Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 6/7/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: June 7, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg and Mike break down Knicks fever in New York, Trump possibly showing up at MSG, Charles Oakley rumors, Leslie Stahl and the turmoil at 60 Minutes, Clint Eastwood’s retirement, Taylor Swift’s latest breakup-song allegations, a Florida man suing after an alligator bit his face, and a Coinbase glitch that briefly made one man worth $197 billion. Plus, ethical questions, “This Day in History,” funnies, and plenty of Fitz Facts. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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a chance to receive a Tim Horton's scholarship award. Ready for what's next? Apply today at careers.timhorans.ca. New Hampshire, and the kid that was opening for me, was talking about eating fish sticks with Tata sauce. Oh, that's funny. That's a tough one. Yeah, it's a tough one.

It was what a show, though. Oh, my God. It was in the middle of New Hampshire. It was this... Nashville? No, it was called Rochester, New Hampshire. Oh, wow. And the nicest group of people came out.

Oh, my God. I ended up doing like an hour and 20 minutes. I just didn't want to get off the stage. And there was a woman in the front row when she had on a grapefruit Simmons T-shirt. And I talked. I got one right here. You do? Go ahead.

Keep talking. And you what? I talked to her for a little while. And then I asked her if she had a husband and she said, not anymore. and I said, oh, bad divorce, and she went, no, he died. And where do you go from there in the show? You know? You died of embarrassment because she had this t-shirt.

Oh, there it is. It's more valuable if it's still in the wrapper. That's why I haven't done it. That's right. Wow, how does this have a barcode or does that get on there from something else? Your life is more valuable when you walk around wearing that shirt. Get this. This is my problem.

You want to my problem? And it's, yeah, sound like a very giant diss to you. I have a lot of problems, but I just went through a process of, I had to give up my storage unit in the building. So it was one of those,

and we've all been there like, all right, crossroads where you can get rid of stuff, right? It's kind of like the big, most of the time it happens when you're moving. Sometimes it's just like the garage has gone too far. Let's see what, anyway,

donating tons of clothes, throwing things out, throwing things like mementos out that, you know, and you winnow it down. I had so many artworks from the kids in grammar school and this. I'm like, you know what? If I had half this much, which is still a trunk, that would be fine.

That shirt somehow survives it. I pick that up. I love it. I pick it up. I look at it. I weigh. I'm never going to wear it. And maybe now that I brought it up, I can throw it out.

Maybe that's what just happened. Wait. Now, the big question is, are you going to save the shirt you wore to my 60th birthday, which had my headshot on it from. the 90s. I have it and it does not hold up well to washings. It's been washed once and it is quite faded from when from when I wore it. I think maybe I watched it once before I wore it to your party and then I've watched it since and it did it's it's fading fat like you. So it's just going to say so it looks like me at 60. Yeah. Wash it a dozen more times and it might be where I'm at

now in terms of being faded. But I got to tell you, I was, I did it, I did a weekend in Boston, which I think I spoke to you, I spoke to you last weekend about that. That was fun as hell, played golf with John Tobin on Sunday. And with a bunch of, bunch of lunatics. They play at this public course, which is kind of a famous, it's like the oldest public course in the country. And, but fuck it, I walk up the course, I got two ticks on me.

And, and, you know, and this Lyme disease is no joke. Like, people get really sick from Lyme disease. Yeah, I think I saw a daily show with Michael Acosta. What's his name? Michael Costa. Michael Costa. And he had the leading, one of the leading scientists on. Everyone should go watch that because it goes, it narrows it down.

He has all the ticks. And the guy goes, there's only one tick that carries it. And then he's like, and. It's about a 50% chance if that ticks on you that it has Lyme disease. He was in no way saying, like, calm down about it. So don't get me wrong. But he was just saying, this is what you should know. Like, if the other ticks are on you, obviously remove it.

Don't freak out, though. It's impossible to get Lyme disease. Then if this tick is on, take it out. And then they broke down. If you get it within the first day. And he kept saying, now a lot of people are going to come at me about this. and the research isn't completely sewn up tight yet. But if you get it within the first 24 hours,

there's an argument that some diseases could be transmitted to you, which are not tough. Maybe you'll have a little fever. But Lyme disease, it's then like 50-50. If you get it like within 20, like towards the like a day later, if you get it immediately, you're good. Yeah, but even they say if you squeeze it, If you squeeze the tick and you get liquid on you, that will give you the Lyme disease.

So it's like... That sounds like a fits fact. Look, my aunt had it and it ruined her life for a decade. She literally was on an IV drip because it was so bad. Oh, no. It messes people. And then you get that thing where you can't eat meat anymore. A lot of people have that now.

My wife's stepbrother has it. He can't eat meat. And so anyway, there's a shot. There's a pill you can take. I'm just taking the fucking pill when I get back. Because then I went to Vermont and I got four more ticks on me. Wait, there's a pill? Yeah, there's a pill you can take and it knocks it right out.

You're supposed to get tweezers and pull it straight out. Or the way we went to the dump. Me and Evan Dunsky went to the dump up in their town. Oh, God, it sounds like I'm missing a great time. Yeah. Yeah, it was great. And this guy, we were about to step on a tick that I just pulled off me. And he was screaming at me.

me and he's like, no, you fucking, you got to do this. And he pulls out his lighter and he burns it. And he goes, that's what you got to do. Kill these fuckers. That's old school. They say do not do that, like if it's in you. And there's probably like it might get released even faster, you know, like if you do that. Oh, right.

Well, I was out. They, our friends the dunce, because I've talked about this before because this is the third summer in a row. Mike, you're fucking insane if you're not going up to. the Dunskees farm. It is paradigm. It's like spiritual. It's this house. It's surrounded by 360 degrees of

forests and mountains. They have this They got this cold pond with a sauna with a big window on a deck and you get hot then you dive in the pond and you sit in the Adirondack chairs in the sun and I was farming. I was like riding the tractor around

cutting all the grass. This sounds like a studio have also equine therapy. You sound like a special needs kid who's given a weekend up there let let let gregory ride the tractor everyone watch him don't worry it's not connected to anything yeah they let me pet the ponies for like three hours straight oh my god i fed it a carrot um no they got they got cows and um no it was great and the dunskey's just the best i think i'm going early september because i'll tell you I'm going to see Tedesky trucks at Tanglewood, September 2nd.

Wow, no shit. Unless, unless like employment gets in the way. No, get Sophie, go up with Sophie, and maybe Owen will go up with you guys. But that's apple picking season, and they've got an apple press. And you'll come home with a couple jugs of cider. We took magic mushrooms and then went into the woods and looked for mushrooms. we went foraging. Wow.

Yeah. And then we walked outside and the stars, I don't know that other than in Ireland, I don't think I've ever seen stars that big and that close. And I'm looking up and Lisa and I are out there. It's like midnight and I'm like, what is that? That's not a plane, is it? And we both see this light and it's moving across the sky, but it's very small.

