Sunday Papers - Thursday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 3 8/13/20

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

Greg and Mike detail the craziest tripping story and apologize to Danny Kaye’s family.

I-O, let's go! I-O, let's go! I-O, let's go! I-O, let's go! You're listening to Fitstock. Mike Eamon's got some time off. Their daughter's on the surf team. It's Thursday, Bob. Read all about it. Read all about it. It's not the same excitement as sunday papers but there's still some excitement no there was no excitement there all right let's try it again is this our all about it read all about it thursday paper here's the thing i remember about the thursday paper is i would do the crossword puzzle every day. New York Times,

Monday, piece of cake. Welcome to the week. You're a little foggy from the weekend. You could get through it. You could get through the entire puzzle in 10 minutes. And then Tuesday and Wednesday got harder, but doable. Thursday is when you had to have a second cup of coffee and give yourself 45 minutes to get through it. To get through the crossword? On Thursday, New York Times? Yeah, it started to get hard. No, no.

I've never finished a crossword in my life. Really? I'm terrible at them. All their little tricks. Oh, it's plural. Or, oh, no, it's this, you know, this puzzle has a coded theme. Oh, my God. Well, you know, we do crossword puzzle on the thursday papers right i forgot we're gonna get to it later we're gonna get to it later it's gonna

be fun let's start off with some corrections that's where we always start that's where we thrive jesus this guy mike ox his name is Ox Stiff. Really? Sounds like a porn. Sounds like an animal porn. He says, what's up, Fitzy and Gibby? I love the shows. A couple weeks ago, Mike said that Danny Kaye was into Pittsburgh Platters. I don't think you said Pittsburgh Platter, did you?

No, of course not. But I love that he, that's also another correction is, I think we were calling him the Cleveland Steamer. Boy, they're all around that depressing part of the country. Where winter is still lingering in late April. Yeah, is it eerie? Is there eerie? Eerie, the name's built in as some sort of eerie steamer. Okay. okay yeah and so suddenly you start saying somebody take a shit on me uh so you're laying under a glass table while woman while a woman poops is what he meant so he mixed up danny's because it was actually danny thomas listen to listen to adam carolla and pam adalon talk about it without the table it's a cleveland steam Anyway, for the sake of Danny Kaye's

family, Mike might want to apologize and correct his error. Well, look, I think you can tell him to correct his error. I think the apology is completely up to Mike Gibbons. I like Danny Kaye, but are we setting up an apology to beloved Danny Thomas and his St. Jude Foundation? Like the guy's a saint. I don't know. And Marlo Thomas is his daughter, right? That's right. That's right.

And I really don't like the city of Pittsburgh that much. So I don't know. I don't know if I'm accepting this. I think he is right, though. So I apologize to Danny Kaye. That is a tough one there that is a tough one that is a tough one to come across when you find when you start hearing the rumors because nowadays it happens in an afternoon somebody puts something out on the internet and it gets traction and your

life is fucking over by the time you go to bed that night so i would hate to think that we're responsible for any distraught people in the Danny Kaye family. I think it was Danny Bonaduce, and I think it's called a Philadelphia Bonaduce. A backside Bonaduce. A Detroit Ducey. Think about what kind of weird shit Danny Bonaduce has gotten into. Child actors, they're the dirtiest. And he got jacked. Didn't he all of a sudden get addicted to bodybuilding?

I bet it would be interesting to see he and Carrot Top side by side. It's actually funny you bring that up because Adam Carolla, who was talked about in this message, was Adam Carolla's partner. Adam Carolla and, I'm sorry, Danny Bonaduce was partners with Adam. And yes, he was jacked. And I think they didn't end up getting along at the end. Oh, you mean on FM radio? Yep.

Right, right. I recall. On KROQ. Yeah. That's right. I recall. On KROQ. Yeah. That's right. Let's get into letters to the editor. This one is, you had one about Formula One, Mike? Yeah.

So this guy wrote, what? This guy wrote in. My voice has been very high. I was mocking myself. This guy, this is from Mark W. in Sacramento, Sactown. I don't know what it's called. And here it was. Hi, Greg and Mike.

