Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 6/14/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: June 14, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Mike is LIVE from New York during peak Knicks insanity as he and Greg dive into Broadway, bagels, old HBO stories, Florida crime, bizarre internet trends, and the strangest Sunday Papers topics yet. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair. Every style, every home. There's red rubber band. Ink still emitting a little bit of a vapor. That's why I would love the Sunday paper. You get a little bit high off the fumes. What is it a mimbograph from back in school? Do you think that young people see Sunday papers and they go, what? What's a Sunday paper. Pretty close to it at this point, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. Although I'm in New York, man. It is in, where are you? Oh, you're back home. I'm in Venice Beach, California, baby. It's fucking beautiful here. All right. So wait, let's just jump.

So I'm in New York. It's obvious. I literally came here for the Knicks. It just works out beautifully that my daughter. And your daughter. Well, my daughter lives here. That just works out nicely. And so today, Weinstein goes,

oh yeah like because we have the podcast he's like uh and i'm at his house right now and he in Brooklyn and he goes oh yeah maybe you could tell the two girls the subway story i'm like what's that and he goes the story like i acted out in the bar with you in fitzsimmons i'm like about what and he's like the two girls getting and i'm like pretty hazy then i think it was pretty hazy so i'm going to have to ask Greg about it the two girls in the subway story. Oh, I love it. I love if you're hazy.

Maybe it was forgettable. But you at the beginning of this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was talking about walking on the subway and he walked past these two girls. And they look pretty similar. And he said, oh, they're sisters. And I wonder, I think he said one of them was better looking than the other one, maybe. and he wondered if the other one had a hard time growing up with a hot older sister

and then he turned around and they were making out and he was like apparently it's very easy growing up with a great-looking sister I think that's roughly it I that's not exactly right but it was roughly that but yeah I was a few in and I was just you know high on New York. Oh, yeah, you were a few in. Yeah. You started crying at one point. You're very funny.

Whenever you get drunk, you cry a little bit. Well, I got choked up because you two, we were talking about, I don't know how we got there, but like kind of the beginnings and how tough it is. Maybe we're talking about our kids in the beginnings of their careers. Yeah. And kind of what you and what I tell my students at USC about just, is that when I talked about the lottery? Oh, yes. It was about everything's a lottery ticket. Whether when you go out in night to an improv, like or a, uh, uh, whatever, a show, the person you meet

there, a lottery ticket, the spec script you write, a lottery ticket. And you have to get lucky, so you need as a man. Well, you're talking about like when you're in your 20s and you're hungry and you know what you want to do and you're in New York City and there's just different groups of people in circles and you're being exposed to so many like opportunities. Yeah. And you're going to see them as opportunities and not just as, uh, I want to go home and watch sex in the city. Right. Well, never do that. But it's, it's really anywhere, L.A. or whatever. If you're invited to UCB, you don't know who you're going to meet, blah, blah, blah. But then it occurred to me that you and Weinstein are, were two of my winning lottery tickets. Like you just paving the way for me in my

early, early days at HBO, where you would call Ray Romano, Dave Atel, Louis C.K. You'd call all of them and be like, hey, Mike's one of us. Like, don't, don't do the awkward dance. with an on-air promos guy at HBO who's going to ruin your jokes by editing it like in a shitty way. And that's saved. I mean, I came back with the best results of anyone at HBO because of you. And then Weinstein got me the gig, you know, with our friend Diana, got me the gig at, at HBO. So anyway, yeah, I got choked up telling that. Well, I think it's also just, just so both sides of the story, like I knew how talent.

you were. And I felt like I was doing a favor for all of those guys by saying, hey, you're going to get something really good with this guy. So, you know, trust them. Yeah. Well, that's when it works out. I say the same thing when people like maybe thank me. I'm like, I would, you know, I go, I hate to sound like this guy. I never would have recommended you if I didn't think you were talented. Right. You know, like, it doesn't make me seem as magnanimous that like I'll help anybody. It's kind of not true. Like I really, you know, you know, when you have. have someone. So anyway, thank you. And don't forget that when I was struggling, when I was coming up, uh, I for like three years when I lived in Boston, I would drive down to New York almost every

week. I'd come in on a Sunday and I would sleep on your couch, you and Brickner and Jerry. And it was a fucking small apartment. And I had a set of keys and you guys let me stay there all the time. Oh, yeah. And, uh, and I, I remember one time. Do you remember this? Jerry came running back and he's like, or maybe Dan, he was like, Julia Roberts is at the bagel shop. You guys had a bagel shop that was pretty famous

at the corner of, it was the 2nd Avenue. No, we were on Lex by 87th, I think. Yeah, and he's like, Julie Roberts is at the thing. And so we're sitting there and it was a ground floor apartment. And then all of a sudden she came walking by with a dog and picked up dog shit in front of, of us on the street. All right.

This is how I remember it, which is crazy. I think I called from the bagel shop. Oh, maybe that's what it was. Okay. Like I was going to work. All three of, well, you weren't unemployed, but you worked at night. My two roommates were totally unemployed. And so I called and go, Julia Roberts is walking her dog.

She just left the bagel shop balls. So you guys, from what I heard, you ran to the windows like, like eight year old. and pulled up the blinds, and she was right out front of the apartment where the dog decided to take a shit. And so she was standing outside as your three faces on our ground floor apartment. We're right there.

Our first celebrity sighting in New York City. Yeah. Speaking of celebrities, have you seen the Jeff Buckley documentary? Oh, my God. I can't wait. I cannot wait. We talked about it.

and I've been all over his neighborhood because that's where Sophie lives and that's where I stayed the first two nights on the Lower East Side. East Village, I should say. Yeah. So I'm going to see it. All right.

See it. We're going to have time to kill. We've had a lot to watch. We've had a lot to watch. So wait a minute. Sophie's in town. Chris is out of town. Do you have anybody else to hang out

with in New York besides your daughter? Yeah. There's a bunch of people. And then Pete's, I guess. in Westchester at his sisters right now. Oh, yeah, he doesn't have, he doesn't have that apartment in the city anymore. But, you know, it was unbelievable is it's,

it's next, Knicks fever, Knicks fever, Nick's fever. And then a very cool other perspective is, I went and saw O'Mary, the matinee yesterday. We'll talk about that. Oh, you did. With Maya Rudolph. It's, I mean, it's, I mean, Maya Rudolph, it's, I was dying laughing.

