Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 7/12/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

Greg and Mike are back with another Sunday Papers packed with weird headlines, World Cup insanity, comedy, and complete nonsense. This week they dive into Argentina's wild comeback and the superstitions that come with being a soccer fan, bizarre Florida criminals, an unbelievable arson story, an alligator attack, etiquette questions from the New York Times, Louis CK's new Netflix special, strange history facts, World Cup announcer bingo, and the week's funniest headlines. Plus, Greg shares stories about family, old TV days, and some of the weirdest news articles you'll hear all week. Subscribe for new episodes every Sunday This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Today is Friday. We just watched. I kind of watched it. I thought it was going to go. I thought it was going to be tied. But what did we just see? Who did we? Spain.

Belgium and Spain. Spain. And obviously the U.S. The U.S. was, you know, rooting again. Belgium since they lost to Belgium. But I'll tell you what, we lost to a good team. They held their own against Spain right until the last three minutes of the game. It's amazing how many of these games are decided in the last three minutes.

Isn't it amazing? It's a lot of them for sure. Jesus. Right, and not even counting ties. Obviously, that's decided in the very last minute. But yeah, even without the ties. That Argentina game. All right.

So, all right, I don't even know how I'm going to tell this story. But so my brother-in-law, one of my favorite people in the world, George, you know him. He, all my friends are. Great guy. He is the most mild-mannered, mellow guy you've ever met. But then, like, some things come out. I've talked about him before here. Like, for instance, when he, when his kids, his two girls, my niece has got of age to play soccer,

the next thing we know, George was kicked out of that league and wasn't allowed to. to watch his daughter's games. And then he found a workaround, which was he became a ref. And that allowed him like to go to games because he was working. But sometimes he was working like on the other field. So you mentioned what his race is? He's Argentinian. Sorry if I forgot that.

There we go. I thought I did. George is Argentinians. So last World Cup. This is all getting to the Argentina game this week. last World Cup and he Georgia turns out

is very superstitious and when the Celtics would play the Lakers in games or any big playoff games where he's the Celtics or his team

he would get in a position if it starts to go well he wouldn't move so he wouldn't go to the bathroom so let's say he was sitting on the arm of the sofa his family would have to like bring him another beer

he was not allowed to get up. And so that's pretty common. It turns out I've heard that about other people. During the last World Cup, when Argentina won at all, there was a game, I think it might even been the finals, wherever it was, where all of a sudden, the juju was bad. And then George said, you have to leave to my sister,

and you have to leave. And you can go in the other. Everyone had to go. like, so, so Kate, I think, stayed as oldest. Caroline and Laura left and they were not allowed to watch. And then Argentina came back and won. So cut to this past week and this game. George is working. George is in the fire department. George is literally in the firehouse. He's not allowed to watch, but he's getting updates. It is not going well. They're losing. two zero. So he starts a fire. Laura and Caroline stop watching the match. Go to the rooms

where they went to last time, the exact rooms. Kate could keep watching. I think George has called her his World Cup Angel or something. She's allowed to watch. And then they immediately turned it around. So they tell me this story And then George is coming over for dinner The family's all in He's superstitious and crazy

And they also believe So here's the story So they we all had dinner two nights ago And George comes over I'm like that's unbelievable Oh no Laura arrives before he does And I go

So from the firehouse He told you to get out of the living room Like four years ago And she's like No. And I'm like, what? He's like, no, no, he doesn't know. I'm like, what are you, what are you talking about? I'm like, I just know that that worked for him last time. And this is my sister Laura, who is the biggest bullshit detector in the world. And I'm like, either this is the most loving story where you are so bought in to what your husband needs or wants both. And you've just. elected to leave the room and not watch. And his daughter, Caroline, did it also. And I go, then I go, does he know you did this? And she goes, no. I'm like, what? So when George came, meanwhile, my first thought was, either this is the sweetest thing ever, or I should call like the police.

George is clearly beating them. And anyway, when they came here, I'm like, he has to know. Do you mind if I like that's the most loving thing and he was so touched and literally the first words he could say was it makes sense it makes sense like that after they left the room they started scoring oh my god yeah Jesus incredible yeah no I get that stuff I think my sister's like that as well. There was that great movie with De Niro set in Philadelphia. Yeah, well, he's a big playbook. Yeah, the Silver Linings playbook. And there was a lot of that. Yeah, I watched the games. I watched the last game. I guess it was, God, who played yesterday. I went and watched the game yesterday. All right. France.

It was France playing. And I go to Penmore. And Penmar, which is, you know, it's a pretty hip place now. It used to just be like a greasy spoon cafe. And now there's a big screen TV that you and I talked about today because we were on the golf course looking at it. It must be a $20,000 TV, at least, if not 50. What are you talking about? That big screen TV at Penmar.

Dude, that's over 100 grand. Really? I think. It's the size of a movie screen. Yeah. So. And by the way, the key to that one is, which is hard to do. Woo, sneeze.

Is its brightness. That's what you're paying for. Because it is in the sun and it is the brightest, clearest picture you can have. And it has no overhang. It is in the rain when it rains out. Yeah. So it's. crazy and there's like five other screens besides that one that are also very big and so they set up

and they basically took over the first tea and the patios and all and there was about a thousand people at the france game and they're young and they are beautiful it is like the model agencies said all right everyone dressed like a whore and go to the france game yeah and so you're trying to watch the game is like no one's got a bra and you know there's this black chick with like 34 double ds wearing a leopard skin basically a bathing suit right like a like a body suit but cut like a bathing suit and guys with no shirts that are ripped that go to the gym every day everybody's tan and you think all right well this is a party uh-uh no they wait in line and then they sit down and nobody laughs.

There's no laughter. There's no joy. There's barely smiling. These are people that... It's like one of your shows. Right. Except they didn't walk out of the game. And so, but I mean, it's just weird because I think at our...

If we were their age and there was a thousand of us, there'd be hacky sacks. There would be laughter. There'd be wrestling. You know, it would be insanity. And I think this generation, is very well-behaved. They're all stoned.

Might that be part of it? Oh, that's, I didn't think of that. Right. Or now, it turns out, all of Los Angeles is on ketamine. Right. Recreationally. Yep. And medically.

And a lot of them are on mushrooms. So, yeah. Interesting point. They're all in ketamine. But the sexy stereotypes do not disappoint. It's like there was the memo. like Brazilian ladies, it's expected, so don't disappoint. Your asses should be hanging out of your shorts.

Yes. And here they are, lined up. And if you would like to breastfeed, pop that thing right out. Let it sit out for five to ten seconds before the baby latches on. A lot of that. I did see something I have not seen since I was in Miami once. And in Miami, I saw it. I was in a bar.

It was like 1 a.m. on the main drag there near my hotel. And I just point out, and it wasn't the one on the beach. It was the one, one block in from the beach. And probably route one. And so I remember going to the bartender. I'm like, is this, is this normal?

