Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 150 2/5/23

Episode Date: February 5, 2023

This past week a Tesla was found in a pool, a penis was found in an Alabama gas station, and a 22 yr old was found in a JV basketball game. You can now make bets on the weather and track Mike and Greg’s Death Pool. Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime   

I don't hear a clap either. Hey, now. I know. Hey, now. Hey, now. Wait. Aren't you here? Read all about it.

Read all about it. Extra, extra. There it is. Big TV special happening tonight in Hollywood. I'm nervous, Mike. I'm nervous. I'd say, let me turn up my volume here so I can hear your nervousness.

What are you nervous about? Talk to me. You sound well prepared. I haven't done a special in a lot of years and I want this one to be special. I feel like the material's there. I've run it. It's tight. But you never know. I've run it. It's tight. But

you never know. You just never know. And literally, when I stop and I go, why are you nervous? I can't really answer that question. But yeah, I'm really in my head. I gotta figure out what to do. Well, today's Saturday. The special is Sunday night.

Still some tickets left on the late show. If you're in the LA area, come down to the Comedy Store. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get your tickets. Come down. See me tape my new special. It's a fucking great special. Annie Letterman's on the Late Show with me.

And, yeah. I don't think you're going to. Well, you said it went really well. Are we allowed to talk shop? You said it went really well in where? allowed to talk shop? You said it went really well in where? Anaheim? Atlanta and Portland. I ran it like 12 times.

Right. And then I just went down to La Jolla and did it. Oh, La Jolla. Yeah. That was fun. I had a bunch of pasty-faced Mick relatives come out. All my McCarthy, my mom's side, the McCarthy's. Ah, interesting.

Well, my grandfather was one of 13, and each of those kids had like seven. Are you talking about Florence? Florence. That's right. That's right. Change his name to Frank. That's right. I'm dead naming him.

When he got older, he switched his name back to Florence and we beat the shit out of him. There it is. He was way ahead of the day. He should have moved right to L.A. with the name changing from feminine to masculine and masculine to feminine. Right, right. All right, so the Pasty Face mix, were they a good crowd? They all came out, which was fun, all the McCarthy's. They're the Charlie McCarthy clan from Riverside.

And then my cousin's son was there. And they didn't know each other. It was just total coincidence. And they ran into each other. And the old McCarthy's recognized my cousin's son's wife. Their daughter went to college. It's very convoluted, but they all knew each other.

It just reinforced my whole thing that the, the Irish gene pool in this country is very shallow. There are about, normally it's 32 chromosomes. I think we get nine. And a lot of them are screwing up Washington, DC. Oh,

not proud of the Irish. Not proud of the Irishish in dc i'll tell you that no they are some right wing fucking lunatics um all right changing subjects for a second so i'm in nashville and i was just out uh to lunch with this really funny woman she's like oh where in la do you i'll spare you the southern accent but where in LA do you live and I meant she's like oh I got a DUI right near there and I'm like what and she goes so remember the cock and bull of course old man Lincoln darts bar and of course uh football you know soccer and uh yeah on Lincoln so anyway she goes anyway, she goes, Oh yeah, that was, and she was like, that was an embarrassing one. Okay. So I think there's been more than one DUI. And she goes, yeah, that one was embarrassing because I got pulled over immediately. The second I like drove out, like he was waiting. And, uh, and then I get out of the car and, uh, he's wants to do a field sobriety and he goes, can you walk this line? And she's like, you really expect me to walk that line in these high heels?

And he just looked at me. And she goes, and I was holding my high heels. She was barefoot. And she goes, so he looked at me. And I looked down and saw the heels in my hand. And I'm like, okay, take me to jail. It's so funny. That's awesome.

Yeah, that's the look. I would say that you could you could reasonably just as a police officer arrest every woman whose shoes are in her hands. That's the trophy. That's the trophy. Yes. That's the trophy of drunkenness right there. You may get a really cranky target, but they're not in a good mood, usually, if their shoes are in their hands. Yeah, yeah. The night's over.

Their feet are probably bleeding. The night's over. Their feet are probably bleeding. I think when the shoes are in the hand, it's almost like in paintball when you're leaving the field like you've already been shot. It's like if you see paint splatter on somebody, you can't shoot them again. You can't hit on a girl whose shoes are in her hands. Nice. Yeah.

It is weird that women wear those fucking heels to begin with. They are. I can't imagine how painful that must be. It's like your feet are bound and your toes are getting crushed down. There's a lot of ink. A lot of ink has been spilled on. And feminists, you know, have to struggle with this a little bit. Like, you know, it's all sexualization. It's all the curve, you know, you know, of the calf, you know, when you're wearing heels, I mean, even shirts with like cleavage is a big, like, in other words, it is an issue to grapple with. Like what exactly is going on now? Of of course, there's the argument many feel empowered. It's empowering.

It makes me feel really good. It makes me feel very feminine. You know, and all that can be true, but really, what is the roots of it, and what is it doing? High heels is super crazy. And what does a guy do? What does a guy do? Wear better jeans than he normally wears? Yeah. Takes a shower well i mean if we're talking about these historic roles he brings a lot of money

that's it if we're talking about where you know way back where these were rooted uh yeah that's what's going on just bring eye candy i mean i hate to say this way but you know what i mean and then a lot of money yeah and uh And, uh, and yeah, and probably a convertible coupe that, uh, should be with, with a man, uh, 15 years younger than he is. No, that's why there's valet parking at every LA club and restaurant. It's not that there's not enough room in the back to park. It's that you need to present your automobile for the women. to present your automobile for the women. It's a cakewalk.

You hire a guy to be a valet outside a club that doesn't have it? Yeah, yeah. Listen, we're showing up around 830. You be out there. By the way, how hard would it be to buy a red vest and a black tie and stand in front of a restaurant that does not have valet and just steal a car? Well, I told you, you know well george lopez was really funny about how many times he was handed keys when he's standing outside steak steakhouses that he could buy if he wanted yeah and uh and so uh he also especially if it

was at like you know mexican places but anywhereA., you know, a Mexican valet. But I told you once I went to like sushi and there was valet and there's an Asian man standing there. And I'm like, do I do I give you the do I leave the keys in the car? And the guy's like, why are you asking me? I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And he got so angry. But then I'm like, you know, that so sorry and he got so angry but then i'm like you know that's not such what's so insulting about that yeah yeah uh i was at i was at uh sax fifth avenue on uh meanwhile i was like phew i didn't want that guy driving my car look i like you guys carving the fish I like them bringing it to the table. But can we get a Mexican to park my car?

Oh, thank God. Exactly. I was at Saks Fifth Avenue buying a Christmas present for my wife. And there's a woman walking by, Persian woman, dressed nice. And I go, do you know where the jewelry is? And she looks at me in horror and she goes, do I look like I work here? And I went, yeah, obviously, or I wouldn't have asked you. Like, what's wrong with working here?

This is Saks Fifth Avenue. They're like the most well-dressed salespeople in Hollywood. And I literally went back and forth with her saying that it was a compliment. And then I said, so you're insulting the people that work here? And she goes, no, I'm not insulting them. I go, then what's wrong with working here? I said, is it because you're too old to work here? I said, you're not too old to work here. You ever do that in an argument? You flip it on them and you make it a compliment. You go, you're not too old to work here. A backhanded compliment? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Your English is good enough to work here. I don't know what you're thinking. You're not that ashy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think your knees look great. Hey, not everyone here is a spring chicken. I think, you know, they'll tolerate you.

Yeah, some of the other sales girls have cheap haircuts too. I think you'd fit right in. You're pushy. You're pushy enough right i mean yeah um all right so you oh the northeast uh so this ice storm two of my flights got canceled trying to get here right and oh really oh i thought i outsmarted the system i had an american flight coming in from austin i'm like, that's not looking good. And then it got delayed. You know, you know how it usually is canceled. It's like, okay. And you're now leaving an hour later, you know? And then it was like, oh, now it's a half hour after that. I'm like, fuck this went on, bought another ticket as I watched that one. Cause I was convinced, but which I could cancel because it's within the 24-hour window, whatever.

Anyway, both canceled. And so this ice storm that was all over Texas and sort of the middle of the country is hitting, I don't know if it's still in play. They called it a generational Arctic outbreak. Jesus. And one of the quotes I read in the article, and this is like hitting now, I think, as you know, sounds like Eskimo herpes and that Boston could feel like it's 27 right. Yeah, that's fucking crazy.

