Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 149 1/29/23

Episode Date: January 29, 2023

This week we count down the time until Mike’s Adderall kicks in. McDonalds “rewards" a man with free food, a man is killed by his wife for sleeping with her grandma, a dog shoots a man and Trump is back on Facebook. Also, Marie Kondo has turned into a slob.  

Read all about it, but the news is still coming to you live. It's Sunday paper. My childhood herpes, my childhood herpes, my childhood herpes. I took a shit in the shower. My childhood herpes, my childhood herpes, my childhood herpes. The V is for my giant. Give me a crinkle. Alright, here we go.

Try to put more food in your mouth as we start the fucking podcast. Read all about it! Read all about it. Read all about it. Extra, extra. From Portland, Oregon. The weather report, bleak, cold. Oh, you're not going to like it. Let's do, even though we started, you moron, let's do the claps for audio.

Go ahead. Okay, let's do it. One, two. Oh, wait, I have to unplug. Do it again. Oh, shit. Go ahead. One, two, three. All right, here's mine.

One, two, three. Boy, that's entertainment. Read all about it. You're doing that again? No, I can't. No. I'm losing my voice. I did so much press yesterday in Portland, and then I did an interview.

I had Sam Morrell on the podcast. He'll be on this week, and that was a good one. What a fucking funny dude. He's just such a great guy. You sound a little who are you talking about sam morel check oh he's such a good guy great dude you did the letterman thing with him right yeah so i was doing it it was that week it was the netflix i'm gonna finish chewing it was a netflix comedy special oh uh comedy that week. And then I went up to see

Bert Kreischer up at the Greek, like a few days before I had never met Sam and, uh, he was on the ticket there. And so in the after party thing at the Greek, um, I forget who I was with introduced me and I go, Oh, Hey, you know, um, you know, I'm, uh, and he's kind of looking at me strange. And, uh, I said, I'm going to, I'm, I'm one of the writers and I'm producing under the Letterman thing. And I'll see you down there. You know, I'll see you tomorrow down at the, at the Henry Fonda theater, blah, blah, blah. And I'm, and I'm just like saying stuff. And I said, you know, I'm, you know, I introduced who I was and everything. He's like, wait, dude. He's like, you're on Fitzsimmons podcast.

I of course I fucking and he was so complimentary. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. He's he's really, you know, he's he's part of a group of guys coming out of New York. That's really like has has been a big part of comedy. know and I don't think I'm underselling this I think that there's a handful of these guys him and Mark Norman and Joe List and they they've really pushed comedy onto YouTube in a way that it wasn't there before and they've made it so that any comic can put a one hour special on youtube and get real uh views and and it'd be absolutely replace netflix um and it's because he does really good fucking comedy and i just watched his his new special yesterday on netflix it's not it came out in september but uh it's so solid yeah no he's really good. And you often post his crowd work, you know, and he gets I guess he's just so open to it that increases your chances of getting because you have to get lucky with crowd work, you know? Yeah.

And and he does. It seems a lot. But he probably does a lot of it. But anyway, also so nice and a real New Yorker like in Manhattan. And so we really talked a lot about that because some people like will call themselves a New York comic. But they're you know, they're not a real New Yorker. Right. Nice. So Portland's all right. Portland's all right. We've been selling out all the shows and people have been really kind. We had we had these two women come out

and uh i couldn't fucking believe it i'm selling my merch after the show because i'm a whore and then i look over in the corner of my eye and there's a woman and it's blondie she's blondie she has on the blondie outfit the blonde wig um she's kind of hot did she double down and wear uh prosthetic asian feet she did not but and she was with another woman who was dressed up as hager the horrible and i was like what the fuck is going on here and it was this woman erin beckstead is her name she's my other erin on the internet and uh they hung out we took a bunch of pictures well post it if you it well let's put it on the show right here here's a picture of us together and uh and i'll also put on instagram but uh it

was i was very touched it was it was awesome that's amazing and then then also, like, I like these. Here, I'll hold these up as well. I like these nuts. Okay. They're from Trader Joe's. They're sesame honey cashews. Oh, you talked about the shortage of them. And there's a shortage of them, and they don't sell them in L.A., and so two different people came to the show. One of them gave me three bags, and one of them. And there's a shortage of them, and they don't sell them in L.A., and so two different people came to the show.

One of them gave me three bags, and one of them gave me two bags. So I got a bunch that I'm bringing home, which was very sweet. And it's just been great. They've been great shows. It would be cool if someone brought you the same size bag full of Adderall because of that shortage and how hard they are to get. Are they hard to get? Really? Okay, so get this.

I've heard about it, you know, whatever, but I hardly take them, which is a big problem because I'm in, I'd say, a full-blown spiral of being unproductive. But anyway, I found a little pill. I found it in the bottom of my shape kit. I should take it now, and we should try to track when it kicks in.

Would that be a fun thing to do? Yeah, let's do it. Even though, by the way... Adderall countdown. What is it, usually about 30 minutes? I don't know. I take a baby amount. I also, in my other hand, have a coffee.

So I'm a full-blown junkie right now. So here we go. Here goes the five milligram. It's technically, it's, what's it called? Time release? No, Ritalin. Oh, Ritalin. Yeah, that's what I take.

Yeah, I think you recommended it to me. I really can't tell. It's all cocaine. So anyway, I go into the pharmacy, and they are out. And that was the first time it ever happened to me. And I'm like, and I thought the pharmacist kind of had a sense of humor. And I was like, well, do any other CVSs have it? She's like, let me check.

And I'm like, and I'll drive out of state. And the joke kind of fell flat. She just like looked at me a little alarmed. But I seemed like a junkie. I mean, that was the idea. And I think I did it maybe too well. Yeah. You should have told your sucker dick for it if

you needed to. I'll meet you by the dumpster. Yeah, it helps. It definitely helps if you need it. You know what's weird about Portland? The shows have no black people. And I do a couple jokes that are racially charged, that are a little bit

edgy where i talk about race and they do not work in portland they because there's so much white guilt that everybody just clams up well i am not by any stretch of stand-up although i am going to be in town on the 17th it looks like march okay yeah yeah so am not, but Greg, it lets me go up, you know, once a year. And sometimes I do a school benefit and it's, you know, it's very well, uh, people are told I'm a comedy writer more than anything. Anyway, I remember doing a school benefit. You were there as well for a friend. And I did that joke about MILF that the hottest MILF are obviously Latinas and, you know, people applaud or whatever.

I'm like, you know, because they're 18 and we did it. And I'm like, where am I? And I'm like, where are my MILFs at? And no one clapped. I'm like, oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This doesn't feel good anymore. Now this feels more like a meeting and it's not very it's not very good

so stand-ups must encounter that all the time well that's why i love uh new york comedy the most because there's just such diversity in the crowd you get you got genuine latino and black people you know just like the city is just such an organic mixture of people and la i don't i don't always feel like that in la right no la you were talking about a little at the beginning of this with uh chris uh la is the word like where to tape your special it's like la the store is getting good crowds though don't you think but la is tough yeah la is tough. Yeah, L.A. is tough. And I think I might be crazy shooting my special in L.A. I mean, these crowds are so hot in Portland.

I was thinking maybe I should have shot it here. But I'm really excited. And if you want to come down, we're trying to sell out two shows on Sunday night, the 5th of February, in the original room, which is the best room to play in. And I'm going to have a couple of hot shot friends stop by and do sets. of February at the, in the original room, which is the best room to play in. And, uh, I'm going to have a couple, a hotshot friends stop by and do sets. So it's going to be fun.

And, um, get your tickets at Fitz dog.com. Tell your friends, let's fill it up. This is a huge night for me. This is like, this is my comeback special.

Mike, I haven't done a special in like seven or eight years. I wouldn't call it a comeback as LL says uh have you landed on a name are we allowed to talk about this um I had some ideas I gave you some ideas oh yeah what yeah you gave me some good ideas what were they uh you don't know me you don't know me which, because we're trying to tap into your material, and I love that bit you do. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay. And then the other one was the $2, well, I said the $1 stand-up special. And then people, yeah, and then people pay on the YouTube. I also need a set design. Like, right now we've got the Comedy Store logo. We're going to hang it behind the stage. We got some vertical lights that are going to shoot straight up. And then we've got a black curtain. But I think I want to put something on stage. What should I put on stage with me? Why don't you put a Kardashian? Yeah.