When I listen to the Sunday papers each week, it drives me crazy when you guys come to the sports section and say, well, no sports. I only watch and follow one sport, Formula One racing, and we have already been racing for five weeks now. I don't know why Formula One isn't reported on anywhere in sports reporting. Not only is it the most exciting racing with the most elite drivers, but we have an American team, Haas, Haas, probably racing as well. Also, there is a six time world champion, Lewis Hamilton, who is black and his team, Mercedes, has repainted their cars black with black BLM on them.

The FIA has instituted. Sorry, I'm having trouble reading today. We race as one logo on all cars. That all sounds very cool. Unfortunately, there are no fans in the grandstands, but the racing is no less than enthralling. Thanks for what you do. Stay safe. Love the podcast. I like that. Now, does it slow the cars down that they have those spinning rims on them?

Jesus. You just ruined the whole spirit of this. All right. Formula One, first of all, I heard that show on Netflix is awesome. They have a reality show. Yeah. I believe. Yeah, I think I have heard about that.

I think it's sort of like picking up steam in this country. Bill Burr is crazy for the Formula One. He talks about it all the time. I had a neighbor two years ago who worked for Formula One or was involved. Why don't we call, maybe I'll email him this week and see if they want to sponsor this podcast. Oh, that's good. I like it. Give us extra incentive to cover Formula One. that's good. I like it. Give us extra incentive to cover Formula One.

Right. Yes. I like it. We also got a letter from a guy named Josh, Josh Wright, who says the same thing about UFC.

He said it's the only major sports organization that's doing a good job during COVID-19. Since April 9th, they've had 13 events. They plan them nearly every Saturday going forward. This fucking letter must be old. Since April 9th. They test every fighter, employee,

and three times, including the day of the fight, keep contact to a minimum. And many fights have been called off because of test fighters being tested positive. So he thinks that we should be talking about UFC, but again, the NFL, is it going to happen? Is there any fucking chance we're going to have a sponsor on this fucking

cash hemorrhage of a podcast that we're running? I don't know. I mean, yeah, I think so. I'm going to be positive. We're going to read ads for betting on the NFL. We're going to make a little money to defray the cost, and everybody can get their NFL fix.

None of that is going to come true. We also got a letter from somebody. We have a segment where you write in and you tell us about, we were talking about mushrooms. Tell us about your greatest mushroom story. And this one comes in from a guy who did not give us his name, but he says he consumed five grams of mushrooms each. He was with his wife and took a half a tab of acid on top of it. Okay.

This is also known as hippie flipping. It was our first time trying this combination and it was intense. We got hot and took off all of our clothes and started rubbing lotion on ourselves. Then the trip took a turn to something terrible somewhere. She started to panic and told me the only way this horrible experience would end is if we ended it, meaning ending our lives. And she asked me to take a knife and cut her soul out of her.

I think the acid was winning this one she was pointing i'm gonna i'm gonna pause on my laughing till i hear how this story ends she was pointing at her chest and urging me to slice her open begging for me to do it and i knew but i knew it was wrong i knew we were tripping so hard that things were no longer making sense i thought i can't stab my wife to death but i do want this to end now how would i kill us i considered the shotgun in the bedroom then the thought of shooting my wife and me brought me to hysterical tears we laid on the carpet and gripped it for a deer gripped it for dear life holy shit like the room was spinning and we were each going to be sucked up into space

by an intense vacuum. We laid in bed and held each other and cried for several hours and tripped on what sounded like the world ending outside. Wow. Someone should animate this trip.

We heard sci-fi sounds, horns, gunshots, bombs bombs exploding then eventually it passed blake from oh blake from texas holy hell wow wow yeah as it can make you suicidal i remember reading and at all i thought she was gonna say like in the only thing that could turn our trip around was if her ex-boyfriend came and talked her through it turned out it was worse than that yeah there was a yeah acid can make you do some crazy shit man if you got a gun lock that fucking thing up before you drop your tab I remember reading an early account. I think it was with, who was the doctor from Harvard? Timothy Leary.

I believe it was regarding Timothy Leary. He and another professor from Harvard, when they were administering these tests and also experimenting themselves, took LSD at one of their homes. Kind of didn't tell their family because they didn't know how strong it would be. And I think I have this right.

They were in the kitchen and Timothy Leary's a doctor. And I think the other guy might've been a medical doctor as well and scientist. And all of a sudden, they didn't think it was affecting them that much. They both convinced themselves the dog was stopped breathing and they had to massage the dog's heart.

