Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 151 2/12/23

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

The boys talk about this week’s appearance on “Something’s Burning” w/ Bert Kreischer. Super Bowl predictions and a chick fight at The Philly airport. Spirit attendants won in the third round. A man beats a DUI charge because his wife was chasing him and a woman committing a murder/suicide chickens out of the suicide part.

If you're tired of deciphering the headlines, don't despair. Get ready for a good time, here we go. It's the Sunday Paper Show. And I have no memory of it. Well, now we're 40 minutes. No, no, I, no joke, just put it in my mouth. And yep, I did. All right, that's what happens. What? All right. I'm going to plug these in.

I got a new chair in my office. It's very comfortable. What happened? I got a new chair for my office. You got a new chair? New chair. Wow. We're like pilots on a plane.

Check. Chair, how's your chair? Check. Chair, chair, chair. Check, check, check. We've got clearance for clearance. And what's your vector, Victor? Hey, now.

Oh, I got the wrong microphone. Check, check. You're just figuring that out now. We're halfway through the podcast. Jesus. Key can put all this in. She can leave all this in. Less work.

Key, just all this in. She can leave all this in. Less work. Key, just leave this in. People should see how unprepared he is and what I deal with on a weekly basis. Just leave it in. Hey, listeners. Check, check, check. Oh, now it's hot. Now it's hot, baby. There we go.

Sunday papers. Read all about it. Clap in. Clap in. Yo, yo, wait. Hold on. Wait, Mike.. Clap in. Clap in. Yo, yo, wait. Hold on. That's right. Hold on.

Hold on. Five, six, three, seven. Three, two, one. No one hears it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Papers is here. Sunday Papers. here Sunday Papers

Xtree Xtree Get a paper Sorry hold on I'm working on my levels I wonder how many people literally get their news From us every Because I used to get my news from the Daily Show We're just like

We're going to win a Peabody award are you kidding me I don't even have win a Peabody award. Are you kidding me? Just like that app. Just like Peabody app. I used to watch The Daily Show every night when Jon Stewart was in his prime on The Daily Show. It was fucking amazing because they really did give you a lot of good content in addition to the jokes. Yes. No, no, of course. Of course. It was the top mostly political news of the day and stuff like that. You know, Jon Stewart, I think, you know, he's great, obviously, but I thought Colbert really started to really kill it at one point, you know, just undeniable. undeniable and my theory is that that's when Jon Stewart started to scream more yes he got more animated yeah and I felt was in my opinion still great and Jon's the nicest guy don't get me wrong but uh I think he was forcing it a little bit it seemed a little forced and not not as natural

and you know who am I to judge you know he's trying to you know seemed a little forced and not as natural. And who am I to judge? He's trying to keep a younger demo and all that stuff and maybe that's what he thought it was. He got a little Muggy McMugstein too. There was a few too many facial expressions and long pauses that were organic originally

and then he started to kind of lean on them more. And again, I feel the same way. I think the guy is phenomenal. So great. But Colbert, by the end, was the show I was watching every night instead of The Daily Show. Yeah. And it had that extra layer of satire, you know, which just made it more interesting. And Colbert is such a strong performer, way stronger than Jon Stewart. And Jon would tell you that. You know, he comes from improv and everything. Have you, we've talked about it before, but anyone who's forgotten,

if you keep a list of things to watch, the documentary Too Funny to Fail about Dana Carvey's sketch show. Yeah. Where two young, completely unknown people who could were they were having trouble paying rent. And it was Steve Carell and Colbert were hired as writers and performers on the show. No. The other people struggling who wrote on that show, Charlie Kaufman, who went on to win two Oscars for writing. Louis C.K. Bob Odenkirk. I don't know if Odenkirk wrote on it. Or am I thinking of the Ben Stiller show? Odenkirk was definitely Ben Stiller. Smigel. Smigel wrote on it. Did you already say that? On Dana Carvey? Yeah. Yeah. It was a murderer's row.

Louis Smigel. It was crazy. Kaufman. Yeah. It was nuts. Dino Stamatopoulos. Yeah. It's a great documentary.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. We're really in sync today. Look at us. Huh? Finally. Show. What is it?

I got my thousandth episode of Fitz Dog Radio coming up. Come on. Yeah. You got to be on it. Will you be on it? I got my thousandth episode of Fitz dog radio coming up. Come on. Yeah. You gotta be on it. Will you be on it? Yeah. All right. I don't,

I don't enjoy podcasts with you, but okay. I'm thinking about maybe getting Rogan or Louis CK or, um, trying to get the people that really like. Kindler. Hello. Who?

Kindler. Yeah, but nobody listens to those. I mean, I want to have him on again, but I want one that's going to have like huge ratings. Maybe get like three big name guests all on the podcast and do it live. Cosby. Oh, that's good yeah put them towards the end because people tend to go to sleep yikes burp um what else we got we got i taped my special i talked about i talked about it on my podcast already but i guess i should share it on this show. It went well.

Thank you all for the amazing amount of support I got. I got a million emails from people wishing me luck, and it went great. We had two big crowds and standing ovations on both shows. But I think that's just a given when you do a taping. I think the crowd feels like they have to do that because otherwise I've never gotten a standing ovation in the, I think I got one standing ovation in 15 years of work in the OR before this taping.

It's the night they kick you out for being inappropriate. Yeah. And then I got two in one night and now I'm out. I flushed that material. It's behind me. And I've spent the last, I started going out again two nights ago with all new material and I am bombing, but it feels good. The standing ovations have stopped? Oh yeah. We're getting some walking ovations. Talking ovations. Well, congratulations, man. Thank you.

I checked in on you, and you were very happy with how it went. So, I mean, that's the best. Yeah, it was fun. I got a little self-conscious on a late show because some comedians came out to watch, and I really didn't want anybody watching me because I get very in my head sometimes if I'm taping something. But the support was nice anyway. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

O'Neal snuck in, Tom O'Neal and Mary Fitz. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh, that's very cool. They came to the late show. Yeah. Oh, nice. And then what else is going on? We'll talk about the Super Bowl later.

You and I did Bert Kreischer's, what's his show called? His cooking show? Something's Burning, I think. Something's Burning with Bert. What's burning is his liver. I think that's what's burning. Well, I talked to, Doug Stanhope called me yesterday because remember he was coming in after us?

Oh, that's right. And he was supposed to do a podcast from the afters and he goes dude what the fuck did you guys do to burt and i was like nothing i go him and him and mike had a few scotches he's like he's like he was done when i got there and he was supposed to do another podcast i mean he he he is in some ways a literal machine. I mean, he just, I don't know how he keeps going. And he was doing a podcast after hours and we drank during hours. And then he had just gotten in like from the road or something crazy.

And then the next morning he was going to Arizona. Yep. And now you have news. Oh, what? Did he invite me on his tour? Yeah. Yeah. And now you have news. Oh, what? Did he invite me on his tour? Yeah. Yeah, he invited me out next week. I'm going to leave on Wednesday and fly on a red eye to Atlanta, get picked up in a tour bus.

And I don't know if it's, I don't think it's his crazy tour bus. I think that's still being tripped out. But I think they've got like a fancy tour bus. Yeah, he's building his own. Right. tripped out but i think they've got like a fancy he's building his own right and there's a bunch there's a bunch bunch of us and um and then we're gonna uh go to savannah georgia orlando um tampa and then after that uh sagura is going to meet us in daytona on sunday and we're going to go to the daytona 500 but the whole time he's like, he's like, do you want a hotel room? I go, well, are you getting a hotel room?

He's like, no, no, we all stay on the bus, but like, I'll get you one if you want it. I'm like, I was like, are you kidding me? I've always wanted to tour on a bus. I've never been on a tour bus in my life. And it's been like, I have this dream ever since like almost famous, probably, you know, when they're all singing tiny dancer and, and the Jackson Browne song about like, you know what, you know, when they're all singing tiny dancer and, and the Jackson Brown song about like, you know what, you know, we got Richard Pryor on the video.

Like I just pictured the camaraderie of being on a tour bus together. So there's a bunch of buses a little different. You're going to wake up with like straws sticking in your ass or, uh, whatever, whatever pranks are going on. You guys are going to taste each other's balls until you fall asleep. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be fun. A little different than Tiny Dancer. And then what else?

That's great, though, man. Demin is writing me, get it in writing. Okay. He told the same thing to Ian Bagg, get this in writing. Okay. He told the same thing to Ian Bagg. Get this in writing. What does that mean? I don't know.

He just invited him out on tour. Oh, this one was pretty. This one was in writing, actually. Yeah, I got a contract. He reached out to my agent. There's a contract.

