Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 7/5/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: July 5, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz The World Cup has completely taken over our lives. Greg and Mike dive into nonstop soccer madness, World Cup betting, bizarre fan behavior, Greg's billionaire Hamptons weekend, Chris Brown's latest lawsuit, strange Florida and Mississippi news, North Korea, history trivia, comedy captions, and much more. Greg's Tour Dates :https://www.fitzdog.com Produced by Gotham Production Studioshttps://www.gothamproductionstudios.com Subscribe for new Sunday Papers every week with Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you win a $3,000 a month payday for life, what would you feel free to do? Maybe take a long weekend, every weekend, or try a bunch of new hobbies? Would you feel free to upgrade and listen ad-free? Don't worry, we get it. Every $20 ticket could win you $3,000 a month for life and supports life-saving cancer research at the Princess Margaret. Feel free to buy your payday for life ticket today. Raffle number 155-214.

Please play responsibly. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement. And nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca.

Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. This episode is brought to you by L'Oreal Group. Beauty is a powerful force that moves us. That's why L'Oreal Group has built a business that is inclusive at its heart with 100% of its brands, championing diversity. With 25,000 professional opportunities for people under 30 worldwide and 54% of leading positions held by women, diversity is a strength that helps L'Oreal Group create the best beauty products for all people.

Visit L'Oreal.com to learn more. Here we go. All right. Read on. Second edition. A new location. In a new location. This is the second edition.

I, full disclosure, we have already done about 20 minutes of the podcast. And then my wife. You would have loved our soccer knowledge. You would have just loved it. We're going to get hammered. Basically, we talked about, I really poo-poot it at the beginning. And now I, I have watched every single game for the last week.

I can't get anything done in my life. I'm in love with the Norwegian player, Holland, and obviously we're all pulling for Messi to keep pushing his record forward. But the USA team comes on, and I feel like I'm watching gay porn. I know I'm supposed to get excited. I respect the athleticism, but I don't feel like I do when I want.

The other countries, it's part of their culture. They love soccer. They live it year round. And we can't even name a single player on our team. And yet when we win, crowds are screaming, USA! I know. It's so much less soulful than all the other countries.

They sing songs. They have like beautiful. beautiful songs and dances and fun costumes. And then we sing John Denver. I've been given the opportunity because of technical difficulties to tape back that I said, if USA faces Mexico, there's literally no doubt on my mind. I'm rooting for Mexico. But I'm doubling down.

Here we go. Second attempt to this podcast, and I'm saying it again. I thought you're a porn example. I thought, like, we're going to say, like porn. As soon as the soccer comes on, you just release right in your game. pants. That's what I thought. I thought you were very excited about it. Well, there are hot, sweaty men in there and they're banging bodies against each other. It's just, I'm not feeling it. Well, listen, if you're not into it, anyone listening, we're going to talk about Kalshi in a

minute, and that has been so much of this experience for me. Yes. Under a category called mentions, but we'll get to that. I will get to that. But in the meantime, shout out to our buddy Tom O'Neill who spoke in front of the Senate this week they had a hearing about MK Ultra and he was one of three I don't know why three that woman had no business being on there

experts talking about it and he made he was very persuasive he was very informed and I thought he came out great yeah I've not I've only watched clips It's on YouTube, I imagine. It's on YouTube, but it only has his opening statement.

It doesn't have the Q&A, which I thought actually went way more in depth than was more interesting. The MK Ultra hearings. I don't know exactly what they're called, but you can find them. Yeah, maybe we should put it up on the site. Yeah, let's promise that.

Yeah, there'll be a link up on the site. Yeah, and then we're going to actually do it. But, yeah, what else? Did you watch the end? Jeff Buckley dock, finished the Jeff Buckley dock. You did. All right.

Which I didn't need to finish. There was nothing like it, they were just going, they were really going in terms of what kind of documentary it was, never mind the subject. They were really going, you know, trying to pull the heartstrings the last three minutes. Like they watched the mom listen to his last voice message and cry. And they played, of course, hallelujah. So, you know, the end. was a little disappointing for me. Yeah, but it's also, you know, I thought that he committed suicide where in this, it does,

it doesn't seem like he did. I mean, it's not 100%, but it seems like the guy was just a weirdo who went swimming. I, I mean, based on what you see and based, you know, in the documentary, and then like when you then go down a rabbit hole with Wikipedia and other sources, it doesn't seem like he committed suicide. at all. Like he was, it seemed like he was in a really good place. The only thing that's fishy to me is all the messages he called everybody, including his mom, which they end on that. And it was like, I mean, what a message to her about the I love yous like over and over and over and over again. That's the only thing that's fishy to me is he could have had a grand design. And then he went out

when it felt most, you know, like on a new course. But if this is all new to anybody, there's documentary about Jeff Buckley, and if that's new to you, go listen to an album called Grace, which is just one of the most beautiful albums of all time. And it's a documentary about his life. But that explanation of that channel he went in, which is like some back channel right off the Mississippi in Memphis, where the Army Corps of Engineers purpose, purpose. purposely dug a deep V because they wanted it to pull, they were engineering the flow of this tributary

and to pull debris and stuff down off the shores or something. Anyway, there was a tremendous undertow and he went and fully clothed. Right. So I'm back from New York. That's why we did not have a show last week. I was doing just a ton of other podcasts. I did Bobby Kelly's Bonfire. I did.

We might be drunk with Joe List and Sam Marell. I'm sorry, Mark Norman, Sam Meryl. I did three of my own podcast. Louis C.K. was supposed to come on. He got COVID. How embarrassing is that? Getting COVID in 2026? How did he even know?

I'm surprised he tested for it. Yeah, it was pretty horrendous. I haven't watched this special yet. I'm psyched to do that. I think I might watch it tonight. Oh, yes. I can't wait to watch. I mean, I've seen the material because I opened for him on his tour a little bit.

Right. And so it's amazing material, but I can't wait to see it. That might be more interesting for you to see, like, what stayed, what changed. Right, right. And then I went off to the Hamptons, and I did a show for my friend's 60th birthday party. billionaire friend and smoked Cuban cigars, got massages when I woke up in the morning, played on a private golf course that is literally, there's a Jewish guy in the Hamptons, and he was not allowed into any of the country clubs. And so he said, fuck you. And he built, he bought the land and he built a

golf course. This is how rich this guy is. And he doesn't charge anybody a membership fee, but his friends can play on it. And it is world-class. It is like velvet fairways, undulating hills. I mean, it's one of the nicest courses I've ever played. And here's the best part. He stole the Greenskeeper from Shinnecock,

which is the big club in the next town. No, the best part is he named the club Auschwitz to make everyone uncomfortable out there. We'll show you. Yeah. And then I performed at my friend's birthday party, and I haven't been that nervous for a show in a very long time. Oh, wow.

