Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 10/3//2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: October 4, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg Fitzsimmons checks in from snowy Alaska while Mike Gibbons shares his strategy for finding better seats at a sold-out football game. They revisit a Thanksgiving trip to Vegas that emptied Greg’s pockets, explain an airport lounge loophole, and discuss The Big Lebowski, The Deer Hunter, and Greg’s questionable Netflix viewing strategy. Plus, relationship ethics, reports about Diddy’s prison accommodations, a Florida family argument involving a cereal bowl and a rifle, and a Tesla crash where the driver’s phone calls 911 for him. Listener corrections, a shaky round of history trivia, and the Sunday Funnies round out this week’s Sunday Papers. Support our sponsor:Zocdoc: Find and book the right doctor for you at https://www.zocdoc.com/papers. Send your cartoon captions to [e-mail]. Please put your name directly underneath your punchline. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons:Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadioInstagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmonsTwitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.comTour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTourMerch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch“Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82“Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons:Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadioSunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPodChildish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons:Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitzFitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitzSunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitzStand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitzPopular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a recurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show “Idiot Savants.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Extra Sunday Papers coming here from the non-contingous 50 states. Contiguous? Contingious? Contiguous? Contiguous? Am I right? What a strong start. It's a strong start.

I'm in Alaska in case anybody doesn't know what contig, contig, whatever means. That's one of those words you only use it. in relation to the two states that don't belong to the U.S. Do you ever hear that word said otherwise? Do you ever hear? Contiguous. It's physically separated. Let's see what contiguous means.

I always say lower 48. That's how I distinguish. That's what I call my cock. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I do it in centimeters. sharing a common border touching or immediately next to something in space or time what a good this is this is almost a strongest start as when we were trying to figure out how the words you were saying were getting in the script oh no no no no no the words you were saying somehow we we work off of a google doc myself michael j gibbons and matthew peter That's not Jay, but go. Peters.

Yeah. And all the sudden, for some reason, Dictate was writing into the Google Doc while we were all talking on this Zoom line. While you were talking. No, no, no, no. You said, this is what it says, you were humming to yourself, and you said, and this is what is printed, Pretty Pooh-Poo, Peepo, okay, pretty poop-pooh peep.

Who's that? I think you might have dictation on. that was you i was not saying that no yes yes you were saying that you were like mumbling it to yourself oh maybe i was doing my telephone beep boop bo that's exactly what you were doing okay got it got it yeah i do do that so gay oh my god talking it's worse than that obviously i mean what can be It's silly. It's silly. So by the way, speaking of people watching the podcast, like, we got to thank you guys. Our numbers have, like, tripled in the last month.

Look at our content. I mean, look what we've covered so far. It really is, it's compelling to this site. We already have, like, three clips for Instagram. So anyway, we got to thank Gotham Production Studios, who has been producing this show. and they are doing social media, and I think they're a big part of why our numbers are growing. And it's also you guys for telling friends

and leaving comments and doing all that stuff. Most of our listens are audio listens, because we got kind of laid into the YouTube game. But, yeah, it's good. So thank you all. And Matt should thank us. He's moving today, and we arrayed this arrangement is he has to sit on the couch.

record this. He had to, he unpacked the computer first. Yes. This show is the most important thing in his life. We might be drunk as like a little side hustle, but it's all about Sunday papers and Fitzdog Radio. So I'm in Alaska. The last time I was here, I think I told you the story about being picked up by a guy to take me out for an adventure, getting pulled over by the cops, hiding drugs, getting arrested. Yeah. So that guy who pulled that on me, the outdoorsy guy, has a radio show now. And so he invited me to go on his radio show tomorrow afternoon.

And I have no idea what this guy has in store for me. The last time I was with him, I thought I was going to jail and missing my show. So we'll see what happens. But also wasn't there, you told this story a lot. I don't know how much we can say about this. Weren't there development since last time because you were telling the story? Well, I told the story on the Joe Rogan experience, and a bunch of people in Fairbanks heard the story and I guess complained to the police department here. And the guy, if you didn't hear the story, which I'm sure almost everybody did, a police officer pulled over myself and this guy as a prank.

And... So hold on. This guy who's a stranger took you out, right? Yes. And then his friend, who's a police officer, pulled me over with his car and handcuffed the guy that was driving me. And they planted drugs on me, which turns out it was just vitamin B12 in a baggie. Anyway, so I told the story on Rogan, and then a bunch of fucking idiots complained, and the cop got into trouble. So I don't even know if I should I talk about it now But I was like scared to come back I thought this guy's gonna be coming after me

You know but maybe I should have told the story on Rogan But you know it's a good story You should go after the Karen That out of this whole situation How do you know it was a woman? The Karen doesn't mean it's a woman Oh It's a Karen

I think sometimes I can be a Karen Like I absolutely will complain to customer service. I try to distinguish between the corporation that I'm mad at and the poor person who's working the phones. But I get a little heated with people. I think I'm the opposite of a Karen now, still, still holding the line where I will not ask for a manager.

But like service, I don't really care about service. once you sit there, it's that first, here's the water's on the table, let's get a drink order in. It's that thing. But when you're left sitting there forever, that's a typical, can I speak to a manager situation for a lot of people? Not me. I will get up and walk over and be like, if we could get water, like I just deal directly. I become the manager. Yes.

Your problem solver. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure the servers love that. Yeah. A little saliva in it, please, if you can. So I'm in Alaska and they've got Netflix. I think you've got some Alaska Wi-Fi.

On the TV. They've got these big screen TVs. And so I put on Netflix and I go, when I'm on the road, what I do is, you know how Netflix there's different accounts? Do you go in on your own name or are you going on your wife's name or your kids have their accounts? And then there's an extra one. that just says guest.

And that's my hotel room account. Because when you pull up your account, it shows what you were just watching. So now I watch blue is the warmest color. Have you seen that film? No, what is that? My God. It's a French film with two young ladies

that one of them helps the other one discover her homosexuality. Oh, do they play ice hockey? I'm waiting for that to come out. The female... Oh, that would be great. I think, yeah, that would be great. I don't think that... At least with figure skating,

I think that the men are homosexuals as opposed to ice hockey. Yeah. And anyway, watch this film. It's hard to believe this was put on film and is on Netflix. How did you find it? It found you?

I can't remember how I found it, but I found it a long time ago. And it's leaving the channel soon. So get in there. But I just feel bad if my wife ever clicks on guest on my Netflix account, she's going to be like, what? Your kids are going to get blamed. And by the way, you don't think this strategy is going to occur to all the way. And you guys are probably watching the same material. Right.