And it was a woman at 1 a.m. pushing a stroller in the shortest shorts and a bikini top. Yeah. And sure enough, Penrod the other day, there's a stroller. And the stroller caught my eye. I'm like, that's bold because it's really loud and packed. And there's just a bikini woman pushing the stroller. Yeah.

It's a very international scene is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, swing by Penmore. They should pay us for all the promotion we do for Penmore. And I know Mark the owner. And he gives me free hats because he knows we talk about them. And he's always begging us to do it. He wants us to do Sunday papers from the state. I've never got a free hat from Mark.

Really? Yeah. Maybe you've gotten more than one because once. supposed to come to me. Oh, maybe that's it. All right, I'll give you some. I got a ton of I got a ton of penmar swag. I'm going to give you some. Oh, well, boy, I hope Dennis isn't listening. Also, I want to give some love out. My wife's basically father-in-law just passed away. He was with her mom for 45 years and he was this guy Johnny Weiss. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, a lawyer and he did legal services for the elderly. He basically helped old people who were being

evicted from apartments for about 40 years in New York City. And he was an intellectual. He was a philosopher. He wrote novels. He had a great sense of humor. And he really, like, raised my wife in a lot of ways. And so anyway, she's in New York now with her mom who's dealing with it all. and we used to call him Mr. Magoo because he was blind. He would hold the menu. The menu would be touching his nose when he was reading it.

He couldn't see anything. He lost his hearing, but you could kind of understand him for a while. Wait, as the lawyer, that wouldn't instill a lot of confidence. Like, okay, you're being infected. Let me take a look at this lease and he presses it against his nose.

I'd be like, oh, man, I got to find a new place. Now, he'd been retired for a lot of years. He was like 88. That's such a cool life. Anyway, you were really cool about it because we're on the golf course today. And I told the group about Aaron's father-in-law dying. And then you went, oh, that's too bad. And then you hit a ball.

And then you went, man, I really sliced that. I got to figure out how to shorten my swing. That's what I did? Yes. Well, Johnny would have wanted that, no? I'd have to tell him where my swing. my ball one. He wouldn't have been able to see it. Just complete ADHD.

You don't have the capacity to hold a thought for more than 15 seconds. What was the last thing I said to you as we're leaving this hours later, leaving the parking lot? You said, give my love to Aaron, but that wasn't your initial reaction. Your initial reaction was your drive. Well, you caught me at a bad time. No, don't make me because, yeah, it's landing because, yeah, I have to sometimes be conscious about staying in the, yeah, I want to look at both of us and what we do for a living. I want to, I want to flee intense moments. Have you ever had an issue with an ex-girlfriend or wife about this ADHD?

Well, I mean, I don't have the hyperactive part of it. I guess so, but it's more staying. You know, yeah, I guess so. It's more, but it's more staying there. In fact, I'm highly focused. The problem is I don't want to stay in that uncomfortableness. Right. But I'm not thinking about anything else, but it might seem that way.

So I guess my short answer is yes. All right. I mean, what about you? Well, no, you're pretty good. You're a very good listener. I'm a good listener, but then I'm not a good remember. I'm not a good rememberer. Like, I'm not a good, like, follow up with somebody who's had something happen.

I'm good in the moment. But, you know, it's really about two weeks later being the person that checks in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Aaron's mom, you know, I immediately sent her a big bouquet of flowers. I went through pictures. in the back to find pictures of Johnny to send over there. Wait, who's Johnny? I'm kidding.

Go ahead. Ah, that was good. You were ready to pounce. You were ready to pounce. Who, Jackie? Other shout-out is it's Jojo's birthday. Today, the day we're taping, which is the 10th. She's turned 23 years old.

She's out camping with her friends at a lake in California. Yeah. Lake Paris. Have you heard this lake? I have not, but any, I mean, come on, a mountain lake. Yep. So she's at a mountain lake and then she sent me a text. I love you so much with a bunch of hearts. So they are clearly taking mushrooms out at the campsite. Absolutely. Not a normal message.

Don't call her out on it while she's on them. I know. You know, I thought maybe, I know I mentioned it regarding Owen, but maybe Joe, Joe should go check out that apartment and do a little crossover with her grandmother in New York. Yes. That is our next move is I would like Aaron's mom nursed her own sister in the last years of her life. She died at like 93 and for like five or six years. You know that sounds a little odd, right?

It sounds like she breastfed her sister. Well, she's a nurse. Aaron's mom was a nurse her whole life. She was a mental health nurse in the New York City hospitals. Wow. Imagine the shit she went through. Yeah. And so she took care of her sister who was also a nurse.

And so her whole life was devoted to her for five or six years. And then Johnny was sick for the last couple years. And that was her whole life. And now she's kind of, she's got a couple friends in New York City. But that's it. And she hates the winters, hates the summers. hates the summers and so me and Aaron are going to try to get her

to move out here to Los Angeles like your mom did. So it would be a is it a run stabilized apartment? That she's in now? No. Oh, okay. But Johnny, who died, pays $400 a month, paid $400 a month

for his giant one bedroom on the Upper West Side. Did he know that was able to read the fine print? He knew how much he was paying? Is this say 400? So, all right, let's get to it. Our logo today is from Bob, who... Thanks, Bob. Bob, we're in the reflecting pool.

You and I... We're not allowed to talk about the progress of the reflecting pool because people get upset when we go there. They really do. Yeah. It's a... It's a reflection of them. It's not a reflection of them,

but all the water that's been added are from the melting snowflakes on the right, that's, I heard. And that might be the problem with the water. I think it's the tears from the people that saw the photographs of how many people showed up to the carnival at the White House.

Yeah. Song this week is from Bruce Wise. And again, people, the bar is low. We're not looking for, you know, the beach boys doing pet sounds. with orchestration. You know, you want to clap your hands and sing?

We love it. We love it. That's what happened. Whatever it is. You send it in. Corrections for this week? You ready for this? None.

None. That was a guess. We didn't do nothing wrong. There's probably corrections, and that will itself be a correction next week. Tour dates coming up, Huntington Beach, at Mamba, tonight, July 12th. Pittsburgh next week.

July 24th and 25th at the improv. I'll be at the St. Pete's Joke World Festival in August. Also coming to Cincinnati, Columbus and Vancouver. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets, and come out and say hi. We want to give a shout out to Gotham Production Studios who do an amazing job, producing, editing, caring for us, helping us with our ADHD. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. And let's talk about, Cal, you know, we talked about the World Cup, and I am so into it. And I think a big part of it is these, this prediction market, Kalshi, where I buy a yes or a no contract on whether something will happen. What's weird is you're not playing the house. You are trading with other people that are also making trades. I don't know if that makes sense. but we play you and I like the side the little side choices. Mentions.

Mentions. I am not great at predicting mentions. And they are cagey. And there are flowcharts now apparently on Reddit of the announcers and their tendencies. Like there is one woman who, I don't know if she was tortured by the word crossbar, but she refuses to say it even when it bangs off the crossbar. You can guess that crossbar will be said and double your money if they do. You can guess.

