Sword and Scale - Episode 147

Episode Date: September 29, 2019

Sexual child abuse is so widespread that the numbers are astounding. We seem to forget that the threat is omnipresent and can come in the form of another troubled child with little to no parental supervision. Girls are typically more pretected, more sheltered from these sorts of dangers, but when this sort of abuse happens to a boy the repressed shame, guilt and anger can last a lifetime.Do you have a personal story to tell about your experience with sexual abuse, physical/psychological abuse, or domestic violence? Tell others like you about it on SurvivingThis.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Sort and scale contains adult themes and violence and is not intended for all audiences Listener discretion is advised Hi, I'm your host Mike Buu-Day This is going to be a very different kind of episode Usually we feature stories of extreme crimes of episode. Usually we feature stories of extreme crimes. Crimes that thankfully are outside the realm of most of our collective human experience. But there's a crime that affects one in every five women and one in every 71 men in this country. For both sexes, roughly about 45% of the time, 45% of the time, almost half, the perpetrator isn't acquaintance. The numbers are staggering.

There are millions of stories like this. And right now, many of you listening know exactly how real and present and widespread the threat really is because you've experienced it. First hand, we did an episode about two years ago, episode 99, which talked about male sexual child abuse. After that episode aired, we were inundated with hundreds of phone calls and voice mails from people just like the one you're about to hear on this episode. The calls never stopped. They still trickle

in to this day. Many of you were appreciative that we told those stories the way that we did allowing the survivors to share their experience in their own words. We listen to every one of those voice maails. Every single one. Many of you out there just felt alone. You felt like you couldn't tell anyone about these experiences. So many of you said you'd never told anyone until now. You felt shame, you felt guilt, embarrassment. You're worried about what others think of you.

But there are millions of others out there, just like you. You can help them by sharing your experience. So we set up a new call in line and a website. It's called survivingthis.com. If you want to share your story with others like you, you can do so by calling 850 88888611. We will publish your message on survivingthis.com for others to hear. Your call will of course be anonymous, so please don't leave any identifiable information.

If you want to share your story with others like you, call 850-888-8611 and tell us what happened to you. Now I want to be clear, we don't have the resources to help you. This project is only for those of you who have lived through the trauma, whether physical or sexual abuse, and you can be male, female, non-binary, whatever, as long as you're not in immediate danger. If you need immediate help, call 911 or the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Thank you for listening, and we hope the following story helps. I'm still catching up though, I just listened to episode 99. Should have happened to me when I was a kid. This is Mike B.D. how you doing? Hmm, not too bad, not too bad.

Kind of nervous to talk to you. Uh, shouldn't be nervous at all. I'm just a normal person. Let me tell you something, man. I've been on tour with fans and hung out with some famous people and for some reason talking to you is making me nervous. So holy crap, it's Mike. Well, like I said, I'm a normal, I guess as normal as you can get sort of person, but just, it's probably due to the subject matter we're about to talk about.

Yeah, yeah, probably. Can we not use my name? We won't. We won't say your name at all. Let's talk a little bit about you as a child. You as a younger person and you reached out to me through our voicemail and left the message, and I decided to give you a call back. So let's just start kind of in the beginning and tell me what happened to you. Um, it was a neighbor. I don't want to say the pound or anything, but it was a neighbor, you know, he was a teenager.

He was cool, you know, he was cool with everybody in the neighborhood and just started, you know, back then it was before internet, before cell phones, you know, back then it was before internet, before cell phones, you know, kids were outside riding bikes, whatever, and he would come out and throw the ball around. I was a little short, fat kid, not very popular. You know, back then, Bullion was everything, you know, and started hanging out with him a little bit hanging out in his house. This was in the 80s? Yes, yes, yes it was. And one day we're hanging out in his house and

you know what, looking back, man, I don't remember his parents ever being around. You know, it's funny because there's that common experience. Anybody sort of our age range that grew up in the 80s, there wasn't a lot of parental supervision, not like today where you have like helicopter parents everywhere with play dates and all that shit. Right, right, right, exactly. But yeah, we were sitting on the couch watching TV. And since I left you that message, man,

