Sunday Papers - Thursday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 2 8/6/20

Episode Date: August 6, 2020

It’s mid-week and the #Ellen controversy is still in the headlines. Turns out the show was pretty edgy.

Thursday Papers Come along and take a ride Thursday Papers Come and see what's new X-Tree, X-Tree! Read all about it. It's Thursday. I know what that means for you guys. You're not quite there for the weekend yet,

but you want to know what did I miss this week because you haven't been paying attention. We're here. The Thursday Paper. Nice. Yeah. I'm sorry. Is that my cue? We're here. Let's do 20 minutes. Let's put it on the clock. I did that last week. 20 minutes. We're down to 19 already. Come on. No, no, no, no. 21 minutes. That's what we're doing. That's how long I meditate for every day. I'm going shooting today, by the way. My nephew, he almost made it into the Navy SEALs. He was the last cutoff, and he's got a bunch of handguns, and he's taking us to the range today, and me and the kids are going to shoot some shit.

That's so cool. A bitter, rejected Navy SEAL has handguns. That's great. He's in Los Angeles. Nice. He's living in our back house. Oh, boy. That doesn't add to the bitterness. No. And this town won't drive him crazy. No. No. Everything's going to work out fine. Oh, that's great.

Well, listen, Mike, let's get to the news because, you know, we don't have a lot of time to do it. Wait, share screen. I'm going to show this picture of the Thursday paper. Share it. We should have had it up at the beginning, but there it is now. There's our logo. Yep. All right.

I like it. Now we're going to stop doing that. How about that song? That song was amazing. Yes. I haven't heard it yet. You emailed it to me and it was a defective link. But boy, I can't wait to hear it.

All right. Well, it's great. I forget the guy's name. I'll think of it. I'll get it by the end of the show. Thank you for your hard work. David Chamberlain, who does a lot of work for us. Oh, nice.

Did the song. uh we're not going to do news but we're going to get to here's a segment i thought might be fun mike what do you think about this i thought about this yesterday what about the classified section where people who want to sell shit crazy shit that you don't think you could sell otherwise. You list it. You email us at fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Describe it. Send a photo. And we will talk about it. And then people can, like Tradio.

You know the Tradio program? Yeah, of course. Yeah. And then people can come in and we'll broker the deal for you guys. I like it. Especially if someone is selling a sunroof for an Audi SUV. That would be great. Did you read my text, how much the estimate was?

Do you even want to tell people? A piece of glass broke that's fixed. It's not even the one that moves. Of course, it's the dealer. And there's a dent. And they're like, listen, without the dent, just the $6,500. I'm like,

I don't think the glass should be worth like a fifth of the vehicle worth. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what the hell? So anyway, $9,000 if I want to fix the dent also. Yeah.

Hey, who's looking up? Who's looking up? Who cares about a fucking dent I'm driving around without a roof. That's the dent also. Yeah. Hey, who's looking up? Who's looking up? Who cares about a fucking dent above your head? I'm driving around without a roof. That's the end of that story. I think you're looking at the glass is half empty. Glass? What else do we got?

Let's do three minutes. Well, let's do an update. A couple weeks ago, we talked about Trader Joe's coming under fire from the woke police saying that their brand names, what are the brand names that people were upset about? Trader Giotto's, Trader Ming's, Trader... So they would do it with their sort of...

Trader Jose's for Mexican food. All which I found adorable. And harmless. And they'd have cute little pictures on the front, like Trader Jose's had a guy running across a border with a bunch of kids. No. So here's the letter Trader Joe's sent out.

I love this. I fucking love Trader Joe's. I've always loved Trader Joe's. I like that they're affordable. I happen to think most of their food is delicious. And the staff is incredibly happy. They pay them well, they treat them well. Great staff. So now I love them more because they sent this letter out. To our valued customers, in light of recent feedback and attention we've received about

our product naming, we have some things we'd like to say to clarify our approach. A few weeks ago, an online petition was launched calling on us to, quote, remove racist packaging from our approach. A few weeks ago, an online petition was launched calling on us to, quote, remove racist packaging from our products. Following were inaccurate reports that petition prompted us to take action. We want to be clear. We disagree that any of these labels are racist. We do not make decisions based on petitions. We make decisions based on what customers purchase, as well as the feedback we receive from our customers and crew members. If we feel there is need for change, we do not hesitate to take action.

Decades ago, our buying team started using product names like Trader Giato's, Trader Jose's, Trader Ming's. And we thought then, and still do, that this naming of products could be fun and show appreciation for other cultures. All right. I love it. Yeah. We wanted them to stick to their guns.

Somebody is in this country right now. Look, I'm not. I lean left, but at the same time, I'm not falling over left. There are people that are collapsing to their left right now. Yes. I want them to double down. I want them, they have a new challah bread from Trader Juice. They have this Irish cheddar cheese from Trader Drunks. Right, new gay salad dressing, Trader Blows.