It depends on the odds. By the way, if you wait later in the game to make that prediction, you'll make more than $5, obviously. And red card, nutmeg, which is when they kick it between somebody's legs, penalty kick, whether or not they'll say Donald Trump's name, whether they'll say gold. Like there's a million to choose from. And then obviously whether you vote yes, this team will win the game or you can say they won't. I had an uncanny run in the Australia versus Egypt.

I said they would not say turf pitch. They said it. I said they would not say champion. They said it. I said they would say penalty kick. They did not. I said they would, they would not say what a save because they are never saying what a save. They did.

Every single one I made the wrong prediction. Qatar. I said they would not say Qatar. Why would they? They did. Soccer. There's no way they're going to say soccer. They said it.

Cross bar. I'm like, they will. They did not. Own goal. I'll just sum up now. Own goal. Hand bar. sorry, handball, equalizer, comeback red card.

I said they would not say any of those. They said all of them. Meanwhile, I'm on fire. I started with 100, and now I have over 400. And just chipping away with small predictions. It's fun. It really does make it fun. Yeah.

Anyway, download the Kalshi app. By the way, you can play this in California, Texas. I don't know which states, but almost all of them, ones that you couldn't normally do this with. Right, California is a good example. So download the Calci app and use promo code Soccer 10, the number 10, to get $10 when you trade $10.

You can also sign up at calci.com slash R slash soccer 10, which automatically applies the code. That's K-A-L-S-H-I-C-T trade. What's next? Nice. The July. Oh, whoa. These are the sheets, bro.

Okay, the sheets. Miracle Made. This episode is sponsored by Miracle Made. Yes. If you're someone who wakes up too hot, too cold, or you just never get it right, you're Goldilocks. You should check them out. NASA inspired.

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Meanwhile, my wife, she runs hot at night. My wife. I run cold at night, and these sheets basically, I don't know how, but they adjust. And, you know, and now, and I know the. astronauts slept on these sheets and they love them. Is that what happened? Yes. A little bed set up.

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Try them out. Again, that's miracle.com slash papers, promo code papers. Thanks to Miracle Made for sponsoring the show. Nice. All right, you have something to crinkle? Let me see what I got up here. I've got some old... You got a tax return or something?

Here is a sheet of jokes that... We need them. We need them. Let's do it. Here's a little crinkle. There it is. All right. This story, yeah, tell me about this, because there's also a Taco Bell problem, right?

Right. But okay, go ahead. It's still unclear what has caused more than 1,000 people to fall ill with a condition that can cause, quote, explosive diarrhea. But it is clear that some states have been more impacted than others. The CDC said that between the start of May and mid-June, at least 145 cases of cyclosporea, has been reported in the U.S. Meanwhile, in Mexico, the numbers have stayed pretty much the same at everybody. I mean, I think all diarrhea, I think, is explosive emotionally at least?

Yes, yes. I mean, I got to say, I'm a fan. I love diarrhea. I think it feels amazing. I mean, I don't like cleaning it up, but much better than, like, giving birth to like a dry piece of coral that takes you 15 minutes. Okay. And you're looking for blood on the toilet paper.

Give me the squirts. All right. It seems like we're, maybe the Civil War has started because that was the number one killer in the Civil War. Was it really? Yeah. Well, I mean, which led to dehydration and all that stuff. Yeah. Wow.

Hey, but that cyclosporias. I didn't even know. That would be a fun game show, which is which disease would you want? And cyclosporiasis and then other ones that you don't know the technical name for them, the medical condition. And then you have to, then you see what you wound up with and who would die first. Endometriosis. Would you like that? I know what that is.

Okay. But there's some where it's very technical. No, kind of like halitosis would be, but we know what that is. Yeah. Martha Lillard, the last known American to use an iron lung died in Shawnee on June 26th and 78 years old. She contracted polio was a five-year-old in 1953. Doctors at the time frequently used iron lungs to help victims survive the disease, which could paralyze their muscles and deplete their lung capacity.

With the advent of modern ventilators, iron lungs have become virtually obfews. obsolete. Lillard, though, refused to switch, and she insists it is the most comfortable option for her to use it. Patients lay inside the large metal chamber equipped with bellows that pump air in and out. She recalled an ice storm that cut electricity to her home, and she called 9-11 for help. Lillard died following a battle with long-haul COVID, according to her obituary. So, you know, look, she's old school. She's OG. And she wasn't always in the iron lung. Like to get around town, she used one of those old-time bicycles with the enormous front wheel.

And she also kept in touch with her friends. And she would send her friends telegraphs on their birthdays. Is that what she did? Yeah. I think iron lungs might make a comeback with all this explosive diarrhea going around. You do not want explosive diarrhea in an iron lung. How does an iron lung So your head is sticking out, right?

As far as I know No. No, you go into a box Which is pressurized And it forces air into your lungs. So your head is in there too. Your whole body's in there. It's like a boy in the plastic bubble.

You're completely in there. Yes, exactly, exactly. Wow, okay. You know, is it just me? I'm starting to lose respect for, I guess, old people. Like, for instance, you're like, this headline had everything written all over it that I'm talking about. Like, last known American to use an iron lung.

She died by the way with 78. So now, what that paints a picture for me is she's born in 1906. But no, she's born like fucking Elvis is killing it. Yeah. Like, it's getting more and more recent. It's like, I don't, is there any World War I soldiers still alive? But no, no. So, like, they're gone. And like, and now, like, the oldest person with the old, tiny description is going to be like, you know, when rock and roll is already around.

I wonder who the last Holocaust survivor will be. Because as far as I'm concerned, there's only, you know, probably a. couple hundred Holocaust survivors left. The other ones didn't survive. Well, a couple of the guards were young. They're still going strong in Argentina. Yeah, yeah. By the way, Argentina's taunting Egypt by holding up the Israeli flags after the match.

Are they really? Argentina, we'll get your story straight. Are you Nazis or not? Yeah, right. I think it was mostly to confuse each. I don't think it was a gesture of hate. I think it was like, let's get them thinking.

Yeah. Who are we? Right. Do we support Israel? No. Arsenous. Arsonist cuts off penis. This is a real headline, people.

Arsonist cuts off penis then uses it to start a blaze in neighbor's garage. Somehow, this isn't in the Florida man section. A fireman. Bug in Indiana cut off his own penis, dumped gasoline on it, then used it to light a blaze inside a neighbor's garage. Christopher Pedden, 36 of Fort Wayne, allegedly copped to giving himself the shaft. After first claiming he was stabbed, he told cops that he harmed himself inside the garage by cutting off his penis with a kitchen knife. He poured gasoline on his severed genitals

and set it on fire on the floor of the garage just inside the door. When later he ran into police, he claimed he'd been slashed in the city's downtown area. Is that what he calls his crotch? I was slashed in the city's downtown area, according to court documents. So while he was standing in the driveway with his flaming cock in his hand, neighbors say he bore an uncanny resemblance to the Statue of Liberty. It's a torch, man. Yes, he's holding a torch.