Gross. Yeah. Anyway, Owens in town. He's home. Maybe I'll check it out. He's home for a wedding. He's in the ocean right now. He's in the ocean back at my house and I'm in Alaska where it has been snowing for the last two days. And we're recording this on October 1st. What? Are you flying Sunday? Sunday, yeah. I'm sure they handle it well there, but it's snowing Sunday there also.

Yeah. Yeah, that's incredible. Like everywhere else. I mean, it is the warmest. It's been all year. I know we're talking about the weather, which is boring. But it's hardly ever in the 80s in Santa Monica. You know, like maybe, I don't know, seven days a year or something. It's going to be 90. Yeah, that's unheard of.

In the next week. I can't remember in 25 years in L.A., I don't think it's gotten to 90 more than two or three times. And we're talking about on the west side by the ocean in Santa Monica. It's quite, all you have to do is drive 13 miles. and you can get 100 degrees. Yeah, Owen's got a wedding on Saturday. He's back home because he's going to a wedding on Saturday.

It's his first wedding, like a friend of his. Wow. Yeah, and it's going to be 105 degrees in the valley where his wedding is planned. So, yeah, he did the bachelor party. He went to Vegas with a bunch of the guys. No strip clubs, nothing like that. They just played golf and he lost a lot of money gambling. And I think it was like, I think it was like you,

I think you hit that at a young age. You lose big. And then something triggers that either goes, that felt horrible. I'm never going to do that again. Or you go, I can get it back. And then you spend the rest of your life being that guy. Or it occurs to you as you get older. You're like, oh, my God.

Well, at least in a strip club, I'm getting something back for my money. Because that's why like a steakhouse seems like such a great deal when you're in Vegas. because like let's say it's a $60 steak. You're like, well, I just paid someone $60 to turn over a card with colors on it, which they did not do when they just took my 60. And that was it. Now a guy, someone raised a cow, fed the cow, slaughtered the cow. It was delivered to hear a guy who went to school to learn how to prepare it the best way,

cooked it for me. I'm getting all that for $60. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. Or you go to the strip club. You paid 60 bucks for a deaf leopard song, a Van Halen song, and perfume on your clothes that you can't get out when you get home. And a great story about being raised by a single mom. Yeah. I mean, come on. I remember my first time losing a lot of money was with you, And it was Thanksgiving of like 1990, probably 1990. And we were all having dinner. I think it was at Billy Clark's house. And all of a sudden it's like, it's like nine o'clock.

And we're all like done eating, kind of like nothing to do. And then you go, let's go to Vegas. So we're like 22 years old. And we just like pile in the car. I think it was me, you, Billy, my sister. Yes. And maybe Billy's girlfriend. Probably.

And we drove to Vegas. I don't think we even got. I think we got a hotel room that we never went to. I think we got to the casino. And on the way, on the journey. We got the cheapest room and I remember where it was. There was an Asian themed casino by, on the right side, like on the east side. And, oh, man, I'm going to literally Google Asian theme.

It had a, it was, I think we paid $20. Yeah. And it had a giant hot tub in the living room, like in, like near the bed. So we get there on the ride out, this is where your nickname the Turtle came from. As you were telling me, all right, when you bet, you go to the cheapest table there, you find a $5 table, you bet the $5. If you lose it, then you bet 10. Right. If you lose that, you bet 20.

If you lose that, you bet 40. And then eventually, you have to win at some point. And when you do, you will have won back all that money plus your original bet. And then you go back down to five again. So I go, all right, let's do it. So I go to the roulette table. I put five bucks on red, comes up black. So wait, hold on.

10 bucks on red. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I said, well, first of all, is Imperial Palace, which I remember now. So anyway, I go, hey, and how about this? another guardrail, you take black, I'll take red, and we'll do it at the same time. That's right. That's right. So it goes up, red, five, red. I put down 10. Red. Did you explain when you win, you bet your minimum bet your minimum bet again? Five. Yes. Once you win, you go back down to your minimum bet. Exactly.

So anyway, long story short, I put out, eventually it gets to be. be $80. And I've already put down a hundred at this point or 60 or whatever it is. And then... The next bet's 160. And then it came to... It hit green, which is... There's two spots on the roulette wheel that the house wins.

And I lost literally every dime I had. And so somebody gave me like five bucks because that back then you could go to a seafood buffet for $5. So I hit that. And then I went and I sat in the hot tub. up for a little while. And then we left the next morning. I think some people never even made to the hotel room.

We had like 200 something bucks in our pockets each, which at that age, we felt like we were rolling in it. And there was six roulette wheel spins, six in a row that did not come up red. So the best part is you're like, well, thank God you're betting black this all time. And I'm like, yep, I'm up $30. because every time you win you go back to your minimum back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. Oh, my God.

Yeah. It was horrible. Went to the L.C. game, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah. Tell everybody about your strategy. Johnny's strategy. Nobody's better at hacks in life than Mike Gibbons. Well, that's not the headline.

I wasn't even going to talk about that. But it's, they played Oregon, and it was the cheap. and it was terrible. And there were also lots of fights around the stadium, I would say regardless of the cheap hit. And all the fights we saw were USC versus USC fans. And oh, here's what I like to put out there. We welcome your letters.

You can chime in on the YouTube channel or, Greg, where do they write you? Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. Here's the question. What stadium in the NCAA football do you think has the most neck tattoos in the stands? I am going to say it's USC. And my guess is UNLV. I'm putting it out there. It sounds very surprising that it's USC.

I think its geography has a lot to do with it. There are a lot of USC fans who did not go to USC. I am fairly, I think, assuming that neck tattoos. Well, it's in South Central, basically, isn't it? Yeah. And I don't know. I mean, I'm sure a bunch of USC graduates have neck tattoos, but not as many as you'll see in that stadium.

And anyway, there's a lot of fights. And but my strategy, you wanted me to talk about it. Anyway, it was, Oregon has a big following. The game was, they said sold out. So I waited, waited, waited. We knew we would wait till the first quarter started. Eventually got tickets under 70 bucks each great went in. And the section was insane with the fights, but also it was way, way, way up high all.

So it was like, well, we got to move. And I thought it would be like more vacant seats and it was pretty full. This is what you can do in a stadium. You go back on your app that you got your tickets. You look for seats that are still for sale. It doesn't tell you the exact seat, but it'll tell you the row in the section. And that's what we did. Someone had their seats on there for $2,400 each.

