Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 9/13/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: September 13, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Protect your entire digital life with Surfshark. Go to https://surfshark.com/sunday and use code SUNDAY to get 4 extra months free, backed by a 30-day money-back guarantee. Upgrade your sleep with Miracle Made! Go to https://trymiracle.com/PAPERS and use code PAPERS to claim your FREE 3-PIECE TOWEL SET and SAVE over 40% OFF. This week on Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike cover coastal erosion wiping out a California music festival, Trump’s sleepy appearance at the 9/11 memorial, George W. Bush turning one of the most famous moments of his presidency into a painting, and two Florida Men proving once again that clothing is apparently optional in the Sunshine State. Plus, Mike survives a fishing trip 30 miles off Montauk with his stepbrother Jeff, the guys debate journal privacy and inheritance ethics, look back at JFK, Bonanza, The Monkees and Attica, and somehow find time for penis enlargement, ancient cave dick pics, Ted Lasso, Will Ferrell, and a surprisingly thoughtful book recommendation. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It will air on the 13th. Our thoughts and prayers are with everybody. Everybody everywhere. I don't think you're supposed to say this, but I forgot. No, you did. Never forget. I did forget until a boy, it was brought up a lot then. And then the U.S. Open was all about it.

Two Americans. Two Americans in the semifinals, they made a big deal about that. That was a big deal. were you pulling for? What's his name? There was Tiafo and there was Sheldon. Sheldon. I wanted Tiafo.

Yeah, I think a lot of people wanted Tiafo. He's, you know, he's the American story. He grew up poor in Florida or somewhere where his father was like this, was like the super at the tennis facility. And the only reason he got to play tennis as a poor kid was that they, they saw him and they took pity and they gave him lessons. Jeez, are you kidding me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he literally like would sleep in the training facility. Wow. Yep. He, they probably saw his extraordinarily high butt and thought, man, this kid might be a sick athlete. The craziest thing is there was this kid Jimmy Ridenauer, who I grew up with, who is the spitting images guy.

Not only does he look like him in the face, he's got that thing where the butt sticks out and he walks on his toes. And like even his face, it's fucking crazy. Except Jimmy's dead. Jimmy Ridenauer was lynched. He was lynched. He was in the military

and he was selling his car through the newspaper and some rednecks came to his house and because his wife was white, they killed him. What? Yeah, it was in Arkansas. Okay, boy, what a, what a turn from our lighter 9-11 talk. I know.

Jesus Christ. Get this, man, both of these guys, right? Both mixed, well, Ben Sheldon's mixed race. I don't know about TFO, but Orlando. That's where they say that Shelton, Ben Shelton's residence is in Orlando. But yeah, went to college in Florida. So both of these are Florida men who played last night and an amazing match. Four sets.

I was really hoping it would go five. Yeah, I don't understand. If you're a female tennis player, how do you? you, how do they explain to you, all right, the boys are going to get to play for five sets, you guys only get to play for three? Like, where did that come from and why does it still exist? But the boy, you're trying to bait me into saying they're weaker. The boys would love three. Yeah. Well, so many of these matches went five sets. I've watched almost every single match in the U.S. Open, which gives you a lot of sense of how busy my career has been lately.

So the number one and two seeds in women's are in the finals today. Right. Yeah, like this afternoon. Right. And they're both. Here's the thing about these Eastern European women, you know, Sabalanka and Kyria, whatever, you know, whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that they are, they remind, like, Sabalanka reminds me of, remember in Rocky Four, the Russian guy. No, I can already tell you no, but go ahead. You don't remember this? It was that famous Russian actor. Anyway, she's like a machine. She's physically what Hitler would imagine.

Tall, beautiful face, high cheekbones, perfect teeth, perfect body. Wow. And she does not get affected by losing a point. She brushes it off so fast. She might get a little frustrated. But then you see are the American female players. They are all headcases. They all have breakdowns.

It's exhausting to watch Cocoa Golf. It's a roller coaster of her getting angry and giving up and then fighting back. And, you know, and she's always coming from behind. I mean, I love her, and I pulled for her. But you see why these Eastern European women make it into the finals. They're Ivan Drogos. I forgot. It's spaced on his name.

You know, I actually don't think I ever saw Rocky Four, which is sacrilege. I get it. But what are you going to do? Anyway, it's been great to watch. I loved at one point yesterday, Shelton started yelling at the chair umpire, like really made a scene. And everybody was like, uh, the crowd started booing because they always booing when you yell at the chair umpire for some reason. And Johnny Mack was announcing the game and he goes, he's 100% of it. right. He's got a very good point. He was right. He was right, by the way. Yeah. And but what he also then

did is like John McEnroe, and unlike most players, he used it to successfully fuel his play. Oh, he won the next two points. Yeah. Oh, and like very forcefully. Yeah. And that's what McEnroe would do. A lot of people like, you know, it's not good to be distracted like that and to have that release all. also of energy. Well, that's like the most annoying version of that was that guy, Curios. Remember the guy from Australia? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he would literally yell at the chair empire, yell at his box, his coaches.

Like after every point, he'd yell at his box. It's like, okay, dude, enough with your fucking neediness. Play the goddamn match. All right, switching gears. You know, we have a story in this podcast about our little, like first inaugural beach concert in Santa Monica just canceled. And all right, I've been on the road. I get back Monday.

What, were you there for this rain, this hurricane? Yeah. It was, it was very intense rain. It came down hard. It is funny, though, because like grown up back east, those storms just happen all the time. I know. But the problem is back east, the water is absorbed back into the planet.

And out here, we're on a desert, and it's all hardscape, and all the water just runs out to the ocean, and it creates, you know, the waves create erosion, but also the water coming in off these sewer pipes that are basically taking all the water that lands in L.A. and not recouping it, even though we have droughts every other year, and it just lets it pour out into the ocean. So I actually went in the water yesterday.

Oh. I went out and rode some waves and it was like a lot of little trash floating around. Oh, man. Yeah, I know everything, especially because it's the first kind of rain of the year, which is normally in November. Yeah, they have a name for that, the first rain of the year, because it basically takes four months' worth of exhaust from the streets, dog shit. you know, every little debris, every gum wrapper, all of it gets washed into the drains and straight out into the ocean. And I don't want to give people fodder to shit on California

any more than they already do, but this is a major problem in California. All right. So the other thing is, and then we'll just leave it be, but whatever, there's tons of posts that I've saved, the Instagram has sent me on the erosion on the beaches. Now, here's what so few people even know. and I think I brought this up on the podcast a few weeks ago.

So few people in L.A. even know this. So our beach that we go to in Santa Monica and Venice, do you know none of that sand is from L.A.? It's all imported. And when I found out of- I didn't know that. Really? Yeah, there we go. And I also probably did talk about it on the podcast and you still don't know it.