Bring us, you're tired. Oh, man. You're flaccid. What is going to do this guy's head? Am I a grower or a shower? Both. Watch this. Here comes the show.

I think this would put David Copperfield back on the map if he could pull this one off. That is a crazy story. What's amazing is that it stayed on fire. It sounds like somebody. has been whacking off with an oil-based lube for a little while. You think it's like a snake where if you're holding it and then you pour gasoline on it, it kind of gets turned on? Did it get bigger?

Oh, interesting. I like to smell of gas. You know, you cut a snake's head off. It could still bite you. Here's a couple jokes from our friend Dickie. He loves this story. He texts us this story. Really puts the cock in Molotov cocktail.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know how Farmers Insurance had that campaign where they were like, we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two. I'm guessing they haven't seen that one. Yeah. Also, he does that. Yeah, go ahead. The Indiana man whose garage caught on fire was distraught.

He was like, oh, my God, now I have a neighbor who's trans. That's what got him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Meanwhile, the neighbor could be like, the balls on that guy. I wonder if he tried to blow it out. I doubt it. In Indiana, no way the guy tried to blow it out.

Not going to. It wouldn't even step on it. Wouldn't even stomp on it. He just ran for the hills. All right. There's another one. Oh, boy. Flight instructor jumps to his death during a lesson.

an Argentinian Here they are probably because it was during the game An Argentinian flight instructor jumped out of a plane to his death in the middle of a flying lesson when the team was down two zero

after telling his student quote, you know what you have to do and leaving her to land the aircraft by herself. I didn't understand this story because it seemed so crazy to me until they got to the pronoun her. Now I get it.

The flight instructor said, you know what to do, and then unbuckled from his seat, removed his headset, opened the plane door, and jumped out. The student was left shaken over the traumatic incident, but was commended for her ability to pilot the aircraft safely to the ground. Very clear, decisive, mature, and professional, the flying school director said of the woman. She was very shaken, but with complete professionalism, she piloted the plane to the airfield and landed perfectly. Wow. This guy really put the cock in cockpit. There it is.

Do you know how many men, I mean, just for the ladies listening, do you know we have to fight the instinct of jumping out of a vehicle after watching you drive sometimes? And so we all get this a little bit, I think. She must have been extremely annoying. That's what they don't cover in the story. Talk to some of her friends. Talk to her ex-husband. I would have thought it was part of the test and that he had like a, you know, a parachute that, you know, on his back,

a low-profile parachute. And it was like, you know what to do, and you jump out. Like, can you pass this? Yeah. Because I remember the first time I was getting certified for Scuba. I ended up to do it again with my daughter because I hadn't been in the Scuba outfit in 20-something years. But the first time when I didn't know what was coming, you get down on the bottom. And this is when we were out in the water now, not in the swimming pool.

And you get down on the bottom and he checks, checks, checks how tight your belt is, all this, blah, blah, blah. And then he gives an okay sign. And then I'm like, man, I'm like, no issues here. And I go, okay, and he reaches over and just rips off my mask and rips the air out of my mouth and throws my mask. And I'm like, not okay. Really? Yeah, that's what they do. And then you have to prioritize what you're going to do first, and then, which is obviously your air.

And then you have to find your mask on the sand and then put it back on and clear it and then get back to normal. So then I do that. and I'm kneeling in front of him again. And then he's like, okay. And now I'm like the flinching battered wife. Like, no, no, I'm not okay. Like my hands go up. Like maybe I'm okay.

Step back three feet. Jesus. Yeah. This guy, the flight instructor, I think he was the guy that worked with the Saudis on 9-11 because he teaches the takeoffs but not the landings. They don't need the landing. It's perfect.

You know what to do. You guys know what to do. You guys know which building. You know where you're landing this. Where do you think the other plane? You know how one of the planes got taken over, the let's roll plane that landed in the field in Pennsylvania? Where do you think that was headed? You know, we have a bunch of, I think the podcast community more than any other audience knows the answer to that.

because conspiracy theories are very much entertained on podcast. I don't, I mean, the White House, I don't know. Could have been Congress, could have been the White House, or which is the Capitol. The White House is very symbolic. Congress would have been more effective, I think. It would have, yes, yes, because the chances that you're going to actually kill, I don't want to say this phrase because we'll get flagged. unalive the commander-in-chief would be pretty low,

whereas if you hit the Capitol, you're going to take out a lot of top dogs. You could have crashed it last week on the fair, America's Fair, and I don't think there would have been any casualties. I don't think you would have hit except inside the plane. What about Larry Ellison? World's richest, one of the world's richest people. He owns an island in Hawaii.

In 2022, he got pulled over on his own island in Hawaii. Based on what is seen on camera, a police officer pulled the tech billionaire over for speeding and failing to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. To his credit, Ellison didn't pull the I own the island card, and he simply acknowledged the mistake and said there was no excuse. The officer treated him like any other motorist issued a citation and sent him on his way. By the way, unrelated, I just saw a promo for 60 minutes next week. It's an expose on a Hawaiian cop linked to Pizza Gate in Epstein's Island. You know he runs 60 minutes, right? Or his son does.

The cop was forced to write an apology and then also forced to kill himself in the town square earlier that evening. Yeah. By the way, I look this up. I look this up. It's an old story. You put this in here. Does it, has the footage emerged? No, it's funny because I saw it in two different sources.

So it's in the zeitgeist for some reason. Okay. So I think the camera footage, the body camp footage just came out. Oh, maybe it's Allison now because he's like public enemy number one. It's like, look, I'm a cool guy. I'm a cool guy. I let the little people take their shots at me. I remembered that there are some countries, European countries,

that use a sliding scale on what you get fine, depending on what your net worth is. So in Finland, fines are based on the severity of the offense and the driver's daily disposable income. For example, in 2003, a Finnish businessman made headlines by receiving a $121,000 ticket for speeding. Jeez. And in Switzerland, they've got the record for the largest known

speeding ticket over $1 million issued to a driver who is doing nearly 180 miles per hour. Oh, my God. First of all, if you're going 180, how do you get pulled over? Was the cop going 181? Maybe they just wait you out. Your gas doesn't last long at 180 miles an hour. Jesus. And Switzerland, those are like little mountain roads.

That's not all of Switzerland. Yeah, it is. So the island is Lanai. I just looked it up. And I remember when I was working with George Lopez back in the earlier this century, George had owned a home on Lanai. And as he told it, and then we were told that someone wanted to buy it. And I told them not a chance.

It's not for sale. And then they showed me the offer and I moved out. Oh, my God. Really? Yep. He bought everybody out. But wouldn't you want George Lopez on your island? He's like one of the most fun guys.

