Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 5/31/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 31, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons are back with another Sunday Papers. Mike finally finishes Stoner and has some thoughts, Greg gets emotional over a Jeff Buckley documentary, and the guys dive into mountain lion encounters, Tom Jones family lore, Trump's proposed dollar bill, alligators with permanent erections, a dog that somehow fired a shotgun, the upcoming UFC event at the White House, and much more. Plus: Boston stories, Disney Bucks, celebrity gossip, ethical dilemmas, Terry Fox, Stonewall, George Foreman memories, and a fresh batch of Onion headlines and listener-submitted funnies. Sponsor Links Quo Try Quo for free plus 20% off your first six months: https://quo.com/papers This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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In his paper. Time goes up in a vapor. Life goes fast. Time goes slow. Read all. Sunday. Sunday Papers kid. Coming from fucking.

Let's go. Boston, Massachusetts. I've already been in a bad mood for five hours today. You told me to save that for the podcast. I wasn't going to bore people with it. I didn't want you to save the bad mood. I wanted you to save talking about the bad mood. Lose the bad mood.

All right. My father used to fucking say that to me. Whenever I was being defiant in any way, he would say, lose the attitude drop the fucking attitude and I would just look at him like I don't know how to do that like why don't you tell me

how to do that like there was never any parenting there was just yelling at you for being a way they didn't want you to be I would have a lot more attitude after someone told me to drop the attitude exactly yes

so enough about my childhood let's talk about your adulthood it's very similar I think Yeah, woke up at 5 a.m. Couldn't get wheels started spinning, couldn't get back to sleep. So that, and I was, yesterday was the, you know, the concert at Penmar thing. I stayed. I overindulged and really needed the sleep.

All right. So what I do, I can't sleep. I decide to finish the book I'm listening to, a stoner, right? So this book came so highly recommended. And I don't know where I got. the impression that it's uh there was a surprise ending right or a surprising ending and maybe jeslinick talked about it you know he has a book club and and he and he posts it so here's the so what what happens is it did because there was no surprise ending so it was shocking actually like i had been set up

and i'm wondering is that a thing is that is there an agreement out there that that ever Everyone recommends Stoner and says there's a surprise. Because the book is famous, really famous for being the flattest thing ever about the most unremarkable life. And it's almost like it's so boring, it's not boring, you know what I mean? It's so boring. It's extraordinary. Do you know what I mean? And it's read like, and then he woke up that day.

and felt that way for the next few years, getting through days. His wife was getting along better with him lately, but in the next few years, like, it's, it's like that. Occasionally, he'll talk about an argument that's having, going on, and by the way, it's an argument between two professors, and he'll do dialogue, and it's shocking. You're like, oh, my God, I feel like in this moment, rather than a narrator. And anyway, Stoner. So it's like a Billy Ely song.

Stoner's a piece of work, man. I wish I had that time back. I know, and I know a lot of people love it. But it, yeah, it's. That's funny because I actually took a jessalick recommendation, and I read, like with my eyes, I read a book called My Year of Rest and Relaxation. And it's about this woman, and she's beautiful.

and she was born rich and she decides to just take a year and sit in her apartment. She saved enough money from her job at an art gallery and she inherited money from her mother who died. So she spends a year

drinking cough syrup and taking barbiturates in her apartment and being a recluse and that's the book. That's the book. Like nothing happened. So now we know,

that that's Jessel Nix genre. I might do East of Eden next, which is a big one, but one of the grades. I think I might have read it in high school. I saw the play. You saw it Jimmy Dean. Well, James Dean played it on the screen. It's playing in that old-timey theater near here. Oh, I almost sent

you, oh, because the old-timey theater, which is shocking. I don't think you've been to it either. It's in El-Sugando. still has the organ. We talked about it. They have coming up, Marks Brothers, Duck Soup. Yeah. Yeah. And not only an archivist talking about it also. Oh, we got, that's my favorite Marks Brothers really. I'd go see that in that theater. It's coming up. Yeah. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it. Um, I just saw a documentary call about Jeff Buckley, who I've always, I mean, anybody that has been exposed to Jeff Buckley has most likely had a very, um, I mean, I mean, anybody that has been exposed to Jeff Buckley has most likely had a very profound reaction to it. It's just he is a, his voice is like

nothing you've ever heard before. It's angelic. It goes through he's got, I'm not going to, I don't want to get fits corrected, but he, there's many octaves that he's capable of singing in. And, and also his songwriting is incredible. And anyway, his life is just as incredible. as this music. Like this documentary is insane. It opens. So I started it and realized I was too tired and I didn't want to like kind of fall asleep darn it. So I've got I have that to look forward to. I'm watching. We're going to get back to Buckley in a second. I then am watching though this climbing documentary on HBO. I keep forgetting the name of the goddamn thing. But it's it's all Yosemite, the madman before the free solo guy. Anyway, it's great. The Dark Wizard. It's called The Dark Wizard. Yeah, I can't watch those.

I can't watch those. I get too anxious. Because I get pretty anxious and it's anxiety-inducing. Anyway, back to Buckley. It starts with a Led Zeppelin. He's singing Led Zeppelin in the very first frames, which is great. Oh, no, sorry, Bob Dylan. He's singing Bob Dylan.

And does it go into how much? into his death and what they know about it do they go into in the documentary? Well, I'm not going to, no spoiler, so I'm not going to touch that, but I will say this about Led Zeppelin. He said life is depression, hope, sadness, joy,

and Led Zeppelin. He goes, those are the five things in life. And he got to meet Jimmy Page and Robert Plant at one point. And yeah, and it was a pretty big, deal for anyway you don't want you don't want to you don't want to spoil his last moments because I know them without having seen the documentary yeah but if people have it I don't want to ruin it for them but so I'm watching I get a better ending than this is my flight it's a better ending than I mean more happens go ahead yes yes so I'm in Boston right now I flew out here yesterday and I'm on the flight

and I and I against my better judgment I start watching the flight on the in-flight movie screen. Instead of watching something on my phone. And the problem is, I'm watching this Jeff Buckley documentary, and it is very emotional. And he deals with mental illness and sadness and all this stuff. And it gets to this beautiful point where he's singing this song, and I have tears coming down my face.

And then the fucking pilot comes on. And he's like, ladies gentlemen if you look outside the left side of your plane you can see the Las Vegas strip and Jeff Buckley was about he was about the opposite

of the Las Vegas strip and he kept talking about his experience going to Las Vegas in his 20th I'm not kidding you and I'm like and the movie fucking pauses

and it just kept happening he kept pointing out shit the entire flight and it kept pausing Ladies and gentlemen, also in 39C, there's a 60-year-old man crying rather uncontrollably. We're sorry about this. And it's the marshal on board? Can we get the marshal involved, please?

You might have seen him in the restroom for about 19 minutes as soon as we took off. There was some banging noises in there. If you're ovulating, please don't go and sit on that toilet seat. Use the other bathroom. Is that how it works? Can you actually get pregnant? Yeah, you get AIDS from toilet seats. I think dementia, everything, from toilet seats, from what I hear.

