Sunday Papers - Thursday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 1 7/30/20

Episode Date: July 30, 2020

Welcome to the FIRST EPISODE of #ThursdayPapers. A 20-minute companion piece to #SundayPapers that goes deeper into the shallowest stories in the news.

Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Read all about it. It's the Thursday Papers. Son of a gun. You asked for it. You needed more. Well, let's see. Let's see.

Sometimes it's not great when you get what you asked for. That's all I'm going to say. We're timing this, bitch. We're going to do 20 minutes. I forgot to. Let me show you guys the new. This is the new logo. It's on the screen right now.

If you're watching this on YouTube. Okay. And that's kind of exciting. Look at that. Yeah. We both don't have any energy, but we're like, let's just do it.

It's 20 minutes. It's a sprint. So right now, go for a walk. 20 minutes. We'll time it. Do your plank. Can you do a 20-minute plank?

Who can't? Do it. Make love to your wife. Don't listen to us. We promise plank. Can you do a 20-minute plank? Who can't? Do it. Make love to your wife. We promise not to make you laugh, to mess up your core. 17 minutes of foreplay, three-minute lovemaking session. We're done. By the way, shout out

to David Chamberlain, who did today's Sunday Papers theme song. However, moving forward, we're going to need Thursday P uh theme music 10 seconds that's all the song needs to shoot for 10 seconds nice short little you know ramones like diddy right three power chords something about the beach and uh play it fast i like how are you well our podcast is approaching 10% done. I'm all right. You know what? I didn't tell you. We chatted a little before this. So I've been a little spacey lately.

Pick up Olivia, my daughter, and wanted her to bike home from her mom's. And she's like, no, no, no. I'm like, well, I don't have a bike rack. So tie the bike. And then I'm like, ah, it's going to swing off when I drive. So I tied it really tight to the roof rack on top of my car, which is not a bike rack. So it's sideways with the pedal. And I was really nervous. Anyway, drive in. You know how low my garage is under the building?

Yeah. Right into it. Bike mangled. Pedal right through the sunroof. No. But don't worry, the sunroof, just the part is $1,000. Not a big deal. It's not a big deal at all.

Shattered glass everywhere. Yeah, yeah. And the bike, yeah, the bike mangled. And the bike rack mangled. Ugh. Any damage to the garage? I don't give a fuck. Didn't even look.

Didn't even look. Didn't even look. Yeah. Wait, so just the hardware, without doing any body work or anything like that, just the hardware is $1,000. It might be more. I looked it up, and then I found one on eBay on a totaled one in my car. But even the one on eBay used was 650 or something or 675 or something. But that's if I've identified the right part. So we'll see. Damn. I was upset because my nephew lost my charger for my iPhone.

That can be upsetting. I want to give you credit there. All right. What else do we got? We got to hurry. Well, we got it. First of all, as you know, we we can be a little fast and loose with the facts. And so we ask you to write in and see if we missed anything, any details. And I guess we just just barely missed a gentleman named Mikey Fitzgibbons wrote in. in and he pointed out that last week I was I was spewing about how the fall of the Roman Empire was preceded by the Tigris and Euphrates River. Wait a minute. I think you said that. I said, what's the river in Rome? No. Yes. I said the river in Rome and you said the tie was the Tigris. This is my memory. I think I, by the way, I'm now drawing bigger. Listen, I just drove into

a garage with a, with a, with a, with a bike on the roof. I'm drawing bigger and bigger blanks. You said whatever the river is. And I'm like, I don't remember what it is. And then you said, think it might be the Tigris. By the way, I don't come out smelling too good in the story. By the way, I don't come out smelling too good in the story. And then I said, yeah, maybe Euphrates. Because you triggered me with Tigris. And I did get one thing right. Are you sure the Tigris freezes?

Because it doesn't. Because it's in the Middle East. It's in Iraq. It's like, you know, more ancient than the Roman River. I guess you can't say that. They're probably about the same age. But more ancient history there. So I looked it up, and what I meant to say was the Tiber.

Not the Tigris, but the Tiber River in Rome. Yeah, from Tiberius. I don't know. Probably wrong. Oh, and we're off again. Yep. To next week's correction. All right. So I watched Deadwood last night.

