Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 6/21/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: June 21, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz This week on Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike discuss a woman who paid for her World Cup trip by selling foot photos, a self-driving toilet from China, Carlos Mencia's tax arrest, Trump's algae-filled reflecting pool, and a minor league baseball team forfeiting Pride Night. Greg also tells the unbelievable story of a brutal private gig in Reno that was interrupted when a woman started choking in the audience, while Mike finally watches the Jeff Buckley documentary and shares stories about legendary sitcom director James Burrows. Plus: Knicks fever, New York subway rage, robot toilets, White Claws, Father's Day trivia, Tom Dreeson, and the weekly Caption Contest. Sponsors Try Quo free and get 20% off your first six months:https://quo.com/papers Subscribe for more Sunday Papers every week #SundayPapers #GregFitzsimmons #MikeGibbons #CarlosMencia #JeffBuckley #Knicks #ComedyPodcast This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Oh, Greg, I got Mike Technique out the wazoo. Look at me. Oh, look at you. Two microphones. Wait, why do you have two mics? Oh, there you go. This is my travel, Mike. It's a prop.

It was a little physical comedy on a podcast. I think that's underutilized. Nothing better than that. I may fart later. Is that, I guess that's physical comedy, but people see your fart. Is that how bad there? I don't know if my life has gotten bad and sluggish, but sneezing and farting. Brings me so much joy, like a good.

It always has. Isn't that how, I mean, we're going to lose people. The algorithm should clock us. By the way, I wonder if the algorithm cancels us if it hears us say the word algorithm. Probably, right? It's like, oh, they're talking. They did something wrong. But anyway, what I was going to say is, it should kick us off for, isn't that how you got hemorrhoids? Yes. By how much you enjoy farts? Well, I had Gardias. So there was an excess of gas. And I also had. I started taking probiotics, which cured my farting. Oh.

So it's a work in progress. Okay. It cured your farting. Hey, how about that World Cup? Hey, buddy. We were at your house. I thought I solved your internet issues with the TV, the new TV. But we watched USA beat Austin.

Australia, right? Annihilate Australia. I don't know if Annihilate is in the equation. No, but it was a... It was a good game. I mean, it's one of those things where... I'm not into it. No. I'm not. I'm not into...

I mean, that's the thing about when you see crowds cheering for the U.S. soccer team is like, all right, I get it. If you're, when I used to watch my son play soccer when he was 12 and they went from last place one year to three years later winning the league, I was joyously cheering for a very organic reason. But why are these people jumping up and down and pumping their fists about a team they can't name more than two players on? Are you talking about me joining the Nick Spanwagon? Well, yeah. But I mean, they seem genuinely like they are feeling joyful and excited. And is it the love of the country?

Or is it just being in a group of people that's all cheering together and it's contagious? I think it's about race. I think it's about racial superiority. Yes. But for Argentina, it is. They are the biggest snobs on planet Earth. The Argentinians are some of the Japanese. Last week in New York, I heard a great quote, which is, someone said anyway, I've never in this moment.

And it was a particularly bad newsday for Washington. And it might have also been when we learned that Iran is being forced, I believe, to sleep and stay in Mexico because they're not welcome in the United States, the Iranian soccer team. So they were like, I've never felt prouder to be a New Yorker and more embarrassed to be an American. Yeah. Well. And I thought that was interesting. It is weird when you hear people chanting USA because it stands for United States of America. And there is nothing.

This country, other than the Civil War, has never been less united. So what do? Like, as a group. Is this the one thing we can agree on? We can't agree that child molestation files should come to light. We can't agree that we all deserve health coverage, but we can agree that these 11 guys that we don't know should beat other countries in soccer. We can't agree that we wiped out all of Iran's nuclear capability,

as our leader told us a few months ago. We can't agree that we have done a regime change in a country. country when in fact the regime is now more hard right than it was before? Yeah. Never mind going to a country without congressional approval and killing a leader. And school full of little girls. All right. Let's keep it light.

Did you, in fact, this is a three week long story. Did Mike Gibbons finally watch the Jeff Buckley documentary? So I watched, I watched it last night. Oh, congratulations. The ending was fucking. great, was it it? No spoilers. I am almost done, but it was late last night,

and I started to feel I was getting tired. But listen, I did not realize how much, because I really did, I think I'm like five minutes from the end. I did not realize how much footage there was of him, like even of that tour. And then, you know, put it this way. I think I'm close because he is already having tremendous difficult. with the sophomore album.

He's holed up in an apartment and it's not going well and he's exploring now his is it bipolarness or no manic depression. Yeah, he is bipolar and...

Oh no, I don't know about that, but there's definitely manic depression. They played the Hendricks song even. So it's fascinating. This doesn't ruin the ending but he he died. Right. Okay.

All right. Here's something I don't want to ruin. Yeah. If you're in Memphis, if you're in Memphis, Tennessee, and I'm not saying whether he killed himself or not, but don't go to Memphis if you're even ruminating about suicide. Yeah, like, for instance, I always knew he died singing a whole lot of love. I didn't know he met Page Implant and that they engaged. And that plant called him the best new service. are alive. And like, I didn't know any of that stuff. By the way, just for background, if anybody hasn't seen this Jeff Buckley document, I believe it's on Netflix, watch it. And also just sit, oh, take two hits of a joint. It's HBO. Put on some headphones and listen to Grace.

Jeff Buckley's, he's got two albums. The second one is okay. But the first one is kind of a There's amazing singing, though, in this documentary. You just really do hear how, like, I should have a better word, but like church-like, his voices, because it's not a choir. It's like angelic, you know, it's really classical almost. But as they alluded to, I will never get the, I believe it's the Indian singer or Pakistani Danny Singer who he worshipped. And I should know the guy's name.

And then, of course, Joan Oz. Nostrade Ali Khan. Is that who it was? Nassi Fali Khan. I think that's his name. Something like that. And obviously there's Led Zeppelin there. But the other one is, I'll get it now. But all right, go ahead.

Yeah, so listen to the album and watch a documentary. Whatever. What else? I got a big week coming up. coming to New York. If anybody wants to come out and see me do stand-up, I will be at the comedy cellar on Tuesday and Wednesday night. And then I'm going to be, I got a bunch of good podcasts.

I'm doing interviews with Louis C.K. I'm doing one with Joe List. I'm doing it with Mark Norman. And I'm doing one with a guy named Tank Sinatra, who if you've never heard of, he's the best mean guy in the business. He's awesome. Yeah, no. He's really funny and self-deprecating. I like him.

So, and then I'm going out to the Hamptons to my friend's 60th birthday party where I will perform comedy for him and his billionaire friends and family. He's a good friend. He's one of the greatest, one of the greatest guys I know, real character. But it'll be weird being in the Hamptons. I'm not, I'm not a fan of the Hamptons. I don't like when a lot of rich people get together. I like them one-on-one. No, it's very, I tend to feel resentful.

And you spent a lot of time out there because your dad had a house out there. Yeah, we were in the poor Hampton, West Hampton. And it's also the closest, which I did like. But, boy, you go out there in the off-seat. Go in the fall. The Gulfstream is at its closest. The water is beautiful. All the idiots are gone.

Like, technically, the summer shares are over. And, you know, the fall has started in New York. And so you're out there alone. It's so great. No, it's beautiful. So what else? I was just, I remembered, hold on. I remembered the Nix, the buzz, the euphoria, the unbelievable benevolence,

everybody's feeling, hugs from strangers. So I'm riding that so high as I talked about last week. And then I'm trying to take the subway out to JFK. And then the subway connects at one crucial point. And I'm trying, you know, and I have a deadline in making my flight. And these mother and daughter are walking. And they're just chatting with their oversized suitcases dragging behind them. And they're like abreast blocking.

And then they get to the stairs. And I just was like, get out of the way. Like, I just wanted to push them down the stairs. Yes, I wanted to push them down the stairs because I would try to pass them. And it was like they were weaving. It was like a hidden camera show against me. And all my patience, I'm like, everyone's an idiot. So it was back to normal.