Yes, all of it is imported. It is a rocky beach. Like, have you ever seen the, surf break at Topanga where it's rocky and you mean where I ruined your surfboard that day well there's also that one down no that san anofre yeah and so yes so it's like that so if you google i think it's laguna um laguna's beach with this famous white sand cove there's no more sand it's a rock shelf with rocks everywhere. No.

Everyone in Lagoon is like, what are you talking about? Like, we didn't even know this was here. We didn't know there was rocks here. We thought it was sand is deep. I mean, kids must have dug down to the rock is what I'm thinking. Like, how much sand could have been there?

But it's all gone. Plus, like the sand near where you live is deep. It's like, it's like 500 yards deep of sand from the ocean to the parking lot. Oh, whoa, whoa, oh. Yeah, yeah, you mean that way. Right, right, right. It's a wide beach, yeah.

500 might be exaggerating, but 200. It's probably 200 yards. At some points, it's probably 200 yards to the whitewater. But you know the whole East Coast is the same way. The whole Jersey shore all the way down to the Carolinas. All of that is the Army Corps of Engineers has these massive ships that dredge sand from the bottom of the ocean and they shoot it onto the beach. And every year the hurricanes come and they take it away,

And then we spend billions of dollars pumping that sand back on. Why? Because the big business owners, the tourist industry, is fucking funding the government. Because if you think about the revenue generated from these beach town, it's nowhere near what it costs to keep propping it up by pouring the sand back on the beach. Well, I mean, no beach, no Jersey. Sure. It would just be the jersey.

Oh, wouldn't that be delightful? Where would the Italians go? Yeah. They all go to Philly. Speaking of beaches. So I went out fishing in Montauk with Jeff. So Jeff listens to our podcast and he doesn't like that you and I poke fun at him. First of all, you got to explain who Jeff is to our listeners.

Oh, did I not just say my stepbrother? So my stepbrother, Jeff, is a captain off Montauk and he took me out 30 miles offshore, which is, you know, I trust them and all that. But for those who know Jeff, they probably think I really was pretty careless with my own life by going 30 miles offshore with him. But a couple of jokes as I sat there. By the way, I just sat there for like an hour

just banging on this boat up and down. Yeah, yeah, not talking to him. But some of the things I would think about is like, I thought I would be like slipping on all the squid and mackerel that are all over the floor of his boat, and I have pictures of it. But the only reason, no, there's no slipping at all because of all the fish hooks

that are also on the floor of his boat. And then he does this for a living. He takes people out on boat, on fishing trips. And he cleaned it for me. I'm not kidding you. All right, hold on. Here's a couple of pictures. Jeff, just fucking calm down.

I'm just, this is funny. And I'm just, by the way, and these are all. true so there's also that so here is the the where he drives this is uh and it's like it's staged like like if i was doing a tv show i'd be like oh and there's like in there is also like a pill bottle and all this stuff that's uh in there but anyway that's the whole thing and then the floor of his boat i don't know if you can see the rusty weights.

Yeah. This was not staged. At one point I'm sitting there and I looked down. I'm like, let me just take a picture of an unstaged where my feet are. That's on the floor. It's hooks for those listening. It's hooks and lures everywhere. And an octopus.

Yeah, some beautiful things. I mean, look at Montauk is unbelievable. And we caught some, we caught some fish for sure, some mahi mahi. that are still around there. Is it Mahi Mahi? There he is. There he is. Wow.

That's a nice one. Yeah. So how long does it take to get 30 miles at? That must take two hours. So that's the floor, right? But now if you go up to that part, yeah, that part, what you don't see is it's a bag of mackerel. It's just a bag of mackerel. Yeah.

Sitting. Sorry, it's there. Does he then sell that fish to a restaurant? No, you'd have to get more. Also, I probably shouldn't say that because I think it's illegal. But we did not. He knew, I think it was like an older woman who lives out near there. So he fillet him, cleaned them, and it was very nice and brought him over to her.

Nice. And gave them to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was good. Jeff's got a good heart. Oh, my God. Yeah, I told him that. He's one of the best people.

He's one of those guys that's just, he's a victim of all his ADHD and his dyslexy. He's got all that stuff, but underneath it. Yeah, he said, he was a, he was a funny comic. He really was a very original voice when he was doing stand-up. You got to give him that. Oh, yeah. I mean, I remember his bits because he's so aware,

self-aware and honest about his complete immense, I guess what they call executive. function abilities. And so I remember one of his jokes was he went to a like a job hunter and a career consultant. And so they give you a big questionnaire to see what your strengths are and what you might be good for you. And his came back that he'd make a strong hunter gatherer. Does the test come with a time machine?

Yeah. And well, one of us, it's worth telling you again. I've told it. I apologize so many times, but it's one of the best stories ever. And if it was in a movie, it would be too unbelievable. But this is a true story. When he was very little, he went to an ADD, a school that specialized, and it was way ahead of its time. It was called Stephen Gainer, private school elitist in New York, in Manhattan. And dyslexia was very new, and that's what they were learning also. He wasn't only ADD. He's severely dyslexic. And so they brought him in, and he went in with his mom, and they had a meeting with the headman.

master and the headmaster goes, Jeff, you know, I have really good news. And Jeff was very, very worried and concerned about the standardized testing and they're about to take the PSAT. And she goes, Jeff, I have very, uh, I have very good news. And he's, yeah, and he's like, you are going to be able to take this test. We just got this past in New York State. You're going to be able to take this test untimed. And he looks at her and she like, like, like, nods like, can you believe it? Looks over at his mom. And his mom's like, I told you it was really good news. Like she has that expression on her face. And he's like, so I get to leave early.

It's the greatest thing ever. Greatest thing ever. And that's real. That happened. Oh, my God. You know, speaking to the Hunter Gather, my son has a new girlfriend in New York. Oh. And pretty early into the relationship, they decided to go on a camping trip up in the Catskills.

And I thought, you know, what better way of kicking the tires on a new relationship than a camping trip, you know? Yeah. And I was telling my sister about it this morning and she's like, yeah, these days you want to know that like you're with a prepper, you know, like you want to know that if you go into the woods with it with your new girlfriend that, you know, she's going to come out of the forest with like, you know, topless with a fucking carcass on her shoulder and she rubbed blood on her face. Like it's really like, it's a great test of a new relationship. I think she also wants to know that she comes out of the forest at all. Exactly.

That's a good test. Yeah. Yeah. But she has a pierced tongue, apparently. Oh, wow. All right. Yeah. Oh, and don't kill her in the woods.

That's a keeper. Yes. Also, they'll identify her from the pierced tongue. Yeah, exactly. All right. Let's get to the logo this week was from Jane S. One of our old friends from the show who's done probably more logo. goes for us than anybody in the history of the show.