So you're starting it? I started Deadwood. It's one of those shows I've started two or three times in the past and never got. It's supposed to be great. It is great. It, it really takes you an episode where you have to just go like, all right, they're going to curse a lot. This is going to be dark. And, uh, everyone's fucking dirty. Everyone's got VD, everybody's spitting. And all I think about is their breath. How bad is your breath in 1865?

I always, I always thought about that, watching Westerns especially, but any of those movies, and even just old movies in London, really like Shakespearean time. What must their junk have smelled like? Never mind breath. Yeah. Right? What were showers?

First of all, were there showers? What, you did a bath once a week i don't even know yeah and meanwhile everyone's wearing like three layers of wool clothes all the time so your undercarriage is just fucking steamy year round well the nile goes right through london so maybe they would wash in that and it flows upstream. The Nile in Euphrates, right? Yeah. But yeah, if you've been holding back on watching Deadwood

because you don't think it's accessible, it totally is. And a lot of the characters actually have heart. There's one who's a complete maniac, but what a fucking great show. And it's pretty much, I think mostly written by one guy. What is the guy's name?

Yeah, wait. Isn't he from The Wire? Jesus. Yes, and then he wrote on The Wire. Yeah. Not then. He followed The Wire up. Yeah, from Baltimore.

Yeah. Milcher. David Milcher. Oh, no, Milcher. Yeah, Milcher, I think, was brought onto the wire. Right, right. Not by the creator. Yeah.

Right. So, all right, dude, we're at the seven minute mark already. What are we doing here? Should we get to some mail? Let's get to some mail from some people. We kind of did. Didn't we get corrected on the rivers? Keep going.

No, that's the correction section. Oh, sorry. These are sections of the Thursday paper. Oh, basically, this is because I usually finish reading my Sunday paper on Wednesday. So, hmm. Suzanne Tiffer wrote in. I was diagnosed with MS last year and given and given that my immune system is a mess and basically at a zero right now. I get to the part where she has a crush on us. I have a crush on you. I just can't risk any kind of socializing,

even constantly saying to the ex-boyfriend that keeps reaching out, wanting to see me, to see how I'm, quote, doing. One of my new rituals is getting comfy in my bed on Sunday and watching the Sunday papers. So nice to see you and Mike as opposed to just hearing you guys, which is very nice to hear. She likes to see us. That's wild.

I wouldn't use us to not have human contact, however. How bad is this ex? Did he give you MS? Did he sneeze on you? I assume that's how MS, it's transferred through the Euphrates of nasal spray. That's why I stay six feet away from people in wheelchairs. You don't want to catch MS. You can get it from a toilet seat.

I watched the old 80s videos of bands. Aha had one called Take On Me. And so I watched it. And she said it could be your answer to uh meeting blondie and it's uh it's a great fucking video back when they used to spend like a million dollars on videos back oh i know that was yeah they were trying to make noise big time yeah yeah that was great and the comic was um a guy who falls in love with a cartoon, and then he becomes animated with the cartoon. Yeah. Yeah, so that was good.

I got off on that. So thank you very much, Suzanne. Good luck with the MS. And you know what? Let the ex-boyfriend back in. Let him in. Good luck with the MS. Hey, it's not my place, and this is probably very reckless,

but my stepsister absolutely convinced she had MS. Hey, it's not my place and this is probably very reckless, but my stepsister absolutely convinced she had MS. I mean, was going to, had the best doctors in New York City, literally was up at Columbia Presbyterian, wound up there because that was the leading guy at the time. And, and then like went to some retreat to, to work on it as much as she could. She tried every means of working on it, including hardcore medicine. They are now not positive if it was Lyme's disease or MS. Right. So for what it's worth, just look into it. And as long as we're throwing around medical advice, I showed people that bump on my shin bone last week. And a guy, this falls under letters, a guy reached out to me who I don't know at all on Instagram. And he goes, leg bump, tear in the fascia. I guess that's how you pronounce fascia of the muscle, allowing the muscle to poke through, causing a lump, essentially a leg hernia.

I had three repaired, and that's from Big Simp on Instagram. It doesn't say Big Simp MD or Dr. Big Simp. Maybe his license plate does, but I'm going to run with it, man. I think this is just a muscle popping through although it's hard well I don't think you need to look further than Big Simp I think you've got it fuck the doctor well I'll show the doctor Big Simp's referral

right does he write prescriptions? the simp? I hope he writes big prescriptions to Big Simp it's like oh there's WebMD did youcriptions to Big Simp. It's like, oh, there's WebMD. Did you go to BigSimp.com? Especially about that MS?

