Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - Exposing Our DMs (w/ Kylie Brakeman)

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

We talk to Kylie Brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) about all of the DMs we've received in the past. From marriage proposals to death threats, we get it all. Plus, find out which of us are on WikiFeet! Listen here or watch on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/SydOliviaTube Follow the podcast on social media! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sydandolivia TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sydandoliviatalkshit Twitter: https://twitter.com/sydandolivia About Pierced: Pierced is the first creator-led podcast network that’s making podcasts for the girlies. We’re tired of every man on the face of the planet having a podcast and decided it’s time for a new era of podcasting - it’s time to give the girls the mic 🎤 Pierced podcasts features all your fav content creators in a new light. We collaborate with creators to produce podcasts that speak to the complex and unique experiences of the girls and young women of today – the podcasts we wish existed when we were younger. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Olivia, and this is Sid and Olivia Talk Shit. Welcome back to Sid and Olivia Talk Shit. If you guys are listening on Spotify, hell yeah. Hi, thank you. Or come check us out on YouTube where it's going to be a visual filmed version. You can see sweaties. You can see our sweat. You can see some animation.

You can see our beautiful guest for today. We have a beautiful guest for today. The one and only sketch comedian from your favorite internet and mine. Does that make sense? Yeah, the one and only internet is everybody's favorite. The one and only internet. she's very, very funny. She's a genius person and we love her dearly.

We've known her for years. She's absolutely lovely. We have Kylie Breakman here. Yeah. At Dead Eye Breakman on Twitter. At Dead Eye Breakman. That was so, that was such a lovely intro. I was just sitting looking directly at the camera and nodding.

Yeah. I'm like, yes. Yes. Yes are what I am. I am lovely. And I'm very funny. I love it so much. We have Kylie here today to talk about something.

that Kylie specifically, I feel like, deals with. Yeah, I feel like you're an expert at this. Yes, yes. This is going to be a really big, fun, stranger danger episode. Yeah, this episode is all about the stranger danger you can get into. About internet stranger danger. Yeah, the dangers of the internet stranger. Yeah. Kylie, do you have a stalker?

Just get right into it. Not that I know, okay, well, not that I know of. I have gotten, like, sort of like mild death threats that aren't, like, that for you. Like, I will, I'll look at the, I'll look into the details and I'm like, they don't mean it. Yeah. And that's an important distinction like to make. That's really level-headed of you. Yeah. I think that's really good. Yeah. Any, any other stocker things I have is that someone once purchased a cameo from me, uh, to deliver their stalker's message or no, the stalker used me as a vessel to deliver a message. So in a way, I'm the stalker. You were a pawn

in their scheme. You were the puppet of this stalker. I was vice stalker. Yes, I was vice assistant principal stalker. Like, what do you have to be going through to do that? To me, it's just kind of insane that there are people who really actively pray for, like, the death of another person. That they've never met. Never met them. Yeah, that's always a shocker for me. Insane.

Yeah. Yeah. People are crazy. So we're going to be talking a lot about that today. Yeah. I'm sure you, the listener, have probably received a direct message once or twice on any sort of platform. that you're on. Kylie, you get a lot of DMs? I get a lot of DMs. I'm sure you guys get a lot of DMs. I was looking through. We get some DMs. You get some DMs. I feel like the genres of our

DMs I'm so curious about. I'm so curious to see yours because I feel like they're like, they're sort of the same. Yeah. But I feel like you guys get more freaks. It's, you know what? I always wonder, I wonder like, what are everyone else's? Everybody has a slightly different type of person that subtly threatens them from the depths of the internet. And we're going to do a segment where we expose our DMs. Yeah, this is exposing our DMs with Kylie Brakeman. And we have printed out photos of some of, some, some, some, uh, some, uh, lovely DMs. So once again, if you're on Spotify, get that heck over here.

Get the fuck over here to YouTube. So you can see these DMs and all of their typos. Fucking DMs. I'm just injecting the curse. I love her. That's what I do. Yeah. Okay.

Well, do you guys want to go? We should go one at a time, right? I know Kylie has the most because she's the special guest. We should start with our special guest, Kylie Brickman. Do you want to share with us one of your DMs you've received and what platform it was on? Yes. So the majority of my DMs are through Twitter because that's where I have the most followers. And so I get, I guess the genre of my DMs will very wildly between like people who are

just incomprehensibly stringing sentences together. Yes. And then sort of like these weird, almost like media adjacent people who are like using very like elaborate terms to like kind of vaguely hit on me where they're like, I respect your comedy and your intelligence. They're trying to trick you. Yeah. They're trying to trick me.