COVID. And there's no toilet paper, hand lotion left in that particular laptop. She may slip. Please hold on and raise yourself while in there. You won't be able to look in the mirror. They're a little steamed up right now. I'm going to keep talking because the longer I talk, the less hell cry, I'm interrupting his music documentary,

which has brought him to tears. Oh, God. So I'm in Boston. I go to my show last night. Little light in attendance. Thank you guys for supporting me. Boston? Boston, which is like last year I sold out all the shows.

I didn't sell them out, but I had like big crowds for all my shows last year. They're not watching their Celtics. That's the thing. the first thing I said. I go, none of your loser teams made the playoffs. Where the fuck is everybody?

Well, they made the playoffs. Anyway, so. But who did make it was our friend Mary Fitzgerald's sister and her husband, who I've gotten to know very well over the last 30 years. And Kathleen is amazing. So cool. And they bring about seven people. And originally I get this call for Mary.

Hey, I got a bunch of family members want to come to your show. Can you fit them in? And I'm like, oh, Jesus, a weekend night. I don't know if I can do this. Meanwhile, it's like, yeah, can you bring 30 other people? Is that possible? Is Mary in Boston? She's away.

She's down to Cape Cod with her friends who are not lesbians. We need to know that, right? Well, they all went to Wellesley College. And so that's the rap. It's like, oh, every woman there is a lesbian. But anyway, I'm not going to. The point is her sister, Kathleen, is like, I go, I'm talking to the crowd, and I say to her, I go, yes, so I went to, I went to college here.

I said, I went to Boston University, and then Mary's sister claps. And I know she went to nursing school there, but just to play around, I go, oh, did you go to to BU? You know, thinking she'll just play along with it. She goes, you know me, Greg, it's Kathleen. I'm like, what the fuck? I go, I know Kathleen. I was just.

And then like two jokes later, I go, so my father was a doctor. Just because I was playing off somebody else that I said, I said, my father's dog. Kathleen goes, your father wasn't a doctor. I'm like, get out. Oh my God. Get out. Fixed back checks live? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, so we go out to this Irish pub after the show with all of her. And these are like the toughest guys you've ever met, these Boston guys that she's with and they're talking about I said who is the toughest out of all the Fitzgerald sisters because there's three sisters Diane Mary and Kathleen and she immediately goes

oh Mary Mary without a doubt and so she was talking about how they were in and first of all you got to remember Mary's dad was a bookie amazing and everybody always goes he works for Whitey Bulger but I said that on stage

she goes no he worked for the Winter Hill Gang, which was a rival to Whitey Bulges. So if you think Whitey Bulges guys are tough, how about the guys that are the rivals of Whitey Bulger? And so, they told his story about how South, you know, South he was so racist back then, but their dad was like unbelievably not.

And he took this black kid. There was this black kid that got beat up, bad by Whitey's gang and they mistook him for a different black guy that owed the money. So this guy is in the hospital and Mary's dad brings another guy from the gang and they go to Whitey's bar and he goes, just stand out front pretend like you're holding a gun like in the godfather, the baker that they bring out. And he goes into the bar and he walks up to Whitey and he goes, you fucked up the wrong guy. The black guys in the hospital. hospital he's not going to be able to pay his rent or take care of his family for a while you need

to give him three thousand dollars and white he goes why would i do that and the dad goes because i have a gun aimed at your dick right now and white he smiled at him and he goes all right you got me and he gave him the three grand and i think there was a big respect because also he had served he was in the military i think i think there was right something like white he goes the only reason you're alive is because or something like that. Like it was, he could have taken him out at any point. Right.

So Mary gets, and then, you know, her brothers were both literally, literally, like the best boxers in Massachusetts. Like her brother, Timmy, uh,

was the Golden Globs champ of New England. And everybody in South Boston was afraid of these guys. So she goes, Mary was the toughest. And they were out of, Joshua Tree a couple years ago. The whole family's there.

And Kathleen gets bumped by this woman in line at a bar. And so it happens a couple times. So Kathleen bumps her back. And the woman starts lipping off to Kathleen. And she goes and Mary and

Diane like in unison, slip off their earrings, kick off their shoes and start walking at the woman and the woman just like put her hands out like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa oh oh i'm good boston plague walking right at you are you kidding me holy shit i mean this town i mean i can remember remember when we would be down at fanio hall a closing time the amount of fights that would break out on the street oh no it's so i mean dicky hates when we call boston so angry but it really is i mean even the the old

people were really angry there. And I know New York has some angry people, too. But Boston's was just the stiff upper lip, even like the, you know, the waspy people, rich waspby people are angry up there. And, um, yeah. Yeah. You know, I think it was Kathleen. It was a Mary's birthday a few years ago. And she told me this story. So Tom Jones is playing in Boston. Have you ever heard this story? Well, sadly, I don't remember it. But I remember the high, the highlights basically were somehow he picked her out of the audience or whatever it was or had a roadie say do you want to come backstage or maybe she had access to backstage anyway yeah he was Kathleen and Tom Jones was so smitten with her and then he goes would you go out to dinner it was something like that and anyway

he arrives in a limousine picks her up and they go to like dinner all this and so I'm here hearing this story, and I'm leaving out details. We should have Mary, maybe calling next week and fill it in, or Kathleen, but, and, and has this whole thing. And I'm listening to the story. I'm like, so when did you go back to his hotel? And she's like, I didn't. And she's, I'm like, hold on. I go, Tom Jones, takes, thinks you're hot. It's a long time ago. She's like really young, I think. And, and, and you go on a date and all this. And then he, like, just drops you off. She's like, yeah. And I'm like, you know what? That's tough. When you can be that tough that you repressed Tom Jones fucking the shit out of you and you don't let that memory come back up, that's tough.

Like that's real tough. And a lot of alcohol also helps. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't have made it out of the limo. They totally hooked up. And she's absolutely denying it. And I don't think she's lying. I think she's going to use it.

I don't know. Well, she has been with her. husband since she was 16. Maybe they had a little breakup at a certain point when this date happened, but he picked her up when she was 16 years. By the way, I might have it wrong. It might be the other sister. Maybe it was Diane. I don't know. Yeah. But they're all cute as hell. And who knows? Tom Jones. Yeah. Hold on. All right. Let me look at Tom Jones in my. Okay, go ahead. In my search it if it ever comes up. Because I then wrote the logo this Okay, go ahead.

The logo this week is from Lane from Denver. It's a car race, which I literally know nothing. I tried to watch that Formula F1 show. It's still a bunch of cars driving in a circle. Not a circle. I guess they drive through cities. I don't know.

It just, so anyway, there must be a big race going on because Lane sent us this logo of a car race, thank you. And the song this week from Callie Khan, who is our resident in live, she's like a furry for blondeie.