Well, because it was like all my, it was a bunch of my high school friends, plus 200, Uber wealthy people. And I was staying in my friend's mansion on the ocean and the Hamptons with 20 other people. That's how big the house is. And the show was Thursday night. I was then hanging out Friday and Saturday.

So if I bombed, it would have been dinners, lunches, golf with the guy who bombed. Right. I think you would have snuck out. Oh, I think I would have bailed out. But luckily, it went well, and everybody was very nice to me. And happy birthday, Tom. Also, they probably would not have recognized. You performed in Blackface, which is what the billionaires requested.

And so they wouldn't have even recognized you. I don't know. There was one black guy at the party. and it was Steph Curry's father. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, my God. Who I was shitting on from the stage

and didn't realize it was Steph Curry's father. Good instincts. Shit on the one black guy there. Yeah, right. And then what else? We got a big wedding coming up this week. Were you invited, by the way? I sent a gift.

Taylor Swift and Travis, Madison Square Garden. I guess it's happened. It's happening. Today is Thursday as we're recording this. I think it's happening tomorrow. I don't know. And it's very bizarre. I mean, to me, Madison Square Garden, it seems like the worst idea ever.

Yeah. Well, you know, he's an athlete. He's used to being in an arena and then making some bad choices. Well, if it's like the Knicks, it's going to be an amazing day, and then it'll be 53 years until they feel great again. Yeah. So good luck with that. And they get, and one of the participants leaves, you hear Robinson, Robinson got traded to the Celtics?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah. It's, I know, I haven't even, listen, all I can handle is I'm learning. I'm learning about the World Cup. can't really get into the NBA off-season maneuvers at this point. Yeah. I turn on Sports Center. I'm not a SportsCenter guy, which is clear.

I turn on SportsCenter. It's impossible to make it through that thing. And I know how well done it is. I know it's, and I know they pace it up. It's great. It's a great show. I'm not denying it. When they get into the weeds on the fourth or fifth or sixth person with their commentary

on a Celtics trade. I just can't. No way. No. I'm a fair weather fan, and I'm proud of it. You know, whatever finals are going on, whatever playoffs are going on, I get involved. You know, except for football, which I watch beginning to end. But other sports, I just pick it up.

Yeah, I'll watch the majors in golf. I'll watch the Grand Slams and tennis. Well, on the first recording, I went into it. So today's Sunday when you're hearing this, and that is England versus Mexico. And the chatter I can just can't get enough of, the sports talk I can't get enough of, is everybody talking about how England better like buckle up? I mean, they're going into the Azteca and all these pros are like, That is crazy.

And it's going to be like unbelievable. Well, also what they have to factor in is the last game in Mexico. The Mexicans stood outside. Who did they play? They played a European team. And they stood outside and with noise makers and drums and they kept the other team up all night. No, it was Ecuador. Oh, Ecuador.

Yeah. I thought that was really fucked up. They don't care who they're playing. It's unbelievable. It's so, it's, and here in Los Angeles, it's as you said,

as I think you said this on the other, other podcasts that we attempted this morning. That, uh, we were at Penmar and they, the whole, all the screens, everything,

blaring it in Espennial. I mean, that's what we listened to. Everyone crazy. The songs, it was like such a Mexican crowd. It was amazing. Yeah.

And when they won, it was pretty, exciting, but it's not going to be as exciting as the party at my house on Sunday. But you know what? Come to the first half. We're going to have a barbecue. We'll start early. And then we'll go cruise out on the second half down to Venice Beach where they're going to be showing it on big screens. Oh, man, I don't even think we'll get in there. That's the other thing now is the place we go anyway, Penmore. It's not enjoyable. Like you just have to almost sneak a beer in because the, so when I went to USA game. The line

to get a drink was 40 minutes. Yeah. The first bar. They had other bars in there to, in their defense. They had some other bars in there that were much shorter than that, but nothing was shorter than 20 minutes. And if you want to bring your own wine in, you

can, but they charge you $26 as a corking fee. Still, quite a steal. Yep. Bring a $10 bottle of Trader Joe's wine in there and you're doing fine. All right. Let's get to it. The logo this week is from Bob. It is the, what is that?

Washington crossing the Delaware. Is that that famous painting? Yeah. Is it the Potomac? No, I think it's. I mean, I think it's famously the Delaware, right? It's when, well, the Americans were in New Jersey and they were getting beat up really bad. Things looked awful.

And then in the middle of the night, they got on that boat and they crossed the Delaware. into Philadelphia? Yeah. He led, get this, man. It doesn't look like that many people in the little boat there. He led 2,400 troops in a daring covert crossing of the Ice Choked Delaware River from Bucks County. We got some people we know in Bucks County facing a brutal blizzard. They marched to Trenton, New Jersey and launched a surprise attack that successfully defeated

the Hussein Garrison. Saddam Hussein? Yeah, I know. That guy's everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, and they were battered. They were fucking shoeless at that point. They had already fought the Battle of New York

and they lost. They were fleeing at that point. Here, speaking of the painting, we're showing. Instead of the small rowboat featured in Emmanuel Lutz's famous 1850. painting. The Army used heavy duty flat-bottomed cargo

vessels known as Durham boats and local ferries to haul men, horses, and heavy artillery. The operation lasted 10 hours and pitch black fighting through freezing sleet, heavy snow, and fast-flowing chunks of ice.

God. These are mad. And we're just slamming hot dogs thinking we know what we're doing here. Celebrating this. The song this week is from Bixel, amazing, loved it, goes into the short list of songs we want to rotate in if we ever run out of songs, which we never have. After six years of doing this show, we have never not had an original song or original art, and we thank you guys for that again and again,

and we solicit more. We could use some songs. We always love art like this that's topical if you want to send something in. And no corrections this week. How about that? I mean, is that because we didn't have a show last week? Yes. Oh, I see, I see, I see. I'm a little slow on the uptake.

Tour dates coming up. Oxnard at Levity Live on July 11th, Huntington Beach, at the Mamba on July 12th. Pittsburgh at the Improv, July 24th and 25th. Then I'm coming to St. Pete's in August 14, 15. Cincinnati and Columbus in August. Then I'm coming to Vancouver, La Jolla. Go to Fitzdog.com.

Get some tickets. Come out and see some live comedy. Give yourself a treat. Also, shout out, as always, to Gotham Production Studios who does an amazing job on this show. Matt Peters, thank you. Thank you.