You've got tricksters in your DMs. Because those guys are not any different from the people who are saying, please give me sex now. They're using a different tactic. It's the same. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. So this first one is, I'm going to start with the scariest one. I love that. I absolutely love that. So I, the first time I went viral, it was for a video where I titled, like, why I won't wear a mask. And it was just me making fun of people who don't wear masks. And I was like, I don't wear it because of this, whatever.

There's spiders in my mask. Whatever it is. Obviously satire. Yes. It was very clearly a joke and very. clearly written in a way that like no human person would think that I was serious about it. But a lot of people who are mask lovers were really in my DMs and really, really, really upset with me.

And this man-mask lovers like yourself. Yes, mask lovers like myself. Wow. I feel like I should clarify for the people who can't see me and see how obviously mask-loving I appear. She's wearing a pink blazer and glittery eye shadow. Yeah, we've got a mask lover over here. We've got a mask lover.

We've got three mask-loving girls here. I could look. I say that. I could look very Republican. Not at all. Not at all. Okay, fantastic. Yeah, I can do look very mask-loving.

Your beautiful earrings, shape of moon. Yeah, they wouldn't wear this. No. They wouldn't wear this. But so this person, mask lover, said, wear that mask, or are you going to die in one week by my own hand? Because people like you are useless and deserve to die.

Smiley face. Not the smiley emoji, colon, parentheses. Very important distinction. Scary. Yeah. And then he sent a picture of a voodoo doll with a knife in the middle of it. And then he said, don't try me, smiley face. Well, he really was trying to overcorrect with those smiley faces.

Yeah, there's two messages going on here at the same time. One of them is a smiley face. One of them says, hi. And the other says, I'm going to kill you. Direct death threat filled with smiley faces is a great place to start. Does the voodoo doll have any bear any resemblance to you? No. No, I think it's just a stock photo of a voodoo doll.

Unless he has it. I know, I mean, this is pretty homemade. That looks like he has it. It looks like he has it. There's also an egg next to it. Oh. Which I just noticed. That means it was the morning time.

There's an egg. Yes, hard boiled egg breakfast. Hard boiled egg. Oh, next to your voodoo doll. Making an egg. Well, that's, I mean, I would rate that. I don't know. I'm going to give that.

11 out of 10. All right, nice. It's scary, but I did look it up. He lives far, far away. I don't remember. That's good. And he has no ability to understand sarcasm. And he can travel, definitely. So we should absolutely. That's true. He can always get on a plane.

If you're that guy, go home. Go home. All right. Said, do you want to go next? Sure. I have received some DMs of nice and mean. And today I'm going to be sharing an example of one kind of DM I get and then another kind of DM I get right after the other. So the first one takes up a whole page, all separate messages.

It says, if there's anything sweet on this earth, space, exclamation mark, it would be you. Next message. There's a lot of pretty people on this earth for sure, next message. But I never felt that I mean looking at your smile. space exclamation mark exclamation mark right after I start thinking how am going to be if that smile was mine next message

imagine that exclamation mark sorry space exclamation mark got to keep that space in it yes it's like every exclamation mark is after a space it's a specific type of person waking up every morning space exclamation mark looking at this smile space exclamation mark exclamation mark.

That gonna make Madea a great one for sure because starting with the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, space exclamation mark. What I can ask more than that. Next message. Follow up. Yeah, follow up. Before every night, space exclamation mark.

Before you sleep, space exclamation mark. You're gonna sleep watching that smile and then a crying emoticon, space. Lass and crying or sobbing? No, it's colon apostrophe, open parenthesis, or sorry, that's a closed parenthesis. Colen apostrophe, close parentheses, space, exclamation mark. Smiling crying or sad crying? Smiling crying.

That's worse. Now, I get that. And then I got this the same day from a different person. From a different person. Your Snapchat show is so funny and your friend is so hot. L.L. No offense, though. No offense, though.

It was a bad message. offended. I'm offended too. Now here's the thing. It is such a confusing thing to have messages write over each other in your inbox and have them be those. The most beautiful girl whoever did sleep. And then the next one is like, ha ha, friend hot, you fucking suck. It's wild. My favorite thing about the first one is like in the very first sentence, it was like, it was, if there's ever someone beautiful, it would be you. It would be you. But they did not say it is. No.