I think you'll get a lot more views. Yes. You know, this may not be true, but I kind of think it is. I kind of know it is, but I'm just going to say for safety that maybe this is true. But I think it was Gerard Carmichael did his special at the store. He did in the original room where I'm doing mine. Did Bo Burnham direct? Maybe I think so. Yes.

And the curtain behind him was a little open and in a, a huge part of the budget went frame by frame, closing that curtain in post. Really? Yep. It was weird. I heard that. Yeah. Something was off. They didn't like it. And I think weird. I heard that. Yeah, something was off.

They didn't like it. And I think I might have heard that from a manager. Anyway, so I don't know why they did that. I like, I like, Chappelle did a special there and it was just, there's the comedy store curtain. No big deal. Right. I think Chappelle did his in the main room and I'm doing mine in the in the I wanted the intimacy of the of the original room. No, I like the original room. Yeah. You can still see outside, right?

Yeah, you can still see outside. That's always kind of a but it's not behind the stage. So I think that's a cool part of that room, too. Not behind the stage. So I think that's a cool part of that room, too. The logo this week. You know, an interesting open, not that I'm directing this, would be a shot of L.A. And you pull all the way back and get to you. You know what I mean?

Like you pull back into the room. Through the window. Yeah. Like you're looking at the cameras looking out the window, which you wouldn't know you get, you know, nice clean shot. And then it pulls back, back, back. You could even do something fancier where it really does start outside. You come up, you know, and you'd have to pre-shoot that. And then, and then the camera pulls all the way back to, you know, your main camera in the back of the room. Yeah, that's good. I like that. You know, it establishes L.A., it establishes the energy in the room and all that stuff. Right.

Okay, I'll direct. What? From Craig Godet. Craig Godet gave us this beautiful shot. It looks like awkward family photos type of shot. Now, so I wasn't going to say anything i think we've used that logo nope we never used it is that the the confidence we were referring to the other week the unyielding confidence yeah when i it's now we've used a lot of Craig Godet stuff. He's one of our most, uh, you know, uh, prominent, uh, logo designers. He does a lot of good ones. Uh, and he he's done other ones.

Maybe that's what you're confusing it with. I'm going to hear, I'm going to tee up next week's first correction. I'm going to say Craig Adet sent us a new logo and look at it and we've never used it before. And next week in corrections, the first letter will be from Craig himself. You used my logo again. What about

the song? Mac Bowman's song is Kick Ass. Very cool. Good editing. Thank you, Mac. Thank you, Mac. Yeah. Thank you, Craig and Mac. Let's get to those corrections you speak of, Mike Gibbons.

All right. Which middle name? There's hardly ever any. What's your middle name? It's called, I don't want to give away my identity. Oh, okay. Yeah, let's not do it.

I don't have one. And what's your mother's maiden name? Oh, no. Speaking, this is from Rickick schwartz uh speaking of which on a recent sunday papers mike used the word nonplussed incorrectly as if to mean not impressed that's actually the opposite of its meaning nonplussed comes from the latin no more meaning bewildered or puzzled just trying trying to enlighten. He's right. You know, I gave up on that word. I'm surprised I used it.

But I might have looked nonplussed. So do you know the confusion with this word? No. So I think the most common mistake is probably the one he's saying I made, which is that nonplussed means you can't be bothered because you're expressionless. Yeah. This is where it gets confusing. The true meaning, I believe, is when you're nonplussed, you are so baffled and lost that you look expressionless. That you look expressionless.

Okay. So you can look the same for either emotion. So if you're plussed. If you're plussed. If you're plussed. If you're plussed one. Nate S. says, I know Mike is not the biggest fan of him or Good Will Hunting, but it was Matt Damon, not Jude Law, who played the talented Mr. Ripley. Jude Law was in the movie, but played the friend that Ripley lied to and stole the identity of.

That works. He's totally right. We got a bunch of those. A bunch of people pointed that out. Because Jude would be the one you'd really envy, you know, if you were like one of those scammers. Jude is just so naturally, you know, a rich boy getting into clubs, playing jazz in the club, whatever was going on. Yeah. Chad Richen says, hey, Greg, can't wait to see you in Portland this weekend. I think you just said on the pod, Richie Halens died with Buddy Holly.

I think you're conflating singers Richie Valens and Richie Havens. I think you're conflating singers Richie Valens and Richie Havens. I got that correction from a few people, one of them from a guy who was kind of a fucking douchebag about it. Oh. And was like, stop pretending you know what you're talking about. I just fucked up. What about no conflation with Van Halen?

With Van Halen, right. I don't know if conflating. You know, we got a correction once on the word conflate. Triple H says, the Backstreet Boys album Millennium is the biggest boy band album with every song being a hit. Over 24 million sold.

Holy shit. Greg was right. Elvis didn't fuck the nun, Mary Tyler Moore. Her being the one lead in a movie with him that didn't have sex with each other. Hmm. OK. Triple H, a wrestler. What kind of name is that? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe maybe it's a woman and she's got gigantic tits. Oh, I didn't think of that. Well, that could also be a wrestler.

Oh, I didn't think of that. Well, that could also be a wrestler. Tour dates coming up. I'll be in La Jolla in San Diego at the store on February 2nd, running the special for the last time. Come out and see it. Nice. Also, Helium in Philly on March 9th through the 11th.

And then we're going to be at the Improv in L.A., me and you. Look at that. The St. Patrick's Day show, March 17th. Boston coming up in June, and let's talk a little bit about ExpressVPN. Get it for your computer right now. Yes. If you don't, your computer is vulnerable. It is like the delicate skull of a new baby, and you need to put a helmet on it.

It's also not as powerful. That's right. You can watch shows that are available in Europe that you can't watch here. I'm now, our family is thinking about going to Europe in June. I know you're going at some point. I recommend this to you. I heard a hack.

You search for flights using a European address. Yes, you can save a lot of money on flights by buying them as if you're in london or portugal or whatever uh so you can do that and then when you're overseas you're going to be in a lot of like networks you're going to be on like cafes and hotels airports hackers that's where they grab you so use your your ExpressVPN. Then it pops on. For me, it turns on automatically. But I think you might have to push a button. It depends on – but it works on your phone, your tablet, your computer. These hackers make like $1,000 per person selling personal info on the web. So they are highly motivated.

The encrypted tunnel creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the Internet. Hackers can't steal your sensitive data. It would take a billion years to get past their encryption. Fire up the app, click one button, and get started. So I love it. I watch shows that I set from England. I watch some crime shows that are not available here. It's important because you hear about people losing everything.

Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com slash papers. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash papers. And you can get an extra three months free. ExpressVPN.com slash papers. Okay. You got a paper? I don't. I got nuts. All right. Yeah, let's do it. Why don't you just hold your nuts and caress them? I'm squeezing and caressing my nuts yeah and then we'll be good tesla's autopilot and full self-driving systems have a safety feature that warns drivers to keep their hands on the wheel at all times but some drivers have been able to go hands-free with various tricks,

including strapping ankle weights to the steering wheel so as to kick back and do whatever. I don't get this. What's the full self-driving benefit if you have to keep your hands on the wheel? Yeah, I don't know. I think this is kind of the way elon uh must treats his wife and children like kind of put your hands on the wheel once in a while but really you're not paying attention maybe this is how the guy steered his family off the pch and went down 200 200 feet down the cliff

right yeah oh you're supposed to equally distribute the ankle weights yeah i just love if you get pulled over for drunk driving you'd be like officer i was not driving it was it was the car i tried to talk to him he called me a pussy oh that's what i've always thought is like if you're driving home and get pulled over for a DUI, you'd be like, the car doesn't drink. Like you're just slurring. Why are you even talking to me? Yeah. Just wait till the airbag.

The first the first accident where the airbag smashes those ankle weights into your stupid face. Yeah. Because they're wrapped around the wheel. Right. Yeah. Because they're wrapped around the wheel. Right. It is it is the wrong car for a culture as lazy as America. A McDonald's in Indiana accidentally gave a customer a bag of cash instead of his order when he went to pick up his food. The man is seen in the video pulling small plastic bags of cash out of the bag.

He said he returned the money because he's a good person oh my god look at that an employee said i really want to give you a hug the man said the employees rewarded him for returning the cash by giving him 200 in free mcdonald's food for a month three weeks later the man died from diarrhea yes hi i'll have one of your happy steals please oh punny listen even if they were giving out bags of cash truly bags of cash i don't think i would go to the mcdonald's on lincoln here in santa monica do you Lincoln here in Santa Monica. Do you know? It is so sketchy. Do you know that I go to the McDonald's on Lincoln every Saturday before we tape Sunday papers? I get up, I go to the drive-thru, and I get an Egg McMuffin and hash browns, and I eat

it on the way to my office. This is the weirdest brag or whatever share I've ever heard. Why? I don't know. It's like my guilty pleasure. I know it's bad and I feel bad doing it. And then I eat it and then I crash and I think, why do I do that? But I do it every week.