And I'm complaining because in L.A. it's getting into the 50s. I know. I got my wool hat on. I got my thick hoodie. I got a heater on in my office. It's hard to see. That's a maroon hat, right? It is maroon, yes.

Yes, of course, of course. It's your good luck color for the show. That's right. I'm wearing maroon on my special. I have a maroon, yes. Yes, of course, of course. It's your good luck color for the show. I'm wearing maroon on my special. I have a maroon T-shirt. Well, that way people can recognize you. Yeah. It's kind of like Gallagher with his hat. I can't believe you're not going to be there.

You told me. You. My flight's got canceled. No, but you don't. The fans should know this. You don't like people. I wonder if I'm talking into my mic enough. Sorry about that.

No, for the taping, I asked all my friends to not come just because I don't want to be distracted. I don't need a text 10 minutes before I go on from gubins saying i'm not on the guest list or like i'm doing some joke about fucking my wife from behind in the kitchen and i look out and i see uh her sister friends who have also done that with your wife yes um but i just uh at 12 minutes and like 20 seconds in i I adjusted my audio level. This is not for the listeners. This is for poor Key or whoever does our audio levels.

Thanks, Key. Yeah, because I don't have a mic stand and I don't have mic technique. So that's a bad combo. So how's Nashville? What else have you been doing in Nashville? Saw Wheeler Walker Jr. yesterday. That's good. He's writing. Uh, that's good. He's writing an album, uh,

jamming on a new album. And I don't want to, I guess I don't want to, I shouldn't say who, but you know, they have writers, uh, oh wait.

Okay. I, I, I kind of a funny story. So there's a lot of same in LA. Uh, there's a lot of like music writers that they'll hook up stars with, right?

You know, and they get credit and all that, but they work together and all this. So he's with a guy who was in a band that we've all heard of that was big in like the nine, not big, but pretty big in the nineties. So anyway, he's been writing with him, but when he was thinking about doing this album, he wants it to be a little more rock and whatever. And he described that. So Wheeler knowsris stapleton and so just to illustrate the different world that a chris stapleton is in compared to like you know hoffman so uh hoffman goes i'm like hey yeah i'm thinking

of doing this can you recommend any like writers and he goes oh man yeah i know exactly what you're talking about you know who would be great you should totally uh look him up to help you write on this album he's like john mayer it's like yeah i chat after i checked mccartney i checked john mayer and yeah he's not he's not able to like just not be in the limelight and write incredibly obscene songs for me. I don't know. I wouldn't put that past John Mayer. He tours with Chappelle. He loves comedians.

He hangs out at the store all the time. He's done stand-up. I bet you he would do it. Well, the other thing he goes is he was waiting then for, like, the cell phone number. You know, you just recommended him and i guess you know stay well and just assumes he has his cell yeah uh oh on my uh actually was the flight it was before but uh oh i'm forgetting her name oh

never mind never mind brain farts so we'll get get to the Grammy nominations when we get to the entertainment section. But in the meantime, shout out to Bruce Weiss for doing our logo this week. Very cool. It's a deliverance graphic. Looks cool. And then awesome fucking song. Sean Nolan with a very smacking baseline. Yeah, pretty amazing. And some cool editing.

Yeah, very cool. Yeah, of course. Amazing that they sent that in. Corrections. Craig Gaudette said, yes, in fact, you have used the awkward family photo before. I repeated one. Yes. I didn't realize that. Hello.

It gave me a good laugh. And then about 22 other people all wrote in that we used it before. And then this was from Toby. That is a tweet from a parody account. The account tweeted several times that they were a parody after the Daily Mail picked up the story. Apparently, Daily Mail did not review their other tweets, which were clearly jokes, and never asked them for additional info. They took a joke tweet and ran with it to meet their anti-woke agenda. Oh, I think that was the—we talked about Aretha Franklin.

You make me feel like a natural woman. Yes, yes, yes. That was a parody. That came Like a Natural Woman. Yes, yes, yes. That was a parody. That came from a parody account. Ah, Greg, and that's the one you found. You found that. Yeah. So a lot of people fell for that.

And it is not true. There was not an LGBTQ group going after Aretha Franklin for Natural Woman. And for what it's worth, also Carole King wrote it. That's right. And she's a transvestite. I'm sorry? No. Oh.

Other dates coming up. I will be in Philly at the Helium Comedy Club, March 9th through 11th. In L.A. on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. We're doing a big show. Mike Gibbons is on it. Guess who else is on it? Dennis Govans.

Come see him live. It'll be like coming to the zoo to see an orange orangutan. Come on out. He's going to do a bit with us. He brings it. Coming to Boston, Laugh Boston in June. I'm laying low for a little while after this special. Just focus on my podcast.

Just out of shame. I got to write a new hour. That's right. You're throwing it all out. Throwing it all out. Throwing it all out. I'm so glad that I'm going to be able to just write new shit. Nice, man.

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The Knicks and the Clippers are playing today at 4 o'clock, and I think that the Clippers are going to trounce them. They've won like six of their last eight games. Everybody's healthy, and the Knicks are a little cocky, little cocky. Just came off a big win over the Celtics. Did you see that game the other night? No, I should have, though. Oh, my God. I will be a bandwagon knicks fan i will jump back on it oh it was no shame in checking out for 15 years download the app now and sign up with code papers new customers

can bet five dollars on the nba and get get $200 in free bets instantly. Only at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA with code PAPERS. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. Void in Ohio. Sorry, Ohio. And there's some disclaimers that you have to read about in our show notes about gambling. Are you a gambler, Mike, besides fucking taking me for $550 on Brady this year?

Well, you're going to learn this hour. It's probably over an hour. I'd like to start betting on the weather. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll get to that. Okay. Let's get to the front page. Let's do it.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! This is a soft-ass newspaper. There we go. All right, and here we go. Michigan boy, six years old, orders Grubhub on dad's phone. Mason, a six-year-old Michigan boy, is allowed to play on his dad's phone for a few minutes after he gets into bed at night. And this time, it's sweet. And this time, Mason ordered $1,000 in takeout food, including $183 in jumbo shrimp and endless chili fries and ice cream.

jumbo shrimp, and endless chili fries and ice cream. Mason's dad said, imagine my shock when delivery driver after delivery driver pull up dropping off food at my doorstep. The doorbell camera footage at one point shows the dad asking one driver, what the hell is going on? The non-stop deliveries came to an end after the dad's bank declined a 439 order for pepperoni pizza kid goes big that would have been on top of the thousand dollars worth of food already ordered and this is the dad in the article the quote quote i went up to my son's room and explained that this was wrong he heard me and asked, did the pepperoni pizzas come yet?

Like his dad is his bitch. But I like that he heard out the anger. He let him get it out. But there's more coming. Kid didn't know Chase had called the dad and canceled the order. Oh, my God. I'll have a Super Bowl party if this kid can run it for me. Yeah, sure.

You're not going to go hungry at that party. And this guy also told his wife, you're never going to believe all the charges he ran up on OnlyFans. Can you believe our kid is into Czechoslovakian foot porn? Exactly. Blame everything on that guy. Me and both of them. He ordered a new sofa and rug.

Honey, I don't know what. We got to get that phone away from him. Both of them blaming him. Can you believe this kid rubbed lipstick all over my boxer shorts? We've got to talk to him. We've got to have a family meeting about this. That one seems like a stretch from ordering on the phone.

All right, here it is. Betting on weather. It is officially here. Weather betting is effectively like sports betting, says John Holden, who's an associate professor at Oklahoma State University and an expert in sports policy. And he explains how people are getting into this game. People will place a bet on will we have rainfall or how much snow will a certain place get or what will be the first day of snowfall? Whether betting emerged and gained popularity during the pandemic,

there will be a proposition like, will there be any rain on this day? And then individuals can select yes or no. And it's exactly like an over under bet. And a bookmaker sets the line where the total points, you know, in an over under, and he does it with the rainfall.

I know. Imagine betting and losing your house because you bet that it won't rain. Now you're fucking poor. You're sitting out getting soaked in the rain. Bad, bad, bad bet story. Yeah, right. Yeah.

