Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 164 5/14/23

Episode Date: May 14, 2023

Tough week for the GOP. We try to go easy but… Also, Bobby De Niro has a future orphan at 79, a FLA man has quite a night out, and ChatGPT is picking stocks better than the experts.

H6 is going And we're going to clap in. Look at my lighting. It looks fucking good today. H6, your H6 is going. H6 is going. And then you're going to clap. Clapping in five. In three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it.

Okay. A lot of Republicans in the news this week, but we're not going to take an opinion because they're trying to stay neutral. We don't want to alienate listeners. But it's going to be hard this week. All right, I didn't hear you, so, man, let's fucking go at the right this week, dude.

Well, look, we'll get into it. Let's just say that's a teaser. So I'm not sure how sensitive you guys are, but there are some stories about Republicans. You may want to switch over to WTM with Marc Maron for a little while. It's the lead story is Trump, which I loved. I don't think you saw it. I watched the town hall.

It was great. But this is what I will say. If you go to my, I got to find this dude. If you go to my Instagram, which is Gibbons Time, I posted this guy. It's called Lee Valley Workshop. L-E-H-I-G-H Valley Workshop. Anyway, this guy goes on rants. I sent him to you a long time ago.

Yeah, it's great. He goes on rants while you're watching B-roll of his woodworking, which is top shelf. No pun intended. And he's really funny and dry. And he, I guess, it doesn't even really matter, but I guess he did this one post reacting to the latest mass shooting and about like, you know, maybe some gun reform in the laws and everyone went ballistic. delivers to camera without the woodworking this the most articulate explanation i've ever heard about why people go to vitriol and anger and why there can't be a focus on the topics and it's either all or nothing so anyway if you go to my instagram it's in my stories oh it shit um

no go to go to him because it's not going to be in there by the time this airs. We should say when we're doing this. We're taping this on March 11th, which is a Thursday, because you have your niece's graduation tomorrow. Congratulations. That's a big deal. USC. Yep.

So anyway, I'll finish on this. Lehigh Valley Workshop. Find him on Instagram. You'll see the post where he's wearing a hat, and it's really impressive. And it's not partisan. It's about the tone of politics in general. Yeah, and how you should be open to hearing the other side without being outrageously offended, and that's on both sides.

And then Saturday we can't tape because I will be directing for the first time a stand-up special for another comedian. I love it. I love it. I'm very excited. It's been a lot of fun. The guy's name is Zane Lamprey. He's a storyteller.

He does his shows in breweries because his following are a bunch of, like, you know, beer lovers, and he's got great stories. So I've been working with him for the past week. I went out and saw one of his shows, and I've seen some of his videos of his shows, and we're just figuring out the shots. I feel bad because I'm a joke writer, and I see spots for jokes, so I keep emailing him jokes. But I realize that may not be the best thing for him right now

because I don't want to put shit in his head at the last minute and have him distracted. Too late. I know. I should have been doing this with him three weeks ago so he could have worked on the jokes. But I think he'll throw some in and it'll be good. You're in the wings on Saturday before he goes out.

He's like, no, listen, just floating it. What if you closed with your opener? No, I did. I switched a bit from the middle of his set to the front, and that's already fucking with him because, you know, as a stand-up, you get ready for a special for months, and you try to lock the set down exactly, and when you make one change, you're just in your head

instead of it being loose. Right, right, right, right. I'm probably ruining a special. But anyway, we'll be doing that. It'll be too late by the time you hear this, but that's Saturday night down in Huntington Beach. And, yeah, I think I like doing it. I can see wanting to do this more.

That would be great. I think you'd be great at it. Yeah. I mean, I think I could add definitely creatively more than camera shots. I'm not really a tech guy, but most specials, there's a, there's a, there's a DP anyway. There's a guy who's running the cameras. So you just kind of work with him on the look. There are only so many variations on how to shoot stand-up yeah let's say there's five and uh and some aren't

even that different and uh so that would be that would be easy that you're right that's not where the value is in getting a director right right it's. It's like not, you know, oh, wow, the camera was moving. It was trucking versus just, you know, a medium shot. That static. No one... If you don't notice the directing,

you've done a good job. Exactly. Like, I remember Spike Lee directing Gerard Carmichael, and it became like a fucking Fellini film. It was like, can we just lock off from his belt buckle to the top of his head?

That should be 70% of the shots. Right. Um, so anyway, so we're going to do that. And then, um, and then I'm off to Rogan's club this weekend.

Unbelievable. Yeah. And I, I just hearing great things. Eric Griffin just got back. He said it was amazing. Pauly shore. I was just hearing great things. Eric Griffin just got back. He said it was amazing. Pauly Shore. I saw Pauly Shore last night. He said it was amazing. And his club is sold out? Sold out. I think like through the summer. I have some people I want to put on the guest list and I hope I can get them in. It's like the cool kids

click move to town, you know, all of austin wants to be there yeah yeah and he just built it to be a great room you know the acoustics and the lighting and the side this yeah i remember louis ck came in they were about to open a month later and louis ck came in and he's like no you gotta raise the stage or i forget i think it was something like raise the stage so they pushed the opening back a month so they could do the construction and raise the stage well that's perfect that's artist for that's artist first yeah yeah that's what it is uh what's going on with you picket line man yeah um so i went the other day did i did we talk about this last week? The writer's guilt

strike? A little bit. No, no, no. That, so I, anyway, I go on the line, run into some friends. It was great. But all of a sudden the next day I get a text and it was put your phone down. Oh, I saw that picture. And I'm like what what is he talking about then i look at the picture on the front page of the hollywood reporter i'm on the picket line with my phone and a starbucks and it's like i couldn't have been a softer like i am the softest union picketer that ever existed right and i'm still wearing my jacket because I took my scooter. Again, this is not helping. I took my scooter over because of parking. So it was, you know, cold when I left.

Anyway, it was, I just wanted to buy every copy. Like in the old world where you'd run to newsstands. I don't want anyone to see this. Meanwhile, Starbucks is the biggest strike buster in the country. I know. That's a great point. It's like, why are we promoting them, basically, with their logo on their cups and everything and supporting them?

Yeah, I know. I was talking to Fahim Anwar. You know that comic? Yeah. Yeah. He has this idea that he's going to show up to the picket line in a limo and just get out and change his outfit from a suit to a writer's. And he had all these funny ideas. I think you could definitely shoot some funny sketches at the strike and use them to publicize the strike i mean you got all these writers the daily show writers did that in new york on the

last strike oh that's cool yeah yeah i went so was that the fox lot i was there yesterday and then after uh i had to go to the bathroom wall so then i realized rancho's right there so i pull in go in and then i'm like i'll hit a few the driving range, but it's like going from the picket line. And then, you know, I mean, it's a public course, don't get me wrong, but I then saw, I reckon it might've been, it looked like David Wayne. It looked like another, I shouldn't have him, but it looked like another writer and it might not have been him, but I recognized the guy from the picket line and we both kind of was like, like, don't look at each other. We shouldn't be here. This is not a good image. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, no, I feel bad. I haven't been out there yet because I've been

working on this pilot all week, but, um, I'm going to get out there Monday morning. Oh no, I'm playing in a golf tournament Tuesday morning. I'll be out there. What golf tournament? Are you really? Yeah, it's one of these. It's for the music industry. It's not the CMA. The National Music Publishers Association. And it's at Calabasas Country Club, which is like really swanky.

Well, you're helping artists. You'reanky. Well, you're helping artists. You're helping artists, so that's good. Yeah, I'm helping artists. And getting a nice swag bag. The swag bags of these tournaments are unbelievable. Because I'm this celebrity, which is always like there's 18 groups, and then each one has a celebrity in them. And I always walk up to the tee like, I am so sorry.

I saw Brad Paisley in the other group. Ray Romano's in the other group. And you got me. But guess what? I'm not a bad golfer. Right. Yeah. That is good.

