Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 8/9/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: August 9, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Sponsored by Miracle Made — Go to TryMiracle.com/PAPERS and use code PAPERS to save over 40%, get an extra 20% off, plus a free 3-piece towel set. This week on Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike cover Sturgis, NFL misery, a terrifying amusement park malfunction, and the chaos of the legendary Action Park. A self-help throuple ends in lawsuits and accusations, biological warfare makes for some light summer reading, and Matthew McConaughey meets the Pope. Plus, aging rock stars who may not know when to call it quits, corrections from last week, This Day in History, obituaries, and the latest round of listener-submitted comic captions. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ready to take your investing knowledge to pro-level. This is Fidelity Connects, your daily edge in the markets. Get deep insights on real-time market topics that may impact your investment portfolio. Listen to Fidelity Connects on Spotify today and power your next move tomorrow. We'll go Sunday morning. Not off the presses. Coming into your earbuds. Feels early.

Feels early, I got to say, in the morning. My computer is out of my control. my cursory is moving around. Computer issues. Oh, I know what it is. I have my mouse. For the very first time, not even the first time today. That was going to be my joke.

But it's every time. What? You have computer. You have tech issues. Yep. Sound. Never mind. You forget to plug in headphones and you forget to record or your battery runs out of your recorder or your Wi-Fi is so slow.

I'm looking at a frozen Greg. And there's many more things that happen. Let me just jump back a few weeks to where your ISDN card was full. And your new Wi-Fi system, you bought a box from Verizon, which was some kind of a camping gear. I tried a one week. It was I announced it. I warned us there might be tech issues. I was trying a new thing.

You're trying to save $9. They're not ready for the podcast. The new tech. You should have to send $9 on a podcast that is making us dozens of dollars? It was, I think we're losing dozens. If we're lucky, $60 a month it was going to save. Wow. Hey, that's pretty good.

I'll take that. Are you kidding me? Yeah, yeah. That's two drinks in Santa Monica. You are nothing if not frugal. There's frugal, there's cheap, there's economical. Where would you put yourself? All right.

It's a problem. You know what it is? And maybe someone could speak. I'm sure our listeners love chiming in with their opinions about us. So someone take this one. There is frugal, but then, of course, giant blind spots like I'll pay, I'll spend ridiculous amounts of money on other things without thinking. But then on these, I kind of take it like as a challenge. and I don't value my time.

It's almost like there's a little spectrumy thing, which I don't think I'm, I think we're all, obviously, it's a spectrum. So we're all on it somewhere. I don't really identify myself as that. But I can get hung up on I am going to do this the most efficient way financially kind of thing. No, we will go out like when we went to see Dylan.

we drive out to the desert, we don't have tickets. You go, no, we're going to wait. We're going to wait till the day of. And then it's day of. You go, no, we're going to wait until before the concert. We drive up, we park, we're driving. You wait because tickets keep dropping, but they drop by like $9. No, come on.

Tom and I got in for like $30. Then we spent a half an hour because it takes time to download the tickets. to the app so you can show them to the person to actually get in. So for $9, we missed the first half hour, Lucinda Williams. No, that's not how it went up. First of all, you have to cut me some slack. I was buying tickets for six old elderly people. That's what was going on in that concert.

I was there with an elderly group that I drove there. Yeah. It was like I was a chaperone for you fucks. In Palm Springs, no less. Yeah. And so I had to buy everybody's ticket. and then anyway, Tom and I say the total. No, buying tickets last minute is the way to go.

That's different. Whatever happened to that sponsor? Remember we had that sponsor? He used to buy last minute tickets. Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me? What was it called? The name was, I'm sure everyone's screaming right now.

Game time. Game time. Whatever happened to game time. It's in the title. Huh. I know. How do we lose them? I mean, all we did was talk about them and use the product.

I just went last minute. Oh, I know why, because you guys didn't use the product. That's the key. It's really not about them paying us to do it. I would use them. No, I'm saying. Oh, I'm talking to the audience right now. Our friends would.

They would always call us like, what's the code? Yeah. I just used last minute. I went to see Sierra Farrell. I was supposed to see her last night. Today's Friday. I was supposed to see her last night. I was going to drive up alone.

Santa Barbara. And then all of a sudden I saw she added a show, first show of this tour at the Wiltern right here in Los Angeles. And that was Wednesday night. So I went, did my last minute ticket thing, got general admission, and she's just unbelievable, man. Yeah. Yeah. Ran into Bart Coleman there, of course, who's at seemingly every show. Literally have not been to a concert in Los Angeles, whether it's a folk act, like Sierra Farrell, or it's ACDC at the Rose Bowl. He's there. And he came back from the fish shows.

So he's a real fish head. And even he confirmed, it's like never before. Like this Madison Square Garden stint of fish, where they did theme shows. I'm not a fish head. I couldn't even name you a fish song from 93 to 96, but that's what they would do. This concert is like 94.

era. We're only going to play things we played from that era. And so a lot of covers also. So these fish shows were extraordinary. So we talked a little bit about how New York is just having the summer of its life. It went from when I was there, the Knicks overlap with World Cup. The World Cup was incredible in New York. After World Cup were those Jay-Z concerts at Yankee Stadium. The Who's Who came out. I mean, Rihanna, Eminem, everybody joined them. They were amazing. Then these fish shows. It's just this cultural phenomenon in New York.

The summer has been amazing. And how are the Mets and the Yankees doing? Yeah, I know. I'm not following them yet because it's not the playoffs. Right. Well, the Yankees have this new, you saw his first game, his debut. Who's that? This prospect, rookie, shortstop, home run, first game.

Oh, yeah? His first hit was a home run. His parents were there and his brother on the same day hit a home run on another team. Wow. Yeah. I should know more. I don't. Yankees right now are...

The Mets, I think, are disastrous, especially for that payroll. Yeah. All right, who cares? It's not the playoffs. Oh, but Jets preseason. That's what I'm really looking at. The... Yeah.

Now, what's the thing that's going to get you excited this year? What's going to get you into the first three weeks before you want to put a gun to your head? You know, that hasn't happened. It was just... Did they have a new quarterback or anything? Yeah, Rogers. Well, you know what it was? The Rogers year, coincidentally, they did that documentary series.

Hard knocks. They did hard knocks on the Jets that year. and I made the mistake of watching that. And that's when I realized I'm like, oh, man, I can criticize cults, but I would be, I would be swept into a cult. Are you kidding me? And so I was like, yep, I'm a believer. And that lasted four snaps, I think, four snaps, 40 seconds. Yeah.

Yep. Well, you never know. No, I know. Yeah. But Knicks will be exciting to see, you know, how they keep together. They've traded so it's not the same team, but, you know, we'll see how they do. Yeah. More people will be watching them regular season.

That's for sure. People love when we talk sports. I know. It's the most. Well, why don't we move it to a different sport, which is Sturgis? Sturgis, baby, the motorcycle rally. it's back. So today is Friday and today is opening day.

So when you are listening to this podcast, it'll probably be a blood bath by then because it's Sunday. But I did look up, even though it's starting today. I did look up, all I did was Google, crash and Sturgis. Those two words. And three people are killed in separate Black Hills crashes. And I'm not making light of that. It's horrible that they died.

The first accident, and I'm not joking, the first accident, 1 p.m., let's see, 46-year-old female, well, there you go, female from Sufell, struck by a victory jackpot. I don't even know what that is, driven by a 77-year-old Massachusetts, man. Now, if you're new to our Sturgis thing, my take is there are way too many old men on motorcycles who do not negotiate. negotiate corners well at all. And they are drawn to ditches. And now we have a Boston driver mixed with a woman driver. Yeah. In South Dakota.

This is the second one was 2 p.m. Three vehicle crash. 1953 Harley Davidson and a 56 Harley. We're traveling northbound on 385. Uh-oh. And they didn't negotiate the forerunner. And then there was a fourth unidentified vehicle. The Harley's attempted to stop.

And I'm just skimming and all I see is Toyota. Usually a Harley from the 1950s, the least of your problems is getting it to stop. The driver and passenger of the 53 Harley, both 69-year-old Illinois residents. Hey now. Unfortunately, they didn't make it. Hey, now. And yeah. So there you go.