Like, it's a laugh out loud play. And that's rare. I mean, I, that's not often. and that I see that. Here's what it is. It's everything I hope for. She, so the general story of O'Mary

is it's, it's Lincoln's crazy, and I'm using my words very carefully, his crazy wife and alcoholic wife, Mary. And it's about her, and she wants to be an actress again. And so,

not only, and this is my hopes, does Maya play it crazy? If I may say, Maya went full R and and I'll leave it so I won't mess up the algorithm Full R like

To such an hysterical extent it was it was it was the best Like she So you've seen it right Yeah and Lincoln is portrayed as Was he still black? He's gay Yes

He's black and gay Yeah Which is half right from what I've heard And so but when she's doing the audition, when she's, when she's, sorry, when she's learning, taking acting lessons and she's reading Shakespeare, when I say you couldn't decipher a word because that's how far into crazy she leaned. Like it was, I mean, I was doubled over.

She's, I mean, she, just her and her eyes. That's what you mean. Like, you know, when you, we have these Shakespearean actors, whether it's with that, that gravity, no matter how it's a chance. with the booming voice or the just the stature or the movement or the face her eyes I had the

shittiest seat way up top Maya Rudolph's crazy eyes were the were the attraction in the theater yeah by the way how about that theater it's fucking beautiful I know and uh...

Delicium theater when I saw it it was Jane Krakowski uh her her physical comedy was so over the top. And the crazy thing is me, you and Weinstein are sitting in a bar down on Spring Street and we

start talking about it. And we both were saying, I said, I saw it and I loved it. And he goes, I saw it. I wasn't impressed. I go, yeah, but when I saw it, it was Jane Krakowski. And he's like, no, when I saw it, it was Jane Krakowski. And I said, wait a minute, you

texted me that night. We were at the same show. And he only knew I was at the because I posted a picture of me and Owen in the audience with the playbill, and I guess he saw my social media. Who the fuck is looking at their social media during a play? But he noticed my social media and he texted me. But I think it was just after the play, so we didn't see each other.

Well, you can't claim it was an off night when he saw it, I guess. But isn't that weird of all the nights that we would be there? We're sitting in a fucking bar in Soho talking about the play and we were both there the same night yeah and to tell you the truth i was a little worried because it was it was good he lowered the bar for me a little you know because it was a high bar but it's a lot of people if i may say who's who's comedy i don't respect that much who are like oh my god i laughed to my ribs hurt and you know like all that stuff but it's like yeah but let's keep in mind a curse word gets a laugh on broadway right right right i mean this is an easy crap

And if your humor's too funny, like Book of Mormon, at times where it's edgy, people walk out. Yeah. Which they walked out when I saw Book of Mormon. Well, a lot of people walked out on Jeff Ross's show, take a banana for the road because it was too edgy. It was too edgy. No, I'm kidding. It was great. Did you see it?

Yeah, I did. I went backstage, said hello, the whole thing. It was really good. I didn't see it in the theater, but I saw it on Netflix. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. No, the theater was great. He walks around, as you saw, he walks around and all that stuff.

So anyway, the bar was lowered, which was great. But I was a little worried. I saw a big gimmicky thing that everybody howled at. I saw that coming like three minutes before it came. It was the identity of the acting teacher. So anyway, so I was like worried. I'm like, oh, no. Like, is this like Broadway funny or is this funny, funny?

but it soon didn't matter because Maya is so funny and so pushed it. All right. Speaking of raising the bar high, I was in New York for game. Is that two? Three. I was in New York for game three of the Knicks and the anticipation. Oh, sorry. When you watched it with me?

Yeah, game three. Game three. So, you know, Knicks fan, not like you. You were a way bigger Knicks fan than I was. That's hysterical, by the way. I used to be. I took the bandwagon all the way from L.A. to LaGuardia. Got off literally bought my Nick's shirt in LaGuardia.

I'm just going to be full disclosure here. And a friend got me I had in L.A. I still have my banner, which is amazing, that I did buy when I was six years old and 74, which says world champs. I still have that, though. All right, go ahead. So it was electric. It really was.

I mean, you've heard the descriptions. Everybody's probably sick of it, but I have never felt New York City that alive. It was, and I was around when the Rangers finally won the Stanley Cup. I was around when the Mets won the World Series. And this was beyond anything I've seen. It's just everyone's got Nick stuff on. you go in a deli you buy a cup of coffee

do you see the game who's going to win how much they're going to win by you know and it's just like so we go to this bar and we kind of nailed it we picked a place next door to your daughter's place and we got there just be literally

10 minutes before the crowds piled in we got a booth with a great view of TV set the volume was on 5 volume could have been a little lower but it was good that it was on that loud and um and it was just you know seeing seeing the fucking crowd and what's so funny is it didn't occur to me that they were going to lose the game until they lost the game like it literally

i don't think anybody in new york considered the possibility that they were losing game three right and when they did i took the subway home you could hear a fucking pin drop it was just a inflation. So yeah, I walked, did I walk around that night after? Yeah. And yeah, I walked around a bunch and I had, you know, my dumbnick stuff on like, but every single person did. And just everyone I passed. I got less condolences from the world when my mom died than I did walking around the East village after that game. And just everyone, I kind of. And literally some people would, a lot of people would like scream from across the street five in five, five. Like the whole thing changed to five.

But like I'm not even kidding you. There were times walking on the street like a guy and his girlfriend and then he'd see me. And without not being audible would literally just go five like five. Like it was kind of a wave, but the wave was five fingers. And like just and then a nod like five. Well, this was the game that Trump went to. And during the day, I walked past Madison Square Garden just to check it out. And I literally got in there.

I think I was there at 3.30 and at 4 o'clock, they closed down traffic from 29th Street up to 35th Street and everything from Madison Avenue West. And literally blocked out the center of the city for fucking seven hours. Meaning all the bars that depend on Nick's games to make their nut had nobody in them. There was nobody allowed on those streets. And people had to get there two hours early and you couldn't bring a bag and all this bullshit. And then this motherfucker falls asleep. And then with a nail biter of an ending leaves 15 minutes before the end of the game. Are you shitting me?

I know. And we were going to go to a watch party. We were planning on going to the garden and being part of that big watch party. I know. Which, by the way, I'm glad we didn't go to the other one because they're getting violent. It's really fucking nuts. I hate it. My whole thing was, let's not go Philly on this.

Let's not be Philly. But, you know, a lot of the Knicks fans, and I guess Philly could say the same thing. But a lot of them are like, these are the kids picking on like a Spurs jersey, but it's all about filming it. It's like 30 kids. It's really just trying to get online because they know the news will cover it also. Right. They're posting it themselves, so whatever. Anyway.

So here's a great perspective also. I go and my dumb little thing was I went from OG to O Mary. And then I see the matter. So now I'm walking all over New York. Very hot to be walking around. But anyway, I'm walking around. And then I pass, this is yesterday. I pass a, I don't know, 15 restaurants,

but the Mexican restaurants watching Mexico playing in the World Cup, losing their shit. Yeah. And it was like, it's, it's, and now the World Cup here, like, of course the Knicks, everyone's sick seeing all the hype. Now the World Cup. And, and there's guides being printed of where do you go see the Czech Republic play? Where's Germany?

