Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/Greg and Mike Ep 168 6/11/23

Episode Date: June 11, 2023

LIV and PGA forge a deal with the devil. Martha Stewart wants you to drive to an office, NYC is smoky, and a virgin crocodile has a baby. It’s a miracle!...

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Don't give me no Joe Rogan. I don't want no Tiger Bevy. Don't give me no two bears. I want my Sunday papers. Read all about it. Read all about it. Hear ye, hear ye. Extra, extra. Both in L.A. For some reason, not in the same studio. Forgot to talk about it.
Starting point is 00:00:33 Wait. Are you talking about right now? Oh, I forgot. You're in Nashville. Never mind. Does this look like my closet? I wish that you always had that background. That looks so nice. Maybe I should grab a photo of it and I can make it my background, right?
Starting point is 00:00:49 You can. You can. Indeed. Yes. All right. Or when I'm in this beautiful setting, I put on my closet background. I think now we're talking. Now you got it. Hey, Sunday Papers listeners. How's everybody Sunday. We wouldn't know because it's Wednesday. It's Wednesday. The reason we're taping so early is I get on a flight tomorrow morning for Chicago to see my son. My oldest child will be graduating college. Wow. Yeah. Very cool. It's very cool. I'm very excited for him. I'm very proud of him. It is funny, though, when you think of like proud. Like I remember feeling guilty that my parents were proud of me when I graduated college.
Starting point is 00:01:30 I'm like, I just drank and got laid for four years. Like, yeah, I you know, I really tried. Like I showed up for class and I did the work and I got good grades. But like it wasn't anywhere near as hard as working a job would have been i had i had a lot of that also and then i also had uh you know they should be proud because i'm the only roommate who has a degree in his canister today of the of jerry jeff tom and me i think I was the only one who wasn't lying to their parents. Jerry lied. Jerry full out lied that he graduated. He had the piece of paper in there, but he was like two classes shy.
Starting point is 00:02:14 Yeah. Wow. I know. I don't know if he ever got it, actually. I was thinking about in the history of my family, like my grandparents didn't have college degrees. My father only did a two year associate's degree. My mom didn't go to college. My brother didn't graduate.
Starting point is 00:02:34 My sister did. And so basically, so my son is only one of a few people. Fitzsimmons is to have graduated college. Nice. I mean, I always think of that Chappelle story where Chappelle was the first in his family not to go to college, which is a very unique African-American experience.
Starting point is 00:03:01 You're freezing. You're freezing up. All right. Well, I wonder if it's yours i'm going to switch wi-fi's can you we can still talk but i'm gonna i'm gonna switch wi-fi's i think we can still talk all right i'm gonna talk while you switch no it's the only it's um you know what it's the only one hold on it's the only one offered shoot Shoot. I think it's strong enough, though. It should be.
Starting point is 00:03:26 It might be you, pal. I mean, we talked for a half hour before the show, and he didn't freeze once. Yeah, I know. Someone might be streaming something now. I don't know. All right. Am I still freezing?
Starting point is 00:03:42 No, you're fine now. It was just that one moment. Greg is super clear. I think it was when you were talking about Shapiro. All right. Am I still freezing? No, you're fine now. It was just that one moment. Greg is super clear. I think it was when you were talking about Shapiro. All right. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed and hopefully uncrossed also. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:03:59 So we'll fly in. We're going to go. We got tickets to see the Chicago Symphony on Friday night. And we'll take his roommates out to go. We got tickets to see the Chicago Symphony on Friday night. And we'll take his roommates and out to dinner. Go to the Art Institute. I just love Chicago. And to be there in June is going to be sick. So excited. I want to I'm so overdue to go there. Yeah, it's great. I've never been to the museum, which is kind of criminal.
Starting point is 00:04:23 It's my favorite museum in the country i just love it and uh yeah and jojo's coming so i think she's planning on doing a lot of partying with owen and his friends you know you can imagine being you know so cool 20 next month but at that age to be able to you know know, party with her brother. And so it's going to be great. Yeah. JoJo and Sophie just went surfing the other morning together. Yep, and had a great time. Sorry, I'm texting. I'm trying to maybe get someone off this who's streaming.
Starting point is 00:05:06 Yeah, it was JoJo took a little break from surfing she did it from i think sixth grade through all the way through high school she would she was out there like your daughter they were out there together surfing before school 6 30 in the morning and fucking january and february it's crazy and uh and then she yeah she took a little break but i'm glad she's back um it's so cool and that they were out there every morning because remember we would make a big deal of like you know we we as especially east coasters we jump in the ocean every thanksgiving and that was such like a big deal and then like we'd beg our kids to come and they and they would it was the most thrilling we felt like polar bear club yeah and then and then our girls get in high school they're like i've already been in the ocean today yeah right this yeah i mean every single day this is not a
Starting point is 00:05:55 big deal at all all right is sophie gonna but it was she talked about how cold it was and even it was pretty cold when they went out the other day like this because you have to understand well everyone's covered in smoke we're going to get to that in a minute but it is summer everywhere in america except los angeles yeah it's not freezing but it's cold it's cold has not been in the 70s yeah 10 days in the six high 60s or at best. Yeah. And, you know, Michigan's in the 90s. Yeah. I would love some 90. Well, I think Chicago is going to be in the 80s this this weekend. So that'll be good. So is is your daughter going to teach surfing this summer? I don't know. No, I don't think so. She has a political internship again with the consulting firm. And then JoJo's looking to get her a job helping out when the Penmar is overwhelmed.
Starting point is 00:06:53 Right. Right. That'll be good. Hopefully, hopefully that'll work out. That could be great. Olivia has been rejected twice by Trader Joe's. So and I love that because Trader Joe's has their act together, no matter what you say. And they had a friend from high school that worked there and it is, it's, it's an impressive credit on your resume. You are experienced, uh, you know, you're going to be experiencing a very well-run famously well-managed store. And, uh, and so that means a lot. And I guess everybody there, like they go out socially,
Starting point is 00:07:32 like it really becomes like, you know, not a cult, but a click for sure. I have never had a surly employee at Trader Joe's. You ask where something is, they fucking walk you three aisles down and show you where it is. And I think they get paid really well. I constantly ask the cashiers what their job is like. I don't know why.
Starting point is 00:07:54 I'm just obsessed with how happy everybody is there. It's great. Damon is writing that it's German. I didn't know that. Okay. Of course. Well, he knows. He also likes the People's Car, you know,
Starting point is 00:08:09 which Hitler designed or, you know, inspired. He's got a Krupp's coffee maker. I am going to switch Wi-Fi. Okay, do it. I'm switching Wi-Fi right now. I don't know how long that takes. So, Phil, Phil, you radio motherfucker. I'm going to talk about... Here we go. Mike and I went out on the picket line
Starting point is 00:08:26 yesterday and we we walked the line baby with Carol Leifer who's a friend of the show she's a fan of Sunday Papers
Starting point is 00:08:35 she texts me a lot hold on now and I think I'm back I've had her on Fitz Dog Radio if people don't know her she's a big writer she writes for
Starting point is 00:08:42 Curb Your Enthusiasm I think I'm back she wrote for a long time on on seinfeld as a matter of fact she is who elaine is based on in seinfeld because i guess larry and jerry came up with her in new york and she took me out to breakfast before the walk and then we got out on the line and uh it's just a lot of funny but here's what i hate guy comes up to me and uh he goes hey greg you remember me and i'm like remember you now i go i go i don't i'm sorry i don't know and he goes i was the writer's assistant on lucky louis and i'm like like dude that was 17 years ago don't lead lead with, do you remember me? And I felt like a piece of shit because I remembered really liking that guy.
Starting point is 00:09:29 And then I look him up on IMDB and he's like a huge producer. He's like one of the biggest executive producers in town. I got sick Wi-Fi, bro. Nice. So I missed the top of that story. And where was this former? On the picket line. On the picket line. Oh, nice, I missed the top of that story. Uh, and where was this former? On the picket line. Oh, nice, nice, nice. I mean, the picket line is fun. It's so fun to see people you haven't
Starting point is 00:09:52 seen in a while. And there's such a feeling of solidarity and Greg, it's not fun, Greg. It's not fun. What are you doing? And, uh, but it is hard when you kind of recognize people and you don't know their names. But imagine if you or I were a dick, like, and kind of were consistently not a pleasant employer. Like, that's a scary, that's scary, I think, than to walk on the picket line. You and I never, ever worry for a second about running into someone who worked with us. Right. You know? Well, that's male. Yeah, for sure.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Well, the females, we made sure to ruin their careers. They're not on the picket line. I mean, they're cleaning hotel rooms somewhere, hopefully. Yeah. And let's just hope that that's not a room we rent because that then it's just the whole thing starts all over again and where do you go from there and you like totally feel obliged to tip well again hush money continues what do you tip in a hotel room most often zero is that bad to admit because i Because I'm rarely in a hotel more than one night.
Starting point is 00:11:06 More than one hour, really. Yeah, that's bad form, Mike. So I stay one night. I leave a tip for them? Yes. Even if the room is like basically spotless? I mean, who are you going to tip? The person that turns around, pulls a lever and hands you a cup of coffee, they get a buck. But the lady that is ripping fucking cum-stained sheets off your bed and picking up a towel that's got a hand lotion on it on the floor next to your bed, she doesn't get anything?
Starting point is 00:11:40 I take my washcloths that I desecrate. I take them, just roll them up, take them home. No, I give five bucks a night when I'm staying at a hotel. I'm going to start doing that. Someone told me that as a policy, they generally take one or two or whatever washcloths. They're the easiest things. It's the biggest turnover in any hotel, laundry, and all that. And that's how they have all their rags,
Starting point is 00:12:10 cleaning rags and all that at home. Really? And I kind of was impressed. I was like, that's not a bad idea. Well, Gilbert Godfrey used to take the shampoo from the hotels and apparently he had boxes and boxes full of tiny shampoos in his house. And then he would just slowly fill them with ejaculate and then return them
Starting point is 00:12:31 when he went back to the hotels. Call back to last week. You got to listen to Sunday papers. Yeah. Every week, every week people. Um, and then,
Starting point is 00:12:41 uh, I'm very excited to, uh, talk about my cousin, Denny McCarthy, last weekend. If you're a golf fan, you definitely know who he is now. He was in the lead in the Memorial, which is a huge tournament. It's Jack Nicklaus' tournament and one of the biggest golf matches of the year.