Not a lot of details on those. But the details will come out. We'll have them next week where they talk about ditches and corners. We should send you out there as a correspondent one year with your moped that you drive. I should just have my microphone plugged into an iPhone, something really light and easy, fast and easy, and just be standing on a corner and just watch them sail by. Yeah? Yeah.

And I'll be safe if I'm on the outside of the corner, like the far end of the corner, because they don't make it to there. I don't think you'll be safe once they see your motor scooter that you drive. It is a motorcycle. I call it a city bike. It's a 400, man. 400 kilowatts? It was down at the Wiltern, baby. Park right in front.

You're taking it to the airport tomorrow? Of course I am. Are you kidding me? I feel sorry for you. Nice job. We're both flying in New York. We'll talk about why later. So I book a flight and then you're like, no, book this flight.

And so I switched my flight to the one you told me to take, which is connecting instead of direct. And then you go, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. I didn't take that one. I'm taking a different connecting flight. Well, no, no, hold on. The big news is you're flying into Westchester, right?

Yes. So that's submission accomplished. You were flying not, there's no non-stops into Westchester. Westchester makes it much easier for all of us. And when you factor in getting from JFK up to Westchester, you might as well connect. So that was good. But no, no, I brought up another flight and you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I go, you said it's way too expensive.

then I realized I was looking at a lower fare. This is so boring. But I was in the wrong week. I was another week. Another month, I mean, because when the thing popped up, it's showing me September. So anyway, also there is the fact you're on Delta, I think, right? Yeah. American now treats me very, very well.

I have the credit card and all that stuff. So I've already been upgraded. So I'm on the American. But the confusion was I looked at the wrong month. when I sent that low fare to you. All right, so let's get to it. Good luck, though. Good luck with your land around the same time.

I think so. Yes. Where do you connect? Minneapolis. Yeah, I'm O'Hare, I think. Okay, let's get to, hopefully the news is a lot better than this opening thing that we just did. I thought we're not done. I think the audience is.

We might as well stop talking because nobody's listening anymore. by the way, if you want to hear a great podcast, I feel like I did one of my top five podcasts the last 15 years this past week. Louis C.K. came on. He's only been on once before. And we just, we ran the gamut. We were laughing. We were silly. We were outrageous. He cried at one point. He was crying. And it's getting, it's getting a lot of attention. So give it a listen. I do want to listen to that. And then I had lunch this week, which sounds weird, but with Kevin Pollock,

who, like, just cannot say enough great things about you. Love Kevin Pollock. Oh, that's nice to hear. He is so funny, man. He really is. He's a funny dude. And he lives on the West Side. We've got to hang out with him more.

What an accomplished guy. He's, I mean, I think, like 170 titles on his... on MDB? It's like unbelievable. And not slowing down at all. Like, you know, he did one marvelous Mrs. Maisel and now like I think he's getting tons more work because of that. So he's

such a good. It was Kilbourne Pollack and I. We went to Vito's. I didn't know Vito's was, if you want a really heavy lunch that absolutely guarantees a nap, go to lunch at Vito. So we're in there. And so he, consummate

entertainer, he comes with bits. He does bits. It's almost like he's expecting like, well, that's my responsibility. So he goes, you want to see my three check bits? You know, when the check comes to the table? And he's like, okay. And he tells us what to do and all this. And at one point he goes, he puts it out there.

He goes, all right. He goes, Gibby, he goes, when I point to you, you subtly reach for the, for the check. So he's telling a story and he has his hands on the check. And he's telling it. And then he comes to me, like the check comes. and he puts he kind of brings the check towards him and then he's like telling a story telling a story but he goes on because i'm waiting for this queue a long but he goes on so long and that's the whole point because then he points to me and i suddenly reach for it and while he's telling the story he just nods like okay like okay you'll take it but doesn't break the story it's so good so anyway but the better part of this bit that he was doing he had a bunch of him but he's in the middle of like the second one And the waiter comes and starts to take it. And he's like, the broken English Italian waiter at Vito comes.

He's like this. And the guy goes, well, wait, hold on. And the waiter then knows he's been joking with the waiter before the end of the meal. So the guy's like, oh, what? Your math isn't? He's like, no, no, no. My math's fine. I'm doing a bit.

He's like, you're doing a bit. And like, couldn't explain that I'm doing a bit. And this is one of the props. Imagine trying to explain that to a busy waiter. So the guy completely stepped all over and ruined his bit. It was so funny. Yeah. I love the waiters at Vito's.

They've been there for like 40 years. They wear the jackets. They make the Caesar salad at the table for you, which is cool. Yeah. He was really, I mean, there was nothing that he didn't turn over. He's also so sharp and just lovely. But it's like a Caesar salad with chunks. of chicken and he's like, chunks,

maybe not a word you want to put on a food menu. They're like totally not understanding a word he's saying. Yeah. How is Kilbourne? Oh, amazing. So Kilbourne shot a movie and Pollock is in it. Pollock plays a little cameo. Oh, nice. I know. Is this the film that Pollock wrote? No. Kilbourne wrote and directed this man's stars in this movie.

Oh, no way. Really? Yeah. Yeah, so we'll probably have to have a moment. on and talk about it down the road. All right. He just finished shooting. This week's logo comes from Michael Solomon. It is from Name the Movie, Mike. It is Twins.

That's right. And our song this week is from Jess Hightower. And I believe your comment was, well, this is definitely not AI. It was. What he says, we can listen to it. We found our niche from front page. to the funnies. They even say, take it eish.

Yep. It's good. Wait, hold on. This classic movie reminded me. Somehow it came up at, oh, I know why it came up, of course. One of Kevin Pollock's most famous impressions is of Peter Falk.

Yeah. And so he's talking about Peter Falk. So Kevin Pollock, YouTube it. He does the Peter Falk impression, and he moves one eye to the side because Peter Falk had a, I'm just going to call it a crazy eye. I don't know technically what was going on with him,

but Peter Falk famously had one eye that was off. Kevin Pollack's impression includes that eye detail. And he goes, you know, one time I was out here, and my special, like just came out. I'm in a supermarket, all of a sudden, like, you, you're the guy. And he goes, Peter Fogg came up to me, and then he does the impression with the eye. And he gets right in my face, like,

how do you do that with your eye? So, so get this. I go, oh my God, I have a Peter Fogg story. I go, he's like one, and we bonded on. He's one of my favorite. I was obsessed with Peter Falk. The character actor, we went by all the Casavetti's movies. He's in like all this stuff.

And, and serious movies where he's like a gangster and all of that. And then I go, well, Kilbourne, the reason I'm telling it is because it's a Kilbourne story. And I go, he embarrassed me once. He hears during the day that Gibbons, you know, Peter Fawkes on that night. Gibbons is obsessed with Peter Falk, like, especially the in-laws. Pollock then goes, easily, often my number one comedy of all time. It never leaves it like the top five. And I go, same exact thing. And he goes, it is like, it's so sad. And he goes, and my friends made this, the remake of the in-laws. And he goes, and it's so sad a remake was even made. And it should not have been made.

So we talk about the in-laws. And anyway, listeners, your takeaway from the, should be you have to watch the in-laws. So, anyway, Kilbourne, like, obsessed. I go, it was like a screensaver in college. That, the last waltz and the shining, depending on what mood when we came back from the bars, that's what was on our TV, VHS. And so, and I go, I could quote like the whole movie. Cut to Peter Fox in the chair, commercial break.

All of a sudden I see Kilbourne lean over him and point at me. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, this isn't happening. And all I do is want to, like, walk away and leave the room because I'm at the producers lectern right across from them. And then all of a sudden, Peter Falk turns to me, points like, that guy. And I'm like, no, no, no.

And he waves me over. And I go, no, no, it's all good. It's okay. He's like, come on. So I go over. He stands up. You know, music is playing loud in the room during the commercial break. He grabs me by the neck and brings my ear down to his level and goes,

he tells me you can quote the whole movie. He's like, what's your favorite quote? I'm like, good fucking Lord. this is not happening. So I kind of panic and all this, but I do have one. I go, and I shake my head, I go, it's a weird one. And I go, it's during the drive. So I'm telling this story.