Where is this South American bar, you know? And so there's like a map. Like Canada is playing in 18 minutes. And I got a list of the can there's a Canada bar called like, I think it's called like Canucks or whatever. And it's in, I walked by it yesterday. Wow. hilarious.

It's a big hockey bar. Guess where Owen was for the Mexico game? I do know. In Mexico. He said it was in, they were sitting on a bar on the beach and he's like it was just insane how people but you USA plays today I just put some money on it they are yeah east coast 9 p.m. They are the favorites and yeah I you know we'll see if it catches on because there was not a lot of pre-hype for the world cup I think that a lot of people were

kind of like put off by the ticket prices the transportation the housing yeah that so many people are not coming to the U.S. because of it because You know, they have threatened, you know, a deportation of people that come. I don't know if you call it deportation, but like they'll incarcerate people that are here illegally as fans of the sport. So the whole thing had kind of had kind of a Paul over it, cast a Paul. Is that the phrase? We'll find out in the Fitzfax corrections. But now it seems to be getting a little bit of traction. And my housekeeper was here yesterday, Outa.

And she has been with us for 25 years. And so I put on the Mexico game and I put it on Telemundo so she could hear it in Spanish. And I went out to do a couple errands and I came home. Vacuum cleaner is leaning against the front door and she's sitting on the couch watching. Crying and that's when you realize she's from Guatemala. She is from Guatemala. No, she's not. Oh my God.

You're the one. worst. I mean, if it was soccer, I wouldn't have fired her for sitting down. If it was Mexico, if it was Guatemala, I wouldn't have fired her for sitting down. Listen, if they start losing, you got to make the money and jewelry a little easier to steal for her. All right, let's get to it. The logo this week is from Benjamin Glazer. I've actually had this logo. I was looking through the folder of old logos. This looks familiar. I don't know if we ever put this up or not, but I really like it. Yeah. I almost feel like getting a poster

of it. The song is from Dan and Nick, who is a father-son team. One lives in London. The other one is in, I believe, Atlanta, and they have done a few of these songs. That's a pretty wild one. When Dan visits Nick in Atlanta, they sit down and they make a song.

Corrections. Joe Blow says, Greg describes stars as, quote, bigger and closer. in Vermont. Astronomers would like a word with you. Okay. That's a perfect way to phrase it.

That's like saying Julia Roberts is not a bigger star than Anthony Jesselich. Okay. Well, is she bigger physically than Anthony Jesselick? No, but she's a bigger star. So when you're in a farm, literally the closest city to them is probably 30 miles away, 40 miles away. The stars shine brighter because there's less refraction and there's less reflection. And so the stars in my mind are bigger. I think what you're trying to say is there's less urban glow.

You could say that. I figure you're going to get dinged on refraction. But anyway. Yeah. Maybe there's some refraction with pollution. So I don't want to rule you out. But I will say this. It was pretty incredible.

And I am really, as much as the weather is beautiful in Venice, and I just bought a nice used bike, I got a great deal on a used bike, and I love it. And I wanted a big bike ride. But I got to tell you, man, I'm missing the country already. I'm really feeling like I need to be spending more time out of the city in the summer, somewhere rural. I really need to be eating mushrooms in the woods more.

Yes. is what you're saying. We also got from 5 after 4 a.m. Coriale, Greg, your buddy's name is Pete Correale. I have such brain fog at this point. My life, Pete Correalee, I have known for 30 years. I've been on a show a million times. He's been on my show.

We've been in the trenches doing Stan. Anyway, I spaced his name. My apologies to Pete Correale. I should actually text him in case anybody tells him. I forgot his name. tour dates coming up huntington beach at mamba on july 12th st pete's has a festival called joke world august 14 through 15 also i'll be at the cincinnati funny bone august 26th columbus funny bone august 27th also coming to vancouver on september 5th this is just being announced

lahoia batavia illinois phoenix go to fitzdog dot com get some tickets come on out also shout out to Gotham production studios for putting the show together. You'll notice the quality of the video is not as good today because normally Matt is here. He went away on a trip with his lovely wife this weekend for their honeymoon. And so we are on Zoom video instead of the... Might have been their anniversary? It is their anniversary.

That's right. That is right. You're so romantic. You call your anniversary is a honeymoon. Did I say honeymoon? You might have. Yes, you did. All right, let's get it.

You got some crinklage? Oh, man. Yeah, you know what it is? It's my bagel. There we go. It's my New York bagel in Brooklyn here. Shout out to H&H.

Bagel Pub. Bagel Pub. How about that? Santa Monica needs one of these. Here we go. All right. Do ring girls outfits for Trump UFC fight breach the flag code? Never heard of a flag.

code. I think he has a fag code, though. Ah, he went there. The custom red, white, and blue outfits featuring sequins, flag motifs, and short skirts were revealed ahead of the UFC Freedom 250. Events set to take place on the South Lawn is part of celebrations marking the web, blah, blah, blah. At the center of some online criticism is the U.S. flag code, which is a loose guideline for how the American flag should be treated.

The code explicitly says the flag should never be used. as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery, and adds that no part of it should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. How about that? Now, the fight scheduled to take place June 14th. It's coinciding with Flag Day

and President Trump's birthday and is being framed as a centerpiece of wider national celebrations for the 250th anniversary. I can't believe that this democracy is going to last 251 years. What a run. Yeah. You think it's going to make it to one? Or I guess it's one day in. It makes it to one technically.

I mean, if you're not supposed to wear the flag that, are you allowed to wear the flag? Are you allowed to drape yourself in it to promote fascism and racism? Yeah. It turns out. That's what they do. Patriots are the one who misuse it the most. Yes, it is pretty amazing. But look, and if you can't wear red, white, and blue, every. Republican politician wears a blue suit, white shirt, and red tie with the flag pin on top of it. You got the New England Patriots, red, white, and blue, Robert Kraft, Brady, pals with Trump, Sylvester Stallone. Rocky fought in a flag. And then Stallone introduced Trump at Mar-a-Largo, and he compared him to Washington,

George Washington, and Jesus Christ. which I mean Jesus Christ I get because he also hung around with prostitutes he had 12 yes men around him one of them betrayed him Marjorie Taylor Green when he was born he had riches

handed to him and he went out into the desert for 40 days well Trump went to Saudi Arabia for just long enough to make a 100 billion dollar arms deal and another $2 billion deal for Jared's investment company that was his time in the desert

Yeah, both very productive times in the desert. Yes. Life changing kind of. Yeah. You know, the only flag code I was kind of aware of was, and it's not even mentioned here, but that the flag is never to touch the ground, right? Never touch the ground. And I think these ring girls, I think they're going to touch the ground.