All right, honey. Good news and bad news. Good news is... No, bad news and bad news. Yeah, we lost the house, and it's about to rain. Did I say good news, bad news? I meant bad news, bad news. Yeah.

But I was thinking a very good one in L.A. could be the first rain or the last rain. Yeah. Because every year, we wait through October for the first rain. And lately, it's been coming in November. And by the way, by first rain, I mean, sometimes April was the last one. Like literally, like we will get none, like none. Sometimes two or three months goes by without a single drop of rain falling in California. It's crazy. All right. Let's remember this. We can make that bet.

We can also bet on the last rain and occasional rains during summer because L.A. will maybe have that for like five minutes one day or something. Those don't count. You know what would be a good bet also, which just happened this last week, was whether the groundhog sees his shadow.

This year, did you hear whether he did or not? I did not. He did see his shadow. Six more weeks of winter. But then again, like nowadays, he comes out and there's like 100 reporters with flashbulbs. Of course he's going to see his fucking shadow. There's spotlights on him.

It makes it sound like we're in 18 like 80 or something it's such a weird weird tradition but that but poxitani phil who's the who is the groundhog you gotta think like that guy is a rock star in the groundhog world a world where there is no fame there is no glory and here's this one guy who the press and and they're all like, what's with Phil? He gets tons of ass. He wears Ray-Bans and fucking Kangol bucket hats. I think, yeah. Did he pass a, he might be like Minuto where they just refill that role with like new talent and keep the name.

Yeah. Goes to parties with Rudolph and Smokey the Bear and Andy Dick. Maybe he's like Gallagher and he has a brother that also does it some years. Yeah, Poxitani too. Here's a bet that I propose to you because I gotta chase down this fucking 550 that I paid you this year it's tearing the ass out of me this will go well I'm listening

okay a death pool I looked up some death pools and I grabbed some names of people and I purposefully picked people that nobody's gonna be sad when they die cause that's more fun so Biden what are you talking about

i got six or seven names we each pick three names and it pays should we say a hundred bucks or 50 bucks each when they die 50 bucks each is fine 50 bucks right, 50 bucks each. Here's the names. Henry Kissinger, Vladimir Poutine, Pat Robertson, Rupert Murdoch, Bill the Thrill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein. Also a thrill. Roman Polanski. Also a thrill. Jerry Sandusky. Also a thrill. Dick Cheney

Imelda Marcus Imelda's still alive? We'll go one at a time. I'll even let you go first. We'll each pick three and then Denman will notify us when one of them dies and then you get 50 bucks

ahead. So wait, I pick three names and I could say either dead or not dead no they're all alive all these people are alive i think they're all going to be alive in a year though well then the bet will take more than a year oh i mean but if i had to go on somewhere no no but if i had to pick guys that are gonna people that are gonna die oh you want to add some names no no i'm looking at your list now uh i putin apparently is very sick but uh who knows but he's also the richest man in the world or one

of same with murdoch um he's also a guy that may die and the KGB won't let you know he's gone for two more years. Yeah, he's like Puxatawney Phil. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go Pat Robertson, Imelda Marcos. Hold on, hold on. You pick one and then I pick one. Oh, God.

Pat Robertson. I'm going to take Henry Kissinger. Kiss of Deathinger. You probably know something I don't know I don't know shit I just know that he's fucking old And I want him to die he's a war criminal Alright I'm gonna go Imelda Marcos Oh

I'm gonna go Uh Pat Robertson I already chose that Oh you did? Oh sorry I'll take uh i'll take cosby just because it'll be really fun when he dies huh um what do you mean he's working on his sitcom developing sitcoms man uh dick cheney i think has like a 27 year old's heart in his chest now like his

third heart so i think he's going to be around. Weird thing is he ate it. That's how he got it. He does. He does eat them on Fridays. I'm going to say yay, yay, yay. I don't, I mean, how has Sandusky not been killed in prison? Yeah, that's true.

That's a good call. I'm going to say Murdoch. I'm going to take Harvey Weinstein. I like that you didn't choose good people. That's good. Because Tom Hanks is dead

this year. Alright, let's pick two more each. Really? Or one more each. We have enough for one more each. All right, Sandusky. All right, and I will take... Polanski? We're down to the Polish names.

I'm going to take Chaney. Oh, boy. Bad bet. I'll take that heart. I'll take that young heart. Badaney. Oh, boy. Bad bet. I'll take that heart. I'll take that young heart. Bad bet. Okay, good. So we'll see how that pays off.

Monkeys. You say monkeys. What happened to the monkeys? I saw this in the doc. All right, so we have a Google doc, and the word monkeys is the headline. And then why don't you read the monkeys article? Just read it. Where is it?

There, it isn't there. It's a story about a Tesla. All right. Yeah. All right. On January 23rd, 74 year old Dolores.

There's no 24 year old Dolores. There's only 74 year old. I got an aunt Dolores. There's no 24-year-old Dolores. There's only 74-year-old Dolores. I got an Aunt Dolores. Why is Dolores driving a Tesla? Yeah. Dolores Elizabeth Hebe, so she's not Irish, died after crashing her 2019 Tesla into a San Rafael backyard pool. What a Hebe.

The police got called at 7.30 about a car veering off the road and crashing into the pool. What a heeb. She got, the police got called at 7.30 about a car veering off the road and crashing into the pool. I like that it was a backyard pool. So she went through the front yard, around the side yard, and into the backyard. Yeah. The owner of the pool said the guest

tried to rescue the, a guest tried to rescue the victim. A guest? So I guess they were having a party at 7.30 in the morning. He was there trying to open the car and get the person out, but couldn't. I called 911, they came within five minutes. Jesus, that's a good neighborhood. Try fucking calling 911 in Venice. Good luck.

He was pulled from the vehicle by first responders, obviously not anti-Semitic ones, and pronounced dead at the scene. Wow. So it's not even a joke, but a Tesla in a pool, I mean, is that like a toaster in the tub? I think so. Yeah. I mean, how does that go? I think everyone fries. Everybody fries.

It can't be good. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess there's a lot of big batteries going. But at least it's not leaking like 10 gallons of gas into the water like a regular car would. With the Tesla, it's just eight ounces of kombucha and the resin from a vape pen. Although I don't think Dolores had that stuff. Yeah. Keep it in there like it's like a wreck. You can go wreck diving around your Tesla in your pool.

This thing sank like Tesla stock. That's right. No chance of floating. And it's not going to come back up. The mobile police department responded to a call Monday that male genitalia. Genitalia is a fun word, isn't it? It sounds kind of foreign, but it sounds like a party. Has been found at an Alabama gas station.

Alabama, another fun word. Yep. Alabama, another fun word. Yep. Alabama genitalia. I'd go to that music festival. That sounds like a great song. Get away. Witnesses found the human penis in the parking lot.

First of all, how do you know it's a human penis? Could have been a moose? Well, it had a tattoo on it that's one giveaway uh they found it in the parking lot of a gas station located at blah blah blah uh they're investigating the incident as a murder or assault they believe the penis belongs to a motorcycle driver who was involved in a fatal accident on the nearby interstate. Yeah. I mean. He's on his way to Sturgis.

He has an early jump to Sturgis. That's exactly what happens. Ah, fuck. He shows up at Sturgis. He doesn't even realize he's missing his penis. God damn it. Right. How can I come to a convention without my penis?

It's like coming to a sword fight without a sword. I mean, I've heard of some horrific accidents. I've seen accidents where people's shoes fall off, but your cock? That's impact. I don't know. Yeah. I don't agree with this call on the cause would the cause of this or whatever you want. What created it?

Yeah, I'm starting to think maybe this was a false story, too. Is it possible? Denman, research this story for us, because I don't want to get a million letters saying that we were wrong again. How does your dick fall off in a motorcycle accident? And how do they just assume and they don't know about the accident yeah what if it was a dildo just like a very a really good dildo maybe they were just like that looks like a biker's dick that's how it started yeah yeah that seems dirty yeah it seems like a biker's dick.

Well, maybe they found it inside a biker chick who was dead on the highway. Maybe that's the giveaway. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. It was in the mouth of a runaway. A 19-year-old Iowa woman has been charged with bilking hundreds of donors out of more than $37,000 by lying on TikTok and GoFundMe about battling pancreatic cancer. About a stolen golf club set. And having a tumor the size of a football. Madison Maddy Russo was arrested on January 23rd on a first-degree theft charge.