Starting point is 00:13:00 And he was in the lead for the last five holes. And then a guy tied him at the end. They went into extra holes. And he lipped out a putt. It went in and out. And he lost. But he came in second place. He was up by two strokes on 16 or going into 17.
Starting point is 00:13:19 With two holes to go, he was up by two. It was his to lose. The only hole that he bogeyed the whole day was 18 right and the day before and half of the day before so in 27 holes he had no bogeys except the except the hole he finished on and that's the hole they play sudden death on. Yeah. Wow. And they go get it again in sudden death. So I, uh, I've never watched golf.
Starting point is 00:13:49 I kind of pride myself on that. And you know, like I'm always like, who's that? I don't know. And, uh, but the girls have never seen me.
Starting point is 00:13:54 So I turn that on, I catch them up. They're now rooting for your cousin. They've never seen me yell that loud at sports when his ball lipped out. Really? I screamed so loud and it wasn't like a yes obviously it was like a what like yeah was that on the was that in the sudden death or was that in the regular round no i think that was oh no the sudden death the one that that's the one that lipped out yeah and then the other guy
Starting point is 00:14:25 looked like his was gonna lip out yeah it didn't i know um so anyway he's gonna be playing in the u.s open uh next week and uh so we'll talk about that more but um yeah i really want to go to that i really want to go to the u.s. Open. All right, good. Playing in L.A. What course is it at? L.A. Country Club. Wait a minute. The one off Wilshire in Beverly Hills? Yeah, right. Isn't it racist?
Starting point is 00:14:57 Yeah. How many? I'm so naive. How many are in still very racist clubs? I thought there was an effort. Augusta, where the Masters is, was racist until not long ago at all. There were no black members. Well, Tiger played.
Starting point is 00:15:16 He won the Masters several times at a club where they did not allow black members. I know. And we've talked about this a lot. And in my opinion, even really adding insult to injury was mandatory black caddies so if you're jack nicholas coming in you're like you know my son's my caddy they're like not here unless he's black at the masters until like chris maybe look it up black caddies were mandatory at the masters white's not allowed no until like 1980 or something what maybe 60 whatever very in our i think in our lifetime though wow yeah wait we're this is a bad optic that we're into golf right i'm feeling guilty that i'm a golf fan right now it's the it's despicable we're gonna get to that all right so my wi-fi has worked out we're gonna get back into all of this later when we get to sports but let's shout out craig godette who is a uh an uber friend of the show he contributes
Starting point is 00:16:20 a lot of logos to us oh he's awesome he's. He's awesome. And this is a great one, the White Stripes. What album is that? What White Stripes album is that? I don't think it is. Craig can write a correction. I think it's, you know, it's obviously their trademark red, white, and black. It's a triangle. The triangle, now nerding out.
Starting point is 00:16:42 The triangle was a very big motif in Seven Nation Army, though. Okay. So I think he's taken the Seven Nation Army look and made an album cover. That's my final answer. Okay. Speaking of music, Rob Stone did today's theme song. And look at you. You got to be the male.
Starting point is 00:17:03 I know. I think I've kind of put it out there to our universe that I prefer being the male. So right now, Denman is writing that from 1934 through 1982, club caddies at Masters all black. 82. Wow, that's crazy. Mandatory. Wow. That's fucked.
Starting point is 00:17:32 That's like, you know, remember I told you I saw it. It's like the only job where blacks are guaranteed a position. Carrying a fucking golf bag for a white guy. a position carrying a fucking golf bag for a white guy. They were guaranteed tons of positions in the South for over a hundred years before that all unpaid. It does remind me of that insult to injury. I told you once I was at the improv and Chris rock dropped in and he got up there and he was just reading off his Blackberry. That'll date it. But he had his Blackberry and he was just reading off his blackberry that'll date it but he had his blackberry and he
Starting point is 00:18:05 was just reading like comedy notes he had made and he's like what's this he's like tarred and feathered and he's like oh yeah is the tarred he goes is the feather just for kicks he goes i get the tarred painful. You probably won't live. Is the feathers just for laughs? It's just decorative. Yeah. And that's the black caddy twist on racism. That's hilarious.
Starting point is 00:18:36 Yeah. Or it's not. I don't know if it's not. May not be my place to say that's hilarious. It is insightful, Chris Rock. rock it is and then corrections really enjoy the cow talk may need to bring in a cow expert to contribute to the program please share with mike that cows fart methane and carbon dioxide not carbon monoxide carbon dioxide may destroy the planet and kill us but carbon monoxide will kill you much more quickly.
Starting point is 00:19:06 Keep up the good work, James. When I'm faced to ass with a cow, it did smell like carbon monoxide. I did want to die immediately, so my bad. It's carbon dioxide. Noted. To follow up from that is a guy named Stan who says, Dean of Agriculture at the University of Alberta. Canada has colleges now?
Starting point is 00:19:28 Good for them. Cattle do produce significant amounts of greenhouse gases, but you were incorrect about the direction of the methane they produce. The big issue is burps, not what travels down the opposite end of the digestive tract. About 89% of the methane has actually been formed in the gut of the animal,
Starting point is 00:19:49 and it is eradicated or belched out from the animal through the nostrils and mouth. So I'm thinking cow mouthwash might be good. Oh, interesting. Have you ever, remember those? I have a pretty, other than this goddamn terrible voice of mine because of acid reflux, I never, ever, ever have heartburn or issues, but I have burped before where it burns your nose. Yes.
Starting point is 00:20:21 Maybe that's just the acidity But I wonder if that I mean we produce it too Well a burp is just a dry vomit Huh? A burp is just a dry vomit And a fart is just a dry shit Practice Little practice sessions
Starting point is 00:20:40 Okay What do we have here? We got... Minor corrections? This is Sean Johnson. Minor correction. The past tense of squeeze is squeezed, not squoze. I remember you saying squoze last week.
Starting point is 00:20:59 No, I believe you did. Nope, I believe you did. Oh, okay. Really? Who said it more emphatically? I don't know. I thought you squozed it in there and, you know, no one noticed maybe. On a more serious note, I appreciate the segment on your dad and the kind things Mike said. It was very touching. I lost mine a few years ago as well.
Starting point is 00:21:22 Before he could see me get married or have kids. It sucks. But life goes on as you find out. Thank you, Sean Johnson. I remember. And then Ryan. Oh, yeah, go ahead. No, go ahead.
Starting point is 00:21:34 Well, I was going to say, I remember when we all went to Sorelli's dad's funeral and that, you know, very much caught him by surprise. And we were 22 or something. And somehow I had the wisdom because John beat himself up a little. He gave a eulogy and, you know, he didn't remember the last time like he had told his dad he loved him or something. And, you know, it was a very strong,
Starting point is 00:21:54 like Italian household. So I don't think there was a lot of that, you know? And I mean, there was love, but it was never stated, you know? And so, and everything that he did, it was that generally, he was an immigrant, literally took the boat from Italy to come to America and start blah, blah, blah. But anyway, I somehow had the wisdom to, which everyone should remember. Like, it's like, you know, your dad was a son also,
Starting point is 00:22:18 and they understand not telling your dad, I love you. You know, like, you know, you have to have that, like a kid could kid could really and maybe you did a little a kid could really do a number on himself thinking their parent is unaware of how appreciative they are and you know because it's uncommunicated and uh you know I don't think that's always the case well do you remember Kevin Lynch's father died while we were in college and he died on Father's Day. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. And so I wrote my dad a letter and I said, my friend Kevin's dad just died. And all I could think was that maybe he hadn't told him how much he loved him. So I'm writing to tell you
Starting point is 00:23:01 that. And then I went on to say some some loving things to him. And so I wrote it. I sent it. Come home for the summer. Never mentions it. Never says a word. No acknowledgement. And then when he died, we were going through his desk, cleaning out his desk. And I found a bundle of letters with a rubber band around it. And it was every letter I'd ever sent him. Cause I used to send him letters when I was traveling around Europe and from college and, uh, and they were all, they were all tucked away in his desk with a rubber band on them.
Starting point is 00:23:33 And I found that letter. Dude, that's the most touching that that's a perfect ending to a great movie or a short film or like any story. That's the classic, like almost cinema paradiso type ending like what a memento literally for him and that's amazing and i and i remembered it when you were halfway through i'm like fuck yeah that's right he yeah i put in my book i put the letter in my book that's so cool yeah and i think it's something that spills over into my family we're very we're very communicative in our in our family about stuff about feelings um you know
Starting point is 00:24:13 and we do something i don't know if i should say this but me and owen have this kind of running joke where when i bring him to the airport and i drop him off, he kisses me right on the lips. Come on. Yeah, just to get a reaction out of people. And people probably wonder, is that like a rich older guy and that's his boyfriend? Or are they some kind of weirdo family? You should definitely put on accents after you kiss just don't be american doing that shit and uh well we know that owen's never gonna have a problem like
Starting point is 00:24:56 do you think your dad knew how much you loved him i hope so the last time i saw him i kissed him right on the fucking lips oh god um do you hug your kids a lot oh yeah for sure yeah and then no we're good and i you know i'm getting very sentimental i think you know like we compare notes a lot of people are like oh i'm i half a song, constantly half a song away from crying. Like I can get there in no time. And, uh, so I communicate that, like I will, I will tell them how special I think they are. And, uh, and so that's definitely increased for sure. And it's, you know, it's, it's, I have to take a little credit away from myself. It's also easier when I'm a parent half the time, you know what I mean? Like it's, it's not a day in, day out. So by definition, my time with them is, is more special than when I was married, you know, and, and living with them full time. And of course now Sophie lives in Michigan, you know,
Starting point is 00:26:02 at college. So, so that already is more special, but even with Olivia, who's my roommate half the time, um, you know, I'll give myself back the credit that I am being aware to communicate that stuff. Yeah. That's great. You know, what's great is camping trips. I mean, no, one's got a phone. You're not in a city. You're not navigating restaurants and parking and bullshit you're just like setting up a tent and hanging out it's the best well i love going september to the uh eastern sierras because the mosquitoes have already ducked out uh because the night maybe will get a little cold and i found that place you go up you catch you know golden
Starting point is 00:26:42 trout and you know you release them right away but, up in the home of golden trout, I believe, but it's in, uh, John Muir woods, the national park. Anyway, it's, it's basically right near Mount Whitney and we should do it. We should go in September. I know Sophie and Jojo who know, well, actually, you know, Owen might be around. So let's talk about that'd be amazing yeah let's do it perfect day gotta say it gets a little that's when i that's when i freaked out on the guy at uh at rei i came back i'm like hey listen i bought your 30 degree bag he's like oh what do you think 30 degrees is i'm like what do i think it is i think i could sleep in it without wanting to kill myself at 30 degrees.