I go, it's during the driving. And Pollock slaps the table at Vito and leans back and goes, go ahead. Don't tell me. And I go, it's when you're on the highway, you're doing the U-turn. You go, Shell, next time we're a Tihada shell. They make a chicken set and Kevin Pollock loses it. That's Kevin Pollock's favorite line ever. And this was his favorite story because I go, I go, next time we're in Tehada Shell.

And Peter Falk smashes my chest, pushing me away from him and goes, that line was improvised. And then he tells me the whole story about how that line was improvised because there was no copy written for when they were doing all these stunts. Anyway, great bonding because of all, of all lines, that's Kevin Pollack's favorite line. I don't believe I ever saw the in-laws. You have to be. Absolutely joking. I don't think I ever saw it. I think I've seen clips from it, but I never saw the movie.

And, I mean, talk about being on the same wavelength. You know, a lot of people who, the line that always gets, so Kevin Pollock literally goes, when I'm telling that story, he goes, don't say serpentine because that's the line that's in the trailer that's the line i mean i don't want to say this yeah but generally that's maybe a less sophisticated viewers favorite line from them less sophisticated comedy wise from the like for us i think it it would seem a little like low-hanging fruit that that line and and of course i mean next time we're in tehadas shell like that that line is you've seen it so many times, you're now, and I'll admit, you're picking the esoteric line. Like, it's probably not, there's so many funny lines in it, but that one stood out to me.

All right, corrections. On today's episode following the mention of the Art of Noise, you transition into a segment of Herbie Hancock's Rocket. Since the Art of Noise released moments in love that same year, and both music videos have a very similar aesthetic, I wanted to suggest that you might have mixed the two. Well, apparently I did because I heard that from about 14 different people. Oh, wow. Art of noise. Bamp, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I'm wondering, and I fear asking this question, is this from your other podcast?

Is that possible? I would love another correction added to this one. Let's see. That's from Hugh. Jim said I watch the Sunday Papers regularly. It's a great show. That's definitely about this one. Oh.

But it bothers me that you base your, this week in the news answers based on your misconception that the American Civil War was during the 1840s. I clocked that last week, too. That's why I was surprised. I was like, wait, dude, you just said it was civil war. And you guessed like 15 years earlier. Yeah, I got about 72 corrections on this one as well. That was this podcast.

It turns out the Civil War was in. I'm sorry, it's coming up in 2006, second half of the year. Who do you like? I like the cities, man. I'm going to take the cities. That's all I'm going to say. See, I did that? I didn't take a side.

I'm going to take the cities. Although the cities are kind of all blue. Even Texas. Like Houston's blue, Austin's blue. Is Houston blue? Yeah, Houston's blue. It is far from all blue. I'll tell you that.

right now. Far from all blue, but the last election, they voted blue. I'm going to get corrected on that. Let me check on that right now. That's like saying Nashville is blue. Nashville's blue, but I mean, it is not only surrounded by red, but it is divided by red. Every, I mean, it is hard to get a southern state to be like a solid blue patch. It's impossible, actually. Houston is politically blue, also features a historic light blue color identity. Politically, the city leans democratic. Yeah. I know it's fat.

It's the fattest city in America. It was a lot of blue. It's heavy shades of blue. Their circulation. Their feet are blue. Their extremities are all blue. Yeah. Big blue neck veins.

We got tour dates coming up to St. Pete's at the Joke World Festival, August 14th and 15th, and I'll be coming to Cincinnati and Columbus the week after that. Vancouver, La Jolla, Batavia, Illinois, Toronto. Go to Fitzdog.com. Get some tickets. Come out and say hi. Also, always want to give a shout out to Gotham Production Studios, doing a great job, producing, editing, uploading, and sharing the show.

Only they could correct your facts on the fly if they had that text. I know. Yeah, we should discuss that with Matt. He's just sitting there, you know, watching Buffalo Bills clips on his cell phone. Did I miss somehow he's a Bills fan? He wears a jersey every single day. I should tell him when the Giants beat the Bills and it was this Scott, what's his name, missed field, you know, field goal.

Uh, Norton, he can chime in if he wants. Um, I actually wrote a letter to that kicker because the giants couldn't, New York and New Jersey couldn't get their shit together and throw a parade. And Buffalo had the most heartwarming fucking parade all cheering this poor kicker who missed, who missed it. and they would have won the Super. Scott Norwood. 47-yard field goal attempt wide right with eight seconds left, gave the Giants a 20 to 19 win in Super Bowl 25. And meanwhile, I'm not a Giants in,

but I, of course, was rooting for the Giants to beat them. But I did give them props, man, that their city had so much more heart and soul than we did, that the winners couldn't even get a fucking parade together. And they did, and it was beautiful. Yeah. You know what was the saddest parade of all time was when the Rams won the Super Bowl. It was like three people deep along the side of the parade route.

It was unbelievable. Also, worth noting, this is a parade in January or February in Buffalo. Yeah. Like that shouldn't parade, winter parade, Buffalo, that shouldn't even like, there should be. be zero Google results. Yeah. Also, today's show is brought to you by the fine folks at Miracle Made Sheets. They're on my bed.

Tell me a batch of sheets, Mike. You were saying, because I go, oh, I have a story about me. I go, that's going to be gross. A batch of her talking about his sheets. And I go, well, they were soaked. So here's, it is the furthest thing from sexy, actually. So I've started whatever. I'm sore as fuck.

And my Achilles, I'm very worried it's going to snap. So anyway, I'm icing my ankle. And I iced it. And I didn't even realize, I forgot I had those sheets on. And all of a sudden, the ice bag leaked. And it's like all of a sudden there's this big wet spot on my sheets, on my bed. And so I dry it up as best I can. I'm like, oh, man, I go, you know, if these were cotton sheets and like low tech and they

were shitty and inferior. It would take a long time for them to dry. So anyway, I kind of like aired them out and lost, and they evaporated. It was like it was like almost like wicking away the moisture. And I think it's worth bringing up because I think that's the high tech that these sheets are bragging about. Well, that's the thing. We're trying to get you guys to buy sheets.

All right. That's why we're talking right now. And it's not because. That's my what spot on a sheet story. Not because they were NASA inspired. and we don't mean NASS off from the Bahamas. We're talking about Elon Musk program. And I'm kidding.

And they stay fresh longer. They stay clean longer because they have this. The silver technology fights bacteria. But also, if you spill water on them, as Mike said, they will dry faster. That's the main reason to buy these sheets. Well, that's why they're cooler. It's great. they regulate your body temperature because of this incredible fabric if you sleep hot my wife sleeps hot

I sleep cold and we are both happy this will save your I don't know if it'll save your marriage it saved mine and I'm not just saying that to sell sheets these sheets saved my marriage and for those who aren't married who might experience wet spots because let's face it married I don't think are. These are for you. Also, don't forget that the feeling of them is, I'm talking, I stay in some good hotels sometimes, like five-star hotels when I'm opening for somebody really big.

And this is what it feels like at the four seasons. They're soft, smooth, they're beautiful. If you go to try miracle.com slash papers to Try Miracle Made Sheet. today, you'll save over 40%. And when you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off, plus a free three-piece towel set. Plus, there's a 30-day money-back guarantee.

You have nothing else. That's tri-miracle.com slash papers. promo code papers. Thanks to Miracle Maid for sponsoring this episode. There you go, pal. Let's get into it. You have a piece of paper? You want me to use this bag again?

Use the bag. All right. There we go. This is your story. See, we try to stay apolitical on this show, but sometimes the first two words of the podcast are the Trump administration. Hold on. Speaking of that, so last night, Olivia and I, she's been here all week. Olivia and I look for something to watch.

She's never seen, she's working at HBO right now. She's never seen the jinx. Remember the jinx? Yeah. So we started watching. And I go, oh, you know, I've seen it. so I might get bored, especially with the backstory. You should watch the Jinks.

It's unbelievable how much succession took from the Jinks. They have his home movies. I'm not even kidding you. I've made opening titles back when I worked in HBO on air promos. I think they were like, that is the model. We can even base the shots of them playing in the yard, the old home movies of the Durst family. Also, if you Google,

jinks succession, a million results come up because that's where the oldest son was passed over to succeed the Durst Empire and the Durst Empire had older, it wasn't just the father but it was his other brother and stuff. So the elders, as he called him in the jinks. So unbelievable succession vibes in the jinks.