And so they picked the dog up and put it on the kitchen table. And then like Timothy Leary was doing the hottest water and like, whatever it is, like maybe a flame, he was trying to sterilize a steak knife and they were holding the dog down. And like the wives came or something like, what the fuck are you lunatics doing? They were about to, it sounded very much like the story. They were about to cut open the dog to massage its heart. Jesus. And then they're like, they said the wives convinced

them to put the dog down. And when they put the dog down, they were shocked that the dog walked away. They were convinced they were going to prove to their wives, look at this lifeless blob. You're killing it by not letting us cut it open. Hippie flipping. Don't take mushrooms and acid. No hippie flipping. Jesus, that was a scary story.

Wow. This was... By the way, it does sound like he's setting up. Killing his wife like he wrote a letter to a public podcast. We've read his letter. That's his alibi. So the next time the police are going to arrive, his wife is cut open and tons of pieces. And I'll be like, she she forced me. She this time she outmuscled me and got the knife and made me cut open her sternum.

We were hippie flipping. I mean, it was Thursday night. It's all right there. Will you please listen? And the police are like, we can't listen to that podcast again. Just, it's all there. Admit it. It's exhibit A.

Let's do a Dear Abby. As long as we're doing letters. Dear Abby, here we go. Okay. I don't really have any material on this. I just liked the way this Dear Abby sounded. So it was Dear Abby. My boyfriend and I are middle-aged.

We have been together for two and a half years. I love him, and I'm grateful for such a wonderful man at this point in my life. My problem is he calls me sweet baby every single, did I read this one already? He calls me sweet baby every single time he addresses me. Sweet baby, what do you need help with? Sweet baby, I'm on the way. What did you say, sweet baby? Even when it comes to trying to be affectionate, he'll say, you're my sweet baby, aren't you? He asked this over and over and over again. And then he says, you're my sweet baby. He in turn likes being called big daddy, but I don't do it. He's not my daddy and I don't care for pet names. How can one little thing like that be so annoying to the point that I'm beginning to avoid him and visit him less?

Your advice, cringing in the South. So I was just like, dear cringing in the South, looks like Big Daddy has put Sweet Baby in a corner. It's easy to imagine what this sounds like in the bedroom also. Who's your Big Daddy? What's that, Sweet Baby? Louder, sweet baby. You're my sweet baby, aren't you? Yeah.

But, yeah, what's going on there? I think she's got to call his bluff. Just come into the bedroom. And you know how normally you have lingerie under a robe? She takes the lingerie off, and she's got on a diaper. Sticks a nipple in her mouth gets into the bed and takes a shit and says clean it up big daddy change me big daddy here you go big daddy now take me to the zoo you fucking sicko this is a this is dear abby so i'm sure she said something very sweet

any normal person would know get the fuck away from this pedophile. Totally. Alright, it's time. Remember, it's only 20 minutes because it's the Thursday paper, so let's get to the crossword puzzle. I didn't even press the timer, so I don't know. Oh, whoa, we're doing that crossword thing. Sure, go ahead.

I didn't do one. I didn't make one up, so you go ahead. Alright, I came up with a few. Five across, 23-letter word. Oh. Starting with an I. Okay. Quote, elite organization, including members Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman, and Olivia Wilde. I don't give a fuck about this organization.

How many letters? It's 23 letters. Elite organization including members Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman, Olivia Wilde. Answer is itty bitty titty committee. That's fascinating. That is official membership? There's a membership in that. And, you know, it's nowadays these women want to be empowered, and they feel like together they can make a statement.

What was it again? The Itty Bitty what? Titty Committee. You never heard that? That sounds like more letters once you had committee on there. Wait a minute. You have heard the phrase itty bitty titty committee, right? When you were in like eighth grade?

I think I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You used to say that about girls. 17 down, five letters. Ooh. A little west of crazy town. Itty bitty city? No?

Five letters. A little west of crazy town. No idea. North is the answer. Is this a, what's his name joke? Well, it's Kanye West. So it's a little west. It's a child west.

