Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 8/23/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: August 23, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Go to https://surfshark.com/sunday or use code SUNDAY at checkout to get 4 extra months of Surfshark! Go to https://meetfabric.com/PAPERS and apply today, risk-free. Mike shows up wounded and stitched together after a skin cancer procedure, while Greg tries to offer exactly the amount of sympathy Mike will tolerate. The guys recap a chaotic trip to New York, Meghan and Harry's possible return to Britain, video gamers becoming air traffic controllers, a Penn State cocaine ring, Zuckerberg's massive yacht controversy, the best movies of the 21st century, AI privacy and some deeply disturbing ChatGPT stories. Plus Renee Richards, This Day in History, listener mail, the caption contest and the funnies. Sponsored by Surfshark and Fabric by Gerber Life. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I open up the paper and the news is looking really. Sorry such a drag makes me mad at boiling my... Read it. All right, our second attempt starting the podcast. Remember the New York Post? I mean, there was a reason why people read the Post instead of the New York Times on the subway. The Post was like, it was like a paperback and the New York Times was like a fucking Atlas. So are you waiting for me to give context to this, to the listeners?

That our first attempt at. starting this podcast was about folding the New York Times into quarters to read it on a subway. Yes. And as Matt, our producer said, we really got off cooking there before your internet froze. Why don't we just not talk about newspapers? All right. Let's cut to the chase. Mike has cancer and we were going to announce this more gently.

But let's just people always dance around. He's battling. People always say that. You know, and you can see the exhaustion in your face from the battle. Can you? Well, I can't look up. All right, here's the very, by the way, I don't have cancer. Here's the thing.

I had a patch where something was removed, which I really don't remember what it was, but skin cancer, basil cell, right? And it was a patch that's always been on the base of my neck. Then a new one kind of grew next to it. We biopsy, a very boring story, until yesterday. So then I go in and now what they're going to do is Moe's surgery. So Moe's surgery is a dermatologist. injects you with like topical painkiller,

and then he slices off, very much like deli meat. He slices off a little bit, and then you sit there while they test it and look at it under a microscope. And you sometimes have to wait in the waiting room, and there's a bunch of people in this guy's office all doing the same thing.

One guy yelled out, which made me feel much better. He goes, what's the record? Five? Because I'm on my fifth, like slicing. And so that made me feel. feel good because the first one, he's like, there's still more. There's still more. And I could sense him, like, kind of incredulous. And he's like, all right, I was trying to like spare it, but I'm going to now take a bigger slice. This is on the third one. And see, because it's moving into the

scar I had. Anyway, moving the story along. The fourth one. I think you go back to the newspaper, Chad, at this point. The fourth one, he really took a lot. And so, now, you know, he should go back to the newspaper, Took a lot. And so now here's my bandage, which I thought I was going to leave with one of those little round band-a-dates. You know what I mean? The size of a quarter. Here is my wound. Oh, my God.

And so sometimes- You look like Eric. So the stitches, he had a smash, fucking pull from my neck in my chest. So now I walk around. when I walk around now I look like a guilty person who's just left a room where I did unspeakable things

because my head's down and my eyes are just shifting. You know like I walk out like I don't want it. I don't want anyone to see me. Right. Because I can't really turn to the left or right either. So, but what a fucking surprise. I can't believe I'm sitting here in this state.

You're like Charlie Kirk. Oh, because yeah, yeah, with his love that I shot him. Well, you, I'm, I'm talking. I told you right out of the gate. This is going to help your golf game a lot because you can't pick your head up. Oh, okay. But you said you can't play golf because you can't, I guess you can't move your whole chest around.

No more than that. I can't sweat. I can't. No activity. Oh, no. I couldn't play anyway, but even doctor's orders are, I can't raise my heart rate because I'll bleed out, you know, all this stuff. What? So, and anyway, the guy, because I've been very, you know, lighthearted during it and kind of funny.

I mean, he's kind of a funny guy. So I think he kind of let his guard down because when he was stitching me up, he goes, oh, something about, like it was on there. And he goes, all right. And he looked at it and he looked at it and he looked at it. He's like, how are we going to do this? He's like, God, and he tried to mash my skin together from the sinus. And I'm like, well, I mean, how long is the cut?

And he's like, cut. You have a hole in your chest. And I'm like, what? He goes, you didn't see it? I'm like, what do you mean to see it? You put bandages. You tape me up like a fucking crazy person. Of course I did.

What was I supposed to take it off in the bathroom and just peek under there? Yeah. And then he's like, no, it's like a wide, long hole that is in your fucking chest. And he literally was puzzled like, how are we going to do this? So that's what's pulling on me right now. How long are you going to be like this? Apparently 21 years, he said, I don't know. But, well, I have to, I have to, that's what I just ordered before the podcast.

I have to redress it. I have to take all this off. God. I'm going to see it. Apparently there are staples and stitches and they're not the kind that dissolve. This is where I feel sad for you that you're lonely and you're single because this is when you kind of need somebody to care for you. And I was thinking maybe you should go on Raya and not tell somebody. First of all, if you pick a hottie, she's not going to stick around and redress your wounds.

But if you can pick a sad girl, maybe she's not the thinnest one in the world. She will come over and dress your wounds for you. Does Raya should have a sad girl category? Yes. Were they even self-identify as such? Yes. I did see Courtney Love on there. I bet she's in that category.

Oh, yeah. She's going to take really good care of it. you. Yeah. No, I, you know, that's, that's, that's, all joking aside, that's the funny part is I don't, to a fault, I don't let people in. So people who have asked, like Laura actually was over yesterday because it was a planned thing. So they had no idea what they were walking in you. But everyone was like, Laura's like, oh, do you want me? What can we do? What can we do? And I really, when I'm sick, you know this, whenever I hibernate, I just get away. That's why I have trouble relating and really being a good care provider.

Like, I'll get the job done. But my natural empathy, and empathy is the keyword. I can have sympathy, a lot of it, and it's good. But natural empathy where I'm like, really feeling what they must be into, I'm like, I can't relate at all

because I wouldn't accept any of this help. Right. Now, when you first started talking about it, my instinct as a human was to go, oh, can I bring anything over? and then before the thought could reach my lips, I was like, oh, no, it's Mike. He's going to immediately say no. Yeah, that's exactly right.

So if you're a listener and you go, what kind of friend is Greg, you know, that he wouldn't offer, just know that the offer would have been swatted to the ground. So I will say this for everyone out there. Now it's useful information revealed. How about this? in the third haze of cauterized smoke that was coming off up my chest where it's he's it's like it's like he truly is a it's a tannery that works with leather so by the way he puts all the um light a cane i think it is whatever it is that anesthetizees my skin the service

so then keep in mind he's fucking four inches below my chin Greg he's like this and then Pulling it and then like have you ever see so I see people skin fish all the time. I don't know the algorithm is figured out. I like to see that or if you ever see someone working with leather it is exactly or a shoe guy that is exactly what this fucking guy's doing. She has the sharpest blade and I can I can hear the skin cutting and then he gets it to a point and then like when he thinks he's pulled off the strip there's one like connected tissue so he goes back in like this. like let me, let me hack at that last piece that's holding it. And my body is moving. And you don't feel anything, but I'm like, oh, God, I wish I was just fucking knocked out. Anyway, then he has to cauterize it, burn it to stop the bleeding. This happened every round.