The accused con artist documented her bogus cancer battle on TikTok and GoFundMe. She raised $37,000, and witnesses were said to have observed terrible, life-threatening inaccuracies of her medical equipment

placement on her body. And I looked at the pictures, she had like, you know, taped tubes on her chest and it looked like a seven-year-old had done it. It looked so stupid. Oh my God. Also the football size tumor. I'm thinking she just wanted Tom Brady to put his hand inside her. It's a very sneaky way to get that done.

Yeah, she said it was a deflated tumor. Yeah, that'll help. I'll be all over that. You know, like Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder, never go full football. No. That just sounds too big. She went full football. Should have said grapefruit.

That's believable. Yep. Yeah. football should have said grapefruit that's that's believable yep yeah fucking this really does remind me of the gubbins story oh my god i didn't see you had written that in there sorry that's all right uh by the way gubbins it was truly stolen so don't no one gubbins were stolen yeah no that this was real and he got clubs, and we thank you guys for pitching in. He got a very nice set. It was so nice of people to do that. Yeah.

And then meanwhile, I just had a listener reach out to me. I've been playing with my father. You know my father will be dead 30 years in June? Come on. Yeah, 30 years. And so when he died, he had a set of clubs that were already about 10 years old, some old ping I twos, which I still play with just, just in his memory. I still play with them, even though it probably adds about five shots to my game. And Dennis gives

me tons of shit about it. And he says, let's just get a new set. And so I'm thinking about it maybe. And then this guy, I mentioned that, and this guy reaches out to me. He works for, I'm not going to say which golf company. I don't want to get him in trouble. But he's giving me a 60% discount. Come on. He goes, just pick a set of irons.

I can get you 60% off. So I think I'm going to do it. And you just meet him under the overpass in Los Angeles. That's it. And wanting you to pick up a little beach cruising bike also. Yeah, right. Wow. pick up a little beach cruising bike also. Yeah. Right. Wow. They're a little rusty.

Well, this brings us right into Good News for Gubbins. Good News for Gubbins. This was funny. All right. This came from Andrew in New Jersey. And, Andrew, this was inspired. I like this, andrew new jersey and andrew this was inspired i like this and we may very well do it uh it may take some effort but the payoff will be worth it search google instagram facebook find someone else named dennis gubbins have them on the podcast he'll lose

his mind i kind of like that yeah i like that i think i think we got to get yeah oh another store gubbins story this week was uh not a good one but he's been begging us to do uh chris what's the name of the college where the coach catfished a player coppin state coppin state gubbins is so furious we haven't done this story i mean it's around christmas time in you know in his defense he was pitching it around then but i guess this coppin state coppin state uh scandal is is really crazy yeah well it's an old story i mean we're're not HBO documentary films. We're a fucking weekly podcast. We keep it fresh, baby.

Fresh dicks in gas stations. Oh, my God. You're just trying to infuriate Gubbins now. Fresh Teslas in pools. Punch him in whatever, his ears. Yeah. Gubbins is like, Gubbins is so proud of himself. He's like, dude, haven't smoked weed in like two months. And I was like,

didn't you just eat a gummy five minutes ago? He's like, yeah, but I haven't smoked any pot. I know. It's like we're a parole officer and he's trying to find little loopholes. All right, let's get to entertainment. Oh, boy. Look at this. Our favorite girl, our old boss, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Oh, this is your story. Yeah, and Portia de Rossi. Well, they renewed. How nice and beautiful.

They renewed their wedding vows. And, oh, wait, maybe it's not so nice. With Kris Jenner's help, the former talk show host took to social media on Thursday to share videos from their surprise ceremony, which was officiated by Kris Jenner. This sounds so wholesome. Yeah. And featured a performance by Brandi Carlile. and featured a performance by Brandi Carlile. Quote, welcome to Portia's birthday party and to the newest homes of one of my favorite couples,

Jenner67 said, with a giant blind spot for how many Americans are out of work and struggling right now. Then here's a quote from DeGeneres. Portia surprised me at her birthday party by renewing our vows that's what degenerous captioned her instagram post and we all know how much ellen loves surprises oh my god that was the number one mandate on the show is do not surprise ellen with anything

she likes total control no i remember a couple you, you broke that rule by writing a joke with a funny punchline that you couldn't see coming. She does not like that. She does not like surprises. No. Um, and thank you at Kris Jenner for officiating and Brandi Carla for performing and Portia for being the greatest gift to me, even on your birthday. I, I, I, it's just so Hollywood.

And there it is. I, it was like in all the math. It's disgusting. I'll tell you what I can tell you this without any doubt is Ellen, instead of renewing these vows would take renewing her TV show in three seconds. I think she would drop Portia to get that. Yes, she would.

I think she would run over Portia to get that. In a Portia. Yeah. All right. Speaking of spectacles, a man took over a year to recreate the 15,000 mile Forrest Gump run. How? Before she passed away, Rob Pope's mother, Kathy, asked him to promise her one thing. Do one thing in his life that would make a difference.

And apparently he said, nope, because for him, that meant something no one else had done before. There were only, quote, there were only a few hundred people that had run across America, but nobody had done the Forrest Gump run. It was a bit of a light bulb moment. I guess the bulb went off at that moment. He writes about it in his book, Becoming Forrest, one man's epic run across America. The journey took Pope through 43 states over 422 days as he crisscrossed the country four times covering 15,600 miles. To this day, Pope hasn't heard from Tom Hanks,

despite several attempts to make contact. Yeah. You want to know why? Because that's an awkward call when Hanks has to say, yeah, I ran a mile to get all those scenes for the movie. Not even by the way, not even Tom Hanks ran that. I mean, a made up person ran it. hope next he plans to marry an emotionally unavailable woman with aids and raise a son who child services has somehow left in the care of an intellectually challenged man boy oh is that what happened in that movie was he left with a child to raise yes oh i don't remember that i forrest gump is a single parent. Oh, interesting. That's insane. Yeah. Imagine that every night you sit down to dinner, you're malnourished, you have acne, and there's another box of chocolate. That's it for dinner every night.

You know, son, I know, Dad. I know. I know, Dad. I want some vegetables. The problem is life's not like a box. Like I know what I'm getting every day. You have a routine. You are deeply entrenched in your spectrum routine.

And so there's no surprises at all, actually. Yeah. You know, it would be a surprise if life was like a bowl of salad and a plate of pork chops. Box of chocolates for dinner cannot continue. We're on 13 years. By the way, what's with this guy running 15,000 miles? I mean, you can take that approach or you can just get hypnotized

and try to remember who molested you. And he's some British guy and let his beard grow. And it was, this movie was in 94. Yeah. I mean, this isn't a lot of people are probably like watching around the road. Like what?

No idea. Now that movie won the Oscar. Do you think it, when I say it holds up, I thought it was stupid in the first place, but do you think the average person today would still like that movie? Like our kids? I think yes. Well, they do. I mean, I think my kids saw it. Oh really? Uh, I think they did. I listen, I, I, it was 94. I was in New York. I think I was working at MTV. I was definitely fancying myself as well. I was basically a hipster. I was like, as a cool kid. So I didn't really like it. Uh, a company had come out around

then a little before called the Weinstein company. And they were putting out the coolest edgiest movies. That's how they started. They were an independent label. So i didn't like the movie at all but in in hindsight it's pretty pretty good movie i have to say okay i mean it's long yeah don't get me wrong you know and um but uh yeah i think it does hold up actually okay i wonder if there's inappropriate stuff in it um oh my god wait a one thing i'm working on this project, but anyway, I don't want to describe it. But one thing that was funny is you see, I forget, maybe it's, I forget that website with, uh, all movies and then you offer your reviews and, um, and I'm not on it, so I don't know it. But anyway, Casablanca had these reviews written by like millennials and gen z and one of them was like um why does

he keep calling his lover kid creepy that's the best that's great yeah that's amazing but um a lot of uh a lot of, I'm trying to scan in my brain through Forrest Gump, because there's a lot of movies where we're like, whoa, that would not be made today. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know if there's any in that. I don't know. All right.