All right, let's get to it. Here's something we're more excited about, really than any story in our script today. Listen, I'm excited about sheets with the NASA technology and all that, but I have to confess, I'm equally if not more excited about this. I am all over Kalshi these few weeks. Is it Kalshi or Kalshi? Kalshi. I don't even care. I like Kalshi sounds like a serial. I guess it's Kalshi.

I don't know. But I just placed predictions three minutes before we started on the Spain game. So it's old news for you listeners. But I need them to say the word, Paley. And they didn't say it yesterday. And here's the thing. You can go to mentions under Kalshi. And you can predict what words they're going to say. Paley's record was surpassed by Kane on England.

And no one mentioned it in the two following games. So I did not do well with that prediction, but I did well with handball. And I did well with penalty kit. yesterday well first of all calsh is the largest prediction market in the united states uh you can you can predict these are not here's the thing you're not playing against the house you're trading directly against other people so when you buy like a yes or a no contract on whether something's going to happen it's it's kind of like buying a stock and the price is moved based on what other people think are going to happen.

And yesterday, I hit on three, which was they said crossbar, they said penalty kick, and they said handball, all in one game. So I hit on all of those. You can see, whoops, I turned it off, but I have penalty kick. Here, I'm trying to cover my, I have a penalty kick. And if they say either Pele or Maradona. I'm also very well. I'm predicting France to win, which pays me 1.5 back. I have France going all the way.

That will pay me 1.5%. I have Venezuela going to the finals. That'll pay me like 4 to 1. And it just gets you into the games. It's so exciting to be checking it. You know, watching my account grow. I started with 100. I'm over 400 right now

just on World Cup plays. I can't believe the mentions don't happen more than they do because they have to fill two hours basically. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, I guess it needs to hit the crossbar.

But I mean, if I was an announcer, I'd be like, oh, so it went three feet over the crossbar. Yeah. It doesn't have to hit it. Come on. Also, can you refer to earlier games? Sometimes it hits it and they go, it hit the bar.

And you're like, no! Well, here's my strategy and take it from me. It's not working. But if something happens, if a crossbar or penalty kick happens in a previous game, I load up on it for the next game. Because I'm like, aren't you going to refer to the previous game? Yeah, right, right. It doesn't even have to happen in the current game.

Yeah, like Messi got a hat trick, so there's a good chance they're going to say hat trick in the next game, supposedly. Right. But the great thing is you can do it here in California. You can do it in Texas, like places where you can't get involved in predictions in other states. So download the Kalshi app and use code soccer, 10, the number 10, to get $10 when you trade $10. or it just held head to calshy k-a-l-s-h-i dot com forward slash r forward slash soccer 10 and the code will already be applied that's calci K-A-L-S-H-I trade what's next have you ever predicted the word nutmeg they said it and two games ago I know

yeah I know I didn't even know what they were talking about I guess it's when you kick it between the guy's legs? Yes, that's a nutmeg. All right. I mean, because it's nut adjacent. I don't even know. What do we got? Do we got paper?

Yeah, what do we got? I got some paper. It's my Merrill Lynch monthly statement, which is filled with errors I have to check on. A pair of kissing Daredevil scaled the Empire State Building's 1,400-foot antenna in a cringe Instagram stunt before getting arrested.

Angela Nicolao 33 and her beau Ivan Vanya Birkus were carrying a banner reading, quote, When the power of love beats the love of power the world knows peace. I love these guys. After lingering at the top of the tower

for 30 minutes, they made their way down to the viewing platform. He dropped to one knee and proposed. She was wearing a black cat mask with a ring she later flaunted on Instagram. The couple who live in East Orange, New Jersey, was taken into custody upon reaching the ground

and charges against them were pending. They allegedly breached a mesh gate on the 102nd second floor to reach it, which is usually used for maintenance. So I guess police became worried the two would jump when they learned they live in Orange, New Jersey. I think he took a knee and got tamedousy.

I mean, that's what I'm guessing. You had to be right after it. Which I think should happen in all marriage proposals. I think if you go down on one knee, you should get tased. What is the one knee bullshit? What does that even mean? It's so like medieval. It is medieval.

You're right. Like I'm going to go beneath you. I'm going to, I'm going to. Oh, it's all respect. It's all, yes. I'm at your service. I beseech you. Yeah.

So their honeymoon, it's great because they wanted to go to an island. So it's an exotic island called Rikers. Yeah. Yeah. So their dream came true. Oh, my God. You can, when you're laying in bed, you can hear, you can hear the water splashing against the rocks and the insane people screaming about how they're innocent. She threw a bouquet and it killed a Korean woman, 102 floors below.

I don't want to really say the Korean woman is lucky, but she did sort of catch the bouquet. Yeah. I mean, I was trying to think of the New York Post headline that they put for this. What about Ring Kong? That's a good post headline. That's a good post headline. Usually people put their lives in danger after they get married, not before.

Yeah. You want me to read this one? Yeah. Measles only needs a small. opening and it got one. For the second year in a row, cases of measles known as the world's most infectious disease, I didn't know that, will hit record highs and 2026 is on track to be substantially worse than last year. In a matter of weeks, we're likely to blow past last year's total, hitting the highest number of cases in 35 years. Quote, this is a major public health

warning sign. As of June 25th, there have been 2,135 confirmed cases. this year in the U.S. Oh, oh. Well, make America great again. You know, let's go back. Let's go back to when it was great when you died of measles and black lung disease

because we were mining coal and plane crashes because now we've defunded the FAA. Civil Wars. Let's go back to civil wars. That's a good one. In defense of measles, don't we all just need a small opening?

That's what I thought when I read the head. line. Also, these diseases, I looked up like old school, like as you said it, like we're going back, making it great again. The plague, of course, leprosy. Then I found one called King's Evil. And that's historically referred to as scrofula, a form of tuberculosis affecting the lymph nodes in the neck. It's called King's Evil. That seems appropriate. That's making America great again. Let's bring back King's Evil. Oh, any, yeah, any kind of a lymph node thing is, you know, those are fun because you don't know, is it a deer tick? Instead of kids doing circle, circle, dot, dot in the playground to get vaccinations. Now, circle, circle dot, now I got the kootie shot. Remember that? No, I don't remember that at all. You don't remember that?

Yeah, yeah, you'd make two circles on somebody's shoulder and you go circle, circle, dot, dot, dot. Now I got the cootie shot. And now they... I grew up in Eastchester. We were playing Smear the Queer. So we didn't have time. Now they play a game called Neil, Neal, Pray, Pray.

Now I'm at my sister's grave. Oh. Yeah. It's catchy. I know. All right. What do we got? Ethical question.