I put this one in because it's Kauai and it was just a big storm. This whole storm started in Hawaii. So that's our Hawaii logo. I think that was a separate one. There were three hurricanes in the Pacific. Anyway, we're in for a ride. But Hawaii got hit. Yeah, Kauai in particular got hit really hard.

The song this week from Jeff Snyder, which, you know, look, folks, we're looking for songs. I loved how simple it was, Jeff. Just keep it simple. Give us one instrument. Love it. Fun lyrics. Love it. Corrections.

Very, very few. Corrections. We were on it. I think maybe so many people stopped listening because of the internet going out during the podcast that they didn't catch. You know, a lot of the corrections, a lot of the corrections were about how we were making much ado about nothing. that there didn't seem to be freezing and delays and all that stuff. Right. Yeah.

So this is one that came in from Jennifer. You stated that Donna Rice had become popular on a Howard Stern, but it was a totally different scandalous lady, Jessica Hahn, the one who had been with Jim Baker, who was the televangelist down in the Carolinas. I know this because I was an avid listener once I moved to Philadelphia way back. and this is actually the show where I was exposed to your sparkling personality. Unfortunately, Howard evolved too much for my taste

in the early 2020s, so I haven't listened in a while. Hope all as well with you and Mike and your families. Yeah, I think the whole Stern went a different direction during the pandemic. He became very pro-vax. Your dad became, but he was an outspoken pro-vaxxer. and he started to, I think, feel bad that he had, he didn't endorse Trump, but he also didn't endorse

Biden. No, wait, who did. Kamala? No, Hillary. He didn't endorse Hillary. And I think he regretted it because he saw what happened with Trump. And so I think he made a hard decision to sort of start speaking out about his beliefs. And I got to imagine he lost a lot of listeners because the Stern show absolutely skews lunch box New York Post's Republican, you know, which doesn't mean hardcore. It just means people that are a little bit more like working class blue collar. Yep, I get that. I agree. Yeah, so that's interesting. I mean, I still listen, but it's only on a few days a week for a few hours a day. And now he's going to one day a week.

I haven't listened. Oh, I heard that, yeah. He got picked up by HBO Max. They're going to air it. Oh, wow. So, yeah, so it's basically going to be like a weekly. It's going to be like a fucking, you know, the daily show. It's going to be like a regular talk show on HBO Max.

So we'll see, we'll see if that picks his listenership back up. Because I think based just on me, like after my show, people come up to me and they're always like, oh, hey, I love you from Sunday Papers. I love you from this. And a lot of people go, oh, I love you from the Howard Stern Show. And I always say, do you still listen?

And I would say 95% of the time people say they don't still listen. I'm one of them, actually. Yeah. But also, like, I don't know what it is. Because it's not really him. And I bet a lot of people would say that. Some people, it's going to be him and his evolution as, as Jennifer pointed out.

But I think there's just so many other options. I mean, now there's podcast just as an example. And I'm not on that commute anymore. So, you know, when I was driving to Burbank, it made all the sense in the world. And also, he was timed right. And you could count on his show being there. And then that went away. Like you didn't know, it's like, oh, here's another repeat because he's not five days a week.

Right, right. You know what I mean? but I do remember two things. One, in the plus column, I loved his interviews. I actually think they're one of the best, and one of my explanations is he really is a fan. He's not that different than that Chris Farley. It's like, so you've seen her naked, you know,

like he's like a kid fan who gets with like Neil Young and asks him, what's the beef with still, you know, like with whatever, with Crosby. And so I loved that. Now, the other thing I heard, but that's gone, by the way. He doesn't, he doesn't do interviews like that anymore. Really? Like, it used to be, every woman got asked, have you had a three-way?

Have you had anal? And that was kind of like, that was the tone of the interviews. But I've heard like the Fiona Apple, I've heard there's just legendary interviews still that pop out. Oh, no, they're great interviews, but they're not, they're not childish anymore. They're much more mature interviews now. But the other thing I heard, and then we can stop talking. talking about him, and I don't know this because I haven't experienced it firsthand, but is like he, whatever hobby he gets into, he then just talks. So is his latest thing, maybe he's learning

guitar and he'll sing on air? I don't know if he sings, but he's, yeah, he's been working, he's been playing guitar for years and he's been playing online chess and he's been painting. Oh, well, we're going to get to painting. George W. Bush came out with a real keeper this past week. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you talk about your tour dates as I let a dog in a door here? Yeah, more important than all of this is that you guys make it out to the La Jolla Comedy Store, September 18th through 20.

Some of my favorite shows of my year are in that club. Fairbanks, Alaska. I'll be in a few different venues, September 30th through October 3rd. Batavia, Illinois at the Comedy Vault, October 15 through 17th. Then I'm coming to Toronto, October 23rd through the 20th. 25th, I feel like there's more dates than that, but I'm going to be at various venues in Toronto. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Also coming to Phoenix, going to Skank Fest, check out the dates, get some tickets.

Also, shout out, as always, to Gotham Production Studios. Do an amazing job. This past week I did my podcast just aired from one that we did down in St. Petersburg, Florida. and Matt and Brianna, our producers, flew down with equipment, shot the podcast, edited it, put it up. I mean, it looks amazing, and it was with Joe DeRosa and Maddie Smith. And a lot of good feedback from that. So thank you guys for making that effort. Also, want to thank, oh, my God, every week.

It feels like every week there's like a massive data breach. like identity theft, AI scam. It literally feels like every time you go to a website, they are asking you to click and everything leaves a digital footprint. So there's Surfshark. Our sponsor this week is Surfshark, which I think is going to help you a lot

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Oh, the best. What is the copy here says, ever wake up sweaty, freezing, or just uncomfortable? I could keep reading the copy, but I have these sheets and they're great. They keep, I call them the McDiLT. sheets to keep the hot side, hot, the cool side, cool, if that's what you want. They adjust. If you have a hot sleeper, they're going to be comfortable. If you want a cool sleeper, they're going to be comfortable.

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TriMirical.com papers, code papers at checkout. Thanks to Miracle Made for sponsoring this episode, y'all. Can I just make a note to our advertising executive? Let's make it all papers as the code or all paper or all Sunday. But we should not have different codes for each products that we're endorsing. Because it's confusing. Oh, I see what you're saying. Looking out for our listeners. All right.

You got some to crinkle? No. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Maybe I do. Hold on. I mean, this is us.

This is how we're prepared. I just saw a piece of paper. You want me to grab it? No, I got it. Oh, thank goodness. Front page, baby. All right. I don't know much about this guy,

but everyone's talking about him. Go ahead. Wealthy influencer, Ego Tiny Ubrebro, also known as Denisi or Ego. Jesus Christ. I'm not really putting myself out there enough with more names.