And, you know, there's a drive-thru at that Starbucks. Ugh. But the Starbucks, I'm going going to say is arguably less healthy. I told you, I think I even said this on the podcast, but I drive around and if a kid, a baby, when my kids were really young was asleep in the back, you know, you're not waking that fucking thing. And so I couldn't leave the car. So those are the only times i've ever been at that starbucks drive-thru which is so much longer than just going in and so what happens is you have to watch one uh obese arm after the next come out of like a minivan or giant suv and grab their fucking milkshakes

yeah which have like caramel all over them and fat. It's it's a dairy queen. I know. And you see the and the back of the minivan has the drawings of each kid and they can't even fit in the windshield. The windshield is not big enough. Just the kids, the parents are on, you know, have wrapped around the side of the minivan. It's ridiculous. All right, speaking of SUVs, Virginia woman rolls her husband over 39 times with her SUV after catching him cheating. This story was a fantastic read. Around 8.30 p.m. Friday night,

a caller reported a road rage incident in the lakeside neighborhood of Richmond. When the cops arrived at the scene, they witnessed a Ford escape going back and forth violently. They soon became aware of a man who was lifeless on the ground beneath the SUV. Lieutenant Craig Smith reported that Samantha Warren's 28 was furious and yelled insults while she was being taken into custody. Quote, the officers were trying to read her rights to her, but she kept yelling at the inanimate husband and telling him to go to hell. According to Lieutenant Smith, at this point, Miss Warren's grandmother emerged out of the home in her underwear and told the officers. Yeah.

And I just won this crime scene. Couldn't get uglier. She emerged in her underwear and told the officers that the young woman had caught her husband and she nude together when she end in bed, when she arrived home from work earlier than normal. Wow. So I looked, together when she, and in bed when she arrived home from work earlier than normal. So I looked at the comments and there were a bazillion of them, but two that made it very close to the top were, um, y'all are liars on here. You know, if you caught your man in bed with your grandmother, you'd go ham.

That was, that was a lot. Go ham. I've never heard that before. Yeah, no, I can't make it up. That's a Theovonism. And then another one was, unless she suffered from dementia, that grandma knew what she was doing. Although how hot and sexy would it be to have sex with somebody with dementia? Because, you know, you talk about letting go into a good fantasy. That's what sex is all about. She's believing that it's World War II. She's a medic.

You're on the battlefield. There's gunshots going overhead. And apparently your fantasy of having sex with a woman with dementia. Let's not leave that one out. What about this woman's poor mom she's totally left out skipped a generation maybe the mom's in prison for running over her husband who slept with her mom before she was a grandma yeah i mean look how is laughter not your reaction to this you come home and you catch your husband in bed with your grandmother. You just got to go. Life is funny, isn't it? You know, let let the old lady have a little fun on the way.

It's not like it's going to be a long standing affair. She's going to be dead soon. If you don't think Tyler Perry is making them all black and turning this into Medea's next movie, you're crazy. All right. This one I found. A gun goes off during an MRI. Did you find this or did I find it? Did I cut it down? All right, I cut it down. Go for it. No, you found it, didn't you?

Oh, okay. A gun goes off during an MRI injuring the patient's son. According to reports from CNN Brazil, a 40-year-old man was accompanying his mother to her MRI exam when the magnet caused a gun secured on his waist to fire, shooting him in the abdomen. He remains hospitalized in serious condition. Both the victim and his mother had been informed of metallic contraindications and were instructed to leave any metal objects outside the MRI suite prior to entering.

Can you imagine the mom in the MRI tube? You know, because you know it makes that noise like bong, bong, bong. And all of a sudden it's like bong, bong, bang, bong, bong. You're like, what was that? And then you're left in there two hours as they're tending to your bleeding son right right right and the doctor i'll tell you the doctors operating on the gunman took they took three hours on what would be a one-hour procedure they were not gonna fuck up with this guy no no they know they should make all metal detectors out of MRIs no one would ever try to smuggle a gun anywhere ever again I know that's crazy I can't I can't believe it made it

fucking shoot that's crazy yeah I don't know how it made it shoot I know I know it's a very serious issue if there's metal you know in there and stuff I issue if there's metal, you know, in there and stuff. I mean, they ask you about dental, you know, any metal dental work, all that stuff. It's M. It's right. It's right there in the name. It's the M. It's magnetic. Former President Donald Trump will regain access to his Facebook and Instagram accounts in the coming weeks. Trump was indefinitely suspended following the January 6th riot in a statement. Meta determined that maintaining the ban on Trump would be impractical and detrimental to free speech. As a general rule, we don't want to get in the way of open public and democratic debate on Meta's platform.

The public should be able to hear what politicians are saying, the good, bad, and the ugly, and they can make informed choices at the ballot box. Meta determined Trump's risk of inciting future political violence had significantly receded. So the bad news is Trump is back on Facebook. The good news is nobody cares. Yeah. Well, George Santos is the one, I don't know if you know this, that let Trump back on Facebook because he created Facebook at Harvard.

At Harvard? Oh, wow. I didn't know that. He lied. He lied about Barack or whatever the other college was. Right, right. He lied about that one. He admitted he lied about that when he admitted he lied and how could he have been there because he was stealing

the Facebook idea from the twins at Harvard actually he's a Winklevoss he's a way the triplets they're triplets they're triplets he's any any road crew in drag he was the coxswain but he also used an oar he's the the coxswain, but he also used an oar. He's the only coxswain to use an oar in the history of Harvard. All right, so let me get this straight. A politician nobody cares about is allowed back on a platform nobody cares about to talk about legal cases against him nobody cares about. Welcome to Sunday Papers.

Yeah. And all of that not caring about. And he will be in the White House in two years. Do you think so? Did you predict that for our predictions? I don't think I did. I can't believe he's still going. You're freezing.

Oh, I am? Oh, I think it's me. It just said my internet is unstable. So, I hope for the best. Denman, how's it look to you? Let us know. Everything's unstable about your situation. All right, speaking of unstable, good news for Gubbins.

All right. And I should point out that Blondie and Hager, the two women that showed up to my show, were split in a heated discussion about whether Gubbins should be allowed on the show. One of them felt like, you know, he's earned his way on, she's fascinated, and the other one felt like she feels like it's better to be a mystery. So this Aaron Blah says, can you guys please lessen the gubbins talk? I have no idea who this guy is and severely don't care.

Interesting. Sounds like a trust fund entitled loser. Oh. No, he's not. Not the first part. Who has time to play golf and get in fights? He makes time. Come to L.A.

You'll see a lot of them. Love you guys. Hate the gubbin stories. Make it stop, please. It's so boring, but he wrote me an apology last night for his behavior. We played yesterday morning, and I hit like a breakfast ball and then i hit another one breakfast balls when he hit a second shot the second ball uh mulligan so i went over and i and i did have a shot i did somehow i would have had whatever anyway i pick it up i go play my

mulligan river he does the same thing he plays both his balls and he calls an air murphy which is anyway he he calls like i Murphy, which is a bad. Anyway, he calls, like, I'm going to make the next shot while it's in the air. And I'm like, well, which one are you playing? He got furious. Yeah. Anyway, that story wasn't worth telling. But the new and improved Gubbins wrote me an apology last night.

Really? Yes. He didn't need to. We repaired and all that stuff but yeah uh he's a little more stressed than normal his father's sick in the hospital and they're keeping him for another week so i think he's uh he's a little riled up but um i think we're gonna play with him uh on monday right yeah so uh get ready aaron if that's your real name. We'll have more boring government stories next week. Yeah.

Let's get to entertainment. Sure. This paper isn't crinkling very loud. Let me get a better piece of paper. I have a plastic bag. Do you think that'll work? Oh, yeah. Listen to that.