Because there's no one beautiful. Hypothetically, if someone were to be beautiful, it would be you. No one's beautiful. No one on this earth is beautiful, but if someone was, it would be said. Well, I'll take that. It's a riddle. Yeah. I love that.

Okay, here's my favorite DM I've ever gotten. All right, this guy wrote me, and I did not respond, but there were a bunch of different messages. He wrote, hey, I have an interesting proposition for you. Oh. Would you be down to kick slash Mimi in the Balls? Yeah. I have always wanted to be kicked where it hurts by a girl like you. Smiley face.

And this is an emoticon blushing smiley face. Okay. Okay. Then an hour and a half later, he said, I'll pay you if needed, L.O.L. And then a day later said, a friend can come join us if you want. You can take turns kicking me L.O.L. Oh. So, and you did not invite me, why?

Yeah, I did not, I did not say yes to this. Okay. I felt too guilty to do that. If someone else, if he's sexually into that or any way into that, I love that for him. I don't want to be involved in it because I wouldn't want to kick someone in the balls. Right, but that's what he meant by a girl like you. A girl like you. He said, he said, I've always wanted to be kicked in the balls like a girl by a girl like you, meaning a girl who didn't want to do it.

A girl who doesn't consent to kicking me in the ball. And that's an interesting request. Yeah, it's my, it's definitely the most, I don't know, my brain spiraled and I was like, oh my God, this guy must be a men and his troll trying to see if I'll agree to it so that he can kill me when we meet up. But that's, I think that's just me having anxiety. This guy just wants him, wants his nutsack to get. Yeah.

No, this is a, and this is a very specific genre of DM that I realize I get all the time, which is a, like, what if hypothetically we were in a room to. together and you were a little small and I was a little big, ha ha, fun to imagine. Like, it's like they present these as sort of like thought experiments. As like, what if this were to be? You were a little small and I was a little big. Now, Kylie, your dynamic that you just described is totally different

because in your dynamic, you are small and he is big. No, but he wants to be very small. Oh, he wants to be small. No, yours wants to be small. Olivia's dynamic, this man is very small. I will also share that in cameo. Oh. Oh my God, first off, I have to say this before I forget it.

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See golden nugget casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. One of my favorite DMs from strangers that I couldn't even, we're just going to, we're going to show all the artwork, but there's a guy who DMs us on Cameo. And you have to, you could DM us for free. You can DM people for free on other places, but on Cameo, you have to pay a couple bucks to DM. So he consistently is paying us. He instead.

us comic strips about us punishing him punishing him and trapping him in a bird cage and keeping his tiny figure in a bird cage is everyone clothed everyone is silhouettes everyone is silhouettes oh then they're naked then it's naked no they have dressed silhouettes it's like oh okay but it is wild because it's all like color blocked and it'll be like all pink all blue all green there's dialogue that we're all saying and it's not spelled well he speaks he speaks right right right okay so here's the thing okay he speaks Spanish, he doesn't speak English. He will DM us in Spanish and I'll respond in Spanish. And then he'll send the artwork in English, but he's like practicing his English. So it's not totally correct, but it makes it better. It does make it better. Because it's wild. It's the whole thing

is just. It will be like, it'll be like he, I think his name is Jorge and it'll be like, very nice guy. Very nice guy. I mean, he means well. Yeah. And he'll be like, he just loves to be a small bird in a shoe box? It'll be like him, the first picture will be him being like, oh no, sit and Olivia. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. I have done wrong. And then it'll be like Olivia says, ha ha, Jorge, I don't think so. And it says, time to kick you and put the bird cage in you. Right, Olivia? And then like, and then Olivia will go, uh-huh. And then the next frame, I'm like, I'm so glad we have a slave like Jorge. And then Jorge will be small in a bird cage and we'll both go, now back to happy. Or like something insane. It's something like that.

like that. And this is not indicative of how we would spend an afternoon with someone. No, I would not do these things. I've never heard of you guys doing that one once. No, I've never even. I've never even. We've known you for years. Yes, I've gone you for a long time. And it's never ever come up. Yeah. No one's ever been like, hey, the thing about those two girls, they'll put you in a bird cage and use the word slave. Yeah. Nobody asks me about that. When I say I know you, nobody says, oh, the bird cage. Yeah. Yeah. They don't say that. Yeah. So there's the proof that we've never. done it.