She dresses as blonde. He came to one of my shows dressed as Blondie. And she wrote this song, thank you. It's, what a voice. Haunting, I say. A bunch of corrections. This one, Bob Patterson, who is,

the fits factor of the decade. He is diligent, and he is very detail-oriented, and he has a list of seven corrections from last week. I'm guessing they're all me. He says the hanta virus is not the hanta virus, it is hant a virus. Comorotery is not comradary,

It's comma rotary Fentanol is not fentanyl, it's fentanyl. Phentanil. Mnemonic is not pneumonic. Mnemonic is not pneumonic. It's n-monic. We need this every week. Mike was thinking of the word pneumatic.

Greg, it is a silent M at the beginning. Dipshit. He adds in little. Like, I think that Bob is a nice guy until he adds in little dipshits and fuck faces. Number five is you said you don't need no insurance. What the hell, Greg? What the hell? You might as well move to Florida or South Carolina.

Well, that's not nice to them. Number six, the product is not Wagovi. It's we govi. I've never heard it like that. And finally, number seven, Mike's Mike was way. too close. He popped his peas the entire podcast so annoying. Well, I don't know what to say

because then I got another email from somebody who says that Mike was not loud enough. Good Lord. I have awful mic technique. Maybe we need one of those. I mean, I've adjusted it. It's below. I'm talking over it. But these are very directional mics.

I like the one you're using. Well, say pepper. Well, I think you need maybe one of those wind screens over the end. I lost the way to bring my mic on the road. I'll look for it. Or you could go on Amazon. I think they're 30 cents now.

This mic, you know, this mic is annoyingly. It's almost like it's an Apple mic. It doesn't fit the mic stand. I have to put the mic stand. There you go on blue tape. And it doesn't fit anything. It's a large mic. Believe me, I know the feeling.

All right, so I found the text to Mary. This is what I wrote. I go, what a night. Your family is the best. All of us at the party are so lucky that no Fitzgeralds have faced their problems. Your older sister is adorable. She slept with Tom Jones, but sticks to her cute, false memory of it being just a kiss. And your brothers run around like a bar on 86th Street at the end of the parade route.

I'm amazed they don't all live in a firehouse. And which maniac fucking, fucking, fucking hates flights over 45 fucking minutes. fucking had to watch a special on goddamn gamma rays made me feel even more fucking insignificant. Whatever brothers, whatever brothers shoot my ear off about having to watch a documentary on gamma rays that made him feel worse.

One of them, Yeah. In one of them, we were up at Mary's 60th last summer in Maine. She rented a house in Maine. All her brothers came up. All her maniac friends came up. And we started playing running charades. So her brother had to act out a charade for the group.

And I think it was like Wuthering Heights was the answer. And he has no fucking idea what Wuthering Heights is. And so he's trying to act it out phonetically. And he's the angriest human being you've ever met your life. And we're not getting it. Nobody's getting it. And it's going on, it goes from being funny to being uncomfortable to the point where he finally just starts taking his, the palm of his hand and smashing it into his forehead over and over again. And so we start going skull, forehead, bang.

And then he finally just goes, no, think, sink, sink! It's unbelievable. All right. So, again, I search just the words. Tom Jones in my text. So Mary Fitzgerald pops up. I'm 90% sure my mother made out with Tom Jones in the late 70s.

Michael Fitzsimmons Michael Fitzgiven goes, I'm 70% sure my mom made out with him in the 90s. But anyway, when I brought up the story to Mary years later, she goes, she told, hold on a minute,

Sorry I just had it That her neighbor Her mom Where is it? Here we go You're right After my mom met him Tom Jones went on

To bang our hot Asian Flight attendant neighbor Claire Who was my sister Kathleen's running pal Kathleen was a goody Goody though I know hard to believe We drank the same water

Anyway So wait Does that mean Mary's mom? might have been the one that went out on the date with Tom Jones? No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I oddly have a good memory with some things. And I think it was, I think it was her sister. But that's how Tom maybe got exposed to the family.

I don't know if they had VIP seats because the mom. Jesus. How many women, how many women do you think Tom Jones has slept with in his life? Zero in Boston, according to like. Fitzgeralds. Yeah. I mean, Ann Margaret. like all that that caliber of he was generally known as the hottest dude in the world for a stretch and to see go watch him sing uh what's the one where he's dance well he danced like a maniac he wore these skin tight suits and i think he was a soccer player so he had this insanely fit body and and it was like the 60s and i'm

But with Tom Jones, there's a real factual. There's a cover he does and he goes crazy. Yes. Yeah. What was it? He also, yeah, he did great covers. What is this one? Yeah, it's unbelievable.

All right. Oh, there's a Tom Jones who's a famous run. Anyway, we're both going down to rabbit hole during a podcast. All right. Let's get to another correction. We have a guy named Nathan who says antiviral is a thing. You would use it after getting sick like an antibiotic. Vaccine would be beforehand.

Tamiflu is an antiviral for influenza. Fuck that guy for getting high and mighty about being wrong. Because we were talking about antivirus. And I said, is there an antivirus? And somebody really laid into me. Ray Japson said the last episode you were talking about New Jersey, you said the governor is Mike Shirill. It's Mikey Shirill, pronounced Mikey. Her full name is Rebecca Michelle Shirill.

I think it's okay, though, because I had to fight my spell checker to spell her name correctly. Is there a chance Microsoft spell check AI was trained on episodes of the Sunday papers? Well. Interesting. It's interesting. Tour dates coming up. Let's tick up the attendance, folks. Last night was bad.

Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House on June 5th. Agunquit, Maine. Jonathan's on June 6th. Huntington Beach, California, Mamba, July 12th. Then I will be in St. Pete's for a festival, August 14 and 15. Cincinnati and Columbus coming up over. the summer go to fitzdog.com get tickets come out say hi buy a pin all right here he is look at it look at this maniac i so song is it he's going crazy how about this the dance is so notorious

and famous that everyone has uh remixed it and put like outcast and other bands to his dancing it's all over youtube just look up tom jones dancing what a what he must have been all over the fitzgerald family all over them Wait, what was the, what was the song originally? Literally, that's how many covers have been made by people. I couldn't find the original there. But he also, if you want to look up, really? He plays.

I don't know if you've ever seen this. He plays with Crosby Stills, Nash, and Young and kills it, like on a variety show thing, and he's their lead singer. And I think it's like long time coming or what it, long time gone, whatever that song is. And that's worth looking up as well. Okay. Okay.

Well, I'm just reading. I'm trying to find. I'm looking at his Wikipedia. Probably, Rabid does that too now. You can't say the word okay around Rabi. Like you're golfing with him. And you're like, he's like, why don't you hit for him? I'm like, okay.

He's like, okay. He just immediately puts on gay voice and says, okay and mocks you. It says that he was born. His father was a coal miner, and he actually had, he was sickly as a kid. He had tuberculosis when he was 12, and he was in bed for two years recovering. But it doesn't say anything about sports, but I could swear, maybe somebody can check on this, but I could swear he was an athlete. It was either soccer or something.

I don't know the sports. So even when you look up facts and all that, you just don't, you don't, you just override them. Today's episode. Wait, hold on. Before we move on, you ready? Today's episode. No, to play it. It was just a yell.