He needs more names. He died. He died. He got Fitzdog. We got Fits' dog. We got Fitsy. Yeah. He died after undergoing a penis enlargement procedure during a luxury vacation in Thailand with his wife.

You don't usually hear vacation in Thailand with wife. Or penis enlargement with wife. Right. Or this part might also stand out. He's a 43-year-old British Nigerian businessman, see Black, had 40 milliliters of high-euro. phelleronic acid injected into his penis at an unnamed Thai clinic in March. He was with his wife. After the procedure, the couple went for a massage where ego complained of chest pain and passed out twice.

Medics performed CPR for more than a hundred minutes, but ego died in the early hours of March 6th. That's the thing about the penis enlargement. You can go forever. Well, maybe, yeah, maybe he, He was probably like he took it as a good sign. Like, I think I'm passing out because so much blood is going to my new penis. Right, right. Yeah, maybe that's what it was.

Ego had, do you think they called him Big Ego after he got the penis enlargement? I don't know. Eagle had about 185,000 Instagram followers and was known for his lavish lifestyle. Listen to this. He owned a $1.1 million home in Los Angeles. and he had a $600,000 apartment in London. Wow. That's like the fucking Austin Powers thing.

It was like, and we're going to get $1 million. Right. Yeah, maybe this guy should save money from his implants and buy a two-bedroom apartment somewhere instead of the only one bedroom he could get with that money. Yeah, so, what are you going to do? Was pre-op Dick Peck is still the wonder of Asia.

Everyone just baffled why he was trying to get it bigger. Yeah. I mean, what black man goes to Southeast Asia for penis enlargement? Did he die of embarrassment before getting the surgery? Nice. And then our friend Dickie, we were texting about this. And he said, at first I thought it was a. tragic accident. Then I read the article where they said they injected his penis with hydrochloric

acid. And then I was like, oh, okay, yeah, he definitely should have died. It seems like a lot of acid to put in there. I agree. Yeah. I had this guy's baffling. What's that? That sounds like some Jim Morrison's shit, shooting up your penis with acid. This guy is baffling to me. When your wedding cost 80% of your home in London, you might not be great with money. Oh yeah. His wedding was $473,000 and he has a $600,000 apartment. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing about these social influences. It's all about the big, splashy. I'm the opposite. I've tried to keep my life very simple. My, my, you know, we only eat, uh, cheat meals. Right. We only eat three days a week. No, it's just crazy.

These guys expensive. And then you see these influences that pull up to people on the street and just give them $100,000 in a briefcase to shoot the clip. That's the whole clip. Wow. Have you seen any of those? I've seen money being not that amount, but I've seen money being given away for sure. Oh, yeah. There's this one guy.

Is it Mr. Beast? I can't remember. There's one guy who gives away like literally drives around in a convertible with stacks of money. and just hands it to people. And then he'll go up to a girl and he'll see two girls and he'll be like, do you want to follow me on Instagram?

And she'll be like, no. And then the second one, he'll be like, do you want to find? And she'll be like, oh, I already follow you. 50 grand. Then the first one's like, wait, wait, wait, I'll follow you. And he's like, sorry, sweetie.

I like it. That's what we should do with Sunday Papers listeners. How much you give out? How much? just, why don't we start with coosies? We'll hand those out. Yes, that's good. And that'll become really popular. Now, is your, or we could sell out T-shirts and say, you can get this coozy when you pry it out of Mike's cold dead hands. Oh, I like that. All right, coastal erosion. We

talked about this up top. It forced the cancellation of California Music Festival. So the music festival, we were going. We had our tickets. We were even going to. We were even going to, do some work from there. Yes. We were trying to get them to sponsor us. Right. It was set to feature the killers. Olivia Dean and Jack White was canceled Friday because the California Beach where it was to be held has been eaten away by coastal erosion.

The two-day Ocean Way Festival had been planned for later this month in Santa Monica, but waves up to 15 feet and storm runoff has left the beach in the city near Los Angeles, badly degraded, forcing local officials. to pull the plug. Storm surf generated by Hurricane Marie and runoff from the storm drain. Outfall eroded a large portion of the festival site. Yeah. You know the scary ones or whenever they name it an Italian woman.

Marie! What are you doing, Marie? Oh, here comes Marie. This is not going to be good. And it just did make me think this is a really bad. I said, if I was, it would be terrible doing this in stand up. But it did get me thinking about like old sayings like, this is no day at the beach. Soon that's going to mean you're better off because this is no day at the beach.

Yeah. Right. This is better than a day at the beach. And then also the thing about things happening at a glacial pace will mean quick. It's happening pretty quick. Right. You know how the glaciers move like. overnight.

Yeah, right, right. And this is pre-L-Nino, by the way. The El Nino is hitting California. If your head's been in the sand, it's like it's going to be, some are saying, the biggest weather event in recorded history. And it starts on the West Coast,

uh, on California where it's, we're just going to get rained on for like four months straight. And, uh, and this is, you know, forget about like, Forget about concerts.

We're not going to be able to have other luxuries like grocery shopping, getting gas, trying to sneak in a yoga class, pick up a fucking chai latte. Forget about all. It's going to be like we're going to be sheltered again. I just had an image of El Nino literally means the boy in Spanish. And I remember working with George Lopez and he used to have bits about your kid to all like the Latinas. your kid is too old for that stroller because he's like, I don't know what Latinos and Latinos do, but they have their 10-year-olds in strollers still.

And that's what I'm picturing El Nino coming in, just a raging 10-year-old in a stroller being pushed by its mom. Right. And he's had too much sugar. And, yeah, George Lopez is, you know, I don't think people realize what a phenomenal comic that guy was in his prime. I haven't seen his stand-up in a long time, but he was fucking awesome. He was so good about, like, you know, his grandmother raised him and just talking about he wanted to go.

I wanted. And then, of course, he can do her voice so well that I can't. But he's like, he wanted to go to Disney. They were just poor, struggling Mexican Americans. And he wanted to go to Disneyland, like, you know, all his neighbors and all the kids he went to school with. She's like, you want to see a mouse? Pull back the first. fridge. You'll see a mouse. Just all the very real working class take on all the rich stuff in

LA was so funny. Now, it's really amazing when a comic can be funny and also let you into a world that you had no idea about. You know, like Bernie Mac, I think, was like that. You know, Jerry Seinfeld when he talks about like coasters and how they keep moisture off tables. like, you know, how you can have like a rubber stick that separates groceries, like really letting you deep into his world. Yeah. A contractor employed by the Trump administration to complete a makeover of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool this summer said that it's his own errors that led to the landmarks broken

and peeled liner. It's conflicting with Trump's. claims that vandals were to blame for the issues. Now, first of all, isn't Trump president because most of America thought he's a great businessman, he's a contractor, at least he'll be able to roll up his sleeves and get shit done. And then this was a fairly simple project, and we see the way his management skills play out. Well, the no-bid company, you know, that probably, they might have been vetted if they were vetted.