I knew those weren't selling. I think they forgot about them. So this is halfway through the first quarter at this point. Yeah, $2,400 each. No, it was even close to the second quarter. $2,400 each. And they're not even good, by the way. They're like halfway up the stadium.

So anyway, that's a little scam. So you go and you find those seats and you just sit in them. Right. Okay. Yeah. This is the best hack. This is your second best hack. Your best hack is we were going to, you and I were in Nashville and we were flying home,

and I had a much later flight than you. I did not have any kind of VIP club access. So you instructed me, I called up American Airlines and I said I'd like to buy a one-way first-class flight to London sure

and they said what time do you want to leave I go what do you have this evening she's like 8 o'clock I go I'll take it she's like well it's $6,000 I said that's okay because you're sure you don't want to look for a cheaper way

I go no no no that's fine that's fine so I get the flight they send me the ticket I print up the boarding pass. I go to the American luxury lounge. I show it and I'm in. And they got a fucking omelet station. It's a really good one.

And I hang out there. And then I sit down. I have a cup of coffee. I call American and I cancel the flight. Full refund because it's first class. Right back to the credit card. There you go, buddy. Yeah.

A couple of details I don't do on there. I don't print up my boarding pass and I don't call them. But it's still well done. What do you do? you just cancel it on your phone? Yeah, you go on the end. I didn't want to fuck around. I was not taking any chances.

Okay, grandpa. I wanted to hear a Filipino lady tell me that it was officially canceled. Yes, that's a good one. That's a good one. You get in the lounge and then he cancel it. And you're allowed to, you don't even, first class let you do whatever you want. You get a full refund to your credit card, but also a lot of them have that 24-hour window. Here's a hack that my daughter just pulled off.

you go to the bowling alley with shitty old sneakers on and you walk out with some fresh new bowling shoes which are very trendy right now to wear. I could see you wearing them. They're half maroon. They're half maroon. And you give them a little spray for athletes' foot. You're good to go.

Oh, my God. Speaking of that, man, I saw the Big Lobowski in this past week. It's just every time I kind of see something new. And each time I do something different, this time it's just focusing on John Goodman's face. Even in the scenes he's not talking, it destroys me. Even when he's not talking, it destroys me every time his pent up anger and rage is so funny. It's all about that.

I just saw David Lynch talking about working with Harry Dean Stanton. And he said it was about what he did between his lines. It was about the silence. That's what makes a great actor. And then I heard, it's probably come across your feed, listener, but I heard a great story that the Coins wanted dead flowers to play. And so they... The Rolling Stones?

Yeah, but they wanted... What's his name? I'll get in a second. The great country guy. Panchone left... I'll get in a minute. So... Oh, God, I'm spacing out.

Anyway, they call those. Still, you have to call the Rolling Stones guy to get permission for it. And the guy said no originally, but they had sent him the script. And then in, oh, no, they sent him a, I think maybe a rough cut of the film. And he watched it. And in the rough cut, the dude hates the Eagles and asks the cab driver to turn off the Eagles because he's already out of shit day. Yeah.

And then he gets kicked out. and the Rolling Stones guy who had the rights to that song hated the Eagles so much, he gave it to them for free. And I think it was going to be like 25 grand. That's what they offered. Like they were going to pay the full whatever, 75 grand, 25 grand, whatever it was. And so, yeah, so that's why it's in the movie is because it dings the Eagles. Amazing.

Well, Louis C.K. when he did his first special coming back from his little hiatus, he wanted like a Rolling Stone to play as he walked out. Yeah. Because it's kind of about like being ostracized and down and out. And he had to pay $100,000 just to play 15 seconds of it as he walked out. And he did. I know. Yeah.

No, I remember that. It's crazy. which is twice what I paid for my entire last special. Right. Yeah, I didn't kind of get that. I think I knew why he did it, but it didn't. That one didn't add up for me. You know, just I'm too close to the song and kind of what I think it means.

But by the way, it was Towns Van Zanz's version of Dead Flowers at the end. Okay. So last night, I watched Deer Hunter. I love it. Love the deer hunter. Boy, too long, and I've seen it. But Robert De Niro, especially in the first, you know, two hours of that film is, I mean, he's extraordinary. He's not talked about regarding deer hunter as much as he should.

You know, everyone points, there's a lot to point to in his career. He's unbelievable. So is Merrill Streep. But you know what I've never seen was. John Void is in that as well, right? No. You're thinking of Savage. Christopher Walkin and John Savage.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Who looked too similar, if you ask me, to be in the same movie, especially when they were young. But Michael Chimino, so his follow-up was Heaven's Gate. Did you ever see that? I must have. Is that with... Chris Christofferson was the lead, so it was a very big deal in my house.

My mom loved it. I've never seen, you know, it was notorious bomb, but it's been revisited. but I mean, I think I should give it a chance. I'm sure it's too long also. Was Ryan O'Neill in that as well? I don't. Well, here, I'm looking.

I am tearing it up so far today. But you wouldn't believe the cast. You ready? Jeff Bridges, Chris Christopherson, Christopher Walk, and Willem Defoe, John Hurt, Sam Waterston, Mickey Rourke. It says Joseph Cotton. here was here. Damn, that's crazy. I never

trust a movie. I never trust a movie that tries to load too many stars into it. They're rarely good. I would say, T-bone Burnett. I think everybody lined up because, you know, Deer Hunter won so many Oscars, you know? Well, then, you know what? You know what worked with a bunch of big stars? What was the movie with the great Motown soundtrack? The big, no, not the big.

The big chill. Yeah, that worked. Yeah. That was, let me see who was in that. Well, you know who doesn't appear in it, but I think he plays the corpse? Who? I'm going to let you guess. Big Chill had Glenn Close, William Hurt, Kevin Klein, Jeff Goldblum, Tom Berringer,

Kevin Costner. There you go. He was the corpse? Yep. Yeah. That was a good fucking way. I was one of the great soundtracks of all time. Only Costner's body, I'm reading this.

Only Costner's body and his slashed wrists are visible during the opening mortuary prep sequence. All right. Thank you, Logo from Aaron B. She sent this in a while ago. so I'm digging through old ones. Why? Because you guys haven't sent any new ones lately. So let's go.

I was supposed to do this week's. But we had this one. I like it. Next week, I will be doing the song and you will be doing the logo. Oh, boy. Okay. All right. All right.