It looks extremely high up. And then we see another one. moving across the other part of the sky. And there's no way it's planes. We're in the middle of Vermont. No, nothing would fly over the northeast of America. Go ahead. No, I'm just saying at that hour, at midnight,

there's two planes in the sky above the middle of Vermont. By the way, there's hundreds. But go ahead. Well, get to it. So anyway, we go inside and she sends me a link. She had looked online. Elon Musk had launched two SpaceX satellites, and they said in the article,

you'll be able to see them above the sky. tonight because they haven't reached their orbit yet. They're still low enough to see. Great story. Future space garbage. Yeah. Speaking of Owen Fitzsimmons, what a sweet guy. First of all, I was very disappointed in him hearing he listens to his dad's podcast and this one,

or maybe just this one. Anyway, he texted me after last week's podcast saying that he heard us talking and that I'm going to read East of Eden. He finished it about a month ago, and it's so fucking great, you can't go wrong. Really? Yeah. And then we started talking about classic books. And then I told them a recent classic, it's on most people's top 10 of the last 50 years, is Atonement.

And then he said, I watched the movie because I spanked it to Kira Knightley. But I'll check out the book. He didn't say that. No, he said, I watched the movie because. Because of Kira Knightley, which is the same thing. But I'll check out the book. And by the way, if he was able to spake it during atonement, hats off. I've lost that ability.

Hats off to him if he can do it. There's a lot of boner killing things going on in that story. Oh, well, that's nice. I'm glad he reached out. Yeah, I can't believe that he listens to my podcast. It's insane. He should not. Yeah.

I'm about to see him. I'm going to be in New York for the next few days. Doing a little corporate show for a bank. I think I'm going to New York Tuesday. I leave Wednesday, but I'll meet up with you Tuesday night after my corporate show. Whoa. Whoa. You may want to.

No, I have to emphatically step in here. You are going to leave New York City on Wednesday? Yeah, why? It's game four in New York. Good point. It's the best point. That's why I'm going. If they win, if they win on Monday night, I will stay for game four.

So I've, I've booked, and who knows, hopefully it can work out. Meanwhile, I hear American Airlines is canceling flights because a lot of them, because of fuel. So who knows, anyway. Yeah, no, they don't cancel the main route. they cancel like Fargo, North Dakota to South Bend, Indiana. Well, I couldn't afford the one. I mean, I guess I could, but I wasn't willing to. So I'm connecting in Charlotte on the way there.

It's like a short connection. It was only adding like an hour to the flight. Anyway, and it was like less than half the price. On the way back, anyway, I am not just so people don't think I've lost my mind entirely. I would bet against them winning in four, right, even though they're up to zero now as of last night. But my point is I'm going. Game four is possibly the last game in New York or the last game. And then they play, so that's Wednesday.

Then they play Saturday maybe. Saturday, yeah. They take three days off for the two days off. Yeah, two off days for travel, which I don't remember it that way. But anyway. It didn't used to be like that. They added a day. Yeah, I know.

So put it this way. In typical Knicks fan fashion, I used a shit ton of miles to book a flight the morning after game seven is scheduled. And keep in mind, we're up to zero and both wins on the road. So I'd say odds are against it going to seven. But the Knicks fan in me, man, I'm like, I got to protect if this goes to the seventh game and I have to watch it in New York. So I'm hoping I'm really praying I have, I cancel that and never use that flight. Yeah, we got to figure out Monday night. We got to, me and Owen got to watch the game somewhere fun.

I don't know that spot. Just walk down the street. I'm not even, have you seen the footage of all the people in the street watching? Yeah, yeah. It's incredible. Yeah, it's going to be amazing. And I'm going to wear an ear piece in one ear, one iPod, so I can listen to the play-by-play. Because I like to hear what's going on.

I like to hear the stats and all that. Why don't you just bring a little transistor radio? and have a hard line into it. I have a Knicks cane. It's really nice. It has a head on it. I thought you were going to wear one thing in your ear acting as Owen's bodyguard, and maybe you'd get better seats or you can move up to the bar.

Yeah. So I'm going to go out to Bushwick. He said that, you know, I've been in the neighborhood briefly. It's amazing. Everybody's raving about it. It's the new place to live in New York. Well, Brooklyn has, I mean, my feet is packed with Brooklyn watch parties, like they're everywhere.

Yeah. And big bars also. But, you know, I think we're talking about it later, but Trump is saying he's going. I cannot wait for that. And Mamdani is going to game three. And I want Charles Oakley. There's rumors Charles Oakley will, the ban has been lifted. It's been lifted twice.

And he may return. He's the only, like, you know, player that hasn't like return over the years. Wait. What was the ban? I can't remember. He would dis, he bleeds. He's a big, big, big Knicks fan, right? Never mind playing their 10 years.

And he, with Dolan, the owner, they had a beef. And he was very critical of Dolan, which he should have been. Everybody is. He showed up with four guys like to the game. So he was sitting in Dolan's section. And then security came up and goes, you're leaving. And he's like, what? Now, I don't know exactly what happened in Dolan's defense.

but Dolan claims he was inebriated and maybe dissing, like, you know, booing and and heckling Dolan, and he was removed and it got physical. And I think he, Oakley assaulted three of the MSG security. Yes, that's amazing. That was in 2017, I think. And then it's been a lawsuit since because you defamed my character, says Oakley, and you called me like an alcoholic or whatever. Anyway, but they've lived.

did the ban, but then Oakley wants an apology. You can Google all this. There's a beef. The beef is still going on. They got Michael Jordan involved to try to solve it. And anyway, if Oakley returns, I think that would be beautiful. Of course, he'll be blamed if they lose. He's got to watch that.

But anyway, for the non-Nix fans who are tolerating all this talk, this is the last thing I'll say. I saw someone on Instagram who said, I have the best idea. Do you remember that footage of there was a young kid at a hockey game who just stared down the camera and the camera would show him and the place would go crazy? And then it would cut to other fans and they'd boo. And they'd go. And they'd cut back to the kid and they'd go crazy. He's like, do that MSG camera people.

Please do that with Trump and Mom Donnie. Show Mom Donnie, then show Trump. Then show Mom Donnie, then show. I would lose it. That'd be great. Yeah, they just get back to Oakley. I had a Charles Oakley jersey when I lived in New York. And then, more importantly, I got a Charles Oakley car wash shirt.

He had a car wash in Yonkers. Yeah, I remember that. And I was in a thrift store and I found the Charles Oakley car wash. Yeah, I think it's distracting. I think that Trump has better. Does Trump have anything better to do? You know, you can buy a signed Trump electric guitar for like $25,000. He's signing guitars and he's going to basketball games and he's repainting reflecting pool.

Like what? Is there nothing else going on here? I mean, this is the thing. All right, let's not get into it. I don't want to get into it. I'm just going to say that. I'm just going to say this. Say it quickly.

Say it quickly. And I think even Mago would agree. I'm sorry, Trump is more Texas than he is New York. That's it. It's that simple. That was my point. I said he should go to San Antonio. They'd love him down there.

That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's get into, you're supposed to watch the Jeff Buckley documentary. I'm afraid to. I'm going to love it too much. I'm going to be a puddle of tears. No, let me tell you something. Jeff Buckley is a guy who just, like, touches you in a very, very sublime way.

