Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 160 4/16/23

Episode Date: April 16, 2023

Why is Lululemon making fun of Asian people? Why are old ladies in Missouri robbing banks? Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger filling potholes? Tune into Sunday Papers this week and you may walk away a little smarter.

Sunday papers, Sunday papers, Sunday papers, yeah! Read all about it. Oh, there it is. And you're going to clap in, sir. One, two... I didn't see it. Did it. I never do it right anyway.

One, two, three... Read all about it! Read all about it. Read all about it. Extra, extra. Here we go now. Connecticut. Connecticut. Here we go.

Here we go now. Here I am in Connecticut. I think I have to turn these up a little. All right. I just. I can't hear anything. I've got a cold. Oh, boy boy. Oh boy. Hey, quick question to viewers, listeners, listeners. I'm going to stop taking the decongestion before I, you go to bed.

I get sick like once a, although this year it's been twice, but once every few years. And the worst thing ever is that nighttime cough, when that fucking drip is happening in your throat, and you cough and you can't sleep. I'm not going to take a decongestion, because that's what loosens it up, right? Do I have this wrong? I guess that would be called an expectorant, maybe. Deniman, can you time code this

for our best of Sunday papers for our 10th anniversary? You said we're talking about this the whole episode. Weren't we talking about nasal drip? Why are your headphones sticking out of the side of your ears and not flush with your head? Okay. Well, the listeners didn't know that, and now they do. Because don't you do this in planes also? Now they do because don't you do this in planes also?

The Apple ear pods, you get a you block the whole ear canal by turning them this way. And it's much louder and clearer. Oh, my God. And since I can't hear anything, which is a blessing listening to you, I have to do that so I can hear. Well, I was just down in Florida with my mom for four days, and we went to Easter dinner. Went to Easter dinner at her neighbor's, Brent and Diane. And Brent had the hearing aids in like your father, and we were trying to watch The Masters, but we couldn't hear it.

But Brent was sitting there telling us what was happening because it was going directly into his fucking earpiece. Perfect. Yeah. Hot link. You should see him. It's the same with the iPhone. The iPhone, you know, one of the Bluetooth options is the hearing aids. Yep.

But when a call comes in in the car, it's craziness because he thinks whatever. It's both in the car somehow and in his hearing aid. And we had Easter dinner, and Diane cooked eight pounds of ham for seven of us. That's what they do down there. They just overcook. They overcook so much. If you lived in Florida, move into an old folks' home

and then just go door-to to door collecting food every night for dinner because they they cook like they've got three kids still oh i know it's it's crazy and one lady comes over with this everyone brought a side dish this lady brings this corn mush it was it was like jello that a rabbit took a shit in and she made everybody eat it and she watched you eat it and you had to pretend it wasn't the worst thing you've ever eaten in your life what was it it was like a corn jello mushy thing there was like corn floating around in it oh all right yeah she's not like minnesota uh is she from the north the Midwest kind of? She was a phys ed teacher from, yeah, I think she was from Illinois. They put weird, they do weird shit with corn and vegetables in the Midwest, like putting

it in Jell-O. Can I tell you how many fucking bugs were in my mom's house? And twice I had to get geckos out of the kitchen. Well, that's your problem. The geckos take care of the bugs. Oh, right. You threw off her whole ecosystem. Not these bugs.

There was one bug that was so big that my mother was spraying it. It was running away and she was following it and spraying it. And I was like, Mom, that's not bug spray. That's WD-40. What? Slip, head hits the oven, out. I know, Greg. It makes, they lose traction.

Then I can catch them. Yeah, and she calls it WWW 40. That's the 40th World War? Or the 40th whatever it is, SummerSlam for wrestling, WrestleMania? Do you think there will ever be another war uh merits being called a world war uh i don't know what i'm talking about but i think if two superpowers go at it it's going to be called a world war right but we're going at it with russia right now but we're doing it by proxy through uh ukraine don't kid yourself all. All that equipment is ours.

Right. No, no, I know. There's a whole thing that then they're battle tested, which is the highest grade of testing. So there's incentive to take advantage of any skirmish by testing your equipment.

Oh, no shit. When it's battle tested, yeah. Because a lot of the equipment fails in the field and they need that feedback. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. I don't know.

They're all saying that with war, you know, they're all saying, but I do hear, read, and mostly see, because I'm illiterate, that, I don't know. We won't even feel like it's a war when it's happening because it might be technological. And also, I don't know, they're saying China's already working

on all the dissent within our country and stuff. Yeah. So who knows? All right, listen. Let's get back to my nasal trip. No, go ahead. So I'm in Connecticut. I'm playing at the, what's this casino, Mohegan Sun?

Yeah, I'm at the Mohegan Sun, which is a gorgeous casino. It's beautiful buildings and nice grounds. But you're still surrounded by, by definition, losers because they are paying for this building. And the shows, the people are, there's just an air about them that's, they're done. They've been beaten up by the slots and now they're coming into a show.

And it's so sad because I have so many people coming up to see me every night. Last night, my cousin Robbie drove up with his wife and another couple. Tonight, my friend, you're not going to believe that. I told you I have a friend who's a billionaire who I went to high school with. Yeah, that's unbelievable. So he's flying a private jet from New York City to Connecticut with my friend Alex tonight to come to the show. So he's already a loser.

He's already in the hole. Is that what I mean? Well, they apparently they're giving him the biggest suite in the whole casino. Oh, he shares his bank account info with them and he's, he's considered a whale. Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh, and then tomorrow night, my broke ass friend, Chris, who's a state cop in Connecticut, I'm assuming he's broke because he's got five kids or six kids. He's either got five or six kids and he's a state cop.

So he's got to be broke. So he's here tomorrow night with 12 people. I go, how many people on your guest list? 12. What, are you bringing the whole fucking squadron? what do you bring in the whole fucking squadron if you were a billionaire wouldn't you constantly just be giving away money and i mean i can you imagine what two percent interest on a billion dollars is yeah chris figure that out. An hour? Well, $1,000 million. So 10% of $1,000 million is $100 million. So $20 million is 2%. So you would make $20 million a year in interest if you only made 2%, which he's not.

No, I know. He's probably making $50 million a year in interest. Like, shouldn't you guys all just go to the craps tables like it's funny money? Oh, no, no, no. Last time we was in L.A., we went out to dinner with our wives, and we split the check. I can't even maybe it's a desperate attempt on his part to have some normalcy you know we've talked about this before but a friend of mine had a very rich rich friend and they weren't trying to be obnoxious at all but they said like at a certain point everything's free yeah like in other words taking their family on a private plane so that's five of them versus five of them flying first

class it makes when when you're when your money that's not even trying hard when the interest of that you can't even keep up with it yeah then what's everything's free well he is the most normal fun down-to-earth guy and i actually offered to split the check so i think because i didn't want to feel like i was like you know oh you're you're rich i get to have free dinner um oh right he does have to be sensitive that with friends especially yeah i get that yeah uh you could seem like a dick otherwise yeah yeah uh so anyway big news uh this tuesday will be the 1000th episode of fitz dog radio and i am so bummed that you're not on it i really wanted you to be a part of it but you were away for like two weeks and uh that was the only time i had to tape with our special guest.

And we both know that guy, and that's a good get, and I heard it went really well. Yeah, but you've been a part of the podcast for, out of those thousand episodes, you know, you were on the first 700, I would say. Right, and it turned into this. Yeah, right, right. So it turned into this. Yeah. Right. Right. So, so here I am. Yeah. So unprepared. Didn't know we were recording today. Yeah. I know. All of a sudden I'm getting videos of you on a golf course and I'm like, has he even seen the script? No. And then I couldn't, as you could tell, I couldn't get into it. So last night I like put aside these stories, but I couldn't get into the Google talk, whatever. It's such a amateur hour on my end. But, uh, so then, uh, yeah, that was, we'll talk about that. Uh, there's a definitely put out a promotional video on social media every week with like a minute clip from the show. And we we put one out last week of the clip of Kid Rock shooting Budweiser cans.

The most innocuous clip. We did not say anything about this is wrong. This is right. Get get transgender rights and we didn't there was no stance taken whatsoever and i mean the fucking comments from people can people please just fucking relax about transgender stuff or whether or not a company wants to put a transgender person on there like i don't care't care. Why do you care? These comments were like, you guys are lost.

$4 billion in sales are missed out on from this boycott. Don't be stupid, Greg. What are you? What are you, best friends with the ceo of budweiser what the fuck do you care who's a european by the way who's european it's a european company oh is that right anheuser-busch is a european company oh that's hilarious yeah uh you guys are you guys look so nervous like you know your takes are trash and your jokes aren't hitting. I didn't look nervous. I saw that guy's comment. I'm like, did I?