It was just a yell. It's a long time gone. Oh, man, he kills it. Like they're, and by the way, CSNWil, like, CWSBies, they're looking at each other, like the pipes on this motherfucker. Yeah. I know. I know. I saw him come out with, I don't know if it was, it was, it was some.

Somebody who was very accomplished and refined. And I remember he came out with them. And I remember thinking, oh, they must be looking down on him as like this kind of freak. And it was nothing but respect. I can't remember who it was. Anyway, today's episode is brought to you by Quo. I got to get some water. I'll be right back.

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Try Quo for free plus 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash papers. That's quo.com slash papers. QUO. Dot com slash papers. Am I popping on the P's? Which brings us. To the front page. What do you got?

All right. Okay. The Treasury Department is preparing to print. Say preparing to print. Let's see how your P's are. Preparing to print. I'm talking by the mic, not into it. And my voice cracked.

$250 bills. Not $250 separate bills, $250 bills with President Trump's face. Hey, can you break a 250? It's just waiting for Congress's green light. Treasury Secretary Scott Besant said Thursday. Besant said that as secretary, he has two mandates for currency. At present, no living person can be on U.S. currency.

Beset added there is proposed legislation on Capitol Hill to change the requirement so that Trump can be on the $250 bill. bill, besent compared adding Trump's face to the currency to the upcoming festivals for the country's 250th anniversary and said the issue bifurcated from the growing affordability crisis as Americans struggle to buy gas and groceries. Yeah, you know, you can use four of these $250 bills to buy a Trump watch that will never be delivered. or you can buy a Trump digital coin and you will get $248 in change. That's because it's only worth $2 now, down from $700. So for all those Trump supporters that jumped in early

and spent $700 on coins, you are broke. You can buy four Trump Bibles for the $250 bill. which is, by the way, made in China. Or you can buy one pair of his sneakers and look like a homosexual break dancer from Maryland. Maryland? I don't know where that came from. I was Don Rickling it.

When we were driving to Florida and we stopped at Disney and we got Goofy money? Goofy. Goofy's face in the park, there were bills. And I think what, we got change or something? And yeah, if you want to, yeah, if you want to go to the carnival stuff or whatever, you get money and it has to be exchanged. Disney bucks. And then we went to a, we were staying in a motel or something nearby Disney, not in Disney.

And as a. Yeah, we're like 19 years old. We're at the bar. And as a joke, we go, I wonder if they'll take this Disney money. And the bartender overhears us. He's like, we accept that. No, the best part is we were broke. It was me, you and Billy, and we were shit-faced and broke, and I found some of the money in my pocket wotted up from that day.

And that's what this is. It's like, it's like goofy on a bill that you kind of can't believe is real, and it's not really going to be useful anywhere. Except, yeah, probably in the Trump gift shop. That's probably the only place. And by the way, you can also, for 50 of these bills, you can get a signed Trump. guitar. This is how the leader of the free world spends his time. You can buy. Did you know there's a Trump electric guitar and he signs it? This is how he spends his time. Signing merchandise. And then you say to yourself, good, good. I would much rather he spends time selling sneakers and guitars

and whatever else than putting new tariffs down or bombing countries. Let's keep him as distracted as possible. Can you sign these drumsticks instead of those pardons on your desk? How about I really want trump drumsticks or the the the the the the bass drum cover like a big signature on there. Yeah. But listen, he's uh, you can't put a living person on, uh, on currency. It's a rule. And, uh, I'm thinking that problem is easily solved. Right. Just one unhinged listener can solve this problem. Oh, stop it. I'm just speaking very loosely.

I haven't said anything, but I mean, anyway, it's a problem. If the person is living, they can't be on the bill. Now, why if a living person can't be on the bill, how did Barbara Bush get on the $1 bill? She was still alive. And I guess I should clarify that

the list, unhinged listener can change policy, of course. That's what I meant. They can change policy and get a living person on the bill. See? Yeah. That way we're not going to be taken off the algorithm or whatever it's called. Let's talk about alligators. If alligators weren't intimidating enough, they also.

Oh, my God. Okay. They also have permanent boners. According to a study male alligator, penises are made of tough, fibrous tissue, and shoot out for procreation before being retracted at the same. same speed. After dissecting an enormous 13-foot Louisiana gator, they found a nearly 2.75 inch long penis inside its cloaca, an alligator's waist and reproductive orifice. So, permanently erect penis, 2.75 inches, and a cloak. This sounds like me in high school.

They realized its penis was filled to the brim with collagen, a fibrous, protein that acts as scaffolding in your body. That's when they discovered that an alligator penis doesn't inflate like a human's. It simply stays ready. By putting on the tendons near the cloaca, she caused its penis to spring out. And as soon as those muscles relax, the penis gets whipped back into its original position. This sounds like alligators are like running around with a switchblade. Yes.

Yeah. They're like, it's like a Puerto Rican. It's a Puerto Rican boner. That's almost 1970s, New York joke. Is it the Knicks that are bringing that joke back to your mind? The Knicks in the playoffs. When you're a jet, you're a jet to the end from your first cigarette. I mean, Jesus Christ, to have it ready at all times already erect.

At this point, mine needs blue chew, three cups of coffee, two popsicle sticks, and a rubber band. It does. change now when I used to see an alligator whose eyes were the only thing above the surface of the water it looked very sinister to me like it's like it's about to pounce it's waiting waiting now that bout to pounce has a new meaning for me it kind of looks like it's creepy now its eyes are above the surface of the water like I would be if I had my you know my swim drawers around my ankles in a pool It's a creepy thing now. It's ready.

It's there with a hard on. I think it's like basically being a ninth grader. Like I can remember popping boners and having no control. Like literally, if it rubbed against the inside of my jeans walking down the hall in high school and I saw Jill Garfunkel, I would pop an erection. And I remember sitting down against the lockers sometimes and waiting for it to pass. before showing up late to class. Oh, my God. You'd have it up and like under your belt, under your waistband,

straight up and your shirt would have to be loose. Yeah. I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about you. I saw you do that all the time. Yeah. Well, I needed my, yeah, my whole shirt had to be hanging over there. You didn't, your shirt didn't come into play, but the, you know, the top part of your pants.

Yeah. Speaking of permanent hard on. that are creepy. Here's your story you put in here. Sarah Ferguson, secret love affair with disgraced rapper Sean Diddy Combs, continues to trouble her, especially since she's been warned that a potential sex tape between them

could soon be leaked. Oh, so this guy's got a book about it, and he said the former Duchess of York had friends with benefits with Diddy for several years. They've tried, traveled overseas to hook up. It began in 2004, lasted for years.

In 2006, he launched his own perfume, unforgivable. What an unfortunate name for Diddy, who needs nothing but forgiveness right now, which he claimed was inspired by Sarah and how she liked

a man to smell. Yeah, she liked him to smell like cigar smoke and a baby that's just been oiled up. That was that was her aroma. What is this royal family and ditty? It's kind of crazy. He's taking them all done.