Look at that. And so that'll be fun. And then our episode, I don't know when our episode comes out, but we had fun. He cooked us some, what did he make us? Corned beef sandwiches because he's racist. That was kind of racist, wasn't it? Yeah. I get, you know, of course, I don't, you know, I'm trying to see the racism. But yeah, I guess so. Sure. But I don't know. If you're if you have an Asian guest coming over and in some in some form, it feels right to make Asian food?

I don't know. Is that racist? I don't think so. I think that's being accommodating. Really? Serving Chinese food to a Japanese man? Oh, to Japanese. You're weird.

Yeah, yeah. Went to a Clippers game a couple nights ago. That was fun. Went with Ian Edwards and my buddy Doc. And we were I'm friends with one of the coaches for the Clippers. So he gives me these really good tickets. But it's like it's the tickets where all the players, friends and family sit. So there's some characters. There's some. So is that why you brought a black guy? Yes. Perfect. Yes.

No, I don't know that many people that are big basketball fans. I asked for B, but he couldn't make it. And I asked George. No, I didn't ask for B. I asked George. And you asked me? He was my first. Well, you're not a big basketball fan. No, but live basketball is pretty cool. I just couldn't do it. Well, you're not a big basketball fan. No, but live basketball is pretty cool.

I just couldn't do it. No, you asked me. Oh, I did ask you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. But I couldn't go. Yeah, and Ian's a huge basketball fan, and so is Doc. So we had fun. It was a good time.

But, you know, fucking parking is like $35. But, you know, fucking parking is like $35. This is now you complaining about house seats that were free? I know. They were good seats. They were really good seats. And I got to see Kyrie Irving's first game playing for the Dallas Mavericks. He had been traded the day before.

Oh, my God. How did he do? Oh, my God. Watching an elite athlete like that. And I remember going back to our college days because our friend Pete Scott worked for the New England Sports Network and they covered the Celtics games. And so sometimes he'd call us. Did you ever work for him? Did he ever get you a job? Yeah, we talked about this. Oh, we did. Yeah. Okay. Holding the speed gun and all that. What it's like to watch Larry Bird or Michael Jordan up close. And watching Kyrie is kind of like that. He's so fast off the line.

His first move, you can't guard his first move. It's just lightning. Right. Great passer. Really, like, huge IQ on the court. it was great but i you know what i don't like i don't like that they feel like they have to turn the arena into a fucking nightclub i don't need music blasting all the time and t-shirt cannons and dancers and cheerleaders and acrobats and contests and giveaways. It's like, can I just sit and watch the fucking game? Also, talk about questionably racist,

like having an Asian guy over for dinner and preparing Asian fare. When I think you took me, it seemed like the largest quinceañera party I had ever been to. Are they still leaning into, or maybe was it Latin American? It wasn't as much. No, no, no. I remember, yeah, they brought a mariachi band out. Remember they brought a mariachi band out.

It was a mariachi band. And then mariachi and a latin music every single bump or you know whatever you want to call it in and out of breaks the tv breaks yeah and out of place and timeouts and then um and everything on the camera maybe it was like i don't know maybe some sort of latin pride thing that i was unaware of. It was crazy though. Yeah, it's a bit much. And I find the same thing at football stadiums. I, I, you can't, literally I couldn't talk to doc who was two seats away from me. I could not hear him. That's how loud it was the entire time. Right. We want to thank Craig Godet for making our,

which one do we want to use? We want to use the firstet for making our... Which one do we want to use? We want to use the first one or the second one? I think the first one. All right. I like the first one. It's the Grammys. And what's that band called? Yeah, I think they broke up.

Daft Punk. Yeah, Daft Punk. Yeah. That's a good one. He sent us another one of Ben and J-Lo, but we'll use this one. That's Ben and J-Lo? You know who I look? I look like Adam E. Get There.

You do? He just texted me yesterday. Oh, yeah? The club is delayed again. No. Yeah. Why? Who knows?

I hope it's Texas red tape because they all move there to avoid red tape California Red Tape The song this week What did you think of that David Chamberlain song Well we all listened to it together A couple of minutes ago and I really like it Yeah Chris and I both thought

It sounded very similar To a TV show That would like Bump in I'm using that word too much today It sounded very similar to a TV show that would like bump in. I'm using that word too much today, but like it was like a segue into the show and we're out to break. Yeah. So if anyone has the same sort of feeling from that, write in and tell us what it is. And David Chamberlain is recordla.com if you want to check out his other stuff corrections mike mulroy said that werewolf i'm not into the mic werewolves of london not werewolves

in london okay yeah also piven was channeling walberg's agent ari emmanuel in entourage maybe he took some cues from Odenkirk, but the party line is that Emanuel was his muse. Well, obviously, he took his fucking name, the same name. Ari. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, Ari Emanuel was a kind of legendary hothead. Yes.

Like a brat. And who's his brother? Isn't his brother also some powerful dude? Yeah, they're both from Chicago and incredibly political and powerful. He was in the Obama administration. Wasn't he also like the congressman from Illinois or something or the governor? Yeah. Is it Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel? Yeah. Chris is writing up there. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's? Rahm Emanuel? Yeah. Chris is writing up there. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's not the mayor of Chicago. The mayor of Chicago is a Native American. No, no, he was.

Oh, he was. After he left D.C., he went back and won that. Yeah, and I met their father once. I was at my management company, and I got introduced to the father. And I took the elevator down with him, and we talked in the lobby for like 10 minutes and I go, what's the secret? I go, how do you raise kids to be as successful as your kids were? And he goes, you don't give them excuses to get out of things. Give them excuses.

You make them finish what they're supposed to do. It's like, okay, that's pretty good. I think we give our kids too many excuses sometimes. Is that advice on how to raise a rageaholic overachiever? I know. That's the thing. Like, raising kids is weird because do you want a rich, successful, high-status child, or do you want a happy child?

Because the two, they're not mutually exclusive, but they can tend to compete with each other. Of course they can. Yeah. That's the hardest balance in this town, and we're not that special. If you go to Wall Street, it's there also. Anywhere.

I mean, doctors, lawyers. Yeah. Especially jobs that have real, which a lot. I mean, oh, my God, school teachers. But jobs that have really unfair or zero boundaries. Yes. That's, it's, you have to, that balance is you have to define where that line is, and it's very hard to do.

If you're ambitious, it's very hard to draw a healthy line. Yeah. Well. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Another reason why I've crawled my way to the middle, and I'm staying right there, baby. Yep. Look at us. Well adjusted in the middle and I'm staying right there, baby. Yep. Look at us.

Well adjusted in the middle. Free podcast, everybody. I've got some tour dates coming up. I will be in Philadelphia at the Helium Comedy Club March 9th through the 11th. Los Angeles at the Improv St. Patrick's Day March 17th. Me, Mike Gibbons, Dennis Govans, as well as I always get some big name acts. Joey Diaz has done it in the past. Rogan's done it in the past.

Santino. So come on out. There's always some fun surprises. Get your tickets at FitzDog.com. Oh, boy, I got to write down some jokes. Also coming to St. Louis. Are we announcing this, Denman? Are we announcing St. Louis?

Is it time? are we announcing St. Louis? is it time? should we do it? alright let's just do a soft announcement that I'll be coming to St. Louis on April 1st Mike Gibbons may or may not be a part of that I don't think I am Escondido which is north of San Diego

I'll be at Grand Comedy Club April 14 and 15. Kansas City at the Argosy Casino, May 20. Boston, Laugh Boston in June. All tickets, FitzDawg.com. Bang. Argosy Casino, okay. Let's talk about our fine sponsor this week, Green Chef.

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Some are more involved. This one will get you to the table in 25 minutes, which is nice. Yeah. And if you're sticking to a carb conscious lifestyle, this is the only keto meal kit available. Carbon and plastic offset. That's the only meal kit that is both carbon and plastic offset. They offset 100 hundred percent of their carbon footprint as well as a hundred percent of the plastic in every box. I love that. I told you when, um, when we got them, uh, I cooked with Sophie when she was home over, uh, over winter break. And, uh, it was great. Like she chose one, I chose the other. It's all laid out. A lot of them, like, it's almost like you have a prep cook has already done all the busy work for you and you just get to cooking and it was it was

actually really fun oh that's nice and it bailed me out I'm terrible there's not you and I talked about that on Bert's podcast how the ADD aspect to us makes it so daunting to shop and have all the ingredients and then to cook. Like I have to read a recipe if I'm doing everything from scratch. You would think I got hit in the head every time I turned around because I have to look at the recipe like 40 times while I make a rather simple meal. And these ones, everything, they just help so much. Zero stress cooking this. All I do is feel good about it. Right. Beautiful. Well, listen, go to greenchef.com slash papers 60, the number 60, and use code papers 60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Wow. Go to greenchef.com slash papers60. Use code PAPERS60, the number 60,

to get 60% off plus free shipping. Look, it's the number one meal kit for eating well. I love them. All right. Front page. Uh-oh. Extra! Extra! We all love it! uh front page uh-oh a melee love that word yeah it ensued at the philadelphia international airport your favorite i don't like Philadelphia. Go ahead. On January 30th, as a fight broke out between agents from Spirit Airlines and two female passengers, the Daily Mail shared a video from the physical altercation.