It's a light show today, folks. We are already at ethical question. Where's your crunch? Let's get a crunch It's a different section, bro So, all right, it's my ethical question for you And I will ask you this as a head writer You are writing for a celebrity

Okay He's your boss She maybe is your boss And that person Has a joke for the monologue that night That you recognize as Somebody else's Yeah

Maybe it's Chuck Sclerus from his stand-up act. And this host then says, you tell the host. And they say, well, that's all right. He's a different person than me. I'll make mine a little bit different.

What do you do? It's happened before. And I express dismay. I don't know if that's the strong enough word. But I very respectfully let my opinion be heard. I've also been on late night shows where it was fake, kind of, like whether they would, I'm trying to watch what I say, where they would maybe reverse engineer like a letter, like fan mail, right? And I came from the, and you know, Leno did that all time. I came from,

and I was not on Leno. I come from the Letterman's school, which is they had to be real. And you just work harder or you keep looking for real ones that work. And I was an at Letterman in New York so I can't say for sure, but everything I've heard, every syllable was real in those, any interaction with like the fans and fan mail and all that stuff. So that's another one where I wanted to be authentic. But stealing or or doing a joke that's already been done. Like we have a staff. We can we can swap that joke out for an original. And listen, sometimes you do a joke that's similar, but if you know you are, that's the question.

That's different. It's tough. And then sometimes it's not the host. Sometimes the writers will steal a joke. Like I did a joke. I started doing a joke, and I'd been doing it for like six months. And it was about, I said, Muslim women, it's so unfair. You know, they don't even.

get the right to vote, which is so cruel because they're actually dressed as voting booths. Right. And so John Stewart did it. And like word for word. And so I knew his head writer. So I wrote his head writer. I was like, hey man, he goes, John did my fucking joke.

And he's like, oh, a writer pitched that to him. We didn't know. And I said, well, you need to talk to that fucking writer. I mean, that's not a joke. There's parallel writing. Like I can see when two people think of the same concept. But that's a pretty specific joke. I agree.

And I do know writing staffs are desperate. Even if you're in the unit, this is where my uncle would laugh because my uncle is a union. He was Uncle Johnny, you know, was a union man his whole life, a steam fitter in the Bronx. And then he heard about my union, the Writers Guild, where you can be let go every 13 weeks. In fact, there's, it might be easier to let it. writer go because you have to renew their 13 weeks, which requires a piece of paper. I don't think you have to do anything just to not renew them. And my uncle's like, what kind of union is that?

Side note, he always had advice regarding unions. Like as soon as my stepbrother Jeff, my uncle thought he got in the teacher, the New York City Teachers Union because Jeff was starting to substitute teach, which did not get him in the union. But Uncle Johnny for a minute thought he was in the unit. He's like, oh, kid, you got to take a digger on the steps. You just got to fall down a staircase in the school. You're set for life. Oh, my God.

I had an issue when I left Ellen. They tried to, they had just picked me up for my 13 weeks, like two weeks before I left the job. And I won't get into the circumstances of how I. I was fired, but it involved me taking my first day off from work in over two years and coming back the next day and being fired for it because I had to go to a funeral. And so anyway, they tried to not pay me, but the whole idea of the 13 weeks means if you get fired before your 13 weeks, they owe you all that money. And the Writers Guild stepped in and they fought it and warned. brothers fought it and in the end I got all the money. That's great.

And my point was writers are desperate to be picked up. So this writer at The Daily Show was probably panicking, if the writer took your joke, was panicking and really was trying to, you know, get a foothold in there and be picked up for another cycle of 13. Right. Let's get to entertainment. All righty, buddy. Chris Brown, he's back in the news.

He stays in the news. He fights his way. He claws his way to stay in the news. He was ordered to pay his former housekeeper $13 million after she was brutally attacked by his 200-pound dog. Jesus Christ. In 2020, Maria Avia won her lawsuit against the Yo-Krooner, whom she accused of negligence when his Caucasian shepherd ripped out large chunks of her skin and deformed her face in Tarzana. Avia, who was taking out the trash when she was attacked, also suffered an arm injury and now has mobility issues.

Brown 37 explained how he found Avia motionless and in a lot of blood after being mauled. Quote, the blood kind of freaked me out, he told the jury, admitting that he left the scene before first. responders arrived per the alleged advice of his manager. Oh. A V was taking out the trash when the incident occurred. Brown claimed he wanted to avoid causing a media frenzy or his voice being heard on a 9-11 call. He also argued that the attack was Avia's fault after she was warned about the dogs and told to go outside only when escorted by security. Oh, no.

So Brown said he will not get rid of it. the dog because he gets too much pleasure out of knowing he owns a Caucasian. Oh, the blood kind of freaked me out. Also, the toilets were not cleaned, which freaked me out. I was very freaked out when I got home. Yeah, my egg salad sandwich was sitting in the fridge.

Well played by Chris Brown, though. Why didn't he blame the dog for attacking Rihanna? There it is. That's it. But Stephen Miller reached out to the dog about joining ICE. It's very effective. Yeah, that's, I mean, I went to, I went to his Wikipedia page because I knew about the Rihanna thing and I was curious if that was like an isolated bad behavior incident. This guy is like, he's like TI, just a life of crime after crime. and a lot of violence.

And he grew up, apparently he grew up and his stepfather beat his mom really badly. And then tried to shoot himself and went blind in one eye and then got more violence and used to beat his mom like every night. So it's like, so it's good to see that he dealt with his past by recreating it. Yikes. Yeah.

The Rihanna thing. I do not know what I'm talking about but I have heard I couldn't make this up that and this does not excuse it I'm not saying any of that I'm just talking about rumors one rumor was that she gave him herpes really

and he freaked out yeah you don't give somebody herpes you share herpes I it is a gift that keeps on giving I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm going to look it up on Kalshi, this rumor. Let's predict whether the rumor is true or not.

All right, it's time to make a New York of Florida, y'all. Okay, let's do it. All right. On June 24th, deputies with the Nassau County Sheriff's Office reported to a single vehicle crash. A witness told deputies that the driver left the scene and went to a nearby residence. Body cam video shows a white pickup truck at an angle in the grass on the side of the road. Deputies saw the driver return to the crash site driving a tractor.

The driver stated he was taking, talking to a friend on the phone, was not paying attention, did not know how the crash occurred. Investigators said when they searched the pickup truck, they found a 15 pack of cold beer alongside multiple open containers on the floor board. Deputies informed the driver that operating any motor vehicle in Florida, roadways while impaired constitutes a DUI prompting the driver to respond that he did not know that. They then gave him drunk like what you would call it field sobriety tests and he failed them miserably and they put him in cuffs off of his tractor. I mean, if that's true, if the DUI is a real thing, why do they sell beer at a gas station? And why does a cooler fit perfect?

perfectly in my passenger seat. Explain that. That was my buddy, Jack. A UVM, they were all, Jack was given a mobile card, like a mobile card. I guess it was a credit card, but it was only good at mobile from his dad

to, if he needed a gas, like to drive home for weekends or whatever it was. And the mobile station sold beer. Not only beer, I think they said those Jenny, balls, what are, they're like mini kegs of Genesee. And that was their ticket.