Why? Was she involved with anybody else? No, but Ann isn't, oh no, Andrews Epstein. And I guess I guess that's unrelated. Oh, right, right. No, never mind. You're right, he's not. Hey, did you ever hear the rumor of, and I thought it was a tape?

Maybe that's what they're referring to. But there was a rumor. that she was in what was described as an orgy in New York, and maybe it was Tiger Woods? If any listeners heard this, it's probably on Reddit somewhere. But I remember hearing rumors about her being caught in a room where many people were having sex. Well, it looks like the Crowns next season will feature the very first black cast member in the series history. The crowd's going to get spicy, man.

Oh, yeah. It's going to be suddenly this Kentucky fried chicken at the Royal Palace. I'm Googling Sarah Ferguson. For a guy. But when you say Fergie, you sure it wasn't Fergie from the black eyed peas? No, no, no. She just peed on stage, right? Yes.

All right. I'm not getting anything. For a guy, for a gay guy, he certainly fucked a lot of women. Well, then he had them have. sex with people also. That was a big thing. Oh, maybe that. But I think in the Crown, Fergie is portrayed as really, like, sexual, provocative,

or promiscuous, I mean. And if I'm thinking of the right character, she was the Wild. Is she Prince Diana's sister? I don't know. You know, believe it or not, I've never seen the Crown. And I know, shamefully, very, very much. Very little about the royal families, all of them through history. All right, Fergie. Well, this says Sarah Ferguson's latest sex scandal is deeply embarrassing.

Latest. That's what I'm getting. Really? There's a picture of, there's a picture with him. No, I don't think they were sisters. I think they were friends. And I guess Fergie put out a book that talked about personal stuff. between them and Diana broke off the friendship.

I got it. I like the people are hearing this in real time. But anyway, she's a, there she is pictured with Andrew. Yeah. What a couple. What a couple. Never get tired of the royal family fucking up. I love it.

You want to do your story about right here in California? Listen, let me tell you about California. Oh, this story, yeah. This was quite local. Mountain Lion, tranquilized, captured after roaming Santa Monica neighborhood. So it was on 14th Street, man. The mountain line... That's like, did you used to live on 14th Street?

This was a little further towards the hills north by Montana. But you know what caught me... I found this story this morning is I had a dream, and I think it might have been last night, about two mountain lions in my kitchen. going through food and I walked in and they didn't like look that big and I'm like what the fuck and I started yelling at them and like I grabbed pots and then they there was and I don't even know what kitchen this was it was unrecognizable to me it seemed like an apartment and old like

a 1950s one and I could see the window was broken on the far side of the kitchen and they crawled out and when the second one crawled out I realized how gigantic it was like you You know, when you see the side of like their shoulder and it's just the biggest muscle like you've ever seen and it called out. And then I was like at that moment I realized, oh my God, I can't believe I'm alive after I just just yelled at them confidently. And then it stuck its face back in. And I immediately was like, there's no way I could run and like close the door fast enough.

Like if it wanted to kill me. And anyway, it woke me up. And then I saw this headline this morning. Jesus, what do you think I mean, Freud would say every dream means something. What is it that makes you so afraid that, but there's times you frighten it,

but then it comes back to you. Like the lion. Oh, what was going on in that dream? Yeah, what do you think? How do you think it relates to your real life? What do you think it's a metaphor? It's probably something I didn't realize was very threatening to me maybe

or like that I was cavalier about. I've been thinking a lot about hiking lately. Right. And you brought it up like hiking alone. And then I got some people who texted me like, dude, don't hike alone. Like they heard it on the podcast. And I did think and you know, they, and I'm well aware of, you know, they sell hats, literally like little wool hats with eyeballs on the back of them because you'll always

be attacked from behind by a mountain line. Really? And the thing to do is to face them. It's almost true with every animal. And so these are for sale. You can buy them online. Like they sell them so maybe it would fool them or give you enough time or something. But I was like, yeah, no, easily.

I was up way up above 10,000 feet behind Bishop up in the Bishop Lakes region. And there are mountain lines there for sure. And I'm alone, which is kind of the number one thing you shouldn't do regarding mountain lines. So I think I was very cavalier about that and now I realized and maybe it's mirroring that. But sometimes it's you see something. I'm also watching this mountain climbing a documentary. And I kind of went to bed last night having watched that. And that's in Yosemite.

And it probably triggered something like that. Well, I got to get one of those hats because when I'm in the kitchen, my wife does a thing called credit carding. me. Do you know what a credit card is? She swipes it. Takes her thumb, starts at my, from behind me, starts at my taint strip and goes right up the crack really fast and then she laughs. And I need that hat while I'm doing the dishes. So it's fun for her. The hat should be wide-eyed. It should be like really shocked and surprised wide eyes. All right. So listen to this. The mound line was eventually tranquilized by a biologist. It was first spotted around 8 a.m. prowling around the city, far from its native environment in the hills, it was later

seen hiding in the bushes of a home near 14th Street in Montana. And it ended up sleeping in someone's backyard. Video from the scene shows that at one point, the mountain line ran into an alley where officials were waiting with what appeared to be tranquilizer guns. Police blocked the alley with caution tape and multiple streets in the area were closed while the operation was ongoing. Residents were told to keep their pets indoors. They were were able to strike the animal with at least one of the darts and waited for the animal to fall asleep. And shortly before seven, they were seen carrying the mountain line into the back of a pickup truck successfully after tranquilizing the animal. And coincidentally, this is exactly Spencer Pratt's

plan for the homeless in L.A. That's his platform. That is what he is going to do with the homeless. tranquilize them and put them on a flat bed. And who knows, probably put a monitor on them so they can't get back in the city and take them to the hills. Yeah. Take them to Venice Beach. That's what Santa Monica does. They shove all the homeless down to Venice Beach. Well, this is L.A.

Maybe he'll put them in Santa Monica because, you know, I can't vote. You can. I can't vote for the mayor race because Santa Monica is its own city. Oh, because you're not the city of L.A. Right, right. Well, this does not bode well for the furry fest next week at the Santa Monica Civic Center. Yeah. It's going to be exciting.

I might go because of it. Oh, my God. Yes. The cops think there's a panda bear going down the Third Street promenade. They got to take them out. All right. You got the ethical question this week? Ethical question this week.

Okay. You've got a friend who has had a little. life-altering tragedy in their life. And they are beyond repair. They're so depressed and they decide to drink themselves to death. Do you allow them or do you force them into some kind of a treatment program? Or do you accept that they're just euthanizing themselves? I think I've joined a lot of my friends and we seem to be drinking ourselves to death.