No, and you're a fun in the round. Fun in the rounds. Lots of laughs. Oh, the barbs and the insults. Oh, speaking of which, I saw Jeff Ross last night, your dear friend. Yeah. And you guys worked on a show together absolutely and and a bunch of roasts and we're all bu graduates we went to school together

we're gonna get to be you in a little bit there's gonna be picketing at the bu commencement so he came in with this woman and this guy and they have a band called um the pretty reckless and they're they're opening for the foo fighters on their next tour and i and i said and so the the girl from the group her name is taylor momson and she's she's pretty in a very goth way and she's super tall and thin and uh and she was fun like she was hanging out in the green room with the guitarist. And they were very self-conscious because they're like, I'm a big fan of yours. And they're saying that to each of the comics.

They really knew comedy. And then I go, how did you get started in music? And she goes, well, when I was seven, I was Cindy Lou Who in the Grinch movie with Jim Carrey. And I immediately was like holy fucking shit that's you she looks exactly the same but just bigger that's fantastic

she was in a show I can't remember the show it was a CW show that was on for many years and then she just quit music quit acting and went into music and I listened to their album on the way home. It fucking rocks.

It's really good. Well, the Who's could sing. They would, you know, Whoville, you'd hear the sound all the way up the mountain. That's right. And so, yeah. And then she said that she want, I forget what it is.

She goes something about it's shocking because, you know, people know me something about it's shocking because you know people know me from that and then uh you know and then they see the nude pictures of me and i'm like in the car driving home my phone nude from from like one of her album covers she was oh okay got it yeah cindy lou whoa Oh, okay. Got it. Yeah. Cindy Lou, whoa. Cindy Lou woo-hoo. More like Cindy lewd-hoo. Lewd?

Lewd-hoo. By the way, I'm so fucking addicted. I got the New York Times app for their crossword puzzles. Yeah, the mini? No, I do the full ones. Oh, really? I spend an hour and a half a day doing crossword puzzles now. I used to, when I lived in New York,

every day I got the New York Post and the New York Times, and I'd go to the same coffee shop, and I would sit there and I would read the Post first because it was like candy, and then I would do the New York Times crossword puzzle, sometimes not reading a word of the newspaper, but doing the puzzle every day. Right. And that was my addiction.

And now it's back, but I'm doing it on my phone. Yeah, but you have so much time not going to the picket lines to do your fucking bull. I could do it online, right? Oh, yeah. Think about the resources calling out like, all right, eight down. Anybody know? It's a factory in Belize. Pencils down, Greg.

Pencils down, Greg. Yeah. No, clearly, everyone knows I'm on my phone on the picket line. That was publicized. Yeah, that's embarrassing. Yeah. But do you ever do the, is it Spelling Bee? Yes.

The one where you're trying to find as many words using the center letter as well? I do that. I do the mini. And then I still do Sudoku every day. Really? Well, I think all this stuff is good for your brain. You know, I'm getting older. I'm not as sharp as I used to be.

And they say your brain is a muscle. And you got to use it. They say doing puzzles is great for your brain. You know, I'm getting older. I'm not, I'm not as sharp as I used to be. And they say your brain is a muscle and you got to use it. They say doing puzzles is great for your, your memory. No, they do say that. And I know I've got, I've lost it for any listeners who happen to be young or even about to get old. This is when I first noticed it. I used to be able to turn things in my head, which is literally on IQ tests, I think. And, but like with a map and that's when I first noticed it, my sense of direction, which used to be flawless has started to go. And then also I would like flip a return route, like let's say, and I'm like, and in LA, whatever, this has already gotten boring, but you're trying to avoid lefts. Cause you have to fucking wait for all the oncoming traffic forever. So when I would flip a route, like

going home, say from, you know, Hollywood, I would then be like, Oh, how do I do making rights? And I could only get so far. Yeah. And then I lose that image that I flipped in my head. Yeah. So that, that's when I first noticed it. So I think it is that thing. It's not exactly a muscle, but you are firing these synapses that will get lazy and die if you're not doing it. So I think it is that thing. It's not exactly a muscle, but you are firing these synapses that will get lazy and die if you're not doing it. No, you should learn a new language. You should learn an instrument, you know, as you get older. Those aren't happening. I just, sometimes I masturbate with my left hand just to throw it up. Just to throw it up. Jesus.

Throw it up. Sounds like you're doing it wrong. I brought some love to Irishane Tanandoli, it sounds like is the name. He did our logo this week of Laurel and Hardy. Love them. I guess you're Stan Laurel, I'm Oliver Hardy. Yeah, I don't know. That surprised me. I don't know how that happened.

Yeah. But I like it. I like that that's how it panned out. By the way, we're running low on logos and songs. We love your contributions. It means a lot to us, and I think it means a lot to the listeners. So feel free to create some art or write a great song or not a great song. We've had some low-budget songs.

Send them in to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com or go to my website, FitzDawg.com, and you can email in from there. The song this week came from A Crux, A-C-R-U-X. Kind of a cool 90s techno sound. Very digital, yep. Very digital, very long. We had to pull a clip from it. The full length will be heard at the end of the show.

47 minutes. Let's get to some corrections here. Here we go. Okay. This is from Dickie, who is full disclosure, as any good media outlet, you have to disclose when you have a connection with somebody. Dickie is a good friend of ours, and he is the owner and CEO of Rosie's Bagels, which if you live on the west side and you want—

I think he's co-owner and assistant. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. So if you're interested in getting some warm, delicious Montreal-style bagels that are boiled in molasses, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside.

With all kinds of spreads, lox, and different cream cheeses delivered to your door. If you live on the west side of L.A., go to rosiesbagelsla.com. Look at you. And they're not a sponsor. We should make that loud and clear.

That's how genuine this is. So he says, I'm submitting a Sunday Papers correction, not for you guys, but for the ghost of Tom Chode. First of all, don't bitch about Springsteen if your email is a pun of a Springsteen song. Second, this is referring to we got an email from a guy last

week, ghost of Tom Chode. Second, a cover band covers already recorded asterisk hits. No one ever went to see Three Dog Night and was like, this is good, but I prefer the Hoyt Axton recording. Exactly.

And finally, since when is this a music podcast? We listen for the cool stories, the great jokes, and the wild inaccuracies. Oh, fuck Rosie's Bagels then. They suck. Soggy. You want to hear about the shitty new music that's out today? Go listen to Meghan Trainor's podcast or some shit.

But I digress. I'm very cranky from picketing all week. Good for you, Dickie. Yeah. I love that all of us middle-aged straight white guys are out there picketing for jobs we're never going to get. We're done. We're generous. Also, a few suggestions for new music in the genre that i think you guys like inhaler which is bono's son's band which i listened to

fucking great it's it's like you two with a kind of a fresh new sound. Okay. Kid's got a great voice. It's very full sound, just like you two. Well, this backfired on Dickie because now we're a music podcast. Right. Mount Joy, White Reaper, Boy Genius, I like. Her, H-E-R, heard of them. Maggie Rogers, The revivalists and talk. Boy, genius is on tour right now, warming up for Taylor Swift.

And when I was in Nashville over the weekend, which Taylor Swift calls home, even though she moved there. I didn't know Taylor Swift's origin story. Do you know it? She a mall rat? No, I'm going to. No, no, no, no. I'm going to get some of this wrong, but it's generally right. Rich parents and her dad had a hand in either buying a ton of her albums to get the number up on her first effort or had a hand in a label. I think that's right. I've heard that, too. Had a hand in the label. I think that's right.

I've heard that too. And she asked them to move to Nashville as a, you know, she was a young teen, I think, for her career. And anyway, that happened. But anyway, boy, genius is warming up for three nights. So there was a storm one of the nights and the whole town was talking because really young kids go to these shows and make their parents bring them. Right. Lightning delayed the show for, I think, three hours or two and a half.

She played her whole show and finished at 2 a.m. Wow. Okay. And all the little kids were disasters. Oh, God. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I don't like her music, but I respect her hustle. We're disasters. Oh, God. Yeah. I'll tell you what.

I don't like her music, but I respect her hustle. She is a pro. Always has been. Yeah, she's prolific. And then he goes on to say, not new, but their latest albums are incredible. Lana Del Rey. Lana Del Rey sucks. I like Lana Del Rey.

