uh he prides himself on that they go with his martinis yeah uh but it was funny we he came over here he wanted to eat on main street in santa monica because he used to work there's a place called the Library Ale House. And that way back when he first moved here, I mean, this is around 1990 or something. It used to be an Italian restaurant and

he was a waiter there. But he told me he remembered the people's names of like who worked in the stores nearby. And anyway, but he was really funny. Back when he left the Late Late Show, they auditioned, you know, like everybody. they even let me host an hour one night. Um, and I hosted an hour, uh, right following Corolla did a five night, a full week. Yeah. And I'm, and I'm helping him. And I made the mistake of saying, you know, listen, call me anytime. Like, honestly, you can call me at like, you know, 1230 at night. Uh, you know, if you want ideas like to prepare for it, cause he really wanted the job and, um, and you know, Craig Ferguson eventually got it,

but boy, was that a mistake? You know, I didn't realize how focused he can be. You know what I mean? Yeah. And, uh, so sure enough, I'm at home. It's midnight phone rings. Uh, my wife at the time was like, what's that? I'm like, Oh, and I see it's Adam. I'm like, Oh, you know, that's my mistake. I told him he could call. Let me just tell him I can't. And so I take the call. I go literally into our walk-in closet and I go, I shut the door and I go um hey man what's going on I go listen is there any way we could talk tomorrow he's like let me ask you a question first I'm like yeah he's like have you ever seen a squirrel shit and I'm like uh and I sat there and I was like I actually haven't and he's like and and before I could say And he's like, and, and before I could say anything, he's like, right. He's like birds. I can't not see them. Shit.

That's all I do is see bird shit. Never seen a squirrel shit. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, no, I guess so. And then long pause. And he goes, that's the monologue Monday. And I was like, I don't think you understand what venue you're playing, which is CBS following Letterman. I don't know. Meanwhile, that would have been so much better than Craig Ferguson. Wait, can we get can we get back to Kilborn for a second? America is dying to know what he's been doing.

Are they? No, I think what happens is we don't realize how old we are. A lot of comedy people our age and, like, say 10 years younger, for sure it's the biggest curiosity. He walked away from the Late Late Show, and then Ferguson did it for 9 or 10 years, and then James Corden's already been there over five, I think. Damn, it was that long ago? It's crazy.

Kilbourne left in 2005, the beginning maybe of 2005. That's when I went, wait, when did I show up at Ellen? You'll know. 2002. No, when did I show up? 2004? No, when did I show up? 2004? No, I left in 2000. Oh, no, no, no.

You're right. I was there from 2003 to 2005. So you came in 2004. Yeah. Maybe the beginning of 2005. I guess I started season two, whatever. So, yeah, the end of 2004, maybe. All right. So what's Kilborn end of 2004, maybe. All right.

So what's Kilborn been doing? He has a podcast. I was on it. I guess I'm going to be on it again, according to him. He, you know, he was good with his money. And he has a place here in L.A. And then has a place out in the desert. Really?

Yep. Yep. He has a wonderful girlfriend who we, we all know and you know, all the, all the friends of Craig's and, uh, and he's, you know, he is really, so this is another thing. All right. So he's really, really funny socially and stuff. So he goes, uh, he's like, oh, I've been really excited for this. I made a list. And I'm like, what? And he goes, a list. So he holds up his phone and then he presses. He goes, look.

And it said Gibby list, right? And he goes, I'm psyched. Like, I just didn't want to forget anything. Like, I want to catch up with you. And he keeps pointing at this list and I can't see what's on the list. Fine. So then a couple of times in the conversation, he's like, so listen, anyway, this is off the list. I'm like, I go, I don't know what's on the list.

So to me, this is a conversation, which I guess means everything's either on or off the list. It doesn't matter to me. But he would announce when something was off the list. This isn't on the list, just so you know. Yeah. Wow. All right. Well, I got to check out his podcast.

He did my podcast one time and this pretty much sums up Craig Kilborn. Uh, I did, I did his show. He had a show. Uh, I think it was a, I can't remember what it was. Some kind of talk show that Mike Dugan produced. And I came in. Oh, yeah, no, no. So when he left The Late Late Show, he kind of left left. But then he was getting a lot of calls and Fox syndicated, I think, a Kilbourne half, was it a half hour, I believe, at night.

Some kind of talk show. Yeah. So I came in and did an episode and then I had asked him if he wanted to do my podcast and he goes, great, love to. So I came into his dressing room and he sat on the couch put his feet up on the table put his head back closed his eyes and said all right let's do it and I said are you going to open your eyes he goes no no no no no I'll be better like this. And I think I did about 15 minutes and called it a wrap.

I was like, all right, I'm good. I'm good. I will say he's one of the most talented, if not the most talented broadcaster I've ever worked with. Really? Yeah. He, um, ESPN, So ESPN, which he was a rock star, I mean, that show Sports Night or whatever, you know, the Aaron Sorkin, you know, that main character was based on him. And he, because you're just in Bristol, Connecticut, and at ESPN, man, they hardly paid you anything. They all complained about it. And you had to do everything. They all complained about it. And you had to do everything. Dan Patrick, all those guys, they had to write, they're feverishly writing all their own stuff, coming up with their own catchphrases, telling them where to cue the clips, like all this. It was incredible. So for instance, when I saw, and I wish more of the hosts I've worked with were as good as Craig was,

he would be doing like his desk chat, right? Like he did the monologue, goes to the desk, sits down. So he has a monitor. He can look at what's on TV, you know, straight ahead, but the camera's looking at him. And when he would feel it was too wide or whatever, while talking and flawlessly reading prompter, he would put his hand out to camera two, which the director could see and gesture closer, tighter, tighter. No shit.

While doing it, yeah. And I was like, fuck, this guy's comfortable. Damn, that's amazing. Yeah. Well, the podcast is called The Life Gorgeous, and it's on, I guess, on YouTube. He's got a podcast channel. Yeah, go to The Life Gorgeous. Also, follow, on YouTube. He's got a podcast channel. Go to The Life Gorgeous.

Also, follow him on Instagram. He's really funny. He does these pretentious things about how flawless his hair is, and he'll tell you what sweater he's wearing, and it's all like, you know, in jest kind of, with his

martinis and everything. I've got to get him back on FitzDog Radio. We've got to do it again. 100 everything. I got to get him back on Fitz Dog Radio. We got to do it again. A hundred percent you got to do that. Last week we did our world famous predictions episode, which we do the first week of every year. We paid off last year's. I kicked your ass.

Oh, Jesus. Is that official? I won by three guesses. Oh. And we asked you guys, did we forget any predictions for next year? Any suggestions? So we got a lot of people wrote in.

Paul said, will gas be, and Denman, can you write down the answers to this and then put them in last week's document? Will gas be over or under $4 in California? What? When was it ever under? Right now it's $5, I think, right? I mean, the numbers should be $5. Yeah, I think let's change that number to $5, and I'm going to say it's going to be. Do we want to put $4.50 or something?

I don't track these things. Well, it's $5 right now, so let's just say it'll be higher or lower than right now. So I will say it will be over five. And how do we determine this? Do we want to say the gas station on the corner by Whole Foods? Yeah, perfect. Because that's pretty fair because there's a competitor, Caddy Corner. So they have to be fairly honest honest i'm going to say under and here's why i think it's an election year and you know we'll be coming up kind of it'll be heating up and i think they'll want biden will want it down also it's so expensive in california i don't know why but so many people are going electric,

especially in LA. I don't know. I'm going under. Wow. Going against type and going with a positive thing. I'm also going against you. And that's worked so far with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Don't bring it up.

Will Ghislaine Maxwell be killed in prison this year? I say yes. Holy shit. I was going to say let's throw that question out. I say no. That includes suicide, by the way. Yeah, will she be dead? Yeah, will she be dead in a year?

I say yes. Nope. Will Howard Stern resign a contract with Sirius XM? So, yeah, it's not whether he's on the air. It's whether or not he has re-upped his contract or resigned from it. I don't know anything about this. A re-sign, not resign. Re-sign.

I think Howard's going to keep on going. I can't see him stopping. He's doing three hours a day, three days a week. You can't knock those hours. I say, yeah, I agree. Okay. Also, I think he's going to start putting, I still have not seen that Springsteen thing. I will before we go to the concert.