Listen, a lot of times I look lost, but in that I didn't at all. I was talking about it being like a Zapruder. He had another shooter. I mean, we were just talking, commenting. You talked about his neighbor. Yeah. You did talk about that, like, Bud Light Drinkers won't stop drinking Bud Light. But, yeah, I don't know.

But that wasn't political. That was a joke about how Bud Light drinkers, that's like their fucking life. That's what they do. And it is such an overstatement to say that this caused a $4, $5, or $6 billion market share drop. It dropped from $66 to $63. And by the way, it's like it's 64 and a half now.

Like it's it's it's in the realm of a like an expected fluctuation that just happens. Greg, I have always enjoyed you over the years. Sorry, you and your boy be very wrong on this one. I'm a delivery trucker. Feel free to have someone like myself on a podcast and it might enlighten you. What is this romanticizing of the blue collar worker that somehow like I'm out of touch and I need to talk to a mechanic so I can find out the truth about things. My truth is my truth and your truth is your truth. There's no, you know, I don't need to have a delivery trucker on. I respect what you do. I appreciate you delivering shit.

But your opinion doesn't mean any more to me than anybody else's because you're blue collar. I'm unemployed. It doesn't get more real than that. We're broke. We don't earn. We are white, middle-aged, we're beyond middle-aged men in hollywood we're we're the untouchables no one's hiring us but we're not complaining delivery job

give me your fucking truck pal um yeah it is a weird uh and kid rock who grew up rich. Yes. Yeah, grew up in a mansion. Was it a mansion, really? So, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Kid Rock grows up in a mansion a mile outside of the city. And he is attacking a European-owned beer company that people tattoo on their arms to show how American they are. Just everyone shut the fuck up. Drink your stupid fucking beer. And if you see a trans person, guess what? You don't have to kiss them and they're not going to steal your kid. They're just wearing other clothes.

Why doesn't America start dealing with what's the real problems? And I'm not talking about this as a lefty or a righty, but there are fundamental problems. The number one being the vitriol and the hatred between both sides. And if you're adding to it, you are worse than any of the issues you think you stand for. You are evil for feeding into this, this, uh, this hatred that's going on. So just stop. It's so weird. Yeah. You know, I think it can safely be said if you silenced the extremists on the right and left. So let's say you cut off probably 2%. You cut off the 2% most extreme on the left, 2% on the right. on the left, 2% on the right, this, everyone would be focused on better things.

Yes. And what happens is- It's that little. What happens is all of the right responds to that 2% on the left and all of the left responds to that 2% on the right. Right. And these are the fucking asshole crybabies yelling about issues that don't matter. Right. And Chris just posted that Kid Rock, I don't know what he posted, then he put it away.

Kid Rock was born the son of Susan. Someone's calling me. Hold on. The son of Susan and William Ritchitchie who owned multiple car dealerships he was raised in his father's large home and extensive property where he picked apples and cared for their horses okay yeah yeah buddy yeah buddy i did a comedy bit with um uh that i wrote with uh when i was with spade they were they were friends i think it was a little bit with them that I wrote with when I was with Spade they were friends I think it was a little bit of the Joe Dirt

bonding but super nice that's all it was nice to me sure and if he had a gun I wasn't afraid of him hitting me or I wouldn't be now having seen how he shoots yeah that was terrible I mean it's just so funny what what videos blow up you never know i really thought that was like some innocuous video and uh you know what reminded me of like i'm shooting bud light cans like being angry at that it was so funny uh early in the day when smigel would go out with triumph the insult comic dog and there's

this you know sort of uh as as smigel would describe himself sort this out of shape pathetic looking writer with a puppet on his hand and the people that the he was making fun of would get angry at the puppet. Yeah, right, right, right. They would like hit at his hand that had a dog with a cigar. And it's like, God, you're really not seeing the big picture here, are you? That's a metaphor for this fucking country. Yeah. So there was a statement made from the CEO of Budweiser. As the CEO of a company founded in America's heartland more than 165 years ago,

I am responsible for ensuring every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We never intended to be part of a discussion that divides people. We're in the business of bringing people together. It's all just corporate speak. Their spokespeople, first of all, it's not even a spokesperson, but whatever it is, let's say the face of their product has been a goddamn gecko. Was it fucking frogs?

A fucking bizarre looking dog? dog dude that dog got laid he got puss in college yeah he sure did all right um i guess we'll talk about entertainment but i want to see if you're caught up on succession, but I don't think we can talk about it. No, we cannot talk about it. And when we do talk about it, I have some serious shit to say about it. Well, you mean we can't talk about it today or right now? I think we got to give people, I just give you guys a warning right now.

Next week, we are going to talk about last week's succession. So be caught up or don't listen to the entertainment section of next week because I need to talk about that episode. Yeah. All right. I'll talk about Jason Isbell down below. I think you should watch that. I think you have this block against country.

Or not block. You give it a shot and he doesn't jump at you. But there's an aesthetic about it, and especially that guy's voice that I think you'd really like. And it's 90 minutes. It's not a big commitment at all. Okay. I'll give it a shot. Netflix. Great logo. I don't know where it went. We had a logo in here from Bruce Wise. Oh, HBO. It's HBO. Thanks, Chris. It's missing. The logo is missing. Let's see if I don't know if there's going to be blowback.

You were asking me, do we think the logo is racist? Yeah, I don't think it is. I guess you could say it's cultural appropriation. I'm not sure. Just because it looks like it's an old label on a pack of firecrackers? I know what my next insult for Bobby Lee is when I see him. By the way, how cool. Like when I was little, I was not into comic books, probably because of ADD, which I didn't realize I had. But I wasn't into comic books, but I got their aesthetic.

You know what I mean? Yeah. There was nothing else in the world that looked like that. And the labels on all the firecrackers I would get when I was a kid, like Black Cat, whatever, those were just like that. They were so... I would stare before I'd light them on fire and blow shit up. I'd be mesmerized by them. Yeah.

Right? I'd light them on fire and blow shit up. I would, I'd be mesmerized by them. Yeah. Right. It was such a cool, I don't know if like taggers or people who sort of know about this and the, and the, the histories of, of, of image, the imagery and fonts and, and logos that have influenced them. Like there might be a name for it. You know, like I know a lot of those comic nerds, like, you know, that's, it's truly art history. Like they know the biggest artists and the influencers and they have names for the styles. And I wonder, I wonder if like firecracker labels, have they ever had an exhibition in a, I'm not even joking in a museum. Yeah. Cause they were, they were so cool. Yeah. Um, I mean, that's not exactly this. I was making fun of it cause it's Asian. Um,

and firecracker labels are a lot cooler than this, but we are ancient samurai. Is that what, where you are in that? Uh, it looks like samurai. Yes, we are samurai. And why are you asking if it's racist? I don't know if people are going to say because they're going to say it's cultural appropriation. I don't know. We'll see. I don't think people care about that as much as they care about a rich, spoiled kid from the suburbs attacking a European beer company for not being Christian, which he's not because he fucks a million young girls on the road.

I mean, what are we talking about, America? What does it all mean? The symbolisms are just bumping into each other, and they're falling down. And isn't it weird? So you see where it says Sunday Papers? Yeah. What would you say that is that's a font okay that yeah but then underneath i i forget the guy who made this poster in japanese if somebody can read this in japanese and send it to us we will send you uh a gift the mail. I'll send you a Greg Fitzsimmons pin through the mail, but it says something in Japanese and I hope it's nothing

horrific. I bet Chris can Google translate it somehow. Wow. That, that would be above and beyond for Chris. Chris, can you draw that house falling down? He can't even not delete the logo while we're talking. Remember that joke of stand-up? Stand-up did. Some great stand-up, but I wish I could attribute it correctly. Maybe you'll know. But the Chinese bill, when it comes,

but it's written in Chinese in the Chinese restaurant, like in the numbers like well how are you going to complain like who ordered the house falling down yeah yeah who got the who got the dog with the hat yeah exactly yeah i didn't have an umbrella on top of a statue of the Mona Lisa. The song came from Matthew Freeman. Awesome song. Thank you, Matthew. Matthew, I got to be honest with you.

I haven't heard it yet, even though it just played. Greg failed to play it for me. Oh, Jesus Christ. So tell me a little bit about it, Greg, and then I'm going to listen to it as soon as we finish taping. How much more can I hold your hand? Let me play it right now. You hold my hand a lot this week.