Good, good. All right. That's good. Good. All right. Adam Lambert has responded to rumors that Theo James is being eyed to portray George Michael in a new biopic. James, who is best known for his turn in The White Lotus, recently revealed he'd be up for playing gay pop star Michael, but hitmaker Lambert isn't pleased. In response to James' potential casting, he said,

yay, another straight man playing a gay icon. So gay to say yay like that. Yeah, I don't think he was being sarcastic. And people have mixed feelings about the American Idol's take. Well, I think, is it the take, can he sing? Should we factor in, can he sing should should we factor in can he sing yeah and i think i think lambert is gay i think lambert is too gay for the role because you know george michael didn't come off as like flaming and this guy adam lambert is flaming when you look back he seemed pretty flaming. George Michael? I asked my mom.

So my mom was born in 44. So that means she was 30 in 1974, right? So I asked her about the village people. She's in her 30s when the village people are out. I'm like, did everyone, did you, and you know, she's street smart, grew up in the Bronx. Right. And, and by the way, the, the, the voguing and everything, I'm not saying my mom was in, in basements in Harlem voguing, but I'm just saying it was all around. I mean, this was the Bronx. It was New York. It was even then a Mecca for gays to go to

because it was one of the only oases, if you will. You know, anyway, blah, blah, blah. She's like, no, no idea. No idea they were gay. No. Nobody knew Liberace was gay. It's insane. Yeah.

Liberace was quietly just a flamboyant straight Elton John. People didn't talk about him was gay. It's insane. Yeah. Liberace was quietly just a flamboyant straight Elton John. People didn't talk about him being gay. He sang about me and me and, you know, me and Judy

had so much fun. Not Judy. What was it? It doesn't even matter. Do not get me talking about lyrics that Elton John sang somehow miraculously.

And also, how about like Neil Patrick Harris? Played a straight guy in How I Met Your Mother. He got killed for it. He was also playing a funny guy in How I Met Your Mother, so he was lying on a couple fronts. Oh, no. He also played a straight guy in that movie. Oh, what's that movie with Ben Affleck?

And he gets killed while having sex with her. Spoiler. Really? Gone Girl or something, I think. Yeah. All right. How about Jim Parsons in Big Bang Theory, who's gay, playing a straight guy, again, a funny guy. Yep.

Cynthia Nixon in Sex and the City, who's all about her sexuality. Kristen Stewart. She's's bi that's the key you got to come out as bi in hollywood if you really want to work how about big bang theory uh pretending to be a sitcom no one's flagging that yeah here's the sneaky thing about the play Hamilton. I mean, Hamilton, we all know they're black actors playing the founding, the white founding fathers. So everyone's focused on that. But most of that cast was gay. How inaccurate is that? The founding fathers weren't sleeping with their female slaves. Yeah. I mean, they were. These guys weren't. Right. Right. Yeah. slaves yeah i mean they were these guys weren't right right yeah um how about what's her name getting hired to play an ugly actress an ugly hooker in monster charise charlie's theron there's

so many ugly actresses that could have played that role but she uglied herself down that's not fair they can't pretty themselves up i know i don't know where the line's drawn this will sound really crude but like you know let's say it's a play a movie about a character like with autism right and i guess you'll get in trouble right someone did just did get in trouble for casting people who aren't really autistic. Well, how about this? Have an autistic person write the script. Ooh. That might be interesting.

No, but I mean, where does it end? I know I'm friends with some actresses that have intellectual disabilities from working with Best Buddies, and one of them, Jamie Brewster, just emailed me a couple days ago. She works. up her imdb she works she like literally is in major projects every year it's unbelievable it's so fucking cool and she's amazing she's so good in it well i once i had an idea for whatever i think i've shared it with you anyway I have this movie

idea it came kind of out of a sitcom I did and uh and then I thought it really would work for many reasons many and many creative reasons if the lead was this black woman right and people are like you can't do that and it was advice like friends, like you're not going to get a second meeting. Like, in other words, you're writing for a black woman. I'm like, you know, the black woman's make believe, right? Like this is just like if it was a white woman or a white man or a Mexican man, it's a made up thing. And I know it's the voice and getting in and all that but then it's like well they're talking to me about writing so if it was about

mentally challenged and mentally handicapped people am I not allowed to write that where is the line drawn yeah yeah I don't know well here's the problem if i make my mentally challenged characters black forget it can't do that they have to be yeah white mentally challenged characters and male

boring here's a here's something up those up those LGBTQ activist group Transcultural Mindfulness Alliance is apparently singing a different tune after receiving massive backlash for requesting the removal of Aretha Franklin's hit song You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman on music platforms. The Twitter post read, quote, Aretha Franklin's 1968 song Natural Woman perpetuates multiple harmful anti-trans stereotypes. There is no such thing as a natural woman. This song has helped inspire acts of harm against transgender woman.

TCMA is requesting it is removed from Spotify and Apple Music. OK, so meanwhile, she's fine with the Ramones beat on the brat with a baseball bat. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by ACDC. Anything by Eminem. Yeah. Hit Me With Your Best Shot. Yeah, you also put The Beatles in there. Oh, and yeah, that song, Little Girl.

What do they mean there's no such thing as a net? I mean, it's all these definitions. By the way, isn't it about identifying and feeling like a natural woman? Wasn't that the whole... Yeah, you make me feel. Feel like a natural woman. Trans or not, wouldn't want to feel and identify as a natural woman. Yeah.

Now, that was me just trying to be PC. But when you listen to the song and she's like, oh, baby, what you've done to me, you make me feel so good inside. She's talking about her natural pussy. I can guarantee you that. Yeah. And those exist.

Yeah, I don't know about those refurbished ones. I don't know what they're like. I'll never know. All right. Marie Kondo. Remember her? Yeah. She's given up on being tidy. And she was in an interview this week i think it was the washington post and she said my home is messy meanwhile like 50 500 000 people are like what did she say i threw out half my shit yeah the 38 year old organizational guru who gave birth to her third child last year is known for the netflix series tidying up where she instructs eager cleaners to keep what, quote, sparks joy and then trash the rest. But Marie just had her third kid and says, I've kind of given up on that in a good way for me, she added.

Now I realize what is important to me is enjoying time with my children at home. So what she did is she hugged all three children and she threw out two of them. Joke of the day. Joke of the day. This is like Tony Robbins telling us all to just relax and accept ourselves or Oprah gaining 150 pounds after all of her diet advice. You can't bait and switch like this.

Yeah. It's crazy. A man was shot dead by his dog over the weekend in Kansas. The incident took place in Gueda Springs. The victim was sitting in the front passenger seat of his pickup truck while his hunting gear and rifle were slung in the back seat a canine belonging to the owner stepped on the rifle causing it to discharge the fire the fired round struck the passenger who died of injuries on the scene the dog then tried to turn the dog then tried to turn the gun on himself

but instead just licked his own balls oh my god by the way the quote stepped on the gun like accidentally sounds like the dog has already gotten a good lawyer yeah right and by the way good luck finding a home for this asshole dog. Why does he need a home?

Well, he shot the last guy. I'm good. I'm good. You know what? We'll take him. We don't have any guns in the house. You come down early in the morning, the dog has the knife drawer open in the kitchen. What the fuck is up with this thing?

Like a Far Side cartoon. Yeah side cartoon yeah exactly oh which i forgot to look one up um actually the problem they they they revisited the crime scene the problem was the dog carried the gun into his owner's mri that that was what happened um i'm telling chris to grab a cartoon grab any far side it you can to grab a cartoon. Grab any far side. You can't grab a bad one. On Thursday, Jay Leno, 72. Did you know Jay Leno was 72 years old?

That makes sense. Wait, did you see? Oh, I don't know if I sent it to you. Hold on. All right, keep reading. I found this wild age concept thing online. Go ahead. He revealed that he's on the mend after a January 17th motorcycle accident

that broke several bones in his body. Leno said, you know, after getting burned up, you remember he got lit on fire about a month ago? Yeah, no, of course. Yes, yes, yes. You get that one for free. After that, you're Harrison Ford crashing airplanes. You just want to keep

your head down well at least jay has kept his razor sense of humor about the whole thing yeah oh at least at least jay kept his razor sharp sense of humor still intact well i'm gonna go a little inside baseball i i think i'm allowed to say this i want to a good friend of ours we won't name him was a right wga which is a writer's guild it's the union writer and jay is a giant in the union i mean he employs people for and a big supporter and he's in it himself and all the all his shows he does are. Uh, and all of a sudden no residual checks came in when they kept repeating the shows and, uh, the show. Now I don't know who, it's probably the production company. Uh, but basically they were told like, yeah,

we're not going to pay them, which is against the quote law. You know, it's against this contract. against the quote law you know it's against this contract and um and i mean i think i know what i'm talking about when i say a j and j has not stood up j has not gotten involved and the writers uh you know who need and by the way j of all people now should realize the value of health insurance which we get through our union. So anyway, something- So you're calling out Jay Leno? I am calling out- I'm not saying Jay Leno's the one that made the decision not to pay, but Jay Leno certainly could make them pay.