Here's another HBO show that we missed the first time around. And I was like, somebody mentioned it. And I was like, I never watched it. Did you see Carnival? No, I never watched it. It was kind of a sleeper. Nobody saw it.

And it's actually really good. It's, it's quirky. And it's fun. Was it the follow-up? What was it the follow-up to? It's not a follow-up. It's just a, it's two seasons. It's about traveling.

It wasn't the follow-up to the wire. Traveling circus in the 30s. No, no, no. The same team. Anyway, I'm sure it's something like that. Oh, is it the same creation? Creative team? I don't know.

Yeah, that's what I mean. I don't know. Anyway. But my whole point of saying it is there's a woman, Clea DeVall. Have you seen a girl named Jane Wickline on SNL? Of course. Okay. Clea Deval, who's not related to Robert Duval or the one from The Shining.

Yeah, Shelly. Shelly DeVall. They are fucking clones. It is so weird. Like the second she comes on saying, She's like, how did Jane Wickline go back to make this show in the 80s? Oh, wow. Yeah, it's really weird.

But it's a great show. It sounds like it may not be complimentary to Jane. I think they're both very pretty. There you go. They're very dry. Good safe. Very dry. Wait, wait, I was bringing up the jinx because not only succession,

um, oh, shit. I forget one. Sorry, cut you off. Oh, because. One of the bombastic idiots who, the jinx is a documentary, one of the bombastic idiots who's interviewed a lot is Jeannie Piro. She was the DA in Westchester. She was out of White Plains. She is, and even Olivia's like, this woman, I'm like, okay, and I paused.

I go, this woman is on the front page news today because Trump wants to fire her. So anyway, that's another story that's going on. But Jeannie Piro is all over the jinx, and she's just as much a complete idiot then. The Trump administration wants soldiers to consider becoming truck drivers when they leave the military to help replace the tens of thousands of immigrant drivers who lost their licenses in a crackdown this year. A new campaign launched last week will promote programs that let veterans who recently drove large military vehicles to skip the required skills test for a commercial test. driver's license. The GI Bill will also pay for 100% of commercial driver's license training

and pay a housing allowance while they are in school. The problem is the rigs, I think these rigs were built for Latino drivers, so now they're going to have to refit it and create more legroom for the white soldiers. I think Trump's going to force them all to drive Waymo's. That's my, that's what I think. That's the solution. That's his understanding of it. Yeah, just no understanding. Right. Doesn't like it. Yeah.

It's Janine Piro, by the way. It's just bad. Oh, there you go. Well, this is great. My Amazon delivery guy is going to lob a package over my fence, but first he's going to take a bite out of the corner of it and then duck into the bushes. What is what I want to follow up to is all the ice. You know, none of them are going to meet their quotas.

We're very few and all this. And then they don't get paid. It's going to be. there's going to be an ice backlash from ice that's what i'm looking forward to oh yeah yeah so he's got that to think about what about all of them who he's promised employment too yeah i think they they got bonuses promised up front but they're they're i don't know i think he's going to make ice that they didn't get i think he's going to make ice become drivers also is my point oh i see Well, they just, I think late last night, they approved another like $8 billion funding bill for more ice.

It's just doubling down on things he's getting the message that are not working. The married self-help influencers behind the popular, quote, holistic psychologist empire. I have never even heard of this. Well, they preached peace and trauma recovery while boasting about their thruple lifestyle to millions. of followers until the third wheel and their relationship sued, claiming she was abused and cheated out of a fortune. This is three women. Clinical psychologist Nicole LaPera, 43,

and her spouse Lauren Galvin, creators of a mega-popular Instagram account and numerous books, are being sued by their former lover, Jenna Weakland's Weakland, who claims she was erased from the brand and denied a three-and-a-half-million-dollar payday when their Phoenix area love nest fell apart. First of all, I left a photo in there. Nicole and Lauren, who is the original couple, are the ones in the left in the middle,

and they're smoking hot. And then along comes to third wheel, Jenna Weakland, who's kind of like a seven. She looks pretty attractive to me. Not for lesbians. Oh, okay. Anyway. These don't look like lesbians either.

No, they do not. Which is a very appropriate thing to say, I know. Weekland alleges she was instrumental to building the holistic psychology brand. She was bullied by her lovers, and she said La Pira threw her down the stairs. La Pera and Galvin countersued and alleged that their ex-assalted Galvin blew a million dollars in fraudulent spending and vowed chaos into their lives while being, little more than a customer service agent for the brand, blah, blah, blah. It sounds to me like someone's menstrual cycle didn't sync up with the other two. That's your take?

Yeah. Things would have been perfect. 43, maybe menopause starting? No, not these days. Perlimatose? Prods are taken now. I mean, look, a thruple? I mean, just a three-way, just a one-night-stand three-way is a unicorn.

But a thruple is like an ambidextrous albino unicorn. It just can't happen. It's impossible. It's the unicorn of unicorns? Yes. Well, the divorce stats are not in their, I mean, that's one of my favorite things. And Bill Burr has a great bit about it. I think Jim Jeffries also talks about it.

but lesbians have the highest divorce rate by double, which I find so amusing. And so I looked up some things here. So studies of heterosexual relationships show that women have higher relationship standards than men. So they're trying to explain it. And one theory that's been debunked was the U-Haul theory. There's a joke that what does a lesbian bring on a second day to U-Haul because they move in so fast with each other.

And what does a gay guy bring on a, on a second date. Probably another dude. No, what second date? Oh, I got you. I like it. So, 69 to 90% of heterosexual divorces are initiated by women. I don't know why they don't have that number dialed in more than 70 to 90%.

But anyway, lesbian relationships have two women in them. So if both women follow the female pattern of a woman. initiating divorce, it makes sense that lesbian divorce rates are double. Does this mean our standards are too high? I don't think so. That's what this person said. Instead, I believe that women know in our hearts the depth of intimacy that is possible and we don't want to settle for less. I would say that I would somewhat agree with that statement if you change the last word from less to work, which is we know in our hearts the depth of intimacy

that is possible and we don't want to settle for work. I think men realize relationships are work. Anyway, in this article there's a like all the comments are really funny. One comment just said

two women, who wins the arguments? Yeah. Who's placating the other at some point? It is an interesting question because you think about, you know, just archetypal dynamic of a male and a female in a relationship. It really is like a point counterpoint. You know, one is, you know, look, I don't want to do broad stroke of what a male and a female does in a relationship.

But when you take those components out, the things that we deny exist and then you see what's left, it's like, yeah, It's like, I was thinking about this the other day, like, what if I was married to a guy and we were friends and then we fucked? It would be like, oh, God, I can't still hang out with you. That was weird. What an insight. What an insight. I don't know why I was thinking about fucking guys, but. Obviously, a lot of women can relate to this, but like the usual, the absolute standard.

When guys are hanging out is like, oh my God, she's furious at me, this, and then talking about how much they masturbate, how they do it as soon as like they should have their garage door when the wife's car leaves, that should just open you porn for me automatically on the laptop. And I don't think women are living lives where they've just surrendered so much. You know what I mean? Yeah. Of course many have. And many have surrendered more and they're with assholes. I get all that, but I'm just talking in, as you said, in the broad strokes. That is the usual.

That is the 80% or maybe more of guys. It's they have surrendered so much. And to women's credit, I don't think they surrender as much without putting up a fight in a longer fight, I think. And that's not a backhand compliment. I really believe that. Well, I think it's maybe the other reason why women can't hold jobs. Is that what's happening now, too? Yeah.

It's like, you know, you got to mail it in. At a certain point at a job, you got to just, you know, say fucking. Yeah, this is unfair. And that's how the world works. We're not going to change the world with this company. Women's companies are always trying to change the world, you know. They always, the word heart is always in the mission statement. God bless them.

I love it. Yeah. They want to bring a heart into everything. It's all about the heart. heart. It's all about the heart, right, ladies? And you can't do it. As we get older and closer to death, I'm more aligned with that. You know what I mean? But in your 20s and 30s, you view it way more as military. Like, what objective is objective achieved? Is it? What do we do to achieve the objective? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, let's get to the next story. Thrill seekers at a popular New Jersey amusement

Park screamed in terror as they were left dangling upside down after a ride broke down mid-cycle. Riders were stuck in the air for five to seven minutes when the wipeout ride at Playlands Castaway Cove at the Ocean City Boardwalk malfunctioned on July 5th. I'd say a lot malfunctioned at the Castaway Cove at the Ocean City Boardwalk. I think the Ferris wheel was the least of the things that were going horribly wrong that weekend on the Jersey shore. Get me down, one rider yelped in a video.