Well, I guess is French a race? That's what they were, those bastards. I can't believe. another quick on New York story. Doesn't that take like two hours? No, it's no, it's way faster. Really? Way faster.

It's great. All right, I'm going to try it on this next trip. 44 minutes, something? Oh, and from LaGuardia, it's even, obviously, it's faster. It's great. So anyway, the, like when I, yeah, I got in time, I landed. I had to get to the first Knicks game when I landed on Monday night or whatever that was. All right, so quick, quick New York story that's not about the next.

I think it was Neil Brennan was like, I think at one point I'll probably slaughter this, but Neil Brennan, I think, said the average black guy in the street in New York is funnier than any white stand-up comedian who's just starting, something like that. And so anyway, I'm walking across the street in Brooklyn near the Barclays Center. And we're walking across and we're coming up to a corner. We're in the middle of the street. We're coming up to a corner. And there's a guy there screaming.

He has a Bluetooth speaker on his chest, and he's screaming in a microphone, religious stuff. And we're getting closer. And all of a sudden, the booming voice is like, and he's like, being saved is not as complicated as you think. On one level, and the black guy goes, it's already complicated. And he just keeps walking? Is this a passing comment? We, I'm going to put, I'm like, we're walking like next to it. We did not break stride.

and he saw me die laughing, which I wanted the religious guy to see. But it was so quick and put the religious guy, like, stopped him. He didn't even, like, he didn't finish that sentence. I think he waited to where he passed them. But it was so perfect. On one level, it's already complicated. It was great. So I went from.

And I told you last time, oh, sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead. Last time, the quick one, but I told this a couple of years ago, I'm crossing the street. Again, with this black guy, I'm crossing the street. And this guy, we kind of were late on it. And the guy started honking because we were right in front of his car. So I immediately pick up, you know, I do the trot, you know, like, oh, sorry, I do the trot. The black guy stops and just faces the car and goes, easy.

You're in a Mazda. It was so great. Dude, if you ever seen... I mean that guy. Have you ever seen the guy? I think he's Latino. And he's in Brooklyn. And he stands there on the sidewalk.

And as people walk by, he goes, don't disrespect me with the, with the U2 haircut from 1987. You ever see that guy? And he fucking roast people. He's got this thick New York accent And almost everybody laughs Once in a while people yell at him But he's huge So nobody fucks with him

And I'm all right I'm gonna I gotta list his handle next time Because it's one of the funniest things on the internet All right You hear And it ends with you hear Don't disrespect me with the With the twin jackets

That look like Woody Allen and blah blah blah You hear? Check them out. All right. So I leave New York. You and I were in New York together at the Knicks with the one that fucking Trump sabotaged and the one game we lost. And then I flew to Reno and I did a private show for a group of people that are into game, hunting it and eating it. And so I walk into this Reno ballroom at this giant casino in Reno.

And it's huge. And there's a stage set up and there is table set up, but it only occupies about a third of the space, which if you're, you want to talk about the dynamics of standup comedy, the smaller the room, the more packed together people are, the better. This is the exact opposite. There are stuffed grizzly bears on the perimeter. There are lions. There's all these different. And there's a buffet that's got wrap. It's got rattlesnake meatballs. These people are crazy. And they're all kind of older. And it's like a lot of women with pearls. And everybody looks like they got bust in from the Midwest. And I'm told to be clean. And I'm watching.

And there's a band on ahead of me. And they're like a casino band. They're like a wedding band. And they play covers. And you know, they're playing like Earth went in fire. And do you remember? and like songs that you go like all right everybody should be on their feet right now you know you're at a fucking convention they're not even tapping their toes it is dead in there and so they're like all right you're on in 10 minutes so I'm trying to put some jokes together I've been working on the set the whole flight out there and I walk on stage and I go uh just saw the buffet it's good to be here at ground zero of the new pandemic I said this is like Wuhan in here And like nothing.

I got like five minutes on this meat thing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And so I'm dying. And all I'm thinking, I got to do an hour. And I got to stay clean. And I mean, it's fucking torture. And so then all of a sudden this guy comes running up to the stage. And he goes, a woman is down.

We need a doctor. And I look to my right. And there's a woman in a red dress face down on the ground. And I'm literally the guy. Yeah. Oh yeah, no, no, she was. She was joking. And so I'm...

Choking on possums in a blanket. Yeah. Who knew there were bones in possums. And so now I'm the guy that gets to say, is there a doctor in the house? I literally said, is there a doctor in the house? And somebody jumped up and they ran over. And then I said, well, this looks like a tough situation. I think we're in good hands.

Let's all sit tight. I'm going to take a minute here and let the situation resolve itself. And then I walked off that stage. Dude, it felt like I was getting out of a cold plunge. The relief, every fiber of my body when I stepped off that stage after two minutes was so thankful. And so it goes on for like 10 minutes. They're working on it. There's a crowd of people.

And then the guy comes over and he goes, all right, let's get you back on stage. I'm like, what? I said, she's still being worked on. Everybody's looking at her. And I go, I think we should wait until this situation. And he's like, okay, we'll wait longer. So 20 minutes goes by, 25 minutes ago. And the whole time, I'm just like wrapping my head around this.

And they told me that the room had a heart out at 9 o'clock. And now it's like 9. It's like 840. And I'm like, oh, I get fucking mailed this in with 20 minutes. And then he comes over and he goes, good news and good news. She's doing better. And they extended our close time in the room. You can do the full hour.

So I walk back on stage and I go, whatever you do, people, don't eat the rattlesnake meatballs. And I did some jokes about what just happened, but I mostly did like the feel good emcee thing of like, how about a hand for everybody that helped out? How about, and the woman walks back to her seat and is now watching the show. Eating. Yeah. Eating.

So I'm talking to her. and then the Human Resources woman is drunk and she's in the front row. Anyway, I saved it. I saved it. I had actually a very good set. And I walked out of there feeling like, all right, after 35 years, I kind of know what I'm doing. It's like, how can you get an even debtor reaction out of this crowd? Just to ask, is there a doctor in the house?

Silence. How about this? Has anyone in the house been? to a doctor. Exactly. Yeah. Wait, Greg, I want to interrupt because I'm talking over you more than usual because you're not, I'm delayed to you, I think.

Oh. Is anything open on your laptop? Like Chrome or Safari at the same time? Do one of those checks. All right. Let me do a check. I'm going to quit that. I'm going to quit that.

Yeah. I'm going to quit Spotify. Oh, come. Here you go. You're already clearer. Really? Oh, and you just got louder. I'm not kidding.

Okay, good. Oh, all right. It's a totally different broadcast now. Woo! Look at us. Now that everybody's tuned out during my story. All right. Are we done with what's canceling Microsoft, bro?

So there was this deal online. What's that website that always gives you good technology info? Well, they are all Asian, so they probably know a little bit about tech. A lot of tech guys are on that website. I think I can very truthfully say that. Yeah. All right. Well, whatever it's called.

CNET? CNET. No, not CNET. Maybe mashable or something. All right. Okay. So anyway, I get a tip that you can buy. You know how Microsoft now works where you pay an annual fee of $150.

Did you know that? I hate Microsoft. All right. So go ahead. So I'm so pissed off I got to pay that. And then I see this ad on this, whatever it is, seen it, that you can buy Microsoft Word. Now, it's only good for the life of the computer that you're on,

but it's $39 for as long as that computer. Like, you can't, you know, with Microsoft you can transfer. So I buy it. And then I go to my Microsoft account to cancel it. Good luck. I commend anybody. that can work through a Microsoft, they make it impossible. I spent like an hour and a half.

I was using chat GPT to help me. Could not cancel Microsoft subscription. Oh, man. Yeah, I had a meeting recently, and I didn't see till like five minutes or less before the meeting. I thought it was a Zoom. And all of a sudden I see, I'm like, wait, what is this link? Oh, it's Microsoft Groups, which I had never heard of.