All right, here we go. It better not be Asian sounding. Sunday papers, Sunday papers, Sunday papers, yeah. Sunday papers, Sunday papers, Sunday papers, yeah. Did you hear it? Yeah. Is this a joke? Yeah. No, did you hear it? That was the joke yeah did you hear that was the song yeah that was a song okay did i get an isolated track or was it just his voice the whole thing

oh i'm glad i i'm glad i didn't presumptuously thank matthew freeman for his hard work well listen i think matthew is making the point that we accept all artwork from our listeners. There's no, this isn't American Idol. I have ones that, okay, I'm going to give you a friend, Kevin Biggins, K-Big, he's a writer here, family guy writer formally, and I've written with him. I hired him on Tosh for a while. He's very creative musically, and he's written two for us that are in the spirit of Matthew Freeman's. And so,

no, but I thank Matthew for his effort there and effort, meaning literally he did something. Yes. That's all we're looking for. What I was getting back to though, is the Sunday papers, like everyone in the world would agree that that is a is an Asian font. Yes. Which is weird. They don't even have our alphabet. So how is that an Asian font?

Now, keep in mind, I ask a lot of these questions, and there are answers out there. I'm not pretending. Like last week, I asked, what was it like? What was the thinking of the gra diggers who put the stone over? Well, after I asked that, I looked it up. There's a very easy explanation, but it was kind of funny to me. I had never thought about that. And so there's an answer to this.

I don't know what it is. Why do we know this font is Asian when Asians would never, they don't use our alphabet? Good question, Mike. We have a translation. Chris denman star producer naacp winner twice uh has translated this to say sun sun 5d papers fucked with eight of Okay, that's obviously not it. That's like the Chinese bill. Now keep in mind, it's Japanese. Who had the eight of sheep?

Who had the eight of sheep? I sent that back. I didn't eat it. All right, let's keep moving. Corrections. Sun five day, that's interesting. Gregory Militsov said, hey, Greg, if you want to stick it to phil mccracken you can let him know kid koala is a dj and not a rapper looking forward to the 1000th oh my god it's a correction of a correction i love it wm carpenter says isn't the saying jet black hair? Did we talk about this already? Jet black is...

Did we already do this correction? No, but this seems to be commenting on what... The correction that you read. Jet black is characterized as having more intensity in color and containing blue or purple undertones. It also has a darker, more dramatic, and richer color compared to natural black. In some hair treatments, it can give off an extra shine due to the dye.

All right. What do we... Why don't I weed these out? Danny M. from Maui said, What the fuck, you guys? Come on. You always talk about low-hanging fruit. Last week, Mike describes having to kick out alex

trebek from his first job when he worked at cheers he couldn't quite pinpoint the reason they had to kick him out and said he didn't want to bad mouth trebek he could have easily said i don't want to jeopardize his reputation okay ah well all right aloha aloha chuck strawn says jesus never said Okay. Ah. Well. All right. Aloha. Aloha. Chuck Strawn says, Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. There's stuff from other places in the Bible, but nothing from Jesus. His followers seem to be the ones with the biggest issues,

starting with the Apostle Paul. It's unfortunate that their opinions get conflated with his teachings, particularly when the church grew in power. Stick to golf and gubbins and maybe skip theology. No, is that theologian with an edge? Yeah, I think everyone should skip theology. Including the Dalai Lama. Oh, we're going to get to him.

Oh, are we going to get to him? And you know where I'm going to get to? Oxnard, California next week on April 22nd. Levity Live. Escondido Grand Comedy Club, April 28th and 29th. Huntington Beach, The Rec Room, May 12th. Columbia, Missouri at the Blue Note, May 19th. Next night I'll be in Kansas City at Argosy Casino.

Coming to Austin, playing Joe Rogan's Mothership, May 25th through the 27th. Next night, I'll be in Kansas City at Argosy Casino. Coming to Austin, playing Joe Rogan's Mothership, May 25th through the 27th. Boston, Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. And just announced, very excited, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's, July 22nd and 23rd. There'll be a reading from Shakespeare after the stand-up comedy show. there'll be a there'll be a reading from shakespeare after the stand-up comedy show i love it you're a road dog why don't you do our ad this week mike since you got the product all right so let's be truthful about this uh i got a box of uh of bird dogs uh two days ago, and you, I guess, got out of town before you got yours? I don't think I finished filling out my application,

which I'm so bummed about because they look like the perfect pants. I don't know if they come in maroon, so you're going to have to find that out. But I got sent a box, and it had shorts, it had the sweats, and it had the khakis. And I was self-conscious at first because I thought, you know, I'm not really a stylish guy. I thought these might be too slim cut. In other words, too skinny jeanish and skinny jeans have trouble with my, uh, the muscles on my calves. Cause growing up, I played outdoors

unlike everyone that wears skinny jeans now. So, uh, anyway, boy, was I wrong? And I'm truthfully telling you like Olivia was here and she's like, those are the best pants I've ever seen on you. And they are, I played golf in them and, and I, and I could go right to dinner if I wanted. Like they're, they're exactly what I'll just tell you from my angle. I want clothes I don't have to think about. And I want something like easy and like if army pants even were better and could wick away moisture and dry fast. I just want the most, I'm function. I'm 100% function. These have the added

bonus of being good looking as well. So listen, that's all from me. Let me read some of the points they want me to read. No, you don't have to. I think you did it all. I ordered a pair. I thought I ordered the Alfred. They're called the Alfred Itchcocks. They have funny names. I didn't even realize that. So anyway, go to bird dogs.com. And when you enter promo code papers, they're going to throw in a free Yeti style Tumblr with every order. Is it Yeti or Yeti? Yeti.

Yeti. Yeti style Tumblr. What's a Yeti style Tumblr? Oh, Yeti is like the leading brand now in coolers. Like all the fishing guys have them on their boats and everything. So they also make tumblers, meaning this is going to keep your drink cold or warm. All right.

So go to birddogs.com. Jesus, am I getting paid by Yeti too? Well, how about this? I'm actually doing this because I want some dark color. If they're listening, by the way, please send me a free box of, I want blue in the pants I got. I got to go check what style it is. How about I get mine? How about I get mine, which I'm dying for?

Oh, you said you had to fill out an application or whatever it was. I literally wrote one, two, three, four, five strokes of the keyboard. That's all I had to give them. And it was 36 slash 32. Yeah. That's it. And I give them. And it was 36 slash 32. Yeah, that's it. And I got, Oh, I got bathing suits, dude. All of it feels so comfortable. It's exactly what I want.

It's not a hundred percent cotton. It's a stretch fabric. Uh, it's just, it's never going to shrink. It's going to last forever. I love it. All right. So listen, birddogs.com enter promo code papers they're going to give you a yeti tumblr all right let's get to the front page who's got something to crinkle anybody uh uh oh i've got some pins that are in wrappers okay oh shit what i don't know i Okay Oh shit What? Oh no I guess it's a Oh shit Hold on I'm gonna reach up here and get I thought I thought my

I got a bag of Edibles that I never eat I thought my I thought my earphones were plugged in this whole time And I think Either they just fell out Or they've been out the whole time You sound better

Is that better? Oh, Jesus Oh, you sound better now Now I don't have to have my headset in sideways Chris, you're going to kill me I didn't have the earphones in this whole time That's going to throw off the sound a bit So, apologize to the listeners if the sound isn't right

Where are we at? We're at 34 minutes But really about a half hour since we started. Okay. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! But look at this.

Just in time for a paper crinkle, which is really a plastic bag. That's a good one. That's a good one. A missing woman was discovered alive after a fisherman spotted her submerged Jeep in an East Texas lake. The fisherman saw the vehicle Friday morning near a boat ramp in Lake O'Pines and reported it to authorities. Deputies prepared to remove the vehicle from the water, and then they saw a woman inside who was moving. She was still texting and driving.

She didn't even realize she was moving. She was still texting and driving. Yes. She didn't even realize she was underwater. Yeah, she was using bubble emojis. She was still, like, putting on makeup in the rearview mirror while driving. Yeah, her finger was still up at the car that ran her into the lake. They determined she'd been reported missing in Longview, Texas. Or maybe someone takes those Jeep commercials too seriously where they go off-road, where you can drive it anywhere.

Maybe not everywhere, sweetheart. What is it, Jeep Nation? What's the saying? They all have a saying. I'm seeing it a lot in Tennessee. Oh, really? Jeep people, Jeep Nation, Jeep tribe, Jeep. What is it, Jeep cult?

Here comes Chris. He he's gonna tell me they always say well i'll tell you what she is obviously not boycotting bud light oh they're saying is it's a jeep thing you wouldn't understand maybe that's what she was trying to yell them with bubbles coming out of her mouth well when they're trying to get her out of the car. What they don't understand is she's trying to commit suicide, and they're stopping her from her fate. Women drivers. Yeah. No problem.