They just, his voice, his lyrics. And anyway, I'm watching the documentary on the flight from L.A. to New York. And I'm getting really into it. And it's all about not being a part of commercialism and pop music and garbage. And I'm like moved to tears. And then the pilot gets on and he interrupt because I'm watching it on the screen, which is always a mistake. Never watch a movie on the screen because they stop every time they make an announcement.

So you know you told me this last week. Okay. Let's also talk about this week's logo. No, no, no. But where the pilot had to be like ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes from the man. in the center seat in Isle 28, who's in a puddle of tears. And who keeps cursing at these interruptions? Oh, gosh.

Anyway, do you know, so you finished it, right? I did. I don't know if they cover this, but by many accounts, he died going in for a swim in the Mississippi in Memphis, singing a whole lot of love. Yes, that's correct. Yep. The logo this week comes from Tim.

It's a very interesting picture. I really like it. It's got a lot of emotion to it. Blondie looks like Deborah Harry is a whore. Hager looks like a, I'm not going to say a grapest. I look a billion years old. Yeah, I look more haggard than the haggard than hagar and haggard whore. So he went hard.

You know who I looked like? Who's the guy? I know exactly what you're going to say. Oh, who? I also look at Papa. Harry Stanton or whatever his name is. Oh, Harry Dean Stanton. That's one.

I also look like Popovich post-stroke. And I look like, no, he's the Italian guy that does the podcast with Sebastian. You know, they're always like, And my wife goes to me. You know, and they have the very Italian conversations. Is he an actor? No, he's a stand-up. Oh, I know you're talking about, he used to be Brewers.

He used to be Brewers co-host. He's a funny guy. I know I'm good friends with him. I'm just spacing his name right now. By the way, I don't mean that as an insult to him, but his face is longer than mine, and his hair is kind of like that. I feel like an asshole that I can't remember his name right now. Anyway, the song is from Roger Harvey. Did you get a chance to listen to it?

I don't think you sent it to me. I did. I sent it to you and Matt at the same time. When? Like earlier this week? Yesterday or the day before. You were given plenty of time. Anyway, it's a very cool song.

I love it. Thank you, Roger. Still looking for songs. Always looking for new songs. Very nice. Send them in. We're not looking for a symphony here. We're not looking for, you know.

Roger did it right. He did it right. Just something meaningful. Correct. She's being a meaningful. Jesus, people laid into us this week. Andy from San Diego said, oh, wait, no, first of all, I got to say this came.

Callie Khan, who did last week's music, said, if you could just give a shout out to Haley Mulville, who did the music for last week. week's theme song by me. Okay. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, she's great. She's our furry of Blondie that we love. Andy from San Diego said,

it's not, and the corrections, Bob Patterson is always correcting us. He goes, it's not pronounced Bob Patterson. It's cock sucker. Oh, that's, we're way off. And we're off the algorithm. Yeah. Oh, why did you do that? We love it. We love Bob Patterson. He is very anal. I would imagine.

in his house is a very tight ship. Ryan from Chicago said several mispronunciations. Mike pronounced Cloca several times in the story about alligator peenai. He pronounced it Cloca, two syllables, but it's cloaca, or cloaca, three syllables. Unfortunately, his joke about being a cloaked pervert doesn't work when you pronounce the term correctly. So for 0.01% of our audience, thank you, Ryan. He doesn't know what I call my cloeache. Perverts wear cloaks also.

Yeah. Under their cloaks. Yeah. And Ryan also goes on to say that the audio was out of sync, but we did not hear that from anybody else. So I think that Ryan is either on acid or he has a bad MP3 player. Well, I think my audio, no, maybe it was two weeks ago. My card ran out. So Matt.

Oh, that's right. Who always takes care of us. I served them up with a problem that they didn't deserve. But, yeah. So you're throwing Matt under the bus. Oh, my God, the opposite. I'm saying he saved us and no one else is complaining. But I messed up.

And they had to use the Zoom audio for the first half or something. JJ says, and I don't know if this is true, you tell a story about how somebody corrected you on Whitey Bulger. Whitey Bulger was the Winter Hill Gang. They weren't rivals. He was in the Winter Hill Gang. Their rivals were the Italian family. Can't think of the name right now.

Oh, the Cloacas. They're brutal. They just walk around with hard-ons and guns. Yeah. You'd wish it was a gun in your back. Yeah. But I was talking to my friend Mary Fitzgerald's brother who said that their father worked for the Winter Hill gang, and they did not work for Whitey Bulger. So it may be two separate gangs.

They may not have been rivals, but I don't think they were the same gang. Also, Tom Jones was not a soccer player. Rod Stewart was tried out for a team but never played professionally. And maybe you're also mixing this up with Gordon Ramsey, who was on the youth teams for Rangers. a professional Scottish team, a lifelong soccer fan, Mark. I like, he gave me credit. You glossed over that,

that I called out the FitzFact Live while it was happening. Oh. Yeah. Are you going on the road anytime soon? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're in Huntington Beach, I'm going to be at Mamba on July 12th.

Also, St. Pete's. There's a comedy festival called Joke World, August 14th and 15th. Cincinnati at the Funny Bo, August 26th, Columbus, Ohio at the Funny Boone, August 27th. Then I'm coming to La Jolla, Batavia, Illinois. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets come out. We also wanted to give a shout out.

We just mentioned Matt Peters, but thank you to Gotham Productions. They do an amazing job on our show every week. You know who else does an amazing job? Hymns. Weight loss. Oh, my God. It's never been easier. Talk about your weight loss and how difficult it was.

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and we can continue to make the show. Also, let's talk about Miracle Made. Oh, my God. These sheets. Talk about your experience with the sheets because you're a single guy. I'm a single guy. Oh, man, the wear and tear on these things and they hold up. And that chicks are impressed, man.

It feels like slipping into a hotel sheets. Are you kidding me? Anyway, there's all this copy here, but it is true. They have the technology that sheets can hold. more bacteria than a toilet seat. I don't want to think about. That should knock us off the algorithm. Well, you also have sex on toilet seats.

So this is a big step up for you. It's a huge step up. It's so tricky the other way. This makes it easy. You still get a foothold and everything, and you have to balance, but it works. Yes. They have silver-infused fabrics inspired by NASA technology

to help regulate temperature and stay cleaner longer. This is the thing. They do, you know, you're always flipping the pillow to find the cool side of the pillow. That's what kind of what they're, that's what they set out to effect is that the sheets will be like the cool side of the pillow. That's how it is with me. I run,

I run cold at night. My wife runs hot. And these sheets adjust so that we're both comfortable. So, you know, it's kept our marriage alive in many ways. Yeah, I think that's the,

you're holding on by them. You have to give them a lot of credit. So you can. can wash them less because they don't they the bacteria is uh is it's just not there anymore and they stay fresh that's what i don't like is all right so i have a cleaning woman every two weeks or whatever the night i get you sleep with your cleaning woman yeah i have her i that's the one on the toilet seat yeah and i it's while she's cleaning then she cleans up after it works out so when i get into those sheets i'm like i don't know how you did it, but this feels like, and this is with any sheets, and then the one, when it was the

miracle made, it was like, it was crazy. It honestly felt like a top, top end hotel. And the thing is, when it's not the miracle made, I'm, the next night, it's not already not as good. And then two nights later, it's not as good. Here's the lonely, here's the funny, lonely detail. I sometimes, after a few days, sleep on the other side of the bed. Because it's still crisp over there. That's so sad. But Miracle, I don't have to do that. Miracle stays three times as long.