So also in the entertainment section, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is welcoming some first timers to the list of 2023 nominees kate bush i mean what so so her fucking her song was what what soundtrack was it on that it got big again uh was it uh euphoria was it euphoria oh no stranger things right right right so now she gets to go on the rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Are you kidding me? She's very well respected, but yeah, I get what you mean. Sheryl Crow, totally get that. Yeah.

Missy Elliott, are you fucking kidding me? She's pretty giant, man, and I like her a lot. I love her. Don't get me wrong. Love Missy Elliott. She's got fucking, she is a badass. But is that rock and roll? Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden.

I'm not an Iron Maiden fan, but I guess they've got their place. Joy Division, New Order. I guess, what did they have, two different names? Because it's hyphen. Cyndi Lauper, phenomenal. I know, but the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. For Cyndi Lauper? I like Cyndi Lauper. Yeah. I don't know. She's the rock and roll hall of fame for cindy lauper yeah i don't know she's pretty rock and roll that's pretty poppy yeah but it's punk pop george michael it's tough it's a

tough uh you know listen the rock and roll hall of fame meets people every year and there just aren't it's not like maybe it is i was gonna say it's not like baseball or basketball where you know it's three years or four or five years i don't know i don't know what i'm talking about i think they have to wait 25 years after your first release to be indoctrinated. Indoctrinated? Nominated. Inducted? Inducted. Willie Nelson, all right, obviously has nothing to do with,

but then, you know, Dolly Parton got in last year, so now I guess they're putting in the country people. To Dolly's credit, she rejected it and then acquiesced. Rage Against the Machine. Yeah, of course. I don't like them, but I get it, and I wholly endorse it. I can't listen. Rage Against the Machine. Yeah, of course. Never liked them, but I get it. And I wholly endorse it. I can't listen to Rage Against the Machine. What?

It just unnerves me too much. Oh, my God. There's certain bands, Nine Inch Nails, Rage Against the Machine. It's an assault that I don't enjoy. You're crazy. Soundgarden. Soundgarden, of course. The Spinners, of course.

A Tribe Called Quest, fucking the greatest. White Stripes, amazing. Warren Zevon, amazing, but how many songs? Warren Zevon's been rejected for a long time yeah I mean how many songs did he really have he had Werewolves in London he had Money Guns

and Loil Guns yeah I mean but he had three or four songs two or three songs he had more than that he yeah I don't know dylan loves him uh he's you know listen warren's evens great do you remember when he was on the larry sanders show and uh in the episode he's like uh before the show starts he's talking to him in the back hallway and gary's like uh hey i'm so happy you're here.

It's just an honor. I'm such a huge fan. And Warren's Yvonne is like, oh, thanks a lot, man. I'm really happy to be here too. And he's like, hey, so I'm wondering, would it be possible? Could you play Werewolves in London? And Warren goes like, you know, I just, it's been a while. I just, I don't, I'm a little tired doing that song. I've done it so many times. And Gary's like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. And so then they cut to the show taping later, and he plays another song, this beautiful song, and he finishes. And then Gary goes, all right, we got a little bit of time left in the show.

Warren, you mind playing Werewolves in London? And the show ends with him just breaking into the opening chords of Werewolves in London. That show is the best. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, if you haven't seen the Larry Sanders show, because maybe we have young listeners that didn't catch it the first time around. Go back to HBO Go or HBO Max or whatever it's called now and you can see the old episodes. It is a just a fucking gem of a show.

Bob Odenkirk is in it. Janine Garofalo. Rip Torn. Marilyn Rice Cobb. Marilyn Rice Cobb. Rip Torn. Rip Torn. Oh, my God.

Legend. Spade. Carvey. But also Ari from Entourage. Jeremy Piven. Oh, yeah. Jeremy Piven is on it. Right.

And I think it's my theory that Jeremy Piven's Emmy-winning famous career high, which was playing Ari, I think that was his name on Entourage as an a foul-mouthed aggressive douchebag agent he stole that from Odenkirk's depiction of the foul-mouthed he was Larry Sanders agent now Odenkirk played one of the writers on the show, didn't he? Nope. Really? Odin Kirk played an hysterical agent who was just incredibly enabling and a yes man to Sanders. And he would curse a lot. Yeah. And was really aggressive and had like the Bluetooth and the whole thing. And I really think Piven, in my opinion,

I think Piven was heavily influenced by that. Grammys are tomorrow night. Any thoughts? Yeah. I now personally have gotten to know someone who wrote this song that's up for Best Country Song and Willie Nelson performed it. And actually stapleton stapleton is part of the writing crew as well but anyway so i'm rooting for that song

what's the name of the song so we can all root for it mike oh i should look it up i don't know jesus christ it's best country song willie nelson it's the only one i got a song i'm rooting for and you don't fucking know what it's called oh my god anyway uh and then i don't know what else but you know guys i i worked with at cordon uh ben winston in particular is running you know he's one of the producers and he's eventually going to be the executive producer and he might be this year all alone of the grammys oh wow and the whole direction of the grammys as of three years ago, you know, was I think to make it more about the performances.

Why didn't you get a writing job on the Grammys then? Um, I don't know. It was always busy and those aren't the most rewarding, you know what I mean? No, they're not. No. Yeah. Although, uh, I got a, I got a friend who, uh, writes on the Grammys, the Oscars, the Emmys, the Tonys. He writes on every award show. I bet I know. Who is it? Because I've written on all of them. Have you?

Yeah, including the Tonys. And Boone? No. Not Dave Boone? John. Oh, who knows, Boone? No. Not David Boone? John, John. Oh, who knows everything about music? Yes. Wild?

No, no, it's David Wild. David Wild writes on a lot of them. And I think he writes on the, anyway. David Wild is the guy who's very knowledgeable about music, I think. Johnny, his name is Johnny. Anyway. Well, we got Make America Florida

alright and we want to thank our listeners sometimes you guys send us so this week two listeners we're going to do two stories because they're great so the first from Natalie wrote us a really sweet email and this is cutler bay man bites off python's head in domestic dispute like of course

even florida headlines are crazy um so out of the gate by the way way, I'm thinking, oh, is this guy married or dating a snake? Yeah, yeah. Is this the domestic dispute? Domestic issue. All right. Here goes. The 32 year old, a 32 year old Cutler Bay man faces multiple felony charges after police say he decapitated a pet snake with his own teeth during a domestic dispute.

Officers arrived, knocked on the door and could hear a man and woman arguing. And soon after the woman screaming, police say they could hear the woman yell, just kick the door in. So even domestic disputes are a little different in Florida, where the hosts are just like, let yourselves in police. Come on in. Police said Mayorga disregarded commands to put his hands up and attempted to use a taser on him to no avail as officers tried to cuff mayorga he swung at them striking an officer in the eye with a handcuff the woman told police that mayorga had bit off the head of her pet snake a ball python the officers then saw the snake and its severed head sitting next to the

entry door. To be fair, this is what they find in most Florida homes. Right. Welcome, Matt, and the decapitated snake. I think this guy's really sending a message to his future fellow prison inmates, like force me to do any funny stuff. And there's going to be a severed snake on the floor don't trust my mouth i can't control her um one of the real comments by the way because i'm doing that more often i'm reading the comments one of the real comments was send them to the everglades to finish the job i feel like when i read this story that i haven't really led my life to the fullest. Like I, I need a couple more wild nights where I bite the fucking head off a snake and then punch a cop with a handcuff. You know, where I, I do a kilo, a blow and then get in a fucking car chase where I'm on the news.

Like, don't you think your life is short? I'm 56 years old. Like, don't you think your life is short? I'm 56 years old. What's left? I got to go to Florida for a month and just let it happen. Let whatever's going to happen, happen. Is this what you think about as you drive around in your Prius? Yes. With the fender being held together with a paper clip that's rusted.

It really is. Yes. that's rusted. It really is. Yes. But it's also, it's weird to think that somebody who was, I mean, this was obviously drug-fueled,

but that in a split, like five-minute period, you make some choices that land you in jail for years. Like you spend years of your life in an 8x10 cell because of something that happened in five minutes that you fucked up. Sometimes it's one second.