I'll just turn on the air. Just leave me alone. i meant to do this yeah stop mansplaining to me i'll figure out how to open the door um around 10 p.m in boston agents from the fbi's fbi's boston office were conducting a training exercise at a hotel. The agents were, quote, mistakenly sent to the wrong room where they detained an individual who was not the intended role player. The agents initially banged on the door. When a confused man opened it, they handcuffed him,

put him in the shower, and interrogated him for more than 45 minutes. After the agents discovered they had made a mistake, they apologized. The man turned out to be a Delta Airlines pilot who was just trying to get some sleep. Okay. Boston story. Three words. Was he black?

How about the guy who is the intended uh what do they call him intended uh role player yeah who's who's waiting in his hotel room and waiting and then all of a sudden there's turndown service they knock on the door and he's like fuck you pigs or whatever whatever role they gave him yeah yeah yeah don't come in yeah and this guy the guy they tortured i mean they they put him in the shot you know they run a cold water that that the guy's a pilot the next day little choppy that flight was little choppy hands were trembling attention this is your pilot speaking we're currently pulling out of boston as fast as humanly possible, they can suck my dick. Please fasten your seatbelt.

You know, the way they fastened my hands together and put my face in an ice-cold shower. It's a fucked-up city you got there. I just asked for some extra towels. All of a sudden, I'm handcuffed to the shower rod and there's a chainsaw in my face. I got the money and the yay-ho. So wait a minute. What kind of drill is this?

Imagine being in the hotel and eight cops burst into the room next door. You see it happening in the hallway? I would totally assume there were bombs in there. Yeah, they may want to purchase an isolated building for their little training exercises. Not, not the days in at six o'clock on a Friday. Yeah. What is that about?

And I was just in a Boston hotel for the first time in decades last week. Oh, by the way, speaking of pilots flying out of Boston. So on my way back here, get this, on my way back here from Nashville this week, it's, you know, I think the flight in the air is like three and a half hours or even maybe even a little less. I think they block in four hours for the flight, you know, to be on time. And the pilot comes on, I'd say an hour into the flight and he goes, uh, well, we have some good news. We're going to be an hour early ahead of schedule. We have a 100 mile an hour tailwind. Hold on. And he goes, which is unnatural. And I was like, what? And, you know, keep in mind, I'm going East to West like that,

that wind's supposed to be in our face. I know. I know there's east to west winds. Don't get me wrong. But even he had to add it was unnatural. Like, what is going on? And did you see Fort Lauderdale this week? I was in Florida. We were me and my mom. I was in Florida for four days. It rained 90 percent of the time. and i'm not talking about a drizzle it was a deluge of rain for the entire time and and 30 mile an hour winds the whole time um so luckily i flew out of palm beach airport because if uh because fort lauderdale was closed oh it was closed for many many many days i think they got two feet of rain, which is like, like, I don't, someone write it in

over, it's like 20 feet of snow, but they got like two feet of rain in 24 hours. It's like shattered. It shattered the previous record. Yeah. And they get, they get heavy rain there. So they have a lot of very high records to, you know, to, to beat. Yeah. It's a state.

I mean, while their governor's up in Ohio, just all he is screaming about is woke, woke, woke, woke. Yeah. You want to do Lululemon? Yeah. Lululemon. I saw this online on Instagram or something like that. And I'm like, is that really true?

saw this online on Instagram or something like that. And I'm like, is that really true? So, uh, the origin of the name, um, basically what I heard online this week was that the Lululemon, well, here, I'll just read it. When asked about the origin of the name, because someone had leaked a disparaging story about the origin, he goes, the reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand homeless. So this guy who developed Lululemon had a brand called homeless, which is a little odd to me, uh, was because it had an L in it and Japanese and a Japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an L in it. It's not in their vocabulary. It's a tough pronunciation for them. So I thought, oh, so anyway, what's not in here is he explained they wanted it to sound authentically like American. I guess that was selling. So that's why they liked this company because the Japanese

would never come up with a name like that. He goes, so I thought next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get three times the money. It's kind of exotic for them. I was playing with L's and I came up with Lululemon, quote, it's funny to watch them try to say it. There's nothing funny about somebody saying Rururamen. But a lot of, to use DeSantis' key phrase, a lot of woke people are Lululemon customers. Yeah, I can see that. Chris Rock has the big thing about how they were so terrified that they're like, we're BLM, we're BLM, you know? And he has a bit about Lululemon, like, you know, uh, screaming about black lives matter, um, in their marketing. But, uh, anyway, this, this founder has other quotes. He denies, by the way, ever saying that.

And meanwhile, I think it was on tape. Um, he also reportedly said, uh, these aren't jokes. It sounds like a, like a bit I created, but child labor in third world countries, he supported because it would help them earn more money. He also made a comment in 2005 about body size, saying that it costs too much to manufacture pants larger than size 12. And he said he understood the issue, but he, oh, sorry, that issue he understood. And he said that it's 30% more fabric to make sizes beyond 12. Well, try having an all-you-can-eat buffet at Soup Plantation

and seeing a couple of those cows wander in. There go the profits for that day. I didn't write it down. He also had another thing to explain. When Lululemon, remember the big thing, which was awesome publicity for them, where you could see the skin and make out behind, you know, women's behinds in their pants. And, but people were complaining. He's like, and his point was some women aren't made to wear our clothes and that they were

stretching too much. And that's why you could see them. Meanwhile, he didn't have, he had no idea that America was just about to fall in love with fat asses and having them. Now, I wonder if a bunch of liberals are going to put Lululemons in their backyard and, uh, shoot them with AK 47s this week. That'd be great. Yeah. Uh, so yeah, that guy, I don't know. We'll see what happens to them. I wonder if their stock price plunged. Yeah. Prosecutors have accused a 78-year-old woman of robbing a Missouri bank,

and they say she slipped the bank teller a note. Bonnie Gooch, who already has two bank robbery convictions, tried to escape with cash from the Gobert Financial Bank. Goop approached the bank's counter on April 15th and slipped the cashier a note that read, I need 13,000 small bills. Thank you. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, the note read.

Gooch then escaped in a Buick SUV with a handicap plate. When police stopped her at a parking lot they found the cast thrown around the floorboard and noted that the vehicle smelled strongly of alcohol quote when officers officers first approached her they were kind of confused it's a little old lady who steps out we weren't sure initially that we had the right person and we're also a little wary it could have been that guy from the hotel who we had the right person. And we were also a little wary. It could have been that guy from the hotel who we terrified the pilot.

Yeah. Right. Right. I'll tell you that handicap plate lets you get in real close on those bank robberies. You park right out front. Mine expires this month and I know the listeners hate to hear it, but I am trying to find a way to extend it illegally. It is so and the best part about it

is how angry I get at uh real handicapped people because I'm always claiming that they're bullshit and that they don't need it yeah uh because I don't need it either yet they took my spot oh that's her look at her oh she's sweet God. She's perfect, especially if she's drunk. Wait a minute. Those are centimeters. Chris, how tall is 50 centimeters? She's only 50 centimeters tall? You're saying that like you know what that means.

Oh, she's 7'1". That's us with math. Put your hands in the air or as high as your bursitis allows them to go. Put your hands in the air or as high as your bursitis allows them to go. Well, police said she's going to go away for life or three years, whichever comes first. I don't know how they found her. Maybe they just tracked her following hard candy wrappers in the smell of Bengay and farts. It was tough to catch her going 25 miles an hour in the left lane with a blinker on.

With the hazard lights on. Yeah. I like it. I think bank robbery, the old-fashioned way, is romantic kind of, you know? I know. It's sweet. No identity theft. No crypto swiping.

Just walking into a bank with a note like a fucking man. And a thank you note. Yep. I didn't mean to scare you. And she was also quite humble. She said she needed small bills. Yeah. That's the key.

Get the small bills. The big ones are marked. I'd love to be her lawyer. Could she have asked for medium or large bills? Of course she could have. Did she? No. Right. Did she write a thank you note?

Did she intend to scare people? She even said she didn't intend to scare them. Yeah. She just wanted some small bills that she's going to put up her sleeve where her tissues are. That's all. Well, someone strolling along the beach in Florida spotted an unusual package nestled in the sand. Three bricks of cocaine washed up in Walton County. A person told a lifeguard about the package.

The cocaine was wrapped in a bio bag and was black in color with a logo sticker on the outside. Branding is everything with cocaine. The deputies took the package in to be destroyed. Yeah. Hey, McCluskey, let's go destroy the bag of blow. They destroyed it in a strip club in Coconut Grove. Then they destroyed it in the men's room of an IHOP on Route A1A. Then they split it up six

ways to destroy it different ways. They destroyed some of it off the ass of a hooker? Yeah. Are you kidding? Also, I don't believe this story. A Florida lifeguard didn't keep the bag of cocaine? Yeah, right.

