Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - BRANCH & GREVORR RETURN

Episode Date: November 20, 2024

Well well well, the 2 biggest alphas are back to help all of you beta cucks and cuckettes become warrior men who would have thrived in olden times. Branch, who recently moved up in the world (from his mother's bed to her attic), shares his experiences traveling through the multiverse while Grevorr attempts to terrorize his first cousin, Angelica's new boyfriend. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You want to start off with a cheers? Okay, y'all, it's cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Oh, 2.32 p.m. The perfect time to start drinking a brisky. It's 232. I'm somewhere. It's 232 somewhere, and that somewhere's right here.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Oh! What the fuck? Uh, what the fuck? Uh, whoa. What the fuck?

Who is this? Who is this? Who is this? Obviously, if you follow this podcast, you have to be aware of the fact that there's a sub-podcast within the podcast that is far superior. to the podcast. Because it has less estrogen, which makes it better. In fact, it also has more testosterone. And which makes it more alpha. Which makes it less beta, less cuck, more alpha, more Sigma. So basically, like, so basically, we're your new hosts now for this episode. We're

absolutely back. I knew everyone wanted us back because we're just far superior. And if you're my mother, if you're my mother, you want me back. So welcome to Branching Grever Talk Shit. Branchingrever Talk shit. Are you? It's been literally like fucking two years. Dude, it's been... Since we did this podcast last. Dude, it's been two years since we did this podcast last. But not a day has gone by that I didn't think of you. Okay, yeah, well, we like hang out.

Yeah. Yeah, we like hang out all the time. So that would make sense. So what has been going on with you? It's new. Oh, cyber trucks are everywhere. And honestly, I find them to be a superior car. What I like is that Elon Musk had said there is a future.

I love Elon Musk. I love Elon Musk. I love Elon Musk. I love when he abandons his daughter. What I have heard of is that there is a future from Elon Musk where if you pick up a woman, it can lock from the outside. Oh my God. Dude, that's literally exactly what I would like as a future.

Exactly what I would like as a future. Do you have to update all the cucks on like, I guess it's time to update all the cucks. I have a pretty cool update. I experienced my very first test. Prostate orgasm. What? Yeah. You even went past the kiss?

Oh, I experienced it without any touch. Wait, what? It happened when I was watching Megalopoulos. You're kidding me. I experienced my very first prostate orgasm while screening Megalopolis. What part? What part did it happen on? It was the part where the city is like floating and you can't tell if she's walking through cardboard

or if she's walking through a city. And then another time, the part where the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, scream becomes a Looney Tune Circle, because I just thought, my butt's exploding. Whoa, that is so cool. Yeah, it was, I got close during Joker 2, but... Oh, Joker 2 is so sick because there's a woman in it. Yeah, I'm like taking a little bit of a breather from women, actually. What's going on with you and women, dude? Uh, dude, uh, I, like, literally have, have never felt more hatred for women. Whoa, really? Because you normally feel a lot of hatred for women.

Oh, yeah, dude, I'm, I'm, well, it's mostly because I'm such an ally, and they went let me be. Right. Right. Right. But like, yeah, I will say, like, a woman I, yeah, like, poured my entire whole heart and soul into a series of letters to you that could be transformed into a spectacular book that could be sold for millions of years. Like the notebook. Yeah. What? I didn't say anything. Yeah, this woman who happens to be my first cousin, Angelica, who is, I thought she was very modest and, and read us. woman, but you said she was demure before demure happened. I know, and now I regret it because it has become a trend. And I will never utter that word again because I despise a trend because it is mainstream. Yeah,

I hate when things are popular because it means they must be inherently bad. I hate when things are popular because that means they're bringing people joy. Yeah, and I hate when people are brought joy when it because because are you okay. Yeah, I kind of thought you were going to throw up. I kind of thought I was going to throw it up to you, brother. Dude, if you throw up, you can do it in my mouth. What? What? If you throw up, you can do it in my mouth.

Did you say that? You just clarified the exact same thing. It's just because, like, sometimes I feel like a baby bird and a mother bird with our relationship. Sometimes. So anyway, so that's it? So you eat Angelica or not. Anyway, I don't give a fuck about Angelica if I'm being completely honest because she has some fucking boyfriend in Cliff. What?

What? Yeah. Yeah. Like, I thought she wasn't that kind of woman. Like, I thought she, like, had, I don't know, like, a little bit of respect for herself. Like, I thought, I didn't know what I would be in a relationship with a woman. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, man. Yeah. And, like, and, like, the thing about it is, it's, like, I thought that she was the type of woman. There was a fly right in your face. There was a fly right in your face. I wanted to defend your honor, like, Dr. Strange. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah.

So, like, speaking of honor, like. The reason couldn't do it is because Dr. Strange doesn't have hands, so I don't know how to use mine. Keep going. Okay. So like, caught, caught two last things. You know so much about movies. I know,

literally like a walking limited series. Caught to like, caught to last Thanksgiving. Okay. Cut to last Thanksgiving. Have you seen veggie tails? Dude, yeah. The cucumber makes me want to get fucked.

Continue? What? What are you talking about? Dude, you're being so fucking weird. Dude, you're being so fucking weird right now. Dude, you bring me and my...