This one is from Ron Dukes. The only statues I ever, we talked a lot about statues. The only statues I ever took pictures of, Bon Scott from ACDC when I was in Perth, Australia. What a statue that must be. Stevie Ray Vaughan in Austin, Texas. Wayne Gretzky in Edmonton. All right. I like all three of those. I know. I know.

And I was trying to think of like which statues I thought were cool. The Rocky one in Philly. Although I think they might pull it down because you ever hear Bill Burr's bit about. Best thing ever. Yeah. Racist.

Philly is so racist that they've got all these famous boxers. Joe Frazier. I forget who, but there's like. No, no. It is absolutely Joe Frazier. Yeah. And instead they put up an actor who played a boxer. Right.

Right. Who's white. Italian. There is also. As I said, Rocky, greatest movie ever about a Philadelphia boxer with an incredible New York accent. Yeah, right, right. There was also in Chicago, they've got the weirdest fucking statue

of that guy, the announcer for the Cubs. Harry Carey. Harry Carey. Right outside Wrigley Field, there's this horrible statue of him, and it looks like he's in a pool of like, there's like heads that are melted by his feet. It's fucking surreal.

Wow. Well, he was like very love to drink. Yeah. Talk about a guy who played loose with announcing and stuff like that, but you know, legend. I think he was the first holy cow guy, right? Maybe. I think he was holy cow guy.

Yeah. All right, Mike, we're at 13 minutes. Let's get to it. It's the crossword puzzle. You want me to do Dear Abby to end it? A quick Dear Abby. Oh, okay. And then we'll do crossword puzzle, and then we'll do the funnies.

Perfect. Okay. All right. We know what we're doing here. We're a professional outfit. Thursdays. It's our day off. It's our day of rest. Excuse me. All right. Dear Abby, I'm going to do Abby's on Thursdays because I have Amy's on Sundays. Dear Abby, I was a girl, then a young lady, next to mother, and now a grandmother. I was never a guy in quotes until the last 10 years when waitstaff and salespeople began calling me that when I'm with my husband. Examples. How are you guys tonight? And what can I get you guys? I am not, nor have I ever been

a guy quotes other than bearing my breast. How do I let people know that I am not a guy and wish to be addressed otherwise? Signed, call me ma'am in Florida. Dear, call me ma'am. You sound like a dick. That's my response. You don't sound like a Karen. You sound like a Ken. You don't even get Karen.

Yeah. What's your problem? Oh god what about mankind oh does she use the word history does she get does she get triggered with the word history right and you know what all women complain about is not being treated like men now you are you're treated the same as men this is the whole fucking goal, isn't it? Yeah. Whatever. I think everyone should just switch from guys to ladies. I think we would all laugh every single time.

How are you ladies doing tonight? How can I get you ladies? If you were a waiter at a fancy steakhouse and you walked up to a table full of guys and said that, they would laugh for four minutes. up to a table full of guys and said that, they would laugh for four minutes. Which is, of course, because they're punching up and it all works out. We get it. Don't write us letters about this, guys. All right. It's time for the crossword puzzle, Mike. Have you got some clues for us this week? Mike and I have been working on this crossword puzzle since Sunday. We got stuck on some of the answers, and so we're going to try to figure it out together. This was a game you pitched. I like this game. Now, in full disclosure, we tried to record this. Did we say this already? We didn't. We tried to record this podcast, and we just didn't have enough energy and whatever. So we already did this. So you know what I'm getting at.

And maybe anyway, crossword. Fauci throws like a blank. Four letters. Fauci throws like a blank. And you very reluctantly gave the answer, girl. And I tricked you. The answer's nerd. And then I said, uh,

terrifying, often found at the beach on long Island, four letters begins with J and you put it together and we're very smart. And said, and said, jaw. Right. And I said, Nope,

Jews. Ah, yes. And, uh, and then I'm like, you know what? I probably got the E wrong.

You're probably right. It probably is Jaws. It was the 12 down was, yeah. Even though they can scare people and are often found at the beach, it's probably Jaws. Yeah. Let's go with Jaws. That's what I got.