And I'm like, okay, so you go on. You're like, oh, you're Microsoft subscription. I won't even, the most frustrating labyrinth of things. Of course, I was five minutes late. I'm texting them. I am so sorry. I did not know this is Microsoft groups. Apparently they phased out Microsoft groups or the one I have, blah, blah, blah.

And they were like, this, don't you, don't worry. This happens to everyone we have a meeting with. But their company forces them to use Microsoft. groups. Yep, I've been in the same situation. Microsoft groups sucks. Yeah, I don't even like Google, whatever theirs is. And Bill Gates was on Epstein's Island. So if you need more reasons to cancel. All right, before we get the show started, I have one. You talked about a spoiler alert with Jeff Buckley. I'm not going to say a lot about this. It's the number one show on Netflix. So this is probably old news, but it's been out about a week. Tommy Hitzcliffe special. Yes. And lots to spoil there, actually. And anyway, it's called Maternal Instinct.

It's 90-minute documentary. It's not a series. It's a one-off documentary. And just don't, I can tell you, it's on Netflix. So you don't have to Google it to see where it's playing. You shouldn't see any spoilers. Just watch this documentary called Maternal Instinct. And we can't wait.

And we can talk about it next week. So it's not a series. It's just one episode. That's it. I'm actually thinking of having you and Aaron, we can watch it in the car ride out to Palm Springs. That's right. We're going tonight.

We played golf this morning. And then you came over for soccer. And now we're going to drive to Palm Springs tonight with Aaron, which is about two hours away. And then tomorrow we're going to sit at a pool where it is exactly 100 degrees right now. and then we're going to go see Bob Dylan and Lucinda Williams perform at a near-empty stadium in Palm Springs. I hope the stage has a ramp for both of them. I hope they have an EMT squad for both of them.

But I saw Lucinda Williams recently in a poor thing. She can't play guitar anymore, but oh, man, her voice is still great. She's one of my favorites. Oh, my God. She's literally the reason why I started listening to country music, even though she's technically alt-country, she was the gateway for me to start listening to other country musicians. She's incredible, man.

Yeah. All righty, what do we got? All right, our logo this week is from Jane S, who is a superstar for the show. Oh, thank you, Jane. Always given us great stuff. It is the breakfast, power breakfast. I love how she depicts you usually.

I know. Why am I always a woman? The song is from B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Tzel. B. Bixel sent me some songs. He says he had sent them before and somehow I did hear them. That reggae song was great. So great. And the first person mentioned in the song is Gubbins. Yes. Well, that's how you know he wrote it a long time ago. All right, yeah. All right. Corrections. We got a slew. So hi, Grids is from Jane. Hi, Greg. F.I.

today's this day in history occurred on March 1st. I know someone born March 1st who shares Beaver's birthday. The other listed items also show as March 1st. Don't miss, yeah, don't misunderstand.

I'm glad Mike didn't recognize this June 14th in history that forced upon us birth of America's orange-faced atrocity. Good call, Mike. What do you, you read March 1st this day in history? What's that all about? Maybe it's like in my browser history. So let me look at this.

I'm looking at this day in history now. Oh no, that's the right date. Okay. All right. So I don't know what happened. All right. Very strange. Then we got... Still worked. This is from Dan. Big fan.

I just wanted to submit a correction in regards to your latest podcast with Bobby Kelly. All right, this is my other podcast, but I'm still going to read it. Irish people were never slaves. Some were indentured laborers. This gets mentioned a lot, not just by you, but making this claim is not only inaccurate, but minimizes the enormity of slavery. I don't want to sound like a Karen, but every time I hear

this, it bothers me. Thanks for all the laughs, a loyal listener, Dan. Dan does not listen. That's a pretty big distinction. I like that. Yeah, that is a good distinction. Sly one. Well, I'll say one thing. The Irish are not slaves to fashion. They're just, are they just indentured to bad fashion? Yeah, they are, all right, let's get back to it. Let me pull up my script here. I lost my script. All right, then we're going to get to more corrections.

Dan and Nick said, you played a song my brother and I made this week. You referred to us as father and son. In the past, with one of our earlier songs, I think you referred to us as a couple. We are brothers, not father and son and not gay lovers. Thanks, Dan and Nick from London and Atlanta. We're all brothers, bro. I don't know. That note sounds pretty gay.

So father and son gay. But thank you guys. They really make good songs, too. I hope they get together more. I think that Dan visits Nick in Atlanta. and then they make songs when he's there. So maybe at some point we're going to buy you of, I use my frequent flyer miles and fly you to Atlanta.

Delta, maybe. Hold on it, Dan. And then we got one from Fletcher, Alexin, who says, I live in Brooklyn and have for 12 years, originally from Minneapolis. My friend who is from Pleasantville, New York, says that no one says take it each. He says they say take it east.

Oh, yeah. Let's take our urban lingo from a guy in Pleasantville. Yeah. The tough streets of Pleasantville. Yeah. Ishi for you to say, buddy. Yeah. Why don't you take it, eish?

We're going with Eish. And then this one came from a guy named Matt Peters, who said, Greg, you keep sending me stuff to me. Last week it was some loser complaining about YouTube music. This week you shared the show notes with me. Though it was tempting to fuck with them, I decided I better not. Which he could have because it's a Google Doc and he could have logged in. I'm not your producer.

I'm another Matt Peters. Just a fan who sent in some bad caption ideas. You must have typed in Matt Peters in the email and picked up the wrong guy. Oh, that's great. Yeah. So I got, and the worst thing is I send a lot of dickpicks to producer Matt Peters. Of course. Of course. Boy, he's begging for

them. Like we have to hit a quota every week. Well, eventually when I get to know him better, it's going to be feet picks as well. We're going to get to feet picks. It's one of our stories. Oh, good teaser. I also want to tease some dates. Just announced Oxnard Elevity Live, July 11th. Huntington Beach at Mamba,

July 12th. Pittsburgh Improv just announced I will be there, 24th and 25th, then Cincinnati, Columbus, Vancouver. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets come out and say hello. Also shout out to Matt Peters and the fine folks at Gotham Production Studios who do an amazing job. Thank you. And we also want to thank Quo for sponsoring the show, spelled QUO.

You know what drives me crazy? You know what tries to be crazy, Mike? When you call a business and nobody does it. knows what's going on. You talk to one person. You get sent to another person. They don't know what the first person said. And suddenly it's like you've entered witness protection. You know, you call and you're trying to tell this organization. I think you did the reflecting pool too quickly. And you also did a no bid contract, which is unprecedented. And I think you should have gotten bids and vetted the companies. And, oh, it's a friend of yours. Oh, okay. So you could

trust him, right? Oh, is the is the pain already chipping? And all these. calls come in with people telling you that you're obviously doing it wrong, but you lose track of all the calls. Yeah, and all the other bids. Like, there were multiple bids, but they only, I guess, got one. So anyway, nobody can find the message. And I deal with this all the time, like, you know, trying to call contractors or customer service. And it's like, you just want a simple question answered. And that's why Quo exists. Quo lets your entire team handle calls in Texas. from one shared business number. Everybody sees the same conversation history. Everybody knows what's been said,

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or you've got a growing team. Quo works right from your phone or computer. You can keep your existing number. Add teammates in minutes and connect it to the tools you're already using. More than 90,000 businesses trust Quo and it's the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 views. Look, money's on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo. dot com slash papers that's q you oh dot com slash papers can i get a crinkle here we go time for the front page uh that's a bag someone like the crinkle last week uh it was a bagel bag in new york okay well the bagel bags are better in new york than l a la la has very bad bagel bags that's been

well established um okay front page most people assume you need years of saving to attend the FIFA World Cup, but one woman found another way. A few months before the 2026 FIFA World Cup, she started posting content on FeetFinder. No influencer following, no professional photography, no expensive equipment, just a FeetFinder account, a smartphone, and a consistent uploads. Her first month on FeetFinder brought her $2,000. Then she kept going. By month she had earned more than $12,000. Whoa. Enough to cover World Cup tickets for her and her husband and to make the experience a reality.