I'm insane. But Kylie, you have cameo too, and I'm sure people ask you to do really odd things. I do have cameo. Sometimes it is, again, most people are very normal. Yeah. I get a lot of very sweet people on cameo. Most of my weirdos are not on cameo, but there are occasionally some people who, it is, again, the like, ha-ha, what-if hypothetical of like, what if you put a little

shampoo in your hand? And I told me, it wasn't that exactly. And then put it nowhere. It's just like these really, really specific kinks that like it's like, and that's great. And I love that I love that for you. I love that you found that about yourself and I love that that's like a healthy outlet for you. You just can't trick me into doing it. Because they seem, they, it's something that seems so non-sexual.

But you know. But it has to be deeply sexual. Exactly. Why am I holding shampoo in my hand? Why am I doing that in front of the camera? Because it has to be some sort of. ejaculation kind of thing. Yeah. It has to be some sort of jizz causer in some way. Yeah, that's amazing. So yeah, at any point you can share your next DM, which I want to. Okay, we're going to need another

DM from you. Great. I'll get a DM. Um, okay, this one is, this is going to make it sound like all of my DMs are threats, which they're not. I don't believe you. Well, we can, we can see. So this, this is a little vague. This is from someone named Jason. Jason, if you're watching. Shout out to Jason. This is your moment. So June 23rd, 2021 at 156 a.m. He sends me a message. That's perfect time. He says, is everything all right? What does that mean? I don't know. And then he followed it up at 10 p.m., which this must be just like a time zone glitch at Twitter because it's the same day. Or maybe he lives in an alternate reality. Maybe he came from the future.

Maybe he's from the multiverse. That's actually, oh wait, no. I just remembered how time works. You can have a 1 a.m. and then 10 p.m. comes later. Oh, yeah, yeah. Perfect. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just waited a while.

He just waited a while. He just waited a while. And then he said, okay, so the first one is, is everything all right? The second one was, you are an interesting person, and I look forward to meeting you. Dang. Horrifying. Dang. Jason.

I think. What fuck are you talking about? I think Jason's met you, but I don't think you've met Jason. Yeah. Can I venture to say maybe Jason's met all of us? Oh, no. I think he's been in some bushes or some cars. I don't know.

That's amazing, Jason. Well, he, I don't know if I've met him. Well, shout out to you, Jason. Jason, never tell me if you've met me. I don't want to know. Jason, don't touch our friend, Kylie. Okay. Now, here I'm going to switch it up a little bit.

Yeah. I also will occasionally get a good message on the good old Fache book, Facebook. I never check it, but when I do, I'll always go into my message request folder, because usually there are some gems. It's important. I received a message recently from somebody named Michael Bad Company. Okay. I don't feel like Bad Company is their real last name.

On April 29, 2020 at 11.53 a.m., they just sent me a thumbs up. I was like, all right, Michael Bad Company. then on May 1st, 2020, 3.36 p.m., they said, loser. And that's all I got. Those are different messages. It's mixed messages. Oh, my God, it's Facebook. I didn't even catch the Facebook.

I think the theme of all of my DMs are a lot of mixed messages. Yeah, you just have people polarizing. You're very polarizing. Because I also get, like, I've gotten messages from people saying very anti-Semitic comments. word made because I'm Jewish. Yeah, well that makes sense. There's a lot of anti-Semites out there. There are a lot of anti-Semites out of there.

And I've had people message me things that are super anti-Semitic. And then I'll respond saying, hey, that's actually really anti-Semitic. And then they'll say, you're so hot for a Jew or something like that. Can't do that. There are so many mixed messages here. Can't, can't do that. Yeah, I've been getting, I get a lot of blatant anti-Semitism. Yeah, that's, I'm so sorry.

That sucks ass. Honestly, I'm white. And so I feel like it's, I really. really am not getting a big chunk of what most people are getting. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's still so weird. It's so fucking weird. This message is very much that thing where men will send an initial positive message. Yeah. And then very quickly with no response, it's a negative. Yes. And this was probably the simplest version of this you'll ever find. It is, this is like a class. A platonic. Like you can teach this in a class. That's like a textbook version. It's very scientific. It almost doesn't seem real because it's so,

like black and white because a lot of times it will be like do you want to go out for a nice night and we'll crack open a bottle of wine I'm a nice guy and then a couple months later it'll be whore yeah that's like the standard but this is just boiled down to its very essence of that's beautiful loser loser loser I appreciate it I appreciate people who get right to the point it's succinct loser yeah Olivia okay yeah all right this is a good one once again from Facebook Messenger Now, this screenshot starts in the middle of a conversation because this person had friended me and asked how I was. And I actually didn't, I thought they were someone else. I thought they were someone who was like in the film department at UCLA.