I've been trying to remember how it exactly got started. But in the 80s know things get a little fuzzy all i remember is things got started in he would take my hand take his junk out take my hand to put it on it how old you and how old was he

i think i was about eleven and he had to be about 16, 17. But you know, nothing, there was no actual sex. It was all just with pants, you know. He touched me and I was uncomfortable so he would take my hand and touch him and nothing normal, nothing, nothing like that ever, but it happened a couple of times and I could go on over there and then my mom passed. Let me back up, I'm sorry, let me back up one second.

So you were... Yes, yes. You don't remember any parents being around or anything like that. It was just two little kids, one little kid and one slightly older kid in a house, and it was empty. And not empty like a band-in, but yeah, his parents were never around. My mother was home. My mother didn't work. You know, my dad worked.

And then my parents went through a divorce and she was home during the day, but worked at night as a bartender, my mother. But I don't ever remember, I don't remember his parents ever being around. Do you remember what they look like at all? Did you ever see them? No. To tell you the truth now, and I don't know if that's just my old bad memory, or I blocked it out, or just focused on, because I don't even remember details of the house.

I remember details of ours. But yeah, I just don't remember them being around. But you remember the incidents because they they stuck in there. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, I remember him taking my hand because it happened once on the couch and twice in his room because he had playboys. You know, and you know, you want to see something cool here you go and look in and you take it out and start doing his thing and then you take my hand and finish. Doing his thing you mean masturbating? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Let me ask you something. And this is in no way to say anything that you had anything, any wrongdoing at all, or any blame that you should have on this part. But after the first time he did this, do you remember thinking this is wrong and why did you go back? Pretty much because I was the fat kid and, you know, kind of like a follower almost, you know, I didn't have my own independence or whatever. It was at the older cool kid in the neighborhood and he wanted to hang out with me.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I remember going over there, like I said, it happened maybe four times, three times, definitely. But, you know, after the first time on the couch, I thought that was it. And then the incident in the bedroom looking at the playboys. And I didn't want to go back upstairs, you know, but there was playboys and there was boobs. I'm a boy, you know. But yeah, because you know the cool kid in the neighborhood wanted to hang out with me. And I thought that made me cool. So the third time, do you remember the third time? Yeah, it was in his bedroom again.

Same incident, same way. No, it began the Tari. Remember Atari? Yeah, of course. Yep, he had Atari with Pac-Man on it and it was in his room. You know, and one up there was Planetary and gave me the console and I'm Planetary. And he took this Venus out and was masturbating and took my hand and put it on him. It was always him starting and then taking my hand and me I guess quote unquote helping him finish or something you know. Yeah.

Did you even know what was going on at that point? So you were 11. Did you even understand? And now? No, I didn't understand it. Not really. Because I didn't know anything about sex. That, you know, it's not like now where the internet is available in six-year-olds, didn't stumble upon stuff.

We didn't have that stuff back then. We were more innocent. So this is your first sexual experience and it's sort of forced upon you. Yes. Yes. Yes. But there's more. When you're a boy, you want to be accepted. You want to be cool.

Even at a young age, you may have an interest to curiosity in things like sex, alcohol, or drugs. Things that feel like they're just for adults and out of your reach. A boy's natural curiosity is often exploited by sexual predators because that child will feel shame that they did something wrong and not tell anyone. This is how they can loop you in and keep you quiet. Thank you. Like I said, my mom died, My parents were divorced. We moved. I joined the military. We've stayed. Come back. And then move to another state. And a few years later, my father bought me a bus ticket because he wanted everybody at home for Christmas.