We're going to the concert. We're coming to Tulsa. By the way, I totally forgot. I was just in Tulsa in December. No way. I did a show there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I liked it. I got some good barbecue. I had some really good barbecue. Oh, someone wrote us an email with the most really detailed list.

It looked great of what to do there. Yes. Thank you for whoever did that. No. So the week before we go, we'll dig up that email and give that guy credit. It was really nice of him. Yeah. Uh, we'll, this is from Toby. We'll Mike be engaged. Whoa. Now, whoa. Now, whoa. Now I say no, I'm thinking no also. Oh, shit. No, I don't want it to sound unromantic.

Wait, what's a year? January. So my daughter. It's past Valentine's Day. It'll be past Valentine's Day. How about this? That I'm thinking so hard about it is a really romantic thing. Don't I get credit for that? No, but listen, it's a long-distance relationship.

I'm in L.A. with my daughter who's going to be a senior in high school next year. So I'm trapped in Los Angeles. I'm going to say the holidays just passed. I'm going to say no. All right. Because if it's yes, I win. You know what I mean? And I don't to say no. All right. Because if it's yes, I win. You know what I mean? And I don't lose to you.

Yeah. No is the right answer. You see how I did that? I'm like AI in that one. I fucking looked at all the variables and I picked the right answer. Will there be a space shuttle disaster, either government or private? I say yes. I'm like you today. I'm all negative.

You are. You are. Is that maroon hat on a little too tight? Are you okay? Oh, boy. I don't really know what this... Like, will a rocket blow up on the pad type thing or in the air? I think a disaster has to mean there's a human being on board. Oh, no. I don't think a human being on board. Oh, no. I don't think a human being dies this coming year. Okay. It's going to be rained out for months.

Ray asks, how can Mike not bet on whether King Charles or Pope Francis will die this year? They are 74 and 78, respectively. No, 86. Oh. Yeah, there we go. I'm going to say on King Charles, I'm going to say no. Same. And Pope Francis, I'm going to say no also.

I mean, this is the thing. They get the absolute best care, and they have a giant staff constantly attending them. So there's no, like, chest pain, I fall down. Yeah. And then you're there a half hour and you die. That doesn't happen in their world. Yeah, like if Pope Francis is playing football and a guy runs at him and his helmet hits his chest and his heart misses a beat. There's going to be a doctor there.

Too late. Too late on that one. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, 86 is really old, though. 86 is a year you die. It's literally the code in a restaurant for killing an order. They say 86 it.

Oh, you're right. It means death. Yeah, and I think it's going to be a stressful year for them. I'm going to say no, though, just because it's safe. All right. I don't lose anything to you. What else? Daniel Preston says, will China invade Taiwan?

I don't know what I'm talking about in that arena. It really, well, I mean, that's, you know, one of the things we're talking about in Japan right now when Biden's there.

I say no. A year is short. I say yes. And I think it's going to throw us into a deep recession because we're going to have to say I we have not committed to taking action with Taiwan. But I don't know. You look at what you look what Ukraine did to our economy. It basically caused inflation for the most part. I think that's a right, the right side's talking point. We kicked the can down the road. I had my one annual meeting with, and it's so funny because

he sees how negative I am with my, you know, finance, the guy who has my 401ks and shit. We talk once a year and he's like, I go, well, listen, I've been wrong. I mean, like I sold my house in 2014, thinking it was the top of the market. He goes, I, and I go, and, you know, and I've told you to be kind of conservative because I thought the last, you know, nine years, like you think we, you think we got over 2008 and nine, that giant crisis, all we did. And he goes, well, listen, don't beat yourself up. It shocked all of us as well because every time there was supposed to be a correction every single time there was supposed

to be a natural recession the government just threw money at it it began in 2009 both sides did it constantly and then because that situation, we're just like, let's just artificially just have interest rates plummet. And just all this, just artificial stimulus, constant. And now I think we, I don't think Ukraine hardly had anything to do with it. I think we're finally, they're like, hey, everybody, we're raising interest rates and we're going to print less money. And it's like, what? Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for that breakdown. So you're wrong. It's not Ukraine. So do I have to give you a prediction? No, we're not. Yeah, I already did. Okay. This comes from Paul Gilhool from County Clare in Ireland. Wow. After hearing you own a Subaru to go along with your Prius, I predict that Greg will join a women's softball team

and come out as a middle-aged lesbian. I predict Greg will repeat a story on Sunday Papers he thought he told on Fitz Dog Radio, but he in fact originally told on Sunday Papers. I predict one of the two of you will have a stranger's finger up your ass. Well, I'm going to the doctor March 3rd, so I can guarantee you I'm going to have a gentleman's finger up my ass. I won't. I don't think I will. Not a doctor, anyway. And is your doctor a stranger? No. Oh, it's a stranger. Yeah, that he's not a stranger will a stranger's finger up

my ass no i don't think it's gonna happen um you know my dumb joke about that though is like but it is always uncomfortable when i see him putting on that rubber mitten big ass i got a five minute routine about my proctology exam on my new one-hour special. Sunday, February 5th at the store. Yep. Amy Barron has some good ones. Will Prince Harry attend the king's coronation? If yes, with Meghan.

I say he will, and I say without Meghan. Holy shit. That's a great question. I didn't even. Coronation hasn't happened yet. What are they waiting for? Do they wait a year? I guess so.

No, she. Are you going to get through these questions faster? Because we got a bunch and we and you got to get out of here. Isn't the podcast over almost? I'm saying both of them. Are you kidding me? The backlash is on. They would be fucking hated.

Even if she's not welcome, the royal family will play it perfectly, meaning she's invited. Who will take over Trevor Noah's hosting job? I think I know this. I'm going to say Leslie Jones. No, no, no. It's the guy that already works there. Oh.

The guy that took over Ari Shaffir's show. What show? This is not happening. Roy Wood Jr. Yeah. Okay. I think it's going to be him. Okay.

Will George Santos get the boot or resign from Congress? Did Sarah Silverman already host The Daily Show? I don't know. I haven't paid attention to The Daily Show since Jon Stewart started sucking halfway through his run. I am not a fan of the guy Trevor. I hate Trevor Noah. That's a strong word. Unfunny, pretty boy, not a fan. I hate Trevor Noah. I think that's a strong word. That's a strong word.

Unfunny. Pretty boy. Don't not a fan. It's sometimes I've been like, oh, man, I almost laughed. But the delivery was so made me think about you instead of the joke. And like, yeah, I don't think I've laughed ever. So, yeah. OK, what else?

Will George Santos get the boot or resign from Congress? I think that that Republican Party does not reject anything. They will keep him. They will forget about it. I mean, look at Gates, who's like a child molester. He's like running the party out of Florida. I'm glad you said like a child molester because I think that's technically the label right now. I you know, they asked him a couple of Republicans asked him to resign and he's denied. So I agree. No. OK, let's go down to

let's do one more. Brett Favre's multimillion-dollar welfare money theft will get scrubbed and forgotten with zero reproductions. I don't think he meant reproductions. Repercussions, maybe? I think he meant repercussions. I will say this will, again, blow away through the sands of time, as I mix the metaphor. We'll get scrubbed and forgotten. Slip away.

So, yes, we're going to say yes. I mean, even if he ties it up in the courts, you know, like it's not going to happen within the year. He's a piece of shit for doing what he did. Yep. That was Isaac Sandoval asked that uh the logo this week comes from craig godette very cute little something from uh white lotus the song comes from kevin keen haven't heard from him in a while and he showed up big with this one thank you kevin yeah thank you kevin and thank thank you, Craig. Did you see the logo?

Who do I look like? For a second, I thought that was someone we know. Who did you think it was? I thought it was Jeff Brown, my roommate from college. Because of the neck. Yeah. I think it was the neck, but

he's lost weight now, but that in college, that's what he looked like. And then he got bigger because the neck, but, you know, he's he's lost weight now, but that in college, that's what he looked like. And then he got bigger because after college, he opened up a ice cream stand in Atlantic City. No. Yeah. No. The boardwalk where the Jersey Shore was the show. I forget which one it is. I'll remember it anyway. Corrections. DVD. We were talking about death predictions. DVD is Dick Van Dyke. All right. God bless him. Still going. J.J. says, why is will Trump leave the White House peacefully?