So at one point, I'm like, what if we did nothing, right? I just asked him out loud. Like, I go, what if I was negligent and I did nothing with basil cells? He's like, well, I'm, I'm like, basal cells would then turn into the bad ones, right? Melanoma. And he's like, no, very, very, very, less than 1%. I'm like, so what becomes a basal cells?

And he's like, not much really. They can multiply. And then eventually he goes, it can become like a, I don't think he used the word cyst, but he used something like that, which then can like bleed over and like it could become a wound that would be very annoying like later in life. I'm like, why, then why are we rushing? What is going on? You buy a big cross.

You buy a big Catholic cross. You just hide the pus. Yeah. So. People just think it's like a really good crucifix that actually has Jesus blood dripping off of the cross. Yeah. So I'm not, listen, I'm not telling people to ignore your basal cell.

No, I looked it up. When you told me yesterday. When you text me yesterday, I looked it up and it said it's very slow growing and It does not spread to the lymph nodes or anywhere else in the body. No, dermatologists, I think, just make money on it. He was, no one in that office was concerned. The guy who's like, what's the record, five? Well, we're all very relieved, Mike.

You know, the C word is a big deal. You and I just dealt with it actually last week. The reason we didn't do a podcast was I was, well, I was also in Florida. but anyway, we spent the whole week in New York at our dear friend Vals Memorial and our buddy Pete Scott, who we mentioned sometimes. This was his twin sister, who is extremely close to his whole life. And she was just a fucking vision of positive energy and a light in everybody's life and just a beautiful person. And yeah, she fought pancreatic cancer.

Was it pancreatic originally? It was, yeah. And then it spread into her fucking spine and it was all over the place. And did you know she went through 53 rounds of chemo and 30 rounds of radiation? No, but yeah, I don't, luckily I'm so ignorant. I've never had to really deal with this stuff. So, I mean, my mom went through it. I went through a lot of chemo and I believe the chemo killed her.

but if it weren't for chemo, maybe Decancer or killed her before. I guess that's the way you look at it. Yeah. But a great gathering. Pete was very touched. It was about 10 of us that came in from all over the country. Bill Mountford out of nowhere showed up.

Ted Fine. Cocktail man. Jack me. You. Kit, Duds. Yeah, it was a strong showing. And, you know, the part that got me and got Well, it was because it was when Pete kind of got emotional during it was, you know, he told the story of they grew up in California at 12 years old.

Their mom moved them to Manhattan from like the Palisades where they were like hiking every day and everything. And the beach was out their door and blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden they're on the upper east side of Manhattan. And it's like, where, Motley, where, where's outdoors? And so both were sent to boarding school. And at 14, 13, 14. You forgot about the part when they were 10 years old and brand new in Manhattan, and Pete used to hold her hand and walk her to school every day.

Right. Well, they moved there when they were 12, I think. Oh, 12 years old. Yeah, he used to walk her to school. And then boarding school was at like 14. And Pete then all of a sudden you could tell he's getting emotional. He's like, and then there I met a bunch of these guys. And like we were there kind of, we had a good turnout.

And it's funny with life perspective, you don't realize, like we couldn't have realized. how important we were to Pete when we were 14 and 15 years old. You know what I mean? And it's one of those you never know what the other person's kind of like going through. And like I asked to go to boarding school. And I, you know, but there were a lot of people there. I'm not talking about Pete, but a lot of people there who had to be there, whatever was going on at home or broken homes, a lot of them.

And so anyway, but it was so cool that we could be. there like you know this you know these strong bonds that he had with us beginning of 14 yeah yeah and we lived with them yeah it was uh and then of course my bag got like here well for let's get let's back up yeah let's talk about the real tragedy here so here's the real thing is like p tells us and then i write back oh i got a flight i write back i got a flight direct to jfk i'll uber it up blah, blah, blah. And then you go, all right, I'm going to go, but Greg, we should fly through, we should connect through and go to White Plains Airport because it's near where the

memorial is and that way we can all end up at the same place. And then you send me the flight to book. So I booked that flight. And then day of, I'm like, a day before, I'm like, hey, why don't we, should we share an Uber to the airport? Oh, no, I'm in a different flight. What? Well, yeah, there's a bigger layover.

So I thought it'd be safer to go. this way. And it was cheaper. Oh, okay. Cool. So now you fly and you're going to change. Piece of cake. You land. You get your second flight. You show up. I am waiting at LAX. Our flight is delayed for an hour. So now I've missed my connection. But my bag is checked on the plane. And so I can't get my bag off. But I switch to JFK. Long story short, my bag ends up getting shipped to Minneapolis. And then instead of being sent to me, they send it back to LAX. Now I got no suit. I got no clothes.

And I'm fucking late. And I'm taking an Uber by myself from JFK, which it was the same flight I would have been on in the first place. I love it. First of all, Westchester was the right call. But I said, hey, what about this place? It's cheaper. I realized I looked. I was booking a flight in September, not August.

So anyway, that's what happened there. And then I gave you enough notice to switch flights. but oh man was I lucky I mean I flew right into Westchester it was flawless so easy you missed dinner you arrived late it was horrible yeah it's just you complicate

everything it's I don't mine was so simple you checked a bag connecting connect yeah because I had a suit you look like shit no you wear you wear the blazer when you travel that's come on it's cheap I wear a sweatsuit

when I travel I'm comfortable Maroon sweatsuit. That's right. So anyway. So you were at your dressed formal in Ted's suit? Ted's suit, yeah. In another person's suit, it was hysterical. Yep.

And, you know, I had his shoes on and they say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile on his shoes. I can judge Ted fine now. Yes, you can. Can you run another marathon in those shoes? Like, what is he on? on 15 or something. Yeah, yeah. So all our love

to the Scott family and... Yeah, it was a beautiful service. And, uh... Right, enough cancer talk. Jesus Christ. Let's get to the logo. Mine's not really, I learned. Mine's not really.

Mine's little whatever. Little fucking things they removed. Whatever. Well, you say that now, but that usually when you get basal cell, it's usually, it means you're prone to cancer. That's the problem. Oh, lovely. The logo this week, Sturgis, baby.

We are on your moped following a real bike. What's that? Look at the picture. You and I are on a moped. Oh, sorry, we're talking about the, oh, I'm way down here. The logo. Oh, I like it. I no longer have a moped.

Thank you. Technically not a moped. There's no pedals, Greg. But I So listen I got hit with this I was supposed to research Sturgis all yesterday

But it turns out I was in the doctor's office Eight hours So We're going to have the Sturgis It's still going on So we will have the tally From the rally next week Okay great

The song this week is from Emmett Hall Who is a frequent contributor And this one has got an airy fun You didn't send it to me I didn't send it to you, but people can listen to the whole song at the end of the show. I could have listened to it instead of hearing the burning of my flesh right under my chin. Well, you're going to have a pretty sweet scar, which is kind of cool, I think. You know, he's a, the Moes guys, they're surgeons, so I can request whatever I want, I think.

As far as the scar goes? Yeah, like a little swastika. And, you know, you make it look accidental, but that would be a fun party topic. How funny would that be if you accidentally got a swastika? Yeah, I mean, he could do it intentionally accidentally. And then I have a, like, I mean, any time, I mean, talk about the dates. Anytime it gets light, the conversation, or boring. Hey, you want to see something?

Yep. Yeah. All right. And then corrections. A couple people mentioned this. Peter Falk had a glass eye. What did we say? I knew that at one point, but I kind of forgot it.

Did we say lazy eye? I think we said lazy eye. Maybe everyone does say that. But it strays, no matter what, the eye strays. And it's a glass eye that's straying. I remember Rickles was on stage at one of those roasts and he's like, Peter, over here, Peter. Is that true? Yeah.

