Sunday Papers - Thursday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 6 9/3/20

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

More listener emails and an ad for great lobster. Plus, Mike reviews the VMAs and reads reviews for "Hoops" on Netflix. 

Well, it's Thursday, Thursday, Thursday. It's time for Thursday Papers with Mike and Greg. Read all about it. Oh, fuck. They're here. The Thursday Papers are here. Get one now. You might have read Wednesday, slow news day.

Today, a lot. You got Mike Gibbons and Greg Fitzsimmons delivering it to your door. Welcome, Mike. A little more energy than on Catalina. I can tell you that. By the way, my volume, I, my volume seemed very low. And then technically the volume seemed pretty low on me on Catalina, I have to say. Wait, did you listen to it? Yeah, I went, didn't we, we wanted to get a clip to promote, so I wound up watching a little of it.

Well. It's, by the way, it's fascinating. It's a great podcast. Have you ever listened to it? The Catalina Sunday Papers? No, this is Sunday Papers. Those guys, there's a chemistry. Yeah. They don't talk over each other.

What? It seems like they've been friends for a long time. They're a little too comfortable. Yeah. I like that people have crushes on us. It's not something I want my wife to know because she feels that at 54, I'm not attractive to anybody any longer. And I think there's a certain peace of mind with that. And a certain truth to it, I think.

Not according to Joanne. There are so many Joannes out there. I don't know. Yeah, there's something about it. Hey, so, um, Catalina Island was a blast. Like Karen's? Oh, you're such a Joanne. What do you mean by that? You have a crush on Greg and Mike. That's going to be, you know how Lady Gaga has, what are her fans called? Little somethings? Monsters.

Little monsters. Our female fans will be called Joannes. And our male fans will be called- I can't wait to call the dudes Joanns. And our male fans, our male fans will be called... I can't wait to call the dudes Joanns. Are we going to come up with a name for our male fans? You asked me before the podcast, you asked me if I'd seen anything. Hold on, I'm just going to play with this mic

for about 45 minutes. But I did see the VMAs last night. Did you see those? I know we're not in that section yet. No. But I'll forget. What are you talking about that's a perfectly good mic stand how can my technique there it is the vmas were a shit show was like

watching a bad cruise entertainment it it wasn't even lip-syncing it was go out there with a mic and, um, uh, first of all, they had masks on, go put a mic in front of your face and, and then move. That's all you have to do. There's no band. You're not gonna, you're not even, it's not even karaoke. Cause we're not going to hear your voice. I think Gaga sang Gaga might've, I kind of do like Lady Gaga. I think she legitimately sang one or two songs.

Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, they're always lame. The only thing that you watch when you're watching those award shows is something like Kanye taking the trophy away from Taylor Swift. You're looking for interaction. You're looking for crowd shots. You're looking for interaction. You're looking for crowd shots. You're looking for the person that's dissing somebody. You want a moment of tears. Nobody gives a fuck about the stale, flat performances.

No, it's terrible. And the awards are like made up. And also the girls were like, because meanwhile, I'm like, who's that? Who's that? I can't keep all these young female singers straight. And so, and also a lot of the Latin bands that run literally singing in Spanish. So I was like, so I seem like the old man yet I was calling everybody who won. They're like, how are you doing that? I'm like, because they

showed up. This is like bad award show 101. Yeah. You don't think The Weeknd's going to get an award when he opened the show? Right. All right, listen, let's get into it. Corrections. We always start with corrections because we feel like we want to be like the New York Times. It's all, you know, we will do letters to the editor if we're wrong. Greg, you've been married for 21 years, not 31 years, as stated on last week's podcast. Not sure what's worse, you being off by a decade or that I actually knew this.

That's perfect. Mike Benson. It is funny. I do check when it is my anniversary, I look inside my ring and there is, I don't know if you can see it, you can see the date. We can't see it, so it's okay. Well, it was 99, so I know that it's one year more than whatever the last digit is. My first two wedding bands had the date inside it. Keep in mind, I've been married once. And the second time I lost my wedding band, didn't bother putting the date on the inside again. Maybe that was telling.