And so I think I wrote back like, oh, I'm good. How are you? And then, so okay, so then they write back, I'm fine to. What do you do? And then I was like, what? And then I looked at their profile and I was like, oh, I actually don't know this person. I've accidentally engaged in a conversation with a stranger. So then he writes back and he goes, why do you not speak?

And I said, all right, well, here's my out. Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a person in my film program. I just realized I don't know you, ha ha. That's fair. And then he responds with, are you mad, capital M? Okay. And I said, no, don't worry about it.

And then he says, believe me, I am not worried. No problem. And then half an hour later writes back, you're a coward. An exclamation point. Olivia, have you ever considered me? Maybe I'm a coward. Yeah. So that guy pretty much summed me up right there.

Oh, my God. Love him. Love him. Yeah. I love that he said, oh, believe me. not worried. I'm not worried. But you're a coward. You're insane. You won't pass up to the truth of responding once. Pretty coward move to not talk to someone you have no interest in talking to.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Kylie, you got another good one? Yeah, let me see. This is just a business offer. I'll put that down. I got asked to do a collab with a foot fetish website and I did it like for sponsored content and I brought it on myself because I made it. a video where I was like making fun of men's DMs and I was like hurrah, feet, feet, feet, feet, feet. And so, you know, I got a business opportunity. Right. And I declined. But, uh, that's basically that. Are you on Wiki feet? I am on Wiki feet. I'm unfortunately on Wiki feet. I'm not. I never, I never show my feet in photos. Yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I'm smart. Because they dig up, like, I didn't think that I had any feet picks. I have so many, apparently. Apparently, I have a lot. It's usually

anytime you're at the beach. Yeah, or anytime you're just, I wear sandals a lot. I guess there was one sketch where my feet were sort of in the corner of one from like five years ago. And they were like, there it is. Found it. They are prolific. Oh, wiki feet. You guys are good. You guys should get on some investigative.

Yeah, you guys should do something better with that. You'll never find my feet. You'll never, ever, ever fucking find my feet. I swear to fuck you'll never find my feet. Okay, continue, Kylie. Of course. Okay, so this, um, uh, so this is a DM from someone named James. Um, it says, hi, but H space, space, I, space, space, period.

Great. Um, rose emoji, rose emoji, rose emoji. And then, um, five hours later, just three rose emojis. Great. And then 10 minutes later, first, please, can you send me a picture of you, please? And then, uh, September 28th, it doesn't say we're the original one, but let's, I feel like a month later. Um, another.

high so H space space I wow space and then first please can you send me a picture of you please I like to see your pick of you please first like what is second I'm not understanding the first first is like before what I don't think he knows what first means he said it twice he said it but like as like before he sends a picture of himself yeah I don't know what order I don't know what happens next I don't know what the second step of this is. He also knows what you look like because he's seen you online and so you don't need to send him a picture. You can Google me. Yeah. There are pictures available. It's, it's pretty easily found. Yeah. Okay. For my last one, we've got a classic. This one was on Instagram. This one is from a man named Moses. Moses said to me at 159 p.m. Can we do a makeover? Oh my God. I remember this one. Next message.

You're actually very hot. Next message, not working on that. As in he's not going to work on... No, no. Cid's not working on her hotness. Oh, you are actually very hot. It actually says not working that. Yeah, she's not working that.

And so I responded... And Moses, by the way, if you couldn't guess, looks disgusting. And so I responded, confused. He responded, when is your birthday? New message. I can help. you. New message. With what? Soften up the personality and glam up the girl. New message. You are quite beautiful.

I said, soften up the personality. Oh, no thank you on any level. Seen, never respond. I feel like this guy was watching like queer eye or whatnot to wear or some show and was just like taking notes on what words he thinks these sound like. He was like, I want to do a queer eye, but I'm a sexist guy. and I want to make girls less interesting. He's like, I have an idea. Make every woman a prop. Yeah, that's good. Okay, for my last one.