I think these outfits are going to be, their backs are going to be on the ground. Yeah. If you think that those two fighters in the ring are grappling. and grabbing and rolling around. Wait until you see Trump with the ring girls at the after party. I think some of the guys in the ring will also be on their backs with their American flag shorts, Speedos at some point. But it does, I mean, what is hotter really?

An American flag bikini, there are so many of those, mostly in Florida. And they're pretty fetching, I got to say. Yeah, I salute that. My cock salutes that flag. Okay. Speaking of which. Do you hate the algorithm? Is that what you're doing?

I know. And I already said F-A-G. Jesus. I know. Okay, let's get to, well, on that note, let's get to vagina maxing. It's a vaginal microbiome report. Oh, sorry, a vaginal microbiome report sparks a surge in a trend. So Brian Johnson's vaginal microbiome report, let me start again.

Brian Johnson's vaginal microbiome report has sparked a surge in curiosity surrounding vagina maxing, which comes after looks maxing and ball maxing. I missed ball maxing. I miss ball maxing. I'm ball minimizing for sure. And they've been doing the rounds on social media. So according to the expert, it's a social media term rather than a medical one. It refers to attempts to improve the appearance, smell, tightness, grooming, or perceived attractiveness of the,

vulva or vagina with beauty routines, supplements, procedures, or products. The trend can include excessive grooming or hair removal, tightening products, vaginal steaming, washes, or deodorants, whitening, lightning creams, so you can lighten it as well, cosmetic procedures like labiaplasty or fillers, obsessive hygiene routines, and supplements, marketed. for feminine freshness or libido. Well, I don't know about excessive hair removal. I think get every fucking hair out.

There's nothing excessive about getting rid of all the hairs. I mean, do you want the word max anywhere near vagina? It seems counterintuitive. Yeah, even a guy named Max never gets near a vagina. Let's be honest. All right. Max is one of those names like Bruce is a gay name Max is a nerd name

It's also I think it's like Woody Allen would give his old Jewish man Max Yeah yeah where's Max? Well look I've done every one of these things to my asshole and still nobody goes near it And I go to gold's gym and drop my towel and there is no interest And also that self-privile published book of yours on Amazon, Greg's anal maxing. By the way, it kind of makes you think, why did God make the vagina so repulsive? And I don't mean to objectify a woman's body part, but like the penis is so simple.

It is just a member. It just hangs out. It's not wet. It doesn't have folds. And the vagina, I think he, I think Jesus Christ had to make the vagina kind of. repulsive to keep men from having sex all the time. It was just a speed bump. I think you're being generous with the description of the penis.

I think most, here's my take. I think most penises, when they don't know, they're going to be on stage. In other words, when they don't know, they're going to be unveiled. They're like, whoa, whoa. They're like almost like a hungover person who's like, no, no, no, like squinty eyes. Like, I'm not ready to be seen.

Not like this. I've been pressed up into the body by these, you know, these underwear or jeans that are just jamming me in there. Give me, give me some room. I got to air out. Yeah. And that's, that's not even get into the balls. I mean, the skin, it looks like chicken skin. No, that's our vagina.

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. And, but the, but the vagina is just, it's so, I mean, of course you got to clean it. It is just like it's like the window of a hotel room. There's shades and blinds and curtains and so many places for moisture and bacteria to collect. And then we dump our load in it. It comes out of our penis.

Our penis doesn't retain any of that. All right. Well, just as a public service announcement, no one's supposed to clean the inside of it. Just so you know. Is that true? It's absolutely true. And it's a big backlash against this vagina maxing. Is there like all the gynecologists that are catching on or women who know what they're talking about are like going online saying, whoa, slow, slow, slow. You're going to door on the outside. You can spend time, you know, but please let the biology take care of itself on the inside.

Well, I got to say this is a lot of wasted effort. Most guys don't care. I used to have a very low bar for the hygiene. I mean, I would go to a bar and dance. I'd be with a girl who literally danced for four hours and sweated. And I had no problem. You know what? Take a dump before we have sex.

Okay. This is quite the grade here. Are you menstruating? ready. Hey, let's not, let's, I don't need to get involved with that. Let's, let's, let's move ahead with this project. Also, I think a lot of guys would be like, if there's like a, uh, under construction sign on the front, they're like, no problem. Yep. We can, we can literally work around it. Around it. Yeah. All right. God. Not related at all. All right. Let's clean it up. Well, residual algae coats part of the newly opened reflecting pool, which is not code for vagina. The Trump administration has spent

days heavily promoting the finished renovations at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, crediting the president with making Washington, D.C. look better than ever. But a day after the reservoir was filled, post-renovations, there was already quite a bit of algae visible from the water's edge. CNN spotted a worker clearing the algae from the bottom of the recently filled pool while shooting a video. As for comment, an interior department spokesman said, The algae is residual and a normal part of the early process of restoring operations at the reflecting pool. What you are seeing... Maybe we need some reflecting pool maxing.

What you're seeing is residual algae from the supply lines, which have been sitting dormant for eight weeks while construction has been taking place. It's part of the normal startup process. We're removing the algae and then nanobblers. I left that word in there. Oh. I love nanobblers. We'll maintain the pool and keep it algae. free. Meanwhile,

Republicans are still blaming the germs on MLK's March on Washington 60 years ago. So, yeah, I had the same thought that this is, this might, this, it sounds like it's true. It's the only residual argument

that might be true in the Trump administration because everything is residual. This is residual inflation. Apparently our attacks in Iran are residual from the Biden administration. Everything is residual. from the Biden administration that has happened in this administration. Even the good thing, they're blaming it on something residual.

Yeah, yeah. Well, look, I think Trump will spend tens of million dollars on anything he can see his reflection in. So this was, I could have predicted this. Very, very narcissistic, narcissists. That sounds like a Fallon joke. What the fuck kind of joke was that? Oh, someone just said, when I see Fallon at Nick's games, it ruins it for me. a little more than uh not more than taylor swift but about kind of the same taylor swift

dancing on the floor with her two dope friends made me want to get a shotgun oh like why go though like it's you were very similar to the president that way you're just very distracting everyone's asking why are you here you know you're not a real fan and also i'm not i wouldn't even think to go to the I'm not a fan enough to be in that building. Never mind. By the way, everyone is saying the vibe is very different and very unlike a lot of Madison Square Garden games because the real fans have had no choice but to sell their tickets. Dude, it's a first of all, there is a luxury box for exactly this scenario.