My boner go down so hard. I'm like never even can keep it up. I have to keep it up all the time because I'm uncircised. And my, and my foreskin is twice the size of my regular puppy. Continue? So I'm at my, my Aunt Gwyneth and my uncle Stan's house

in Maryland this past Thanksgiving. And Angelica walks in looking like a woman who's betrayed herself. Why was she wearing? I don't even remember. I just remember seeing red in my eyes of anger because she was walking, she walks in with this guy.

that, like, she met on a dating app. What's his fucking dating? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the worst part about this fucking tool, about this fucking beta. His name is Cliff. Like, when you jump off when you're trying to kill yourself? Or, like, Montgomery Cliff Gate icon. What? What? I, like, literally, like, you know who he reminds me of? Honestly, like, honest to God, like, not even being, not even being a dick, just, like, true intellect, like, honestly. He reminds me of Yvonne the Fifth of Russia. Why? Yeah. You know why?

Why? Because Yvonne, the fifth of Russia was like Peter the Great's like half-brother who had to share the title of Kosar because of their because that's the rules of the world. And of course it had to do with blood, which is the biggest problem with Angelica and I is we cannot be together because of our shared blood. And and and and and and and and and and even was made a co-sar by by truly title only because he was infirm of body or mind. He was infirm of body or mind. He was infirm of body. and mind. Oh my God. Reminds me that guy. My body connection is so important when you do yoga. And it's like he was only sorry in title. And like Peter the Great was like the real star and everyone knew it the whole time. And at the end, at the end, he got what he, he got what he deserved.

Totally. Yeah. You're a star. So my updates are pretty simple. So everything in my life has been pretty fucking great. everything in my life has been pretty fucking as planned. Okay, that's literally awesome. So it's like good things happen to good people.

Okay. So that sucked after mine. That absolutely sucked to hear. So good things happened to people. I mean, that sucks because bad things happen to me. I'm a great person. I'm like superior. No, you are superior, but I think you've made some bad choices.

But, you know, that's okay. What are you talking about you? So the thing that... Oh my God. You spilled on your jorts. I spilled on my jorts. What are your khaki jorts? Oh, my khaki jorts.

jorts, so now I feel my brusky seeping through to my foreskin. Oh, good thing I can use it as a lubrication for my eternal bonner. So basically, here's the thing that's going on with me. Oh, yeah. So last time I was on the pod, as you probably remember, I had just taken a big step in the world, and I had moved out of my mom's basement and into her bed. So proud of you do, cheers. Cheers. And now I'm actually moving on up quite literally in that I have been kicked out of my mother's bed,

and I am now living in her attic. Oh, shit, dude, moving off. I'm moving up in the world. I'm moving up in her townhouse. I'm moving up in her townhouse. And that's just a same. It's fucking awesome. And what I love about it is the Attica's a crawl space.

So I am doing really well in that I am hunched. Oh my God. Dude, are you practicing your crawling? Dude, I'm been practicing my crawling nonstop. Dude, one thing you don't know about Branch is he was like the number one crawler in our high school. You know why? Why? Because I didn't walk until I was 12.

So I've been crawling a lot. you're so good at crawling. I'm really good at crawling. So, like, and then also, like, in high school, like, obviously everyone knew me as, like, the world's best crawler. But, like, after the first two years of high school, when I got lost in the bleachers and couldn't return to class, all I could do is crawl.

So I really went back to my main form. So now I've been crawling a lot in the crawl space of my mother's attic, and I'll be, like, you know, practicing my Kravmagaw crawling and my, like, DJ crawling, my, singing crawling. DJ crawling. Well, because the thing about it is I've decided that I'm going to take my, What I was gonna, I was gonna, so I was gonna be a sound cloud rapper. That was always my dream.

Right. And then I realized what's even better as being a DJ. Right. So yeah, because with the DJ, you already have the songs. I already have the songs. So we don't have to make new songs. You can get even the equipment that does it for you. And you could just be the hype guy.

You just stand there and hype. Yeah, and you could. And so do you think in that case, you'd crawl. Yeah, I would crawl around being a DJ. And like my DJ name I think is going to be Dr. Strange Love. Isn't that really cool? An original? You know that that's a famous film, correct?

It's because I love Dr. Strange. No, I know. And so I feel like Dr. Strangelove makes a lot of sense. Well, Dr. Strangelove makes a lot of sense, and that is, it is a reference to the film Dr. Strange Love. No, there is an... Dr. Strange. Well, Dr. Strange. Yeah, there are two...

So there are two different... So there are two different Dr. Stranges in the multiverse. And what the world won't tell you is that multiple timelines, you can get multiple men. So anyway. So anyway. That's my big thing. And so if you notice that, like, I've been a bit hunched, it's because of the crawl space,

and this is my first day out in, like, weeks. It's been awesome. Dude, I'm so fucking steak for you. So fucking awesome. Sometimes mother locks it. It's fucking sick. Dude, your mother locks you in the crawl space? Yeah.

It's fucking sick. It's fucking sick. That reminds me of the scene in Megalopolis that I got a third prostate orgasm to. What? Rishal above comes back from being canceled by fucking his aunt. Dude, the thing I love about cancer culture is it's not real. It's not real.

and then you can come back from being canceled it, and you can just fuck your aunt. And if you can do that, maybe you can fuck your cousin. Yeah, and that's the dream. That's the dream. The dream for you. For me. Have you ever tried fucking your aunt?