And you know, one time, you know, the first time I lost it. You know what would have been funny is if you put the date inside, but it had like a hyphen and then another date after it. Like it had an expiration date. Right. That is funny. The first time I lost it, not a good story. I took it off to get a massage. Oh boy. In Minnesota. Yeah. Kilbourne. Kilbourne brought me up there to Timberwolves training camp. And anyway, that, and then the second one was surfing. It was really cold water and while paddling, it just slipped off. I felt like,

like I was dead in the sixth sense. Spoiler alert. Yeah. It sounds like that thing was fleeing you as the marriage was. Yeah. Ironically, I still have my third one. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. What do you do with a wedding ring when you're divorced? Well, I kind of learned. Is it like after after birth is it really something to hold on to is it like the tip of your penis after a bris those could all work i guess no my dad my parents got divorced when i was like four or whatever and then when i was in my 40s got divorced when I was like four or whatever. And then when I was in my forties, I think it's when my dad left his job, he had some valuables in his office, like in some locked drawer or whatever. And he gave me his wedding band from when he was married. So you use that as yours for the first wedding, for the first one? I didn't view it as a good luck symbol.

Yeah. Right. But it was, it did feel a Yeah, right. But it did feel a little special, though. Like, it did feel that, like, that was kind of cool. I mean, I guess it's the closest guys will get to heirloom jewelry, you know what I mean? Yeah. What about your dad's wedding band? I don't know. I should have grabbed it off his finger

before we buried him. That would have been a nice thing to have. So he's buried with it? Yeah, I guess so. He also got buried with his driver because he was a big golfer. And I remember thinking like, sweet idea, but I fucking love that driver. I would have loved to get it because I got the rest of his clubs. It's the only thing I got when he died. I his his golf clubs and they are right now they're about 35 years old and i still and i play a lot of golf but i still play with these antiquated fucking they're like they're like battle axes that's what you play with yeah wow yeah a lot of sentimental value

they're ping i2s i imagine do you ever go to the cemetery just to sort of think and contemplate about the driver that's buried there? Yeah. And somebody's going to dig up his body and they're going to find a shovel instead of the driver in the casket next to him. Regarding the wedding band, though, you do have a lot of marks where it smashed you in the head, don't you? So you'll always have those. Those are forever. inside and outside. Yeah. All right, let's do some letters.

Let's do some letters. We had a follow-up. We had a crossword puzzle last week where we had Christy McCall of jokes, and this one comes from Seabrios, who says, what does NASA stand for for need another seven astronauts also a letter from also a letter from josh whited who said i heard mike mention next door on the latest show just wanted to mention that if you were not aware that there

is a best of beck's best door Twitter handle. Um, they capture funny content nationwide from the next door website. If you don't know, uh, it's next door is like, it's like a combination of Facebook Craigslist and like a neighborhood watch group. And it's like,

it's like a, it's like a lot of Karen's. There's a lot of Karen's and they're a little racist. They're a lot of Karens. There's a lot of Karens, and they're a little racist. They're a lot racist, yeah. So I went to this site on Twitter, and here's a couple funny ones. Somebody wrote, stop locking your cars after 8 p.m. Some of us have small children and would appreciate it if you'd lock your car with the beep-beep noise before 8 p.m.

If it's not an option, then at least disarm the beep beep noise from under your hood right how on edge are these kids in the house trying to fall asleep honestly yeah right right what is that is this gonna see i mean this is that's got to be from san francisco where the kids are so precious. They don't want any trauma, including a beep-beep. Beep-beep is like one of the only sounds a goddamn infant hears. They're like, beep-beep, boop-boop. You know, all their toys are beep-beep.

Who cares? And it means you're safe, honey. That means we're going to keep all the bad people away. Is this a homeless woman who's sleeping with her baby in the person's car that's getting locked? This one says, hi, neighbors. I'm Michael. Stay out of my internet. I will prosecute and have SPD and FBI reports made. So this is like the homeless guy that you see in starbucks using the wi-fi and you're wondering where he got the computer right i think there's a lot of people complaining about 5g it'll have all your conspiracy theorists on there also oh yeah oh yeah um and you wonder if for his next door does the neighborhood he's writing about change every few days?

Finally, this is one that's just straight up funny because it's double entendre. Somebody wrote, we just had a rude awakening. Oh, nighttime backdoor pounding. Sounds sexy. Yep. That's all it says? And you don't want to do a daytime backdoor pounding because then it's bright and you can actually see the person's asshole. That happens at night where you're just feeling your way around.

It could have been an accident. I wasn't trying to do that. It was an accident. It's dark. It could have been an accident. I wasn't trying to do that. It was an accident. It's dark.