Let's go. I have a choice that you guys can pick. Absolutely. You want to pick long, poetic rant about my mom? Or do you want to pick short and sweet to me and Sid together? Oh, I know what the short and sweet

to you and I are together. I'm dying to hear both, but I also want to know what the mom is. All right, I'll do like a quick reading of a mom one. This is from a man named something Sweden Just read this really fast Hi beauty dot dot dot dot you look a lot like your mom She was my fave actress dot dot dot dot dot and my love dot dot dot dot

I loved her since I was 12 and I saw her in Amityville dot dot dot dot dot Now I'm 37 winky winky winky comma comma comma comma And you are so beautiful just like your mom dot dot dot dot dot dot so hot dot you have Diane's eyes and smile Dot dot dot dot dot you are so beautiful roses hearts love from Sweden You are stunning 10 out of 10 you have an amazing body heart heart and gorgeous smile and hot eyes love Sweden. Will you marry me rose, rose, rose? So that was a bunch of different messages. Classic Sweden. Just sped through that so that you guys knew. I'm glad we knew that. And then a short and sweet one, just a man to our joint Instagram account, our sit and Olivia business account, wrote,

Daddy wants to fuck the shit out of both of you. To which we responded, we are a comedy duo. That's, yeah, that's the whole internet. That's how. Oh, that's the whole experience. So, obviously, we've all been sent DMs that are scary. Scary, uncomfortable, not okay. Now, we're going to take this to a segment. Yeah, we'll do a segment. Your favorite segment in mine.

My favorite one in mine. We have notes. This is We Have Notes featuring Kylie Brickman. And our notes today are on Internet men. Our notes today are on the Internet. Yeah. Just some notes for you. that you didn't ask for.

Totally get it. You did not ask. But here they are. Just like we didn't ask for those DMs. Here are some notes. So Kylie, why don't you go ahead and start us off with one of your internet? Sure. Men notes.

Absolutely. Okay. So my first note for men on the internet is all of your profile picks look like this. Yeah. That's a really good note. And you're looking at this from here and you're wearing sunglasses and you're in the car. You're all in the car for some reason. So if you're not seeing this.

if you're listening. Essentially what Kylie is doing is she's doing, she's pushing her head back into a wall. Yes. To show off her under chin. Tucking her under chin, pretending to be in a car with a seatbelt and having really thin sunglasses. With a low angled camera facing up. Is that kind of the vibe? That is, that is exactly what's happening. Yeah. Great. I mean, that's a great note. And my note is just mix it up, do something different. There's a reason that women like frame themselves from up here, it's so that we look good and nice. And you guys are giving yourselves a lot of low light. Yeah.

And it's unflattering. That would be my note is you don't have to worry about making your chin look huge. Just worry about where the light's coming from. Look at the light. I love that. That's a really fair note. And I think that many people would benefit from that greatly. I have a note for men on the internet. A threatening or flirty message is no longer threatening or flurdy.

when it's riddled with spelling errors. If you message me something that's like, I'm going to kill you in all your family, but it's spelled like, I'm going to kill you our family. I'm like, I'm not scared. You can't find me. Yeah, you can't, yeah. If you're going to send a death threat, do it right.

Do it correctly. Or if you're going to send something florid that it's like, please, please, please, oh God, marry me or something. And instead you wrote like, Pollyas, you had to burn out by my goat. It's like, okay, I truly am not going to marry somebody who writes like that. Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, I'd consider it.

Okay, so my first note for men on the internet is going to have to be, don't fake your death. Oh, yeah, and this comes from a specific place. Yeah, I had an internet person that would DM me and I would respond. Let's call him Ralph. Let's call him Ralph. That's not what his name was. I would respond and just be like, hey, you know, he was, if he was going through hard stuff,

I would be like, I'm sorry you're going through that. That sucks. But then every once in a while he would have a big fit that I wasn't going to marry him. And he would write things in a very specific way. He had a very specific way of misspelling thing. Yeah. And at one point, Ralph faked his death. Well, no, Ralph died.

Ralph died, according to me. I woke up and I got a DM from Ralph that was like, hello, this is Ralph's mother. Ralph died last night. It was a shock to all of us. he was, you know, you were his one true love. It was not as eloquent as what I'm saying, but it was essentially the top. It was more like this Ralph mom, Ralph died.

Big sad for us to that. Here's the poem of written for you. Yeah. And then Olivia genuinely, being stupid, freaked out that Ralph died. I was like, oh no, that sucks. And Olivia said to me, like, oh my God, you're never going to believe this. Ralph died. Like, I don't know what to do.

Ralph died. And I was like, Olivia. Can I see the message? And I looked at it and it had identical spelling errors, identical grammatical errors, identical emoji usage. And it was clearly Ralph who had faked his own death. Yeah, he faked his own. And then he admitted it like a couple days later.