Because if she is anything like Angelica but older, she might have like really lovely milkers. Okay, so this is a thought that I've had in, lovely related milkers to you. Milkers that are related to you, and so they remind me you of your mother. Dude. Continue?

you? Dude, I'm going to process a lot of what you just said for the rest of my life. But also, I was thinking about my own thoughts while you were saying it, so maybe I won't. What I love about thinking about my own thoughts is that I don't have to listen to other people's thoughts. When other people talk, when other people talk, I hear white noise, which makes me kind of be put your sleep. Like, that's like mostly your thoughts. I love that in my thoughts. Or white noise. Or in white noise. Yeah, thoughts like, um, I was thinking about creating, uh, potentially writing a limited series. Oh, I love that. What is it going to be about? Simply about many a dragon.

Duh. And it's like if like a lord of dragons was like like like about to die and like he had many a son who were like vying for the power of like his empire. So here's the thing about dragons. Yeah. Is like the guys who created dragons are bad news because what they won't tell you is the guys who created dragons are trying to do a whole campaign against AI, which I don't support because I fucking love AI. The guys who created dragons, what the fuck does that mean? Fucking do your research.

You're not doing your research and then you can't see the research. So if you just do your own research, you'll understand that the guys who created dragons are against AI. And that's... Like big dragon? Yeah, big dragon. Big dragon and big pharma. Everyone, all of them are against AI.

And they can't be because I like it. I like AI because it wastes water and it shows me tits wrong. Yeah. Would I love that? is when I want to look up, I say AI, can you show me what a woman looks like? And they show me somebody with at least 12 fingers. 12, 13 fingers.

And that is like... Oh, it gets my pawn or going. No, that's the thing I should have known about Angelica is that because she only has 10 fingers, like she is not a real woman. Have you ever researched the yellow pages for a woman? Sometimes I'll go in the yellow pages. I'll just look up woman.

You like go to the W section of the yellow pages? You ever find the word woman? No. Oh, wow. Keep trying. You want to do a segment? Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So our first segment we really wanted to do is because obviously, like, we are like, like, alpha males. Oh, so many, like, bug bites on my legs. Are you about to throw up? I'm going to get another beer. I keep thinking you're going to throw up. Every time you burp, I swear liquids coming out.

Yeah, dude, I mean, like, yeah. Or like, have you felt like? Yeah. Hit me with it. Do people keep suggesting to you to go to therapy? Oh, no. I like literally, like, I'll cut a person out like the fucking second that they suggest that. Or I like to do this thing where I'm like, yeah, I will.

And then I don't. Okay, so what I've been doing is kind of like what I do when my mother makes me Brussels sprouts, which I'll just push my feelings deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down in my throat and never let them come out. Wait, so do you still eat the Brussels sprouts? Well, no, they just sit at the bottom of my throat. I've had literally packs of Brussels sprouts at the bottom of my throat. So like... I have packs of Brussels sprouts at the bottom of my throat.

But it's okay because I'm saving them. So anyway, we kind of wanted to talk about... So because we know that a lot of you ladies are watching this and we're like, you need help. We were going to like, read you some of our dating app conversations. as a play. Last time we read you our dating app

bias and this time we're going to read you some freaking conversations from our dating ads and talk to she how he talked to these fucking bras. Yeah, so then you can get an idea of like what it would be like

to court one of us. Yeah, or like how to be like a fucking alpha when you talk to Che. This is a segment called Reading our Dating App Conversations. Stop! Stop! The music!

Stop it! Stop it! It's not fair! Okay, do you want to start for a little conversation? Oh, yeah, let's look through, okay, let's look through our app. Let's look through your matches, yeah. Okay, I'm going to look at my computer because I only do match.com. Okay, perfect.

I'm going to look through it. Do you have any? Oh, let me check. Do you have any matches? Let me check my app, which is Discord on my computer. Okay, yeah. Okay, yeah, uh, not looking, hold on me. I don't see any match.

Okay, hold on. I'm kind of wondering, like, where they went. Um, okay, here's something. Okay. Okay. Yeah. This is an email from mother at gmail.com. The subject line is stop. And the email says, branch, I need you to stop yelling when you play Dr. Strange because child protective services has come to our door.

Is that something? Yeah, that counts, dude. Yeah, I love that. okay yeah i got this email from a guy it's just like unknown sender fuck yeah okay

a woman of mysterious mystery okay hello grver manston and then it has my address read it what's your address

it has my address and then it says I've been watching you for some time I know you've been looking at some dirty websites and I've been screen recording your And if you didn't send $10,000 in Bitcoin to my Bitcoin wallet, I'm going to leak all those videos.

Do you think that's real? Oh my, oh my God, dude. What are we going to do? Dude, I've been on some fucked-off websites. Dude, do you want to run out of the country with me? Yeah, let's run out of the country. And when we do, should we, like, get closer as friends? Yeah.

I feel like you've been avoiding me a lot lately. Okay, we're going to do a phone. segment that like I'm really fucking excited for. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of something called a prank call. But we have heard of it. I've heard of so many things. And yeah, I've heard of so many things. Yeah, just a lot of things in general. I've heard of literally every type of fish. This is a segment where we're each going to choose someone and we're both going to prank call them and we're going to do prank calls and we're going to call people and prank them. Okay, this is a segment called prank calls. I got a headache from tasting my head too bad.