What do you got? All right. For five down, five letters, candidate who black people will never vote for in the 2020 election. Answer is? I would go with Trump. It is Kanye. Oh.

Not going to get the votes. Probably not. Is he going to stay in this election? Is he going to be the fucking spoiler in this election? Yeah, they put out that pie chart of what spoiled it last time. The Independent. I forget his name. But yeah.

Jesus. I don't know. Kanye doesn't spoil anything, does he? I don't think so. Seven down. What else do we got? Oh. It is four letters.

A dick that can sometimes be an ass. Nixon? Andy. Oh, there you go. I like that. We have to remind people who Andy is, maybe. He's been out of the spotlight a little bit. Oh, come on.

No, he's like a Liberace character. You don't know why he's famous. He just is. And you love him. We've got three minutes to do the comics. All right, let's do it. Keep your plank going. Keep jogging.

If you're walking, step it up to a run. Right now. We've got two and a half minutes. Thursday Funnies. Why don't you do your favorite? What's this guy, John Adams? Oh, yeah, John. Well, I sent it to you, didn't I?

Yes. All right. Oh, we're going to go. Just look at it. I'm going to share the screen. Here it is. Can we do this? Yep.

It's now shared on the screen. Is it? I don't see it. Yes, you do. Oh, there it is. Yep. I see it. Anyway, that's just a little taste for viewers at home.

It's an old man and woman, an old couple, and they're on this placid lake and they're rowing in the boat and he's rowing and she's sitting up front, no paddle, just sitting there enjoying it. In the reflection, you see him with the paddle about to smash it on top of her head. Gritting his teeth. smashing on top of her head. Gritting his teeth. Yes. And so he has a series of those. This is Charles Adams from the New Yorker, probably in the 50s or 60s. I'll fact check that. And it's such an inspiration for the edgy ones that would come later from Larson. All right. All right. Hurry up. Quick. Let's get to here's the Lockhorns. It's the two of them, the couple, sitting there talking to an insurance salesman. And she says, am I covered for each day I die inside? I like that. Next one is her reading his paycheck.

He's looking at her angrily and she says, well, the Joneses can relax. Because they were trying to keep up with them? Oh, she's both. Get Andy Kapp over there to kick her ass. That's fucking great. And the last one is Loretta is walking into a beauty salon. He's standing behind her laughing at her and says, ah, the field of battle.

He got her. Last legs. He got her. Last legs. He got her. Mike, you have one minute to do the family circus. I don't need a minute. This piece of shit. There it is. Family circus.

It's a father and son with their golf clubs in hand exiting a miniature golf. And they, let me move this so I can read it. They the kid goes he's holding up his score sheet. I win, daddy. I had one hundred and forty two and you only had seventy eight. Oh, so what's interesting is they're both wearing masks and the father even has sunglasses on, probably to hide his expression like I wonder what piece of shit idea he's going to write under this picture. I think that's I think what he's. Yeah. And it's toxic.

Yeah. It's so unfunny. It's toxic. So I'm going to wear this mask. Oh, is he going to do the old golf? The low score wins joke. That's never been done. Now they're hiding their face. They don't want to be the old a golf the low score wins joke that's never been done now they're hiding their face they don't want to be so old they don't want to be recognized in public that's why they're

wearing masks because this fucking comic strip is so bad if i would i wish that i could be put into the comic strip i would hit a fucking golf ball at the back of their heads from the from the hole behind them that is why they're disguised. I think you're right. Holy crap. I think we had 20 minutes. We did it, Mike. Our first Thursday papers. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

Don't forget Sundays comes out on Sunday. And that's going to be 20 minutes from now on. This was perfect. And go to the Greg Fitzsimmons YouTube channel. If you want to watch the show, it's right there and we'll catch you guys next week. Oh, wait.

One thing is, uh, people, is people reacted well to that mushroom story I told, trip story. And you have some as well. If you're so inclined, send us some of your tripping stories or even drunk stories. And maybe we'll read them on air because they're endlessly amusing. We've all been there. Let's stick with tripping.

More specific. Crazy. Okay, great. Fine. All right stick with tripping. More specific. Crazier. Okay, great. Fine. All right. All right, Mike. All righty. I'll see you next week.

See you in a few days. Bye. Goodbye. Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Suncappers. Suncappers. Suncappers. Suncappers.