The song this week. Jesus, what's the guy's name who did? Oh, fuck. I'll announce it next week. It is an ambitious song. Ambitious, big, Beach Boys. Here we go, corrections. Close up at it point.

All right. Okay, the T-Pal says correction. Arty Lang's father fell from a roof installing television antennas. I said he was a roofer. Oh, maybe you did say he was a roofer. I don't even remember that conversation, so it's nice to revisit it. Geez, poor guy. I know.

He was paralyzed for the rest of his life. Are you serious? huge, oh my God, it had a huge impact on Artie's life because Artie was pretty young when it happened. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, totally fucked him up. I mean, people wonder, like, why does Ardy have substance issues and all that? And it really, when he talks about his dad, man, it's raw.

Man, well, you were close with him, so I trust you on that. Next correction is by James McCullough. And I love this correction. Mike is correct. Third degree burns are more severe. than second degree burns. Second degree burns usually include blistering. Third degree burns include charing of the flesh. A first degree burn would be typically sunburn. My sister, we had a, my mother is very frugal, let's just say that. It's the nicest way to say it. And so we had this pot

when we were young that had a handle that it was a wooden handle over the metal. and it was no longer glued. And so if you held the handle, the pot would swivel back and forth. And the babysitter came over with hot tomato soup to serve it to my sister, and it spilled all over my sister's leg. And she had third-degree burns. Oh, my God. Yeah, she has, to this day, she has like a big, blotchy scar on her thigh.

It was brutal. Yeesh. Yeah. The next one is Bill Mario. Did you put this one in there? What's this one? We didn't have many corrections on the YouTube channel. Well, somebody said about Bill Murray and SNL.

I think I said that he came in in the first season. And then I think somebody, and then we read a correction that he came in on the second season. And I said, I did not know that. And this guy is saying, I just told you this last year. So there's a correction on a correction. Well, it's, you know, look, what am I supposed to remember things every year? I think once a year I get to forget everything and just start over again. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, re-wrack.

This way I can watch the Godfather for the first time. I can read prayer for Owen Meaney for the first time. I can make love to my wife because it's been a year for the first time. Here's a guy, Jesus, man, do you retain anything you read? read. That's the last line of the next correction. Yeah, well this guy said you said Sidney

is very conservative and spoke recently at Turning Point USA. All right, maybe it wasn't Turning Point USA. You know what it was? She spoke at Old Chella. No, what's the country Coachella? Stagecoach. She spoke at Stagecoach,

which apparently is a MAGA rally. It's like extremely right wing. And, you And she was kind of a spokesperson. And I think that's what, because this guy is arguing that it was because her parents were photographed with MAGA hats. And so this guy kind of snooped around and did not find much evidence of this. But I was basing it on an article from the New York or from two weeks ago where they talked

about how buxom blondes are making a comeback with the Republicans. Not a comeback. They're, well, they're coming on their backs. They are representing the new sexuality that the GOP is putting out there and it's working. They're getting a lot of following because, you know, look at the Fox News anchors are all blonde and busty. And I think we talked about this last week. Yeah. All right.

You know, we're going to talk about next week. Me at the Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois, October 15th through the 17th. Then I'm going to Toronto. I'm playing four different gigs in Toronto. One's in St. Catharines, one's in Hamilton, one's in Waterloo, and one's in downtown Toronto. If you go to Fitzdog.com, you can find out which Toronto date is nearest you. It's between October 23rd and the 27th. And then Phoenix and then Skankfest.

Get on board. Look at that. Also get on board with... Here's something that I... You know, we have sponsors that I'm passionate about and some that I just go, some we turn down, but then some of them I get very excited about. And Zoc Doc, I just use this week because I am on a cocktail of antidepressants, and I want to get off of them because it makes me foggy.

It may be the main reason why there's so many corrections every week. And so I needed to find a different psychopharmacologists because the guy that I work with now, overprescribes me. They're impossible to find. So they're impossible to find. So Zoc Doc, it's so easy because you go on and I put in the type, I put in my state, my city, I put in what I'm looking to deal with. I put in my insurance company and they figure out who you can actually go see. So this episode is sponsored by Zoc Doc. They make this whole process. easier. Let's you search and compare high quality in-network doctors. Read reviews from real

patients. Look through detailed doctor profiles as you choose the right one. Then see actual appointment openings. Click to instantly book a visit. I booked a visit. I'm going in on Tuesday at 315. Oh boy. You can handle the booking online without the phone tag and finally get that appointment on your calendar. For health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zocdoc. Head to Zocdoch.com slash papers and get started and check that appointment off your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-C dot com slash papers. Now listen, make sure you put in our codes so they know we sent you.

I don't, there's no savings with putting in the code, but it lets us get revenue dollars coming in. So please support the show. Front page, Mike. All right, here we go. The front page. All right, so this was sent to us, but there is chatter that this may not be real. Did you hear that? I did not hear that, but by the time Sunday rolls around, people probably know.

Rap artist YBG Bulletproof reportedly shot and killed outside Chicago gas station. His name is YBG Bulletproof. So here. went on Reddit and there is, uh, what, okay, so, wait, did you change the order of these? No, I added, uh, Dickie had a couple. Oh, okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.

You can read those. So Dickie, Dickie Egan, our, our good friend, who's one of the, one of the best writers that we know, uh, he wrote, uh, Y, B, G, bulletproof, more like N-O-T bulletproof. YB-B-G bulletproof, I think a better name for him might have been Lil, I, ironic. People are on the lookout for a rival rapper named Challenge Accepted. Hold my beer. Yeah.

So what are the Reddit ones? So Reddit had a bunch, right? And you just go there or any comment section, right? So a lot of them are like, this is kind of like when we read the caption contest, right? Everyone's taking a shot at a joke on this. So bullet absorbent, bullet retardant. and then guess he wasn't bulletproof after all. After that last one, guess he wasn't bulletproof at all,

a user actually took the time to say, in a sea of lazy jokes, you managed to stand out the laziest. It's almost impressive. I think a lot of comments are, it takes a certain kind of confidence to be the first poster, you know, to be the guy that goes, all right, I'm going to put the joke out there, just off the story.

And then you've got the parasites. You've got the fucking vultures that come in, and they peck apart the guy that had the balls to actually write something. Yeah. And sometimes they're funnier. This reminds me. I did a pilot at Comedy Central with Neil Brennan, and the concept of the show was going to be a sketch show.