Yeah. They have their own line of Jaeger from Trader Bro's. Skinny margaritas from Trader Ho's. Come on, people. You've been writing, Mike Gibbons. Wait a minute. Did you take Adderall and write today? They have a new corn called Maize from Trader Joe Cajones.

Oh, they do? Yeah, I maybe should have stopped actually five ago. Yeah. It's late night. I can't get you. It's not a switch that I can actually turn on. I think the comedy out of Mike Gibbons. Let's get into our corrections, which we do at the top of the show.

Apparently, when we talked about that Indian crying a tear for the litter, not a Native American. In fact, he's Italian. Trader Giot giotto he's a trader giotto he likes a gabagush from trader joe's he likes a tortellini from trade yes so uh apparently it was a big deal and um you know he played ind Indians in many, many movies. I should know his name. Somebody wrote in his name. Well, just in the spirit of us wanting to get more letters, I thought it was an Italian woman. Sorry. Just trying to be offensive. No, the Indian did not have a mustache.

Oh, yeah. You didn't have to say it out loud. We knew. I got everybody there. This is from Ace. He continued on by saying, I'm very much enjoying Sunday papers. I just wanted to point out the cosmic resonance that I perceived during this weekend

while on a seven-mile run and listening. To wit, your theme song was a parody of a U2 song, and you briefly mentioned the 1970s public interest uh against litter ad campaign that involved the native american shedding a tear in fact these two concepts had been joined once before in history and a 98 simpsons episode trash of the titans that included a cameo from bono as well as a gag involving the classic 1970s Indian ad. Mind fucking blown, he says. Whoa. I don't know about blown, but.

This person's doing a lot of thinking while they run. Yeah, that's why you shouldn't run that far. Holy moly. When I run, I purposely don't think. I put on Beastie Boys as loud as I can, and I clear my mind. If I started thinking while I was running, I wouldn't make it a block. I don't know. Probably pretty good not thinking about running.

I got a letter. You want to hear my letter? Yeah. Guy wrote me on Twitter, fan letter. Actually, it was written to you. Hey, Greg, love the Sunday papers. I live in northern Westchester and drive into Manhattan for work. So I listened to it on the way in. Gives me something to look forward to. You and Mike are great together. Thanks for the news

and the laughs. Such a mature, nice letter. That's it. That was the whole thing. And it's from Dildo Schwagens 46. It sounds like the character from the porn version of The Hobbit. So I thought about it for a second. First of all, I love that Dildo schwagens 46 wrote in such a nice letter with not one joke in it. No, not not one immature move in it. And then I was wondering, were the first 45 dildo schwagens taken on Twitter? So I went to Twitter and I tried to get the name dildo schwagens 45 and I got it. Nice. Swear to God, it's on Twitter. And I made my first post today. Oh, you literally got it. You're going to start using it. I literally got it. And I said 45 wasn't taken. I love it. So my other handle on Twitter

now with zero followers is dildo schwagens 45. So you're, if you're wondering what an eight type personality like Mike Gibbons does during a quarantine, he writes endless punchlines for Trader Joe's bits and gets new fucking Twitter handles. This is the thing. I have a job that in theory is paying me to write and I will do anything not to work on that.

I'd rather like dive into Trader Joe's and dildo schwaggins material. I have spent a phenomenal amount of time in the last five days dealing with the Ellen controversy, because as people might know, we we both were writer producers. Well, you were a producer. I was a writer and producer. And people want to hear from us what our experience was. However, there's a nondisclosure agreement, which I still can't believe exists and is binding and legal. But we're not fucking with it because Warner Brothers is a very big company,

and we're not going to break our NDA and lose fucking hundreds of thousands of dollars that we don't have. But there's news. There's accessible news out there that we are allowed to read from and comment on without treading on our experiences there, which would break the. So there was a piece that came out on Sunday and and we made a video out of it which blew up. And so we thought maybe we would just revisit it. A lot of people wanted us to do more of it. As an ex-employee said, head writer and executive producer Kevin Lehman asked him if he could give him a hand job or perform oral sex in a bathroom at a company party in 2013. Another said they separately saw Lehman grab a production assistant's penis.

Nearly a dozen former employees said it was common for Lehman to make sexually explicit comments in the office, like pointing out male colleagues' bulges in their crotches or ask them questions like, are you a top or a bottom? Fair question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lehman's response. The Kevin Spacey school of working on a production. It keeps things light.

Yeah. Kevin Lehman's response was, quote, my job as head writer is to come up with jokes, and during that process, we can occasionally push the envelope. So if you're a watcher of the Ellen DeGeneres show, you know, that envelope gets a fucking beating. It is frayed at the edges. There's some shows, you know, he stole the Friends defense. You know, the Friends writers room and Friends and Warner Brothers got sued very briefly by a writer's assistant who it turns out was, I think, rejected maybe or from from a writer's position or whatever anyway. But the defense and the judge ruled in favor of the writers room that listen to find their jokes, which friends did have a lot of sex jokes, actually, when you watch back on it.