Huh? Will Trump leave the White House peacefully? A prediction for 2022. He left in 2021. Do you guys have your notes mixed up? Yeah, I think somehow we made a prediction a year late. So I was I was we were both wrong. And neither one of us noticed. That's the crazy part. Or Chris Denman, who's supposed to be fact-checking our stupidity. Well, it is weird because it's kind of like the Super Bowl is for the previous season, you know, which is a different year. But yeah, we flat out got this wrong, no doubt about it. But you do kind of blur the lines like, well, it was really 2020,

but technically he leaves 2021. I was going to say about Dick Van Dyke, like that's like a, that's like, there aren't very many classic Hollywood guys. Like that's old school. Yeah. He's an old school guy walking among us right now. That's like a Henry Fonda kind of a school. Yeah. That's like. He's an old school guy walking among us right now. That's like a Henry Fonda kind of a guy.

Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Right. Right. You know, he he read the he was the emcee, I guess, of the service for Stan Laurel from Laurel and Hardy. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, really? Yeah. Because he and Laurel Hardy, Stan Laurel, sorry, lived up the street near the Oceana Hotel, like right in downtown Santa Monica. Yeah. And he answered every letter he got, just like I answered everybody's emails. This isn't a correction because Mike corrected it in the moment, but Greg still managed to completely ignore the correction and pronounced Deli as Del High. Really, Greg? It's not an obscure place name. It was a fucking joke.

I'm a comedian. I was making a joke about the name. I think the first one was a slip up, and then you doubled down. Absolutely not. And I got so much mail about me saying Del High wrong. Oh, my God. I swear to God, I've been doing comedy 32 years. I still don't. People don't get me and I don't get what people get. I still miss the mark. Your family and friends don't get you. You're just too advanced.

February 5th, Comedy Store. I'm not a cardiologist, but Greg's claim that Bill's safety, DeMar Hamlin, went into cardiac arrest because he was hit, quote, between heartbeats, sounded like a classic Fitz fact. Is there any money in the Sunday paper's 2023 budget to hire a Fitz fact checker? Love the pod. Please never have gubbins in. That was exactly what I explained was correct. He was between heartbeats when he got hit. The electrical impulses were paused.

And that's what caused the cardiac arrest. How would you tackle a fucking monster coming your way? And you're you're in the middle of a play. How can anything get in between your heartbeat? Yeah. It's a constant heartbeat. Well, that's what happened. And I stand by it. I researched it. This is Ryan in Chicago.

Well, Ryan, man, I love the phrase he's coined. Fitz fact is perfect. And please never have gubbins on. That seems to be a lot of mail we're getting is saying don't have gubbins on. But we'll get to him in a minute. I added a great idea for gubbins. We'll get to it. Go ahead.

Okay. Daniel Drader, I may have already messaged you about Yonge Street and predictably some other Torontians incorrectly claimed that Yonge Street is the longest street in the world, which sadly it isn't. In reality, never has been. Guinness claimed it was and then refused to correct it for years. But in fact, the road did somewhat whatever. So it's not as it's not as long, I guess, in Canada.

They're looking for something to cling on to. They need some flags to wave. to cling on to. They need some flags to wave. And this one was a false flag. Well, it is in the Guinness Book of World Records now as having the false claim that it's the longest street in the world. Yeah. All right, what are we doing?

You got dates? Tour dates coming up. Atlanta, Georgia coming up this weekend. I'll be at the Punchline January 19th through 21. Portland, Oregon, Helium Comedy Clubline January 19th through 21. Portland, Oregon. Helium Comedy Club. January 26th to the 28th. And then I'll be in La Jolla, San Diego

area at the Comedy Store down there February 2nd. Then I will be taping the special at the LA Comedy Store February 5th. Also dates coming up at Philadelphia. We got the St. Patrick's Day

show at the Improv in LA on St. Patrick's Day. Boston coming up in the spring. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get your tickets. Support live comedy before the recession hits and we all go out of business. Front page!

Do it! You got paper? Yeah, let me open it up so it gets some better crinkle going. Oh, my God, that's a real newspaper. Extra! Extra! We all have bought it! Extra! The date on this paper is August 29th, 2023. Let's just do those stories. All right. Yeah.

What is the main story in here? What is the main story? Frenzied exit from Kabul nears end as U.S. cites a new terror threat. We just left Kabul. Kabul. Oh, is it Delhi? Is it Kabul or it's Kabul, right? I don't know if it left Kabul. Kabul. Oh, is it Delhi? Is it Kabul or it's Kabul, right? I don't know if it's Kabul.

Kabul sounds a little goofy. Kabul? I don't know what it is. All right. Front page. We can't read. We got to do blind readings of the news. One ticket sold in Maine beats the eerie odds of Friday the 13th,

and its buyer is set to claim the mega millions jackpot of about $1.35 billion. What? The ticket was sold at a gas station in the town of Lebanon, according to the Maine lottery. A billion dollars in Maine goes a long way. I think they could probably even fund their domestic abuse hotline for a couple weeks in Maine. That is Stephen King Maine money right there. Yeah. Yeah, Stephen King had it right. Stay in Maine.

Be the fucking guy. If Stephen King moved to San Francisco or L.A. or New York, he'd just be a guy. I think there's a writer living in 3B. But if you're the guy in Maine with a billion dollars, you're the king. He doesn't even know what to do with his money. So I've heard he fixes up a lot of Little League fields. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I mean, I think his kids weren't in it and all that stuff.

But he likes baseball and he fixed up a lot of fields i think and i'm sure we'll get someone from maine writing in on all the other things that maniac does but um i i know he takes care of maine i think somebody should do a sketch on i mean chapelle's famous sketch about when reparations were given out, which was very controversial. I think looking back on it, he wasn't proud of that sketch. Because, you know, it was not depicting black people as handling money well. But imagine a sketch about people in Maine with a billion dollars. Oh, I know.

You know how many duck boots that can buy? Just lobster for breakfast, and dinner um this was sad news march 31st will end the end of an era in irish new york as patty riley's the music bar on second avenue and 29th street known for cat catapulting the careers of many local bands including including Black 47 and the Prodigals, will close its doors for good after 36 years. Perfect Pints of Guinness, the landlord will not renew the lease. Instead, the locations where celebrities like Jimmy Fallon, Brad Pitt, Christy Turlington mingled with everyday New Yorkers in a low-key setting with live Irish music blaring.

And it will likely become a bank. That's so sad. That was a great fucking bar. Well, so, you know, we were there. You emailed me this story this week. So when I lived in New York, every year on my birthday, I'd pick the street corresponding to my birthday. So when I turned 29, I, you know, I took a day off, a personal day from work at HBO. And I went there at about, I'd say, 1030 or so in the morning and had breakfast at the bar and basically said, I'll be receiving visitors all day. And there'd be over 50 people there by time evening.

A lot of people came for lunch thinking they would just come for lunch. Then they're going to come back and then they would call like work and just cancel. And I opened a tab and bought all the drinks and stuff. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a lot of people refused, you know, otherwise it was, that was a big thing. But, um, one time you pointed out to me one time we were in there, you tapped me on the shoulder and you're like, dude, Joe Strummer's over there. I'm like, what? And I had just put on like the pogues and stuff. It was a break, uh, with the band black 47 was on stage, tiny stage in the front window. It was not a small, it was a very small place. Oh yeah.

And so I had put money, uh, the Pogues stuff on the jukebox. So Strummer was in town. This is, we could identify the exact day Strummer was in town and he was going to be the front man for the Pogues at the, um, uh, well on the Upper West Side, which I'm gonna call it. Uh, what's well, on the Upper West Side, which I'm going to call it. What's the theater on the Upper West Side? The Beacon Theater? Yeah, the Beacon.

No, the Beacon. So the Pogues were playing the Beacon, and Strummer was going to be the front man, and he was. And I went and I saw that. So anyway, I went over and I'm like, you know, shitting, you know, he's a bona fide hero of mine. Shake his hand. And I had to say a little bit of a dead fish handshake, which I thought also meant like, he just has to go through this. It's part of his

job. And I was like, and on the way over, I'm like such a fan boy. I'm just like, just say, and I'm like, and I came up with, I'm like, just duck in and say, Joe, thanks for the music. That's it. Then walk away. So I go, thanks for the music, fish handshake. And then I start to pull away and he senses all that. And he kind of grabs my hand and he's like, so what brings you here? I'm like, oh, and I start talking. And then I'm just like, artists like talking about what's going on now. Like artists like talking about what's going on now. So I brought up Mystery Train, the Jim Jarmusch movie he was in. And I'm like, you know, loved you in the Jarmusch movie. Are you in touch with him?