Starting point is 00:27:25 And he's like, no, no, no. That's, that's the degree where a human body will technically survive. I'm like, that should be shared because I put every bit of clothing over,
Starting point is 00:27:40 over a two hour period. I dug through my pack. I had socks on my hands and I was like, I dug through my pack. I had socks on my hands, and I was zipped up so my hot air could get. It was miserable. Right, right. Oh, that's scary. And you got nowhere to go. No, pitch blackout.
Starting point is 00:27:57 This comes from, I don't know who this comes from, but it came in. Came in the mailbox. All right. The aero design of a formula one car is designed to avoid putting a lot of pressure on the driver's head from the wind being generated i mentioned last week i don't understand why there's no windshield on a formula one car they're going 200 miles an hour the halo or roll bar as you refer to it also helps but is mainly there for the driver's safety as you you mentioned, with Max Verstappen
Starting point is 00:28:25 and Lewis Hamilton's car hopping incident. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So there is now a budget cap on how much each team can spend on their cars, but he says the effects have been minimal. And so, yeah. So, I mean, I'm almost done with the series i got like three episodes left i think there's four or five seasons i cannot recommend this f1 series on netflix anymore it's amazing i want to see it because everyone who has told me that has less than zero interest in
Starting point is 00:29:02 formula one going in same with me and for it to be that impressive means they are doing some really great storytelling in the edit bay yes and uh they're also shooting with about 50 cameras at about 50 events a year there and it's all super high def 8k cameras i mean it's like they they can you can see the details of the car driving by at 200 miles an hour it's insane and they get the noise of the engines and i mean there's only 20 f1 drivers in formula one that's it that's the entire and we're talking about how many 20 there's there's 10 teams they each have two drivers and you know there's formula two there's other circuits but in terms of the big one there's only 20 guys and so you really get to know them and their relationships with some hate
Starting point is 00:29:57 each other some love each other it's it's really wild wow um a formula one story i think it's formula one but uh senna uh you know my girls and i watch that documentary right now whenever like we're in traffic and we're running late i'll be like senna and i'll get i change lanes and of course the girls like can you can you reference a driver who didn't die while driving that maybe that would be a better reference but apparently there's a story and i don't know where it was but and someone can write in and correct but apparently senna crashed out of monte carlo or some famous place where he was absolutely do he was doing really well and he was like one of the most precise drivers i guess
Starting point is 00:30:36 and so anyway he was screaming in the pit like the wall moved like the wall had moved like it was out like an inch or like he it it was like a bad loser. He was like not willing to take credit for hitting the wall on a turn. And the guy like kept listening to him. The guy then went back or maybe he went back with Senate to that turn and the wall was out an inch. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:01 And so someone who knows more about it, maybe write in and we'll read it next week my thought was couldn't he have moved the wall by hitting it but he swears that he had the perfect line and that that inch or less made all the difference and it caught his tire uh i mean they show these guys and they are coming around turns and their S S turns where they go left and then right. And they are an inch from each other, these giant rubber wheels. And if the wheels touch the car,
Starting point is 00:31:34 fucking flips at 200 miles an hour. It's crazy. Well, if you haven't seen Santa, it was like they had the evil German villain who was and they had the biggest rivalry and i gotta take the german side like like denman will you know obviously knee jerk he'll always do that but i gotta take the german side on this one a little bit because senna drove as he would tell you as if god was he was channeling god so. So you have a full blown lunatic who was taking
Starting point is 00:32:08 very risky chances a lot of the time against this amazing German driver. And so anyway, they had a, that rivalry, that movie, that documentary was, was fantastic. The, um, I, I would like to see statistically if there are more accidents since this F1 series started because I drive a Prius and there's a button on the dashboard that says power mode and it basically eradicates all of your gas savings in your Prius and it makes it go way faster and I drive, you got to see a Prius driving up Lincoln Boulevard zipping in between people like an F1 driver.
Starting point is 00:32:47 I'm like an idiot. And I'm not lying to you. The Prius with that power mode on is a very quick car. Well, wait till you get your Mustang because the Mustang only has one setting and it's already factory set to douchebag and fucking asshole. It's a hyphenate.
Starting point is 00:33:04 And it comes with an Italian flag on the license plate cover. Yeah. With the AARP written underneath it. Yeah, exactly. All right. So if you guys want to laugh more like you've been laughing at this podcast so far
Starting point is 00:33:19 when I talk about letters to my dead father, I will be at Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. Those shows are selling out. Get your tickets right away at FitzDawg.com. Also, I'll be in a place called Pottstown, PA at Soul Joel's on July 21st. Wow. You think that sounds funny?
Starting point is 00:33:39 How about the next two nights? I'll be in Point Pleasant at Uncle Vinny's, July 22nd and 23rd. Also known as Soulless Vinny's. You go from Soul Joel's to Soulless Vinny's. It is going to be a lot of Italian people. So come on down and say, how you doing? The way you're talking about Uncle Vinny's, man, I think you're going to build up.
Starting point is 00:34:01 I think you're going to build up. I think you're going to sell it out. Well, I think that Joey diaz lives near there so i'm gonna try to get him to come down and do a little guest spot fuck yeah be fun yeah um absolutely speaking of fun do you like going to musical events i know you do uh i like and i'm mr And on Mr. Last Minute. I'll tell you that very honestly. You know that. I sometimes buy them on the drive there. Yes.
Starting point is 00:34:30 And sometimes when you do that on the wrong apps, you can get taken to the cleaners. Not with GameTime. GameTime.co, not com.co, but really you want to get the app. It's an amazing app. And it lets you buy tickets for sports music, comedy, theater last minute amazing deals and they also have a price guarantee
Starting point is 00:34:51 where if you find the same ticket that is in the same row and section for less Game Time will credit you 110% of the difference. I'm tracking the US Open right now, the golf to try to get tickets. I look at it every day. The prices fluctuate.
Starting point is 00:35:08 But all I got to do, I mean, some of them are $800. Some of them are $84. And you looking for anything right now? You ready? So at the beginning of the podcast, I called it up and I was looking. I'm in Nashville and
Starting point is 00:35:23 they have at the top popular and it knows where I am and as Shania Twain tonight at 630 right now it's 604 and when I called it up it was 55 bucks to go see her it's now 39 no 39 it I literally just watched the thing update because it's 20 it's 25 minutes probably from her warm-up band and all that stuff yeah duran duran is in nashville seven dollars if you want to go next tuesday so this app is sick it's the best way to see a concert and it also takes like two taps and the tickets get sent right to your phone. You don't have to print anything. You can also look around.
Starting point is 00:36:07 It's got this video component. These are cheaper than other sites. Kid Rock in Nashville at the Bridgestone, July 1. And he's a big July 4th, like he has those songs about, he's all about America, obviously, but I think he even has a July 4th. Anyway, 38 bucks. Come on. So snag the tickets without distress with GameTime.
Starting point is 00:36:26 Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. All right. Good read. Do I have paper? Yeah, lowest price guaranteed. All right. Good read.
Starting point is 00:36:47 Do I have paper? Yeah, I got paper. Let's do it. Let's do it. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! I don't know what it is.
Starting point is 00:37:01 I love the sound, though. It's like stuffing paper. It's like gift paper. Oh, maybe somebody got you a gift. No, I pulled it out of the garbage. Swear to God. It was right in there. Somebody bought you a gift, got mad at you and threw out the gift. Quite possibly. Man, is this yours or mine?
Starting point is 00:37:20 It's mine. I loaded the shit out of this document this week. Do it. are mine it's mine i loaded the shit out of this document this week do it gps a man accidentally arrived at the canadian border without a u.s passport causing officers to search his car hiding nearly 400 pounds of marijuana and hundreds of thousands of dollars police said the 60 year old what a bad day followeded the wrong GPS directions and made a wrong turn into the border line at the Canadian Border Services on May 2nd, according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Oh, I love it. If they're mounted police and you're in a car, what are you what are you doing? mounted police and you're in a car what are you what are you doing caught unless they're sitting on like secretariat and sea biscuit i think you're getting a pass on this one how about the directions
Starting point is 00:38:13 make a left at the bridge and you have arrived at the site of your arrest it's like what what the fuck yeah it's got an icon with handcuffs on it couldn't his like you know how like ways has your like it's like is there a policeman you know there's someone reports a policeman up ahead is it still there this one would have been like there's like 16 policemen like 100 are they still there yeah yeah they're still here um yeah meanwhile our friend i'm not gonna say his name but our friend in college had a vol bus and he came back from Canada. You know, I was with him. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, then you tell the story. You tell the story. We're driving out to Jackson Hole. We are 21 and full of dumb.
Starting point is 00:38:58 And we're we by the way, we didn't know we were going to Jackson Hole. We just knew we had the summer before senior year. Let's head we'll see about colorado we're gonna go to the mountains right so uh what the first leg of the uh the drive let's hop into canada because they have stronger beer i remember and i can't remember anything badoors i think badoors probably wrong canadian pronunciation and it was a stronger beer so the the three cars, we were three guys, hop into Canada. And then we come over the Ambassador Bridge into Detroit. We know what we're getting into because Billy has a VW van with a giant steal your face, grateful dead logo on the door.
Starting point is 00:39:39 So we're like, Billy, give me, I'm in a lesbian Subaru wagon. And then Chris was, oh, we said his name, but only first names only. And we're like, Chris is in a Scirocco. Give us, so I put, I'm wearing all the weed. It's on my body in case they pull me over, but I know. So anyway, we drive up Scirocco. They just wave you.