Yeah. The pull of a trigger, the punching of someone. Yeah. Any of those violent acts, yeah, where you just lose your cool. Yeah. Or you put a snake in your mouth and bite down on its head did the snake not bite back i wonder if his tongue got bit by the snake while it was in his mouth did you see this video that's going around i'm sure it's tiktok but i think i saw it on instagram it's a snake a decapitated a decapitated snake and it looks poisonous it might even be a rattler

and its head is off and its body is still rattling and it's still moving and and it gets near that the nose of the decapitated head and it touches it and the nose opens up and bites the body. No. Yes. Yes. No shit. It is surreal. Damn. Dude, you know what video I saw? And I've seen it a million times and I will watch it every time,

at least twice, is the South Carolina Miss Teen USA. And they ask her about geography and that you know why do you think it is that like 60 percent of high school kids can't find things on a map oh so you know you know she was one of my first web redemptions on Tosh.0 oh really you found her we we found her we flew her in and luckily we had already done the nunchuck guy. And so I could I was trying like crazy to prove, you know, my selling, which was pretty true. My selling job on Web Redemptions to people who were really made fun of. And, you know, this is early on. This is like over 10 years ago. I'd be like, you're going to own this joke now. You know what I mean? Like, you're going to make fun of yourself. Also, we're really on your side. That's why we call it Web Redemption. Well, just in case people don't watch Tosh.0 because they've got a fucking brain.

The segment, which is a very clever, smart segment on a show hosted by a guy who. Anyway, it's that you take somebody who failed on the Internet and you bring them in to explain themselves and to try it again so we give her another chance to give her her speech that's what we did and how did you find it i think she did fine i'm trying to remember she did fine i'm trying to remember because originally she said well i i i think that you know it's south african and uh iraqi and she was supposed to be talking about American kids. And all of a sudden she's talking about South African and Iraq. She did say something. She said Daniel and I were like, whoa.

Like she was like she was talking about the Miss, the pageants and a little and especially when they're minor, the little Miss, you know, they're under 18. But Miss Teen USA and all that. And a host who I will not name, but everybody knows, was very ambitious with trying to get with a lot of those girls. Well, that's all I can say. That's all I can say. There's a big story. That's all I can say. Even though she just renewed her vows with porsche de rossi uh you want to do this second florida story this one was from keith another make america florida

oh this story was good i rewrote it a little to delay some of the reveals two dads face attempted murder charges after shooting each other's cars in a wild Florida road rage incident. Nassau County Sheriff Bill Leeper said in a press conference earlier this week that both men were driving erratically before a middle finger from one of the vehicles was met with a water bottle being thrown. The water bottle didn't hurt anyone, but that's when the shooting started. The two men, William Hale, 35 and Frank Allison, 43, exchanged gunfire before spotting a patrol car and pulling over. Well, that doesn't sound too wild. Once they pulled over, they started fighting

on the side of the highway before the deputy broke up the action all right allison was the first one to open fire he fired his sig sauer 45 caliber handgun into the other vehicle hitting a five-year-old girl in the leg hale responded to his daughter being shot as one does by hanging his glock 43 9 millimeter out his window he then emptied his clip at allison's vehicle one of his shots hits allison's 14 year old daughter in the back causing her to suffer a collapsed lung thankfully the injuries sustained by both the children were non-life threatening these These guys each shot a daughter. First of all, they started shooting with their own daughter in the car. Yeah, yeah.

And then it turns out the other guy had a daughter, too, and they both hit them. As Scarface said, in Florida, by the way, in Miami, no fucking kids. It's the only rule. Miami. No fucking kids. It's the only rule. It's the only rule. Okay. I think that might be a Fitz fact. Might he have been in New York when that line was said?

He was in New York, but he was living in Florida at the time. He was bringing some Florida man to New York. He was a Florida man at that point. You're absolutely right. But I also got in a road rage incident with my son strapped into his car seat in the back on the way to nursery school. Yeah. And a guy cut me off and I got out and I punched his window and I tried to get him out of his car while my son watched. So who am I? Venice man.

Venice man. Venice man. Make America Venice. All right. Sports. Yup. An assistant girls basketball coach in Virginia has been relieved of her duties after being accused of impersonating a 13-year-old JV basketball player on her team and participating in a game last week. Arlicia Boykins, 22, suited up for Churchland Park High School in Portsmouth, Virginia

because a missing player was out for a club tournament. As punishment, she will be forced to play for three seasons in the WNBA where she will take a pay cut from being an assistant coach for a JV basketball team in Virginia. What? All right. That anyone noticed? And secondly, who cares?

Who? I'll tell you who cares. The people that are fucking betting on the game. Oh, if you're betting on the game, yeah, I guess so. And that's probably a big deal in your life if you're betting on JV girls basketball. Well, didn't Norm used to bet on crazy shit, Norm McDonald? I think there was there was one oh all the time of course and then you know with that snl he was always very interested in the hawaii home games because those are the only games he could still bet on after snl taped and then also

i think one season he might have bet on every single nhl game really yeah i think i think i heard that damn yeah but no people would be was it eddie brill who had the card game in new york eddie brill they'd be there and he would be looking over the tv like uh like sports center would be on he'd be and he'd be glued to like norm it's like it's college softball highlights he's like and he would have had money on it. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you want to read this one?

Uh, Oh sure. Horrifying details emerge after Eagles rookie, Josh Sills, rape indictment. Eagles rookie guard, Josh Sills is indicted on rape and kidnapping charges after allegedly forcing a woman to engage in sexual activity against her will he is being charged with impersonating an eagles fan no he's not yes he is that's the official charge i mean no disrespect to the poor victim and all disrespect to eagles fans wow you have thrown down the gauntlet this time givens people in philly are not gonna be happy about this no they're not happy how can they be happy they are happy that's what confounds me

what was the movie where uh with jennifer what's her name uh where bob robert de niro plays the Eagles fan. Playbook, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Silver Linings Playbook. I mean, Philly fans cannot be happy with that depiction. Was he banned from the stadium? Oh, I don't even remember. I don't know. I didn't really like that movie. Probably because of Philly.

All right, let's skip this piece of mail because this person is hateful oh okay no they're fine uh international okay i don't think i've seen this story um oh wow i like the headline. Two parents tried to leave their baby at an airport in Israel after being told they need to pay extra to take the child with them on the plane. At Israel's Ben Gurion Airport, they sought to board a flight from Tel Aviv to Brussels. They bought two tickets for themselves, had no ticket for the baby. The parents refused to pay for the baby. The parents refused to pay for the baby. They arrived late, and after check-in, they attempted to board ahead with their travel plans. They are then said to have abandoned the baby by the check-in desk and tried to go straight to security.

Luckily, airport staff spotted what was going on and contacted police, who found the parents before they boarded the plane and took them in for questioning. Oh, what would Kanye say? I don't know if they're Jewish. It does not sound like Jewish parents, I have to say. No, Jewish parents love their children. Maybe too much. Is that racist?

Maybe too much. Now it's racist. Now it's racist. No, but the stereotype of the overbearing. You think a Jewish mom would leave her baby, leave her child? No, they take care of their kids. Do you remember the Jewish joke about the Jewish woman's at the beach with her son? He's just a little toddler and he's splashing around on the edge of the water.

Yeah. And all of a sudden a big wave comes in, knocks the kid down. The undertow sucks him out into the water. She runs out there's slapping the water she's screaming his name moishi moishi where's my moishi oh boy and after about two minutes of screaming she looks up at the sky and she says god i'll do anything just bring back my moishi there's a clap of thunder. A lightning bolt comes out of the sky and now sitting on the sand on a dry patch of golden sand on a blanket

is sitting Moishe, dry and smiling. And she looks up to the sky and she goes, he had a hat. Are you opening your special with that joke? Why not? I don't know what my opening is. I'm leaving it open.

You seriously don't know what your open is? Don't know my opening. I'm going to walk on stage and see what happens. All right. Yeah, keep it real. Good luck with that. I'm going to keep it real. That joke's going to pop out of your mouth.

Okay, let's get to science. Okay. For two years, a zoo in southern Japan has been puzzled by a mystery. How did Momo, a gibbon, that's why I picked this story, kept alone in her cage, got pregnant? We sing. How'd she get pregnant? The 12-year-old white-handed Gibbon lived by herself. Oh, God, she was only 12 and she got pregnant? She lived by herself.