I watched this video. It fucking goes on for a while. Between a 36-year-old mother, her 17-year-old daughter, and several agents from Spirit Airlines, year old mother, her 17 year old daughter and several agents from Spirit Airlines. The fight reportedly occurred after the duo was told their carry on bags were too big for the flight and they would have to pay a fee. The teenager allegedly attempted to board the flight without paying the fee anyway. How does that end? How does that end?

Well, I know I'm just going to do it. I'm just not going to get one over on Spirit Airlines. So of the eight, the 24 year old spirit agent blocked her, prompting the fight. So the woman was yelling security. Two female agents are seen punching each other and pulling hair. The two passengers, the two family punch each other, pulling hair. The two passengers, the two family members, punch each other and pulling hair. A little boy, this is the saddest part, is also seen in the video crying

as they brawl. It continued and then the mother's shirt was ripped off and she fought in her bra. Not as sexy as it sounds. At one point, a wig is almost pulled off during the mayhem and another and the mother appeared to have lost her shoes.

His Spirit Airlines, they should be fine for impersonating Southwest. What is happening here? Well, get ready for the Super Bowl. These are your fans on their way. In fairness, that little boy was crying way earlier in the day when he learned they were flying Spirit Airlines. Yeah, right. But somebody, you got to watch this video.

Somebody needs to make a meme with like the Rocky music playing behind it. It's an awesome fight. It was just fists and nails and hair pulling. There were no, like no one was hitting each other with bags because those were extra. Right. And the fight started three hours late. Yeah.

And knowing Spirit Airlines, it was probably a fee for ripping off the agent's wig. That's 50 bucks. Totally betting on the Spirit Airlines employees. All right. Wait, did I tell you about. So when I flew Spirit recently, they announced up top that Wi-Fi was out. And the guy, I was sitting close to the front of the plane,

and the guy goes, oh, they told us all, he told our section, like, to complain because they were bummed about it. Like, these flight attendants want Wi-Fi. Like, it makes their trip go so much faster. They want to be browsing and stuff. Right. But, um, then they're like on the microphone, they go. And for anybody who paid in advance, you know, for wifi, bring that up to us as we're coming around with the beverage service and we'll tell you how to get a refund. So I had done that. So when they get to me, I'm like, yeah, what's the deal with the I prepaid Wi-Fi?

They're like, oh, I swear to God, Google Spirit Airlines Wi-Fi refund. That's really that's what they told everybody to do. Wow. Unbelievable. I didn't need you. I just did that. I just you're the Google. You're you the Google. You should be giving me the answer. I have to say Spirit is better than they were. When they first came out, they were really pathetic. But now they nickel and dime you, but the flights do tend to get there. The ones I've been on have gotten there on time.

I like them in a way. JetBlue just bought them, but none of their seats recline. Right. And if none of them recline, why don't you have them locked in a little bit back? Why do we have to be sitting straight up to die in a crash? Right. I'd like to relax a little if I'm going down. Last Friday, Courtney, is this your story or mine?

This is my story, man. Do it, baby. Miami preschool teacher. I can't read the title. No, we can just go into it. It's about a Miami preschool teacher. Last Friday, Courtney Pelitas was preparing for her daughter's first birthday party when another parent from her child's school sent her photos of at least three students from her daughter's class dressed in blackface. Paulides is one of several parents upset that a school teacher at Studio Kids Little River

location used blackface to teach a lesson about Black History Month. One appears to be dressed as a construction worker while the other is wearing a police uniform. Are they the black village people? You should know better as an educator, Paulides told the Miami Herald, fighting back tears. Paulides, who is black, already removed her children from the preschool. What else are you teaching our children? Well, this is why she was so upset. They made her black son wear blackface.

Yeah, right, right. Wrong move, Florida. What are they going to do on St. Patrick's Day? Just get a little baby keg? Get everybody shit-faced? Memorial Day, they're going to dress one kid as a Vietnam vet, put him in a tiny coffin. When I first read this, I was like,

now that's how you teach Huckleberry Finn. Yeah. You know, the kid has won. It's her first birthday. How young is this preschool? Usually for preschool, you've got to be at least three or four, don't you? And it's not that much blackface. They're really small.

Right? Have you seen kids when they come home from preschool? Most of them have blackface. Yeah. Just because they're so dirty. When my kids came home, I'm like, I just assume they painted blackface on everybody they saw because it was all in their nails and in their fingers. Here's another black story.

Black, Greg, another Black History Month story. Another Black History Month story, yes. A vendor that provides food service to schools apologized for the unintentional insensitivity of its Black History Month menu. Students at Nyack Middle School in New York, which is right across from Terry's, right across Tappan Zee Bridge, were served chicken and waffles with a choice of watermelon for dessert for the first day of Black History Month. The schools. OK, hold on. Hold on. Hold. Stop right there. This is what should have happened. Hey, I'd like to schedule a meeting about a Black History Month menu.

And everyone should have been like, no. Yeah. Like that's as far as it should have gone. Right. Right. Now, do you think, well, let me read on. The school's administrations and its food vendor, Aramark, apologized after students and parents pointed out the racial stereotypes. Aramark said in a statement that that never should have happened and they apologized. Forget the menu. Can we talk about what they made them do during gym class?

What do you mean? I'm not even touching that. I wrote that premise, and then I realized as I'm saying it, I can't go that. I can't go that. I don't even know what it is. I don't know. I'm not sure what it means. But this is one that I wish my public school served chicken and waffles.

Right. Not just in February. Put it in every month. I'd love it. Chicken and waffles. Right. Not just in February. Put it in every month. I'd love it. Chicken and waffles for lunch. Yeah, we used to get the worst fucking school lunches. This Nyack school, though, they're just making every mistake because when they had the press conference and apologized,

they were in blackface. It's like they're trying to be so sensitive. It's like they would have learned. And empathetic. That's not how you're empathized, though, guys. No. A California man found a Ukiah man not guilty. A Northern California jury found a Ukiah man not guilty of driving under the influence

after deciding his actions were justified after he was caught cheating on his wife, which made his driving necessary to allow him to escape two angry women. Thomas Patrick Houston, 60, was charged with a DUI. Defense attorneys argued that Houston's driving under the influence of alcohol was, quote, an act of necessity, thus justified under the law. According to the DA's office, whenever a trial judge allows a necessity defense, I did not know. Go ahead. Is he also using this defense for running over one of the women? Yeah, it works. Well, he was drunk. So that sticks around a little bit just to take care of that part of it. I was unaware. Did you know that there was an out for drunk driving? I did not.

I mean, next time I'm pulled over, I'm just going to not pull over until I get alongside like some woman on the sidewalk. And I'm just going to be like, what's up, you fat bitch? And then she will justifiably attack me. Yes. And that's why. That was the woman. I circled back around to apologize, but it didn't work.

But that's why I'm driving. Yeah, if she takes her shoe off, you're in danger. You got to drive. Do you think that a fat woman would be more offended by being called a fat bitch than a medium-sized woman? Who would get angrier i didn't think about that i just think all women would hate all people who wants to be called fat no no i remember when i was in college the the drunk defense is a classic because when i was

in college i went into the girl's showers there was a girl showering at like one o'clock in the morning and I was shit faced. And I went into the women's showers and I was just talking to her and I got in trouble. And they brought me in. You went into the women's shower, you know, like into the women's bathroom. But like she was behind, you know, she was there was a door over the shower. I couldn't see her. There was another naked woman in front of her. I couldn't see her. Well, it was one in the morning.

And so and I knew the girl. But then the R.A. saw and I got in trouble. And somebody counseled me to say I was drunk, which I said, and they mailed a letter to my house, which my sister intercepted. That was her job. My sister was in high school when I was in college, and I always knew when shit was coming home and she would intercept. But they mailed a letter saying that I was drunk

and that it was the third time I had been caught drunk by the RA and that I needed alcohol counseling. Wow. Yeah. That's better than, uh, counseling on being a predator. Right.

I know. Can you imagine today if I did that, I'd be knocking on doors for the rest of my life. You're like Deidre, intercept the letter and don't don't read it just yeah throw it away yeah put it in dad shredder oh god yeah well i didn't know there was a defense i did not know i mean that's interesting like if you're you know what it's probably like is i i don't know what i don't know what it is. I guess if you're camping

or something someplace where you've been drinking and then you have to flee. I don't know. Like a fire. By the way, I'm going to change my plan. I'm going to pull up to a dude and call him a fat bitch. There you go.