You know, when you're in New York? Oh, thank you. And so he goes, oh, my God, Jarmusch. That's Jarmusch, isn't it? No, it's Jarmusch. Jarmusch's wife is supposed to come here tonight. Anyway, he starts chatting How long was I talking to Joe Strummer?

Like 45 minutes I was like, listen, I gotta go Yeah It was crazy Yeah, and he was there because he produced the Black 47 He produced some of their albums Nice And if people don't know that band

Great fucking Irish band. Listen to the music. Great energy. This was crazy. Same week. It was quite a week. I had just, this is also what we talked about. Black, sorry.

God, I'm really spacing out. Mick Jones's band, though, had just played downtown. Big Audio Dynamite? Big Audio Dynamite. I had seen them two nights earlier downtown, and Strummer was at that show. Oh, no shit. Yeah, I know.

It was incredible. He didn't get up on stage, though. That's another band. If you don't know Big Audio Dynamite, holy shit. Lots of clash. Lots of clash stuff in the story. Did we do this story last week about Prince Harry and the military? I'm old.

No, I don't think we did. Okay. Prince Harry has drawn criticism from some British security and military figures and an angry rebuke from the Taliban. Taliban? Tal-Taliban. Taliban-a-la-la. After claiming in his autobiography that he killed 25 of the insurgent group's fighters

while serving for the British Army in Afghanistan. Harry disclosed the figure in his upcoming autobiography, Spare, My Number is 25. It's not a number that fills me with satisfaction, nor does it embarrass me. He quoted as describing Taliban insurgents as chess pieces taken off the board rather than people. Huh.

Of course, I will only kill the dark pieces on the chess board. White ones should win the game. Why would he say this? It's so ridiculous. Do you think his number, you know, most people say 25 is my number. Do you think his number in pussy is higher or lower than 25? Oh, no, I think he was a beast. I think he went through a period where he was drinking and drugging a lot

and getting tons of pussy. I mean, are there giant nondisclosures? Do they threaten to kill them? Like, why haven't women come out? Because they're from royal families. You only fuck women that are in the same class as you. And then they keep quiet because they know that's what you do. Although he also viewed the pussy as chess pieces that he would just take off the board.

And again, in that one, those were the white pieces. How does this one move? And by the way, the Taliban, after hearing this, the Taliban might have some New Year's resolutions. I think it's Taliban. Taliban. Taliban. Anyway, also, like, the Taliban issues a statement. It's so bizarre.

Like a rebuke from the Taliban. Ooh, a rebuke. Yeah. It's hard to go from decapitating people to a rebuke. Yeah, right, right. All right, how about this headline? 96% of workers are looking for a new job in 2023. Quote, this is phenomenally high, even compared with the numbers at the height of the great

resignation, said Vic Salemi, a career expert at Monster. Nearly half or 40% of job seekers say they need a higher income due to inflation and rising expenses. Others said they have no room to grow in their current role or they are in a toxic workplace. So I guess this doesn't count those out of work because I'm looking for a new job in 2023. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, first of all, a toxic workplace. Fucking wake up. How many times have you left a job because it was a toxic workplace,

gotten a new job, and then pined for the old job because the new one is so fucking toxic? You know what a toxic workplace is? Ellen. Fucking Ellen. Well, that's my point. Even like Goop, Ellen, all these positive places, they're the most toxic places out there.

You know what's really toxic? Work in a fucking mine. Work at a fucking chemical plant. Yeah. Or do some roofing. Get on a fucking salmon ship out in the Alaskan Straits in fucking January. Go back to your job selling ad space for influencer fucking vlogs and shut the fuck up. Is it the Bering Straits? Maybe it's the Bering Straits. I like Alaskan Straits. I like Alaskan

Straits. And by the way, what the fuck is wrong with the 4% who are happy at their job? Those are the ones we should be looking at. Yeah. What are you kidding me? What's the happiest at. Yeah. What are you kidding me? What's the happiest you've ever been at a job? Oh, that's a great question. I'll tell you what, when I lived in Wyoming, this doesn't really count, but when I lived in Wyoming- You lived in Wyoming? Well, we lived there for like, it was a long summer. And I remember when I- No, I know. But remember when I went out there with Billy? Yeah. So there was no housing. So we had to overpay for a place like by a lot. Like it was like a weekly rental, but we rented it for like three months or more.

I had to get a lot of jobs and I worked out in this field filling gopher holes so the horses wouldn't break their legs. That might have been the happiest I ever was. Wow. It was hard work, but listen, it wasn't roofing. I'm not trying to paint myself as, oh, the hard work is what did it. It was just fucking beautiful. I did like, you know, I was in shape. You know, listen, I was 21 or something, so it wasn't backbreaking for me.

I remember just being so happy. I think mine might have been, I had a college job where I worked at the Marriott in Copley Square as a banquet waiter. And there were about, we would do, the Marriott had the biggest banquet room in Boston. So when the conventions came to town, the big ones would come to the Marriott. And so they would have to hire like a hundred servers and they were all college students. And we wore fucking, you know, tuxedos and you would, it would be like a six hour shift, but halfway through your shift, the first half was setting up the room and serving. And then they would always have like a speaker or a presentation. So you'd have like an hour, hour and a half off where you would then eat the dinner, which was almost always lobster.

So we were eating fucking clam chowder and lobster. We were friends with all the bartenders. So we were fucking slamming shots. And I was getting laid left and right. I met so many fucking girls. And so it was a blast. It was a blast. Oh, that's great.

I almost got fired because they had a prom party in one of the banquet rooms, and I was serving, and I got drunk, and I was dancing with the fucking girls in their little low-cut dresses on the floor, and the manager came in, and he fucking brought me into his office and yelled at me.

I didn't know you were doing that. Another one of my favorite jobs was, you know, doorman at the Bull and Finch pub, you know, cheers. Oh, yeah. Where I've told the story a million times, but where I quit during a blackout. So you and I had similar work experiences like a mile from each other. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

mile from each other. Yeah. Yeah. All right. The seventh dead whale in a little over a month washed up on the Jersey shore this week, sparking a debate about the impact of offshore activities on marine life. The good news, Jersey smells a lot better all of a sudden. And then my other dumb joke, it looks like big pussy from the sopranos finally surfaced there you go remember they weighted him down and threw him overboard yeah i think when i first heard there was a whale in atlantic city i thought there hasn't been a whale in atlantic city a whale in gambling terms means a high roller there hasn't been a while in Atlantic City in fucking two decades. Right. Yeah.

Now it's just, I was in Atlantic City doing a show. Howie Mandel has a theater there. And I went in and did a show, or a weekend of shows. It was the most depressing weekend of my life. They are the saddest collection of gamblers. They're people that can't afford to get to Vegas

or an Indian casino in Connecticut. And they just are like welfare recipients. And the crime on the street is so bad, the police will actually pull you over for walking through some streets and say, what are you doing here? Yeah. Well, you know, it's a long story, but, you know, we ran into those skinheads and it was a giant scene when we were down there. And you guys used to go to the Miss America pageant every year, right? We went to the Miss America pageant every year in Atlantic City. And the short version of the story is all of a sudden we left this bar.

I can't even remember because I don't, I honestly don't think that way, but I assume one of them, maybe it was Andrew, like one of us, they looked Jewish, I guess, and was Jewish. I don't even, and so when we left, they, all of a sudden, I think it was Brickner was like, dude, we're being followed. We were walking down the street and they were scary and they looked exactly like skinheads. They were in the bar and saw us. They waited till we left. They left. And all of a sudden we started trotting.

They started trotting. We go into a full run. We run into traffic. They follow us into traffic, surround us. They called us Jew. Oh, we got, we hailed one car. We put Andy in it and we put whoever else. We put the Jewish kid in it. I love it. That's so fucking noble. No, we got we held one car. We put Andy in it and we put whoever the Jewish kid in it. I love it. No, we really did. But then they were surrounding us.