Dude, you go to Haig and I keep throwing up, that's so sick. What's so sick about it is our bodies are betraying us because of the way we treat them. Dude, it's so sick that our bodies are betraying us at such a young age. Dude, what I love about my body betraying me is when I crawl, I can only hear cracks from my bones. Oh, dude, when I am, when it is like three, four in the morning and I am late in the Taco Bell drive through and I'm just like counting the menu items that could send me to an early grave, I'm always thinking. I hope the branch is hearing some cracks when he crawls. Who are you going to get a prank call?

I'll go first. I'm going to pre-call someone who deserves it. I'm going to prank call someone I hate so much. I'm going to pre-call my one true nemesis on this earth. My mother. No. Who are you calling? I'm calling Angelica's new fucking, quote-unquote boyfriend,

this stupid cock motherfucker named Cliff. What a fucking cock? Yeah, I fucking hate that guy. In fact, on Thanksgiving, dude, I literally fucking challenged him to a duel, and I creamed his ass like I kicked his ass, dude, so hard in that duel, man. That's so cool.

I'm just like almost hurt to see like someone gets so humiliated in a duel but at the same time it's like he is asking for it and like at the same time like I am superior in like my fighting's prowess and my chivalry and I am better as a mate to be selected if you if you want a chivalrous honorable mate and will perfect okay I'm going to call him I would love if you defended my honor yeah I'm going to call him and I'm going to uh okay I've got a really good one I'm going to call him you have his number yeah man I went through Angelica's purse and I found his That's the best thing to do. In her pocket bag. Okay. Shh. Oh, hi.

Hi. Is this a guy? Is this a stupid motherfucker named Cliff? Okay. Fuck. Hi. This is the refrigerator. Is it a refrigerator running?

This is Mark from the SDD Clinic. This is Mark from the SDD Clinic. Oh, no. And, yeah, just want to let you know all your SDD results came back. Roasted. And they're all positive. And they're all positive.

You have all of them. Whoa, that's crazy. I can't believe it. Hey, Greber, I am at work. Can I call you a little bit later? I don't know what you're talking about, but this is not Greber. This is Mark from the SDD clinic.

And I... Hey, sorry, I'm just, I'm at work. it's funny joke I got it ha ha I got STDs but you remember last year at Thanksgiving you took my phone and you saved your number in my contacts as your worst nightmare

and you looked at me and said you'll be hearing from me so I have your number saved in my phone you kind of also call me a lot so dude he sounds really hot but oh oh okay well

um okay well um um well I think I think that like, you're like such a beta cock and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and also, like, dude, like, go through your notes. Go through your notes. Dude, like, you remind, dude, like, you remind me of King John of England, dude. Yeah. Like, because, like, you had the opportunity for the Irish throne, but then you blew it when you

mocked how the Irish chieftans modeled their hair. And then you probably murdered your nephew, Arthur of Brittany, and then you got excommunicated. That's, like, the type of idea you are. Brittany's a girl's name. That sounds, uh, really cool. Hey, are you going to be at Thanksgiving this year at Gwynethan Stan? Yeah, yeah, I'll see you.

Yeah, I'll be there. Okay, could we do like another like stick fighting thing? Remember how last year we did that stick fighting thing? That was pretty fun, right? I challenged you a duel and I creamed your ass. But like, but sure, yeah, if you want to reduce it to that, if you want to be diminutive, like, I can, I can, like, if you want to challenge me back to another duel,

like I can fucking fuck you up a second time if that's what you want, motherfucker. Yeah, I, uh, I think. that would be fun. Yeah, anyway, um... Well, well, well, I hope you're having so much fun with your, with your, with your, with your, with your, with your, with your, with your, with your, with your, impure girlfriend who's, who's, who's such a slot.

Okay. That's not nice, griver. Come on. You don't need to call this a slot. Well, it's true. She's your cousin. I'm scared. You guys are friends and, you, I don't think you need to, I don't think you need to do that.

Okay, bud. Okay. Well, so, okay. Well, okay, what do you do now? What do you do now? What do you do now? I just, hey, it's all right. It's okay.

It's all right. I just, I, you know, it was a funny joke, the SPD thing. I liked that. It was funny. Cliff, I feel like I really fucked this. Cliff, Cliff. Are you sure you know it's me? Yeah, yeah, I have your number saved on my phone.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. Okay, well, one more thing. Um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, I'm going to order 100 pizzas to your house and you have to pay for them. Okay. I don't do that. And I also think that I don't know that you can make me pay for a pizza. Oh, yeah.

I don't fucking know how things working. You've literally never even heard about how anything works. So have fun, being a slut and having a horrible friend. Okay. All right. I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Okay, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Okay, see you later.

Okay, goodbye. Bye-bye. Dude, he fucking got him. Dude, he fucking totally. Are you crying? You stick-fighted with him? Yeah, dude, I challenged him to a fucking duel. What are you talking about?

I thought that was our thing. No, dude, you and I stick-fight, like, for fun, like, we fight sticks. Like, he and I, like, I challenged him to a duel and I fucking beat his ass. I thought our thing was we beat each other's ass. Dude, no, I'm never going to, like, challenge you to a real duel, dude. Like, I would only do a pretend duel with you. Dude, dude, dude, branch. I don't want to talk about it.

Dude, what the fuck. I thought we. me we did the duel. Dude, literally, I'll do a pretend duel with you anytime. I don't know. You're a real duel because, like, you were my friend and, like, that would, like, literally be so dishonorable. Oh, oh, so you would definitely cream my ass?