Really? Yeah. Jason Isbell. Yes. But that's because I'm a cutter. Yeah, yeah, yes. I say yeah, yeah, yeah to that. And The National. I've never heard of The National. You've never heard of The National?

Nope. Oh, yeah. No, big, big band. And the new album, yeah, just dropped. Maybe they'll write a theme song for our show. Oh, maybe I can get the Pretty Reckless to write a song for our show. They're warming up for the Foo Fighters. Maybe they'll squeeze it in. This one comes from Bob Pedersen, who is always a little persnickety.

Bob Pedersen, who is always a little persnickety. Greg was talking about Jerry Rafferty and Gordon Lightfoot. He really blew it when he said the band's name was Steelers Wheels. Come on, Greg. Jerry Rafferty was in Steelers Wheels, but I think maybe he's referring to, I think it's Steelers Wheel. But that's the kind of person Bob Patterson is. He stays awake for nights after nights over an extra S. And I guess I said Banty about other than Bandy.

Screwed the pooch with the phrase Bandy about. He said both Banty about and Bantying. This was a tough listen. I might've done that. Really tough. Hey, I got off the hook. This was a tough listen. I might have done that. Really tough. Hey, I got off the hook. You skipped a correction here, which was, it wasn't me with Chloe Sevigny.

It was Eric Griffin. Oh, right. So your guest on a podcast, that's who didn't know who she was. Because I'm like, what are you talking about? I totally know who she is. Okay. All right. I cross-pollinated my podcast.

Oh, and then here's a correction. Please tell Mike, Kate Bush's song was in Stranger Things. I. All right. I cross-pollinated my podcast. Oh, and then here's a correction. Please tell Mike K. Bush's song was in Stranger Things. I actually corrected myself. I remember that during the podcast. You originally said euphoria, and then you corrected yourself. So that's Joanne. So I think what happens is when Joanne hears me get anything wrong, she's out. She stops listening.

Yeah. So I got to be careful. We got to keep Joanne till the end. And then we got Douglas Hoffman Esquire, which I've given him shit about putting Esquire at the end of his name, but he defends it to the end. I think he

might have legally changed his last name to comma ESQ, period. Yeah. Mike was talking about the afterlife in a movie where two stars were talking to each other. The movie he was thinking of was the beginning of It's a Wonderful Life, where the angel Gabriel is speaking to Clarence who needs to get his wings. The lights illuminate when each person speaks. Yes, that's what it was. The lights. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

I forgot what I was trying because there's tons of movies with angels talking. But yeah, that's what it was. The lights, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. I forgot what I was trying to, because there's tons of movies with angels talking, but yeah, that was it, the lights. Speaking of lights, I'll be under the bright lights in Columbia, Missouri at the Blue Note on May 19th. Tickets are a little light. Let's tell some friends and get out to Columbia, Missouri.

Next night in Kansas City at the Argosy Casino, May 20th. Tickets are selling very nicely. Austin, the mothership, May 25th through 27th, I believe is sold out. Boston, Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. Let's sell that out. That's my home. That's where I started. And then Point Pleasant, I will be at Uncle Vinny's on July 22nd and 23rd. I hope that's a club. I hope that's a club. I think it's like where Jersey Shore was taped.

Like Point Pleasant, I talked to Dan Brickner yesterday, who lives in Philly. And he's like, oh, yeah. He's like, yeah, you're going to like Point Pleasant. It's the Jersey Shore. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah, I think Tom O'Neill goes there. I'm going in a day early, and I'm going to go hang out with Dan and play some golf if you want to fly in. Uncle Vinny's, July 22nd and 23rd?

Yeah, I'm flying in on the 20th. To Philadelphia? Yeah, and I'm going to stay with Brickner. I love it there. Come on down. Okay. I think I'll. Come on down. Okay. I think I'll get beat up. All right.

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Because the prices go down at the end. It's like a clearinghouse. So it's not as stressful. It's easy to buy the tickets. It can be sports, music, comedy, theater. I'm just looking at like the act right now. It's perfect for last-minute tickets especially. Yeah.

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He's playing at the Greek on the 28th. How much are those? 73. Really? Yeah. I didn't know there were Latinos in Los Angeles. Tom Pop is getting 58 bucks a pop in Anaheim. I don't see me

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Front page. Tucker Carlson. Let me just read you. Last week we mentioned one of his quotes uh but here's the full here's the full thing he said a couple weeks ago i was watching video of people fighting on the street in washington a group of trump guys surrounded an antifa kid and started pounding the living shit out of them it was three against one at least jumping a guy like that is dishonorable, obviously. It's not how white men fight.

Yet suddenly I found myself rooting for the mob against the man, hoping they'd hit him harder. Kill him. I really wanted them to hurt the kid. I could taste it. I mean, this is a depraved dude. His politics and his partisanship is so toxic. And yet so many people are taking their marching orders from him.

No, he has that laugh. There's something wrong. Like they put together montages of it. It's like a crazy cackle. And it's from all this pent up rage in my, or energy, let's just say energy. I personally think it's rage, but something is seriously tightly wound in that guy. What did he get fired for, by the way? Cause I get the sense there was stuff we didn't hear about. because he got fired pretty easily considering he's the top guy at the network.

In my opinion, when the voting machine, when the lawsuit was happening, then there was a lot of redacted statements. And I think the redacted statements, in my opinion, i think some of those might have gotten to fox and it was bad bad enough to fire and cancel their number one show that's how bad well here's how bad it is a soulless company shut down their number one money maker. Yep. And here's what it is. He knowingly, and this is what all the text showed, knowingly propagated false information that is destroying the democracy. And it's nothing short of that.

That is not an overstatement. I know. I wonder what his, you know, his announcements. So here's the first story. Tucker Carlson announces he's bringing his show to Twitter. Ousted Fox News host Tucker Carlson posted a video on Twitter on Tuesday saying, we're back in the clip. While accusing the media of telling lies, Carlson announced he will be bringing his show to Twitter, which he called the only free speech platform left in the world. Carlson's announcement came after he reportedly sent Fox News a host of demands regarding his old contract and accused the network of, quote, fraud and breach of contract. An apparent attempt to strengthen his position ahead of a legal battle regarding his non-compete clause. Quote, amazingly, as of tonight, there aren't many platforms left that allow free speech. The last big one remaining in the world, the only one is

Twitter, where we are now, Carlson says, after ripping into the media for well over a minute. Is he intimating that, I wonder if he's trying to clear himself that, like, he couldn't be honest and say he hated Trump because Fox wouldn't let him. Is that what he's saying? I'm not sure what that means. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Yeah, but it sounds like he's attacking Fox. It sounds like he's attacking, like, all media. And that's not how a white man gets fired. I don't think he's going to do as well on Twitter because he might be the least racist person on Twitter. It's a crowded field. Yeah, it is. You're in a big pond now.

Yeah, it's a race to the bottom. So, yeah. All right. Enough about that guy. Let's get to Boston University. WGA, the Writers Guild of America, to picket the Warner Brothers discovery chief David Zaslav's commencement speech at Boston University. Students at BU will have to cross a Writers Guild picket line to attend their May 21st graduation ceremony where Warner Brothers, blah, blah, blah. He's an alumnus of the school

and will be making the commencement address. The Guild previously had warned the school that its members would picket there if he were allowed to speak, but BU officials decided to let him give his address anyway. I went and read the comments and the comments were... Where were the comments? In the newspaper, the comments. No, this was an online story and I think it was deadline, which is, you know, our industry sort of,

uh, uh, but it's a big, it's a big periodical, I guess you could say. So anyway, um, a lot of back and forth, like, is that the place? And a lot of people responding, you know, picket lines shouldn't be asking where it's appropriate to picket. And it's not about the students and it's about raising over blah, blah, blah. But this is the best. So here's one guy. It's called WGA BU grad. Dumbest idea ever.