You're all right, honey. You're all right. A woman shouted back trying to reassure the terrified thrill seeker. And it was New Jersey, so they were hanging upside down. Everybody's planned B's, their roofies, their switchblade combs all came flying out of their

pockets. Okay. I'm going to see of this search. if you put in never mind YouTube just in Janice roller coaster this is from my Tosh's yes of course all you have to do

is Google Janice roller coaster it is a I think Janice I don't know is Janice the aunt maybe it's not the mom or it can anyway is with this portly boy and it does not

go well in the roller coaster for the poorly boy and he keeps screaming, Janice, Janice, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. It is so worth watching because Janice cannot even reply. She's laughing so hard. And this kid is very close. If he wasn't as poorly, he would have been jettisoned from this roller coaster. But the straps are basically strangling him. It is so, so worth looking up.

And I love that you can just Google Janice, a roller coaster, and not even be in YouTube, and it'll send you the video. But this is in the long history of New Jersey amusement parks. I mean, one of our first podcasts, we talked about the Action Park documentary. Oh, yeah. Which has the nicknames, the park, class action park, traction park. traction park and accident park just to give you a little flavor on action park and what was going on there I still I mean it's so funny I have certain years of my life that I have very vivid memories from like if you were to ask me what happened in my 40s I could name a couple things but you take me when I was 12 years old I'll tell you every day

and that summer I remember we used to go to actually Park all the time. And I can remember the fucking smell of the over chlorinated pool. And it had a, it had a slide that went straight down. And then just had a lip. It just had a flip at the end. And you just got hurled into a pool that was about three feet deep. And there were 20 people in front of you when you landed in the water. It was insane. I was going to say they're most infamous. But they, They honestly had like five infamous. They had 10 to 15 things that were super dangerous. But one of the most infamous was that it was a slide you were in, a water slide.

The alpine. With the loop. Yep. And you often did not make it through this giant loop at the end, like you're a hot wheels car. Yeah. It was really, you have to watch the documentary. No, and I third time about the alpine. The alpine slide, you're in a cart with wheels.

and it's a half a tube made of concrete. And you go flying down that. And people would regularly flip over the side of it into the woods. Yeah. There's no shortage of atrocities and super dangerous rides. And the lifeguards were all stoned. It was understaffed. People were having sex in the employee little office.

But they like knew, all the employees knew, like the, on a first, name basis with all the paramedics because they were there so often. Oh no, they ended up hiring their own ambulance. Taping heads to stretchers. They ended up, they ended up buying their own ambulance, the Action Park. It's so great. Because the city said we're not going to keep coming every day. We grew up with those ads.

You grew up going there. I think I went there once. Action Park. Yeah. All right. Let's get to. And then, yeah. And just when you think you've survived.

that you get to get on the new jersey turnpike and go home yeah exactly all right defining oh maybe we save this for next week because we're pretty far along here okay tough guy the new york times had a thing where they try to define by objects what it means to be american today and they put together 25 objects revealing something about as if like you could put that in a time capsule so i'm going to quiz you, don't look it up this week on what you think those 25 objects are. All right. This is good because I'm starting to wake up. Sorry, I've been very groggy.

I didn't sleep at all last night, but I feel like I'm finally awake for this podcast. I think Action Park did it, buddy. Yeah. How about, how about, since you're awake and ethical question? Okay. Here we go. All right, Pally. Am I obligated to tell, well, this is a very good L.A. question.

Am I obligated to tell my friends? how bad their Botox looks. They're increasingly critical of themselves, and I don't think they realize how extreme it's become. So this is the plastic surgery question, you know what I mean? Like, you wonder how people go that far down that road when it's not going well anymore. I mean, my answer is very simple.

I couldn't be friends with somebody. I couldn't tell this to, and I couldn't be friends with somebody who wouldn't tell me this. This is like 101. We have friends that get Botox. And I say to them, you look fucking, I go, it's like, I don't want to freak you out,

but it doesn't matter because you wouldn't look freaked out if I did. You know, like I, we make fun of them. We make front of Tom's fake teeth. And it's like, you know, if you're friends with somebody, you communicate through humor, but it's the truth. It's a really, like great delivery system for the truth

is making them laugh. I think Tom actually looks good. The only reason we're making fun of his teeth is they, when he sneezes, they fly out of his face. So it's hard to ignore. Or he eats corn or an apple or anything. How dare he eat? Corn on the cob.

You got to hang that up, Tom. That's no longer forget that. By the way, he... Apples? Please don't. Did you go to see his friend speak? No. What is her name? Amy.

Who just wrote the book? Yeah. On chemical warfare, no. I just read the book. Oh, I heard it's terrifying. It is... Hold on, I got to look at her name. It is...

Hold on. Amy biological. I don't know if it's Amy. Isn't it? But anyway, she wrote her book before that was about aliens, I believe. Like how much the government knows what they know and all that stuff. Yeah, no, it is, oh, Annie, Annie Jacobson. And the book is called Biological War.

And it's basically all the things that we used to freak out about with the nuclear war. Isn't it funny? Like, we grew up in the 70s going into the, the cubby room where you put the coats and putting our fucking heads between our knees as a regular drill. Like nuclear war was existential. People were stressed out about it. Like the way people are stressed out today by politics and Iran or whatever, like it was way worse in the 60s and 70s. And then nobody really talked about biological weapons in any real way. They are a way bigger threat because you don't need missiles delivering them.

They can be manufactured here in the U.S. by a foreign agent and released. And once you release, they specifically talk about it's called the plague. It's a plague virus. And it exists in hundreds of level four facilities around the world in like 57 different countries and all you got to do is give it a one fucking person and they will spread it and once you have it it's a hundred percent lethal and the and the uh and because it's in your lungs everybody catches it's crazy and she plays out a scenario a very very realistic scenario of how it spreads around the world and we all die so you got to pick it up it's real fun summer reading

So you would tell your friend if they had too much Botox. Yes. I think Botox helps a lot of people. I've never had it. But I think it helps a lot of people. I think Tom does, and he's doing it for his interviews and on camera and all that stuff. And he's older than we are. So I don't know.

But about comedians that use it? I'm sure. But if you're in front of the camera, but that's different. So I would not tell Tom because he doesn't look that bad, but I would tell him if I thought it was too much. Yeah. I think.

I think I would be like, hey, you should slow down on that. Like, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yes. Yes. All right. Another one. My partner lied about his marriage then dumped me.

Should I go quietly? I no longer know whether his wife ever consented to our relationship, much less encouraged it. I think we have to know more details. I don't think I can help this woman. So in other words, she had an affair with a married man. The married man left her. And now she's wondering if the guy's wife was okay with them having an affair?

Well, he dumped her. And now she's wondering, he probably lied, it seems, saying that his wife knew the whole time. Maybe, of course, it was probably one of those. I'm going to leave her and we're already talking about and she knows about you and all of that stuff. I think that's probably

the number one thing that has kept me from ever having an affair is to not have to do have to play out any of those trite scenarios. That's the reason you don't have a fair. My wife's okay.

We don't have sex anymore so she's okay with this or hiding your wedding ring and saying you'd never been married. Whatever it takes to cheat. It's too much effort. I used to have the old joke of like, yeah, but you might bring home a disease if you cheat on your wife. And my whole thing was like, but then how's the wife going to catch it?

There's no way for her to catch it. The best is if he broke up with her, like, yeah, you know, I don't think he's going to work out. I just, I can't be with someone who's morally compromises. She's sleeping with a married man. Sorry, you did this. Well, I think that's actually true. Like, if you meet somebody and they were dating somebody or married at the time, guess what?

They're going to cheat on you. That's a lock. Yeah, maybe. If you're betting on Kalshi, which are they not a sponsor anymore either? We had them every week. Maybe it was just a World Cup thing. Yeah. I think they just used us for the World Cup.