You sit behind glass, you get served sushi and you don't get in anybody's eye line and you don't distract from the game. That's where you should fucking be. And you can nap, you can text, you can do all the shit you're going to do anyway. Oh my God. I saw this one woman was in the background and you know how some people because they're behind the bench you can see them. Texting throughout the game. Texting. Get the fuck out. You should be thrown. And by the way, just going back to your point about not the normal crowd, it is a little bit surreal when you see the viewing parties outside are 90% black. The audience inside is 97% white.

And the players on the court are 99% black. It's fucking weird. Right. Great point, Greg. Let's just sit on that for a second. Let's not say anything. And now we'll go to an ethical question. Ethical question.

All right. This was sent in by Outer, Albert Carrado, who had an idea for one that I liked. Oh, it says drinking. I'm very self-conscious because of these fuzzy memories that I'm gathering here in New York. I have to do one of those dry months when I get back. Go ahead. What's the question?

A previous girlfriend that you were not faithful to, unknown to her, is back in the picture. You have changed your life and ethics and want to marry this woman. Do you disclose your past transgressions to show you are serious about accountability and that you want to start on a foundation of trust, or do you keep it just to yourself knowing that you will be a faithful partner and loving husband? Excellent question. I think it's whatever you feel you need to do,

but I think I could defend both. I mean, you don't really need to defend the full confessing, but defending the keeping it to yourself, you know, you've changed and you've grown, and if it I don't I don't think you do I guess is the short answer. All right. Well, what about this scenario? I think you could do both is what I'm saying.

All right. Good answer. Way to play ethical question. I hate to like bail out on it because I'm not. I am saying I can defend the second one. All right. What about this scenario? And is it scenario or scenario?

You know, you can say anything you want. You already said menstruating. So it's whatever you want to do. Why is the word man in menstruating? How come they call it? Because it's for us. Why is it a hysterectomy? Hello?

I keep, this is what it's like in a New York building. I keep hearing people walk in. What about this scenario is, oh, there you go, there's somebody in the background. You marry this woman. Yeah. And then two or three years.

down the line, it is brought to her attention that you had cheated on her. How do you think she would react to that and would it hurt the marriage? And would you then look back and say, I should have disclosed this earlier? Oh, well, I mean, so the cheating happened in the first iteration of the relationship. Yes. Yeah, yeah. No, she has a good point. But that's what I mean. I think you have to kind of be articulate. I think you can't be defensive. I think you just have to be like, and maybe you can regret.

Like you probably, I don't know if you're being genuine saying you, you didn't know it would affect her this much. But that could be genuine. Like, I don't know, that was so long ago. And that's also when our relationship, by definition, wasn't working. Well, what if it's struggling again? She could say, well, what if we struggle in the,

future. Is that mean you're going to step out? Is that her giving me permission? I think that's so generous of her. I think that would make sense in marriages. I'd be like, you know what? Thank you. But it didn't work last time. You know what? I think I'm going to stay loyal. I know that's not what you're offering, but I'm going to stay loyal this time. Yeah. All right. Speaking of loyal, let's go down to Florida. All right. Here we go.

Let's make America, Florida again. And Florida man claims he's asked God, I love this headline. Florida man claims he asked God a million times to allow him to kill his father. Who hasn't? The investigation began on May 16th when a family member told deputies that the dad had not been seen since May 7th. Deputies said they found evidence of foul play and handed the case to major crimes detectives who obtained a search warrant for a property. During the search, detectives said they found freshly dug dirt in the backyard. Not ever a good sign.

Freshly dug dirt in the backyard when you don't have a garden is only bad. Yeah, I think that the police in Florida should have drones that just go around looking for freshly dug dirt. All right. Guess what else they found around the freshly dug dirt? And of course, it was human remains later identified as the missing father. I'm shocked it wasn't identified as missing father plus. when detectives attempted a second jailhouse interview after he initially refused to speak they said the guy confessed to the killing

he reportedly told detectives quote I asked God a million times to let me kill my father please come on please and he claimed he was doing God's work because his father was trying to link up with satanic people and trying to kill him well it sounds like this guy's a hero

In Florida, I think you can put that down to self-defense. He's the front line against Satan. Yeah. This guy should be compensated for it. If anything, I think that God should get in trouble for not letting him kill this guy faster. Yeah, like, no one's doing my work. Why does God get people doing his work? Yes.

That's true. That's true. Everyone's doing God's work. Uh-huh. God can't handle it. That's insulting. Yeah. Why can't God do his own work?

Has he gotten lazy? Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah. God needs to get his shit together. I can't keep doing his work. And also, but, you know, it might not be gunsful. It's all these people handicapping God.

Yes. You know what? Let me help you out. It's like, no, no, no, I got it. No, you know what? You don't. Clearly you don't because all around the world, people are doing your work. That's pathetic.

All right, here we go. Let's make America, Texas again. Let's do it. We, okay, Texas man, Texas man declared dead by Social Security and he was forced to prove he is alive after the benefits stopped. We have learned,

so the note that was sent to the house, we have learned of the passing of Anthony Morales, says the letter from Social Security, but there's a problem. The person reading the letter was Anthony Morales, who was not dead. I hope not if he's reading. and looking at a negative balance on his account.

That's because Social Security thought Anthony was dead, so they stopped sending him his disability checks. It put him two months behind. I can't afford rent. I can't afford groceries. I can't afford maintenance on my wheelchair. Oh, he saved. Look, he backloaded that boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much maintenance does it really require? He's, I think, someone to push it probably. He says he had to make four trips to Social Security office with an unmaintained wheelchair. Yeah. To convince. Here comes squeaky again.

It worked, the squeaky wheel. And he had to convince them he was alive. And this is the funny part. They literally had a picture of this, which was handwritten. On the fourth trip, he had to write on the document, I'm still alive. Check here if you were still alive. Does the signature, does the signature not do that? Like what?

Imagine the woman like, I guess. Yeah. Like you know, ever been a place where they're, like when you're renewing your license or maybe you have a vehicle that's not exactly straightforward, it's going to be like, like, not, not used so you want to suspend the registration. So it's like you're kind of figuring it out together with the civil servant. Yeah. All right.