Yeah, dude. So they do it. Dude, I'm the best. So, like, cream me. Dude, I have this crazy feeling you really want me to cream your ass. What do you mean? I am not going to cream your ass, man. I just feel like you've been really distant.

Dude. I don't know what's going to make you feel about it. Ever since I moved into my mother's attic and I, don't have any cell reception or a cell phone, I have noticed that you've been so distant. Oh, he's that way you're... You don't even throw pebbles at my window anymore because I do not have windows.

Dude, yeah, these are all you problems, man. But here, hey, hear me out, man. Why don't we prank call someone else? You get to pick this time. You get to pick this time, man. Everyone and the whole world could even be your mom, even your mom. You couldn't even be your mom. You could even let me prank call my mother?

Yeah. Yeah. Anything. Dude, for you, man. You would do anything for me? No. What? Okay. Okay, well, I'll feel really uncomfortable because I don't like viewing emotions with my eyes or hearing

them with my ears. Let's see if I can remember this number. Who are you going to prank call, man? Come on. Hey, cheer up. Let's go. Oh, I think you're going to pretty much love this prank call idea. Yeah.

Wait, let's get them. Yeah, let's get them. Let's fuck them. Let's get them. Let's fuck it. What is it? Who are you prank calling? They deserve it.

911, what's your emergency? I'll tell you. Hi. Hi, 911. I need help. Yes, are you injured? Yeah, in my brain. You have a brain injury.

Okay, can you give us your location? In your butt. Yeah, in my butt. You're injured in your butt and your brain? Okay, actually you're making it really hard right now. Just tell you not. Ask me one question at a time. I'm freaking out.

I'm so sorry Just give us your location We'll have someone In my In my butt Is there something wrong with your butt sir Yeah It's too big

It's too big Dude this fucking rips Excuse me We're just We'll send somebody over Excuse me Hello Excuse me

Do you know how I can Better handle my feelings Are you having a mental health crisis? Sometimes I get a little sad. Okay, we can send somebody over to you. Just send your location and we'll make sure to have someone come check on you. You can't because there's no door to the attic. You're in an attic?

So it's a crawl space. Tell them how good you are crawling. Sometimes I live in the crawl space. Tell them how good you are crawling. I'm really good at crawling. Is somebody with you? No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. Hey, wait. Hey, wait. Can we start over? Yeah, let's start over. Wait, can we start over? Yeah, start over. You can't start a 911 call over.

Yeah, start ever. Do you have a refrigerator? I don't know if that. Yes, I have a refrigerator. Should you get it? Should you get my refrigerator? Should you get it? I don't think I need to get my refrigerator. Well, what if you...

That's so good, dude. You should get it. You should get it. Okay, wait a second. Here's the thing. That's a classic setup, punchline. If I'm feeling a little upset, what do I do? Why are you looking at me when you say that?

If you're a little upset, we'll just send somebody over to you. I just need your location. Okay. So sometimes... What things are you feeling? Just stay on the lens. Sometimes I feel a little lonely or I'll feel like a little bit upset. Dude, I can't hear you.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not totally allowed to be myself. Dude, am I like not in this conversation? Why do you feel that way? Sometimes I feel like I'm not totally allowed to, like, be myself who I am. Why do you feel that way? I don't know. I just think it might be a societal thing. Why are you looking at me and whispering?

You're like looking at me and whispering into a phone, like you're trying to start beef, like you're trying to get me to cream your ass. I think it's like a societal thing. Are you sure somebody's not with you? Are you in danger? No, that's just the TV. That's the TV? Yeah.

Oh, here's the news. Number one report on the news is that, like, men are like so much stronger. Did you hear that? I heard that men are stronger on the TV. Is that what it said? Yeah. Okay, wait. I have a question.

Can I start over? If you need us to say, give us your location, and we can say somebody. I think I'm in my butt. Oh, yeah, that's really good. You think you are in your own butt? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This doesn't seem like a serious call.

I don't know, man. I don't know. I think I'm in my butt. If you're having some sort of mental health crisis, we can send somebody. Wait, wait. Wait, I've gone. it. Yeah. Where's your...

I hung up. Did you do, do you got it! I got it! We got it, like, literally we didn't even high-five at all. Are you okay? You look really devastated, bro. I'm fine. This was like a traumatic segment for you. It was really hard for me. Sometimes I just feel like you don't listen.

I feel like every problem you have, you like direct towards me. Oh, yeah? Well, it's because you're the cost of every problem I have. Oh, okay. Well, maybe it's because you're the cost of every problem I have. Oh, okay. Well, maybe. Well, then maybe why don't we just fucking dual for real then? Well, then why don't we fight? Yeah. That's what I'm literally just fucking said.

Why don't we duel for real? Yeah, why don't we fucking do it for real. Okay, fine, this Thursday. After school. Neither of us go to school. But we have to wait until after school because obviously we have to do it at the school. After school hours, I'm going to cream your ass. After school hours, I'm literally got fucked.

Yeah. Oh, oh. On the bleachers you got lost in? Yeah. On the bleachers you got lost in for over a year? Yeah. That means that I know them really well. That means you're going to get lost yet.

Yeah. Just watch me. I'm going to get your ass. I'm going to literally sham my whole wooden sword up your ass. I'm going to get your ass. I'm going to get my ass. Okay, so that was that segment. That was that segment.