Leave the students out of it. Good way to make us look unlikable just a photo in the boston globe of some striker screaming while caps and gowns walk around come on guys do better than that then an anonymous person can i just tell you can i just tell you how much i fucking hate the phrase do better than that or be better than that or i'm gonna do better it's yeah i had this guy email me at the website telling me that i made a joke about how some guy's wife is cheating on him and fucking a black guy and yeah my i think it probably was a little inappropriate but the guy writes me this long email be better than that be better than that and i and i was going to

respond originally i was like yeah you're right you make a point that was probably so but then i saw that line i was like i i don't want to deal with somebody who says that it turns out you're not better than that i'm not i'm worse than that so anonymous uh responds to this comment and says, you are not a WGA BU grad. These comments are hilarious and smell like studio desperation. And then the anonymous then an anonymous person goes, lived in Sleeper Hall and Stuvie. Guess you must have gone to CGS, which is the College of General Studies. Yeah. Which which is a joke at Boston University. How do I know?

I was in that school, and so were you. And guess who else went to that school? Which we should say what it is before we say. It is a two-year remedial program at BU where if you can barely get in, they say, all right, we're going to let you in, but you have to go to high school for two years. And they give you science and math and history, and you have the same group of kids for two years that are your classmates. And guess who else went to that school? Jeff Ross?

My father. Oh, wow. And my sister. Really? It changed names a sister. It changed, really? Yeah. It changed names a few. When did she go? Did I know this?

Yeah, she was two years behind us. Oh, God. That was my blackout years. So it used to be called CBS, as in boy, because it was College of Basic Studies. So insulting. Oh, no, no. So when we were there, people would be like, and you didn't really know the full reputation. And you're like, where are you? Oh, my God, CBS. They're like, oh,

coloring book school. Yeah. Yeah. Or the president's name was Silber and the other one was couldn't bribe Silber. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's so funny that it's still an insult literally on May 11th, 2023 at 11.4 a.m. when this comment was left. But I will tell you this. I probably the biggest meeting I've ever had in this town was a one on one meeting with Jeffrey Katzenberg. had in this town was a one-on-one meeting with Jeffrey Katzenberg. And I was called up to the DreamWorks campus, DreamWorks animation. And, uh, and there we are in the room and I had done a little research. And anyway, he gave a shit ton of money to the college of general studies. No shit. studies. No shit. His kids, I think both went there and he said they were directionless. They really didn't have the best high school education. He goes, I probably had a hand in that, you know, with, you know, they were very well off obviously. And maybe didn't think they had a triad. He goes, but what that school did, which is their claim, is they teach you how to learn.

And I'd have to say I was pretty impressed with a lot of the teachers there. Oh, the teachers were amazing. They were like top shelf. And it totally turned me into a student. It turned me, not just somebody who could do the classes, but I was curious. It made me curious. It made me passionate. It made me I was learning for learning's sake, which is the reason why you should be in college. And it was much less about the answers than why do you think that and how did you get there? Like how what was your approach? Yeah. And and the science guys were kind of my, I remember the first one I went to,

like the first line I heard was like, you know, and I know it's, it's a common one, but like the donut doesn't have a hole. The hole has a donut. And I'm like, what? I should not smoke pot before school anymore. And the science guy was this little skinny guy that wore a tie and he had the craziest white guy afro it was like a foot and a half tall and his name was dr shock do you remember that guy oh yeah doc shock yes so anyway uh now my sister i'm going to you mentioned it earlier i'm going to, you mentioned it earlier. I'm going to, uh, USC's graduation tomorrow. I forget the guy's name, but the head of Marvel studios is speaking at that commencement. What has happened to this country? Yeah.

Anyway, it makes a little more sense at USC, but I guess that guy went to BU. Who and I give up? How about some intellects? But anyway, um, this, so I'm wondering if that's going to be picketed because, boy, it's a lot easier than Boston. I'll do it. I just want to see you guys cross. I can't pick it because I'm going in and supporting it. Yeah, I want to see you cross my line.

Good fucking luck. I'm going to be wearing goalie equipment, a shiv, billy club. All right, what do we got? Here's your story. Groomer. We got a Texas state representative who crusaded against the concern about LGBTQ plus sign. I don't even know what plus sign means. People grooming of kids resigned from office Monday after an investigation found that he himself groomed and plied a 19-year-old staffer

on his team with alcohol and then had sex with her. Brian Slayton, a 45-year-old straight married state representative from Austin who is a former pastor, had sex with a young staffer at his apartment complex after consuming alcohol at Slayton's apartment before the encounter, the 19-year-old reported feeling, quote, really dizzy and having split vision. And this, by the way, there were several other women that came forward that the same thing happened to, all like 19 years old.

And he said, after stepping down, I look forward to spending more time with my young family and will continue to find ways to serve my community and all citizens across our great state. Yeah. No, thank you, said the community. Yeah. And his family's like, I look forward to spending some awkward, resentful time with my family, especially my teenage daughter, who's the age of the girl I molested. Oh, I think this tracks.

What if the LGBTQ groomers beat him to these teenagers? Right. You know what I mean? He was doing them a favor. I think he'd still have his way plying them with drinks and allegedly drugging them. I mean, is that the implication here? plying them with drinks and allegedly drugging them? I mean, is that the implication here?

I mean, the whole idea that gay people are molesters at a higher rate than straight people are is a fallacy. It just makes you uncomfortable. I just love when it doesn't matter what side, but when someone is protesting too loudly, as they say, all of a sudden you find out what's in their closet. I vote we skip- Like all the pastors. I vote we skip this next story.

Can we say what it was? We can. can. If you haven't seen the highlights from Trump's New Hampshire town hall, where it was GOP primary voters were there, it is quite a show. And Greg, we were talking about, we've kind of missed this guy, which is a very, very sensitive thing thing to say or like it could be could offend people who are sensitive to it but you had a great point what was your thing well i basically you know as a comedian he was he was endless humor and i when he when he left office i just took a break i took you however many years it's been, and I'm kind of ready to let it back in a little bit. He, so we won't go into details. Anyway, the moderator, who I guess is a star now,

a future star, so it was just a journalist pressing him, which we've seen before, and I haven't seen it in a while. That's the problem. A journalist was pressing him, and not, all he's doing is wiggling out and pointing fingers and name calling. And so she wouldn't let him out of it, but that's not what happened. And then he just goes, you're a nasty person. I'm like, there he is. He's, he's back. Oh my God. He's just a name caller to a journalist who's trying who's pointing out the truth to him and that what he's saying is nonsense and has been debunked by republicans by the way as we fucking try so hard to be not partisan on this show we are literally reporting on a week of news that doesn't include that the former commander in chief was convicted in a civil case of sexual assault that that that's something that is flying under our

radar and george santos and george santos who is up with your juicy store they're juicy stories which we want to cover but it's a a bit, and listen, I know the left has their share of stuff. Oh, you know what we should have covered? Maybe we do it next week. Did you see the picture of Dianne Feinstein returning to Washington? No. Dude, it's like the Crypt Keeper. Yeah. It looks like she was exhumed. Yeah. And that she is going, first of all, I don't understand that drive to work, but also she is, it's reckless that she has not taken herself out. It's crazy. What is she, like 90?

I think she is, 89, I believe. Well, it's kind of like Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I mean, she should have stepped down if she wanted to preserve that seat. There was a Democratic president in and she should have stepped down earlier and made the spot available. And instead she fucking kicked the bucket and we got what's her name? No, it was a Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh replaced her. She's born in 1933. So she's not 80 89 oh dude

she's 90 next month yeah wow and but but but she's on like i think she's on like the intelligence committee like she's on committees that need. And I remember her questioning someone and just laying down like no, a very big softball follow up question was sitting right there and nothing. Now, my mom is 80 and I have now taken over her finances because I don't trust her. That explains all the new wardrobe you've been getting lately. Where did you put the money? Right into Maroon. You know, we got a little money coming our way. Erin's aunt died last year.

And they're going to sell her house and she has some savings. And we're going to get a nice little check. Not huge, but, you know, free money. Nice. It's bittersweet. We miss her. She was amazing. I really loved her and we love spending time with her.

But what better gift than a little bit of cash? You're going to miss her a lot less when that check arrives. I know. It's like a nice birthday card from her. Think of it that way. Here's some good news for Gubbins. Okay. I think I have some inside info that you don't know, but what's your story?