The concept was these, like we were going to call it my notebook or, you know, you know, something like that. But they were all going to be pretty raw and true to ideas that he and I came up with for the show. And then what we landed on, keep in mind it didn't air or anything, but what we landed on for the name of the pilot, the working title, was, is this funny? Because that's what we do.

Like we would just open our notebooks and be like, is this funny? And then we'd like read the idea or read the idea and like, is that funny? So someone at CIA, one of our agents, goes, well, it's a critic-proof title, like saying, is this funny? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. It's kind of like bulletproof as your rapper name. Well, you know, Ray Romano was fought to the death over calling the show.

Everybody loves Raymond for that reason. But then it actually worked to their favor because all the reviewers were like, yep, we do. Well, yeah, he talked about that Les Moonvez gave him his word. He goes, if it's a hit, listen, it's already. It's already out there. It's already been printed. They've already run with press.

But if it's a hit, we'll change. We can look into changing the name, okay, for season two. So Ray was like, because I was actually with Ray a lot during that season. And he's like, okay, great. So then the show does well its first year. And Ray goes back to Les Moves. Les MoMAs goes, you never change the name of a show that's doing well. Yeah.

hilarious. Tennessee governor suspends executions after inmates survives lethal injection. I saw this story all week and it was, it stood out because they were killing a woman, which is not a everyday occurrence. Oh my God. The buildup to this was crazy. They were protesters. I was watching the BBC and it was the lead story all week that this was going to happen.

So this announcement came hours after Krista Pike, a death row inmate survived two doses, of the legal drug pentobarbital in the state's second botched execution this year. Ms. Pike 50 was hospitalized late Wednesday night when she remained unconscious after the injections. Yes, definitely take care of her. Like, get her the best help. That's what you want to do to this person on death row. It was not immediately clear on Thursday what her condition was or what had gone wrong. Over the past decade, fears about the pain caused by lethal injections and the possibility

of problems have led several death row inmates in Tennessee, get this, to choose to die by electrocution instead. Tennessee is a rare state where the electric chair has been used in recent years. In a news conference Wednesday night, journalists who witnessed the failed execution, described snoring and complaints from Pike about the pain, as well as her kicking her feet so often that she knocked off the sheets laid on her. At times, the curtain was closed, and journalists could only. hear sounds. Oh my God. Well, Chris, Krista Gail Pike, or as she's known in the hip-hop world,

CGP needleproof. All right. That's a dicky. I don't, listen, one thing I know there's no shortage of in Tennessee is fentanyl. What is the problem? Right. Right. Kids, you can't stop people from dying with efforts to stop people from dying. They are dying so easily, key word, easily on fentanyl. Also, when you go out on Broadway in Nashville, there's a chance that you will be roofied and then found dead in the river.

There's also that chance. So you're saying instead of lethal injection, send her out in cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes and just see what happens that night on the bar scene. Let her try her luck with some, with some open containers or whatever you call them in the bar. Just drinks. Let her try her like that way.

But listen, the backup is just buy some drugs out on the street. Meanwhile, she's in a penitentiary that is specifically loaded with murderers. All you have to do, spread a rumor that she's a snitch and then give it a few days. She'll be faced down. You know, it's like feeding a lion. Throw the murderer as a victim once in a while. Keep them off the other innocent. Well, I don't know if she.

What did she do? Oh, yeah. Well, that's what I was going to say. She's like groggy, like, oh, like that hurts. Oh, like you're not finding the vein. I just went through that, by the way. I had to get blood drawn for my annual. They couldn't find a vein on one arm.

They had to switch arms. But this arm, man, they were the worst is when the needles in and they're moving it around to try to get it in the vein. so she's like complaining that it doesn't feel good. Yeah. What about the complaints of the woman you murdered in the woods? There you go, Mike. How about that?

I think that's a really strong state. Well done. Yeah. What about her? Did she kick the sheets off? Did she have a sheet to keep her nice and warm? Oh, my God. A lot of times when people have a sheet on in Tennessee,

it's because they're actually going to kill somebody else. Epstein's death in prison went much better, much better. I think they should just put her in Epstein cell. That's right. Leave her in Epstein cell for the night. Just see what happens. Just cut the cameras. Who knows what happened.

All right, let's get down to the ethical question. Okay, let's say you are married. Okay. And, you know, maybe your boner isn't everything it used to be. Okay. And is it ethical for you to take a Viagra and not inform your spouse that you have done so and then make a move on her? Or does it have to be disclosed? I don't think it has to be disclosed.

I mean, it's an aid. It doesn't replace sexual attraction. You have to be stimulated, and then the vascular thing works, right? So I don't think it's like, how about this? I'm going to return a question with a question. Nobody, well, here, I was just going to make the question into a phrase. How about the question? What if you need to fantasize about someone else while you're having sex?

What about disclosing that? I honestly feel really guilty when I do that, when I fantasize about somebody else. And I don't always. You're talking about when you masturbate? Do you think of someone other than yourself? Well, that would be the really Christian thing to do is if you're going to masturbate, you can only think about your wife. Yeah.

That would be discipline right there. I used to, uh, I, anyway, my mother listens to this podcast, so I don't want to get too into this. Okay, so back to your question. I mean, I think it's something that, uh, healthy couples would share. I mean, I should have led with that. I mean, I think it is, but is it ethically wrong? I, that's what I focused in on.

Well, is it ethically wrong for a woman to use a lubricant? A lot of, uh, older women regularly put in, a suppository lubricant. I've never heard of that, but okay. After menopause, yes. You're talking about in their butt? Should you disclose that? In the S, yeah.

All right, Mrs. Fitzsimmons, good to have you long for the ride. Hold on, wait. So anyway, final answer is I don't think you have to tell. Also, how's she going to know? You already, you already roofed her. She's not going to know whether you performed or not.

Everybody gets a pill. Me, you, everybody. And you definitely don't tell her about that pill. Is it ethically wrong? You're a woman. You got a boyfriend. He buys you a sex toy. You guys enjoy using it together.

You break up. You get a new boyfriend. Is it okay to introduce that same sex toy into your life? I mean, I assume that's happened to me a bunch of times because it's just theirs. How the hell do you know how they got it? But on some sort of spiritual level, does it feel like that object was attached to a different relationship? Yeah, I think that's up to them.

Like what are they going to be remembering? What sort of comes flooding back maybe? That's up to them. Hopefully flooding back, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think they're expensive, some of them. Hundreds of dollars. So, yeah.

Interesting. Sounds like somebody who's been to a store recently. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's where I sort of go to think about ethical questions. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's like the library for me.