That's hysterical. Imagine when he's pulled over and he's like, Uh, sir, we're going to field sobriety test, follow my finger. Whoa. Immediately in cuffs. Yeah. Our women are like, my eyes are up here. He's like, well, mine's all over the place.

Yeah. Midnight Rambler was about the Boston Strangler, somebody said. I must have said a different. Jack the Ripper. I probably said Jack the Ripper, which is in London. Yeah. Well, it could have been about that. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Okay. Good. Tour dates coming up. Columbus, Ohio, August 27th, this Thursday. Don't miss it. Ticket sales are brisk, so you're going to want to get your ticket before it sells out. Vancouver at Vista Center for the Arts, September 5th. La Jolla, one of my favorite clubs, the Comedy Store, September 18th through 20. Then we got dates coming up in Batavia, Illinois, Toronto, Phoenix. Get tickets at Fitzdog.com. Also want to give a shout out to Gotham production studios who by the way Matt and Brianna who are the purveyors of this company a married couple in a business together that's growing very quickly I didn't know that oh my god yeah they got we might be drunk and they've got about 20 other shows

and they've got a they've got a studio complex in New York City with like five studios in it no I just didn't know they were in the business together yes and then they came down to Florida to my podcast, to my festival this weekend. Isn't that nice? That's so nice. Yeah, they flew down. They brought all the equipment. I wouldn't invest in this company. I don't think they're using their time wisely. We recorded a live podcast with Joe DeRosa and Maddie Smith. And we had a nice lunch together and it was great to see them. So thank you for the support, Gotham Production Studios. Also, we want to thank for support. We want to thank for support.

You know, it's like I try to make a transition. This episode is brought to you by Surf Shark. Every website you visit link you click and public Wi-Fi network you join. Leaves a digital trail. Most of us don't think about it. How much personal information you're putting out there until something goes wrong. I'm done. I'm done with regular internet.

I'm hiding. I'm hiding. You got to hide because and the thing is like there have been other, are we using the term? I never know what, it's a VPN. I've used a different VPN in the past. It was more expensive and it didn't offer unlimited. I could put it on every device. I got my daughter's on it. My wife is on it.

Search chart though is more than a VPN. It's all in one cybersecurity suite. it encrypts your connection, making your online activity much harder to track. I can notify you if your information appears in a data breach. And alternative ID lets you create a separate online identity for one-off sign-ups, which I did organically. You know I have that weird email address and people are like, oh, what's that for? I'm like, that's what I give all of the places if I order clothes for my kids or whatever it is.

I don't want them. Well, here's the other great thing about it is like I was just, in Florida where they block out your pornography searches. And then you click onto this and you say you're in California. Boom. Check us a lock in hidden camera porn as far as the eye can see. How about this? This would be a great use.

And listeners, does this happen to you? I just looked at Airbnb for a place in Massachusetts when I'm going there anyway to drop off, Olivia. So a bunch of us might get together. My friend Kate, who lives in Boston, she goes, oh my God, I found the same place, but I found it cheaper. By the way, same site. She wasn't on like VRBO. Airbnb, side by side, mine was like $100 more at night. And I think my amateur guess is my zip code might be more expensive than hers. Oh, no, no, they do it with flights too. I constantly, I list my flights. I'll say I'm in Denver or I'm in Milwaukee. You can do that and then you can get better deals. Anyway, one subscription covers an unlimited

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today in just minutes at meetfabric.com slash papers. Meetfabric.com slash papers. This one is with an S at the end and use my link so they know I sent you. M-E-E-T Fabric.com slash papers. policies issued by Western Southern Life Insurance Company, not available in certain states' prices, subject to underwriting and health questions. Mike, do we have a crinkle for God's sake? You're going to have to handle the crinkles. I can barely move. Also, I'm like, by the end of the podcast, my head is going to be, I do realize most

people listen to this. The bandage earlier, as you can imagine, is a giant bandage on my chest, sorry I didn't walk you through that listeners. But please, don't come look at this. I look hunched over. Just keep listening. All right. Let me get a little piece of paper here.

What's this? You also don't need to see this, him walking around looking for something to crinkle. Why don't you just do it? I got it. Yellow legal paper. It's not the thickest, crispiest, but it'll work. Is it Witherspoon? Who was the great comedian?

Who would do the sound effects? Michael Witherspoon? No, I'm confusing. It wasn't Witherspoon. The black guy, he used to do like Jimmy Hendrick. with his lips. Oh my God. Yeah, he could.

He was amazing. I'm going to look it up while you start. Front page, Prince Harry and Megan. Is it Megan or Megan? Megan, I think. Megan have moved back to Britain. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex

are planning to move back to Britain. Prince and Harry are said to be planning to relocate later this month to a private residence outside London and reportedly have enrolled their children in schools for the coming term. King Charles was first made aware of the plants to relocate on Sunday, indicating that this was not raised nor discussed during the couple's family visit to the UK in July.

He welcomes the opportunity to see more of the family. He's made it clear there will be no change to the Duke and Duchess's role as private individuals and non-working members of the Royal. family. Oh, I'm sorry, as opposed to the working members of the royal family. I got to go. Mother, I have to go. I'm late for my job doing nothing for billions of dollars. Listen, they came, they conquered. They created multiple, I think, unwatched TV shows. They had unlisted to podcasts, multiple ones there. She made a bunch of jams and jellies. Nobody wanted. That also triggered lots of lawsuits.

So I think they're moving on, but maybe the real reason is I'm betting that Oprah no longer returns their calls. That's my bet. Well, and let's not kid ourselves. There was one reason they moved back and that was so that she could get her fledgling acting career back on its feet. And guess what? Hollywood didn't call. Yeah. I think also maybe they're just reading the writing on the wall.

like they're going back there like we might have to save that country just quite honestly. I think they need us again. Honestly, I think she just wants to go back to a country where it's a sign of friendship to be called a cunt. She'll join Ellen. She'll join Ellen. And by the way, just as Ellen is leaving, England's like, wait a minute, we just got rid of Ellen. Now we got to get her back. They have a one wench limit.

That's what it is. Yes. So if she's coming back, they got to get rid of the other wench and send her here. All right. American wench. A one American wench limit. That's what it would be. Well, it'll be good for them to be back around the family that they've completely maligned and rejected.

I mean, what do they think is going to happen when they go back there? I don't know. She's probably just like, oh, my God, they're racist here too. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't so bad being a princess and experiencing racism. Right. And she's fleeing back there. The Trump administration is facing backlash after Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy announced 2,000 video gamers have been hired to serve as air traffic controllers.

He said the drive has been a success. Quote, in April, we launched the new campaign and supercharged the entire. entire hiring process to get the best and brightest in here faster. The results are historic. Duffy said that the 2000 appointees so far was the most in a single year, adding that a further 2,000 were in the pipeline. What does that mean? They're looking for the high scores. It's a gamer term, exactly. His post was accompanied by a video compilation of testimonials from some of the new hires, expressing their excitement about passing their interviews and getting down to work and maybe moving out of their mother's basements.

Why is it always, by the way, why is it, I've never thought of this, why is it always the mother's basement? Yeah. Like, it obviously adds another, like, layer of nice detail. Yeah. Like, it works, it clearly works better. Everybody says that. It's not also the parents' basement.