You have inside info? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Well, basically, we have a golf group. Me, you. Well, the group is Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbons, Gibbons, and Gubbins. Don't do that. Those are the four of us.

And then there's other guys that swap in besides those four. And we play every Friday. But Mikey Fitzgibbon is starting to go earlier and earlier on the tee times. And I go out. I always work Thursday nights. I usually do a few shows. I don't get home until 1 in the morning. And an 8.40 tee time fucks up my whole day.

So Matt Knudson reached out, and he said, I got an 11.30 on Friday. And I said, I'll do it. I'm in. And so I'm just worried because, you know, you guys, well, you're not playing, but those two are going to be coming in. They're playing at 830 or 840. So they're going to be coming in just as I'm teeing off. And I hope that Gubbins isn't miffed or put off by the fact that I left the

group, but I need later tee times. I like the earlier tea times. Anyway, so I don't think you have anything to worry about because Senor Gubbins is in Spain. Oh, I love it. That's fantastic. And you can't get podcasts in Spain, right? Good-hearted guy.

He was on the picket line with me yesterday. He's not even in the Writers Guild. Wow. He's an actor and he was in his own guild and he was supporting. And he's like, I'm like, what are you doing later on and all this? And he's like, oh, I'm flying to Spain tonight. I'm like, what? For what?

Because he got all that sweet cash from people sending him money for his clubs. That's right. That's not true. That's not how it worked. He bought clubs with that, which was great. But yeah, a little hard to feel sorry for him in that way. But no, he got some deal and his cousin is over there. So he has a free place to stay.

He's going to Barcelona. And then he has friends who are sailing around Portugal and he might, he might join them or whatever. But listen, that's what a dynamic, amazing guy has. That's what a dynamic, amazing guy he is, is the, he has, listen, he knows 10 times as many people as we do. And he, um, he knows them from all walks of life. And after this, he's going to know Portuguese and Spanish people.

Yeah. So you have nothing to worry about tomorrow. You're in the clear. Let's go. Entertainment. Entertainment. A gentleman named Robert De Niro. You want to talk about him?

Yeah. I mean, just I saw the headline. We don't really have material on it, but I did pull up. So Robert De Niro, in an interview, let it be known that he is the father to his seventh child at the age of 79. Jesus. I know. nine. Jesus. I know. And then I'm wondering if he, if it's another black child, because Robert almost exclusively has black wives and girlfriends, I guess I shouldn't limit it to that. And then I remember our, the roast we did, I was head writer on it and, um, there were a bunch of good jokes.

And then hold on. Um, I, I then looked up in my email. So I couldn't find all of them, but, uh, one was, hold on. Let me find it here. You should say who wrote it. I know I don't have that in here, but it wasn't me. Uh, maybe it was Tony Hinchcliffe? Sure. Could have been Sarah Tiana. Could have been Sarah Tiana. God damn it, I'm blowing this. It was a really good joke.

I'm trying to find the one. It was something like... Anyway, it was a joke that basically said, and of course revolutionary, I mean, like, completely took a unique approach to being a, he's the only cab driver, because he's a

taxi driver, he's the only cab driver that consistently picks up black people. That's a solid piece of comedy. And then is how like jokes are written on a uh on a on a roast sometimes in parentheses following a joke about someone being blacked out drunk or drunk um sorry every time i say blackout robert de niro puts on cologne Hey, what's going on with the roast for this year? Isn't Tom Brady getting roasted? Writer Strike, my man. Oh, was it supposed to happen?

It was already supposed to happen, but then he came out of retirement. It was supposed to be a year ago. Jesus. And then this one's not about his, this is not about him dating and being with black women, but now it's now it's time so Caitlyn Jenner was going next and it's like now it's time for my favorite part of

the show where we get to watch an Italian man, an old Italian man, figure out trans pronouns in front of a live audience. Anyway, so that was the De Niro story. Nicolas Cage believes he has memories from more than 59 years ago. While answering questions from Stephen Colbert, he said that, let me, he goes, he said his earliest memory.

Let me think. Listen, I know this sounds really far out, and I don't know if it's real, but sometimes I think I can go all the way back to in utero and feeling like I could see faces in the dark or something. And it's like, faces? You're in utero. That wasn't a face.

That was a pancreas. You're in utero. That wasn't a face. That was a pancreas. He is wild. Yeah. Well, hopefully he can't see past 2007 when he started doing every horrible script that was sent to him.

If you look at his IMDb, the first half of his career, he did great film after great film. So many amazing projects. Won an Oscar, nominated for other ones. And then all of a sudden, he just started doing crap. I mean, who am I to judge?

What the fuck have I done with my life? I liked his last movie. The movie about him being a genius, Undeniable. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He kind of takes the piss out of himself. Okay, good. But he sees a face.

I think he's remembering his film Face Off. Like, was his twin in the womb John Travolta? Yeah. That would explain a lot. Yeah, was the other baby dancing? Yeah, that's weird. That is really weird. But what about Richard Dreyfuss?

He's... Yeah, this is a hot topic. Richard Dreyfuss defends actors appearing in blackface and says Oscars' new diversity standards make me vomit. All right, that's not diversity standards make me vomit. All right. That's not, that was NBC news. It sounds like a Fox headline. Um, anyway, it's an art. No one should be telling me as an artist that I have to give into the latest, most current idea of what morality is. What are we risking? Are we really risking hurting people's feelings you can't legislate that you

have to let life be life i'm sorry i don't think there is a minority or a majority in the country that has to be catered to like that so he was being asked about the requirements the new requirements that go into effect next year by the Academy Awards, which include having at least one lead. So your movie will not get nominated for Best Picture unless, whoops, there goes my headphones, unless it has one character, at least one character, from an underrepresented racial or ethnic group, having at least 30% of the general ensemble cast

be from at least two underrepresented groups like women, LGBTQ, or having the movie's subject focused on one of those groups. It has to have one of those three things. Wow. That's crazy. Which I think, for instance, I might be wrong, but like, for instance, let's say Hamilton, the Broadway show became a movie. I don't think it would be you could nominate it. Black characters in it.

Only has one group. I like, in other words, people forget what diverse means. Um, anyway, maybe I'm wrong there. I guess it's certainly about a white subject.

Um, okay. Wait, at least 30% of general ensemble guests has to be from two underrepresented. Okay. But wait, no, I guess there's women. There's some black women black women and it's mostly black men though anyway well he's defending he's defending the use of blackface uh

because olivier did did othello in blackface right and that's kind of yeah that's what people are really fixating on but i think he's just making an extreme point that like you remember in Tropic Thunder, Tropic, well, Tropic Thunder. Yeah. But you remember in what's the Nick Kroll animated show? Oh, Big Mouth. Big Mouth. Yeah. There was a woman that was voicing a character and the character was black had a black parent and a jewish parent and the actor who was voicing it was jewish but she gave up the job because she said that a black person should be doing it because it was cultural misappropriation it's like but you're you're half you're a jewish You're half the character. It's crazy.

This town is so terrified. They overreact. So, like, Daniel Day-Lewis can't play in My Left Foot. He can't play a physically otherly-abled, I don't even know what the phrase is now, person. How about De Niro and the Irishman? Was he in the Irishman? Yeah.

Or DiCaprio. Was DiCaprio in the Irishman? But, like, only... How about James Caan in The Godfather? He's Jewish. He was playing an Italian guy. And for, only, and I know there's a difference between the ruling, you know, majority of white people say white actors historically would say Shakespeare. And like, but, and like, of course, black guys can play Lear.

Of course. But like, are we really going to say no to a white guy playing Othello? Yeah, he doesn't have to be in Blackface. And I understand the context. I understand it's lopsided. I do get that. But why not? I don't think you should have, it's,

I don't get it at all that like, do you know what it rules out when you, when the represented, when the person, the actor has to be the same as the character in terms of ethnicity or capability? Or gender or sexual proclivity. There's so many things that limit the casting pool if you stick to that. Doesn't a woman do Bart Simpson's voice? Yes. So that has to go?