Yep. Yeah. I mean, it's also, I think this guy's a fall guy because he also claims he didn't know Iran would close the Straits of Hormuz. He didn't know that terrorists would add $3 trillion to the deficit. He didn't know that cutting U.S. aid would cause the death of over 700,000 African so far. Trump is the victim on this one. Yes.

I'm sure. So I wish this were a joke, and it's not. I looked up this story and underneath it I found this real headline, which I then, you know, validated. Trump says vandals ruined grass where he held July 4th event. So it's just these. An onion headline or is that real? That's real. These damn vandals, I mean, why did these vandals attack Iran?

I mean, do you see what it's done to our country? Right, right. The vandals raping all those children on that island? Uh-huh. They're out of control. Yeah. The vandals voting illegally in the 2016 election. Oh, man.

It's horrible. It's horrible. I get confused. A family from Fort Worth, Texas, has filed a lawsuit against a local daycare facility following an incident in which surveillance footage allegedly captures an adult employee instigating a fight involving a four-year-old boy. Okay. They target Arka Montessori Academy, where the footage shows a staff member encouraging her own son

to attack the four-year-old before shaking the victim and causing him to fall. Quote, quote, this place looked like a child fight club. It felt like one. This kid was being thrown around like a human rag doll. First rule of fight club, don't take it. Tell your mom about fight club. Second rule of fight club, throw out your own diaper after the fight. Third rule, a fight club.

Raise your hand before asking a teacher if you can go to the nurse. Netflix just announced Jake Paul is going to fight the four-year-old. And I'm buying it. I'm buying it. Or I guess I'm getting, you don't. I'm treating it like pay-per-view. Everyone's going to see it. I mean, don't let Putin hear about this story because he will absolutely

start staging four-year-old fight club and televising it to raise money for his wars in, well, his war is in Ukraine, but let's be honest, in Israel as well. Yeah. All right. President Trump fell asleep at the 9-11 Memorial Ceremony. The president dozed off at multiple points during the event Friday, slumped over in his chair with his eyes closed, and his head hanging down while everyone else on stage. was at attention, including Melania and other people.

I wish, you know what, I wish he collapsed. I wish he collapsed on the 9-11 site, just fell right out of his chair. It would be the most famous collapse, perhaps, on that site. Yeah, he'd fall, and then you would see J.D. Vance and Hagseth run into his body after he collapsed, right up his ass. In his defense, though, I have to say, it's pretty boring. hearing about jets flying into buildings where people had to hurl themselves out windows,

then celebrating heroes running into burning buildings to save lives, and then a city coming together to heal. I mean, he's got to save his energy and attention for getting a hand job from his assistant on Air Force One. Here's another one in the I wish this were a joke category. I remembered his famous quote. he was interviewed on 9-11, 2001, on the day. And this was the quote, 40 Wall Street, which Trump owns, was that, and I'm reading this verbatim, 40 Wall Street actually was the second tallest building in downtown Manhattan. And it was actually before the World Trade Center was the tallest.

And then when they built the World Trade Center, it became known as the second tallest. And now it's the tallest. So silver lining? Silver lining he now, because of the assist from the hijackers, he now had the tallest building again. Wow. Yep. And there's this whole thing about him saying that he was there on 9-11 and that fireman carried him. And, I mean, it's all completely refutable.

Like there is video of him in a freshly pre-19. white shirt on 9-11 giving this interview. Nobody downtown wasn't covered in soot that day. Yeah. And they did this comedian, I'm not going to say his name because I love the guy, but he claimed to be down there on 9-11, and it fucking ruined his career. His career ended. I mean, he's back now.

He's doing well because he's funny as shit. But, I mean, literally his agency dropped him. He got dropped off a team. TV show. And then you look at the leader of the free world says the same claim. And nothing happens. Yeah, a little more stakes there. Yeah, the poor community, he gave a very good interview where he's like, it was one of those little kind of line. And someone heard it's like, oh, and then they started talking to him. I'm like, you know he was there. So now he's asked and he's like, God, it's just easier just to agree. And then this thing will go away.

Yeah. It was something like that. And then it never went away. Dude, we've all had little white lies That get traction And yeah, it is You don't want to seem like a hypocrite By going, no, no, no, I was lying So you just go, well, maybe nobody Exactly, nobody else will ask

And it'll go away God So George W. Where were you on 9-11? Huh? Where were you on 9-11? Tower 2 Yeah, well, that's fine.

Tower 2 And I say, like I carried a bunch of people out on my back And so I got, I luck, I would have, I was on my way back in. They're like, don't, don't, don't. I got to, I got who, I got to. And then they physically restrained me. Did you get any soot on you that day?

No. It was weird because there was a photo of me and I could tell. I had none on me, which was, I was lucky. I was so lucky, no soot. Right, right, right. I think you know what it was. I was covered with people, you know, in firemen carries. So I think they got all the soot on them.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. You're a fucking hero. And still, this is how humble I am. I forget about 9-11 all the time. So George W. Bush has a new painting, speaking of 9-11. He took up painting after leaving the White House in 2009 and has since made it a conspicuous part of his post-presidency.

For a quarter century, one of the most enduring images of George W. Bush's presidency has been the look on his face. when he learned that the United States was under attack. It has been mocked by comedians, weaponized by political opponents, and replayed endlessly in the documentaries and retrospectives. Now Bush has painted that image himself. So I put them in there. He has underplayed his dumb eyes.

Do you agree with that? Yes, very much so. You know, I used to make fun of this, just like it says. just like everybody else did because he was so it just he seemed so stupid and he's been told that and then the older I got I'd be like what do you think you would have been like yeah like they didn't know what it was yet I think he was told when one tower was hit so still may be an accident but they're like we're thinking we're getting intel that it's not I believe that's what

who's told and you were reading to children really young children yeah and continuing to and you just keep going yeah well i mean look he uh he was a he was a he was a dumb guy who started al qaeda basically by his actions after 9-11 he created hatred towards the united states which will live with us for generations and now everybody's trying to humanize him oh man is he i'm no well Also, there's a little Stockholm syndrome. Like, it was immeasurable how much I hated this president. And what I would give for him to be president now is really so confusing to me. Well, it wasn't so much him as a president.

It's that his pass, his passivity allowed guys like Cheney and Wolfram Wich. The neocons. Yeah, all the neocons. Rove and everybody. Yeah. It was his lack of leadership. But I'm assuming this was a finger painting, right? I mean, it looks like it.

It's also part of his new presidential moments series. He has another one called JFK Car Ride in Dallas. He has Abe the theater goer. And he just got one on commission called Trump shot in Dublin, which is a prediction piece of art. Oh, that's going to be a rough week. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. not happy about Trump being there.