And you play golf with him. You drink with him. He's funny. Well, that cop would be very busy with DUIs. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Speaking of ethical questions, it's time. Oh, here we go.

Crangle that. Okay. Uh, All right, here, I'll just read them. I think the workmen at my condo are being exploited. What should I do? The subheadline is, many of us suspect they are undocumented and being underpaid. So I read a little about this, and they're housing the workers who are working on the condo

and the surrounding areas, and they work seven days a week, including Christmas and long hours. Well, I guess if you were to go back to whatever country they're from, you would have to weigh it against what life would be like there, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, for some people, it's a way of saving enough money and sending it home that you can create a better way of life. Because I'm just saying it as a pragmatist, I don't think you can go in and talk to the foreman and go,

hey, give this guy off, give this guy Christmas off. And how about a little bump? That's not going to work. So, I mean, look, the Irish came to this country. The Chinese came to this country, laid down railroad tracks seven days a week. And look at them now. Now they got laundromats. They talk about this.

How should we balance our concern for these men with the risk of putting them in the crosshairs? Well, what about these women that work at these massage parlors? giving out the happy endings and then the cops bust it and they arrest the women like how about the guys why are you going after the women they've got no money

coupon coupon is that what you yelled yes I have a coupon hold on let me find the other some other ones here we go my sister insists that she cannot work should I pay her bills

I want to help but I work my financial support may enable her rather than help her. I mean, I think I'd need some details. Is it medically related? Is she incapable of work? If she's just lazy, then I think you're enabling her. But if she's got a condition that keeps her from working, then of course she should support her. She's nearing the end of a brutal divorce and is struggling financially and emotionally.

During the divorce, we learned that she had misrepresented her employment for more than a decade to her spouse and to her family. She has not worked for years and is now thousands of dollars in debt from legal fees and years without income. Yeah, she's on her own. I mean, you can loan her some money, but you got to understand when you loan somebody money like that, you're not getting back. But it's better to call it a loan, you know? Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Then you can hang it over their head and they'll do thanks for you. All right.

Last one. My awful mother is getting Alzheimer's. What do I owe? What do I owe her? And then the subheadline is, the thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. This is the New York Times. Well, you know, it depends. Does this person have money for a nursing home?

That's the question. because you got to love somebody a lot to care for them when they have Alzheimer's, because they're constantly forgetting who you are, and then you start to, then it gets existential. You can sometimes forget who you are when they don't remember who you are, and it becomes kind of like a cycle. This is interesting. I'm going to read it. You're adding? I am the eldest of three middle-aged siblings and by far the most stable. Our parents divorced when we were young, and both,

were neglectful and emotionally abusive. My mother once kicked me out at 17 because her boyfriend told her to choose between him and me. My siblings have always been closer to her and she has always favored them. In my 30s, I managed to establish a distant but civil relationship with both parents. I see my mother about once every two years

and speak to her regularly, speak to her roughly once a month. Now in her 80s, my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer's. Her husband recently told me that if he dies first, I will be responsible for her care. I don't think I can do it. The thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. My siblings are unlikely to help. Since that conversation almost a year ago, I have thought about this every day. What, if anything, do I owe my mother?

I don't know. I mean, the thing is, homeless services are so good right now. Like, you can get three hot meals a day and a bed to sleep. in, you know. For a dementia person? Yeah, she'll be okay. Just turn around on the street. Well, if you're good to her or you're bad to her,

she's not going to remember either. Right. So that makes the choice a little easier. Yeah, I mean, my friend, sneaky Pete growing up, he was one of my best friends. And I used to sleep over his house. like at least a couple nights a week. I slept over there.

They had a pool table. Parents let us drink beer. Oh, my God. He had like six siblings. It was just a party all the time. And anyway, he had a grandmother who had Alzheimer's, like bad. Like, didn't know who we were, didn't know who her son was. They were her beers.

And, no, she drank beer with us. She used to drink beer. And they literally just let her live in the house. Like there was no caretaker. Both parents worked. She was alone all day, every day. And me and Pete will be around. And we'd talk to her and we'd hang out with her.

But then we'd leave. And she'd just be home alone in a bathrobe all the time. Yeah. Absolutely. I look back on that. I think that I didn't even know what dementia was back then or, you know, Alzheimer's. I just knew that his grandmother had no idea who anybody was. Louis C.K.'s new special on Netflix, I highly recommend.

Very good. It's not his best of all time, but there are some real high points. And anyway, one is a routine on putting your parent in a home. And it's very, very good. Yeah. They just take them. They just take them. Like, yeah. So that's what this, that's what has to happen here. She probably can't afford a home, though. Something like that has to happen. Yeah, one of the lines was like, when I visit him, well, I mean, once. There's also, it's been said a few ways that are very, very funny, but that how good security is there, like with, you know, the gate and the guards out front.

And it's like, wow, this place, you know, is so secure. you must feel like, you know, all this security is great, you know, keeping, keeping out anyone that would want to come in. He's like, yeah, that might not be, that might not be what the security is for. It might be keeping them in. Yeah. No, he shows up and they're like, do you know where my mother is? I don't know. Just fucking talk to anybody.

They have no idea who you are. You know what I like about the special is it's not, I mean, he's always been very dressed down, like literally dressed down. You know, he wears shitty clothes on stage. There's no fancy backdrop. It's a blue velvet curtain. There's footlights. There's no intro. He just literally walks on stage, does an hour.

No standing ovation at the end, which you can control that. Right. You can juice the crowd to give you a standing O. But I don't think he wants that. That wasn't the energy he was going. He wasn't going for a kill. Like sometimes I feel like, killing at the end has kind of become hacky.

Like, oh, you're going to trick him into a big finale like you're a fucking acrobat or something? Yeah, or like someone like, I mean, separate the guy now, but Cosby used to have an artful way of bringing it all back to closure and sewing up material he had done earlier, like in a very, in a very well- orchestrated finish. Right. but it's very there's hard jokes

there's a lot of hard jokes but it's mixed in with just musings very philosophies like very Woody Allen in some ways yeah like there's a piece that's a it's an act out where he's in a movie theater

and he's talking about what it's like to leave a movie theater in the middle of the movie and it was so Woody Allen yeah I forgot about that one yeah I have to watch it again also because I remember thinking during it I'm like oh my god that is like that a lot of people

won't like that that was pretty edgy there's some very very edgy things in it for sure all right let's speak in edgy let's get to entertainment all righty in the news ellen degenerous was not i repeat not invited to taylor swift and travis kelsey's wedding despite swift appearing on degenerous the show 19 times. Wow. The talk show host was surprisingly left off the massive guest list for their star-studded ceremony in Manhattan. Well, in Taylor's defense, there were only 1,200 guests invited. So you got to make a cut somewhere. You know what's weird is I know nothing.

I didn't follow up. I had no interest. Were there any, was it pretty private or is like, Has it been taken apart and dissected by everybody? I have no idea. I really don't follow it. Was there entertainment? Was there a funny toast?