You know what I've always said about you? What do you always say about me? You're just like, you're such. She's like intellectual and superior. Yeah, but you're also just like so sweet. And I do feel like Angelica doesn't like appreciate that or know that about you. And like I feel like this new guy at Cliff is like bad for her. Yeah.

Because the thing it sounds like is that he has been like kind of giving her big ego. Like, sounds like he's kind of like boosting her up when somebody should be tearing her down. Yeah, like, the, the thing about love that makes it say magical is that it is about a man proving his chivalry and prowess and worth, regardless of his blood, and about a woman being silent, silent, deadly, like a fart. And then him finding like a beautiful woman to just like bring down. Yeah. Yeah. That's like what it is. So like she sacrifices for him and not his love. Yeah. That's so beautiful. I, so like, because my new room doesn't really have any like windows or doors. I've been like having a lot of fun playing Dr. Strange up there alone. That's cool, dude. So it'll be like really

dark and I'll be like, okay, I'm going to play Dr. Strange this round and then my other self in the multiverse is going to play another multiverse version of Dr. Strange. But apparently I've been really loud because someone called child protective services and thought maybe that I was a child in danger in the attic. Was Dr. Strange in danger when you were playing? Yeah, because I kept screaming, oh my God! Oh my God! So child protective services was called. But like I was just playing Dr. Stranges in trouble and somebody needs to help him. Yeah, that's a classic game you play. And basically, I'm pretty sure one of my like neighbors is fucking good. in love with me.

Because who else would call child protective services if they weren't worried about my well-being? So I'm pretty sure there's a secret admirer in my neighborhood. Well, that's pretty cool because, like, I don't know, like, this new world is, like, so fucked in terms of dating just because, like, things are not the way they are supposed to be either biologically or society. The good news is that soon they will be the way they are supposed to be because Elon Musk is in charge of the government now. Yeah, Elon Musk is president now.

now that Elon Musk has been given his rightful place in the government, we might be able to actually get things back to where they should be. Wow. Oh, yeah. Wow. Like the thing about women that I hate the most is that they don't understand how nice I am. Yeah. The problem that you and I probably have with women is that like we are too nice.

Yeah, we are way too nice. Because if I ever had known a woman or had met a woman, I would have been way too nice to her. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, too nice, like, everyone and I, like, meet because I'm chivalrous and because I am a gentleman, because I am, like, not of my time. But it is not getting us the pussy we deserve. No, we deserve so much pussy for how nice we are. Yeah.

And so kind of, I'm kind of like, maybe we need to change our tune a bit. Yeah, actually, if you want, puss, turns out, it can't be nice, can't be like us. This is the segment called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Music. Oh, you fuck up your head again? You deserve my head so much. Don't do it next time then. Don't do that.

I'm just, like, so used to keeping my head. underneath my shoulder blades for the crawl space, that when I have it perched above my shoulder blades, I freak out my body is morphing into another body. It is evolution. It is survival of the fittest. Dude, that's fucking crazy. One day in the multiverse, we're all going to be in a different universe where none of us have heads above our shoulders. And that's what they don't want you to know. That's great to know, dude. That's fucking awesome. So here's the thing for this segment. We're going to go through some situations where we're going to explain to you like what a nice guy would do, something we would have done before when we were nice guys.

Yeah. And then now what we would do instead to win. To win. To win instead of just being nice and losing because nice guys finish last, huh? Nice guys finish last. And the jokes on them because I don't finish at all. I can't finish. My foreskin's way too long.

It's so long I can't finish. Just keep going and going and going. What the fuck do you? Okay, so this is no more. Mr. Nice guy. Okay, okay. So the first situation. First situation.

Hit me with it. Okay. Holding a door for a woman at a cafe. Wow. Okay. Perfect. So in a normal situation, if you were a nice guy like us.

You would walk into a cafe. You'd see a woman walking out. And you would hold the door. A beautiful woman. Beautiful woman. Her hair is long. You notice right away that hurt small waist and large breasts. And you notice how much milk could be developed.

Right. And her breathing hips. And you open the door for her. so that she notices you, you tip your hat, you say, G'dameadame, my lady. And then you follow her to the cash register and enter her car. And you ask her for a couple bucks. She would like to go on a date with a gentleman as yourself.

But that doesn't get you anywhere. No. So instead. Too nice. Too nice. So instead, what you have to do is, okay, if a woman enters a cafe, you're inside the cafe. Do you just open the door for her? Yeah. But slam it on her. Slam it on her butt. And say, I've seen one of those with no clothes on. And then, and then, and then pull out a fucking knife and

threaten people in the cafe. Whoa, that's so good because then she'll be like, she'll be like, that's a manly man. That's a manly man. That's a masculine man. And I can recognize that evolution, like, the evolution is like, I'm the girl and you're the guy and you need to hunt and I need to gather. Yeah. I'm like, I would like personally pull out like a samurai sword and show her that same right sword, but also in a way that made it seem like maybe I wasn't that nice. Like maybe I was going to hurt everyone,

maybe I was not, maybe I was just showing off my sword. I don't know, but keep them guessing. Yeah, something I would probably do is go somewhere into the multiverse, go into another universe where I've met her before and say like, hey, I remember you, Jennifer. Oh, shit, that would blow her fucking mind.

That would blow her fucking mind. And a nice guy would never do that. Nice guy would never do that because he doesn't have access to the multiverse the way I do. Yeah. Okay, here's another situation. Uh-huh. A woman in front of you drops her wallet.