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You got a crinklage? You got something to crinkle? Oh, man, do I got a little plastic. It's not great. I'll admit it. It's not great, but it's going to make a little. There you go. There we go.

having a cat as a pet is linked to higher odds of schizophrenia-related conditions. That does not mean your cat is secretly impacting your health. The findings show an association not cause and effect and better studies are needed. The idea that cat ownership may be linked to schizophrenia risk dates back to a 1995 hypothesis that it could involve an infection pass from animals to humans. So basically, cats have nine lives. Women who live with them also have nine lives, but they're all happening at the same time. Is that what happens? They're concurrently having nine lives, yes.

Also, having a cat is linked to dying alone. It's not, they don't know if it's a causal relationship or just maybe a coincidence, but the empirical data is for sure there. Yes. And they often show up and the cat has made a meal out of a calf or a finger by the time the medics arrive. And with each cat you add the odds increase of dying alone. And also I think humans might cause schizophrenia in cats because they are one minute they want to be petted. Then they hate you and they hide behind the couch and then they bite your leg and then they play with a lint ball.

They are at least nine different personalities. Is petted the right where I just want to cut off some fits, some corrections coming in. I don't know if petted. Maybe it was just pet. They want to be pet? I was going to say stroke, but that sounds dirty.

Stroke in your cat? Strogating your cat. I'm not going to say the other word. Now, here's some fits facts coming our way from me. Aren't there cat diseases that can kill you? Well, yeah, the poop will, if you're pregnant, you shouldn't be around cat poop because it will cause, I don't know what happens. There's something with the litter box and something. But anyway, how is that not happening more, I guess, is my question.

How are more people with cats not dying in their house because of neglect or, you know, whatever it is that causes it? But still, if there's that possibility, I'm shocked it doesn't happen more. Okay. Oh, all right. You have nothing to say. Normally, you just go with a theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not today?

Well, I felt like the story was over, and then you brought up like a little, I don't know, a little addendum. And I'm not talking about cat scratch fever. Let's keep that in mind. My favorite punchline of the funnies last week and you didn't pick it to win. Right, that's right. You're right. Cat snatch fever was the punchline. I forgot that.

It is good. Should we go back? All right. The 60 minutes clock is like a ticking time bomb. Leslie Stahl, now the most senior and tenured of the show's correspondence, isn't fooling around. Stahl is bringing out the big guns. She's reportedly hired Brian Lord of Creative Artist Agency. Both you and I have been represented, I think, by CAA.

I was. To represent her in the CBS debacle, losing Leslie Stahl would be game over for the new regime. She's the last link to the classic 60 minutes of Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Harry Reasoner, and Ed Bradley. Her skills and connections drive the show's authority and public trust. As it is, Scott Paley's exit is devastating. So Scott Paley was just let go, and that was wild. He went public about it and everything. And it was four other people, I believe, who were fired.

And he was just like, why are they being fired? And the response was, we are not answering that question. and so morale's never been lower. My thinking, before we get to some jokes about it, is why doesn't the whole staff, if they're fired, just start another news magazine on a website or a rival network if a network is still in the cars or Netflix? It's such an incredible journalistic magazine. Well, I think they spent a lot of money researching. I mean, they work on a story for six months before it hits the air. And they travel around the world.

That's more money on CBS now. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. I think the show, I think the show should be called 60 seconds at this point because that's so much longer it's going to last. And, you know, and Scott Paley, by the way, he didn't, he didn't get let go. He got fired. I mean, he laid into this, this chick Barry Weiss, who's, fucking evil.

She was there and there's this new guy Nick Bilton who they brought on to be the executive producer who literally has never produced television and never produced news in his life. And he's been brought in and so this was Scott Paley basically said

in the meeting, what qualifications do you have to be even sitting in this room with us right now, never mind being in charge with us. And so he got fired the next day. And they also called out that CBS was forcing them to put lines in their stories that were invented

and that were just self-serving to the administration. Yeah, and Scott Paley. And it's weird I said self-serving, but that's, they're locked step with the administration, CBS. Scott Pally said to Barry Weiss, you're murdering this show. It was crazy. So, I mean, it's just, you know, this is the biggest story in the country about censorship in the news and the news organization that most would be covering it can't because it's about them. Oh, man. I wish Andy Rooney, remember

we grew up to Andy Rooney who would end every 60 minutes. Do you know, as I just jotted this down, the thing I'm about to say, I realized, I think Seinfeld stole his act from Andy Rooney. Oh, totally, totally. Yeah. The observational. literally Andy Rooney would say, you ever notice? Like it's basically the who are these people? So anyway, I think if Andy were on now, he's like, you ever notice when your coworkers start disappearing? I know I do.

Hey, Scott, where did you go? And my third boss this month is now gone too. I don't think this would happen at a bank or Gimbals. Maybe we should just let people do their jobs. That's what I've done for 110 years. The best part about that run was Gimbles. Yeah. A department story that's been gone for 40 years now.

If you want to, if you don't know what we're talking about, obviously you can find. And Andy Rooney was parodied on like everything. Like Fridays, Saturday Night Live, a mad TV, probably even did it. But he was the easiest guy to do. He was such a full-blown character. But one really interesting Andy Rooney, the one that stays with me the longest, is when Kurt Cobain died so what is that 94 or two anyway when he died um Andy Rooney kind of came out one like all right like what's the big deal like was he that

big like is this maybe an overreaction and he was you know like the whole sit-in in Seattle happened and it was front page of the New York time like you know it was a gigantic story obviously and he kind of was old man poo-pooing it. And the next week, he said basically a mea-culpah that the show had never received that much fan mail telling him he was wrong. No kidding. Yeah, it was really interesting. Yeah, he was amazing. I mean, look, I grew up with 60 Minutes.

Every Sunday night, we sat down. My whole family, we watch it. And I try to get my kids to watch it because it's just, it's the kind of journalism that changes lives. It's the kind of thing that brings young people's attention to what's going on with the environment, what's going on with, you know, constitutional violations and big, deep questions. And like I said, the journalism, like nobody else is spending this kind of money and this kind of time on. You know, who else is? John Oliver.

That's the other guy who like... Oh my God, so good. No, he's like 60 Minutes Meets the Daily Show for sure. And, you know, Frontline is also should be mentioned in the same breath. They're unbelievable. Hey, Mike, you ever... You know that feeling when you accidentally shock yourself while unplugging something from an outlet?

Boy, do I. Or maybe you used to put a 9-volt battery on your tongue as a kid. Hold on. Keep listening, everyone. This sounds like an ad. It's not. It's a story. It's not.