I guess so. But listen. By the way, I don't think they have to wear blackface when doing Othello. That's what I just said. I'm with you. But I think, you know, Olivier can do whatever the fuck he wants. Michelle Pfeiffer cried herself to sleep while filming Scarface

because she was scared of working with Al Pacino. She was 25 at the time of the film's release, and she had stage fright when working with the Hall of Famer. She said, I cried myself to sleep almost every night. It was obviously a huge deal for me. I was being tortured. Was she afraid? Did he stay in character?

I think that's what it was. No, I don't think that's what she's saying. She was looking for comfort, and he was like, don't worry too much. You're going to have a heart attack. You don't have the guts. You don't have the guts to be where you want to be. You need people like me so you can point your fingers

and say, that's the bad guy. Say hello to the bad guy. Not just talking to me, baby. That I like. That doesn't make you feel good. I think most people cry themselves to sleep when they're

doing non-stop blow. I think that maybe is what happened to her. There's no way they weren't doing blow. I bet there was a lot on the set. happened to her there's no way there was a lot on the set i know no way they weren't doing blow in miami in the late 70s was that the late 70s that was shot are you fucking kidding me yeah i i mean i haven't gone back and watched that every friday night we would go to the video store in my town my parents would always go out and i would rent Scarface it was two VHS tapes

because it's a three and a half hour long movie and we would sit in my family room with my friends and we would drink beer and we would fucking quote every line from the movie it's insane do you think it holds up? I don't know I haven't seen it so long

I did read a very interesting I think I might have't seen it. So I did read a very interesting, I think I might've mentioned this on the podcast, but I read a very interesting thing that the, when he's cutting cocaine with his hand and he's upstairs in the mansion. Yeah. That shootout that takes place all around the staircase. And then like, what I want to say is the lobby,

but you know, the main entryway of his home. Yeah. That shootout was not supposed to be that long, but, uh, Pacino was coming late so late to set that they didn't want to waste all the cameras sitting there loaded and everything. And so, uh, they shot, they shot much longer when they were waiting for him. Oh, so they shot everybody else but not him right oh that's

interesting yeah and all the close-ups and the bullets you know blowing shit up and all that stuff yeah so he you think he was high is that why he wasn't a coming to set i forget why he was late i don't think it was that i don't know if he was exhausted from doing it i'm forgetting i should i should know that but uh i didn't plan on mentioning it. She was just ethereal in that movie. She was so sexy and such she copped such a great

attitude of a chick that was just over it. Crying herself to sleep probably helped. She probably had puffy eyes every day. Yeah, so she had to be like, she was kind, she said some racist stuff to him, and she really looked down on him. And then there's that moment where he's hitting on her for the umpteenth time,

and you see her just turn. She just opens up, and you go, whoa, I didn't see that coming at all. Yeah. He's a salesman. Yeah. Let's make salesman. Yeah. Let's make America Florida, Florida America. All righty. Florida man steals steak and beer before going on a violent rampage inside a sporting goods store.

This, I kind of like this. This is, this should be in like Florida tourism brochure. According to the Martin County Sheriff's Office, 31-year-old Shanluck Diaz stole a steak from a restaurant and a beer from a convenience store, then walked into a Dick's Sporting Goods, grabbed a baseball bat, announced that he was sorry, and then smashed several glass cases while employees and customers watched in shock. I love how he apologized first. I love that.

It's like, I'm so sorry. I'm a Florida man. There's this podcast called Sunday Papers, and I'm just trying to get over the hump. I like that he, like, steals a steak. Then he's probably like, what am I doing? What am I washing this down with? And then he steals a beer from a different place. And I just picture him holding nothing but the steak in his hand.

Like medium rare, blood running down his arm. Yeah. Trying to decide, can I break this glass thing with one hand in the bat? Or, no, let me put it down and apologize to everybody. Also, I'm sorry I put steak on the counter. It's a little messy. Smash, smash, smash. Yeah.

That's fucking great. No, I love it. That's a nice, clean America, Florida again story. Let's do some sports. You got it. Well, Best in show was announced. The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is one of the oldest sporting events in the U.S., second only to the Kentucky Derby.

We really were focused on animals when we created these sporting events. And this year's winner? Yep, Buddy Holly. The petite basset griffon vendine, never heard of that breed of dog, wins best in show. Janice Hayes, Buddy Holly's handler, said he's just everything a PBGV, so I guess he's trans, should be. Hard-headed, stubborn, happy. Do you want a stubborn dog? Nope.

Is that the new thing? Nope. I don't know. I don't really have any jokes on this, but that was the big— I was just trying to picture, like, I love these dog shows. And I was on Corolli yesterday, and we talked about this. But I love these dog shows when it's always like a British voice, But I love these dog shows when it's always like a British voice,

and they're describing, well, the Lhasa Apso is a Chinese breed. It's been bred for many centuries, and you can see his gait is very steady. His head is upright. He's now jumping through the hoops. Haunches. And then I picture like Brulee, my dog, in the show, and they're like, well, he's now taking a shit and licking his own asshole. He's biting three children.

Oh, wait. He's dead. He's dead. Poor Brule. That would win it. He'd get the ribbon. Yeah. Just dying during it.

All right, let's do some business. All right, let's do some business. All right. A fictional stock portfolio curated by ChatGBT has put the top 10 UK funds to shame. In an experiment conducted by Finder.com, ChatGBT was instructed to assemble a winning stock portfolio. The AI replied that it couldn't provide specific investment guidance, but when Finder clarified the exercise was purely theoretical, ChatGBT played ball and gathered 38 stocks to form a fund

that did strong numbers in the eight weeks following its creation. It outperformed the UK's top 10 funds average gains in the same time period. It led to real funds for 34 of the 37 market days of its lifespan. It was up 4.7%. I mean, Jesus. The other funds were all down 1.9% during that same time.

Well, wait. All you have to do is say, so you're like yeah how do we wipe out uh human beings sorry i can't do that oh no don't worry it's just theoretical oh okay yeah this is how you do it right right um the guy uh i saw an interview this week and we do so many you know sort of ai stories so i didn't put it in. But one of the creators left Google, one of the creators of Google's AI, I guess, left because he's going to try to work on how we survive with it. And he believes there is no stopping it. And then the question was asked of him, how do you think they would perhaps wipe out humanity?

And he said, well, they can deceive us and they'll learn deceit, I think was the word, from us. So they'll learn that. They'll learn how to be deceitful. And they're master programmers, way better than any human, obviously. And so they could conceivably change programs for things and also get that far by deceiving us. So anyway, pretty scary. It's crazy. And I think he's one of the guys that invented ChatGBT.

Yeah. Have you got it on your phone? Have you downloaded the app? I didn't download the app, but I made, and I haven't gone back to it since we talked about it a couple weeks ago, but you can make an icon for an app that's a link to a website, and that's what I did. So, in other words, if I wanted to ask it something, it's on there.

I think it would be funny to have a comedy show where all the comedians have to write their acts through chat GBT and you can't change it. And then you come up and perform it. Well, did you see it had it right? A scene of 30 rock. And funny. It wasn't that funny,

but it did come up with like a story, like a cool story twist. I forget what it was, but you can look it up. And it really didn't play into the characters voices. But keep in mind, this was the first effort. Yeah. Yeah. All right. This day in history. There you go. hold on let me write the time code down 1 a 35 um may 14th 1804 one year after the u.s doubled its territory with the louisiana purchase the lewis and clark expedition leaves st louis of course who would want to get out of fucking St. Louis, on a mission to explore the Northwest from the Mississippi River to the Pacific Ocean. Even before they concluded the negotiations with France, Thomas Jefferson commissioned his private secretary, Meriwether Lewis, and William Clark, an army captain, to lead an

... I read a book about this. It's fucking fascinating. Yeah. They were basically looking for a way to connect to the Pacific. And the Corps of Discovery featured 45 men, although only 33 would make the full journey. That's not enough. No. They went up the Missouri River in a 55-foot-long keelboat and two smaller boats.

In November, Toussaint Charbonneau, a French-Canadian fur trader, accompanied by his young Native American wife, Sacagawea, joined the expedition as an interpreter. They wintered in present-day North Dakota before crossing into present-day Montana, where they first saw the Rocky Mountains. On the other side of the Continental Divide, they were met by Sacagawea's tribe. How?