Oh, no. An advertiser using us? By the way, I have not looked at Kalshi since the World Cup. Have you? I did. And I lost a bunch. See, now we're talking about it. Well, now we can say words like bet and lost, which were outlawed when we did the ads.

We had a, did you make a prediction? Yeah. I forget what I bet on. It did not go well, though. Oh, I could call it up. Anyway, let's get to entertainment. Let's do it. So I saw O'Mary in New York and it was amazing.

Maya Rudolph in the lead. Before that it was pronounced, whatever name is from 30 Rock. Jane Krakowski. I saw it when it was Jane Krakowski. So there are this list of what I'll call affectionately crazy women, women who could play crazy. For instance, I think Molly Shannon should do it. I mean, SNL has a long list of them. and I was so excited to see who else is going to do it.

Now it's coming to Los Angeles. Well, headline this week, Bowen Yang is to make his Broadway debut as Mary Todd Lincoln and O'Mary. The comic actor who ended a celebrated run on Star Night Live last year will begin a 12-week engagement in mid-September. I would be, listen, I've met Bowen Yang. I kind of worked with him on, we did a week engagement. the sketch on the Emmys last year. Super nice guy. Personally, I'd be disappointed if I was in New York.

That's my time to see. Oh, Mary, and he's Mary. Well, I mean, like Mary Todd, though, he is gay and is boring on Saturday nights. So it might work. I just think that he, when the camera's on, tends to go, it's hard to describe this,

like over the top in a way that's different than Maya Rudolph. Like it's less, it's more like not genuinely playing a crazy character. It's so aware of the audience. He's disconnected from the other performers, I find. Yeah, he's more connected to the audience, which sometimes works with people, but not, anyway, it's personal. And just personally, I don't think. think he does crazy like these women I've listed can do.

Well, she was the first lady. Kristen Whig? Holy crap. Kristen Whig would be unbelievable. Yeah. Anyway, I could do a bunch of low-hanging fruit jokes, but I'm going to show some restraint and get to this next story. Matthew McConaughey and his wife, Camila Alvese, McConaughey, were part of the Pope's general audience this week.

Pope Leo the 14th shook the actor in his wife's hands and posed for a photo in Vatican City. The Pope and the actor spoke briefly. McConaughey and his wife have been spending time in Italy as he filmed the Netflix movie Positano. And I guess the Pope asked McConaughey to confess his sins. And McConaughey said he wasn't Catholic. And the Pope said, please, please. What? He wants to hear all the nasty shit the McConaughey's done.

Oh, I got you. I got you. And tell me about fucking Penelope Cruz. I think McConaughey did the Holy Trinity in front of them. All right, all right, all right. That's what everyone should say when they make the sign of the cross, I think. The Pope lit incense. And then McConaughey let the Pope smell his finger.

Oh, was that what it was? Yeah. You really think, yeah, all right. Well, that's Alves, man. We're talking about her smell, I think, is what you're talking about. No, I think his finger has so many different aromas. Like, the Pope is like a dog. He could sense the last 10 to 12 women on the finger.

The quick story. The quick story I've told before on the podcast, but when my dad was young and he was making it with Esté, they've already made it at that point. And so my dad, Estée Lauder, had a men's fragrance, And my dad was running that. And so the Pope famously came to New York. I think it was like the 80s or 90s. And it was at St. Patrick's. And it was the who's who of New York. And they were all lined up. But it was really like the thing, the hottest ticket. And I think she got in, but he used my dad's Catholic connections. Anyway, they're online. She's sussing it out. She sees all the power brokers behind her and everybody. And it literally is like the most exclusive list of New York. and then she goes, give me some aramis.

And he's like, what are you talking about? He's like, give me some aramis. And he's like, I don't have a fucking purse. Like men don't carry their cologne with them. She's like, get fucking. So he goes out to her security guard who's outside. He goes, run over to Bergdorf for sex and get aramis right now. Hurry.

Guy comes back. My dad goes back. He's like, all right, I got aramis. What the fuck is this about? She said, give it to me, give to me. They're about to meet the pope. She sprays it on her hand. And my dad's like, what the fuck is going on?

So everybody was kissing the Pope's ring. So she then takes the Pope's hand, smudges. She has aramis all over her fingers, smudges it on the Pope's hand, kisses his ring and leaves. My dad then kissed the ring is kind of like, whoa, that's fucking strong. And then goes, what the fuck you do? She's like, everyone in this church will now think that the Pope wears aramis. My God. That's how savvy that bitch was.

Yeah. That was Este Loder? That was Estee Lauder. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Talk about product placement. Nicely done. Well, I mean, I thought I've told these stories before, but like her start was she's Jewish Brooklyn girl.

Estee Lauder. Her name is not Estée Lauder. So Joe Lauder's her husband. And Estée didn't have the Hum Laud or whatever. I don't even know. It's so pretentious. I don't even know what it's called over the second E or of the two E's at the end. So anyway.

It was probably Estelle. I know. And I should look up her real name while I'm telling this story. I used to know it. So she's growing up in Brooklyn, whole immigrant experience in Brooklyn. And her uncle, I think, made a moisturizer in the bathtub. That went on to become, according to her naming it, a dramatically different moisturizer, which was one of their first famous products.

And then she starts a company, and she's in New York. And now she has to get a lawyer because she's branding. and anyway, they print out the first labels for the dramatically different moisturizer and it says Estee Lauder and it says New York, Paris, London. And they're so excited and they're celebrating the London and the lawyer goes, so you're in London and Paris. She's like, no. And he's like, well, you can't have this label then.

You can't go wide with this. If it says, she's like, are you fucking, it was like annoying. She's one of those. Same with my dad. Like details are, like just steamroll. forward. We are moving forward. We're not going to let details interrupt the flow. So she's like, are you shitting me? She's like, all right, let's set a meeting for next week. She sets a meeting for next week with the lawyer. She flies to Paris and London. She finds a high-end pharmacy. And she goes,

I put these on your shelf. You don't even like, I think she rigged it so they didn't have to pay her for them. They're a great product. Put a money. Blah, blah, blah. She comes back to me. She's like, I'm in Paris and London. That's amazing. Yeah. Her real name was Esther Menser. There you go. Yeah.

hilarious. All right. And his name, Lauder was L-A-U-T-E-R, Joseph. And he changed it to louder. Yeah, I think they wanted people to say Laudère. Okay, here we go to Make America, Florida. All right. I love a detail in this story.

story. Florida man stalked a woman he met on dating app, stole her late son's ashes when she cut off contact. A Florida man was arrested Saturday after he GPS tracked a woman he met on a dating app. The victim told deputies that Fountain, the guy, sent her threatening text messages. Fountain also texted the victim, here you go, because she was refusing to see him. So he texted her that he had taken the teddy bear, contained. her son's ashes. And if she did not respond, he would burn it when she continued to ignore him. So let's just review.

No, don't burn my son's ashes. Imagine holding them up in that threatening gesture with a lighter under him. I'll do it. I will do it. One more move. If you do not text me back. Say goodbye to these ashes. Oh my God.

Yeah. That's like, do you remember the movie Wait Until Dark? Of course. Well, that was a, it was a heroin stuffed teddy bear, remember? Coincidentally, Kevin Pollock Kilbourne and I, because we talked, we were talking about, what's his name, Alan Arkin from the in-laws. Unbelievable. And then he could also play terrifying. Wayne till dark.

Right. Right. Okay. You're going to make America, Kentucky again. This is just about someone being hangary. Kentucky woman charged after allegedly pointing rifle at KFC employee over drive-through weight. This woman became impatient with the delay of her order from the drive-through window and engaged in an argument with the employees. Then she got out of the line and going into the restaurant's parking lot.

There she opened her car trunk and took out an AR-15 rifle and pointed at one of the workers in a threatening manner, according to police. She then drove away, sadly, without her order. Oh. I like to think she's like, here's my secret recipe, KFC. Here's my spices. Right, right. Yeah. Seven bullets. Yeah. 11.

Well, luckily there was a colonel in the restaurant who could protect them. The colonel's going to take care of business, of course. He's not a captain. He's a fucking colonel. I remember when my brother went to Fordham in the Bronx, and there was a, there was like two safe bars because that was a bad neighborhood. Oh, yeah. It was literally one of the worst neighborhoods in the Bronx. I just picture white castles there. That's all the thing.