No problem. He and I are going somewhere now I'm in the dump. You know, we're all those kids who are in the dumps. And we're going somewhere and just out of the freaking blue. He said, did so-and-so ever touch you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No! What are you talking about, Dad? No! Where the hell did you hear that? Well, apparently, your sister's saying that, you know,

she's going through therapy now and going through this hypnosis regression and remember this. So he touched. Really? Yeah? So I asked your brothers. Of course, your young just was, you know, a baby. So no but uh your other brother was can't remember how old he was now like three five something like that yeah he touched him are you effing kidding me wow really so he didn't touch you and I started to tear up and I said, well, yeah, actually he did. Well, my dad, dear, my dad, you know, you didn't mess with my dad. My dad had a reputation. When looking for him, found out he was already in prison for, you know, loot conduct and

stuff like that. Yep. Wow. So, I'm sure you have questions, but there's, there's, there's, there's, so it continues on. Yeah, yeah. You know, he, he molested your brother, at least one, one brother that you know of and, and your sister as well. Yes.

How old was your sister? My sister's two years younger than me. Okay. So she would have been- So she'd have been... So she'd have been like nine. And the other one was you said three to five years old? Your brother?

Yeah. Yeah, he was very young. So what goes through your head at that moment when you find that out from your father? Embarrassment first embarrassment. But father's always been a very tough, very tough tough, the city grew up in very tough. You fight your way to school, you fight your way home. And I didn't want him thinking I was gay. And then pissed off. That just do touch my siblings. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like, you know,

obviously I don't want a stereotype you're a truck driver. A lot of the truck drivers I know are manly men. Yeah. You know, despite the sort of culture we're living in, back then you were boy, you got called a gay. It was an insult. It was something you got no fight over. Yes, back in dreams.

Yeah, exactly. You remember, man, it was a very big deal. You know, a very big deal. You know, at times have changed, you know, thank God we're getting, trying to push past bigotry and racism, and you know, I don't know about you or any of the other listeners, but I don't know about you or any of the other listeners, but I'm sick to frickin' death of hearing a queer or anewer or I'm sick to death of all that man. Yeah, I think we all are. So yeah, but back then, man, it was bad.

So let's talk about sort of the result of that. You said your dad found out he was in prison. Do you know what he was in prison for? He said, Lude Conduct? Yeah, I can't remember exactly, but it was sexual-based. Every state words differently you know but yeah it was it was sexual based it was and he got years for it. Give me an idea of how old you are at this point in the story. At this point I was in my early 20s. Okay yeah. So first

of all is how are your siblings doing? I don't speak to my sister because of other things that happen. We just don't see eye to eye about a lot of things. It's better if we don't speak or speak not that often. So we've honoured you and my brother has passed away. I'm sorry to hear that. What happened to your brother? He had chronic back pain from a job, went to a new doctor, a doctor didn't check him out, prescribed him something like liquid concentrated oxycotten and the first normal dose one drop that his autopsy showed that you know he didn't have anything but a regular

dose of that stuff in his system. And it stops his heart. He didn't know he had the large heart. The doctor didn't know because he didn't check him out. So yeah. And the sort of falling out with your sister, that has nothing to do with this. No, no, my views and her views are so far off. It's just, we can't talk without arguing, so we speak as little as possible. I still love my sister, man.

I do anything for her, but her views and my views are so far off. A common denominator here, his pain, life is full of it. Even for those who have endured the inthinkable and kept it secret for years, no matter what you've gone through, no matter what negative experiences have come your way. There's a whole world of other people out there that understand because they've experienced it too. You're not alone, even if you feel that way. And there's someone out there that wants to help. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. So let's talk about the the result of all this. You set on your phone call to me something that was very interesting and you were palpably upset

and angry. Yeah. Actually, it's still in my 20s, not long after, I guess maybe a year or two after that conversation with my father, he called me and said, you're not going to guess what I got. I don't know what piece got. No, I got a letter from so and so, from prison. Ask me how you guys are. Are you kidding me?

This dude's writing you, first of all, we're not even in the same city anymore. How did he get your address? You know, don't have access to it. Even at that time, we didn't have Google, you know, but he wrote, asking about us. So my father went to the Wharton personally, drove up to the prison and had a meeting with the Wharton, saying, look, this is what happened, this is what he did to my kids. So all his writing privileges were cut off.