I have no idea what you just said. A woman in front of you drops her wallet. Okay. And normally as a nice guy, I would pick up her wallet, but not tell her, follow her for a couple of blocks while going through, just looking at her information to make sure she, that I knew, like, what she was in, what she liked, her age, her weight. Yeah, I would definitely go look at her age and her weight and then probably look at her ID to make sure that I know her address, her age and her weight. Yeah, and sometimes that address isn't updated. Sometimes it's a P-O-box. Yeah, sometimes it's a fucking P-O box.

And so when you mentally record all of that information with your photographic memory, like the one that I have. Or like me, and you write it down with crayon? Yeah, and yeah, then you follow her, you give her the wallet, you say, hey, this is your wallet. And then, of course, when she goes home, you don't need to see anything else because you have already left your number and a slip of paper in her wallet. With a love note and a poem and a letterer.

No more Mr. Nice guy. No more, Mr. Nikesko. That's what I would have done if I was nice. But I don't anymore. No. Now what I do is if a woman drops her wallet, I pick it up, I freaking chuck it at her. Yeah, except if I take all her cards out first for me. I take out her cards.

I check it at her. I chuck the wallet. I keep the cards. And then I say, what kind of wallet is this? Your wallet sucks. You don't have any of the money I have. All of my money is so cool. Then I take out all my money and flash it at her.

She'll say, oh my God, this is Fisher Price Dollars. Play pretend. money. I say you would say that, skank. You would say that. You got her. You stupid steak. Oh, you got her. You stupid steak. You got her. And then she probably would like call the police officers or child protective services and I would be like, hey guys, sorry about this again. No, please just let me go back. Just let me go back home. If you could give me a ride or I could take my scooter back either way. That's what you do. Next one. Okay, go ahead. Here's one. Yeah. So have you ever had a job?

Well, like, it depends on what you mean by a job because if you mean by... Have you ever made money? Well, if it depends what you mean my money, because if you mean like, do I ever think of great ideas that could make so much money? Of course, all the time. But like, has anyone ever paid you for the, I guess? My father pays me all the time for, um, for my allowance. So that's not like a job, though, I don't think. Well, I do a lot for my allowance.

Like a... What do you do? I, like, do my, um... Jumping jacks? I do podcast shit in the basement. For your allowance? No. No.

Those are just two separate things. Yeah. So you get money, but also you do podcast in the basement. Yeah. Yeah, why? Why are you fucking grilling me? Because I was going to ask you what you would do if a girl is your coworker and wants to vent to you. Oh, shit.

So picture you have a coworker? Oh, my God. So can you picture, like, a job? Okay, hold on. Give me like 30 seconds. Okay. Okay. I, okay, I got there faster.

It's kind of hard for me because not only have I not had a job, I have not met a girl. So it is two things. Right. It's two completely imaginary scenarios for you. Okay, well, let's just say we're working in a job at an office and one of our female co-workers is complaining to us about her boyfriend, who's a total child. Yeah, what would you do? Well, nice guy.

He was a normal nice guy, normally, yeah. Nice guy, me, I would be like, break up with your boyfriend and make him kiss with me. But instead, no, we're not nice. we wouldn't do normal nice things. Well, yeah, I would probably invade her brain and use her as my puppet. What do you mean invade her brain? Just with my dark tactics. Okay, but what do you mean by that?

I would probably just use my dark tactics to invade her brain. Like a super villain? Wally off, I'm not being Mr. Nice Guy. That's true. If you're not being Mr. Nice Guy, you're probably like, I could probably use my dark tactics to invade her brain and convince her that she needs me. Oh, whoa. I didn't realize you could do that.

But I didn't do that ever because I choose not to. Whoa, you can hypnotize people or something? Yeah. Like, I have a lot of, like, dark tactics. What? Okay, but you keep referencing these dark tactics, and I'm kind of, like, what are they, though? Like, they're pretty much my big secrets. No, I get that, but, like, what are they?

what are your dark tactics? Because you have mentioned it several times. I have many a dark tactic. But what are they? They're all, like, they are all tactics one could use to impregnate someone else's mind with thoughts of your own, make you think that they are their own thoughts.

Oh, so like manipulation? Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Like, dude, I, like, I'm on so many male, like, like, manipulation, like, dark psychology. subredits. That's so cool.

Did you love that we're bouncing right now? Dude, what I like about bouncing on the couch is it makes me feel like I'm J.D. Vance, who is my idol right now. Oh, dude, yeah, you fucking love. Fucking love J.D. Vance because he is wearing his eyeliner and fucking the couch. Those are two things I wish I could do, except I can't because there's no couch in my attic. The closest thing I can do is crawl on the floor and pretend to be a bug. And it sucks because there's no couch.

Well, did you ever, like, hump the floor? Yeah, but sometimes I hump the floor, but sometimes I hump the floor, The problem is there's a lot of dust. So it does go in my pee-p-hole. Oh, shit, dude. And your foreskin's like eight feet long. Dude, my foreskin is so long. Dude, I will still never forgive my father.

Honestly, that's what my allowance is for. My allowance is the repayment for the foreskin my father took away from me when I was a baby without me asking. Dude, that's so unfair. Yeah, it is literally unfair. Okay, so, yeah. So with me, my foreskin, the reason I have it is because when I went to my bris, the rabbi got really scared. because he was like, that's a lot of foreskin.