Apparently, some people feel. that the jolt and thought, you know what? I want to know what that feels like on my genitals. Yeah. Erotic electrostimulation, better known as e-stem or electrosex, is having a mainstream moment. The practice which involves sending mild electrical impulses through the body to stimulate nerve endings and muscles for sexual pleasure has been a fixture of the BDSM community for decades. Now e-stem toys have made their way into mainstream sex shops and more people are using them. So they say it increases the engorgement and sensation in a penis.

Tech testicles are particularly responsive. And a big part of the draw is that it's hands free. So, I mean, this is great news if your AI sex bot short circuits. Boom. Yeah. Well, I remember we would not only lick the nine-bolt batteries like crazy, but we would take the light bulb out. Like our parents would be downstairs.

A friend would be over. We'd take the light bulb out and take turns, sticking our finger in the light socket to see who could hold it in their law. And of course, you take it out immediately. It like grabs your arm. You know, remember that sensation? No.

You've never done this. No. You guys almost died in your basement. You and your brother, like every week. And you never did this? Well, I once went in. In the side of my school in seventh grade, there was these two wires by the gym. And this was the 70s, man, where just no, there was no safety precautions at all.

And there was these two wires that were sticking out of the wall, just, you know, just live wires. And my friends dared me to put them together. And I stuck the two wires together. And I literally fell backwards and lost consciousness. And then came back to back awake again. So for this story, it's like, why don't you just penetrate the light socket with your genitals? Like, why don't you just stick it in there, man? I mean, you already have it.

It's in the house. You don't have to buy anything. You'd be like Uncle Fester. Yeah. Wait, I told you the story. I haven't told the story in forever, but off of your wire story, I went up, I would go up to Dartmouth and drink my face off during their winter carnival. And Dartmouth should get most of the credit for basically, uh,

bringing beer pong to the forefront. So I'm in a fraternity seller and there's a giant beer pong thing going on. But there's like, you know, 100 people or something. And, and they have a bar, like a really like bar with taps, like, you know, like, you know, like a real bar. And I step up to the bar and I'm waiting there. And then while I'm waiting and the guy, the guy sees me and he goes, what, and I'm like, yeah, another like, you know, we're all of solo cups and he's going to fill up my beer. Dude, all of a sudden, I'll just explain it from my perspective. I feel like a beam in the cellar fall on my shoulders behind my head, like crashing down on me. And I literally like flinched like fucking crazy. And I look up and the whole bar is dying laughing at me. And I'm like,

what the, and then I realized like, I'm not on the ground, which I had no idea what happened. I was so confused and everyone's dying laughing. They had a shorted refrigerator that if you put your hand on the, um, on the hinge, the metal hinge of the refrigerator and I had my foot on like the metal bar of the bar, whatever it was. And so they know that the, so fraternity brother put his hand on that, uh, on the live fridge. And then he wrapped his arm and hugged me, uh, across my shoulders. And I completed the circuit. And he, by the way,

the craziest part of the story is, he has to get shocked in order to do that to me. And everyone knows it. So he has his hand behind me. I'm imagining being like, hey, everybody, watch this. I'm about to hug this fucking stranger who's drinking,

like, in our, and he, like, hugged me. And anyway, they were all really cool to me after it. But I mean, and, you know, my feet are in water. My hands are probably all beer, like, wet. And, uh, it was. a shock man I love that I love that the guy took the hit it's it's almost like if Marvel created a superhero that could shock you but he has to be drunk first it's like a bee

stinging you like that's the end of his life yeah yeah um let's we do this uh we don't have to we're going we're going kill that one let's do to ethical questions oh man here we go all right ethical questions. Where are they? Here we go. All right. My sort of X has cancer. Is it fair that she expects me to take care of her? Interesting. Very interesting. Subtitle. Part of me recognizes that walking away is loathsome and something most people would judge harshly. Doesn't really had anything. Well, my mother-in-law, my wife's mother, while they had been divorced since Aaron was a kid, but they had always been pretty good about, you know, managing the kids and staying, you know, and he left her for another woman, and she ended up marrying that woman,

and he was with her for the rest of his life. But Aaron's mom was a nurse, and she sat at his bedside. He ended up with this horrible nerve disease. And by the end, he could barely function. And she sat at his bedside almost every day and nursed him in the hospital. And she was there when he died. And it was kind of profound and beautiful. She signed all his checks. She signed all his checks.

Got the password for all his accounts, took care of everything. But that's a woman helping a man. I would say in this case, if it's the woman with the cancer, no, he's got a pass on that. There's no expectations. You want me to tell you the story? Yes. All right. Very briefly, they were boyfriend, girlfriend.

They realized years earlier that they were incompatible. And so they broke up and she was in another part of town. But they kind of remained. This is the story that you're reading? No, I read it. That's the headline I read. Yeah. Okay.

And so they remained French. She was in the other town. And then he started to get sick. He's sick and deteriorating. little bit. So then she got a job in his town and they said, why don't we with some clear boundaries or whatever? Like, why don't you move in? You can kind of, I think it was like, kind of have free rent because you work here and then you could help take care of me a little bit. This is meanwhile the opposite of what the, she then eventually gets cancer. So, and they realized

again that they were incompatible, but they agreed to a two-year lease. And they were coming to the end of it. And they were going to go their separate ways. And that's when she developed. the cancer. Wow. Yeah. I see a screenplay here. Hallmark channel maybe Christmas time. He dies on New Year's Eve after a... It's called Stage 4 Christmas. I should write it up. Why don't I just spend the rest of my day writing that up? All right. Let's get to entertainment. Wait. You don't want... There's other ones, but okay, let's get to entertainment. Let's keep it move. No, forget that. We're not ethical, man. We're unethical. Here we go. All right.

This is you. No, this is Matt. Oh, I love it. Yeah, I saw this story. Thank you, Matt, for putting it in. Clint Eastwood announced his retirement from the film industry. He's 96 years old. And my, I saw that headline.

And I'm like, do you, like, look at us, Greg. We're in the entertainment business. In the entertainment business, is there a need to announce your retirement? You are forced into retirement at the end of every project. Yes, right. All you have to do is just say nothing and you're retired. Yeah, retiring at 96, that's like getting divorced at 70. It's like it's already been over for a while.

You just didn't realize it. Yeah, I know. 96. I mean, Mark Marin retired his podcast and he threw a party. and he played with a band and he invited everybody. And it was like, I don't know, I would just stop doing it. I wouldn't have a party. His is a little more like a steady gig where he has to kind of address it.

But if Clinties would make his last film, the history would be like, oh, what was the last film he made? Oh, yeah, that's right. He made that film and he never made another one. Like now it's going to be like, oh, after that film, he announced his retirement from. Yeah. Anyway, it's a little weird.

I think some, I think, I think, I think, I think maybe I should announce my retirement just to get some press and then come back, which would get me even more press. Yeah. That's, yeah. It's a lot of time. Like, George Foreman, like, do it a few times. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe then you come back and you fight one of those, one of those kids in the ring, like, like Tyson did.