Not a chance. No, I've seen too many Dick Wolf shows to know how that ends. Okay. So Greg, you're paying through the nose for health insurance. You're strapped. There's a brick of cocaine and it could mean very literally you don't have another financial worry for your life. Like, you know, obviously you're not going to have hundreds of tens of millions or even a million, but you would have enough that it's a, you know, a safety net. Uh, so you have this brick. What do you like right now? It's you're in your house in Venice and the brick is sitting on your dining room table. And let's say you've already, you've already gotten through the moral dilemma

of do I, am I participating in getting cocaine on the streets? You've somehow gotten through that. So what would you do? It's kind of like that movie. I forget what it was, but they, the plane crashed and the, these, the poor, these poor brothers found all the money and they like chilled for a while, but it's not as easy as you think. So what would you do? Um, I did think about this and number one, I would get it tested for fentanyl. I'd have it thoroughly vetted that it was not fentanyl. Number two, then you'd add a certain amount of fentanyl because you know, you got to step on it. And then, then uh and then i would do an eight ball over three

days i would i would tell my wife i had a gig on the road and then i would just go to vegas i'd bring you guys maybe bring bring like a half an ounce of cocaine and this is not at all what i predicted but go ahead and then i would come back I don't know how I find somebody to wholesale it off to, but I absolutely sell it. I think that cocaine is a lot of fun. I think that, you know, if people get addicted to it, they need a lot of money. I don't think it's addictive. I don't think it's addictive. It's not addictive because who can afford that?

It's so expensive. I mean, get addicted to something cheap so also when have you ever done cocaine and thought i want to do more like never that doesn't happen no i take a couple months off after that so no i absolutely sell it i take the money i pay for my now paying three thousand dollars a month for my health insurance for shitty health insurance because my writer's guild ran out and now i'm on blue cross california blue cross and it sucks there's a eight thousand dollar deductible plus three thousand a month yeah what and you can't go to your own doctors uh it's the worst i mean this fucking system is broken the the health insurance system is so broken all right so the tricky part then is how do you and how can you there's so many

opportunities to double cross you and then they have you like they could take you down if they get caught who the wholesalers whoever your first pass off is to you'd want a bunch of middle people between you and however it gets on the street you know what i mean right and yeah i i it you'd really have to think hard on that one. I think I could sell. You're going to get robbed also, huh? I think I could sell eight balls to, I think I could come up with 30 people that would each buy an eighth of an ounce from me. And that's 200 bucks a pop. I guess that's how a lot of dealers do it.

Like they're only going to sell to people they know, you know? And then the people you sell to, they all know a network of people. So you go through, you go through friends. And then maybe some of them do get addicted to cocaine. But look, I got a lot of health insurance to pay for. What would you do? You give out a lot free first. That's the way you do it. First hit is free. We don't know what we're doing. What would you do? You give out a lot free first. That's the way you do it.

First hit is free. We don't know what we're doing. What would you do? No, I don't have any answers. I mean, I guess the friend's way. I mean, if we've decided we're doing it, I don't think I would be like, find a seedy guy through someone who I've been like,

you know, hey, send me your drug dealer. You know, even if it was someone I knew, I'd be like, why wouldn't the drug dealer rob me? Why wouldn't they take, there's, I don't know. There's so many ways to get double crossed or, or violently, your house violently broken into. I don't know. You could go to, it's like a sopranos episode where like a guy would come to them you know with an opportunity they always fucked the guy who

came to them with an opportunity like i have the keys to my sporting goods store you can come in at night you know like and they'll just fucking it's on him then like they just robbed the whole place you could also go to like a very high-end nightclub in hollywood and ask around i'm looking for cocaine and then whoever they put you in touch with because it's more high end you might get somebody that is uh less apt to be like a street level thug dealer yeah and then sell it to them. Well, I don't know who the joke reference is now, but it's like, well, I would just call this celebrity up

and sell the whole brick to them. Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I guess. I don't know what the new, what is the new one? All right. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger or Schwarzenegger? I'd sell it to Schwarzenegger.

Good idea, Greg. He filmed himself filling a troublesome pothole near his L.A. home, acting like it was civic responsibility. And then he told authorities, he was told by authorities it wasn't officially a pothole at all. officials the giant giant pothole he packed with quick drying cement and topped with sand was actually an essential service trench for work being performed by a utility company in the Brentwood neighborhood instead of solving a problem he was creating one with his rogue deed with SoCal gas and who had to open reopen the trench to complete the contract he is always filling holes he's not supposed to that's how he got the mexican kid oh yeah the house cleaner yeah well now he's going to pave the labrea tar pits and he's going

to fill in the o on the hollywood sign and another a million other references i couldn't come up with. Yeah. To be on his side for a second, L.A. has no right to blame him because that trench was there, I guess, for weeks. And everyone was smashing their tires into it. Yeah. And, like, did you see the video where everyone was thanking him when they drove by? Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. And, by the way, that quick spent, they could get that out of there, really? Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. And by the way,

that quick spent, they could get that out of there. No joke. I'd say in 40 seconds. Yeah. Right. Quick Crete or whatever the hell he used, you could see what he was using. But I will say in Brentwood, where my daughter lives, I went up there the other week and I got off the 405 on sunset and I'm heading west on sunset. And I literally had to tell my daughter, I'm like, do not drive in the right lane. I don't know if it was all the rain, but there were potholes that I was like, that's my fucking tire. You know, when you hit it so hard, you hear the rim hit it. Like there were giant ones all along where the curb was. So, and that's exactly what it looked. Did you see the footage? It was like right up against the curb.

It was in the right lane. Yeah, I was told, I remember when I lived in New York, I was told that if you hit a pothole and you damage your tire, you could send the receipt to the city because they keep a record of potholes and they reimburse you for the cost of fixing your tire. Yeah, I heard something like, especially if there was already a letter in about it.

Yeah. That might not be true, but I did hear that as well. Alright, it's time for some good news for Gubbins. An hour into the show. Alright. Let me tell you something. He's driving around in a golf cart like an old woman. It's a golf cart for one, and it should have three wheels.

Well, people should know that the golf course we play at doesn't have golf carts. Yeah, there's no golf carts. It's a nine-hole muni course, and you carry your bag, and there's literally one golf cart, and it only holds one person for the handicapped and it sometimes costs 11 bucks a round just so you know what we're dealing with here and there's a lot uh schwarzenegger should come out there and be a greens greenskeeper because there's a lot to fix up it's old school anyway he uh there's a par three for people that

don't know that means you reach the green with your drive and um and then you two putt for par and he shanked one and then he quickly put down another ball um actually he didn't he waited someone else went then he's like i'm gonna hit a second and he did it outside of the a little outside of the tees because the course is so beat up there was no longer grass between the tees and takes a shot. And it was a really good one and hit the green. I'm like, dude, nice one. And whatever we all talk. And then we start walking up and as he's walking up, he's like, Whoa, I thought I was on. I thought hole in one. No way. Yes. Hole in one. But you can explain cause you're a golfer and I'm not,

that everyone knows it doesn't count. No. Here's the thing. That's called a mulligan. He took a mulligan. And we have a standing bet. There's about 10 of us in a group that play golf together. And we have a standing bet among the 10 of us that if one of us gets a hole in one, everybody owes that guy $100. So he would have made $1,000, but it had to be on the first ball.

It does not count on the second ball. Yeah. Incredible. So is that good news for Gubans or bad news for Govans? I don't know, man. It's pretty, it's still, it's still one shot in the hole from the tee. It was pretty impressive. Yeah, that's great.

So good for him. How long did the good mood last? It's still going, man. It's still going. No, he's in a better way, I think. Good. Yeah, I think he's in a better way. We talked about it a little bit. You know who's not in a better way, I think. Good. Yeah. I think he's in a better way. We talked about it a little bit.

You know who's not in a better way? In the entertainment section. There we go. Former SNL star. And are you a star because you were on SNL? It's kind of like porn star. Yeah. So Victoria Jackson has claimed that, quote, God hates homosexuality.

Not new for her. In an attempt to prevent her city from hosting a pride parade, speaking at her local city hall in Franklin, Tennessee, where local officials were voting on whether to allow the parade, the actress made bizarre references to Bible verses. Quote, God hates sodomy. He hates homosexuality. He said it's an abomination. And God hates sexual immorality. All kinds.

And God hates pride. Like one of the most things he hates is pride well she can speak to that because she definitely does not have any pride not after not after doing that bit which you would read poetry while doing gymnastics on the desk of weekend update no pride zero pride and also like it if you have issues with homosexuality at least give them parades the one thing they fucking crush is parades there there's big energy splashy colors fabulous outfits good music give them the goddamn parades you don't have go. Just don't go to that block that time. This is that part of the 2%. If we just cut off their mics, the country would be in a better way.