Can I go on next door and complain about the people I live with? Does that also work? No, that's behind the door. That's a different site. So I'm a little tired today. Last night, middle of the night, turned out to be like, actually, it was much earlier than I thought. It was about 2 a.m. My daughter me up she's like dad she's like i'm freaked out she's like a spider crawled in my mouth while i was sleeping and i didn't know what it was and i crunched it oh with my

with my teeth and when i spit it out i saw the dead spider no shit with my teeth and tongue. And when I spit it out, I saw the dead spider. No shit. Oh my God. And the all true. And she's like, can I, I'm free. Can I sleep in your bed? I'm like, that's the fucking grossest thing I've ever heard. Absolutely not get the far away from me. No. So I let her sleep in my bed cut to 45 minutes later. Dad, dad. I'm like, holy shit. Don't tell me there are spiders in this bed. She's like, you're snoring. I'm like, oh yes, that's because I was asleep. Happened another time at like 4.45 all of a sudden. Dad, dad, you're snoring. I'm like, holy fucking shit. This is over, please.

Yeah, yeah. Nothing cute about that. No. Well, now she can see what, you know, she can see what marriage is. Marriage is putting up with a lot of shit that goes on behind closed doors. Yeah. We got an ad this week

and here's kind of a special treat. This ad is a gift To a good friend of ours And they don't even know about it He doesn't know about it and we're surprising him And we want you guys to support us in this surprise We are doing A

Gorilla style ad That he doesn't know we're doing Seaview Lobster Company If you guys like lobster I've got the hat. It's here in the closet. Yeah, put the hat on. I got the sweatshirt.

You've seen me wear the green sweatshirt before. The hat on Catalina. Kevin Flanagan. Oh, yeah. There you go. Nice. If you're not watching this on YouTube, you're crazy, by the way.

You're missing so much visual stuff. It's a hat with a lobster on it, guys, and it says Seaview. I don't know how more descriptive I can get than that. So Kevin Flanagan, it's a family business, started with him and his father and his brother, and for 30 years, these fucking lunatics get on boats, where they did for years.

They got on this lobster boat when it was dark out in Maine in January and February all year. And they hauled in traps. And now they, they know all the local lobster boats and they got a little smarter. And what they do is they grab the freshest lobsters right off the, right off the ship. And they immediately ship them out. Uh, they've sent them to me, uh, fresh, big, They've sent them to me. Fresh, big, great Maine lobster. I never got one.

I did, but it's on a hat. That's the only lobster I've gotten. But still, solid dude. And yeah, we love their family. And help them out. And you'll feel special. You haven't eaten out in a restaurant in how long? So you've saved all that money.

And how special would it be to have lobster at home? Yeah. It's a really fun night. And the kids will love it. And it comes with other stuff. It comes with, I forget. It comes with, oh, you can get chowder. They send chowder also.

So anyway, surprise Kevin and call up. And they're a little bit main. You can't buy it online. You have to call them or email them. Yeah, there's no order online. I'd call just to hear the main accent. You'll love the main accent. It's 1-800-245-4997. Or you can go to orders at seaviewlobster.com.

Tell him, mention the Sunday papers. He's going to wonder why they're suddenly getting people from Sunday papers, ordering lobsters, but let's blow it up. 800. I doubt he knows what the Sunday papers are. Maybe mention our names.

See if he can, see if he can. He's a huge fan. I bet you, he listens to every Fitz dog radio. I bet fan i bet you he listens to every fitzdog radio i bet you i bet he listens to sunday papers 800-245-4997 get yourself some lobsters mike it's time for our movie reviews which actually always turn out to be tv reviews um TV reviews. You want to start? Well, I talked about the VMAs.

Oh, well, Hoops. I want to follow up. We talked about Hoops on the Sunday podcast. Hoops is a TV show that Mike was a producer on, Ben Hoffman's show. It's on Netflix. It's a debaucherous, politically incorrect, edgy show about a basketball coach. Animated.

Ben Hoffman, I gave his first sort of mainstream writing. He's an amazing writer, writing gig too. This is before he created Wheeler Walker Jr. It was on the Norm MacDonald Sports Show on Comedy Central. And he's amazing, amazing talent. So he created this show, Hoops. It's animated. Jake Johnson from New girl, um, is on it anyway. It is an intentionally juvenile and, uh, oh shit, man, where'd it go? Here it is. Intentionally juvenile and profane show. And the reviews are all over the place. So this, I just Googled hoops, Netflix, and I will, you can't read that.