There was no texting. There was no fucking... The express... What do you call that express? There was no way to get mail. The Pony Express? how did they how did they figure this out they could smell the white men coming yep um they sold them horses for their

journey down the mountains after passing through the dangerous rapids at the clear water and snake river in canoes they reached the calm of the columbia, which led them to the sea. On November 8, 1805, the expedition arrived at the Pacific Ocean. After pausing there for the winter, they began their long journey back to St. Louis. So in 1806, after almost two and a half years, they returned to the city, bringing back a wealth of information about the region, much of it already inhabited by Native Americans, as well as valuable U.S. claims to Oregon territory. Unbelievable.

I mean, you got to read this book that I read. They were so rugged. No, I do want to. Is there a good documentary on it? There must be. Is like, did Ken Burns or his brother do something? Yeah, they must have done one. I told you once when I was procrastinating, I think I was trying to do maybe a Lewis and Clark joke or whatever so I

looked them up and then they had journals and in one of the journals it's so funny like you read it and it's like it you could be read like in a contemporary voice like now but it was one of the journals and they wrote like basically i'm paraphrasing a little like new rule no more shooting at the big brown bears it doesn't work and they're like charlie put four rounds in a charging one the other day but had to jump off this like cliff into a river to escape it. It didn't stop its charge. So like they found these, they must've been mammoth grizzly bears and they're like, it only angers them and they'll charge.

It's like, you know, cause before that on the East coast, it was, you know, black bears. Yeah. Now the black bears have nothing on the brown bears.

They're, they're, they're the ones you got to watch out for. And I think there's different ways of handling a brown bear versus a black bear. Like one of them, you're supposed to play dead. The other one, you're supposed to act bigger and louder. And I can never remember which is which. I don't know, but it's just like there's ack video where these people are, uh, by a, uh, like a

trailhead where there's a map there in restrooms and they're just standing there. And all of a sudden you hear one of them go easy bear, easy bear. And the fucking biggest bear I've ever seen just walks right up and they're all just like easy barrier. And, and it just walks right by them. It then looks around. There's like a right by them it then looks around there's like a parking lot there it looks around turns around and then walks right back past but at any point it just could have lifted its arm and split a guy in two oh dude i saw a video of these uh it was like three or four people and they were like young asian girls they, you know, 19 years old. We're talking about bears, Greg. And this bear comes

and he sniffs one of them. Oh, I saw this. He gets on his hind legs and starts pawing her. He's touching her and sniffing her. He's a huge fucking bear. Yeah. And she's just standing still and the friends are all standing still. Crazy.

I mean, I think you didn't see much of the, you didn't see the guy filming it obviously. And, uh, I guess their leader, cause I think in the caption, it said, when our leader talks to a bear that sneaks up, you know, like that appears, but I, he must've had a can of spray and I, those work I think most of the time against grizzlies, especially like you're supposed to create a field that it runs, that it runs into. Okay. And it doesn't really matter what you do, but yes, you're supposed to, um, just not even try to fight back against a grizzly.

Lay down, lay down. It's trying to get to your organs so you lay down you clasp your hands behind your your head there's all these things you're supposed to do but I mean who knows one cool thing I saw is they sell hats that have two big eyes sewed to the back of the hat and, for hikers, especially if you're alone, and it happens in LA, it happens in Southern California, because mountain lions will always come up on you from behind. Uh-huh. And, I mean, I know there's some videos where they appeared because the hiker ran into them. There's that famous one where the hiker's backing away. But as you saw with that hiker, never turn your back on them. You back

away while talking to it, but as soon as you turn your back, it triggers their attack instinct. So if you have eyes in the back... Then if your girlfriend's wearing the hat in a tent that night, you have sex doggy style and you look her right in the eye. And you can be like, wow,

it's so weird. Your pussy is behind your asshole. But, you know, as far as how rugged those guys are. As long as you're wearing eyes, can you wear Salma Hayek's face on the back of your head? Or whoever the hottie du jour is? Yeah. I go with Salma Hayek. Still, huh?

Still. Majora's? Yeah. I go with Salma Hayek. Still, huh? She's really sexy still. But in terms of how rugged they are, I remember we were not campers growing up. We were very complacent house dwellers. And I remember me and my brother and sister, we were teenagers, and we decided to go camping. And we just had a tarp and some sticks sticks and we drove up the sawmill parkway and we literally just pulled over into a parking lot next to the thruway and we set up this stupid fucking tent and we took mescaline and then while we were laying there uh two skunks came and they just walked right up to us they had no fear and. And so we just, like, ran into the car, put up the windows.

It was a hot summer night, and we couldn't drive because we were tripping on mescaline. So we just slept in the car. That was our camping trip. Perfect. All right, let's get to some letters, Mike. Okay. All right, let's get to some letters, Mike. Okay.

This is from David Dravenek, who says, Mike, love the podcast. Mike is exceptionally funny. He tells jokes off the cuff that are not low-hanging fruit, but third or fourth level. Not today. Always excited to see where he is going. I have listened on every podcast, but I don't recall Mike saying why he chose writing over performing.

He would have been one of the best standup comedians. Just curious. Thanks. Wow. David, which is the name I made up to send that letter in because I'm a pussy. That's why standup is fucking brutal. Did you ever consider it?

I mean, you do stand up once a year and you always kill, so you know you can do it, but was there a time when, no, but no, that's not real. As you know,

that's not real standup and you lower the bar for me and all that stuff. So that's not, I couldn't, that's just a character almost of a guy. I have the benefit of the guy who doesn't do standup. He's a writer. So that's a context. Now your jokes are really original.

They're edgy. They're funny. You legitimately kill every time you do it. Um, but no, it is because I'm a pussy. It, that route,

uh, terrified. And first of all, well, I guess every standup can say they don't know if they can do it when they start. So I'm in that camp, too. But also it was it wasn't safe. And I was thinking a safer way is a career behind the camera because, you know, Kill Kilbourne put me on every night almost for five years. And then they let me host the Late late show for an hour as part of their

auditions. And it was the guy after me actually was Corolla and I was producing his show, but then they gave me a night. So I've been tempted by the idea. I mean, I did host an hour show on CBS Letterman said my name, which I reminded him. And it was very, very funny, that he introduced me at the end of his show in New York, like coming up next. But so thanks, David. I guess that's really what I'm trying to say. That's a really nice comment, and that's my answer. Huh.

Interesting. Very interesting. But you knew that. Did you get paid every night that he talked to you? Did you get like a scale? When I had my first kid, um, I had two health insurances. So, well, I mean, that's like seven or 800 bucks a pop, right? Every time he talks to you, I think it was about 800 bucks a pop. Plus you were getting your writer's salary on top of it. Well, wait, sometimes it wasn't. If it was, if he was just talking to me as a producer and there was nothing like mapped out,

in other words, it wasn't scripted, then, then I would not get paid. And that's what I think most of them were. But no, then I was, he'd like, Hey, we're going to go check on the buzz in the hallway. And I'd be out there in a tuxedo as like a reporter in the hallway. So those were scripted and stuff. Okay. All right. Let's get down to Steve in Parkland, Florida. Since Mad Libs brings the show to a screeching halt,

my suggestion would be to edit that part out of the show. I'm pretty sure Mad Libs is going to be the name of Tucker Carlson's new show on Twitter anyway. Nice, nice. Otherwise, love the show, especially when Mike prepares. No, Mad Libs doesn't count. Hope all is well. All right, so one guy taking a shot at you. I like it.

He's right. And, yeah, we've retired Mad Libs. That was Steve from Parkland, Florida. This is Nolan from Winnipeg. Jesus. Mike was mentioning bands not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and I thought some bands were worth mentioning. Motley Crue.