Yeah, and I could have told you he was going to do that. He was like, I am so sorry, Olivia, I have faked my own death for you. And all he wanted was for you to fall madly in love with him, give up your boyfriend and make him move to the United States. And he was so, he was so mad that I. had a boyfriend because he was like, I was here first. And I was like, no, you weren't. What are you talking about? Where is here? I was like, he was like, I knew you first. And I was like, no, you didn't. No, I don't know you. No, I don't know you. And you responded to my Facebook

message first, so I'm your boyfriend. And just because I didn't, just because he didn't know about my boyfriend, he thought he was there first and therefore entitled to my hand in marriage. And that is not that hard of an ask. So guys, don't fake your death. I'll believe you. Don't do it. There was a woman really quickly. There was a girl in my high school who, who, created a fake model for her friend to date. She catfished her friend. And as part of the lie, she made a fake model brother for her to date and tell everyone about. And then she killed them off.

She killed the brothers. In what? A car crash? No, like in like the fake brothers. Like she killed. No, like how did they fake die? They both got cancer at the same time. No.

Oh, that's so unlucky. That's. And here's the thing. I believed him. Or I believed her because I was like, she was like, actually, I'm not doing too well. My boyfriend died. And I was like, if you need anything. I'm so sorry that your Calvin Klein model boyfriend who you've never met because he lives

in Europe. I'm so sorry that he died. Yeah. From twin cancer. From twin cancer. It's really. It's a big. A big thing.

I mean, their poor mother. I hate when it happens at the same time. And they're so hot. It's unfortunate. What a bad combo. Oh, my God. People love to do it. Let's hear a second note from.

Yes, okay. So this is sort of a DM that I already shared, but this is my note. It's for men, when you're hitting on someone, don't say please. I know that sounds like anti-consent weirdly, but like if you're like, don't say it here first. Kylie Brickman. Anti-consent. Anti-consent. Anti-consent.

You could put me on the record as saying consent. no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But if you're going to say, come to my house and have sex with me, please, please, please, please, please, please. Like, there's such a, like, desperation and, like, scariness to that. It's like, you might as well be writing please instead of please, like, poitie, please. It's the baby crying, it's the baby talking, it's little baby needs a mommy, and I need the mommy to put a little shampoo in her hand. Yes, my God. Please.

Unless you have a kink for that, I feel like no one wants to be talked to. Like, it's like, please. And I don't even think these men have mommy kinks. Like, I think they're just genuine. I think that 90% of them are just like, please, please, I'm begging. I would rather someone just send me a message that says, can we have sex? And I'll ignore it and I'll never look at it again because I'll put it in the pile of the rest that I get. Yeah.

As a comedian. As a human female. Yeah. Like you started it with as a comedian. As a comedian As a comedy duo That is just me That is

That's it That's all like The idea of like every comedian Is constantly just getting people Like please Tom Segarra is getting all these DMs being like Please Fuck please

Tom Segarra Sorry as a comedian With two ends As a female As a female comedian I have a pretty straightforward note It needs no explanation No profile picture

no comment. You don't have a profile picture. Don't say what I look like. I don't know what you look like. You look like nothing. You look like an egg. Yep. Um, all right. Here's my next note. This one I'll just do a quick little thing about. But, um, multiple women existing is okay. Yes. I think that's a, look at what? What? There's a big thing on the internet where I think, especially in comedy, where guys will think it's a compliment to say, oh, you women are actually funny. The only funny girls I've ever seen. And it's like, it's like, like, okay, that doesn't make us feel good. That just makes me feel like you hate women. Like, or, for example, like, Sid and I are a duo. So we get our bunch of people being like, oh, I actually fucking hate Olivia, but I want to fuck Sid with my dad. Like, just people who just with my dad. Yeah, people who have like a big preference and treat it like it's a competition.

I feel like it doesn't need to be. We're all just here. There's allowed to be more than one woman. Also, really a weird choice of like when I get, like, for example, I'll get a DM, being like Olivia's so hot, poor you. And I'm like, it's weird that you would message me and not Olivia. Yeah. And also like, like, it's weird that you wouldn't just message Olivia and go like,

you're so hot. End of sentence. Move on with your day. It's offensive either way because it's like, you know that's not the point of anything we're doing. No, it's not. It's just simply not the point. If you're like, I hate you, you're loud. I'd like that so much more than someone being like, I like you more than Sid.

Isn't that weird? Well, it's just because it's like, it's very much like, well, we're here as a package deal. Yeah, it's not a competition. We're friends. We're on. the same team. Yeah. We support each other.