Starting point is 00:40:00 Don't even stop. Subaru, don't even stop. They see the van a hundred yards away. Two of them step in the lane with their hands up yeah they pull billy over we park and watch what's happening they they take his his van door would always fall off billy like approaches the car yes his van door was like a sliding van door you'd slide it and it would slam down and god forbid if your foot was under it so they're starting to open the door billy runs toward the van they brace him like like like a security thing like
Starting point is 00:40:31 what are you doing he's like no the door will fall boom it falls off so anyway they search his van he's like there's nothing in there there's nothing in there they search one of the cassette tapes tiny joint uh tiny um roach is in one of the cassette tapes that we, of course, didn't think to look for. The U.S. government now owns his van because of Ronald Reagan's zero tolerance. So they feel so bad for us, believe it or not. They're like, listen, where are you staying? We're like, well, I guess we're staying here now in Ann Arbor or wherever in Michigan. So they're like, come to the auction tomorrow morning.
Starting point is 00:41:07 We'll auction it off first. But you got to be here at 8 because someone will buy your van. And we're like, fuck. So we get a motel. We have to take all this stuff in the hotel room, out of the car, blah, blah, blah. We buy his van back at auction the next morning. That's amazing. And do you know what happened to that van later?
Starting point is 00:41:25 No. He sold it to, you remember my friend from Belfast, Northern Ireland, Sean? Oh, of course. He sold it to Sean for a case of beer. Wow. And I think Billy might have gotten a better deal on it than Sean.
Starting point is 00:41:39 Oh, especially to Sean. I mean, that case of beer is worth a lot. Yeah. Yeah. That's an amazing story. I did have a question about this story. Not a joke. Uh, like most of my material, but it's interesting. He didn't because he didn't have a passport. He didn't officially enter Canada. I'm wondering like, fuck you, Canada. I'm, I'm not a citizen. I'm not in your country. Fuck you that I have this weed.
Starting point is 00:42:09 So you mean like one of those Smokey and the Bandit scenarios where, like, they make it over the Nevada county line and all the cops have to stop at the border and not follow him any longer? I guess it's, but, like, you're, I mean, maybe he's on Canadian soil, but he's not officially entered. He didn't try to enter the country with the weed. You know, he wasn't saying like, I'm coming in.
Starting point is 00:42:31 Here's my passport. Yeah. So anyway, that's someone, someone can write in someone who has a brain unlike me and might know it. All right. How about your next story, Mikey? You landed another story in the document. Oh, dude. I put, I was on spirit airlines with the worst wifi ever. all right how about your next story mike you landed another story in the document oh dude i put i was
Starting point is 00:42:46 on spirit airlines with the worst wi-fi ever and i loaded all these stories on my phone did you have to pay extra for wi-fi on spirit well they have a neat thing that if you pay for wi-fi you can also pay for water and you can also pay for your seat and you can also pay for any overhead baggage overhead baggage is yeah right right right i hacked that system boy with the new duffel backpack hybrid i love it they don't if you're wearing it on your back they do not look at how big your bag is it's gigantic i love okay martha stewart slams remote work quote should america go down the drain because people don't want to go back to work? She goes, You can't possibly get everything done working three days a week in the office and two days remotely.
Starting point is 00:43:33 Look at the success of France with their stupid, you know, off for August, blah, blah, blah. That's not a very thriving country. She told the news. Her whole look is about French country. Yeah. Stuart 81 also cited her work ethic during the pandemic. I continue to work five days a week. She told the outlet, I haven't stopped at all. You should see my calendar it's horrific dude when i'm 81 my calendar is going to be the opposite of horrific it is going to begin at 11 a.m when i wake up uh and start drinking and playing golf and doing the sudoku and throwing a move on the wife with Viagra stuffed down my throat, there is going to be no office to go to. Yeah. Also, she should be aware more than anyone.
Starting point is 00:44:33 You know how hard it is to do insider trading from home? You know what I mean? She's right. You got to get to the office. That's what she did. She did it from the office. Yeah. That has a place yeah
Starting point is 00:44:46 i mean i just i don't get it 81 i i mean i'm still working hard i got another kid to put through college i got a mortgage and then i'm telling you the day my kids are out of college and everything is funded and i'll get a text from my wife. I'm going to be at the fucking comedy kitchen in Boise, Idaho, halfway through a set. I'm going to get a text from my wife. We just paid off the mortgage and I'm going to be like, good night. 12 minutes into the set. Good night, everybody.
Starting point is 00:45:17 Not selling merch after the show. Who wants all these pins for 10 bucks? And all of my jokes. I'm going to start the bidding on the joke about how men and women are different. Also, it's weird. Her whole mission in life, in Martha Stewart living, is making your home and your home lives better. That's her whole business model, but she doesn't want you there.
Starting point is 00:45:48 Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out of the place. I helped you make cozy. And also like, as far as being productive, like working from home is so advantageous. The average person is commuting like two hours a day, and then you spend an hour chit-chatting in the hallway
Starting point is 00:46:08 to people that you don't want to talk to. There's like three hours of meetings you really don't need to be in, but you get pulled into. Then you got to like go out for lunch. That's an hour. And you haven't even jerked off yet. When you really come down to it people work three to four hours a day that's it that if you're efficient that's all you need you're not grabbing
Starting point is 00:46:32 ass at home either you know like you can be more productive you take that window out of there yep all right this is your story pally new york city York City has reached 324 on the AQI Wednesday afternoon, which is in the worst category. Hazardous on the U.S. government's air quality tracker. If people don't know, there's massive forest fires going on in Canada right now, and the smoke is blowing directly down over New York. I don't know. It sounds like they might have lit up that 400 pounds of weed from that old man's car. Everybody seems really happy in New York, and restaurant sales are through the roof.
Starting point is 00:47:13 Everybody close your windows, or don't. It's pretty funny. Or don't. So they shattered the record that started in 1999. Dubai and Delhi. Is it Delhi or Delhi? Oh, God, not this again. Delhi.
Starting point is 00:47:30 Delhi came in. Even the new one is Delhi. At number two and number three. I've always said Delhi is like a number two in the world with 168 and 164, so half of what New York is. So they've issued. So why New York, do you think? Why wouldn't Buffalo be the absolute worst, or Maine, or Burlington, Vermont, or Boston? It must be some kind of weird wind tunnel that's heading straight down.
Starting point is 00:48:00 But they said that there's an air quality, air health advisory for the entire state, with the exception of the Adirondacks. So it's like now if you see a lot of tents up in the Adirondacks, not campers. Winos from the Lower East Side getting the fuck out of the city. Well, I did see that the WGA, the Writers Guild of America East. And this isn't a joke, officially told picketers to take the day off, and the mayor of New York has now advised everyone to stay indoors whenever possible.
Starting point is 00:48:34 Wow. So it's getting serious. Should we call my mother-in-law? She is a riot. Let me call my mother-in-law. She is from the Bronx. She went to the same high school as my mom in the Bronx. And she has lived in New York City for her entire life.
Starting point is 00:48:53 And is one of the world's greatest complainers. Yes. Because I'm on her side when she's complaining. It's like listening to a good comedian go on a rant. It's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. Right. Right. Right. It's like listening to a good comedian go on a rant. It's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. Right. Right. Right. That's her.
Starting point is 00:49:10 Hi, Greg. Hi, Virginia. I'm just checking on you with all this smoke. Tell her she's on a podcast. We're okay. We're on our way up to Claremont to have dinner with Pat and John. We spent the whole day in the Bronx. Smoke was very bad there. We're wearing a KN95 mask, Johnny and I. We're in a cab right now going up there. You're not wearing the same mask as Johnny at the same time, are you?
Starting point is 00:49:36 No, no. All right, good, good. No, no, no. We're not sharing a mask. She borrowed the cab drivers. But anyway, Erin told you about the house, right? Yeah, it looks like we got some... You accepted an offer on the house?
Starting point is 00:49:53 Yeah, for cash. That's fantastic. Let's get this over with and move forward with our lives. Me too. I am really... And then I want to have a bonfire when this is over and burn mountains of paper. I love it. All right, listen, I got to run. I was just checking in on you real quick.
Starting point is 00:50:15 Yeah. Oh, okay. That'll probably help. Here's Johnny. He says he's not okay. I'm not. I can't breathe, nose, eyes, ears, throat, innervated. Outside of that.
Starting point is 00:50:30 Oh, God. I hope that's the cab driver. Maybe he needs more than a mask. Put a bag over his head. Okay. All right. Okay. Bye-bye.
Starting point is 00:50:39 Bye. That was perfect. That's like when you go out to the weatherman, you know, in the shitty weather or the tornado or the hurricane. it's like it's i'm in a cab i'm wearing a mask it's horrible and with the new york accent it's so perfect it's so great and then her that's that's exactly what i was referring to and then i want to make the biggest bonfire and burn all this paper like she's such a character. Well, the house that just sold with her sisters, the aunt Joe, who just died a year ago, she was 95 and she was literally born in that house physically and lived in it.
Starting point is 00:51:18 Never lived anywhere else for 95 years. You should tell her she's on a place. She could have been like, yeah, we sold out. You know, we took the offer from that China man. I'm going to,
Starting point is 00:51:29 we're just going to take his money. Oh no. The guy's name. No, the guy's name is Nick. The Greek. No, she sold it.
Starting point is 00:51:35 Nick, the Greek. Yup. Wow. Okay. And, uh, and so the house is,
Starting point is 00:51:41 um, it's so funny because like we, we didn't know, I mean her, Erin's mom is going to inherit some decent money. Like houses in the Bronx are suddenly worth a lot of money. It's crazy. That's where everybody's moving. It's the new Brooklyn. So we're getting this
Starting point is 00:51:56 and we took the Greeks off her and you know, hopefully he won't fuck us up the ass like they're, you know, reputed to do. But, uh. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he's going to make me dress up like a sheep. So it feels normal when he starts fucking us. And you know, the Greeks, they're usually, you know, they have their finances all in order. Historically, they're very tight.
Starting point is 00:52:18 The country's sound financially. So yeah. Oh my God. So, uh, all right, right let's do is this you atlanta airport i put it i i found this story i'm surprised spirits wi-fi if you can call it that didn't block this story a woman at the atlanta airport was denied boarding on a spirit airlines flight for being quote too intoxicated she then slapped the gate agent. Per a police report, the woman was subsequently arrested and charged with simple assault. Simple assault. Yeah, it's that simple, ma'am.