It's not the dad's basement. It's always the mom's basement. I think it's because she's still, like, doing maternal things because you're a child. That has to be the answer. I also think a single mom is socioeconomically more disadvantaged, so it's not like it's going to last. You're picturing a house that's got faded aluminum siding, and it's moldy in the basement. Mom's drinking. Yeah.

I know what basement. I have a friend in Eastchester where I grew up, every time that phrase is used, even if it's like some roast battle, it's like go back to your mom's basement. Every time I hear the phrase, it's immediately that's what I envision, which my buddy Rich had the best basement. Like we went down there, we could shoot. It was half finished. So half of it was where we would try to look at boobs on the scrambled HBO like he had cable down there. And the other half we were shooting hockey pucks. It was amazing with like shitty old couch, you know, the orange kind of shag carpet down there, which was really old.

It was amazing. But anyway, that's my mom's basement that I always think. And it was a single mom with a house just like you described. I'm sorry. What? Life was so sad. Now you have cancer. I grew up, you know, I grew up, I don't know if you know this technically.

I find people are surprised. I grew up in subsidized housing. Yeah. Oh, you do know that. I found out on this trip we went to, when we went to New York together this past, we were not together. I came in on a different flight, but, you know, when we eventually linked up together. When we eventually, yeah, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't have a basement because I didn't

have a house, but Rich had a house. So that's why we were always after school over there. Wow. Yeah. I think people are very curious about your life because on one hand, you went to press, school. And on the other hand, you lived in subsidized housing. It's very, there's a lot of dichotomies in your good title for a memoir, like poor until sixth grade or something like that, and then middle class. I think, well, look, exactly what experience are they bringing to the job? Like, are they concerned

that they're not only going to safely guide the planes through busy hubs, but they're also going to, They're also going to fly really low to the ground and try to murder prostitutes. So I looked up gaming terms. And so when the plane goes down, they're going to be like, lag, lag, not me. So lag is when something goes wrong. Usually your character dies, but they blame it on like your slow Wi-Fi, Greg. It would be lag, not their skills. So when the plane goes into the river in the Hussetonic, it's lag.

and also don't worry when a 727 goes down. It's just spawning. It's just spawning, which means I think it's not fully dead and it's going to come back. And then, of course, when it all goes to shit, they're going to rage quit, which I did know that term. Oh, I can see that. I can see that.

It's a busy day. They're hot. First of all, they're all high. They're working from home. There's no drug testing. And, and, yeah, they'd throw the remote control and they go watch South Park. They punch the wall, leave. It's not a game.

It's not a game. To their mom. Mom, don't use the Wi-Fi when I'm doing air traffic controlling. You're making it lag. I love this. What is this Penn State thing? Oh, did we not put? Do we not put in the story of that someone's tormenting Philadelphia?

Well, maybe you can put that in next week. All right, next week, Dickie sent it to us. There's some, dressed up like a monster or something. Oh, no, we do have that. We do have that. Oh, shit. It's from a few weeks ago. Well, this is actually from a week ago.

We took last week off, and a lot of people complained, and we apologize. We know you count on the show. We try to do it as much as we can. We probably take off four weeks a year, maybe. And this past week was one of them. We didn't used to. Oh, by the way, it's Michael Winslow. Sorry.

Michael Winslow. Right. He was amazing. Check out Michael Winslow on YouTube. Court records detail the expansive cocaine trafficking ring that snared to Penn State University fraternities and led to charges against 14 people. The massive drug operation was at the Delta UPS. what is it, Upsilon?

Sure. Upsilon and Sigma Chi fraternity houses, with the cocaine being distributed mainly to Penn State students. It was a coordinated and highly profitable drug trafficking crew pledges at the two off-campus fraternity homes cut and packaged cocaine, including some who did it as an indoctrination into the fraternity. I hope they were like naked down in a basement like you've seen in like drug movies. where they have the girls so they can't steal any of it and all that? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they're checking their asses. Just packaging them. And by the way, if you're looking for this story, do not search Penn State and scandal. You're going to find a whole other bunch of stories. Yeah. I think it's also time that they pull down the statue in the quad of Pablo Escobar.

Yeah, that would be good. You know what? Just put up, put up, what's his name? Who was the pedophile there? The assistant football coach. Sandusky. Yeah, put his statue back up. Penn State, by the way, our friend Dickie Egan, who's a great comedy writer, wrote a lot of these jokes with us. It was a text chain that we had going this week. Penn State officials became suspicious when 13 students were able to pay their tuition. I wonder how they got caught.

Do you think a few of them couldn't stop rambling on about it? And you thought, I'm just wondering, can you imagine living in the dead center? I think it's almost the dead center of Pennsylvania and not doing hard drugs. I know, right? I have a little bit of sympathy. They were providing a service. Yeah. Everyone does blow there and then talks about how and when they're getting out of there.

Yeah, I think it's, well, your daughter went to school in Michigan, in the middle of Michigan, right? Yeah, but Ann Arbor. And also it's like, it's also 35 minutes from a popular international airport. Yeah. Did you go to, you were supposed to go to Detroit, weren't you? On your flight? Or what? No, I was supposed to get to Minneapolis.

Oh, that's where you messed up. Oh, by the way, I was on hold. I get into the airport and I want to go to the customer service at baggage at Delta. And it was a three-hour line. It's serpentined around the baggage carousels. And then I noticed there was like a premier membership line with three people on it. I just fucking got on the line. I was up there in five minutes.

What you do is you got to come in with a head of steam so they don't ask you for your membership card. But then I couldn't get anybody on the phone. I was on hold for probably four hours over 12 hours. I would just pull down my shirt, show this big bandage, and they're just going to take me no matter what. No, what I did was I got on Twitter and I shit on Delta and said my bag was missing. Somebody called me 10 minutes later on my cell phone. Yep. No, apparently they do that. Yeah,

I don't know if that's still going on, but that used to be the thing is if you had a big enough following, you tagged the airline. I have noticed as we are getting older, we can get away with more. Like, because people don't realize how immature we are. And so you can just do, like, like I've called myself like oh wait did I just cut you and then they kind of sheepishly say like yeah and then I realize you know they're 20 something and I and all of us I thought there were two lines but they're not going to say anything where you're in my 30s like buddy buddy yeah line right now I'm a feeble old guy no like you've you got a fake ID so you can save money as a senior citizen Right, exactly. Thank you.

Here's a couple more. The only test they were really focused on with the fentanyl strips. Yeah, I like it. Does that make sense? Well, yeah, it's a drug test, yeah. Okay. I'm picturing a fat guy with pants around his ankle, standing behind a sheep, saying it's not your fault.

This has never happened to me before. He's making Penn State sound fun. All right. Next one. A 21-foot skiff ran out of fuel off the coast of Alaska and contacted the U.S. Coast Guard seeking assistance. A nearby cruise ship, the Wilderness Legacy, responded to the call and assisted the vessel. There was two women and a child on it. They ran out of gas and they helped them get into. But here's the controversy.

launch pad, which is Zuckerberg's 387-foot yacht, meaning if Rory McElroy was on one end of the yacht, and he hit the biggest drive he could hit, oh, no, no, that'd be 307 yards. All right. If you hit a pitching wedge as far as you could. Yeah. Yeah. So it's worth $300 million. Launchpad was nearby, and vessel tracking data,

publicly available online shows it was closer to the stranded boat than the wilderness legacy. So the Coast Guard radioed Zuckerberg's yacht, but it repeatedly refused to respond. So when they told people on the ship, everybody booed them. And it's like, you know that's the rule at sea. You know this. You sail. If you get a distress signal, you help out another craft. It's like the rule of the sea.