There used to be this comedy show at a, God, what was the name of the place? It was on sunset. The whole store is the adult section. There was a comedy show in the middle of, of a sex toy shop and it went on for 15 years maybe and it was like a little curtained off area in the middle of the store and uh the shows were unbelievable and they would give you a free sex toy for performing wow yeah what city was that in Hollywood right on sunset they there was one in a comic book store there was uh famous the nerdist yeah yeah yeah and laundromats

There's been a couple in laundromats, yeah. Let's get to entertainment. Here it comes. All right. Sean Diddy Combs has been reportedly placed in solitary confinement as an investigation is underway into his pampered lifestyle at the FCI Fort Dix in New Jersey. He was sent to a special housing unit after four anonymous men who spent time in the same unit as Combs, claimed he has people who cook and clean for him.

He allegedly has someone who gives him Chinese-style massages as well. What does that mean? Chinese style? Hmm. This is not some normal shit you see in jail. This is some rich shit, one of the men said. It looks crazy, but again, it's ditty. The individuals reported Combs pays the other men to clean his toilet and shower area. He also finds way to get fellow inmates to cook him special meals like curry chicken, pizza, and empanadas.

He's working every gang. He's got the Italian gang working for him, the Mexican gang. After a while, I got tired of cooking, said one of the men. And he started going to the Jamaicans. What is it like a food court? Is it a prisoner or is it a food court? Jamaican's jerk chicken because he's a jerk, Greg. And he likes to get jacians.

jerked. So he had he had a cell phone. He was scrolling Instagram and he would scan nude and explicitly photos that an old girlfriend sends to him. He had access to antidepressants and premium liquor. Why would he need antidepressants? This is the happiest life. Every guy would die for this life. Why is he having more fun inside prison than I'm having on the outside? He's locked in a place where the men can't leave. He's in heaven. That's right. Yeah.

And if he wants baby oil, he just has visitors bring it in their assholes and he gets it out and then he puts it in another asshole. He also, I think the Chinese cooking is using a lot of oil. And then the massage is an interesting detail. Like if I'm him, maybe I wouldn't do that. It looks a little, I'm in there for that. And it's like a counterfeiter. in prison, just printing money to relax. It's like, no, you know, stay away from that, maybe.

What's amazing is he also managed to get somebody to shoot YGB bulletproof while he was inside. You know, the more, you know, you read this, I think there's, everything's coated. It sounds like it's coated. Like he pays other men to clean his toilet and shower area. That means, I think. anus and his dick. That's what he's

paying men to clean while he's in prison. Also special meals like curry chicken, pizza. I bet those are all code words. Yeah. Well, you know, pizza's a big code word. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. All right. Let's make

America, Florida. Here it comes. We got a good one. Florida, man. Well, it's not a good one. I just love that this is, this is Florida. Florida man shoots up home after brother threw bowl at him. That's all it takes. That's all it takes.

Deputies said they responded shortly after receiving a report about the shooting. They arrived. They learned two brothers have been arguing about an accusation of theft. But as the argument escalated, the victim threw a ceramic bowl toward the suspect. The suspect then went. So this is the thing. I'm assuming it gets heated. The guy hucks a bowl.

probably violently, glass pole, could have done a lot of damage if it caught him in the face, and then the guy immediately just instinctively responds and pulls out his gun and fires back. No, the suspect then went to his residence, retrieved a rifle, came back, pointed it toward the victim before discharging multiple rounds in the victim's direction. A SWAT team confirmed that the suspect, Brian Keith Stevens, his three names, was taken into custody without incident. Of course not. He probably doesn't even remember shooting at his brother.

They show up. He's like, what? Probably poured another bowl. Phil the bowl was thrown at him. The driver would later tell deputies he did not want to waste any. Oh, no, sorry, that's a different, that's the next story. Go ahead. That's the next story?

The driver, yeah, this is the next story, actually. Okay. Well, look, you know, usually when there's a arrest in Florida involving a bowl, somebody's got weed in it and they're smoking it or crack in it and they're smoking it. But just a cereal bowl, things are getting, things are heating up in Florida. I mean, no, yeah. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. That's what's happening down there.

All right, let's make America, Florida again. Okay. Florida man leaves after test. crash. His phone calls 911 anyway. So this is classic, according to a Lee County Sheriff's Office arrest report. The crash happened inside this community where deputies arrived to find the driver, 23-year-old Christopher Brewer, gone and his mother and her boyfriend already gathering pieces of the wreck into a pile. His mother told the deputies Brewer had been taken to a hospital but did not know which one and said that AAA was coming for the Tesla.

Brewer's mother called back and said he had never gone to the hospital. He was at her residence icing his neck. She brought him back to the scene and the deputy said Brewer showed no apparent injuries but smelled strongly of alcohol, had glassy eyes, struggled to maintain his balance and could not clearly explain what happened before or after the crash. He said he hit the curb, then the light pole, and then several incoherent statements about the sequence. Here's the, here's that this guy's sly as a fox. Brewer told deputies he had consumed a glass of wine before driving, and after leaving the crash,

drank whiskey at home to help with the pain from the wreck. The arrest report does not list a DUI charge. He also confirmed that he never went to a hospital when the deputies asked. why he had called, why nobody called 911. He said he was not going to call and did not want to waste anybody's time. I love it. Well, this, this is genius because here's what you do from now on. If you are drinking and driving and you get pulled over by the cops before they can get out of their car and come to you, turn the car off, walk over to the sidewalk, pull out a bottle of whiskey and start to.

chugging it. Yeah. Well, this is the one I told you, Lizzie Groomin. I believe that's what she was advised to do after she backed over people in the Hamptons. She then went back and her father's friends were there. And then she was advised to start drinking. Yeah. It's like I just sent this Instagram clip to my daughter and my mother.

And it was a clip of a woman lying next to a ladder. and they said if you want to take a nap at work, just open up a ladder and lay at the bottom of it and say you fell off if they catch you. I should say allegedly, I guess, with Lizzie Gruberman, her dad's a very powerful lawyer or was. Yeah, this is, now here's the thing, though, like, I wonder if his car is going to rat him out.

These are the new rats when you're committing rights. Well, they videotape everything, right? I know. That's part of it. So people are like, hey, why don't you get your, dad, a Tesla in Florida because, you know, the driving, the automatic driving thing, the driverless driving. I'm like, yeah, but don't Tesla's record everything? Because I don't, the accident's going to be his fault.