He never drove the car because he had to save all the credit for beer. Hilarious. Yeah. You're right. Gas stations sell beer. And by the way, a 15 pack. I thought it was, isn't it normally a 12 pack? Is it in Florida, the extra three to make sure you can get over that 1.5 alcohol level?

You got to get it done, man. You're in Florida. Damn. I wonder if condoms condoms come with they come empty in Florida condom wrappers. Why? Why is that? Because they don't use protection.

Oh, but you just buy the wrapper? Yeah. Oh, okay. You know, the first time I heard about somebody that's a true story. One of my best friends out growing up in West Hampton, it should have been a sign. We called him Doug the drug. But anyway, Doug got arrested and a DUI on a moped.

And he was doing that so he wouldn't drive drunk. Yeah. And I remember that was the first time I ever heard of something like that. I'm like, that is so wrong. Like, let the buzzed guy on a moped. Just give him a warning, pull him over. He's not going to take out a family in a car. I guarantee nine out of ten people that are,

on scooters or electric bikes at night are drunk. Oh, absolutely. If you're on one of these scooters on the street here whipping around at night, you are definitely buzzed. Yeah, I remember, I had a moped. When I was, when I turned 14, I bought a Honda Express moped. It lasts forever. It was like 50 cc's.

You couldn't kill it. You could not kill it. And I took mescaline one day while I was at, in Rye, because I was in detention. I read the detention for high school. I had, they used to give a Saturday detention. Like regular detention was before school. So I had to be at school at like 7 a.m. Coming from Tari Town, so I had to leave at like 5.30 a.m.

And then if you missed, if you were late and you missed your morning detention, you had to come Saturday from 9 to 12. And so I left, I took Masculin around 1130 and I got on my moped. And it's a good, like, it's a good, like, it's. 15 miles. I cannot believe you drove all that way. Yeah, all the way through white plains, back roads. And I just remember it was sunny out and I was just, I was serpentining back and forth. And I went up to Rockwood State Park where we usually hung out on Saturdays and drank beer, played Frisbee, tried to get to second base. It's funny. Saturday detention is

where I met one of my lifelong friends, you know Joe Tenetti. And it was, Tarrytown. It was so far from my house. And so my mom was pissed. And then she shows up. And then she sees another furious mom. That's Joe's mom. We had to get those little poles with the nails on the end to pick up garbage. That's what we did all over that campus in Tarryton. And our two angry moms hung out. And I am still in touch with that. That was eighth grade and I'm still in touch with Joe today. Of course. I mean, I just saw him in New York.

Amazing. Yeah, it's perfect. That's why breakfast club was the perfect fucking movie. It was so great. Yeah, I didn't know public schools could do Saturday detention. Yeah. I never even put that together with Breakfast Club. I thought that was just an elitist thing.

Yeah. What's going on in Mississippi? You need a crinkle, Greg. Do you not know how this works? I'm so used to you doing it. New section. Make America, Mississippi. By the way, I say by the way, that's a resolution.

I'm going to say by the way less. In looking for these stories, Florida, it's layups. I have my choice of stories. I put in, I wound up in Mississippi because I put in Texas man, Texas woman, Kentucky man, Kentucky woman, Alabama man, Alabama woman. every story was so dark. I couldn't use them. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, then I tried Mississippi. A Horn Lake Mississippi man pleaded guilty and was convicted Wednesday. So this is, with that said, this is what I landed on. A Horn Lake Mississippi man pleaded guilty and was convicted Wednesday of engaging in sexual acts with a dog. The headline was, Mississippi man convicted of unnatural intercourse. with family dog. He's 27. He entered a plea

to one count of unnatural intercourse. The Horn Lake Police Department says it began an investigation after his then-girlfriend discovered video of the sex acts on his phone and reported it to the police.

Funny little details. She's dating the dog. The dog has a phone. I don't know how any of that worked. The guy is barred by a court order from any further contact with the dog. a great Pyrenees Labrador mix named Toby.

Well, they didn't mention till the end that it's a great Pyrenees lab mix. I mean, good luck being home alone with one of those beauties and not throwing a move. They present when you pet them. I want to see pay-per-view. This guy try to have sex with Chris Brown's dog. Oh. That's what I'd like to see. That should be his punishment.

Yeah. Look, most of our relationships with dogs is foreplay. You know, you walk up, you do baby talk, you rub their head, they roll over, you rub their belly, you make cooing noises. I mean, it's a fine line in Mississippi when you've had a 15-pack. By the way, I love that they specifically say that it was unnatural. Unnatural intercourse And it's because it was a male dog Is that why it's unnatural?

Atosh point O, the first show ever We had a great clip which was This pit bull mounting another pit bull And humping it and humping it And it was like in a park And literally that video was in it was in the pilot And then we put it in the first episode Once we got picked up

And it was as it's humping the dog, you see that it's mounted a male dog. The male pit bull has mounted a male putball. And as it's, it's humping it, it throws up on its back. And we're like, we're like pit bulls are like rappers. Even if they're gay, they're disgusted by it. Yeah. It was crazy. By the way, is the word unnatural needed in the phrase unnatural intercourse with family dog? Right, right. Can you just put intercourse with family dog and we'll get the unnatural part?

Yeah. I mean, it seems like if you're going to have sex with a dog, not the family dog. Get a side dog. Right. Yeah, a little side piece. Yeah. And maybe one of those lab dogs. You know, like a doodle, a labradoodle, something that came out of like a petri dish.

Yeah. To make it truly unnatural. Right. All right. Let's get to international. All right, international. You have to crinkle. Yeah.

North Korea is carrying out, this is amazing because you never get news out of North Korea because it's just locked down. But some people like escaped and gave this story. North Korea is carrying out arbitrary and brutally disproportionate punitive. including executions against citizens caught watching South Korean TV shows and other foreign media. Amnesty International reports. Based on interviews with 25 North Korean escapees, the report documents a system in which secret consumption of South Korean dramas and films is widespread, but the consequences ranging from public humiliation and years in labor camps to execution. vary depending on wealth and connections. So watching Squid Games is literally like playing a squid game.