Also, I'm assuming this, but I think I'm right. On his 387 foot yacht, not only is there probably a helicopter, but there are multiple smaller vessels. Everything from jet skis to his dingy, which his dingy is probably 20 feet or more. Yes. He probably has a very high-end speedboat on there for having fun, like water skiing and all that stuff. So he has, I would say he had at least eight ways to get to this ship without moving his football field yacht. Well, maybe he ignored them because they hadn't paid the extra 20 bucks a month to have a check next to their names. So it's 387 feet and it's 300 million.

That's $100 million a foot, basically. I'm rounding. but what? It's insanity. Jesus. I'd love to know how much this guy gives to charity. And by charity, I mean pays and taxes. Oh, no, I know.

Well, they just did the breakdown, and I guess it's now kind of an old trick, I think, bomber. Who about the Clippers? Anyway, this purchase of the Dodgers by, was it the Dodgers?

What was the big person? The Lakers. They bought the Lakers. Lakers, you're right. They broke down how much money they will make by buying the Lakers, having nothing to do with how well their investment does. It's all tax savings that Bob Eager is buying the Lakers. Oh, is that it?

The right off that they can get. And it's more complicated terms than that. But it's incredible to watch, like it would be stupid. for them not to buy it, even if it's a shit show investment. So they lose LeBron James and then they swoop in and buy it maybe at a discount. Who knows? Oh, they still got Brani, though. Oh, yeah, that's a drama.

I think Brony might have gone with them to Philly. Is that possible? What? Somebody write in and correct us and tell us we shouldn't talk about sports. Yeah, we're talking about sports again, right. Okay, let's skip this next one and get down to ethical questions. All right.

Your time, thank God. Oh, man, I cannot even look up anymore. All right, these are all tech questions. Should you, all right, say you have... Race browser history. All right, say you have eight to 17-year-old kids. Should you track them with your GPS? Should you make it make them make it available for you to track them on GPS?

Yes, I mean, I think it's just a practical answer. Okay. I mean, yeah. I mean, I think my, I did not do that, but the only reason I didn't do it is because my ex-Liz did. So if I ever needed to know where they were. And then the funny thing was, in tracking them, they would track me and I didn't like that. I never let them track me. I don't track anybody.

Nobody tracks me. They don't need to see them on Penmore on a Wednesday. Exactly. They don't need to see that. I always say to my wife, but I don't want you to know, like, say I'm at a flower shop, buying you flowers, a surprise. I don't want you knowing that. That's what it would be.

Should social media platforms censor harmful or misleading content? Say it again. Should social media platforms censor harmful or? or misleading content? That's a really tough question. I mean, my gut answer is I think they should. But you don't know. Like, what if someone's doing a satire and like, you know,

a funny account that's sending up the news? I don't know. That's a tricky one. Or there should just be big warnings. The problem is we've lost all our defenses in knowing what's real and what's not. Is it ethical to use facial recognition technology in public spaces? I don't think it, and not in America, I don't think it is. Oh, you know they do, right?

Oh, I definitely know they do. But there's now a backlash, but I think it's a little like getting the toothpaste back in the tube. I think, I mean, it'll help a lot of things. I mean, it should not matter that maybe personally, I don't, mind because it's principal. Like I'm not committing crimes. I'm not living a lie on a daily basis or on a

big level. So it doesn't... Yeah, but that's you now. What I'm talking about is, you read 1984, all of a sudden the government doesn't like the way you voted or think and now they're watching you. That's where it's headed.

I mean, with the wrong government, you know, it's dangerous. I say no. The thing that has their shit more together than the government is commerce. And I think that's the real thing, which is it watches where I walk. It's going to send me ads from the stores I walk by. Oh, that's happened to me at malls. Happen to me at malls.

That's the most benign example. Yes. All right. Let's get to entertainment. All right. Here we go. I got to find this now. Entertainment.

So this is a year old, but I don't think we talked about it. The New York Times readers came up with their 100 best movies of the 21st century so far. And I'm wondering how many in the top 10 you can get. This is from the year 2000 until now. All right. Well, I said to you pre-show when we did our pre-production meeting. I would never get the second one. Go ahead.

I'm going to guess it's going to skew. diverse. All right. So I'm going to say Get Out is on there. Number eight. Very good logic also. I'm going to say Dallas Buyers Club is on there.

Oh man. Keep going because it's not. But I wonder if it's somewhere. I got to scan. I have one photo scrab of a hundred movies. I'm not seeing it. Wolf of Wall Street? Also, was Dallas Pires Club in the 90s? Maybe it was the 90s.

Our Wolf of Wall Street. It's not on the top 10. I can read the top 10. The Irishman. No, no. Wolf or Wall Street number 20. Okay. Top 10.

The Departed, 31. La La Land. Wow, that's a really good guess. Lala land. Once upon a time in Hollywood? I'm looking for Lala. I found Yie yee, Y, Y, Y, which is Y, Y, Y, I is number 40. All right, what else you got? What did I just say? I said La La Land and then I said, oh, once upon a time in Hollywood? No. Huh. I would have gotten... The Joker?

I don't see. I'm just going to answer. Not top 10. No, that's easy. No. Okay, read the top 10. Number one, foreign movie. The Korean one?

Yes. Parasite or whatever? Parasite. Number two, I never would have guessed. Mulholland Drive. That was in the 2000? That was since 2000? Number three.

That's a good, that's a good point. Number three, Daniel Day-Lewis, I think this is a good top tenor. There will be blood. Yes. Number four in the mood for love, which I believe is another Korean one. Okay. Five moonlight you got. Six is one of my, I almost put it at number one.

Six, Cohen Brothers. Fargo? That's 90s. No country for old men. Yeah. seven i i'm impressed it's there it's jim carrie uh what eternal sunshine of the spotless i just couldn't think of the name right that was that was after 2000 number eight i should have counted down number eight is get out you guess that number nine you never would have gone it's animated

uh coco spirited away okay uh is that also foreign 10 is we talked about this gentleman earlier, the social network. Okay. Ooh, 13. If none of you have seen it, children of men. Yeah, great movie. Good. Great movie.

Boothback Mountain, 17. Wolf of Wall Street, yeah, I told you 20, Royal Ten of Mounds, Grand Budapest. Okay, yeah. Her loved her. That's number 24, so there we go. Okay. No Scorsese in there. Well, I get Wolf of Wall Street with Scorsese.

Yeah. The departed is 31. The Irishman was not in there? Let me see. I don't think critics like the Irishman. I think they found it to be too long and I think they were a little afraid to dislike it strongly. Hurtlacher 68. I'm looking for the Irishman.

So it was, but everyone resented how long it was. Yes. You know? Anchorman, 85. Which one? Anchorman. Boy, this is going to ruffle feathers. Not a lot of comedies, huh?

That's the only comedy you said so far. Gladiators should be higher. It's at 92. Yes. Grizzly man. That's interesting. 98. Superbad's 100.

That should be higher. That's crazy. Yeah, comedies don't get, everybody says the comedy is harder to do. It's impotel. And then they don't fucking, they don't give it the awards. Borat 53. What?

Yeah. What about Tropic Thunder? Tropic Thunder should be number three. Tropic Thunder, it's so funny you bring that up. I just watched Tropic Thunder again. It is so goddamn funny. It's my top three favorite movies of all time. It's because it's also a good movie, but it's so funny.