Yeah. That's a lock, man. That guy will start tearing apart my car. And then you have to drink because you're upset. No, I'm already drunk in that plan, and that's who I pull alongside, yeah. Have you ever gotten a DUI? No, sir. They tried.

They tried in New Hampshire when I spent the night in jail, but they didn't have, they're like the woman at the desk. I know I've told the story, so I won't tell it now, but the woman goes, uh, she's doing the, you know, uh, paperwork and she's like, uh, and she gets to a part and she's like, uh, blow in my face. I'm like, what? And, and I am drunk. And she's like, blow in my face. I'm like, what do you mean? And she's like, just blow it. And I'm like what and and I am drunk and she's like blow in my face I'm like what do you mean and she's like just blow it I'm like and then she goes yup under the influence I'm like that's not how that works yeah that is not I go I want a mat what do you call him a manager your superior

whatever it is get him out here now and one of the cars that was out had the breathalyzer, I guess. This was, keep in mind, in the 80s. And I don't think there was a blood test at all in this New Hampshire station. So I told the guy that has to be crossed out right now. I demand to take a breathalyzer. I am not drunk. And they didn't have one. So it got crossed out. Nice. Yeah. I once got pulled over. We were in Tarrytown, and it was this one crazy summer where my friend Tio,

which is really Theo, but he's from Ireland, so we said Tio. So he's a Mexican uncle? And then my other friend Henning, who is from Denmark, they were both with us, and we were at a bar me and my brother sneaky pete cars and then these two foreign guys and so we leave the bar and my brother of course is lagging behind and which he always is and so we get into the car it's my mother's car it's a caprice classic and we start driving away and my and we're shit-faced and my brother i'm probably like 17 or 18 and my brother starts chasing the car so i'm driving the car just fast enough that he can't quite reach the car and we're going down the main drag in north

harrytown where all the bars are. And he's running and we're screaming and we got fucking Led Zeppelin cranked out of the stereo and we literally go past the North Tarrytown Police Department. And a cop car just turns on his lights and my brother at this point is on the back trunk.

He's made his way onto the back trunk. And he pulls the car over and he says now who's in the car? And what's your name? Tio. Where are you from? Ireland. And what's your name?

Henny. Where are you from? Denmark. And who's the guy on the trunk? That's my brother. And the guy literally says to me, he could smell alcohol in my breath. This is 1983. He goes, just drive directly home.

Don't go to any more bars. That was it. That was my DUI. Just drive directly home. You're like, wait, officer, you haven't even met Sneaky Pete. Imagine telling an officer, what's your name? Sneaky Pete? Wrong person to use the word sneaky with.

All right, let's do some good news for Gubbins. Sure thing. Well, all kinds of comments about Gubbins. These are just a couple of letters. Luke is saying that we need to kind of like introduce him more because sometimes people tune in and they don't know whether this – I'm referring to somebody who's famous. We need to mention that we have a man-child friend, Dennis Gubbins.

On the other hand, Barry J. Crowe says, I would like to add my voice to what appears to be a growing anti-Gubbins chorus. I think I have heard every episode of the show and have yet to identify a segment, preceded, punctuated, or including the name Gubbins, that has been either interesting or entertaining. In the early days of the show, I assumed it was some inside joke between you two, and now, almost three years in, I can say for my money, it hasn't evolved beyond that. Don't get me wrong.

I love the show, and I'm sure that I don't speak for all listeners. But does Gubbin's business shrug? That sounded like more than a shrug. Yeah. That was Barry. All right. You know, Barry has a point. You know who hates Good News for Gubbins the most? Gubbins. Does he? Well, he'd like to be on or he doesn't want us talking about him. Well, he just asked me to be his first guest. he's going to start his own podcast. Oh, really?

He's called the Saturday Evening Papers. It's going to beat us to everything. Just try to put us out of business. Yeah. He's only going to raise money for golf equipment. That's the whole MO of the podcast. This week in another in another episode of what did I get stolen this week? I need an air fryer. Yeah.

Well, you know what it is? It's a little like and I am not comparing the two in terms of quality or how funny they are in terms of constructs. But it's a little like our Kramer, you know, like Larry, Larry David had this complete character in his life and he couldn't create a TV show without including him somehow, you know? Yeah. And Gubbins really is a character on that level. Now we don't do, uh, we don't do it justice. And so Barry has a point. Well, I posted a picture, we played golf yesterday and I posted a picture of us. It was the Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbons, Gibbon and Gubbins foursome. And I posted the photo and we got a ton of comments of people that were surprised that in different ways were surprised by what Gubbins looked like. Did anyone green screen us, like, like you know cut us out and photoshop us in front

of the capital riots no that's next that's what we look like all right let's get to entertainment a lot of listeners probably don't know but we're white All right, yeah, I saw this story. AMC. AMC. You'll soon be able to choose to save or splurge on movie tickets at theaters operated by AMC Entertainment, the largest movie theater chain. We'll start selling tickets at different prices

depending on where the seat is located. The approach called Sightline at AMC. What fucking corporate douchebag, what copywriter in what meeting pitched that idea? What about Sightline at AMC, boss? Former employee of Spirit Airlines,

no doubt. Price's seat. So, quote, with Sightline at AMC, moviegoers now have the option to pay less or more for a movie ticket based on their seat selection. Yeah. Here's the thing. They're not charging you less. They are taking what you're paying right now. And those are going to be the worst seats. And they're going to upcharge for the good seats. There's going to be no cheaper seats than what you're paying right now. I guarantee that.

It's an airline. All right, here's the pitch. I know that the pandemic, people are not going to movie theaters anymore. Let's make the experience insulting and unfair now. Yeah. Nobody's going to movies. Here's my question. During a shit movie like Coda or Bohemian Rhapsody, can I downgrade and pay less for a seat that faces the back

or maybe the seats in the bathroom? I'd do that. That's true. During a movie, if I, during any of those movies, if I was offered a worse seat, I would have taken it. I don't want to see that. I think that the movie should also be priced according to its uh rotten tomatoes ratings oh wow if it's below 50 it's half off that's a good one when

there's like a notoriously bad movie and you're going to see it ironically like cats yeah that would be cheap thrill that would be fun right i did see cats in a theater because uh cordon i was working with cordon at the time and he was in it and in the lobby we saw i saw it at the grove right in the shadow actually of cbs here and uh and there was commotion in the lobby and i didn't know what it was about, but a lot, it was like people were coming to the Rocky Horror Picture Show and it was, it was a late screening. And I have to say it was really funny.

The whole audience bonded and were yelling out jokes and screaming because the movie was so bombastic. It was really fun actually. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I remember going to Rocky four, even that same mentality.

Cause it had become a joke of a franchise by Rocky four. If I'm remembering correctly, I know there are a lot of Rocky nerds and all this and people like quote it or there'll be like, Oh, that's like the Russian guy or whatever. But Rocky two wasn't bad do i have that right rocky 2 is great i never saw creed by the way no i heard creed was good

but rocky 4 we were in boston and i went with pete scott and dudley and somebody else and uh we went to the theater and i remember because p had, remember that old car that he had? He had like an old mobile or something. It was a long ass car. Wait, where was this? In Boston. Well, no, we all owned, oh yeah, you weren't part of that.

Ophelia, it was a Pontiac. Is that what it was? Yeah. It said Doke on the license plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a Doke mobile. Yep. And so we drive it to the movie. It said Doke on the license plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Doke mobile. Yep. And so we drive it to the movie theater, and it died halfway to the theater.

Right. And Pete fucking just took the plates off. He just left it on the street. He was done. And then we went to the movie, and that was the movie where he's fighting the Russian guy, and the Russian guy is on steroids. And there's a guy, and it was literally, we just had, we had a bottle of rum,

and then we bought Cokes, and we just made drinks, and we got drunk, and there's a guy sitting behind us. And he was so into it. He was like, there was no, there was a blurring of reality between this being a movie and a real thing for this man. And he's screaming at the screen because the Russian guy had a bad heart

because of the Ivan Drago. Right. Because of the steroids. And the guy was screaming, hit him in the hot rock! Hit him in the hot! Didn't he fight a guy with AIDS? Like the boxer

Yeah Tommy No not Tommy Gunn What was the guy's real name? It was Tommy Gunn? Wow No I remember it being some Wait how do you box a guy with AIDS? No the actor had AIDS

No shit I don't think he had it at the time of filming that Oh But he was a guy with AIDS? No, the actor had AIDS. No shit. I don't think he had it at the time of filming that. Oh. But he was a partier. Okay. Tommy Morrison. Is the boxer. Okay. Damn.