And so they have picture on the account where they are Argentina fans and her nails are all colored, painted in the Argentinian colors. I mean, this, honestly, this is kind of heartwarming. And then the beers, I guess, at the stadium were $22. So she blew the concession guy. She found a way. She is somebody who is not afraid to use her feminine wiles for her husband's gain. I saw one of the comments under this story was that the account should be called FIFA, which I thought was nice. That's a good word play.

I guess she wore flip-flops of the game and she got recognized by a guy in the seat next to them. The most popular girlfriend who's rooting for Norway, she sold picks. And the key was she has a hammer toe. Why, Norwegian women have hammer toes? Well, I think it's the isn't Thor nor is it like the hammer of the gods. That would be a great superhero. A woman, a Norwegian woman with a hammertel. Yeah.

Hammer of the gods. Let's get to Trump's. Trump's reflecting pool makeover has become an algae abyss. An analysis of satellite data by the Washington Post shows, and the Washington Post, keep in mind, is run by his good buddy, that the pool has more algae this June than in the previous five years. June is naturally a tough month for algae since the single cell organisms thrive in warm weather. But the pool is having its worst June, despite Trump's promise to paint its basis so that it looks American flag blue for America's. 250th anniversary this 4th of July.

USA! The pool looks pretty gross at the moment, even as the workers pour nowhere near enough bleach in the 6.75 million gallon feature to kill the algae. But now it looks also like the paint isn't holding up either. Multiple videos show what looks like blue paint peeling in the heat. If the president was hoping for a beautiful White House at National Mall for the 250th celebration, the clock is ticking. The big pool is green and the east wing of the White House, home to the future ballroom,

maybe, is a construction site. And while the claw structure from the UFC event is being dismantled this week, the White House South Lawn is still torn up. It will take at least $700,000 to re-sod the lawn. Hmm. Yeah. Well, it's supposed to be blue. Like the American flag.

And here's the big irony. It is green like the Iranian flag. Oh, no. Yeah. The National Park Service awarded the $1.7 million contract to what has turned out to be an ironically named Greenwater Services. And they bypass the competitive bidding process, normally required by federal work. The New York Times report of the company is led by Republican donor and Mar-a-Lago neighbor, John Kaffaro.

whom Trump once called a fantastic man. Well, look, it's a, you know, the good news is it's a no-bid job he actually didn't give to Jared Kushner. So this is, you know, some progress. What is the likelihood of this reverse-mighted touch being seemingly undefeated? Like, we're not even going to talk about the Iran deal, which is the lead story this week. But he goes to one Nick game and messes it all up for everybody and the Knicks. It's the only game they lost in over a month. Yeah.

And the only one they lost against San Antonio. You're right. And then like the war, just every, every, the, the pool, everything he's doing is just ridiculous and backfiring massively. Yeah, but at least if you have a problem with it, you can get on your Trump phone and call into the White House. Oh, wait, no, those never went out after a year. Oh, China has. unveiled a self-driving robot toilet that rolls up to your bed. This is the words they use, handles the job, and then returns to its dock to clean itself. It's kind of like a Roomba running

right up your Rumpa. Unlike a standard smart toilet, this Ziaban, I think it's called, is designed to move around a home on its own. Users can reportedly summon it with a remote or voice command. Shit time. Allowing the robot to drive itself to their bedside. I think you summon it by farting. If it's a low, rumbly fart, there's something in the chamber.

It knows. Don't push it though, Greg. You're going to need another intervention with the roids. The devices aimed at elderly users and people with reduced mobility giving them a way to use the bathroom without needing to walk to a toilet or rely as heavily on

caregivers. However, folks online, I've already started joking that extreme gamers will also make use of the toilet. Of course. Yes. You can't do the Super Bowl? There's going to be 12 of those in a guy's living room

during the Super Bowl. There's so many. Yeah. Go ahead. I mean, it's not going to last because AI is smart enough to eventually figure out that every time it gets summit, it's going to get shit on. Well, I did read more about this story,

And it turns out the robots that you shit on in China and you just set your beck and call, they're called Uyghurs. Those are the Turkic-speaking Muslim minority that is completely abused in China. Abused, they are incarcerated. Like literally, it is ethnic cleansing. They are taking all the Muslims. And these are go-back generations. These are Chinese, you know, citizens. I'm shocked China is not using them as toilets.

little toilets that run around your house. They use them as workers. They put them in these fucking work farms, these concentration camps. It's unbelievable. I know. Millions of them. Literally.

Fitzfack me. Over a million people are in concentration camps. Yes. I know they're in the northwest of China. Right. I don't know that their region's called, but I doubt it's called a legal. The family and friends of the VIII of the VIII.

victims of the Titan sub-ex implosion, I guess it's an implosion, have finally learned what led their loved ones to die after some saw the remains returned as, quote, slush in shoeboxes. Jesus. Oh. Three years ago, a team of five people died in the Ocean Gate submersible as it headed down below the surface to study the wreckage of the Titanic. Around 90 minutes into the journey, the vessel imploded and killed everyone on board. with an investigation now finally ruling exactly what caused it,

following years of allegations and worrying findings, which included the Ocean Gate CEO Stockton Rush firing a pilot for raising safety concerns. Yeah, I saw that documentary. I think they found out that they ruled that it was God. Oh. Yeah, he saw a sub of billionaires. He was the same God who made Luigi kill that drug CEO. and who made Wemby pass the ball into Castle's back, costing the Spurs game four.

All the same God. Well, they also analyzed the slush in the shoeboxes and found low intelligence was one of the factors that caused. Wait, are you saying? Not only the disaster, but it caused passengers. It caused them to be there. So you're saying climbing into like a 1950s-looking Star Trek sub with extension cords on it was a bad idea? I don't know. Going down to the Titanic, you know, listen, even Cameron, James Cameron, he went down there in the most high-tech sub and all that.

We would all be judging him the same way if his imploded. Like, in other words, what are you doing going to the bottom of the ocean at that depth? Yeah. When it can go unmanned. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. I think you're risking a lot. Same with going to space.

Like, I don't know why those gals didn't explode when they went to space in their rocket for all of nine minutes or whatever it was. Would you rather implode or explode? I don't and my uneducated guess is I'd rather explode I feel like pressure I don't know I think I'd rather explode there's a chance you'd get shot out and land like I remember watching there's a chance you'd get shot out Yeah, like I remember watching the old like coyote and the Roadrunner and sometimes the Acme capsule that the Roadrunner was in would fall off a canyon and before it hit the ground it would explode and he would get shot up providing him a graceful landing on the ground. I see. Sorry for a minute I didn't think you knew what you were talking about. Okay, good. I don't know, but it's like the we've all felt. pressure inside. Both are extremely painful.

And man, I guess for a slight millisecond, you would feel it on your ear drums either way. And then it's so fast, especially at that depth, and if you're in space. I think it happens so instantly. And if you're on camera, at least with an explosion, there's a sort of a celebration of your life. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's a fair point. White House staff began monitoring President Trump's trash because he was throwing out high-end silverware. The president's alleged snacking habit also meant staff had to monitor his bedroom mess, which included food wrappers being left on the floor.

Trump's alleged living arrangements were revealed in the upcoming book regime change inside the imperial presidency of Donald Trump. Quote, the president would frequently leave an array of empty potato. chip bags, Starbucks wrappers, and ice cream cartons in the trash, or on the floor. The staff began monitoring the trash after it was discovered. He was sometimes throwing out White House sterling silver utensils. He's not on the keto diet. He's on the Frito diet. Is that what it is?

No, actually, he's on the Pito diet. How do you eat a Big Mac with silverware? I know. That's what I'm wondering. He's like the guy that eats pizza with a knife and fork. He's, and by the way, those are disposable for him. He's, he's, you know, he's the monopoly rich man. That's what he is.

What a diet. He must fuck the shit out of Melania. He probably has a single-use toilet also. Throw that out. Throw that out. I peed in it. It's disgusting. I peed in it this morning.

Throw it out, replace it. Yeah. All right. It's time to get ethical. Here we go. We got... We're going to do the ethical question. That is a strong crinkle.