I don't want it recorded. Right, right, right. Yeah, you got to be careful. Those Tesla's record everything. I found out, I found that out the hard way recently. Oh, no. Well, 911 also, I mean, it's. his phone, his Apple called 911.

His car is going to have all the evidence of him stumbling away from this thing. Yeah. He probably has a breathalyzer in it at this point. All right. Let's kick it down to this day in history. Here it comes. I saw a couple of fun ones. Let's see what we got here.

We got the Thrilla in Manila. Oh. On this day, Muhammad. Ali and Joe Frazier met for the third and final time in the boxing ring. The Thrilla in Manila, the name that referenced the location of the match, came directly from one of Ali's deeply provocative boastful rhymes. It's regarded by many as the greatest prize fight of all time. After 14 brutal rounds, Ali defeated Frazier after the latter's corner called a halt to the bout.

Frazier could take a punchman. it was incredible. There's a great movie about this, by the way, called When We Were Kings. Nope, that's Zaire. I think that's Foreman. Oh, you're right. You're right. Thank you for correcting me before the listeners did.

I might get corrected in Zaire. But 9-2 was about to. So give or take four, well, now you know it's the 1900s, damn it. Give or take four years. When was the thriller in Manila? Well, let's see. Ali didn't go to Vietnam, and so he couldn't fight during the mid-60s. Good start.

This was obviously after that, so it was at least the late, no, what he was talking about? Late 60s. So this would have been the early 70s. I'm going to say 1973. You did it, pal. 1975. There we go. Very well done.

Okay. The Walt Disney World Resort near Orlando. It features attractions, blah. You don't have to explain Disney to you. We were there. We used their currency at bars that we thought were outside of the resort. And it worked. They took our goofy $5 bills, I think they were.

On the, yeah, outside, well outside of the park at a dive bar. They took goofy dollar bills. It places magical. It's a magical world. Okay, give or take five years. I think that's a fair number. When did Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando open? Oh, okay.

Well, let's see. Disney was around. He was around, I guess the movies started in the 30s or so. And the resorts probably started in the 50s. So I'm going to say late 50s. I'm going to say 1958. Very good. 1971. How many years did you give me? I did not give you 20-something years.

12, 12, 13. I gave you five years and I thought it was fair. Okay. By an act of the U.S. Congress, Yosemite National Park was created, eventually becoming one of the most heavily visited National Park. in the country. What year did Congress create Yosemite National Park? How many years? Oh, yeah. Hmm. I'm going to give you 35 years. Well, I know Teddy Roosevelt established a lot of the national parks, but I feel like this preceded him. I feel like Yellowstone, and I've been there many times.

I'm sure I went to a museum there. I feel like it was the 1800s. A museum where? At Yosemite. I don't think you went. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to say 1885. Dude, 1890.

Nice. Pretty good. Yeah. I gave you 35 years. You only need five. No, I remember seeing pictures and it was all like fucking. and a horse-drawn carry, like everything was, you know. Okay, here's one that I would need, give or take a thousand years.

Alexander the Great of Macedonia defeated Darius III of Persia at the Battle of Gagamala. But this is why. It was like the thriller in Manila for medieval times. It was the third time they met. Yeah. And then Darius threw in the time. tell. But this spelled the end of the Persian Empire. This was a big one. I'm not just pulling out little esoteric ones. So Alexander the Great defeated and ended the Persians and the Persian Empire.

What year, give or take, I don't know, 500 years? All right. Well, I got to think the Roman Empire was the next big one after the Persians. And that started. it around, you know, AD, the beginning of AD. So I'm going to say this was BC. I'm going to say this was 200 BC. Dude, you were 331 BC. Nice. So good, man.

I have to get one of those and I see it. And obviously the algorithm knows I'm self-conscious about this. There's some like visual history where they show timelines and the overlap of like Roman empire and you know it would show the persian um empire i got to get a better handle on what happened thousands of years ago yeah i have a ruler that my kids had when they were in kids when they when they were in school and it unfolds it's really long and it's got the history of the world on the different sticks of the long ruler okay here's one i would have gotten wrong mahadma gandhi Gandhi was born on this day in what year, give or take 20 years?

Well, the revolution in India was in, when would that have been? The late 50s? I was going to say strong start. Late 50s. So I would say sometime around 1900, I'll say. Right. That's, I probably, I might have even said later. He was born in 1869.

Really? I don't know how that's possible. So he was like 75 years old when the Indian, when the revolution happened. Well, that's based on your revolution stats. Well, let's look it up. Okay, we're going to go out on this one, give or take two years. When did we all say goodbye to Tom Petty? Oh, that was recent.

And I remember, I remember, well, I'm not going to say anything. Go ahead. The Indian Revolution was 1947. So I was off by a decade there, so that puts them further back. Tom Petty died, I would say, seven or eight years ago. So that would have been 2019. Good. I'm giving it to you 2017.

Okay. All right, give or take four years. How old was he? Well, traveling Wilburys, he was in his 40s and that album came out in 2000 The first one came out in 2011 So if he died there

I would say he was 64 When he died Okay, I have a lot of questions You got it though He died at 66 There we go. But traveling Woolberries came out when we were in college.

Okay. All right. All right. You said it with such confidence that it had come out 20 years before you were saying it came out. And I don't even know how you landed on this number. By your math, I think Tom Petty should have died when he was like 98. I'm so upside down right now. So how old was he when he was in the traveling wheelbaries?

He must have been in his 30s then. I think so. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Yeah. All right. So, yeah, they were all so much younger than you think. Okay, what are we going down now?

Let's hit obituaries. We got nothing. Literally, nobody died last week. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're overpottories.

But that doesn't mean we don't need to cheer up with a little bit of Sunday funnies. Here we go. There it is. Every week we do the comedy caption contest and we give you one frame of a cartoon. You write some punchlines. You send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. We ask you to please put your name directly underneath your punchline. And then we select some of the best.

We put them in. We read them. And then one winner is selected to be the chief. champion of the week. Last week we gave you a caption, a comic of, it is a soldier. He's dressed in his dress uniform with medals on his chest. He's pointing to the medals. He's got a mustache and glasses.

He's talking to a woman in a cocktail dress. They each have a glass of wine in their hands. What is the soldier saying to the hot chick? Sean said, this is the Medal of Honor. This is the Silver Star. And this one means you're going to a hotel with me tonight. All righty, Sean. Lane from Denver said, and I got this one in the latest box of Trump's Cracker Jacks.