Yeah. Alright, we're reading. Chris writing it in there. Yeah. Alright, let's make Florida great. Let's make America Florida. We're going to make America Florida, y'all. Okay. Ellen Gilland, 76, told officers

that her 77-year-old husband, Jerry Gilland, had been ill for some time. The Galland's plan had been in the works for weeks. Ellen would fatally shoot her terminally ill husband, Jerry, and then kill herself. But after shooting him in the head in an 11th-floor hospital room, she couldn't carry out with the rest of it.

Instead, still armed, Ellen was in a four-hour standoff with the police until the officers were able to use a non-lethal explosive to distract and take her into custody. Here's my question. Did Jerry know about this plan, Ellen? Yeah. I think this is, I think pact, you realize pact means an agreement. I think you only had this suicide plan, not a pact. That's my guess.

Right. It's like a cocoon meets dog day afternoon. I love it. I think, I mean, that's a, if somebody did not buy the rights to this, I mean, a standoff with a 76 year old woman. And I think maybe she killed him.

And then she was like, wow, being single is fucking great. I love this. I don't want to kill myself anymore. I got something to live for. Wait. Now the will has everything that goes to me before our kids now.

I got all of it. Yeah. I'm rich. I'm single. Keep in mind, she had the will. I didn't put this part in the story. I cut it down a little bit. He wasn't strong enough to shoot himself.

And so this is, this is actually real in the story. So she, uh, he held the gun and she moved his arm and aimed it at his head and pulled the trigger. And so, uh, she goes through all of that, which is pretty brutal. And two seconds later, she's like, I couldn't possibly pull the trigger. Yeah. Murder, suicide. That is an interesting period of time between murder and the suicide. There's a lot that goes through your head. You've just had a very traumatic experience. lot that goes through your head. You've just had a very traumatic experience. Yeah. Uh, Jeselnik has funny material on murder suicide, which is his favorite kind of suicide as he says. Um, but it turns out murder suicide, uh, often it seems murder is the easier part.

Yeah. That's, that's the case here too. All right. We have another Florida story. Um, and this Florida man is a guy by the name of Ron DeSantis and Ron DeSantis, uh, his policies now have resulted in a book about late Afro Puerto Rican MLB legend, Roberto Clemente. Puerto Rican MLB legend Roberto Clemente. Amazing player. One of the greatest players of all time. His book cannot be found on the shelves of public school libraries in Florida's Duval County these days because it has a couple of passages about the racism he faced during his career, which was mostly from sports writers, as he recounted.

Roberto Clemente, Pride of the Pittsburgh Pirates, that's the name of the book, and other books about Latino figures such as Celia Cruz, the Cuban salsa singer, and Justice Sonia Sotomayor are among the more than one million titles that have been, quote, covered or stored and paused for student use. That's the phrase at Duval County Public Schools. Clemente, a little background, died in 72 when his plane crashed off the coast of Puerto Rico. I mean, can the guy get any better than this? As he was delivering relief supplies to earthquake victims in Nicaragua. He was 38. His humanitarian efforts are perhaps his greatest legacy. In addition to his Hall of Fame baseball career, just briefly, he had 3,000

hits, four National League batting titles, 12 gold gloves, MVP award, two World Series championships, and 15 all-star appearances. Anyway, the book's pending review, and Florida is not commenting on it. Huh. Yeah. I think DeSantis said they are going to get rid of Huck Finn as well, except for the parts where they call Jim the N-word. Also, interestingly, and also in Florida,

all books about Harriet Tubman uh they have to change Underground Railroad just to Railroad also the railroad has to change direction it goes from the north to the south which is preposterous. That is preposterous. In fairness, though, I bet the books that I just listed about those three figures will go back on the shelves as if kids are reading or even know where the library is. But it's crazy that you can even entertain banning those books. It's just lunacy. banning those books. It's just lunacy. Hey, side note, I took a little bit of a deep dive reading about him and everything,

and I came upon, one of the articles had this. For the first time since 1950, the World Series did not have a single U.S.-born black player. What? The last World Series, did not have a single U.S. born black player. What? The last World Series,

not one American black guy was in it. No shit. How crazy is that? Whoa. They were talking about how, what did they phrase it up top when I read it? A Afro. Well, he was an Afro-Puerto Rican, but that there are a lot of Afro-Latina. I don't know how.

Afro-Cubans. Now I'm in over my head. I'm in way over my head. But. What do you think they attribute that to? Are black kids in America not playing baseball? Well, the article, I think, if I don't have it in front of me, I think they were saying that there are far less development programs.

There's far less in poor communities in the U.S. Field space. Yeah. There's yeah. And there's far less programs, not only in the city, but even part of the poor schools and stuff like that. Damn. Yeah.

That's amazing. Huh. All right, let's get this. Speaking of sports. Oh. Oh. Okay. Speaking of sports.

Yep, let's do it. Super Bowl Sunday. It's today, folks. I don't know when you're listening to the podcast, but the Kansas City Chiefs will face the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl 46. Go Chiefs. I just made up 46, by the way. I don't know what number it is.

What? Oh, which Super Bowl? Yeah. I just made up 46, by the way. I don't know what number it is. What? Oh, which Super Bowl? Yeah. I have no idea. I do know one thing. There are going to be some black guys born in America in that Super Bowl. Yeah. I know that.

I think that it's exciting because you're setting the stage for a hero story of Mahomes coming in injured and doing what he's capable of doing and winning that game. Because he's the guy that wins the Super Bowl for you. That's it. That's the bottom line. That's why I'm putting my – are we betting, by the way? I don't think so because you're not going to bet for the Eagles. Why?

You will only – we can do an Eagles. Why? You will only. Oh, we can do an over under. You want the over or the under? I'll take the. I don't even know what it is. And I'll take the under. Of course. You're going to take the under.

Yeah. I'm going to take the over because I think it's going to go to overtime. Wow. It is like, what is it? Two points or something? A point and a half? A point and a half. That's great.

Hopefully it stays true to this even playing field that they're predicting. How much do you want to bet? I don't know. My new thing is to lose a lot of money in golf, so I don't know. 50 bucks? You're the one who just paid me a lot of money. You name it. I just paid you 550 on that fucking Buccaneers bet.

You want to try to get 50 of it back? 50 bucks. Let's do that. Nice. So Tom O'Neill said he was going to go. Our little local public golf course, the Nineholer, is having a Super Bowl party where you have to make a reservation or some bullshit. And I was really interested in going because Tom was going to bring some other Philadelphia flunkies, and I just want to see them suffer.

I do. So it looks like the over-under is 51. That's fucking high. Yeah, these two are scoring machines. Yeah, but they also both have good defenses. But by the way, if it smells high, it might come down a little. We'll do whatever it is at game time.

I'm sitting on my couch and watching it. I don't need to be around people. I watch football all year. I don't need some guy going like, what's the first dance? Shut the fuck up. And in that story I made the woman a guy just. I don't need I don't need some guy going like, what's the first dance? Shut the fuck up. And in that story, I made the woman a guy just so I didn't seem sexist. It might be me. LeBron James breaks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's NBA scoring record. We don't have jokes, but we felt we'd be remiss if this wasn't in the sports section.

And then Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wrote something nice. And then when I looked into it, oh, here's from Kareem, a bottom line about LeBron and me, LeBron makes me love the game again. And he makes me proud to be part of an ever widening group of athletes who actively care about their community. I think the main reason that I never formed a bond with LeBron, again, entirely my fault, is simply our age difference. I established my scoring record in 1984, the year LeBron was born. That disconnect is on me. Interesting. Why is the disconnect on him?

Because he was born too early? Wasn't LeBron born too late? Yeah. on him because he was born too early wasn't lebron born too late yeah it sounds like he's oh chris is writing in that he said he didn't actively reach out enough interesting you know kareem is a difficult person or or has that reputation for sure, and maybe both. And he's starting to be more magnanimous. He's a very well-respected writer. Did you see the episode he was in on Lil Dicky, on Dave, the TV show Dave?