That's the only lights on other than the fire's burning. You picture the what? White castles everywhere. Oh, that's exactly what my story was. There was two bars. There was the lantern and there was the, I forget the Clark's. Clark's and the lantern were these two bars that the college students would go to. They were like a block away.

And then the White Castle was right on the end of that block. And so you drink and then you go to White Castle. but you were with fucking hoodlums. And when you go up to the window, you order and then you put your money, there's a bulletproof window with one of those like, what do you call the spinning windows? Yeah, a carousel like thing. Like a carousel thing.

Turn style. And you put your money through that and then they give you your hamburgers through the bulletproof carousel back again. I know, if you think about how many times we've gone into a bodega, where it's two-inch bulletproof fiberglass between you and the guy. Right. Imagine like that's your job. Like, okay, you're training the, you know, the drive-through personally.

And here's where you give them your sandwiches. Like, wait, what's good? Why does this look like I work in a zoo with ferocious animals? Like, is there like a lion on the other side? Right, right. All right. Let's get down to, let's skip sports. and get down to this day.

Let's do this day. I got to hold on. Oh, paper bag, wrinkle. All right, there wasn't a lot. Give or take, I don't even know what to tell you on this one. How much you know about Jack the Ripper? Almost nothing. I'm going to say, I'm going to give you a quarter century on either side.

25 years. The first of the murders committed. by Jack the Ripper, took place in London's east end, right outside the first White Castle. What year did this take place, give or take 25 years? Ye old White Castle. Yeah. Jesus, I feel like early 1800s, 1825? You missed it, pal, 1888.

Oh, my God. He was a kid. I wonder, so guns were available. knife, I believe, was his... Yes. But, like, what could have... Usually you're very good. You're like, well, I think it was after this.

But, like, what could narrow that down? I don't know. I don't know enough about Jack the Ripper. Wait, was Midnight Rambler? Was that about Jack the Ripper? It might have been. So there were kitchen doors and knives down throats. Yeah.

I don't know. I think it was about Jack the Ripper. Ripper. Okay. Maybe. Oliver Hardy from Laurel and Hardy, the first great Hollywood motion picture comedy team. He died in California on this day. In what year? This is Oliver Hardy, the larger one. He died

on this year. Give her take 15 years. All right. Let's say that he was born in 1900 because he was doing movies in the 20s and 30s. So let's say he lived to be 87. So I'll say 1987. Good for you. 1957.

Yeah. He died young. Poor boy. He did. He did not make it long. That's for sure. Meanwhile, Stan Laurel did make it too old age. Interesting note, when he died, it was a very big memorial service

and Dick Van Dyke was the master of ceremonies because they felt he was his sort of heir apparent in a way and he did a great famous Stan Laurel impression on it but Stan Laurel lived right like within a mile

where I'm sitting right now in Santa Monica I think on Ocean Ave maybe it was a hotel I should know that anyway and he answered legendarily like every fan mail that would come late in his life. And he did that.

Apparently he was this really, really outstanding individual. All right. Here is one. No, that's too recent. Okay. The U.S. Men's Olympic Basketball team, which had been dubbed, which had been dubbed the dream team.

1984. I was going to give you four years. So good for you. 1992. You missed it. We're going to stick with sports because people love when we talk about sports. Happy birthday, Roger Federer. He came to be regarded as one of tennis's greatest players. Born in, first of all, what country?

Sweden? That would be my second guess. Switzerland. He was born on this year, give or take four years. because you're going to narrow this down, I think. All right. He's probably in his 40s right now. So I'm going to say he was born in 1980.

1981, Greg. Nice. That was very well done. Yeah. All right. Let's find one more that's fun. Let's find a fun one. We do the funnies.

Would you have any idea when Betty Boop debuted? I bet you would get this. If I decided to say, I'm not giving you a year. Just tell me when Betty Boop debut. Go ahead, shoot. 1921. Oh, God, I call it.

How did you not say 1930? Was it 1930? Yeah, I thought you were just going to say 1930. Because I thought she was part of the roaring 20s. She was like a showgirl, like Blondie. They were behind the curve. Shadow exists before they wrote about her. Like to be behind Blondie's curves.

All right, let's see. All right, we're going to. Ooh, shout out. You know this. Shout out to Tom O'Neill. This was the date that Sharon Tate was murdered. Hot Summer. Okay, here you go.

Last one. 69. Yeah. Right, that's what I'm not doing that one. Last one, here we go. Jerry Garcia. died of a heart attack. I'm not going to tell you his age.

He died of a heart attack on this day. In what year, give or take four years, again, four? We were out of college, but not far out of college. That's 89. I'm going to say 93. Very good. 1995. Nice.

Yes. How old was the old man, Jerry Garcia? Well, he was big in the early 60s, born in 1940. 59? 53. No. Yeah. What?

Yep. That's crazy. Yeah. I don't think anybody did as many live performances in that period of time in history. I mean, maybe if you went back to like, you know, the vaudeville guy. or something, but wow, that's crazy. There were some people who treat the road like Dylan does now as a job. So there were a lot of old school dudes who I think did, like famously,

Ray Charles was just, that was his job. Chuck Barry was like that. Yeah, you know, so there might have been those guys. But you're right in terms of those like, but also like arenas, nonstop and big in the winter it would be Madison Square Gardens. sold more tickets in that period of time. That's an interesting. I bet you're right about that.

Yeah. All right, letters to the editor. Here we go. Okay, this is from Manolo, Matos, Matos. Manolo. Manolo, Meadows. You need to talk about David Lee Roth singing at Sturgis and how many people will hang themselves when they hear how fucking awful he sounds now.

I didn't know that. We got to cover that. He's going there? Yeah. Some people don't know when to retire. That includes Bon Jovi, who I know just canceled some shows. Vince Neal from Motley Crew. I think they just admitted this week.

They used backing tracks. Frankie Valley, who I don't know if you've seen the Frankie Valley clips, but oh my God. Him and Barry Manilow look like corpses hung up by puppet strings while they play a backtrack the entire time. Barry Manelow is one we should talk to about the Botox, bringing us back to that ethical although I don't know

I think if you're going to go for it he looks fucking great he's probably in his 80s who looks great I mean great for a Muppet Barry Manelow well good Lord his neck is so he looks like you know what he looks like

and I we should find a split I should do a split screen remember madam the puppet remember madam the puppet with the huge Was that the name with the huge cheekbones? Yeah.

That's what I'm going to find this. I bet someone has done this. That's what Barry Mantle looks like. Okay. Calarious. Yeah. That's it. And then we're going to get down to obituaries.

All right, here we go. Hold on. Let me paper. All right. I want to avoid getting emotional. So you do this while I look at Madam and Barry Manila? Yeah. This isn't somebody, anybody out there knows who's not outside.

side of our circle, but our very dear friend, Pete Scott, who was your roommate in high school and mine in college, his twin sister, Val, just passed. And she struggled with pancreatic cancer. It's been, what, about three years since she's been struggling, at least, right? Well, yeah, I should know more about it, but like the timeline, but had it wasn't looking good, she I think was going to chose, and I might have some of this wrong, so I feel badly, but I think she was going to choose not to treat it and like

maintain dignity, not go through the intense chemo and all of that and also the severe decline in quality of life. But then did decide to fight it and from what I understood, beat it. She got a lot more time

than they thought that she was going to get. I mean, you want to talk about a healthy person. She was like, yoga and running and always the picture of health and just the most beautiful woman you've ever seen inside and out and a very very tough loss for her she's got a husband ben we've become friends with her they've been together since college and um or i knew her when she was in college and they were together so anyway our heart goes out to the firestein family and the scots and we're going to be flying into New York tomorrow for the memorial.

And then I guess there's a Shiva on Monday and Tuesday. I might try to stay for the Shiva Monday night. I don't know how those really go. Yeah, I was him playing that because we're there Monday all day with him and stuff. But a lot of people are coming in. You're going to meet some good Berkshire people you haven't met yet. Yeah, good. But I mean, what a, you know, it's testimony to the high school experience that.

now 40 years later, you know, people are coming when Pete's, you know, sister passes. And she did not go to high school with us. She was at another boring school. But, yeah, he was, Pete is one of the, one of the truly great human beings that I've been lucky enough to have in my life. It's a bummer and it's close to home when it's, I mean, it's his twin sister. Yeah. And there's something about that quality that's devastating. So.