I had the same rules and punishments in my house when I caught my girls watching. Sex in the City, Grey's Anatomy or Gilmore Girls. Any of those three and it was corporal punishment. Yeah. And it varied depending on how much wealth they had and connections. I'm not having a house where they're listening to. to whining victim women who are doing quite well and do not need to be complaining for an hour.

Girls or sex in the city? No, Gray's Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City. It's just chock full of whiny complaining women who are doing great. Yeah. Yep. That's all. And also, it's really the puns.

I didn't want them to be exposed to such horrible attempts at humor. in all three. Oh, well, then throw in, what was the one that was all puns? I mean, sex in the city. Two broke girls. Two broke girls. Throw that in there. Crazy.

Well, you know, while I think this is horrific, I would like to personally punch anyone in the face wearing a K-pop t-shirt. Oh, okay. Yeah. I like that. Have you seen K-pop? Oh my God, I think they said Pele. There you go.

I did well. Okay, what are we got? Have you seen K-pop? What do you mean K-pop? The genre? Yeah. Yeah, of course I've seen K-pop. What do you think of it?

BTS and all that? Yeah. It's not as offensive to me as Taylor Swift. I feel the same way. Yeah. It's not that bad to me. I don't even know why I said that. I don't understand it, but, uh, you people, people are all in there singing along.

I'm a mad. And also pretty charismatic, especially that BTS guy, pretty charismatic performers for sure. Yep. Um, but by the way, the Korean team, when the Korean team got knocked out of the, uh, World Cup, they came home and there was crowds of people at the airport jeering and booing them and throwing stuff. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was brutal. And then the coach, the coach, like, fired himself in shame. It's bad. I was worried about some of those Japanese players. Like, it was very heartfelt.

They stayed out there. They bowed. They thanked all their fans. Yeah. And, you know, all of them are, like, are boxing each other out to take the blame. It's that, you know, like, and I'm just, I hope they're, I hope none of them do something stupid. because boy, does that country feel shame. Yeah.

Meanwhile, Jets fans, they just keep showing up. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Didn't I send that to you? That was an amazing. It wasn't the onion, but it should have. It wouldn't be the onion because it's not a joke. But I think I sent it to, hold on, I'm going to find it.

It's worth it. Where are we? Here we go. It is. Here we go. It's about the Jets. Oh, shit. Anyway, the, I forget which team has like one of the soccer teams has more wins in MetLife Stadium than the Jets did last season.

It's truly hard to believe. It's crazy. That's great. Oh, the French. The French national team. I don't know why it's not showing me this one. Oh, here it is. With their wins over Sweden and Senegal, the French national team has as many wins at MetLife Stadium in the World Club Cup as the New York Jets did in the 2025 NFL season.

That's perfect. Yeah. So we got, all right, for Spain versus Australia, I've got crossbar and handball. So we'll see if that comes up. All right, science and tech. Let's do a quick science and tech. All right, do it. Researchers have uncovered a compelling connection between the shingles vaccine

and reduced risk of dementia. So the foundation for these findings came from a singles vaccine program that allowed residents age 79 and older to receive the vaccine, creating distinct groups of vaccine eligible and vaccine ineligible, individuals based purely on birth date. So I guess what they're saying is people dumb enough to not get vaccines are about to get even dumber. Yeah.

It's crazy. Have you gotten the shingles? Well, so I wrote this here. I truly couldn't remember if I got the second shot. So I think it's too late because my memory. also shot. But I then did remember, but that's even interesting. So what happened was I went for a checkup or whatever, and I love my general guy, also especially because he's free under my union thing. And he's like, oh, you're due for the second one. I did not remember getting the first one.

And that was the year earlier. And he goes, the vaccine, the, the shingles vaccine is two shots. And a lot of times you just do it the next year. So anyway, I'm like, yeah, whatever. All right, great. So he gave me the shingles vaccine shot. And then I left and all that. Around 1 a.m., I woke up shivering, so freezing with like a fever. And it was one of those where I'm under the covers, breathing under it to try to warm it up. And there was like another blanket, like in a closet, like across the room. too cold. Too cold to get up and go get that. And by the time I woke up in the morning, like everything was fine. But he warned me, which I forgot that, hey, some people on the second shot especially have a reaction, but it doesn't last long at all. Yeah, I had no reaction

on the first shot. Second shot, I had like a three-day low-grade flu, nothing horrible, but way, way stronger than the first shot. I guess I'll take mine. I had a short spike. But they say that actually means it's working. Done. Maybe my dementia. That's why I remember it. Now I remember everything. Speaking of remembering, let's go to this day in history.

There you go. All right. Lay it on me. Yeah, I got to find it, bro. Hold on. Here we go. Things happened. Things happened on this day.

Oh, yeah? I'm not going to talk to you about the Canadian cod fishery collapse because I don't think you'll get that. But I am going to talk to you about. Well, Ely Wysel. Did you ever take a class with Ely Wiesel? I did not. He was a professor at Boston University, Holocaust survivor, great author.

Won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986. All right, we're going to skip him. We just gave him his shoutouts. That's good. American actor James Stewart, he died. I'm going to give you a clue here. At the age of 89, in what year, give her takes six years? All right, it's a wonderful life came out.

Was that black and white? No, that was color. Oh, my God. It was black and white. Was it black and white? Was it both? No, but it was black and white. All right, so the edge of black and white was like 19, what, 40, five?

So he would have been 25. He was born in 1920. 79 years would be... The 80 died at 89. Oh, my goodness. So 90 years after 20, 2009, I'm going to say. Good for you. He died in 1997.

Did I get it? No, no, I didn't get it. He died in 1997. All right. So he was older and this is Wonderful Life than I thought. Yeah, but that's interesting because... I guess 25. He had just returned from the war.

Oh, right. need that movie. Right. So he shouldn't have been much more than 25. I don't know. Maybe I've got the year of the movie wrong. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, how come my math is failing thinking about that?

I'm sure we're frustrating listeners who are doing the math perfectly. But that seems like it would have been later. Anyway, are you Googling how old he was when he made the movie? It's a Wonderful Life was made in 1946, which is exactly what I predicted. No, I know. And he had just gotten back from the war. So even if you put even if you put him at 30 That

He was born in 1908 He ought to be 40 Oh no no no in 1908 So he was 35 He was 38 when he made that movie So he couldn't have been right back to the war What was he doing in the war at 37? I don't know

That's what's throwing me off All right This is the most interesting this day in history ever. Okay. The United States first issued the Susan B. Anthony Dollar, which we play with a lot in golf, making Anthony the first woman to be depicted on U.S. currency. What year did the Susan B. Anthony Dollar debut, give or take 10 years? Well, let's see.

women's rights came about in the start in the 50s, stronger in the 60s. So I would say That's a long ramp. Go ahead. I would say 1959. 1979. Women weren't fully human yet in 59. Come on. No. No.