Starting point is 00:52:57 It's not a complicated assault. She slapped her in the face. She walked away. It's simple. Well, by the way, I didn't put this detail in there but this is true in the story it says that after she slapped the gate agent she then tried to board which i thought was that's one way to do it amazing yeah yeah right she was denied slapped her and then tried to board yeah well, first of all, too intoxicated.
Starting point is 00:53:27 There's no such thing as too intoxicated for Spirit Airlines. I mean, my sobriety has been tested more by that, like we talked about, like overhead baggage, cup of coffee, seat assignment, all extra charges. And then you get in your seat. It doesn't recline. None of the airline is it. Nothing made me drink more. The airline is literally named after alcohol spirit. Yeah. Meanwhile, the agent then said the slap was the least insulting thing about working at spirit airlines. Yeah. It's simple. I flew it last night and they were the oldest seats. They were like really worn out leather. Like I think it was
Starting point is 00:54:14 formally a Delta plane. Yeah. So it was a really old plane. I was shocked there were an ashtrays on the armrest, but it's like, like what's the, I i they have to do more work to not let the seats recline right unless it's like they come in this is what it probably is they come in the retrofitting crew comes in while they're painting the thing the most obnoxious yellow color in the world they then make the seats so they can't recline. They probably shift them up because there was the only saving grace is the person in front of you. Thank God can't recline because they're right on top of you. And then they probably add three rows. I'm guessing.
Starting point is 00:54:55 I don't know. The FAA recently stepped in and made guidelines for how big a seat has to be because they've gotten so small. They said you cannot any longer make the seat smaller. And they, this is not a joke, unfortunately. And then they, it must be a money grab on all the fat people who can't fit in one seat, which is absolutely has to be so common. I mean, it was a tight squeeze for me and the person next to me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:25 And I'm svelte. Oh, yeah. She was a little roomy, but not so bad. Yeah. It's nice to sit next to a roomy person on a flight. It's a little cushion. It's like a little pillow next to you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:40 The armrest is a lot harder when her fat forearm isn't on it already. Yeah. Hey, let's do some good news her fat forearm isn't on it already. Yeah. Hey, let's do some good news for Govans. Here it is. So I hear you played golf with him a couple days ago? Yeah, and the great Craig Kilbourne came out over to the west side to Penmar. He doesn't golf, but he did have a golf bag. Was he wearing a tuxedo?
Starting point is 00:56:09 Close. He had a golf bag that he's had since he lived in New York, and hanging from it a badge, he certainly will not cut off a tag that was from a winged foot. Oh. And I'm like, message received, sir. Literally top 10 hardest courses to get onto in the United States, Winged Foot.
Starting point is 00:56:32 And his back went out hole three, but he walked the rest of the course. Now, you know, his history was one of the greatest sports center, you know, hosts in the history of ESPN. And that's how he got his illustrious start. Created the voice of that network. And yeah, he and Dan Patrick used to do the show together in the middle of the morning, I think, when they were very young. And then he got the Daily Show from that because he was such a star on ESPN. Anyway, Gubbins hit a good drive at one point, and he's like, oh, you must feel like 5'10 now, huh?
Starting point is 00:57:14 And Gubbins loved it. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that was pretty good. He also was talking a lot. He came up to me at one point, and he goes, he says this is the best you've ever played. And I looked at him kind of puzzled. And he's like, he didn't.
Starting point is 00:57:30 I just like to make shit. I thought you'd yell at him for saying that. I'm just trying to stir things up. By the way, should I reveal my possible episode idea? Or should we just do it as a surprise? With Gubbins.ins okay we're gonna get mail just on you revealing it but you're revealing the idea yeah not the solid plan go ahead not a plan i had a thought today i don't know how it occurred to me it's not even an idea it's it's
Starting point is 00:57:59 not even an idea it's a thought it's in the But what about this? And let's get some feedback from people. Me and Mike, I'm going to be in Ireland for two weeks this summer. And what if one of those weeks we get Dennis Gubbins and Chris Denman to host Sunday Papers, to write the script themselves? And I don't want the meeting. I don't want them to ever have a conversation until they get on a Zoom call, hit record and begin the Sunday papers. I love this idea. I think the listeners are going to demand it. Now, one of the reasons I love it and I don't mean to be I don't mean for this to be a backhanded compliment. I mean it to just be backhanded. Famously, Johnny Carson, when he had guest hosts, and of course Larry Sanders did such a funny job with this, they were always comforted when the guest hosts weren't that threatening. And Johnny, of course, was above being threatened because he did choose killers including gary shandling and of course jay leno jay leno to guest guest host his show but
Starting point is 00:59:12 but larry sanders would talk about like hey you know we could get john stewart they're like no and all of a sudden it was um what's his name hello you know from match game um the great guy riley charles nelson riley he chose over john stewart to be his guest host when he wasn't away that's amazing yeah but i think this is actually if you're a comedy fan this could be very threatening to us because they're going to be really good at this i think i think we should give prizes to anybody that can prove they made it through the entire episode. Meaning that's, Oh,
Starting point is 00:59:50 that they listened to the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. I got it. Yeah. Okay. So that,
Starting point is 00:59:55 that may be coming in July. We'll see. All right. No, I'm sorry. August. All right. Here we go.
Starting point is 01:00:01 We're on entertainment. Entertainment. We had a we had an email from Liz who said, if you haven't heard about it, you must watch The Curious Case of Natalia Grace, Natalia Grace on HBO. Probably Natalia. Yeah. It's crazy. It's the story of an adopted Ukrainian little person. Her her parents said i'm in don't even say another word i'm in i know that's why i'm reading this email i get a million emails from people recommending shows but this one i was like all right we got to put this down all right her parents said she is older than she claimed so they dumped her in an apartment and moved to canada i am so in. I am in, you know, I just started.
Starting point is 01:00:48 I didn't just start. I'm I there's only three episodes. I think I've watched two of the army hammer doc. Have you seen it? No, I've read, I've read articles about army hammer. It's insane story. So, uh, this is what I would say to anyone who's going to watch it uh episode one if you have read those articles and you have seen his you know crazy you know text messages and sexting um was a little boring for me because they had to establish it like as if you had never seen that stuff episode two starts getting into his great-grandfather grandfather and father and it's fantastic and yeah yeah it's really good and there's a long history and when you're watching it you really do get a sense of yeah what they of course they're above the law they had billions back when there
Starting point is 01:01:42 were no billionaires like like his, whatever, there's spoilers, but they get away with, let's just say murder. And it's unbelievable. Of course, money can buy almost anything. Well, you look at the same story with that family in South Carolina that had generations of wealth. They were all lawyers and they started killing people. Just killed people. But we don't realize how, yeah, anyway, he way more popular, way more powerful than that,
Starting point is 01:02:14 like infinitely more powerful than that family. Yes. There was also a recommendation. Timothy Cain said, have you or Mike seen the PBS documentary Once Upon a Time in Northern Ireland? Five part series about the troubles. Anyway, I got this email yesterday.
Starting point is 01:02:35 And last night, my whole family was out. So I sat down and I watched three episodes of it. It's fucking amazing. It is this really insightful, honest, raw interviews with people, both Protestant and Catholic that lived in Belfast and Derry during the troubles. The troubles are basically from the late sixties. They went on for like 25, 30 years. And it was just a war zone. I mean, the Ireland was just bombs going off and snipers and hatred, just pure, unadulterated fucking Israeli-Palestinian kind of hatred. But it was these people that now, as they've gotten older, have some perspective, have some guilt, feel very conflicted and uh it's it's really deep it's it's an amazing documentary i highly recommend it and then he went on to talk about
Starting point is 01:03:32 the band the irish band sorry about my voice steph little fingers which he calls like the irish clash and you heard of them yes of course i wish i would i'd sometimes confuse it because um elvis costello had a self-given nickname like like that he would call himself like and and sometimes someone will write in next week and correct me but or like clarify but it was like a credit on his albums um it was broken little fist something like that so i would would confuse it. But it's interesting. The reason I read that part of his note was because it's funny. I always view English punk bands in a loose way, almost as Irish because they're so anti-English.
Starting point is 01:04:21 Yes. Like Joe Strummer to me, who is by no stretch of the imagination Irish, but he, and same with Declan McManus, which is Elvis Costello, so hated Margaret Thatcher, and so hated the aristocracy, and so hated the royal family. Hated Oliver Cromwell, Oliver's army. hated oliver cromwell oliver's army they were very in line with uh you know irish sentiment yeah so um anyway but okay i also finished with sophie we watched uh the last of us and and olivia both my daughters great series it you know that's i won't spoil it at all but it was an
Starting point is 01:05:00 interesting ending i will say it was a very writer's ending that probably causes a lot of conversations yes about right and wrong and about what would you have done so i liked it i respect it i respected the ending a lot where do you think it leaves the series for the next season is there a next season that's my question uh so it's it's based very closely to a video game which i know nothing about i'm wondering if the video game had a a second i don't know what do you call video games second iteration there is the next season says denman okay well it it sets it up great for another season yeah now that's that that's what i thought i thought it was like oh i'm fucking in on the next season there was just another game
Starting point is 01:05:53 so it's like part two that's what it would be on a video game okay two good all right well let's not talk too much about a show we don't want to spoil. Okay. His next story. Well, I can't spoil this show, but the new season of I Think You Should Leave just dropped. Yeah. And I can't wait to watch it. I love that guy. He's very controversial. A lot of people can't stand him. But I feel the same way about Eric Andre.