Oh, yeah. what are their names? Oh, God. They were in the audience at the roast. Yeah, we were going to have them involved, I think, at one point. But, oh, geez, I'm spacing on their names. Anyway. Here's another Matt story.

Stephen Colbert, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, the Americone Dream, which was named after him, has got a new look after being ousted from the late show. I guess it's still going to be in the stores, but they change the cover. He will now appear in a little. a blue button-up shirt with no tie since that's how he's dressed now. And I think they're going to add a lot of extra dark chocolate for bitterness. Is that what they're doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They want to add bitterness to it. I like it. Do they really need to change anything? I don't know. I think, well, there was, did you read about the Byron Allen show? So people angry with the cancellation of Stephen Colbert's The Late Show are making their displeasure known. Byron Allen's The Replacement Show, Comics Unleashed, hemorrhaged more than half its audience. And competitors, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon, capitalized on the Exodus.

Apparently, Kimmel's show surged by 2 million viewers. Oh, good for you. A 178% increase from the show. the show last year and even Fallon ended up with 1.3 million more viewers. Meanwhile, Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed debuted a day after and drew only 628,000 total viewers. So it's a 65% drop-off. And that was the premiere? But I got to say this, though. They actually treat the comics really well on the Byron Allen show. In your green room, there's a vacuum-sealed bag where you can check your soul for the taping of the show. Yeah. And then the gift bag has

Judy Carter's book, How to Be a Stand Up comedian and some Vicodin, which helps ease the cramps in your gut from having to laugh at a fellow panelists, conversationally do a bit from their act that has been sanitized and castrated by the same network that is gutting 60 minutes. Byron Allen sifts through your backpack in the green room to take any spare change because he feels like he hasn't fucked you enough by underpaying you on his show. show. So it's a good experience. It's called, yeah, Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed, Norm McDonald famously, like his observation was,

I've never seen comics more leashed. Yeah, yeah. Or comedy, more leashed. They basically take your act, which you've already picked the cleanest bits, and apparently they sift through it and they change it and they neuter it. And then you go out there and there's, oh, it's so awful. I know. But, you know, he's renting that time, Byron Allen, and that's his, like, business model.

Like, he's his own network. And then he sells the ads because you can just buy that time. And it's almost like an infomercial. That's what syndication is. Yeah. It's the same as like Channel 5 and 11 do. They buy the time and then they take the commercial. So CBS doesn't get hurt, but they're not making money.

Taylor Swift announced a new original song and Toy Story 5. All right. I guess they were keeping it a secret, but now they revealed it. The title is, I knew it, I knew you. And it's a country song. And I guess she's a huge Toy Story fan. And here's Taylor's Toy Story, though. Here's her story about toys.

She sends an assistant out in each city to buy her a rabid ear dildo because she's only in the same city as her fiancee about 11 days a year. That's her toy story. Yeah. Well, I saw this story that Matt suggested and I'm like, well, what are the odds? I mean, maybe she can get away from a, her absolute, she's like a AI in that she writes just as fast and can be just as prolific. Except the AI has been, restraints have been put on it. And it can only write breakup songs, right? It's like the AI, it's like clawed.

breakup. That's her AI. And so I then start thinking about jokes for this story. And I go, you know what? Let me be fair. New York Times just called her one of the best songwriters, living songwriters, American songwriters. So let me be fair. I went and saw it. Guess what? It's a breakup song. It is? It is written exactly like an entry in a teenage girl's diary. Yep. Yeah. I have tried to listen. And I don't hate it. it, I just don't, I mean, should it be only for teenage girls? Because I don't feel anything when I hear her music. Well, I mean, the lyrics are so syrupy and it's all, and it's all me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Like, right about the world, will you? Do you think Travis Kelsey enjoys her music? I mean, I think he has to. He probably has convinced himself. Maybe he does. I mean, he's not, you know, the most. intellectual guy, right? I don't know.

I don't know. He seems to be a fun guy. I'd like to, you know what it? What are his musical taste? I'd like to see what else he's in. He's probably hip-hop, right? Maybe country. A lot of those guys are country.

But apparently they are taking their vows in front of more than a thousand people inside Madison Square Garden. This can't, and I looked it up. And the rumors are, it's true, there are rumors. I, what are they doing? Why would they do this? why would you be in a place that holds 20,000 people and you have a thousand with you? That doesn't make sense.

But it's July 3rd and they're going to communicate to invitees by text. I bet they do it. I don't know. And usually with a couple like that, they don't announce the location until, you know, the night before because they don't want paparazzi. So It's going to be so romantic I mean when they leave They're going to drive off in the Zamboni

With the just married written on the back of it And like cans tied to it It's going to be so beautiful I can't wait till someone I can't wait till someone screams pot van sucks Because I've never been in that building When someone doesn't scream that And maybe Tracy Morgan

We'll throw up in the front row I want to see that also Oh yeah yeah Now you've got to invite Tracy Morgan, Woody Allen, Salame, Ben Stiller, Chamalay. Shamaulay. They'll be there. And, you know, the catering will be done by Oscar Meyer and Budweiser. Yeah, you got some dogs there, some big beer with saran wrap over the lid.

I'm talking about when I was little, they would have those with a rubber band around it. Already made. Let's get everybody beer fast. like any other city I've ever been to. Speaking of cities, let's make America, Florida. Here we go. All right, here we are. All right, Florida man files lawsuit after alligator bites his face.

The lawsuit shows that the man identified as Edel Kassanov visited airboat rides at Midway in Christmas and whatever. But during the free alligator encounter experience, he reportedly suffered a bite in the face. Now he is accusing the business of negligence, claiming to have suffered disfigurement and hospitalization, among other impediments. There were no warnings, signs, or other devices to warn or indicate the vicious nature of the subject alligator, the lawsuit reads. Additionally, there were no measures used by the defendant to restrain the alligator or otherwise protect him. in all the lost to do, seeking damages of over $50,000. That's a pretty cheap face,

$50,000. But no, you need signs and warnings that an alligator is vicious in nature. Yeah. And then he went to a biker bar and he got fucked in the ass and he's suing because there was no signs.

How did he know? You have to know that's going to come in your way. You're in Florida. At a biker bar. Yeah. Also, you went to Florida and were bitten by an alligator. That's like, you can Google that. The odds on that are not that incredible.

No, it's like losing money in Vegas. Yeah, it's just, it's, it's the downside. You go, you go for the, to see them, but you're going to get bit. There were no signs posted in the casino saying I would lose this much money. Right. None. There was a sign that said if I had a gang gambling problem, I should seek. help but the help was an arrow pointed toward an ATM machine which i felt was misleading and i

did not have a gambling problem until i started losing there was no problem i came here yeah so crazy all right let's make america texas again here we go bruce gentry opened his coinbase app for a routine check and saw his balance was one hundred and ninety seven billion dollars there were so many zeros on my screen, they actually went behind some of the icons on my screen, Gentry said. Believe me, I never see that many zeros unless I got a calculator and put them in myself. Coinbase tied the issue to a May 7 outage. The company called it purely a display issue. To be honest, probably find myself, oh, so then he was asked if he got $197 billion, right? This is how you can tell that Mr. Gentry doesn't understand number.