I guess, you know what here? She turns, flips the paper around so it faces them. Just right here, I'm still alive. Like, that's what they came up with. Well, I mean, this is a pretty good prank. If people, what do you call it when you swat somebody, like you send the SWAT teams to their house? If you, if you, your ex-husband, you don't like them,

declare them debt to Social Security. You think Social Security is double checking? They're loving getting people off the list. All it takes is one person sending a forged death certificate to Social Security. And you can totally fuck your. crippled hungry husband squeaky is this crippled also knock us out of the algorithm yeah oh my god sea word just say c word and we would have thought even it would have been funnier he's not a cunt he's just crippled oh my god my uh let fly with the c word right that's in the i was wondering if there was

any room for improv kind of in o mary but anyway she lets fly with a very highlighted c word at one point. It was hysterical. And there I am, laughing at a curse, but it was so well delivered and great. Speaking of C-words, let's go to sports. Here we go. Phil Mickelson is no longer welcomed at a fancy San Diego

golf course after being accused of making unwanted contact with a female employee. The alleged incident is said to have gone down earlier this year in the clubhouse. The six-time major champion is accused of approaching a female employee and making quote non-consensual and inappropriate

physical contact with her. According to the report boy golf has so many fucking rules according to the report the woman went to her bosses and the club immediately launched an investigation when the 55 year old golf legend returned to the course he was confronted and told to vacate the premises

which he did before completing his round that seems harsh you're on 16 Jesus Christ. Yeah. A spokesman for Phil downplayed the situation. You know you're in trouble

when you have a spokesman and you're a golfer. Downplayed the situation saying any misunderstanding has been cleared up. Phil continues to attend to a family health matter and is uncertain

when he will be able to return to professional golf. Wow. Yeah, the family health matter is that his wife seems to be running a fever right now. He's checking on.

that. This is, this would be his defense. He should be like, listen, all I told her is, I want to get this in the back of your stance. I want your knees bent. It has to be in the back of your stance. Do you understand? And you really got to drive the hips. You got to drive the hips and really keep your head down, way down. Especially after. You just keep your head down. And he even said to her in his defense, do you want it in or out? It was a good lie. He barely touched her. It sounds like it was a one-stroke penalty.

Maybe a two-stroke penalty. Oh, my God. And like most of his drives lately, he was out of bounds and grabbed a ball. How many of these do you have? Well, did you know he calls the bar cart girls the 19th hole, which I thought was a red flag. It would be 19th holes, I think. would have sold that better. All right.

Let's go international. Let's go down to science. We got a good science story here. All right. Here we go, science. You do science. A North Carolina man named Michael Phillips, uh-oh, is publicly claiming he has the world's smallest penis,

and he's challenging anyone on earth to prove him wrong. Phillips 38 says his penis measures 0.38 inches, not 0.4 inches, 0.38 inches, when fully erect. To illustrate it, he held up the fingernail on his pinky and said, when it's flaccid, it's smaller than that. He did research online, and he said, I welcome anybody out there to beat me. Not a great choice of phrasing.

He described several occasions where he was, quote, in a position where I could have sex and trying and not being successful. He said using the bathroom can also be difficult because it goes everywhere. He claimed that medical providers didn't give any advice on how to increase it, though they mentioned there's minor things that can be done. He's like, did you have to say minor? He also claims, this is my joke, he also claims he has the biggest male breasts and is the moodiest guy on the planet. So 0.38 inches when fully erect.

And then he has the nerve to say, or courage, that when it's flasked, it's smaller. But here's what this guy with a 0.38 inches being saying is that he's a shower, a grower, I mean. He's a grower. Right. Not a shower. How much smaller is the showing before the growing when you're 0.38 when you're showing. well look I've I've seen women with clitorises that are

at least a half an inch so this is I mean have you heard of the term this might be your most disgusting podcast that we've ever done actually yeah all right Matt leaves us and this is what we end up doing hermaphrodites

basically this is a hermaphrodite he doesn't have the smallest penis he has a medical condition also what would you say the difference if a guy is claiming right and he's average say a guy's claiming he's a shower and i mean a grower i keep saying that because i keep saying shower because doesn't anyone just want to show it once they're at full my ass so anyway i didn't see my friend's daughters here and this is what i'm yelling in the apartment but the difference between a grower and a shower It has to be four, five, sometimes six times the difference, right?

Yeah, right. So what do you think? Honestly, this guy's at 0.38. What is he when he's not growing? So one sixth of four tenths of an inch would be less than a tenth of an inch. Yeah. I'm not a math guy, but I think it's negative. I think it's inside the body.

Did you ever read the book Middle Sex? You know what? No, it's been highly recommended. And now that I'm a reader, I might get to it. This guy Eugenides wrote it. That's one, top three favorite books I've ever read. It's about the, it's about three different stories of three different hermaphrodites in different times in history. And it's, it's brilliant.

Is hermaphrodite still the accepted term? We'll let the algorithm. Why do they call it her hermaphrodite? Yeah. Shouldn't it be a hymnaphrodite? Did it come out in the 90s? When did it come out? The book came out in the 90s, yeah.

It was like the perfect time. also. Like it was the talk of the country, maybe the world. All right, look, let's move down to a thing called this day. This day in history. All right. Full disclosure. I'm a little off. When you were reading the story about that guy, the unblest guy with his penis, I realized they didn't have this day in history. So I just called it up. Okay. Here we go.

is called a blind read. Yellowstone was established. Did we do this last week? No, as the first, oh, I think there might have been another national park. Anyway, Yellowstone was established as the world, the world's first national park on this day. I'm not going to tell you the president was that would give it out, but it was signed and it was an act that was signed on this day. Give or take, I'm going to give you 30 years. All right.

I mean, you would think immediately Teddy Roosevelt because he was Johnny National Park, but that would have been in like the 19, I'm reading a book about him right now. So that would have been in like 1910. Is that when Teddy Roosevelt was around? 1910? So I'm going to just go ahead and say 1910. No. I'm just say 1910.

1872. It was U.S. Grant. Whoa. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, Grant was a big explorer guy, too. Okay. Okay. Here's one.

In a major capital punishment case, the U.S. How many years did you give me? 30. Oh, okay. In a major capital punishment case, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that it was unconstitutional to execute people who were under the age of 18 at the time. of their crimes. So,

what year, give or take 20 years to the U.S. Supreme Court rule that it's unconstitutional will execute people

who are under 18. Oh, hold on. I'm going to write something down. I'm going to write something down. Okay. I'm going to say, we started caring about things like that

in the 7. So what did I say, give or take what, 20 years? Yeah. Okay. I'll say 19. 57.

All right. I predicted you'd be 80 years off. I wrote down the number 80. It's 2005. No way. I know. I know. So I tried to pick a generically big number,

but what I wanted to say was give or take 75 years. Damn. I would have gone back. I wouldn't have gone forward. Of course. No, no. Probably right. Justin Bieber was born in London.

I'm already wrong on this one. In London, Ontario. Good luck, Ontario. You started playing football 20 minutes ago in the World Cup. It's Saturday as we, is it today? Saturday. Friday. It's Friday as we record this.