Starting point is 01:06:28 him i but i feel the same way about um eric andre you know like you're either all in or you find this guy annoying and you just don't get it he listen he's annoying by design so sometimes that annoys people genuinely like goldie and i were talking about goldie played golf too with us he's my old writing partner goldie is uh one of the funniest guys in town and works on family guy. Why don't you say his full name? Jonathan. Well, it's Julius Sharp is his writing name. Jonathan Goldblatt is his God given name. So it's a little, always confusing. I never understood that why he did that. But anyway, he talked about the sketch where it's a tour of a haunted house and they go
Starting point is 01:07:07 and this will be very short but it'll show you why it's annoying and so they're like well welcome to the 8 30 tour and it's we're in the pm now so this is the adult tour so we can say whatever the hell we want and then he's like ah cunt fuckers fucking cunt like and they're like sir sir you said we could say anything and that's all the sketch is about is him complaining about the technicality well i would just say we could say anything if i can't say fuck fuck tits fucker and like it's hysterical or incredibly annoying well the guy's the guy's name is Tim Robinson, and he was an SNL writer for not long. No. And apparently, they couldn't wait
Starting point is 01:07:51 during the pitch meetings for his pitches because they were so insane, everybody would laugh, and they never got on the air. And Chris put up, he was also in Detroiters, and Detroiters was a cult favorite on Comedy Central. And he was kind of true to his character there, you know. Oh, it's great. All right, we got a story here.
Starting point is 01:08:13 I just love it. Michael J. Fox suffered a tragic fall over the weekend. While the actor was appearing at a Back to the Future Q&A panel in Pennsylvania, he sadly lost his balance while making his way onto the stage. He landed on a couch and it came three years after he retired from his career due to the severity of his Parkinson's disease. I read all your jokes. your jokes go for it i literally just put that in for the awkward moment after i finished the story where people would say like what what the fuck are they gonna say about this that is a that is a leave it alone we rarely have no fly zones but i just don't see a winning side
Starting point is 01:09:08 and doing jokes on this no there is none and i pick a lot of losing sides trust me i i i've already said chinaman so i get it yeah uh here's a here's a one we can read and feel good about. Jay Johnston of Mr. Show, Arrested Development, The Sarah Silverman Show, Bob's Burgers, and Anchorman fame has been arrested in connection with the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol. Yep. Now, was he, he was rumored to be hiding, wasn't he? Because when his photo popped up, everybody in comedy freaked out. Because they're like, there's no way that's Jay Johnston. There's no way. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:56 And Mr. Show is one of the reasons, almost literally, I moved to LA and started my career. Because at HBO, I was assigned to promote them and so and i met jay and he couldn't everyone on mr show could not have been nicer to me and even though i was a promos guy you know you'd think they'd kiss hbo's ass it was the opposite they thought hbo was gonna promos was going to ruin their image. Like, if anything, I was going to be the fucking annoying guy that they didn't share anything with. Anyway, so he was very nice. But, yeah, there's the picture. Chris just put it up.
Starting point is 01:10:35 And, all right, this is the one thing I have to say about it. This is what I want more than anything. Mr. Show had an incredibly famous sketch called The Story of Everest. If you have not seen The Story of Everest sketch, go to YouTube right now. And the star of it is Jay Johnston. And he comes in and he tries to tell his family about his adventure on Everest. And every time he's telling it, he falls backwards and he hits this display case of thimbles the parents have a thimble connection and all the thimbles fall to the floor and it's the most annoying thing to put them all back and then he continues his story well what i want to see bob and dave and jay do
Starting point is 01:11:19 is recreate the thimble sketch which it's known, but it's him telling the story of raiding the Capitol. That's what I want. That would be the most viral thing. That would be amazing. The audio, my SD card on my voice recorder just said it's full and hasn't been recording. So just so you know, we will, we will be using the audio from the Zoom call. And now I'm putting in a new SD card that hopefully works.
Starting point is 01:12:00 People can't wait for Denman and Gubbins to host this. I had a switch Wi-Fi in the middle of the podcast, and now you don't even have memory on your card. Oh, my God. Which is a guaranteed thing you should check. Well, no, it said it had like 112 hours left on it, the card. But maybe I should... This has felt that long.
Starting point is 01:12:23 Well, they all say invalid SD card. So I think we're going to just go with the audio from the computer for the rest of... I have literally seven SD cards and every one I put in, the recorder says SD card invalid. Well, we've been going for like an hour 11 or something okay we have some good floridas and australia should we anyway yeah all right well let's get the one thing i always say about jay johnston is i know jay really well he was uh we were writers together on cedric the entertainer presents which was on a sketch show on fox and jay was not only a writer, but he was in a lot of the sketches. And he was just the nicest guy,
Starting point is 01:13:08 one of the most talented people I've ever met. And he was sober since he was pretty young. And then he came to me and he knew that I was sober. And he said, you know, I'm thinking about drinking again. And I'm wondering what I should do. And so I said, well, I don't really know. I'm not like a program guy, but let me talk to my aunt. So I call my aunt who's in the program and I, she's been in the program for 30 years. And I said, what should he do? And she goes, well, you know, they say in the program that sometimes you need to touch your bottom again.
Starting point is 01:13:45 in the program that sometimes you need to touch your bottom again and then it just reinforces your sobriety so i tell them this and on friday nights we would shoot and then there would be a party after the show and uh uh john ballman rest rest in peace the showrunner would crack open a bottle of 12 year old scotch after the tap, and everybody would drink, and then a party would break out. So that Friday, Jay has some Scotch and then leaves. Monday comes, Jay's not at work. Tuesday comes, Jay's not at work. Comes in on Wednesday looking haggard, and he then, like, on Wednesday looking haggard and he then like had a serious treatment thanks and Teresa great advice I know oh his relationship fell apart everything and uh seems to be I mean technically she's right but how about like why don't we go out you know know, offer to go out to dinner? Or she could have given advice like, you know, that's a big step. Yeah. So maybe he should he and he clearly is mixed on it. He asked you about it. Yes, I was the wrong guy to ask, obviously. And again, I'm not a I'm not a program
Starting point is 01:14:59 guy. I try to never give people advice about sobriety. I mean, what do I know? Cut to he's a revolutionary. An outlaw. Literally an outlaw. He was so drunk he thought that the election had been overturned, was stolen. All right, let's do some Make America Florida. Coming up. I just love this is a short one. Florida man shot and killed by police after his mother calls 911 on him for making suicidal threats. Well, it sounds like mommy called her son's bluff.
Starting point is 01:15:52 The next day she called the police on her ne'er-do-well son, the other son. Yeah, hi, my son is threatening to tase himself and throw himself in jail. Can you get here right away? He'll be home in an hour if he could meet us here i i think the mother should be arrested as an accomplice to the murder yeah i know i mean the cop the cops won't be charged with the murder but at least charge the mother son we took a ma'am we took care of it your son is in no danger and will not harm himself. Mission accomplished. What about this other one? A Florida man reportedly, I love this. This is so- By the way, you don't have to hold up your microphone anymore
Starting point is 01:16:32 because you're using your computer audio. You don't think they're going to use my audio so I sound better? No, they can't. I'm still going to commit to it. Who knows? It's a backup. Oh, he's saying we can still use Mike's mic.
Starting point is 01:16:43 Okay. My voice needs every every bit of help it can get a florida i love this because it's really a true like it has all the ingredients of a great florida man and the characteristics of those men a florida man reportedly fell asleep behind the wheel while in the middle of 95, the interstate, over Memorial Day weekend, blocking traffic in the area. His vehicle was still in drive and his foot was on the brake. Deputies approached the truck, of course, and found the 21-year-old driver passed out behind the wheel. He was removed from the vehicle and deputies found two guns and a 12-pack of twisted
Starting point is 01:17:28 tea on the passenger side with only six twisted teas remaining unopened. The driver reportedly reeked of alcohol and his speech was slurred. He told deputies he had only one drink while at a strip club in Orange County. Well, that lap dance sure took a lot out of him. Yeah, I was going to say, usually the drinks at strip clubs are on the weak side, but this club really packs a punch. I think so, man. By the way, I found an SD card. I'm back to recording again. Oh, look at us. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:18:07 Producers on the fly. Yeah. Well, you know, it's not unusual. First of all, in Florida, not unusual to be on the highway and there's a car just stopped. That's just old age. They just die on 95 South. That's the, there's the passing lane and then there's the do not resuscitate lane. Jammed.
Starting point is 01:18:32 Yeah. It's called a shoulder because that's what they're leaning on against the car horn usually. That's where all their drool is falling. All right. What about Australiaia what about make make a florida and what kind of alibi what kind of alibi is the one drink in the strip club to explain the six empty twisted teas and the firearms they're like sirs like i told you i had one drink at the club they're like yes sir we got that in fact let's just say we believe you. You have two loaded firearms on your passenger seat. That has nothing to do with candy at the club. I didn't know that was illegal in Florida. I thought guns could just be everywhere.
Starting point is 01:19:21 I think you're right. I mean, hopefully they're his I mean, I don't even know what you need to have a gun in Florida. I think it's it's pretty easy to own one. I obviously it's registered, I assume. Yeah. And you can have as many as you want, I assume. Yeah. All right, let's make Florida, Australia. Let's do it. Okay, we got two here. And the first one i just put in because it seems like the weirdest title australian man was actually nebraska teen who murdered parents and escaped from prison dna test reveal jeez so finally this australian mystery is over everybody had guessed he was a Kansas team. So close. He was a Nebraska team. Yeah. The, it is funny, like the more and more I talk to people about Australia, it really
Starting point is 01:20:16 is, it really is the Florida of the world. Like when I was, I remember when I was in Bali. It's a penal colony just like florida yeah right it's where you go when you have nowhere left to go and i remember being in bali for our honeymoon which is the most pristine it's the only hindu island in indonesia indonesia is an art how do you say archipelago archipelago archipelago and it and it's a lot of muslim islands it's this christian islands but it's the only hindu island and it's spiritual and it's beautiful but it's also close to australia and these drunks come out with fucking you know bermuda shorts and sunburns
Starting point is 01:21:01 and they just pound drinks and chase balinese women it's gross they they totally there's this one park uh there's one beach that's called uh huta and that's where they mostly hung out that's like the fort lauderdale of bali wow yeah you usually know when australians are in the house no matter what that house is. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Here we go. Another Australian. Man forced to pay $3,300 for racial three-word slur of his Gold Coast neighbor. Let me read that again, because maybe this will be it.