Ooh, you made a real crossword clue. Child's name is North. You made a real crossword clue. That was like a Sunday Times crossword clue. I remember, by the way, just showing the inherent bias. It was during BLM fervor, like when it was really at its peak. And the, the clue in the New York times was you can catch these in the rain. And it was four letters and it was cabs. And I'm like, but I'm like, it's so funny that during these times, like, you know,

that's the biggest complaint that taxis would never pick up black people. And it'm like, but I'm like, it's so funny that during these times, like, you know, that's the biggest complaint that taxis would never pick up black people. And it's like during that time, it's like, no, that's this answer is bullshit. You can't even catch it when it's sunny. Yeah. You can't catch those fucking things. Can I tell you something? And you're not going to believe it's true, but it is, in fact, true. Sure.

I was the answer of a New York Times crossword puzzle when I was hosting Idiot Savants. It said, host name of MTV game show Idiot Savants. And it was Fitzsimmons. Wow. Yep. That you proudly could say you've probably stumped more crossword puzzle people than any other New York Times puzzle. Really nice. Really nice. Really nice.

They got like Achilles' mom's name before that. Achilles' mom's maiden name. Oh, yeah, sure. What's this Fitzsimmons shit? 36 across. Oh, we're still doing this? Last one, and then you'll have finished the puzzle. 36 across.

Five letters. End ends with an A. American institution which has launched thousands of one-man shows. Hmm. I don't know. Ends in an A has got me stumped. Nambla. I don't know. N's in an A has got me stumped. Nambla.

And what's the one-man show part? All the victims. They all end up talking about it when they get older. They do a one-man show about how they were molested. Okay, yeah, that totally tracks. The pedophile victims, the rape victims, all get their one-man shows? Yes. Is there a one-man festival of the rape victims? Oh, my God.

These are too hard for you. I wish you were a little fucking smarter. I am stumped. You did stump me three times. All right, we got a minute left, and we're already at the Thursday funnies. Here we go. Okay. This one is Dilbert. I love Dilbert.

It's all making fun of corporate America. So in the first frame, there's a corporate executive says, from now on, we will refer to all of our problems as opportunities. And then the secretary comes in and tells the guy, one of your idiots spawn was playing with the oven and burned your house down. And then Dilbert says in the third frame, camping opportunity?

Who burned down the house? The guy's kids. His idiots spawn. Gotcha. Well, I'm distracted because Family Circus is about... Maybe all of them are about camping during the summer? Oh, let's hear it. Oh, yeah, you'll want to hear this one.

Okay. It's genius. So Family Circus, the father has the little bastard blonde haired kid against the tree and he's reprimanding him and he's pointing at him. And the quote, it's in quotes underneath is this is our vacation and you're going to enjoy it whether you like it or not. it whether you like it or not that's it you would think that's a setup of course yeah where the kid then would deliver the joke yep not the case no and to me i think this is a writer who's coded it because i think he's really saying to us this is my comic and you're going to enjoy it whether you like it or not. Right.

Fucker. Yeah. Well, we don't enjoy it. He's got a pact with the editor of the Gannett newspaper chain. And, you know, he's got pictures of the guy fucking his own kid or something. And he said, you're going to publish Family Circus for the rest of my life. No matter what I put in there, you have to put it out on Sunday. He probably did, too.

He probably did one, which was probably spent a lot of time on. It was probably funny, well-drawn, with the head of Gannett having sex with his own children or something to that effect, allegedly. having sex with his own children or something to that effect, allegedly. And he goes, listen, you can go with this comic or you can do the one that I tried. No effort. There was no effort spent on it. Your choice, pal. I spent a lot of time and effort on the one with you having sex with your children.

Hey, next week on next Thursdays, we'll read a guy sent in a really funny story about Gary Larson. Oh, great. And the thing with chimpanzees. Yeah, it's really funny and explains Larson. It's a cool story that involves Jane Goodall.

So we should do that next Thursday. Also next Thursday, we're going to review, it's not brand new, it's been out for a few months, but Fiona Apple, who I fucking love, she's got an album called

Fetch the Bolt Cutters. So listen to it a couple, give it a couple spins this week, as they say in the industry. And we'll talk about it next week. I love that album, by the way. Don't forget Sunday Papers coming up this Sunday.

FitzDawg Radio and Childish are also out every week. And thank you guys for listening. Thanks to our friends at Midcoast Media, of course, Nathan, Chris, and we'll catch you guys next week. Take it easy.

I-O Let's go! I-O Let's go! I-O Let's go! I-O Let's go! You're go! Let's go! Let's go! You're listening to Fitch Talk My kiddos got some time off

Their daughter's on the surf team It's Thursday, Bop!