People hate when women are on the same team. So that's, they're allowed to be. That's my note. That's weird one. There can be more than one. Yep. There can even be, there can even hundreds even. Whoa.

Now, hold on. There can be a billion women even. Even. Even. But that's it. But that's it. But we're cutting it on. We cap it at a billion.

The rest, you're gone. They're cut. You're cut. This is harassment, but as a joke. Like if you're complaining about like, oh, I'm getting all these DMs, kind of like what we're doing right now. Yeah. I guarantee we'll all get a DM that's like, ha ha, ha, ha, can I see pictures of your feet or will you have sex with me? Ha ha, just kidding.

But wouldn't it be crazy if I was one of those guys? I love the hypothetical men in your DMs. Like so. They're all laughing. They all like, no, they shouldn't be doing it. They're all just like giggly little leprechauns who like have a little secret and they shouldn't be as. I love that there are so many men in your DMs who are prefacing it with what. I would never do it.

Yeah. And absolutely doing it. Yeah. My last note for this is a Facebook marketplace is for buying and selling only. Yes. This is good. I once bought a vacuum cleaner off a Facebook marketplace and I got a message from the woman who sold me the vacuum cleaner. after I picked it up

and it just says, do you want some lettuce? And no, I don't. Different genre of object. It'd be one thing if she was like, hey, I also sell a bunch of chairs. Yeah, do you need any chairs? No, she has something else for you.

And really weird because I was never going to see her again. Ever. She left the vacuum cleaner outside. She didn't even meet me. This was a no contact delivery. Yeah, this was a no contact delivery. And she was like, you want some lettuce? Are you going to leave it on the floor outside?

No, I don't want your floor lettuce. That's crazy. It's really weird. Wow. Okay. Well, my last note is so simple. Yep. And it's just a great rule of thumb. When in doubt, let's log off. Yeah.

When we're like, should I send this? Or even if you're like, I should send this. Maybe just don't. Yeah. And log off and go into nature. Or if you hate that, go watch something on TV because it doesn't affect anyone else. So, yeah. So you have to be just.

Just leave the internet would be my... I would say 90 to 92% of DMs do not need to be sent. Yeah, or comments or tweet responses. I think most things don't need to be said. No, not at all. And you could just go do something else. Yeah. Yeah.

If you're going to send us a cameo request asking for us to give each other a or to stomp on you, we're going to take your money and we're not going to do it. Yeah, we're just going to send you back a cameo and say no. So don't do that to yourself. Don't do it. Don't waste your money. Yeah. Don't waste your time. If somebody is on the internet saying I provide this good and service, don't ask them for a different good and service.

That's a completely true point. You can ask a different person for that good and service. Yeah. And there's so many people for all services. There's so many awesome people who do that. Yeah. There are tons of people who are totally there for feet pictures and they're all about it. And I love that for them.

You can get that for them. That's their whole thing. I love that for them. I love that for you. It's not for me. That's incredible. It's not from me. It's a big consent thing.

Something that Kylie knows nothing about. Yeah. And something I refuses to. Something I explicitly hate. Well, on that note. Make that the promo clip. Make that the one you share. She's anti-Mess and she's anti-consent.

Yeah. So, Kylie, besides trying to end consent in the next year, do you have any things that you're going to do or anything you want to promote? This is your freaking platform right now. My platform to scream and yell. So I have a podcast called Artists on Artists on Artists and it's an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast where, you know, when variety assembles like, these are the greatest women actresses of our generation and they all have a conversation. We do improvised versions of those so you can find us on Spotify and iTunes and wherever. I'm also starting some monthly shows in L.A. so just follow me at Dead Eye Breakman and I'll have info for that.

And if you are a child or if you have children, the Kids Tonight Show I wrote on, and that's going to be on Peacock soon. Wow! Yeah! We love Kylie Breivman. Kylie Breivin's fantastic. Always a pleasure to just see you in general. Yeah, you're just wonderful.

Just a good person, just a fun lady. Yeah. And yeah, so make sure you go follow Kylie on all platforms. If you want to tweet us about this episode or something that you'd like to hear us talk about in the future, our handle is at Sitin Olivia. On everything. On everything.

And until next time, go ahead and send us a big steamy DM. Yeah, send us a big steamy DM. This is your invitation. This is your invitation. This is your invitation. This is your one. So send a big steamy DM and we will see you next time.

Yeah, I've been Olivia this whole time. I've been Sid this whole time. And this is Kylie Breakman the whole time. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. Bye.