All right. I like this one for you. You ready? Okay. Let's do it. My nephew's comedy routine skewers his grandma. Should the adults be laughing? And then the subtitle.

My brother even shared a video of the bit in the family group chat. I can click on it and see what you. what they say, but you start answering. All right, I'll answer it, and then we'll circle back, and you can talk about your stepbrother, Jeff. I think that I think you should always talk your kid out of doing stand-up comedy for a living, so I would not encourage him. If one of my kids started doing stand-up, I would pay people to go and heckle them to get them

to quit the business. It's not a life, even in success. It's not a life anybody should aspire to live. Oh, man, this is the worst article ever. It doesn't give the example. It just said that he exaggerated her into a foolish caricature. And that's it. He borrowed some real traits.

So I thought it was going to be like something a little juicier than that. Now, get that kid out of the business. Yeah, I know. Do him a favor. Do his wife a favor? Do his kids a favor. So wait, why would I be talking about Jeff? Well, because your stepmom was incredibly encouraging of Jeff's career.

And I think single-handedly kept it going longer than it might have gone. Yeah, Jeff had, you know, they're called bringers, right? Where you can't do stand up in a club unless you bring 10 people who are going to pay the cover and buy drinks and stuff like that. So they're called bringers. So Jeff had worn out his welcome with every soul he knew. So his mom would make and force friends to come see her stepbrother. So this is an elitist crowd of generally waspy, pretty uptight, upper east side rich white people who would come.

And Jeff's just talking about cunts the whole time. And about her. He would shit on her. Yes. And like, you know what? Oh, and masturbation. Most of his material was about masturbation. And like literally like you do with your left hand so it feels like a stranger.

Like, you know, all those probably so much of it on original, but he would be doing all of this masturbation humor. And she would laugh at all of it and smile. She loved it. Yeah. She were credit. It was very supportive. God bless her. Jeff was really funny about it.

Jeff, Jeff goes, can I tell you, so mom, first of all, even in his 40s, and still, hey,

he's like, so mommy brought her friends to my stand-up last night. He calls her mommy, which, which, which makes my two daughters, it's the hardest

I've ever seen my two daughters laugh in their life. It's hilarious. So, so mommy, mommy brought her friends. And so one of mommy's, friends comes up to me after this show and he goes is this not the worst compliment and he does a

quote sign like compliment you've ever heard all they say to me they've watched me do 15 minutes of stand-up comedy and they come up and they're like you are so brave like it was a dare yeah yeah like how do you like that that to us it seemed like you were like wrestling an alligator or snake, something so dangerous and you barely, you kind of didn't pull it off. Yeah. Like you're really hurt, but you're not dead. Right. He's

solving crime and he's getting hurt in the process. Speaking of struggling comedians. Oh, yeah? Did you have something else to say about Jeff? I was going to read another ethical question. Oh, please. Okay.

Let's see here. All right, let's do this one. My tween daughter's friend is a mean girl. Should I tell her mother? We know people, or maybe even you guys have had experience with this. We, we did in a really early. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No shit. I mean, I would have said she wasn't a tween though. It was younger. And I think that makes it easier to tell. Yeah, because they're less formed. I just, I think that the odds that that girl's mother is not going to be a mean woman. That's what happened.

Right. That's why I wouldn't do it. That's what happened. I think we literally even got back like, well, maybe you should ask your daughter what she did. Like, it was like, what? Yeah. Like, we've, we're kind of a representative of other kids' parents in the class right now bringing this up to you. Well, my daughter was not a mean girl.

She's a very nice girl, but she was also a very crazy girl. And she got together with two of her friends. And I don't know how she got it. I think she ordered it through the mail and it got past us. And she tattooed her two friends. Did I ever tell you this? What does tattoo mean? Tattooed.

Got a tattoo pen and put a permanent tattoo on two of her friends when they were about 12. I had no idea. And you're lucky your daughter was not hanging out with Jojo that day. And the parents got very upset with us. Oh, I'd say. Did they force Jojo to add stuff to the swastika so it wasn't as obvious? Yeah, she made a box out of it, four square box out of it.

Oh, my God. Dude, that's crazy. Wait, maybe it was you guys we talked to, and it was Aaron who shot back that Sophie deserved the tattoo. Oh, my God. All right, let's get to entertainment. Here we go. Okay. You found this story.

All right, even though he's close to your heart, comedian Carlos Menci who was taken into custody earlier this week on a dozen felony charges for failing to report or pay taxes on more than $8 million in earning. Wow. The DA says that the arrest happened. He referred to the charges against the 58-year-old as one of California's biggest tax scoff laws. He owes more than $300,000 in state taxes. But that doesn't include federal taxes. So he was arrested at his home, $250,000 bail, six, felony counts.

And if convicted, he could face a maximum sentence of more than 11 years behind bars. He would also be required to pay the full tax bills, including interest that could nearly double the total amount. That's a lot of fucking headshots to sell after the show, Carlos. Well, once again, he's stealing great comedians material. Richard Pryor did this. Richard Pryor. it turns out

was spent, I don't remember this, 10 days in jail in 1974 for failing to file his tax returns. Mency has also stolen this material from Chris Tucker who was owed, he owed 12 million in back taxes. He eventually reached a settlement

with the IRS. So here he is again, stealing the moves of better comedians. Now, full disclosure, Mike, you were the head writer on his Comedy Central show and did you get any sense at that time that he was a scofflaw, attack scofflaw?

No, I mean, I know he didn't love the government, but no, and I was one of the showrunners on the last season. This is not on my resume of the Mindemansia. I was kind of brought in as part of an effort to save the show, which was a huge hit in like especially season two and three maybe. And then four was very problematic, I guess. And I had never watched it. And then, anyway, mission very unaccomplished. And, but he did love talking about money a lot and was killing it. And this was probably 2000.

I mean, you could look it up. I don't know when that season was seven or eight maybe. And, or six or seven. and he viewed his Comedy Central show. He didn't care even that it wasn't doing well. He viewed it as, this I'm quoting him, as an infomercial for his tour dates, meaning it was a half-hour commercial that was on Comedy Central that raised awareness of his brand, his name, and all of that.

And people would go, he'd sell out stadiums. He was selling out 15,000-seat arenas regularly. And now, I'm not making this up. I will be playing a club in Wichita, Kansas, and his picture will be up on the wall coming next week. Well, not if he's in custody. Right. All right, we're going to make America, Florida.

Here we go. I don't have the picture here, but I don't know if they just made it based on the description, but it was pretty great. Florida man found with 34 open white cloths. cans on passenger seat during traffic stop. I don't even know if I have to read anymore. That's like just so perfectly Florida. Yeah.

White Claw is malt liquor. That's what I would try to explain to my girls. They have no idea what malt liquor is. So they're like, that sounds kind of fun. That vehicle, a Honda Civic, was traveling in more than 90 miles an hour when it passed the trooper. A Civic going 90. Do you know how much noise those empty white claw cans?

must have been making. The trooper was able to perform a traffic stop and said the driver was heavily intoxicated. In addition, 34 of the white clock hands were found on the passenger seat of his vehicle. The driver was identified as Connor William Parody, 34 years old. Because by the way, he is a parody of a Florida man. Now, it said he's 34 from San Antonio. Now, there's a very good chance Florida has a San Antonio, but I would love it if he was washing down all the sorrow he was feeling from Wembe and the other San Antonio Spurs.

Right. But he was arrested in charge with DUI. He was brought to the jail with a blood alcohol level of 0.117. That's pretty low for 34 White Claws. I don't know. They go right through you. But that's, well, the good thing is is a lot. That's a lot.

That's, I mean, is white claw, when you say it's like malt liquor, is it a stronger alcohol level than a regular beer or drink? I think it's a round of beer and less than a wine. Well, he's going to be able to pay his lawyer's fees from the endorsement money that he gets from White Claw and Honda because he got a civic to go 90 miles per hour. Yeah, safely. Honda's like, we like this story. Yeah.