No, not at all. Good for them. Well, maybe he should do one of his father and his uncle Dick overthrowing democratically elected countries in Central America. He could put the oil executives in the background shoveling money into a truck, Mark Bush for president. What was it, the Corcoran group or something like that? Yeah. Where part of the Bin Laden family was actually meeting.

with that group, which the Trumps are on the board. And I probably have some of that wrong, but look into it. All right. Are we getting to an ethical question? Ethical question. Man, did I lose the ethical question? All right, let me, sorry, I looked up something and I lost it. Here we go.

Okay. We are going to, my friend, pocketed the money from our charity event. What should I do? We trusted him to donate the money after the fact, and he never did. Hey, you know, people work fucking hard on these charities. Like, I run a charity event every year that you've performed at for Best Buddies. And, you know, charity is not charity. You have to log a lot of hours.

You've got to call on a lot of favors, and you should be allowed to wet your beak a little bit. I'd say, you know, look at Jerry Lewis. he was, you know, flown in private jets and he used to have these, you know, off-site conferences about Jerry's kids. And, you know, Jerry's kids are, I got a newsflash. They're still not walking after 30 years of this shit. So you're saying just keep the money. Not all of it. I mean, I hope he gave some of it.

But do you remember the Jerry Lewis Telethon how it ended every year? No. They go, you're going to walk. and he didn't. No. He would bring a kid out in a wheelchair and he would sing, you'll never walk alone again.

And it would not be a dry eye in the house and he would cry. So was the thinking that the kid would do anything to get away from this so he would stand up and walk away alone? All these kids need is a little motivation. It's like really him next to a fire. Please get out of there.

I'm dying. Yeah, you're calling his bluff. This is melting the skin off my body. Oh, my God. Okay, you have a choice. Dealers choice. Actually not. Receivers choice.

Greg, here's the two questions. Do I have to leave all my stepchildren equal shares of the inheritance? Or my husband read my journal and now he's furious. Was I in the wrong? Oh, both good. I'm going to go with the latter. So, hold on, and here it is. You're right.

Okay, wait, I want to hear your answer. But they clarify in the subtitle what they journaled about. But go ahead first. Well, I mean, here's the thing about journals. Keep an eye on your own journal. And keep an eye on what you write in it. I've kept journals my whole life. I'm keeping a journal right now.

I went to a coffee shop yesterday for an hour and a half and I wrote it. I did not write anything in that journal that my wife. and kids could not read and be okay with. It's what happens when you're dead? You think they're not reading your journal? I know. Yeah. So I used to,

this is how I knew I was honest in my journal that I kept. I used to get composition notebooks. I would go five pages, this is real. I would go five pages in from the back and start there. And all my journals were written, backwards. Like page, you know, well, let's call it like five pages in the end to six pages from the end, seven pages. Like I went that way. So it would have been the most confusing read

to anyone that found it. But then I would stop. Unless they were Arabic. Then they'd get it. I would stop halfway through the book wherever. So if anyone happened to pick it up, they would think it was an empty journal, an empty notebook. What kind of stuff did you put in there? Just my, you know, regrets. I knew about nine, 11 before it happened and I didn't tell anybody. That's how I knew to be down there to save them. You know, stuff like that. In mine, I talk about how I knew and I told Jewish people and they didn't go in the

building that day. That was sharp. Yeah. No, I used to have a dumb joke I would do, but I think it's a solid joke mostly because it's true, which is I don't keep a journal because I'm afraid I'll accidentally leave it out and then I'll pick it up and read it. that's how out of touch with my emotions I was Greg yeah yeah

mine were all about quitting drinking like starting at like 17 I was already journaling about how I couldn't handle my drinking and it was making me feel bad and you know and like you knew me when I drank I wasn't like a fucking complete asshole maniac but I just from an early age

I just knew it wasn't going to work in my life. And I used to write about it a lot. Wow. Yeah. I would write, I probably, the funny thing is, and here, here it is, for anyone, I don't think we have any young listeners, but you're going to be writing the same thing 30 years from now. Exactly. You've probably gotten better, which is great, but you're still grappling with, you know,

whatever you want to call it, that seven-year-old inside of you. And so you're giving that person pep talks, whether it's, you know, really boring things. Like just believe in yourself more, you know, things like that. Like you're still going to be saying that. No, it's so true. It's embarrassing. I go back and read journals from my teenage years and it's the same issues. And I'm writing it today like I never wrote it before.

Like it's all fresh. Yeah, you're like stop masturbating in the back of the body. us. Stop masturbating while you're writing in your journal. All right, let's get to, we're going to skip ahead to make America, Florida. Here we go. All right, we got two Florida men stories.

First one, a Florida man was arrested after he was caught wearing just a G-string underwear and sneakers outside of his car and a target parking lot. The police report said a Seminole County deputy. responded to a call about a man outside of his car touching himself. The responding deputy identified him as 41-year-old Nicholas Lydick. Dick in the name, he told the deputy he was outside his car changing because he got wet. And I think this is an unusual Florida man story because Nicholas Lideck was wearing clothes at all.

Most of the time they're naked. Yes. That's sort of the standard issue uniform for the Florida man is nothing. Right. He's got Dick in his name and it's lie dick and lie. Lie and Dick. Yeah. Your honor, I rest my case.

And then this brings us to our second Florida man story, a Cape Coral man accused of, here's what we're talking about, stripping naked in home goods saying, quote, he had to do it. So officers responded to the home goods around 1045 a.m. that is too early for this, after reports of a fully nude man inside the store. A woman inside the home goods at the time told officers that she saw this guy enter the store walk into the aisle where she was standing and say, I'm sorry, I have to do this. And she goes, I don't really expect to go to home goods and see a naked man in the middle of the aisle. I would then tell you, ma'am, move away from Florida.

Get out of the state if that is your expectation. Yeah, yeah. Now, let me get, let me be clear on this. It was not, I didn't expect it. I wasn't surprised by it, but I did not expect it. In the parking lot, they're still in their G-strings, ma'am. Maybe you'd be better outside there. Yeah. But you were going to be assaulted by full frontal in the third aisle once you go in. Is this another sign of global warming, by the way? that would be funny if that's on the list coastal erosion new storm patterns naked men all over florida yeah uh so the officers detained this guy uh and while walking back toward the patrol car they noticed a pair of white shoes perfect and a pair of underwear under the entrance he told the officers that the items belonged to him and that his clothes had started smoking and that the bicycle he was riding was smoking as well. Now, normally you would think that they were really hot and that's what they were doing.