In 79. Okay. All right. American businessman Sam Walton opened the first Walmart which was then known as Wall Hyphen Mart

in Rogers, Arkansas. It was the start of what would become the largest retail sales chain in

the United States. When did the first Walmart open, give or take 10 years? All right,

so he's dead. I think he was old. So he died at 80. I feel like he died 10 years

ago. So 15, 80 from 2015 is 45. I'm going to say he opened it in 1951. I love it. First of all, that was a wild journey you took to get there. But I said, give or take 10 years. It's 1962.

You missed it by a year. Oh, damn it! And I missed it by a year, of course. I mean, you missed it by 11 years. I had him opening his store way younger than he really was, I guess. Amelia Earhart disappeared over the Central Pacific Ocean during her attempt to parallel park. In her attempt to fly around the world,

give her take five years. Oh, my God. When did Amelia Earhart disappear? Jesus. Well, I thought you would do some good math on this. All right. So the first flying was in the 20s, right? Teens to 20s.

She's a woman, so she wouldn't have started it right away. Was it before World War II? Probably not. So I'm going to say 1957. Oh, 1937. Oh, it was before the war. Yeah, no, I thought you were going to get it when you said that. All right, Medgar Evers, you're going to get.

Let's see here. Garfield, you're not going to get. That's James Garfield. I will get him. You think so? Yeah. He was shot on this day, and he died several weeks later. What year was James Garfield shot on this day, give or take?

I mean, what do you want? You tell me, what do you want? I would give you 20 years. All right. Give me 20 years. Oh, Jesus. Boy, you really know it, huh? Yeah.

Okay. All right. I'm going to say it was 1905. 1881. I just watched a TV show based on him. Literally just watched a fucking four-episode series about Garfield. All right, we're going to end on an easy one, but it's going to be give or take two years. Okay.

Back to the Future, starring Michael J. Fox was released in American theaters on this day. In what year, give or take, two years? All right, I graduated high school in 84. I feel like this movie came out right around then. So I'm just going to say 84. I love it. Look at this happy note, 1985. Nice.

Very good. We got one right. Jesus, that was a rough one. I love it. I love it. All right, what else we got? All right, we got letters to the editor. I got a P.

That's what I got. This is a note from Albert Carrado, who says, and I kind of like this, suggestion for prize of winning comedy caption contest. Uh-oh. official Sunday paper certificate of comedy caption contest selection. You have your production company, Gotham, create a certificate that includes the comic, the joke submitted, producer credit,

and signatures from Mike and Greg. Then you've mailed it off to them, and they can frame it, put it on their wall. What do you think? It somehow sounds like more work than the cooosies once you have the coosies. No, it's a great idea. I think it's a great idea.

Well, what if we get it all digitally? Can we discuss it in our shareholder meeting? Yeah, right. Next June. You won't even do a three-minute pre-production meeting for this show without bitching. We keep it fresh. We keep it real. I think we do it all digitally and mail it off.

Why couldn't we email it? That's what I'm saying. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's what digital means. Right, right, right, right. Okay, so you're ignoring this guy with this stamp and envelope. Yeah, yeah, forget that. Because our production company's in New York.

We're in L.A. It'd be impossible. I'm going to let you and the producers discuss it. Okay. Trisha says, I was listening to Mike tell the story. Everything's a lottery ticket. He said, and you have to get lucky so you need as many. And then Greg cut them off.

No shade to. Greg, but I would really love to hear the whole story from Mike. He said that he uses it in his classes at USC. I think I'd like to use it with my clients. Would you revisit that and have Greg shut his yapper long enough from Mike to get through the story. Love you both. Take care, Trisha. Well, Trisha, listen, regarding lottery tickets, it's life and your careers are a lot like lottery tickets. You're not going to win. I think that's what Greg cut me off from saying. So it's just, don't Don't even try. That's what I would tell your clients.

I try to keep to show more positive than that. No, I thought I did finish the thought. But basically what I tell students and everything is, you have to start viewing everything as a lottery ticket. No matter how talented you are, you're also going to have to get lucky. And even if you're very talented, you might get like, you know, an okay job. But if you really want the job, the dream job and all that stuff, you're going to have to get lucky.

And so when you're, should I take that meeting? Yes, it's a lottery ticket. But it's even down to minimal things like I'm kind of tired and I do I want to go out to this. And in our business, it's like go to this open mic night or go to this bar that has a comedy show and meet people at the bar. Going out is a lottery ticket. Every person you meet at the bar is a lottery ticket. Every person you meet on a job is a lottery ticket. Internships.

I tell my daughters, I go, even if you're at a crappy job, I wish I had had a better attitude because everyone there knows who worked hard. And now they're going to be on a new show. And most jobs in entertainment are startups. A startup means it's full panic mode. And you need to win early. And so the boss will ask, does anyone, do you know any good people? We need good people here, reliable, smart. And so if one of your lottery ticket people is working there, you're going to get a call hopefully.

So that's what I meant by that. You have to start viewing it that way and have as many lottery tickets as you can to increase the chances of it paying off. Well, you know who lost the lottery ticket this week? We'll find out in the obituary. Oh, boy. But thank you for writing in, Tricia. Obituary. Oh, man, I saw this one.

Victor Willis, the village people lead singer, the cop, dies at 74. That's a long life for a cop on the front line, I got to say. Yeah. In 1970, he teamed up with the late producers Jacques Morali and Henri Bialolo. I think that's how it is, to create and form the village people embodying the group's cop-admiral. I didn't know about admiral, but cop-slash-admiral, admiral character. Why can I'm having trouble that work. Willis left and returned to the group several times in the years that followed by return for good in 2017.

He was previously married. This is why I put this in there. To Felicia Rashad from 78. I did not know that. From 78 to 82. He remarried in 2007 and is survived by his wife, Karen Huff Willis, an entertainment executive and attorney. What shocks me about the Felicia Rashad is that. that she's around Cosby doing his things not long after,

and a policeman was so close to the man. Oh, he wasn't in character enough. He was only playing the cop. Oh, my God. And then they could have put Cosby in the Navy or locked him up at the YMCA. Yeah. I think if they were going to do this on the news,

it would be lead story tonight, founding member of the village people did not die of AIDS. Oh, boy. Also in the news, he was married to a woman. And final story, he was married previously to another woman. Well, that'll do it for tonight.

Here's the thing. They were gigantic. I mean, it was like many number one hits I think while we were growing up. It was on the radio. constantly. There were dances for, you know, YMCA, obviously, and, you know, Trump is still, that's a whole other part of it. They originally asked Trump to remove it from his campaign trail where they'd be playing it.