So it's such a like a steady, reliable drive that even this guy can do it. Okay, we're going to make America, Kentucky again. There's another one where I don't really need to read beyond the headline. 27-year-old Brooke McDaniel was taken into custody after being accused of giving a toddler a tattoo. This is a little close to home for you, Greg. Yeah. Authorities responded to a residence in Columbia, Kentucky on Monday after receiving a child abuse complaint. Upon arriving at the scene, law enforcement encounter McDaniel and asked if she had given a 22-month-old a tattoo on their arm.

All right. In his defense, he heard the law was that you had to be 21. He didn't know that was years. Well, I think it's a woman. Oh, is a woman? I don't know. Is Brooke a woman? Yeah, I guess it is.

I don't know. Again, if you're hiring a male baby. It may go worse than this, generally, I'm thinking. Right, right. The last thing I do is hire a male babysitter. Yeah, then she'll end up to give her herself tattoos when she gets older. It would be, I want to know what the tattoo is. That's the thing.

And I searched. It did not show. Apparently, her excuse was, I didn't put this in there, the toddler's arm got in the way. It's like, how far away is the needle for? away is the needle from your arm that a toddler is slipping their arm in between it and your arm. Yeah, well, it's probably the least dangerous needle that could have gone into that kid's arm. Right, that's the other thing.

Yeah. All right, let's get to sports. Here's sports. All right. Minor League Baseball's York Revolution in Pennsylvania declined to play its Pride Night game Thursday after players refused to wear uniforms that featured a rainbow design. The Revolution's game against the Blue Crabbs

was to have marked the team's 11th annual Pride night, and it will go down as a forfeit. The GM said that fewer than nine players on the 28-man roster, the minimum needed to fill out a lineup card were willing to play in Thursday night's uniforms. Baseball's gay. That's literally what you have written here. Yeah.

Say it ain't so, Joe. Did you tag the bag? I guess nine men weren't out, right? In their defense, they were told, the gay pride thing, they took, they went a little hard with it, I think, because in their defense, they were told the batter had to face the catcher while he's squatting. Oh. Yeah, they said.

the dugouts would have strobe lights and instead of cups you had to wear a cock ring and you have to tag the guy on his cock and the umpire would have to fuck the catcher in the ass. Like there was a lot of this fine print about gay pride night. How many did it? Did it say? Oh, fewer than nine. Yeah. That's the perfect joke.

Eight men out. There were only eight men out. By the way, speaking of gay, have you seen the Houston Astros uniform? like the straight guys on the Astros what they were. Look at the picture. I put it underneath. It's great. Yeah.

It's so 70s and horrible. It's like tangerine going into Sherbert, going into cherry. And it's all horizontal stripes. Yeah. Across their bellies. Baseball, especially of that era, and golf of that era would be the two worst sports to put horizontal stripes around the mid-second. of those quote athletes.

Well, it's not slimming, honey. It is not slimming. That's our effeminate voices. Not another way to describe those voices. It is not slimming. All right, where are we going? We're going to this day in history. Yeah, we are.

Here we go. Hold on. Oh, crinkle. All right, this day in history. I got the right day, man. Okay. Although it's Saturday today. So the Cleveland Cavaliers, led by star LeBron James,

defeated the Golden State Warriors in a thrilling Game 7 to claim the franchise's first NBA title. They're not giving me the goddamn year. I'm going to guess. Wait, wait. He went from, Cleveland down to Miami, won a championship down there, then came back to Cleveland to get them a trophy. He did, and then came to the Lakers.

So he came to the Lakers, I'm guessing, seven years ago. This stupid fucking, they keep changing the format of this. They haven't. So here we go. I'm going to put in here. So, all right, go ahead. You guess your year. I'm looking up.

Give me a range. Yeah, I know. Okay, three years. I'm going to say 2019, the year before the, what they call it, the bubble that they played in. Oh, my God, I gave you three years. Yeah. It was 2016. Nice.

There we go, baby. You, you, the joy you feel on being as far away as possible from accurate. What? Three years is in tight range. Tight range. All right. I'm going to give you, I'm going to be generous on this. I'm going to give you three years.

Okay. American actor, James Gandalfini, stide of a heart attack while vacationing in Rome. What, give or take, what I say, three years? That's tight. What do you mean tight? This is Gandalfini. Gandalfini, let's see, he made a movie.

All right, three years. I'm going to say it was in the seven to eight years ago. I'm going to say eight more like. So let's say 2018. Right. That's what I thought. So you missed it. It's 2013.

I cannot believe it's over 10 years ago. No shit. Damn. That's the fastest 13 years ever. Yeah. Do you see his son did the movie? The Sopranos movie? Hold on.

13 years. So we are the same distance from his death as we are to when the Sopranos premiered. I just did the math. Oh, wow. Well, almost. Sopranos premiered in 1999. Okay. That's inconceivable to me.

Yeah, I know. His whole life as we knew him, assuming you did not know about him until you saw him in the Sopranos, which was, I know he was another. things, but that's the first time I saw him. So his whole existence in my world, my awareness of him, is the same distance from when he died to from when he died to now. That's crazy. Think about the Sopranos how a cultural shift in TV with Sopranos, how important that

show was, how incredible the characters were. and then you think about who had a career after that series. Edie Falco is the only one who ever worked again. Like significantly worked again. Oh, yeah, like with another big award-winning role and stuff. Yeah, I mean, Gandalfini did like a couple movies that were awful. None of the kids' careers took off. All the other Italian guys, yeah, they did a bit part since Corsese movies after that.

Okay, the first Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington on this day, or Sunday, I guess. Yeah, in this date, though, in what year, give or take 20 years. Feels like a Hallmark holiday. Hallmark probably came out in the teens. So I'll say 1918. Look at you, kid. 1910. Nice.

When do you think the first Mother's Day was? That's what I'm looking up right now. Oh, that had to be first. I would say... Oh, hold on, hold on. Hold on. I'm going to give you a range, even though it's not on this date. Oh, boy.

Oh, God, it's telling me, like, the advice on your first Mother's Day. No, ever, you fuck. First Mother's Day. It's your first Mother's Day. Here's what you should do. Shut up. Oh, my God. It keeps telling me about breakfast in bed.

How about in history? All right, go ahead. What's the year? I'm going to say, well, if Father's Day was 19, what did you say, 18, 18? I'm going to say Mother's Day. 1910. So Mother's Day happened before it, obviously. They saw it was a hit, so they wanted to follow it up.

So I would say 1906. Dude, such good logic, 1908. Yep. There we go. Okay, let's see here. We got Lou Gehrig. I don't think you're going to do well on that. We're going down to, yeah.

Would you have a guess on when Howland Wolf was born? Howland Wolf? Sure. Give her take 10 years. All right, Alan Wolf, big blues guy. He did play with the Stones at one point, so he must have been alive in the 70s or late 60s. So he would have been, I'm going to say. he was born in 1900.

I gave you 10 years. 1910. Unbelievable. Unbelievable right on the perimeter of every range. I don't know. Did he play with the stones? I know.

Muddy Waters, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a buddy guy too. Yeah. Lizzie Borden is acquitted of murder on this day in what year. This is the massive.

The Massachusetts jury acquitted Lizzie Borden of murder. She was accused of killing her 70-year-old father and 64-year-old stepmother in the home they shared. And there was incredibly gruesome details. So anyway, Lizzie Borden, famous Boston lady, give her take 25 years. When was Lizzie Borden acquitted her murder? I feel like it was late 19th century because it was. so sort of like mythical in this country, I'm going to say 1875. A very good logic again, Gregorian. It was 1893.

I mean, you're still far away. How many years did you give me? 25, I think. Oh, then I got it. Yeah, I know, I know. All right, we're going to end on this one. Stephen Spielberg's summer thriller. Talk about a piece of film or TV that changed everything, like The Sopranos.