Yeah. And it's like this extremism. my mom used to go to the uh the the gay parade in new york every year for many years she loved it there's no better parade than a gay parade except tom o'neill uh our friend hates the uh hates the gay parades that's yeah that is weird but yeah and the worst parade let's face it we've marched in it is the saint patrick's day parade where every child who comes that must be like what what is this where where are the giant balloons they're just sickly looking bloated white people yeah and a couple of them are playing an instrument that's a bag that they're squeezing against their belly you're right and

nobody's smiling nobody Nobody marching is smiling. And everyone who is gay is not admitting it even to themselves. So there used to be a joke this comedian named Steve Sweeney used to have in Boston. He said, you know, they're not allowing gays to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. He goes, why can't we compromise? Can we just let them skip in the St. Patrick's Day parade. He goes, why can't we compromise? Can we just let them skip in the parade?

What, God hates, like, it's amazing a religious person would say those two words. Her quote was God hates homosexuality. Like, didn't you just undo everything by saying god hates right right i don't know but why are we listening to this idiot yeah let's not give her any more air time let's make america florida mike here it comes speaking speaking of people we People we respect. All right. Actually, we're being fair minded.

I am loving Florida for the news story I'm about to read. Genuinely and not like ironic love. Like, get this law to California as soon as you can. A bill seeking to penalize drivers who, quote, continuously travel in the left-hand lane without the intent to pass, moved closer to the governor's desk Thursday, clearing a Senate Transportation Appropriations Committee. The bill filed by Senator Keith Perry, a Republican from Gainesville, I love this Republican's idea here, on February 1 declares vehicles would be prohibited from continuously traveling in the furthermost left-hand lane of certain roadways, like streets and highways with two or more lanes, it's even streets with two lanes, and a posted speed limit of at least 65 miles per hour. This is now apparently this already exists in like a 12 states or something. I didn't put it. I didn't copy and paste that part. But I want to see people pulled over for driving slowly in the left lane. Yep. In Italy, I,

meanwhile, I am the self-identifying fast guy who never hangs in the left lane. Of course, because that's the lane they're looking for speeders in. Whenever I can get to the right, I can, I can't tell you how many times I was startled because a car came, but I couldn't believe it didn't hit my back bumper.

That's how close it came to me. Flashing lights, basically saying, get the fuck out of the way. And I gladly did and apologized. I knew my place. Right, right. I think it's great too. I think we need it. But it's also Florida. I was just there for four days, got a couple other pitches for laws how about a law banning driving a golf cart in a mall parking lot which you see a lot of uh how about motorcycles with no mufflers get those fucking things off the street you'll be on a cell phone call and you literally have to stop talking for 30 seconds while the motorcycle goes by. They claim it's for safety and also to feel like you have bigger reproductive organs. Or how about we get rid of the little electric scooter that you ride through an Indian casino just because you're fat?

No, no, just don't go to the Indian casino. Go to a fucking gym. How about that? I told you when I took the kids, I decided to do this on purpose when my achilles tour and i had that boot on and so uh we went down to disney and there are so many uh what they're called rascals there are so many rascals in disney that companies have popped up to deliver your rascals to hotels and the hotels have to accommodate it. So I called or someone told me this at whatever job I was at. So we were, we took the girls and we were staying in a hotel down at Disney, a real treat for them.

They were very young. And, uh, anyway, I, the hotel, like I was like, Oh, I have a rat. They're like, Oh yeah, sure. Like they did cut me off. They knew exactly what I was calling about. And they're like, okay, your rascal will be, uh, outside the lobby, uh, you know, beginning at 8am, whatever it was. When I went down, it was the longest line of rascals. It was almost like a, like a, like a, like a, it was almost like a Sturgis. It was almost like Sturgis

and all these rascals sitting there. And then as I went to mine, I was the only person under 350 pounds. Yeah. All right. All right. But boy, what a day was, and you know, the girls would take turns driving it. You know, when I was standing there, like it was, it was a ride while we were on lines for rides. It was perfect. Yeah. No, look, I don't want to fat shame people. I get it.

Some people have thyroid problems and all that stuff. But there's also, there's a genuine lack of effort going on with some of these people. You know, I think, I bet this guy has cited that it would be much safer because when you have, that's when so many accidents happen. When you have cars passing in lanes that are not the left. Like there's zigzagging across two lanes. That is when no one's looking to the right of them, you know, as much when they're turning. Anyway, I got I wish we had a law like that here.

Yeah. My sister sits in the left lane whenever I'm driving with her. I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, what? Yeah, it should be part of the driver's test is it it is it is actually i don't know that it's a law but i do i swear you i could have sworn you could get a ticket for going slow in the left lane maybe this is just new to florida because well i mean i know there are minimum speed limits but yeah also you know it's weird that's a trick

question on the driver's test where it's like legally you can go faster than the speeding limit if it's with the flow of traffic is that right there there's there's something like that where it's counterintuitive you're like no law is a law and it's it's not yeah okay chris demmon is now writing it varies state to state but some have that as a law yeah i think i've state to state, but some have that as a law. Yeah, I think New York might have that as a law. Probably to stop road rage. My road rage.

Let's do some sports. Here it comes. Let's do some sports. Here it comes. Okay, the Philadelphia Phillies $1 hot dog night devolves into a massive food fight. Of course. Why wouldn't it? You're going to throw food into a pig trough.

You think it's going to be orderly? They're fucking animals. During the Phillies 8-4 loss ha ha to the marlins on tuesday the team's dollar hot dog night promotion spiraled into a hail of hot dogs as fans appeared to hurl frankfurters at each other throughout the contest howard eskin a talk show host and sideline reporter for the Eagles, tweeted, come on, I know fans in Philly are better than this. Then you don't know fans in Philly, you fucking Eskin, whatever your name is. You've been to a million fucking Eagles games. Apparently you're on the sideline. You don't know what they're like. They're good people, Mike. They

just get excited. They get excited around sports. That's all. I think it might be time to rethink next month's bat night. Remember bat night at Shea Stadium? I'm pitching in August. They have handgun night. That's what I want in Philadelphia.

Handgun night. There doesn't even have to be a game. They show up just to shoot each other but do you remember shea stadium they used to hand out little bats there was fucking bat night only and you got to remember this is a subway series like yankees and meds playing each other so you got fans coming in from you know queens to the bronx bat. And now everyone's got a bat and they're all drinking. And they're really, it's remember. Oh yeah. But also they used to hand out the bats that were the size of a Billy club.

Remember the little bats that you could really do damage with one hand. Right. Right. Yeah. Stick to the little helmets full of ice cream. Maybe stick to that. Right. Here's another story in sports. The Florida Pants. I'm going to skip. We've got too much fucking gay stuff. Jesus Christ.

Let's go to international. I love the first story. Let's skip gay stuff. Let's go to the Dalai Lama. Let's do something spiritual. Here we go. Yeah. Alright. You want me to read it?

Sure, why not? The Dalai Lama found himself at the center of a controversy after a video showed the Tibetan spiritual leader kissing a minor boy on his lips. And by the way, he didn't have like coal on his face. This is a young boy. The video shows the Dalai Lama kissing the child on the lips as the latter leaned in to pay his respects. After a few seconds, the Tibetan spiritual leader can be seen pointing to his mouth and sticking his tongue out quote can you suck my tongue the dalai lama can be heard asking the minor boy sounds like a sounds like a red hot chili pepper song

and he has not denied this that i'm not reading anymore i just know he has not denied this. I'm not reading anymore. I just know he has not denied it at all. So don't think that that's not what he said. And he apologized. What was he thinking? I mean, it's not like he was alone. I mean, he's got to learn something from the Catholics. You wait till you're alone in the vestibule for that kind of shit. I don't know. I only have guesses. One guess I did have was he has such intense scrutiny on him and he's always surrounded by, you know, it's just like a president of the United States, I guess. And I'm wondering. Yeah. And then we just saw this. We haven't seen any other behavior like this that we know of or whatever but i'm wondering if he was abused maybe like that's super messed up he should have come up with a really confusing almost like confucius type vague spiritually sounding explanation uh like something like, no, it was meant to be like you take in the spirit of the other. And all of this is an illusion because we're really souls. And he should have gone on in gibberish or sight.