And all of a sudden, like bottles and I think knives came out and they called us Jew lovers. And all of a sudden, cops, I think, pulled up and they scattered and they're like, get in. And we're like, what? And we get in and we hear this woman. And it was like, it was AI. Like she was like, uh, we heard that. We just got a report that they're going under the boardwalk at like, you know, ocean and like front street. And, and she, it was like she had eyes on the city and could see everything. This guy all of a sudden makes a hard left. We're in the back of a, of a patrol car. All of a sudden makes a hard left. We're in the back of a patrol car.

All of a sudden he makes a left. Four other patrol cars are on the street, up on the boardwalk. No shit. No, no, dude. Right over, out, flashlights, van pulls up, dogs. They fucking go under and they get these guys. And so I didn't kind of realize what was going on. I'm like, Oh wow, this is, this is really cool. Like what a response to fucking skinheads. Like this is, this is great. And, uh, so Sorelli, John Sorelli, a really good friend is a journalist and he was working for like the Bergen County register, some, some newspaper. So I go, you know, we have to make sure people like know about this. Like, this is crazy.

We called the newspaper in Atlantic City. I can't even tell you how times. We had the officers' names. We told them the story is even longer and more impressive than what I just said. We told them the force, and we thought it was like a cool story. Not one word. Oh, no, that was in shutdown. And the reason why there's so much police

is because you were near the casinos. If you were in Camden, there'd have been no fucking police presence at all. If that story, and John then asked his newspaper, what the fuck is going on? This is an incredible story. And he goes, not a single word. And he goes, if that article got printed,

every old Jewish woman who is on a bus every single day, all day from New York to come here and play the slots, that stops. They used to give people rolls of quarters as an incentive to come to Atlantic City from New York. And they'd give you a free bus ride, and they'd give you like $20 in quarters. And there was a thing where people used to go down and do their laundry in Atlantic City. Dude, you're leaving out the part where Andrew got the shit kicked out of him. They broke his nose.

Did they? Yes. I saw him the week after, and he had two black eyes, and his nose was busted. We put our backs together, kind of just instinctively, and formed a circle as they had a circle around us. And I just made, I didn't know what I was doing, but you hear all these prison stories. I literally was like, just pick who you think is the leader and don't stop making eye contact with them. And that's what I did. Wow. Jesus. I do that with my kids sometimes. Me and my wife stand back to back and we just stare down Jojo.

Here's a fun story to pick us up out of that piece of fucking hate. Yeah. The head coach of Louisiana State University's gymnastics team said there will be added security when it travels to away meets after an incident last week where fans of Tiger's gymnast and TikTok influencer Olivia Dunn disrupted a meet against the University of Utah. They described the situation as mob-like. The fans, mostly young men,

waved posters and a life-size cutout of Dunn and chanted, we want Livvy! Give us Livvy! As other athletes were trying to compete. The scene was described as so scary and disturbing and cringey.

The 20-year-old Dunn has amassed 6.7 million followers on TikTok and is the top-earning female collegiate athlete in name, image, and likeness. Yeah, they went too far when they started stuffing dollar bills in her leotard. That's a Tom Cotter joke. He goes, I went to my niece's dance recital. I got kicked out when I stuffed dollar bills in

her leotard, but she was cute. I love how this was on January 6th and it was mob like, maybe that's the new date for people to lose their minds and become a mob. Wow. Yeah. They were trying to overthrow her fucking panties. So I didn't know anything about this, and it was this morning, and I Googled Olivia Dunn, and I basically got no more work done. No, she's cutie, except she looks so young. She's 20. Yeah, but she looks 15. She's a little cutie, but she's got big tits, big ass.

What just happened? Hey, what happened there? What a turn. She's got big tits, big ass. What just happened? Hey, what happened there? What a turn. You're a roller. You're just nonstop surprises. But I guess she- Tell hi. They said she didn't seem really that upset, but then again, she hasn't had a period in

about three years. She's not moody at all? All right, let's get to some good news for Gubbins. You got it. An email from, I don't know who wrote it. I had the pleasure of meeting Dennis in Denver at the South Park 25th anniversary concert. Really nice guy, and we laughed at how you guys roast him on the show. Seems like a great guy with a great sense of humor.

That being said, don't let him on your show anytime soon. I was giggling like a schoolgirl when you had his best friend on instead of him. So there's that. That's really funny. I played golf with Dennis yesterday, and

he got his golf club stolen he left him in his car in venice which you just don't do that's just like we live in venice 101 yeah you know ken we know we have a friend ken who's a director and he had a camera but a civilian camera like i think it was you know like a was, you know, like a 35 millimeter, you know, whatever, like a regular camera. You take still photos. And he was just, I saw him the day after it was stolen and he was like kicking himself. He's like, Oh God, I thought I got everything out of the car. Ken lives in a multimillion dollar house, right? I mean, I haven't even seen it, um, in Venice though. And the understanding, the complete compl complicit understanding is that it's on you.

Every single night, someone with a flashlight looks in your car. If you have left something in it, it's gone. That's just the understanding. Right. Doesn't matter how nice your block is. No, I was shocked. I was. Right.

Doesn't matter how nice your block is. No, I was shocked. I was. And there was some indication from Dennis that the car was not locked also with the right in the back. But it was in his driveway. They took his time. They opened his shoe bags, his golf shoes, and looked at them and then just threw them in the car and left them there, which is a smart move.

These are smart guys yeah so so anyway so he's playing with somebody else's clubs mine and i and oh were those yours yeah the black golf bag those are the ones malloy found in an alley those are the clubs i learned on so anyway i outdrove him and i was giving him shit and so so he was giving me shit. And then I made a joke about his belly. And all of a sudden things went fucking dark. He got super pissed. Oh, no. It really struck a nerve. And it stuck with him for a couple of holes.

Oh, no. He had the black clad. Yeah, I didn't realize he was so sensitive about his fat belly. Can you gain that much weight from edibles? Yeah, he's got to get some low-fat edibles going. All right, so this is the idea I had. I had it just before, like minutes before the podcast began. Why don't we kind of do a GoFundMe?

So his clubs mean everything to him. Dennis, because the suits have figured out how to keep goddamn money from actors and performers. Even when he gets a national ad campaign, it's a fraction of what it used to be. And so why don't we set like he's bummed and he has no idea how he's going to replace those clubs. And he's a real golfer like you, which means he this is probably his third driver. He did wrap one around a tree about two years ago. This is probably his third driver. He did wrap one around a tree about two years ago.

But, you know, he has, you know, they're all mismatched clubs because he was turned on to the best driver by someone. You know what? Yeah. He also had a little, like, placard thing in there, a token that was from his grandfather that he would use, like, to, you know, mark his ball and whatever. So it does suck. I don't know if you guys know how much. It's probably $3,000. No, not that much. What are you talking about?

His driver's $500. I would say if we can raise $2,000, he can get a set of irons, a driver, a 3-wood, and a hybrid. This is the idea. Can you send $1 on Venmo? I'm sure you can, right? Yeah. Send what you want.

Send what you want. If you want to send 10 or 20, that's great. If you want to send one, that's awesome. But I think it would be fun for everything that Dennis has put up with on this show. Let's get him a new set of golf clubs. I think that's a great idea. I love it. Of course you do. You just made fun of his belly and fucking sent him into a shame clubs. I think that's a great idea. I love it. Of course you do.

You just made fun of his belly and fucking sent him into a shame spot. I wonder if he's still alive. I'm going to give out his Venmo right now. Should we do a GoFundMe or should we just have people Venmo him? I think Venmo is just easier. I think people would rather do that. All right. Let's do that.

At DGubs. That's D as in Dennis. G-U-B as in boy. S. DGubbs. D-G-U-B-S. Put your name and write on it whether or not he should be on the show. And then we will check with him.

He will be honest about it. And we'll decide. So you can vote for whether he comes on the show while donating money to Dennis Gubbins so he can buy a new set of golf clubs. We'll let you know when we hit two thousand dollars. That's what he's going to need for a new set. And you'll know you have the right Venmo because there is there is a picture of an orangutan. I always say it wrong. Because one time at the beach, he overheard a very young child. This is his bit.