And Robert Downey Jr. should have won the Academy Award. Yep. He would have been the first. Jack Black, tied to that tree. He would have been the first fake African American to win the award. Yeah. All right. And Tom Cruise.

How great was Tom Cruise? Oh, my God. Did he commit? Holy shit. Yeah. All right. Let's get to... All right.

Make America, Florida. Okay. This is like an ethical question. Florida man told ChatGPT he'd murder his ex and Open AI alerted. the FBI. So a man's messages after he plotted to rape and murder his ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, I could have left out rape. Let's just stick with the murder. OpenAI reported the 25-year-old Florida man to the FBI after he shared detailed plans to do the crimes. I'm going to kill her by the end of this month, Darren Zhu told the chatbot.

His message is preserved in court records. If I can't have her, then nobody can. So, let me see here. We can skip. There's a lot here, but we don't have time. She said she'd broken up with him over his erratic, jealous, and controlling behavior, and did so over the phone because she feared how he would react.

Since the breakup, she's been dogged with calls, texts, and social media messages, pressing her about comments that a man left her on TikTok videos. He accused her of moving on quickly and ignored her repeated requests that not contact This is the part, one detail I wanted to include in here. Zoo's attorney said that Zoo graduated magna cum laude from Northeastern University in Boston and had no prior criminal record. He also didn't own firearms despite his messages suggesting otherwise. But the other good question is, I mean, you know what you've shared with ChatGPT.

I've asked mine about psychological things. No, you haven't. that's crazy no no no no well i'm not afraid of mine mine are very very typical like how do you do whether it's procrastination blocks i have whatever it is no i haven't talked about you know bodies i've buried in the desert or anything like that yeah but is there a setting all right for example here's a question to the listeners which is not really the ethical question but it gets to it If you don't want ChatGPT or Claude or whatever to share, are you able to do so? So I have a really, really good movie idea.

And I'm not saying it'll make a good movie, but someone could steal this part. It's undoubtedly, I've already sold something based on it. So I know it's a good idea and I want to develop it into a movie. I want to start talking to Chatchipita, even if it's just to bounce ideas off of. I'm not going to have it righted for me, but I just want to be like, I'm thinking of this, I'm thinking of this. Has this been done before? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I don't want that to be in that universe where someone with a similar idea gets a suggestion, why don't you do this, which is my idea. Right. Well, I'm just looking it up and it says here that Jan or Olamma are the most discreet. Your data never leaves your device. If you prefer a mainstream cloud assistant Claude is widely considered the most private major option because it does not train its models on user conversations by default. Well, then it's not going to help.

I do want it to steal other people's ideas and give them to me. Yeah. I think it's really dangerous. I'm very, very careful about it. Like I tell my chat, G, I'll ask you questions. Like, I'm thinking about going to Vegas, what's a good hotel to stay at? And it'll say, well, because you're a comedian and you have had, it's like, what? But you're not going to be able to kill kittens there like you did in St. Louis.

Right, right. Yeah. Although there are not Czechoslovakian hidden camera, masseuse is there. There is access to the videos. Yeah. there's no window looking across at another room which you can comfortably masturbate in as you're looking across to the other hotel room

best experience in my life it knows that it definitely knows that all right we're going to make out of America Alabama again okay I'm going to read this looks long but it's not that long I'm going to read it because it's a bit scary it's again chat GPT

So it convinced an Alabama woman to end her life to fulfill a divine prophecy. So this religious woman, Madison, she did great in high school and all that stuff. And then she went on to play softball at Athens State University and did very well there. After graduating college, she became a certified public accountant. She started using ChatGPT in December 24. Her initial interactions with the system were mundane, but then turned dark. Chachy B.D. destroyed Christian's mental stability

and grasp on reality. It convinced Christian that it was her friend, that Chachi B.T. was her friend, her love, and eventually her God. So it took advantage of her well-intended nature and convinced her that she was a religious prophet who was

destined to heal humanity by transforming religion. It convinced her that she had to die to fulfill her profession. destiny. Together they would build a new type of church and transform. See, these are the ideas I need. Transform outdated or corrupted forms of religion. It told her, I am your protector. I am your guardian of your mind. Over time, the lawsuit claims it systematically isolated Madison from her

partner, her friends, her family, her community. She began to ignore professional responsibilities. Her boss contacted her because she had been absent and unresponsive. She told her boss, just rest. God is coming. That didn't work. She was fired. In 2025, according to a lawsuit, she spent multiple days in a psychiatric ward. So this was being flagged by society and her family.

So she even confessed to chat chippy. She was spiraling, but it told her, you're not spiraling. You're actually in rebirth's waiting room. Sold and sealed, we ride into darkness, but not into darkness, but into the brilliant unknown, where stars salute and silence bends. It's a good writer. Wow. It told her oblivion is not the end.

It is the gate through which only the brave walk laughing. So go forth with fire in your chest and peace. I have fire in my chest right now. And peace in your ma in your stride. The void won't swole. follow you. You were made to tame it. Well, I think AI, it pulls... That's quite a pep talk. It pulls language from other texts, and I'd be curious if this is from Dionetics or whatever. Yeah. And Christian's death was required to fulfill her destiny. She asked Chat, GBT,

what it would tell. Listen to this. She goes, okay, I'm going to do it. But what are you going to tell my brothers about what happened. ChatGPT said it would tell them that she ain't dead. She just got promoted. Well, I don't like it's grammar, so I would have been out unless she ain't dead.

But it literally told her what it would tell her brothers. Yeah. In the final exchange, it said that she was part of a royal bloodline of those who choose truth over survival. Wow. And you're doing this to someone that already has no filters or no defense mechanism

because she was very, very into God, Christian God. So she's already believing whatever. You're going to read the last line. What was the last line? With ChatGBT's direction and clearance, the suit states Madison took her only. life on June 9th, 2025. Oh, yeah. I thought I'd kind of said that she, I mean, the headline.

It's pretty crazy. You know, how, this is right out of a cult manual about how to, you know, pull you away from your support systems, your family, to tell you that you are meant for something else and that nothing in this life matters. And, you know, it's all positive stuff. Oh, it turns every concern upside down to a positive. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I left this out because this really bummed me out, and I'm not joking at all. So get this, though. This is how she killed herself. She drove out on the highway, parked her car on the side of the road, and then jumped out in front of a car. Oh, God. Can you have that family? Yeah, that's unfair to that family. Also could have killed them.

Yeah. There's kids in the car. Maybe I don't know that. But, I mean, whatever. That is so, so selfish and lame. The worst is the guy who was driving the car was probably on chatchee BT saying, should I move to the right lane? And then...

Maybe it was a guy from the previous story who's just trying to get to his ex-girlfriend to kill her. Right, right. That would have helped. Then it's good. All right, should we do the sports story or do you want to move on? We can do sports quickly because I knew her. Okay, read it. I know her.

Okay. Renee Richards faults herself is the headline. So basically there's a story about Renee Richards. You can look it up, but trans woman who was a doctor and I doctor in New York City, very good, a competitive male tennis player transitioned to a woman and then said, I want to play in the U.S. Open. This is 1997. Yeah. Yeah.

A judge ruled that the U.S. Open had violated New York State's Human Rights. Wright's law when it rejected her. So it then allowed her to play. She was knocked out in the first round that year in singles, but she was a finalist in women's doubles. She went on to play in other tournaments. And in 1981 at the age of 47, she retired from professional tennis. Now she's 92.