I'm just going to read in order what people say. So maybe I'll do 10 reviews. Hoops on, this is in order. Hoops on Netflix is solid trash. Seriously, how funny is Hoops on Netflix? The new show Hoops on Netflix stinks. You gotta watch the first 10 minutes of Hoops on Netflix. Y'all watched Hoops on Netflix?

Best dirty humor ever. Hoops on Netflix is so bad, I can't stop watching. I want to be a new character on Netflix. Hoops Netflix. Hoops on Netflix is actually pretty decent. Hoops on Netflix is actually pretty decent. Hoops on Netflix is not good. None of these are answers or responses. These are individual

reviews. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Well, watch it, people, and then email us your review, and we'll read it during this section next week. I'm going to talk a little bit about alone season one i watched season six because that's the one that's out on uh netflix and it's fucking

amazing all right so where are you watching it sorry well now we're watching it on amazon prime which is great except i pay money for amazon prime and now all the other alone seasons you have to watch commercials. A lot of fucking commercials. It's almost a deal breaker. I'm hanging in because the season's so good, but I can't handle it. Someone told me that their kid who's in their 20s or whatever pointed out to them when they were about to get rid of cable. pointed out to them when they were about to get rid of cable, the kid was like, so you paid, because they were complaining how expensive cable was. And the kid was like, so you paid all those years to watch ads? Right. It's a really interesting perspective. Like I never stepped

that far back to look at it that way. No, they were triple dipping because they would not only charge you for cable, then they would put in commercials and then they would do product placement inside of the shows. Yeah. Um, but anyway, Alone season one is great. It's, uh, it's really intense because it's set in um vancouver island which is like just it rains more there than i think anywhere in the country and it's like 25 degrees out and and there's panthers and there are bear and there are wolves and so in the first in the first three days they lose like three people who it's just like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Get me the fuck out of here. Like petrified, like waiting on the beach for the boat to come.

By the way, your beep, boop, boop just woke up four babies in Venice. One guy wouldn't even wait for the morning. So they had to drive into this fucking deep forest and hike they had they had like his gps and they and these guys had to save him took him three hours to get to him to get him out of there because like there were wolves fighting outside of his tent the guy was a pussy dude we're at the we're almost at the 20 minute mark i know that's what i'm saying we're gonna skip the tripping story today We'll do it next week

And get straight to the crossword puzzle I didn't prepare one, so this will be short I have a Dear Abby though Alright, well last week, as you know We did the Christy McAuliffe crossword puzzle Was a big hit So we thought this week We would do a Leon Klinghoffer edition

He was a guy who was shot, killed, and thrown overboard by the PLO on a ship in 1985. Nine down. Nine down. New drink called a Klinghoffer. It's two shots and a six letters starting with S. Well, this is similar, unless you've changed it. This is similar to my astronaut's joke.

I imagine it's a splash. That's correct. All right. 24 across. Why didn't Leon Klinghoffer take a shower the night before the hijacking? He figured he'd wash up two words. Blank, blank. I'm going to go onshore.

That's correct. You're nailing this. I'm going to go onshore. That's correct. You're nailing this. I'm great at crosswords, it turns out. 68 down. What do the initials P-L-O stand for? Three words starting with a P. Middle word is an L. Third word starts with an O.

I guessed it. Those are the three letters. What was Klinghoffer's first name? Leon. Push Leon overboard? That's right. Mike Gibbons gets 100% on this week's crossword puzzle. Congratulations. That was my only guess. If you had said his name was like Arnold, I'd be like, huh? I don't know. Our apologies to the Klinghoffer family, but comedy's comedy, folks. All right, let's close it out with a Dear Abby. Dear Abby, my daughter and son-in-law's dog, Zeke, is a poor house guest.

We have kept him several times while they were vacationing. Zeke is a hound dog, 58 pounds, and stubborn. He jumps on furniture, jumps up to the kitchen counter and dining table trying to steal food, urinates in the house, doesn't want to stay outside in the backyard unless someone is out there with him. And when he is outside alone, he constantly howls. He chases our cats, and if he catches a scent, he runs off. He also fights with our dog.

Our daughter's trip is for 12 days. We said we didn't want to keep him for that long, but we would continue to keep him for short stays. This has been a sore spot with her ever since. She feels Zeke is our grand dog, and we should keep him anyway. I do not know how to handle this without causing any more bad feelings.