And these are residuals from the Tonight Show? No, from his most recent show, the one that just got canceled, The Garage. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Come on, Jay. Yeah, I believe it's The Garage, but it's his most recent show.

So there's that. What did this person recommend? Greg Melitoff said, I'd recommend checking out the first season of Roadies on Hulu. It's a Cameron Crowe production about a touring road crew, lots of cameos. Uh,

and it's an easy watch. Okay. That sounds cool. I'd like that. I'm up for a new, so I need a new series right now. I'm just finishing Atlanta, the newest season.

All right. It's art. It's fucking art. Did you get to the one, uh, where they go to the sound stages and she brings her daughter and she has a bit part? Yes. Dude, that was really interesting.

You know, I actually thought when you did that joke before about Tyler Perry, it made me think of that episode. Of course. Yeah. I mean, I wonder, I want to Google, did Tyler Perry or anyone who worked with him have any reaction to that? Yeah, it was a pretty bad depiction of Tyler Perry. Oh, awful. Oh, awful. But also the most interesting to me, speaking of exactly what we just talked about with Jay, is just the exploitation of all the employees. Because you have to understand, let's say you're a listener right now and you're like, I don't get unions.

Why can't it just be a fair market? You get your fair market value, supply and demand and all this. You get your fair market value, supply and demand and all this. Because it doesn't, any show I worked on recently, I could have gotten paid to hire people. I could have said to writers in Los Angeles and all over the country, how much will you pay me to be one of the first writers on James Corden's show that's launching on CBS after Letterman? You know what I mean? I could have been paid. And that's illegal. CBS after Letterman. You know what I mean? I could have been paid and that's illegal. And, and it's not right. I don't understand what you're saying. Well, we're talking about unions and exploiting workers. And one of the things the Atlanta

episode did, I don't know if you know, it was like, Oh, I'm a security guard, but I'm also a PA. I think that was one of the lines. And everyone was working like multiple jobs and was being worked to death and it sounded very much like Harpo, which is Oprah's company, where I've had friends there and he's like, it was like the most depressing place ever.

No one had healthy home lives. No one was healthy. People had cots in their offices because they had to stay there so many nights. And it's a cult of celebrity that's, uh, you know, up top. And then, uh, they just exploit them and there's no protections. And you're so, uh, part of this system that you, you know, allow yourself to be exploited. And of course one's in Atlanta, one's in Chicago.

It's not like there's a lot of other competition there anyway. um all right so oh Chris went on he's not seeing any Tyler Perry reactions but I wonder if people are like shit like I worked there that's pretty accurate you know but it's interesting because I mean here here they are shooting a show in Atlanta where Tyler Perry is I know it's you know they're very black positive and now you've got them shitting on this black icon mogul. Right. And his name was Mr. Chocolate. Yeah. I wonder, I know. And I, and I want to know like, that's a ballsy move. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't give a fuck. Donald Glover does not give two shits. I know. All right. here's the age thing. You said Jay Leno was 72. You ready?

Okay. The difference between the year 2023 and 1980 is the same as the difference between 1980 and 1937. Damn. That's super fucked up. It is. And everyone says that. So did I. I thought they forgot 10 years. And they didn't know. I literally did the math also.

Shit. What happened, man? What did we do? We were not young in 1980. I mean, yes, 13 years old, but we were not like in a crib. We were aware we were fucking, you know, already derelict since, you know, sixth, seventh grade. Between 1938, 1980, there were a world war, Korea, Vietnam. And what do we have? The Gulf war and Afghanistan. Oh, 1937. I mean, did that was the depression. When were refrigerators in homes? I don't know.

They had ice boxes. They must've had a, I don't know. There's ice boxes. They must have had a... Yeah. I don't know. There's no air conditioning, though, right? But people were so poor. It was like the height of the Depression. I don't think... I think it was very rare if you had a home phone. Very rare. Yeah.

And it was probably a party line. I mean, what was it? Yeah, my mother was... Well, my mother was born in 42, and in her neighborhood, like, one person had a phone, and people used to go to that house and use the phone. Chris, when was the first commercially popular transatlantic flight?

You mean cross-dressing people flying across the Atlantic? Yes, when you have them. They had their own section. 1913 invented refrigerators. 1930s became common with Freon. I know, but remember the Honeymooners? And, like, they had an icebox. Yeah.

You also had Iceman. Literally like Milkman. Iceman Cometh. Yes. Right? With those giant tongs that would come by. This is what we're talking about. It's insane.

Yeah, I know. That blew my mind. I mean, normally those things are like, you know, and I did freak out when I saw the age of the traveling Wilburys because I thought they were crazy. 1919, first transatlantic flight. I know, but that's the first transatlantic flight. I'm talking about like when was Pan Am like flying was Pan Am flying a whole plane full of rich people to London? All right, let's get back to this. I can't.

I cannot get over this statistic. Make America Florida. Give me a crackle. Here it goes. Crinkle. Crackle is a bonfire. crack a florida man a florida man entered the publics in miami when he hold on 1938 see i'm not going to get over it public flight so there was not even a public flight to europe in the year we're talking about 37 wow okay a florida man entered a public flight to Europe in the year we're talking about, 37. Wow. Okay.

A Florida man entered a Publix in Miami when he handed an employee a note that said he had a gun and to put money in a bag. He should have just gone to McDonald's. Right. They're handing it out. After reading the note, the worker pretended to help another employee, very suspicious, and called for help. pretended to help another employee, very suspicious, and called for help. Police said Abbott left empty-handed and was arrested while throwing his note away. He doesn't sound like the type that would, I'm sure it was just on the street. As it turns out, the so-called gun Abbott claimed to have was actually just a black stapler.

Abbott was arrested on charge of armed robbery according to police he was already out on bond okay after he dropped a four-month-old at a miami walmart multiple times multiple times what yes all right here's the sunny side in florida this story. It sounds like this guy's improving. Your Honor, my client has gone from dropping babies to passing notes in Publix. Also, the stapler was not loaded. The officers used the weapon to attach his multiple arrest sheets together. weapon to attach his multiple arrest sheets together. If only the guy walked into the MRI with a stapler.

I think it would have been uneventful, hopefully. All right, let's get to sports. Here we go. Sports. Yes. All right, so the Tampa Bay bet is over. They've been knocked out, and the bet has been paid. I handed Mike $550 in cash two days ago. Which you did not have to do,

but then I thought you might have had to have done that. Is it because Erin doesn't know about this? Oh, no. Erin knows. Oh, she does. Yeah. I have no secrets from Erin. She knows about my betting. Because a friend of ours who will go nameless, when we did that over under bet with March Madness, a hundred a game, usually it's even, and I know I've talked a lot about it, but anyway, that first year that this guy called me out, called me a pussy for not doing it. And I'm like, fine, I'll do it. And I took all the unders, he owed me $1,100. And because his wife could not know he had to pay me a hundred a week for 11 weeks. Damn. What are you going to do with the money you won off of me? I'm going to let it ride.

I'm going to bet everything against Philadelphia, those fucks. Really? No, I don't know what I'm going to do with it. But it's nice to get because I'm not a good gambler, so I feel like I've made... Well, put it this way. I lost $400 to you,

I think, two years ago. So I'm only I've made, well, put it this way. I lost 400 to you, I think, two years ago. Yeah. So I'm only up 150, really. So we got the games this weekend, San Francisco and Philly. I predict Philly will win, and I predict that Dennis is going to lose his fucking mind. Chris, I know we're assigning you a lot of shit today, and I know you have all your Antifa updates. But what are the spreads in these two games cincinnati and kansas city is gonna be a fucking monster game that's gonna be they're

both gonna be great games i mean you have four amazing teams four amazing quarterbacks i knew a couple new, a couple old. I don't care who's in the Super Bowl as long as Philly is not in there. And it's not because the team. I don't like the people. I don't like the fans. Well, the Bengals are giving a point and a half to the Chiefs. Both of these are close and the eagles are giving two and a half points to uh the 49ers bangles are favored interesting yeah i saw that mahomes uh

injury i i think he should have sat out but they won the game uh anyway whatever what are we gonna do about mary fitzgerald invited us all over for a party to hang out with her sister diane but she's doing it during the games who one o'clock on sunday i love it why not because i want to watch the games i don't want to fucking chit chat i can't watch up i mean you don't catch up on uh on you know dvr yeah but i don't know okay there's also we got to remember to go record I guess but Djokovic made it to the finals which is pretty big news I think he's won eight or nine uh Australian opens the most ever by anyone yeah he's won nine this and he was kept out because he was unvaccinated for two years. I mean, that's a year in a tennis player's career is so valuable. Well, especially when you're in your mid-30s, which Djokovic is.