Starting point is 01:21:39 Man forced to pay $3,300 for racial three-word slur of his Gold Coast neighbor. $3,300 for racial three-word slur of his Gold Coast neighbor. The spat started with a complaint over some incorrectly positioned plants and soon escalated. German-born Australian citizen, this is the neighbor, Hunenberg had spoken to 25-year-old Murray's stepmother about his planting plants on his side of the boundary. The situation escalated later when Hunnenberg went outside the front of his property to check how his son had parked his car. Murray was standing out the front of his parents' property with his father and
Starting point is 01:22:17 half brother. When he yelled out to Hunnenberg, what are you looking at? You fucking German cop. Harnenberg, what are you looking at, you fucking German cunt? And I think the dad must have been like, son, how many times do I got to tell you? Drop the German part. Fucking cunt is already doing all the heavy lifting in that insult. And if you just say that, you're not going to get arrested.
Starting point is 01:22:55 Yeah. Oh, it's great. Yeah. Cunt is the, it's the Royal flush of curses. Totally. Oh, Australia. Although not, not in your house. Your daughters think it's kind of a way of saying something's cool. Yes. It's empowering, Greg. That's what I've learned. All right. On to sports. Take it away. Huge story. This is your story. Read away. The PGA, this is really the lead story as of Wednesday. The PGA Tour agreed to merge with rival LIV. Do the people say live or LIV?
Starting point is 01:23:38 Live. Do they? Yeah. I would have guessed the opposite. Rival Live Golf, which is, sorry, let me start again. The PGA Tour agreed to. Rival Live Golf, which is, sorry, let me start again. The PGA Tour agreed to merge with Rival Live Golf, which is backed by the Saudi Arabia Public Investment Fund, an entity controlled by the Saudi Crown Prince. Family members of those who perished in September 11th, terrorist attacks and protests. Sorry, that threw me.
Starting point is 01:24:04 Why would you say 9-11? Family members of those who perished in 9-11 have protested the league, including outside of events. 15 of the 19 hijackers on 9-11 were from Saudi Arabia, and Osama bin Laden, the mastermind behind the attacks, was born there as well. behind the attacks was born there as well. PGA Tour and Commissioner Jay Monahan talked last summer about knowing people who lost loved ones on 9-11, then wondered aloud on national television whether live golfers ever had to apologize for being a member of the PGA Tour. They do now, the PGA Tour. They do now, as does he, said 9-11 Families Unity Chair Terry Strada, whose husband Tom died in 9-11. PGA Tour leaders should be ashamed of their hypocrisy and greed. Our entire
Starting point is 01:24:55 9-11 community has been betrayed by Commissioner Monaghan, and the PGA, as it appears, their concern for our loved ones was merely window dressing in their quest for money it was never to honor the great game of golf so what they did is they came out so strongly against Liv and now they've joined them yeah it's and I haven't heard any details, but there's a docu-series about golf. It's the same people that did Formula One. And one of the producers tweeted out, we got all of this in the next season. Like, they've got all the behind-the-scenes machinations of what would make the PGA join up. I mean, just to give people more background, the Saudis, the company, it's a Saudi national company.
Starting point is 01:25:48 It's basically the government as a fund. And they are trying to whitewash their crimes, including killing that journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. And they, you know, what they've done with women and gays. And anyway, so they're trying to whitewash it. This company is worth like $200 billion and floating this tour costs them maybe a billion. And it's the greatest PR campaign they could possibly launch.
Starting point is 01:26:19 And it's out of the mouths of their poor people. Right. Although, PGA is being a little self-congratulatory about have you ever had to apologize? Yeah, maybe when your caddy had to take the week off so that a black person could carry your bag. There may be a couple little scars. Yeah, I think so.
Starting point is 01:26:43 Although I noticed shocking- Although that's different than the PGA, I guess, but they participated. They played along. Although not shocking, did not make a bid on the LPGA. Ah. I mean, maybe they figured it would be tough for the female golfers to follow through with the burqa on. They wouldn't be allowed to drive the golf carts obviously a lot of lost balls because it's tough to see through those little slits in your in your hood i think the lpga tour uh rejected them because get the get the audacity live was going to make them hit closer to the hole like
Starting point is 01:27:27 to tee off closer to the hole and also like not to hit it nearly as far as the men they were going to impose those restrictions on the ladies and they were going to make them three putt more which has nothing to do with size and And yet, that's the facts. That's the data. Yeah, they should not accept those terms. It's demeaning. PGA, I was reading in the fine print, the PGA will run holes 1 through 8 and 12 through 18. The Saudis control 9 through 11.
Starting point is 01:28:02 Yeah. Some things never change. I know. It just seems like, and I think they're, they're insisting that the night before any tournament on September 11th, all the players have to get drunk at a strip club. I think it's in very poor taste though, that they're also going to start as a, as a policy. They're going to call the first T ground zero. What? No. Yeah. Cause yeah. Cause you haven't scored yet.
Starting point is 01:28:26 You're still right. Perfect. Perfect. Low score of zero. Yeah. I do think instead of in going the whole, they'll yell Allah Akbar. All right. Enough.
Starting point is 01:28:38 We beat the boy. Like Baba. Baba. Baba. Baba. Baba. Baba. Baba.
Starting point is 01:28:41 Baba. Baba. Baba. Baba. Baba. Let's do a little science blinded me here we go blinded me with science thank god you don't sing on key or we would have gotten flagged for uh copyright on that where is science here you go
Starting point is 01:29:05 first virgin birth by a crocodile has been reported by a reptile park in costa rica a lot of shit happens in costa rica an 18 year old cried by the way the only virgin left in costa rica an 18 year old crocodile laid an egg containing a fully formed fetus despite having been housed alone for 16 years and never mating uh it's the first instance of facultative parthenogenesis or virgin birth seen in speed in the species an expert said he strongly infers that this means dinosaurs could also have virgin births well if this is anything like all the the uh virgin pregnancies in female prisons i would take a dna sample of the guards at that zoo i yeah i bet you're gonna find a match yeah you're gonna find a match from a guy who's got some bite marks got a smile on his face but he's also got some bite marks.
Starting point is 01:30:06 Yes. And then also, I was reading it said three wise crocodiles came from afar and brought gold, frankincense, and a chubby Florida toddler. Those are the gifts? Didn't want the mer. Didn't want the mer. Wanted a fat baby. I like it
Starting point is 01:30:25 uh let's get to some business thank god the crocodiles of age here we go lululemon ceo so this was it makes sense the more i read it but the l Lululemon CEO stands by his decision to fire staff for chasing thieves out of a Lululemon store and says he would do it again in the name of safety. It's only merchandise, he said. So he fired them. Meanwhile, at Angelo's Army and Navy in Staten Island, the policy remains, follow the shoplifter outside, reverse Joe Colden while the other salespeople beat him with tie rods. I think this is definitely a countdown until those fired employees just waltz in and rob the shit out of that store. Right. With no recourse. Right, right.
Starting point is 01:31:23 Hey, Bill. Hey, how you doing, Sally? Sales good today? Yeah, we've been ringing up a lot of guys. All right. I'm just going to grab a few things. I'll see you later. You know, that's maybe what it was because that was a stated rule. Like you just hang back. So they probably were like getting their friends to rob the store to make it look good. We're going to give a little chase. Yeah. Yeah. To really make it seem like this wasn't our friends and our plan. Not an inside job. Then the employee comes in the next day wearing the stolen goods. I borrowed my friend's shirt.
Starting point is 01:31:54 How did I know they robbed the store? All right, let's go to this day in history. Go for it. All right, we've been talking about formula one on june 11 1955 a racing car in le mans france now i don't know if this was formula one i don't was there formula one back then i'm not sure what race it was but uh i didn't know about this story. This is crazy. The car went out of control and crashed into the stands, killing 82 people. What? The tragedy in the famous 24-hour race led to a ban on racing in several nations. First held in 1923 and since has been held nearly every June, begins at 4 p.m. on Saturday afternoon and lasts for the next 24 hours over a 13-kilometer course
Starting point is 01:32:50 running through the country roads near Le Mans. The winner is the racer who covers the greatest distance in that time. I think this was in Ford versus Ferrari. That's the race. That's where the three American Fords crossed the finish line together, I believe. Chris is saying it's pronounced Le Mans, not Le Mans. I guess they could have two drivers. Before 1970, each car could only have two drivers.
Starting point is 01:33:18 Only a single driver was allowed in the early days of the race. Three are required today. I guess this guy, Pierre Levas, was driving alone. in the early days of the race, three are required today. I guess this guy, Pierre Lava, was driving alone. He could have won. He was in the lead. And he fucking crashed. I mean, the race back then must have been like,
Starting point is 01:33:43 let's see who can not fall asleep. Yeah. I mean, that was part of it, for sure. The car was going about 150 miles an hour, and he catapulted upward, crashing into the grandstand, and exploding parts went straight into the crowd. Damn. And he walked away.
Starting point is 01:34:06 The only scratch he had was from all the women he had whose nails yeah so the race continued despite the horrific accident what yeah uh purportedly because if the remaining spectators had left the area they would have blocked the ambulance call to pick up the dead and injured uh The Grand Prix races in Germany and Switzerland scheduled for later that year were canceled. And Spain and Mexico temporarily banned motor racing following the 1955 Le Mans tragedy. You see what Chris is writing in here? This is cool.
Starting point is 01:34:41 Corolla has a doc called 24-Hour War about this involved Ford versus Ferrari. Wow. Wow. cool corolla has a doc called 24-hour war about this involved ford versus ferrari wow wow all right well corolla is obsessed with racing one day i will take out upwards of two people with my prius that's it once once a prius hits one, it loses almost all its velocity. Nice. All right, we're doing letters? Let's do some letters. Now, we put it out to you, as we do.
Starting point is 01:35:18 This show is a communion between audience and hosts. And we said we're thinking about doing some merch. You guys have sent us some some amazing ideas eric says i think you should have really understated golf polos with just a little sunday papers logo on the breast it would be one of those if you know you know sort of things that sounds kind of classy maybe too classy maybe yeah it might be too classy for us don g Gilroy, on the other hand, goes without class and says, all the grocery stores in my area require shoppers to supply their own shopping bags. Custom shopping tote bags are low cost and easy to ship.