Say, why is there a wet orangutan over there, mommy? Because he's a little hairy and has the same body hair color as an orangutan. So that's it. Send what you want. It doesn't take many listeners to, and we're not telling him. I think money's just going to pour in and he's going to be shocked. Yeah.

I think it would be so cool. All right, good. I'm going to do it too. I'm going to send him a dollar. All right, let's get to Gwen's in the entertainment section. Let to do it, too. I'm going to send him a dollar. All right. Let's get to Gwen in the entertainment section. Let's do it.

Gwen Stefani is standing by her Harajuku era, which started with the release of her debut album, Love Angel Music Baby, and continued with the launch of her Harajuku Lovers fragrance. Stephanie was widely accused of appropriating Japan's Harajuku subculture in her album's artwork and marketing. She also traveled with four Harajuku girls, Japanese and Japanese-American backup dancers, who served as a kind of public entourage for Stephanie. and Japanese-American backup dancers who served as a kind of public entourage for Stephanie. Stephanie traveled to the Harajuku district as an adult. She told Allure, I said, my God, I'm Japanese, and I didn't know it.

I am, you know. As reported by Allure, during our interview, Stephanie asserted twice that she was Japanese. Hmm. Well, they're a persistent people. They are. Yes, and she's, you know, Hmm. Well, they're a persistent people. They are. Yes. And she's, you know, I mean, remember the song, I think I'm turning Japanese.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what that refers to? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've talked about that. Oh, we have. OK. Yeah. So it's the idea that you your eyes squint when you're coming while you're jerking off, and so you look Japanese. Which I think, when I jerk off, I think I'm turning Russian because I look sad and tired. Like I'm being told to fight a war in a foreign land against my will. I never thought it was because you're squinting when you come. I thought it was because when I come, I'm like, Azul! I thought it was because I think of Bobby Lee whenever I come.

And then also when I talk, my lips aren't in sync with the words. Like, I'm God-magnon and my lips are all out of sync. You can't just, Gwen, you can't just identify as Japanese. I know. First of all, I had a Japanese girlfriend and she would have none of it, although she didn't let me drive once I identified as Japanese. And then also, true story. I have a project I started. Not started. I pitched it and it's still in play about a Japanese soldier in World War II. And the most, of course, Hollywood is the most racist place anywhere. And by racist, I also mean they're so terrified of looking racist. They do racist things like every one of the suits.

I'm talking my agency, I'm talking a really funny production company that everybody has heard of. We're like, yeah, you need to find a Japanese or Japanese American person who can be a director or a co-writer or just someone you go in the room with because you are just a white guy. And I'm like, this is about World War II. Like, what are you talking about? And that's like, oh, I have friends who are black. It's worse than that. It's insane. So anyway.

Yeah. But Stefani, God bless her Japanese soul. In a recent Instagram post, Alec Baldwin paid tribute to his wife on her birthday by begging for more followers on Instagram. He did a video. According to the video, Hilaria Baldwin. Hilaria? Is it Hilaria? Hilaria.

Hilaria Baldwin was just a few followers shy of a million on social media. He posted a note that said thank you when she reached it. And then his daughter, I guess his daughter also came out and wrote, follow my mom on Instagram, please and thank you. He also asked people to give his wife a green card. Listen, after you give a dollar to Gubbins, just go over and follow Hilaria. Help her out. She's just a poor Spanish immigrant who was born and raised in Boston. Do people know this story? People know this story, right? How you say I can't do Spanish, now I'm doing Japanese.

I can't get out of it. How do you say I want followers? How do you say I want more followers? Even Gwen Stefani is like, bitch, you American. Bitch, are you American? Bitch, are you American? Is that our clip for the week? I put the Golden Globes in here.

I don't really have jokes on it. It was awful. Did you see Gerard Carmichael? Yeah, I mean, Gerard's so funny and he's so talented and he's a friend. He's so funny. But I really feel like he missed the mark on that show. I felt like it was a one-man show instead of a monologue. I know.

Great opening line, I'm here tonight because I'm black. Totally true. Yeah. I like that he went for the truth. And then some jokes were just so bizarre. And then, I don't know, it seems so many of them, the jokes were based in being gay. And I know that's new for him publicly, but I don't know. Also, the Golden Globes were just, I thought, really terrible.

Yeah, they were awful. You know who I loved was, who's the one from Russian Doll? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They told her at the end. She's loose, yeah. They told her at the end that she had no time. And so she said, well, I'm not supposed to talk much because there's no time.

And, you know, Natasha Lyonne. But what is time? It's an ethereal concept. And she started riffing on the philosophy of time. It was fucking genius. And she was so cool about it and funny. I was kind of blown away. She I thought she was a very good host of Saturday Night Live last season. Yeah. Yeah. She's she was great. Yeah.

So here's a new story you and I are just reading because Denman put it in. Do we want to do it next week and see how it falls out? It's Andy Dick. I mean, is it news to say Andy Dick is arrested again? Yeah. Let's see how it plays out next week. Yeah. You erased my Make America Florida story. It wasn't a Florida story in the sense that it was nothing. I mean, it was a criminal, but there was nothing outlandish about it. There was. OK, that's fascinating. Gregory says there's nothing outlandish. Gregory, my father used to call me that when I was in trouble. Yeah, you are right now. So Pennsylvania's 15 most wanted a guy on that list was arrested in Florida and there's nothing. What was already, outlandish? Yeah. I'll read the last paragraph. Officers pulled over

a silver sedan, and after a search of the car, they found 2.3 grams of fentanyl, as well as a loaded handgun, over 200 grams of marijuana, and 818 ecstasy pills.

Do you know how much 200 grams of marijuana is? It's like an ounce. No. That's a Fitz fact. Is that a Fitz fact? It's probably a pound. 200 grams. Over 800 ecstasy pills?

How about fentanyl? 2.3 grams of fentanyl. I bet a listener could tell us. I bet a listener could tell us how many people 2.3 grams of fentanyl can kill on average. Yeah. I'd be interested in that. But what's funny about it? What's funny about that story?

Your reaction is really the funniest part, quite honestly. But that's where you go when you have over 800 ecstasy pills, enough fentanyl to kill like a motel. That's where you go. You go to Florida. Yeah. All right, let's do your story. All right, let's do mine, just to show maybe you know, maybe more the spirit of what the Florida man is. Okay. Police in Clearwater arrested 36-year-old Chad Mason

on charges including sexual activity with an animal, exposing sexual organs, and criminal mischief to a place of worship. My guy would have gotten there if they didn't arrest him. He would have gotten there. Mason was walking a golden doodle owned by someone he knows. They are sexy. At 4.30 p.m. when he publicly had sex with the dog in the manger in front of witnesses, including a child who was younger than 16.

Afternoon delight. When he was approached by one of the witnesses, he reportedly fled the scene and began wreaking havoc in the surrounding area. He tore up the nativity scene. This sounds familiar. Yeah. I mean, that's a Florida man story. Not a guy in possession of drugs.

Did we do this story? No. It just happened at Christmas. It just happened this Christmas. I remember in December, though. All right, anyway. Well, it's contagious. It's going around. Well, look, first of all, golden doodles, they're good-looking dogs.

And it probably started with some heavy petting. I don't think he went straight to it. Yeah, and, you know, it feels nice. It's hair. It's not fur. Yes. And no allergens usually. I just can't imagine the kid's reaction.

Daddy, is he one of the wise men? Is that why he keeps saying, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. All right. Oh, man. Sports, sadly. all right man sports sadly oh i love this update i love it this is getting to be not even funny anymore We upped the bet to $100 and fucking, what was it, Atlanta last week? Yeah, they came back. You were winning it. We were hours ahead. I stopped watching.

I was like, great, finally. I'm chipping back a little bit. Atlanta turned it on. And then they, great, finally. I'm chipping back a little bit. Atlanta turned it on. And then they got fucking blown away. Yep. So I'm down $500 on the Buccaneers bets this year. This week coming up, they're playing Dallas. Dallas is giving them two and a half points.

We're going to get fucking blown out of the water by Dallas. Dallas is a good team. They're a sleeper. Might they be resting? I don't know what I'm talking about since they made the playoffs. Or does this have, do they have any skin in the game? Oh, I didn't know that. I think that would be the only reason why it's only two and a half points.