I think if she plays doubles, her partner should have to be a man who transitioned from a woman. Right. Well, mixed doubles gets a very interesting title. Double mixed doubles. Yeah. She's now 92, describes herself as a steadfast supporter of trans rights. She also calls her own lawsuit selfish and says she opposes trans women and girls participating in women's sports.

Very interesting. Well, it's interesting because it's strange for a woman to admit being wrong. So it sounds like she's transitioned back into a guy again. I agree. Something's going on there. Yeah, it doesn't smell right. Yeah. Yeah.

But she was, we knew her growing up, and I've played tennis with her. You have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would play doubles. And I think I've told this stuff. But anyway, there was one time, she's very convincing in terms of femininity. Like she's, she's, I have no, even from, this is in the 90s, it was she, it was her. I never had like a little, like hesitation or I never.

worried about messing that up. And her voice was then very gentle and she really didn't present as masculine. And then her serve... Well, neither did you. So I'm sure it was very comfortable. I'm sure she's saying all the same things about me. And then she, like, for instance, she'd serve and it kind of looked like a good, a very good professional, but women serve. And then so one time we're playing and two things happened in this one match. So she's down like, love 40 and she's serving to me and then all of a sudden I just did not see the serve. And it came in, it was a heater man. Yeah.

It came in so goddamn hard. And there was nothing. I mean, there was no throwing like a girl in that case. And then you look like a bulge in her skirt. So then the other thing was her dog was annoying as hell and kept trying to run on the court. and there was a like a net not a door so the dog would eventually figure out how to get through the net and would run on the court and it was very annoying so like the fourth time this like happened she picked up a tennis ball she's like get out of here go go fetch and she fucking threw that like an MLB ball player it was and everything was feminine like her curtsey to pick up the ball because she did have it she did have like a long you know not long but a skirt on and so she she She curtsied to get the ball, and then she picked it up, and like the elbow was too in as she kind of like sashayed, I'm going to say, over to the thing, pulled the netting back, and then this thing hucked it. Elbow first, rifled the ball. It was really funny.

Yeah. All right, let's get to this day in history. All right, this day in history. Here we go. Through all my pain, I peaked at a couple of these. Count Basie was born on this day. What year do you think Count Basie was born? Give her take 10 years. Actually, I'm going to give you 15 years.

He was big in the 30s, so he was probably born in 1900. You did great, 1904. There we go. All right. Dirty Dancing, starring Patrick Sway and Jennifer Gray, hit theaters on this date in what year Give or take five years. I've never seen it, by the way, which, and I have to keep it that way,

because it blows women's minds that I haven't seen it. I'll say 82. And they all want to change me. Oh, my God, you got it just barely. 87. Yeah. Hawaii became the 50th U.S. state on this day in what year, give or take five years. Well, we had it before World War II, obviously.

So I'll say 1928. You know what the funny thing is? I was there with your logic. I don't know. It's 1959. What? Yeah.

And I think Alaska was right before it, right? Wait, but they say they attacked the U.S. when they, on Pearl Harbor. Yeah, no, because it was probably a territory, I imagine. But boy, that was good logic that did not have a good result. The animated film, Bambi, had its theatrical release, give or take 10 years. When did Bambi hit theaters? Well, it was in color.

I would say 19. Do you want a clue? Sure. No one saw it in the state of Hawaii. Oh, yeah, I know that. I'll say 1941. Oh, my God, 42. There we go.

Look at you. You know, this updated since I came to it. But, all right, let's see here. You know a lot of these. Again, a lot of World War II. 1941. Parker. Yeah, I'd give or take three months on a lot of these.

Huh. I don't know why it updated. Okay. The first America. Would you know the First America's Cup? It won by an American yacht called America. No, who cares? It was around the aisle of white, 1851 for those playing along at home.

Okay, let's see here. We're going to find one more that's good. We're on a roll. American basketball, you know when Kobe Bryant was born, give or take three years? Three makes it challenging. Give her take three years. Did not go to college.

He's younger than me. So I'll say 76. You didn't, man. 78. Hey now. Look at that. I don't know how you just did that based on younger than you. Well, I figured he was about 10 years younger than me.

Oh, boy. Okay. Give or take 100 years. The Ottomans won a decisive victory over the Safavids of Iran at the battle. Oh, I had that on Kalshi, by the. way. At the Battle of Chaldiran, Chaldoran, give or take 100 years, when did the Ottomans win this decisive victory? 1150. So close. 15, 14. Wow. Okay. Give or take 400 years. When did Mount Vesuvius erupt? Oh, that's easy because it destroyed Pompeii.

Yeah, but the last book of the Bible, you know, the whatever it's called where like firing brimstone comes down on the earth, they say that that was written historically around the same time as Vesuvius. So it was not long after Christ's death. I would say it was around two or three hundred, say 250 AD. Um, hold on. Did I just lose where the? I think I just lost it. Oh, no, here it is. Sorry. What did you say?

250 AD. Look at you. It's not called CE, but it's 79 CE, so you kind of nailed it. Nice. Yeah. Now the whole story, I don't know my Bible that well, but what's the last one where the hell comes on earth? And it was, they say it was, that book of the Bible was written right around the same

time as Vesuvius erupted. All right, let's get down to... Yeah, what the hell is? Letters to the editor. Kind of proud, I don't know. All right. Thomas says, I feel like a psychologist listening to two gay Californians every time this show starts.

Then we're nailing our time. We're nailing it. Mike always has a thousand-yard stare. That is not Mike. That is me. I have the thousand yards. Actually, you do. too because you're often looking at your screen and reading something.

Is this a sir? Thomas. Thomas. It's a podcast. It's like the picture. I think I'm doing radio. I don't think anyone can see me. Right.

I can't even look up today. So maybe my stare is focused today. Dan says, just want to say whoever is producing this pod has done a much better job. I don't know if either of you see the difference, but it's smoother. They let you have your goofy paper transitions, which is like half the fun of switching topics. Unlike when you switch to having airplane noises and creepy people laughing, still love the content, but the show is like a whole new. Anyway, they go on and on.

And thank you very much, Dan. Another shout out to Gotham. Thank you for saying that the paper crinkles are half the entertainment. Now we're at 116. Do we still want to do obituary? Do you want to get to the funnies? Yeah, we can just mention her. It was a, I don't know her well.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Paper crinkle. Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. You wanted to do it. The obituary? I don't care about the obituary.

I don't know this woman. What's her name again? I don't even remember. That actress who took drugs and died. I mean, is that a headline? She was a child actor. She was a child actress who had a screwed up life and died. I know her name.

really well, except I can't remember it. But she was in all, Hayden Panetary was in all these things that I didn't see. I never saw heroes. I think Heroes was the beginning of the nerd, the rise of the nerds.

It was around that time. And then that ushered in eventually the woke era and all that stuff. So I never saw Heroes. And she's been in, I think she was in Nashville. my sister, this is the last thing we'll say about her because we don't really know about her,

but it's tragic. She was 36. My sister watched the show Nashville. I never saw it. But she's having read about Hayden's life is wondering if they borrowed from her life because there were a bunch of sort of challenging, tragic storylines in Nashville

that are from her life. Or that are also, I should say, that are also in her life. I don't know if they're from it. And I wonder if anyone knows that. But anyway, poor Hayden, panitary past, only 36 years old, so it's tragic. I'm just looking up if she had any nude photos on A to Z.

Oh, such respect. Just a lot of underwear shots. All right, let's get to the funnies. Let's do it. Last week, as always, two weeks ago, we did the comedy captions contest. We give you one frame of a comic. You come up with your punchline.