Sounds like a lot of cousins of mine. I already know the answer. She fingered herself and it was a miracle. An Irish pregnancy. Yeah. And was never joined by a companion she lived by herself some of her neighbors are males sure but their cages are separated by sturdy bars and jagged chicken wire fencing it was inconceivable to the zookeepers that they could have made it through the two layers of barriers officials said the ape's point of contact was probably a hole in the wall measuring nine millimeters in diameter. So basically a monkey glory hole. Did they find empty popper bottles nearby? Did the males have cock rings and rainbow tattoos?

I wouldn't have guessed that. I thought it was maybe a cage nearby and kind of like migs and signs to the lambs. And they'll throw their semen uh we know that oh yeah and uh might have thrown it right into her hopper that's what i was thinking happened so momo backed that shit up against the hole and the male and the male i mean he he must have been shredding his cock on that chicken wire, but he didn't care. He wanted some of that Momo. You're saying Momo presented? Momo presented.

That is all right. Well, it's a miracle. Maybe this is the next, maybe this is the second coming. Right. What if the next Jesus was a gorilla? Oh, Christians would have zero of it. Zero. Yeah.

How dare they? They won't even admit that he was black at this point. I know. And wait till they find out he doesn't speak English. They're really going to be crestfallen. Wait till they find out he doesn't have english they're really going to be crestfallen wait till they find out he doesn't have a southern accent exactly yeah exactly uh and he's you know what he's okay with gays what hey hey that's not him kill him kill him again i mean the last supper 12 Come on. Where's the chicks? All right, this day in history?

This day in history. What is this? 2004, on February 1st, it was the Super Bowl, Super Bowl 38. At the halftime show, the Nipplegate Controversy. While performing a duet with Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake briefly exposed one of her breasts in what was later described as a wardrobe malfunction. 143 million people were tuned in. Did you know that many people watched the Super Bowl? Back then, it was big big numbers

143 million holy i wonder what chris what what what are the super bowl ratings recently damn and there have been really good super bowls so and last year so many people were uh tuning in for the rap the hip-hop halftime show uh so i think last year last year was awesome last year's might have been pretty popular yeah um rihanna's gonna do it this year she did it not that long ago and she was she was great i don't know if she did i think she did interesting well the old me would have said, yeah, she did. Oh, there's a new you. The new me questions a little bit.

Okay. Oh, I like this new you. All right. Yeah. Well, listen, I was at CBS late night when this happened and it completely effed up our lives. Because all of a sudden CBS now is in trouble with the fcc the federal communications commission or whatever anyway we had to have the cleanest noses we got more notes than ever before no one really cared we were with kilbourne it was 12 30 at night no one cared now all of a sudden

everyone cared and oh you couldn't even be approaching edgy it was it was terrible um we just got the numbers in from denman last year up 14 percent from the previous year with 112 million not even close to that 144 million He's also saying Rihanna did not perform before, but I don't know if he's right. That is news to one of us. Huh? Yeah. Okay.

Um, the, the nipple thing was so planned and core and everyone then lied after it saying it was a mishap, you know, then, right. And then the phrase, the coin, the phrase was coined mishap. You know? Right? And then the phrase was coined, the wardrobe malfunction.

Maybe that's what I'll do on my special. I'll have my dick pop out. Yeah. Have a biological malfunction. Pop out doesn't sound as impressive as fall out. Right. There'll be fall out after your pop out there you go uh let's do some letters to the editor okay rich ratchford what a name rich ratchford

that's a nurse ratchet hey greg and mike just watched episode 149 you guys talked about actors and was wondering who you would choose uh if you had to choose a modern day actor to bring your life story to the big screen who would it be uh i would have to go with my doppelganger which is a guy named is it mike kelly uh he is he uh he was in house of cards he looks exactly like yes he was in house of Cards. He looks exactly like me. He was in House of Cards. Michael Kelly. He was also very good in, what's the name, with Glenn Close.

Oh, right. He's a really good actor, Michael Kelly. Yeah, anyway, he's in a lot of stuff. Yeah. And, oh, he's in 8 Mile? Is that real? Was he in 8 Mile? I've got an IMDB pulled up right now.

He was in... What's the Glenn Close, she's a high-powered lawyer he he plays a good character in that too uh tom clancy's jack ryan uh house of cards he was doug stamper um black mirror everest man of steel Black Mirror, Everest, Man of Steel. Having nothing to do with this, the new trailer for Succession came out for the upcoming season. Oh, really?

I haven't watched it, but I know it came out and I saved it. I have to watch it. Criminal Minds, Law and Order. Yeah, he was in everything. Keep going down. The fx show 10 years ago the narrows i'll look it up for christ what the christ fair game no the good wife this is fun for

people to listen to f chronicle no person He isn't a lot, though, right? Yeah, the guy works. All right, damages. Okay. All right, what about you, Mike? Who's going to play you? Probably RuPaul. I think.

Just because the range, you know? Yeah, she can capture you as a boy as well as an old man. What about Michael Rappaport? He looks like you. Rappaport could happen. Wait, you said she, though. Was RuPaul not a she? I don't know if RuPaul is a she.

I don't think so. Interesting. You know who I got all the time growing up was, and it worked because his name was Mikey from Life Cereal. Hey, Mikey likes it. I used to get Mikey also. You did? I constantly got Mikey from Life Cereal. Yeah.

I'm going back to the Irish gene pool being very thin. There's very few of us. Then there was another actor who kind of looked like me, kind of like I would in summer sometimes get freckles on my cheeks and I had a big honker nose. And there was a kid who kind of was like that. I couldn't remember for the life of me what he was in. Like I can't remember anything, but I really don't know that.

I used to get Bobby Brady also a lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Here's one from Gaz. Fitz Dogg just watched the latest Sunday Papers. I don't know if it was a bit your producer did or a happy accident, but right after Mike took that Adderall, his video doubled in speed for 15 seconds. That's amazing.

I like that. By the way, on the YouTube videos under the comments, which we get a lot of, a bunch of people guessed when your Ritalin kicked in because you said it at the beginning of the show. People should guess when my Ritalin is kicking in. Oh, right, right, right. Okay. Most people said it was around the 35 to 40 minute mark. Apparently, there was a moment where you went into a rant about 40 minutes in. Oh, okay. Yeah. I could use it today, man. I have, I really haven't done any rants and boy, am I dragging. Um, but I remember saying, okay, it kicked in at one point. I forget why, but,

but, but 40 minutes is always a good guess with drugs. 40? 40 is that magic number. Yeah. Unless you have a full belly of food. Ryan says, it was telling that Greg went with a stereotypical Asian accent for his joke about Google massage therapists gathering intel on their employees. Contrary to what Greg turns up on his Pornhub searches,

not all massage therapists are Asian. Please never have Gibbons on the show. Gibbons, hello, how dare you? Well, look, I can only go. Why is it that I can't go with my personal life story? Why can't I assume that a lot of therapists are Asian when 97% of the ones I've gone to are Asian? At least I'm way more original and in a low percentage game when I'm accusing a valet of being Asian.

Yes. I mean, that's not going to pay off hardly ever. Yeah. So at least I have that on you. Let's get down to the obituary this week. And that's all, folks. A slow, sad crinkling of the paper. Oh, that is sad.

Cindy Williams from Laverne and Shirley. She was Shirley. And she was... We've already lost Laverne. Oh, is Laverne gone? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I believe she passed away, yeah, a few years ago.

Oh, yeah, she died in 2018. Yep. She never knew about COVID. She passed away, yeah, a few years ago. Oh, yeah, she died in 2018. Yep. Never knew. She never knew about COVID. They were Milwaukee roommates who worked as bottle cappers at the Schatz Brewery. Shirley dated Carmine Ragusa. Do you remember that? And it always seemed like Carmine was going to get laid,

but she played this girl that was never going to fuck him. Here they are, these two girls living alone. It was very scandalous. Two roommates. The big ragu. The big ragu. And then Lenny and Squiggy. Oh, he died, the actor. Oh boy. Yeah. He just died. Eddie Mecca. At only, what is that, 69 years old? 52 to 21? Sounds about right. Yeah. And then there was, of course, Michael McKeon. The great Michael McKeon was playing Lenny.