It's a slow. We're not ambitious about it. We're on a very slow schedule. I'm noticing an uptick in you guys all drinking and taking drugs. I might blame myself for that because when I'm off from work, which I don't know the next time. I mean, I kind of have a gig now, but it's remote. When I'm off for work, I am looking for fun. And it turns out everyone is up for fun.

but yeah I think I'm going to start drinking less or my new thing which is fun is I'm going to start making weak drinks that's the key I think like a tequila soda with very little tequila because it's not really about I'm always like why didn't I stay at a drink two level is the is the sweet spot two drinks is the sweet spot for me and then it's like why did I add eight more so yeah yeah. Yeah. I, no, I'd have to get in, I couldn't just be passive about that. If it was a real, a real, like, leaving Las Vegas or wherever the hell the name of that movie was, drinking yourself to death on purpose or basically on purpose, I, I'd, I'd try, you know, you can't make, they have to do it, as you know, so, but I would try. No, no, no, the question is, would you make them? Would you forcibly drag them away and put them in and guard them while they're there? Or would you just say, like for me? Where?

Wait, where is this scenario? They're at like an intake place, you know, rehab. And you literally, you know the day that you don't even know when they're getting out. You have to stay nearby because they might break out. Because they're going to drink themselves to death? Yes. I mean, that takes a while. I'm asking this.

I'm asking this as a personal question. I mean, if they're suicidal, but no one describes drinking themselves to death is suicidal. I believe that if I started drinking again, I would be doing it because I wanted to drink myself to death. Such an inefficient way to do it. I know, but I feel like, I would want to blow all my money on the way out.

I'd want to have a lot of fun. I would want to do it. Like, if Aaron died, I think there's a decent chance I would drink. Oh, my God. Thank God your kids don't listen to this. Oh, they do. No. I'm sorry.

And they need to. Well, that'll make them take care of their mother a little bit better. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. So I kind of don't understand the question, but I would get involved. I don't know if I could force someone to stay in a thing. I mean, can I drink with them the first night out and see how it goes? Is there a game on?

Yeah. Well, I guess you kind of do feel like you're killing it. The morning after, it's toxic. I mean, alcohol is a toxin, and you're pouring it into your body day after day. And it's a horrible way to die. Kidney failure and, you know, gout. It negatively affects every cell in the human body. Well, every cell it interacts with.

Bring in the corrections. Larry, let's go to entertainment. We're doing entertainment now. Here we go. President Trump's America 250 celebrations on the National Mall will feature military demonstrations, a 110-foot ferris wheel, and a slew of performers who are questionable at best. Wait, 110.

Is he going to come out with 110 foot? dollar bill now also he should do it all yes all right go ahead with the entertainment here's the lineup so far and I and I will qualify this after I read the names flowrida

milly-vinilly martina McBride and vanilla ice will headline also young MCC CNC music factory Morris Day and the time and Brett

Michael's will also swear. Here's the thing. As bad as that lineup is, this week, almost all of them canceled. I heard about that. I think Morris Day was like, what? We didn't know about this. Oh, my God. And I thought like, well, first of all, didn't Millie die? So now this just beenilly. It's very complicated. But what? One of them ODED. So I had a, I saw. an article mentioning Millie Van Millie. And then I was trying to remember which one died. And of course they have real names. They're not Vanilli and Millie.

And I'm like, oh, this. And then the article said, well, they had a spokesperson. And I'm like, they've always had a spokesperson. They had a sing person. They've always been communicated for. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

And I thought that since one of them died, Maybe the other one can team up with vanilla ice and it can be Millie Vanilla ice. Millie V-Flu-Rida ice. Like, let's combine the whole thing. And then, yeah, so it's just amazing when you think about the lineups. What is it about the Republicans getting talent for their shows? I mean, Kid Rock, Kid Rock hasn't been relevant in 20 years. And he's always the main headline on their shows.

Well, maybe now that Morris Day's guy, I know, a little squeeze in there. Yeah, it is. It's usually the worst. And like that is worth looking into. That is worth looking into why the right generally, and I stand by this, generally has very few respected artists. I mean, even if it's painters, whatever you wanted to look at.

Comedians. I mean, there's a few conservative, like, you know, neocon-style comedians that are funny. There's a couple. But for the most part, it's skews left, the good comedians. And, you know, even the punching up versus punching down, it does not fare well if you're on the right. And a lot of those right comedians do seem to punch down. Speaking of punching down, let's go to Florida. Florida.

Okay, I can't remember what story it is. Oh, great. A Florida man is behind bars after deputies say he was found with his pants down outside a Palm Coast Taco Bell. All right, well, of course, I'm like, how did this even make the news? I like a Florida guy outside a Taco Bell at night. Of course, his pants are going to be down. He also had a live fish in his backpack. So, my immediate thought was, what is my stepbrother Jeff doing in Florida?

Just before 1 a.m. Wednesday employees at State Road 100 Taco Bell reported a man behaving suspiciously near a side door of the restaurant. You would think people would call when someone, there's someone here not acting suspiciously at 1 a.m. in Florida outside of Taco Bell. Like, that's the thing that would stand out. Oh, yeah. No, it's. Yeah, it's suspicious to be at a Taco Bell at 1 a.m. It just, just frisk everybody. In Florida, the saying should be, if you see nothing, say something. When deputies with the Flagler County Sheriff's Office arrived, 28-year-old Brandon I

like his name, though, was still outside the business with his pants dropped, or as the authority said, with his chimichanga out. This is how the authorities described it. He quickly began covering himself when law enforcement approached. After his arrest, Deputy State, they discovered a live beta fish in a plastic container inside his backpack. So I thought he tried to cover himself like with a mackerel. You know, that's what I was thinking. A live one.

Yes. And then somebody would say, holy mackerel. This is like, I mean, first of all, Taco Bell, your pants are coming down after the meal one way or the other. Maybe somebody was in the bathroom. He had to go outside, but the pants, you undo your belt as you're eating that chimichunga. It's coming out fast. All right, here we go. We're going on to make America Nebraska again. Nebraska. And this came to us from Brian over the email you sent me, but I had also found this story. It sounds familiar. I mean, it is saying it happened now, but we've covered a story like this before.

Shortly afternoon on Saturday, offers with the Scots Bluff Police Department reported to shortstop. And after receiving a report that they were there after they received report that an individual had been shot by a BB gun. While officers were on route, updated information indicated that the incident involved a shotgun. Upon arrival, a little tweak. Little tweak to the story. Upon arrival, they located a truck with an attached camper, a passenger side door panel of the vehicle. sustained damage consistent with a shotgun blast. Through the preliminary investigation, they determined that the owner of the truck had pulled into the convenience store to purchase merchandise.

While the passenger of the truck was standing near the front passenger door, a dog in the back seat moved from one side of the vehicle to the other. During that movement, the dog triggered a shotgun that had a live shell in the chamber causing the firearm to discharge. At the time of the discharge, another individual was stopped at the traffic light with her arm resting out the window and a pellet from the shotgun blast struck her. Her injury was not believed to be life-threatening and a family member transported her to the hospital. So dogs, they're fighting back. You can't eat the cats and the dogs without the dogs shooting back. And they're going big. They're going big.