Yeah. And he was playing himself as writing, and he was writing an article about this white rapper who was co-opting, you know, the black culture. So anyway, and that's the type of stuff he writes a lot about. And then he was also an airplane. Oh, I know. He was one of the pilots. They showed that in the in the series on the Lakers. And, you know, he played a dick, obviously. Didn't he choke a kid or something, like grab the kid's shirt?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And get angry? Yeah, the kid was saying, my dad says you don't cover both sides of the court. He's like, kid, you know what it's like to run for 60 minutes? Yeah, with Will Chamberlain. But the movie then showed he was kind of a dick to the kid behind the scenes also of making airplane. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but I like Kareem. Yeah. I got a letter for, for, yeah. Go ahead. Well, I was saying, uh,

and whatever, I have to check my privilege and, and how much it affects me and actually how clueless I am about any opinions I have on this. But I always, when I see, like when I saw that Lakers, uh, movie, which I thought was very good, you know, they were showing the climate and how these guys were being so used also to make rich white guys, tons of money. And, and, and, and the shit that was going on right outside these stadiums that they were playing in. And, uh,

I don't, you know, magic, magic had this ability to just have a goddamn smile on his face and God bless him. I don't think I'd have that in a weird way. I grew up not liking Kareem because he seemed negative to me. And I think I would have been in a weird way. I grew up not liking Kareem because he seemed negative to me. And I think I would have been the exact same way.

Yeah, sure. Total. I'm relating way more to Kareem now and people who couldn't just throw on a face for Showtime because serious, serious shit and injustices were all around you, you know? Well, and also you're Muslim now, right? Yeah. I mean, I guess I'm Muslim now. You're right. Shout out to my cousin.

Good luck criticizing me, podcast listeners. I'm Muslim. Danny McCarthy, my cousin, came in third last week at Pebble Beach, the Pro-Am. He is doing very well on the tour this year. He was in first place at one point, so keep an eye on him. And then I got a note from a guy named JJ who says, in regards to your ongoing bet with Mike, you said Tom Brady sucked this year. He actually completed more passes, had more

yards, had less interceptions this year than the year he won the Super Bowl with the Bucs. All his good receivers were gone. Your ire should not be placed on Brady for sucking. He was better than at least 25 other QBs in the league. His team just sucked and he couldn't will them to something they weren't capable of. And, you you know i kind of researched that a little bit and the truth is yeah there was some statistics that were bad for last year like his um number of yards per pass was was the lowest in his career uh fewest touched fewest touchdowns in a season of any of any but his qb rating was decent it was like 90 something um he really did have good numbers he did he did not throw a lot of interceptions um the team really did just suck so uh i yeah i can't put it all on brady it's a good

point jj and i hear you thank you this is also why it's a good point, JJ. And I hear you. Thank you. This is also why it's a good point. I am switching my identity. I no longer want to be a black Muslim in the 1970s. I want to be Tom Brady in the 2020s. Dating social influencers. It seems easier, if I may say so, as a former black Muslim. It seems like an easier walk of life. And I don't know why Brady doesn't have a smile on all the fucking time. Right. Because that's what I would be doing, smiling all the way to my PPP loan-filled bank. Yeah, and when you cut that check to your ex-wife

for a billion dollars or a hundred million? I don't think so. Yeah, who gets money in that relationship how did that how did that divorce work out i think those were two giant corporations and they had a contract yeah right but whatever you're paying her you do it with a big smile because there's a lot left over yeah um so you're trading in your bow tie for a Tampa Bay jersey? For a backwards baseball

cap because I'm a fucking hollow bro now? Yes, I am. Let's go international. Prince Harry is hoping the chatter about his virginity loss won't continue for much longer. Wait, I've missed some of this. So is this after he killed the soldiers, he'd fuck them? I didn't read the book.

It's what you do when you're royal. That's how you recharge the royal blood. You fuck dead corpses that you murder. Right. So apparently he lost contact with the woman he wrote about after he lost his virginity to her. He said that wasn't due to any ill feeling or excessive awkwardness, at least the way Harry sees it. They were just busy doing their own thing and lost touch, as people tend to do at that age. Yeah, they fell out of touch since the woman was put down shortly after the incident by palace guards. The Invictus Games founder told the show, told the story of his first time in his memoir, Spare.

Without naming names, he referred to the night he lost his virginity as an inglorious episode with an older woman. She liked horses quite a lot and treated me unlike a young stallion. Quick ride after which she smacked my rump

and sent me to grace. Would it have been not unlike a young stallion? That makes more sense. after which she smacked my rump and sent me to grace, to graze. Would it have been not unlike a young stallion? Yeah. That makes more sense. Okay. And among the many things about it that were wrong, it happened in a grassy field behind a busy pub. You know, where horses are grazing.

I think when you take a prince's virginity, 11 infidels fly planes into the World Trade Center. Did you hear that? It might. Again, I didn't read the book, and I didn't read the fine print on the virginity of princes, but probably. Yeah.

I still can't believe that the Queen is dead. It feels like just yesterday that I couldn't believe the Queen was alive. Right. I'm going to watch The Crown. I've never watched it. It's great. I heard it's great. It's great.

And not just the first season is off the charts, but it stays good. They recast it. I'm not a big fan of good shows recasting, but they do. And it stays good. And I know this is the stupidest question ever. Was it always about her or didn't seasons change focus like it would like, isn't like Diana the focus of this last one? Yes. So it'll continue, right? I mean, I guess, what are they up to?

I would guess that they're. They're up to King James, LeBron. That's what they're up to. They're up to King James. Okay. Yeah. I can't remember how this last season ended. I think it ends with her dying. So no, no, no. Yeah, I think so. Greg, Greg, it was already, it was made before she died. Did

they predict her dying? I don't know what I'm talking about. I shouldn't say that. Oh no, no. I thought you were talking about the queen. Oh, no, no. I thought you were talking about the queen. No, no, no. I think it ended with Lady Di dying. Oh, oh. Jesus. Spoiler. What the fuck?

Well, she dies. It happens. I didn't know that. They get followed by photographers and they die. It's just... You've read the fairy tale books. There's a lot of theories that she's still alive, so you just ruined that for me. Okay.

Now, a... is that she's still alive. So you just ruined that for me. Okay. Now, a... Here's the amazing thing about this story you're about to read, which I think we did this story when it came out.

Really? Yeah. Okay, then let's skip it. Because why would I know? This is a court in southwest China sentenced a man to 12 years in prison for killing his teenage son with a sword last year. He stabbed his son, who was 13, while the guy was losing his temper over the boy's poor grades.

Yeah, I think we did this story. It's pretty sad. Since when do we not do a story multiple times? I know. Look who I'm talking to. Do you have a good joke in there that you want to do? No, I don't have to do it. Let's go down to science and technology.

And help. Yeah. Here's another story I don't have jokes on, but I liked the story. The headline was- You have ADD, and you always say when we start the podcast, I think I'll take my riddle in now. Meanwhile, you get the script and then you read, I guess, half of it and then you just stop writing jokes about halfway through. Sometimes I like to be in the moment, but I have no excuse because I put this story in. Moment of silence. I have no excuse because I put this story in.

Moment of silence. Celebs tout ice baths, but science on the benefits are lukewarm. Okay, so here it goes to each sort of benefit category. So one is the mind. Czech researchers found that cold water plunging can increase blood concentrations of dopamine, another so-called happy hormone made in the brain, by 250%. So that sounds great. Next sentence. High amounts have been linked with paranoia and aggression.

And podcasting. And podcasting. Okay, the heart. Cold water immersion raises blood pressure and increases stress on the heart. But for people with heart trouble, it can lead to life-threatening irregular heartbeats. And it says, please consult a doctor if even your family has heart disease before you plunge into a cold thing. Metabolism. Cold water immersion also activates brown fat, the tissue that helps keep the body warm and helps it control blood sugar

and insulin levels. It also helps the body burn calories, which has prompted research into whether cold water immersion is an effective way to lose weight, but the jury is still out on that. I bet that one's true. Well, this tour, this Burt tour, he's already told me that we get up every morning at like 7 o'clock and we do cold water plunges. I guess he's like arranged for places along the tour. Like on his tours, he does all this pre-planning where you play Frisbee golf and you do cold water plunges.

He's amazing. You work out at the gym at the, at each arena, you shower in the arena and it's fucking, it's going to be crazy. I, uh, I'm using the word very thoughtfully.

He's amazing. I'm amazed at how nonstop he is. He's amazing. I'm amazed at how nonstop he is. I'm amazed at how he only has like a fifth gear and he's just going all the time. I'm a little like intimidated. I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep up on this fucking tour. And you're going to be the only one who's not hung over. And I bet your ass will be dragging the most. Yep. Yep. You know that we should talk about the bird. I mean, funny things on the broadcast. First of all, he starts cooking and you go, uh, did dude, did you even wash your hands? And he goes, and he goes, he's like, yeah, I just showered. And so I'm like,

so you mean you just touched every part of your body with your hands? Yeah. Yeah. You watch your ass for like 10 minutes. Yeah. But another part of it was, uh, wait, what were we just talking about? There was another part.

Yeah. Oh no. That I shared with him. Yeah. First of all, he was like, ah, and he was really crestfallen.