Now fast forward to having heard nothing bad's now gone you know brother's gone. Fast forward to this year 2019. Just like everybody else in the world I have Facebook. Don't exactly know how to use messenger. I don't know how I got into it, but I got into the area where people that are not your friends can send you a message, a message request and it was just a whole slew going back to March. Just one line. Hey, how are you? A couple weeks later. Hey, do you remember me? A couple weeks later, I hang how have you been? You know, and I'm reading these. Just a little one-liner, a couple of words, and getting more and more and more pissed off.

I chose to ignore it. And this is... this is the guy. This is the guy that sexually abused you. This is him. Yeah. Yeah. It's him. So I chose to ignore it. About a month and a half ago, curiosity got me. So I went back into that area. And there was a couple of more little one-liners a few weeks apart are you mad at me a couple of weeks later

are you gonna respond to me yeah so I spoke with my sister and nowadays I'm a big tattooed pierced six foot to 275 pound individual that people I'm the nicest guy in the world, but my look makes people cross the street when I'm walking down the street thinking I'm going to rob them for something. You know, I'm just a bad looking dude, and I can back it up. And I told my sister, look, I'm going up there and I'm going to find them and I'm going to twist his head off his shoulders. Don't do that. up there and I'm going to find them and I'm going to twist his head off his shoulders. Don't do that.

Call this individual, someone in our family, and get their advice. Okay. So, he told me that I should get a hold of the local FBI office because see I Went to his Facebook page, okay, cuz I wanted to see what he was posting But he's got it to where you can't see his every post You can just see his profile picture update, but he's got his friends list exposed Right, so I went to his friend's list and I told my sister about it, she went and looked and I almost threw up because every single person on there had a profile picture of a child model with a shirt off or in this position or in

that next and pose. And then there was one where it was a very well done pencil pencil drawing of a little Japanese boy peeing on a wall naked and looking over a shoulder and what would quote unquote be in the camera or whatever but it was like I said it was a pencil drawing and it was Every every single one of these profile pictures were like that and a couple of them three or four of them had the same child model but in different poses and it was all boys it enraged me it's sick into me and I wanted to kill it so I got a hold of the FBI and I told him look man man, well, you know, statute of limitations ran out and better,

I don't want this for me. I don't care. But look at his friends list man, something's going on. Right, you know, we'll get back to you sir. I'm like yeah, okay, yeah, you will. You guys ain't doing crap watch. Oh, no, last week I got a phone call from a specialist asking me a whole bunch of questions. And saying, oh, no, we're open in the case.

We're looking at his Facebook right now. I am on his Facebook and you're right. His friend's list is sticking in. Then I got another message a few days ago and I had it. I finally typed them back and said, look here, you fn pedophile. If you contact me or anyone in my family again, I will gladly spend the rest of my life knowing that you're dead. And then I bought them. I was going to say before you put in that last part That's that's unfortunate and I'll tell you why there was a case a few years ago where it was a woman And she had been sexually abused by a teacher when she was you know young under age

And the teacher was another woman. I believe I'm getting this right anyway She had lived with this her whole life felt you know all the things that survivors feel shame and guilt and Depression all these things that build up and aren't your fault. And she had a very similar experience where as an adult, this person has the audacity to contact her through social media again, try to get a hold of her. And what she did, and again, same situation. The statute of limitations had ran out, and so there was really nothing for that case that could be done. But what she did was she contacted this person and recorded the call. And on the call, she basically told her that I can't believe you

did this to me. I've been living with all of this. My whole life, it's affected everything and she gilted this adult who had abused her as a child into sort of admitting on the phone what she had done. And even though the statute of limitations had run out, she took this recording of her abuser admitting the abuse, posted it on social media, and then several other people came forward. That had been in the same situation, and at least one of those individuals, the statute of limitations had not run out. And guess what happened? This lady went to jail as she deserved to, because she had been doing the same thing all of those years.