Please advise above and beyond in Texas. What do you think, Greg? Well, I mean, with any unwanted house guest, you have to leave hints. And I think the hint with, what's the dog's name? Zeke? Zeke. I think the hint with Zeke is, uh, you, you leave, you take treats and you leave them into the woods and then you lock all the doors. It's already built in. This is what I think they did.

They wrote to dear Abby just to create an alibi of the thing catches a scent and just bolts. Right, right, right. And I think that's what they go with. Like Zeke's gone scent and just bolts. Right, right, right. And I think that's what they go with. Like, Zeke's gone.

Yeah, it's like Pulp Fiction. Zed's dead, baby. Zeke's gone. So wait, I told you about when I lived in Laurel Canyon, we had this neighbor who was this old woman who was the mom of the next house over, the third house. And he was kind of like a well-known architect in Los Angeles. Well, the funny thing was everyone comes, came up to our house and was like, Hey, does the architect live there? I'm like, I go, does an architect live there? I'm like, how did you know? And like, Oh no, he's famous. He built this K like Kentucky fried chicken on like

Highland or La Brea or whatever, had this really cool design that was pretty famous in a lot of books. And I'm like, wow, you can really tell that? So I went and checked out the Kentucky Fried Chicken. It looks exactly like his house. It was basically his house with the KFC logo on it. So anyway, he took a vacation and the mom always wanted to get him married. He's single. I don't know if he was gay. He sounds like it now that I talk about it, but he had a beloved cat. And so he never would take vacations. He would tell his mom, like, I got my work and I got the cat. Finally, he takes one and he's out on a boat and he's, I think he was sailing to Hawaii or something. So she's watching

it. So we invite her over for dinner because she's alone. And she comes over like, Hey, how's everything going? She's like, well, um, there's gotta be a shorter version of this story. Oh,

here it is. No, it's kind of funny though. She's like, you know, he's out of touch cause he's at sea, but he pulls in a port tomorrow. And you know,

I have to tell him about his cat. And we're like, Oh, what? She's like, well, it was acting really weird. You know,

it's sick. I think it's sick. And like, it was under the bed and it wouldn't come out and it just won't come out. And we're like, Oh yeah. It's like, I put food and it's just really tired. And then we're like, Oh my God. So what'd you do? So, you know, so I took it to the vet and we're like, Oh no, it's going to be bad news. And we're like, well, what was wrong with it? It's like, yeah, you know, they agreed it was sick. You know, they agree it's sick. It's like, so what did you do? It's like, well, I put it down. Without call, all kids couldn't call. Couldn't call. Oh, wow. That's a tough call. We're at dinner like, what? It wasn't a tough call for her. Didn't get a second opinion. Nothing.

It reminds me, you know, that joke, which is much shorter than that story, but you know, the joke about the guy, he goes away, similar situation, but his brother, right? And he goes, his brother's watching his house and he, first time he calls back, he's like, how are things going? He's like, your cat died. And he's like, what? And he's like, yeah, sorry, your cat died. He's like, Jesus Christ. He's like, you know, you could have broken it to me more gently. He's like, well, how could I have done that?

Your cat died. He's like, I don't know. Maybe just dress it up a little. Make up a story. Like, the cat's on the roof. And then it, like, jumped to a tree and it fell. And then, you know, like, something. Just don't blurt it out.

He's like, I'm sorry. You're right. He's like, all right. So anyway, a few days later, he calls back and he's like, Hey man, listen, I'm sorry. I blew up the other day. Like you had really hard news to tell me. So, you know, I appreciate how hard that was for you and I shouldn't have snapped at you. So how's everything otherwise? He's like, well, mom was on the roof. So Thursday papers, everybody, we want you to listen every week tell your friends and don't forget sunday papers every sunday where we always have fresh material it's uh seaview lobsters they like hearing old jokes it's comforting it is a great fucking joke uh seaview Lobsters, pick yourself up a little treat for the family, maybe a surprise for a friend, 800-245-4997,

or orders at seaviewlobster.com. Make sure you mention Sunday Papers, and we'll catch you guys next week. Send in your pictures of you and the family or alone eating lobsters, and we'll put them on the podcast. Oh, I love that. Yes. See how I think, see how I do that. And then when you're done, take the lobster shells wrap it up in some paper and put it out in the can. Eat on the lobsters. It's like cracking crabs. That's what we thought.

How could we forget that one? That's right. All right. We'll see you next week. See you, Mike. Take it easy. Bye-bye. Well, it's Thursday. Mike. Take it. Bye. Bye.