He made no effort to even do that. Or he could have just said he drank his first Bud Light. Zingo! Do you remember the Dal dalai lama jokes there used to be like it was like their standard jokes here's two that i remembered uh dalai lama walks into a pizzeria he asked them to make him one with everything uh sure here's a better one why did the dalai lama go to las vegas because he loves tibet one why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas because he loves Tibet that's a fucking great joke that's like a perfect joke he loves to bed little boys yeah there you go updating it 2.0 this is a good uh opportunity to say uh our our friend Ben Stout who's uh if anyone needs an

amazing editor because the uh late late show with uh cordon's coming to an end anyway he's been there and he's been there for how many years oh no no he was with kilbourne uh as a very very young editor and then writer and then he was a writer editor because he could write things video wise like he before anyone else did it he slowed down like george bush when george bush was president and he made it he'd slowed it down in such a way and avid that he sounded shit-faced it was so funny and we did it all the time and he's also the one that would bleep uh we'd bleep al gore which led in my opinion to um jimmy kimmel doing unnecessary censorship because that was one of our best bits on.

Anyway, did Corden, and then Ferguson loved him, and then Corden. So anyway. So he's been on Late Show for like 15 years. Yes. Wow. Longer. Longer, believe it or not. So anyway, he pitched a bit Mad Libs.

I'm just going to read his email. Mad Libs, right? I'm just going to read his email. Mad Libs. You make a Mad Lib based on a headline and see if Greg's guesses are more or less crazy than the actual headline. So the example he gave was, I would say, Greg, give me a famous person, male, and then it's has, and then give me a verb ending in ed. After a video showed him, give me a verb ending in E.D. after a video showed him. Give me a verb ending in I.N.G. and then give me a noun on the give me a part of the body and asking him to verb my part of the body. And so you would fill all those in. The actual headline was the Dalai Lama has apologized after a video emerging,

showing the spiritual leader, kissing a child on the lips and then asking him to suck my tongue. So even though you would give me the craziest things, like it wouldn't be crazier than that. All right. Let's do that next week. All right. We're going to do that. I'll,

I'll be responsible for the mad lib next week. All right, good. I did a Dilbert. I wrote a Dilbert this year. We'll going to do that. I'll be responsible for the Mad Lib next week. All right, good. I did a Dilbert. I wrote a Dilbert this year. We'll get to that later. A lot of teasing in this show. You can't turn it off. No. Let's go down to this day in history. Yeah. Heavy, heavy, dark day. President Abraham Lincoln is shot in the head at Ford's Theater on April 14, 1865.

The assassin actor John Wilkes Booth shouted, Six semper tyrannis, ever thus to tyrants. The South is avenged. As he jumped onto the stage and fled on horseback, Lincoln died the next morning. Booth remained in the North during the war, despite his Confederate sympathies, initially plotted to capture Lincoln and take him to Richmond, the Confederate capital. However, the day of the planned kidnapping, the president failed to appear on the spot where Booth and his six fellow conspirators lay in wait. Two weeks later, Richmond fell to Union forces. In April, with the Confederate army near collapse

across the South, Booth hatched a desperate plan to save the Confederacy. Learning that Lincoln was to attend Laura Keane's acclaimed performance at Ford's Theater on April 14th, he plotted the simultaneous assassinations of Lincoln, Vice President Andrew Johnson, and Secretary of State William H. Seward. By murdering the president and two of his possible successors, Booth and his conspirators hoped to throw the U.S. government into a paralyzing disarray. Anyway, so his conspirators fucked up. Oneed out one missed killing the guy uh and then he uh he escaped washington and it was he was later he was later found in a barn and they told him to come out and surrender or they'd burn it down so he didn't come out and they fucking burned it down

and they shot and killed him while he was still in the barn uh and then they hunted then they hunted down his mother uh three four of the co-conspirators and the mother and they hung the mother hung everybody no they didn't yes mary surratt was the was the the he wasn't uh booth's mother was one of the conspirators john sir John Surratt's. And people thought that might have been a miscarriage of justice. Do you remember, in my house, this was like if there was an internet, it was the space around our telephone where there was a bulletin board where you would put things up. And my mom used to like to put up kind of cute

or interesting things and she had up the comparison between all the um all the uh the the uh similarities between lincoln and kennedy's assassination the coincidences yeah the list is really long lincoln and kennedy each have seven letters okay no big deal both presidents were elected to congress in 46 and late later to the presidency in 60 both assassins john wilkes booth and lee harvey oswald were born in 39 and were both known by three names composed of 15 letters booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Both assassins were Southerners.

Both of the president's successors were named Johnson and born in 08. Both Lincoln and Kennedy were particularly concerned with civil rights and made their views strongly known. Both presidents were shot in the head on a Friday. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who told him not to go to the Ford Theater. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln and told him not to go to Dallas. Both Oswald and Booth were assassinated before they could be put on trial. Isn't that crazy? It seems like Kennedy should have seen this coming.

Yeah. Hold on. Frank, how many letters do you have in your name? Jesus Christ, I'm not going to Dallas. And I gotta fire this bitch Lincoln. Wait, you don't even have wasn't

Kennedy in a Lincoln car? I think that's right. I believe. Oh, or a Ford? Because the Ford, something. There was something with the cars also. Denman, what was he driving in?

What was he driving? All right. While he looks it up, let's get to some. Oh, it was a Lincoln Continental. 1961 Lincoln Continental. Wow. I do know this. I did read this fact about that.

Do you know that that car, they cleaned up the blood and the brains and it stayed in service. And at least two, I think at least two more presidents, I think even through Reagan, were driven around in it. Did they get the dents from Jackie's knees out of the back trunk? It had that old president smell, which is, you know, nice, nice tradition and everything. Yeah. All right, where are we going? Let's do some letters to the editor.

Woo! I think we already did this one. Did we do this one? There's more coincidences than that, by the way. But that's a lot. Send them in if you got them, people. Send them in. Elizabeth Brown said, did we do this one? Was there a time where you guys were doing a dating show for Dennis?

Yes, we did this one was there a time where you guys were doing a dating show for dennis i thought we did this one okay um you said that the chat gpt has listened to 99 997 episodes of your podcast how did it gain access to the early episodes that are behind a paywall or are you assuming that they're out there somewhere for free? Oh, I thought she was going to ask, how did it not kill itself? Yeah. Hey. Here's one from Christian the Christian. Oh, you read that last week. You read that last week, Chris is saying.

All right. No, I didn't. All right. You guys can fight it out. No, because the thing about that he was a pro-life reformed Christian living in Nashville, Tennessee, and he came to my show in Louisville. No, no, the ChatGPT. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

All right, go ahead. What do we got? What's this one? I'm a 30-year-old Trump-voting pro-life Reformed Christian living in Nashville. My hometown is Louisville, Kentucky. I heard you were performing there. I made it. I was not disappointed by your show.

In fact, we all absolutely loved it. Additionally, as a Christian, I had one other question I wanted to ask you in person. I wanted to shake your hand, look you in the eye, and ask Greg, would you like any marijuana or mushrooms while you're staying in Louisville? My good friend grows all of it, and it's the bomb. Well, I guess I didn't come out after I almost always come out after the show. I forget why I didn't come out after that show. Um, but anyway, PS, I work in Nashville's premier jazz club, Rudy's jazz room. Hold on jazz. The song of the devil. All right. And his lady would like to spend an evening there,

I would be happy to get him tickets and reserve the best table in the house. It's a great spot for a date night. There you go. This sounds like a set. Am I going to be shot in the head like Lincoln in a theater? This sounds like he's heard the way I talk about certain Christians or Catholics, actually, mostly, because I used to be one.

He's probably going to try to get you to smoke the reefers. He is a Christian pushing drugs across state lines. So he's my kind of Christian. But this is truly Christian of him to know that I have my doubts

about his belief system and still being so kind. That's very nice of him. You gonna do it? I would do that. I didn't even there's so much I don't know about Nashville, but I did not know about Rudy's Jazz Room. We're also trying to get you to

fucking do comedy there. I know. I already talked to my agent a few weeks ago. I said, set it up. Set it up. So we'll see. Well, Christian, I might take you up on that. That's so nice. And yeah, I'd love to experience any club.

And this is too good an offer to pass up. I bet there's some great, there's blurred lines. And every kind of genre music, it's jazzy. I wonder if they have any hybrid Americicana meets kind of a jazz take because i always thought the the time that um i think i've told you joe tenetti my my friend from hackley where your sister and brother went um he was the first one that told me kind of how to listen to the allman brothers he's like you got to think jazz it's the two guitarists and they're feeling their way through these exploratory jams and layers and, and how it was so much more advanced than one would think of Southern rock.

Yeah. So anyway, very cool. I appreciate that. I might take you up on it. All right, let's get to the obituaries. Oh, here we go. Here we go. And that's all folks

probably reading one i'll be reading one of these about you after this crazy jazz night you're going to shot right in the head al jaffe was a cartoonist beloved by generations of mad magazine readers for features including his iconic fold-in drawings he died at the age of 102 wow the fold-in drawings. He died at the age of 102. The fold-in was one of the most popular of Jaffe's creations for MAD, a reversal of the three-page fold-outs that were around. Do you remember those? You fold the page in the back three times? Yes.