They used to piss on the carpet. Now they're fucking shooting shotguns out the side. of the I mean what would the woman got oh she just got one pallet okay so she didn't get she wasn't killed

but the dog sent the message maybe the lady had maybe the lady that had her dog in the back without the windows down and this this dog was sending a message driving her on a truck and it's loaded and ready you just have to jostle the gun you slam on your brakes

the gun flies across the car and shoots It's, oh, my goodness. I wonder what he'll be charged with. I guess not handling a firearm properly. I don't know. Yeah, there's a charge for that. Maybe, I don't know, it's Nebraska.

Maybe it's a free for all there. You're talking about the dog 10 to 15 years. That's a life sentence. I mean. Yeah. That's a life sentence. Yeah. That's 70 to, what, 105 years.

All right. Yeah. We're going to do sports. All right. Right. Joe Rogan expresses concerns with UFC White House event. The White House thing is odd. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of fighting outside at all.

It's June and it's D.C. And we looked it up. The last time, like last year, same day was 100 degrees. That's hot as F. Yeah, the lights. How about dehydration? It's not just the heat that Joe Rogan is concerned about. I'm like, oh, good.

Because do you see the picture? Anyway, it's all over online. Yeah. I mean, they're setting up this cage in front of the White House. So it's not just the heat he's concerned about. Oh, good. And then he goes, it's the bugs too. I thought it was going to be desecrating this sacred American institution.

It's the bugs. Wasn't he the host of fear factor? I just don't think that you should compete in a world championship fight in a non-controlled environment. I think it should be inside. in air-conditioned arena. Is Joe telling this? Is he looking back and wishing that Ali, there was no rumble in the jungle?

I mean, you know how many boxing matches have been outdoors? It should be a controlled environment. You wouldn't ask them to play a world championship basketball game outside in the sun. I think he very carefully avoided football and baseball and all sports except basketball. Tennis? That would be crazy. You play in an effing air-conditioned arena. That's how it should be.

Build an effin roof. Build a roof. You've got all the money in the world. Do they? I don't know. I think it's our money. Apparently they do. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know, I think when you're talking about two people that are getting in a ring and they're going to kick each other in the balls and choke each other out, I don't think the temperature. is really going to factor in that much. Yeah. Maybe don't let them like, you know, sit on your chest and continuously punch you in the face till you lose consciousness as opposed to getting the air conditioning turned up a little bit.

They should golf inside. I mean, there's wind and don't forget the bugs. But maybe it is a factor in that. I mean, did you see that sinner lost in the French? Oh no, really? You tape everything and watch it months later. I just spoiled it for you. I'm sorry.

I've only. And I think Alcarez is out injured. So those are the number one and two guys. I've only heard about it. So I might not have all the facts, but I think it was exhaustion or dehydration. I know it's been in the 90s. You know, next week I am going to start talking about this drought. It's everywhere.

And it is, I know we talk. talked about Florida. Mexico. Now, it is bad. And this woman I now, the algorithm has figured out I'll watch every video on. If someone is walking around a dry lake, apparently I watched the whole video because it is feeding me. So many people are filming from dry lakes and they show you the before and after and they walk to islands now. They, like all these islands and lakes, you can just walk to them now. It's crazy. Yeah, it's going to be a rough summer. All right, what are we, we're moving on to this day? I heard Ellen DeGeneres's vagina has gotten very dry.

I don't know. Is it the weather? Is it global warming? Yeah. The algorithm knows you like that, right? So it sends you everything about her vagina? That's right. That's right.

All right, let's do this day in history. Women walking around her vagina just reporting. You never used to be able to walk over there. Now you can. This day in history, here we go. Instead of pubic hair, she's got a tumbleweed. All right, here we go. So, I don't know, the website now is only showing me one day.

I have one day to choose from. It's not good. All right, here we go. You're ready? The bald eagle was removed from the U.S. list of endangered and threatened species. Give her take four years. When do you think the bald eagle was removed from that list? Well, I feel like the 70s was a big, like,

the animals decade. And so I'm going to say 77. 2007. Wow. In a boxing match for the heavyweight title, Mike Tyson was disqualified after he twice bit of Vanderholyfield's ears. I remember exactly where I was when he did this

because I think I've told the story. I'll make it very short. I couldn't afford the pay-per-view. That's almost a clue with the time. The pay-per-view was very expensive. but what they would do back in the day was they would like scramble the signal. So the signal was scrambled and occasionally you'd see a frame like, you know, that was clear. But you could hear the audio.

And I'm in West Hampton. I remember where I was. And I am listening. And they are not radio announcers. They are TV announcers. And all they kept screaming was, I can't believe what I just saw. Look at it. Play it again.

Have you ever in your life seen something like this? Look at what he does. And I'm like, what's happening? All right. I'm going to guess. When was this fight? All right. I got to go early 90s.

I'll say 93. 97. Damn it. All right. Here's an interesting one. Canadian activist Terry Fox. I'm commenting on how what, how, how, how, how, this was written. Canadian activist Terry Fox, who after losing part of one of his legs to cancer,

attempted to run across the country to raise money for cancer. And he died. He died at 22. So I remember there was like a movie about this, like the movie of the week type thing. And so did he not make it? I mean, the whole country and world was kind of tuning into this. It was a very, you know, part of Forrest Gump was kind of based on this. Like, so. Well, the real question is, did you, do you have to pay on the, uh, the fundraiser? Right. Yeah.

Sorry, Paul. I think he got an out right there. So, all right. Anyway, Terry Fox attempted to run across Canada in what year, give or take 10 years? 1970. Ah, I gave it you. In 1981. There it is.

It feels like the last. late 70s, early 80s, there was a lot of that kind of fundraiser stuff happened. Okay. Stonewall in, the riot, the famous, famous, the gays, the famous riot. It was because of confrontations, violent ones, between police and gay rights activists outside the stonewall in a gay bar in New York City. And it's a landmark event because the riots helped launch the international gay rights movement. Give her to take it. take five years. When were the Stonewall riots? Well, the only game movement I know is this one.

All right. So here's the weird thing. And I should be grateful. Your picture is frozen for me. I don't know if it's my dumb Wi-Fi. It's your dumb Wi-Fi. I got up and I mimed out being butt-fucked. Oh, good Lord. So that's the game movement. I can't see you anymore, but audio's great. I would say the gays started that movement would have been how many years you give me five 1970 a more fun date

bingo 69 69 69 there it is let's get out now okay we got an obituary you had an obituary jazz legend yeah well there was there was a jazz legend who If you know anything about jazz, Sonny Rollins,

he was a saxophonist. And he really like, he's one of those guys that played with everybody. And he died at 95, which is very nice. I have to say, shamefully,

I was like part of it, as a lot of us are, when deaths are announced, I was like, oh my God, I kind of didn't know he was still around. Yeah. So,

anyway. shout out to him and then also there was somebody else who died oh this was crazy claude lemieux a former Montreal canadians player who came out i was watching the playoffs the um canadians are in the east coast uh conference finals right now and they they they he came out with a fucking torch three days before he committed suicide came out on the ice big cheers very happy bunch of other big Canadians

were there and then he went in the garage and fucking hung himself maybe he felt is that crazy that was a culminating thing in his life you know like

and who knows I mean I don't know what Strugley was going through that that's shocking well the Canadians did lose that night and it was to the you know, it was to Carolina.