Big family. with six kids in that family? They were the mistakes. They were the last pregnancy. And then two of them popped out. I think they had five older brothers and sisters. One, two, three, I think. Yeah, Vicki, Trey, Greg, Mark, Pete, and Val.

There you go. All right, let's cheer up if we can do that. Let's go to the funnies. Here we go. Crinkleton. Yes. comedy caption contest every week we give you one frame of a comic you guys write a punchline you mail it in we pick some favorites grab a winner and that person goes on to receive one we've decided to change the prize one gold brick you have to pay shipping unfortunately because they are fucking heavy send them into fitzdog radio at gmail dot com put your name directly underneath it and then we'll read them. So last week's

comic was two guys in they look like they're both wearing shorts and that's it. Beards, long hair, one palm tree, sun in the background, very small little desert island. And Sean from Ontario says let's make a pack. If we have to eat each other, no cock. Okay. And then Aaron Ensley from Florida says, it's not gay if there's no woman here, right?

The other guy says, hey, we've only been here 15 minutes. Nice. Rich Butchko says, something that starts with a tea. Let me guess, Steve. Is it tree again? All righty, yeah, the boredom there. David Bentley, if I give one to you, I'll have to give one to everybody.

If I give one to you, I'll have to get one to everybody. Yeah, he doesn't want to share. You're talking about a blowjob? Oh. Hmm. Tim Dilley said that Desert Island song list seems pretty useless now, doesn't it? I mean, we don't have time to get into it, but like, is it deserted island? Desert, Desert Island?

Is it really a Desert Island if it's in the middle of a vast sea? Anyway, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, why do they call it a desert island? Yeah. I mean... It's not deserted island, obviously. I mean...

No. All right. Good point. I thought you're talking about dessert, like the thing you eat. No. Deserted. Yeah. A dessert island is where you go to shamefully stuff your face alone.

Buffalo Bill said, would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard. I'd fuck me. so hard. Interesting. I think he just wanted you to read that.

Steve Mannergram said, mangram said, when Jeffrey Epstein's younger, less successful brother offers you half-naked twins on his own private island, this is what you can expect. All right. And I, you know, when I wrote Steve back,

I go, there's something there, but the wording is needed about three more passes on the wording. Yeah. Albert said let's start a podcast All right, look at that Albert, Mr. Bert. I think the Sean from Ontario gets the gold brick. Let's make a pack if we have to eat each other.

No cock! Okay. Honorable mention to Rich Butchco, I like that. Something that starts with a tea. Let me guess, Steve. Is it a tree again? Yeah. Next week's comic is a woman is having dinner.

It looks like a fairly nice restaurant. And she's talking to a cockroach. Is it a cockroach? What kind of bug is that? We'll just say bug. I don't want to limit it. I think the guy intended cockroach. People might start screaming that it's a water bug.

I think it's a cockroach. I'm just going to say bug because it gives you more room to write ideas. I don't want to limit you. So he's whatever you see. It's whatever you see. He's using his tentacles to talk and send those in. Okay. Let's get to the pros.

Hager is in a barber chair. The barber is combing his beard. And Helga says, I can't remember what you look like without a beard. And then Hager's friend goes, that's called memory repression. Hager goes, save your diagnosis for the office, Doc. Why? Was he clean-shaven when he abducted and assaulted her the first time? That's what I'm guessing. Yeah.

Yeah. The Lockhorns. Oh, they're on fire this week. Leroy's talking to his friend. He's got a cocktail on his hand. And he goes, my wife has a terrible memory. She remembers everything. I like that. They're in a dinner. Solid, solid, clever, clever. They're in a nice restaurant ordering.

The waiter standing there. Leroy goes, no, the waiter says to Leroy, are you ready to order or are you married? Nice. Imagine waiting on a lesbian couple, forget about it. Oh, my God. What do you got? You want me to do an onion?

Save the lockpoints for next week. All right, I'll save it. Okay. All right, here's a funny onion one. It's just a body in the morgue covered in a sheet. Standard photo. and it goes report which like report says your naked body will make entire morgue laugh That's great. Oh God, the final insults the final humiliation

I wonder if they keep photos. Do you think morticians keep photos of certain people for whatever reason? There was was it a taxi care? confessions. Maybe it was that. But I remember a guy was picked up at some ungodly early morning hour. He's getting off work and he worked at the morgue. And the cab driver then might have asked him something about like, what about the rumors that sometimes they sleep? They have sex with the bodies and this. This guy was so offended by it, it was noteworthy. You're like, you're like, why wouldn't you be like dude that's a rumor where yeah there are really sick individuals i guess in every business yeah yeah he really was like that is so i mean that's someone's mother sister

like it's like he he dug in and was so offended by the idea that you're like wait a minute what's going on here thou dost protest too much so here so here's a uh And one more onion, just because I saw it, I thought it was really funny. So it's a woman who doesn't look happy. And you can tell she's on the beach by some dune grass and all this. And it just, she's there just silently kind of grimacing. And it says, vacationing mom, Mrs. Alexa. That's so funny.

Good. All right, let's bring it home with the girl. The girl that got away. Dagwood's sitting on an armchair with his fucking hands in his pockets and his feet up like he's accomplished something. Like it's Saturday and he's just worked his hands to the grindstone, whatever the phrase is. Yeah. Nose to the groundstone.

Hand to the bone. Watching TV. Blondie's got her back to him as she should. And he goes, do you think our lives are boring, honey? And she goes, not at all, dear. And I don't know what tone she's using when she says not at all, dear. I'm hoping to God it's dripping with sarcasm. And she goes, as we get older, we just appreciate more quiet, relaxed moments.

And he goes, you mean more boring moments? And she goes, tomato, dear. Well, this didn't even make an effort, this comic at humor or anything. No, I'm not often looking for the humor from Blondie. I'm looking for the existential. The middle frame is the only little gift they gave you. Yep. Yep.

You could see over her shoulder as she's turned around. I mean, he had to draw that. That breast? By the way, take the breast away. It looks totally normal. It's like every other shot. It's just her shoulder. So this time you see her shoulder, which has to be drawn,

You know, this semi-circle shoulder, her right shoulders, you're looking over her right shoulder. But then he puts a fat breast below it. Another semicircle below it. protruding out of the arm of the chair, yeah. Not just the side of the chair, above the chair. Yeah. It's showing how full. It's an anti-gravity boop.

That's what Blondie's got. After she's got to be 97 years old now, according to how long the strip's been around. Forget going down. It looks like it's trying to read the newspaper and moving closer to the newspaper, which is straight in front of it. So it doesn't have its readers. That boob is trying to get close to the paper. It looks like she's got it in a headlock. Like does an MMA fight going on?

It's unwieldy. It's unwieldy, yes. You know what else is? Wheeldy? Oh my God, your sheets, if you don't have the right ones. Try miracle.com slash papers. You'd use code papers. You're going to get 40% off plus another 20% off plus a three-piece towel set. Get involved. And that's it. Anything you want to promote, Mike? I just really help the people. Yeah, if Sierra Farrell comes to your town, go see that show.

It's extraordinary. She's like out of a 1940s time machine. It's incredible. It's incredible in a great way. Strong voice. But more than that, I mean, I'm just wishing the people of Sturgis a safe rally. Wear those helmets and those condoms, people. Maybe take the corners, break before the corners, break before the corner and please wear a helmet. And maybe hang up your driver's license, your motorcycle license if you're over 65. Yes.

And ladies on the back seat, no reach arounds. Save it for later. Maybe, no, I'll even go 70, but don't drive a Harley fast on corners if you're over 70. Yeah. And, of course, while you're riding, take it ish. Take itish. All right. We'll go Sunday morning to your long bellwere.

To my computer, check my podcast feed. Download this week's episode. Listen what they said Exend in a correction You get mine by Mike and Greg Got those Sunday papers Playing in my ears Got those oldie papers

Blame for show I hear Every super week Wouldn't change a thing No, I don't got no credit Greg and Mike sure know their stuff Yeah, they found their niche From the front page to the funnies Then they always say

Take it, shh, got the Sunday members.