Okay. I think Hegseth might have been better on that one. Mike said I was pressured into buying this one after a grapefruit Simmons show in Alaska. I like that a lot. Tim Dilley said this medal was given to me for having the courage to grow a Hitler. mustache. I like that and it works politically now. I think you would be awarded with one of those. Tad H said I was awarded this medal because I didn't ask, nor did I tell. Yeah. Brian G. said, no, beautiful, don't pay attention to the wedding ring. The important

medal is up here. How about right under here? That's where my swastika tattoo is. Um, hey. Yeah, all right, that's it. I think those are the strong ones. What do you like? These were pretty good, I have to say. Yeah. I like the pin from Mike.

Okay. Mike, I did get a couple. I have to do in transparency. There were a couple other pin jokes. This one I felt was the strongest. I like Tims also. So congratulations. Mike Oxstiff.

Oxstiff. Jesus. Yeah. Coxed. Reading a great book, by the way. I'm reading a great book, by the way. It's called Circe. It's based on the character,

The Witch from the Odyssey. The one who's up on the hill that turns them into hogs. It's her life, basically. Yeah. It's an amazing book. Everybody should read it. He also, he was there much longer than the movie indicated also. I still haven't seen, I kind of seen the whole movie, but not really.

I snuck in on my way out of another movie. Oh. Next week's comic is... I saw the receipts available. Okay, go ahead. It is a glass, like a glass of, it's a glass of water with two goldfish in it, sitting on the counter in the kitchen, and one fish, one goldfish is talking to the other goldfish. The other goldfish does not look happy.

Yeah, I mean, it's also a tank. They have, you know, the sandy bottom, a little fake, you know, the plants in it, some shells. So someone is making this pathetically small, looks like a drinking glass, as you said, an aquarium. And at the end of the day, it is a glass of water. Okay. Hager the Horrible. Well, here's a woman who's got her son and he's cowering at her hip. She's getting the male and Lucky is getting the male next to her.

door at his house and she goes, hello, Lucky Eddie, and he goes, hello, neighbor, and hello, little guy. And then the mother says to the scared son, you can talk to him, son. There's a difference between a stranger and a strange-looking person. And I just thought, Jesus Christ, first of all, Lucky's the next door neighbor. So you realize how bad things must have been in medieval times when you're that scared. That means there's a reason why this kid. is scared of lucky. Oh, you're getting right to it. Yeah.

Yeah. I think. He knows him. She should have said, you can talk to him son. There's a difference between a strange grapist and a strange looking grapest. Right, right. I mean, talk about not hearing the victim. Yeah.

What about that story? We didn't talk about it, but there's that, what college was it? that they Cornell. Cornell. Man, that story has got a lot of layers to it. I will say that so many people are commenting on it

as if they have all the facts and that is not my attempt to defend anybody. All I know is for a fact a lot of people don't know what they're talking about on both sides. Yeah.

That's why we didn't bring it up as a story, Oh, I didn't know that. I also thought it was the, I thought it was too funny of a story, so it wouldn't fit in our podcast. Right. The Lockhorns are very funny. Leroy is looking at the bills, and he says to Loretta, when hell freezes over, we're going to be sitting pretty. Okay. That's pretty funny. Yeah. And now he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor says to him, simply put,

Mr. Lockhorn, you're at an age that hits back. Oh, I'm sorry, I fucked it up. You've hit an age that hits back. Oh, yeah, that is better. That's much better. Although it worked for me anyway. Okay. You want some onions?

Yeah, do an onion. We got one here. It's just a, you don't need to individual. It's just a guy there. He goes, man who lost everything in crypto just wishes several thousand more people had warned him. and then here's Trump speaking at a lectern at a press conference. Trump warns Iran to accept his ultimatum or face wrath of next ultimatum. Jeez, it is comical what's going on over there.

There is no credibility left. There is no fear left. It's just his, his, His bluffs have been called and called and called. And they know that there's nothing he can do. He can't put boots on the ground. All he can do is go back to the deal that Obama set up fucking 12 years ago. Don't get political now.

All right. Here we go. Dagwood, Bumstead in his donut pajamas, is laying in bed reading a book. Like, that guy reads books. Are you kidding me? You don't think Dagwood Bumstead scrolls? Not even Instagram. TikTok.

So he's reading a book. He goes, I can't remember if I close the refrigerator door or not. And then she goes, you closed it, honey. Meanwhile, all right. She's reading a book, too. She's also got a lavender negligee with frill on the shoulder. Look at the arms. At her age, look at the definition of that bicep and the forearm.

And then he goes, what if I did it? I should go check. And she goes, is that your stomach talking, honey? And the next thing, you know, he's down at the refrigerator. He's opening the door to the refrigerator instead of her legs. He should be reaching for a ham sandwich that's got a little pubic hair on top of it. That's the sandwich he should be reaching for. He doesn't want anything warm and moist.

Right. Why? Why, Dagwood? I mean, my God, Dagwood. All right. right. I think that does it. My God, I am going to take a nap. I flew for nine hours to get here yesterday. What was your stat? It's four hours of flight from Seattle? Yes. That's crazy. Yeah, it's a two or two and a half hour of flight to Seattle from L.A., hour and a half layover, and then a four-hour flight to Fairbanks.

And I got to say, man, taking off out of Seattle is one of the most breathtaking things you can ever see out of a plane. It's incredible. All the lakes and the rivers and you're on the ocean and islands are popping up on peninsulas. It's unbelievable. I wonder like flying up there seems, especially in winter and flights are, you know, round the clock up there. Like when you go, like if any plane over my head right now, I'm sitting in Southern California, it's like zero degrees wherever they fly up there, maybe even colder, I don't know. I wonder, it's probably the same temperature over, I don't know, I wonder if someone knows this, like over Alaska. Is it the same when you get up there? Like, in other words, you would think, can you imagine how cold that is?

But when you're five miles up in the air, I wonder if it's the same temperature. Well, it's just, it's amazing. Just to have access to. to seeing how your brain works. Right? It's fascinating. It's just the deepness that you go to. I'm not just how to get in an airport lounges for free or how to get seats, better seats at a game for free.

It's not just that. No, you should write coffee table books or something. Maybe I will. You know what I'm going to do, though? I'm going to try to make a logo for next week before I start work on that coffee table book. There we go. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Thank you to Matt and everybody over at Gotham Production Studios. And don't forget, support our sponsor. Go on over to Zocdoch.com, put in code Sunday papers, or just papers, actually, and let them know we sent you. We'll catch up with you guys next week. God bless. Take it,ish. Take it,ish.