Yeah, maybe it's home field. Who knows? Anyway, what I like to, keep in mind, I paid you $400 instantly two years ago when Tampa Bay went all the way to the goddamn Super Bowl. We did double or nothing at 200 bucks on the last on the Super Bowl. So I'm playing with the casino's money. What are you thinking we're betting this week? Well, I feel like I'm going to lose. I'm not upping it.

It'll be 50 bucks. OK, I feel like I'm going to lose, so I'm not upping it. It'll be $50. Okay. I'm in for $50. We didn't do a side bet on the Rams-Broncos. Did we find that out? Nobody wrote in, so we must not have. I don't think we did. Holy shit. So Rabi calls me and wants to do the over-under on the Georgia game on

Monday night. I bet the under. What a goddamn joke. I am not even exaggerating. I do not think Georgia punted. They didn't in the first half, that's for sure. All I know is college football sucks because of the blowouts. There's always blowouts.

It's not a team. It's a bunch of kids trying to, you know. Chris, what did Georgia, did they score over 60 points or over 50? Every time they were handed the ball, I mean, they never did not convert. They just marched down the field. Yeah. Well. Every single time.

I'll tell you, the final was 65-7. Wow. I couldn't even hit the under when one of the teams scored seven. Yeah. I hate college football. Oh, what a joke. And goddamn Michigan would have gotten trounced. Michigan lost to the team that got seven points.

All right. International. international oh a walrus on the shore of scarborough uk in december brought visitors from far and wide to view the magnificent marine mammal that was a long way from home late night visitors to thor as the walrus has been nicknamed, got ringside seats to an unexpected peep show as it took the opportunity to masturbate. Nice. So his trip caused the town to cancel its New Year's Eve fireworks display in order to protect the mammal.

Yeah, I can't jerk off when this fucking firecracker's going off. What do you mean? How romantic, jerking off in the light of the fireworks. So we began masturbating with a flipper. You might think that behavior is crass, but it's common across many wild species. Thor could even be congratulated for practicing some restraint as some walruses have been observed practicing oral sex on themselves.

And I thought, man, I thought I had a problem with toothy blowjobs. Can you imagine a walrus? You thought you had a problem with that? Meanwhile, the Florida man just moved to Scotland. Fuck Labradoodles. I'm going to get a fin. I'm going to get a fin. I'm going to get a fin job. Yeah, exactly.

That's when you really, as an unevolved species, that's when you really lament not having the opposable thumb. I can't imagine trying to flip myself off. He's like, he's inside the dog. He's like, wait, did someone just say flipper? All right. Let's move down to... You want to do the science and technology?

It's not that great. All right. Then let's go down to this day in history. You got it. 2009. January 15th, pilot Sully Sullenberger performs Miracle on the Hudson. This was such a big story. Huge.

On January 15th, a potential disaster turned into a heroic display of skill and composure when Captain Chesley Burnett Sullenberger III safely landed the plane he was piloting on New York City's Hudson River after a bird strike caused its engines to fail. Which, by the way, how does that not happen more often? I have no idea. The governor of New York dubbed the incident Miracle on the Hudson. He was a former fighter pilot, and he'd received a slew of honors for his actions, including an invitation to Barack Obama's presidential inauguration. So about a minute after taking off from LaGuardia Airport, he collided with a flock of geese,

and both engines lost power and went quiet. So air traffic controllers instructed him to head for Teterboro Airport. He calmly informed them that he was unable to reach a runway. We're going to be in the Hudson, he said simply, and then told the 150 terrified passengers to brace for impact. Ninety seconds later, he glided the Airbus over the George Washington Bridge and onto the chilly surface of the Hudson River, where it splashed down between Manhattan and New Jersey. As flight attendants ushered passengers into life jackets through emergency exits, a flotilla of commuter ferries and sightseeing boats hastened to the scene.

One survivor suffered two broken legs. Others were treated for minor injuries or hypothermia. No fatalities. After walking up and down the aisle twice to ensure a complete evacuation, Sullenberger was the last to leave the sinking plane. He wrote a book about it and retired after 30 years in the airline industry and is now an advocate for aviation safety. Aviation safety.

The guy was, give me a pilot who's never had a land in the Hudson River. Right. By the way, I know the Tom Hanks movie tried to stir up like that he was falsely accused and he got in all this trouble. And I hated the movie and I think they didn't have anything. So I think they created a lot of drama. Falsely accused of what? No, that he was put through the ringer and that the airline investigations, especially driven, I think, by insurance, you know, and stuff like that,

that they thought he did the wrong thing. Huh. And that, you know, when whenever there's something like this, there's all these panels and you're in and there's a giant investigation. But I don't know if the investigation was that, you know, they were really accusing him. So I wonder, though, because I do know that they thought he could make it to Teterboro. I wonder if anyone is. I think it's Jersey. I wonder what the opinions are on that. Did he have to land it in the river?

I remember Jon Stewart had him on The Daily Show and he got a standing ovation for like eight minutes. It was such a big deal in New York. I think because of 9-11 and the idea of a plane flying through the city, there was just something that really struck home with people and that it was a good story coming out of it. Yeah. Imagine being on the West Side Highway and seeing that. I mean, those planes are gigantic. It comes over the George Washington bridge and then lands in the river. Yeah. That's crazy. All right. Let's get to some, all the boats get out there. Yeah. Let us hear in time. I know you got a hard out. Yeah. I don't know who has fucking hard outs on Saturdays, but I'm going

to go see, do you know what I'm doing? Jack Stout and his family are in town from Wyoming. That's a hard out to go. Yeah, I got to meet. I got to meet him for lunch. No, they're down in Anaheim. They're coming all the way up to L.A. in the driving rain. Also, by the way, his his daughter asked, he's like, do you think they have a target here? Because in Wyoming, a target is so incredibly rare. And so he's like, I think they have like eight or nine. And then he looked it up, and I think I have this right. The population of Orange County, where they are,

I think is six times the population of Wyoming. Yeah. There might be more. And just as Republican. Oh, God, yeah. So a lot of people wrote in. We asked who the best soccer players of all time were, and people got really worked up.

A lot of fucking mail. But this one guy is saying um Pele Maradona Johan Krajews George Best and Cristian Ronaldo and doesn't put Messi on the list so I can't that's Ed Herrera I can't take that less very seriously um this one comes from Andy in San Diego. Top five soccer players of all time. Number one, nobody cares. Number two, still nobody cares. Three, never heard of them.

Four, that soccer guy. And number five, the girl that took her shirt off. Nice list. So let's see. This is from Greg Reinenheimer. Oh, he took you to task, which I know you like when I read these. Yeah, I do. During predictions for this year's coming year,

Mike said he doesn't know much about Elon Musk and Twitter because he's, quote, a little out of the news cycle. That's what this podcast is all about, the fucking news cycle. Ironically, that didn't stop Mike from critiquing Musk, Twitter, or Tesla. This guy's clearly a Musk fan. Yeah. While he himself admitted to not even doing the tiniest bit of work for the one podcast that he's supposedly the co-host of.

Oh, I'm definitely the co-host. Even worse, this comment came just five minutes after you guys discussed if you will have work in 2023. I have a prediction for Mike. No, especially if there is a potential worker listening to the podcast. And here's Mike saying, employer listening to the podcast. And here's Mike saying he does absolutely no work for the one job that he actually has. Greg, I hope you aren't sharing any of the millions with him that you make from this podcast.

Keep up the great work. I'm sure your shoulders are sore. Oh, Greg Reinheimer. That's a little harsh, but pretty well written, I got to say. I would respond, but I'm a little tired because I've been working for about an hour and 15 minutes now. Yeah. Yeah. Do you worry about potential employers hearing you on the podcast and saying, I don't want to hire this guy now? Oh, no, I don't. With the Gwen Stefani story, I don't worry about that.

Now that sounds Dutch. You went from Japanese to Spanish to Dutch. I'm blurring it because that way when I get accused of mocking or making fun of the Japanese accent, I'm like, Japanese? Listen to it. That's not Japanese.

And that's all, folks. Let's get to the obituaries. Real quick. Oh, boy. Jeff Beck, who was one of my favorite guitar players of all time. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with Jeff Beck. I had all his albums. And, I mean, jazzy, punky.