What happened at it? I bet Jeff Ross performed. Was Jeff Ross there? No, but that's the kind of thing you'd find out that Jeff gave a toast at, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Dakota Johnson was invited. What does that mean? You don't remember there was a big incident between Ellen and Dakota Johnson where Dakota was on the show and she told Ellen, yeah, I was at my 40th birthday party and blah, blah, blah, and Ellen went, I wasn't invited.

And Dakota said, no, you were invited. Oh, right. And she goes, no, I wasn't. She's like, no, you definitely were. And Ellen did not look good in that one. I mean, look, in Taylor's defense, I bet she was afraid Ellen would want to make a toast and do 40 minutes on muffins. And tops. You know when you walk into a screen door and you pretend you did it on purpose?

Yeah. I have an owl outside my window. Yeah. Is you okay over there? I need to blow my nose. I have some irritant. I have nothing to blow my nose with them. No, we're good.

Jesus. Oh, I found something. Here we go, everybody. Don't worry about it. Nice. A tickle in my nose, a little tickle. Okay. Crinkle, let's make America, Florida.

Florida man fights off alligator using fishing pole in wild struggle. No gator's going to run, or no gator's going to, what is it? Run me out. No gator is going to run me off. That's what the, that's literally in the headline. 71 year old James Grayson, Mick, Mick, Mick, Mick, Macon. God damn. make this hard to read. But anyway, he sounds just like I just did his voice. He was trying to fish

outside his Fort Myers home with his bulldog in a canal when the thing jumped out of the water and bit down on his leg. I started reeling. It jumped out of the water and grabbed me. He rolled me down off the bank into the water. I stuck my thumb in one eye. I just took that fishing pole and jabbed him in that other eye and jabbed him and jabbed him, he recalled. But it was his bulldog that helped him survive the whole thing. I'd have never made it crawling this far. So I called my dog over. He recalled. The dog must have been like, what? I'm busy. I'm trying to fucking, you know, bite this other thing over here. She stood there and let me get up on her back to where I could get stood up. He managed to get himself back to his home before having sat down in his chair

and passed out. Which is, which is, that's where a Florida man, belongs, by the way, passed out in a chair. That's the only place that we're safe from them. I can't believe this guy even lived to give an interview. That interview was something else, though. But I can't believe he didn't get into a death roll if it had a hold of them. Yeah. That's amazing.

Well, I hate to be a Florida man dog, which is another role. There's Florida man and there's Florida man's dog. And think of the shit that you have to do to help out your master when you're a Florida man dog. You're going to get shot. Oh. You're definitely going to eat some methamphetamines by accident. It's not what the dog signed up for. Let's be, I mean, that's very, very clear.

Yeah. All right, we're going to make America, Florida again. This time it's a Florida woman. She pulls a gun on. solicitor near her house quote I will bleeping kill you a woman in Florida was so upset that a pest control solicitor was on her property that she pulled a gun and now she's facing charges she's 62 years old and a salesman you know I'm on her side the salesman was riding a hoverboard and going door to door near her home around 1 p.m. she was driving her SUV approach the salesman

rolled down her window and pointed a handgun at him. If you come back to my house, I will bleeping kill you. Ross allegedly told the salesman, I'll bleep, shoot you. Frightened by the threat, the salesman put his hands in the air and rode away on his stupid little hoverboard, snapping photos of her car as she drove off. He then called police and hid nearby until the officers arrived. Lucky he didn't go fishing with a dog. Yeah. No, I think it doesn't sound like he was a pest control guy. It sounds like he was a pest. This is ridiculous. She's pest control. Rolled up. She wasn't even home. This is preventative.

Yeah. Yeah, door-to-door salespeople, you don't used to get that a lot. Do you remember when we were younger how often somebody would knock on your, not just the people talking about Jesus, but like. Like, you know, realtors would come by and ask if you wanted to sell your house. Water filter people, all that stuff. Water filter, solar panel people. But I feel like it doesn't. I think that having a gun pulled on you started to become more normal. So I think it cut down on the door-to-door sales stuff. There was less divorcees and bathrobes and more lunatics with guns.

Is it because I'm older? I feel it's more invasive. now, like if you knock on my door. Yes. Right? Like, it feels more threatening. Well, because everything's online now. So it's just, it's weird to have any. My mother told me when she was a kid,

they used to bring ice. They used to bring. These are the old people's stories. We're not going to have soon. Go ahead. They used to bring milk. Yep. They used to come by and collect life insurance

once a month and you'd give the guy $3 or whatever it was a lot of your bills were paid to a bill collector who came by the house on a regular basis. Wow. Yeah! Did I ever tell you the story

about the girl selling magazines? It's hard to tell from that description. This is a 100% true story that I'm extremely proud of. When I look back on my life and I think about the good fortune I've had and circumstances that played out nicely. All right, so I'm a comedian.

I've been doing it for about maybe three years. And so I used to, as you know, I used to drive down from Boston to New York about three days a week for like two or three years. I did that every week. I split my week between Boston and New York. And a lot of times I stayed with you and Dan Bickner and Jerry. Oh, yeah.

And then some nights I would stay at my mom. mom's house, which is about a half hour outside the city. So I'm in my mom's house. She's off at work. I'm alone in this house. And this is a nice middle class house in a suburb. Just cranking it to the showcase girls on Price's Right. Janice. Sitting at the table, eating some cereal, doorbell rings. I open it. And it's a girl selling magazines. And she's from the Midwest. It's one of these like pyramid scheme things where they get teenagers to sell magazines. And so I said, I'm sorry, I look at her list of magazines. I go, I'm not really interested in any of these. And she goes, you live here? And I was like, suddenly like I, a light switch when I went, yeah, this is my house. And she goes, wow,

you're young to have a house. I said, well, I'm a comedian. I'm pretty successful. I said, do you want to come in and have some coffee? So I made her some coffee. And we hung out. And then I She goes, can I see your stand-up? Do you have any video? I said, yeah. So we went into the TV room, and I put in like a five-minute set that I had of me doing stand-up. And she was from the Midwest.

So this was a big deal. This is back when nobody was a stand-up comedian. Like that, it was a thing nobody did. Right. Like when she was abducted back home, it wasn't like a star like you who then locked her in a home. It was a pest control guy. Yeah. And so we start to make out on the couch.

And then she goes, I have to go to the bathroom. She went to the bathroom. And then I led her upstairs. I went into my brother's room and I got a condom. And I was having sex with her. And when we finished, she looked at my wallpaper and she goes, why do you have race cars on your wallpaper? I go, I just, I'm a race car guy.

I love Formula One. It was like my childhood wallpaper. It was like we were on a twin bed. And this is supposed to be my house. So she leaves. She leaves. And then like maybe an hour. She had to go meet the bus so they could go to the next part of town.