Although, you know, I do think that what's David Lynch's Twin Peaks was the real game changer in TV. But anyway, Stephen Spielberg's Thriller Joll was released in theaters on this weekend in what year, give or take, one year. 176 I gave that to you it's 1975 nice nice here again as far away as you can be

and still being right yeah yeah that's what you love that's your sweet spot that's it that's why you love getting dees in school you love getting it's my career it's my career I'm playing fucking Wichita Kansas with with Carlos Metsia oh my god I'm not with

bergazzi at the fucking staple Center. Are we going to the O-bit? Let's do the O-bit. All right. I got to look him up, but I know personally. This is somebody who meant something to you as a mentor. Yeah, and I've talked about on a podcast before. So I get a call. I wrote, I wrote a, I know it sounds like a long story. It's going to be short, but I wrote a spec script. I wrote a script, an original sitcom based on, it was kind of like a positive spin on divorce. And anyway, one day the, and CBS paid me to do that because I pitched them and they really liked it and I didn't know what they were feeling exactly

about the last draft I handed it. And then the phone rings and I answer and it's like guys this mom, I'm like, yeah, this is Mike. And it's like, hey Mike, it's James Burroughs. So I go get the fuck out of here. And so, because I thought it was one of you guys because my friends know how much like especially taxi and then everything we grew up on. I mean, he created Cheers and I was the doorman at Cheers at Boston University in Boston while I was at BU for like two years. And like anyway, so many of the shows this guy has done, I just loved. And he was calling me to tell me he read my script and he wanted to direct it. And that's what happened.

And he directed and I am new. I'm so naive. I had never been over on kind of what's called the scripted side of my business, even though late night is obviously scripted. and he really protected me. And a couple of stories about how he protected me were, so you just get dumb notes all the time from networks, right? So we're on the floor.

We're shooting the pilot. And they come flying out the two women and they're like, you know, you didn't say Julie's name again. And by the way, we're in like the last two scenes or three scenes. And like you didn't say the name again. You know, I think we have to remind people of their names. And then I'm about to say, yes, of course. of course we'll shoot the scene again and he puts his hand on my chest like kind of saying like

you know get behind me and he goes uh why don't we put name tags on them julie and i'm just like oh my god no like please don't do that please don't do that i want them to pick this up and as they're cowering away from him he's like why don't we kair on their names in post and i'm just like oh my god And before that, there was, we did a giant, basically press conference, and it was a table read. But like so every department was there because, you know, PR was there, publicity, advertise, everything, including props, everybody. And it was like an auditorium. And it looked like a press conference of like a band announcing their World Tour. Like everyone has the name tags in front of them on the place cards on the table.

And anyway, we read through it. They come up and they have a million notes and he's just, I hear him like, ugh, like I hear him groaning next to me as they have almost every page earmarked with notes on every page. And then we finish. And as they're leaving, he makes sure that these four women who are leaving are still in the room. And we're alone now with them. But it's an auditorium. They're leaving. And he loud enough goes, Mike, you know they don't know what they're talking about, right?

if they did, they wouldn't even have the time for this. They'd have hits on the air. Anyway, here I'll read a little of the New York Times to catch you guys up. I am not understating this when I say he is the Steven Spielberg of sitcoms, especially the, you know, the live audience sitcoms. So beloved by actors, he helped to create cheers and directed more than 1,000 episodes of hit shows like, taxi, friends, and the Big Bang Theory. And he's a New Yorker.

He started in New York. His dad was in theater. But he started on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, the Bob Newhart show, Taxi. Frazier, Friends, Big Bang Theory. It goes on everything that that guy did who did Big Bang Theory. Mom, two and a half men, all of those. Young Sheldon, everything. So you can look them up on your own, like for all the credits.

but he had a hand in everything. One of the reasons he liked mine the most is we, and this is taking credit away from me, which I feel I can't wait to do, actually. But one of the reasons I can explain why he took such a liking to my script was he also knew we couldn't get a great cast. So we had a cast, Door, you know, the comedian.

Jim Doer? Yeah, I wanted to say Jim, Jim Doer as well. No, not Jim Dor. I know. It's Canadian, and I'm just spacing on his name. I fucking love this guy. We had a great cast, but they were all unknowns. And so, in success, he would get so much credit, which is exactly what happened on friends.

No one knew a soul on friends. And he brought them all together and created these superstars. And so that's what he also wanted to do. here. And then he and I really hit it off. And I'd see him throughout the years. I'd go to help people writing. Again, pilots he was doing. He did like three or four pilots every year. And if more than one went, he'd pick the one. I think, oh, Will and Grace. He legendarily directed every single one of those. But it goes on and on. It's crazy how much he directed. Well, rest in peace. What a guy.

Yeah. Unbelievable. know so cool. And he has a million funny. Oh, by the way, he has a memoir. You should listen to his memoir. His stories about taxi and the craziness with Latka. And they're really just amazing. And then he walks you through, like, famous episodes from all the sitcoms he did.

And like he said, the hardest he ever heard a live audience laugh was. the taxi episode where Jim is cheating on his driver's test and what does a yellow light mean? And they whisper over them because they don't want to get caught cheating. Slow down. So Jim's like, what does yellow? And just go YouTube that scene. It's hysterical. And that's the hardest that he's ever heard in audience laugh.

That's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Also, I got to also mention. friend of mine who died, Tom Drieson. Did you know he died? Oh, I saw that. Yes. Yeah. So he was a great comic, a legendary craftsman, opened for Sinatra for like 30 years all around the world. He was like his main opening act. And he was just a guy that would, you know, still showed up at the comedy store and the lap factory and he'd wear a crisp suit. And his hair was perfect. He was a fucking Silver Fox. And he just, his jokes were impeccable. his timing. Every comic learned from watching Tom Driesen about how to command a room, how to use

physicality, how to have tempo, how to have elocution. He was just a gentleman and just a sweet nurturing guy to young comics. And he'd been sick for a while, so he just passed a couple days ago. And I want to credit it's John Doer, but you said Jimmy Doer, and it got, for me, it's so close. But John Doe, great Canadian comedian. Go check out his stuff. He's not dead, by the way. He's not dead. He's not dead. But one thing on, wait, who were you just talking about?

Dresen. Jeff, I think Jeff Ross went to see him in the hospital. I'm now recalling this. And Jeff told me, no, I went to see him. It was great. And I was like the last few days, I guess, maybe. And his family was there. And Jeff, I guess, knows his family.

And when he walked in, Driesen, like, kind of like, lit up. It was great having a visitor. But then was talking. talking about, like, Jeff would be like, oh, my God, no, I just, you know, I, I just wanted to comment. I loved you since, you know, I'm making this up now, but it was some detail, like, since I saw you that time, my car, he's like, do you know they gave me the light a minute early and they knew?

And he started to tell Jeff, and the family is just looking in disbelief at the recall and the sharp memories from a comedy night 60 years ago. Yeah. And it was so like, it's just like that that meant so much to him. You know what I mean? Like that is so ingrained that another like craftsman walked in the room. And after years of honing your craft, he remembered like when like, and I think it was something like that.

They accidentally gave them the light to earlier something. And he knew every detail. He was, he's an example of how every comedian would like to. go into the sunset in their career. You know, he belonged to Lakeside Country Club. I saw him playing golf out there about 10 times in my life, drove a clean Cadillac, you know, and told you street jokes.

Like he was a fucking jukebox of great street jokes. And he was a guy who you just ended his life with dignity. You know, he was still doing it right up until the end and didn't need to just love it. it, you know. Yeah. And, you know, I worked with them once. He, when Kilbourne left the Lay Late Show, and we were looking for the replacement,

all this. Everybody, in fact, I even hosted a night. It was crazy they gave me one. But Letterman really wanted Driesen to do a couple of nights. I think it was a couple of nights. And so we produced Dreson. Trison got to sit, like, in Kilbourne's office. And this is before Craig Ferguson won the job.

And so he's in there. that week was exactly what you just described. He'd be like, I'll tell you boys and this. And secondary, because, you know, he wasn't up for the job. He was just doing it like for fun. And it would be like, and then I'd be like, well, do we need to go over the monologue? I'm a monologue again. He's like, someone's putting on a tie and makeup.