I think he meant they lit up cigarettes. His clothes and his bicycle were literally splitting a pack of cigarettes. It's Florida. Well, here's the thing about these stories because we're having a field day about Florida. but there's a fine line between redneck and mentally ill. And I think this guy might fall into the latter. I mean, should we do stories about like the woman on the corner in Venice with shopping bags who's yelling at the parking meter right now?

I guess if she says, sorry, I had to do this. That makes it more fun. Yeah. Also, the parking meter might have been talking to her. Yeah. You're calling, insulting her and saying she was expiring. fired. Are we going to sports?

Let's do some. No, let's skip right down to this day in history. His story. All right. Here we go. Let me find some for you. There were some interesting ones. I should have written them down, right?

All right. JFK and Jackie Bouvier. They got married. Do you know where they got married? married? I'm going to say they got married in Newport, Rhode Island. That's where they got married. Now, give or take, because I want to hear you do the math on this, give or take three years.

When do you think they got married? Well, President in 62, right? And they'd been together while he was a senator, so that would add another five years. I'm going to say they got married in 1955. You did it, and that's what I wanted to hear. I thought you'd also maybe bring up their kids ages, but 1953. Okay. The TV series Bonanza, it premiered on NBC,

and it became one of the longest running westerns in broadcast history. Wait, is it not the longest running western? That's weird. It became one of the longest running shows in broadcast history. Give or take four years. When do you think Bonanza premiered on it? NBC. I'm trying to remember if Bonanza was started in black and white and then went color. I feel like it did, which means it would have been like their early 50s. So I'm going to say 1952. Oh, too early. 59.

Oh, geez. It wasn't in black and white then. Okay. F. Troop. F. Troop was black and white, right? Um, I think so. Well, if you mean, yeah. Heroes was color. I'm trying to, just based on, I'm trying to envision them. Okay, here's another one. It's in color, okay? I'm going to give you a clue. The monkeys, the sitcom The Monkeys, debuted, hold on.

Yes, on American television, although canceled after two seasons, the show enjoyed enduring popularity, popularity, and syndication backed by huge songs like, I'm a belief. And also, Neil Diamond wrote Clark's... Oh, right. He wrote one of their big hits. Yeah. Last train to Clarksville or something? Yeah.

I'm going to look that up. As opposed to don't go down to Clarksville by R.M. But I'm going to look up what Monkey Center wrote. But give or take four years, Greg, when did the Monkey sitcom premiere? Well, look, they were America's answer to the British invasion. They were a little poppy rock and roll band, which would put them around 66. And the show probably didn't get going until they were already pretty popular. So I'm going to say 71.

Did I give you a give or take? Five years, you said. You just did it. 66. Was it really? And by the way, it is, I'm a believer. That's what Neil Diamond wrote. Wow.

Yeah. And then I saw her face. It's so Neil Diamond. Yeah. Yep. It really is. Let's see. Okay.

Okay. All right. I don't think you know about this, but I thought it was one of the most, I guess, celebrated cave drawing discoveries was in France. It's the discovery of the Lasco Caves, L-A-U-S-C-A-U. U.S. So it was on this day, four teenage boys stumbled upon one of the world's most significant archaeological finds. On the walls of caves in Dordaune, France, they found complex and fantastical paintings and engravings of animals and one lone human figure. More than 600 creatures are pictured, including horses, bison deer. Anyway, it was huge. The sad part is when archaeologists

found it, the boys found it. And they brought the archaeologists in. All the animals had mustaches. And there were dicks all over the cave. It's in everybody's mouth. Yeah, it just ticks everywhere. So, I mean, I don't even know what I would give you, but when do you, do you, have you ever heard of this?

No. Same. Anyway, it happened in 1940, but pretty late for that discovery. And then the boys just find it. That's crazy. So where's the, what's the question? No question, man. I just want to get to the dick picks, the drawings of dicks and mustaches.

Okay, here's one. You ready? Yeah. He, no, I thought it was going to be when Moses Malone broke the backboard, but it's when he died. Let's get out on a high note. Here we go. We are going to do Attica, man, a revolt in New York's Attica Correctional Facility. Attica, Attica, Attica.

ended after a bloody state police assault on the prison in which 29 inmates and 10 hostages were killed. New York's prison revolt. When was it, give or take four years? Well, Al Pacino did that movie Dog Day afternoon and he was, she was screaming, he was chanting Attica, Attica. That movie was probably made in 1974. I love the breakdown, yes. So I would say this happened in the late 60s. I'm going to say 1966. I don't think you got it.

What would I say? Four years? Said five years. You keep saying that. Do I keep saying five years? Now you said four. Okay, good. Good.

1971. Oh. I think I did on the previous one too. But anyway. All right. We're done with that day. Not a good day for me. Not a day in history.

I'll write down in my. journal. Right, exactly. Don't keep it. Don't do it. Let's get down to no obituaries. Nobody died this week that I can think of. All right, good. But let's let's cheer up anyway because life is sad. Let's do some funnies. All right, crinkle it. Every week we do the comedy caption contest. We give you guys one frame of a comic. You then write punchlines. You mail them in to fitzdog radio at gmail.com. They are curated and presented to you as finalists, Mike and I then review them and choose one winner who will be awarded with something at some point in the future. We ask when you send it in, you put your name directly underneath your punchline,

and thank you for that consideration. Last week's comic was a giant egg sitting in a chair, he's in therapy. There's a female therapist. She's got a notepad in her lap. And he or she, I shouldn't say he. The egg could be either thing talking to the woman. Pieter says, despite all their best efforts, he was never the same again. That's what the egg is saying.

Yeah, yeah, Humpty. Flesh try says, it's just that I feel bad that I came first. I always do. That's not bad. It's not bad, but I should point out about 12 other submissions. had the same conceit for the joke. And tied it to pre-oject, pre-knowing early? Yeah, yes.

Premature. All right. Brett from Cincinnati says, yes, I do think it would kill me to let out my inner child. That's not bad. Ted H. said, according to a new true crime podcast, my great-uncle Humpty was pushed after heckling the jester. All right. Rich Kennedy said, for me, acting auditions are a lot.

lot like Easter. I'm always getting overlooked because I'm not colored. Whoa. Whoa, Rich. Jesus Christ, Rich. Man. Stephen Mann, Graham said, people are really transphobic. They can't accept I'm a chicken trapped in this body. That's not bad. I feel like the wording could have been a little better. I like the idea. Right, the idea. Clive says, she was my daughter, Doc, and they poked holes in either end of her, blew out

her insides and painted her like an animal. Do you do that to an animal? No. No, I don't think so, Clive. No, Clive. But I do like, you did find something original with the egg. Well, let's not sell me short on the presentation of the joke. Oh, that was pretty great.

So, uh, I don't know. I mean, what do you think? I'm going to let you decide this week. Well, um, I'm going to, I'm going to tell you, Flesh tries is good, but because, uh, I'm going to, I'm going to tell you. is good, but because so many people thought of it, I'm going to call that low-hanging fruit. And I'm going to go with, yes, I do think it would kill me to let out my inner child. Brett and Cincinnati, congratulations.