And he goes, he just exhales. And he goes, you guys don't drink. Right. And it was mid he just exhales and he goes, you guys don't drink. Right. And it was midday. And, and he has another podcast after ours. And I was like, no, I drink. And he, he goes, looked at me like a kid at Christmas, like, wait, you'll, you'll have a cocktail right now. And I was like, of course he was so excited. You'll see all this. You'll see all this whenever the episode airs. And then I

told him your plan to come out of sobriety. And I don't think I've ever seen him that excited about anything. I've decided and I decided this maybe 10 years ago that at age 65, I will begin drinking. I will have a highball at five o'clock, wine at dinner, and maybe a drink after dinner. And he wants, he already says he's going to make plans to be there that night. And we're going to have a giant party of the night I lose my sobriety. He wants to get other guys who have been sober also. And, uh, but, but, but I, I told him like, and I told you, you should send out a save the date, even though it's 10 years away. Yeah. Right. I'm there. I'm right by your side. Here's the funny thing. You're going to find drinking is not nearly as fun as you remember it.

Well, really. As you remember the fun parts. Yeah. No, what happens is. Yeah. I mean, it can be. But that's the thing. At our i mean it can be but that's the thing at our age it can be fun and sometimes it's just tiring or it's agitating in some way like you just can't get it going you know what i mean yeah that used to be zero zero problem it didn't matter if you were hung over if you had too many distractions exhausted whatever it was three or four and you were hungover, if you had too many distractions, exhausted, whatever it was, three or four in, you were off to the races. Yeah. I think I'm going to drink single malt scotch and I'm going to try some of those IPAs because I've never tasted either of those things.

They don't make a pussy IPA? They do. Yeah, they do. They have a non-alcoholic IPA and it's really good. They're terrible. All hoppy and shit. No, this is kind of honey. This has like a honey taste to it.

Oh, all right. All right, let's cut down. You know my dumb bit. They should call the non-A, they should call it alcoholic beer, because that's who drinks it. It's so stupid to call it non-alcoholic beer. Yeah. I'm done. All right, let's get to letters to the editor. Oh. This is from Ryan from Chicago. On your last show, Mike wondered aloud if there have been multiple Punxsutawney fills over the years.

According to the FAQs on groundhog.org, there has only been one fail since 1886. But sites other than groundhog.org state groundhogs can live up to 14 years. So we estimate there's been 9 to 10 since the first one. I think there's probably more because it's 14 years in captivity. That's how long

they live. But when you have fat white guys grabbing you by the neck and holding you up to the media every year, I think it's a shorter lifespan. There have been 11 popes over that same period of time. Just a quick second to shit on Greg, who is probably already taking a ton of shit for this rage against the machine and nine inch nails. Yes, deservedly so. Greg balked at Missy Elliott's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but made no such objections over a tribe called Quest. Curious. By the way,

Aretha Franklin was inducted in 1987 and Whitney Houston in 2020. Both legends, but I don't think either of them as rock and roll. Yeah. Okay. I guess the gates are open. Everybody can come in. Well, I mean, clearly Aretha deserves to be in there more than Whitney Houston. And I'm just basing that on music styles. Blues, there's a home for blues in rock and roll. And when you have that blues gospel mix, and some of Franklin's tunes were fantastic. Yeah. Rock steady. So I feel like Tribe Called Quest feels more rock than Missy Elliott. But that's just me. Missy Elliott's pretty hard. I love her.

She's pretty hard music. I don't know. It all gets. Listen, it all gets really blurry. I mean, now with hip hop, you know what I mean? really blurry. I mean, now with hip hop, you know what I mean? Um, Andy says when Gibbons started talking about Gary Marshall's acting chops in lost in America,

my mind immediately jumped to this, his incredible performance in Louie season three, playing the head of CBS. Louie is absolutely packed. That's right. Performances, including you and Todd Barry's great scene. Nice work.

Thank you very much. But Gary Marshall's always really stuck with me, and he was 78 at the time. Yeah. Also, you know, what's his name from Blue Velvet? David Lynch? Yeah, he was great. Yeah.

He's like, you come out, you look down the barrel of the camera, and you say welcome. You take it in. You take the applause in. It's a really interesting. I love Lynch. Yeah.

Do you ever listen to his? He does a weather report every morning for Los Angeles. Really? Yes. It's great. Maybe we could queue one up right now. They're pretty short because there's not a lot of weather to talk about in Los Angeles. And maybe that's part of it.

But he's very positive. He usually mentions like a song of the day. You know, he's a gigantic meditator. Yeah, he's into TM. And he's actually gotten programs going in inner city schools where they teach kids TM. They do it every morning. And they're showing crazy improvements in grades, attentiveness, all kinds of indicators. The school that your kids was affiliated with,

I believe, wasn't it John Adams? Yeah. They have what they call a mindfulness program. But anyway, Lynch funded, I think it might even be his. And I went there. It was expensive to go for a weekend to learn transcendental meditation. It clearly has not worked with me because I don't practice it. But my theory was if I'm so cheap that if I spent that much money, I think it was 900 bucks that I couldn't possibly not do it. And that, that did work for like two years. And right now I'm going to promise you check with me next week. I am meditating this week because I have never been this AD and ADD, AD, AD, ND. I will take the challenge and I'm going to meditate every day this week as well. Oh, wait. You said every day?

Uh-oh. I was pretty good when I was getting ready for my special. I was meditating every day. This is how I know I need it. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid it'll be a circus and very much a failure. So that's when you know you need to do it the most. You can change your mindset about that.

If you can trick yourself into looking forward to it. I look at it as I'm so sick of these same thoughts racing around my head over and over again. I get to sit down and take a break from that. That's what gets me to sit down and do it. Have you seen all this self-help stuff where let's say, let's say it's like starting work, right. Or something you don't want to do. It could even be like anything, laundry, any, any task, any chore that you can artificially release serotonin or something like that. But you can go through like motions. And a guy I saw, I think on Instagram or Tik TOK or whatever was

like, you, you do it like, yes, I'm set. Like you literally, and the whole premise is you're fooling yourself. Yeah. And it's like, I don't, you know, my, I used to have a kind of like a dumb joke just with myself. That was whatever i set out like i am gonna fucking work out today i'm gonna go i'm gonna do it or i am gonna work on this screenplay till 3 p.m or whatever and then it's like am i really so weak that i can't out negotiate myself yeah i can get out of that deal right right right right, right. Yeah, but the physicalizing, it really does do something. And me and Marilyn Rice Cobb always do a thing in the back hallway at the comedy store where I forget what she calls it. But like you put your arms up in the air like this. Yeah. Warrior pose.

Yeah. And it really does inform you, informs your confidence before you walk on. I guess you can hack your body and your body has no choice. Like if you're like whooping it up and raising your hands above your head and stuff. But I guess I can try it. I don't know, though. I think with me, I'll just feel like an idiot, which will make it worse. Matt asks, Hi, Greg, I love you. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Mike ever spoke about the results of his facial scar surgery. I'd be interested in knowing if they finally can do something about those. That's interesting. That's from Matt.

You know what? It kind of worked. So listen, I had horrible skin my whole life and I still haven't really done anything about it. But this last one, I'll keep it brief. On my cheeks, I got rosacea and disgusting word. It's a beautiful word. I love rosacea. under my skin. And then they'd be there for a fucking while and it was terrible. And then what happens is that now has formed a space under your skin that cyst. Anyway, the, but the premise is on your cheeks, you can't do it. The guy told me on other parts of your face, I don't believe they can go in and do a thing called subscission. And this is for anyone that has indentations from scarring. And just, I guess, Google it.

I could talk about it for a while, but they went in with a razor blade under your skin. It takes an hour. It's outpatient surgery. And they basically go back and forth like a weed whacker underneath your skin and cut scar tissue, which is pulling that down. And all scars, no matter what, even from surgery, you will tether to your skin. Like that's why they massage it and they try to break it free of that. So anyway. Wait, so they made an incision in your cheek and then went underneath the incision? So what they do is it's pretty brutal. You have to just pretend you don't know what they're doing, but they numb your face

so you don't feel it. But then a guy, and he doesn't let you see it, but it's a needle and the needle at the very end of the needle is flattened. So it's a blade on both sides, right? It's sick. Like, like it's probably like some farm tool that I can't recall right now, but so the needle goes in and once it's in, these guys are aggressive, man. Like my face was being moved. My face was really fucked up for about, uh, five days, six days. I had pretty bad bruising. Um, and that's it. And they, they don't really use filler anymore. They find that doesn't work and it clumps and all that. And it's just cutting. I've been talking about this too long, but it kind of worked on me. It's better. It's not flawless at all. And

so ask your guy, I mean, and Google it. I don't know, Matt, if it's really old scars, if it would work. But I think most, this is the last thing I'll say, most dermatologists, and this is why I pulled the trigger, they listed their most effective things to treat acne scarring. And very recently, the consensus has moved to subcision being number one over over injections over laser over um abrasion over needles um subcision is in the number one spot and the others can help awesome not really all. Let's get down to... And that's all, folks. Where are we?