He just really was a guy. When he started out, the Jeff Beck, I think it was called the Jeff Beck Band, When he started out, the Jeff Beck, I think it was called the Jeff Beck Band, and it was Rod Stewart singing and Ronnie Wood on guitar with him. And then those guys left to go to the Faces, or I guess it was called the Little Faces at first. And then he went on to play for the Yardbirds. He replaced Eric Clapton in the Yardbirds and has gone on to... You know who I thought of immediately was...

Do you know Tal Wilkenfeld, the bass player from Australia? That woman? No. She's got blonde, super curly hair. She's kind of a big... She's a really well-known bass player. She plays with a lot of bands.

And Chris Chaney knows her. And she played with Jeff Beck. That was her gig. She played with him for years. And he was like a real father figure to her and a real mentor. And she wrote some beautiful stuff about him passing. You want to cover Lisa Marie? Yeah, I mean, I wrote, you know, I put in here a lot of stuff, but just, you know,

everyone knows who she is. I just think it's fascinating. If you think about her life, she is the daughter of Elvis and married the king of pop, Michael Jackson, she was intimately involved with two of arguably the most famous people ever on planet Earth. Like, yeah, they're in the top 10 for sure, no matter how you slice it. Like the whole world was sad when they died. I mean, you know what I mean is like every country had people who were sad that they died. I mean, you know what I mean is like every country had people who were sad that they died. Every country knew their face and that fame is insanity. And both of them, both of them, a huge part of their death, a huge part of their drug addiction was this unbelievable quality of fame that really America created because our technology I think was so far ahead. Like, and now it's all over the world. I mean,

if you're a star in India, you know, it's the same thing, but, uh, it really was. It's like to think of her life with those two people. Yeah. No wonder when she I forget what age it was and she got a divorce from her first husband. She moved into the Scientology building, the Celebrity Center in L.A. I didn't know that. Oh, I didn't know that. Was she a Scientologist or. Yeah, she. Well, I don't know about at the end, but she was a Scientologist at the beginning. Yeah. And so, you know, when she was 25, I think she came into, you know, the estate, which was at that time. And keep in mind, it was minuscule, was worth a hundred million, I think. And it has only grown much, much larger. And that was all Priscilla.

Priscilla had no, I mean, Elvis left her like $1 million. Like, he was in debt. He fucking spent everything. I just listened to two audio books on Elvis's life. And it was crazy how much money that guy spent. So she took Graceland and she turned it into what it was today. Otherwise, there would be no money. And because a lot of his publishing rights were she he had lost to Colonel Tom Parker and to different record companies.

And she fought to get some of those back, by the way. Yes. And this is all being not even a widow. I mean, they were long divorced. And this is all being not even a widow. I mean, they were long divorced and he was with someone else, many people, but he was with a kind of well-known girlfriend when he died. But I was, you know, Wheeler Walker Jr. got married at Graceland. So I saw the whole layout. They had their reception in his car museum. She created all of that. She created this little, it's like this little fake town with a main street across the street from Graceland. And there's a hotel. There's a theater that's like, you know, when I was there, I literally looked up. Wait, is that because it felt like walking on a movie lot? I'm like, there's a marquee.

I go, is that a real theater or is that just like a facade? Cause it said like Dwight Yoakam on Thursday and no, it's a real theater. Yeah. So, and, and, and the gift shops and there's museums of more than the cars, there's museums of his guns and all this stuff. And of course you can tour Graceland, um what a weird she married Nicolas Cage like it's she just had this kind of very wild life wild life and very sad at the end I mean I saw her interviewed at the Golden Globes and she seemed pretty zonked out she seemed like she was on something um but uh yeah I was sad that one made me sad. She lost her son to suicide also. Yeah, right. They say she never really recovered from that.

Right. All right, well, let's cheer up after that. Yes. It's the Sunday funnies, everybody. And in this particular one, Helga in Haggar the Horrible is sitting and she's talking to her friend and is it a fortune teller or is it a friend

I don't know maybe just a friend and the woman says what's one good thing about and one bad thing about your husband and Helga goes his curiosity and then she turns around and he's sitting behind her listening with his hand to his ear. And she goes, his curiosity.

I would have listed rape. I mean, if you're going for the bad thing. Yeah. Well, her wedding night rape doesn't count. But now his raping of other women, I would have thought would have come up yeah given the opening maybe it would be his erections like that if you had to name one thing that's good and bad yes something like that would uh would solve both right yeah uh here's a great lockhornseroy and Loretta are at a cocktail party. Leroy is leering at a beautiful blonde woman in a purple dress. And Loretta says to Leroy, I'll tell you what she has that I haven't got, a restraining order. I like that one.

That's pretty good. And then Leroy's talking to... I like that one on the upper left. Yeah. Leroy's talking to Loretta and he goes, my ambition in life, to finish this sentence. And I thought when I read that one that you really could take every Lockhorn's cartoon and put the word fucking in and make it twice as funny. My ambition in life to finish this fucking sentence.

Yeah. That is good. I like i like that and then another one the two of them are looking at cars and the salesman is looking at loretta and she goes don't ask me i have a history of picking fucking lemons they're mean but it's funny yeah um here's a a far side I found. It's a bunch of cobras in a room in a like in an apartment and they're in a room and they're all looking very social and talking and they're all up, you know, and their hoods are open. And then the caption goes in the corner, Vance was putting the move on two females, unaware that his fake hood had begun to slip. And you see his hood with a little attachment thing is down his neck. It's like down below his Adam's apple.

It's not even near his head. And it's the toupee joke. And I just think it's so absurd and good that's great yeah it is okay well I don't know what to say about this but Blondie and Dagwood this is their this is their life they sit on chairs with their backs to each other it's the weirdest layout ever. They're both reading books. And she says, I've decided to start healthy new habits this year. That's nice. And Dagwood goes, without looking up. Good for you, dear. And then she goes, how about taking a brisk walk before and after dinner each evening? And he goes, that sounds perfect. and then in the last frame he goes at least the dinner part

does hey fuck face you mediocre you're living the life of a 1950s caricature get the fuck up if she wants to take a walk support her take the walk with her stop obsessing about food and focus on taking a walk and maybe getting your libido up where you give her the fucking action she deserves in 2023. This is going to be her year, I think, for Greg. You're going to be satisfied this year.

We're going to find some. I'm going to find some Dagwood. I'm going to find him. There's got to be some strips where he does something right at work, like fucking stays awake, where he comes home, pitches in on dinner, throws a move on it. They've got to exist. All right, let's look for it.

All right. Well, Mike, we've gone past your heart out by 13 minutes. It's okay. Okay. The rain is slowing down their drive up here from orange county okay good all right well we're going to remind people uh the special is officially announced on this episode come see it february 5th at the comedy store two shows on a sunday night come out and see the taping it's's going to be historic. I'm really excited about it. Mike, anything you want to plug?

Yes, Greg. I'd like to plug February 5th at the Comedy Store. Nice. Yes. I think everybody should go there. All right. I love it. I'm going to have a surprise guest open for me.

I'm going to get somebody really big to open up because I want the crowd fucking hot. So we'll see. We'll see who it's going to be. I just confirmed Orange County is six times the population of Wyoming. Wow. Yep. And how many targets are in Los Angeles? Did you figure that out?

Do you think if I Googled how many targets are in Orange County, it would tell me? I mean, I know I could go look up. I bet you Orange County has a dozen targets. Are in Orange. I wonder how many are in Wyoming. Well, it gave me the locations. I mean, it's at least 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Oh, Jesus. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Oh, Jesus, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

We really know how to blow out the end of a podcast. Really close strong by counting targets in Orange County. I think 20. Okay. All right, folks. Thanks for listening. Thanks to Midcoast Media, Key, and Chris, and Beth, and John, and everybody that keeps the thing moving forward. And we'll catch you guys next week.

Wyoming has one. Five, I think. Wow. I think five. There you go. What an ending. Kaboom. Like the fireworks finale. Huh? go. What an ending. Kaboom.

Like the fireworks finale. Huh? Everybody take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Sunday Papers With Greg and Mike Giving you the latest world news In a tone you like

Funniest jokes Their strangest takes Telling us tales from Florida That'll make you shake Read all about it Sunday, May 1st, company F about it Sunday Papers Company if I'm sitting next to Blondie you want to guess my thoughts maybe it's the smooth cheeks

of your ass and you and I looked around and we're like we should get out of here get out