It's like nothing but it's a parade of dick jokes. They have to find that line by crossing it in the writer's room. But this excuse at Ellen is ridiculous. It's hard to imagine the scenario. Okay, guys, need to pitch some ideas for the Halloween show. Maybe we, I don't know, maybe we carve celebrities' faces into a pumpkin.

I mean, imagine Macaulay Culkin with the big round mouth from Home Alone. I mean, that's hilarious. And then after we wrap, I'll skull fuck the seeds out of that thing. A little cream on the pumpkin. You know what I'm talking about, guys? You know, there's chunky peanut butter, but not chunky butter. Hey, Kevin, can you stroke off a couple of PAs and see if this premise holds any water? Because I think there's something there.

Well, you've got to push the envelope. We've just got to push it. I mean, that's it. You can pitch the joke, but, you know, it's going to lead. What about this bit? And again, this could be pushing the envelope. Hey, hey, straws. Straws are for lazy drinkers. Your mouth is 12 inches from the cup. Just push yourself.

You can get there. Hey, speaking of sucking, Tommy, you want to suck my dick in the men's room? Hey, Alan, here's a pitch. There's a pod of whales. And then there's murder, a murder of crows, and then there's a barrel of monkeys. What's up with that? I don't have it fully fleshed out yet, but listen, let me expose myself to that new PA and get my juices flowing.

I'll come back to you with something. You know what's fucking sad is that these are bits that would score on the L.D. The first half, they would kill. Oh, please. Oh, my God. People put a tablecloth on the table. Then they put placemats on top of the tablecloth. How scared are we to eat on a table?

You know what? You know what? You know what could help with that? How about some office rape? Because it's almost there. Wait, Ellen. Ellen, you just adopted another puppy, right? Oh, no. You know, maybe tell the audience that and then wait for the thunderous applause.

There will be Kmart jewelry falling off their wrists as they clap their hands like screaming monkeys. And then when they calm down, talk about how, you know, when you rub his belly, his back leg twitches, twitches hard, like he's dancing to a Justin Timberlake song. Speaking of which, my back leg was twitching pretty hard when Billy the Intern threw me a backseat handy after work on Tuesday night. Man!

Woo! While crying. Well, what do you think he used for lube? There's nothing better than intern tears to get that shaft stroking nice. Oh, my God. So ridiculous. Ugh. Well. intern tears to get that shaft stroking nice oh my god so ridiculous oh well oh i don't know i don't know how else we close out the podcast except for to go to the thursday funnies oh yeah all right now i'm going to switch this over to the video. By the way, if you're not watching the show on YouTube,

you're missing so much. We are right now showing you the cartoon that we're talking about. There it is. We never talk about BC, but I remember reading BC a lot. I always thought it was funny and a little edgy for the sunday paper so that two cavemen are laying in a uh like a a little pool a hot spring if you will yeah and one says um bc i guess i guess the character's name is actually bc um bc did you um and there's vapors coming out of the pool and then uh bc points to a sign that says sulfur spring and he goes and the guy goes oh sure i want a fart joke in my sunday comics

that's a good one and apparently they had signs back then ah you have poked a hole all right uh let's get to kathy nobody does more for women than kathy okay go ahead you know a lot of our comics we we have guys like you know handicapped punches his wife in the face or dagwood can't throw a fucking stiff one in a blondie, but the women are even hard on themselves. So in the first caption, Kathy's mom, who has bifocals and an old lady dress, says, I'm sure your stomach wants more pie, but what is your brain telling you, Kathy? And Kathy's sitting in front of a pie

with a fork in her hand, like an animal. She says, my brain wants the pie, too. What's your common sense telling you? My common sense wants the pie. What is your heart telling you? Heart wants pie. Fine. Eat

the pie. You're a grown woman. You know what you're doing. Eat the whole pie. Final frame is Kathy sitting Eat the pie. You're a grown woman. You know what you're doing. Eat the whole pie. Final frame is Kathy sitting at the table looking fat. She's got stains on her chest. Her tongue is sticking out. Husband walks in and she goes, mother made me eat a pie. The real last frame would have been the father. That's the father, right?

Oh, that's the father. I imagine. Yeah, I can't right? Oh, that's the father. I imagine. Yeah, I can't imagine Kathy as a boyfriend at this point. Walking into the bathroom, making herself throw up, saying, mother made me eat a pie. Right, right, right. Yeah, as she shaves her eyebrows. At least Hager and Andy Kapp just beat the shit out of their women. Like, they don't hurt them forever on the inside.