And he's chasing the all-time record of Masters. Well, how many grand slams does he have? Because right now, Nadal has, I think, 21. I think Djokovic might have 20 I lost count I'm just so glad Sampras is further down the list the the leaders Sampras was great don't get me wrong but he had he was boring and he had no rival Sampras I know that was a snore fest. I hated Sampras. He was so good, and he just ended the points immediately. Yeah, he was a boring player to watch. I'm glad that era is over.

These three guys are so much more exciting. Oh, my God, yes. Federer and Djokovic and Nadal. This has been a good run with these guys. Sampras was like a robot. He didn't even look athletic. You see these guys on a hard court, they will run so fast and then slide as if it's clay. I know that shit was not happening in 1937. I'll tell you that. Right. All right, here we go.

Nadal has 22. Oh, here it is. Djokovic has 21, and Federer has 20. So Djokovic could – is it Djokovic or Djokovic? Djokovic. I think Djokovic. So Djokovic could – Either one.

Either one. He could tie it if he wins this. That's huge. Oh, my God. And I don't know anything about this guy, Stefanos, and last name you can't even pronounce. Sounds Greek. I hope he's not played by a straight guy.

Oh, Sampras is down at 14. I remember when 14 was the most, obviously, because look at these guys. Damn. I mean, Borg was probably at 12 or 11. I mean, he had five French, I think. Yeah, I think Borg had five French and three Wimbledon or something. Borg has 11. Look at me.

Come on. I used to follow sports. Nadal's my favorite. Who's your favorite? Nadal. Love him. And I also really like Federer. Um, yeah, Federer's great. Federer's, uh, you know, you should go anyone who, uh, maybe is too young, but it wasn't that long ago, probably seven or eight years ago,

there was a Australian final. I think it was between Djokovic and what's his name? Who just from Spain. What? Who just Chris just erased it. Anyway, it was the most Nadal. It was a marathon match. It was so long and crazy. And the fifth set went on forever. It went on forever. And so then they came

out to do the award ceremony. You could Google this or just YouTube it. And they were talking so long that they had to lean against the fence and then their legs started to cramp up and they literally, and then someone finally ran chairs out and it got a standing ovation it was so obvious they were about to pass out it was it was no and the match was unbelievable yeah yeah well federer well over five hours federer talked about as the best like technician that he just has the fullest most complete game all around that he's you's maybe the greatest athlete to ever play the game, whereas Sampras just has heart. He just, like, he famously never gives up on a point.

Not Sampras. Not Sampras. Nadal. Nadal. Nadal never gives up on a point, fights for everything, which is why he's so hard to play against. What I loved, and maybe it's an act but I don't believe it, is all three of them set a

new bar for good sportsmanship when interviewed after the match. And I think I do think some of it was natural because they had so much respect for their opponent. Right. Alright, let's get to International. Oh, here it comes.

So, I guess we're considering this international, but it is Canada. A Canadian woman who caused $10 million in damages after driving drunk, crashed into a house, causing an explosion, is now suing the concert venue that provided her alcoholic beverages this sounds like tom o'neill saying that he was over served every time tom gets in trouble he said all right hold on this this oh i know this becomes like a it it's like make america make america canada again this story is unbelievable. The car bomb fiasco occurred in 2019 when Daniela Leis, 26,

was driving home from a Marilyn Manson concert at the Budweiser Gardens Arena in London, Ontario. What could go wrong? After drinking at the show and getting behind the wheel, she crashed her Ford Fusion into a brick home, rupturing a gas line and triggering a massive explosion that destroyed four houses, injured seven people, and caused $14.7 million in damages.

I mean, look, in the venue's defense, they're called Budweiser Gardens. They're going to fill you up with budweiser before you go home yes exactly uh even even if everything went flawlessly and she took an uber that night it's still a disaster having seen marilyn manson yeah i you're going to see, that's a pretty metal way to end your Marilyn Manson concert. Police immediately knew she was impaired, but forget the explosions. They're like, where are you coming from? Oh, Marilyn Manson in 2019. Oh, okay.

Get out of the car and put your hands on the hood. Yeah. hands on the hood yeah let's do Harry Prince Harry I did not see this yeah he made a guest appearance on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert to promote his memoir spare at one point during their conversation Colbert prompted Harry to elaborate on a point he mentioned in his book in which he confessed to having a frostbitten penis during the wedding of Prince William and Princess Kate. Frost nip on a delicate part of your anatomy, Colbert continued. Can you explain how it is that the royal standard got frost nip?

Why did you not take care of your royal jewels? The context of this is that you are going to the North Pole and things got very cold. At what point did you realize there was a crisis at the South Pole? That's what Colbert's writers came up with. Yeah. What about these jokes? Did Megan's tongue get stuck on it like Dumb and Dumber? When you came, did ice cream come out all right was that a royal

pain in the balls i don't think it happened in north pole i think it happened when he uh slipped into megan's ice cold uh pussy i think that's when it happened right. Let's get to, do we want to do business? We got to study about. Yeah, business. Yeah, we can do business. Let's do Google. Google has eliminated over 1,800 jobs in its home state, California, as part of the biggest round of layoffs in company history.

Yeah. The cuts also included 27 in-house massage therapists. Of course they have in-house masseuses. Google likes to extract your personal information. And when do you talk more than when you're being blissfully naked, having your body rubbed? Saul, how do you like your boss? I'm checking Craigslist for a lot of nap pods

and gently used ping pong tables. Yes. And whatever other, and probably miniature golf. Yeah. It's ridiculous. But it is the beginning of layoff season, man. Every headline. It's like they held out, I guess, until the new year.

But it's not only in tech. It's everywhere. Well, this Amazon story is sort of related. The second biggest tech company, right? Amazon's ending its charity donation program. You were part of that. Yeah. The move to shutter Amazon Smile

comes after a series of other cost-cutting measures. Through the program, which has been in operation since 2013, Amazon donates 0.5 of 1% of eligible purchases. Remember when companies would donate 10%? 10% was standard to donate to charity. You might be right, but the way it's written, that's 0.5%. That's half of 1%.

Half of 1%, yeah. Oh, I thought you said 0.5 of 1%. They're stopping that little bit that they were giving to charity. And their quote from their public relations is, With so many eligible organizations, more than one million globally, our ability to have an impact was often spread too thin, they said in a letter to customers. Fuck you. Well, this is a way to solve that.

It's not spread too thin anymore. It's non-existent. solve that. It's not spread too thin anymore. It's non-existent. Hey, have you checked out Bezos's girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez? I thought he was with that singer. What's her name? Unless I'm old. No, I think this is very current. And she's all about the, all right. She was a newscaster, I think here in LA. She's all about the, and she's a newscaster somewhere, all about the, all right, she was a newscaster, I think, here in LA. She's all about the, she's a newscaster somewhere, all about the environment. But when you go on, it is like another disgusting model type Los Angeles woman who's talking about green initiatives as they're flying private. She once famously spent $12,000 on shoes in one afternoon in Beverly Hills. Oh, awesome. Fuck your environmental talk. So I go online and she's walking around the Amazon.

They have this new program that Amazon's hooked up and now she's the ambassador of all this stuff for the company. And so it's weird. They're cutting their charities yet. They're probably compensating by like trying to push this narrative that they're everywhere trying to save the world. So they're walking around and like, of course they tear up for like the stupidest question to one, someone who works at like the, the lumber mill in the middle of the, of the real Amazon. And yeah, she just, this vacuous, whatever. It's just, I'm just disgusted by it. I bought used shoes once in New York for like $20. I was broke when I first moved out of New York. I mean, if you're talking about you go to like Salvation Army or someplace. Yeah.

I went to, I went to a thrift store and I bought used shoes. Black. They were like black work boots. I definitely did that. Well, no. A lot of people would try to get the old school, like old man shoes, you know, like the wingtips. Yeah. Floor chimes, like chunky, like really cool.