Obituary. We got a few obituaries this week. Oh, no. And I'm talking about little pockmarks. I know. Bert Bacharach died. Oh, boy. Bacharach.

Bacharach. Bacharach. I love playing Bacharach died. Oh, boy. Bacharach. Bacharach. Bacharach. I love playing Bacharach. He was 94 years old, which is a nice time to die. His songs, many of them written with lyricist Hal David, and a lot of them with vocalist Dionne Warwick. He had a better lyricist than Elton John. That's what I'm going to say about that. Damn sure.

He collected six Grammys as a writer, arranger, and performer. That's it? From 1960, I know, 1967 to 2005. His movie was in a lot of movies. I think he won some Academy Awards. Chris, which- Butch Cassany and sundance kid arthur which mike michael myers um uh movie was it the second one he was great and elvis costello was in it uh elvis costello did a i think he did a couple of albums with burt backer rock and uh they were they were great uh the guy the guy was a genius he wrote really simple

songs then that guy tagged angie dickinson man did he oh i think so i think so shit uh a song about that he probably did but dion warwick sang so many of his song you know i think somebody that we know you know his most famous one anyway uh burt baggaret but we played we played golf yesterday with uh chris cheney who's a very famous rock bass player. He's the Jane's Addiction bass player. Anyway, he was like singing his songs all day. He said Burt Bacharach was like his biggest influence. And he's a heavy metal guy. Also, Harry Whittington died. He was the lawyer who made headlines in 2006 when he was accidentally shot by vice president dick cheney while on a hunting trip he died in his home in austin texas of complications from a fall at the age of 95 so he he survived a gunshot to the face from the vice vice president uh this guy with he was a lawyer who represented Charles M. Schultz. Yeah, he's a good old

boy. Here's the best part of that story, because I was in late night and I wrote a ton of jokes about this when it happened. Not a joke. Sadly, this is true. He apologized to Dick Cheney. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. What in the fuck? Yeah. Back to Burt for one second. I just looked at Burt Bacharach, that is.

He was in the Austin Powers movies. And as it turns out, his role in those movies was more than just a short clip. His song, The Look of Love, sparked the idea of the whole Austin Powers franchise in Mike Myers as he was driving home from hockey practice. Wow. So that song came on

and I guess he was like, why hasn't someone done a comedy with this mood in that space? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Another guy close to the show, Chris Brown, the cartoonist behind the Hager the Horrible comic strip

and son of Hager's creator, Dick Brown. Dick Brown. Sounds gay. Guys, until you know what. Comics beat brings word of his death, revealing he died following a long illness at age 70 oh that's too young uh he took over after his brother and his brother after his father and his brother chance was the cartoonist uh worked on it from 1989 to 2023 whoa over half of the

character's entire lifespan uh hager actually celebrated its 50th publishing anniversary earlier this week on February 4th. He did a lot better than the son of the family circus bullshit. So besides drawing Hager, Chris drew and illustrated children's books, which also dealt heavily with rape. and illustrated children's books, which also dealt heavily with rape. Well, maybe all the characters were products of rape. Yeah. That's the tie-in. And you know what's crazy?

And you can look at Hager from, let's go right into the comics. Oh. All right, so if you look at this first one, Hager looks different now. There's somebody new doing it. Doesn't he look at his beard? It's much wider than it used to be. No, he's he's rounder in general. He looks more menacing. Looks more menacing. He looks younger. Yeah. And so he's sitting at the table with his daughter, who's not as hot. So he's sitting at the table with his daughter, who's not as hot. And and she's wearing like a metal platelet and like a vest with boobs cut out of it.

She goes, why can't I go on a raid? I'm as tough as any warrior. And Hager goes, because girls don't go on raids. That's why. And she says, Mama, dad won't take me on a raid. Dad hates me. And then he says, oh, stop crying, dear. You'll get your dress all rusty. First of all.

That's the joke. He went with that. It's a she's wearing a armor. She's wearing armor. Yeah. Sexy armor. No mention of she'd have to have a strap on for their raids. Right.

How's she going to rape anybody with a vagina? We don't need just pillagers, honey. Yeah. We need rapers also. And what if the guys get confused? Rapists? Yeah, why is it rapists? What about rapers?

Anyway, go ahead. I'll look into that this week. All right. When I'm not meditating. All right. Let's get to the Lockhorns. Leroy and Loretta are eating what appears to be some soup. And he says the salt needs more soup.

It's okay. It's really short. I do appreciate that. But that's an old... I wonder when that was written. Yeah. That's an old, I wonder when that was written. Yeah.

Because that's an old construct, as they say in the old comedy biz. Okay, Justin, thank you for sending this in. Justin sent some of his funny, his favorite farsides. And I picked one, and maybe I'll do the other one next week, but I love this one. So a guy has approached the king in his castle. It's a very Hager type setting. And it looks like some, uh, you know, someone from this king's fiefdom or a servant, I guess. And he comes in and, uh, the king goes, the wench, you idiot, bring me the wench. And you see that the guy's holding up a winch. A little tool with a rope on it

that you crank. And I just also like, that's all it says. The wench, you idiot. Yeah. And I love any punchline that's you idiot. Yeah. Works for me. Blondie, Dagwood comes home. He's wearing a very gay overcoat. Speaking of Yeah. Works for me. Blondie Dagwood comes home.

He's wearing a very gay overcoat. Speaking of idiots. It's blue. And he walks in and Blondie, who's wearing a raspberry top, a black velvet skirt, and breasts protruding under her arm

as she reaches forward with lip gloss and says, Surprise, dear. I found a new lip gloss that tastes like chicken wings. And he goes, for real? And she goes, I bought the spicy buffalo wing flavor. And now, and she goes, anyway, dinner's ready.

Whoa. And he leans her back and plants a big smacker right on her face. And he goes, great. You found the perfect appetizer. Look, if you're Blondie and you're a fucking 10 and you've got this zero husband who earns maybe $26,000 a year at his shitty job, he dresses like an asshole,

and you have to trick him into kissing you by putting food flavors on your face, at what point do you walk out? How much does it take until you say, I am the one who should be, he should be bending over backwards for me. Why am I putting meat on my lips? Something's wrong.

Either she has a big secret and she's putting up this facade, or he might be a lot smarter than we think. And I think she, here's my new, I think Blondie is AI. Oh, interesting theory. I think he's programmed her, which would explain everything you're saying. Although AI is so smart, I think she would have killed him by now. Yes.

I think she would have put poison on the lip gloss because it wouldn't affect her, but it would affect him. Right. Yeah. That's how it's going to end. That's a good one. Yeah.

All right. Listen, Mike Gibbons, you've done an outstanding job as co-host of Sunday Papers, as always. Oh. We want to thank the fine people at Midcoast Media, Key and Chris and Beth and John and all the people over there in St. Louis, Missouri. Sure thing. Where the winter is kicking their ass.

I know. God, it was 70. Was it 77 yesterday? God, it was 70. Was it 77 yesterday? Yeah, it was 77 yesterday. I mean, we're back down to the 60s, but oh, my God, it lit up here yesterday. It was so great. And I do take that for granted. Spending more time in Nashville now, and my daughter is in Michigan.

Yeah. We forget it is a dead gray sky, not clouds. Right. You can't even see a cloud. The whole sky is gray. And I remember being in New York. So God bless our listeners wherever you are and it's like this. I remember like February, like I got to get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. In New York. Yeah. And New York is way better than so much of the country in February. Don't forget also, if you want to dine with a little bit of prep in a healthy way that fits your lifestyle, go to greenchef.com slash papers, the number 60 and use code paper 60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Do it. It also helps us if you do it with that code.

And 60% off. Just try it. Yeah, just try it. You can cancel it if you don't like it, but I don't think you will. And you'll eat better. Oh, by the way, I told, oh, boy, the Gubbins haters are not going to like this, but Gubbins is going under the knife Thursday to get new knees. Anyway, if you can all send money.

I'm kidding. No, but my point is I brought up that we have some connections to meal services, meal delivery. Right. So I might hook him up with some green chef. Nice. Yeah, because he can't. And then I guess I have to cook it for him. Yeah.

I'll do that. All right, go Chiefs. Have fun at the Super Bowl today, everybody, and we'll catch you next week right here on Sunday Papers. And take it eesh. And take it eesh! If you're tired of the software and the headlines, don't despair. Get ready for a good time.

Here we go. It's the Sunday paper show.