Yeah. Yeah, mom is worried about Kathy. beat the shit out of their women. Like they don't hurt them forever on the inside. Yeah. Yeah. Mom is, uh, mom's worried about Kathy. You know, this, this comic strip is basically about how,

if you get fat, you're going to die alone week after week. Yeah. You can't have this gem that just walked in the room. Look at that guy. I love Kathy. Yeah. I love that.

He's still got, he's got on a vest and a tie. It's fucking nine o'clock at night. Hey, we got like a minute left. What do we got? Oh, that's a long comic.

Beetle Bailey. All right. Yeah, but it's worth it. It's so worth it. Okay. Um, the,

the general, there's this character called Mrs. Bixley and this is, it's so fucking sexist. So, uh, the general walks in, he goes,

miss, miss Buxley hasn't come in yet and the ugly secretary the one that does all the work says no i have a feeling something's wrong with her the general says i can't imagine anything being wrong with her phone rings on his desk hello hello general half track this is miss miss buxley cut to her in bed naked with a with a blanket over her. I can't come in today. The doctor found these little spots all over my body. Next frame, her leg is sticking out of the covers.

It's a fucking bowling pin. It's perfect. It's smooth. It's long. You got to see the toes. All right, go ahead. She's pointing her toes. You can barely see them.

you can you can barely see them he had to look real real hard is in boldface and she's now picking up the blanket and looking at her vagina and then the next frame she's laying on her side boob almost sticking out saying i actually i'm in great shape but he wants me to stay in bed with no clothes on. Bye. And now the general is petrified at his desk, eyes bulging, he's bent forward, and the ugly secretary says, I don't know what's wrong. I can't seem to pry the phone out of his hands. That's not a phone. Sometimes a phone is just a phone. That, like when was that written?

It was Mort Walker who wrote that. I got to say, she's no blondie, but she is pretty fucking hot. All right, I guess so. That's a weird one. All right, let's get to it. Mike's favorite. Good fucking Lord right, let's get to it. Mike's favorite. Good fucking Lord. I can't even do it.

What's the... Please... All right, it's Family Circus. Little kid at the dinner table has a salad at her plate. The mom's listening to this little brat, and the brat sees the bottle and goes, please pass the salad lotion. What?

You can't. That's not a fucking thing. That's ridiculous. By the way, wait, can you shrink the screen? I wrote down examples and now I can't get to where I wrote stupid things like this. Stupid examples. Oh, there we go.

Did you just shrink it? I shrunk it, but I don't see your comments. I only pasted over your, uh, picture. I didn't, I didn't take your little jokes.

No, anyway, whatever. It's so stupid. That's not humor. You can't get paid for that. You can't just be like, Oh,

spaghetti gravy or whatever else it would be. Right. Hey, can we have some chips and sauce and then ship it out and expect to fucking fund your summer home? 40 years of jokes on a child mispronouncing something that and he has cashed those checks for 40 fucking years, went into syndication. Do you know these books? You can buy family circus bound books of this shit you dip the fish in some tartar cream something like that is that you know what goes good with chicken wings some nice hot barbecue dressing ship it i fucking i did it no the mother's got kind of a sly look on her face as if she just had a light bulb went off when the

girl said please pass the salad lotion that she's thinking about a cucumber after dinner with the husband and a little a little lotion she's gonna need a little salad lotion oh my god oh pass the paper towels or the paper washcloths could a kid call them paper washcloths. Could a kid call them paper washcloths? Because no one does and it's cute. I have to go to bed. Mommy, will you pull up my bed wrapping paper to put on me? It's just no effort. It reminds me, you know how Billy Joel drives me crazy. But remember Piano Man?

Like he needed a rhyme. So he goes, and he's there with his tonic with his uh tonic and gin it's like no yeah yeah you can't yeah fucking switch the order of a thing to make it rhyme yep just go back go back to the other line and change it so it rhymes with tonic yeah it's crazy's crazy. Crazy making. Holy crap. What are we doing? An hour? What is it now? That's it. We've done 24, 23, 24 minutes. Let's wrap it up. Mike, anything to promote? Yes. I'm going to talk about it Sunday. It's my favorite new show on television. favorite new show on television. It's called Love on the Spectrum. Oh my God. It's so good.

It's heartwarming. And these people, it's people on the spectrum who are, it's like a dating reality show and they're trying to find love. And it is so pure. You feel, at least I do, like a piece of garbage as a human being watching these pure souls. Beautiful. Okay. Yeah. We're going to talk about that on Sunday and many other things. Thank you guys for tuning in. If you're not listening to Fitz Dog Radio, do that and follow us both on social media. Mike is at Gibbons Time and I am at Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram and at Greg Fitzshow on Twitter.

That's it. I'm also on Dildoshwagons45 on Twitter. That thing's going to light up. All right. We'll catch you next time. All right. Take it easy. God bless. bless