Good. That's where she's best. Exactly what she needs to be. I can relate with all the feelings all the feelings of a survivor, just, you know, I, first of all, yeah, I am one, but the anger that I have got some of the coolest friends is you can have, you know, some of them, you know, I'm not going to, obviously I'm not going to name drop, but the names that your listeners would know. And I can't even joke with them. You know how guys are, man? We say dumb stuff to each other. You know, I can't even joke with them about certain stuff.

You know, they say something, I'm like, what? And I'm, you know, puffing my chest out flexing. What would you say? Do you understand I could turn you into a pretzel? Sorry, dude. You know, yeah, I mean, you know, and I've spoken to over the years here and there, over the years, here and there, therapists and everything, just being a truck driver, I can't go as often as I should or want to. But I've gotten some help and gotten past some things, but when it dude starts Facebook messaging you, like, we're old, long lost pals. You know, you kind of start tripping again. Yeah, it's gotta open up that whole can of worms again

and bring out all those repressed feelings that you try to carry. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, it's, sometimes I get depressed, start thinking about it, get upset, and you know, it's more of, look at me now, and the person I am now, why couldn't I be that strong person then and tie him into a pretzel? You know? Why couldn't I be stronger and when he took my hand to put it on him, show him the other end of it, rip it right off. You know, I was, I looked at myself like I was weak.

Yeah. You know. And it sucks, man. It sucks living like that. Well, it sounds like you've come a long way. And I really appreciate you telling your story because I think there's a lot of people out there that are still living with their own story and haven't ever had the courage or ability

to move past it and put it out there and seek help for it. And I think that by you coming here and telling this, I mean, this is just so horrifying. And I think there's parts of this that we can all sort of relate to. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what Mike, I appreciate you soaring scale and the outlet that you have for people like me and people who have much, much worse done to them. You know, you give us this outlet to talk, tell our story, get the story out there so others can come forward and and and be brave and and let everybody know. We all appreciate you Mike. Well, thank you very much for that. I wonder what the future is for this person, this abuser. And do you know anything about what could, what may be happening here with this case?

No, not yet. Like I said, the agent that got a hold of me, it was just last week. So this is all still fresh. They're looking into seeing if he's out with no time or if he's out on parole. If so, they're probably going to violate him and throw him back in just because of his friend's list and those profile pictures that are on there but they are definitely doing deep dive investigation on him and uh...

i mean it sounds like there's at least enough evidence to get a court order and go check check out his computer because if he's got right on something as public as facebook he's probably got a lot worse stuff on his hard drive oh yeah more than likely yeah but you know i don't know what they will do to them if you'll get even more time if you'll get a longer sentence because of it personally i hope that he is thrown in to the

worst prison in that state and that he is thrown in to the worst prison in that state, and that he is, things are done to him violently and aggressively on a daily, raised basis for the rest of his life. Well, listen to me, if you could. Yeah. I know that this event has has made a big sort of dent in your life and what you don't want to do is have it define your life. So don't do anything stupid. Don't do anything violent. Let the authorities do their job and have faith in the process. Yeah. that's pretty much what my sister said too. And as much as I would just love to twist his head off of the shoulders, that wouldn't be

satisfying enough. So knowing that he's in back in prison, if and when this happens, and that I did that, will be so sweet. Don't do it, man. Yes. Don't do it yourself as what I'm trying to say. Don't do it yourself. Right, right now, I'm gonna let the FBI do the thing

and when he goes back, man, I'm just gonna laugh. I would like to be there when he gets sentenced though, because I'd be the guy in the back of the room that starts laughing and I'll just get up and walk out the door and say, Hey, remember, I'm the one that did just do you. Have a great life. Well, you let us know when that happens and we'll be pouring one with you over here. Alright, excellent. Thank you Mike. I appreciate it, man. Thank you so much, buddy. I'll let you know via text when this is coming out so you can hear it.

Okay, alright, sounds good, but... Alright, talk to you later. Have a good one mate, bye bye. That goes for all of you too. Don't let someone's abuse define you. Don't do anything stupid, contact the authorities. And one more time, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. If you want to tell us and other listeners your story on surviving this.com, call us and leave a message at 850-888-8611 and stay safe. Thank you.

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