Unbelievable. And then Squiggy, man. We lost Squiggy. David Lander, I loved. Squiggy was my favorite thing about that show. Yeah. I mean, their entrance, whenever they'd say like There's something disgusting in the toilet

It looks squirmy and brown Door opens, hello! Hello! I know, it was so hacky But it got me every time And I remember like trying to focus Like I'm gonna call it I'm gonna say it just when they say it

And it would always sneak up on me Already a writer even when he was eight years old he was already a writer yeah um she also before her fame on laverne and before her fame on laverne and shirley she was uh in american graffiti she was fucking great i forgot about that. Yeah, you know, that's the thing is Laverne's brother, you know, created Happy Days and he just robbed from that movie. He also created Laverne and Shirley. Yeah. You know, there he is. Ron Howard was in American Graffiti. Yeah.

She was in Francis Ford Coppola's The Conversation. She was in Love American Style, Hawaii Five-0. And then I think she went on to produce for a while. That's the key. If you're going to age in this business, you've got to start producing. Right. All right, let's cheer up, Mike.

Let's cheer up for a little while. Wait, hold on a minute. I will say that Gary Marshall. Yeah. I recently saw Gary Marshall's a pretty towering figure in American TV, created Happy Days, created Laverne and Shirley, created, you know, I think had a hand in more, you know, Mork and Mindy was a spinoff of Happy Days. Yeah. know i think had a hand in more you know morgan mindy was a spin-off of happy days yeah um anyway and then director of pretty woman and a lot more so anyway he uh but he's an actor in lost in america and i saw he plays the casino owner i saw lost in america. He, go and find that scene.

It's on YouTube. He is so, there's a quality to his eye contact when he's listening to this ridiculous pitch. Yeah. He's so good. Like, he's a great actor, actually. Yeah, he's thoroughly engaged and present and in the moment and yet dismissive of this guy while also paying attention to him.

It was the perfect combination. It was very real. And I, you know, I wonder if any of it was improvised, you know, like, uh, anyway, it was, it's great and a great movie no matter what. Yeah. Uh, all right, let's go to the funnies. We can do that. Uh, in Hager the Horrible, Helga is sitting with a friend. They're drinking tea. And the friend says, my husband always seeks my advice and never criticizes me. And Helga's got a straight face. In the second frame, they both have big smiles.

And the woman goes, now you tell one. And then there's a third frame you don't see where Helga goes, my husband always asks permission to have sex with me. You tell one. And then there's a third frame you don't see where Helga goes, my husband always asked permission to have sex with me. Touche. Here's another Hagrid the Horrible where Helga walks into the living room. She's got a mop and a bucket. Meanwhile, Hagrid's sitting on a fucking chair.

He's got some beer in his hand. And she goes, why do I... Who does he think he is, Dagwood? Why do I do all the housework while you just sit there and relax? He goes, it's the way of the dark ages. And then in the next frame, she's sitting on the chair drinking the beer. And he's got the mop and she goes welcome to the age of enlightenment wow no more rape in that house nope he's about to get cornholed with that broom handle maybe it's consensual rape i don't know if they could probably figure that out i bet that couple

could figure that out it's a tricky one don't get me wrong it's not like he's an eagles fan right exactly yeah he those barbarians were way above that so lock horns i'm getting a lot of mail from people because we had uh approached uh bunny host who's the woman that writes the Lockhorns. And we reached out and she said she would come on and that was about a year ago. And I have to follow up. She was too busy at the time, but we got to get her on because she's a genius. I don't think she necessarily writes all the cartoons, but she is at this point 91 years old and she still is the one that curates them. So in this one, one leroy's taken off

his jacket he just got home from work loretta's reading a uh a statement and she goes i think we're approaching the top 90 percent oh uh i should find, hold on. You forwarded this to me. Let me find in my mail. Anyway, a guy forwarded some of his very favorite farsides. Let me try to give him credit. I apologize for this. It'll only take a second.

Here we go. And his name, maybe he asked not to say, is Justin. So Justin sent in a bunch and I appreciate it because he did send good ones. So this one here is, it's the Three Magi, the Gift of the Magi. They've shown up to the hut and they're online. It's a manger.

Oh, you're right. I guess it's a manger, but boy, it's a stone manger. It's a stone manger. I know. That's a new take on it. It looks weird. It's almost like this story doesn't have all its facts in a row, and no one can really agree on what happened.

Anyway, the three magi are there lined up holding their gifts, and you see this one magi-looking guy walking towards what would be the camera. And he's kind of looking at us like, uh, you know, almost like a look you'd give if you were in the office and, um, the show and the quote under is unbeknownst to most theologians, there was a fourth wise man who was turned away for bringing fruitcake. And he's stupidly walking away holding his fruitcake having just been rejected. But I just love how he

writes and the sentence is great. Alright, and then Blondie. We got a long Blondie. Dagwood comes strolling home from work. He says, oh, goody. It's always nice to be home. And then he walks in the door, and who welcomes him?

In a pink chiffon top with a short skirt and apron just to keep her place. Oh, yeah. Matching pink shoes. Big kiss. Welcome home, honey. Dinner will be on the table in a few minutes. It's one of your favorites, steak and lobster tail. What?

In the meantime, just relax in your favorite chair and calm down from your hectic day at the office. And after dinner, if you like, I'll rub your neck for you. And then she goes into the kitchen and she's cooking up the steak and lobster. And he walks in and he goes, just tell me, was it on sale? And she goes, are you kidding? It was the deal of a lifetime. Oh, he got her. First of all, you don't ask, Dagwood.

She's fucking, she's throwing herself at you. She's providing you this life lobster tail and dinner and those tits. And you question, you question what she paid for it you should send her shopping you should send her shopping and you should step it up at work and make some more fucking money so she can continue to get deals of the lifetime you don't come in the kitchen while she's cooking with the Inquisition. Yeah. Is she going to put her sexual services on discount that night? Or is she going to give you the full price service?

Right. Is she going to get a breast reduction? I don't think so. Then shut the fuck up. God damn it. I'll get you 70% there. How does that sound tonight in the sack you're right this blow job's on discount yeah 30 off right just the tip of the tip that's the new thing

we're going to do here all right well listen we want to thank you guys for joining us it's been another successful sunday papers we want to remind you guys for joining us it's been another successful Sunday Papers we want to remind you tonight if you're listening during the day and you live in Los Angeles get your ass down to the comedy store for my special there's still some tickets left for the late show and otherwise

keep posted when I'm gonna when the special's gonna come out I'll give you all the info later about that we want to thank Midcoast Media Key and John andh and denman for helping out making the show possible thank you apologize in advance or not in advance i guess for my mic technique oh boy uh it's probably no bueno um anything you want to promote mike yes I want to promote this special of yours Greg

nice I appreciate that don't be nervous maybe one thing that would help your nervousness is knowing what your opener is yeah I think I'm going to do the bumper sticker joke most likely it's a quick

hard joke that always gets a big laugh and it has nothing to do with the rest of the set but sometimes you just throw them a bone you come out on stage you throw a piece of meat you go here you go that's a gift take that right yeah and do it for the first show see how it goes and you can always change it right okay there you go i like it yeah i love it and don't forget you know you're shooting two shows, which they do with all stand-ups, and you could cut in between them if you want. So just make sure the maroon matches from show to show.

That's it. I'm going to iron my maroon T-shirt before the show. Yeah. Maybe you'll get a massage today. All right, good luck with it. Break a leg. Thank you. Thank you very much.

All right, have fun in Nashville, and I'll see you thank you very much all right have fun in nashville and i'll see you when you get back we uh mike and i will be going on to bert's is it a tv show or is it a podcast what is it bert kreischer's podcast no i don't think it is i think no i think we're doing he's got a cooking show it's called like something's burning with bert or something oh i didn't know that's what we were doing. Okay. So we're doing that on Tuesday.

We don't know when it comes out, but we'll let you guys know. Oh, I like it. All right. Great. All right. Talk to you guys later. And take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Yep. Read all about it. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Read all about it take it eesh take it eesh take it eesh read all about it it's addictive I think it's a metaphor

shit whoa yeah there it is yep yes um uh uh anyway uh are we still on? Shoulder is there. I like that. Why do I always have to be the good example? I should watch what I say. Man up.

Get on board. Throw a move on her. I like that. Mike? No. Mike? Extra, extra! You have to change the ending.