There are rumors they are banned and may not ever get in. I'm not a Crue fan. No. Judas Priest, also not in. Yep. All right. I guess the motorhead i mean those are all kind of hair metal bands i was never really that into pixies should absolutely be in i mean when you talk to so many modern bands point to the pixies as an inspiration for their music? Oh yeah. Uh, Kurt Cobain, they were mixing, um, nevermind, you know, an album that changed the landscape of music in the nineties. And, uh,

they, and Cobain had a very, what I then learned, a very typical, uh, Bruce Springsteen moment where he's like, fuck it. Did we just make a new Pixies album? Is that all we've done? And he had a freak out, and the Pixies were sort of the thing that was sending him overboard. Sound Garden, that's surprising. Jesus.

Alice in Chains and Nine Inch Nails, which you and I disagree on. I mean, I respect Nine Inch Nails. There's very few moments in my life where I'm in the mood to put that music on and assault myself with it. You know what I did the other day? It's Trent Reznor, but Johnny Cash's version of Hurt, right? We all know that. It's amazing.

You can watch reaction videos of it. I don't know if I mentioned this, but let me just tell you, that song makes black people cry. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say. Go to YouTube, put Johnny Cash Hurt reaction, and you'll see reaction. And one guy even did a compilation of all the people crying to it. All right, let's get to the Sunday funnies. We got to cheer up after all that crying.

We got a Dilbert? We do have a Dilbert. Oh, fantastic. He's so prolific. Let me try to find it. Let me try to find it. Yes. Okay.

So this, in the first frame, Dilbert has this doormat by his cubicle and his coworker asks, why does your doormat say live mat or live mat? And Dilbert says, you see, this is why I need a bigger cubicle. It doesn't fit. And then Dilbert unrolls the rest of the mat and it says all lives matter. the rest of the mat and it says all lives matter what is going on with dilbert seems to really not like black people dicky's idea but support his bagels that's like the um the old joke about the guy who's got a tattoo on his dick and it it's that same structure, but it says one thing, and then he tells you what it really says,

and it's like a whole paragraph. Right, exactly. Hager the Horrible is here, and so they're home. Hager is sitting with his feet up on an armchair while Helga is on all fours scrubbing the floor. And then he goes, Helga, let that go. Relax on my chair. And he stands up and then she sits down and she goes, you're so thoughtful, Hager. And he goes, do you notice how the cushion has lost its firmness? I was hoping you would open it, stuff it, and sew it back together. And then

he's back in the armchair with his feet up going, but no rush, finish what you're doing. And she goes, you're so thoughtful. I mean, come on, Hager. She puts up with, how many venereal diseases have you given her that you got from Lithuania or Morocco or wherever you were marauding that weekend and raping? Give her the chair.

I'm preoccupied because I messed up my Dilbert. It's lives, Matt. Lives, Matt. Not live, Matt. There's an S in there. Oh. So, listen, I'm just being, buttoning up myself here. All right, well, listen to these two.

I'm going to listen to these two. I got a couple of Lockhorns. Was Hagarin sensitive, though, in old school? That's what I'm guessing. Well, it's just like, you know, the cartoon strips, the kids that are reading these cartoon strips, because that's what I used to read when I was a kid, and they're reading about these husbands that are just the most misogynistic pieces of shit. The most misogynistic pieces of shit.

Anyway, Lockhorns, they're both sitting in separate armchairs, and they're each reading a newspaper, and then she says to him, Thanks, Leroy. I never knew what mansplaining meant until you explained it to me. That's pretty good. It's pretty good. A lot of people have gone there, but this might have been early. Now they've got two.

A couple has now left their house. They've just walked out the front door, and Leroy, who's holding a cup of coffee, looks at Loretta and goes, they said they had to leave early to relieve the babysitter, but the Lenharts don't have any kids, and she just looks so hurt and sad. You can see decades of loneliness in those eyes. Yeah.

And she was rejected. Yeah. That one stung. She prepared a dinner. She looked forward to it. And then Leroy said something stupid. Or maybe he hit on her. Probably.

That used to be my dumb joke when I was divorced. I'm like, I gotta get back to the sitter. It's like, I thought you didn't have the kids. I'm like, I don't. This one was sent in from Phil. This far side. Thanks, Phil. And let me blow it up here so I can... So it's a bunch of cows.

They're at a cookout. And there's one cow with a chef hat, and he's working the grill. And then the other two cows are hands on hips, and they're very put off and angry. And one is straight arm pointing at them, accusingly, accusatorily. Well,

how would you say that? Accusative. Okay. And it goes, you're sick, Jesse, sick, sick,

sick. And you see he's flipping burgers. And Jesse could give a fuck. He's got some, he's got some burgers going he's happy it's a commentary on cannibalism i like it yeah um this kid that opens for me sometimes talks about how um how bestiality is illegal in this country. But if you were to ask a cow, if he'd prefer that you fucked him or killed him and ate him, he'd probably take, he'd take the fucking.

Okay. So what's the choice is the choice. Um, you're rather comfortable and small penis in my giant anus or that metal cattle prod right between my eyes i think i'd rather be badgered uh with your little penis in my asshole please now this is a cow why why the asshole i would think the vagina i've never seen a cow vagina i don't even know where to start on that Yeah I would start about an inch below the asshole

So in your mind It's a heterosexual farmer Yes I think he already has the big wife So maybe he wants to mix it up a little bit Plus the asshole's probably tighter Depends, right? Yeah.

Or no, maybe it doesn't depend. Maybe it is even before they have a baby. If you had to have sex with an animal, gun to your head, what kind of animal would it be? Probably a girl from Philadelphia. Yeah, Brickner sent me some pictures of some Philly girls that were walking down the street while we were on the phone. He had just gotten out of a Phillies game. They're tough.

They're tough. I don't know. Wait, what would you do? I mean, they say a goat is pretty similar. A dolphin? Dolphin's not bad. Wait, we're not thinking of the right thing. Isn't there, like, aren't there obvious ones?

I think you're right, goat. Well, a monkey would be the closest thing. Oh, God. Well, yeah, said the guy who created AIDS. Right. All right, speaking of AIDS, Bumstead, Dagwood Bumstead, is sitting in the blue chair,

hands in his pocket. Like, he tries to find ways of taking laziness and pushing. You're already in an armchair. Do you need your fucking hands in your pocket? And so Blondie, who is just looking for any any validation any signs of life from this bag of shit she goes tootsie and i were talking about love languages today and he goes oh and she goes what do you think your love language is dear and he goes food and she goes food isn't a love language, dear. And he goes, but it's the language I speak best.

How about this language? Blondie, I want to peel down your nylons and kiss your toes and your beautiful golden little nubs and then work my way up until I find the warm muff that you, I mean, talk to her, talk to her Dagwood. She's asking you to. Well, food is one of her strong points.

Maybe it's very loving. Maybe she needs to put hamburger meat in a vagina. Okay. That's one way to solve it A french fry in her asshole That's the only way you're going to get any action out of this guy Oh no Jesus

Oh, that's the note we end on That's what we end on Folks, you have been a great crowd Even though I think we were a little off today Yeah, having to do it early And when we get off of this We should talk about when we're taping in next week.

Right. Good point. I'm wide open. Okay. I'm pretty wide open. I'm going to be in Missouri. Oh, did I? I did my tour dates.

Yeah, I'm going to be in Missouri next weekend. Also, don't forget to support our sponsor. They're a wonderful company, GameTime.co, or just get yourself the app. And if you want to get a discount, you're going to

put code PAPERS into the GameTime app and get $20 off your first purchase. We want to thank Midcoast Media, Beth and Key and Chris and John, all the fine people in St. Louis that bring this show out to the public. We want to thank you for going to Apple Podcasts

and leaving us five-star reviews and comments. Please tell your friends. Spread the word. Spread the love. We love having more people join us. And, Mike, anything you want to plug? Well, I'll just plug again the guy at Lehigh Valley Workshop, intelligent fella. And then I thought it was pretty insightful, his commentary on a lot of the hate that's replacing reason.

There we go. On both sides. All right. That's about it. Yeah. Support your writers. Maybe not with Starbucks, although we'll take it.

Who am I kidding? And then do you think we should take it hard? No, I think I didn't know we were there already no if given a choice I think you should take it eesh take it eesh there it is Thank you. Sunday papers Greg and Mike Read all about it Sunday papers

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