That's when we were hipsters and we tried to be like old blues men. Uh, that's when we were hipsters and we tried to be like old blues men. Yeah. And there was a lot of people that would, uh, go to bowling owlings in, in shoes that they didn't want and then leave with the bowling shoes and wear those. Yeah. Oh, Chris put a picture of her up. Look, she is the cheesiest, gross, the cheesiest and the most conspicuous consumption. It's all about appearance.

Look at the work she's had. She was married. She was married to Patrick Whitesell, who was one of the big wigs at CAA. And I've gone out to dinner with Whitesell. He was like the best looking agent in LA. That's what he was known for. And he dated a lot of celebrity women.

And anyway, I didn't know he married this train wreck. But yeah, apparently he did. She looks like a clay model that's melting. And I don't know if this is true, but one thing I read about her this morning was while married to Weitzel, she met because they started to socialize with Bezos. And I think Bezos was still married. And she confided to a friend. Who knows if the friend's a liar? Probably.

I doubt she has good friends. But anyway, the friend told the news that she said after meeting him, now that's a man I have to like get with or something. While married. Yeah. Wow. Whatever. Chris wrote Steven Tyler. What does that mean? She looks like him. She needs a couple of scarves. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm trying to see if there's any celebrity guests that we care about. I don't think so.

about? I don't think so. Were there? It's happening every week. It's going to happen more and more. Oh, wait. Hey, I know what I wanted to talk about up top. How about that earthquake? I got woken. Everybody

that I was just talking about with my microphone. Everybody that I know in L.A. was woken up at 2.30 in the morning about four or five days ago. It was that hard and it lasted for a while. So, you know, you go on Twitter, right? And there's a thing called QuakeBot and it's automated. And within a minute, it pops up the exact location and the, you know, the Richter scale measurement.

But the comments are so funny. Like, and I should have written down a bunch, but it was 2 a.m. I was jolted awake. Meanwhile, in the morning, Olivia, I go to Olivia at breakfast. I'm like, do you feel that earthquake? She's like, I dreamt about an earthquake. Oh, really? Yeah, that's exactly what's her response.

Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. All right, let's get to some letters to the editor. All right, then's get to some letters to the editor. All right, then. Hold on. All right. This guy Converse wrote, Mike's Atlantic City story made me want to share this. My friend and I surfed there, and the last time we went, the street we parked on to scout the waves had an active crime scene with multiple squad cars.

Second spot had squad cars in an ambulance with emts loading up a guy in a stretcher third and final spot had new jersey state troopers in full tactical gear loading up for a raid what what day of the year was this yeah they stood around shooting the shit with us as if they were just waiting to be let into the office building to their desk jobs donovan s said you guys are right about atlantic city but it's actually gotten worse i know from a local cop some nights they have only four officers on patrol for the whole city they are extremely understaffed most cops in south jersey just sit on the side of the road and scan for expired registration and bad inspection stickers so they can bother people trying to work.

They don't they won't work in Atlantic City or Camden. Yeah. Well, listen, it's not a good week for police news at all. The protests are going crazy and stuff. And, you know, it's going to change law and it already has. And BLM did. And they said, you know, not enough. But here's my point. We're getting to the mechanical hounds faster than we thought. We are going to get to AI robots. Yeah. And they're going to have a million ways to subdue you without killing you. Right. Or a million ways to figure out that they don't have to subdue you,

hopefully. And yeah, like that story I told about, you're not, you're not going to need real dogs and that's ridiculous. And, and then running under the boardwalk there's just going to be one of these robots out of like boston robotics or

whatever it's called and you don't have a chance now the amount of money they have to spend to get police officers now they're spending like 50 60 grand just to recruit somebody and then they're giving them big bonuses to sign up. And for that money, yeah, they're going to get robots. Plus the lawsuits they got to pay out because of human error, which is the nicest way of saying being a fucking asshole who beats up a criminal. And then I hate to say this, especially on the heels of me talking about my union, but and then the pension for life.

And then the disability for life with all these police officers and stuff. Again, I'm not taking a side here, but it seems like this solution is coming. And I think it's going to go that way now, whatever. I've been incredibly ignorant. A lot of these comments, there's so many factors here, but, uh But the New York Times this morning said there's an article where the study was, it didn't seem to matter in all the data. And I'm sure the New York Times showed all their work, but I still doubt this. What do you think about this? It said after looking at all the data that it didn't seem there didn't seem to be a trend of the problem being more white police officers than other races. Like because, you know, all the police officers involved in Memphis were black, African-American, black.

Geez, I can't believe I just corrected myself. They were all black. And I find it hard to believe that there aren't lopsided demographics where white cops have gotten in more trouble in these areas. Right. Well, no, I think it's a look. It's it's the mentality of policing, of military occupation that's gone on from the first time somebody was given a gun and told they were in charge of other people. It's just it's a power trip and it's not, you know, race definitely plays a big part. But it's also just the structure of society needs people to keep the to enforce the laws. And how do you instill that power to people and also factor in human error? Wait till AI. AI is going to learn ego.

That's going to be the backfire, the massive backfire. Like, I am butthurt by what you said. I am going to use excessive force. All right, let's move on. so let's talk about uh tricia says what the actual fuck mike one or two months ago you used the word retarded and i let it slide but you just used it again i don't have to tell you why it's offensive what gets me is that you're a writer for fuck's sake and you can come up with a better, more clever word. Still love the show, but could you rid your lexicon of that word? All right, Tricia.

Okay. Can I just say that? She's right. she's right. Uh, and if I were to hurt my simple answer of, okay, I would say, I don't fully agree with that one. There are some, there are some things that come up and I, I, I understand it and I want to be sensitive. And if someone's feelings are hurt, uh, Trisha, you don't sound retarded. So I, it's not going to be your feelings are hurt for another reason, but I would say, you know, like for instance, I created a sitcom and one of the issues was PC-ness in the workplace and there was a human resources department and stuff like that.

So, uh, I researched like crazy actually, which by the way, technically, I'm not allowed to say the word crazy anymore. Tricia, you should bust me on that. And I looked up mentally retarded. I looked up mentally handicapped and I, and it was ever changing and really changing quickly. And the one that was current the week I looked it up was intellectually challenged. And to me, that sounds like you don't understand Joyce's Ulysses and not that you have a severe mental handicap. And so I think that went by the wayside also. But I think it's wrong. I'm not going to defend it.

But I don't know. That one, what do you think about the word? I think that... I'm clearly not making fun of those people. I'm not helping the situation. But I'm obviously, I've never had those people in mind. And maybe that's my fault when I said that. And I should have them in mind when I say the word, but I'm obviously I've never had those people in mind. And maybe that's my fault when I said that. And I should have them in mind when I say the word, but in the right way.

I think when you take a word that used to be the legitimate description of people with intellectual disabilities and you apply it to people doing really stupid things, I think it's insulting to people with disabilities. OK, so I wonder what – go ahead. I cut you off. My Adderall has kicked in. Go ahead. Now, that being said, I've got – I don't like word police. I don't like that we have to be so wary of keeping up with what words change into what's accepted at any given time. But I do think it's lazy.

I think that there's probably better ways of describing something than saying the word retarded. Which we keep saying. And I slipped one in as a joke, Trish. I apologize. OK, but Trisha, how about this? Can you write us back? And I'm being very sincere here. You are not allowed in the same exact area of the English language. You're also mentally or retarded, I believe, was a quantifiable level, the measurable level of intellect or whatever it was of cognitive ability. So there was also moron, idiot. Imbecile. Imbecile. So I know it's an easy answer to say yes, don't say any of those words. But really, like, moron?

Like, so moron, would you say moron is just as powerful a word as the R word? See, I've already stopped. Also, you know, you had a real blind spot to that issue, Tricia. Well, let me just, you know, you had a real blind spot to that issue, Tricia. Well, let me just add to that. Are we allowed to say blind? Because there is now a bunch of people advocating that you should not, you don't have a deaf ear to something. You don't have a blind spot to something crazy.

You're not allowed to say the word crazy. I'm asking. I have my grandfather's birth certificate from, I have my grandfather's birth certificate from Ireland, and on it, you have to list the child's name, and then there's a column to the right that you're supposed to check. One says retarded, and one says imbecile. Like you said, they were two different categories of levels of cognitive ability. Right. Anyway. So we look forward to hearing from you, Tricia.

I think this is a topic that should be discussed. I know some people are sick of it, but I think when you get this technical and you narrow it down to these exact words, I think it could be an interesting conversation. Okay. I wonder if dumb. Is dumb one of them?