And he would just look at me. He's like, Mike, I got it. Yeah. Like, no. It's almost like he probably had it memorized by looking at it like, you know, going through the jokes that afternoon. Yeah, I don't know how many. regale us with stories.

Also, all the stories that, like, he could spend a whole day talking about stories that just happen in that building. Like, that's what Danny Kay's office was. And then all the game shows like Hollywood Squares and all that stuff. I'm just looking up how many times did Tom Driesen do the Tonight Show? Oh, I know. 61 times. That's unbelievable.

That's unbelievable. What a career. man, to be envied by anybody and to be that well-liked and that good at your crap. And the stories that he could tell, I had him on my podcast because he wrote a great book about his life. And I had him on my podcast and interviewed him. And, I mean, I could have gone on for five or six hours. So great.

All right, let's cheer up. Let's go to the funniest. I have a heart out in seven minutes. Let's do it. Okay. Ripped through them. Every week we do the comedy caption contest. Last week, it was a man and a woman at a cocktail party.

They both have drinks in their hand. He's talking to her and says, we don't know. And as he says it, there's also a thought bubble coming from his crotch. So we're hearing what comes out of his mouth and what his penis is thinking. Send your entries for next week into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. And we'll pick a winner. Sean from Ontario said, the man says, I'm a bio-molecular engineer, and then the penis says, I'm itchy.

Nope. Sorry, Sean. David. I'm itchy. What? It must have to be a little more of an effort, I think. Martin says, hubba, hubba, I want to pound the shit out of you. Crotch says, no, no, dumb fucker, that's my line. All right. I got a little held up on hubba, hubba.

Like, wasn't that like Fuzzy Bear from the Muppets used to say hubba, hubba? Yeah, that it's both of their lines is hubba, hubba. Brandon from Verro Beach, Florida, says, top bubble, I swear it won't happen again. I'm only drinking wine. Bottom bubble. How do I tell him whiskey dick is just an expression? Oh, okay. All right.

Yeah, yeah, sure. All right. And this is Ron Vorek says Speech bubble is So tell me about yourself Thought bubble is And her friend Ask about her friend

Introduce me to her friend I guess he's talking about her pussy I guess Yeah Clive said He's saying I'm flattered And you are very pretty

But in the long run I don't think I'd ever be able To reconcile your stance on Iran And the crotch says Ah Christ There I go go thinking with my man again. And then there was one above, or we're skipping that one?

Yep. All right. And then we got John Favreau, my friend in Maine, guy says it's true. Whenever I eat gluten, my lips get all dry and cracked. Crotch bubble. Great job, Romeo. Another dry night for me. Okay, not bad.

Jay Donahue says, man says, I just don't have the time or energy to pour myself into a deep committed relationship. Crotch says, you had the energy to pour me deep into Kyle last night. I'm liking this one. Okay. And then his second, he took two cracks at this. The second one is the man says, I'm a struggling magician, but living with my mom helps keep expenses low.

Crotch says, crap, another night with an oily, angry right hand. Angry masturbation. Oh, it gets me every time. I love that. But, no, it has to be the one right before that. The Kyle. The first one's better. Adam Copeland said,

Adam Copeland said, uh, the guy says, so the gynecologist said you can't have sex for two weeks. Crotch says, ask her what the proctologist said. Ah, okay. I like it.

I thought you liked that. Yeah. Kyle, Kelly Holmes said top bubble is no really. Really two famous guys talked about, the size of my penis on their new podcast, their news podcast last week. Dick Bubble says, don't forget to mention you're a show or not a grower. There you go, Kelly. Yeah.

All right. I think we can go out on that. You know, I was thinking of one where the bottom, no one I don't think has the bottom one talking first. I thought it would be funny. Like, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it. And then the guy goes, I'm chubbing up right now. Yeah.

Yeah, something like that. It's fun. All right. So finalists, I would say we like the gynecologist, proctologist. Sure. And then you like Jay Donahue's first joke. I don't have the time or energy to pour myself into a deep committed relationship. You had the energy to pour me deep into Kyle last night.

Deep into Kyle. Who's the winner? I mean, I would have to throw. They're tied. We don't have enough coosies to go around. Let's give them both no coosies. All right. Perfect. But congratulations winners. All right. Next week's comedy caption contest, here is the comic. It is a boxer. He's sitting on a stool in the corner and his trainer is talking to him. He has a black eye.

He looks pretty tired. And the trainer is talking to him. He's got a towel around his neck. and we're clearly between rounds pretty wide open. Thought I'd give you one a little less specific this week. He looks like an old businessman the way he's dressed. He's not in great shape. All right, let's move along here. Let's do it. Here's the pros. Hager's sitting at the bar with a guy who's wearing the full suit of armor.

And he says, I'm drinking to make me confident enough to talk to a woman. Then he says, and I'm wearing the armor in case I say something, offensive. I think she should be wearing the armor in the cocktail lounge in medieval times. A little protection. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Leroy is pouring himself a drink and Loretta says to her friend, Leroy had a tough night, so he's having a bit of bourbon renewal. Just a little wordplay. Yeah, that's a little. It's a little stretched. And then he's why the Leroy and Loretta walking down the street

There's a construction worker with a jackhammer and And Leroy says your old piano teacher I love that he's not even looking over at the guy He's just looking straight ahead saying that she's side-eyeding Side-eyeing him though And then we got Doing one more lock horns I think you should paste yourself on lock horns

All right let's go to the onion All right, the onion, this is a funny one this week. So the PGA, oh, someone wanted me to hold the onion up more, but then it steps on the joke. Yeah, you flash it so fast. Yes, because you don't, there's nothing visual. There's a picture of a press conference, but it has the text. You know what I mean? Why are you yelling at me?

What did I do? So I don't, I don't even know why I hold it up at all. I guess it's a better question. Anyway, it's press conference. PGA announces all caddies must be leashed. I like it coming out of the Masters because of how racist it is. Wait, I don't get it. All caddies have to be leashed?

Leashed. Because they're black? Well, they're subservient, I think, is what it is now. But coming out of the Masters, they were treated less than equal. I think you'd say that. Yes, that is true. Sure, sure. All right, Blondie.

Blondie, we got a repairman shows up at the door. blonde answers the door, she is literally heaving out of a teal green sweater with a plunging neckline. She's got her hands on her hips, which accentuates her slim waist. And let's not even get into the calves. I mean, they're bowling pins. And so the guy shows up and he goes, I hope I didn't, I hope you don't mind. I got here a little early. And she goes, not at all.

And now I got a little chub working. And then he walks inside and she goes, Are you sure you don't want to wait until my husband gets home? What? And then the repair guy goes, actually, that's why I'm early. I'm hoping to be done before he gets here. Okay, define done. Dunware.

Dunware, Greg. Dunware. Done in that pooper. Look at her presenting. She's closing the door and she's aiming her. She's got a velvet skirt on with a rump that looks like a fucking, like a melon. Her hands are still against the door

with her back to him. The dog is even going like what's about to happen. Yeah. He wants to be done before he gets here. All right. And I mean, we have to assume

I'm going to get some action. I'm just going to assume he's a plumber and he's there to check out the plumbing. He's going to lay some pipe. Ladies and gentlemen, If you love the show, deep inside, like inside, Kyle. All right, here we go. Don't forget, quo, q-u-o.com slash papers to get 20% off your first six months.

And you get to try it for free. And so we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for listening. Are we seeing them next week? We won't see you next week. Next week we're going to be off. I'll be in the Hamptons. And I can't be bothered when I'm in the Hamptons.

Oh, I like that. Yeah. All right, everybody. So until two weeks from now, everyone should take it each. Take it is. There it is. Wake up at Sunday, early in the morning, quit you on and plug your phone in.

Watch out for gubbins. He's huff and puffing, because his new clubs are coming. For the sun, must be running to the corner store to give me some big papers. I need a blonde. He is so beyond me. Dag would be on me. It's been a long week, so it's time to wrap it up with Mike and Greg. I lose my blues, I got the news.

Fitz Factor two, sometimes it's true. Yeah.