Okay. Justin Bieber, give or take three years, was born in what year? 1979. So I just want to really. read the question again. Justin Bieber. Oh. Was born in what year, give or take, I forgot what I even said.

I'm going to give you five years now. Would I say three? 2000. 1994. I was closer with the first one. Let's do another birthday. Ron Howard, born, give or take five years. 1960.

1954. he already lost. Okay, the Hoover Dam. I really got to start digging up the drought stories because Hoover Dam is in the news. But the Hoover Dam was completed. Get to only five years of construction, which is less time than it takes

to open a bar on Main Street in Santa Monica that already exists to renovate a bar and open it and I guess get through the red tape. So anyway, after five years of construction, the Hoover Dam on the Colorado River at the Arizona-Nevada border was completed, give or take 10 years. When was this? This sounds like something that was done under FDR as part of that work program in the 30s,

so I'll say 1935. Gregory, 1936. Thank you. All right, last one. Charles Lindbergh's two-year-old son, Charles Augustus Jr., was kidnapped from their home near Hopewell, New Jersey, and was later found murdered. Bruno Houtman was convicted of the baby's kidnapping and murder,

and he was executed. What year was the Lindbergh baby stolen, give or take seven years? 1954. All right, what do you know? Normally you do this math, actually very well out loud. Sometimes it doesn't lead to great results. I was thinking that wasn't he like a big hero in World War II?

And then he can't. Oh, wait, no, he was. He was the Red Baron. You got it. No. But also, what else do you know about Lindbergh? Wasn't he a Nazi sympathizer? Yes.

Okay. So then this must have been closer to the 40s. So what, like 42? Also, what is he most known for? He flew across the Atlantic, right? Right. But many have. He was the first.

Yeah. So it wasn't like World War II fame. His fame from World War II, you already stated, actually. All right. So maybe he was a World War I flyer. So this would have been in 1928. We kind of did it together, 1932. All right.

All right. Let's move on. Here we go. Oh, wait. How about, wait, one more. All right. Walt Chamberlain sets new NBA record since we're talking about... 19792.

Do you know what record I was going to say? Most points in a game. Well, you recorded 100 points in a single NBA game. Yeah. I would have said, give or take 10 years. Would I have? Probably not. But I'm going to say that now because it's 1962.

So you did it, buddy. All right. Let's get out on that weird high note. All right, letters to the editor. Here we go. Okay, from David, who's from Halifax, Canada, playing in the World Cup right now. Can you ask, no demand that Mike has to perform a skit as Andy Rooney, or if Mike is too camera shy, it can become a new weekly bit. That impression and riff off the top of his head was hilarious.

I'd love to hear from Andy Rooney every week, and what craziness is going on. in the news. I agree 100%. I've never heard you do an impression before, and you kind of nailed that. Well, now my New York voice is totally shot. Otherwise, I would say, like, ever notice Canadians are the most complimentary? I know I do. How nice they are? Is something wrong? I think there might be. They've got provinces. We have states. States tell you things. Everything's nice. Yeah, Canada makes everything nice. Maple syrup makes pancakes nice. I know they do for me.

And what about the name Halifax? The people from the Titanic are buried there. And you know what best place they can be? Maybe it was for the best. I think so. All right. Speaking of dead, guys, let's do an obituary. All right.

All right, David Hockney, this is today's news, today being Friday. David Hockney, the English artist who's deftly designed and suavely colored paintings, turned transatlantic attention to figurative and narrative art beginning in the late 50s and early 60s after decades in which abstraction had dominated. So he died yesterday in his home in London. He was 88. His reputation spread to New York in 63 when he made a second heavily network trip there. and he met the Mets curator of 20th century art who would become a close and influential friend.

And then this is the last paragraph, but I had to cut it and based it in here from down in the article. The following year, Mr. Hockney visited Los Angeles for the first time. Some of his best-known paintings, many including images of swimming pools, were done there, identifying him as the quintessential artist of Southern California's New York. Uvo-Riche leisure life. Hey, that's us. So the story goes, he was on the plane to L.A.

And he could not believe, especially being from London or England anyway, the amount of swimming pools that he saw out of his airplane window. Oh, yeah, you do see a lot of that. And he became obsessed. And now you've been to the Roosevelt Hotel. Do you know about the Roosevelt?

You say Roosevelt. Roosevelt Hotel. The Roosevelt. hotel's swimming pool? Doesn't it have mosaics that were brought in from Italy? So close. Hockney painted

the bottom of the swimming pool. Oh, okay. The puddle is, I'm going to very uneducatingly describe it as his water kind of marks this kind of motion that it gives the pool and they just renovated the pool

because they were fading so much under the chlorine. Was Trump in charge of that? They're now covered in algae. Residual algae. Are they pool maxing? We're just called, call back to everything. So anyway, Hockney is.

I think of him as maybe the most L.A. artist, actually, that has ever lived. And you will know one of his paintings from a mile away, as they say, it has its own language. And it's distinctly his, and you can see it. I just was at Lachma with my mom who did not like Lachma, the Los Angeles. Is it because her son pronounces it wrong? Did she like Lackma? Lachma. And she did not care for Mr. Hockney's work.

Oh, there's not an exhibit. He just has permanent ones on them? Yeah. Or whatever. They live there, mostly reside there. All right. Let's cheer up. This Hockney thing is really.

taking a toll Here we go, funnies Every week we do the comedy caption contest You guys send in punchlines To one comic That we give you We choose ones that tickle us

We read them We pick a winner That person wins Nothing We have I think did you get the last coozy Not how I do Well I'm in New York

Oh right I left I came here Monday I didn't have a lot of time But I'm not saying that, like, is a playful way. I gave my word. I'm going to send them out. Okay, good.

So for now, we're putting the prize on hold, but just know we appreciate you sending these in. We hope it's an honor to have your name read. And let's start. Last week's comic was three Tyrannosaurus rex, T-Rexes. They're standing in a prehistoric land, and one of them is talking to the other two. David Bentley said, I swear, it's really itchy again, guys. Please. All right. So that's just a rant. I mean, it seems just like a dirty joke. And it would have worked if it was tied in a clever way to what eventually, like, made them extinct or something smarter than this, I guess, David. There were a number of entries along these lines.

a lot of them in doing to do with jerking off. Like why could, oh, that they can't reach? Yeah. Yeah, okay, all right. Brad says, come on. We'll call it a menager treks. Kind of like it. I hate to give wordplay that much credit, but I like it.

John M. said, I'm Greta Dinoberg. And how dare you? I don't. It's probably because I don't read the news. I don't get that one. Something about the environment. I don't know. Rich Kennedy said,

is it just me or is the climate changing? All right. There's a, there's, I can love that one. I don't know why. Yeah. It's just a fucking,

it's just a high fastball up the middle. Yeah. Or does it seem to be getting colder? Wouldn't that be more on the money? No, because that's an actual description. Oh, okay. I don't know, something about climate changing sounds more like something you would have said after it happened.