Starting point is 01:35:58 Very true. Don't we all have too many tote bags? In L.A., certainly. But a good one, especially one. don't we all have too many tote bags in LA certainly but a good one especially one you know what the ones I like are they're the thinnest you can literally put in your front pocket like scrunch it up
Starting point is 01:36:14 oh yeah something like that and what if we got one of our daughters to silk screen it yep start a little sweatshop okay yeah meep zork i think that's his name he writes us sometimes i've seen bands and comedians do this i'm a huge card nerd so i would buy this in an instant you make up a pack of cards each one has four or five inside out of a complete set of 30 or 40 and uh it randomly inserted or autographs stickers puzzle pieces shiny parallel cards etc find the gubbins perhaps that sounds really cool
Starting point is 01:36:56 and very likely something we would never finish doing yeah that sounds uh intricate for our simple brains but that very cool idea idea love the idea if you told me if you just had a list of names these are all the people that wrote in this week who wrote that one beep zork first guess yep that's such a zorky email oh he meeped that one right in ryan malley said you guys are talking about weed grinders while overlooking the obvious rolling papers. If you can custom make rolling papers with our logo on them, that's fucking
Starting point is 01:37:33 done. Can't you? I was just saying maybe somebody could send us a link. But if we can do that, that's what we're doing because then we can literally put it in an envelope and mail it out and be done. Yeah. We'll charge you guys a dollar for shipping.
Starting point is 01:37:53 A really easy thing to do is, but I don't think we have enough golf listeners, but you make the stamps that put your monogram on a golf ball. You personalize your golf ball. Yeah. You'd have a sunday papers logo okay it's not bad uh paul sampson rosie's bagels has a golf logo do they yes i have one if you like bagels and you live on the west side of los angeles go to rosie's bagels la.com and get yourself some molasses. Carol Leifer's going to be eating some.
Starting point is 01:38:28 Yep. Boiled in molasses. Crispy on the outside. Soft in the middle. All the smears. All the toppings. Get on it. Delivered to your door.
Starting point is 01:38:39 Got to be on the west side of LA, though. That's all. One little catch. Paul Sampson says, a lot of maroon items cap zip sweaters or polos or or a roll-up paper where ralph has his polo on the horse logo what does that mean that's ralph lauren the polo logo oh right okay yeah um okay i think that's enough mail for today uh yeah uh someone wrote about air what else was their pride yeah yeah yeah cunt is trending yes uh all right what are we up to get to all those we're up to the obituaries do you have one yeah and that's all folks short week very short very short obituary norma hunt pronounced hunt was the longtime wife of
Starting point is 01:39:42 kansas city chiefs founder lamar hunt and a matriarch to the team. They were married in 64, just before the team he owned, the Dallas Texans, became the Kansas City Chiefs. They remained married until his death in 2006, at which time ownership of the Chiefs transferred to Norma and Hunt's children with their son representing the team. Norma and Hunt's children with their son representing the team. Hunt was an enthusiastic supporter of the Chiefs and the NFL, and she was the only woman who attended all 57 Super Bowls. At Super Bowl 56, she participated in the coin toss. She also set another record by asking 57 years in a row how a first down works i doubt that i doubt that very much it's true i didn't know there was already a team the texans at one point yeah that's interesting right um but you know that's short and sweet one let's yeah let's cheer up. Let's cheer up, Mike.
Starting point is 01:40:46 Let's cheer up. Let's do the Sunday funny. I didn't even realize I was down about that bitch. But all right, let's do it. Now we got Hager and his gang of marauders is standing outside the moat of a castle. The king and the queen look furtively over the edge of their balcony. The king and the queen look furtively over the edge of their balcony.
Starting point is 01:41:07 The king looks down and says, the deep moat is keeping us safe from Hagar. And then the queen says, well, it's not keeping storage boxes in the basement safe. And you see the moat is leaking into the basement. What? Yeah, and then you see Hagar and Lucky looking up at the queen lustfully.
Starting point is 01:41:25 They're not thinking about treasures. They are looking at this hot-ass queen. And you see the fear in her eyes. They, too, are thinking about wet boxes. I'll tell you that right now. And pearl necklaces. I think they have way bigger concerns than their wet storage boxes, especially since this predates cardboard.
Starting point is 01:41:54 Right. Everything was metal back then. Yeah. All right. You're going to love this one. Leroy is standing in front of the mirror holding his big belly. Loretta goes, a waste is a terrible thing to mind look at that that's fucking solid joke writing right you write that in the morning you go to lunch come back you try to do it again that's it that's it meanwhile the family circus
Starting point is 01:42:19 has tried and failed for 50 years to come up with one joke as strong as that. Ridiculous. Here's the far side. You see they're like in a lab, even though there's a couch there. And the scientist is behind the couch and he has his hand on the shoulder of the guy. And so there's a guy and a girl sitting on the couch. And if you look closer, it's Frankenstein and Frankenstein's bride. And the scientist is like, hey, come on now. You two were made for each other. I guess it's bride or Frankenstein, technically. Bride or Frankenstein, yeah.
Starting point is 01:43:03 Can you imagine that? You go through all that work. You build two monsters. Yeah. And he's lonely. Remember the whole premise behind Bride of Frankenstein is that he was so violent because he was lonely. And so he builds her a woman, but she's a cunt. Not in the good way that we all know. No, in the Australian way.
Starting point is 01:43:31 I will say, unlike you, who is much better read than I, I remember, because of my ADD, getting through very many books, and I remember even loving less of them. Frankenstein is still one of the best books I've ever read. Yeah. If I read your book till the end, you had really involved me and you had really stimulated my mind it's it's the granddaddy of so many sci-fi premises like blade runner there's no blade runner without frankenstein right frankenstein's the original i want to meet i'm ai i'm ai and i want to meet my maker yep Yep. I'm pissed. There's no RoboCop. Right, there's not.
Starting point is 01:44:26 It's unbelievable how big a book, and it's such an easy read. Just what a summer book to get. You'll be, it's thrilling. It's fantastic. There you go. Mike Gibbons with literary picks for all of our eighth grade listeners.
Starting point is 01:44:43 And of course, most of the world completely took the wrong message from it and every movie is about a terrifying monster you are so on the monster's side when you read this book and then young frankenstein to me is as good as mel brooks ever got i mean that that was fucking brilliant written Written in West Hampton Beach. No kidding. Yep, on a kitchen table by, of course, what's his name, who stars as Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein. Oh, he was on Everybody Loves Raymond.
Starting point is 01:45:17 He was the... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, Willy Wonka, for Christ's sake. Oh, Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder wrote the script? Yeah, he wrote Young Frankenstein. Oh.
Starting point is 01:45:29 What was the guy who played Frankenstein, the monster? Yeah. Boyle? What? Yeah, Boyle. I want to say Danny Boyle, of course, but what's his name? And he was the best man at John Lennon's wedding or the other way around.
Starting point is 01:45:47 Gene Wilder? No, Boyle. This is a true old person conversation. What? Who? How long does it take Denman to look up Boyle's name? I'm looking at the cursor and I'm wondering, what happened to Denman?
Starting point is 01:46:04 My SD card failed and Denman failed. I used to go to so many everybody loves Raymond tapings. Cause you know, you had introduced me to Ray and I knew, and I, and I worked with him when he promoting his hour at HBO, blah, blah, blah. And his half hour. Anyway, another show that was so, so nice to me, including all those people. denman just wrote was praying you'd move on okay well a little uh direction from chris denman yeah peter boyle yes finally
Starting point is 01:46:37 we get to fucking dagwood laying in bed he's got on here's what kills. He's got on. Here's what kills me. He's got on donut pajamas and he's got a laptop. A laptop is for porn. It's for pulling up videos of beautiful women you can jerk off to. You are laying next to a woman who's way more beautiful than anybody on there. Granted, she's not Filipino and she's not auditioning for porn, but she's laying next to you with her yellow locks draped across her golden shoulders, which are exposed underneath the mauve, really negligee. She wants it. She's reading a magazine, magazine, not a commitment, Dagwood. That means she's browsing and waiting. And what are you doing? He says,
Starting point is 01:47:23 wait, let me just interject, which I rarely do when you're on your tirade. But imagine if you could a world where Dagwood gets more boring and less desirable and take it away. For our summer vacation, did you know New Mexico is home to the world's largest pistachio? Cut your throat, Blondie, right there. Just slit it open in the bed.
Starting point is 01:47:51 She peers over and says, you don't say. And he goes, I also discovered a huge Tulane donut display in Los Angeles. And she goes, what happened to us chilling out at the beach? And he goes, wouldn't that be tough knowing all this great stuff is out there are you seven are you a seven-year-old mildly damaged mentally human being yeah not a normal seven-year-old oh my god seven-year-old does not want to go see the largest pistachio i would want to go see the two largest melons laying on a beach next to me with their golden little toes playing in the sand oh yeah i'm dying over here or her donut both of them what about her donut her donut
Starting point is 01:48:38 hairy there's some hair on this donut that's your wife's vagina dagwood um if you want smaller than the two-story one do yourself a favor it's spring the weather's nice go see a concert go see some theater go see some comedy game time get the app they're going to get you to those events way cheaper than you ever thought possible, and you can wait till the last minute. Go to the Game Time app and create an account. Use code PAPERS. You'll get $20 off your first purchase. Also, we want to thank Midcoast Media, Chris Denman for being there for most of the podcast. Keith, John, Beth, thank you so much for what you guys do.
Starting point is 01:49:26 Oh, thank you. much for what you guys do oh thank you yeah of course uh and and i don't even have to ask mike he wants to promote uh frankenstein by mary mary shelley already plugged it everyone go do that there you go and don't quit on don't quit on it's not great but don't quit on the army hammer after After the first episode, it gets more interesting. I would also like to apologize if any breaking news happens in the next three days, but we had to get this done early for my son's graduation. And we'll apologize for the technical difficulties as well. Yeah, but we got through it.
Starting point is 01:50:03 And I just, while we were on the air i got on amazon and i ordered two new sd cards 128 gigabytes each you see how present greg is while he's doing the podcast he's online shopping all right we'll see you guys next week everyone should take it each bye Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Don't give me no Joe Rogan. I don't want no Tiger Fanny. Don't give me no two bears. I want my Sunday papers.
Starting point is 01:50:50 Sunday papers, baby. With Mike Gibbons and Greg Simmons. Sunday papers, baby. Sunday papers. Sunday papers, baby. Sunday paper. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

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