Maybe you lost her on Kalshi. Oh, dude, I've got a lot of money on the Knicks on Kalshi. I made the bet before the playoffs started. So I got like 10 to one odds on my money or something. So. Yeah. All right. You know, I think you can cash out, right?

I'm not cashing out. You think the Knicks can be beat? They haven't lost a game. They've won the last 11 straight games. No, are they getting cold? But is game seven tonight? No. Oh, game seven?

I don't know. It might be. Yeah. I think so. I think it is. Yeah, we're recording this so you know on Saturday. Let's cheer up and go to the 30. All right.

I'm going to start with a couple of onions, but here was one because it's related, kind of of my story earlier. And this shows a woman reading. And it goes, respect for friend drops after reading. after reading book they recommended. Couldn't agree more. Couldn't agree more. Also, people who recommended James to me. I don't know if all of a sudden I've gotten smarter

because I'm a reader again, but I agree with Aaron. I agree with Aaron who said that we were very underwhelmed with James, which won all these awards, and I felt it was the gimmick kind of in the hook, which I won't tell you, doesn't really, didn't really do it for him.

me and same with Aaron. All right. I misunderstood the joke. I thought that the person that read the book after it being recommended to her lost respect. So, all right. It's not. Whoa, Jesus. That's what it is.

Isn't that? After reading, respect for a friend drops after reading a book they recommend it. It's the woman with the book. It's like, that's me sitting there with stoner. Right. But do you see how the way that says? sentence has written that it could also be the recommender losing respect for the recommendee that she read it, which didn't make me laugh because I didn't get it.

Well, the pronoun is unclear. I think, you know, it's transparent. I just don't think anything trans is funny. All right, here's a better one. This one you'll understand. Here we go. Taylor Swift adds additional wedding dates in L.A., Miami, and Boston. Greg gets that one

Greg gets that one Nice and sit right up the middle That's the way I like them And it's making fun of her All right So comedy captioned contest Happens every single week That I remember

And this past week We gave you a picture of a gentleman On a chair And he's got a cat in his lap However, the cat has its ass pressed against the guy's mouth and his head is down by his legs. His friend is at the refrigerator

grabbing a couple beers and the guy is talking to the guy the guy with the cat's ass on his face is talking. You write down your little punchline, you mail it to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com, put your name directly underneath. We will pick some finalists and read them and the winner will be awarded a coozy.

Do we have coozy's left? So it's conditional. I'm going to check inventory. You know what's interesting about this? It's very smart. You would be like, how is he talking? Because his mouth is being pressed with the cat's ass. And so the illustrator, though, well, of course, the thought bubble is above him.

But you almost don't need it because he put a cigarette in the other guy's mouth, you know? That's kind of smart. Oh, okay. Jim Walsh says, dude, you're bonnet. I like it. I like that. A lot of good ones this week. Sean said my face is not the litter box.

But since you're here, okay. It's got kind of two little kicks to it. Rivers says, while you're up, can you hand me the tube of, I'm sorry, Rivers, I fucked that up. While you're up, can you hand me that tube of fur ball remover on the counter?

Here's the thing. A punchline has to, It has to roll off the tongue. Say it out loud before you write it down. Stephen Mangrum says, I want to answer your question, Jeff, but the cat has literally got my tongue. I don't think you needed literally.

The cat's got my tongue. That does it. Yep. Joel Bianco says, When you said you'd help me drown in pussy, this isn't what I had in mind. And then Jane S says, in theaters now,

litter box, the human centipede. three. And then Kurt said, no thanks. I don't drink. Disgusting habit. All right. And then finally, Ron, who sent his punchline with little musical notes, so I guess I'm supposed to sing it.

Cat snatch fever. Snatch. Yeah. I mean, I think I like, I don't know, your bong taste funny is kind of, and I like the guy's face that it goes with. Yeah, it matches. Yeah, I kind of like that. And also Cat, but he put in literally points taken away for that for Stevens.

I like Jim's. Yeah, I know. I like that one a lot too. I got to also say, I love Cat Snatch Fever. That's fun. It's good because, you know, at the end of the day, singing a punchline is always going to get a big laugh. So you're going with Dude, your Bong tastes funny. Yeah, and then we'll check inventory and see.

And you're going to go with Cat Snatch Fever. All right. Two winners. Boy, two coosies, I mean, coosies, that's, oh, that's, that's a tall order. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot. All right.

For next week, we've got kind of a classic. I'm giving you guys like a street joke premise, which is a fish sitting at a bar. It's that simple. It's a giant fish. And there's a bartender looking at him. And fish, I can't tell if he has a drink in front of him or not, but he's on a bar stool. talking to the bartender. Go.

Good luck. I neglected to pull down a blondeie and a hagger and a lockorns. I'm on the road. I'm a little bit jet lagged. My apologies. We'll get to those next week. In the meantime, we would like to thank the fine folks over at Gotham Productions. Matt Peters for doing a fantastic job producing the show.

and then also we want to remind you guys, if you work at an office and you're dealing with communications among a group of people, try quo. That's quo, QUO.com, and put in slash papers. You're going to get 20% off your first six months. Okay. Mike, anything you want to promote? Well, I haven't finished the Dark Wizard yet,

but so far, it's so far so good. I am reading a great book that is called The Correspondents. and it's all letters. I was an English major in college, and I remember that's a genre. It's called an epistolary novel, and it's all told through letters, and it's fucking fantastic.

Is that the device that's being used, or they're true letters? No, it's the device that being used. She both sends and receives letters, and she's kind of like old school. She's in her 70s. And she's not into email. And she takes like an hour or two every day.

And she composes letters and mails them to people. And it tracks the most interpersonal feeling she has towards her children. And it's just, it's really, really well written. All right. All right. Thank you guys for listening. We'll catch you soon. Take it age.

Take it.ish. Life's ephemeral. Thin is paper. Time goes up. In a vapor. Life goes fast. Time goes slow. So let's have fun to get on with the show. Hey, Mike, you got some paper? Let's see, Greg, I got a candy wrapper. Well, then give it a crinkle. Fall asleep under Starlight's twinkle. Awake to the madness you've been Rip Man Wheeler. Grab a paper and make a crinkle. Life goes on over bumps,

and wrinkles, grab a paper and make a crinkle. You've got debt. You've got sorrow. Make it or break it until tomorrow. Life goes fast. Time goes slow. For one day to Monday, so on with the show. Hey, Mike, we got some paper? Yeah. Let's see, Greg. I got some monopoly money. How about some real money? No, Greg, you still owe me on that bet we made last month. Oh, yeah. Well, then, uh, give that a crinkle. Like this on over bumps and wrinkles.

Grab a paper in, make a crinkle. Choose your news, real or fake. Can you digest it when the king serves cake? Crumple this paper into a ball. Make it your game when you hit a wall. Our pads are fraught with bumps and wrinkles. So let's have a laugh and make it crinkle.