He goes, to be honest, I probably would have found myself a better position of where I live. That's what he would have done with the money. Gentry, like, why not buy America? Gentry said, and then probably set up some kind of charitable fund or something like that and start helping people. He said he never tried to withdraw it. And that was the right call. The balance vanished as fast as it showed up.

Experts say, if something like this ever happens, the safest. move is simple. Don't touch it and report it immediately. Greg, is that what you would do? Yes, I would report it immediately and I would ask for some kind of a payout from the company. I would say, it's like when you return a wallet, and if you return a wallet, you're supposed to throw the guy 20 bucks, at least, depending on how much is in the wallet. So I think that the Bitcoin, is it a company? Where is the headquarters for Bitcoin? Is there, Any building or any officer, is there literally any entity in any way involves in managing or overseeing complaints to Bitcoin? Yeah, I have no idea.

But I mean, yeah. Is that weird? Think about how existential that is. There is no 800 number. There's no website. It's just a thing like air. It's just there. Gentry, Mr. Gentry, may I recommend talking to the guy who got bit in the face by the alligator?

Nice. He has a lawsuit. I think you could sue how this rattled you. You were already planning to move. You were going to help people. And then it was just yanked away. That's not your fault. All right.

Let's get to this day in history. All right. I remember some good ones here. And I never say that. Let's see. Let's see what we got. Let's see what we got. Okay.

Well, D-Day, that's an easy one and all this. Do-Day. Let me guess the year. D-Day was 1945. Give her take zero years. 1945? That's perfect. You missed it.

44. Jesus. All right. It took a while, you know, for the surrender in 45. So sex in the city debuted on HBO. in on this day in what year give or take four years i'm being generous uh 94 oh my god you douche 98 yeah baby oh boy uh Swedish tennis player biorn borg uh gigantic and gregg in our uh childhoods uh was born on this year give or take three years I nailed it on the nose

And then I was surprised Because actually I figured it out I figured it out Use what three years I figured it out using Math like dates I knew And then I was surprised

How young he was Anyway go ahead All right I need more than three years All right Five years All right Boy let's say he was big in the 80s

When he would have been in his 20s So let's say he was born I'm going to say 1958. You see, 56, yes. Yeah, baby. That's why I gave you a small window. All right, all right.

I should get extra points. It still would have worked. It still would have worked, the small window. Extra points. Yeah, so 81, you know, 80 and 81 were the John McEnroe, Wimbledon finals. And then McEnroe beat him the second time. And then he retired not long after. And I mean, that's putting him at 20s.

I didn't realize he retired that young. Yeah, yeah. Before 30. Right. You know, he hangs out at the paddle tennis course down in Venice Beach. Yeah, he plays down there. I've seen him down there.

George Williams originated the Young Men's Christian Association. Do you know what that is, Greg? The YMCA, I used to, I took swim lessons there. I did not know. It started in London. Give or take 30 years. When do you think George Williams started the YMC? CA in London.

1890. Ah, you missed it. 1844. You missed it by six years. I love it. All right. Here we go. When do you think Prince was born,

give or take, four years? Prince, let's see. 1984 was Purple Rain. I'm going to guess he was 30. So let's 30 from 84 is 50. I'm going to say

1954. Oh my God, 1958. Yeah, baby. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So he was only,

so he was only 26 when he made Purple Rain. Damn. Is it a Fitzfack the year your, you're claiming Purple Rain came out?

It was 1984. Maybe 85. All right, wait, I like, you're never going to get this story, but I liked

how this was, it ended. So on this, day, the United States Postal Service redefined airmail. So on this day, the United States Postal Service sent mail by guided missile. Just before noon, I'm not kidding you, just before noon, a regular one missile holding two small blue and red metal containers of mail was launched from the USS Barbaro submarine. The delivery was his success. The mail reached a Florida Naval Station in 22 minutes. here's my favorite line.

But somewhat unsurprisingly, male by missile never caught on. Do you want to take a guess when this was? Just guess, and I'll tell you if you won or not. 1969. I'll give it to you. You won. It was 59. Wow.

All right. All right. Last one. It's kind of recent history. Okay. Poor Anthony Bourdain took his own life on this day in what year, give or take. two years. Okay, it's

2026. Was it 10 years ago? I'm going to say 2016. You know what? It's uncanny. With the give or take buffer,

you nailed so many like literally on the nose. It was 2018. I am on fire today. You missed everyone. I only missed one. I only missed one. And it was

kind of A ran one. All right. Was it? Okay. All right. What are we up to now? We got, uh, let's get down to, I think we skip the obituary.

Yeah. About that guy. Lucky us. Sorry guy. Here we go. Let's get to the funnies. Here we go. Bye.

Take it away. Every week we do the comedy caption contest. I give you one frame of a comic. You guys write a punchline. You mail it in. We pick our favorites. We read them off. And then the winner will get a coozy.

sent directly to your home by Michael J. Gibbons. Oh, yeah. So listen, I found some coosies. Oh, good. But we're going to have to prioritize who gets them. You sent me an email. I'll send that guy one. How many emails do you have for me with addresses on them?

I've sent some. All right, I'm going to, I'll do that. But I think we have to stop promising because there's only a limited supply. We already did. We haven't promised in a few weeks. Okay, great. This is just for the love of the sport. Until we come up with another prize,

This is for the love of the sport. And I apologize to the viewers who really were anticipating one. And I know I've said this a million times, but I swear I will get them out. Now, sometimes they're rejected, as we know. But the new envelope, the last envelope I used, I think gets them there. So anyway, right into the what's the email address? It's Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. Send your submissions for the jokes there.

Also, if you're missing a coozy, send it in. All right. So last week's comic was a fish sitting at a bar talking to a bartender. It's that simple. And this one from Maddie from New Jersey, he says, no, I'll just have water, no ice. In fact, if you could just fill up a bucket and pour it on my head, that'd be great. You like the idea? Little wordy.

I don't like the idea that. Sorry, Maddie, but I think that's very literally. like maybe what a fish. I'm wondering where the creativity is. Okay. Jim Walsh, Jim Walsh says, and all I heard was throw him back.

I like it's a fish tail and which are told it bars. I like Jim's, I like that, Jim. Matt says another drink. Maybe you should scale it back. It's putting a lot of weight on that wordplay. Harvey Booth says, I'll just have water.

which is a shorter version of the other one. I mean, the effort to send those four words in was more than you put into creating those four words, Harvey. I hate to say it. Thank you for sending it in, though. John M. says the priest and the pastor are running late. All right, fishes. Yeah, okay. Or is it?

It's part of the joke. Fish walks into a bar joke. Wait, John, have you ever heard a joke where a priest and a pastor? Wouldn't it be a rabbi? Exactly my thought. They got to get different people. Chili B says, I'll tell you why I keep coming back here. I'm a salmon.