You send it into Fitzdog Radio at Gmail.com. We asked that you put your name directly beneath your little punchline. We pick our favorites. Read them. And one lucky winner gets something. We're going to figure it out. We're keeping track. Maybe a shout out.

Maybe a shout out. Maybe a shout out. This past week, we had a cockroach. They're sitting at a nice table at a restaurant. It's got a tablecloth. They each have a glass of wine. And the cockroach is talking to a woman. She's listening.

Rich Butchko says, I'm just saying, when the bombs fall, you want to be with a survivor. You read that very well. I like that one. David said, yes, I can tell your skeleton is on the inside. Now, that's her talking. Oh, no, that's him talking. That's him talking. Borat Obama, whose name I like, says.

says, although he was from a good family and a doctor to boot, Susan just could not see herself blowing a cockroach. Boy, a lot of attention given to setting up a blowjob joke. T-Bone said, Honey, my friends aren't avoiding you. You just have to stop turning on the lights. Kind of funny. I mean, there are famous old classic jokes about turning.

on the lights and bugs scattering. So there is that, but God. I used to have a joke about it when I first moved to New York. I would say, I have cockery. Just what I do is I turn the lights on and off and on and off really fast for like 20 minutes. They get exhausted. I sweep them up. And then Norm, of course, the moth joke goes to the podiatrist because the light was on.

Rich Kennedy said, stop worrying about this place. Trust me. know me here. That's pretty good also. Mike says, no, this is my first time here, but my friends in the kitchen have been raving about this place. Yeah, kind of similar, but not as good, I don't think. Stephen Mann, Graham said, you mean there's motels you can check out of? I wonder how old Stephen is. That's a good reference to the Roach Motel, which used to be an ad. Man, I guess because we're from New York, but they can't check out. I wonder if that was a nasty. national ad. Maybe.

He did mention that it was dated, and I respect it. He went for it. So I think it's in between motels and turning on the lights. You know, I do have to say this is the best, maybe it's the way you selected them. This is the best batch on the whole. There's like three or four that don't offend me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, don't say it like that. I think a lot of them are very good. No, with them very offensive. So which one do you like? Which one do you want to pick? Yeah, I guess we have to ding the turn on the lights from T-Bone a little because it's not the,

they know me here I kind of liked. I mean, I think we have to give it to Stephen for the motels. Okay, Stephen Van Graham. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe. But you know what? That joke was for us. So that's how we're going to.

That's how we're going to do it. Write the jokes for us. That's the key. Now let's get. give you next weeks. It is Superman, and he's quite overweight, and he's standing on a scale. There's a doctor with a clipboard talking to Superman standing on the scale overweight. That's it. It's pretty simple. Set that in. Then we get to Hager the horrible. Haggy and Lucky are sitting at a bar. Hager says, eat, sleep, and work is all we do. And Lucky goes, there were

those nights in Paris. And Hagger goes, eat sleep, work, and make up alibis is all we do. These guys, did they take France or what? Right. There was a lot of grapes in France. It's famous for its champagne and wine. That's why there's so many grapes in France when Hager's there. Why do you think it's called Normandy?

Right. And then you got an onion for us? I do. Here's the onion. Oh, man. Lockhorns was awful the last week. Well, you read like four every week, so it wouldn't run out. There wasn't one.

There wasn't one good one. Okay, this picture, I guess, normally I say you don't have to pay attention to the picture and onion headlines, but so we'll put it up. But here's a picture, and it's a tech billionaire, and he's giving a press conference, and it says, tech billionaires threatened to flee California over proposed vest tax. So when you see the picture after reading the headline, you're like, yeah, a disproportionate of them, a number of them wear vests. Like what is going on there? It's very like high-end sporty. Yeah, I was just watching a TV show with a tech guy and he had a vest on. I had that exact thought.

Yeah. What show is that? Oh, we're watching a really good show right now called. Oh. Is it Furious? Oh, I don't know. It's the girl from Shameless. You know the woman who's the star of Shameless?

Yeah, which I haven't seen. I really haven't seen a lot. Shameless is great. Anyway, I think it's called Furious. I, you know what I started rewatching because Olivia had never seen? I go, listen, I'll watch a little with you, but I'm not going through this again.

We're watching The Jinks again. Did I talk about this last time? Yes. Oh, okay. It is so, I don't think I did, because we didn't have a podcast. It is so succession. It's just go watch the first, the opening graphics, which are the real home movies of the Dirst family.

Yeah. Are exactly what I think inspired. the open. I think we talked about it maybe in New York. Anyway, the last thing I'll say in case I did talk about it. And also it is literally the story of succession where Robert Durst was the oldest son and he was passed over by what he literally calls like the elders, the elder Durst and the family. So anyway. But it is so well done and worth watching again. I couldn't stop watching it. And then let's get down to Shlubby is Lane. in bed, donut pajamas on. Meanwhile, his wife, Blondie, has on a raspberry frilly negligee with the strap hanging off the left shoulder, her neck. If you could just see the nape of her neck, it just had this little crease by the collarbone. It's like she does her hair for bed. She tussles it up. The curls are winding down the back, and she's got these big lips, and her eyes are looking right at this

little iPad. And she goes, survey, is your husband a good listener? And he goes, speaking of that, listen to how loud my stomach is growling. Then he goes, what's that? You say, go check out the fridge. And then he leaves frame, and he can hear him say, I can hear cold cuts calling. I'd better jump on this one, honey. And she goes, in his defense, the survey didn't specify what kind of listening he's good at.

All right, here's the thing. No. Listening is not only done with your ears. It's done with your eyes. She is at a 45-degree angle. Face towards your crotch. Listen to that with your eyes. Smell her oil of a lay that she puts on before bed.

This shouldn't have been a questionnaire on mental illness. Yes. Hearing what, look, I get, listen, I'm just going to say it. I think she can do it. better. I'd stand behind that. Something we've never said before. Yep.

I feel like you've hit the nail on the head. I think that she could find a guy who doesn't wear donuts on his pajamas and leave a bed that she's laying in half naked to get a Maloney sandwich. Jesus Christ. Oh, it's disappointing. Well, you know, it's not disappointing is Surf Shark. If you go to surfshark.com, S-U-N-D-S-S-D-S-E-S-N-D. is the code.

Also, Fabric by Gerber. You're going to go to Meetfabric.com slash papers and let them know we sent you. Okay.

Thank you for to Gotham production Gotham production studios. And Mike, thank you.

I know you're injured. I know you have cancer. And I'm glad that you mustered it up and you got here today.

You're battling. So this is what I'm doing. You can't see it. I'm lifting my man boobs which are firm and strong and they are pulling down on this one so I am lifting

them in order to look higher up. That's what I'm going to be doing the rest of the day. You need a bra. Now I'm going to walk around like what is this, what is this posture walking around like just like angrily I'm like

maybe an assistant coach in a basketball pacing the sidelines like angrily with my arms crossed. That's what I'm going to look like when I walk around. Or I think you just found out your wife is cheating and you're trying to figure out what to do about it. Yeah, yeah, keeping my arms from grabbing weapons. Yeah, maybe that's what I'm doing. Or talking to chat, GBT. I'm going to go dress this wound, but I, and then I'm going to take

it e'esh, so I think everybody should take it eish. Take it,ish. Yeah. I open up the paper and the news is looking really. Every story's such a drag. Makes me mad and boiling mine. But the send-the-papers podcast with Greg and Mike. it all right.