And then I imagine some deal happened because then they were okay with it to the point where the village people played, I think, is inauguration. No way. I'm not kidding. Whoa. Which also points to him not being gay, I think. But anyway, you get older and you realize this is the gayest camp band, almost like a joke. I mean, their songs were solid for disco, but like almost like a joke band that would play in the village. And then it got bigger and bigger and bigger.

So I remember asking my mom, like, so the village people. Like when I was, when we were singing along with it as kids and everyone my age, I'm like, Did all of you adults like know, like, this is wild because that is the gayest band ever? And she's like, no. Yeah. And this is like my street smart Bronx mom. Like people just didn't know it was a gay thing. No, Liberace was just a piano player who sang in Vegas.

He was famous because of Vegas. Right. You know? And, you know, that by the way, that was my first concert, the village people. You don't have to say that out loud. And in a public forum like this. I was probably 10. And my dad, who was in radio, if people don't know,

with sometimes emcee events. And he was emceeing a beauty pageant in Long Island. And my whole family went out. We spent the weekend in Long Island. And we watched my father host it. And at the end of the pageant, the village people came out and played like five songs. Incredible.

Yeah. I'm getting live updates. The announcer has said bicycle, soccer, penalty kick, and a pay leg. Did you have all of those? Oh, he also said crossbar, pitch, rams and chargers, and nutmeg. No. Oh, my God. Nutmeg.

Oh, would have been huge. I need handball. That's, that's, I bet crossbar and handball. You bet the only one he hasn't said. I know. One for two. All right. Let's cheer up after this horrible news about the village people with the com,

with the funnies. Let's do it. Every week we play the comedy caption contest where you guys send in your punchlines for one frame of a comic strip that we give you. We choose the ones we like. And then we have the finals and then we pick a winner and then we'll see what happens with the winner. But for now, just send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. Do me a favor, folks.

Put your name directly underneath your punchline. It helps a lot. Thank you so much for your consideration with this. All right. So last week's was a, very simple. There's a boxer. He's sitting on a stool between rounds. He's got a big black guy.

He looks pretty tired. Black guy? Huh? Black guy or I? Black eye. Oh, all right. Although a black guy probably has a black eye as well, right? And a black arm.

Technically, you got it. And so the trainer is talking to him. And what do you guys say? He said, Lane said from Denver, I think your wife won that round. Okay. Jim Walsh said, I'm so proud. of you son you look just like your mother right now a lot of family violence ben said you put your left arm in you put your left arm out you do the hokey pokey and you turn around i don't get that one

but okay i don't either um albert said and the good news i'm fucking the ring girl that's not bad i know that was kenny ingle yeah this one's from albert I just saved 15% on my car insurance. Okay. The coach says, I haven't seen you this beat up since you worked for Ellen. All right. Very personal there.

This last one's horrible. Wade said, good job with the taunting and all, but his name is actually Digger. That's a stretch and not worth it. Do you have somebody mowing you? your lawn or something. Oh, do you hear that? Yeah. Yep, the one day, the one minute they do it outside. Hilarious. All right. Who do you like? I don't know, man. That's a tough one. It sounds like you

liked on the good news I'm fucking the ring. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, you need a little institutional knowledge of famous jokes, but I like that one. Congratulations. Kenny Engel, you are the winner. And we will get a you're going to get a printed out document. Yeah, maybe we're going to send you a certificate. That'd be pretty cool. I like the maybe that you put in there. Next week's comic is very simple. It's a judge and he's sitting at his behind the desk there, his podium.

And there is a lawyer who is speaking to the judge next to a gentleman who is handcuffed. So the lawyer talks to the judge while his. defendant in cuff stands beside him. What did he say? There you go. Let's get to the pros. Hager is standing at court. There's a king who said,

he's talking to another guy. He's talking to a guy in a green coat. And the king, the king says, why did you steal apples from the royal orchard? And the guy says, I was told that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Then the guy goes, he's been seeing my wife. And then Hagger just says, I'm here for the story. So he's eating apples so that the doctor stops

grapes his wife. Is that going to help? I know. I don't get that. The word seeing is obviously used in place of graping. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. Okay.

Lockhorns, we're on fire this week. They're at a cocktail party. Loretta talks to her friend. Leroy can hear her. And she goes, Leroy is leaving his brain to science because every little bit helps A tiny bit

And then Leroy is talking to Leroy is with his friend And Loretta's talking to her friend And she says When Loretta says if I said it once I'll say it again Believe her I see these are you know

They're not big swings but they're better than all the other ones That mail it in And then Leroy is on the phone And he says to Loretta Hold on. I'm being transferred to a different robot. I like that. And then finally, they're inside of a fast food restaurant, and there's one of those electric menus that you order off of.

Very contemporary, yes. He goes, great. They've taken the worst things about drive-through and brought them inside. That's just straight-up commentary. Yep. All right, we got an onion. This was this week. It's pretty funny.

It's a picture of a soccer pitch. It's all you need to know. And it just says report, colon, report. That's enough soccer for now. Yeah, I got to take a break, man. I got to take a break. But Portugal's playing later today. You've got to see if Renaldo can keep the magic going.

Yeah. Let's get to Blondie to wrap it out. Now, these are my favorite ones because they are in bed. And Blondie's reading a book. Dopey has a pillow over his chest. And he goes, honey, do you realize we've never had a pillow fight? And she goes, that's probably because we aren't exactly a pillow fight kind of couple, sweetheart. And then he takes the pillow and he swings it around.

And he goes, oh, come on, grab your pillow and give it your best swing. And then he swings it again. And he goes, too bad, you don't know what you're missing. And then she hits him in the head with a pillow. He falls off the bed. and she goes, oh my God, goodness. And she goes, you were right and I was wrong. Hmm.

All right. You're in bed. A pillow fight with your wife in bed is foreplay. It leads. You hit her a couple times with the pillow. She hits you. You roll around. Next thing you know, you're rubbing genitals.

Instead, this idiot is on the ground in donut pajamas. And she's on all four is on the bed. presenting and he still doesn't get it. I mean, there's two giant pillows right in front of his face. That's right. That's right. Yeah. All right.

Well, listen, Mike and I are going to have a big day with Kalshi or Kalshi, however you want to say. I am. I got to get more in there. If you want to get more in there, you go to Kalshi. It's real simple. Go to the app and use code soccer number 10 to get $10 when you trade $10. Real easy. Also, don't forget, I'll be coming in California this weekend.

Oxnard and Huntington Beach on the 11th and 12th. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yes, go Mexico. All right, there we go. Take it. Enjoy. Take it,ish. There we go.

All right.