So sometimes they were sight gags, but he also used the platform for social and political commentary. A drawing of 1964 Republican presidential hopefuls, Barry Goldwater and Nelson Rockefeller, folded in to become nominee Richard Nixon. A Vietnam era image of soldiers at war, folded in to reveal a hypodermic needle and a cautionary piece against drug use. I remember that one i think

i might own that one i have i have 1975 mad magazine from 75 to like 78 i have like almost all of them and they're in pretty good shape huh um so he was he worked there from 55 until 2019. He's the longest contributor to the magazine. He also created, remember Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions? I vaguely remember that, yeah. It was literally just that. It was a situation. Like one of them was like a waiter saying to a couple,

table for how many? And then the husband would stand there and there would be like five talk bubbles above his head and each one was another snappy answer. Like, one, my wife will sit on my shoulders. Or 112, we like to change seats every few minutes. It was very Jewish sticky, like it had hard punchlines. And it was very smart. he oh my god he was the

best so he grew up in Savannah Georgia and then they when he was young he moved to Lithuania his mother moved them there and then they fled when the Nazi party came in uh he so then he went to he went to the high school of music and art in New York, a member of the new school's first class, which has produced so many famous people at that school. And he was in the very first class there. He met up with Harvey Kurtzman, who was the founder of Mad Magazine. So they knew each other since they were like 14 and then worked together for like 70 years.

The Colbert Report observes his 85th birthday with a cake inspired by the Folden. It read, Al, you have repeatedly shown artistry and care of great credit to your field. But when the center was removed, the message that remained was, Al, you are old.

That's a very nice tribute. That's very cool. And one of his quotes was, when you expose hypocrisy or nonsense or plain old stupidity, you want to do it in a way that makes the reader connect the dots. Don't tell the joke. Just hint at the joke. If you over explain it, it's no good. Just like us. We're subtle. We make people work for the joke, right? He would have been the worst sitcom writer ever.

Yeah, right. No, the best, but the most unsuccessful in terms of this town. All right, let's get to the funnies. We've got to cheer up after Al Jaffe died. Here we go, here we go. All right, and this is Dilbert. Dilbert is crushing a Bud Light can, drops it into a pile of looks like about a dozen

other empties and he says he she it I don't give a flying fuck just as long as you call me white I was waiting till the racial component and there was a last word. Yeah, that's the Bud Light talking. Tilbert is slowly becoming my favorite cartoon, comic. Yeah, it's got traction. Of course, Leroy and Loretta are at the doctor, and the doctor's examining Leroy. And Leroy says to the doctor, can you cure all my symptoms except loss of taste?

She's a bad cook, Mike. I like it. I like that one a lot. And now Leroy's walking away with a briefcase in his hand and his suit on. And Loretta says to her friend, I worry about Leroy retiring. The only thing holding us together is the 40 hours a week we're apart, which is so funny because you, I heard that in Florida so much, like, uh, these old couples talking about how it was such an adjustment when they retired and they were actually together all the time with, with no, you know, it's not like you're bringing stories from work home or you know you can bitch about

your boss to your husband you know it's just nothing except the news and an occasional call from a kid the jason i know that's why i'm like i think don't wives i mean stereotypically i i know a lot of women like your mom play golf, but don't, I imagine wives stop complaining about husbands playing golf when retirement comes around. Yeah, I would imagine. I would imagine. I like them getting out of the house. Yeah.

Please, please leave me for four hours. Yeah. You got to see these guys flirting with my mom down there. There, there was one guy who was telling my mom, his wife is standing right there and he goes, Pat, if it wasn't for her, I would be with you right now. And I had a couple questions. Number one, what does your wife think of you flirting with my mother and saying that? Number two, did you ask my mom if she's interested in you?

Why is it just assumed you'd be together if you didn't have this wife? Well, if he's going to kill his wife for your mom, that's so flattering. I imagine your mom would be charmed, right? It's hard to resist that. The guy's committed so hard. Plus the insurance money. They'd be living high on the hog. Yeah.

All right, speaking of the hog, Hager is standing at his door. Lucky shows up and he goes, I hear there's a maiden locked in a tower. And Hager uncharacteristically says, so? Like, what? There is a rape situation before us, Lucky?

Yeah. And so Lucky goes, just beyond Old's Tavern. So they said, okay, let's get going. And there's a tower and a woman saying, help, save me. And Lucky goes, it's Rapunzel. And then Hager says, let down your hair.

And then she lets her hair down. And then Hager goes, my friend will climb up and help you escape. And then Lucky goes, I forgot about my fear of heights. And then she says, I will reward my rescuer with an abundance of riches. And then Lucky starts climbing up her hair and says, I just remembered my greatest fear, debt. That is not the incentive that she should be giving. We know why he's climbing up that hair.

Yeah. He wants to see if the curtains, the very long curtains match the carpet. That could be the carpet that she's hanging out the window. Women didn't groom back then. Yeah, this is a pretty timid one. Yeah. Starts out.

Starts out. I didn't know where it was going when it started. I was surprised where it didn't go. Oh, I'm going to look up. Hold on a minute, one sec. Someone sent a list someone emailed us a uh list of someplace gathered the top 10 far sides and it was or did you do it no someone sent it in and i forwarded it to you i know but i got your email and it doesn't say who it's forwarded to you. I know, but I got your email and it doesn't say who it's forwarded from. So

that's why I don't have it. So anyway, this is on that list. And of course, one of their favorites was, which we've already done the school for the gifted and the kid is pushing on the pull door. I love that, but I had never seen this one. And so it's God in like a kitchen, right? And you see him making the earth. He's making earth and it's in a pan and you can see that it's like a globe in the pan. medium skinned people light skinned people dark skinned people trees reptiles and he has another one and he's shaking this new ingredient on the earth and uh the quote his thought bubble is and just to make it interesting and he's shaking on jerks i mean that that is fucking good yeah i mean that is just so smart yep it's it's great doesn't disappoint oh here's who disappoints fucking dagwood sitting in a chair reading a paper like like like he wants to be informed like Dagwood's the guy that you talk to about current events and such. I don't know what section that idiot reads.

Probably the comics. And so he goes to Blondie. Blondie's wearing a top, partially obscured by the paper. And it's like a bright green, almost like the color of a highlighter pen. And he says, who called a few minutes ago? And she goes, nobody. It was a spam call. Second frame, they're just both reading.

Third frame, he goes, suddenly I'm hungry. Like, okay, so your wife is clearly out of dire need fucking somebody else. Finally. And instead you're thinking about food yeah i mean she literally it was it was a spam call you're buying that dagwood yeah it was a cold call did you say cold cuts yeah uh yeah that's yeah not questioning. But he's not questioning. He's not even smart enough to be jealous.

Yeah. Or suspicious. Right. And who would hear the word spam and get hungry? It makes people nauseous. That's how. Yeah. Well, it's hard to tell what's weaker, ver this week's uh edition this week's comic or

just dagwood pearls before swine i think the phrase is what is that saying again pearls before swine and it means what it's like pigs looking at a pearl necklace. They can't appreciate it. Is that what it means? I believe so. All right. I'll stand by that. You're going to grill me on it. Okay.

All right, listen. You can't put lipstick on a pig? Is that what you're referring to? No, that's different. That means you're trying to dress something up that's shitty. I do know that one yeah all right all right listen i'm very excited about the thousandth episode i really hope you guys all tune in on tuesday with my surprise guest it's a big celebrity and we do something kind of fun to celebrate and uh and also don't forget mike can tell you about these pants. Tell them about the pants, Mike.

Oh, man. You got to go do the bird dog pants. You don't have it in the school. We'd have to go way up here and reiterate. I'll tell you right now. You go to birddogs.com, enter promo code PAPERS. They'll give you a free Yeti-style tumbler. All right.

Also, I might get them. It's hot when I'm going to be traveling. enter promo code PAPERS they'll give you a free Yeti style tumbler alright also I might get them it's hot when I'm going to be traveling they also seem like the perfect travel pants for every reason I described

you can wash them in the hotel sink they're going to be dry by morning yeah Bert Kreischer has a pair of their shorts and he swims in them and then he hangs out

and barbecues and hangs out all night in them yep they come with the liner in them we want to thank midcoast media yes chris denman and beth and key and john especially key because i know i didn't have my headphones plugged in for 30 minutes and i don't know what she's going to do to fix that but uh thank you for the extra effort um all right mike i'll be back on sunday and i'll see you when i get back okay until then you should take it eesh take it eesh nice sunday paper sunday paper sunday papers yeah read all about it