I got you. Brian Reed said the doctor said it stands for acquired immunodeficiency syndrome and there's no cure. What an advanced doctor. I mean, that's pretty impressive. Yeah. Tim Dilley said, okay, ladies, asteroid watching is over. Now bend over and let's keep this species. going.

All right. Okay. Jeff. Jeff A. and PA said, Chin up boys are luck's about to change. I can feel it. That's kind of funny.

Bill Hanson said, there's an alternative theory that large igneous fields are responsible and they won't happen for another million years. Got it. Bill. Bill did some research.

Matthew said Jesus loves you this much. I got. If you're going to go with the short arms, that's a pretty good way to go. Yeah. I didn't see it coming. Ben said, imagine how climate change will impact our future. That's why I'm going vegan. Who's with me?

All right. Not bad. Dustin Lawrence said, I'm telling you, a comet this big. Not bad. The Jesus joke. This big again. Sonia Frolek said, sponsored by Green Chew for reptile extinction. Okay, yeah

That's cute Yeah Chris Wolf said I heard after we die We turn into vitamins Not yeah I guess All right

I think you like The Jesus Loves you this much Yeah I think you liked I like comet this big It's the same joke Maybe it's better

About the comet Really I think maybe Because it's about the comet Yeah Like I don't know Dustin Lawrence, you have won this week.

Congratulations. Thank you to all of our entrance for your creativity and your effort and sending them in. We love reading all of them, even though we don't use them all. We really enjoy going through them. So thank you. Send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. Put your name right underneath. Makes it easy for me.

And let's move on to the next week's comic caption contest. It is. There's a party going on. People are dressed pretty nice. Suit tie dresses. There's a man talking to a woman. They're each holding a cocktail. And he's talking to her.

There's a talk bubble above his head. But then there's a think bubble coming from his crotch. So I guess what we're looking for is two. We're looking for what they call a couplet. So there'll be a speaking joke and there will be a penis thought joke. I like the setup. Have fun with that. Hagger the horrible this week is talking to Helga.

She's on her hands and needs scrubbing the floor. And then he says to her, Helga, you deserve a second honeymoon. And I'll make all the arrangements. And then Helga's mother goes, at least let Helga choose the second husband. Oh, that almost sounds like a lockhorns. Well, I think it all said.

The reason I picked it is it goes back to, I think the original Hagger the horrible comic that made this a segment weekly is that she was abducted. Helga was abducted by Hager. Oh, yeah. He stole her and he raped her. And that's the origin story for this marriage. And so this sounds like she's saying, at least they let her choose the second husband since she didn't choose you.

I was going to call it a non-consensual kidnapping and think that that's a fun. funny phrase but you know what the funny thing is there's a lot of consensual kidnappings we had a friend who was consensually kidnapped by his father when he was a child oh right you know what i mean like i never thought of it that way yeah some are illegal and bad i'm not judging the kidnapping but the people being taken uh sometimes are for it yep just to just to give you guys the other side we always try to give you another perspective on things. Yeah, I would think the word kidnapping is such a, like almost, it has these,

the violent vibes, obviously, in it built in, but it's not always. All right, here's the onion. It's, it's, it's, it's not like you're taking a screaming child. It's a kid and he's napping. Right. It's a, yeah, it's gentle. All right, here are two onions. The second one is very appropriate for, uh, one of our,

stories. But here's the first one. It's a crying woman and it goes, study says, crying not linked to what you said, but the way you said it. And then here's the one that's related. So coincidentally, it's, what's the picture? It's a, uh, it's a guy with his pipe, which is called a flute, but it's a, uh, revolutionary character wearing a flag shirt. And it says, new evidence proves first flag, first flag, Made by Betsy Ross, actually shirt for gay friend. Yeah. It's pretty gay. Yeah.

So you have that. Of course, it's gay. It's going to be on the lawn in a cage. I don't know what's going on with Benny Hasse, but the Lockhorns was off the mark this week. There wasn't one that I thought would pass. Well, you read like four a week. We could have been reading them for years.

I know. I paste myself out. But usually she's just. She's got him every week. This is a very rare instance. Good point. So now Dummy is sitting on the chair and he, Dagwood, and he's watching TV. And the TV says, a scientist has admitted that his telescopic photo of a new star was actually a slice of salami.

And then Dagwood goes, huh? And then the second frame, it says, salami as an Italian sausage. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, he goes, oh, my. And the TV says, bingo, looks kind of yummy, huh? And then we have Dagwood sitting at the diner. And Lou, who is the cook, says, why the sudden craving for salami? Dagua says it's complicated. Once again, I just want to point out that in the second frame of this,

there's an opportunity for Dagwood to make a move, to be a man. and when it says the photo is actually salami, he could go, hey honey, I got a salami you can see. And now she's bent over that brown chair, that velvet skirt bunched up on the smaller back as he thrusts into those ivory shaped perfectly round buttockses. And she stares at the salami on the TV and she thinks finally, finally Dagwood showed me what a man is.

This is the worst cartoon. The TV, what are these, two newscaster? I mean, we have to do some math on that second frame. They're having a conversation. Yeah. I thought she said bingo looks kind of yummy. And then I thought maybe he was saying, oh, my, no, she is. Oh, what a waste of time.

It's sloppy. It's bad. Also, is it a sudden craving for salami in this trip? Isn't he always craving it? Yeah. And why I go to a diner? I mean, just go to the store. You're going to leave your wife.

You're sitting home watching TV and you just leave your wife and go to a diner. Well, as you point out, you're leaving her just thinking and looking at salami saying, oh, my. Right. And by the way, notice he puts a suit and tie on to go to the greasy diner. He's sitting in a yellow shirt watching TV. Yeah. Fuck. All right.

Listen. Ending on. Support our sponsors, even though we don't have any this week. But also, you guys. No. Here we go. We got the bagel pub. Bagel pub.

Oh, yeah. Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York. Come on down. Also, I want you guys. You know who you might see there? You want to know who you might see there, Greg? Who? John Turturro.

He lives on the next block. No kidding. He's become a little bit of an internet, uh, Instagram, darling. His son has put him on Instagram. He's been very funny with a different layer. of Nick's clothing. Yep. So prepare for next week.

Jeff Buckley documentary. I believe it's on Netflix. I'm not sure. But watch it. We will be discussing next week. We want to thank again, Matt, for doing a great job. Hope you're enjoying your honeymoon and honeymoon anniversary. Right.

And I guess we'll see you guys next week. Take it each. Go, Nick's in five. All right.