So about an hour later, I got a call from my buddy Tommy Bucci. And he goes, he goes, you're not going to believe it. But this like pretty hot chick just showed up to my house selling magazines. and I invited her in and, you know, I bought like three magazines and I hit on her, but then she just left. I was like, yeah, I know her. And I didn't buy any magazines. What do you mean? Why do I have race car posters that matches my race car bed that you're in right now?

Oh, my God. That's maybe the greatest thing that, I mean, look, I've had kids. There was great joy in having children. children. The moment I got married was amazing. But that might have been the best moment of my life. That's unbelievable that you converted that. Wow. Yeah. Yep. All right, let's do this day in history. Okay. Crenkel. You just say okay. All right, give her take 400 years. Oh, God. It's Lady Godiva's legendary ride happened on this day. According to legend, Lady Godiva rode horseback naked through the village of Coventry to fulfill an agreement with her husband,

the Earl of America. I didn't know there was America. Oh, sorry, Mershia. M-E-R-C-I-A. What's with your reading skills today? I don't know what's going on today. It's a kingdom in what is now England. I wish it was America.

Anyway, it was to reduce the heavy taxes imposed on their people. Also, part of the legend was this was the first people. Tom. So it's kind of a myth story, but they have a year, give or take 400 years, Greg. When was Lady Godiva's ride? I remember it wasn't part of the myth that she did it and out of respect. Nobody in the town looked. And then one guy did.

And I think they beat him up. They punished him for looking. I don't know if they killed him. Was his name, Tom? Yes, Tom O'Neill. Oh, boy. It was a guy. What year?

What year is this meant? I'm going to go, I mean, look, a big year in English history, Oliver Cromwell and all that was around 1,100. So just because you give me such a wide berth, I'm going to go 1100. You're closer to this than you are other guesses. It's 1040. 60 years. That's it. You did.

That was amazing. Pretty great. Okay. All right. There's two dates. in this story, but it's about the Volkswagen, the beetle, and when it ended production. But it also told us the first model and when it was introduced. So first we're going to do when the Volkswagen Beetle was first introduced, give or take

seven years. Introduced to Germany or introduced to America? Because those are two different dates. True. I think this was first. introduced ever. Okay. Well, it was called the people's car.

That's what Volkswagen means. And it was developed by Hitler. So people have an affordable transportation. So that would have been in 1939. 1938. Nice. Okay. Now, when did Volkswagen end production of the beach?

That's exactly how it's phrased, give or take 10 years. Well, it was very big in the 60s. And then the bug was around until, I'm going to say 1976. 2019. What? Oh, you're talking about the refurbished bug. I don't know. They have a picture of an old red beetle here.

I think there was a gap. I think they ended production in the 70s and then they started it back up again. Give her take five years. When was Russian politician Boris Yelston sworn into office as Russia's first elected president? Well, 91. He was out. So probably 86. Oh, my God.

I shouldn't give it to you. I said five years. But it was 1991. Oh, that's when he came in. How did you get that? Because we were right out of college. And it was the end of, it was glass-nosed. It was the end of the Cold War.

Give or take four years. When did the Rolling Stones top the U.S. charts for the first time with a single called I Can Get No, which is in parentheses, satisfaction? How many years you give me? I'm going to, I'm going to give you. I thought I said four. Can you ever take four years? That's easy. 1964.

1965. Thank you. That's interesting. The three-point seatbelt for cars, but we're not going to do that. Let's end on one. Here we go. Wyoming, we have people that, friends that live there, was admitted as the United States 44th state.

Wow. It was also, you know, they call it the suffragette state. It was the first in the world. That's weird. To grant full voting rights to women as well as allowed in the whole public office. But when you read about that story, the reason they did that is they wanted to give more power to the cities and take it away from the ranchers and the women were in the city. So anyway, what year was Wyoming admitted into the United States as the 44th?

state give or take 20 years all right so the first the 13 colonies were around in uh the mid 17 seven hundreds so early 18 i'm going to say 1861 nope 1890 you gave me 40 years didn't you thought i gave you 20 years oh shit all right well i missed one i got all the other ones very on the other ones, by the way. This was a good day for me. Yeah, you were 60 years away on Lady Godiva. Yeah. Strong move.

All right. All right. Let's move on. Let's get to the funny. Oh, no obituaries. Nobody died? Oh, wait. Someone died yesterday.

Oh. Bonnie Tyler. Oh, really? Total eclipse of the heart. Oh. That's, there was a, there was, there was a, there was a community. in Boston, who was a total hack. He was a guitar comic.

And he used to sing that song. But instead of totally, it's a totally clips of my heart, he would sing, I totally shit when I fart. Oh, really? Yeah. We had a guy who was on, like, Chinese Idol. I don't know if that's what it was called. But when, oh, speaking of George Lopez, back when I was on Lopez's show.

Anyway, it was a real coup. Everyone was trying to book him because he had this amazing voice. And he was one of those like, you know, standout performers on one of these singing shows where you're sent home where you survive. And so we got him. And he comes here. And his big showstopper was total eclipse of the heart. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I forgot who he got to sing with him. Anyway, whatever it was. So I remember then going to his manager and I go, okay, so we have the. songloaded imprompter and he's like what's that? And I go, we have the lyrics, you know, in case he's nervous, his first time on American television. He's like, he can't read English. And I'm like, oh, okay.

But like when he's singing and the manager goes, he has no idea what the song means. He just knows the sounds. I'm like, oh, okay. Well, it'll be it'll be a proctor anyway. She was from, uh, she was Welsh. Oh, Bonnie Tyler. Yeah.

Yeah. Look at. All right. Let's cheer up because that was a rough one. Sure was. Let's get to the funnies and cheer it up. Maybe a paper crinkle.

I mean, you're pretty bad at our high-tech. As you know, every week we have a contest. It's called a comedy caption contest. We give you one frame of a comic strip. You write your punchlines. You send them into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

We select. a handful, we read them, we pick a winner, and we send you. It was we were sending you a coozy, and now we're going to do certificates of achievements with your name on it, and we're going to send that in, right? Yeah, I mean, I like the idea, and it's been already created for us. Yeah. Last week's comic was a judge sitting at the bench, and there is a lawyer talking to him standing next to a man in handcuffs. And Sean from Ontario said, Your Honor, my client only supplied the lube for Mr. Combs.

Okay. Is that just picking a notorious case and applying it to a courtroom? I believe so. Tim Dilley said, Your Honor, my client swears that if he had the coosies, he would have sent the coosies he simply ran out. I'm handcuffed for not sending coosies I don't have. Okay.

Chris Wolf said, your honor, my client was assured his sex robot was at least 18. So what would you have done on this one? What would you have sort of rolled up your sleeves and focused on? Um, I probably would have gone current. I would have taken something out of the news. No, but like he's handcuffed. Isn't that? And the lawyer is kind of gesturing towards.

the handcuffs and there's movement. Yeah. On the cuffed hands. Okay. I mean, my first and you would reject your first impulse would have been like he can't place his hand on the Bible or, you know, that's the bad example, but something like, go ahead. All right. Okay.