Look at that. First time winner. Love it. Next week's cartoon is there's a gentleman with a bald head and a blazer. His hands are behind his back, holding onto his hands, thinking pensively as he looks at a piece of art. on the wall, it is what you would call abstract impressionism. It's just blobs. It's like three blobs. And there's a woman. What is it? Abstract expressionism? Oh, did I say impressionism? I said impressionism. I wonder if there is an abstract impressionism. Interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. Let's look into that. There's a woman talking to the man.

we're going to assume she's talking because she's got her hand out. So what is the woman saying to the man? Yes, in an art gallery. And so she is telling the man something about this painting of three. They look like almost like jellyfish blobs. Yeah, they're like, yeah, exactly. Okay. Let's get to the pros.

Old Leroy Lockhorn is laying out on the hammock asleep with the lawnmower next to him. and Loretta says to her friend, Leroy's a self-starter, but not a self-finisher. Yeah, that's us. I bet if you caught him alone in the house with some porn, he'd be a self-finisher. Oh, wow, you did that.

Now Loretta is with her friend looking in her closet of her bedroom, and she goes, Leroy's taking me out to dinner tonight. The dress coat is food truck casual. Pretty good. I mean, that's in the paper. These are getting in there every day.

Yeah. It's not a bad effort. Yep, I like it. I got one I think you will appreciate from The Onion. Yep. And it's a picture of people hugging with the word title, like kind of Kiron saying Ted Lassow. And the headline is critically acclaimed Ted Lassow episode is just stocked photos of people hugging each other. I love that.

I love that. Really going hard for the feel goodness about it all. Oh, my God. I'll be honest with you, the first season of that show, I wouldn't say I loved it, but I liked it a lot. And it was kind of what we needed during the pandemic. It was uplifting. It was sweet.

The girl, I have a huge crush on. I think she's adorable. Which one? Wait, which girl? The young one, the British? The one who was in Fargo. I was just going to say if you haven't seen that Fargo. That season of Fargo, she will blow you away.

I've literally, with a little buzz on, replayed when she's released. I guess it's a spoiler. But not really. Anyway, at one scene, she's kind of trapped. And she's released, and there's smoke. And all of a sudden you start hearing the baseline of tied to the whipping post. Yeah. is so fucking badass and filmic and cinematic it's incredible no her in the her in the gas station

supermarket like this she's barefoot and his broken glass on the ground it that it's such a great season watch it um but man it got bad that show got so fucking sacked what do you mean Ted lasso oh Ted lasso yeah Fargo keeps no there was like there was a season finale where it was a Christmas episode and everybody was like singing in the street together was like, oh, God. Oh, no. Also, I heard rumors that he's very difficult on set. Did you hear that? I don't know. I hung out with him once. I watched a Super Bowl. Name drop Paloza coming your way. I watched a Super Bowl, three of us. He Will Ferrell in me. Can you believe that?

Wow. It was we were shooting the Brody Stevens project in New Orleans. like a couple of the scenes because Zach was down there for a movie. Oh, wait, more name drop. It was in Sandra Bullock's house and she rented it to production. So that's why Zach was there. Anyway, he couldn't have been more delightful and funny. Yeah, he was in front of Will Farrell. Listen, all I'm telling you is maybe I just demand respect.

How about that, Greg? Maybe he was in front of me. That's true. I mean, maybe he was looking at roast. maybe he was looking to get on the roast as a roaster. But we made fun of all the, like, the ads and stuff, and it was a good time. Do you ever find comedians kissing your ass because they want to get on the roast and you kind of detect it? Other than you, you mean?

Jesus Christ, that hit hard. Oh, boy. No, but listen, I think all comedians in L.A. who are really ambitious and are trying to make it. I mean, they kiss everybody's ass. You know what I mean? Like, they are just nice to everybody. They want to then exchange, you know, let's text.

And that's how they should be. It's networking. But ever sweaty? Does it ever get sweaty? We're like, Jesus Christ. Maybe, maybe a little bit. I'm not going to name names. Okay.

We'll talk about it after the show. Because I forgot them. Let's close it out with our favorite couple. Dagwood is in bed. He's reading a book. It's very sexist. She's always got a magazine and he's always got a book.

Like she's some fucking vapid whore and he's an intellectual. He's got donuts on his pajamas. And he goes, reading in bed sure is nice. Isn't it, honey? And she goes, yes, dear. And he goes,

the only thing nicer than reading in bed would be fill in the blank. Any other human man in America would be watching. would be watching TV in bed. And then she says, no dear, no dear. She fucking says no dear.

Like, what are you missing with the fact that I'm in a negligee right now? And I did my hair for bed. And then he goes, well, that certainly wasn't very nice. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's not very nice? Her having to hide in her walk-in closet with a rabbit-eared vibrator because she's got to pleasure herself because you won't do it.

How about film yourselves and watch that on TV in bed? Film yourselves going at it. Oh, my God. I don't know when this guy is going to learn. I'm starting to give up on him after 80 years of this time. Just now? Folks, you've been a pleasure. I hope you enjoyed the timing, the unfrozen quality of today's podcast.

And I hope that you will join us in supporting the sponsor. I do. I buy everything from the spot or they give me free samples of everything. And this week is no. Surf Shark is going to be the way you go. Go to surfshark.com Sunday and get four extra months and a 30-day money back guarantee. Miracle made. Try miracle.com slash papers. And you're going to get 40% off when you use promo code papers. So do it. That should do it. Mike. I'll see you. When are you back in LA? Tomorrow. Okay. So all good. I'm hanging out with Pete Scott and his girlfriend tomorrow if you want to join us.

What time do you get in? No, tomorrow means Monday. Oh, got it. See how I do that? I'm very professional. All right. You got out of that one. I'm keeping the illusion alive.

So I want to plug something. I listened to this book, which is like, you know, came across, like a book you could read in a day. It's Irish. Claire Keegan. Did you ever read small things like these? No. This is my plug to you, Greg.

I think you would like it. Is it a novel? It is short. It's a novella, I guess you would call it. Okay. Do you want, I can tell you how, I can't tell you. Anyway, you can listen to it or read it very quickly, but I liked it. There was something about it.

There was a lot of restraint. but I really liked it, yeah. Good. Congratulations, Mike. You listen to a novella. You're a real intellectual. And it took a while. It took multiple days, actually.

Also, the amount of times I have to press, go back 30 seconds, is so embarrassing. Yeah, I know. All right, thanks for listening, everybody. Take itish. Take itish. The world is collapsing, but we'll We are still laughing cause of Sunday papers, Sunday papers, Sunday papers, Sunday papers,