He was like, I don't want to have to deal with that. That's like a lot. My mommy was like, that's just a masculine child I produced. And I was like, where, where, leave it be. So let me have it. And to this day, my foreskin is a hose that gets dust and garbage caught in it. As I crawl through my attic's cross through. Dude, do you wear underwear when you crawl?

Dude, I can't fit underwear over my foreskin. What the fuck? Dude, I never do this about you. That's fucking crazy. You don't know this because you don't ask. Well, yeah, dude, I would never fucking ask. Can you wear underwear with your foreskin, not? I'm actually getting really tired of you not asking me about my day.

I ask you about your day every day. Dude, you're like the most annoying wife in any animated show. Shut up. Do you dare see that to me? unless you're going to see it into my face. I literally... Do you want me to cream your ass? I'm just, like, so upset with you, like...

Do you want me to cream your ass? Like, do you want me to give you one of my many wooden swords, and I take another wooden sword, and they can even be the same level of sword? Like, even if, like, we get the same sword, and I still will cream your ass. I think we should go to counseling.

I think we should go counseling. College counselor. Let's move on. This is so... It's, like, so frustrating. with you. I feel like I'm always running into this wall. I literally like never fucking listen to what you say, so I don't know what you mean. I know. I know. I can tell. Okay, so here's another no more nice guy. Oh, shit. Okay, what if a woman cuts you off in traffic? Oh, killer. I mean,

that's what you would do if you were the nice guy or what? I literally didn't even know I said that until I heard myself say it. Sometimes, sometimes I'll say things and then not realize they came out of my vile mouth. And then usually I'll be reprimanded by mother, but these days she doesn't even know I'm there because I'm so hushed. Dude, you and your parents are so fucking different than me and my parents. Like, your mother locks you into the attic. I lock myself into my room. Yeah. No, that is actually like one of the huge differences between you and me. Yeah. Like, we really are different that way. Yeah. And it's like one of our, what's so crazy about us being friends. Yeah. That is, like, it's actually so crazy we can be friends despite that.

Yeah, that's so crazy. Have I told you about my mercury poisoning? Dude, no. I've had so much mercury poisoning these days. Dude, what the fuck? Why? Because I was on an all swordfish diet. I remember that.

A lot of mercury poisoning. You got long mercury poisoning. Long mercury poisoning. It did a bunch of brain damage on my little brain. But I went into the hospital and they did a big X-ray on me and they said, actually, you're before pictures and after pictures after the brain damage actually looks pretty much the same. Oh, did you get any superpowers? though.

Yeah. Because like mercury is a chemical. Yeah. So one of the superpowers I got is that I don't remember as much anymore. Oh dude, that's actually really fucking cool. It's fucking awesome and it's sick. Not fucking sick. Because I can like blame things on others.

So what else? If a woman caught me off in traffic, normally I would follow her. Yeah. So I would follow her home. Is her protector. Yeah. Well, you're a protector of women. Even if they don't want it.

Even if they don't understand it. just like Mr. Trump says. Yeah, just like Elon's best friend said. Elon's best buddy. They're never going to break up. They're literally never going to break up. They're never going to break up. They're never going to have a huge fight and break off.

They will never have a huge fight because the thing about them that I love is that they are both totally fine. Oh yeah. They're both fine and they're both literally so great. And in fact, they will never have a conflict and they will never just like absolutely blow up on each other. Because both of their emotions are really regulated. They are both normal men with regulated emotions. Oh, I love. Okay, now here's a segment called Crushing Our Bruskees.

Yeah, I was waiting for that one. I have a doctor's note that said I had to drink my brusky slow. I have a weird question. Why do you always never crush your brusky when I crush my brusky? I don't. I feel peer pressured. And I've been really hesitant to say how I feel. And I feel like sometimes I can't tell you how I actually feel around you.

Sorry, dude. I was on Reddit. What did you say? yeah I was just checking the pale girls Reddit thread the pale girls Reddit thread Wait what's the pale girls Reddit thread

Dude dude it's all the hottest palest chicks The hottest palest chicks Yeah dude you know the pale girls Reddit thread But do we Wait what? Do you love a pale girl because you can see her insides Because she is so trans-flucid? Yeah

Yeah Yeah, duh Okay That's fucking awesome What do I like Not girls I like sports. Except for girl sports.

I found this fucking awesome sport at the park the other day that I really want to let our viewers in on. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay, you guys, it's fucking awesome. It's like, it's going to be the newest. Like, this is going to be like the next rugby. This is going to be the next jousting. It's called fetch.

And it's like, you get like a smaller kind of competitor to run after some sort of like disc or. ball and then they bring it back to like a loyal subservient person like a like a what a woman could be if I knew one. Yeah, did. So it's called fetch. I'm telling you it's going to take the nation by storm. I'm already betting on it.

I have the craziest question, dude. Yeah. When you saw that, was both people, people. It was Labradoodle. Yeah. Yeah. You guys, I'm so sorry if today has been such a sausage fast. I know, sorry.

Sorry. Oh. But buckle up. because we aren't going to go anywhere like, we're going to come and like take over this podcast every now again. Back. And I'm like so fucking stoked about it. Freaking.

Until this, next time. That freaking. Freaking. I've been Grever. I've been Branch. And fucking. And fucking.

I've been Grever still. And I've mostly been Grever. And this has been Grosch and Grever talk shit. And thank you guys for coming. And we'll see you guys later. We'll see you guys later. Okay. Bye.

Woo!