Bruce Wise, who did today's, did he do today, he did today's song. Damn, your honor, you bang that gavel almost as hard as I banged. your wife. I mean, it's similar to the song. That's quite an effort. Bruce, thank you. Jim said Florida man versus DEA, Your Honor, makes it legal for him to have a crack pipe.

Okay, Jim. Sonia said, Your Honor, I know he's guilty, but I think you should revoke his red card. All right, all right. Topical. Michael said he opened fire inside a bank. Lawyer said it was a sperm bank. and that's not the type of shooting he did in there. Okay.

This is a tough one. We're learning this is a real tough one. Yeah, it's funny. I never know which ones people are going to struggle with. Sometimes if they're too generic, it's not good. They need something more specific. Yeah. So look, again, we applaud the efforts, you guys, and a lot of these are funny.

Let's pick one. No, let's get back to them. We'll get back to you. guys. Let's do that. We'll get back to them on this. We have a lot of thinking to do on this one. Yeah, yeah.

We're going to run it through the... We're going to have a meeting. We're going to have a podcast meeting on Wednesday about this. Next week's comic is much more specific. There is a snow, let's say, woman laying on her back in a hospital room. There is a delivering surgeon standing at the bottom. bottom of her and then there's a snowman standing over like the happy father. Yeah.

And the doctor is talking to the snow woman who again is laying on her back. Oh, he's talking to them, maybe. Sure. Yeah, talking to them. All right. Okay. Send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gml.com. Do me a favor.

Put your name right underneath your joke. Thank you so much for your concern. All right. let's get to the pros. Hager the Horrible is sitting there with Helga, his wife. The daughter is walking out the door kind of dolled up. She's got on a tight skirt. Her yellow hair is falling off her back.

And she goes, I'm off to the farmer's market. And then Hager says to Helga, I hope she doesn't come home with a farmer. That would be the best case scenario for your daughter walking into town. during the medieval times. That's true. But boy, the comics are challenging today. Yeah. Let's hope the foggorns can, the leghorn, what are their names?

The lockhorns. Lockhorns were strong. There's one. I'll say, I'll say. I'm closing with a really strong one with them. Oh, all right. He's combing his hair. He looks frustrated.

Loretta goes, is parting such sweet sorrow? Okay. Come on. It's a Shakespeare reference in the Sunday paper. Is Shakespeare said that? I got to brush up on it. Yeah, Romeo and Juliet. Oh, right.

Act two scene two, the balcony scene. All right. Leroy is sitting on a chair. Loretta's dressed to go out. He goes, I can't go to your nephew's birthday party, Loretta. I just took some aspirin and the bottle says, keep away from children. That's good.

That's really clever. Yeah. It reminds me a little of David Brenner's joke, which is he went to the bathroom and the restaurant and said employees must watch hands. He's like, but I waited a half hour and no one came to wash my hands. Yeah. They're sitting at dinner with some company. They're holding hands, praying. And then Leroy says, before we eat, we pray for the food where you're about to receive.

afterwards we may not be so grateful I love it all right do we want a little onion yeah let's onion it up here's the onion I like this one this week it is you don't need to see anything it's just a Republican speaking at a lectern and its GOP

allies claim they met with Mitch McConnell inside body bag dude what is going on with that is Mitch McConnell alive So a really funny, let me try to find him. It's one of the representatives, God, I got to remember his name from, he might be, he's either Nashville or Memphis. And he just posted, he was one of the black guys, he's Nashville.

He was one of the black guys kicked out. Oh, no, he could be Memphis. Anyway, he was kicked out famously after the. school shooting because he was one of the ones like we are not continuing business as usual we got to get legislation for our gun problem blah blah blah he was kicked out anyway they are trying to take away his districts i don't know if you you know Tennessee jerrymandered the last district so there's a chance that there's a chance that there's going to be no black representatives it's very very bad in a very black place yeah well yeah especially out of memphis so he goes he goes um he just took the liberty to

He goes, I talked to McConnell this week, I'm happy to say. And he wants to stop this big bill of Trump's. And he says he's sorry. He said he was sorry to me for the racist gerrymandering and redistricting in Tennessee. And he wishes me well in the election. He just made up his conversation. hilarious. Which was, I thought, so funny.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. What is it about being a politician that you don't want to retire ever? You know, I mean, you look at like, what's your name? Who is the Supreme Court Justice? Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Yeah.

Stayed along to go. Joe Biden. Stayed around too long. Mitch McConnell. Like, don't you have tons of money. Don't you want to just fish or play golf or like hang out with your grandchildren? No, I know. It's a tough life.

It's a retirement home. Someone called it. rather accurately, actually. All right, so here we go. Blondie and Dag. Are you looking at this strip? No, I was trying to look up Justin Pearson. All right, let's do it.

All right. So Dagwood has Blondie in his arms. Her arms are around him. There's a kiss sign above their head. And he goes, I'm off to work, hunting. And she goes, bye, dear. Second frame, they are making out. He has his tongue down her throat.

The dog is looking up at them like, are you guys going to fuck? And then she goes, shouldn't you be going with a heart emoji? And he goes, this is worth being late for. Craig, your dream came true, I think. He's closing. Dagwood is closing. Is this even, even the dog is, he's breaking the fourth wall and he's going like, is this really happening? Yeah, the dog's looking at us.

Like, what is going on? Right. Yeah. I mean, part of me is. so proud of him, relieved for her. There's a lot of jealousy going on. I don't know what to feel about this. I think he woke up a little like 4 a.m.

Couldn't get back to sleep. Took too much ambient. And he is in just an altered state right now. This is very unlike them. Yeah. I mean, hopefully they don't have to walk past the kitchen to get up to the bathroom. He's going to blow it.

Really, we should think about how he's going to blow it. Yeah, I should have written the final frame. Don't forget, don't blow it. Get on Kalshi. And if you put in code Soccer 10, you'll get $10 when you start trading with

$10. Also, try miracle.com slash papers and you're going to get yourself 40% off. Thank you guys for listening. And anything you want to plug, Mike? Huh. I don't think

so. I started, I will find you, I think. It's the number two rated show on Netflix in the country. I don't know if I'm recommending it though. It's a little weird. What's it called? I think it's called I will find you. Oh, I got a great one. It's just a three-part documentary series. It's called Kings of Tupelo. And it's Tupelo is where Elvis is from. And it's about, these fucking crazy guys from Mississippi who I'm not even going to tell you what it's about. I'm just going to implore you to check out what's going on in Tupelo, Mississippi. And where does one find this? It's on Netflix.

All right. All right. We'll talk about it next week. Okay, everybody. Have a great week. Take it, Aish. Aye. Sunday, Oleg, Alee, Alee, Aleg, Ate, A, A, Aikers Podcast.

Sunday Sunday a podcast