Pretty great. We'll ignore that they die when they return, but pretty great. Peter says there is no way I smell worse than your wife's pussy. Peter went for it, huh? Jesus, wow. Yeah. Ben says, my quote for the fish behind the bar, good man, could you rustle up some grub and then in parentheses you know like worms you should not need a parenthesis to sell a joke

would you have gotten it without the explanation no all right tim baggins says he's also british i guess a british fish go ahead suddenly suddenly i realized i was being catfished luckily i'm a bottom feeder all right that means he likes catfish i guess they're on to their bottom feeders, that's what he's getting at there. All right. It seems like you stumbled upon catfished and went with it. I don't know if it sustains the, I don't know if it works. Ted says, I thought Poseidon was an unhinged dictator until I saw your guy.

Very political. Very political. Yeah. All right. All right. So it sounds like you liked, all I heard was thrown back. And you also like. I kind of did like that.

and you liked, I'll tell you why I keep coming back, I'm a salmon. So what's your pick? I'm dinging him on the salmon. I mean, for a joke to work, you can't have anyone be like, yeah, but, you know, like, it kind of doesn't work. Jim Walsh, you have won this week. I'm not promising you anything, but if we get some extra coosies, then we'll let you know. And if we had coosies, you know what?

Here's the good news. We'd send them to all of you. That's right. next week's comic is three dinosaurs what are those terex dinosaurs they look like terex they're looking at the little arms they're standing straight up and one of them is talking to the two other ones in the background is just sort of like prehistoric looking terrain that's it it's that simple it's very wide open i thought i'd give you guys kind of like a free range joke writing it occurs to me if you take a t-wrex

and lay it down on its stomach. I mean, you're getting pretty close to an alligator. Never thought of that. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're like prehistoric reptiles, alligators. So, of course, there has to be some.

Are alligators related to birds? I don't know. I'm ignorant. Don't, uh, let's go on with Hager. Hagg of the Harbour is sitting at the marriage counselor with Helga and the counselor says, As we begin, what goal do you hope to achieve, Helga?

She says, I want to feel the same sweet, tender love I experienced during my honeymoon. And the therapist says, I didn't know you had a previous marriage. Hager goes, I knew she wouldn't like me. I knew.

I knew he wouldn't like me? Yeah, wait, what's that about that? Oh, that's a guy. The therapist is a guy. Does it look like a woman? Oh, oh, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Yeah, it does look like a woman.

Yeah, but then you can see this like a little mustache. Oh, my God. I thought those tissues stuck up to stop a bloody nose. No. Like what kind of matters? He's about to get a bloody nose after what he said to Hager. Yeah, and you better lock up his wife. Leroy and Loretta are on a golf cart, and she says,

why do you pay Greens fees when you're never on them? That's kind of funny. Yeah. The next one, they're sitting at a restaurant. The waiter comes over. He's got two things in his hands. He goes, let me guess. You're the potted shrimp and she's the tongue.

Look at that. Yeah, he fucking went. He's not looking for a tip tonight. All right, let's do some. Let's do some. Oh, by the way, I went into my photos and I saw photo. So last night at Penmar, it's Friday night, that's where I watched the Knicks game. It was amazing.

but it's also the Friday night concerts at Penmore. Jason Mammoa's band was played last night. No. Aquaman was playing bass and he is larger than life. Like it's distracting how big and he had his big arms out and everything. But they were a pretty solid, I'm probably insulting him, but cover band. They added a gate, Hendrix. And Purple Rain,

was the one that almost closed it, and then it was Tennessee whiskey, I think, was the one after Purple Rain, kind of the encore. How was the bass playing? It sounded pretty good. I mean, like, listen, I did not even hear them for two and a half hours as the Knicks were on, but or whatever, there was a warm-up end,

but then they went on. But the game ended, and then I went over. Cut two, though, you know, the last time out, there was seven and a half seconds in a one-point game, someone should have indicated you have to stop playing for your own sake.

So I get home, my feet is full of New York City. There was a giant concert and it might have been in Central Park. I don't know where it was. And, oh, wait, I do. I forget. Oh, it might have been out of the fairgrounds

where the world were, you know, out by, in Queens. So anyway, the guy put it on the big screens. It was like a rave. They put it on the place went crazy. Then they got permission to go to 1230 instead of midnight because of the delay. Oh, that's amazing.

And everyone went crazy again. Yeah, it's so cool. So great. All right. So here's the onion. I love this. It's onion. It's on the line.

Phoebe Bridger's concert goer dips into bathroom to snow. north line of Zoloft. And then here's another onion. We'll just throw, I know, we'll throw in another onion. Department of Labor cracks down on people getting paid for work. So good. Onions, it's so funny. The onions, to me, goes in and out depending on, and it's not the writing.

It's the, it's the vibe in the country. Sometimes it's ripe for ridicule. Sometimes it feels redundant, like you can't get crazy. than what's actually already happening. And sometimes you feel like things are too serious. But I feel like right now they're like in a groove. Well, that's where like that one is great because it's or like the one where it's like Trump writes Netanyahu a strongly worded check because that's when they're great, which is

what you're saying. When it's like this is already a joke. Like it's very hard to find the next level of exaggeration. And and both of those. those do that. You know, it was good. Yeah. Speaking of exaggeration,

Dagwood's sitting in an armchair with his hands in his pocket. There's a young boy sitting next to him. Oh. And the TV is saying, get ready, people. We're going to whip up some comfort food. Woo-hoo. And the boy says, I got a question for you, Mr. B. And he goes, shoot, Elmo.

And Elmo goes, since most meals taste decent and fill your tummy, isn't all-food comfort food? third frame is Dagwood in bed fucking donut pajamas on Blondie's got her back to him appropriately which to me would be presenting that that to me is saying be a backdoor man

donut man and so he goes I got a question for you honey and she goes oh no Elmo again which you can read many ways I mean if you were the Epstein commission you might look at this and say why are you thinking, why are you in bed next to the hottest chick in animation history

who's got her lingerie just off her shoulder and her blonde locks draped across the pillowcase and you're thinking about a little boy? Yeah, the fourth frame is the third frame. I've got a question for you, honey. Oh, no, Elmo gone, he's like, yeah, how young is too young? That's the fourth frame. Ladies and gentlemen, we've made it through another fantastic episode of Sunday Papers. We want to remind you to support our sponsors.

Go to Hymns.com slash papers. Tell them that we sent you. Miracle made sheets. We can't say enough good things about it. Try Miracle.com slash papers. And you're going to get all kinds of discounts with that. And next week we're going to talk about the Jeff Buckley documentary. Anything you want to.

promote, Mike? Man, where are we? So it's Sunday, and yeah, the series might be over, but hopefully we're watching a Knicks game in New York together. Can't wait. All right, thanks for listening and watching. Daggetish.

Daggetish. Like Greg, Greg, and Mike, Greg, and Mike say things that we like having fun. Every week get your news and take it from the west to the east. Florida. The Venice piece. I think I found my niche and that

to take it age. Governance, givens, and fids, man, no, they got he infants, giving off it is their mission, then they take it each. X-stra-X to take it ease, real out of take it each. Priglin papers, take it each, love and fairly, take it age. Yeah, it's easy to take it. When you've got Sunday papers is easy to take it each. Greg, Greg, I like saying things that we like having fun every week, get your nose and take it each.

You got to take it each.