Well, dumb means you can't speak, right? Used to be mute. Yeah, used to be able to call. Now, that one is pretty cut and dry. That's pretty easy. Let's not call mute people dumb. Well, we're not going to get any calls. It's been a time since I've emailed you.

Hope all is well. Listening to Sunday Papers, wanted to tell you a story. I went to an all-boys prep school, Calvert Hall College High School in Towson, Maryland, from 74 to 79. During phys ed, we had swimming in the indoor pool, and we were required to swim naked. I remember Brother Eugene, my typing teacher, would always be lurking in the background. Back then it was normal and never gave it a second thought. Just saying.

Thanks, Mark. Yeah, swimming naked was totally normal back then, and there was no constraints on who could be there. And there wasn't like, I mean, this comes off of the story I told about being at the YMCA and a guy grabbing a little boy. But there's so much more sensitivity to it now. Oh, are you kidding me? Meanwhile, I think Mark was probably blown away by that 1937 stat.

If he went to high school in 74 or prep school, 74 to 79. That's one weird part of the story of uh the village people is not only did people especially in new york and other places like metropolitan areas no gays uh but all of them were talking about how priests were gay yeah even back then. No, there were jokes. Even in the 70s. People made funny jokes where we laughed about priest fucking little boys. But a guy dressed like an Indian with his abs dancing to YMCA, it somehow slipped through the filter.

Right, right. All right. This is from Holly in Altascadero, California. Altascadero. So when I was a kid, maybe seven or eight, growing up in Framingham, Mass., I used to go to the Y with friends in the summer to swim. One time, the male lifeguard's nut was hanging out of the side of his swim trunks.

So what did I do? I swam back and forth in front of him to stare at his ball sack, which is something I never saw before. LOL. I hope you're well and your spirits are high. You are loved. Thank you for all the content you provide. Um, what a letter. I prove it. Sounds like that guy provided some content also. What a letter. That was impressive. That's not something Trisha would ever write, I don't think. No. Do you think he knew, Holly, that you were scouting or whatever?

Ogling? I hate that word. But his ball? They were short back then. Yeah, seeing nudity. I don't know how old she is, but it sounds like this was more than 20 years ago. Seeing nudity when you're a kid really is fascinating

because it was just, there wasn't a lot. There wasn't the internet. There wasn't, you couldn't just pull up nude photos and videos on your phone. And so when we saw it, it was a big fucking deal. It was exciting. You would have thought I had a giant bag of cash in the Eastchester Public Library. I called over friends and word spread because I found a Mademoiselle magazine that had a self breast exam with pictures in it.

And it was like the briefcase that had that gold glow in Pulp Fiction. Everyone rushed over to the table and there was this perfect model's boob right in the magazine. Yeah. Dude, I remember. That was last year. I was asked to guest host this show on the USA Network back in New York years ago. And the guest on the show who I got to interview was Kathy Ireland. And she came out and I was unable to speak.

And the producer said, what the fuck is going on? and I was unable to speak. And the producer said, what the fuck is going on? I was like, you don't understand the relationship I had with Victoria's Secret magazine and Kathy Ireland. Like, this is like, there's Pam Anderson and there's Kathy Ireland. And I masturbated more times to her than anybody in the history of my life. And now I'm sitting three feet away and I'm interviewing her. It's crazy.

my life. And now I'm sitting three feet away and I'm interviewing her. It's crazy. Yeah. They, uh, when that arrived, uh, every household, uh, there was, there was not much problem with the teenage boys, uh, that week and they sent them everywhere. I guess there's the documentary about it now. And that was that genius guy's idea. And it was basically, you were getting this sort of a slightly cooled down version of Playboy magazine free in your mailbox every month. And I mean, that was Victoria's Secret, but what about February came around and all teenage boys were waiting for the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated? It was insane. I mean, there used to be, I remember, I forget what comedian had a joke.

It was something like with the Victoria's Secret catalog ride this weekend. Boy, is my arm tired. Like that was like, it was just a running. Everyone knew the deal. Anyway. All right. Well, let's cheer up and do the Sunday funnies. Okay.

All right, so Loretta walks in the door. She looks a little beat up, physically mangled. All right. Loretta walks in. She's a little beat up. She looks a little bit like she's been in an accident. And she looks at Leroy and she goes, we do have a self-driving car. If you leave the parking brake off.

All right. And then there's what's this next one? Loretta's doing the bills and she looks at Leroy and she goes apparently money has ghosted us I love this couple did I freeze? no I said I love this couple they're the best

alright let's get to the other couple here's hager and helga and helga gets up and she looks at him and she gets out of bed and she's in her bathroom yawning and she goes to him early morning and then he gets into bed and goes and she goes oh late night well helga why do you think it's a late night? Let's, you want to connect some dots of why your Viking pillaging husband is coming home at the crack of dawn? Do you think maybe there's rape?

Has a rape been committed last night? And there's no accountability? There's no like, hey, what the fuck is going on here? What's with the patriarchy? Yeah. Viking rape. You know, it's as if the new ones have cut out a few frames.

Yes. Where he, like, flashes of images of his night or week away, and then is like, good night, you know, and then she's like, oh, good night. Yeah. All right, good night. Yeah. All right. Farside. Here's what we got.

We got, we got a couple eating. I love how he depicts the couples too. There's always glasses and they're just blank, you know, just blank. You know, there's no eyeball that you can see inside them or anything like that. So it's this couple eating at a table and their dog has come in and the dog is pointing a revolver right at the man who is chewing his food and is about to put another fork full in his mouth. And the quote that the dog says is, hey, bucko, I'm through begging. And I think this one needs a little context, which is, in some ways, the comics were very inappropriate back then. But I don't know.

There was something that was still more of an innocence. And this one is chipping away at that innocence. And it's absurd. The dog in Blondie would never, you know, do something like this. But Chris chose this one. Maybe I wouldn't have chosen this one, but it's still worth it. And then Chris wrote, oh, come on, earlier story. It's his favorite one.

Okay. Oh, it's his favorite one. Oh, the dog shooting the guy. Wow. We have undersold our crack MAGA producer. Nice one, Chris. Jesus, that is so good. Wow.

That's real good. It's not as great when the joke has to be explained to me, which is on me, not Chris. Very well done, Chris. Well, you were wondering when the Adderall would kick in. Apparently at an hour. I bet he thought when I said contact. At an hour and 33 minutes, the Adderall has not kicked in. I know.

And I've had at least three callbacks today. And not there. All right, let's get to our favorite couple. Dagwood's laying in bed wearing pajamas with donuts on them. Does he wash them, I wonder? No, he doesn't. Blondie fucking does. So she's laying over, and she's on her side,

faced away from him appropriately. And this guy's going, I can't sleep. It's as if I can't turn off the lights in my head. And then Blondie says, imagine you're locked in a dark pizza place with all that pizza. And then the next frame he's Z-ing. There's Z's coming out. He's sleeping. And she goes, works every time. How about this, Dagwood? Why don't you imagine that you're in a bed with a five foot nine buxom 36-24-36 with yellow locks and blue eyes and bowling pin calves. And she's available for your sexual exploitation at will.

You're married. Why don't you imagine that? And maybe dropping a load inside of that might make you a little drowsy. Just another way to go. He's like, I can't turn the lights off. Yeah, her headlights. Just another way to go. He's like, I can't turn the lights off. Yeah, her headlights. Don't turn them off.

Dial them in. Are you insane? The only pizza. That should be a metaphor for her vagina, the pizza slice. I thought it was going to be, imagine you're locked in a dark pizza place With all that pizza And then you hear a squirt, squirt, squirt And he's like, ah, I can go to sleep now Just the image makes the orgasm

All right, listen We've plowed through another Sunday Papers Yeah, we did Hoping you guys enjoyed it Thanks for joining us It's 2023 And we have to thank Midcoast Media, our production company, editors, producers. Social media. Gurus.

And Mike, anything you want to promote? Well, at the risk of bringing Gubbins up again uh we kind of we should have maybe the top talked about how generous our listeners thank you guys and uh so i think next week next week we should follow up that they were so generous to dennis and dennis uh was able to get clubs yes dennis gubbins is back playing golf thanks so absolutely Are you kidding me? So we should we should talk about that next week a little bit without boring people. But it's really giving credit. It's really about our listeners, not Dennis. A week from tonight, it'll be on February 5th at the Comedy Store. Get tickets at FitzDawg.com for the special, and that'll do it. We'll talk to you soon.

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